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1
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,440
I just want a new number. I
don't care about my Pac code,
2
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,320
I'm currently having to carry
around two mobile phones.
3
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,360
I feel like Gordon Gekko.
4
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,560
The main character in Wall Street.
5
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,720
A dated reference! Are you kidding me?!
6
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,640
Right, what is your name? Your
manager is going to hear about this.
7
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,240
Hello? Hello?!
8
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,360
Oh, you are such a telltale!
9
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,640
"What is your name? Your manager's
going to hear about this."
10
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,520
I bet you were a grass
at school, weren't you?
11
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,400
Always telling on people
for taking the piss
12
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,280
out of your crappy
football kit on mufti day.
13
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,080
I'm wearing this Plymouth
shirt with pride, mate.
14
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,280
It's the first leg of the
Football League Trophy
15
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,760
area final - Southern section.
16
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,400
Oh, my apologies.
17
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,480
I bet you were in the teacher's
office every day, though,
18
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,440
weren't you, telling on someone?
19
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:49,800
Dobbing someone in for writing,
20
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,800
"Josh is pubeless," on
the overhead projector.
21
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,280
No, I wasn't! I just made
a list of the perpetrators
22
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,440
and gave it to the teacher
at the end of the term.
23
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:57,480
Oh, my God!
24
00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,160
Look, I just wanted people to
stop giving me atomic wedgies.
25
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,200
Did it work?
26
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,240
No. If anything, it made
me more of a target.
27
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,560
I was getting through 20
gussets a term by the end.
28
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:06,960
Partly cos of the nerves.
29
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,280
Well, you haven't learnt from
your own lessons, have you?
30
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,240
Society needs rules. Have
you not seen Waterworld?
31
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,160
That's a bit of a dated reference.
32
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,760
Oh, sorry, do you want
to talk to my manager?
33
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,840
You see, the thing about
going to your sister's house
34
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,280
for a dinner party is what to wear.
35
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,600
I mean, do I dress to
impress Karren Brady
36
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,720
or do I dress to impress Michael Gove?
37
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,920
How do you dress to impress Michael Gove?
38
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,400
I know, it's a nightmare.
39
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,960
I mean, I tend to gravitate
towards Levi Roots.
40
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,280
Levi Roots?
41
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,800
To chat to. I don't wear a Rasta hat.
42
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,000
Well, anyway, Mum, I've actually got
quite a big announcement to make.
43
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,680
Oh, God, you're pregnant, aren't
you, from a one-night stand?
44
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,120
I knew this day would come. I
was looking at you and thinking,
45
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,760
"Oh, she's let her gym membership
lapse," but now it makes sense.
46
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,120
No, Mum, I'm not pregnant!
47
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:55,560
Oh.
48
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:56,880
Do you remember that photo I took
49
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,280
of the toad that looked
like Craig Charles?
50
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,720
Yes, it was uncanny, wasn't it?
51
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,160
Well, I entered it into a National
Geographic photography competition
52
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,760
and...turns out it was a
catastrophically endangered species,
53
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,480
- and I won!
- Oh, thank God! Because,
54
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,800
I tell you, the whole
family had been convinced
55
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,840
your little photos would never pay off.
56
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,640
Oh, really?
57
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,320
Anyway, the award ceremony's
next week. Can you come?
58
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,280
Yes, but first tonight, I'm
going to take you for dinner.
59
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,400
Great! Then you can
display my award here.
60
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,880
So people can see it when they
come round for family gatherings.
61
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,880
Well, it's still a bit
chocker there, isn't it,
62
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,440
with all your sister's art prizes?
63
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,080
- On the dresser, then.
- Well, that's all her science prizes.
64
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,520
Ooh, what about the tallboy?
65
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,120
The one your sister carved?
66
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,800
They look exactly the same as when
you checked them yesterday, Geoff.
67
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,760
So cynical. A lot can happen in 24 hours.
68
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,920
If I had ?5,000 and a ticket to Bangkok,
69
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,040
I could be a woman by this time tomorrow.
70
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,080
- I'll chip in.
- No deal.
71
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,760
Although I have never
been to Thailand, but...
72
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,240
On balance, I would regret it in the end.
73
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,040
Do you think I'd need a new
passport for the return journey?
74
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,640
It's another expense to factor in.
75
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,200
Geoff, why have you got to
grow your tomatoes here?
