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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,039
(ENGINE REVVING)
2
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,110
(TRAIN WHISTLE)
3
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,213
(OCEAN LINER HORN BLOWS)
4
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,786
♫♫
5
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,425
(CHEERING)
6
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,432
Hello, everybody!
7
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,200
Hello. Greetings. Thank you.
8
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,137
Hi, there.
9
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,472
Hello! Hello!
10
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,543
Thank you so much. Thank you.
11
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:18,212
Thank you so much. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
12
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:20,481
And welcome to
The Grand Tour,
13
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,983
which, once again,
is in Whitby.
14
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,352
(CHEERING)
15
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,923
There is actually
a very good reason for that.
16
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:33,594
It is because these two
last week blew up my house,
17
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:36,230
and I literally have
nowhere else to go.
18
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:37,431
-(LAUGHTER)
-RICHARD: Yeah.
19
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:40,000
Plus-- Plus, James May
lost the tent bag.
20
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,469
-Soz.
JEREMY: Yeah, he did.
21
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:44,272
He did do that.
Anyway, erm...
22
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:47,675
we were reminiscing,
as we've been here all week,
23
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:51,345
and we worked out
that Yorkshire
is the only place on earth
24
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:55,082
where all three of us
have had a car crash.
25
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:57,285
-(LAUGHTER)
-So what was yours?
26
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,587
A Triumph 2500 rolled over.
27
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,922
-Yeah. Hammond?
-My first car.
28
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,491
And my second car.
29
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,494
-(LAUGHTER)
-My mum's car, my dad's car,
30
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,196
my third and fourth cars,
31
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,264
my first four motorcycles,
32
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,065
the Radio York radio van,
33
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,468
the Radio Leeds radio car,
34
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,370
and a jet-powered dragster.
35
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,772
-(CHEERING)
JEREMY: Oh, yes.
36
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,342
All of those. Busy.
37
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:24,245
And, erm... And what about
you in Yorkshire?
38
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:27,315
Well, me, I'll tell you.
No, 1977,
39
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,383
when the driving examiner
said to me,
40
00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,752
"Congratulations,
Mr Clarkson, you've passed,"
41
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,722
what I heard was,
"Congratulations,
Mr Clarkson,
42
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,990
you are the best driver
I've ever seen."
43
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,427
- Oh, no.
- 36 hours later -
44
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,029
That's all it was, 36 hours
I'd been on the roads -
45
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,431
stuffed my mother's Audi.
46
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,266
Wheels came off,
killed a sheep.
47
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,100
(LAUGHTER)
48
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:49,237
So, if you're the farmer,
sorry about that.
49
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,405
Er... Anyway, I'm glad
we're still in Yorkshire,
50
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:56,377
because last week we said
there was no real motoring
connection with the county,
51
00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:59,247
and it turns out
that's not true.
52
00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:01,382
I was reading Trip Advisor
last night.
53
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,885
Now, Trip Advisor is a
website for the mealy-mouthed
and the bitter.
54
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,520
Well, hang on.
I mean, it's not entirely--
55
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,122
No, seriously, it's useless
apart from anything else,
56
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:14,262
because you have to know
someone before their opinion
is relevant.
57
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,096
I mean, I know Hammond, OK?
58
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,532
So if he tells me
a restaurant's great,
59
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,335
I know
I don't want to go there,
because it'll be rubbish.
60
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:25,038
You're absolutely right,
actually, because that bloke
in the hat over there,
61
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:28,909
I don't care how many stars
he gives Oxfam Whitby,
I'm not going there.
62
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:31,178
(LAUGHTER)
63
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,513
Exactly. Anyway...
64
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:37,285
I went on Trip Advisor,
OK, and there was
a review of Whitby.
65
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,688
And it said,
and I'm quoting here,
66
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:44,758
"One aspect of Whitby
is the large number
of local chavs..."
67
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,294
(LAUGHTER)
68
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,596
"...who drive around
the town in a circuit
69
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,699
in their
noise-enhanced cars."
70
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,335
Already,
I don't like this person.
71
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,169
"They accelerated
down the narrow streets
72
00:03:56,304 --> 00:04:00,408
and then slowed their engines
down quickly as they
approached a junction,
73
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:03,644
causing explosive-sounding
backfiring."
74
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:04,978
(LAUGHTER)
75
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,447
He sounds like a right knob.
76
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:07,715
Of course he's a right knob,
77
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,117
he's leaving a message
on Trip Advisor.
78
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:13,921
Anyway, the police -
the police, the local
police here -
79
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,490
they've decided
they've had enough of people,
how they put it,
80
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:21,529
"...driving away in a manner
that causes their wheels
to spin and screech."
81
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,531
OK? So they decided
to have a clampdown.
82
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,799
But,
and this is the quote I love,
83
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:29,069
"The operation was curtailed
due to poor weather."
84
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:31,405
(LAUGHTER)
85
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,806
What, are they saying...
86
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,942
They didn't go out
because it was raining?
87
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,945
No, law enforcement
in Whitby is like cricket.
88
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,348
Everybody just goes inside
if it starts to drizzle.
89
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:43,851
So this is... This is
the Whitby Town Police
we are talking about here?
90
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,853
-Yeah, the WTPD.
-Yeah.
91
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,220
(LAUGHTER)
92
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:50,023
No, hang on a minute,
this is North Yorkshire.
It's NYPD.
93
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,492
(LAUGHTER)
94
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,594
RICHARD: Wow!
It actually is!
JEREMY: It's the NYPD!
95
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:56,364
That would be
a brilliant police drama.
96
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,798
(IN YORKSHIRE ACCENT)
"Right, Constable,
97
00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:01,735
I've had the Chief Constable,
he's chewed my arse,
98
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,738
the Mayor's chewed his arse,
now we'll chew your arse."
99
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:05,706
(LAUGHTER)
100
00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,608
"We've got these lads -
well, chavs -
101
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,677
"that are doing,
like, wheel screeches,
102
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:13,981
and you've got 48 hours to
solve it, or I'll have your
badge and your truncheon."
103
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,383
(LAUGHTER)
104
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,819
Anyway,
on our car show tonight...
105
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,789
a tree falls over...
106
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,559
... a hedgehog
makes a noise...
107
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,029
...and a dog eats some meat.
108
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,900
But we begin with Porsche.
109
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:37,137
They offer an immense
and immensely complicated
range of cars
110
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:39,407
all under the 911 banner.
111
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:43,544
Now, Porsche enthusiasts,
by which I mean
these two imbeciles,
112
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:46,113
say that they're all
slightly different.
113
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,548
Completely different.
114
00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:49,182
No, slightly different,
115
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:53,086
and that the best of
the bunch is something
called the GT3 RS.
116
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:57,625
So I thought
I'd take it to our track
to see what it was like.
117
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,428
And let's just hope that,
for once in your life,
118
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,129
you haven't
behaved like a child.
119
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:06,299
-What do you mean?
-Well, just said it's no good
because I've got one.
120
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:11,805
Hammond, I am a professional
motoring journalist,
and coming up...
121
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,442
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
122
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,676
Amongst other things.
123
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:19,179
Coming up now
is my professional review.
124
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:20,614
(LAUGHTER)
125
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,819
This is the car in question.
126
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:30,458
No, wait. Sorry. Hang on.
127
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,359
It's easy to be confused.
128
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,594
This is it.
129
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,833
The hottest, hardest,
130
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,636
tightest 911 of them all...
131
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:45,873
...and the most exotic.
132
00:06:57,485 --> 00:07:01,889
It has the fattest back tyres
I've ever seen on a road car.
133
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,625
It has scaffolding
in the back for stiffness,
134
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:07,260
carbon-fibre body panels
for lightness.
135
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,797
The roof is made
from magnesium,
136
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:12,500
so if you turn it over
and there are sparks,
137
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,835
there will be
a blinding flash of light,
138
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,804
and then you will have
a convertible.
139
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:30,818
Like many people,
I don't really like the idea
of the Porsche 911,
140
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,954
and I certainly don't like
the people who drive them.
141
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:38,692
I find them flawed,
in some dark and
rather disgusting way.
142
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,528
But I will grudgingly admit
143
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:43,597
that even the basic
cooking models are...
144
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,966
extremely lovely to drive.
145
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,034
They're...
146
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,537
They're just very good
sports cars.
147
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,407
But what about this one?
148
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:55,576
Well...
149
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,211
Let's find out.
150
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:07,420
Straight away,
I can tell you the engine...
151
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:09,356
is incredible.
152
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,724
(REVVING)
153
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,160
There's no turbocharging.
154
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:18,098
It's just a four litre
flat-six, but...
155
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,568
you get 500 horsepower.
156
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:25,338
And its red line at 9,000rpm.
157
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,707
(ENGINE REVS)
158
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:33,380
9,000!
159
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,082
That's bike territory.
160
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:41,855
But the best thing is the way
it goes round corners.
161
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,625
Because it's got
four-wheel steering,
162
00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:49,262
and because the engine
is sitting right over
the rear axle,
163
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,666
the grip is just astonishing.
164
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:53,934
(TYRES SCREECH)
165
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:55,102
(LAUGHS)
166
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,107
I've engaged all
the hero buttons down here,
167
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:04,411
turned all the electronic
driver aids off,
168
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,981
and let see
if I can unstick it.
169
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:12,452
In here far too fast
into Swindon Swings.
170
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:15,388
(TYRES SCREECH)
171
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,858
Not "Swings,"
that's something
completely different.
172
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:21,194
But, anyway,
no loss of traction at all.
173
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:27,267
I thought, when I read
the spec sheet on the RS,
174
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:30,638
that Porsche
had tried to make a supercar,
175
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:35,275
a rival for Ferrari
and McLaren and Lamborghini,
but they haven't.
176
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,177
It's still a sports car.
177
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,647
It's still chuckable
and deft.
178
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,885
(TYRES SCREECHING)
179
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:48,288
Whoa! It's very, very good.
180
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,657
Annoyingly.
181
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:59,066
But... is it as good as this,
182
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:02,035
the BMW M4 GTS?
183
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:07,641
Like the Porsche,
it's made from exotic
lightweight materials...
184
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:11,478
and fitted with scaffolding
instead of back seats,
185
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,180
and enormous tyres.
186
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,050
It looks good.
187
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,986
But there are some problems.
188
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,590
When you arrive at a small
speed hump in the Porsche,
189
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:27,060
you raise its nose
electrically and all is well.
190
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,965
But when you arrive at
the same hump in the BMW...
191
00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:36,804
you will need a team of men
to fold away the spoiler
192
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,572
and adjust the ride height.
193
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,308
This takes several hours.
194
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,246
There are some other issues
as well.
195
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:51,852
To give owners the sense
they're driving a racing car,
196
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,855
all of the storage bins
have been removed.
197
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,825
There's no cubbyhole here,
no door pockets.
198
00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,060
That means there's
nowhere to put anything.
199
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:04,297
And I think that,
on a day-to-day basis, that
would drive you a bit mad.
200
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,238
Then there's the ride,
which is extremely bumpy,
201
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:14,908
and the drone from the tyres,
which is horrendous.
202
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,878
(RUMBLING)
203
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,747
After ten minutes
on a motorway,
204
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,214
you will have a headache,
205
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,751
and you won't have any
headache pills with you,
206
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,152
because there was
nowhere to put them.
207
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:30,423
Now, at this point,
I would normally use
the word "however"
208
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,761
and start talking about
the car's good points.
209
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,563
However...
210
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,799
I can't, because...
211
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:41,969
I'm struggling to find any.
