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1
00:00:04,734 --> 00:00:08,267
Are you sure you want to go
on this Parents' Weekend?
2
00:00:08,267 --> 00:00:10,167
I'll be here all alone.
3
00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:12,400
I'll miss you.
4
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,801
There's a 12-pack
chillin' in the fridge.
5
00:00:15,801 --> 00:00:19,300
And you are...?
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,100
Now, don't you
go calling Darlene
7
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,267
and tipping her off
that I'm headed down there.
8
00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,667
I want to meet this Jimmy
guy she's going with,
9
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,834
and I do not want
to give her time
10
00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:29,767
to sober him up
and hide his kids.
11
00:00:29,767 --> 00:00:31,400
Hey!
12
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,067
Why aren't you wearing
any shoes, boy?
13
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,868
I don't want
to wear shoes.
14
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,200
Well, you're gonna.
15
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,868
We've been wearing
shoes in this family
16
00:00:37,868 --> 00:00:39,601
for two generations.
17
00:00:39,601 --> 00:00:42,234
Well, this big kid
said he'd beat me up
18
00:00:42,234 --> 00:00:43,667
unless I gave him my shoes.
19
00:00:43,667 --> 00:00:45,834
Mark, will you come
to school with me tomorrow
20
00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:47,033
and beat him up?
21
00:00:47,033 --> 00:00:48,467
It wouldn't
be a fair fight
22
00:00:48,467 --> 00:00:50,133
for me to beat up
a 12-year-old.
23
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,267
Why don't you
ask David?
24
00:00:52,267 --> 00:00:54,167
Don't worry.
I'll teach you
how to fight.
25
00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:55,734
I don't want
to learn!
26
00:00:57,234 --> 00:00:59,334
Uh, Mr. Conner,
27
00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:04,667
uh, do you think
you could...possibly...
28
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,067
I don't know.
29
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,934
Is there any way
you could teach me
how to fight, too,
30
00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:11,133
maybe?
31
00:01:11,133 --> 00:01:13,834
Sure, David.
I could teach you
a few things.
32
00:01:13,834 --> 00:01:16,267
Some
of the old patented
Dan Conner moves.
33
00:01:16,267 --> 00:01:19,300
Whoop!
Boom-boom-boom!
34
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,200
But that
would be wrong.
35
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,734
Why?
36
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:26,300
Well, I--
I have my reasons,
37
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:29,334
and those reasons
are...
38
00:01:30,901 --> 00:01:35,033
plentiful and mysterious.
39
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:37,767
Okay. Thanks anyway.
40
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:41,901
Do I get to know
my reasons?
41
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,601
Okay. Darlene's going out
with this boxer, right?
42
00:01:44,601 --> 00:01:47,234
So David thinks if he
gets to be a tough guy
43
00:01:47,234 --> 00:01:49,400
that Darlene
will want him back.
44
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,734
See, David
needs to find somebody
45
00:01:51,734 --> 00:01:54,133
that will love him for just
being David, you know?
46
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:56,834
He shouldn't have to be
thinking about changing.
47
00:01:56,834 --> 00:01:58,234
So while I'm gone,
48
00:01:58,234 --> 00:02:01,567
your mission, should you
choose to accept,
49
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:04,467
is to make David feel good
about being David.
50
00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:06,400
Okay.
51
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,334
By the way,
can you tell me...
52
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:13,234
some things...
about being David
53
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:17,400
that he could...
feel good about?
54
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,033
Yeah. Well, you know,
55
00:02:19,033 --> 00:02:21,801
there's...his drawing,
you know, his art,
56
00:02:21,801 --> 00:02:23,300
and, uh...
57
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,701
He sits in front of the TV
for a long time,
58
00:02:27,701 --> 00:02:31,200
so he's got a very good
long attention span.
59
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,067
Groovy.
I can work with that.
60
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:36,834
Good-bye, house!
61
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:38,334
Bye, Mrs. Conner.
62
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:41,367
Bye. Dan, I'll be counting
the kids when I come back.
