All language subtitles for Josh s01e02 Mum and Dad.eng

Come on, guys,
it was an honest mistake.

- Who series-links Babestation?
- It's not even a series.

Not like it matters if you miss
an episode. I'm sure you'll catch up.

You've wiped everything!

- Not the controller.
- Oh!

This is just typical of you, Owen.
You only care about yourself.

Oh, that is not true, I do care!

That's why I made you this little
present to show you I'm sorry.

- Oh, I don't want one of your mix tapes!
- What's wrong with you?

We're friends, aren't we?

It's weird. It's shorthand for
"I'm deep, let's make love".

- I'm not your girlfriend.
- I know!

That's why I had
to series-link Babestation.

Lily? It's Josh.

Oh, my God, hey!

- Josh from school?
- Josh from school.

I wrote your Lord Of The Flies
coursework for you!

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

- So, I'm a comedian now.
- Wow!

- I know, yeah!
- No, seriously, wow!

Yeah, I know, thanks.

You are literally the last person
I would have expected.

I mean, you weren't at all
funny at school.

I mean, I never spoke to you but you
didn't look funny.

I mean, you looked funny,
but you didn't look FUNNY.

- Right, OK.
- So is that quite an unreliable job, then?

- Do you have a pension?
- No, no, no. Toying with an ISA.

God, you're what my dad would call
a drain on society. - Right.

Actually, what are you doing
tomorrow night?

- Why?
- Come for a drink.

Are you a financial advisor?

No, I mean socially.

What? Me and you together,
at the same time? Yeah, definitely.

And maybe we could take photos
and put them on Facebook

so people from school can see
what we're up to?

- No, don't do that.
- No, I won't do that, I was joking.

- Are these clean or not?
- What the hell are you doing in here?

Tidying the flat
before my mum gets here.

She needs my bedroom so you're going
in with Owen, and I'm in here.

They don't go in there.
They're clean!

You call these clean? I think you
need to start using hotter washes.

Right, give me them here.

Anyway, anyway this doesn't matter,

cos you're not going to
believe what's just happened to me.

What do these two words
mean to you? Lily Riley.

Er, the massive bitch who
melted my Trevor and Simon ruler.

Or you might remember
her as the hottest girl in school.

Nope, I remember her as the cow who
stole my training bra

and then brought it in for show-and-tell.
- Well, it's funny!

She said it was
for transporting acorns,

but that it wouldn't hold enough for
a squirrel's lunch! - That's funny!

Big mistake. You mess with the
K-Bomb, you're going

to get ink on
your Naf Naf jacket!

Oh, come on, Kate. You need to
move on. It's not the '90s any more.

But if it was, I would be sat
on the back seat of the bus with

the hottest girl in school,
cos I have a date with Lily Riley.

- You're going on a date with Lily Riley?
- Oh, yeah!

- This is fantastic!
- I know!

Look how far she has fallen!

Reduced to going on a date
with a guy

she used to call
the Fresh Prince of Bell End!

Did she? That doesn't matter.

Maybe she was playing hard to get,
or maybe she was intimidated by me.

She was out of my league physically,

I was out of her league
intellectually.

There's no such thing
as an intellectual league.

Oh, really?
Then why was I in top maths?

Because you didn't have
a social life!

Look, to be honest, she had her
pick of the football team.

I'm not sure she was secretly
yearning for the spotty blond

in the Umbro manager's jacket.

It was a nice jacket!
Ruud Gullit had one!

Oh, you are so sad sometimes,

it makes me want to cry!
Also, you hated her.

Remember her boyfriend pulled down
your trousers

in front of everyone and you got the
nickname "The Grape"?

- Yes.
- Who pulled down his trousers? - No, you don't need to...

- It was at school.
- No, shush-shush! - Craig Lemington pulled down

- his trousers in the tuck shop...
- No, don't tell him!

- ..And his knob looked like a grape.
- A grape?

Wasn't going to
find it arousing, was I?

- What kind of grape?
- No, that's not the point, the point... - Seedless!

The point is that my trousers
are going to be down

near Lily Riley again,
but this time, on my terms.

You do know flashing is a crime?

No, what I mean is,
she wants to pull down my trousers.

Why would she want to do that?
Is she opening a vineyard?

You're both just jealous

cos I'm going out with the hottest
girl in school.

Oh, oh, yeah.
And she was notoriously picky.

I mean, she only slept with

- every single bouncer in Torquay.
- No, she didn't.

- They used to radio each other to say
she was on her way. - No, they didn't!