76
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,040
We didn't sign up to be your greenhouse.
77
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,400
Check the small print. I never
rented you the windowsills.
78
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,000
If I want to put tomatoes there, I will.
79
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,760
If I want to hang a
provocative flag there, I will.
80
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,920
If I want to stand out there
and contemplate ending it all,
81
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,080
technically you can't stop me.
82
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,280
Although, I'd hope you'd tell
me I have a lot to live for.
83
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,640
You might mention how
many properties I own.
84
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,920
That normally sorts me out.
85
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,120
Right.
86
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,920
Why don't you get an allotment,
like every other old person?
87
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,040
I'm on a 25-year waiting list.
88
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,480
I can't wait that long.
89
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,760
Can you imagine the genetic modifications
90
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,760
that might have been created by then?
91
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,360
Have you seen the film Attack
Of The Killer Tomatoes?
92
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,160
- No.
- Don't.
93
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,320
It's a very unrealistic
depiction of tomato growing.
94
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,120
Invaluable tip. Thank you.
95
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,800
Here we go, Owen, just
one hour till kick-off
96
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,680
in England's fourth most
important cup competition.
97
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,160
Excluding the play-offs.
98
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,760
Why are there bags in the hallway?
99
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,440
Joshie boy!
100
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,240
Phil, what are you doing here?
101
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,880
Nailing level two of GoldenEye, mate.
102
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,000
I haven't seen you since
you came to my wedding.
103
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,400
Yeah, and I was arrested because
104
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,160
I didn't realise it was a sham marriage.
105
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,080
That's the one. Got to laugh, haven't ya?
106
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,720
- No, it was awful.
- Yeah, but you've gotta laugh, haven't you?
107
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,280
Phil's brought an N64 with
him. It's brilliant, isn't it?
108
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:23,200
I would pause it to chat,
but that'd break the realism.
109
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:24,640
James Bond can't pause in real life.
110
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,440
James Bond isn't real.
111
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,600
Can't discuss that now,
mate. It'd break the realism.
112
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,360
Actually, on that note,
can we all stop talking?
113
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,240
Owen, can I have a word?
114
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,880
Yeah.
115
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,040
- This is unbelievable!
- I know! GoldenEye!
116
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,560
He's got Diddy Kong Racing as well!
117
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,280
I don't care if he's got Mario Kart!
118
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,800
He hasn't, I've already asked.
But I think Diddy Kong Racing's
119
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,280
actually better. You get to
fly a plane on some levels.
120
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,520
That is not the point!
121
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,960
No, the point is, you've gotta
defeat the intergalactic pig-wizard,
122
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,840
but for me, flying a
plane was the highlight.
123
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,440
- What is he doing here?
- Well, he's my cousin. He'll only be here
124
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,760
- a couple of nights.
- You are kidding!
125
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,480
The first leg of the Football
League Trophy area final
126
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,640
is on in under an hour.
127
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,760
Yes, I know, and we'll
get to watch it together.
128
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,200
Presuming he's reached the
relevant save-game checkpoint.
129
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,240
He has got to go.
130
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,240
I just want to relax in my own home.
131
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,280
I don't want to endure a
staycation with...Nick Cotton.
132
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,080
Kate!
133
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,200
- Hello!
- Hello.
134
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,360
Oh, Katie.
135
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,960
- Hello, darling.
- Hi, Mumma.
136
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,640
Very proud of your
award-winning photo. Very proud.
137
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,080
Ah...thanks, Mumma.
138
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,200
So proud.
139
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,800
Er...
140
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,440
Hello?
141
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,480
Oh, sorry, darling,
this is my little award.
142
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,000
This is my new boyfriend, Paul.
143
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,920
- Oh.
- Hello, Kate, lovely to meet you.
144
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,120
Mum!
145
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,520
- What?
- You didn't tell me you had a new boyfriend.
146
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,520
Well, one of us has gotta have one.
147
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,720
We only met recently at the tennis club
148
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,080
and it was Terry and Sarah
that introduced us, wasn't it?
149
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,720
And then challenged us to mixed doubles,
150
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,160
which we won because they're shit.
151
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,320
We hit it off immediately.
152
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,280
Well, Terry and Sarah always hit it off.
153
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,360
The court!
154
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,880
- Because they're shit!
- Yeah!
155
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,760
I couldn't believe such a beautiful
woman existed...and was single!