212
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:46,039
The engine, for example,
has water injection,
213
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,475
which sounds cool.
214
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,212
But it means
that every third time
you fill the car with fuel,
215
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:55,949
you have to fill
a water tank in the boot.
216
00:11:56,016 --> 00:12:01,955
I don't know, but I'm not
sure this is very hi-tech.
217
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:08,128
And then there's
the steering, which
in comfort mode is horrid,
218
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,298
and in sport setting
is even more horrid.
219
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:15,168
That said,
the steering wheel is nice.
220
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,270
It's good and thick. It's...
221
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:20,974
It's like holding onto
something from
the Ron Jeremy range.
222
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,910
And the seats aren't bad.
223
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,111
But other than that...
224
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:26,947
No.
225
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:29,817
A point that becomes
even more obvious
226
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,352
when you go into battle
against the Porsche.
227
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:41,161
We both have
around 500 horsepower,
228
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:44,097
both have a top speed
of around 190,
229
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,534
but the Porsche
is a lot lighter.
230
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:53,140
Probably because it doesn't
have a tank full of water
in the boot.
231
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,450
Struggling to keep up now.
232
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,888
Here we go, into Swindon.
233
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,890
Oh, "Springs"!
234
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,959
A pampas grass shop.
235
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,494
Oh! We're having...
God, that's nasty.
236
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,299
This is not a car
that responds well
237
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:22,569
to my rather brutal
driving style.
238
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,006
The problem is...
239
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:29,943
it doesn't really respond
very well to delicacy,
either.
240
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:37,885
This competition here now
between these two cars
241
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:41,922
is like a boxing match
between an actual boxer
242
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,257
and someone
who thinks they're a boxer
243
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,493
because they're wearing
satin shorts.
244
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:15,923
How did BMW get
this thing so wrong?
245
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,157
Oh, God!
246
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:23,030
It's twitchy,
it's unpredictable.
247
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,331
And in the rain,
248
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,968
it's somewhere between
spiteful and undrive...
249
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,970
Oh, God! ...undriveable.
250
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:40,547
But, that said, this has to
be the winner of this test
251
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,582
because Richard Hammond...
252
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,452
...has got one of those.
253
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:51,791
(CHEERING)
254
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,160
RICHARD: I called it.
255
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,728
That was annoying.
256
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,664
That was
a professional review.
257
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:58,999
At points.
258
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,467
But you were doing so well,
259
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,269
and then you ruined it
at the end.
260
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,336
What do you mean, ruined it?
261
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,972
By saying you'd have
a worse car
262
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,673
because I haven't got one.
263
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,276
-That Porsche wounded me.
-Wounded you?
264
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,812
It did wound me,
because, you know,
it's got so much grip
265
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:14,247
that you're sort of
forced into the seat?
266
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,083
And the seat's
got stitching on it
267
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,517
which digs a hole
in your back.
268
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,552
I've got a picture
of what it did. Look at this!
269
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,588
-That's my back!
-(AUDIENCE GROANING)
270
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:25,092
JAMES: Oh, I'm amazed
you weren't hospitalised
with that! That's horrific!
271
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,995
-That is a savage wound!
-Mine's never done that
to me.
272
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:31,331
That's cos you're a midget!
You don't reach that
high up the seat.
273
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,866
Or maybe you're a freak
and sit in the wrong place.
274
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,336
It's not just the fact
it wounds you.
275
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,539
Also, the Porsche's
more expensive than the BMW.
276
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:43,010
Yes, but I'd rather spend
£131,000 on the Porsche
277
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:46,813
than £120,000 on a BMW that's
not very good on the road,
278
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,248
not very good on a track,
279
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,183
and no good
at all in the rain.
280
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,684
Yeah, no,
that's fair enough.
281
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,120
-Hold on.
-What?
282
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:55,122
I've got to the bottom of
the problem with the BMW.
283
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,889
It's right here
in the blurb.
284
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,491
"Developed on
the Nürburgring."
285
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,293
(LAUGHTER)
286
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,262
Yeah, and, actually,
speaking of tracks,
287
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:05,465
it's now time
to hand the M4 over
288
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:09,802
to a man who thinks
that sparkling water
is basically communist.
289
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:12,405
Yeah, time to give it
to the American.
290
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,676
There he is.
291
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,945
And he's off! No messing.
292
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,647
Parps from the exhaust
on the upshifts
293
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,250
as he attacks
the Isn't Straight.
294
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,552
I wonder if he actually
knows what he's in.
295
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,054
Driving a BMW.
296
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,290
British Motor Works.
297
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,425
So, that's a no, then.
298
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,594
OK, continuing up the Isn't.
299
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,131
They say it's got more power.
300
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,535
Than what,
my damn toothbrush?
301
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,237
OK.
302
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,207
Right to the end
of the Isn't now,
303
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,841
and into Your Name Here.
304
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,111
Hard on the brakes,
keeping it all in check,
305
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:55,348
and surely he'll appreciate
the turbos punching him
out of the corner.
306
00:16:55,415 --> 00:17:00,420
Turbos on an engine is
God's way of telling you it
ain't got enough cylinders.
307
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:03,156
My mistake.
Right, back up the Isn't.
308
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:05,325
Really winding up
that straight-six.
309
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:08,561
I must admit, from
the outside, it sounds good.
310
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,797
And already
he's turning in hard,
311
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,165
round the Unexploded Bomb,
312
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:15,602
into the narrowness
of Old Lady's House.
313
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:19,272
Yeah, back on the power
for the bumpy bit
towards Sub Station.
314
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,209
Idiotic splitter
in peril over the ruts.
315
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,677
Now working
the ceramic brakes hard
316
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:25,845
for the tight left.
317
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,715
Tickle of power.
There it is.
318
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,418
And left again
into Field Of Sheep.
319
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,654
A whiff of oversteer,
and across the line!
320
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,823
(CHEERING)
321
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,391
It looked tidy.
322
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,826
Yeah, it looked all right.
323
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,194
It looked tidy. Right...
324
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,596
Let's bring up the er...
325
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,565
Let's bring up
the leader board, if we can.
326
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:49,336
Now, there we are.
We've already had
the 911 GT3 RS round.
327
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,338
RICHARD: Wha-- And you're
not gonna show the lap?
328
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,605
Nobody's interested
in watching an American
329
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,508
being sawn in half
by a glorified Beetle.
330
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,610
-(LAUGHTER)
-It did 1:20.4.
331
00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:00,147
Right, so, now let's see
what the M4 did.
332
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:03,383
Let's put the time up.
There it is.
333
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,584
(LAUGHS)
334
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,154
Two seconds slower,
and that's a short track.
335
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,222
That's unbelievable.
That's not good, is it?
336
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:13,193
RICHARD: No.
It's only a second faster
than a Porsche 718.
337
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:15,362
I know.
I mean, I admire BMW
338
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,997
for trying with that car.
I really do.
339
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:20,066
But, my God,
they've made a hash of it.
340
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,335
In fact, I'm trying
to think of a metaphor
341
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:25,838
for someone who's really tried
their hardest with something
342
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,540
and it hasn't worked.
343
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:34,714
No, nothing's coming to mind.
344
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,316
I've got nothing.
I've got nothing.
345
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,484
I've got nothing at all.
346
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,186
So, let's...
Let's move it on.
347
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:43,856
It's time for us to make
a gentle left into
Conversation Street.
348
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,193
(MOODY JAZZ SAXOPHONE)
349
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,527
(LAUGHTER)
350
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,800
OK. Right, I want to begin
with the new Ford GT.
351
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,536
You've got a picture of it
here. Now, this is...
352
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,838
Well, you remember
the last GT they did.
353
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:02,409
That was just an homage,
really, to the old GT40.
354
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,212
This one, they say,
is actually a racing car
on the road.
355
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:08,014
It's got a twin-turbo,
3.5 litre V6,
356
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,882
seven-speed
flappy-paddle box,
357
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,384
more than 600 horsepower.
358
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:15,688
The problem is, though,
I can't think of any
racing car
359
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,057
that works on the road,
really, ever.
360
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,392
No, they don't.
361
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:22,395
I mean, the Nissan GTR:
fabulous, fabulous car.
362
00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:25,665
Track edition: rubbish.
It's undriveable.
363
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,133
You know,
it's a very good point,
364
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,701
because a racing car
on the road
365
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,338
is a bit like trying to play
tennis with a cricket bat.
366
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:32,672
It's technically possible...
367
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,574
Two totally different
disciplines.
368
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,644
The only trouble is,
that looks so good,
I do find myself going...
369
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:38,811
(MOANS)
370
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:42,148
Mm. You erm... You bought
the last GT, didn't you?
371
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,750
Yes.
372
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,985
Thank you for reminding me,
Hammond. Yes, I did.
373
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,520
-Did that go well for you?
-No, it didn't.
374
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,422
-Oh, did it not?
-No, it didn't.
375
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:52,024
The problem was
the insurance company said it
had to have a burglar alarm,
376
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:56,529
which blew usually when
my daughter was doing the
school play and ruined it,
377
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,265
and it had to have a tracker.
378
00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:01,901
And there is nothing
on God's earth more
annoying than a tracker.
379
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,936
But I've got a tracker.
It doesn't bother me
in the slightest.
380
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,072
No, that's because you'll have
a little special place
381
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,140
on your hall table
with a pencil outline.
382
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:11,344
(AS JAMES) "I've got my keys
and must remember
to take my tracker."
383
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,079
Because you're organised
and I'm not.
384
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,715
One for your tracker,
for your keys, one for
your little penknife.
385
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,784
One for some change
in case you need it.
386
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:20,720
-Yeah, with 10ps and 2ps.
-And a tiny screwdriver
for mending your glasses.
387
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,689
-He will. Oh, he will.
-No, I won't.
388
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,557
No, it lives in a--
It just has a little pouch.
389
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:25,725
You just
hang it on the hook.
390
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,560
-Oh, does it?
-You've got a pouch?
391
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,729
He's got a pouch
for his tracker.
392
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,464
-Especially for the tracker?
-(LAUGHTER)
393
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,500
-Well, yeah, because...
-What's it made of?
394
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,035
-Well, leather, I suppose.
-A little leather pouch.
395
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,470
Did you make it yourself?
396
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,272
-No, it came...
-A little leather pouch.
397
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,374
It came with the car,
believe it or not.
398
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,410
Oh, so Ferrari
sold it to you.
399
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,512
Was it £600?
I bet it was.
400
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,347
No, it just
came with the car!
401
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:48,981
I don't think Ferrari
give it away!
402
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,517
The stripes
on your Ferrari, OK?
403
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,184
Two stripes,
a bit like on that Ford.
404
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,687
There are two stripes.
How much did you pay
for those stripes?
405
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,189
Well, they were an option.
They were £6,000.
406
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,691
(LAUGHTER)
407
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:02,329
Look. Listen, this is why
I drive a Golf GTI, OK?
408
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:04,397
Because you
don't need an alarm,
you don't need a tracker,
409
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:08,401
and it's five insurance
groups lower down than
the previous Golf GTI level.
410
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:09,936
-Wow!
-It is!
411
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:12,572
-(LAUGHTER)
-It's because
you can't crash it.
412
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:16,175
-I bet I could.
-(LAUGHTER)
413
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:21,881
Anyway, have you two seen
those new pedestrian traffic
lights in Trafalgar Square?
414
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:25,084
Which, if you're watching
America, is in London,
which is in Britain.
415
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:26,786
Are these... Yes.
416
00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:30,156
These are the ones that have
got the two blokes on them,
isn't it?
417
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:32,024
-James, don't be sexist!
