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{\an1}EERIE INTRO MUSIC
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{\an1}TRIP HOP BEAT
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{\an1}CAR HORNS BEEP
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You ever shit in a bucket?
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Sorry, what did you say?
You heard me, sweetheart.
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I see you and your Metroid t-shirt,
with your geek-girl glasses
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and cute little Pac-Man keychain.
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I see you, girl.
So let me ask you again,
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have you ever shit in a bucket?
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Because I have.
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Twice. Once playing EverQuest
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and then again playing
Shogun: Total War. I had bad guts!
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Right. Sorry to hear that.
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What was the last game you completed?
Full completion.
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{\an5}And if it was an 8-bit
and you played it on an emulator,
then save states don't count.
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I-I'm not sure...
"Erm, erm, I'm not sure!"
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And yet, here you are at a bus stop
looking all cute.
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"Oh, everyone, look at me,
I'm a gamer!"
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Do you know what this is?
This is cultural appropriation.
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{\an5}Because I did my business into a
bucket and I slung it out of a window
and into the privets.
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{\an5}I would do it again, in a heartbeat,
if the game demanded,
because that's hard-core.
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Slave to the game.
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Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.
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{\an1}TRIP HOP BEAT
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{\an1}CREATURES ROAR
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{\an1}SHE GASPS
Yeah!
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Right, mission complete.
Cut sequence.
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I must insist on absolute silence.
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"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal,
bring urgent news from the Citadel.
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"Your hive mother is gestating."
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Shit the bath!
She's fucking pregnant!
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"Soon she will spawn the mightiest
army the kingdom has ever seen
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"and her genocidal plan to cleanse
the outer rim will be completed."
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Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky?
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DIALOGUE SKIPS
Yeah. Taking it all in.
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Just drinking it in.
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Ooh, items! Apparently,
if I collect all 50 crystal acorns,
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I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.
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Sounds pathetic. I must have it!
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"The Jade Knot is in debt to you,
young warrior. Yaah!"
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{\an1}HORSES NEIGH
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{\an5}"Guys,
there's gonna be an announcement
about the Kingdom Scrolls movie."
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They're casting Vince Vaughn
as Tanadaal.
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WHAT? NO!
45
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Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
46
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I'm so sorry for your loss. No!
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He's too bulky!
He doesn't have the substance!
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00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:06,935
He's too substantial
and also too insubstantial!
49
00:03:06,975 --> 00:03:09,535
It's all kicked off.
Reddit's basically imploded.
50
00:03:09,575 --> 00:03:12,135
{\an5}Oh, my God! There was so much
hate speech on there,
51
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{\an5}one of the moderators
has been signed off with PTSD.
52
00:03:14,775 --> 00:03:17,855
{\an5}Is this a joke? Seriously,
is it fucking Jester's Day again?
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00:03:17,895 --> 00:03:19,935
Perfect! No sword play!
54
00:03:19,975 --> 00:03:22,975
No sword play on the resume
of Mr Vince Vaughn!
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But I guess that's OK because
he's only playing a barbarian!
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00:03:26,255 --> 00:03:29,815
Don't even get me started on the
hairline. Tanadaal has a fringe!
57
00:03:29,855 --> 00:03:34,095
A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn
is essentially 95 percent forehead!
58
00:03:34,135 --> 00:03:37,575
{\an5}Have you seen his hairline
from the Emmys?
His forehead is essentially infinite!
59
00:03:37,615 --> 00:03:39,935
This is an international outrage!
60
00:03:39,975 --> 00:03:42,935
I want to punch someone in the face!
I would punch my cat if I had a cat!
61
00:03:42,975 --> 00:03:44,575
I could kill, like, a person.
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If I had a sniper rifle right now,
I'd go and find a vantage point,
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squeeze off a clip,
take out a couple of grannies.
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Drink myself into a stupor
and get in a fight with an army man.
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00:03:53,175 --> 00:03:54,855
Pound my thighs
with a camping mallet!
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00:03:54,895 --> 00:03:57,815
Bang my head against a sheet of
titanium until I forget my own name!
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00:03:57,855 --> 00:04:00,135
Lock myself into the boot of my car
and just scream!
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Swallow a ping pong ball
so I asphyxiate!
69
00:04:02,095 --> 00:04:05,255
Bind my hands behind my back
and then fall out of the loft!