156
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,800
And I see that the apple hasn't
fallen far from the tree.
157
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,720
Well, she's single, if
that's what you mean.
158
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,440
Cheers, Mum(!)
159
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,120
Paul's a hairdresser, darling.
160
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,280
He does all the big events.
161
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,320
Well, bits and bobs. Mainly bobs.
162
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,000
Tell her about the Smash
Hits Poll Winners Party.
163
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,760
Oh, Judith, what are you like? Not again!
164
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,960
Tell her about the Smash
Hits Poll Winners Party!
165
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,160
All right, all right.
166
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,000
So, I was doing All Saints' hair
167
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,240
at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party.
168
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,120
Er, I plumped up Melanie
Blatt's hair. Very Dallas.
169
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,520
Then she got it caught in Shaznay's
brace during Lady Marmalade!
170
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:39,720
Oh, no!
171
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,880
Natalie Appleton punched him in the face.
172
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,960
Oh, God, they love this
at the tennis club.
173
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,600
Yeah, well, that's not the best
bit. For revenge I changed the name
174
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,400
in the envelope for Best Female Group.
175
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,680
To this day BWitched think
they won it on merit!
176
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,480
Oh, my God!
177
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,440
That's the only bit of
the story I don't like,
178
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,640
it makes you sound vindictive.
179
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,520
I like vindictive - I've
seen ALL his movies!
180
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,120
Anyway, Kate, you must be so pleased,
181
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,280
taking an award-winning toad photo!
182
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,840
Yeah, actually, it's, erm...
183
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,040
Well, I think the toad
should get all the credit.
184
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,640
I mean, it wasn't Kate that
managed to look like Craig Charles.
185
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:11,640
Mum!
186
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,640
- Oh, is she always this hard on you?
- Yeah, always.
187
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:14,960
- Not hard. I'm not hard.
- You are.
188
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,280
I had a judgmental mother.
When I went into hairdressing
189
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,120
she threatened to throw
me and my Carmen rollers
190
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,800
- out onto the street.
- Well, thank you very much, Billy Elliot.
191
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,840
Ooh, I am getting the
hairdryer treatment!
192
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,560
- No.
- It's normally the other way round.
193
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:26,600
Ha-ha...
194
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,120
On that subject, Kate,
195
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,880
why don't you come and visit me
196
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,160
in my salon before the award ceremony?
197
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,120
I will make you look
incredible for your big day.
198
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,320
No charge, obviously.
199
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,560
Oh, my God, that would be fantastic!
200
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,000
No, darling, don't take advantage.
You can't take advantage of that.
201
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,400
- Oh, and there she goes again.
- He's offering.
202
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:42,520
Judge Judy.
203
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,120
Judge Judith.
204
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,240
Which explains the wig!
205
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,520
That's good!
206
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,640
Look, come on, guys.
It's almost kick-off!
207
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,440
The Plymouth players are probably already
out on the pitch attempting keepy-uppies.
208
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,960
Football's crap, mate. All
those Italian nancy boys
209
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,040
running around, falling over and crying.
210
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:10,040
Tell you want you want to get into
- Ultimate Fighting Championship.
211
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,600
I've seen it. It's not my bag.
212
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,000
- You'd love it.
- No, I've seen it. I hated it.
213
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,400
Yeah, but I reckon you'd love it.
214
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,080
I saw this 35-stone Japanese bloke
215
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,640
get his teeth knocked out
in the first four seconds.
216
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,800
Bang! No more noodles for you, mate.
217
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,520
Noodles are famously soft.
218
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,960
- OK, then, no more spring rolls.
- They're Chinese.
219
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,760
Look, the point is, someone fat got
kicked in the face and I saw it.
220
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,360
That is great entertainment.
221
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,200
Owen, you want to watch
the football, don't you?
222
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,880
Well, Phil's a guest, mate. I
think we should be good hosts.
223
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,360
Anyway, it's not too bad a watch.
224
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,880
If you squint your eyes, it's
like you're really there.
225
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,320
Also, I've got a cheat that
turns all the enemy soldiers into
226
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,640
- women in bikinis. Want to see?
- No, I'm all right, cheers.
227
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,840
Well, that's given me a bit
of a squint, I can tell you.
228
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,520
But seriously, guys, you know
how much this means to me!
229
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,000
- You need to chill out, mate.
- Yes.
230
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,400
Actually, I know this guy who
sells some really great weed.
