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1
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,758
(CHEERING)
2
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,595
Hello, everybody.
3
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,365
Hello. Thank you.
4
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,138
Hello.
5
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,206
Thank you.
6
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:14,575
Thank you so much.
7
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,211
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the Grand Tour,
8
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:20,148
which, this week,
comes from the Netherlands.
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00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:21,582
(CHEERING)
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00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,886
We're setting something
of a record, actually,
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00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:31,159
cos we are the first three
British men ever to come here
for a weekend
12
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,161
and not vomit
on a prostitute.
13
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,428
(LAUGHTER)
14
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,230
Actually,
we love coming to Holland.
15
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:37,965
James for his...
for his own reasons.
16
00:01:38,310 --> 00:01:40,201
(LAUGHTER)
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00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:43,300
And I like it because
the Dutch are officially
18
00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:45,173
the tallest people on earth.
19
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,907
It's true. True fact.
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00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,510
-Yes, and I hate it here.
I'm sick of...
-(LAUGHTER)
21
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:52,513
I'm sick of staring
at belly buttons all day.
22
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:57,951
The only problem I do have here
is that I'm not allowed to use
the word "swaffelen".
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00:01:58,180 --> 00:01:59,353
RICHARD: Yeah.
-(LAUGHTER)
24
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,921
Well, you just did,
didn't you?
25
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:05,193
No, the thing is, OK,
it is a really bad word here,
26
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,860
and I have no idea why.
27
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,630
-What does it mean?
-It means... (CLEARS THROAT)
28
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,798
(LAUGHTER)
29
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,702
It means to bang
your gentleman sausage...
30
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,937
...on the side
of the Taj Mahal.
31
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,939
-Oh, God!
-(LAUGHTER)
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00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:20,741
Anyway, listen. Erm...
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00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:24,478
We're in Rotterdam,
which is a marvellous city,
in fact,
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00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,614
because you aren't allowed to
bring a car into the city -
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00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:31,252
a petrol car -
if it was built before 1992.
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00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:35,623
You aren't allowed to bring
a diesel car into the city
if it was built before 2000,
37
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:39,590
which means you're never
held up by poor people.
38
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,561
(LAUGHTER)
39
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,932
-Really?
-What else can we say
about the Dutch?
40
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,735
-Oh, of course, you gave
the world speed cameras.
-Oh, yeah.
41
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,738
-So thank you very much
for that.
-Thank you.
42
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,973
No, actually,
I'd far rather be pulled over
43
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,544
by the actual Dutch police
rather than a speed camera,
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00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,247
cos, boy, oh, boy,
do these guys look good.
45
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,314
-We've got a picture here.
-Whoa!
46
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,250
(LAUGHTER)
47
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:06,854
I would very much like to see
a lady policeman in an outfit
like that.
48
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,230
-It looks like the guy
on the right already has.
-(LAUGHTER)
49
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,926
-Shall we get on
with the show... man?
-(LAUGHTER)
50
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,595
Yes, good idea. Er...
51
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,865
And coming up in our
programme about cars
this week...
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00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,340
I try to pull a camel.
53
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,404
Come on. Come on.
54
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,639
A donkey pulls James.
55
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,443
And Richard gets stuck
in a cow orgy.
56
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,746
I-I really am alarmed.
57
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:38,352
But first, there's been a bit
of an argument in the office
between these two.
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00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,187
You see, Richard maintains
59
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:44,858
that the Mazda MX-5
is all the sports car
you would ever need.
60
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,195
-Because it is.
-Mm-hm.
But James says it isn't.
61
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:49,797
Because it isn't.
62
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,801
So we decided
they should sort it out
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00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:58,406
by going to
the obvious proving ground
for all sports cars:
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00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,408
North Africa.
65
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,747
(CALL TO PRAYER)
66
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,855
(DRUMMING)
67
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,678
RICHARD: This is it,
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00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:42,350
the latest version of
the bestselling two-seater
roadster of all time.
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00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,453
And it's easy to see why.
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00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,540
Peppy little engine
at the front,
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00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,424
two seats in the open air in
the middle, rearwheel drive.
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00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,930
It's the perfect
sports-car recipe.
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00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,963
But layered on top of that
in this new version
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00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:58,432
you get air conditioning,
heated seats,
75
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,834
lane-departure assist,
cruise control,
76
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,637
rain-sensing wipers,
dusk-sensing headlamps.
77
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,839
You just can't do any better.
78
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,743
Well, you can, actually,
because all of those luxury
items you're mentioning now,
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00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,481
they just add weight,
and they mean it isn't
a true sports car any more.
80
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:14,982
-Yes, it is.
-No, it isn't.
81
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,751
Colin Chapman, he was
the bloke who founded Lotus,
82
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:21,789
he said the ethos of
a sports car is simplify
and add lightness.
83
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,625
He didn't say you simplify
and add electric windows.
84
00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:29,196
Yep, and then he gave all his
money away to a drug dealer
called John DeLorean.
85
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,131
This, ladies and gentlemen,
is what it's actually about.
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00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:33,200
This is called the Zenos.
87
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,904
You get four wheels,
you get somewhere to sit,
an engine, and that's it.
88
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,506
It's a sports car.
89
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,642
-Yeah.
What do you do if it rains?
-Well, you'd get wet.
90
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,644
What if you want to listen
to the radio?
91
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,579
Why would I want to listen
to the radio around here?
92
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,280
-Does it have a heater?
-No.
93
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,183
-Has it got windows?
-Look, if you buy
a football boot,
94
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,286
you don't expect it to be
usable as a ballet shoe,
do you?
95
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:58,191
But Mazda has invented
a football boot that you can
wear to the opera.
96
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:02,290
Look, I can guarantee
that if you wear that shoe
to the opera house...
97
00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:03,864
RICHARD: At this point,
the director said
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00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,900
he'd heard enough about shoes
for one day...
99
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,602
(ENGINE REVS)
100
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,640
...and told us
to go for a drive.
101
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:23,183
Right, now I'm away from
Hammond's luxury sports car
resort,
102
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:26,454
let me tell you a little bit
about this remarkable car.
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00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,123
It's powered by
the 2L turbocharged engine
104
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,727
from the Ford Focus ST,
giving 250 horsepower.
105
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,464
That's mounted in the middle,
right behind my head there,
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00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,832
driving the rear wheels
through a no-nonsense,
107
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,169
old-school six-speed gearbox.
108
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,773
Now, 250 horsepower
doesn't sound like a huge
amount in the modern world,
109
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,842
but this car,
made with an aluminium spine
110
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,712
and composite tub,
and all the rest of it,
111
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:53,747
weighs less than
three quarters of a tonne,
112
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,490
so it is genuinely quick.
113
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,785
Look... Whoa!
114
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,794
Yeah! (MIMICS ENGINE NOISE)
115
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:15,736
It makes the noise of some
futuristic propulsion system
powered by antimatter.
116
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,505
(ENGINE ROARS AND HISSES)
117
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,143
Yes! Electrifying!
118
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:35,155
James comes from a world
where he wants his phone
and his camera separate.
119
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,724
"I like a paper diary."
120
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,860
This Mazda is a smartphone.
It does everything.
121
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:47,670
It looks brilliant,
it will be endlessly reliable,
it's fast,
122
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,370
it's got speakers
in the headrests,
and it handles well.
123
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:57,578
And you can get an MX-5
from ?18,500.
124
00:07:57,645 --> 00:08:00,548
James's car
starts at ?33,000,
125
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,783
and you don't even get doors!
126
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,218
My shed has got doors.
127
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,550
I furnish my cats with doors.
128
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,657
You need doors.
129
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,629
(RATTLING)
130
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:20,400
I bet he's being shaken
to death in that thing.
131
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,202
I bet Hammond thinks
I'm being shaken to death
in here,
132
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,604
but actually he's wrong,
133
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:27,400
because this isn't like
a BAC Mono or a Radical.
134
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,443
It is obviously very much a
car for taking on the track,
135
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,379
but it's been tuned
for road use.
136
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,647
It's quite supple.
137
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:34,815
See? Look.
138
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,417
Bump. It's all right.
139
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,886
I'm very relaxed.
140
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,270
JAMES: Eventually,
we pulled over
for a cup of coffee
141
00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:49,262
and a bit more arguing
about doors.
142
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,660
Just because they had them
in the 12th century
143
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,402
on cathedrals, whatever,
you don't need them now.
144
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,870
Don't be a slave
to convention.
145
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,600
But people had eyelids
in the 12th century,
146
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,709
and nobody's deciding,
"Let's get rid of those,
they're old hat."
147
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,211
"Oh, no! I've got dust in
my eyes and I can't sleep."
148
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,413
That's completely facile,
Hammond. You know exactly
what I mean.
149
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,820
The door... I mean,
Riva speedboats
don't have doors.
150
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,618
You don't say...
151
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:13,486
(EXHALES)
This is lovely, isn't it?
152
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,880
What are you doing here?
153
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,725
Well, word reached me that
you two were talking rubbish.
154
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:21,228
-What do you mean, "rubbish"?
-Well, if you want
the best sports car,
155
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,831
you don't want a Mazda
or a Zenos. You want--
156
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,733
Oh, God.
He's brought an Alfa Romeo.
157
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,300
Yes, of course I have.
158
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,303
Alfa Romeo 4C Spider.
159
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:39,647
JEREMY: This is what
I'm talking about.
160
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,482
A symphony in carbon fibre.
161
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,517
Balance personified.
162
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,954
The Graduate updated.
163
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,923
A mini Ferrari,
as cute as a bunny rabbit,
164
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:53,393
with the greatest badge
in the history of mo--
165
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,128
How much is it?
166
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,666
-You know perfectly well
how much it is.
-Yeah, we've forgotten.
167
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,834
Money is vulgar.
168
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:05,720
You can't put a price
on something
as exquisite as that.
169
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,340
Yeah, but Alfa Romeo
did put a price on it,
didn't they?
170
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,475
And what was it?
171
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,678
-Sixty thousand pounds.
-(LAUGHTER)
172
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,147
So you could have both
of our cars and everything
in the back of shot
173
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,283
for the price of
one of these Alfa Romeos?
174
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,720
I know, it is extraordinary
value for money.
175
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:23,290
-It's too far
from outside to inside.
-It's miles!
176
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,758
JEREMY: Yes, thick sills...
177
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,694
-Here we go.
-...for strength.
178
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,962
Look at this,
rotary heater knobs.