63
00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:44,234
We better not be missing
more than a couple of them.
64
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:51,968
Hey, David,
that's really good!
65
00:02:51,968 --> 00:02:53,734
What is that, a horse?
66
00:02:53,734 --> 00:02:56,434
No, it's not just
a horse, Mr. Conner,
67
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:57,634
It's supposed
to represent power
68
00:02:57,634 --> 00:03:00,033
and movement
and freedom.
69
00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:01,467
See,
I'm trying to show
70
00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:03,634
the wild spirit that's
inside of all of us
71
00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:05,234
that we're afraid
to acknowledge.
72
00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:09,901
He got a name?
73
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:53,434
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
74
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,734
Why don't you
move this table saw
75
00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:02,033
into the corner, Deej?
76
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,200
I don't want to hit
my head on anything
77
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,501
when you
knock me down.
78
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:06,667
Heh heh heh heh.
79
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,200
Good idea.
We'll stretch first.
80
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:17,200
You don't have to
teach me how to fight.
81
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,534
Oh, son, it's normal
to be scared,
82
00:04:20,534 --> 00:04:23,400
even for a big,
strong guy like you.
83
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,200
But you can't
give in to your fear,
84
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,601
or you'll be afraid
your whole life.
85
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,033
I'm not afraid
of this guy.
86
00:04:31,033 --> 00:04:33,067
I know just
how to handle him.
87
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,067
Show me.
88
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:36,300
I'm gonna cry.
89
00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:38,767
You can't cry.
90
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:41,000
Sure I can.
I can cry real good.
91
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,400
And he'll
look pretty stupid
92
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,534
hitting a guy
who's already crying.
93
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:47,334
Now, son...
94
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:50,300
fighting a bully
is just a normal part
95
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,267
of growing up
and being a man.
96
00:04:52,267 --> 00:04:55,334
So if I never fight him,
I'll never be a man?
97
00:04:55,334 --> 00:04:56,534
Yeah, you'll be a man.
98
00:04:56,534 --> 00:04:58,734
You'll just be a man
without shoes.
99
00:04:58,734 --> 00:05:01,801
Well, I don't want
to get hit. It'll hurt.
100
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,133
Come on, D.J.
101
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:05,033
I know a little pain
doesn't bother you.
102
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:07,400
I've seen you
go to the doctor
to get shots.
103
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,567
I hate getting shots!
104
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,667
Is it gonna hurt as much
as getting a shot?
105
00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:14,400
Damn it, D.J.,
106
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,334
when everybody finds out
that you're not gonna fight,
107
00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:18,767
they're gonna
come from all over
108
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:19,968
to start picking on you.
109
00:05:19,968 --> 00:05:22,167
The glee club,
the chess team,
110
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:23,868
even the geeks
that run the projector.
111
00:05:23,868 --> 00:05:25,300
What are you gonna
do then?
112
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:26,801
I'll do something.
113
00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:28,400
What? Like what, huh?
114
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,601
Stop it.
115
00:05:29,601 --> 00:05:31,701
Make me. Come on.
What are you gonna do?
116
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,400
Fine. I give up.
117
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,901
See? It works.
118
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:51,767
[Jackie]
Hello?
119
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:52,767
[Roseanne]
Hello?
120
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,300
Oh, this is wrong.
121
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,701
I can't believe you've
got a key to Darlene's
apartment.
122
00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:58,133
Well, it's
her own damn fault.
123
00:05:58,133 --> 00:05:59,567
She shouldn't have
left her purse
124
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:01,133
laying
around the house.
125
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:03,968
We're just gonna sit
quietly and wait, okay?
126
00:06:03,968 --> 00:06:05,634
We're not gonna go
snooping around.
127
00:06:05,634 --> 00:06:07,267
Oh, God.
128
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,634
What is it?
129
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,133
Well, prepare yourself.
130
00:06:10,133 --> 00:06:11,434
It looks
like they're serious.