231
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,480
- Want me to get you some?
- Absolutely not.
232
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,120
He grows it all himself
with these hydroponic lamps.
233
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,320
His loft is more overgrown
than a '70s muff.
234
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,080
Right, just going to pause it
there. Need to hit the bog.
235
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,280
I thought James Bond
couldn't pause real life.
236
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,560
Even James Bond needs to take a shit.
237
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,720
In fact, my mate says
there's this deleted scene
238
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,480
where he takes a dump in Oddjob's hat.
239
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,200
And, yes, Oddjob doesn't know
and puts it back on again.
240
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,800
Classic Bond!
241
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,440
This is not on. He can stay
tonight. He is going tomorrow.
242
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,200
- Well, that's not going to happen.
- Why not?
243
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,560
- Cos he's told the police he lives here.
- Why would he do that?!
244
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,480
Because that's how probation works.
245
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,360
I can't live like this. Phil
is taking over the flat!
246
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,960
Well, why don't you stand up
to him, then? He's an ex-con.
247
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,440
They only understand tough love.
248
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,760
All right, Trisha(!)
249
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,440
Shall I just give him a tennis ball
and lock him in the airing cupboard?
250
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,160
No, I think he's drying
his weed in there.
251
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,000
I'll get it!
252
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,520
- Anyway, I HAVE tried standing up to him!
- Hiding your Branston pickle
253
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,080
- in the loft space doesn't count.
- How did you know?
254
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,960
Oh, no-one needs to "stretch
their legs" three times
255
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,240
during a ploughman's.
256
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,080
Monty Don's here.
257
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,720
- Where?!
- No, I was referring to you, Geoff.
258
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,840
Save your flattery for
the tomatoes, Owen.
259
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:19,600
Mother Nature has spoken and
she says the tomatoes are ready!
260
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,080
Is that it?
261
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,840
A month of growing, all
for... five tomatoes?
262
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,240
Admittedly, a disappointing yield.
I blame the lack of sunlight.
263
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,760
You know, sometimes I wish this flat
was on the beachfront in Barbados.
264
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,480
But then this is so much
more handy for the Londis.
265
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,880
You know, I bet you can get a can
of Lilt quicker here than they can.
266
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,440
Swings and roundabouts.
267
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:39,920
Right, time for the taste test.
268
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,880
Drumroll, please!
269
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,360
Mm!
270
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,480
Mm! Do you know what?
271
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,400
It is a pity there's so few of these,
272
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,640
because the flavour really is intense.
273
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,280
Here, open your mouth,
I'll give you a surprise.
274
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:02,880
Like being back in prison.
275
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,520
Who was that?
276
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,560
Oh, that's just Phil.
It's fine. He's a friend.
277
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,200
I hope you guys aren't subletting,
because if you are, he'll be out
278
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,680
- on his ear.
- Actually... - He's just staying for a few nights. It's fine,
279
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,840
he's a friend, Geoff. It's
nothing to worry about.
280
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,200
He seemed very at home.
281
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,600
Yeah, you're telling me! That
was my milk. And my towel.
282
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,120
Was it your skid mark?
283
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,720
No, that was all his own work.
284
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:29,600
Katie.
285
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,400
Mum! You not with Paul?
286
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,120
No, you must have realised yesterday
287
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,120
that Paul is a dreadful, dreadful person.
288
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,440
What?! No! We were getting on great!
289
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,120
He was being so nice about my award,
290
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,280
I accidentally called
him Dad at one point.
291
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,720
It was like that time in
GCSE Physics all over again.
292
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,040
- He criticised my parenting.
- Yeah. Do you think that's why
293
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,400
I confused him with Dad?
294
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,720
Well, the similarity doesn't end
there, because I'm dumping him.
295
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,320
Ah, really?
296
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:52,760
I need some advice.
297
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,640
And I thought, "Well, who's an
expert on relationships ending?"
298
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,400
My Katie. Now, what do I do? Cos I
haven't dumped anybody for 30 years.
299
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:00,560
What about Dad?
300
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,520
Well, that was easy -
because of the pregnant PA.
301
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,040
- Oh, right.
- I'm worried what people at the tennis club'll think.
302
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,240
I mean, Terry and Sarah
already don't like me,
303
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,720
but I suppose they're always grumpy
304
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,040
- because they're shit at tennis.
- Who are Terry and Sarah?
