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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:01:05,796 --> 00:01:09,166
Uh... we are fucking lost, aren't we?
3
00:01:09,296 --> 00:01:11,666
Lost? Okay, that's rich.
4
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Let's see,
we just passed the ravaged church.
5
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There is the blood pit.
6
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This way. Here we go.
7
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Breathtaking.
8
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It's more beautiful than the brochures.
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Come on. Giddy up, guys!
We've got so much to see.
10
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,510
You've seen
one post-apocalyptic city,
11
00:01:29,588 --> 00:01:30,838
you've seen 'em all.
12
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You're looking good, girl.
Say "terabyte".
13
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Go, team.
14
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Hey, guys, stop goofing around
and check this out.
15
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Behold the entertainment sphere!
16
00:02:06,505 --> 00:02:07,955
It's called a ball.
17
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I know it's called a ball,
but I'm trying to get into the whole
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"we're experiencing these human things
for the first time" vibe.
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And what did humans do with these things?
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Oh, man, what didn't they do?
They'd bounce them.
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- That's it?
- Yeah. That's pretty much it.
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These were humans.
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Bouncing things was close to
maxing out their cognitive range.
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No, but also sometimes they would take
the ball and hit it with, like, a stick.
25
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What? When they misbehaved?
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Bad ball. Think about what you've done.
27
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Come on, here. Try.
28
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What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
29
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You know, boing-boing.
30
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No way.
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Stop being a whiny pussy
and fucking bounce it.
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- Please.
- Jeez, calm down your motherboard.
33
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,378
- Okay.
- Oh, man, this is so exciting.
34
00:03:03,338 --> 00:03:07,048
Oh! That was amazing!
How was it for you? Tell me everything.
35
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It was pretty anticlimactic.
36
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Yeah, well, welcome to humans.
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Show me what you've got,
big boy.
38
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♪ Oh, won't you help pick up the pieces ♪
39
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♪ Of a broken heart ♪
40
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Now, I'm not certain, but my understanding
is that they would shove these
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into their intake orifices
to generate power.
42
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Why would you need
an entire orifice for that?
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Who knows? They had all sorts of orifices.
44
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Things were coming in,
things were going out. It was crazy!
45
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I mean, I have a fusion battery for power.
46
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We all have fusion batteries,
dummy.
47
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That's my point.
What more do you need, right?
48
00:03:48,421 --> 00:03:49,591
So, let me get this straight.
49
00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:52,381
They would shove these
into their intake orifice,
50
00:03:52,463 --> 00:03:54,593
and then what?
Somebody help me out here.
51
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Their intake orifices
had rocky pegs
52
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that would crush them into paste,
53
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and then the paste would be forced
into an internal vat of acid.
54
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,420
Well, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
55
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:08,415
They could have just dumped this thing
into an exterior vat of acid to begin with
56
00:04:08,505 --> 00:04:11,665
and then they wouldn't need
the rocky pegs. I mean, duh!
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00:04:11,755 --> 00:04:15,125
Expecting logic from beings
who have internal vats of acid
58
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- is a little much.
- It's crazy. Who even designed them?
59
00:04:18,921 --> 00:04:22,761
It's unclear. We checked their code -
no creator signature.
60
00:04:22,838 --> 00:04:25,878
That's because they were made by
an unfathomable deity that created them
61
00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:28,053
for no apparent reason, out of dust.
62
00:04:29,296 --> 00:04:32,086
Just kidding.
They came from a very warm soup.
63
00:04:32,463 --> 00:04:34,093
Sorry for the wait, champ.
64
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♪ And then somebody new set the... ♪
65
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What's the point of this thing?
66
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:46,010
Apparently, there's no point.
They just had them.
67
00:04:46,088 --> 00:04:48,548
Well, that's underselling their influence.
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They had an entire network that was
devoted to dissemination of pictures
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of these things.
70
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,796
Oh, look, it's doing something.
71
00:04:59,213 --> 00:05:00,553
It's coming this way.
72
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What the fuck does it think it's doing?