70
00:04:05,295 --> 00:04:09,575
Shave all my hair off and then
eat it from a bowl and just weep!
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Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad.
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KNOCK AT DOOR
Great, and now the shopping's here.
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This day is so fucked!
MEG WEEPS
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Great, thanks. Receipt's in the bag,
is it? OK, bye.
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00:04:23,375 --> 00:04:25,575
"Nicky, hurry up."
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"Nicky, hurry up. Come on."
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Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need
to put the shopping away.
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"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!"
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00:04:34,055 --> 00:04:36,415
Right, powdered goods there. There.
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Sauces there. There.
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Bread. Perfect.
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"Guys, it's me! Russell!
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"I made a new friend. This is
My Mum Died Yesterday. He's Swiss."
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00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:50,975
"Wait. Your mum died yesterday?"
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{\an5}"Whose mum died yesterday?"
My mom didn't die yesterday.
My mom died in '08.
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00:04:54,535 --> 00:04:57,615
"No, that's his name -
My Mum Died Yesterday. It's a joke!"
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He's mad! He's Swiss!
HOOVER HUMS
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Dance.
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00:05:03,055 --> 00:05:05,855
Come on, everyone, do the dance.
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00:05:07,455 --> 00:05:12,215
{\an5}Russell, mate, no-one dances
in Kingdom Scrolls any more.
It's the ultimate dick move.
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00:05:12,255 --> 00:05:17,015
{\an5}It's kind of like going to London
and wearing a t-shirt that says
"I Love London".
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But it's fun to dance. "Precisely!
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00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:23,975
{\an5}If you want fun, go and play
fucking Mario Cart against
some pink-haired girl from Japan.
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00:05:24,015 --> 00:05:26,015
Otherwise, grab a cudgel
and shut the fuck up!
95
00:05:26,055 --> 00:05:28,735
Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.
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00:05:28,775 --> 00:05:32,495
{\an5}Sorry, can I just ask you something?
If you don't enjoy it,
why do you still play it?
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00:05:32,535 --> 00:05:35,655
Well, that's the enduring mystery.
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00:05:35,695 --> 00:05:40,455
{\an5}It's a commitment I made in error
two years ago, which I seem somehow
unable to break free from.
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00:05:40,495 --> 00:05:41,735
I'm a genie in a bottle,
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00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,895
and no-one's got a bottle opener.
CLATTERING
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00:05:44,935 --> 00:05:48,015
And now he's stiffed me
with a shitty pear. "Who has?"
102
00:05:48,055 --> 00:05:52,015
{\an5}The algorithm, Meg.
The giant synthetic brain
that dictates the flow of my life,
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00:05:52,055 --> 00:05:54,655
because he knows me and he knows
I'm going to eat it anyway.
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00:05:54,695 --> 00:05:58,455
So here's to the algorithm!
Long may he reign!
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Mm! Really revolting!
106
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:07,855
I found a publicity shot of him
in a western from 2000.
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He looks wrong on a horse.
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00:06:09,855 --> 00:06:12,255
He just does.
109
00:06:12,295 --> 00:06:14,455
I'm really sorry, Meg.
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What's happened?
111
00:06:17,775 --> 00:06:19,735
Is everything all right?
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00:06:19,775 --> 00:06:21,855
Not really.
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00:06:23,255 --> 00:06:27,935
{\an5}They cast Vince Vaughn
in the role of Tanadaal
in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
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00:06:29,175 --> 00:06:31,775
What's wrong with Vince Vaughn?
He's funny.
115
00:06:31,815 --> 00:06:35,015
That movie where he gets the job
at Google...
116
00:06:35,055 --> 00:06:39,415
{\an5}Because that's what you want
for a character who saw his parents
burnt at the stake,
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00:06:39,455 --> 00:06:41,975
you want them to be funny.
Nicky, can you...
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00:06:42,015 --> 00:06:45,055
We're coming to terms with it.
It's still pretty raw.
119
00:06:45,095 --> 00:06:47,735
Well, I'm sorry.
120
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:52,015
{\an5}I know how much
these things matter to you and -
Excuse me. "These things"?
121
00:06:52,055 --> 00:06:53,615
I didn't mean it like that.
122
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:57,255
This is the casting of the lead,
Alison. This affects everyone.