305
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,920
Names you will never hear
past the qualifying rounds,
306
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,200
let me tell you that!
307
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,120
Now, what do I do? Am I honest with him?
308
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,360
Absolutely not.
309
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,920
Rule number one, never tell the
truth. OK? The main thing is
310
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,800
to blame external factors, you know.
311
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,080
Say something like, "I've got a
job abroad, I can't get over my ex,
312
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,880
"I don't want to date someone with
a fructose intolerance." You know,
313
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,680
I've heard them all and they all work.
314
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,840
You're not fructose intolerant, are you?
315
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,600
No, but by the time I googled
it, he'd already left.
316
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,480
- Oh.
- Oh, that's another rule - get it over with quickly.
317
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,000
Like pulling off a plaster.
318
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,480
- That's good!
- Yeah.
319
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,400
That's very good. Yes,
absolutely right. Well done, you.
320
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,360
Yes. Do it now.
321
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,760
- Yep.
- I shall do it.
322
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,440
I don't want those
people at the tennis club
323
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,520
thinking I'm just some kind
of freeloader, you know,
324
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,240
that's just in it for the free haircuts.
325
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,960
Oh, oh, no. Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum!
326
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,840
- What?
- Stop, stop, stop, stop!
327
00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,440
I forgot. The one rule is
to always do it in person.
328
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,000
OK? That's the only way you can
guarantee that you won't be seen
329
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,400
as a horrible freeloader.
330
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,880
- Oh, no.
- When are you next seeing him?
331
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,160
Tomorrow afternoon.
332
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,760
Yeah, that works. Face-to-face.
333
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,040
Yeah, Paul would only
ever do it face-to-face.
334
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,720
- That was one of the problems.
- Mum, stop!
335
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,800
You'd think being a hairdresser,
he'd have more imagination.
336
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,600
"Do you never want to see
the back of my head, Paul?"
337
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,240
No, we only do that with
a mirror, apparently.
338
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,160
- Oh, Mum, please! End.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
339
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,520
What are you doing?
340
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,680
Just drying my socks.
341
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,960
Little life hack for ya.
342
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,640
I warm everything up before I put it on.
343
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,000
You wouldn't want to see
me before protected sex.
344
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,440
- Do you have to do that here?!
- Not many left, mate!
345
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,040
What are you, a millipede?
346
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,520
No, I went down for bigamy!
347
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,480
What are you doing, your taxes?
348
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,480
- Yes.
- Why bother?
349
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,760
They'll never catch you. They
don't know what they're doing.
350
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,880
You've just come out of prison!
351
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,200
Pret A Manger? Oh, la-di-da.
352
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,000
Someone's doing all right for themselves.
353
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,880
French restaurants, two phones...
354
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,480
I've got a problem with my Pac code.
355
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,120
Course you have, mate. Don't
worry, I won't tell the feds,
356
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,480
cos I'm not a snitch.
357
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,880
You're not a snitch, are you, Josh?
358
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:25,960
No.
359
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,400
Cos you know what we did to
snitches in prison, don't ya?
360
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,720
What?
361
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,800
I can't tell ya, because
I hate snitching.
362
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,880
Oh, for God's sake.
363
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,840
- Hands in the air, freeze!
- No, I'm not playing that.
364
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,880
No, get off!
Not my receipts!
365
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,080
- Oh, it's getting a bit blowy...
- Not my receipts!
366
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,840
- Oh, no, what a shame!
- I've been working on them all morning!
367
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,840
And can you please
stop drinking my beer?!
368
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,920
That's not your beer, mate.
369
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,320
What?
370
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,480
It used to be.
371
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,400
Usual combination. Ultimate
Fighting Championship on TV
372
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,520
and me needing a piss.
373
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,320
I know what you're thinking.
374
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,560
How did he fill it exactly to the top?
375
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:00,640
No.
376
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:01,920
I didn't.
377
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,680
My Pilgrim Pete mug!
378
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,560
Thirsty work being a mascot, eh?
379
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,880
Hello, Geoff.
380
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,960
Morning, Mother. I had two poached
eggs and a slice of granary bread.
381
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,160
Speak to you after lunch.
382
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,640
No...
383
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,840
No, this is not your mother.
384
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,480
- Right, who is it, then?
- I am anonymous.
385
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,600
What, the activists with the masks?
386
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,520
Have you hacked my cloud? Is
this about my holiday photos?