131
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:13,033
Jimmy keeps his shirt here.
132
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,834
Guy is a monster!
133
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:18,133
Look at the size
of that thing!
134
00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:21,334
Hey, that's my shirt!
135
00:06:21,334 --> 00:06:23,000
She stole that from me.
136
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,667
I told you that guy was
a bad influence on her.
137
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:27,467
Now, you don't know
that he's bad.
138
00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:29,801
She hasn't told me
one thing about him,
139
00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:31,434
so every single thing
I know
140
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,267
I had to
make up myself,
141
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,901
and it's all bad,
142
00:06:34,901 --> 00:06:36,767
and that
is no coincidence.
143
00:06:36,767 --> 00:06:39,367
Roseanne,
that's crazy.
144
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,234
If you're gonna
be nasty to the guy,
145
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,567
he's gonna clam up.
146
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,367
You'll never find out
what he's really like.
147
00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:46,534
I'm not going to pounce
on him, Jackie.
148
00:06:46,534 --> 00:06:48,934
I want him nice and relaxed
when I kill him.
149
00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:51,734
Otherwise,
it spoils the meat.
150
00:06:51,734 --> 00:06:52,734
Hey.
151
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:54,667
Hi. Surprise!
152
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:55,968
Hi, Aunt Jackie.
153
00:06:55,968 --> 00:06:57,534
What are you doing here?
154
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:02,100
Well, it's Parents' Day,
155
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:05,734
and your birth mother,
Morgan Fairchild,
couldn't make it.
156
00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:09,968
Oh,
so you must be Jimmy.
157
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,801
Yeah. Who are you?
158
00:07:11,801 --> 00:07:13,567
Well, I'm Darlene's mom.
159
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,067
You told me
your mother was dead.
160
00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:20,367
Why would you tell me
your mother's dead?
161
00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:21,734
Stick around.
162
00:07:23,534 --> 00:07:25,200
Well, I guess she's
just been trying
163
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,400
to keep us apart,
Jimmy,
164
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,834
and I really
don't know why.
165
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:29,601
I like you already.
166
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,934
I've always
had a thing for a guy
167
00:07:31,934 --> 00:07:34,901
with pit stains
down to his waist.
168
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:36,868
I just came
from ballet class.
169
00:07:36,868 --> 00:07:38,767
Oh, ballet.
170
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:41,868
Darlene, you never
told us he was dancer.
171
00:07:41,868 --> 00:07:44,601
Gee, it seems like maybe
you're ashamed of him.
172
00:07:44,601 --> 00:07:47,033
I never said
he was dead.
173
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:51,734
Oh, this one,
always with the jokes.
174
00:07:51,734 --> 00:07:53,267
I joke around, too,
175
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:57,000
but I don't believe you have
to be mean to be funny.
176
00:07:58,467 --> 00:08:01,601
I always told Darlene
I wish I'd met you
before you--
177
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:03,567
you know, passed away.
178
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,767
Oh, yeah, and you would
have loved me, Jimmy.
179
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,801
I was a wonderful woman
180
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:09,968
whose greatest
satisfaction in life
181
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:13,901
came from talking
about the lives
of young people.
182
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,968
So let's
talk about yours.
183
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:17,901
She's offering you
candy, Jimmy.
184
00:08:17,901 --> 00:08:19,901
Don't
get in the car.
185
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:21,434
You ladies
mind if I smoke?
186
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:25,133
Oh, look, Jackie,
a smoker.
187
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:27,434
Oh, boy.
188
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:31,400
And would you look at the way
he handles that thing
189
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:35,100
like he's been doing it
since he was 10.
190
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,167
Wait. So you're
cool with this?
191
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,734
Oh, yeah.
192
00:08:38,734 --> 00:08:40,434
Hey, if I wasn't pregnant,
193
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:42,367
I'd be sitting there
right on that bed
194
00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:45,400
gunning sticks with that boy
all day long.
195
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,834
All right. I can
play this game, too.