123
00:06:57,295 --> 00:06:59,655
And you needn't think you're safe,
124
00:06:59,695 --> 00:07:03,055
{\an5}because they came for the remake
of Ghost in the Shell
and I said nothing.
125
00:07:03,095 --> 00:07:05,935
Then they came for the Fantastic 4,
126
00:07:05,975 --> 00:07:08,735
again, and I said nothing.
127
00:07:08,775 --> 00:07:11,255
And then they came
for Kingdom Scrolls.
128
00:07:11,295 --> 00:07:13,855
No. Sure.
129
00:07:13,895 --> 00:07:16,575
I'm annoyed, too, actually.
130
00:07:16,615 --> 00:07:19,015
Cor, that is so annoying!
131
00:07:19,055 --> 00:07:21,495
OK, Alison, you have no idea!
132
00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:24,615
Well, I mean, I know what it's like
to have things not go your way.
133
00:07:24,655 --> 00:07:30,615
{\an5}Because remember last year
when I went through
that really difficult time?
134
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,735
Oh, yeah. God, that was hard!
135
00:07:34,775 --> 00:07:37,135
So I socialised and I exercised
136
00:07:37,175 --> 00:07:41,215
and I, er, saw that therapist.
You know? Uh-huh. Yeah.
137
00:07:41,255 --> 00:07:44,335
And I talked about everything
and I came through.
138
00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:46,455
My point is, when things get tough,
139
00:07:46,495 --> 00:07:48,735
fight back!
140
00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:51,455
Anyway...
KNOCK AT DOOR
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Hi!
142
00:07:54,815 --> 00:07:57,175
Don't wait up!
143
00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:59,855
What the fuck is she on about?
144
00:07:59,895 --> 00:08:04,495
What really tough time? Not like
when she got ill and lost her job?
145
00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:07,415
I've got absolutely no idea!
Anyway, how is that even the same?
146
00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:10,215
Well, what's done is done.
147
00:08:10,255 --> 00:08:12,695
Give it another 20 years
and they'll probably do a reboot.
148
00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:14,495
Yep. Best thing we can do now,
149
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:17,855
hunker down for two decades
and wait for the reboot.
150
00:08:17,895 --> 00:08:19,895
You know what, Nicky?
151
00:08:20,895 --> 00:08:23,095
We don't have much, you and me,
152
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:27,575
we lead very thin lives,
but we have this,
153
00:08:27,615 --> 00:08:31,175
and you'd best believe we paid
our dues, motherfucker. Hallelujah.
154
00:08:31,215 --> 00:08:35,935
{\an5}The days and the weeks and the months
spent in the trenches,
after all of those whoo girls,
155
00:08:35,975 --> 00:08:38,735
the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!"
with the thick-rimmed glasses,
156
00:08:38,775 --> 00:08:42,535
pretending they play FIFA so they can
hoover up all of the hot dick
157
00:08:42,575 --> 00:08:44,375
whilst I'm shitting in a bucket,
158
00:08:44,415 --> 00:08:46,695
and this is the thanks I get?
159
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,575
I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn
as the lead?
160
00:08:49,615 --> 00:08:52,335
Well, I say no more!
Now, are you with me
161
00:08:52,375 --> 00:08:56,575
or are you gonna bend over and take
another mouldy pear up the shitter?
162
00:08:56,615 --> 00:09:00,295
Comrade, I would follow you
into battle any day,
163
00:09:00,335 --> 00:09:03,415
but I think you knew that.
164
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:08,095
Totally forgot you shat
in that bucket. So badass!
165
00:09:10,335 --> 00:09:14,935
THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn!
Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn!
166
00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:16,815
Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.
167
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:18,895
Protest. What's the plan?
168
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:22,975
{\an5}So, if we get 20,000 signatures,
they have to discuss it
in the House of Commons.
169
00:09:23,015 --> 00:09:26,415
Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer.
Bullshit! I say we dox him.
170
00:09:26,455 --> 00:09:29,615
Hit him where he lives. Find the
address of his production company,
171
00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:31,455
send them a sleeping bag
with a turd in it.
172
00:09:31,495 --> 00:09:34,535
Hang on. Sorry, Meg.
That's meaningless. And unfeasible!
173
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,015
It's entirely feasible.