387
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:30,920
I thought it was a nudist beach!
388
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,680
No, this is not about that.
389
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,080
I can still hear the screaming.
390
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,360
Listen, I have terrible
news. Brace yourself.
391
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,240
I'm a grown-up, I can take
it. How bad can it be?
392
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:45,240
A man called Phil is subletting
your flat at 7 Belmont Gardens.
393
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,920
Hello? Geoff? Are you there?
394
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,200
Sorry. I almost fainted. Do
you mind if we take a minute,
395
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,680
so I can put my head between my legs?
396
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,040
Look, he is not paying any rent
and he is sleeping on the sofa
397
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,760
against the tenants' wishes.
398
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,680
I'll get on it right away.
399
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,160
Subletting, the worst of all crimes.
400
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,520
Now, what you need to do...
401
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,440
Hello?
402
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:09,680
Hello?
403
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,720
Right you, out. Your days of
reckless subletting are over.
404
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,760
I was only crashing
for a couple of nights.
405
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,000
Not according to a little bird
406
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,800
who called me anonymously
from a phone box.
407
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,840
And just to clear up any confusion,
it wasn't actually a bird.
408
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,560
Yeah, I got that. Just let me get
my stuff together, I'll be out
409
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,120
- of your hair.
- Well, chop chop. - OK.
410
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,640
Just...do me a favour.
411
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,120
If you see whoever grew
those incredible tomatoes,
412
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,520
congratulate them from me.
413
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,680
Well, well, that was me, but...
414
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,920
You're Geoff Jeffries?
415
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,760
Yes.
416
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,120
The tomato whisperer?
417
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,720
Is that what they call me?
418
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:50,920
They should do.
419
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,040
That sweet, sweet smell
sent me to another world.
420
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,040
At night I dreamt I was being pureed.
421
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,960
Oh...that is nice to hear.
422
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,640
You were clearly born with green fingers.
423
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,360
I...I was, actually.
424
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,560
Septicaemia. The midwife...
425
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,920
What would you say if I was
to tell you I could increase
426
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,680
your tomato yield by 3
to 10,000% per annum?
427
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,080
I'm all ears.
428
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,160
Didn't know you grew corn as well.
429
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:18,840
Eh?
430
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,560
Ears of corn.
431
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,840
Oh!
432
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:22,920
Yeah!
433
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,480
- Yeah, so...
- That's wonderful!
434
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,520
With my know-how and your
instinctive feel for veg,
435
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,640
we could turn your tomato
business into a tomato empire.
436
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,480
We could call it Tomato Towers.
437
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,640
You're the boss. The
uniforms could be red!
438
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,400
The door handles could be big tomatoes.
439
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,240
Even the toilets could be tomato shaped!
440
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,440
Er, no, I'm not sure I'd like that.
441
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,000
So, the big night! Congratulations again.
442
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,440
What was your category?
443
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,840
Er, Countryside At Play.
444
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,960
I'm surprised I won, actually.
It was such a strong field.
445
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,200
Ironically!
446
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,280
Er...
447
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,600
Of course!
448
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,080
Can I use that when I accept my award?
449
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,720
Be my guest. Who else was nominated?
450
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,200
Er, field mouse in a Wellington boot,
451
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,040
pig looking at a sunset,
452
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,280
sheepdog closing a gate,
453
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,320
eagle eating a scone
454
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,920
and shepherd crying after
sending his flock to abattoir.
455
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,920
Ah, but do any of them
look like Craig Charles?
456
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,520
- No.
- No.
457
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,960
So, what are we thinking?
458
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,200
Erm...I just really want
to stand out at the awards.
459
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,560
Something a little more urban?
460
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,160
Yes, that sounds 100% me!
461
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,560
Something cutting edge.
462
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,880
Exactly!
463
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,120
Are you familiar with
Rachel from Friends?
464
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,560
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
465
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,320
Joshie boy!
466
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,920
Phil, still here?
467
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,360
Only just. Apparently, some
jobsworth tipped off your landlord
468
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,600
about me staying here.
469
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,360
And not in a "there's a legend
in your flat and he's got an N64,
470
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,920
"so you might want to pop round
and bring your Rumble Pak"
471
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,040
- sort of way.
- Oh, deary me.
472
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,680
No, he came over here
like he owned the place.
473
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,640
Banging on about subletting,
saying it's against the law.
