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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,109 --> 00:00:04,109 Okay, Jan. Wow. 2 00:00:04,187 --> 00:00:05,277 What am I looking at? 3 00:00:05,379 --> 00:00:07,579 I call it "Jan vs. Predator." 4 00:00:07,689 --> 00:00:10,349 - Hm. And who comes out on top? - Predator. 5 00:00:10,417 --> 00:00:11,783 Thanks so much, Jan. 6 00:00:12,753 --> 00:00:14,019 Blech! 7 00:00:14,111 --> 00:00:16,685 Feels like I'm trapped in "Antiques Roadshow: Harrisburg." 8 00:00:16,748 --> 00:00:19,048 Oh, thank God! A friend! 9 00:00:19,150 --> 00:00:21,117 Here to bail me out with the perfect, unique, 10 00:00:21,219 --> 00:00:22,952 well-thought-out donation. 11 00:00:23,054 --> 00:00:24,520 - Steak knives? Wow. - I'm sorry. 12 00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:27,123 Work has just gotten so crazy, I didn't have time to curate 13 00:00:27,191 --> 00:00:29,058 one of my signature silent auction baskets. 14 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,261 And I'm not going to donate a non-curated basket. 15 00:00:32,363 --> 00:00:33,415 Give the man a break. 16 00:00:33,493 --> 00:00:34,962 He does the weather every time Guy McCormick is sick. 17 00:00:35,032 --> 00:00:37,466 And, let's face it, he's sick, like, three times a week. 18 00:00:37,568 --> 00:00:39,034 "Sick"? Please. The man drinks. 19 00:00:39,129 --> 00:00:40,780 Mr. McCormick has checked into a facility. 20 00:00:40,805 --> 00:00:42,037 That's all I'm allowed to say. 21 00:00:42,106 --> 00:00:44,340 But it does mean that I'm going to be doing the weather 22 00:00:44,409 --> 00:00:46,609 for the next 28 nights. 23 00:00:46,711 --> 00:00:48,626 Will, I'm very happy that you've become a local celebrity. 24 00:00:48,704 --> 00:00:50,969 - No! - But that doesn't help me right now. 25 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:52,797 Right now, what I need from you is an auction item. 26 00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:55,785 Are you blind? Will is the item! 27 00:00:55,887 --> 00:00:58,154 Celebrity is the most precious metal we have. 28 00:00:58,222 --> 00:00:59,522 It's our Vibranium! 29 00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:00,823 You mean I'm like Black Panther? 30 00:01:00,925 --> 00:01:02,324 - No. - Sorry. 31 00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:03,692 It was in front of my face the whole time. 32 00:01:03,795 --> 00:01:06,031 Will, you are the item! 33 00:01:06,056 --> 00:01:07,155 Can I put you in the auction? 34 00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:09,490 You mean like be someone's butler for a month? Sure. 35 00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:11,066 No, but it's weird that you'd be okay with that. 36 00:01:11,169 --> 00:01:12,368 I mean a lunch. 37 00:01:12,437 --> 00:01:14,470 A meal with a local 10:00 P.M. fill-in weatherman 38 00:01:14,539 --> 00:01:16,038 could be just the pop this auction needs. 39 00:01:16,107 --> 00:01:17,740 Maybe. 40 00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:19,975 I mean, my star is on the rise. 41 00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:22,077 Finally got my own lapel mic, 42 00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:23,846 unlimited access to the green screen, 43 00:01:23,948 --> 00:01:26,549 and I'm really honing in on my on-air laugh. 44 00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:28,050 Ah ha ha ha ha! 45 00:01:28,119 --> 00:01:29,351 Back to you, Julie. 46 00:01:30,755 --> 00:01:32,521 - I'm in! - Yes! 47 00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:34,056 Blank CDs? Unh-unh. 48 00:01:34,158 --> 00:01:35,825 Keep walking. Don't even set those down. 49 00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:37,226 Do better, Celeste! 50 00:01:37,328 --> 00:01:40,529 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 51 00:01:45,069 --> 00:01:47,236 "Gift card... balance unknown." 52 00:01:47,338 --> 00:01:49,305 - D'Amato, you donated this? - Yeah. 53 00:01:49,407 --> 00:01:51,261 I have no idea how much is on there. 54 00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:53,152 Could be $250, could be $12. 55 00:01:53,236 --> 00:01:54,425 That's what makes it so exciting 56 00:01:54,449 --> 00:01:55,545 - to bid on! - Yeah. 57 00:01:55,546 --> 00:01:57,079 I'm jealous of everyone here. 58 00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:58,981 - What'd you donate? - This. 59 00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,150 I can't wait to see what someone's willing to pay 60 00:02:01,252 --> 00:02:02,585 for $100. 