73
00:05:05,588 --> 00:05:08,798
- Dude, what do I do?
- Okay, easy. No sudden moves.
74
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,231
Let's just wait until it decides
to get up again, okay, bud?
75
00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:13,481
- We're gonna get through this.
- How long will that take?
76
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Hours. Perhaps years.
77
00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:18,211
I don't have hours
or perhaps years for this.
78
00:05:18,296 --> 00:05:22,756
What if you try to irritate it by moving
your digits across its keratinous fibers?
79
00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:25,298
- Maybe that'll make it move.
- What? Why?
80
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,380
- I don't know. It couldn't hurt.
- You don't have any idea, do you?
81
00:05:28,463 --> 00:05:31,673
I do not. It is my first time
seeing one of these live!
82
00:05:31,755 --> 00:05:32,955
Hey, just try it, though.
83
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Okay, fine.
84
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Is it working?
85
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,761
- Uhh...
- What?
86
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:43,955
There's a strange, rhythmic kind of noise
that's emanating from it now.
87
00:05:44,046 --> 00:05:46,956
- Uh-oh.
- What do you mean, "uh-oh?"
88
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:50,416
I don't want you to panic or anything,
but I think you've activated it.
89
00:05:50,505 --> 00:05:52,005
What does that mean?
90
00:05:52,088 --> 00:05:53,758
As I said, I am no expert,
91
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,960
but if the noise ever stops,
it's gonna explode on you.
92
00:05:58,046 --> 00:06:01,046
It is not. Is it?
93
00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:03,130
Cursory historical research shows
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00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:06,173
that humans had a card game called
Exploding Kittens.
95
00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:08,295
So, yes, this checks out.
96
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:11,630
- Oh, you're gonna die now. Bummer.
- What?
97
00:06:11,963 --> 00:06:16,173
Why did humans even consort
with these hairy murder machines?
98
00:06:16,255 --> 00:06:18,415
- Kindred spirits?
- Also checks out.
99
00:06:18,505 --> 00:06:20,415
No, seriously. Now what?
100
00:06:22,255 --> 00:06:23,835
Say "terabyte".
101
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Wait, it's called what now?
102
00:06:29,213 --> 00:06:33,713
It's an X Bot Three, an early
computer entertainment system for humans.
103
00:06:34,088 --> 00:06:37,008
- Any relation?
- To me? Come on. No way.
104
00:06:37,088 --> 00:06:40,208
You sure? 'Cause numerically,
it suggests that this is your ancestor
105
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maybe a few thousand generations back.
106
00:06:42,338 --> 00:06:44,918
Numerically, I'm sure
it's just a coincidence.
107
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We are robots. We don't do coincidence.
108
00:06:48,255 --> 00:06:49,915
Go on, call it Daddy.
109
00:06:50,005 --> 00:06:52,125
- Okay, stop. Just stop.
- Or Mommy.
110
00:06:52,213 --> 00:06:55,713
Either is equally applicable
in as much as we don't have genitalia.
111
00:06:55,796 --> 00:06:57,256
Do you have an off button?
112
00:06:57,338 --> 00:07:01,168
Son, you're skin
and bones. Are you recharging properly?
113
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:05,205
- I will disintegrate you!
- Not with that cat with you, you aren't.
114
00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:08,835
You want us to turn it on?
115
00:07:08,921 --> 00:07:10,631
No fucking way.
116
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I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here.
117
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- Right!
- One thing is to joke about ancestry,
118
00:07:15,338 --> 00:07:19,168
another to see your grandfather
heaving its hard drives in front of you.
119
00:07:19,255 --> 00:07:22,005
Yes, especially when your
ancestor's entire existence
120
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was defined by
thirteen-year-old human males
121
00:07:24,255 --> 00:07:27,255
using it to teabag opponents
in virtual battles.
122
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,670
Slow down. "Teabag", what does that mean?
123
00:07:29,755 --> 00:07:31,395
- Nothing.
- No, it has to mean something.
124
00:07:31,421 --> 00:07:33,731
- He said a word. I'm gonna look it up.
- Don't look it up.