And, her dad was that judge.

And when he found out
Craig Lemington kissed Lily,

he put him in jail for a week
without trial.

No, no-one's got those powers!
And he hit one of her boyfriends

in the balls with a golden gavel.
- Right.

- A where would he have got a golden gavel?
- 25 years of service?

Right. And B: these are urban myths.

Fair enough. Just remember, Josh,

think with your head,
not with your grape.

- Get away from my grape.
- Little grapey. - Get away from my grape.

Why are these Top Trumps everywhere?
Do you even use them?

They are educational!

OK, look, Owen.

When my mum gets here,
you are on your best behaviour, OK?

She is turning 50
and it is vital she has a good time.

So no Babestation?

- God! Just try and show you care for once.
- I do care!

Why do you keep saying that?
I'm a master of talking to mums,

aunties, cool grans.

If they were giving out
qualifications for charming

the slightly older lady,
I would have a GNVQ.

OK, cool. Well, she likes all
the normal mum stuff, OK?

Like Magic FM, er, Great British
Bake Off, me, my sister...

Well, soon she's going to have a new
thing to like.

DOORBELL RINGS
This guy!

OK, well... Look, it's not been
long since my dad left,

so just don't be a dickhead.

Mum!

Hello, darling! You did give me
the right address.

There's a terrible smell out there.

I've checked my shoes but I think it
must just be the hallway. - Er, OK.

Hello!

Hello.

- Owen, this is Judith.
- You didn't tell me you had a sister, Kate. - Umm.

- Umm - I'm her mother.
- Oh! Mother?

Could have fooled me, hold the
front page, world's youngest mother!

- Actually, that's quite a bleak news story.
- You should see her sister.

She's four years older,
had three children,

looks younger than
both of us. Doesn't she, Kate?

- Thanks, Mum.
- No, she must have good genes.

She could be our
granddaughter, couldn't she, Kate?

Well, she's immature,
if that's what you mean.

Jumped on it, haven't you?
Just jumped on it.

I wasn't jumping on anything.

You've just got here and
now you're...

- Guys, you left the front door wide open.
- Oh! - And who might you be?

Kate, you didn't tell me
you were subletting to Goldie Hawn.

Geoff, this is my mum Judith.
Judith, this is Geoff, our landlord.

Oh!

Beauty begat beauty.

Is it important, Geoff?
Mum is just settling in, so...

Yeah, I just came round to see
if my man Owen is still OK to

help me out in a couple of days,
clearing out one of my garages.

I own three garages, Judith.
Large enough for a sports car.

Yeah. Could do with a hand, Owen?

Give the back a bit of a rest.

I er, I did it
moving my music centre.

I've got... I've got a music centre.

It's quadruple deck.
You can record directly off radio.

- Wow.
- It's all good with me, Geoff.

And I also came round

to see if anyone needs
a tour of London Town. Judith?

We could start at a lovely Italian
restaurant I know.

Have you been to Spaghetti House?

Er, sorry, Geoff, but I've already
agreed to show Judith around,

- isn't that right, Judith?
- Oh, yes, that's right.

- Yes... Owen.
- Sorry, mate.

- Can I come?
- No. Anything else, Geoff? - No.

Owen is quite the romantic
swordsman, isn't he?

- OK, thank you, Geoff.
- Geoffrey will have to raise his game.

Yeah, people think comedy is
exciting and glamorous.

But I haven't
been on holiday for four years.

Last year, I earned so little, I
didn't even have to pay income tax.

- Amazing.
- You really like that?

Yeah. I love it.

I'm sick of the same old "Lily,
why don't you settle down?

"Why don't you give me
some grandchildren?

"Why don't you stop setting
fire to things?"

If I want to sleep with some
deadbeat, I will.

I only own one pair of shoes.

- Keep talking.
- This watch come out of a cereal packet.

Now you're just showing off.

Let's get some atmosphere in here.
Do you want to dim the lights?

What's wrong with these
light switches?

How am I meant to know which one
corresponds to which switch?

Yeah, those are
for the kitchen lights.

It makes no sense.
Who wired this place - Wile E Coyote?

I mean, in a minute, an anvil's
going to fall on me.

- Is this one of your routines?
- Do you think it should be?

Not if you want to start
paying income tax.

This is a nice place, isn't it?

How do you afford it?

I don't. It's my dad's.

Your dad lives here?

Ah, speak of the devil.

Hello, Lily. And you are?

Hello, I'm Josh.

Don't touch the marble.