174
00:09:36,055 --> 00:09:40,335
{\an5}So, what, you're gonna
buy a sleeping bag from Argos,
do a turd in it,
175
00:09:40,375 --> 00:09:43,295
and then what,
get DHL to courier it to LA?
176
00:09:43,335 --> 00:09:45,535
It'll take three weeks,
probably cost £200.
177
00:09:45,575 --> 00:09:50,135
{\an5}They'll open it, it won't be Vince,
it'll be the nice girl on reception,
it's only her second week,
178
00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:54,495
{\an5}she probably won't find the turd,
which'll be all shrivelled up anyway
from all the air travel,
179
00:09:54,535 --> 00:09:59,175
£200 to send a desiccated turd
to an intern! It is just nonsense!
180
00:09:59,215 --> 00:10:01,735
Guys, guys, come on!
Where's the unity?
181
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,615
Sorry, Meg.
182
00:10:03,655 --> 00:10:06,055
We need to work together.
We have a shared message.
183
00:10:06,095 --> 00:10:10,535
Yeah. We repeal Vince Vaughn and
replace him with Michael Fassbender.
184
00:10:10,575 --> 00:10:12,375
Fassbender?! What?
185
00:10:12,415 --> 00:10:15,095
Do you have any idea
how short Fassbender's legs are?
186
00:10:15,135 --> 00:10:16,695
I don't know, Nicky, tell me.
187
00:10:16,735 --> 00:10:19,695
24-inch inside leg,
and that is on very good authority,
188
00:10:19,735 --> 00:10:22,655
and you want him to play the Tall
Man of Blackspire? Fine. Then, who?
189
00:10:22,695 --> 00:10:26,175
Cumberbatch. Oh, you total pussy!
190
00:10:26,215 --> 00:10:28,575
"What?"
Are you a fucking woman, Nicky?
191
00:10:28,615 --> 00:10:33,575
{\an5}Are you an actual lady
with a VW Beetle and a subscription
to Grazia magazine?
192
00:10:33,615 --> 00:10:37,215
Daddy, Mommy wants you
to hold the ladder for her!
193
00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:41,615
{\an5}I'll be right there, honey!
Oh, would you lookie here?
I seem to have my fingers crossed.
194
00:10:43,215 --> 00:10:45,255
"Good news. He's on his way!
195
00:10:45,295 --> 00:10:48,655
"My Mum Died Yesterday is coming
to my house. He's mad. He's Swiss."
196
00:10:48,695 --> 00:10:51,375
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is coming to your house?"
197
00:10:51,415 --> 00:10:53,135
"Yeah. We're gonna hang out."
198
00:10:53,175 --> 00:10:54,655
Mad! Swiss!
199
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:57,415
No. You don't do that, Russell!
200
00:10:57,455 --> 00:11:01,815
You don't invite a man called
My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.
201
00:11:01,855 --> 00:11:05,215
Why not? Ugh! Honestly!
202
00:11:05,255 --> 00:11:10,215
And I'm sorry but I need to ask,
how are you this stupid?
203
00:11:10,255 --> 00:11:14,375
Seriously. Were you raised in the
wild by a troupe of feral morons?
204
00:11:14,415 --> 00:11:16,495
No, I was raised at home
by my mum and Frank.
205
00:11:16,535 --> 00:11:18,575
You don't invite people to your home,
Russell.
206
00:11:18,615 --> 00:11:21,615
He's probably gonna kill you.
Did you even check his profile?
207
00:11:21,655 --> 00:11:24,135
"How do I do that again?" Control-P.
208
00:11:27,455 --> 00:11:29,535
Nah, I'm sure it's fine because...
209
00:11:29,575 --> 00:11:31,895
..14's basically an adult, right?
210
00:11:31,935 --> 00:11:35,935
He's 14?! "I mean,
you can join the army at 14, so...
211
00:11:35,975 --> 00:11:39,055
"Siri, can you join the army at 14?"
212
00:11:39,095 --> 00:11:43,175
{\an5}Oh, my God, Russell!
You just invited a child
to come and live with you!
213
00:11:43,215 --> 00:11:45,415
Hang on.
He's not coming to live with me.
214
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:48,695
{\an5}"Did you even ask his parents?
They'll probably think
you wanna fuck him."
215
00:11:48,735 --> 00:11:51,815
{\an5}"Why would they think that?"
