All language subtitles for Josh s01e04 Teabag and No Sympathy.eg

OK, for two points.
Sigourney Weaver's uncle was a 1930s radio DJ.

But WHAT was his name?
Buzz! Doodles Weaver!

Oh, my God! You, my friend,
are through to the gold run! Yes!

PHONE RINGS
Oh, phone a friend!

Where did you find him?

The most annoying set of twins
since the girls off Fun House.

We're not twins!
We don't even look alike. Ow!

Do you reckon Mike felt that? No!

Do you think when you have sex,
Mike feels it as well?

I guess we'll never know.
Oh...

Wikipedia personal life,
Gillian Anderson is divorced!

Sorry I doubted you, you're well in.
Is her phone number on Wikipedia?

You can just give her a ring now,
ring Gillian Anderson.

No, no, I'm biding my time.
Slowly, slowly, catchy Scully.

And the condiments are balanced,
he's done it! Oh, very good, very good.

Martha! Hello, my sweetheart.

I'll go and get us a
couple of sparkling waters.

Martha. Josh.

You're drinking two pints?

I couldn't decide which
I preferred, so I went for both.

So, still at the homeless charity?

Yes, of COURSE!
People need help, Josh.

Do you know how hard it is
to sleep rough?

I once had a futon.

Sorry, you think homelessness
is a laughing matter?

No, I realise it must be
a very tough job, I do.

Well, I guess it depends if you
think helping people is tough.

I tend to think it's
pretty rewarding.

Seems like you've earned yourself
a proper drink.

Today I worked with
a 35-year-old man,

whose problems with drink got so
bad, he lost his foot to gout.

Just an orange juice?

Never drink fruit juice
from concentrate.

As always, Martha completely
ruined the evening.

She refused to get me a vodka
because of what the Russians did to Alexander Litvinenko.

Well, you can drink what you want
this weekend, mate.

Teabag's on his way.
The party's about to start.

Last time he was here he got
so drunk, he pissed in a Dyson Airblade.

I know, my hands
were in the Airblade. That's why I went home early.

He once drank so much Strongbow,
he stole a horse. A horse?

I mean, that is why I won't be coming
out with you! Anyway, got to go!

Oh-oh! Shandy Andy alert!
I'm exactly like you, Josh. I'm a lightweight.

I genuinely think it's time pubs
started selling quarter pints.

Yeah, we're like peas in a pod,
you and me.

We're not like peas in a pod, Geoff.

Peas in a pub, more like!
Till about half past nine.

I don't want to ruin the next day.

Geoff, are you done with the boiler?
I need to talk to you about my room.

Yes! One pilot light ignited.
Geoff, one, hypothermia, nil.

Oh. One-all.

Geoff? Geoff, please?

OK, OK. Oh, bloody hell,
her indoors, eh?

Geoff, we're not married.

Oh, is that what that means?

I always thought it was because you
were inside and quite annoying.

Seriously, Geoff, you need to
redecorate my room.

Well, what's the problem with it?
Um...

THAT brick wallpaper thing.

It's been like this since you moved
in. Why do you care all of a sudden?

Because I'm bringing
someone special back.

Yeah, but you bring loads of
blokes back! Yes, I know, but...

Er, I do not bring loads...

Anyway, this one's
an interior designer, so...

Well, I'm not paying for an interior
designer. No, I'm seeing one.

Oh, fantastic. He can paint
it for you after you... you're done, you know...

It would be like that was my fee!

Oh, well, at least ?300
worth of work is a compliment

if anything, Kate.

Can we please not discuss
my rate as a prostitute?

Well, you could redecorate it.
Let your imagination run wild.

I can always cover it up afterwards,
it's what I did for the last tenant, yeah? Express yourself!

I am. By not lending a hand.

Oh, all right, trouble and strife.

I'm not your wife.

Is that what that means?
Yes!

God, I'm so excited about tonight.

