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*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 11
Episode Title: "Sea to Unsalty Sea"

- Thank you so much.

They're a rowdy bunch.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to what
is a Grand Tour mini-special.

It's all based around here

in this rather troubled
part of the world.

You've got Syria and Iraq and
Iran, sort of at the bottom.

And then at the top
you've got Russia.

But in-between you have this
sliver of peace and prosperity.

And that got us thinking.

You see, if you live on
the shores of the Black Sea

and you're partial to
a bit of fish, you're fine.

But...
What if you like bream?

You see, bream likes fresh water.

And the Black Sea is salty.

The nearest fresh water is all
the way over here in the Caspian.

And that is a thousand
kilometres away.

Yeah, so we were wondering, if you have
to drive all that way for your supper,

what would be the best car?

Obviously, you'd need some
sort of GT, but which one?

The new Aston Martin DBS? The
new Bentley Continental GT?

Or the newerer BMW 8 Series?

Now this is exactly the sort of question
this show was designed to answer.

So, this week, we took
The Grand Tour to Batumi,

in the former Soviet State
of Georgia.

The meeting point was
on the shores of the Black Sea,

and naturally enough James
May was the last to arrive.

In the new BMW 8 Series.

God, it doesn't look anything like as good
in the flesh as it did in the pictures.

It is disappointing in the metal.
I'm afraid that's the case.

- And brown!
- What?

- Brown!
- It's sunburst orange.

- Mate, that's a brown car.
- Sunburst orange.

- It's brown!
- Orange!

- It looks very like a Toyota.
- It doesn't.

Is it on delivery wheels - are
they specially for delivering it?

- What are you talking about?
- Those little wheels

they can move it around on.

That's what I mean. They're
not big enough, are they?

- Can you have a 22-inch wheel?
- No.

- Why not?
- Why would you want a 22-inch wheel?

- It would spoil the ride.
- It would fill the arches.

- Yeah.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!

And I suspect...
criminal offence.

- What?
- Anyone who puts an M badge

on a BMW that isn't an M BMW
has to go to prison.

So this is one of those
M cars that isn't an M car.

- They've done that before.
- No, it's not the M8.

- Why does it say M8 on it?
- Because it's the M Sport, in effect.

So M Sport just means

- not an M, doesn't it?
- Yeah.

But it's in-between the M
and the normal cars.

That's why you have M Sport
5 Series, for example.

This is like Elton John's
Greatest Hits

without Your Song
or Tiny Dancer on it.

James, I don't want to be
childish about this now...

- Do you not? But you're going to.
- I hate your gear lever.

- I love it.
- Look at it!

I think that's fantastic.

And the rest...
it's a horrible gear lever

in a boring interior.

That's contemporary
and tasteful.

Let's look at yours.
What have you got?

You've got the new Bentley

that's the same
as the old Bentley.

Apart from being
a completely new car.

- Yeah, but it looks the same.
- It doesn't look the same.

It's complete... different front end.
Different size.

- No, it looks like an Aventador.
- Different back.

- No.
- It's a completely new car.

This monochrome Union Jack
applied by Germans?

Yes?

There is
some German involved.

- Chassis? German.
- Yeah.

- Engine? German?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, the Germans have done
all the tech and engineering.

That'll... No, wait,
it will be brilliant.

What?

It's a bit... I use the word
advisedly - it's a bit camp.

- It's not camp!
- It is.

- What's camp about that?
- It's all pleated and

leathery and... Urgh!

It does give
good occasion, that.

That is a special event.

Does Liberace pop up
out of the centre console

and play the piano for you?

You see, the reason I'm not
having a go at your interior

is my Aston has been delivered
with Birmingham spec.

- That's horrible!
- Ooh, that's quite vivid, isn't it?

I mean, worryingly for you,
I quite like that interior.

You like that? Exactly.

So this is...it's a DB11.

Well, no. It's the DBS.

- Superleggera.
- Because it's very light, isn't it?

- Is it?
- That's what superleggera means, yeah?

It's 72 kilograms lighter
than a DB11.

And no more expensive.

- It's a bit more expensive.
- How much more expensive?

- It's L67,000 more...
- Yes.

-...than the DB11.
- How much is it?

A lot.

Is it something like a
quarter of a million pounds?

- No!
- What is it, then?

- A little bit less.
-230?

- A bit less.
-225?

- Yes.
- Mine's L100,000.

It's contemporary
and it's modern.

It's no good saying, "It looks
Japanese" as if that's a slur.

- The Japanese advanced the car massively.
- No, no, that just means...

Eventually,
we decided to stop arguing

and drive from here
on the Black Sea

right through Georgia
and Azerbaijan

to the Caspian for a nice
piece of grilled bream.

Funny thing is, I've no idea
what to expect on this journey.

I mean, I've seen the
Grand Prix from Azerbaijan

and I've seen Borat.

Hmm... Which is it?

I don't know what the roads
are gonna be like.

I mean, should we be doing
this in pick-up trucks?

Or tanks?

I mean, this is
the former Soviet Union.

It doesn't look it,
but it is.

Whatever. The roads
at this point were fine.

So, we could get to know
our cars.

The question I really want to
answer on this journey is this:

How can the DBS be worth
L67,000 more than the DB11

when,
from where I'm sitting...

they appear to be
exactly the same.

At first, you're forced
to say, "Well, it isn't."

This interior
simply isn't good enough

in a L225,000 car.

Just not even close.

You look at the Bentley and
you go, "That is an interior."

It's chintzy, but it's...

fabulous.

However, as we left the city,

the DBS's true colours
started to shine through.

This is by far the most powerful
car here, and the lightest.

And the most
sort of aggressive.

And yet it just glides along,
in GT mode,

which I'm in now -
Grand Touring mode.

It's like a hovercraft.

Whooosh!

I'm driving
a twin-turbo-charged VI2.

I can go 211mph.

And I can whisper at 70.

But when you shift from
GT mode to Sport mode,

it's a very different animal.

Ready?

Jesus Christ. Whoo!