474
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,160
What kind of bureaucratic
telltale knob cheese
475
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,400
dobs someone in for subletting?
476
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,760
Any idea who that might have been, Josh?
477
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,960
Nope.
478
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,240
Pity, though, isn't it? Because
I'd have had you stay forever,
479
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,920
but the law's the law.
So when are you off?
480
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,240
I'm not.
481
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,840
What?
482
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,040
Me and the Geoffster got on like
a house on fire. Bosom buddies.
483
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,480
By which I mean I showed him the
GoldenEye cheat with the bikinis.
484
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,160
To cut a long story short, he
says I can stay here indefinitely.
485
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,400
He said that?
486
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,360
And this is the best bit.
487
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,440
He reckons he can put a little
dividing wall up in here.
488
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,160
I can have my own room.
489
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,640
Really?
490
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,440
Police, please.
491
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,920
Yeah, could you put me
through to the drug squad?
492
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,280
I'd like to report a drug crime.
493
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:52,680
Do I just say it now?
494
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:58,240
OK, there is a man in my flat
and he is smoking cannabis.
495
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,680
Well, what if I told
you he's on probation?
496
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,920
Yeah, great, right, now,
he is in 7 Belmont Gardens
497
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,880
and he is smoking some
pretty sizeable doobies.
498
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,040
D-O-O-B-I...
499
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,800
Oh, sorry, B-E-L-M-O-N-T
500
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,000
Gardens.
501
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,280
A dealer?
502
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:24,840
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, I heard
him mention Mexico and grab bags.
503
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,360
Baggies, that's it! Yep, baggies.
504
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,920
..which is ironic,
505
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:33,000
seeing as this is a competition
full of so many, many fields.
506
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,440
As in the ones you get on farms.
507
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,240
I don't think you're going to
need to explain it like that.
508
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,480
I'll gauge it on the night.
509
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,520
Do you know, you have a very similar
wave in your hair to your mum?
510
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,400
Oh, yeah? You're seeing her
tonight, aren't you? Say hi from me.
511
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,560
No. We were going to, but I didn't
want to risk cutting into your time,
512
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,120
so we met this morning instead.
513
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,360
Such a pity what happened.
514
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,760
You're cooked. Back in a tick.
515
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,400
Mum?
516
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,560
- Hello, darling.
- Please tell me you haven't broken up with Paul already?
517
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,880
Yeah, I did it this morning.
Gave him the big heave-ho.
518
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,880
Did it as you told me
to do, face-to-face.
519
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,720
- Oh, sweet Jesus!
- Well, I followed your advice to a T,
520
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,080
but, actually, it seemed to
make him angrier, if anything.
521
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,480
Wait, what do you mean, my advice?
522
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,360
I did what you said. I
blamed outside factors.
523
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,120
I told him you didn't like
him and I couldn't have
524
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,360
a relationship with someone
you weren't comfortable with.
525
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:26,040
Why the hell...?! Why the
hell would you do that?
526
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,880
Because that's what you wanted me to do.
527
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,680
I...I didn't want him thinking
528
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,040
that I was only in it for the haircuts,
529
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,960
and the "difficult
daughter" line was perfect.
530
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,240
I thought you'd be pleased.
531
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,560
Right, then, Kate.
532
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,120
Now that the dye's taken hold,
533
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,520
let's get cracking with
the thinning shears.
534
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,200
Phil, get out. I want to watch TV.
535
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,960
Bloody hell!
536
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,200
All right, Pokemon!
537
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,040
Aren't you meant to be
going to an awards ceremony?
538
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,040
Yes. It's tonight.
539
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,720
What's it for? Shittest hair?
540
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,360
Oh, you can talk, Mr...Shit Moustache!
541
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,120
Mr Shit Moustache?
542
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,960
Oh, it's for shittest banter!
543
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,720
Out! Now!
544
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,440
Why don't you go and
do a lap of the park?
545
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,120
- Try and come up with another zinger.
- I'm not going anywhere.
546
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,040
Suit yourself, Rosie and Jim!
547
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,120
- Out!
- Look, just grab a beer and chillax.
548
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,080
Oh! Oh, maybe I will.
549
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,280
That's not beer!
550
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,240
Shove this stupid Nintendo up your arse!
551
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,000
Argh!
552
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,400
Hello?
553
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,400
Hello? Phil?
554
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,120
Oh, thank you, God!