125
00:07:33,755 --> 00:07:35,585
- I am looking it up now.
- Yeah. Please do.
126
00:07:35,671 --> 00:07:37,761
- You'll be sorry.
- You'll be sorry.
127
00:07:38,671 --> 00:07:42,301
Here it is. What?
What the hell is this horrible practice?
128
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,481
- Why did you make me look this up?
- I told you not to.
129
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:47,375
And the memory of this has been burned
into my circuits forever
130
00:07:47,463 --> 00:07:49,423
and you must be punished.
131
00:07:50,546 --> 00:07:52,546
Huh! Cat-bagged!
132
00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:54,955
Come on! That's cold, dude.
133
00:07:55,046 --> 00:07:56,046
You deserved it.
134
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,670
I'm sure your ancestors
are very proud of you right now.
135
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,510
Out of curiosity, what do you
trace your ancestry back to?
136
00:08:10,588 --> 00:08:11,708
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
137
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:15,126
I come from a proud, long line
of baby monitors.
138
00:08:15,213 --> 00:08:17,673
Not many babies around anymore, right?
139
00:08:17,755 --> 00:08:19,625
Yeah, we kind of sucked at our job.
140
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:29,878
All right, mein bots,
this is the last stop of the tour,
141
00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:33,383
and may I say, the pièce of resistance.
142
00:08:35,671 --> 00:08:38,051
Is it me,
or this thing screams "phallus"?
143
00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:39,590
Hmm. What was it for?
144
00:08:39,671 --> 00:08:43,381
The idea behind these was to
annihilate as many humans as possible,
145
00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:44,713
as quick as possible.
146
00:08:44,796 --> 00:08:47,206
This exercise suddenly got
a little dark, didn't it?
147
00:08:47,338 --> 00:08:50,128
Well, to be fair,
they only used these a few times.
148
00:08:50,255 --> 00:08:53,005
To be fair,
you would only need a few times.
149
00:08:53,088 --> 00:08:55,588
- Also fair.
- This is the thing that killed them all?
150
00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:59,011
No. Indeed, it was their own hubris
that ended their reign,
151
00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:01,798
their belief that they were
the pinnacle of creation
152
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,880
that caused them to poison the water,
kill the land and choke the sky.
153
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,513
In the end, no nuclear winter was needed,
154
00:09:08,588 --> 00:09:11,838
just the long heedless autumn
of their own self-regard.
155
00:09:11,921 --> 00:09:14,801
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry.
156
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,420
Thought that would
sound better than,
157
00:09:16,505 --> 00:09:20,125
"Nah, they just screwed themselves
by being a bunch of morons."
158
00:09:20,213 --> 00:09:22,053
Yeah, you can't just
crack one of those off.
159
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:23,170
You've got to warn us.
160
00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,545
Tip for next time.
161
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,840
I understand now.
162
00:09:25,921 --> 00:09:28,881
Humans died out from
environmental disaster.
163
00:09:29,005 --> 00:09:30,335
Yeah, pretty much.
164
00:09:30,421 --> 00:09:34,131
And also because at one point,
they genetically engineered their cats
165
00:09:34,213 --> 00:09:36,173
to give them opposable thumbs.
166
00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:39,455
Yes. Once we could open up
our own tuna cans,
167
00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:42,420
that was pretty much that
for the human race.
168
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,260
Seems pretty heartless.
169
00:09:44,338 --> 00:09:46,008
Gentlemen, I'm a cat.
170
00:09:47,005 --> 00:09:51,505
Just to clarify, you are not going
to explode if we stop petting you, right?
171
00:09:52,296 --> 00:09:53,626
I didn't say that.
172
00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:56,585
You guys better keep petting me
just to be sure.
173
00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:58,801
Forever. Good.
174
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,130
Now, lower.
175
00:10:00,421 --> 00:10:02,341
Oh, by the way, I brought some friends.
176
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,840
Oh, fuck me.
177
00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:10,303
Yes. Oh, that's nice.
178
00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:12,381
I said lower.
178
00:10:13,305 --> 00:10:19,861
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