-(LAUGHTER)
418
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,361
-Why is that...?
-No, because what
if you're a lesbian?
419
00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:37,263
-(LAUGHTER)
-Well, you would put
two women on it.
420
00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:39,098
Well, then
what if you're straight?
421
00:21:39,165 --> 00:21:41,701
-A man and a woman?
-But traffic lights
are only this big.
422
00:21:41,768 --> 00:21:43,903
You can't have a man
and a man, a man and a woman,
423
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,606
a man who isn't sure,
and a woman and a woman--
424
00:21:46,673 --> 00:21:50,810
What if... What if you
just want to cross the road?
425
00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:54,146
What... It's like being
in the '70s with you two!
426
00:21:54,213 --> 00:21:58,518
Crossing the road is now
an opportunity for you
to express your sexuality.
427
00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:02,555
It is. That's why they've
come up with these traffic
lights in London.
428
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,023
RICHARD: What are they for?
429
00:22:04,090 --> 00:22:05,892
JEREMY: No, they really have.
They really have.
430
00:22:05,958 --> 00:22:07,927
RICHARD: They're real?
JEREMY: They are for real.
431
00:22:07,994 --> 00:22:10,096
JAMES: What's that one
on the right, then?
432
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,264
Hello! Transgender.
433
00:22:12,399 --> 00:22:13,400
(LAUGHTER)
434
00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,468
What?
So, hang on, only tran...
435
00:22:15,535 --> 00:22:17,404
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
-Yeah.
-What?
436
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:19,539
Transgender traffic lights.
437
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:22,108
JAMES: I didn't know that.
RICHARD: So only...
438
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:25,011
Only transgender people
can cross when that's green?
439
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:26,312
No!
440
00:22:26,413 --> 00:22:28,047
When it goes red,
does that mean
441
00:22:28,114 --> 00:22:29,516
it's not OK
to be transgender?
442
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,551
That's a good point.
443
00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:33,152
I don't know what happens
when it goes red.
444
00:22:33,219 --> 00:22:35,788
No way they're gonna say,
"It's not a..." I don't know.
445
00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:38,425
And what has any of this got
to do with crossing the road?
446
00:22:38,425 --> 00:22:41,694
That's all you want to do.
It's nothing to do with
expressing your sexuality.
447
00:22:41,761 --> 00:22:43,696
It's the wrong time.
I want to cross the road.
448
00:22:43,763 --> 00:22:45,331
All I want to do
at that point
449
00:22:45,432 --> 00:22:47,266
is work out how to go
to the other side.
450
00:22:47,333 --> 00:22:48,901
And by that I don't mean...
451
00:22:50,136 --> 00:22:51,871
No. I don't...
452
00:22:53,139 --> 00:22:54,441
I mean...
453
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,610
...of the road.
454
00:22:57,677 --> 00:22:59,446
Maybe you're right, it is.
455
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:01,781
Right, now,
can I talk about Alfa Romeo?
456
00:23:01,848 --> 00:23:03,315
BOTH: No.
-Why?
457
00:23:03,450 --> 00:23:05,184
Because we have to
introduce our next film.
458
00:23:05,251 --> 00:23:07,954
Now, as we know, in recent
years the world's carmakers
459
00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:10,723
have made great strides
to make more fuel-efficient
460
00:23:10,790 --> 00:23:13,460
and environmentally-friendly
car engines,
461
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:15,161
but very little has been
done to make more
462
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:18,465
environmentally-friendly
car bodies and interiors.
463
00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:21,834
Yeah, by and large,
they are still made
of steel and plastic,
464
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:24,036
and that consumes
a huge amount of energy.
465
00:23:24,103 --> 00:23:28,708
So we had an idea. Are there
more sustainable materials
that could be used instead?
466
00:23:28,775 --> 00:23:32,645
Well, to find out,
each of us bought
a Land Rover Discovery.
467
00:23:32,712 --> 00:23:34,881
We then removed
its metal body
468
00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:39,251
and replaced it
with whatever we thought
was the best solution
469
00:23:39,318 --> 00:23:41,521
for the future of the planet.
470
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,490
(CHORAL SINGING)
471
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,760
JAMES: The meeting point
was in Wales,
472
00:23:47,827 --> 00:23:50,196
and I was the first
to arrive,
473
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:52,499
in a car made from mud.
474
00:23:56,268 --> 00:24:00,306
But, sadly,
before I had the chance to
tell you anything about it,
475
00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:01,674
Hammond arrived.
476
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:09,015
(RICHARD CLEARS THROAT)
477
00:24:09,081 --> 00:24:11,984
Oh, yeah.
Let me talk you through this.
478
00:24:12,051 --> 00:24:15,822
What I've done, I've built
a frame out of hazel,
479
00:24:15,888 --> 00:24:18,558
through which I have weaved
English flowers and shrubs.
480
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:20,292
It's basically a hedgerow.
481
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,529
Better still, it is growing,
because I've planted them
482
00:24:22,529 --> 00:24:25,865
so it's got compost
and soil to provide
the nutrients required
483
00:24:25,932 --> 00:24:28,034
to let my car
flourish and bloom.
484
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:30,870
You don't... You don't wash
this car, you water it.
485
00:24:30,937 --> 00:24:33,573
It's alive.
It's brilliant, isn't it?
486
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,175
-Clematis?
-No, it's cleared up.
487
00:24:36,242 --> 00:24:40,012
-Have you become a hippie?
-No, but I can feel it
starting inside me.
488
00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:41,548
-What have you done?
-Well...
489
00:24:41,614 --> 00:24:43,616
Sadly,
before I could tell him,
490
00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:46,218
Jeremy arrived...
in a snuff movie.
491
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,930
JEREMY: Gentlemen,
I can see what's happened.
RICHARD: Wha...
492
00:24:57,997 --> 00:25:02,769
You're speechless, because
all the words in your head
493
00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:06,573
have been sucked out by
the magnetism of my genius.
494
00:25:06,606 --> 00:25:10,042
A car made from
bone and skin.
495
00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:12,411
JAMES: What bones?
-Animal bones.
496
00:25:12,478 --> 00:25:15,381
Bones are no good for this.
You can't use bones
to make cars.
497
00:25:15,447 --> 00:25:18,985
Why not? When your dog dies,
what do you do now?
You bury it.
498
00:25:19,051 --> 00:25:21,187
-I don't turn her into
a boot lid!
-Why not?
499
00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:23,656
Because I don't want
to see a little face
stretched across--
500
00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:26,593
You don't have the face!
I haven't got a face on it.
501
00:25:26,593 --> 00:25:27,927
It's just the bones.
502
00:25:27,994 --> 00:25:30,329
So as Granny gets older,
does the family sit around
503
00:25:30,396 --> 00:25:32,699
planning a new
little hatchback?
504
00:25:32,765 --> 00:25:34,166
Now, I hadn't
thought of people.
505
00:25:34,233 --> 00:25:36,468
There's not a lot
of dignity in it, is there?
506
00:25:36,603 --> 00:25:38,237
Have you used ears
for wing mirrors?
507
00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:39,672
-Yes.
-You're sick!
508
00:25:39,739 --> 00:25:41,941
Why would you not do that?
They're designed for that.
509
00:25:42,008 --> 00:25:44,443
-No, they're not.
-Well, they are.
510
00:25:44,510 --> 00:25:48,981
-They're not reflective.
-They absorb information and
pass it on to the creature.
511
00:25:49,048 --> 00:25:50,750
-Look at my windscreen.
-What is that?
512
00:25:50,817 --> 00:25:52,885
It's...
the digestive system -
513
00:25:52,952 --> 00:25:55,622
well, part of the digestive
system - of an cow.
514
00:25:55,622 --> 00:25:56,989
RICHARD: What part
of the digestive system?
515
00:25:57,056 --> 00:25:59,125
-JAMES: Its stomach lining.
-Not its stomach lining.
516
00:25:59,191 --> 00:26:00,993
-Well, where? Further back?
-Yes.
517
00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:03,796
Are you staring at the world
through a cow's ring?
518
00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:08,067
It is its anal passage.
519
00:26:08,134 --> 00:26:12,538
But it's stretched so thin
that it's completely
transparent.
520
00:26:12,639 --> 00:26:14,373
Cow's arse, horse's arse.
It's perfect!
521
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:19,211
Come on! It's a lot better
than what you two have done,
which is nothing.
522
00:26:19,278 --> 00:26:21,948
-What's this made out of?
-Have a guess.
-Is it mud?
523
00:26:22,014 --> 00:26:23,650
It's mud. It's a mud car.
524
00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:25,351
-You've got flat tyres.
-No, they're not flat.
525
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,987
They're pumped up
as high as they will go
without exploding.
526
00:26:28,054 --> 00:26:29,956
-How much does it weigh?
-Quite a lot.
527
00:26:30,022 --> 00:26:31,390
-How much?
-Yeah, loads.
528
00:26:31,457 --> 00:26:33,125
How much does it weigh,
James?
529
00:26:33,192 --> 00:26:34,761
-What units would you like?
-Tonnes.
530
00:26:34,827 --> 00:26:36,462
-Five.
-(RICHARD LAUGHS)
531
00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:40,366
-Five tonnes?
Well, that's just idiotic.
-Well, mud is quite heavy.
532
00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:43,670
-This looks safe.
-It's sustainable, is that.
That is growing.
533
00:26:43,703 --> 00:26:47,239
While we've been having
that conversation, this has
extended a little bit.
534
00:26:47,306 --> 00:26:49,408
-It just grows quietly.
-Is it actually a living car?
535
00:26:49,475 --> 00:26:52,912
Everything's planted.
I've put bulbs along here,
ready for spring. Daffodils.
536
00:26:52,979 --> 00:26:55,682
-Not safe, though, is it?
-Yes. Hazel, very strong.
537
00:26:55,715 --> 00:26:59,786
It's not as strong as bone.
Bone is three times stronger
than steel.
538
00:26:59,852 --> 00:27:01,220
-Is it?
-(MESSAGE TONE)
539
00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:04,223
Oh. Sorry, text.
540
00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:05,792
Mr Wilman.
541
00:27:05,858 --> 00:27:09,762
"Having built your cars
from nature, you will now
drive through it,
542
00:27:09,829 --> 00:27:11,263
to the Myarth Hill,
543
00:27:11,330 --> 00:27:14,867
where you will take part in
a green motorsport event."
544
00:27:14,934 --> 00:27:17,704
-What green motorsport event?
-He doesn't say.
545
00:27:17,737 --> 00:27:21,908
A motorsport event
that is presumably
ecological in some way.
546
00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:22,975
OK.
547
00:27:23,042 --> 00:27:24,911
JEREMY: Before setting off,
548
00:27:24,977 --> 00:27:27,613
we consulted a map to see
where we were going.
549
00:27:27,714 --> 00:27:30,116
Right, so that's the UK.
550
00:27:30,182 --> 00:27:32,985
We're here,
and we've got to get to here.
551
00:27:35,087 --> 00:27:38,290
Well... that doesn't look
like too much of a challenge.
552
00:27:39,792 --> 00:27:41,493
With that sorted,
we saddled up
553
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,331
and began
our epic 11-mile journey.
554
00:27:46,632 --> 00:27:47,834
RICHARD: Look at the smoke!
555
00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:49,501
JEREMY: That's ecological.
556
00:27:49,568 --> 00:27:53,339
Greenpeace are gonna be
ringing him up at any moment.
557
00:27:53,405 --> 00:27:55,107
Tremendous.