555
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,120
Ah...
556
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,840
- TV:
- ..today. And this one really is the big one.
557
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,120
The Football League Trophy area final -
558
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,120
Southern section - second leg...
559
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,440
Oh, unlucky, Philly boy!
The one that got away.
560
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:13,920
Oh, go on, then.
561
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:18,080
Steve Claridge, what chance of
an upset do you think here today?
562
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,960
Yep, coming! Just coming!
563
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:31,760
Hi, can I help you?
564
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,040
Hello, sir, we're just
responding to a call we received.
565
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,920
Ah, you don't need to worry about that.
566
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,280
I'm afraid, sir, we have
to respond to these things.
567
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:39,760
Do you mind if we come in?
568
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,680
Oh, well, I'm just
watching Plymouth Argyle
569
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,840
in the Football League
Trophy area final second leg.
570
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,320
Plymouth are 3-0 down.
It's a dead rubber.
571
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,200
We just need to come in
and have a look around.
572
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,240
We've had a report that
somebody's dealing drugs
573
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,800
in breach of their probation order.
574
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,680
Ah, now, that was my flatmate's
cousin, but he's gone now.
575
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,600
- We're still going to have to check.
- Why?
576
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,800
You could be protecting him.
577
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,600
I'm not harbouring a fugitive!
578
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,400
This isn't the Ecuadorian embassy!
579
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,560
We've had a call, sir.
We've got no choice.
580
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,480
Look, I'll be honest with you. It was me.
581
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:08,720
What, you're the drug dealer?
582
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,720
No! It was me that made
the call, but I was wrong.
583
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,960
Now, I appreciate you
responding so quickly,
584
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,400
but everything is fine here.
585
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,400
I'm afraid it isn't as easy as that, sir.
586
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,960
We're still going to need to
come in and take a look around.
587
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,440
Presumably you're fine with this
as somebody with nothing to hide?
588
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,320
Yeah, of course.
589
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,720
Hanson, wait here.
590
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,520
You all right there, sir?
591
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:37,600
Yeah.
592
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,400
You seem a bit stressed.
593
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,520
No, not at all. Everything's fine.
594
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,200
Would you care to explain this?
595
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,840
Er, that doesn't belong to me.
596
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,240
That belongs to the man who
was sleeping on my sofa.
597
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:51,920
The man who's sleeping on your sofa?
598
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,000
Yeah, but he's gone
now. I don't know where.
599
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,080
But it's still alight.
600
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,400
Yeah, I was burning it to get rid of it!
601
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,560
Of course you were(!)
602
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,000
Yeah, we're a perfectly
normal, straight household!
603
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,040
We're not into any of
those drug-style things!
604
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,040
She doesn't normally look like that!
605
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,720
- Only when she's high?
- No, she isn't high!
606
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,800
Look, let me phone my flatmate. He
will explain. It was his cousin.
607
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,880
Please don't make any
calls at this moment, sir.
608
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,280
It will clear things up.
609
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,560
Oh, that's the wrong one.
610
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:25,920
Right, here we go.
611
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,160
You've got two phones?
612
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,320
Yeah... No, not like that!
613
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,320
No, I've got a problem with my Pac code.
614
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,400
I'm not in The Wire. This isn't a burner.
615
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,560
Of course it isn't, sir(!)
616
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,320
No, look, I'm not a drug dealer!
617
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,000
It was one spliff and it isn't even mine!
618
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,480
Joshua, we're in for a
bumper crop this year!
619
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:43,960
Oh, hello, officers.
620
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,240
Is that a hydroponic lamp?
621
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,200
This isn't what it looks like.
622
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:54,000
If you wanna have a good time...
623
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,200
Oh, God!
624
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,920
I am so sorry, Pilgrim Pete!
625
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,240
Oh, God!
626
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,000
Ultimate Fighting Championship
has got a lot to answer for!
627
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,200
# I know, I know, I know where it's at
628
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,640
# If you wanna have a good time
629
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,400
# I know where it's at
630
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,600
# If you know you've got
something on your mind
631
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:18,960
# I know where it's at
632
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,000
# If you know that you wanna get on down
633
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,840
# I know where it's at
634
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:27,920
# Don't deny, don't be
shy Just come around
635
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,240
# I know, I know, I know where it's at
636
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,160
If you wanna have a good time...
637
00:26:33,210 --> 00:26:37,760
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