At the shops today, all I could
think about today was Teabag.

Do you think you're in love?

No, no, no, no.
This is far more intense.

My boss's son brought his guitar
into work today,

he bashed out a note-perfect
rendition of This Charming Man.

He's only six. Wow! Yeah.

Yeah, I found myself saying to him,
I said, "Listen son,

"that's impressive,
but it's not as impressive

"as the time my friend Teabag
drove a Segway into a lake." What?

Yeah! Yeah, Tomorrow's World
made the mistake of filming in Carmarthen.

We were only 12.

To be fair to Teabag though,
he was absolutely hammered.

Oh, it's important to be fair.
Oh, that reminds me.

Teabag likes me to be up and running
by the time he arrives.

Apparently, if I'm sober, I'm overly
concerned about being arrested.

Well...

Teabag always says, if you spend
your life worrying

about the law, you're never
going to get your knob out in Lidl.

That's the gravestone sorted. Yeah,
well, it was kind of exhilarating. Oh, you didn't?

Oh, God!

A little tip... Yeah, I've heard!

No, little tip for you.

Lidl's CCTV only focuses on
the more expensive items.

As long as you steer clear of
the Lambrini, you can do what you want in there.

Teabag went down on a cheap ham
hock for over five minutes, it was amazing. Oh, dear God.

To be fair to him though,
he was absolutely hammered.

Oh, and Teabag counts cider
as one of his five a day.

He says courgettes are fine,
but they'll never get him hammered. God, I can't wait...

DOORBELL GOES
Oh, it's Teabag!

If I hear hooves, I am leaving.
Yeah, just be grateful we don't have a hand-dryer.

Hey! Welcome to the pleasure dome!
Ah, come here. Where are they?

Hello, London! Teabag is here!

Oi-oi! This is Teabag. You remember
Josh, and this is Kate.

M'lady. M'lady. Ha-ha!

Beautiful woman and with
a lager on the go, you're already on my legends list.

I've got a lager as well. Yeah.
Drinking it pretty slowly, yeah?

Hoping it'll evaporate, are you, eh?

Only joking!

Right, enough talk, Owen,
get 'em out the fridge!

Er, one, two, three, four lagers.

And what does everyone else
want to drink, eh?

I'm joking, I'm joking, yeah?
But seriously, I'll have two cans, yeah? No problem!

So, er, "Teabag".
That's an interesting name. Where does that come from?

Fall asleep near me
and you'll find out.

No overnight bag?

Overnight bag?
I'm not an air stewardess!

I've got all I need in my pockets,
boy. A toothbrush and eight condoms.

I've got to pay for my board
somehow, haven't I, eh?

So, did anyone see
Virgins Say No last night?

Yeah, I did. Yeah. No?

Ah-ha-ha! Virgin!

I can see his hymen!

Oh, this is fun, isn't it?

Yeah, you gonna join us tonight
then, are you, Virgin? Oh, maybe next time.

Oh, good boy, good boy.
I'll hold you to that.

Yeah. Now you're only
about 50% virgin.

How is that even possible?
Fingering?

TEXT ALERT

Oh, my God, amazing news!
Mike and Martha have split up!

Oh, that's a shame.
No, it's not. You hate her.

Remember when you gave her
20 quid to get a round in?

She got tap water and gave the money
to a soup kitchen. Oh, yeah.

There much fanny at
this soup kitchen?

Er... fanny?

My second favourite part of
the female body, after the brain.

Only joking. I absolutely
love fannies, I do.

I'm gonna go and meet Mike
for a drink.

Oh, my God, it's gonna be amazing!
We've got so much to talk about! No, wait, wait!

Just, just let him
do the talking, yeah?

Remember when you and Natasha
split up and I told her that it was weird that she was with you anyway

because she was so much taller
than you in heels? And then you got back together? Yes!

Well, that was awkward
for everyone, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was. Also, it wasn't that
weird. I just bought her flats.