61 00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,187 Oh, well, if the bidding's low, I'm gonna jump in. 62 00:02:05,256 --> 00:02:07,790 Today I got the news that every parent dreads most. 63 00:02:07,892 --> 00:02:10,159 I have signed up to participate 64 00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:12,428 in the sport of ice hockey. 65 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,567 It's the most expensive sport on the plant, 66 00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:20,536 unless you count fencing, which I don't. 67 00:02:20,605 --> 00:02:23,038 Yeah, diving's the dream. No gear of any kind. 68 00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:25,875 It's 1/5 of a normal sports uniform. 69 00:02:25,977 --> 00:02:28,143 Just a Speedo and a towel. 70 00:02:28,246 --> 00:02:29,845 And I already have towels. 71 00:02:29,947 --> 00:02:32,694 Listen, if Pee-Wee Sports is driving you to financial ruin, 72 00:02:32,780 --> 00:02:34,483 then you're doing something wrong. 73 00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:35,784 Let's take a look at your budget. 74 00:02:35,887 --> 00:02:37,786 If you even have one. 75 00:02:37,889 --> 00:02:38,954 I'm a single mother living in 76 00:02:39,056 --> 00:02:41,290 the second most expensive city in the country. 77 00:02:41,392 --> 00:02:42,458 I budget. 78 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,026 I budget hard. 79 00:02:45,997 --> 00:02:47,162 Hey. 80 00:02:47,265 --> 00:02:49,169 Am I allowed to be here? I mean, what are the rules? 81 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,833 Is it like a candidate not being allowed 82 00:02:50,935 --> 00:02:52,968 within 100 feet of a polling place or... 83 00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:54,737 Wait, nobody's bid on me yet? 84 00:02:54,839 --> 00:02:56,438 The auction just started, 85 00:02:56,507 --> 00:02:58,173 and no one goes near the big-ticket items 86 00:02:58,276 --> 00:02:59,708 until they're at least two Cabs deep. 87 00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:00,976 And you're a big-ticket item. 88 00:03:01,078 --> 00:03:02,478 - Cool. - Yeah. 89 00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:04,413 You hear that? We're the big-ticket item. 90 00:03:04,482 --> 00:03:05,447 All right, Dad. 91 00:03:05,550 --> 00:03:07,816 Self-directed pep talk over. Take a lap. 92 00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,919 Yeah, yeah, a lap. That's a good idea. 93 00:03:15,927 --> 00:03:17,059 Okay. 94 00:03:17,128 --> 00:03:19,762 My dad's self-esteem pendulum is very lubricated. 95 00:03:19,797 --> 00:03:22,064 It swings far and fast in both directions. 96 00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:25,067 And now that he's on TV, it's even worse. 97 00:03:25,169 --> 00:03:26,535 Sophie, the promo's starting! 98 00:03:26,637 --> 00:03:28,404 It's starting! 99 00:03:28,472 --> 00:03:29,977 Who is KZOP at 10:00? 100 00:03:30,047 --> 00:03:32,649 It's news with anchor Julie Fong-Nunez! 101 00:03:32,735 --> 00:03:35,303 Investigative journalism with Loni McGraw! 102 00:03:35,413 --> 00:03:38,530 "What's Yummy Now?" with Chef Martin Bullrock@ 103 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,655 Sports with Chet Corners! 104 00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:42,017 And weather! 105 00:03:42,086 --> 00:03:44,820 KZOP at 10:00. We got you. 106 00:03:44,922 --> 00:03:46,422 Leave me. 107 00:03:46,490 --> 00:03:48,171 Ooh, I love that sun. 108 00:03:48,264 --> 00:03:50,359 You can tell by his sunglasses that he's nasty. 109 00:03:50,421 --> 00:03:52,094 That sun made my dad cry. 110 00:03:52,163 --> 00:03:54,096 Poppy, someone has to bid on him. 111 00:03:54,198 --> 00:03:55,965 This isn't just a silent auction. 112 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:57,132 This is a man's life. 113 00:03:57,234 --> 00:03:58,534 You're right. 114 00:03:58,636 --> 00:04:01,167 Crap. Garbage. Trash. 115 00:04:01,230 --> 00:04:02,763 Garbage. 116 00:04:02,873 --> 00:04:04,273 Yoga pants for a dog?! 117 00:04:04,342 --> 00:04:06,260 Stop dressing your dogs, America. 118 00:04:06,326 --> 00:04:07,542 Dogs should be naked. 