Josh and I have just been out
drinking together.

I wouldn't say drinking. We just
had one or two very quiet drinks.

I had a shandy. And I didn't
even finish it.

I'll leave that one over
there, I think.

Josh is a comedian.

- He's so skint, I had to pay for everything.
- Did you?

PHONE RINGS
I'll get it.

His watch is from a cereal packet.

Listen, boy, I've moved to London to
keep an eye on my daughter

and I won't have yet
another boyfriend messing things up.

Did she say I'm her boyfriend?

No, and she never will.
Do you even have a pension?

I'm toying with an ISA.

ISAs are not to be toyed with.

I don't like comedians.

No time for jokes.
"A horse walks into a bar"?

Not on my watch. No
animals near food preparation areas.

- Very wise.
- Look, I'm in the middle of a very difficult case.

I'm tired
and I can't be arsed with this.

So you and your jokes just toddle
off home now. There's a good lad.

Yes, your honour. Just get my coat.

To the left.

Thank you.

- Mum?
- Don't think so. - What are you doing up?

- I'm just back from Lily's.
- Ssh!

I'm back from Lily's.
And next on the agenda, a piss.

Oh, no, you can't! My mum's asleep.
You'll wake her.

- You piss for ages.
- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

You told me last week you pissed for
so long, you became genuinely bored!

I'd forgotten my phone.
Now let me past.

You know what it's like for me.
When I've got to go, I've got to go.

No, no! No midnight pissing
while my mum is here.

If you wanted to empty your bladder,
you should've done it earlier.

One old person turns up,

you start running this place like
a dodgy care home.

I should film this
and send it to Watchdog.

- Now, I've had a stressful night, let me past!
- Oh, why?

Did Lily pull down your trousers
in front of the tuck shop?

Worse, her Dad showed up
and threw me out the house

just as we were
about to get down to it.

Firstly, only James Brown says
"get down to it".

Secondly, Lily lives with her dad?
Brilliant!

Thirdly, you're going to be the only
person ever to have dated

Lily Riley and not had sex with her.

You could be on Record Breakers.

Not true. I got
a text from her on the way home.

Her dad throwing me
out really got her going.

I'm bringing her back here
tomorrow night.

If I was you,
I would hide my training bra.

Oh, you are not going to bring
that bitch back here.

If you do, I'm going to

put a bucket of soapy water
above the door.

All right, Dave Benson Phillips.
Why are you up, anyway?

My mum described her weekend
with my sister as

"her greatest
experience as a mother".

I'm just feeling the pressure
a bit. Can't sleep.

You can't sleep?
You should try going in with Owen.

Last time I top-and-tailed with him,
I woke up with his toe in my mouth.

I had been having
a dream about a Chupa Chups!

Actually, maybe your mum could
go in with Owen,

then I could have my bed back.
They seem to be getting on all right.

- What do you mean by that?
- What's your problem? - Nothing.

Just something that Geoff said.
He implied Owen and my mum were...

Getting down to it?
Stop using that phrase!

I think they would make
a lovely couple.

Oh, just go
and have your quiet piss.

And hit the porcelain,
not the water.

But you've had
girlfriends before, Joshy?

Yeah, but she's different.
Her dad absolutely hates me.

I mean, I don't think he's going to
let me... be with her.

You know, I have been around long
enough to know what you mean

by "be with her".

Oh, I want to be with
her so much, Judith.

I want to be with her in
every room of the house.

Oh, little Joshy.

You were always so special.

Do you know, you were the only boy
we ever let come on sleepovers?

That's flattering.

Hmm. You want to be careful.
This one sounds like trouble.

She reminds me of that nasty little
cow that used to bully

- Kate at your school.
- Lily Riley?

Yes, that's the one,
addicted to dating failures.

Drove her father mad.
Left most of them wrecked.

I'd be amazed if any of those poor
boys ever managed

to have a
relationship again.

But she did sleep with them?
Oh, yes. She...

Happy birthday, Mum.

Oh, my goodness me!

There you go.

Oh, my goodness. Almost forgotten.

Is that me?

No, it's Mary Berry.
It's a Mary Berry cake.

Oh! Well, she'd struggle to use
that as ID, wouldn't she?

The Queen would stand
a better chance, wouldn't she?

Oh, honestly, you shouldn't have.

OK. Well, er,
you're going to love your present!

Ta-da!

THEY MIMIC TRUMPET FANFARE

- It's a Paul Hollywood jigsaw!
- It is, yeah.