558
00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:57,777
Smells of nature,
I'm in nature,
559
00:27:57,844 --> 00:28:00,246
I'm made of nature.
560
00:28:00,312 --> 00:28:05,184
It's not quick,
but it gives me more time
to enjoy God's creation,
561
00:28:05,251 --> 00:28:07,987
of which
I am very much a part.
562
00:28:08,054 --> 00:28:10,022
-Oh!
-(LAUGHS)
563
00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:13,359
JEREMY: James!
564
00:28:13,425 --> 00:28:15,227
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
565
00:28:17,329 --> 00:28:21,801
We've done ten seconds,
and James... (LAUGHS)
566
00:28:21,868 --> 00:28:25,905
I may be losing one of my -
I think the correct technical
term is the A-pillar.
567
00:28:25,972 --> 00:28:27,807
Now it's gone completely.
568
00:28:27,874 --> 00:28:29,842
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
569
00:28:29,909 --> 00:28:32,945
JEREMY: Oh, dear!
(LAUGHS)
570
00:28:34,914 --> 00:28:38,384
Surely
he has to admit defeat?
571
00:28:38,450 --> 00:28:40,586
RICHARD: There's not
much car left now.
572
00:28:40,652 --> 00:28:43,522
JEREMY: Oh, dear, James.
573
00:28:43,589 --> 00:28:45,091
I think we can count you out.
574
00:28:45,157 --> 00:28:46,525
-But it doesn't matter.
-What doesn't matter?
575
00:28:46,592 --> 00:28:48,861
Look. You think, "Oh, James's
car's falling apart."
576
00:28:48,928 --> 00:28:52,965
I'm standing in my
spare-parts department.
All of it.
577
00:28:53,032 --> 00:28:54,633
Can be used
to rebuild your car?
578
00:28:54,700 --> 00:28:58,270
-It's right under there, mud.
-So it's as good as new?
-Sort of.
579
00:28:58,337 --> 00:29:01,974
Well, I'm sorry,
but we're gonna set off
and leave you behind.
580
00:29:02,041 --> 00:29:03,509
Well, hang on.
You can't leave me behind
581
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:05,644
because we haven't started.
We're still in the field.
582
00:29:05,711 --> 00:29:06,946
- Oh, yes.
- Good point. OK, well,
583
00:29:07,013 --> 00:29:09,448
we're gonna set off
and go to the pub.
584
00:29:09,515 --> 00:29:11,383
-That's a very good idea.
-While you...
585
00:29:11,450 --> 00:29:14,286
-While you...
-...find some mud.
586
00:29:14,353 --> 00:29:16,823
I've lost my car!
Oh, it's there. It's there.
587
00:29:18,490 --> 00:29:20,359
JEREMY: With Bob The Builder
out of the way,
588
00:29:20,426 --> 00:29:22,561
Richard and I
settled down to appreciate
589
00:29:22,628 --> 00:29:27,266
the planet-saving nature of
our revolutionary eco-cars.
590
00:29:28,734 --> 00:29:30,536
You may be...
591
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:32,038
amused by my bodywork,
592
00:29:32,104 --> 00:29:34,273
or perhaps horrified,
593
00:29:34,340 --> 00:29:39,078
but the fact is that
making steel bodies for cars
594
00:29:39,145 --> 00:29:45,384
produces 120 million tonnes
of carbon dioxide every year.
595
00:29:45,451 --> 00:29:47,854
120 million tonnes!
596
00:29:49,889 --> 00:29:51,891
Carmakers
will sort out clean,
597
00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:54,626
environmentally-friendly
engines. They will.
598
00:29:54,693 --> 00:29:59,231
But in the meantime, I can
tell you that the CO2
produced by this car's engine
599
00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:03,035
is being absorbed
and used by the bodywork.
600
00:30:04,470 --> 00:30:07,573
Plants breathe in
carbon dioxide
and breathe out oxygen.
601
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:10,910
That's what my car's body
is doing right now.
602
00:30:10,977 --> 00:30:12,344
(BLEATING)
603
00:30:12,411 --> 00:30:16,916
Jumpers, Sunday lunch...
spare parts.
604
00:30:16,983 --> 00:30:19,785
You don't need
a foundry or a furnace
605
00:30:19,852 --> 00:30:21,453
to build the body
for this car.
606
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,091
You just need animals
to make love to one another.
607
00:30:25,157 --> 00:30:28,895
That's what this car is
really. It's a sex machine.
608
00:30:30,429 --> 00:30:34,934
Meanwhile, back at base,
James was having a rethink.
609
00:30:35,001 --> 00:30:37,103
I've decided to abandon
my original idea
610
00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:39,605
because it was just
too weak and too floppy,
611
00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:42,975
and instead I'm going to
build a car out of bricks.
612
00:30:43,042 --> 00:30:44,911
The basic materials
for making the bricks
613
00:30:44,977 --> 00:30:47,947
are fresh mud
with a bit of water in it,
614
00:30:48,014 --> 00:30:51,517
er... some straw
to give it strength,
615
00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:53,385
and some sheep poo.
616
00:30:53,452 --> 00:30:55,955
You then use that
to make the brick shape,
617
00:30:56,022 --> 00:30:57,723
and then you fire those
in a kiln.
618
00:30:57,789 --> 00:31:00,259
Then you use the bricks to
build the thing like a house.
619
00:31:00,326 --> 00:31:03,362
Except, of course, it will be
roughly the shape of a car.
620
00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:10,236
JEREMY: Back on the road,
Hammond had called
our eco convoy to a halt.
621
00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:12,704
-What's the matter?
-Shh.
622
00:31:12,771 --> 00:31:13,973
Shush what?
623
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:15,641
There's a bustle
in my hedgerow.
624
00:31:17,143 --> 00:31:19,545
Well, don't be alarmed now.
625
00:31:19,611 --> 00:31:24,450
-It's probably just a...
spring clean.
-What, for the May Queen?
626
00:31:24,516 --> 00:31:27,954
RICHARD: As it turned out,
I'd picked up a passenger.
627
00:31:29,021 --> 00:31:31,023
Hold on. There! Look!
628
00:31:31,090 --> 00:31:32,591
JEREMY:
Oh! It's a hedgehog!
629
00:31:32,658 --> 00:31:34,326
RICHARD: Yeah! He's moved in.
630
00:31:36,295 --> 00:31:38,697
Do hedgehogs have bones?
He could be a door mirror.
631
00:31:38,764 --> 00:31:41,533
He's now a member of
my little community in here.
632
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:43,402
You're not using him
to make a door mirror.
633
00:31:43,469 --> 00:31:45,604
-No, but when he dies--
-He lives here!
634
00:31:45,671 --> 00:31:47,173
Hedgehogs die.
635
00:31:53,679 --> 00:31:55,781
(GRUNTS)
636
00:31:55,847 --> 00:31:57,849
(GRUNTS)
637
00:31:57,984 --> 00:31:59,051
(GRUNTS)
638
00:32:08,594 --> 00:32:11,330
JEREMY: Oh, he's got a mouse
in his little bird box.
639
00:32:11,397 --> 00:32:15,001
And it's got the biggest
testes I've ever seen!
640
00:32:17,569 --> 00:32:20,272
Eventually, Richard and I
arrived at the pub.
641
00:32:22,174 --> 00:32:23,309
(CLATTERING)
642
00:32:23,375 --> 00:32:26,512
(LAUGHS) Oh, hello!
Oh, mate! You fool!
643
00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:29,648
Oh! Oh, look.
644
00:32:29,715 --> 00:32:32,084
Clean break.
That'll never...
You're gonna need pins.
645
00:32:32,151 --> 00:32:35,254
Shut up! Your car's
given me hay fever.
646
00:32:35,321 --> 00:32:36,788
I can't see through my eyes.
647
00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:39,258
Oh, so you crashed your car
because mine's got flowers on
648
00:32:39,325 --> 00:32:43,062
and not because you built
your windscreen out of
a cow's balloon knot?
649
00:32:43,129 --> 00:32:46,265
Let's not get bogged down
with who caused the accident,
cos it was you.
650
00:32:46,332 --> 00:32:48,334
I am now gonna go
and get some spare parts.
651
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,701
Of course you are.
That'll be easy.
652
00:32:49,768 --> 00:32:51,670
Maybe there'll be a nice zoo
in this tiny village.
653
00:32:51,737 --> 00:32:53,405
No, hospital.
Old folks' home.
654
00:32:53,472 --> 00:32:56,042
You could wait--
Just find one of those
old ladies with...
655
00:32:56,108 --> 00:32:57,743
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
656
00:32:57,809 --> 00:32:59,345
JEREMY:
Back at the start point,
657
00:32:59,411 --> 00:33:02,414
the eco-warrior was
ramping up the pace.
658
00:33:22,568 --> 00:33:23,435
Watch that go.
659
00:33:25,637 --> 00:33:27,339
JEREMY:
Meanwhile, back at the pub,
660
00:33:27,406 --> 00:33:30,609
I was repairing
my damaged front end.
661
00:33:30,676 --> 00:33:34,080
Well, annoyingly,
the pork that I bought
662
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:35,714
is sort of triangular
and doesn't look right.
663
00:33:35,781 --> 00:33:38,284
It doesn't really fit,
so I've got a side of beef,
664
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:40,152
which I think will be great.
665
00:33:40,219 --> 00:33:42,488
Now, I'm just erm...
clearing away the old bone.
666
00:33:48,094 --> 00:33:50,329
(DOG SNUFFLING)
667
00:33:50,396 --> 00:33:53,132
No, shoo! Shoo in Welsh.
668
00:33:54,533 --> 00:33:56,302
I'm warning you.
669
00:33:56,368 --> 00:33:59,105
How would you like to be
a petrol filler cap?
670
00:33:59,171 --> 00:34:00,706
(GROWLING AND BARKING)
671
00:34:03,342 --> 00:34:04,510
What do you think?
672
00:34:04,576 --> 00:34:06,278
I actually think it
looks rather stylish,
673
00:34:06,345 --> 00:34:10,216
because it immediately looks
ecological, recyclable,
674
00:34:10,282 --> 00:34:12,318
sustainable -
all those things.
675
00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:15,121
You get a single-skin
brick wall.
676
00:34:15,187 --> 00:34:17,556
It builds up very neatly,
as you can see.
677
00:34:17,623 --> 00:34:20,292
It is exactly the same as
making something out of Lego.
678
00:34:20,359 --> 00:34:22,128
-If you have lots of Lego...
-(CREAKING)
679
00:34:22,194 --> 00:34:23,495
(CLATTERING)
680
00:34:29,601 --> 00:34:31,670
Right.
681
00:34:31,737 --> 00:34:35,874
JEREMY: Clearly,
James was not going to get
his car built that day,
682
00:34:35,941 --> 00:34:40,779
so Richard and I decided to
spend the night at the pub.
683
00:34:40,846 --> 00:34:42,748
How far have we come today?
Just remind me.
684
00:34:42,814 --> 00:34:44,383
We're still in the same
field where we started.
685
00:34:44,450 --> 00:34:46,017
-Well, he is.
-Yes.
686
00:34:46,152 --> 00:34:49,621
-We're in a pub.
- But we have to go back
to the start to start.
687
00:34:51,390 --> 00:34:53,259
-It's not the best start.
-No.
688
00:34:53,325 --> 00:34:55,194
-Erm...
-How do we know?
We haven't started yet.
689
00:34:55,261 --> 00:34:59,565
Precisely, so, actually,
it might yet be a brilliant
start when the start starts.
690
00:35:04,636 --> 00:35:05,671
Ow!