Right, there's
a small difference there

between the DB11 and...
and this.

I'm afraid you're going to have
to face facts, both of you.

You're in wheelbarrows
and I'm in a spaceship.

Ahh.

An old man imagining
he's James Bond.

The thing is, if we're going
to talk about long-legged,

luxurious,
continent-crossing GT cars

we're talking about Bentleys.

They're the definitive GTs.

Whisper-quiet,
velvety-smooth,

a hint of
massive power waiting.

626 horsepower
under my right foot.

Ooh-hoo, my word.

Ha-ha!

But the GT car,
first and foremost,

has got to be
a nice place to be.

Because, by definition, you're
going to spend a lot of time in it.

And this
is a fine place to be.

This finish on the centre
console - this metal here -

is aluminium that's been
milled in the same way

that they mill aluminium inserts
in the back of expensive watches.

If I press this button here I can
rotate between my different screens.

Oh, analogue dials
and clocks!

In the centre of the dash,
thank you.

The problem for me with the
Bentley and the Aston

is that they're actually a bit
too hung-up on being British.

It is a bit of a British disease.
We can't shake it off.

We're obsessed
with phoney heritage

and the meaning of tradition.

It's all just nonsense,
really.

Actually, if you want to talk
about heritage and traditions

then the BMW
has the strongest.

It's still made in Munich
by the same company.

They make their own bits.

And some of those bits
are very good.

It has a 4.4-litre
twin-turbo-charged V8,

developing 523 horsepower.

It also has four-wheel drive,
rear-wheel steering,

and adaptive anti-roll bars.

It has an eight-speed
gear box.

It's not twin clutch, but it is
flappy paddle, and it is very sharp.

There we go -
drop it down to three.

This is a proper car.

Not tinsel!

After James had
finished his interesting lecture

on what's wrong with Britain,

May started to think
about buying some fruit.

Anybody need a lemon?

Er...
No, I'm all right, thanks.

I don't want... Oh, hang on, they've
all had the same idea here, look.

Lemons on the right.

There can't be
another lemon stall.

Seriously...
It is - it's more lemons.

Why doesn't someone go, "Right, everyone
is selling lemons on this piece of road,

we're gonna sell furniture."

Also, as a general rule,
you don't need many lemons,

whatever you're making.

We must have driven past,
what, 10,000?

There's some more here
on the right.

Well, that's one evening with Richard
Hammond's gin and tonic intake.

Just trying out
the voice activation system.

Always worth a laugh.

"Enter country."

Please
say the name of the country.

- Georgia.
- Malta. Accepted.

- I don't want to go to Malta.
- Would you like to enter a destination?

- No.
- Please say the name of the country.

Georgia.

Please say the name
of the desired country.

Georgia.

Please say the name
of a country.

For example, England.

Georgia.

Please say the name
of the desired country.

Say the name
of the country as one word.

For example, France.

Yes. Georgia.

Cancel.

Even though our cars didn't
recognise Georgia as a country,

we soon arrived
in the town of Gori.

The birthplace
of Joseph Stalin.

Look at that -
is that a Stalin museum?

Can we just have a look?

Yeah, we can have a look.

Trouble is, when you tend to go
into a building owned by Stalin

you rarely come out again.

In the museum grounds
we found the house

where the Soviet dictator
grew up.

So Stalin sat at that table in the
morning, when he was a little boy.

- Yes.
- And said, "One day when I grow up

I want to be
the nastiest piece of work

the world has ever seen."

And the parents
would have said,

"There's a little boy
in Austria

and he wants to be the
nastiest piece of work.

But we think, son, you can be an even
nastier piece of work." And then he was.

"You can be whatever
you wanna be, son."

"If you wanna be the biggest
bastard the world has ever seen."

- Bastard is a good word.
- And his mum said to him,

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to
follow your father and be a shoemaker?"

"No. I want to murder
20,000,000 people."

He was actually sitting right here in his
little shorts and his little moustache.

That is really
weird, though,

isn't it, to think
what started in here.

I've broken Stalin's house.

-- Jeez,
I'm going to the Gulag.

James!

"I've broken Stalin's house!"

Outside, we checked
out the statue of Stalin.

Which that night
caused a debate between...

well, two of us.

The man who beat Hitler
is from your town,

so obviously, as they have done,
you put up a statue to him.

But then it turns out

that he's an even bigger
mass murderer,

so do you take it down?

Eee, it's tricky, that one.
It's very tricky.

Can we talk about our cars?

No.

I'm not interested
in the war.

Well, it's more than the war,
Hammond.

This is the sort of pivotal
bit of 20th-century history.

It affected the whole world.

- Right. Well, I'm off to bed.
- What?

- I'm off to bed.
- Going to bed?

I'm going to bed.
See you in the morning.

We must have bored him, cos he's
left some of his gin and tonic.

After some more
considered debate

about the town's
Stalin's problems,

I had a brainwave.

I tell you what,
that statue...

maybe we
could take it down for them.

- Make up their minds for them.
- Exactly.

- Do you know...
- Cos they're...

This whole town, big dilemma.

Do you know what it's like?
It's like someone who has

an old piece of furniture
that they don't really like,

but they can't throw it away
because it was their grandma's.

But we'll go
and throw it away for them.

And then
they're actually glad.

Cos there's no question they
shouldn't have a statue...

Course you shouldn't.

I mean, I can't remember
the town in Austria,

not Germany,
where Hitler was born.

But I bet they haven't
got a statue to him...

And so, that night, when the
town's people were fast asleep...

Kill the lights.

Hang on.
Where is it? Where's...

No, I meant...

- I may have overdone that bit.
- I meant turn them off.

Can you put the ladder...
Put the ladder... No.

- You go up the ladder.
- I know. Put it on the back.

That is his back.

Right. Right.

Open it.

Come on.

The next morning
as we were saddling up,

Richard Hammond
had a question.

Why have you put Nigel
Mansell's head on my bonnet?

I thought
you'd like it. You know.