119 00:04:10,848 --> 00:04:12,581 What do we have here? 120 00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:14,717 Oh, my gosh, you poor thing. 121 00:04:14,795 --> 00:04:16,097 Shh, shh, shh, shh. 122 00:04:16,145 --> 00:04:18,619 It's okay. It's okay. You don't have to be scared anymore. 123 00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:20,623 I will make you fly again. 124 00:04:20,691 --> 00:04:22,191 Do you girls have any idea what this is? 125 00:04:22,293 --> 00:04:23,492 A hat. 126 00:04:23,561 --> 00:04:25,636 A hat? A hat?! 127 00:04:25,663 --> 00:04:27,043 This is a beret. 128 00:04:27,113 --> 00:04:28,530 French sophistication distilled 129 00:04:28,633 --> 00:04:31,634 into one timeless piece of headwear. 130 00:04:31,736 --> 00:04:33,402 And it will be mine. 131 00:04:33,504 --> 00:04:35,537 Miggy, shut up. This is important. 132 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,339 I need an adult to bid on this beret for me. 133 00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:39,508 That thing? Why? 134 00:04:39,543 --> 00:04:40,643 Geez, Grandpa. 135 00:04:40,745 --> 00:04:42,778 Because, like Monica Lewinsky, 136 00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,381 K-pop singer Min-ho, and Jack Nicholson as the Joker, 137 00:04:45,483 --> 00:04:46,949 I have style. You don't. 138 00:04:47,018 --> 00:04:48,350 I adopt early. You don't. 139 00:04:48,452 --> 00:04:49,785 I lead, and you... 140 00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:50,886 have no taste. 141 00:04:50,988 --> 00:04:52,354 If you're gonna be mean about it, forget it. 142 00:04:52,423 --> 00:04:54,456 - Your mom can bid on it. - Please? 143 00:04:54,558 --> 00:04:56,825 - Fine. - Follow me, girls. 144 00:04:56,927 --> 00:04:59,261 Jocelyn's dad is auctioning one of his "ceramics," 145 00:04:59,363 --> 00:05:00,796 and I have thoughts. 146 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,799 Okay, rent looks good. 147 00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,200 What is this tab labeled? 148 00:05:05,302 --> 00:05:07,102 That's my convenience tax. I can't touch that. 149 00:05:07,138 --> 00:05:08,470 What's a convenience tax? 150 00:05:08,572 --> 00:05:10,539 It's money I spend to make my life a little easier. 151 00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:13,342 I... I'm too busy juggling Graham 152 00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:15,044 and my full-time job and all my hobbies, 153 00:05:15,112 --> 00:05:16,945 like breathing and sleeping and drinking water, 154 00:05:17,048 --> 00:05:19,248 so sometimes I pay a little more for certain necessities. 155 00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:21,216 What kind of necessity? Like food? 156 00:05:21,318 --> 00:05:22,518 Delivery, yep. 157 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:25,254 Lots of food delivery, some expedited shipping. 158 00:05:25,322 --> 00:05:27,956 Maybe I'll park in a red zone here or there or here again. 159 00:05:28,059 --> 00:05:30,572 But trust me, it's all very, very necessary. 160 00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,561 Uh-huh. Is it necessary to pay $8 161 00:05:32,663 --> 00:05:34,496 for a quart of gas station milk? 162 00:05:34,565 --> 00:05:37,099 If all I need is gas and milk, I'm not making two stops. 163 00:05:37,201 --> 00:05:38,267 Yeah, but it's just not milk. 164 00:05:38,369 --> 00:05:39,601 You're paying gas station prices 165 00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:41,970 for toilet paper, batteries... 166 00:05:42,073 --> 00:05:43,138 salsa? 167 00:05:43,174 --> 00:05:44,573 Hey, when the grocery store starts selling gas, 168 00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:46,642 they'll start seeing my salsa dollars again. 169 00:05:46,744 --> 00:05:47,976 O-Okay, I can't take this anymore. 170 00:05:48,045 --> 00:05:51,380 I'm gonna show you how to turn your "convenience tax" 171 00:05:51,482 --> 00:05:52,648 into hockey pads. 172 00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,383 But I'm gonna have to take over your life. 173 00:05:54,485 --> 00:05:55,951 Fine. My life is all yours. 174 00:05:56,053 --> 00:05:57,720 But I must warn you... 175 00:05:57,788 --> 00:05:58,954 there's this guy in my life 176 00:05:59,056 --> 00:06:01,223 that's gonna be a real pain in your ass. 177 00:06:01,325 --> 00:06:03,459 His name is Douglas. 