196
00:08:47,834 --> 00:08:50,300
Me and Jimmy will sit around
with my cool mom,
197
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,801
and we'll all
get along great.
198
00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:54,934
I'll order pizza
while Mom cleans the bong.
199
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,901
Oh, how very humorous
you are, Darlene.
200
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,534
I know you don't
really smoke.
201
00:09:01,534 --> 00:09:02,734
Oh, you're right, Mom.
202
00:09:02,734 --> 00:09:04,200
This is my first
cigarette ever.
203
00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:10,767
Hey, look. Smoke rings.
204
00:09:14,634 --> 00:09:16,701
And you taught her
all this, didn't you,
205
00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:18,801
you sweaty little freak?
206
00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:20,734
I ought to just snap
your ears off
207
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,167
and shove 'em
in your pocket
208
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,701
so you can hear me
kicking your butt!
209
00:09:24,701 --> 00:09:27,601
Jimmy, I'd like you
to meet my mother.
210
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,501
Oh, whoo!
211
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:41,000
I think the milk
in your mom's breasts
has expired.
212
00:09:45,634 --> 00:09:47,801
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
213
00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:49,734
Yeah, they kinda lose
that new car smell
214
00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:51,734
after a while,
don't they?
215
00:09:51,734 --> 00:09:53,567
Aw, don't cry, baby.
216
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:57,167
Hey. Here. Let me
show you a little trick.
217
00:09:58,601 --> 00:10:01,467
Ah-za-za-za-za-za-
ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
218
00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:05,234
Ba-ba-ba-ba!
219
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:08,067
Wow. You're good
at this father stuff.
220
00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:10,234
Yeah, and if you build up
enough static electricity,
221
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:11,734
he'll stick
right to the wall.
222
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:15,400
Hey, Mr. Conner,
I was wondering.
223
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,067
Do you think there's
any way I could get
a motorcycle?
224
00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:20,200
I've been thinking
about either
a Harley Davidson
225
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,434
or a Hog.
226
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:23,567
Hogs are Harleys.
227
00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:28,100
Oh. That's probably
why the guy at the store
laughed at me, huh?
228
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,200
David, I know
why you're doing this.
229
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,834
You think having a bike
will make you look all tough.
230
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:35,501
No. That's not true,
no way.
231
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:39,834
I mean, unless it had,
like, big flames
painted on the side.
232
00:10:39,834 --> 00:10:42,133
You had a bike
when you were his age.
233
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:43,934
Chicks
love a guy on a bike.
234
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,601
David doesn't want
the kind of girl
235
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:47,334
a motorcycle will attract.
236
00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:48,968
If you don't believe me,
237
00:10:48,968 --> 00:10:51,200
take a good long look
at Mrs. Conner.
238
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,601
Okay. I thought
you'd like the idea.
239
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,534
You don't want him
to get a bike
240
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,734
because you think
Roseanne won't approve.
241
00:11:02,734 --> 00:11:04,467
Pfft. Roseanne.
242
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,701
Let me let you in
on a little-known
secret, Fred.
243
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,133
You know
how around here
244
00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:12,534
it always looks like
Roseanne's in charge
of the kids,
245
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,200
and I'm just along
for the ride?
246
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,767
Yeah.
Flip it.
247
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:17,601
Whoa. Really?
248
00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:19,067
It's true, Fred.
249
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,267
You see, in this case,
250
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:21,934
David's trying
to be a tough guy,
251
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:23,300
just like Darlene's
new boyfriend.
252
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,434
And my years
of experience tell me
253
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:29,434
that David has to feel
good about being David.
254
00:11:29,434 --> 00:11:33,367
Dan,
will you be my dad?
255
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:35,133
D.J.!
256
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,467
Yeah?
257
00:11:38,334 --> 00:11:40,634
That big kid took my pants.
258
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:45,434
Fine. Here.
Put these on.
259
00:11:45,434 --> 00:11:46,601
It wasn't my fault!
260
00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:48,267
I don't want
to hear about it!