British racing driver,
British car,

I thought
it would be appropriate.

It's a bold statement,
isn't it?

You've got a famous
Brummie in the car,

and on the front of the car.

Nigel Mansell must have been
a big name around here.

A lot of people
looking at him.

Was Nigel Mansell
popular here?

Yes. Global superstar, mate.

Global superstar.
They love him.

- Why? Are people pointing?
- Yeah.

They must have been
into racing or something.

Did Nigel
ever race a Bentley?

No, mostly Williams
is what he's famous for.

Oh, yeah, that might be
what's confusing people.

That's why they look puzzled.

I'd quite like to be
Richard Hammond.

Life is so much simpler.

Our next destination was
a racetrack 70 miles away.

And because James and I
had racist satnavs...

we were taking guidance
from the man up front.

Which was a mistake.

Hammond, we've definitely
been round here before.

If you wanted me to be
in charge of navigation,

you shouldn't have glued Nigel
Mansell's head to my bonnet.

I'm trying.

Eventually, Hammond managed to stumble
across the highway leading out of town.

But things
didn't really get any better.

Why are we going so slowly?
I'm being overtaken by trucks.

Well, Nigel Mansell's head
gets in the way of road signs

and I have to crane round him
to see them.

And I don't want
to miss them.

There's a sign there to
Tehran, which is in Iran.

We're not going to Iran.

Well, I don't know. I can't see
the bloody signs, because of Nigel.

Now I've been overtaken
by an orange van.

Everybody filming us.
This is embarrassing.

We're going to be
all over the news.

Hammond's gonna read it and say, "That
wasn't Nigel Mansell, you bastards."

It was somebody called
Josephine Stalin.

Eventually, I found
what I reckoned was our turn-off.

- It's down here.
- No, it's not down here.

We'll go down this bit and then
there'll be a bigger road again

and we'll be there.

And that is
exactly what didn't happen.

Aaargh! Hammond!

Ooh,
I've just grounded out!

Yeah, that happens a lot
on main roads.

The DBS is actually
five millimetres lower

than the DB11 which, of course,
is marvellous on a road like this.

Aaargh!

Still...at least things
soon got worse.

That man is armed.

Another man
with a machine gun.

OK. A lot of people
with machine guns.

A local then explained to me
exactly where we were.

It's the border
that isn't a border.

You look on here, right?

- We're here.
- Yeah.

Yeah? That is the border

between Georgia...and Russia

as recognised by...
most people in the world.

But the Russians reckon...
it's here.

So, well, what they do,

is they put this barbed-wire
fence up...

At night they move it.

Right.

- The Russians move it?
- The Russians move it.

So you go to bed at night,
you're living in Georgia,

you wake up in the morning -
you're Russian.

But people live here.

And this is a rural spot
in the middle of nowhere.

What if somebody did this in
Ross-on-Wye where I live?

Yeah, what if you suddenly woke up
and the Welsh suddenly decided...

It's about the same sort of distance.
"Right, you're in Wales."

We then met an actual
casualty of this border dispute.

Sir, are you Georgian?

TRANSLATOR
SPEAKS GEORGIAN...

THEY SPEAK GEORGIAN...

Can you come across here,
though?

TRANSLATOR SPEAKS GEORGIAN...

Are there
Russian soldiers over there?

Sadly, because we're The Grand
Tour and not the United Nations...

all we could do was remove
Nigel Mansell's head,

sack Hammond as navigator...

and resume our search
for the racetrack.

And once
we found the right road

James started to attract
some special friends.

In their BMWs.

Holy moly!

Have you seen what's sticking
out of the bonnet of that thing?

He's an emeritus professor
at Tbilisi University.

He studies Latin and Ancient Greek.

That's how he gets to work
in the morning.

Oh, James,
there's another one.

Oh, this one's even better.

I've never felt more like
a gooseberry, Hammond.

I know what you mean.

And we're spoiling
the moment for him.

Oh, this is great!

Ha-ha-ha!
Ah, they're everywhere.

Having parted company
with James's fan club,

we eventually arrived
at the racetrack.

Built in the days
of communism...

it hosted some terrible
and boring races,

until the Soviet Union
and it fell apart.

A few years ago, though,

it was brought back to life.

Now, what you've gotta
remember:

715 horsepower is...

a huge amount.

That is a cathedral of power!

119, 122, 129,

136!

God, that is so quick.

And the best thing is,
it's old school.

All of that power
goes to the rear wheels.

There's no...
four-wheel drive.

There's no
four-wheel steering.

There's no fancy trickery.

Oh, look at this.

Drifting with the
traction control on.

Yessss!

We like this.

And with
the traction control off...

I liked it even more.

Look at that. Hah, ha-ha!

The DB11 was the first Aston I've ever
driven that felt good...on a track.

And this is the second.

Jesus, what a car!

Uh, Richard Hammond driving
around in Chatsworth House here.

This engine - this
twin-turbo, six-litre W12

is actually the all-new
engine out of the Bentayga,

but set up specially
for this car.

Putting out
626 brake horsepower.

And it's mounted further back
in the car than before.

And the front wheels
are further forwards.

Which gets it closer
to 50-50 weight distribution.

And there's the keyword:
weight.

There's a lot of it.

Two and a quarter tons of it.

So for it to stand a chance
of doing anything sporty,

it's all about
controlling that weight.

To do that Bentley has
equipped the Continental

with an arsenal
of high-tech weapons.

Torque vectoring,
four-wheel drive,

superfast
adaptive suspension.

And active diffs.

All of which means
this big old Hector

can, to use appropriate
Bentley parlance,

pick up its skirts and run.

Ooh, lovely.

The guy who designs the
traction control for this car

is apparently a drifting champion.

And you can tell.

He's built a Bentley
for himself.

I swear...

Ha-ha-ha!

It's... It's indecent
asking it to do that.

Meanwhile, in the BMW,

I too had been
leaning on the electronics.

Previously on the road
I had this set up

in my version of Sport,
which you can program.

And I had the steering on
comfort, and the ride on comfort.