691
00:35:07,173 --> 00:35:08,440
(CHEERING)
692
00:35:11,210 --> 00:35:14,980
His one was useless.
It's his slap-happy attitude
to making things.
693
00:35:15,046 --> 00:35:16,982
Attention to detail.
694
00:35:17,048 --> 00:35:18,350
Thank you very much.
695
00:35:18,417 --> 00:35:22,188
Anyway, now it is time
for Celebrity Brain Crash!
696
00:35:22,221 --> 00:35:23,689
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
697
00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:31,062
Now, last week...
698
00:35:31,197 --> 00:35:32,898
Last week,
as I'm sure you'll remember,
699
00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:37,636
our guest Simon Pegg
sadly fell into
the harbour and drowned.
700
00:35:37,703 --> 00:35:40,639
Er... But there's no danger
of that happening this week,
701
00:35:40,706 --> 00:35:44,376
because our guest is actually
starting in the harbour.
702
00:35:44,443 --> 00:35:47,279
He is one of Britain's
top comedians
703
00:35:47,346 --> 00:35:49,648
and a jet-ski enthusiast.
704
00:35:49,715 --> 00:35:53,752
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jimmy Carr!
705
00:35:53,819 --> 00:35:55,221
(CHEERING)
706
00:35:55,221 --> 00:35:57,223
Here he comes now, look,
on the screen...
707
00:35:57,223 --> 00:35:59,325
and he's looking good!
708
00:35:59,391 --> 00:36:02,328
RICHARD: He is.
What are we going to
ask him when he gets here?
709
00:36:02,394 --> 00:36:05,231
I'm gonna ask him, actually,
about erm...
710
00:36:05,297 --> 00:36:07,333
that story he told me
once when we were on holiday.
711
00:36:07,399 --> 00:36:09,235
RICHARD: No, you can't ask
him about that on air.
712
00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,669
Ofcom, they won't like it.
713
00:36:10,736 --> 00:36:12,571
Why does Ofcom...
We're on the internet.
714
00:36:12,638 --> 00:36:15,307
Yeah, but we're
still broadcast.
You can't tell that story.
715
00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:17,243
(CHEERING)
716
00:36:17,276 --> 00:36:18,944
JAMES:
Whoa! Hang on! Hang on!
717
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:21,380
I don't want to interrupt.
He's come in very hot.
718
00:36:21,447 --> 00:36:24,983
No, what's this boat doing?
Shush, everyone! Shush!
719
00:36:25,050 --> 00:36:26,252
The boat! Stop the...
720
00:36:26,252 --> 00:36:27,753
Oh, for God's sake! The boat!
721
00:36:30,121 --> 00:36:32,258
Oh, my God.
722
00:36:32,258 --> 00:36:33,959
(EXPLOSION, AUDIENCE GASPS)
723
00:36:48,707 --> 00:36:52,744
As you may have noticed,
the audience there applauding
the tragic death...
724
00:36:54,980 --> 00:36:58,284
...of one of Britain's
best-loved comedians,
Jimmy Carr.
725
00:36:59,485 --> 00:37:02,053
Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?
726
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:04,290
Well, James, he's burst
727
00:37:04,323 --> 00:37:07,559
and is now basically chum
on the waters of the harbour,
728
00:37:07,626 --> 00:37:09,528
so that's a no,
he's not coming on.
729
00:37:09,595 --> 00:37:11,530
This is a dis...
It's awkward.
730
00:37:11,597 --> 00:37:14,300
-It's every single week.
-We're getting a reputation.
People are gonna notice.
731
00:37:14,300 --> 00:37:20,205
It's OK, though. I've just
thought of something else
we can do to fill the time.
732
00:37:20,306 --> 00:37:21,540
You... You know what it is.
733
00:37:21,607 --> 00:37:23,775
-You go outside, and you.
-Do I have to do this?
734
00:37:23,842 --> 00:37:25,677
Yes, I'm afraid you do.
Could you go that way?
735
00:37:25,744 --> 00:37:27,679
Go get it. Quickly, quickly.
Run, run, run.
736
00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:29,748
(STAMMERS)
Ladies and gentlemen,
737
00:37:29,815 --> 00:37:33,852
please try not to look at
the hideous bloodstained
water out of the window.
738
00:37:33,919 --> 00:37:35,454
(LAUGHTER)
739
00:37:35,521 --> 00:37:37,323
You see, the thing is...
The thing is
740
00:37:37,323 --> 00:37:40,392
that when immigrants try
to get into the country,
741
00:37:40,459 --> 00:37:42,728
they always come in the back
of a container lorry,
742
00:37:42,794 --> 00:37:46,398
and I always think that is
the world's worst game
of hide-and-seek.
743
00:37:46,465 --> 00:37:49,401
Cos if you work for
Homeland Security...
No, what's it called here?
744
00:37:49,468 --> 00:37:53,472
Border Force? ...Border
Force, you open the doors
and, "Well, there you are."
745
00:37:53,539 --> 00:37:59,345
So I was thinking,
surely there must be a better
way of getting into Britain?
746
00:37:59,345 --> 00:38:02,147
And I think
I've worked it out.
747
00:38:02,348 --> 00:38:05,116
-So, James,
could you bring the car in?
JAMES: Yes.
748
00:38:05,183 --> 00:38:06,518
JEREMY: Yes, good man.
749
00:38:06,585 --> 00:38:07,719
Right, here he comes now,
750
00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:10,489
at his usual top speed
of eight,
751
00:38:10,556 --> 00:38:14,025
in what is
an Audi TT Quattro.
752
00:38:14,092 --> 00:38:17,429
That's perfect. Thank you
so much, James.
If you'd like to step out.
753
00:38:17,496 --> 00:38:21,433
Now, Richard Hammond
is in this car.
754
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:23,168
(LAUGHTER)
755
00:38:23,234 --> 00:38:27,105
And I'm going to give you,
the studio audience,
one hour to find him.
756
00:38:27,172 --> 00:38:29,107
RICHARD: (MUFFLED)
Oh, not an hour!
-(LAUGHTER)
757
00:38:29,174 --> 00:38:32,778
All right, not an hour.
A minute. I'll give you
60 seconds to find him.
758
00:38:32,844 --> 00:38:35,113
Help yourselves, everybody.
See if you can find him.
759
00:38:35,180 --> 00:38:37,449
JAMES: Open the bonnet.
MAN: Look in the ashtray!
760
00:38:37,516 --> 00:38:40,652
JEREMY: Look in the ashtray?
He's small, but he's not
that small.
761
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:43,422
JAMES: Open the boot.
MAN: Inside the seat.
762
00:38:43,489 --> 00:38:44,723
JEREMY: "Inside the seat."
763
00:38:44,790 --> 00:38:46,658
MAN: He's strapped underneath.
He's underneath.
764
00:38:46,725 --> 00:38:48,927
JEREMY: Have a look.
MAN: I'll get down.
765
00:38:48,994 --> 00:38:50,729
JEREMY: If you just
go down there, you can
have a look underneath.
766
00:38:50,796 --> 00:38:52,864
MAN: Has anyone lifted this?
767
00:38:52,931 --> 00:38:55,200
Three, two, one...
768
00:38:55,266 --> 00:38:56,502
No, you've all failed.
769
00:38:56,568 --> 00:38:58,404
You'd be no good
in Immigration.
770
00:38:58,437 --> 00:39:00,038
(LAUGHTER)
771
00:39:00,105 --> 00:39:03,742
Right, go back
to where you were, because,
ladies and gentlemen,
772
00:39:03,809 --> 00:39:06,645
what we are going to do now
is reveal to you
773
00:39:06,712 --> 00:39:10,315
where Richard Hammond
was concealed in this car.
774
00:39:10,416 --> 00:39:12,250
James,
could you give me a hand?
775
00:39:12,317 --> 00:39:14,853
-Certainly.
-Okey-doke.
776
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:16,422
-Hello!
JAMES: There he is.
777
00:39:16,422 --> 00:39:20,058
Hello! I'm in the car. Yeah.
778
00:39:21,259 --> 00:39:23,061
(GRUNTS)
779
00:39:23,128 --> 00:39:24,896
JEREMY: Are you all right?
780
00:39:24,963 --> 00:39:26,798
Yeah. Can I get out now?
781
00:39:26,865 --> 00:39:30,235
The amazing thing is,
it's not just Audi TTs.
782
00:39:30,301 --> 00:39:33,071
Almost any car
has that much space
783
00:39:33,138 --> 00:39:35,441
if you want to do
a spot of people smuggling.
784
00:39:35,474 --> 00:39:37,909
Yeah, it's not that much
space, just to be clear.
785
00:39:37,976 --> 00:39:39,545
Can I get out now?
786
00:39:39,611 --> 00:39:42,648
No, because I've just
thought of something.
787
00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:44,450
No, seriously. James, could
you pop the bumper back on?
788
00:39:44,516 --> 00:39:46,051
-What?
-No, move your feet.
789
00:39:46,117 --> 00:39:48,687
-No, because--
-It's not very nice!
790
00:39:48,754 --> 00:39:51,757
Is it not? Right, so,
pop that back on there.
791
00:39:51,823 --> 00:39:54,359
Now, what we've
got here, I think,
792
00:39:54,460 --> 00:39:57,763
is a really rather
effective parking sensor.
793
00:39:57,829 --> 00:40:01,633
RICHARD: What?
I don't like this!
-I like it. I like it.
794
00:40:01,700 --> 00:40:04,636
You get back in. We'll bring
a car in so that...
795
00:40:04,703 --> 00:40:06,772
Yeah, so you've got
something to reverse up to.
796
00:40:06,838 --> 00:40:08,874
I need to drill some holes
for your eyes.
797
00:40:08,940 --> 00:40:12,410
RICHARD: You bloody don't!
-(LAUGHTER)
798
00:40:12,478 --> 00:40:15,547
Seriously, Hammond,
you won't be able to see
anything unless I do.
799
00:40:15,614 --> 00:40:18,650
-Where are your eyes?
About here?
-At the front of my head!
800
00:40:18,717 --> 00:40:20,786
Right, close them, Hammond.
This...
801
00:40:23,889 --> 00:40:24,890
(ALL GASP)
802
00:40:26,357 --> 00:40:27,659
(LAUGHTER)
803
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:31,963
-Hammond?
-I'm not talking to you!
804
00:40:32,030 --> 00:40:33,865
(LAUGHTER)
805
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,901
Right, I'll do one
for your other eye.
806
00:40:38,203 --> 00:40:40,939
There. Can you see out now?
807
00:40:41,006 --> 00:40:41,940
(LAUGHTER)
808
00:40:42,007 --> 00:40:43,809
Yes, there. Look.
Can you see?
809
00:40:43,875 --> 00:40:47,112
We can see his little eyes.
That's lovely.
If someone holds this.
810
00:40:47,178 --> 00:40:49,815
Right, James, if you'd like
to start reversing,
811
00:40:49,881 --> 00:40:53,284
keeping your ears open for
Hammond's pitiable screams.
812
00:40:53,351 --> 00:40:54,753
JAMES: Roger.
813
00:40:54,820 --> 00:40:57,288
RICHARD: No...
No! No! Just stop!
814
00:40:57,355 --> 00:40:59,057
No! Stop!
815
00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:01,893
JAMES: How far away is that?
JEREMY: About 15 feet.
816
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:03,161
(LAUGHTER)
817
00:41:03,228 --> 00:41:04,395
RICHARD: What?
JAMES: Hammond?
818
00:41:04,530 --> 00:41:06,064
RICHARD: What?
JAMES: We live in London.