261
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:51,067
You don't know what it's like
being hit with your own pants!
262
00:11:53,934 --> 00:11:56,467
Hey, shouldn't you have
told him to fight back?
263
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:59,000
Au contraire, mon Fred.
264
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,200
If I'd
confronted the boy,
265
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,133
he would have released
his anger at me.
266
00:12:02,133 --> 00:12:04,834
This way, he'll direct it
at the bully
267
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:06,300
where it belongs.
268
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,701
You're amazing.
269
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:10,501
No. Just a parent.
270
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:12,734
A parent who goes
from town to town
271
00:12:12,734 --> 00:12:14,667
helping out,
then moving on.
272
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,200
My only hope:
273
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,901
that kids are raised
just a tiny little better
274
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:21,067
because I was there.
275
00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:24,934
[David]
Hey! Hey, D.J.,
stop it!
276
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:27,534
Help me!
Somebody get him off me!
277
00:12:27,534 --> 00:12:29,567
D.J., what the hell
are you doing?
278
00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:31,133
God,
this feels great!
279
00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:34,033
Now I know
why that kid
took my shoes.
280
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,434
D.J., what's
the matter with you?
281
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:42,767
Man, what happened?
Nothing.
282
00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:46,634
D.J. accidentally...
knocked him down.
283
00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:49,267
He's lying. I kicked his butt.
Here, I'll show you again.
284
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,901
That's enough.
285
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:53,000
He caught me
off-guard.
286
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,634
What, did he hit you
while you were knitting?
287
00:12:56,634 --> 00:12:58,501
I wasn't gonna pick
on some little kid.
288
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:00,834
"I wasn't gonna pick
on some little kid."
289
00:13:00,834 --> 00:13:03,267
Mark, out!
D.J., upstairs!
290
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:05,434
Careful, David. I hear
there's a 7-year-old
291
00:13:05,434 --> 00:13:08,167
roaming
around the neighborhood
just looking for trouble.
292
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:13,434
Y-You need some ice?
293
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:23,267
Boy, David's really upset.
294
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:24,701
What are you gonna do, Dan?
295
00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:27,100
Why do you keep asking me
what I'm gonna do?
296
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:29,267
What is it with you
and all the questions?
297
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:32,067
Why can't a guy do
what he's gonna do
without being asked?
298
00:13:34,634 --> 00:13:37,167
You don't know
what to do,
do you, Dan?
299
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:44,400
Just been doing
what Roseanne
told you to do,
300
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,667
haven't you?
301
00:13:49,467 --> 00:13:52,467
You're really a very bad
father, aren't you, Dan?
302
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,968
No, I'm not.
303
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:58,167
I just don't know
what to do with David.
304
00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,434
He scares me, Fred.
305
00:13:59,434 --> 00:14:01,000
He's probably
down there right now
306
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,734
crying or reading
or drawing a horse.
307
00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:05,234
Well, why don't you do
308
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:06,901
what you were trying
to do before?
309
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:08,734
You know, raise
his self-esteem.
310
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:10,968
I don't know how to give
a 17-year-old
311
00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:13,100
who's just been beaten up
by a 12-year-old
312
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,000
self-esteem.
313
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,434
I don't even know
how to give him hope.
314
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:19,834
Tell him that getting
beaten up by a little kid
315
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:22,634
is not gonna make him
any less attractive
to Darlene
316
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:23,767
or any other girl.
317
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,367
That's good, Fred.
318
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:27,567
They say it's best
to open with a joke.
319
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:28,734
I mean it, Dan.
320
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:30,868
You don't have to be
a big tough guy
321
00:14:30,868 --> 00:14:31,901
to be a man.
322
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:33,133
Sometimes
the strongest guys
323
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,300
are the ones who aren't
afraid to be soft.
324
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,200
Yeah, you're right.
325
00:14:38,434 --> 00:14:39,601
Okay.
326
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:43,801
But you know,
if this doesn't work,
327
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:46,167
I'm gonna have to kick
the crap out of you.