179
00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:31,498
-It's like being in
the 1970s.
-Yeah, it is, actually.
180
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,800
This handbrake, look at that.
181
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,350
Is that fixed on
or does that come off?
182
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,537
Alfa Romeo, purveyors
of disappointment
for nearly three decades.
183
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,606
RICHARD:
Look at this. Classy.
-(JAMES MOANS)
184
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,242
RICHARD: Yeah.
Feel the quality in that.
JAMES: Let me feel that.
185
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:45,112
RICHARD: Mm.
JAMES: Sixty thousand
pounds?!
186
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,413
RICHARD: Mm. And this...
-(HOLLOW KNOCKING)
187
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,810
That's what you want to hear.
188
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,984
If you ever buy
a new item of clothing,
never show it these two.
189
00:10:51,510 --> 00:10:55,155
"What are you wearing that
jacket for? It makes you look
like a German gameshow host."
190
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,890
RICHARD: That's satisfying.
-(LAUGHTER)
191
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,759
JAMES: Why are you wearing
that jacket?
192
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,994
Because I was at a party
in India last night,
193
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:02,462
and I've hurried over here.
194
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,997
RICHARD: Why did you go
to the party
195
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:05,332
dressed as a German
gameshow host?
196
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,737
JEREMY: Soon,
I grew weary of their abuse
197
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,339
and set off in what,
be in no doubt,
198
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:16,543
is my favourite car
on sale today.
199
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:22,615
I will admit, there are
one or two tiny little
problems with the 4C.
200
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,217
Trivial stuff.
201
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:28,155
It's very wide. The gearbox
is a little bit dim-witted.
202
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:32,592
If you fit sports exhausts,
the noise is catastrophic.
203
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:35,280
The petrol tank...
yeah, that's too small.
204
00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:39,767
You've really only got
a range of 300... yards.
205
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,969
And then there's
the steering.
206
00:11:42,350 --> 00:11:45,672
There's no power assistance,
so it's incredibly heavy
when you're parking,
207
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,776
there's no feel
when you're on the move.
208
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,543
And then,
and this is its party piece,
209
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:56,149
just occasionally,
it'll go violently left
or right for no reason.
210
00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:59,286
Whoa! You see that?
211
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:00,420
Bloody hell.
212
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:08,796
But look at it this way,
we could all probably find
fault with our children,
213
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,464
and yet...
we still love them.
214
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,871
RICHARD:
Jeremy loves Alfa Romeos
215
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,339
because,
back in the old days,
216
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,109
they were great...
but they're not any more.
217
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:26,130
Plenty of things were great.
218
00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:27,547
Greece.
219
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,160
Rolf Harris.
220
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,484
You can't love them now.
221
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:36,890
(GROANS)
222
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,580
Another small problem
with the Alfa
223
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,426
that I didn't mention earlier
224
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,628
is that you get cramp
after five minutes.
225
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,230
(GROANS)
226
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,833
Ooh! Arg!
227
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,835
I'm gonna have to stop
and go for a walk,
228
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,436
and they'll want to know why,
229
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,505
and I'll have to tell them
I need a wee or something.
230
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:53,974
No, diarrhoea.
231
00:12:54,410 --> 00:12:56,409
Sorry, I've got to stop.
I've got to stop.
232
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:59,712
RADIO: I'm just stopping
for a minute here. Hang on.
233
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,248
Why are you stopping
for a minute?
234
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,217
JEREMY: Ohhh! Nothing.
235
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,853
Well,
why are you hopping about?
236
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,688
Look at the snowy mountains.
237
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,457
You are welcome to Morocco.
238
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,660
Ah, merci, monsieur.
Comment ca va?
239
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,195
JAMES: God above.
240
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:18,665
-Have you got cramp?
-No.
241
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,233
Yes, you have.
242
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,170
Right, good.
Well, I've seen the view.
243
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:26,239
I just wanted to see
the view, and it's lovely.
244
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,882
JEREMY: Back on the road,
James suddenly delivered
245
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:38,151
a very un-James-manlike
observation.
246
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,554
My car is seriously quick!
247
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,156
It's not as fast as this.
248
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,325
Yeah, I bet it is.
249
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:51,531
James, this has a
turbocharged 1750cc engine
250
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,330
from a Fiat Punto.
251
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:57,400
Mine's 2L with
a twin-scroll turbocharger.
252
00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:02,142
Have you noticed Hammond
is being strangely quiet
on the subject of speed?
253
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,120
Oh, just listening
to you two bicker.
254
00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:08,115
I am a bit down on power,
if I'm honest.
255
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:14,154
I think Hammond's in a sort of
retirement home for former
distressed sports-car owners.
256
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,693
JEREMY: (RADIO)
Right, next straight bit
of road, James May,
257
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:25,320
I will pull over
and show you
what real speed is.
258
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,401
-Cows.
-(MOOING)
259
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,400
RICHARD: (RADIO)
On a roof rack.
I've never seen that.
260
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:37,277
JEREMY: Soon, we found
a suitable stretch of road...
261
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,800
...and Hammond agreed
to be the starter.
262
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:45,618
-I've got launch control.
-Not interested.
263
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,955
(REVVING)
264
00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:50,757
JEREMY: Are you ready?
Before anyone comes.
265
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,994
RICHARD:
In three, two, one, go!
266
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,601
Well, now,
that's just impossible!
267
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,208
It's the Zenos...
268
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,677
which means James May
has just won a drag race.
269
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,445
(TYRES SQUEALING)
270
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:17,170
JEREMY: But for me, that
wasn't the biggest surprise.
271
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,320
I don't understand
why this lost,
272
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,990
because instead of
a conventional chassis,
273
00:15:23,230 --> 00:15:25,125
it has a carbon-fibre tub,
274
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,894
like you get
in a Formula One car
275
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,997
or a McLaren P1.
276
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:36,669
And a carbon-fibre tub
makes a car...
expensive, but light.
277
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,838
Very light.
278
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,608
(RADIO)
I'm trying to work out
why I lost that race.
279
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,877
I think it's cos your car
isn't as fast as mine.
280
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,179
RICHARD: That was a factor.
281
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,490
Yeah, but mine is so light.
282
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,383
RICHARD:
How do you know it's light?
283
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,418
Every time Alfa say
how much it weighs,
284
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,253
they give a different figure.
285
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,550
JEREMY: Yeah,
that's because they've got
286
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:58,658
better things to do
than go around
weighing cars.
287
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,793
When Picasso had finished
one of his paintings,
288
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,830
he didn't say, "Oh, I wonder
how much that weighs."
289
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,134
You need to know
the weight of an Alfa
for when you resell it,
290
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,736
because you buy scrap cars
by weight.
291
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,806
JEREMY: With the Zenos,
that was built in Norfolk,
292
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,908
so obviously
they're gonna weigh it -
there's nothing else to do.
293
00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,450
This is from Milan.
294
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:22,149
They finished making it,
and then they went into town
with one and pulled girls.
295
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:25,818
JAMES: (RADIO)
It's massive and
it's made of pig iron,
296
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,120
that's the problem.
297
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,122
I can see
the carbon fibre...
298
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:33,260
JEREMY:
The weight argument raged on
for the rest of the journey.
299
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,564
So, that night,
at the hotel,
300
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,466
I came up with a plan.
301
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,690
I'm gonna weigh
all three cars
302
00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:45,872
to prove the Alfa's
the lightest.
303
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:49,176
The problem with your plan
is that you'd need
a weighbridge, and...
304
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,543
-Yes.
-Well, hang on.
305
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,379
-Well, get one.
-No, there isn't one.
306
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,714
I have got the hotel brochure
here, actually,
307
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,617
and, do you know,
it's got three restaurants,
308
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:02,455
a spa, and a gym,
a business centre,
tennis court.
309
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,923
JEREMY: Mm-hm.
-But with one
glaring omission.
310
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,792
-What?
-There's no weighbridge.
311
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,196
-No!
-They haven't thought of that.
I'd knock a star off.
312
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,265
I shall build one.
313
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,102
I shall build a weighbridge,
and then you shall see.
314
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,472
(CHEERING)
315
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,708
-I will build a weighbridge.
-That could have been
316
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:26,913
a really useful
and interesting test,
and you've ruined it.
317
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,981
People are interested in
Alfa Romeos!
318
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,718
People are
interested in murders,
they don't want to see one.
319
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,821
Anyway, anyway, we'll have
more of that later on,
320
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,957
but first, it is now time
for us to engage reverse
321
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:42,229
and park neatly in a marked
space on Conversation Street.
322
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,797
(SMOOTH JAZZ)
323
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,734
(LAUGHTER)
324
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:55,608
Right, now,
which nation on earth
has the worst police cars?
325
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:58,745
Oh, that's some good
conversation.
I like that one.
326
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:01,748
The worst police cars,
it's definitely not the
Americans, is it,
327
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,284
because they have those
Crown Vics, and they're
rearwheel drive V8s.
328
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:08,521
-That's what you need.
-They're good police cars.
Not the Americans.
329
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,991
-Erm...
-It's us. It's the British.
330
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:15,628
Yeah.
We have those dreary little
Vauxhall diesel Astras.
331
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,630
Opels if you live here.
332
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,732
Or, if you're in America,
those miserable little
Chevrolets
333
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,534
that are actually Daewoos.
It's awful.
334
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,270
Most countries
around the world
335
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,672
would traditionally have
always had a police car
that was made there,
336
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,574
one of their own cars.
Wouldn't they?
337
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,376
And the funny thing is,
that's not what they
used to do here.
338
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,410
-In Holland?
-No.
339
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,345
You don't surprise me.
340
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:36,816
What they actually had for
many years, about 30 years,
was Porsches.
341
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,852
-What?
-The police used Porsches,
yeah. Remember? Yeah.
342
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,422
-Do you know, I'd forgotten.
You're right, they did.
-They did.
343
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,491
How did they persuade
the government?
344
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,260
It's masterful.
It's genius.
345
00:18:47,930 --> 00:18:48,628
Absolute respect
to everybody who did it.
346
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,298
What they did was say,
"Right, we need...
347
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,932
Hm. I think we need a Porsche
348
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:56,200
because it's air-cooled and
the engine is at the back,
349
00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,720
and that would be handy
if we have to reverse at
high speed for a long time."
350
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:01,341
They actually said that?
351
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,775
They did.
And this gets better.
352
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,245
And I'm not making this up.
They did say this.