819
00:41:06,131 --> 00:41:09,200
-You could build a £4 million
house in that gap.
-(LAUGHTER)
820
00:41:09,267 --> 00:41:11,236
I need to know when
you're half an inch away.
821
00:41:11,302 --> 00:41:14,172
RICHARD: You're not the one
in the bloody bumper!
-(LAUGHTER)
822
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:16,141
-Right, come on, then, James.
-Here we go.
823
00:41:16,207 --> 00:41:18,544
Hammond, you're on silence
till it's dangerous.
824
00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:20,011
(RICHARD WHIMPERS)
825
00:41:21,847 --> 00:41:24,282
(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)
826
00:41:24,349 --> 00:41:26,251
(YELLS) Stop!
827
00:41:27,919 --> 00:41:30,556
That is absolutely brilliant.
828
00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:33,625
That's like
a quarter of an inch.
829
00:41:35,026 --> 00:41:37,195
Look at that.
830
00:41:37,262 --> 00:41:38,263
Cor!
831
00:41:39,731 --> 00:41:42,768
The thing is, parking sensors
are very expensive.
832
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:44,970
You can rent a man
for almost nothing.
833
00:41:45,036 --> 00:41:48,306
Yeah, look, I don't know
how much you pay
to rent a man normally,
834
00:41:48,373 --> 00:41:50,241
but I cost more.
835
00:41:50,308 --> 00:41:52,210
Now, get me out of here,
please.
836
00:41:52,277 --> 00:41:54,980
Well, no, because we've got
to link into the next film.
837
00:41:55,046 --> 00:41:57,448
-(RICHARD SPLUTTERS)
-We can't get you out anyway
838
00:41:57,583 --> 00:41:59,217
because you're too close;
we'll never get the bumper off.
839
00:41:59,284 --> 00:42:02,220
-You're too good
at your job, Hammond.
RICHARD: Oh, God!
840
00:42:02,287 --> 00:42:04,389
That's what's happened.
So we're going back...
841
00:42:04,455 --> 00:42:07,893
Actually, it's part two,
isn't it? What was the film?
842
00:42:07,959 --> 00:42:10,095
It was Italy.
No, that was last week.
843
00:42:10,161 --> 00:42:11,462
(AUDIENCE CALLING OUT)
844
00:42:11,597 --> 00:42:13,599
-Oh, the cars!
RICHARD: Oh, really?
845
00:42:13,665 --> 00:42:17,703
-Oh, the sustainable thing.
-Sustainable cars. So...
-Yes.
846
00:42:17,769 --> 00:42:22,841
RICHARD: (YELLS)
Get on with it!
-(LAUGHTER)
847
00:42:24,442 --> 00:42:26,011
(COCKEREL CROWS)
848
00:42:26,077 --> 00:42:28,614
JEREMY: The following morning
we were up bright and early
849
00:42:28,614 --> 00:42:31,016
so we could get back
to the start line.
850
00:42:31,082 --> 00:42:31,950
(DOG BARKING)
851
00:42:34,319 --> 00:42:36,988
-Not a bad night, actually.
-It was all right.
852
00:42:37,055 --> 00:42:38,156
Oh, hello.
853
00:42:39,658 --> 00:42:41,860
-May?
-(BARKING CONTINUES)
854
00:42:43,094 --> 00:42:44,162
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
855
00:42:44,229 --> 00:42:47,198
Oh! That's dogs and foxes
and things, isn't it?
856
00:42:47,265 --> 00:42:49,701
Dogs have come
and eaten your car. (LAUGHS)
857
00:42:49,768 --> 00:42:51,803
They haven't eaten
it, they've destroyed it,
858
00:42:51,870 --> 00:42:54,706
which means I've got to
put it back together again.
859
00:42:56,241 --> 00:42:59,177
There are some spare parts
up there.
860
00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:01,346
JEREMY: Yeah, I think that
horse is looking very ill.
861
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:02,881
It's got a very grey face.
862
00:43:02,948 --> 00:43:04,650
That's always a sign
of looking ill.
863
00:43:04,716 --> 00:43:06,818
Is your horse ill?
864
00:43:06,885 --> 00:43:08,053
-No.
-No?
865
00:43:08,119 --> 00:43:10,221
-No
-He'll last the day, then?
866
00:43:10,288 --> 00:43:11,322
Yeah.
867
00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:14,292
Damn it.
868
00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:19,865
It took all morning
to repair my car
869
00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:21,767
with stuff from
the butcher's shop,
870
00:43:21,833 --> 00:43:23,434
which meant it was lunchtime
871
00:43:23,501 --> 00:43:25,003
before we were
on our way back
872
00:43:25,070 --> 00:43:27,105
to see how James
was getting on.
873
00:43:29,908 --> 00:43:31,977
Jeremy, what's all that smoke
up ahead there?
874
00:43:33,344 --> 00:43:34,713
JEREMY: What smoke?
875
00:43:34,780 --> 00:43:37,749
That massive ball of smoke
in front of us, up front.
876
00:43:37,816 --> 00:43:39,818
I can't see it.
My hay fever's really bad.
877
00:43:39,885 --> 00:43:42,187
No, you can't see it because
you're trying to looking at it
878
00:43:42,253 --> 00:43:44,856
through a cow's butt hole.
879
00:43:44,923 --> 00:43:47,759
JEREMY: As it turned out,
the smoke was on account
880
00:43:47,826 --> 00:43:53,364
of James having
single-handedly restarted
the Industrial Revolution.
881
00:44:00,605 --> 00:44:01,707
What?
882
00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:03,408
-What are you doing?
-I'm making...
883
00:44:04,609 --> 00:44:06,211
(ENGINE STOPS)
884
00:44:06,277 --> 00:44:12,483
The theory is...
we are reducing our impact
on the environment,
885
00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:13,584
but you've dug it up!
886
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:14,953
It's not where anybody lives.
887
00:44:15,020 --> 00:44:16,722
It's just the countryside.
It's not doing anything.
888
00:44:16,755 --> 00:44:18,223
Is that a coal lorry?
889
00:44:18,289 --> 00:44:22,027
-Yes.
-The least environmental
thing on the entire earth.
890
00:44:22,093 --> 00:44:24,730
It's a lorry delivering coal.
891
00:44:24,796 --> 00:44:27,032
-So?
-Why do you need coal?
892
00:44:27,098 --> 00:44:29,000
-To fire up the kiln.
-What?
893
00:44:29,067 --> 00:44:31,369
The bricks have to be baked.
You can't just--
894
00:44:31,436 --> 00:44:35,440
-Hold on. So you're making
a car out of mud bricks?
-Yes.
895
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:38,944
Are you gonna dig a canal
network to get in and out,
perhaps, with your coal?
896
00:44:39,010 --> 00:44:41,379
-That's quite a good idea.
-It isn't a good idea!
897
00:44:42,948 --> 00:44:45,283
JEREMY: Much
ruined countryside later,
898
00:44:45,350 --> 00:44:48,987
James's new car
was finally ready.
899
00:44:49,054 --> 00:44:51,823
Why are you dressed up
like an American footballer?
900
00:44:51,890 --> 00:44:53,925
Well, it's a prototype,
901
00:44:53,992 --> 00:44:55,994
and I'm a test pilot,
in effect.
902
00:44:56,061 --> 00:44:58,329
Test pilots wear
specialist equipment.
903
00:44:58,396 --> 00:45:00,766
But that looks
perfectly solid to me.
904
00:45:01,767 --> 00:45:03,769
That roof is...
905
00:45:03,802 --> 00:45:06,872
James, even given
the limitations of the
material you've used,
906
00:45:06,938 --> 00:45:08,206
your car looks crap.
907
00:45:08,273 --> 00:45:10,141
But look how it blends in
with the environment.
908
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:11,376
Prince Charles
would love this.
909
00:45:11,442 --> 00:45:12,978
RICHARD: It doesn't blend in
with anything.
910
00:45:13,044 --> 00:45:15,781
There's no environment left -
you've dug it all up.
911
00:45:15,814 --> 00:45:18,649
JEREMY:
Right, can we finally go?
JAMES: Yes, you can.
912
00:45:18,784 --> 00:45:20,218
RICHARD:
11 miles lie ahead.
913
00:45:20,285 --> 00:45:22,320
-(ENGINE STARTS)
JAMES: See you there.
914
00:45:24,956 --> 00:45:27,292
-(LAUGHTER)
-Ow!
915
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,196
(JEREMY GUFFAWS)
916
00:45:33,031 --> 00:45:36,301
JAMES: That is a complete
mystery, to be honest.
917
00:45:36,367 --> 00:45:37,903
It's not.
918
00:45:37,969 --> 00:45:40,471
It had an arched roof,
it had a keystone.
919
00:45:40,538 --> 00:45:42,640
There must be something
wrong with that mortar.
920
00:45:42,707 --> 00:45:46,477
JEREMY: Waiting for James
to mend his bodywork, again,
921
00:45:46,544 --> 00:45:50,148
meant my bodywork
started to go off.
922
00:45:50,215 --> 00:45:51,082
(GROANS)
923
00:45:52,317 --> 00:45:54,485
But, eventually,
he was ready.
924
00:45:59,891 --> 00:46:02,093
It's really rather pleasant.
925
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:05,130
This is like being at home
with the windows open.
926
00:46:05,196 --> 00:46:09,100
Richard, meanwhile,
had added some floral
go-faster stripes,
927
00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:13,371
and I'd opened up
my cow's rectum
to improve the ventilation.
928
00:46:16,274 --> 00:46:18,176
We have had a few problems.
929
00:46:18,243 --> 00:46:21,913
We've only covered, yes,
two miles in two days,
930
00:46:21,980 --> 00:46:24,015
but here we are,
931
00:46:24,082 --> 00:46:26,852
as a threesome, going along.
932
00:46:32,891 --> 00:46:34,125
But then...
933
00:46:34,192 --> 00:46:36,227
It's a river,
and not a small one.
934
00:46:41,099 --> 00:46:43,234
(GROANS) Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
935
00:46:46,872 --> 00:46:49,507
Oh, God.
936
00:46:49,574 --> 00:46:52,577
-Oh, your bricks
have fallen off, mate.
-Your bonnet's fallen off.
937
00:46:52,643 --> 00:46:55,546
JAMES: Perfectly all right.
Redundancy's built into it.
938
00:46:55,613 --> 00:46:57,615
-Is it?
-Yeah.
939
00:46:57,682 --> 00:47:00,051
JEREMY: Since Richard
is the team bumpkin,
940
00:47:00,118 --> 00:47:02,587
we decided
he should go first.
941
00:47:04,489 --> 00:47:07,658
OK, well,
my community of people,
make for higher ground.
942
00:47:07,725 --> 00:47:09,560
Just climb.
943
00:47:09,627 --> 00:47:13,331
Hammond's ark made it
to the other side safely.
944
00:47:13,398 --> 00:47:15,133
Yeah!
945
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,068
And then it was my go.
946
00:47:18,236 --> 00:47:20,438
I'm really deep here.
947
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:21,940
Really, really deep.
948
00:47:22,007 --> 00:47:24,209
Oh, no! Cows leak!
949
00:47:24,275 --> 00:47:26,577
That's a terrible thing
to learn!
950
00:47:28,046 --> 00:47:31,149
However, I, too, made it
with relative ease.
951
00:47:31,216 --> 00:47:33,151
Eat my meat, Hammond!
952
00:47:34,152 --> 00:47:35,921
But then...
953
00:47:35,954 --> 00:47:37,655
Look at this.
954
00:47:37,722 --> 00:47:39,024
Tragic.