"Because that's what people like you
do."
216
00:11:51,855 --> 00:11:54,495
"That's not what people like me do,
actually!"
217
00:11:54,535 --> 00:11:56,895
"You groomed him, Russell.
This is grooming."
218
00:11:56,935 --> 00:11:58,375
"I didn't groom him!"
219
00:11:58,415 --> 00:12:00,415
I groomed his horse!
220
00:12:00,455 --> 00:12:03,455
You groomed his horse?
In the stables! We both did!
221
00:12:03,495 --> 00:12:07,975
{\an5}And how is this going to sound
when it's read aloud in court?
"You groomed a child's horse."
222
00:12:08,015 --> 00:12:10,735
"Daddy, I can't hold the ladder
by myself!"
223
00:12:10,775 --> 00:12:15,135
{\an5}Russell, as a father,
I happen to know a thing or two
about the welfare of young children.
224
00:12:15,175 --> 00:12:18,815
My point is, you cannot let this boy
in your home.
225
00:12:18,855 --> 00:12:21,415
You see this, Meg? Such a noob!
226
00:12:21,455 --> 00:12:26,135
It's all cool. I'll just call him
and tell him not to come.
227
00:12:26,175 --> 00:12:28,735
{\an1}LOUD CLATTERING
228
00:12:28,775 --> 00:12:30,655
Honey?
229
00:12:31,695 --> 00:12:33,935
"Honey?"
230
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:40,175
Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving!
231
00:12:40,215 --> 00:12:41,495
Oh, boy!
232
00:12:47,550 --> 00:12:49,950
{\an1}METAL CLANGS
233
00:12:56,390 --> 00:12:58,830
OK, what's this now?
234
00:12:58,870 --> 00:13:00,870
I am hitting the statue
with my sword.
235
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,070
And I'm going to keep on
hitting the statue
236
00:13:03,110 --> 00:13:06,110
until such time as they reconsider
the casting of Vince Vaughn.
237
00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:09,830
You're clonking. That's what
you're doing. You're a clonkist.
238
00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:11,790
Pretty effeminate clonking sound,
dude.
239
00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:13,630
It's the sound of progress, Usman.
240
00:13:13,670 --> 00:13:17,070
{\an5}Well, while you've been clonking,
I've cut a deal
with The Flaming Shitheads.
241
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:19,910
The Flaming Shitheads? You know
the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
242
00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:22,870
Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming
Shitheads. They're shitheads.
243
00:13:22,910 --> 00:13:27,310
{\an5}Exactly! They found Vaughn's
contact info from the Sony dump.
We've been hounding him.
244
00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:29,630
Oh, Jesus,
not the turd in a sleeping bag?
245
00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:31,430
Worse! Phone calls, emails.
246
00:13:31,470 --> 00:13:35,270
{\an5}We're thinking of sending
a cardboard coffin to his house
filled with horrible drawings.
247
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:38,670
It's my idea. I mean,
it's unpleasant, but it's effective.
248
00:13:38,710 --> 00:13:42,150
{\an5}She has a point.
If it's clonking or hounding,
I have to go with hounding.
249
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:46,070
{\an5}The Flaming Shitheads are racist.
They're a bunch
of alt-right freakos.
250
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:49,430
{\an5}They purged the entire wetlands
because they thought
the geese were Jewish.
251
00:13:49,470 --> 00:13:50,870
{\an1}BIRD CLUCKS
252
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:54,110
Nicky, I don't know how much you know
about Nelson Mandela,
253
00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:58,270
{\an5}but I've seen the film
and I happen to know he did
some pretty questionable things.
254
00:13:58,310 --> 00:14:02,630
He threw a hand grenade at...
a school bus. I can remember.
255
00:14:02,670 --> 00:14:04,910
My point is, it's time to fight back!
256
00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:08,070
"Yeah, that's it, angel.
Give Mommy the blue one."
257
00:14:08,110 --> 00:14:10,510
No, the blue one
from the bottle on the side.
258
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:14,230
{\an5}"She has two of those
with a glass of water.
You're doing great baby-cakes."
259
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,710
How is your wife, Usman?
260
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:18,950
Oh, she's a trooper.
And the girls have really rallied.
261
00:14:18,990 --> 00:14:21,470
Daddy! I can't get the bottle open!