353
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,280
They need a car
where you can remove the roof
354
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:11,384
so you can stand on the seats
to address traffic
in an emergency situation.
355
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,287
So what they need
is a 911 Targa,
356
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,856
and matching sunglasses,
I presume, yes.
357
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,759
Did they also say, "And it
comes with 911 on the back
358
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,628
which is our
telephone number"?
359
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,264
The thing is, it doesn't,
and they're still at it,
360
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,799
because the cycle cops
around here,
361
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,340
and there's a lot of them,
362
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,636
they managed to persuade
the government
363
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,500
that they need
mountain bikes.
364
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:34,707
-What, here?
-In Holland.
365
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,410
It's the flattest country
on earth
366
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,379
and they need mountain bikes!
367
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,581
"Yes, I might see
a mountain." What?!
368
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:43,916
The best thing...
369
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:51,458
The best thing is,
it gives us an opportunity
to have one more look
370
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,610
at a photograph of the
Dutch mountain cop police.
371
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,564
-There they are.
-(LAUGHTER)
372
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,699
-Now, I want to talk about
otters.
-(LAUGHTER)
373
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,468
-What?
-I want to talk about otters.
374
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,636
You see, a few years ago
somebody in Holland
375
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:08,475
worked out that there were
only 185 otters
in the entire country.
376
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,420
Yeah, Jeremy,
it's a car show.
377
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,712
Bear with me, OK, because
I've got the figures here.
378
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:17,550
In 2014,
21 of these otters
were run over.
379
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:22,255
OK? In 2015,
49 were run over.
380
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:25,558
You only have 185 otters
in the whole country,
381
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:30,863
and in two years,
you've flattened 70 of them
under your cars.
382
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:33,333
-What is your problem
with otters?!
-(LAUGHTER)
383
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,668
The thing is that
I don't want people to get
the wrong impression.
384
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,406
I don't want everyone
to think that Dutch people
go around murdering animals.
385
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,773
Let me explain.
386
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,177
Recently, the government here
spent 150,000 euros,
387
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,213
and that's ?150,000,
388
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,282
?160,000, ?170,000...
389
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,500
-That's Brexit for you.
-(LAUGHTER)
390
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:55,655
We can't even afford to put
mayonnaise on our chips now
any more.
391
00:20:55,722 --> 00:21:00,993
Er... Anyway,
they spent 150,000 euros
on a bridge over a road
392
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:02,729
so squirrels
could cross safely.
393
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,398
We've got a picture
of the bridge.
It's a substantial thing.
394
00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,133
You know this bridge?
A famous bridge?
395
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:10,102
-That's a squirrel bridge?
-Yeah, it's a squirrel bridge.
396
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:13,906
Anyway, how many squirrels
do you think have used it?
397
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,809
A squillion.
398
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:19,979
I see where you're going
with that one, James.
No, it isn't.
399
00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:21,147
I've got the figures here.
400
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:24,451
"CCTV footage
has revealed, in 2014,
401
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,553
three squirrels used it.
402
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:30,357
In 2015,
it was used only twice."
403
00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:34,661
Well, why didn't
the third squirrel
use it again in 2015?
404
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:36,929
-It probably got run over.
-Yeah.
405
00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:39,799
By somebody mistaking him
for an otter.
406
00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:41,330
Get it! Get it!
407
00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,360
Now... Er...
408
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:47,507
You've probably read
the other day,
the Dutch are taking a view
409
00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:49,676
on whether to allow
people to...
410
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:50,943
(SIGHS)
411
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,413
How can I put this?
Assisted dying of somebody -
412
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,749
feels as though
their life is complete, OK?
413
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,785
This is something that
occupies me a lot,
414
00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:01,688
I'll be honest with you,
because I sometimes think...
415
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:04,156
"Oh, have I done enough now?"
416
00:22:04,223 --> 00:22:05,858
OTHERS: Yes.
-No.
417
00:22:07,590 --> 00:22:08,395
No, you know, when?
418
00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:10,196
When would it be appropriate
for me to think,
419
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:11,998
"Time to end."
420
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:13,933
OTHERS: Now.
-No.
421
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,137
-May I get on with it?
-Yeah, do. Do it now.
422
00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,973
No, what I want to say is,
OK...
423
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,575
I'll get the forms,
there can't be many.
424
00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:24,210
The time comes... Ssh!
425
00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:27,880
The time, I think, comes
when you stop wanting
to be an idiot.
426
00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:29,649
That's the time
when you've done enough.
427
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:31,684
- I know what you mean.
- No, actually, you are right,
428
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,253
cos I think it's the moment
where you go into
a big department store,
429
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:38,257
and you go into
the kitchenware section,
and you see a tea cosy,
430
00:22:38,324 --> 00:22:39,792
but you don't
put it on your head.
431
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,728
-(LAUGHTER)
-Exactly.
432
00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,764
Not putting things
on your head
is a sign it's time.
433
00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:47,500
And the time you don't want to
put gloves on your ears
434
00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:49,436
and pretend to be a reindeer.
435
00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:51,438
(LAUGHTER)
436
00:22:51,504 --> 00:22:54,441
-I think that's just you,
Hammond.
-It's just me, isn't it?
437
00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:56,443
Here's the moment
I think you know.
438
00:22:56,509 --> 00:22:59,546
You're driving up a motorway.
There's a train track
next to you.
439
00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:02,480
A train comes. It could be
one of those fast ones.
440
00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:05,351
The day when you don't try
and race the train,
441
00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:06,686
that's the day.
442
00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,521
-Yes.
-I have to race the train.
443
00:23:08,588 --> 00:23:10,490
I have to go faster
than the train
444
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,291
so everyone on the train
looks at me and goes,
445
00:23:12,358 --> 00:23:13,960
"I've made the wrong
travel choice.
446
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:16,620
"I should have gone
in the car. It's quicker."
447
00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:19,198
If you're ever on a train and
you look out of the window,
448
00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:22,100
you're overtaking me
and I can't be bothered
to race you,
449
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:26,639
it's because I'm on my way to
the new Dutch death clinic.
450
00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:27,674
And that is the end of
Conversation Street.
451
00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,642
Now, if you have children,
452
00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:32,512
there's every chance
they'll spend every
spare second they have
453
00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,130
playing Zombie Splatter 7 ,
454
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,215
or some other such
computer game,
455
00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:39,118
but what about
more traditional board games?
456
00:23:39,185 --> 00:23:42,622
Kids these days say they're not
interested in such games,
457
00:23:42,689 --> 00:23:46,258
but I believe they would be
if they were bigger
458
00:23:46,325 --> 00:23:48,160
and involved cars.
459
00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:52,899
To prove our point,
460
00:23:52,965 --> 00:23:56,503
we've come here,
to the countryside.
461
00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:00,406
And on the board-game front,
462
00:24:00,507 --> 00:24:02,274
we shall start with
a classic.
463
00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:05,812
A game where two players
try and guess where
each other's ships are,
464
00:24:05,878 --> 00:24:09,480
and then blow them up
by firing missiles at them.
465
00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:10,316
It's a simple game,
466
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:13,319
and, as such, if you want
to play it with cars,
467
00:24:13,385 --> 00:24:14,954
you don't need much.
468
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,526
In fact, all you need
469
00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:22,261
is a massive
former Cold War airfield
470
00:24:22,328 --> 00:24:26,633
with enough tarmac
to accommodate the board
for your board game.
471
00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:31,303
With a big enough slab
of airfield,
472
00:24:31,370 --> 00:24:32,972
you can then lay out
your grid,
473
00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:35,542
onto which you can place
your battleships.
474
00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:37,760
And all you need for that
475
00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:40,246
is several thousand pounds'
worth of old cars.
476
00:24:41,614 --> 00:24:43,616
But not any old cars.
477
00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:45,317
This stretch limo,
for example,
478
00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:49,550
may have seen active service
on hundreds of hen nights,
479
00:24:49,121 --> 00:24:53,920
but it makes
the perfect aircraft carrier.
480
00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:55,610
And then there's
this Toyota Prius.
481
00:24:55,127 --> 00:24:58,640
Its electric engine makes it
perfect as a submarine,
482
00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,632
silent running.
483
00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:03,690
And then there's this
Chrysler PT Cruiser
convertible.
484
00:25:03,135 --> 00:25:05,838
There is no naval equivalent
for this car,
485
00:25:05,905 --> 00:25:07,273
but who cares if
we blow it up?
486
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,576
Because it is,
after all, crap.
487
00:25:09,576 --> 00:25:15,447
And speaking of blowing up,
we now come to the missiles.
488
00:25:15,582 --> 00:25:20,152
For these,
you need a car that is
frightening and lethal.
489
00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:24,657
A car that strikes fear
into other motorists.
490
00:25:24,724 --> 00:25:27,459
And what better car
could there be for this job
491
00:25:27,594 --> 00:25:29,796
than the magnificent G-Wiz?
492
00:25:30,997 --> 00:25:33,432
All I needed now
was an opponent,
493
00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:35,201
a board-game veteran,
494
00:25:35,267 --> 00:25:38,137
a man who thinks
Call Of Duty
495
00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:40,306
is a visit to
the lavatory.
496
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:42,975
That's excellent, Hammond.
You've thought of everything.
497
00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:45,612
I know, I have.
Containers as the fence.
498
00:25:45,645 --> 00:25:47,847
A fireman, in case things
get out of hand.
499
00:25:47,914 --> 00:25:50,683
A health-and-safety bloke to
stop us blowing ourselves up.
500
00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:53,886
Cars that look exactly like
ships. The lot.
501
00:25:53,953 --> 00:25:56,122
But how will you fire
the missiles at the cars?
502
00:25:56,188 --> 00:26:00,660
Well,
that is the real genius
in my plan.
503
00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:02,995
Easy, powerful and proven.
504
00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:05,898
Fire the G-Wiz missiles
with the movie cannon.
505
00:26:05,965 --> 00:26:08,968
-You reckon
that's accurate enough?
-Well, it's a cannon.
506
00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:10,903
But you've got to hit
a specific square.
507
00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:14,707
You aim the cannon.
You adjust the trajectory
and the elevation.
508
00:26:14,774 --> 00:26:17,644
-You can work that out?
-It's a cannon.
509
00:26:17,644 --> 00:26:20,780
To shut James up,
I took one of the spare cars
510
00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:22,949
to demonstrate
a practice shot.
511
00:26:24,283 --> 00:26:25,918
Right, we're all set.
512
00:26:25,985 --> 00:26:28,354
It's fully charged.