But now...
I have it in Sport Plus.

I have the least power - 523.

I have the lowest
power to weight ratio.

Look, it's a meaty engine
with lots of low-down grunt.

I can dig deep.

Combine that
with the four-wheel drive

and the four-wheel steering,

and the 8 Series
is exactly what you'd expect.

It's easy. It's a BMW.
It feels like a BMW.

It's so easy, in fact,

that while going past
the pits,

I noticed something.

There's a bloke
with a stopwatch there.

Does that mean they're actually
taking times? I presume it does.

They were.
So, all of us

decided to concentrate
on some hot laps.

Bouncing over
the kerbs there.

Unleashing it - and bam!

More speed.

Come on. Come on, turn.
Grip. Grip, grip, grip, grip.

The brakes, the turning...

the acceleration...

all absolutely...

brilliant.

What happens here?

Stay wide, dab of brakes...

now bean it.

Is this the fast one
or the slow one?

God, it can pick up.
It just charges.

0-60 in 3.4 seconds,

which is...
absolutely mind-boggling

in a car this big.

Send it in.

-- Oh,
collecting a bit of kerb.

These brakes
are gonna get hot.

These are the largest steel
brakes on any production car,

but I'm still asking
a lot of them.

Eventually we pitted
to see how we'd done.

- No surprises here.
- Go on.

- Aston was the fastest.
- Oh, God.

- No, but obviously by an enormous margin.
- Fair enough.

- Yes.
- Two minutes, yes?

- Two minutes dead, pretty much.
- Faster by two minutes?

No, no. Two minutes.

Here's the interesting one,
though.

The former President
of Georgia

when this track
was reopened,

a few years ago -
he set a time.

- Did he?
- Yeah. In a Formula 3 car.

Two minutes five dead.

That's the President
of Georgia.

- So, James May.
- Yes?

Were you faster or slower,
do you think,

than the President
of Georgia?

Do I have to be the
President of Georgia if I...

No.
I'm gonna say I was slower.

- You're absolutely right.
- But... -

Here's something interesting.

You were only point-eight
of a second slower

than the President of Georgia
and he was in a Formula 3 car.

Do you think you were faster
than the President of Georgia?

I'll be honest, I'd very,
very much like to have been.

- James May, you did 2:05.8.
- Yes.

- Richard Hammond.
- Yes? -Two minutes...

Yes?

Four...point eight.

- So you're only a second quicker.
- Ohh.

That's the closest
you two have

- Yeah, that is.
- ever been. Oh, hang on.

A text. Oh, God. Mr Wilman.

How does he know
when we're all sitting...

It's uncanny.

- Go on, then.
- Right.

I've seen how fast you can go
in your cars on a flying lap.

- Yes.
- Now we shall see

how fast you can go when
you're bursting for a pee.

- What?
- Really?

Right, each of you will drink
three pints of water,

wait 20 minutes

and then see how much
your times improve.

Soon, we were
ready to begin the test.

Right, so we drink these, and
then when we've drunk all three,

-start the timer?
- Yeah.

- That's disgusting.
- Mm.

It's just revolting,
this stuff.

Women drink this,
you know, for fun.

- Couldn't we have done it with wine?
- Shut up.

Oh, God.

- Have you finished?
- I'm going.

How have you done that?

Why are you
so far ahead of me?

The thing is, this is quite
an interesting test,

because when I drive normally,
I drive on the motorway at 70mph.

- Of course you do.
- When I need a pee, I'll do 180.

- This test is unfair.
- Why is it?

Well, my capacity is
smaller than you two.

Er...

Plus, it's got to go less distance to my
stomach, then less distance to my bladder,

and then less distance
to my chap.

- But...
- What? -We're older.

- Yes.
- And you have wooden bladders.

When you get older... Younger
viewers may be interested in this.

It comes on more suddenly,
doesn't it?

I can do the nights still. I
don't need to get up in the night.

Mind you, that's prostrate
cancer, isn't it?

- Is it?
- Yeah, it is. It's a sign.

You know with prostrate
cancer, they tell you

you've got to put your finger in your
back bottom and have a rummage about.

Now, never having done that, I don't
know what it should feel like normally.

- So I don't know...
- No, it's the doctor.

That's why you
get the doctor to do it.

- No, it says check yourself.
- You don't back on to your own digit.

- It's... That's what it says.
- It isn't.

Posters say,
"Check your anus."

I've never seen a poster that says,
shove your finger up your arse. I just...

Well, I've never understood it
cos it does say in the adverts,

check yourself,
prostrate cancer.

No, you check yourself for
testicular cancer, you spanner.

You rummage your nuts about
to make sure there's no...

- That you can do, yes.
- That's correct.

No, that's what you
tell your wife.

Mercifully, my
20-minute wait was soon over.

Four, three, two.

- One.
--Goodbye.

Ooh, no, that hurts.

- Three, two, one. -
- I'm out of here. Good luck.

Ooh, it is starting.
And running's unwise.

I don't need a wazz.
I don't need a wazz.

Oh, God, it's...
it's interfering.

Aah... aah...

Come on. Come on!

I'm not thinking about it.

I'm just
not thinking about it.

Need a wee.
Braking, braking hard.

Oh, it's worse going through the corners
because it all sloshes to one side.

Oh, God.

If Williams
had given their drivers

three pints of water before
every race last year,

they'd have won everything.

Oh, God,
I'm living in my bladder.

Don't relax!

I'm never gonna make it.

That'll do. That'll do.

Just...

Can't run.

It's gonna happen.
It's gonna happen.

What? Who's in there?

- James.
- Bugger off, I'm having a wazz.

- Hurry up.
- I'm having a wazz.

Just hurry up! I'm going
to go in a minute.

Oh, he's...

Right, that's it. Let me in.

Oh, God, there's more!

Oh, God.

It's just awful. When you...

Listen, mate, James
is in there and I'm first.

You ain't getting in
ahead of me.

- It's fine. Just relax.
- There's no way.