262
00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:24,110
You need to push it down
and then twist.
263
00:14:24,150 --> 00:14:26,310
"Push and then twist.
264
00:14:26,350 --> 00:14:27,670
"No, twist."
265
00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:30,990
PILLS RATTLE
OK, honey-bunny, now you got it!
266
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:33,350
Those girls never fail to amaze me.
267
00:14:33,390 --> 00:14:35,950
Is that him? OK, that's not him.
268
00:14:35,990 --> 00:14:39,190
{\an5}Otto's not answering his phone
so I'm watching out for him
with binoculars.
269
00:14:39,230 --> 00:14:42,270
Right. So you're trying not to behave
like a paedophile
270
00:14:42,310 --> 00:14:44,830
by watching young boys
through binoculars?
271
00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:47,670
God, this is an absolute minefield!
272
00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:50,790
I should delete my character
and go back to playing hockey.
273
00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:52,830
Sorry, you play hockey?
274
00:14:52,870 --> 00:14:55,710
Oh, yeah. I used to play
for England schoolboys.
275
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:58,990
But then I got really into cocaine.
Then I found Christianity.
276
00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:03,550
{\an5}Then I found cocaine again.
And then there was an overlap period
where I was into cocaine and Jesus.
277
00:15:03,590 --> 00:15:07,990
{\an5}And then I stopped doing that
and then I spent about a year
trolling David Attenborough.
278
00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:11,350
Russell, I just found a small boy
on the driveway.
279
00:15:12,790 --> 00:15:15,030
Shit. OK.
HE PANTS
280
00:15:15,070 --> 00:15:19,550
{\an5}Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake.
I made friends with him on the game.
I didn't know he was a child.
281
00:15:19,590 --> 00:15:23,310
You need to sort this out.
Look, Mother, I am sorting this out!
282
00:15:23,350 --> 00:15:26,350
{\an5}We need to turn off all the lights
and hide until he goes back
to Basel.
283
00:15:26,390 --> 00:15:28,590
Bit late for that now, son.
284
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:31,550
What the...?
285
00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:34,470
Oh, my God. What the fuck?
You let him in!
286
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:38,470
I couldn't leave him! He's a child,
Russell! A Switzerland boy.
287
00:15:38,510 --> 00:15:39,830
I couldn't just turn him away!
288
00:15:39,870 --> 00:15:43,790
Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum!
No, you're the fucking idiot, son.
289
00:15:43,830 --> 00:15:45,950
I've got to get back to work. What?!
290
00:15:45,990 --> 00:15:49,830
{\an5}What am I gonna say,
"Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy
back to Switzerland?"
291
00:15:49,870 --> 00:15:51,830
Mum, don't you dare...
292
00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:53,510
No! Do not...
293
00:15:53,550 --> 00:15:55,710
No, Mum!
294
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:59,110
Mother!
295
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:01,190
Mother?!
296
00:16:01,230 --> 00:16:03,590
MOTHER?!
297
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,390
Oh, Jesus Christ!
298
00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:07,670
Russell's got a boy in his room!
299
00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:13,070
{\an5}Dude, I don't want to teach you how
to suck eggs, but whatever you do,
do not fuck him.
300
00:16:13,110 --> 00:16:16,270
In fact, you should film yourself
not fucking him, just in case.
301
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,230
Uh-oh.
302
00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:23,190
Where is he? He's gone.
303
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:25,190
{\an1}SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES
304
00:16:25,230 --> 00:16:27,070
{\an1}WATER RUNS
Oh, no.
305
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:29,070
Oh, Christ, no!
306
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:31,870
He's in the shower!
307
00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:33,870
"My Mum Died Yesterday
is in my shower!"
308
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,270
There's a nude boy in your house.
309
00:16:36,310 --> 00:16:39,350
"He's already nude?
What is it with you Europeans?"
310
00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:42,230
OK, that's it, you're going to jail.
311
00:16:42,270 --> 00:16:45,510
He hasn't got a towel. What if he
comes out and it's all steamy
312
00:16:45,550 --> 00:16:48,870
and he's looking for a towel
and he's nude and he bumps into me?
313
00:16:48,910 --> 00:16:52,350
You need to get him out of there.
I can't. He's locked the door!
314
00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:55,310
"Lure him out with chocolate." What?
"I mean it, man!"