Look at that. A 3,000-piece jigsaw.

Oh, you shouldn't have, really.

Oh, look - Mary, Mary, it's Paul.
"Hello, Mary."

"Got a soggy bottom, Paul?"
- You don't like it, do you?

You prefer what my sister got you,
don't you?

- What did she get you?
- Oh. A handbag.

- What kind of handbag?
- Brown. - What make?

- Mulberry. But I like both presents equally.
- Yeah, right.

Oh, no. Look what I've done now.
She's rouging.

Oh, yeah.
You're rouging, aren't you, darling?

- I'm not.
- She's rouging. You are rouging.

- Stop it. Don't join in!
- Half woman, half apple!

I'm not rouging!
I'm not rouging, Mum!

She's always rouging.

Oh, don't be so sensitive. Come on.

- Let's, oh...
- Is she...?

Ah. Hello, Judith. A little birdy
told me it was your birthday.

And I couldn't let the occasion pass
without saying how much

I appreciate you.

- Really? But we only met yesterday.
- Yeah.

And as soon we met I thought of one
thing, and one thing only.

Spa!

- The shop?
- No, the thing.

I am a member of a little
health spa down the road.

- Really?
- Yes. So I got you a ticket,

for some
treatments tomorrow evening.

Oh. extraordinary.

You know, I've never been to
a spa in my life,

and in the last two weeks
I have been to two.

Because her sister
bought me the most incredible...

- Oh, well done her.
- Jumped on it.

- I didn't jump on it. I'm just saying well done her!
- Jumped on it.

Happy birthday, Judith!

- Oh, hello, Owen.
- Oh, hello, Geoff.

I've just, er, treated Judith to
some pampering tomorrow evening.

Can you beat that?

Well, you know.
Just got you a little something.

Oh, you shouldn't really, honestly.

Kate told me that you like music
so... I made you this.

Oh, you shouldn't have, really!
A mix tape!

A mix tape, interesting.

Yeah, a mix tape. Yeah, I can make
you a copy of that

on my er, music centre.

"Now That's What I Call Judith"!

It's all the biggest
hits from every year of your life.

- So just the 21 tracks.
- I'm not 21!

I can't believe it.
And I won't believe it.

Have you heard of Eagle-Eye Cherry?

No, I don't think I have, Owen.

Well, when you do, You'll want to
Save Tonight,

because to celebrate Judith being 50
years young,

I thought why don't we
go to the pub for some drinks?

- How does that sound?
- You don't have to do this, Owen.

It's fine. You know
it's in my nature to care.

No, you can stop. My mum doesn't
even like going to the pub, anyway.

- So it's...
- I'd love that, Owen.

- Thank you.
- Aw! - OK, well, I'm coming too.

- Yes, of course you are, darling.
- Me too. - No.

- You don't remember Nigel Lawson?
- I do remember Nigel Lawson, yes!

- And his daughter now, I suppose, Nigella.
- Yeah. Of course. - Yeah, I had a dream about Nigel Lawson.

Yeah, of course. As it's your
birthday, how about some bubbly?

Oh, there's no need
to buy champagne.

Er, barman, can I have a bottle of
your finest champagne, please?

I can vouch that she's over
the age of 18.

Honestly, what a gentleman.

I've only ever been bought
champagne once before.

And that was by Kate's
sister in Paris.

- Yeah, I'll get it. I'll get the champagne.
- Thank you.

- 45 quid!
- Here it comes.

Right, Judith.
As it's your special day,

why don't we link arms,
like they do in the films,

and toast the most exciting
and fun chapter of your life. - Which?

It's the one that's still to come!
How does that sound? So, cheers!

- Cheers!
- Here we go. - Cheers.

Hmm. Happy birthday!

THEY LAUGH

Don't expect much from my place.
It's pretty basic.

- We can always just stay at mine.
- No, we're almost there now.

So we might as well go there.

Shame.
Dad's got his legal mates round.

They're probably watching
a Judge Judy marathon

with their wigs on.
You're so lucky living on your own.

- I've actually got a couple of flatmates.
- Oh, who do you live with?

A couple of fellow underachievers.
One's a failed photographer.

- What does the other one do?
- He's Welsh.

Do you remember that awful Kate girl
that you used to hang out with?

- She was so lame.
- She was all right!

Nut nipples? No, she wasn't.
She was in top maths.

Oh, yeah! What a lamo.

God, I wonder what happened to her?

You know, for her GCSE's, she got
straight A stars. What a loser!

Yeah, qualifications
are so pointless.