328
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,100
I really liked
that recital, Jimmy.
329
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:55,901
I've never been
to a ballet before.
330
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:57,234
Thanks for taking us.
Sure.
331
00:14:57,234 --> 00:14:59,167
Too bad it had
to end so soon.
332
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:00,767
I still
have some feeling
333
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,834
in my left buttock.
334
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:06,234
Now, Roseanne,
I know you enjoyed it.
335
00:15:06,234 --> 00:15:08,267
Well, it is
every mother's dream
336
00:15:08,267 --> 00:15:13,100
to get a good look
at her daughter's
boyfriend's package.
337
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,100
Very classy, Mom.
338
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:18,767
Oh, come on. I wasn't
making fun of his beard
or anything.
339
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:19,968
You know,
I didn't realize
340
00:15:19,968 --> 00:15:23,234
that the Amish were
allowed to dance.
341
00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:25,334
Would you excuse us
for a second?
342
00:15:25,334 --> 00:15:27,767
We want to buy a knickknack
for the bathroom,
343
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:30,067
and we need to see
what the theme is.
344
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:35,801
You--You have got
to give Jimmy a chance.
345
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:37,467
You've been sniping
at him all day.
346
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:39,634
What's the matter,
are you feeling
left out?
347
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,434
You're not being fair.
348
00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:44,501
You expected some horrible guy,
the opposite of David,
349
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,901
and if anything,
he's a lot like David.
350
00:15:46,901 --> 00:15:49,467
Well, if he's
so much like David,
351
00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:51,934
then why doesn't she
just date David?
352
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:53,367
Is that
what this is about?
353
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:55,033
You want her
to be with David,
354
00:15:55,033 --> 00:15:56,300
so you don't like anybody.
355
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:58,667
No. I don't like anybody
356
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,100
because
I don't like anybody.
357
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,534
You like David.
358
00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:04,734
Well, of course I do.
359
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:06,400
He's the nicest boy
in the world,
360
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,334
and I think he was
good for Darlene.
361
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,367
Well, Jimmy might
be good for her.
362
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:12,534
Yeah, so what if he's
not good for me?
363
00:16:12,534 --> 00:16:15,100
Well,
Darlene is gonna bring
364
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,033
a lot of different
guys into your life.
365
00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:18,467
You're not
gonna love 'em all
366
00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:19,901
the way you love David.
367
00:16:19,901 --> 00:16:25,434
I know that, but we were
just all so good together.
368
00:16:25,434 --> 00:16:28,801
She's not coming back.
He's not coming back.
369
00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:32,634
You're the only one
left in their relationship.
370
00:16:32,634 --> 00:16:35,067
Give Jimmy a chance.
371
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,467
All right.
372
00:16:38,634 --> 00:16:41,701
I guess
a mother just never
really gets over
373
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,834
her daughter's
first love.
374
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,033
[flush]
375
00:16:47,033 --> 00:16:49,968
Well, I know
what to get somebody
for their bathroom
376
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,133
next time we visit.
377
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:52,133
Yeah, Renuzit.
378
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:54,667
That's it, you know?
379
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,067
You've been taking cracks
at me and Darlene all day.
380
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,467
Now may not
be the time.
381
00:16:58,467 --> 00:16:59,834
No, Jackie.
I'd like to hear
382
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:01,167
what the lad has to say.
383
00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:03,100
I am not a lad.
I'm a man.
384
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,767
I wish you'd
treat me like one.
385
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,701
You may talk this way
to your family.
386
00:17:06,701 --> 00:17:07,901
When you're
talking to me,
387
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:09,100
I demand
a little respect.
388
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:11,501
Now I think
you should leave.
389
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:19,033
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
390
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,667
Oh,
isn't he the cutest?
391
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:27,334
Yeah. Maybe I was
wrong about him.
392
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:30,334
This might actually
turn out to be fun.
393
00:17:30,334 --> 00:17:31,534
Ahem.
394
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:33,267
Dance for me, boy.