It is awful, though, when
you get to the door,

your body's saying,
yes, time to go.

- But then you can't.
- Stop talking.

Why aren't you bothered
anyway?

Well, I solved the problem,
second corner.

- Oh, yeah.
- So...

- James...
- I'm having a wazz.

Yes, I know. I've got the times.
It's quite interesting.

You were a second slower
on that lap.

I'm desperate for a slash.

Do you think
you were faster or slower?

I don't care.

- Richard Hammond...
- J...

your original lap, two
minutes four point eight.

- Your new lap...
- Stop talking.

- Two minutes...
- Yes, whatever.

Zero point five.

You were slower as well.

Because I was concentrating
on not doing what you've done.

Yeah, well, that's interesting.
Because I did what I did, look at that.

How interesting is that.
Exactly the same.

- I mean, I was basically...
- James!

- Hurry up!
- I was point three of a second slower.

But basically the same.

After our
important day's work,

I cleaned myself up and we
headed into Tbilisi,

Georgia's capital,

for something you can only
get in this country.

You see, the thing is, America
gave the world aviation.

Germany gave it the car.
Britain gave it the internet.

But Georgia's contribution was
much more profound and important.

You see, Georgia
gave the world... wine.

They've been making wine
in Georgia for 4,000 years.

It's such a big thing here, they now
have spas where you can bathe in it.

- How does it feel?
- Tremendous.

This is wine.

That's the great thing about that.
He doesn't need a plug.

No.

He will simply lower himself
down and consume his bathwater.

If I were to take
the plug out now,

would you panic and try and
drink it all before it went away?

Hang on, I just need to rinse my hair.
Hold on a minute.

- He's actually going to wash...
- Oh, God, he is.

- ..his hair in wine.
- Oh, no, he is!

Oh, God,
I got some in my mouth.

James, do not
fall asleep in the bath.

- OK.
- He's going to.

Now I can relax.

Ooh...

The next morning, we
went for a drive around Tbilisi,

one of the coolest cities
we'd ever been to.

Who is this on his horse?

According to the sign, it's
King David the Builder.

- What?
- Better than Eric the Chemist.

The last builder I had
working on the house

didn't look like that.

He certainly didn't
turn up on a horse.

We then found a flea market

and decided to test the boot
space in our grand tourers

by picking up
a few souvenirs.

I'm not sure

they would have been
able to win a war like this.

This is a Russian wall clock.

It says Moscow on the dial.
It works.

-- Is
it a Soviet one? -Yeah.

A Soviet cine-camera.

Now, come on.

How much is
the record player?

I'm going to do a selfie.

I like the way that they've captured
the lustfulness of the lady dog

and the wistfulness of James.

Having done our shopping,

Hammond and I
were soon back at our cars

and filling up the boots.

- What have you bought?
- A giant pair of jugs.

Georgian wine jugs.

Do you know what the Georgian
is for wine jugs?

- No.
- Norks.

- Is it? Is it?
- Yeah.

So you've got
two giant norks.

Yeah. A guitar and a clock.

And I'm very pleased
with my purchases.

What's with the trombone,
or whatever it is?

Well, it won't fit.

With my record player and my
bird and my gas mask...

That's a striking piece.
Well, put it on the back seat.

- Quite small.
- It will go on...

The back seat
will accommodate that, look.

- He's going to be critical.
- Oh, my God!

There you go.
Told you he would.

Do Aston Martin describe
that as a back seat?

Yes.

I wouldn't call it
a leather pouch.

I can't argue...

- I can't argue with him.
- It's not acceptable.

- Are you actually in?
- Yes.

- Head room?
- No.

That is absolutely hopeless.

Anyway, the interesting thing
about the Aston Martin is...

- I've got quite a lot to say.
- I need to get out now!

At this point,
James came back.

After a very ambitious
shopping trip.

Could you hold
the porcupine, please?

Yak goes in first.

You won't...
How big is that boot?

- It is actually really big.
- It's unnecessarily big, actually.

- It's too much boot.
- It's a grand tourer.

It's for taking luggage as
you said only the other day.

His Master's Voice
will go there.

And then the Spanish
man-o-war...

I then came up with a plan to
get rid of what wouldn't fit in my car.

I bought you a present.

You're a musical man.

That's very thoughtful
of him, actually.

Thank you.

With our souvenirs
loaded up,

we got back on the road.

Lot of rattling in here.
I'm a bit worried that

my big jugs are going to rub
against my clock and ruin it.

I thought you jammed your clock
between the jugs, so that it wouldn't.

Finbarr Saunders
And His Double Entendres.

Soon,
we arrived at the border.

Where Europe stops
and Asia begins.

So there we are. Bye-bye,
Georgia, the birthplace of wine,

and hello Azerbaijan,

the birthplace of something
very nearly as important.

Oil.

It was first discovered here
in the third century.

Marco Polo wrote about it
a thousand years ago.

He said it didn't
taste very nice.

The oil industry began here.

This was the first country in the
world to develop offshore drilling.

But, weirdly, we are struggling
to find a petrol station.

This meant
we had to back off a bit.

Which prompted some smug
eco-sermons from Hammond and May.

As we're now in the cruise,

my car can do
a very clever thing.

Its W12 can shut down
six cylinders

and run as a V6
to save fuel.

And you can get
as much as 30mpg,

but actually that's quite
a lot for a 2.2-tonne car.

And more importantly, it means I
get a 500-mile range out of a tank.

What I can do is I can put it in Eco
Pro mode, which I'm just doing now,

which shuts down some vital features.
Not the engine fortunately.

And I have an active grille.

The flaps open
when they need to

and then shut for better aerodynamic
efficiency when they're not needed.

So this is all hi-tech stuff
we're doing.

Jeremy,
what's your Aston Martin got?

Well, between 40 and 80

it'll shut down six of the
cylinders and run as a straight six

until the catalytic converter
on the shut-down bank gets cool,

then it starts that bank up again
and shuts the other one down,

alternating to make sure everything
is at the optimum temperature.

Ha-ha!
They weren't ready for that.