178 00:06:03,561 --> 00:06:05,527 You worked hard for that one. 179 00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:07,529 I'm gonna let you enjoy it. 180 00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,166 All right, did two laps... 181 00:06:11,268 --> 00:06:12,901 a counterclockwise and a clockwise. 182 00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,578 I just don't want to overdevelop one thigh. 183 00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:16,430 Well, I hope those symmetrical thighs are ready 184 00:06:16,474 --> 00:06:18,474 to sit down and have lunch with an adoring fan, 185 00:06:18,509 --> 00:06:20,375 because you are getting a lot of bids. 186 00:06:20,478 --> 00:06:22,111 Really? I am? 187 00:06:22,213 --> 00:06:23,245 Oh, that's such a relief. 188 00:06:23,314 --> 00:06:25,331 Okay, so, how much am I going for? 189 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,549 Three figures? Four? What's the gender breakdown? 190 00:06:27,618 --> 00:06:29,017 You know what? La, la, la, la, la, la! 191 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,853 I don't want to know. 192 00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:32,454 - Lap. - That's a good idea. 193 00:06:34,191 --> 00:06:36,825 He hasn't gotten a single bid. What if we change it to 194 00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:38,660 "Lunch and Hike with KZOP's Will Cooper, 195 00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:40,262 Who Will Also Hand Detail Your Car"? 196 00:06:40,364 --> 00:06:42,100 Or "Lunch and a dot, dot, dot, question mark"? 197 00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:43,472 Kind of implying that it starts with lunch, 198 00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:45,000 but where it goes from there is unwritten. 199 00:06:45,102 --> 00:06:46,902 Ew! You're talking about my father. 200 00:06:47,004 --> 00:06:48,070 Sorry. It's just really easy 201 00:06:48,172 --> 00:06:49,605 to forget that you're a child sometimes. 202 00:06:49,707 --> 00:06:51,206 I know. 203 00:06:51,308 --> 00:06:52,930 I'll just bid on him. Hm? 204 00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:54,782 No! That's a pity bid! 205 00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:56,376 We need a real person to win this thing. 206 00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:57,944 Final bids, please. 207 00:06:57,968 --> 00:06:58,982 - Final bids. - Oh, God, I'm blanking! 208 00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:00,937 I can't think of a single real person who isn't me. 209 00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:02,718 - Who should I put down? - Someone who eats lunch 210 00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:04,987 and can act like a fan of KZOP's Will Cooper. 211 00:07:05,089 --> 00:07:06,622 I don't know any actors! 212 00:07:06,724 --> 00:07:08,957 Actually... 213 00:07:09,059 --> 00:07:11,193 wait a minute. 214 00:07:12,263 --> 00:07:14,984 Dr. Biscuits, have I got a role for you. 215 00:07:15,064 --> 00:07:16,897 I'm listening. 216 00:07:20,922 --> 00:07:24,364 I'm sorry, Ms. Banks. I won't play a fan. 217 00:07:24,435 --> 00:07:26,201 Oh, please, Dr. Biscuits. I... 218 00:07:26,270 --> 00:07:28,337 I will play a superfan! 219 00:07:28,372 --> 00:07:30,963 Thank you. Thank you so much. 220 00:07:31,057 --> 00:07:32,474 Now, his daughter goes to school here, 221 00:07:32,576 --> 00:07:33,742 so you've probably already met. 222 00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:35,344 But I was thinking that you could say... 223 00:07:35,412 --> 00:07:36,445 Ah, ah! 224 00:07:36,547 --> 00:07:38,747 I will work out my own backstory, thank you. 225 00:07:38,816 --> 00:07:40,115 Okay. Sorry. 226 00:07:40,184 --> 00:07:42,284 Well, I guess all you need to know is that his name is... 227 00:07:42,386 --> 00:07:43,452 Ah, ah! 228 00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:45,654 I will do my own research, thank you. 229 00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:47,489 Okay. 230 00:07:47,558 --> 00:07:49,458 Well, is there anything you need from me at all or... 231 00:07:49,526 --> 00:07:52,261 I need an item of his clothing, recently worn. 232 00:07:52,363 --> 00:07:53,428 Or a photograph. 233 00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:55,264 I got a photo of him on my phone. 