She was still taller than you.

You should have just bought
yourself some heels.

Oh, yeah, THAT would have solved
the weirdness, wouldn't it?

Either way, just keep
your mouth shut. Yes, OK, OK.

See you later, Virgin!
I'm not a virgin!

Once a virgin, always a virgin.
What does that even mean?!

God, I loved her.
We all did, mate. We all did.

Gotta be honest though, she could be
a bit... difficult at times.

I really hadn't noticed.

But you never know, maybe
you'll get back together.

No. She deleted my number.
And recycled all our photographs.

She could be a little bit...
overbearing, don't you think?

Oh, it's not for me to say, mate.

I wasn't going mad though,
she could be, couldn't she? No, I don't want to talk out of turn.

You're my best mate. I value your
opinion. She could be a little on the militant side. Yes!

What about the time she made me
sleep outside for a week,

just so I'd know what it was like
to be homeless! Oh, God, yeah.

I had to survive on change
she gave me on the way to work.

Didn't she get you moved on
by the council?

They confiscated my sleeping bag.
She was so bloody worthy!

Oh, isn't she, God!?

Did I tell you about the time
we passed Toby Anstis

taking a dump, mid fun run? No...?

She wouldn't let me take
a photograph. What? Cos he was doing it for charity.

What, the dump? What was I thinking?

Oh, and what about her
furry fingers?

What about her furry fingers!
Like holding hands with an ewok.

Oh, unbelievable!

Oh, it's so good to hear this!

Katie. Joshua.

Oh, ha-ha-ha, here they bloody are,
the boys. How was your night out?

Well, I'm down to four condoms and
that toothbrush won't be able to look me in the eyes again.

Oh, it was legendary.
I got my head stuck in the railings outside Oceana.

Absolutely quality!
I was fine though.

I just drank through
a straw until the firemen arrived. Yeah, reluctantly!

I still did it though.
How was your night out with Mike?

Oh, amazing! Should have heard
the things he was saying.

He hates her! She was controlling,
she was jealous.

She once slapped him because he
thanked a female bus driver!

I once thanked a female bus driver,
if you know what I mean!

I said to her, "You're used
to handling something big

"and red, so wrap your
hands around this!"

I was talking about my cock!
I know, I got it, yeah.

Oh, it's so good to have
Mike back. We've booked a lads' weekend in Bruges.

Flying Virgin, are you?

Won't be a lads' weekend if
it's you and Mike, it's just a weekend. We can be laddy!

Last night we were discussing our
problems between the sheets.

What, about whether he should splash
out on some Egyptian cotton? I've splashed out on some! 00:09:58,182
No, no, no, no, no! Josh!

Rule one of the post-break-up chat,
don't say what you actually think.

I mean, what did he say about her?

Nothing. Josh?

Just that she could be
a little difficult.

SHE SIGHS
What else?

Josh, what else?

I might have said that
she had furry fingers.

No! Ha! Furry fingers!

Yeah, I said it must have been like
holding hands with a mitten. Ha! Legend!

You are aware you're
about to lose Mike?

Your only friend outside this flat?

I've got loads of friends
outside this flat! See? Ha!

PHONE RINGS
Who's that?

Well, it just happens
that this time it's Mike. What are the chances(?)

Hello, mate.

Yep.

Yep.

No, absolutely. I'll see you then.

Cheers, man, bye.

They got back together.
They're engaged. Yeah.

It was hard work, but I think
you'll agree it was worth it.

Presenting to you,
your new love nest!

Ta-dah!

What the hell is this?
It's your dream boudoir!

Why have you done this to me?

Why on earth would you think this
was the style I wanted to keep?

You didn't want to
lose your feature wall.

I think it's what gives
the room urban edge.

Urban edge? I'm not Biggie Smalls.

Um, sorry, I don't know
what that is. He was a rapper.

Oh. What, like, like... like the
Sugary Gang?