Pressure's good. Fire.
513
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:29,689
(METALLIC CLUNK)
514
00:26:38,831 --> 00:26:42,334
JAMES: I had a better idea
for the weapons-launching
system.
515
00:26:56,683 --> 00:26:58,150
So, there you go.
516
00:26:58,217 --> 00:27:00,552
You call out
the grid reference
that you want,
517
00:27:00,687 --> 00:27:03,923
and the driver just
manoeuvres the jib
exactly over that square,
518
00:27:03,990 --> 00:27:05,692
and then drops
the G-Wiz missile.
519
00:27:05,692 --> 00:27:08,327
It is absolutely
unerringly accurate.
520
00:27:08,394 --> 00:27:09,962
I like that.
521
00:27:10,290 --> 00:27:13,733
Unlike everything else
I've done here,
with all this stuff,
522
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,970
this is all things you can do
at home in your garden.
523
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:20,600
RICHARD:
With the giant containers
524
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:25,177
making sure
neither of us could see
what the other was doing,
525
00:27:25,244 --> 00:27:29,415
...James and I moved
our battleships into place.
526
00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:31,350
(BEEPING)
527
00:27:31,417 --> 00:27:35,788
And with the board laid out,
it was time to play.
528
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:39,158
Right, the hen-night limos
each require two hits
to be sunk.
529
00:27:39,225 --> 00:27:43,950
(RADIO) Both the motorhomes,
they each require two hits
to be sunk as well.
530
00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:45,932
And then my Prius
and your PT Cruiser,
531
00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,100
they each require one
to be sunk.
532
00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:50,770
We've got ten G-Wiz missiles
each.
533
00:27:50,837 --> 00:27:52,972
Five hits needed to win.
Got it?
534
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,541
Yes, right.
535
00:27:55,607 --> 00:27:59,245
Having won the toss,
James would be first to fire,
536
00:27:59,311 --> 00:28:02,381
but I had a cunning plan
to thwart him.
537
00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:06,953
What I've done
is put a couple of my ships
right out on the edges,
538
00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:10,456
because James will think,
"Hammond's a bit thick,
539
00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:13,793
and it's a typically
amateurish tactic to put
your ships on the edge,
540
00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:15,127
so that's what
he'll have done."
541
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:17,129
But then he'll think,
"Hang on.
542
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:19,131
Even Hammond's
not that thick.
543
00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:21,333
He just wants me
to think he's thick,
544
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,300
so he'll have put his cars
in the middle."
545
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:26,638
James will then
not go for the edges,
546
00:28:26,773 --> 00:28:28,274
he'll go for the middle.
547
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:31,770
But my ships
will be at the edges.
548
00:28:31,143 --> 00:28:34,680
It's like a... double,
or even a triple bluff.
549
00:28:34,781 --> 00:28:36,348
Now, Hammond is a bit thick,
really,
550
00:28:36,415 --> 00:28:39,418
so I reckon he'll have put his
all around the edges.
551
00:28:41,653 --> 00:28:43,890
D2, please.
552
00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,360
Fire!
553
00:28:54,834 --> 00:28:56,268
(GASPS)
554
00:28:56,335 --> 00:28:57,804
(LAUGHS)
555
00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:02,809
-What was that?
-It was my limo.
556
00:29:02,842 --> 00:29:06,145
Hit on your limo on D2,
thank you. Your shot.
557
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:13,685
Red crane driver,
I'd like C4, please. C4.
558
00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:15,540
(RADIO) Fire!
559
00:29:20,426 --> 00:29:21,727
(SNIGGERS)
560
00:29:21,828 --> 00:29:24,663
(RADIO) That's a miss.
561
00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:27,599
C4, miss.
562
00:29:27,666 --> 00:29:29,168
Back to my original theory.
563
00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:30,569
Hammond will have gone
along the edge,
564
00:29:30,636 --> 00:29:31,838
I'm pretty confident
in that.
565
00:29:31,904 --> 00:29:34,506
So is it there,
or is it there?
566
00:29:34,573 --> 00:29:39,145
(RADIO) Green crane driver,
fire at D1.
567
00:29:39,211 --> 00:29:40,346
Fire!
568
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:45,918
(YELLS)
569
00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:50,622
-Yes!
-You sank my limousine!
570
00:29:50,689 --> 00:29:56,395
One sinking to me,
a miss for Admiral Hammond.
571
00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:59,310
(RADIO) And you've overdone
the explosives.
572
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:03,369
One plan would be,
if you're playing this
at home,
573
00:30:03,435 --> 00:30:06,305
do it on a day when there's
a lot of barbecues in the area.
574
00:30:06,372 --> 00:30:08,374
That way,
people will just think,
"Well, yeah,
575
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,243
it's a big barbecue
they're having next door."
576
00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:14,513
RICHARD:
With my aircraft carrier
gone
577
00:30:14,580 --> 00:30:19,185
and James's fleet unscathed,
I had to break my duck.
578
00:30:19,251 --> 00:30:22,154
I'd like you to hit B2,
please.
579
00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:26,893
Damn!
580
00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:28,360
B2. Well...
581
00:30:28,427 --> 00:30:30,429
Well, there's no...
Where are they?!
582
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:31,797
I've just got a feeling.
583
00:30:31,864 --> 00:30:34,901
B1. B1, please.
584
00:30:40,439 --> 00:30:42,274
(HAMMOND CACKLES)
585
00:30:42,341 --> 00:30:45,477
Red crane driver,
can I have square A1?
586
00:30:47,914 --> 00:30:49,415
(RADIO) Fire!
587
00:30:53,850 --> 00:30:54,653
HAMMOND: Oooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!
588
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,422
Yes! Come on!
589
00:30:56,488 --> 00:30:59,825
Oh, you are on the run!
That is it! Want to give up?
590
00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:02,128
You've sunk my Cruiser.
591
00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:07,330
So that's a big red kill
on A1. Boom!
592
00:31:07,990 --> 00:31:10,360
But James wasn't taking this
lying down.
593
00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:14,440
C3. Fire!
594
00:31:18,410 --> 00:31:19,511
Yes!
595
00:31:19,578 --> 00:31:20,579
You hit my submarine,
596
00:31:20,646 --> 00:31:22,949
my invisible,
silent-running Prius.
597
00:31:22,982 --> 00:31:24,416
(CHUCKLES)
598
00:31:25,284 --> 00:31:27,219
RICHARD: I am losing badly.
599
00:31:27,286 --> 00:31:29,989
I've scored only one hit,
he's scored three.
600
00:31:31,257 --> 00:31:33,325
But then
the game started to turn,
601
00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:36,762
as James had a run
of three straight misses.
602
00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:38,197
JAMES: (RADIO) Fire!
603
00:31:45,371 --> 00:31:46,772
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
604
00:31:46,838 --> 00:31:48,540
It was a miss! Ha-ha!
605
00:31:48,607 --> 00:31:51,100
Thank you.
I'm closing down my options.
606
00:31:51,770 --> 00:31:55,814
It would close your options
down further if you were to
hit rather than miss.
607
00:31:55,881 --> 00:31:59,685
Which was exactly
what I was now doing.
608
00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:00,987
B3, please.
609
00:32:04,490 --> 00:32:06,225
A3, please.
610
00:32:10,529 --> 00:32:11,797
Yes!
611
00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:14,333
You've sunk my battleship.
612
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,568
I am raining down destruction
613
00:32:16,635 --> 00:32:19,171
on your dwindling fleet
of doomed ships.
614
00:32:19,238 --> 00:32:20,672
You loser. Ha-ha!
615
00:32:20,739 --> 00:32:23,509
No, I'm not losing.
We're neck and neck.
616
00:32:24,710 --> 00:32:27,113
Annoyingly,
James was right.
617
00:32:27,179 --> 00:32:29,681
I still had my battleship
Winnebago,
618
00:32:29,748 --> 00:32:32,851
and he still had his
stretched aircraft carrier,
619
00:32:32,918 --> 00:32:36,688
both of which needed
two hits to destroy.
620
00:32:36,755 --> 00:32:38,490
It was May's turn to play.
621
00:32:41,270 --> 00:32:42,394
B2.
622
00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:45,310
RICHARD: Critical stage
of the game now.
623
00:32:45,310 --> 00:32:46,732
A hit now and I'm in trouble.
624
00:32:47,933 --> 00:32:49,335
Fire!
625
00:32:50,536 --> 00:32:51,570
Come on.
626
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,243
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
627
00:32:57,309 --> 00:33:00,579
(GRUNTS) It shouldn't
feel so good, but it does.
628
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,282
Oh.
629
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,354
It's gonna be here.
630
00:33:08,420 --> 00:33:11,523
Red crane,
target C1, please. C1.
631
00:33:13,625 --> 00:33:14,626
(RADIO) Fire!
632
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:20,532
Hard luck, Horatio Hammond.
633
00:33:20,599 --> 00:33:22,901
(GROANS)
634
00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:24,770
All I've got to do now,
635
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,772
get inside
Richard Hammond's mind.
636
00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:30,942
An awful place, admittedly,
but if I can just
get in there for a second,
637
00:33:31,770 --> 00:33:32,744
which way has he put it?
638
00:33:32,811 --> 00:33:35,347
There and there;
there and there;
there and there?
639
00:33:36,648 --> 00:33:38,840
(GROANS)
640
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,255
C2.
641
00:33:48,940 --> 00:33:49,361
Fire!
642
00:33:55,367 --> 00:33:57,569
That'll be a miss.
643
00:33:57,636 --> 00:33:59,638
(CLEARS THROAT)
644
00:33:59,705 --> 00:34:04,476
That, Captain May,
was a miss!
645
00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:07,413
(SIGHS)
646
00:34:07,479 --> 00:34:12,251
However, while James
now had to choose between
just two squares,
647
00:34:12,318 --> 00:34:14,786
I was looking at
a choice of six.
648
00:34:16,155 --> 00:34:19,291
Red crane,
target C2, please. C2.
649
00:34:24,230 --> 00:34:27,133
Red crane, fire!
650
00:34:27,166 --> 00:34:28,700
I meant C3! I meant...
651
00:34:33,572 --> 00:34:34,773
Yes!
652
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,144
Oh, yes! Yes!
653
00:34:38,210 --> 00:34:40,679
(WHISPERS) Bollocks.
654
00:34:40,746 --> 00:34:44,816
RICHARD: That mistaken shot
wasn't just a hit,
655
00:34:44,883 --> 00:34:46,952
it had changed everything.