955
00:47:39,090 --> 00:47:42,827
An old man driving a low
garden wall into a river.
956
00:47:42,928 --> 00:47:45,997
Let's look on the bright side.
If this doesn't work
as a car,
957
00:47:46,064 --> 00:47:48,099
it will be very effective
as a dam.
958
00:47:52,070 --> 00:47:54,472
JEREMY: He's not doing it
quite as quickly as
you or I did it.
959
00:47:54,539 --> 00:47:56,574
Nor as aggressively,
nor as purposefully.
960
00:47:58,409 --> 00:48:01,412
His car is also riding a lot
lower than ours because
it weighs so much.
961
00:48:01,479 --> 00:48:04,182
I was getting very deep.
It may be leaking slightly.
962
00:48:07,118 --> 00:48:08,419
It's leaking a lot.
963
00:48:10,021 --> 00:48:13,391
Cack.
Chaps, I think I'm beached.
964
00:48:13,458 --> 00:48:16,094
I'm being honest,
there's not a great deal
we can do about it.
965
00:48:16,161 --> 00:48:18,029
You're in the river,
we're here.
966
00:48:18,096 --> 00:48:20,966
(CLEARS THROAT)
Right, if I go right a bit,
967
00:48:20,966 --> 00:48:23,568
I should... clear that...
968
00:48:23,634 --> 00:48:25,603
Oh, yes!
969
00:48:25,670 --> 00:48:28,506
-Oh, the...
-The side's just come off.
-Yeah, that's...
970
00:48:28,573 --> 00:48:31,576
So the mortar's dissolving
and the bricks
are just falling off.
971
00:48:31,642 --> 00:48:33,044
JEREMY: Yes.
972
00:48:35,046 --> 00:48:36,347
That's more gone.
973
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:39,050
Oh, God!
The mortar's dissolving!
974
00:48:39,117 --> 00:48:41,686
He's just transporting
his own cameras along.
975
00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:43,221
That's all he's doing.
976
00:48:43,288 --> 00:48:44,422
Get off!
977
00:48:45,656 --> 00:48:48,159
-Get off!
-(SPLASH)
978
00:48:48,226 --> 00:48:50,561
Little spindly arms
throwing a brick.
979
00:48:50,628 --> 00:48:51,662
(ENGINE REVVING)
980
00:48:52,998 --> 00:48:54,199
Help!
981
00:48:56,367 --> 00:48:58,536
We're gonna have to put him
out of his misery.
982
00:48:58,603 --> 00:49:02,173
JEREMY: We'll just
abandon him.
RICHARD: Do you think?
983
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:03,708
What is the point of him?
984
00:49:03,774 --> 00:49:05,376
James, can you hear me?
985
00:49:05,443 --> 00:49:08,479
We've analysed the situation
and there is literally
986
00:49:08,546 --> 00:49:10,615
nothing we can do to help.
Nothing.
987
00:49:12,317 --> 00:49:14,685
Leaving James
in his dissolving car,
988
00:49:14,752 --> 00:49:18,623
we headed off to make camp
and get supper underway.
989
00:49:20,091 --> 00:49:22,360
Well, apart from your
rather tragic tents,
990
00:49:22,427 --> 00:49:26,164
-this isn't so bad.
-It's all right.
991
00:49:26,231 --> 00:49:27,765
It is amazing, isn't it?
992
00:49:27,832 --> 00:49:31,202
My car, the way it disappears
into that hedge,
993
00:49:31,269 --> 00:49:34,305
it's not just camouflage,
it is hedge.
994
00:49:34,372 --> 00:49:36,141
-It's gone.
-No, it is genuinely...
995
00:49:36,207 --> 00:49:39,710
Actually, I will agree,
yours is remarkable.
996
00:49:41,479 --> 00:49:44,582
Meanwhile, James's car
had shed so much weight
997
00:49:44,649 --> 00:49:47,152
that he was able
to get free...
998
00:49:47,218 --> 00:49:52,423
and start raping
the countryside again
to rebuild it.
999
00:49:52,490 --> 00:49:53,424
Bastards.
1000
00:49:54,625 --> 00:49:55,560
Bastards.
1001
00:49:57,595 --> 00:50:00,365
You know, what's incredible
about this -
1002
00:50:00,431 --> 00:50:03,034
this sustainable living
we're doing -
1003
00:50:03,034 --> 00:50:03,068
this sustainable living
we're doing -
is our barbecue is made
from bricks from James's car,
1004
00:50:03,068 --> 00:50:07,272
is our barbecue is made
from bricks from James's car,
1005
00:50:07,338 --> 00:50:10,575
the kindling and the
vegetables are from your car.
1006
00:50:10,641 --> 00:50:13,744
(GROANS) Are you about
to tell me I'm eating...
1007
00:50:13,811 --> 00:50:15,346
-Back wing.
-(RETCHES)
1008
00:50:18,783 --> 00:50:22,087
-What?
-When you buy a steak,
it says "keep refrigerated".
1009
00:50:22,153 --> 00:50:24,322
It doesn't say, "Stick
to the side of your car,
1010
00:50:24,389 --> 00:50:26,324
leave in the sun,
then drive through a river."
1011
00:50:31,762 --> 00:50:32,630
Whoa!
1012
00:50:45,410 --> 00:50:48,313
James is making
such a racket, isn't he?
1013
00:50:48,379 --> 00:50:50,981
It's worse than last time.
1014
00:50:51,048 --> 00:50:55,019
The difference on this trip,
while he's been
tearing nature apart,
1015
00:50:55,086 --> 00:50:57,488
I've never felt closer to it.
1016
00:50:57,555 --> 00:51:00,725
Well, he's just messing
everything up. He always...
1017
00:51:06,531 --> 00:51:08,233
Holy cow.
1018
00:51:08,299 --> 00:51:10,135
-Hammond.
-What?
1019
00:51:11,702 --> 00:51:12,737
That.
1020
00:51:14,372 --> 00:51:16,307
What are you doing?
1021
00:51:16,374 --> 00:51:18,209
He couldn't see it.
It's a hedge trimmer.
1022
00:51:18,276 --> 00:51:21,512
That's my community,
you rural bastard!
1023
00:51:21,579 --> 00:51:22,880
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
1024
00:51:22,947 --> 00:51:24,782
-Oh, my...
-Oh, God!
1025
00:51:26,884 --> 00:51:28,886
The next morning,
to cheer up Hammond
1026
00:51:28,953 --> 00:51:31,222
following the decimation
of his car
1027
00:51:31,289 --> 00:51:34,192
and his woodland
animal community,
1028
00:51:34,259 --> 00:51:35,626
I made breakfast.
1029
00:51:37,162 --> 00:51:38,796
-Eat it.
-No!
1030
00:51:38,863 --> 00:51:40,998
-Why not?
-Because it's going green!
1031
00:51:41,065 --> 00:51:42,267
It's just a bit of door.
1032
00:51:42,333 --> 00:51:44,535
You can see where the flies
have been on it.
1033
00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:45,570
It's disgusting.
1034
00:51:45,636 --> 00:51:47,605
Hello. Hello!
1035
00:51:47,672 --> 00:51:48,539
What...?
1036
00:51:49,807 --> 00:51:51,742
-It's a dung heap.
-It is a dung heap.
1037
00:51:53,010 --> 00:51:55,313
(JAMES GROANS AND SPLUTTERS)
1038
00:51:55,380 --> 00:51:56,981
-Morning.
-Morning.
1039
00:51:57,047 --> 00:51:58,749
Is this a car? What is it?
1040
00:51:58,816 --> 00:52:03,020
It is a totally sustainable
car made of, effectively,
wattle and daub,
1041
00:52:03,188 --> 00:52:05,022
only the wattle
has been replaced by straw
1042
00:52:05,089 --> 00:52:06,957
and the daub has been
replaced by cow poo,
1043
00:52:07,024 --> 00:52:08,726
but the principle
is the same.
1044
00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:11,329
JEREMY: How the hell
do you fit in it?
-Only just.
1045
00:52:11,396 --> 00:52:13,831
-Where's your windscreen?
-There.
1046
00:52:13,898 --> 00:52:14,765
Hang on.
1047
00:52:16,267 --> 00:52:18,603
Can we just test
your blind spots, James?
1048
00:52:18,669 --> 00:52:20,805
Can you see either of us now?
1049
00:52:22,039 --> 00:52:23,508
-No.
-(LAUGHS)
1050
00:52:23,574 --> 00:52:26,311
Heavily pedestrianised areas
should be avoided.
1051
00:52:29,046 --> 00:52:32,217
-Right, come on. We've just
got two miles to go.
-Yes.
1052
00:52:33,284 --> 00:52:34,452
-Jesus Christ!
-(FLIES BUZZING)
1053
00:52:34,519 --> 00:52:36,120
-The smell!
-(GROANS)
1054
00:52:36,221 --> 00:52:39,890
-What's that?
-It breaks my heart, but
it's a small gift for you.
1055
00:52:39,957 --> 00:52:44,128
-Is it? Mate!
-Yes, from me and my
woodland community.
1056
00:52:44,229 --> 00:52:45,463
Oh!
1057
00:52:45,530 --> 00:52:48,132
-It's a dead bat!
-Yeah, it is.
1058
00:52:48,233 --> 00:52:50,901
-Bats have sonar, don't they?
-Yeah.
1059
00:52:50,968 --> 00:52:54,038
So I could use it as a
reversing parking sensor.
1060
00:52:54,104 --> 00:52:56,674
Yeah, I don't think it works
once the bat is dead.
1061
00:52:59,444 --> 00:53:01,546
And so,
with all of us running...
1062
00:53:01,612 --> 00:53:03,781
(JEREMY MIMICS
REVERSING BEEP)
1063
00:53:05,583 --> 00:53:08,052
My reversing bat
is working well.
1064
00:53:08,118 --> 00:53:12,490
...we began
the final two-mile leg
of our epic journey.
1065
00:53:13,991 --> 00:53:15,560
JAMES: Oh, balls!
1066
00:53:15,626 --> 00:53:19,264
There are some issues
associated with
environmentalism,
1067
00:53:19,264 --> 00:53:21,832
and we're seeing
one of them right now.
1068
00:53:21,899 --> 00:53:23,268
(LAUGHTER)
1069
00:53:27,672 --> 00:53:31,276
-Am I anywhere near the gate?
-Oh, God!
1070
00:53:34,279 --> 00:53:39,317
James attempted to tie
his car back together
using a ball of string...
1071
00:53:39,384 --> 00:53:40,751
which went well.
1072
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:44,589
RICHARD: It's going...
1073
00:53:44,655 --> 00:53:46,291
(LAUGHTER)
1074
00:53:46,357 --> 00:53:49,294
RICHARD: Oh, that's gonna
confuse him now!
1075
00:53:49,294 --> 00:53:52,630
Why'd they make it in a ball
shape? What a stupid idea!
1076
00:53:54,299 --> 00:53:57,602
But eventually it was done
and we were on our way.
1077
00:53:59,704 --> 00:54:02,507
James,
how much does it weigh now?
1078
00:54:02,573 --> 00:54:06,877
I'm gonna say the weight
has gone down a bit. I think
I'm down to three tonnes.
1079
00:54:06,944 --> 00:54:09,013
So you still need
an HGV licence?
1080
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:12,317
JAMES:
But it's not a type of car
known to the DVLA.
1081
00:54:14,785 --> 00:54:17,555
Mind you,
I had even bigger problems.
1082
00:54:17,622 --> 00:54:20,725
My car was starting
to smell really bad.