It's the Sugar Hill Gang, Geoff.
Look, why did you...

Who are the Sugary Gang, then?

I don't know!
Baddies from a dental advert?

Look, can you just please
sort this disaster?

I think it looks cool. It looks
like solitary confinement.

What are you going to do,
get rid of the bed and give me a ball to bounce against the wall?

No ball games in the flat,
you know that!

Look, Geoff, can you just
get this wallpaper stripped off, please. It's not me.

And for a designer, it's lights out.

And not in a sexy, "Let's
get down to it with an air of mystery" kind of way.

I want it off my wall by tomorrow.

I think I know what a designer
would like and wouldn't.

You're aware of my design
background? What design background?

I studied art for seven years. What?
Where? At St Luke's in Southend.

Although I dropped it when
I moved up to secondary school.

That's not design background,
that's childhood.

I'm a dab hand at making writing
paper look older than it actually is. You take some tea...

That does not make you
a designer, Geoff!

OK. If you're not going to let
it go, I'll tell you what.

We'll get some spray cans,
put some graffiti up.

It'll look like you live
in New York.

What are you talking about?
My nephew Kevin,

he's got a wall like this
in his bedroom, right?

I'm quite an artist
with a spray can.

I did a massive great Lion Bar logo
on his wall, it looked fantastic.

I don't want a Lion Bar logo
on my wall, Geoff.

I can do Monster Munch, or Quorn,
if you're on a health kick.

No! Well, how about
"Geoff was here"?

That would look like we spent
the night together!

Sorry, Kate, I have a rule about
not sleeping with tenants.

I wasn't saying we were going...

Although if I did, this
is exactly the kind of room I'd love to do it in.

Here's one for you. For two points,

what did Topanga do for a living
when she left Boy Meets World?

Yeah, er, Josh, you're going
to need to apologise to Martha

for what you said.
How does she know what I said?

I told her. Why?

You've got to be transparent
in relationships.

To be honest, we were both a little
bit upset by your criticisms.

You had the same issues! Yeah, but
I was on the back of a break-up,

I didn't know what I was saying.
You don't have that excuse.

Why are you being like this?
I'm not being like anything.

Look, we just feel like you can be
a little bit of a bad influence.

A bad influence? I'm not picking
you up on a Harley Davidson.

Look, just meet up with her
for a drink,

then you can apologise in person.
In person?

This isn't Frost/Nixon. I mean,
look, can't I just text her?

Is she on WhatsApp?
Look, just suck it up and be a mate.

No, I have nothing to apologise for.

Look, if you don't apologise,
Martha won't let us hang out.

Hang out?! We're not ten!
I mean, what else is she going to do?

Limit our time on the N64?

No, I'm sorry,
she shouldn't be making you choose.

Come on, I'm your best friend. No.

I'm not going to be forced into
doing something I don't want to do.

I mean, if you can't respect that
then, fine. I've got other friends.

Like Teabag.

Jesus wept, there's two of them.
What is this?

Virgins Anonymous?
Haha! Good one!

Hey, can I hang in here?

Geoff is still decorating my room.

He's been going through his
top ten skirting boards.

He sings the Top Of The Pops
jingle in between each one.

Oh, I've had that conversation
with him.

I seem to remember birch was
a non-mover.

Yeah. So what are you doing?

Just choosing a shirt
for going out tonight.

What? You dress up to go
to the pub with Mike?

Just to make sure you're
doubly co-ordinated?

I'm not going to the pub with Mike.
Oh, you're going on your own?

No, I'm going with Owen and Teabag.

You're going to the pub with Teabag?

Er, should I notify
your relatives now?

I think Mike is a bit
more your pace.

Me and Mike aren't speaking any more.

Oh, bless.

Um, for two points, which virgin
with no friends is going

to get alcohol poisoning dressed
as his grandmother's armchair?

Well, if you're
so concerned about me,

why don't you come
and join us for a drink?