395
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,501
[knocking]
396
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:38,567
[Dan]
David?
397
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,000
Hey, David.
398
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,601
So how's it going?
399
00:17:53,334 --> 00:17:55,167
I'm fine.
400
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:57,467
You got nothing to be
embarrassed about.
401
00:17:57,467 --> 00:17:58,934
So you lost a fight.
402
00:17:58,934 --> 00:18:00,601
It happens
to a lot of guys.
403
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,901
Happened to D.J.
all the time--
404
00:18:02,901 --> 00:18:04,133
before he ran into you.
405
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:06,300
Thanks a lot.
406
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,501
Oh, look, there's
a lot of girls
407
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:10,100
that aren't into
this macho stuff.
408
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:12,167
Look at those girls
in Playboy.
409
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:16,267
Their turn-ons are always
poets and sensitive guys,
410
00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:18,567
crap like that.
411
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:19,968
Just leave me alone.
412
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:20,968
I can't.
413
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:21,968
Why can't you?
414
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,601
I got a good reason,
415
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:25,767
and that good reason's
barreling right
towards this house
416
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:27,067
right about now
417
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,234
about 70 miles an hour
in a 55 zone,
418
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:30,701
slurping a Big Gulp.
419
00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:36,067
So Mrs. Conner is why
you came down here.
420
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,400
Okay. I was wondering.
421
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,634
What's that
supposed to mean?
422
00:18:38,634 --> 00:18:40,067
Just get out, Mr. Conner.
423
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,000
There's no way
I'm leaving now.
424
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,834
I can throw you out
if that's what it's
gonna take.
425
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:57,567
You done?
Go to hell.
426
00:18:57,567 --> 00:18:58,634
Hey.
427
00:18:58,634 --> 00:19:00,767
You don't talk to me
that way.
428
00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:02,701
I came down here
to help you, boy.
429
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:04,634
Oh, don't pretend
like you give a crap.
430
00:19:04,634 --> 00:19:06,834
You don't respect me
enough to give a crap.
431
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:08,767
What are you talking--
I don't respect you?
432
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:09,934
I'm leaving.
433
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:12,534
No, you're not.
Wait a minute.
434
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:16,334
Why is this
all of a sudden
about me and you?
435
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:19,634
I thought we were
talking about
Darlene and you.
436
00:19:19,634 --> 00:19:22,067
Right?
437
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:26,501
David...you got to
help me out here.
438
00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:30,133
Mrs. Conner's real good
about figuring out
people's feelings,
439
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,667
but I'm
not Mrs. Conner.
440
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,434
I'm a regular person.
441
00:19:34,901 --> 00:19:36,534
Look,
I know it's weird for you
442
00:19:36,534 --> 00:19:38,000
having me
living in your house,
443
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,734
especially now that I'm not
going with Darlene anymore.
So?
444
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:43,033
So I thought I'd make
things easier for us.
445
00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:45,567
Wait a minute.
446
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:47,868
Is that what
all this talking
447
00:19:47,868 --> 00:19:50,601
about fighting
and motorcycles was,
448
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:51,767
to impress me?
449
00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:54,033
I thought it would
make things less weird
450
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:55,567
if we had stuff in common.
451
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:57,634
You mean I figured it out?
452
00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:02,567
Hey, David, we don't have
to like the same stuff
453
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,767
for me to respect you.
454
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:04,767
Forget it.
455
00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:05,767
No, i-it's true.
456
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,200
Ah, I mean,
in high school,
457
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,367
I used to be jealous
of guys like you
458
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,701
because
I knew deep down
459
00:20:10,701 --> 00:20:11,901
they were better
than me.
460
00:20:11,901 --> 00:20:13,267
Oh,
you're making that up.
461
00:20:13,267 --> 00:20:14,868
Of course I am!
462
00:20:14,868 --> 00:20:17,667
But doesn't it prove
how much I like you
463
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:20,868
that I'd make up
such a ridiculous lie?