Happily, at this point

we finally found
a fuel station.

Oh.

Now, that's an oil company
name I wasn't expecting.

Really?

I know this is childish
but it says...

- I wish we had Turd Petrol in Britain.
- I really do.

Turd Petrol!

Why don't they
sponsor a Formula 1 team?

Powered by Turd!

- Think of the skid marks.
- Think of the commentary.

Back on the move, we started to
soak up the local motoring culture.

Which didn't take long.

Lada, Lada

and Lada.

Lada, Lada, Lada.

Lada, Lada.

Three Ladas there,
a Lada there,

two Ladas there.

If there's
a Lada owners' club

in Azerbaijan,
it could be massive.

"What Car?" must have been a
very thin magazine over here.

At the next town, May
and I wanted to pull over.

And Hammond didn't.

It's all very nice
jollying around

but these are GT cars.

We've got
a couple of miles in them.

We've got miles to go.
We need to get a move on.

The town, however,
was called Ganja.

So obviously May and I wanted
to experience the architecture.

- You know I'm building a new house?
- Yes.

I think I've got
the scale of it wrong.

Really?

Mm. I think it needs
to be more like this.

This. I like the arch.

I think the Cotswolds needs
this kind of architecture in it.

Can we stop stopping off
to look at things?

The whole point of this trip is to
prove that these powerful GT cars

can devour continents and
we're not devouring any miles.

- Ooh.
- Well, we need to get going.

You do know that these
aren't actually quicker

than any
other type of car?

- What?
- No, in the real world.

I mean, these feel great.
That's why we like them.

It's nice having a powerful car, etc.
But in the real world

they don't go any faster or
slower than any other type of car.

- But they go faster.
- They don't.

What? Those Ladas we've been
overtaking endlessly since we got here.

You're saying that my twin turbocharged
Aston Martin is no faster than them?

Not in the real world.

I'll demonstrate it to you,
tomorrow.

Oh, God.

Right, May,
what is your thinking?

Well, I've bought this
Renault 9. It's the GTL.

And I've flown Abbie
out to drive it

and we're going to drive 50 miles to
a place called the Garden of Paradise.

Why can't we just
go where we're going?

Cos I just said we're going to the
Garden of Paradise. It'll be nice.

- So Abbie gets a two-minute head start.
- Mm-hm.

You won't be
able to catch her.

- We will.
- You won't.

- A two-minute head start...
- Yes.

And you think we can't
catch her up in 50 miles?

Exactly.

That's not in good condition.

It wasn't very expensive.

Start the engine, please.

- Oh, well.
- Oh, well.

Oh, we're in trouble now.

- Right, you ready?
- Purrs like a kitten.

In three, two, one...

Go! -

- Professional racing driver.
- She's good. She's good.

- You've bought a dog.
- It doesn't work!

- There.
- Ooh.

So James May's experiment...

Is an Aston Martin DBS,
twin turbo,

faster than an ancient
rusting Renault 9?

18 seconds.

Stop sounding excited about
this ridiculous escapade.

Two, one, begin.

Right, let's get this charade
over with, shall we?

And prove that James is mad.

The point of having a GT car with tonnes
of power is it makes you feel good

and it's nice.
But it's not quick.

All cars in the real world
go at the same speed

because how fast they go is
dictated by external factors,

not the car itself.

Traffic lights,
speed cameras,

other cars,
pedestrians crossing.

All these things
just bunch everybody up.

If you have a powerful engine in your car,
you can get home at night more quickly.

Which means you spend more
time with your children.

Which means they're less likely
to grow up as glue sniffers.

Soon we were out of
the town and on the motorway.

But there was a problem.

These speed cameras,
they're at every 100 yards.

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy.

But Abbie has got
the same problem.

She's not
getting away from us.

- No, but we're not catching her either, are we?
- No.

Once we got off the motorway, though,
Hammond and I splashed the brown roadblock

and got cracking.

Abbie is a brilliant driver.

Make no mistake. She's
a lot better at it than me.

But I've got 14 times
more horsepower.

All I had to do
to catch her, then,

was overtake everything.

But that wasn't easy.

Single unbroken line.
Can't overtake.

Can't overtake.

Right, we're stuck
behind a Lada.

Oh, God, car coming the other way.

Oh, come on,
come on, come on.

And there's Jeremy Clarkson
behind a lorry.

As I am.

Yeah, that's what you need.

Town...

Oh... What are you doing?

You dithering half-wit.

In James' real world, we
weren't getting any breaks.

Oh, great. Digger.

Oh, God.

Whereas up ahead,
Abbie was in scythe mode.

Oh, come on!

Right, Lada...
Lada, Lada, Lada.

It's like they're releasing them every
seven seconds coming the other way.

Oh, good. Red light.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four,

three, two...

Hello, chaps.
Waiting at the lights?

Oh, Christ.

Mercifully, though, we were
soon out of the town

and onto the open road.

Freedom!

Yes!

Splash the Lada.

Another one.

It's clear.

But then, with just 10 miles
to go, everything got rural.

Hammond, cows, cows, cows!

As things became
even more rural,

the Aston started
to have a problem.

It's barely moving.
What's he doing?

Can't you pick it up a bit?

It's bumpy and the
camber is all over the shop.

Yeah, it's not perfect but
it's drivable. Come on!

Hammond, I've got 715 horsepower
and only rear-wheel drive.

Right, this is ridiculous.
I'm going to come past.

I've got torque vectoring,
four-wheel drive. It can handle this.

Meanwhile, further
back in the Eeyore W...

I bet you she's still
two minutes ahead.

Why have you stopped?

Because there's an entire
farm coming towards me.

It's a river of wool
and lunch.

Please don't
scratch my Bentley.

Please don't scratch
my Bentley.

All right?

As we approached journey's
end, the road surface improved.

So we could both unleash
our massive horsepower.

So here we are,
ladies and gentlemen.

Richard Hammond's
on a mountain road

in a Bentley going quickly.

So nothing can go wrong here.