I can't. I'm seeing
my interior designer tonight.

I think I might really like him.

Oh, really?
And how did you meet this one?

Er, I met him
in the Tate Modern gift shop.

And what were you doing
in the Tate Modern?

Er, just taking in some art.
Oh, yeah, which exhibition?

OK, I just went to use the toilet.
but he doesn't know that.

I bought a book to impress him.

Which book did you buy?

Top 30 Art Postcards.

Oh, I bet he is going to be
putty in your hands!

I bet you told him you
like design as well, didn't you?

Possibly. Of course you did!

What do you mean by that?
Well, it's like when you dated

that surfer at uni for two months.

All you did was wear
No Fear clothing.

Er, not true!
My beanie was from Fat Willy's.

So if you like this interior
designer so much, why haven't you brought him back?

Be honest - are you banging
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?

Why? Do you want to give him
his shirt back?

No, I'm not banging Bowen.

I'm going to bang an incredibly hot
guy with incredible taste.

You know my rules on sleeping
with tenants, Kate.

Before I forget, you didn't hear
what my number one was.

HE HUMS PICK OF THE POPS THEME

Dual purpose pine. Nice.

I mean I've been caught
having sex on CCTV before

but apparently a speed camera
was unprecedented.

Right. I'm going to have a slash
then let's get going, yeah?

Yes!

I'll need both hands for this job!

Hello, toilet! Here's Daddy!

He talks to toilets.

LOUD URINATION

Has he got his hands
on another horse?

I've seen it. You're not far wrong!

I can feel it going through
the pipes.

URINATION STOPS

I'm not sure if you should...

URINATION RESUMES

URINATION STOPS

OK, I don't think...

URINATION RESUMES

I don't think you should go out
with Teabag tonight, Josh.

I need to make new friends. It's
either that or apologise to Martha.

Don't listen to her. Teabag is
the only friend you'll ever need.

Last night, he drank a Smirnoff Ice
through his ear!

That's not possible.
Er, tell that to TFL.

Ha! Look what I found!
Anyone lost this orc?

Oh! There's a mate for you, Josh!

Oh, good to finally meet
your boyfriend, Kate.

Well done on pretty much repeating
my joke. Well done on being a secret Warhammer fan.

I'm not a secret Warhammer fan!
Not any more.

Yeah, it must have been the previous
owner. He had orcs everywhere.

The humble forest orc, the noble
mountain orc, the wily river orc.

Is this another top ten?
Look, Geoff, shouldn't you be decorating my room?

It's all in hand.
Come and have a look.

TEABAG: That was incredible.

The colour of a Spacehopper
and a similar consistency.

I haven't flushed if you want
to go and have a look.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

I've been so busy, Kate,
I can't remember a time

when I wasn't stripping wallpaper.
Et voila! I've got these two done.

I'll have these done in a couple of
hours' time. Oh, brilliant, thanks.

I know you're meeting that bloke, so
I'll make sure I let myself out

in time for you to...
Don't touch my bed again, Geoff.

No, you're the boss.

Kate, please, just come for one or
two and then after that...

Hurry up, Virgin! Those Strongbows
won't strawpedo themselves!

Please! Just one or two?

Josh, you don't need to
be doing this.

You don't see me
out strongpedoing Strawbows

and I've still got loads of mates.
Really? Who?

Well, there's you guys,
my brother, Mr Wong...

Who's Mr Wong?
He's a mate.

What do you talk to Mr Wong about?

You know, my takeaway order, how
it differs from the last one...

Come on, Teabag, let's do this!

Relax. Never rush your first pint.
Enjoy it.

Oh, thank you, Teabag.
Oh, pleasure.

This is actually very pleasant.
It's nice to make new friends.

Here's to a laid back evening
of conversation.

Three pints of snakebite.

You'd better not be flagging, boy.
Let's get them in us.

Drink it! Come on!
Drink it! God, you're drunk!