464
00:20:20,868 --> 00:20:23,534
I just figured you were
only letting me live here
465
00:20:23,534 --> 00:20:25,200
because Mrs. Conner
was making you.
466
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,634
Listen, David, even
if Mrs. Conner wanted
to throw you out,
467
00:20:28,634 --> 00:20:30,567
she'd have to throw me
out first.
468
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,234
And I may not
look like much,
469
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:33,567
but I'm wiry.
470
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:34,934
You mean it?
471
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,300
Absolutely.
472
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:37,434
Hey.
473
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,601
You're one of the Conners
now, huh?
474
00:20:41,601 --> 00:20:43,400
Abandon all hope.
475
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,968
Sorry
I took that swing at you.
476
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,567
No problem.
477
00:20:49,701 --> 00:20:51,000
You know,
this is great.
478
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,033
Yeah?
479
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,033
Yeah.
480
00:20:53,033 --> 00:20:54,200
We did something here
481
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,734
that our family
rarely does:
482
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:58,334
solved a problem
without the cops.
483
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:03,267
Good. Good. I mean,
I feel closer to you now.
484
00:21:03,267 --> 00:21:06,467
Yeah, me, too.
Yeah, this is great.
485
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:08,400
And now that you
know how I feel,
486
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,834
Mrs. Conner
doesn't have to be
487
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:12,367
the only one
you can talk to
in this house.
488
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:13,334
All right.
Yeah.
489
00:21:19,634 --> 00:21:21,167
When's Mrs. Conner
coming home?
490
00:21:21,167 --> 00:21:24,701
Soon! I'd better go see
if she's almost here.
491
00:21:25,801 --> 00:21:26,968
This is good.
492
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:27,901
I know.
493
00:21:35,601 --> 00:21:37,534
I got to hand it
to you, Dan.
494
00:21:37,534 --> 00:21:39,300
You got this parenting
thing down.
495
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:40,467
You're a great father.
496
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,601
Kinda like
the Great Dantini.
497
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:45,534
Come on, Fred. You gonna
talk or play ball?
498
00:21:45,534 --> 00:21:48,167
You know, none of us
have ever beat you
at anything.
499
00:21:48,167 --> 00:21:50,701
Not softball,
fixing cars,
500
00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:53,267
not parenting, nothing.
501
00:21:54,868 --> 00:21:55,934
Uhh!
502
00:21:55,934 --> 00:21:58,767
Game over. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
503
00:21:58,767 --> 00:22:02,267
Come on, Jocko. You got
to win by two baskets.
504
00:22:02,267 --> 00:22:03,267
You said one.
505
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:05,033
I changed my mind.
506
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,033
Guard me.
507
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,467
I'm not gonna guard you,
Dan. I won.
508
00:22:08,467 --> 00:22:10,801
Hey, Mama's boy.
509
00:22:12,033 --> 00:22:16,033
Mama's boy.
You gonna cry? Huh?
510
00:22:16,033 --> 00:22:17,634
Come on, Mama's boy.
511
00:22:17,634 --> 00:22:19,534
Squirt me a few.
Come on.
512
00:22:19,534 --> 00:22:21,434
Let me see you cry.
513
00:22:21,434 --> 00:22:24,634
Come on, little girl.
1, 2, 3, cry.
514
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:26,067
You're my favorite
sister-in-law, Fred.
515
00:22:26,067 --> 00:22:27,501
I swear to God,
516
00:22:27,501 --> 00:22:29,400
you're my sweetest
little girl.
517
00:22:35,834 --> 00:22:37,033
Fred, I don't want you
518
00:22:37,033 --> 00:22:38,801
to think of me
as your commander.
519
00:22:38,801 --> 00:22:40,934
I want you
to think of me as...
520
00:22:40,934 --> 00:22:42,601
well, God.
521
00:22:44,367 --> 00:22:48,033
[Roseanne]
Dan! Kids! I'm home!
522
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:49,400
[whimpering]
523
00:22:55,501 --> 00:22:58,434
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
36875
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