656
00:34:47,180 --> 00:34:49,788
Because I said C2,
when actually I meant three,
657
00:34:49,855 --> 00:34:51,723
in case it was there,
658
00:34:51,790 --> 00:34:53,225
that's a kill - bang -
659
00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:54,860
which means
it has to be there.
660
00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:57,263
It can't be here or here,
so I've got him.
661
00:34:57,329 --> 00:34:59,298
James, you do know
what that means, don't you?
662
00:34:59,365 --> 00:35:00,932
(RADIO) Yes,
I've just worked it out.
663
00:35:00,999 --> 00:35:03,535
I've got to get this right,
otherwise you've won.
664
00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:07,606
-Do you want to surrender?
-No, I don't!
665
00:35:07,673 --> 00:35:10,509
JAMES: So, I was
now faced with the choice
666
00:35:10,576 --> 00:35:12,744
that would decide the game.
667
00:35:14,180 --> 00:35:17,649
A2 or B3?
668
00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:20,519
A2, B3. What would
Richard Hammond do?
669
00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:24,556
Green-crane driver...
670
00:35:28,694 --> 00:35:29,895
Oh, God.
671
00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,835
Come on, you bewildered
old spaniel - miss.
672
00:35:39,238 --> 00:35:41,440
Right. Fire!
673
00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:57,623
Yes! Yes!
674
00:35:57,689 --> 00:35:58,757
Ha-ha!
675
00:35:58,824 --> 00:36:00,226
(GROANS)
676
00:36:02,228 --> 00:36:04,563
Oh, God!
677
00:36:04,630 --> 00:36:05,797
Ha-ha-ha!
678
00:36:05,864 --> 00:36:06,998
Yes!
679
00:36:07,650 --> 00:36:09,100
(HUMS TUNE)
680
00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,436
Hammond!
681
00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,373
RICHARD: (RADIO)
Best of three?
682
00:36:15,874 --> 00:36:17,809
(CHEERING)
683
00:36:17,876 --> 00:36:20,145
JEREMY: I bet...
684
00:36:20,246 --> 00:36:23,349
I bet the makers
of Sony PlayStation
are quaking in their boots.
685
00:36:23,415 --> 00:36:25,160
Well,
I wouldn't be surprised.
686
00:36:25,830 --> 00:36:27,519
-They will go, "Oh, my..."
-I know. There's the future.
687
00:36:27,586 --> 00:36:30,689
-That was
a total waste of time.
-Well, now, hang on.
688
00:36:30,756 --> 00:36:34,393
No, we destroyed
a PT Cruiser, a Prius
and many G-Wizs.
689
00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,728
Well, that's true, yes.
But James...
690
00:36:36,795 --> 00:36:38,163
James?
691
00:36:38,264 --> 00:36:39,998
(LAUGHTER)
692
00:36:40,650 --> 00:36:45,471
Never mind. Let's move on to
Celebrity Brain Crash.
693
00:36:51,277 --> 00:36:52,978
-(CHEERING)
JEREMY: Yeah. Now...
694
00:36:55,781 --> 00:36:57,516
This week...
695
00:36:57,583 --> 00:37:00,652
This week,
we don't just have one star,
696
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:02,488
we have several.
697
00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:04,356
They're one of
the biggest bands
698
00:37:04,423 --> 00:37:06,392
ever to come out of Holland,
699
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,659
and they're going to
begin here,
700
00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:12,298
in the sixth largest port
in the world...
701
00:37:12,298 --> 00:37:13,799
by performing
their biggest hit,
702
00:37:13,865 --> 00:37:16,368
by which I mean...
their hit.
703
00:37:16,435 --> 00:37:19,137
Ladies and gentlemen,
Golden Earring!
704
00:37:19,204 --> 00:37:21,172
(CHEERING)
705
00:37:21,307 --> 00:37:22,408
RICHARD: And there they are.
706
00:37:22,474 --> 00:37:23,809
I tell you what,
707
00:37:23,875 --> 00:37:25,877
we ought to make the lights go
a bit better.
708
00:37:25,944 --> 00:37:28,847
Can we dim the lights?
That's better.
A bit more rock 'n' roll.
709
00:37:28,914 --> 00:37:30,810
What is their hit?
710
00:37:30,148 --> 00:37:33,218
Well, this is Holland,
birthplace of the speed camera.
711
00:37:33,319 --> 00:37:35,530
It's obvious.
Radar Love.
712
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:36,688
(BAND PLAYS)
713
00:37:39,925 --> 00:37:43,280
d I've been drivin' all night
My hands wet on the wheel d
714
00:37:43,940 --> 00:37:45,300
(ELECTRICAL FIZZING)
715
00:37:49,335 --> 00:37:50,702
RICHARD: Oh...
716
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:51,837
(LAUGHTER)
717
00:37:51,903 --> 00:37:54,840
JEREMY: OK,
ladies and gentlemen, erm...
718
00:37:54,906 --> 00:37:58,344
...there's a cable's gone
into the sea here, and...
719
00:37:58,344 --> 00:38:00,912
...Golden Earring
have been electrocuted.
720
00:38:00,979 --> 00:38:02,514
(LAUGHTER)
721
00:38:02,581 --> 00:38:04,416
Does that mean
they're not coming on, then?
722
00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:07,819
Well, James,
they've been subjected to
a lethal dose of electricity
723
00:38:07,886 --> 00:38:10,822
and are now lying
on the ground, sizzling,
so it's no.
724
00:38:10,889 --> 00:38:12,958
-They're not, no.
-OK, OK.
725
00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,927
That is a very grisly scene.
I apologise for that,
everybody.
726
00:38:15,994 --> 00:38:18,290
Erm... Probably not
as grisly, though,
727
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:21,660
as if you're looking at us
from out there.
728
00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:22,768
-Eh?
-Well, think about it.
729
00:38:24,269 --> 00:38:26,104
-Oh, yeah!
-Yeah.
730
00:38:26,171 --> 00:38:28,907
We are standing in a window
in a Dutch port,
731
00:38:28,974 --> 00:38:30,410
bathed in red light...
732
00:38:30,108 --> 00:38:31,377
(LAUGHTER)
733
00:38:31,443 --> 00:38:33,144
...and we've got no trade
lining up.
734
00:38:33,211 --> 00:38:34,513
-Nobody's here.
-No.
735
00:38:34,580 --> 00:38:36,748
No, I know! I know!
I've had an idea.
736
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,751
I've had an idea
of how we can fill the time
737
00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,253
that would have been taken up
by the late Golden Earring.
738
00:38:42,388 --> 00:38:44,220
You see, the thing is...
739
00:38:44,890 --> 00:38:46,758
Can we make the lights
go white again now?
Pretend that never happened.
740
00:38:46,825 --> 00:38:48,960
Good. See, the thing is that,
in Holland,
741
00:38:49,270 --> 00:38:51,730
there are these motorist
accessory stores, OK?
742
00:38:51,797 --> 00:38:54,165
-Oh, yeah.
-They're open all night.
The place is full.
743
00:38:54,232 --> 00:38:57,503
We went to one last night
and bought a load
of amazing stuff
744
00:38:57,569 --> 00:39:00,138
you can use on the road.
745
00:39:00,205 --> 00:39:02,441
Bring it over here.
Let's show you
a couple of things,
746
00:39:02,508 --> 00:39:03,542
I mean, this,
for example.
747
00:39:03,609 --> 00:39:05,760
It's an incredible
safety device.
748
00:39:05,143 --> 00:39:06,612
-(LAUGHTER)
-Yeah.
749
00:39:06,678 --> 00:39:10,416
This is very clever, because
in a lot of car crashes,
750
00:39:10,416 --> 00:39:12,651
people bite their tongues,
sometimes off.
751
00:39:12,718 --> 00:39:15,487
But by wearing this neat
safety device,
752
00:39:15,554 --> 00:39:16,855
no way is he
biting his tongue.
753
00:39:16,922 --> 00:39:18,790
Look at that!
Perfectly safe.
That is clever.
754
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:20,626
Unbelievable.
And then you can
get traffic cones
755
00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,761
that fit in
the glovebox.
756
00:39:22,828 --> 00:39:24,463
-This is one here.
-(LAUGHTER)
757
00:39:26,310 --> 00:39:28,500
RICHARD: Yeah.
-It's not funny stuff,
this is safety material.
758
00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:32,103
-Another one.
-These are compact, so you
can fit them in your boot.
759
00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:34,706
The thing is, though,
OK, in America,
760
00:39:34,773 --> 00:39:37,543
as I'm sure you know,
there are high-occupancy
vehicle lanes.
761
00:39:37,609 --> 00:39:40,178
Er... You're not allowed
to go in them
762
00:39:40,245 --> 00:39:42,714
unless you've got two
or more people in the car.
763
00:39:42,781 --> 00:39:44,450
We've always been
very worried in Europe
764
00:39:44,450 --> 00:39:46,452
that this idea is
gonna come over here,
765
00:39:46,518 --> 00:39:48,754
but the Dutch
have it covered,
766
00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:51,657
because in these
motorist accessory shops,
767
00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:53,592
you can buy
inflatable people.
768
00:39:53,659 --> 00:39:55,193
-We've got one here.
-(LAUGHTER)
769
00:39:55,260 --> 00:39:57,295
-Very clever, this.
Very clever.
-Isn't it?
770
00:39:57,362 --> 00:40:00,265
The only slight issue is
they do take a lot of effort
to blow up.
771
00:40:00,331 --> 00:40:01,967
It's hard work doing.
772
00:40:02,330 --> 00:40:04,936
It doesn't matter, though,
because here's the thing.
773
00:40:05,300 --> 00:40:07,606
OK, if you arrive
at one of those
774
00:40:07,673 --> 00:40:09,708
high-occupancy
vehicle lanes,
775
00:40:09,775 --> 00:40:11,943
then you pull over
on the hard shoulder -
776
00:40:12,100 --> 00:40:14,480
just pass the Dutchie
on the left-hand side here -
777
00:40:14,546 --> 00:40:16,982
and then use your engine
to blow up
778
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,117
your inflatable person.
779
00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:24,289
So I'm going to do that now,
just to show you how
unbelievably easy this is.
780
00:40:24,355 --> 00:40:25,757
Are we ready?
781
00:40:25,824 --> 00:40:28,126
I'll just er...
put a bit of fuel in there.