Special drink,
there you are, Virgin.

What the hell was that?

Drink it, drink it, drink it!
Yes! Quicker!

How is this place still open?
It's eight o'clock.

Oh, my God,
you've been sick everywhere!

That's my shoes. My mother bought
me those, they were expensive!

I think my favourite module
was feng shui. Hmm.

How did they set the desks out?

There were no desks.

Of course!

So this is me.
Hmm. Nice.

Thanks.
I love your coat, by the way.

Have you always had such
a great sense of style?

Oh, er, oh, yeah.
You know that trend at school,

people used to knot their ties
really short? Yeah.

That was me, I invented that.

Wow, wait, what? The stubby?

Yeah! I know. Still technically
a tie. Teachers couldn't touch me.

Ah, the perfect crime.
Yeah.

So um, do you want to come in for
a...

coffee?

I don't think you're supposed to do
the quotation marks, but, yes.

OK, cool. Come on.

Oh! Sorry!

Who do you live with? Stomp?

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Have you got any paracetamol?

No.
Oh, God, are you OK?

I think I might be hallucinating.

Yeah, the previous tenant
painted it.

Geoff stripped the wallpaper but
didn't think that would be an issue.

Oh, my God, please tell me you
brought Steve back? Yep.

It was terrible.
He couldn't muster himself.

Felt like the orc was
judging him. So when did he leave?

Right after he decided to run with
it and asked me if I'd role play as a centaur.

I do have some dignity so
I just put my clothes back on

and we called it quits.
How was your evening?

Oh, worse. I've never seen people
drink like that.

Teabag considers wine to be a mixer!
What did I tell you?

They gave me a nickname, Kate.
Inevitably.

They called me Princess Malibu

because I spewed up Malibu
in the first hour.

Why were they drinking Malibu?
They weren't, I was.

It was a drinking fine cos I'd failed
to cock one leg when I drank.

Well, why did you have to cock
one leg?

They had all these rules like
pints with your right hand,

shots with your left. Owen's to be
called The Golden Trumpet.

He's always been Owen to me.

I was hammered by the second round
which incurred a fine,

I then threw up the fine
and got fined again!

It's an unworkable model, Kate!
Ah, mate.

Morning, Princess Malibu.
Morning, Owen.

Well, strictly speaking it should be
The Golden Trumpet.

But I let you off because Teabag
stayed at that girl's house.

The one from the hen do?

Yeah. I don't know where those
bridesmaids stayed though.

Oh, um, by the way,

he's now 100% convinced that
you're a massive virgin.

Owen, this virgin thing's getting
really wearing.

Oh, I know,
but you'll find someone eventually.

No, Owen, please tell him to stop.

Last night he challenged me
to describe a vagina.

It's harder than you think.

Mate, it's as embarrassing for me
as it is for you. How?

Because I'm hanging out
with a virgin.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, it's Teabag. He's coming over.

He's ready to go on the piss again!

Oh, no...

I can't take it. It's like I'm
coming back from Vietnam.

Oh, my God, he's cracked.

I thought he was the only friend
anyone ever needed?

Oh, God, it's like
he's punishing us!

You know I've been friends
with him for years.

In school, his mum was friends
with my mum, but you know what?

I think he might be the devil, Kate.

Like, I've never seen him sleep,
I've never seen him eat,

and he's been here for two days
and now that's on the wall.

Oh, it's all right, mate.

And you know what?

Some of the things he says
are bordering on the misogynistic.

Impressed you managed two nights,
mate. I feel for you.

You feel for me?
He's your friend now too.

Look at that. He's coming
for both of us.

Do you know what?

Once you've sold your soul to the
devil, you can't just buy it back.

No, I don't want any part of this.
Well, he's your friend now.

And what other option do you have?

You wanted to say something to me?

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Hmm. It's about time.
Well, I appreciate that, Josh.

I'm glad we got that sorted then
so maybe... Sorry, is that it?