1083
00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:23,628
One of the sound recordists
1084
00:54:23,694 --> 00:54:25,496
just came to fiddle
with my microphone,
1085
00:54:25,563 --> 00:54:27,031
and actually was sick.
1086
00:54:28,633 --> 00:54:32,470
Eventually, though, our
destination hoved into view.
1087
00:54:34,805 --> 00:54:37,542
RICHARD: After
three days gruelling travel
1088
00:54:37,608 --> 00:54:40,345
over 11 miles, we're here.
1089
00:54:41,946 --> 00:54:43,814
This must be it.
1090
00:54:43,881 --> 00:54:48,018
It was the Inaugural
Sustainable Living
Motorsport Challenge
1091
00:54:48,085 --> 00:54:51,789
on a track carved out of
nature itself.
1092
00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:54,759
-(MESSAGE ALERT)
JEREMY: Oh, hang on.
1093
00:54:56,361 --> 00:54:58,228
-A text message.
-What?
1094
00:54:58,363 --> 00:54:59,630
I've got a text
here from Mr Wilman,
1095
00:54:59,697 --> 00:55:01,599
with the instructions
of what we're doing.
1096
00:55:01,666 --> 00:55:05,736
"Whoever does the most laps
in one hour wins."
1097
00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:07,672
Oh, well, James,
that's not gonna be you.
1098
00:55:07,738 --> 00:55:10,508
-Well, you don't know.
-No, I do know
it's not gonna be you.
1099
00:55:10,575 --> 00:55:12,910
Oh, no, wait. Hang on.
"You will be racing against
1100
00:55:12,977 --> 00:55:15,746
three old-fashioned
steel cars."
1101
00:55:16,847 --> 00:55:18,949
-Hang on. Yes, those.
-Hello.
1102
00:55:20,385 --> 00:55:22,620
JEREMY: Oh, there they are.
JAMES: How quaint.
1103
00:55:22,687 --> 00:55:24,722
JEREMY: No, they don't look
quaint. They look ridiculous.
1104
00:55:24,789 --> 00:55:26,691
It's funny, that's
the nature of progress.
1105
00:55:26,757 --> 00:55:29,059
-Suddenly, they look stupid.
JEREMY: They do.
1106
00:55:30,961 --> 00:55:35,433
The museum pieces were being
driven by three local yobbos.
1107
00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:36,934
(ENGINES REVVING)
1108
00:55:37,001 --> 00:55:38,403
Right, this is it.
1109
00:55:38,436 --> 00:55:42,473
The MeaTI, the TreeTI
and the PeaTI are ready.
1110
00:55:48,078 --> 00:55:51,181
Oh, what a start!
It's a good start.
1111
00:55:51,248 --> 00:55:53,283
Yes, we're blocking! (LAUGHS)
1112
00:55:53,418 --> 00:55:57,054
Oh, they've gone!
They've gone!
I couldn't see the flag.
1113
00:55:59,023 --> 00:56:02,427
Yes, there are some hay
bales. I'll follow those.
1114
00:56:02,427 --> 00:56:05,029
Where the hell does it go
next?
1115
00:56:05,095 --> 00:56:07,932
Despite the excellent start
from Richard and I,
1116
00:56:07,998 --> 00:56:11,669
we were quickly overwhelmed
by the steel cars.
1117
00:56:11,736 --> 00:56:14,505
And now the Golf's got past!
1118
00:56:14,572 --> 00:56:16,240
(RICHARD GROANS)
1119
00:56:16,306 --> 00:56:17,908
Oh, no! Oh, no!
1120
00:56:17,975 --> 00:56:20,445
I've let the Mondeo through.
That's a disaster!
1121
00:56:21,612 --> 00:56:24,715
Oh, I've lost
one of my nose tampons!
1122
00:56:24,782 --> 00:56:28,986
What Richard and I
really needed
was help from our colleague.
1123
00:56:29,053 --> 00:56:31,456
Sadly, though...
1124
00:56:31,456 --> 00:56:34,659
JAMES: I'm gonna take
a racing line.
Oh, I'm completely lost.
1125
00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:38,829
The trouble is,
the race track looks the same
as the front of the car.
1126
00:56:38,896 --> 00:56:40,831
What a stupid idea
for an event.
1127
00:56:43,100 --> 00:56:46,103
I've lost the other
nose tampon! Help!
1128
00:56:47,472 --> 00:56:49,607
I may have to pit
for another tampon.
1129
00:56:51,141 --> 00:56:52,477
JAMES: Where am I going?
1130
00:56:54,144 --> 00:56:56,046
All right, James?
1131
00:56:56,113 --> 00:56:57,347
No.
1132
00:56:57,482 --> 00:56:59,016
No time to lose.
1133
00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:03,921
I've gone for
the super absorbent,
1134
00:57:03,988 --> 00:57:06,557
slightly larger nose tampons,
1135
00:57:06,624 --> 00:57:08,593
which I hope will last
a little longer.
1136
00:57:13,030 --> 00:57:15,700
Given that we were in
an endurance race,
1137
00:57:15,766 --> 00:57:19,003
our tactics so far
had been to protect our cars.
1138
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:23,808
RICHARD: Reliability,
that's what we need here.
That is everything.
1139
00:57:23,874 --> 00:57:25,375
That's what matters most.
1140
00:57:25,510 --> 00:57:29,079
But with the cars of the past
racking up so many laps,
1141
00:57:29,146 --> 00:57:31,148
we had to get
the hammer down.
1142
00:57:33,417 --> 00:57:35,520
The MeaTI
against the...
1143
00:57:35,553 --> 00:57:39,890
whatever that is -
1.6 litre Golf.
1144
00:57:39,957 --> 00:57:41,225
Yes!
1145
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:43,060
Yes! I've got him!
1146
00:57:44,595 --> 00:57:47,231
RICHARD:
Power sliding a hedge.
1147
00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:48,999
Come on!
1148
00:57:49,066 --> 00:57:50,134
(GRUNTS)
1149
00:57:53,403 --> 00:57:55,540
JEREMY: Yes. Oh, yes.
1150
00:57:58,743 --> 00:58:00,811
I think I've done a lap.
1151
00:58:02,312 --> 00:58:06,551
With us three - well, two -
making good progress,
1152
00:58:06,617 --> 00:58:10,254
the cars from the past
started to play dirty.
1153
00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:12,657
(CLATTERING)
1154
00:58:12,723 --> 00:58:14,892
That is out of order!
They are getting violent!
1155
00:58:17,628 --> 00:58:19,830
(YELLS) Oh! Oh, no!
1156
00:58:19,897 --> 00:58:21,599
I've lost a tampon again!
1157
00:58:24,201 --> 00:58:25,703
JAMES: Who was that?
1158
00:58:25,770 --> 00:58:26,937
RICHARD:
Think you can mess with us
1159
00:58:27,004 --> 00:58:28,706
just because we like
trees, do you?
1160
00:58:28,773 --> 00:58:31,776
That's out of order, mate.
You can't. Have that!
1161
00:58:31,842 --> 00:58:33,578
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
1162
00:58:38,583 --> 00:58:40,718
The bone
is taking on the steel!
1163
00:58:43,253 --> 00:58:45,255
Although
we were holding our own,
1164
00:58:45,322 --> 00:58:49,193
the relentless pressure
started to take its toll
on our vehicles.
1165
00:58:51,061 --> 00:58:52,597
(GRUNTS)
1166
00:58:53,698 --> 00:58:55,232
JAMES: I've lost
part of the hat.
1167
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:00,304
I can smell...
1168
00:59:00,370 --> 00:59:01,939
(SNIFFS) What can I smell?
1169
00:59:03,407 --> 00:59:05,643
Is that from the exhaust?
1170
00:59:05,710 --> 00:59:10,014
With Hammond distracted
by the hot exhaust
burning his bodywork,
1171
00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:12,282
it was all down
to my cow car.
1172
00:59:15,786 --> 00:59:20,791
Good dicing here between
the past and the future.
1173
00:59:20,858 --> 00:59:23,227
It's neck and neck!
1174
00:59:23,293 --> 00:59:24,428
(LAUGHS)
1175
00:59:24,494 --> 00:59:26,130
But then...
1176
00:59:26,196 --> 00:59:27,632
Oh, no! No!
1177
00:59:28,733 --> 00:59:29,900
Disaster!
1178
00:59:29,967 --> 00:59:31,702
Oh, hell.
I think it looks like
1179
00:59:31,769 --> 00:59:32,970
Jeremy's got trouble.
1180
00:59:34,939 --> 00:59:36,641
How do you peel a cow?
1181
00:59:38,242 --> 00:59:41,045
Having eventually got to
the overheating engine
1182
00:59:41,111 --> 00:59:45,249
and seen it had become
a production line
for maggots...
1183
00:59:45,315 --> 00:59:47,818
...I decided to go off
and be sick.
1184
00:59:51,188 --> 00:59:56,160
Er... News from the Inaugural
Sustainable Motorsport Event
1185
00:59:56,226 --> 00:59:58,562
On A Sustainable Track,
or whatever it's called,
1186
00:59:58,663 --> 01:00:02,032
Jeremy Clarkson has retired
with a maggot infestation.
1187
01:00:03,801 --> 01:00:07,271
JAMES: This meant
all our hopes rested
with Richard Hammond
1188
01:00:07,337 --> 01:00:08,939
and his smouldering ark.
1189
01:00:11,909 --> 01:00:13,678
Yeah, you ran wide!
1190
01:00:13,744 --> 01:00:15,512
But then...
1191
01:00:15,579 --> 01:00:16,881
Oh, my God!
1192
01:00:18,615 --> 01:00:19,684
Oh, no!
1193
01:00:21,819 --> 01:00:26,123
Oh, no! More news from the
Sustainable Motorsport
Challenge is that... Ow!
1194
01:00:26,190 --> 01:00:29,326
...Richard Hammond,
I believe, is on fire.
1195
01:00:29,393 --> 01:00:31,028
The garden centre is ablaze.
1196
01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:35,132
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, no!
1197
01:00:37,401 --> 01:00:38,803
That's gonna make it worse!
1198
01:00:40,004 --> 01:00:41,038
(GROANS)
1199
01:00:41,105 --> 01:00:43,007
JEREMY: With Hammond's car
on fire...
1200
01:00:44,441 --> 01:00:48,445
mine alive, and James's
disintegrating again...
1201
01:00:48,512 --> 01:00:50,147
JAMES: Ow! Ow!
1202
01:00:50,214 --> 01:00:54,251
...we decided that
environmentalism
simply doesn't work.
1203
01:00:55,485 --> 01:00:58,055
-And with that, back to--
-(SIREN BLARES)
1204
01:00:58,122 --> 01:01:00,290
And with that,
back to the tent.
1205
01:01:02,993 --> 01:01:04,194
JAMES: Holy crap!
1206
01:01:06,797 --> 01:01:08,098
(CHEERING)
1207
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:13,203
-No, it didn't work.
-No. So, there we are.
1208
01:01:15,740 --> 01:01:17,107
There we are,
we've looked into it.
1209
01:01:17,174 --> 01:01:18,575
We've looked into it
thoroughly,
1210
01:01:18,642 --> 01:01:22,079
and I'm afraid
we're all doomed,
we're all gonna die.
1211
01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:25,649
And on that terrible
disappointment,
I'm afraid it's time to end.
1212
01:01:25,750 --> 01:01:27,251
See you next week. Goodbye!
1213
01:01:27,317 --> 01:01:28,418
(CHEERING)
1214
01:01:30,487 --> 01:01:32,456
♫♫
94654
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