782
00:40:28,193 --> 00:40:29,861
And here we go.
783
00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:32,764
Why have you put your fingers
in your ears? It's only a V8.
784
00:40:32,831 --> 00:40:34,365
It's virtually silent.
785
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:36,234
(REVVING)
786
00:40:36,301 --> 00:40:37,736
Here we go.
787
00:40:38,837 --> 00:40:40,906
Behold.
788
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,944
What the...?
789
00:40:46,110 --> 00:40:47,212
(LAUGHTER)
790
00:40:58,289 --> 00:40:59,958
Right, the erm...
791
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:02,327
The inflatable person
has split. There's--
792
00:41:02,528 --> 00:41:04,229
Oh, dear.
793
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:05,697
Mine's all right.
794
00:41:07,198 --> 00:41:10,135
Let's move on, shall we?
Tonight we are in Morocco,
795
00:41:10,201 --> 00:41:15,541
for what was supposed to be
a sensible sports-car test
of my Mazda MX-5
796
00:41:15,574 --> 00:41:19,177
versus Bob Marley's
Norfolk-built Zenos.
797
00:41:19,244 --> 00:41:23,214
Unfortunately,
the ape turned up, uninvited,
798
00:41:23,281 --> 00:41:25,984
in a ridiculously expensive
Alfa Romeo.
799
00:41:26,510 --> 00:41:27,586
Yes, I did.
800
00:41:27,653 --> 00:41:29,220
And when we left the action,
801
00:41:29,287 --> 00:41:32,991
I decided to see which of
the cars was the lightest
802
00:41:33,580 --> 00:41:35,761
by building
some rudimentary scales -
803
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:40,566
a job that these two thought
would be... beyond me.
804
00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:49,775
JEREMY: Despite the cynicism
of my colleagues,
805
00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,811
the next morning,
my scales were ready.
806
00:41:56,948 --> 00:41:58,149
(CREAKING)
807
00:42:03,822 --> 00:42:05,757
-Wow.
-Yeah.
808
00:42:05,824 --> 00:42:10,629
JAMES: Even more startling
was Jeremy's choice
of counterweight.
809
00:42:10,696 --> 00:42:12,497
How are you gonna
get it on there?
810
00:42:12,598 --> 00:42:14,600
-It's gonna jump.
-Oh, yeah,
they're big jumpers, cows.
811
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:15,701
-Look, it wants to.
-He's limbering up,
812
00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:17,603
he's getting ready,
you can tell.
813
00:42:17,603 --> 00:42:20,305
-Up you come.
-It's not gonna jump.
They can't jump.
814
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:22,941
Up you come.
815
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:25,811
On the off chance that
this isn't a jumping cow,
816
00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:28,647
which it might not be,
I think you need a ramp.
817
00:42:28,714 --> 00:42:31,617
You hold that.
I shall go and make a ramp.
818
00:42:31,683 --> 00:42:33,251
-Hello. Hello.
-Hello, nice cow.
819
00:42:33,318 --> 00:42:36,354
Oh, it's bonded with you,
Jeremy. It's bonded.
820
00:42:36,421 --> 00:42:38,857
JEREMY: Soon,
without any help at all,
821
00:42:38,924 --> 00:42:41,760
I had fashioned
a makeshift ramp.
822
00:42:43,862 --> 00:42:44,963
RICHARD:
Very good. Well done.
823
00:42:45,300 --> 00:42:46,865
That was quick and effective.
824
00:42:46,932 --> 00:42:50,101
JEREMY: Unfortunately,
the cow had wandered off,
825
00:42:50,168 --> 00:42:53,438
so I had to draft in
a substitute.
826
00:42:53,504 --> 00:42:55,273
-(CAMEL GRUNTS)
-Go on, camel.
827
00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:56,642
-Come on, camel.
-Come on.
828
00:42:56,642 --> 00:42:58,209
Come on, camel. Come on.
829
00:42:58,276 --> 00:42:59,745
(CLICKING TONGUE)
830
00:42:59,811 --> 00:43:01,647
Come on. Come on.
831
00:43:01,647 --> 00:43:03,782
He's not gonna go on.
832
00:43:03,849 --> 00:43:05,550
Up you come. Come on.
833
00:43:05,651 --> 00:43:07,252
Come on.
Can you push him? Oh, no.
834
00:43:07,318 --> 00:43:10,889
Not really,
cos they kick your balls off
if you do that. Let me...
835
00:43:10,956 --> 00:43:13,759
David Attenborough
has never said that.
836
00:43:13,825 --> 00:43:16,795
JEREMY: Eventually,
I had some success.
837
00:43:16,862 --> 00:43:18,263
This is good.
We are getting there.
838
00:43:18,329 --> 00:43:20,531
We are building up
a big Christmas dinner.
839
00:43:20,666 --> 00:43:24,202
JEREMY: And then
the original cow came back.
840
00:43:24,269 --> 00:43:25,403
(CLICKS TONGUE)
841
00:43:25,470 --> 00:43:27,238
-Come on.
RICHARD: Dr Thinklittle.
842
00:43:27,305 --> 00:43:30,441
JEREMY: Come on. Come on.
RICHARD: My camel's going
over here.
843
00:43:30,508 --> 00:43:31,843
Good cow.
844
00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:36,281
-Tragically, however...
-...it's not enough.
845
00:43:36,347 --> 00:43:38,950
(SIGHS) Could you go
and get another cow?
846
00:43:39,918 --> 00:43:41,753
Come on, small cow.
847
00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:43,421
JEREMY:
He's on. Right, excellent.
848
00:43:43,488 --> 00:43:44,790
-Good, good, good.
-Jeremy?
849
00:43:44,856 --> 00:43:46,257
-Yes?
-This is far...
850
00:43:46,324 --> 00:43:49,194
-Oh, my God!
-I don't want to be here
for this!
851
00:43:49,260 --> 00:43:52,163
I'm on some scales.
Its carrot's come out.
852
00:43:52,230 --> 00:43:54,232
-Are they both boy cows?
-Yeah, they're both boys.
853
00:43:54,299 --> 00:43:57,836
Yeah. Oh, no.
This is quite bad.
854
00:43:57,903 --> 00:43:59,570
-I'm... Yeah.
-I really am alarmed.
855
00:43:59,705 --> 00:44:01,707
I'm stuck on a porn set.
856
00:44:03,341 --> 00:44:05,276
Am I part of this?
Is this a threesome?
857
00:44:05,343 --> 00:44:07,545
He's trod on a turk...
No, he hasn't.
858
00:44:07,612 --> 00:44:11,160
JEREMY:
More importantly, the whole
cast of our porn film
859
00:44:11,820 --> 00:44:14,352
still weighed less
than the Mazda.
860
00:44:14,419 --> 00:44:16,855
Chickens. Hello, chickies.
861
00:44:16,922 --> 00:44:18,489
-It's not enough, is it?
-No.
862
00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:22,293
It doesn't make... Jeremy,
this is complete nonsense.
863
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,262
RICHARD: Cow sex! No!
864
00:44:25,530 --> 00:44:28,990
Come on, we go. On you go.
865
00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:29,901
RICHARD: I'm not convinced
that this isn't...
866
00:44:29,968 --> 00:44:31,770
Oh, the goat's escaped.
867
00:44:31,837 --> 00:44:34,372
RICHARD: At this stage,
we explained to Jeremy
868
00:44:34,439 --> 00:44:38,309
that animals cannot be used
as counterweights.
869
00:44:38,376 --> 00:44:40,450
Right, no,
you may have a point.
870
00:44:40,111 --> 00:44:42,748
I think it's better
if I kill them.
871
00:44:42,814 --> 00:44:45,250
-What?
-Well, if they're dead,
they won't mind.
872
00:44:47,318 --> 00:44:50,756
JEREMY: This plan
made the job much easier.
873
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:53,759
JEREMY: Oh, hello!
874
00:44:53,792 --> 00:44:56,327
My experiment has worked.
875
00:44:56,394 --> 00:44:57,495
Wow! We have a figure.
876
00:44:57,562 --> 00:44:59,898
JAMES: For the record,
it weighs two cows,
877
00:44:59,965 --> 00:45:01,967
two legs of cows -
brackets, rear -
878
00:45:02,330 --> 00:45:03,468
one camel and three goats.
879
00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:05,700
That's incredible!
880
00:45:05,136 --> 00:45:07,338
The most exciting thing
I've ever been involved in.
881
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,777
JEREMY: Having established
the weight of the Mazda,
882
00:45:11,777 --> 00:45:13,945
it was time to do the Zenos.
883
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,784
JEREMY: Hammond, reverse off
down my superb ramp.
884
00:45:20,218 --> 00:45:21,987
-Whoa! It's...
-I'm gonna walk this way.
885
00:45:22,530 --> 00:45:24,289
Why is it doing that? James
counterbalances with you.
886
00:45:24,355 --> 00:45:26,391
-(CRACKING)
JEREMY: Hang on.
That's not gone well.
887
00:45:26,457 --> 00:45:28,326
JAMES: Yeah, it has.
-No, it's moved!
888
00:45:28,393 --> 00:45:29,694
(ALL GROANING)
889
00:45:29,795 --> 00:45:32,663
RICHARD: Oh, this is...
Now the back wheels
have come off!
890
00:45:32,798 --> 00:45:34,800
Somebody get on!
The whole crew!
891
00:45:36,201 --> 00:45:37,635
-What's happened?
-(THUD)
892
00:45:37,702 --> 00:45:39,370
JAMES: Oh, God!
-(REVVING)
893
00:45:39,437 --> 00:45:41,672
JEREMY: No, there's no point
doing that, Hammond.
894
00:45:41,807 --> 00:45:43,809
We need to
think this through.
895
00:45:43,809 --> 00:45:45,243
(CREAKING)
896
00:45:46,845 --> 00:45:48,179
Hang on. I've got an idea.
897
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,615
If you get off there,
this side will go up.
898
00:45:50,681 --> 00:45:53,418
Then you put the ramp
under the back wheels
of the Mazda
899
00:45:53,484 --> 00:45:54,886
when it comes down again.
900
00:45:54,953 --> 00:45:58,456
-So you all need to get off.
-Right, I'm off.
901
00:45:58,523 --> 00:45:59,925
(CREAKING)
902
00:46:01,827 --> 00:46:04,620
Hang on.
Are you going up now?
903
00:46:04,129 --> 00:46:05,663
-I think so.
-No, we need...
904
00:46:05,730 --> 00:46:07,198
I know,
everybody has to go there.