We've got to have
closed the gap by now.

No offence, Abbie,
but you're not having this.

The finish line at the
Garden of Paradise was close.

And as we entered the outskirts,
the patio of paradise,

Abbie was in sight.

The race we knew
would be ours

but then it turned out
that actually

the finish line
was in the 14th Century.

Oh, my word.

Getting narrow, very narrow.

Oh, I don't know how much

a carbon fibre chin spoiler
is on one of these

but I bet it's a lot.

Abbie, however, wasn't worried
about that sort of thing.

That's the sound of a crow
rubbing against a Russian stereo.

That was not good.

- Hello.
- Hammond, I'm beached.

I'm going to find
another route.

Oh, is it really round here?

A lot of noise
from the boot now.

Meanwhile,
I'd found another route

that wasn't much better.

Oh, God.

James May's ideal motor race,
this. I'm doing four, three.

By this stage
I knew I'd lost.

So I needed to
come up with an excuse.

Are these for the head?

A hat.

This is not
Bentley country now.

This is really
Land Rover territory.

James May, you are
a bloody idiot.

Sit-rep, man arrived
at the window,

took 30 units of currency
away and I now have this hat.

Eventually Hammond and I found Abbie's
victorious Renault at the finish line.

And then what was definitely
several hours later,

May turned up.

Oh, here he is.

Oh, God.

- Who won, then?
- We did!

- Did you?
- No. No. We didn't.

- He went hat shopping.
- I did. Look.

- Really?
- It took him ages choosing that one.

Honestly, we must have been...
How long were we hat shopping?

Must have been a good half
hour to get the right one.

Well, half an hour with the black
one and then I didn't like it.

That does not happen
by accident.

That sort of thing
takes time.

Anyway, this does prove, does it not,
that fast cars, yes, they're great,

but they're not fast.
In the real world

a Renault 9 is as fast
as an Aston or Bentley

-or a BMW.
- Ow! Agh! Agh!

- What?
- Ohh! There's been an accident.

There's no other word for it.

- The... My... Look.
- You've ruined your crow.

The crow's beak's
come off and base.

But more... Look. That all
was in me a minute ago

and now it's not.

Why's it coming out of you?

Because half the crow's face
went in there

-when I picked it up.
- It attacked you?

That was a really priceless
ornament, that.

That's a real shame.

That's coming out at a rate.

I reckon you've probably got
three, maybe four minutes.

That's a pint.

It's not a pint. It's
spread out thin on the floor.

If this were you there'd be
bloody helicopters coming,

-trousers being cut off.
- Yeah. I'd be out of here by now.

I'm just getting on with it.
Go and have a look

-how much damage you've done in yours.
- Mine'll be fine.

I won't have done any damage
in the Bentley.

Oh, God!

- Go on, say it.
- I've lost my jugs and my clock.

All I've got is this ring.

With James' unrealistic
real world test out of the way,

we continued heading east

and eventually we arrived
at the fount of everything.

The cradle of humankind
is in South Africa.

That's where we began
as a species.

But the cradle of everything
that makes us special

is here.

The things that we make out of
what's coming out of the ground here

boggles the mind.

Toothbrushes, crayons,

heart valves, parachutes,

anti-freeze.

Vinyl records,
cassette tapes,

CDs, training shoes.

Guitar strings, balloons,

sunglasses, life jackets.

Anaesthetics,
enamel, dentures,

prosthetic limbs, shampoo.

Disposable ballpoint pen,

smartphone,

face creams, deodorants.

Lipstick, fishing rods,

electric blankets,
insect repellent,

umbrellas, roofing.

Light switches, dishwashers,

John Travolta's face.

Antiseptic,
food preservatives,

basketballs, putty,

motorcycle helmets, boats,

soft contact lenses.

The crackly bottle
your water comes in.

Fan belts, satellite dishes,

Frisbees, heat,

light.

And most importantly of all,

the amber nectar
of the gods, petrol.

Oil is so important
here, in fact,

they've built a spa
where you can bathe in it.

It was like the wine spa
we found in Georgia,

apart from in every way.

- Is that really crude oil?
- Yeah.

I feel like a guillemot.

Any minute now some woman
with hairy armpits

will take me to a yurt and
wash me down with Fairy Liquid

and say,
"Look what we found."

- Where's our baths?
- We've only got the one bath.

You're not getting in here
with me.

Well, I'm not
getting in after you.

- Why not?
- Are you kidding?

Well, because that would be full
of your scabs and dandruff...

The next day,
after I'd been scraped clean,

we set off
for the Caspian Sea.

And since we were almost
at journey's end,

it felt like a good time
to sum up our cars.

All the things a car
has to excel at

to be a good GT car,

luxury, comfort,
power, style,

make for just
a good car of any sort.

And this new Bentley
Continental GT

is a very, very,
very good GT car.

But it has surprised me
beyond that.

At the track, when two and a quarter
tonnes of car felt nimble and agile.

But above all else
it's about this interior.

This is just a nicer place to
be than anywhere else.

Got to say it...
This thing is a masterpiece.

They've absolutely nailed it.

And it deserves to wear
its flying B.

What a thing.

So, my BMW. Now, when
we started this trip,

I merely thought
it was rather good.

But now... I'm pretty much
in love with it.

And most of that, to be honest,
is because of that V8 engine.

It's smooth,
it's quiet, it's unobtrusive,

but then you just knock it down a
few and give it a bit of shoe...

See? It becomes sonorous.

Its voice becomes
more heartfelt

and it tingles through the steering
wheel and through my buttocks.

It's lovely.

And the other thing...

And I know this is
going to sound

a little bit sort of
#FirstWorldConsideration

but it's only L100,000.

Considerably less than half
the price of the Aston Martin.

It also looks better
and it's made by Germans.

Buy this.

It's been a great trip, this.

A couple of things
we've learned on the way...

No.1, Georgia, hidden gem.

Tbilisi in particular.

And No.2, pottery is much
sharper than you might imagine.

Then there's the DBS
and that is tricky.