What? You're not going to tell me
what you're sorry for?

Just generally sorry.
Generally sorry?

Whatever it is you're worried about,
consider that apologised for.

Do you know, if you were actually
sorry, you would tell me

what you were sorry for.

You know, this is the problem
with alpha males like you.

You see backing down as a weakness.

I'm not an alpha male,
I'm barely even beta.

I'm a much lower Greek letter,
I'm... I'm zeta.

I mean, is there a zeta?
That's not the point.

The point is I've said some things
I regret, but you make Mike happy.

And I love that and I celebrate that.

Thank you, Josh.

I'm not the person you think I am.
I just want to put this behind us.

OK. Do you know, it's really nice
of you... Just hold that thought,

I'll be back in a second.

Teabag, this is not the time.

Oi-oi! Virgin alert!
Don't lock up your daughters!

Sh! Sh! Sh!
What are you doing here?

Owen was sick in the sink after one
single Budweiser. It was shameful.

Anyway, he told me my newest
drinking buddy was down the pub

getting on it so here I am! I'm not
getting on, I'm not getting on it.

You're in the pub at 3pm, mate,

you either work here or you're
getting on it. Hang on a sec.

You having a drink with Kevin Keegan
or is that what I think it is?

No, no. she's just a friend, she's
just a friend. Are you on a date?

No, no! Is she going to be the one
to deflower you? No, she's not!

Is she refusing to leave
second base, is she? I see.

You want the Teabag to put in
a good word for you? No, no, no.

I'd love to get on it with you
but I just need to talk to her.

I'll see you next time you're down.

All right, say no more.
I'll leave you to work your magic.

You know, making love is nature's
greatest gift. Welcome to the team.

Thank you.

Look, I'm sorry about that.
I couldn't just...

No, it's really nice
to clear the air.

Hello, my name is Christopher.
No, Teabag, what are you doing?

But you can call me Teabag.
Why are you called Teabag?

Fall asleep near me and
you'll find out. He likes tea!

What are you doing here, Teabag?

I just had to come over and tell
her how amazing you are as a man.

Why would you do that?

As a thank you for him
letting me stay this weekend.

I'd have been on the street
otherwise. You did that?

Yeah. I didn't know you were
helping with our work?

Yeah, yeah, no, I am.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

He has real respect for people,
especially women.

I happen to know, for a fact,
that he'll never sleep with a woman

unless he'll spend the rest
of his life with her. Really?

Teabag, Teabag. He's saving himself
for the right woman. Is that true?

Yeah, I just feel
that true love waits.

I knew it!
It's actually quite sweet.

Sweet doesn't cover it. His mate
broke up with his girl this week

and that's all he's worried about.
Oh, Josh!

Yeah, no, I really have, yeah.

Well, it wasn't a great loss
though, was it?

Oh, really? I mean, what did
you call her again?

No, Martha doesn't need
to hear this, Teabag!

No, Martha does need to hear this.
No, she really doesn't need to hear about this.

Come on, Josh! It was funny.
His mate was seeing this girl,

and... what was it you called her?
She was worthy, she was stuck-up.

What else did you say she had?

Oh, that was right!
She had furry fingers!

TEABAG LAUGHS

Oh.

Well, that'll cut the heating
bills in the winter, won't it?

Unlucky, mate.

And the worst thing is,
you made me waste water!

Well, as I said,
once a virgin, always a virgin!

Only one thing for it.

Barman! Pint of Stella
and a Malibu for the lady!

Right, we're staying here
till closing time.

And then we're finding a stables!

MUSIC: This Charming Man
by The Smiths

You're drinking with your
right hand! Forfeit!

You've still got your watch on,
you can tell the time in Bogota!

Forfeit! You looked at
the bar snacks! Forfeit!

God, you're bad at this!
I'm sorry!

Apologising! Forfeit!
Oh!

God! Are you drunk? Yes!

Double forfeit! Oh!

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