905
00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,100
-On that side. Yeah.
-Everybody, all the crew.
906
00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:13,710
All the chunkier lads,
if you get on that one.
907
00:46:13,138 --> 00:46:15,600
JEREMY: How did we get
into this position?
908
00:46:15,730 --> 00:46:17,208
Somebody pull on the front,
just to tip it.
909
00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,845
JEREMY: And then
we will move this ramp.
910
00:46:19,878 --> 00:46:21,712
Hello? Can we have all of...
911
00:46:21,847 --> 00:46:23,915
-He's down now!
RICHARD: Am I gonna die?
912
00:46:24,850 --> 00:46:27,180
Am I dead? Am I dead?
913
00:46:29,187 --> 00:46:30,856
JEREMY:
Thanks to our fluent French,
914
00:46:30,856 --> 00:46:35,260
we were able to get the
forklift driver to help us.
915
00:46:35,326 --> 00:46:37,162
The Mazda...
916
00:46:37,228 --> 00:46:38,429
Erm...
917
00:46:38,496 --> 00:46:40,398
(ATTEMPTS SPEAKING FRENCH)
918
00:46:42,100 --> 00:46:44,435
JAMES:
Reverse a vous la ramp,
919
00:46:44,502 --> 00:46:47,238
avec introduce la ramp...
Yeah.
920
00:46:48,506 --> 00:46:51,376
JEREMY: Then
the authorities arrived.
921
00:46:51,442 --> 00:46:53,711
-Ah, les animaux?
-Yes, les animaux.
922
00:46:53,778 --> 00:46:55,113
Wait. Erm...
923
00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:57,315
Is it a Probleme?
924
00:46:57,382 --> 00:47:01,386
James, it's not acceptable
in Morocco
925
00:47:01,452 --> 00:47:04,890
to kill animals to establish
the weight of a car, so...
926
00:47:04,923 --> 00:47:06,992
It's not acceptable
in Morocco?
927
00:47:07,580 --> 00:47:09,270
JEREMY: Having established
nothing at all,
928
00:47:09,940 --> 00:47:10,561
we were all ordered
to leave,
929
00:47:10,628 --> 00:47:13,398
which made Hammond
very cheesed off with me.
930
00:47:13,464 --> 00:47:15,466
RICHARD:
You're a bloody idiot!
931
00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:16,902
JEREMY: Funny!
932
00:47:18,436 --> 00:47:20,238
I think he's angry,
isn't he?
933
00:47:20,305 --> 00:47:23,341
And I wasn't in James's
good books, either.
934
00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,344
Clarkson!
935
00:47:26,411 --> 00:47:27,412
What's the matter?
936
00:47:27,478 --> 00:47:30,115
I want the steering wheel
back, you muppet!
937
00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:31,549
-I haven't got it.
-You have!
938
00:47:31,616 --> 00:47:33,985
I haven't. One of those goats
has got it.
939
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:35,954
Goats can't pick things up.
940
00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:46,231
RICHARD: With his wheel
retrieved, we set off.
941
00:47:46,297 --> 00:47:48,799
And soon,
James and I decided
942
00:47:48,934 --> 00:47:51,469
something
needed to be done.
943
00:47:51,536 --> 00:47:53,471
Jeremy, are you there?
944
00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:55,640
Yes, I am.
945
00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,142
Oh, good. Erm...
946
00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:58,743
Look, just...
947
00:47:58,809 --> 00:48:01,112
Er...
Just bear with me, OK?
948
00:48:01,179 --> 00:48:05,416
This isn't really working
as well as we'd hoped
at the moment,
949
00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:09,587
so we think
it would be better
if we went our own way
950
00:48:09,654 --> 00:48:11,256
and you went yours.
951
00:48:13,858 --> 00:48:16,194
Are you in on this, James?
952
00:48:16,261 --> 00:48:20,966
Well, the thing is
that we had conceived
quite an interesting test
953
00:48:20,999 --> 00:48:24,402
between
an everyday sports car
and a hardcore sports car.
954
00:48:24,469 --> 00:48:26,704
And, I mean,
it's not you.
955
00:48:26,771 --> 00:48:29,975
But, I mean, really,
it's the Alfa.
The Alfa doesn't fit.
956
00:48:31,809 --> 00:48:33,811
Right, well, OK. Erm...
957
00:48:33,878 --> 00:48:35,713
I'll leave you two alone.
958
00:48:35,780 --> 00:48:37,348
And I do mean alone,
959
00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:40,986
because... I'm going to take
the film crews with me.
960
00:48:48,759 --> 00:48:49,995
Now that we're alone,
961
00:48:50,610 --> 00:48:53,264
I could prattle on for hours
962
00:48:53,331 --> 00:48:57,200
about what
the Alfa Romeo badge means,
963
00:48:57,350 --> 00:48:59,337
and how,
with its carbon-fibre tub,
964
00:48:59,404 --> 00:49:01,106
this isn't really
a sports car.
965
00:49:01,172 --> 00:49:05,110
It's more a... scaled-down,
cut-price LaFerrari.
966
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,790
But I've had a better idea.
967
00:49:12,650 --> 00:49:16,454
What I did was find
a wonderful piece of road...
968
00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:22,827
...and then shut up,
969
00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:25,596
so the pictures
could do the talking.
970
00:49:31,269 --> 00:49:35,806
d Round,
like a circle in a spiral d
971
00:49:35,873 --> 00:49:38,776
d Like a wheel
within a wheel d
972
00:49:38,843 --> 00:49:43,514
d Like the circles
that you find d
973
00:49:43,581 --> 00:49:51,756
d In the windmills
of your mind d
974
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:55,226
d Like a tunnel
that you follow d
975
00:49:55,293 --> 00:49:59,197
d To a tunnel of its own d
976
00:50:00,298 --> 00:50:03,501
d Down a hollow
to a cavern d
977
00:50:03,568 --> 00:50:08,339
d Where the sun
has never shone d
978
00:50:08,406 --> 00:50:12,770
d Like a door
That keeps revolving d
979
00:50:12,143 --> 00:50:16,947
d In a half-forgotten
dream d
980
00:50:17,140 --> 00:50:18,583
d Or the ripples d
981
00:50:18,649 --> 00:50:24,889
d From a pebble
someone tosses in a stream d
982
00:50:24,955 --> 00:50:28,559
d Like a clock
whose hands are sweeping d
983
00:50:28,626 --> 00:50:33,331
d Past the minutes
of its face d
984
00:50:33,398 --> 00:50:36,701
d And the world
is like an apple d
985
00:50:36,767 --> 00:50:41,406
d Whirling silently
in space d
986
00:50:41,472 --> 00:50:44,775
d Like the circles
that you find d
987
00:50:44,842 --> 00:50:52,583
d In the windmills
of your mind d
988
00:50:56,387 --> 00:50:57,855
That's the thing
about this Alfa -
989
00:50:57,922 --> 00:51:00,925
if you talk about it,
you're gonna criticise it.
990
00:51:00,991 --> 00:51:05,530
If you just look at it...
you're gonna fall in love.
Oh, hello.
991
00:51:07,165 --> 00:51:10,135
Mate! Mate!
Thank God you're here!
992
00:51:11,669 --> 00:51:13,370
JEREMY:
What's the matter with him?
993
00:51:13,138 --> 00:51:14,805
Well, for the first time
in my life,
994
00:51:14,872 --> 00:51:18,443
I'm rather glad you're here,
because...
995
00:51:18,509 --> 00:51:21,110
he thinks he's discovered
an ancient civilisation.
996
00:51:21,146 --> 00:51:22,647
And he got very excited,
997
00:51:22,713 --> 00:51:25,150
and I couldn't say,
"No, Hammond, it's not real."
998
00:51:25,150 --> 00:51:26,517
It's a film set.
999
00:51:26,584 --> 00:51:29,287
That is where they filmed
Asterix And Obelix ,
1000
00:51:29,354 --> 00:51:31,689
and that is where they film
Game Of Thrones .
1001
00:51:31,756 --> 00:51:33,424
Yeah, I know that,
but he thinks it's real.
1002
00:51:33,491 --> 00:51:35,260
He thinks
aliens have come down
1003
00:51:35,326 --> 00:51:38,729
and that everything
that universities in Britain
know about Ancient Egypt,
1004
00:51:38,796 --> 00:51:41,232
Ancient Greece,
Ancient Rome, is all wrong.
1005
00:51:47,370 --> 00:51:49,374
Which feet
last trod these steps?
1006
00:51:50,808 --> 00:51:52,210
Were they even human?
1007
00:51:55,980 --> 00:51:57,915
Maybe they were that big.
1008
00:51:57,982 --> 00:52:00,285
This was actually used in
The Jewel Of The Nile .
1009
00:52:00,351 --> 00:52:01,652
-Was it?
-Yeah.
1010
00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:05,823
Starring Kathleen Turner,
Michael Douglas,
1011
00:52:05,890 --> 00:52:07,825
and, I think, Danny DeVito.
1012
00:52:07,892 --> 00:52:10,561
Hammond probably thinks
that it's a spaceship.
1013
00:52:10,628 --> 00:52:12,663
-That's how they got here.
-(CHUCKLES)
1014
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,203
It's like touching hands...
1015
00:52:18,269 --> 00:52:20,438
...across the millennia.
1016
00:52:22,407 --> 00:52:24,775
These were not
primitive people.
1017
00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:29,514
JEREMY:
While Indiana Hammond
1018
00:52:29,580 --> 00:52:31,916
continued
his deluded ramblings,
1019
00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:33,651
I came up with an idea.
1020
00:52:35,586 --> 00:52:38,889
I tell you what this place
has never been used as.
1021
00:52:38,956 --> 00:52:41,226
-What?
-A racetrack.
1022
00:52:43,794 --> 00:52:45,430
JEREMY:
Having convinced Richard
1023
00:52:45,496 --> 00:52:47,965
we wouldn't anger
the sleeping gods,
1024
00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:52,870
we made a circuit
from the roads running
through the studio lot.
1025
00:52:55,406 --> 00:52:59,760
And then I went off
to get changed.
1026
00:52:59,143 --> 00:53:01,379
Wow! Hammond,
Roger Moore isn't here.
1027
00:53:01,446 --> 00:53:03,448
No, he's not, is he?
What is that?
1028
00:53:03,514 --> 00:53:05,850
It's my Alfa Romeo
racing suit.