It is as fast as hell
and it's comfortable

and it looks sensational.

It's a hugely appealing car

but is it worth L70,000 more than
the also hugely appealing DB11?

And I don't think it is.

I just don't think it is.

Maybe if they'd fitted an interior
that made you feel special

like the interior does
in the Bentley,

I'd have a different view,
but they didn't.

So I don't. Sorry.

After a stunning drive
through the tip of the Caucasus,

we eventually arrived in the
jaw-dropping capital of Azerbaijan.

Here we are. Baku,

where there is, let's be
honest, some architecture.

I mean, look at that.

A British architect
did that,

my favouritest building
in the world

by a long way.

These cars are now looking...
well, I'd call them heroic.

James would say disgusting.

James May, how annoyed are you
by the dirtiness of your car?

-- I was just saying
that we're in disgrace.

Because this is a shiny,
spangly city.

We should make our cars
shiny and spangly.

It only takes a minute
to clean them.

These look like
they've done work

and battled
and fought through.

No, they look dirty.

Ooh, hello. This is a bit of
the Grand Prix track.

Of course, they have the
Grand Prix here now.

Why don't we do a lap
of the Grand Prix track?

Well, because I doubt you can.
It's not just a track, is it?

Well, why don't we do a drag
race on the main straight?

Because it's a city. You
can't just do a drag race.

What if we asked
really nicely?

As Hammond didn't have an answer
to that, I did ask really nicely.

And the next day they really
did close off the main straight.

So we could have
our important drag race.

The Aston should
absolutely cream this.

On paper it's faster to 60
and it's more powerful.

And it's lighter.

But it's rear-wheel drive
and it's a wet track.

I have four-wheel drive
and launch control.

My only slight worry is
James has got them as well.

Here's my prediction. Their four-wheel
drive systems and launch controls

will get them
off the line quickly.

And then once I've got the power
down, I'll just become a missile.

This is not a race
to see who wins.

It's a race to see which one
of my colleagues loses.

OK, here we go.

And we are away!

Can't get the power down.

Whoa!

Oh, I feel it slithering, that
four-wheel drive doing its job.

Whoa! OK...

Bentley's reeling me in. I
don't think he's going to do it.

Come on, BMW.

Yes!

Where's Jeremy gone?

Interesting building here.
It's a government building.

I'm just going to
have a look at it.

Yeah, nice.

Having looked at the building,
I decided to have another go.

But still the Aston
would not behave.

Oh, my...

Oh, jeez.

Victory!

So is it just
all over the place?

I'm using about a quarter
throttle and it's sideways.

It's not brilliant, is it?

Well done for getting permission
but not so good on the weather.

I therefore decided that
before we tried again,

I should do something
about the weather.

So I got us
and all our crew vehicles

to drive up and down the
track to try and dry it out.

This took quite a while.

Jeremy, on that
first run, did some poo come out?

Difficult to keep the poo in when
your anus is as well oiled as mine.

How dry are we going to be
able to get this track?

It's drying out
on James' side.

If we do another run
with me there...

- Be all right.
- Well, it's hardly real world, is it,

choosing which bit of the road you
drive on to make your car faster.

As that is in fact exactly
what you do in a race,

I ignored him
and lined up

for our third attempt
on the dry line.

So, BMW, Bentley or
the surface-to-air missile.

Which will win?

Amber.

Ohh!

It's a great start.

Jesus! It's still doing it.

80mph, 90mph.

Oh, it's going
sideways again.

Oh, my...

Ohh!

Oh, jeez!

- Reel him in, reel him in.
- Come on, BMW.

Oh, bugger!

Well, there we are. The Aston was by
far the most exciting to look at there.

As usual.

So now let's get some lunch.

And moments later
we found our grail.

There we are, look, 50
feet below sea level

and we have arrived
at journey's end.

The Caspian.

The largest inland body of
water in the world.

Our journey is complete.

Let's get a bream.

A bream's fish?

No, Hammond, they're cows.
Of course they're fish!

I don't like fish.

- Well, on that terrible disappointment...
- For him.

Mm...back to the tent.

Why did you say "Back to
the tent," you idiot?

Um... Oh, right, um...
It just slipped...

I've got biscuit.

- You don't do that.
- It slipped out. -Never do that.

It gives us a chance at least
to say how good GT cars are.

- I love them.
- Mm.

Engine at the front and all
the power you need.

They're everything
you want in a car.

I agree. The BMW
was the best as well.

- Eh?
- Yes, but, James,

why don't you tell
the ladies and gentlemen

about the BMW's
lane departure system?

You know, the one that keeps you in the
white lines when you're driving along.

Yeah, well, the thing is,
it was a pre-production car.

It had a slight glitch in it.
You couldn't turn it off.

And it's quite annoying on
the road because it does that.

But on the track, the problem is
that you aim for a perfect apex

but the car thinks, he's
about to have an accident.

It just throws you back into
the middle of the track again.

It was extremely irritating.

There was that, which you moaned
about a lot, and the gearbox.

Yeah, the gearbox, well...

The problem there is, the display
on the dash, there's two of them.

One of them says what
gear you've selected...

Mm.

...but the other one says what gear
the car thinks you should be in.

So, again on the track,
you'll be driving along,

going, here comes
a left-hand bend...

right down to second and
the car would go, seventh?

- That is annoying.
- It's basically just Germans

saying, "The Englander
knows nothing here."

Exactly.

But it was bloody fast,
the BMW.

It was excellent.

But I still think the
Bentley was the best.

- It was the best.
- I agree.

- What?
- I agree.

Look, I really like
the DBS, OK?

It was a fantastic car.

I like the DB11 as well.

And the Vantage.

But for doing that journey...

- I'd choose the Bentley.
- Wait a minute,

haven't you just recommended the
Aston Martin DBS to a friend of yours?

Yes, I have.

- And has he since bought one?
- Yes, he has.

And on that terrible
disappointment, for him,

it's time to end. Thank you
so much for watching. Goodbye!

Sync corrections by srjanapala

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