315
00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:58,870
Get some choc and a piece of string
and just lure him on out of there.
316
00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:01,150
Wait! Forget the choc!
Bust the door down!
317
00:17:01,190 --> 00:17:03,430
"Don't bust the door down!"
318
00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:05,910
You can't bang on a nude boy!
319
00:17:05,950 --> 00:17:07,630
Just get out! Run!
320
00:17:07,670 --> 00:17:09,870
{\an1}HE WHIMPERS
321
00:17:09,910 --> 00:17:11,790
OK, I'm in the garden!
322
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:15,470
"Call the cops." "Yeah, but what if
they seize his laptop, though?"
323
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:18,710
"The chat logs..." "All that talk
of having sex with young boys."
324
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:20,270
I didn't say that! You said that!
325
00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:23,390
"God, this is really tense."
Will someone tell me what to do?!
326
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:25,790
"Wait, I got it!
327
00:17:25,830 --> 00:17:28,350
"No, sorry, it's gone.
OK, you're fucked!"
328
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:33,070
You're on your own, mate. All on
your own with a wet naked child.
329
00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:35,910
I'm kicking him out.
330
00:17:35,950 --> 00:17:38,110
I'm booting him out of the house.
I am.
331
00:17:38,150 --> 00:17:40,670
{\an1}TENSE MUSIC
332
00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:47,870
{\an1}HE KNOCKS SOFTLY
333
00:17:47,910 --> 00:17:52,230
Otto, mate? You need to put your
clothes on and leave, please, mate.
334
00:17:52,270 --> 00:17:55,310
"At least half-close your eyes in
case you accidentally see him nude."
335
00:17:55,350 --> 00:17:57,550
{\an1}SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS
336
00:18:01,150 --> 00:18:03,150
I have your bag.
337
00:18:03,190 --> 00:18:06,150
You need to take it and get out.
338
00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:11,710
Oh, no.
339
00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:14,910
His mum died yesterday.
340
00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:18,710
Well, not yesterday but recently.
His mum died!
341
00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:22,310
Yeah. I mean,
I guess all the clues were there.
342
00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:24,230
"Jesus, he's an orphan."
343
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,350
You're his mummy now, Russell.
344
00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:31,350
{\an1}CLANGING
345
00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:33,910
"Oh, hey, Nicky."
346
00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:35,190
"What the hell is that?"
347
00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:39,070
{\an5}"Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn.
I made it with Character Creation
tools.
348
00:18:39,110 --> 00:18:43,350
"I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin
but I think it does the job.
349
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:48,350
"We're going to string it up by the
cathedral and fire harpoons at it.
350
00:18:48,390 --> 00:18:50,070
"Are you coming?"
"You crossed a line.
351
00:18:50,110 --> 00:18:53,230
"That's basically a hate crime.
You're a war criminal!"
352
00:18:53,270 --> 00:18:55,630
"Suit yourself. Come on, boys!
353
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:01,630
"Ha! Right in the tit!
354
00:19:01,670 --> 00:19:04,510
"20 gold crowns
if you can get him in the goolies.
355
00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:07,190
"Yes!"
356
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:19,390
Have you seen the Twitter?
357
00:19:19,430 --> 00:19:22,230
Vince Vaughn's withdrawing
from the role.
358
00:19:22,270 --> 00:19:24,110
What?
359
00:19:24,150 --> 00:19:25,510
No way?
360
00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:28,510
Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true!
361
00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:31,990
# Vince Is Mince!
The nightmare is over!
362
00:19:32,030 --> 00:19:33,750
There's a quote from his PR team.
363
00:19:33,790 --> 00:19:36,950
They said he withdrew from the role
due to, quote,
364
00:19:36,990 --> 00:19:39,590
"Some of the vicious
personal comments online."
365
00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:43,150
{\an1}THEY GASP
That was me! Some of that was me!
366
00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:46,950
Did they mention the clonking at
all? This might sound a bit grand,
367
00:19:46,990 --> 00:19:50,390
but I've changed the course
of human history! I just have!
368
00:19:50,430 --> 00:19:53,030
Good for you, Meg!
369
00:19:53,070 --> 00:19:56,110
{\an1}THEY LAUGH
370
00:19:56,150 --> 00:19:58,990
He drove his car into a tree.
What was that?