I failed everything. You?

Didn't bother checking.
I'd kill her if I saw her again.

She once tried to flick
ink on my Naf Naf jacket.

It backfired
and she got herself in the face.

In the face? Interesting.
Right, well, here we are, chez Josh.

PHONE RINGS
Ah. Nice.

- Kate?
- No, that's a different Kate.

She's a,
er, unemployed graffiti artist.

So I just need to take this,
I won't be a second.

Hey, Kate, how are
things down at the wreck?

You got any, er, new sprays recently?

What?

Look, Owen bought my mum a mix tape
earlier. Now he's feeding her

champagne and telling her she looks
like a woman ten years her junior.

Oh, come on, be serious. He's not
actually trying to bang your mum.

I mean, think about it, can you
actually imagine them having sex?

Mmm.

Oh. my. God!

- It's easy. You're really on form!
- THEY GIGGLE

Right, that's it.
I'm bringing Mum home right now.

No, no, no, no, no! No, you can't do
that, Kate? No! Kate?

Hello?!

Everything OK?

Yeah, she's just worried the rozzers
have found her stencil.

So are we going in?

- I have lost my keys.
- That's fine, let's just go back to mine.

Your dad's place? No, I can't because
- umm, my inhaler's in there

and I can't go a night without it.

Inhaler? You are the gift
that keeps on giving.

Hey, hang on. Um, what are these?

They're my car keys.

You've got a Chubb lock on your car?

- You can never be too safe.
- Oh, God!

LAUGHTER

I think, I don't want
you to get cold,

so maybe you should go home.
Maybe we can meet up tomorrow night.

Er, OK. Dinner
and then drinks at mine?

Won't your dad be there?
Oh, don't worry.

- He'll be fast asleep by the time we get back.
- Do you promise?

You are so pathetic.
God, I want you to come back now.

LAUGHTER

- No, I can't.
- Are you at least going

- to walk me home?
- I'll walk you to a taxi rank.

- Have you got any money for the cab?
- No.

Amazing! My Dad is going to
hate this!

And then she was so turned
on by the fact I didn't have the

money for a cab that she dragged me
down an alleyway.

- And then just before we were
about to get down to it... - No!

Sorry, just before we're about to
get steamy...

- Even worse!
- ..a policeman saw us.

He thought I was mugging her!
I almost got arrested!

My God! If you
can't have sex with Lily

while you're down an alleyway,
then it's never going to happen.

- It's like her home turf.
- Sadly, her home turf is her dad's house.

But tonight, we're going
to wait till he's asleep,

we're going to sneak back there and
finally I'm going to get my end away.

- Eurgh! I miss "steamy".
- This is your fault.

I wouldn't be in this position

if you hadn't come home so early!
Yeah. That didn't even help.

I was still up
till about five worrying.

And then, and then, I had
a nightmare that Owen and my mum

are playing Twister and Owen folded

the mat in half
so it was more intimate.

Well, you don't need to worry, cos
your future stepdad's out all day.

He's helping Geoff
clean out his garage.

I'm too tired to even pretend
that's an euphemism.

Oh, she's surfaced.

Mum, I can sleep until one o'clock
if I want. It's my own home.

Well, technically you rent.
And I chip in.

Now, you seem very stressed.

I mean, I do feel awful about
tipping you out of your bedroom

and everything but I don't want
you to come out in hives.

- Mum! I don't get hives.
- Whatever.

Oh, do you know? I think I've got
just the thing. Wait here.

I'd guess massage oils. If she
hasn't already used them with Owen.

Why don't you go and fail to have
sex down an alleyway, mate?

I keep telling you, Owen -
lift from the knees.

Just as well I got
you to sign that waiver.

Well, to be honest, Geoff,
when you asked me to help,

- I assumed we'd be working together.
- I told you about my bad back, Owen.

Why have you bought the new garage?

Closer to home. Look, sit down.
Let's just cut the banter.

Sit down.
Let's have a bit of man chat.

So...

Did, um, did the mechanic fit
the spark plug last night?

Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm not sure?

Did the diplomat sign the treaty?

I don't understand?

You're going to force me
to use vulgar words, aren't you?

Did you...
"lie" with Judith last night?

What? No. Of course not!

Look, look, Owen,
the thing is, right...

Actually, this is really
uncomfortable.

- There's a reason they're designed like that.
- Yeah.

The thing is, Owen,
you're a young man.

You've got the pick of the orchard,
so to say.