1029
00:53:05,916 --> 00:53:07,685
-Is it?
-Yes, it is. Look at that.
1030
00:53:07,752 --> 00:53:09,420
RICHARD: Oh!
JEREMY: Peacock lining.
1031
00:53:09,487 --> 00:53:10,655
RICHARD:
That makes it better.
1032
00:53:10,721 --> 00:53:12,257
It's the Dick
from Del Monte.
1033
00:53:12,323 --> 00:53:14,124
-The Cock from Del Monte.
-(RICHARD LAUGHS)
1034
00:53:14,259 --> 00:53:16,600
The Dick from Del Monte,
he says, "Ra-ra-ra!"
1035
00:53:16,126 --> 00:53:19,129
-In an Alfa Romeo--
JAMES: This is tremendous!
1036
00:53:19,264 --> 00:53:22,990
In an Alfa Romeo...
1037
00:53:22,166 --> 00:53:25,200
...looking good is more
important than looking
where you're going.
1038
00:53:25,690 --> 00:53:26,837
-That's a shame.
-When are you gonna do that?
1039
00:53:29,274 --> 00:53:32,443
JEREMY: It was now time
to get down to business.
1040
00:53:32,510 --> 00:53:35,846
But first, we went out
for some sighting laps.
1041
00:53:37,915 --> 00:53:40,285
JAMES: Whoa!
1042
00:53:40,318 --> 00:53:42,820
It's all skiddy!
1043
00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:45,756
-Oh, this is very narrow.
James did this.
-(TYRES SQUEAL)
1044
00:53:45,823 --> 00:53:49,694
That's only an inch wider
than my car, you stupid man!
1045
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:51,128
But I'm in!
1046
00:53:51,195 --> 00:53:52,863
I'm into ancient Egypt!
1047
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:58,369
Oh, wow! Look at that!
Paintings and everything!
1048
00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:02,840
JAMES: I'm gonna go around
the unconvincing fighter jet.
1049
00:54:05,410 --> 00:54:10,114
JEREMY: Understeering
like mad, that's not good.
I must remember that.
1050
00:54:10,180 --> 00:54:12,683
The problem you have in
the 4C is it's mid-engined,
1051
00:54:12,750 --> 00:54:14,785
which means,
on a surface like this,
1052
00:54:14,852 --> 00:54:16,354
there's no weight
over the front,
1053
00:54:16,421 --> 00:54:18,456
and that means...
no grip.
1054
00:54:20,825 --> 00:54:23,694
RICHARD: Unlike the other two,
this is front-engined,
1055
00:54:23,761 --> 00:54:25,563
so there's less weight
on the back end,
1056
00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,498
which would make
for a livelier back end
1057
00:54:27,565 --> 00:54:30,000
and more time
enjoying oversteer.
1058
00:54:30,670 --> 00:54:32,102
(LAUGHS)
1059
00:54:32,169 --> 00:54:34,339
Oh, I'm gonna spin!
1060
00:54:35,673 --> 00:54:38,709
That's bad!
That's too much oversteer.
1061
00:54:39,844 --> 00:54:41,346
JEREMY:
Game Of Thrones set.
1062
00:54:41,412 --> 00:54:43,481
I mustn't think about
Khaleesi.
1063
00:54:43,548 --> 00:54:46,484
Oh, no! Thinking about
Khaleesi, it's bad!
1064
00:54:46,551 --> 00:54:48,586
Don't think about Khaleesi!
1065
00:54:48,653 --> 00:54:50,355
No!
1066
00:54:51,922 --> 00:54:54,240
Holy crap!
1067
00:54:54,910 --> 00:54:55,426
It's a castle!
1068
00:54:57,862 --> 00:55:00,598
God, no! Nearly hit
a bit of Nazareth then.
1069
00:55:00,665 --> 00:55:02,767
Jesus
would have been displeased.
1070
00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:08,639
JEREMY: Having got to know
1071
00:55:08,706 --> 00:55:10,708
our weird
and demanding track,
1072
00:55:10,775 --> 00:55:13,978
we began the timed laps,
with James going first
1073
00:55:14,440 --> 00:55:17,582
in his lightweight,
powerful Norfolk-mobile.
1074
00:55:19,417 --> 00:55:21,218
Right, are we ready,
James May?
1075
00:55:21,285 --> 00:55:23,788
In three, two, one... Begin!
1076
00:55:32,963 --> 00:55:35,966
Oh, where's the bend?
I don't...
1077
00:55:39,103 --> 00:55:40,405
Oh, balls!
1078
00:55:40,405 --> 00:55:42,272
You know,
what worries me most of all,
1079
00:55:42,407 --> 00:55:47,612
is the poor little man
who's mortgaged his house
to start Zenos.
1080
00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:49,680
And that he's lent it to us
on the television.
1081
00:55:49,747 --> 00:55:52,216
"And which one's driving it?
Which...?"
1082
00:55:52,282 --> 00:55:53,551
"Oh, no."
1083
00:55:56,530 --> 00:55:57,488
Right, now what do I do?
1084
00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:03,628
After my first-corner
cock-up,
1085
00:56:03,694 --> 00:56:06,564
I was on the back foot,
trying to make up time.
1086
00:56:09,967 --> 00:56:11,936
Heading for Nazareth,
I think.
1087
00:56:17,174 --> 00:56:19,900
Whoa!
1088
00:56:19,760 --> 00:56:20,611
All over the place!
1089
00:56:27,518 --> 00:56:29,920
Round and round the thingy.
1090
00:56:31,210 --> 00:56:32,490
Whoa!
1091
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:39,964
Fast, faster. Faster.
1092
00:56:52,777 --> 00:56:58,248
Well...
this only goes up to
999 hours, sadly.
1093
00:56:58,315 --> 00:56:59,550
JAMES: Right.
1094
00:56:59,617 --> 00:57:01,919
But it's OK,
you were just in that time.
1095
00:57:01,986 --> 00:57:02,753
Yeah, mm.
1096
00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:04,221
James,
did you manage to drive
1097
00:57:04,288 --> 00:57:06,624
whilst dragging your face
along the ground?
1098
00:57:06,691 --> 00:57:08,292
A lot of dust comes in.
1099
00:57:08,358 --> 00:57:11,161
-Why don't you wind
the windows up?
-(SNIGGERS)
1100
00:57:11,228 --> 00:57:13,230
You're funny men.
1101
00:57:13,297 --> 00:57:17,100
RICHARD: Next, it was
the turn of John Travolta.
1102
00:57:17,670 --> 00:57:20,605
Never has anybody
looked quite so good...
1103
00:57:20,671 --> 00:57:22,720
...on a timed lap.
1104
00:57:23,508 --> 00:57:24,742
(REVVING)
1105
00:57:24,809 --> 00:57:28,120
In three, two, one... Go!
1106
00:57:34,840 --> 00:57:35,886
Right,
let's make this count.
1107
00:57:40,558 --> 00:57:42,527
-(YELLS) Narrow!
-(TYRES SQUEAL)
1108
00:57:52,690 --> 00:57:53,170
Sideways in linen!
1109
00:58:07,952 --> 00:58:09,186
Game Of Thrones set.
1110
00:58:18,162 --> 00:58:19,797
Understeering...
1111
00:58:20,731 --> 00:58:22,600
Turn! Turn!
1112
00:58:25,936 --> 00:58:28,606
Come on, let's get
that turbocharger singing!
1113
00:58:30,207 --> 00:58:31,942
Kill it now!
1114
00:58:48,659 --> 00:58:49,960
Well, he arrived.
1115
00:58:51,328 --> 00:58:54,298
JAMES: Finally,
Sir John Blashford-Hammond.
1116
00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:56,734
-Ready?
-Yes.
1117
00:58:56,801 --> 00:58:59,690
In three, two, one... Go!
1118
00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:03,774
Right, this is it.
1119
00:59:12,482 --> 00:59:13,751
(GRUNTS)
1120
00:59:22,526 --> 00:59:24,610
I can't afford
a single error.
1121
00:59:40,477 --> 00:59:42,312
Uh-oh! This is a hot lap!
1122
00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:55,492
Here he comes.
1123
00:59:55,559 --> 00:59:57,662
Ooh!
1124
01:00:00,297 --> 01:00:01,832
No!
1125
01:00:01,899 --> 01:00:04,680
And with that,
back to the tent.
1126
01:00:05,636 --> 01:00:08,105
(CHEERING)
1127
01:00:08,172 --> 01:00:10,407
Smashed it.
Smashed it.
1128
01:00:10,474 --> 01:00:12,977
-Hang on a minute.
-What?
1129
01:00:13,430 --> 01:00:16,380
You know that
Windmills Of Your Mind
sequence in the car?
1130
01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:19,149
-Yeah.
-You made the Alfa
look really good in that.
1131
01:00:19,216 --> 01:00:21,185
-Yes.
-What if somebody buys one?
1132
01:00:21,251 --> 01:00:22,820
You don't want that
on your conscience.
1133
01:00:22,887 --> 01:00:25,155
What do you mean?
It was a brilliant... What?
1134
01:00:25,222 --> 01:00:28,893
Anyway, anyway, I have
the results here of the laps.
1135
01:00:28,959 --> 01:00:30,995
And er...
well, in third place,
1136
01:00:31,610 --> 01:00:32,730
you in the Zenos;
second place,
you in the Alfa;
1137
01:00:32,797 --> 01:00:34,899
first place, the winner
was me in the Mazda.
1138
01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:36,366
But it was
a hollow victory,
1139
01:00:36,433 --> 01:00:40,337
because I ruined an
ancient piece of sculpture.
1140
01:00:40,404 --> 01:00:41,571
(LAUGHTER)
1141
01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:43,730
Yes,
but here's the thing, OK?
1142
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:46,376
After the weight test
and the speed test we did,
1143
01:00:46,443 --> 01:00:49,790
we've learned...
1144
01:00:49,146 --> 01:00:50,881
-...nothing.
-Yeah, it's nothing.
Nothing at all.
1145
01:00:50,948 --> 01:00:52,950
Literally nothing at all.
1146
01:00:53,170 --> 01:00:55,190
And on that
terrible disappointment,
1147
01:00:55,850 --> 01:00:56,220
I'm afraid it's time to end.
1148
01:00:56,286 --> 01:00:58,220
Thank you so much
for watching.
1149
01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:00,290
-See you next week. Goodbye.
-Goodbye!
1150
01:01:00,357 --> 01:01:02,292
(CHEERING)
82656
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