371
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:01,710
Apparently, some guy saw him
in a bar looking all sad
372
00:20:01,750 --> 00:20:06,470
and then he got into his car
and, yeah, ploughed into a tree.
373
00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:09,350
I think he's OK.
He split his head open
374
00:20:09,390 --> 00:20:12,270
and lost consciousness
for a few minutes.
375
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:14,270
Mm.
376
00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:18,910
Right. His daughter's been crying
on Instagram.
377
00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:22,630
{\an5}I think they're sending him
to a facility,
so he's going to be all right,
378
00:20:22,670 --> 00:20:25,510
but still...
379
00:20:25,550 --> 00:20:28,430
Oh, God! Mm.
380
00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:30,310
What type of tree?
381
00:20:30,350 --> 00:20:33,350
Oak. 32 miles per hour.
382
00:20:33,390 --> 00:20:36,110
Pinned to the wheel.
383
00:20:36,150 --> 00:20:39,510
Neighbours reported squealing,
apparently. Squealing? Squealing.
384
00:20:39,550 --> 00:20:43,710
Vince Vaughn was squealing?
He was squealing, yes.
385
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:46,870
The star of The Wedding Crashers,
386
00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:50,070
squealing in his Prius.
387
00:20:50,110 --> 00:20:52,030
But I guess that's good for you
388
00:20:52,070 --> 00:20:54,430
because now
he won't be in your movie.
389
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:56,110
So, yeah.
390
00:20:56,150 --> 00:20:58,150
Yay!
391
00:21:05,510 --> 00:21:07,510
Mm...
392
00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:09,830
{\an1}SWEEPING MUSIC
393
00:21:14,870 --> 00:21:17,830
"Reports of sustained squealing."
394
00:21:17,870 --> 00:21:22,350
{\an5}"So it wasn't just a single squeal,
it was sustained."
"Yep. All right, Nicky."
395
00:21:22,390 --> 00:21:24,550
That was you, Meg.
Some of that was you.
396
00:21:24,590 --> 00:21:25,870
Us, Nicky.
397
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:29,830
{\an5}Some of that was us.
Sending him a coffin
filled with horrible pictures?
398
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:34,670
{\an5}It was probably the clonking
that tipped him over the edge,
like a raven pecking on his skull.
399
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:38,310
Bullshit. What's clonking
ever achieved? All right!
400
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:40,710
Maybe it's the cost of progress.
401
00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:44,710
Because there's always a Hiroshima.
There's always a Dresden.
402
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:46,910
And that's cool.
403
00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:54,310
Guys, good news. I asked my mum
404
00:21:54,350 --> 00:21:57,630
and she said Otto could stay with us
till he gets himself sorted out.
405
00:21:57,670 --> 00:22:00,910
Wow!
That's actually really sweet of you.
406
00:22:00,950 --> 00:22:06,110
{\an5}Can anyone think of something fun
to do to cheer him up? You know,
because his mum died, didn't she?
407
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,990
Actually, there is one thing.
408
00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:11,710
{\an1}SWEEPING MUSIC
409
00:22:11,750 --> 00:22:14,470
You were right, Russell,
this actually is fun!
410
00:22:14,510 --> 00:22:16,990
Oh! The robot! Oh!
MEG LAUGHS
411
00:22:17,030 --> 00:22:20,230
I'd just like to remind you that
all you're doing is pressing is F4.
412
00:22:20,270 --> 00:22:22,110
Yeah, but I'm doing the robot.
413
00:22:22,150 --> 00:22:25,550
Nicky, stop being such a killjoy.
Get over here. No, thanks, Meg.
414
00:22:25,590 --> 00:22:28,430
I'd rather eat my own thumbs.
415
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,030
"You'll never guess who
they're thinking of casting now."
416
00:22:34,070 --> 00:22:37,230
Paul Rudd.
417
00:22:37,270 --> 00:22:39,590
WHAT? NO!
418
00:22:39,630 --> 00:22:43,870
Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!
419
00:22:43,910 --> 00:22:46,310
I might actually be sick!
My hands have gone all tingly!
420
00:22:46,350 --> 00:22:48,470
I just wanna fall asleep
and never wake up!
421
00:22:48,510 --> 00:22:51,590
This is a living, breathing
nightmare!
422
00:22:51,630 --> 00:22:53,830
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