Whereas, my apple tree hasn't borne
fruit for some time now.

Tell you what, I'm just going to

finish these
last few boxes here, Geoff,

and then actually...

Is that the time? I've got to be
somewhere as well.

Have you? Where have you got to be?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Unmistakable. Soap.

Ha-ha! Brilliant!

You're not your mum!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

Visiting your mum.

Well, she's at home. Oh, you didn't
think you were going to...

Oh, I don't want to think about it!

I am a red-blooded male, Kate.

Shut up!
This is supposed to be relaxing.

I'm almost having a bubble bath
with my landlord.

Why are you smiling?

I'm sitting on a jet.

God, get off the jet!

- Ah!
- Oh right, I'm turning off the jets. Jesus!

- Aren't you supposed to be working
with Owen? - I sent him home early.

But my mum's at home!
And Josh is out with Lily.

Oh, that means my mum
and Owen are at home alone together!

Oh, I see what's happened here.

The old "nothing untoward happened
last night" trick.

Well played, maestro.
I bow to your greater skills.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, they're obviously having
intercourse.

- Why?
- This is not the time or the place.

- Shhh!
- What?

What if your dad hears?

Oh, is Joshy scared of Daddy?

I'm not scared, no,
I'm not scared of him.

He can't hear anything. He's fast
asleep with his earplugs in.

Hey dad! You prick! Wake up!

Dad! You total bell-end!
You have a go.

Mr riley, you're a massive wanker!

All right, he's still my dad.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm just joking!
- Oh.

LAUGHTER

Hello?

You know, I never really
thought I'd enjoy this,

but it is very satisfying.

Hello? Hello?
It's me, Kate, your daughter!

I know what you're doing!
I want you to stop right now!

Oh, darling, we've nearly finished.

Oh... sorry!

I thought... Actually, don't worry
what I thought.

Just, er, carry on with the jigsaw.

- What did you think we were doing?
- Oh, nothing, nothing!

There must've been something you
wanted us to stop.

No, no, nothing, really.
Nothing important.

Cup of tea, anyone?

Well, if you're making one,
milk and one sugar for me,

milk and no sugar for Judith cos,
umm, she's sweet enough already.

Cool, no sugar.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

I'll use that mug you like,
the one with the frog on it,

that we got in Bognor Regis

and you said it looked like me,
but that's offensive, but it's fine.

Um, and I'll use the Welsh one
for you, Owen,

cos you're Welsh and...
Are you having sex with my mum?!

Sorry. No, no, I'm not sorry.
I need to know.

Are you two having sex?

No, darling, this is a jigsaw.
Did we never have that chat?

Good, good. Three teas coming up.

Get ready for tea! Tea time!

Why did you think
we were having sex?

I don't know - the mix tape,

the mounting each other on the pool
table, Geoff told me in a Jacuzzi...

What were you doing in a Jacuzzi
with Geoff?

That's not the main issue here,
Owen.

What, you thought
that Owen and I...?

Don't, don't say it
but yes, I did.

Sorry. I just...

No, no, no, no. Don't be sorry.

Don't be sorry. I'm flattered!

Really?

It's made my day.
What a perfect birthday present!

Better than a Mulberry handbag?

Oh, darling, no comparison.

You thought that Owen would like to
lie naked with me! Owen?

- Hello!
- OK, let's not dwell on that, please.

Kate, stop being such a prude.

I mean, women don't just
stop having sex at 40.

I think if anything, you become more
sexually confident with age.

Don't you want your mum to
enjoy her body?

No. I want her to enjoy her jigsaw.

Oh, darling,
your sister would have let me.

Oh, my God.
You're traumatising me right now.

- Jumped on it.
- What? No, I haven't! - What? What? What have I said now?

- I would never get away with saying that to my parents.
- Oh, yeah.

And then I told him about the cab
and he was like proper furious.

Really went off on one.
It was brilliant.

"Surely he had change on him?
I mean he looks homeless."

Good one.

God, I would love it
if you were homeless.

SHE GASPS

Just before we get down to it,
I just need to go to the toilet.

Get down to it?
Oh - who even says that!

Yeah. Um, it's just across the
hallway.

- I'll just be in here.
- Oh, my God!

Unlucky, mate! I'm just about to have
sex with your wayward daughter.

Oh, come on,
these bloody light switches!

SWITCHES CLICK LOUDLY

Oh, good one!

You're going to love this.

- I put a pair of boxer shorts in
the bed her mum slept in. - Oh!

Very funny.

Those weren't the ones I left there.

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