234 00:07:55,366 --> 00:07:56,431 Please, print it out. 235 00:07:56,533 --> 00:07:58,867 Place it in an unmarked manilla envelope 236 00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,669 on the windscreen of the car 237 00:08:00,738 --> 00:08:01,937 bearing this bumper-plate number 238 00:08:02,006 --> 00:08:03,438 in precisely one week from today. 239 00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:04,506 There's a printer outside, 240 00:08:04,608 --> 00:08:05,607 so I'll just slide it under your door. 241 00:08:05,676 --> 00:08:07,042 Thank you so much. 242 00:08:09,213 --> 00:08:10,779 Very well! 243 00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,614 You know, when I was in med school, 244 00:08:12,683 --> 00:08:13,815 I always prided myself 245 00:08:13,918 --> 00:08:17,519 on being as fiscally anal as I was poor. 246 00:08:17,621 --> 00:08:20,322 They used to call me "Nurse Spreadsheets." 247 00:08:20,391 --> 00:08:21,857 Ohhhhh! 248 00:08:21,926 --> 00:08:23,625 Right, my budget thing. 249 00:08:23,727 --> 00:08:26,862 For a second there, I totally forgot why you were here. 250 00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:27,930 You want some coffee? 251 00:08:27,998 --> 00:08:28,997 I'd love coffee. 252 00:08:29,099 --> 00:08:30,632 Great. 253 00:08:34,571 --> 00:08:35,804 Thought we wanted coffee. 254 00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:37,172 We do. 255 00:08:37,274 --> 00:08:38,473 Yeah, coffee comes from the coffee place. 256 00:08:38,575 --> 00:08:39,875 Yes, it does. 257 00:08:39,944 --> 00:08:43,078 Three times a day, at $6 a pop. 258 00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:45,681 Oh, hello, teachable moment. 259 00:08:47,451 --> 00:08:48,684 No. No! 260 00:08:48,786 --> 00:08:50,852 I-I-I... I need my coffee place. 261 00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:52,521 It's on the way from here to school 262 00:08:52,623 --> 00:08:54,022 and on the way from school to work 263 00:08:54,124 --> 00:08:55,557 and on the way from work to here. 264 00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:56,825 It's a miracle of geography, 265 00:08:56,894 --> 00:08:58,427 and it's what makes my life possible. 266 00:08:58,529 --> 00:09:00,929 Okay, well, look at this, huh? 267 00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:04,132 No, but this takes so long! 268 00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:07,347 And at my coffee place, I have a barista, Trish, 269 00:09:07,438 --> 00:09:09,338 and she always has my latte waiting for me. 270 00:09:09,406 --> 00:09:11,039 I'm your Trish now. 271 00:09:13,110 --> 00:09:16,111 You guys should be free to roll around on the floor of my car. 272 00:09:16,213 --> 00:09:17,546 We're breaking their spirit! 273 00:09:17,614 --> 00:09:19,314 Pennies belong in a bank... 274 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:22,184 or dumped in a tube sock and used for self-defense. 275 00:09:22,286 --> 00:09:24,853 Hockey pads, hockey pads, 276 00:09:24,922 --> 00:09:26,455 h-h-hockey pads. 277 00:09:26,523 --> 00:09:28,423 Six pairs of the same sunglasses? 278 00:09:28,525 --> 00:09:29,691 I'm gonna lose half of them. 279 00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,526 You always have more sunglasses than you need 280 00:09:31,595 --> 00:09:33,128 because some of them aren't gonna make it. 281 00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,796 Like with babies at the turn of the century. 282 00:09:40,904 --> 00:09:42,571 You did a great job. 283 00:09:43,741 --> 00:09:45,707 Okay. 284 00:09:45,776 --> 00:09:47,376 Thank you. 285 00:09:49,113 --> 00:09:51,013 Just gonna be you today, champ? 286 00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:51,991 Champ?! 287 00:09:52,016 --> 00:09:53,048 Don't you know who this is? 288 00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:54,983 This is KZOP's Will Cooper! 289 00:09:55,019 --> 00:09:57,152 Now, how about you get us the two most expensive things 290 00:09:57,254 --> 00:09:58,353 on the menu? 291 00:09:58,422 --> 00:09:59,888 Both for him. I'm too nervous to eat. 292 00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:01,790 - Dr. Biscuits? - Yes. 293 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,058 I didn't know you were a fan. 294 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,526 - I'm not. - Oh. 295 00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,028 I'm a superfan. 296 00:10:07,331 --> 00:10:09,064 But at school, you've never mentioned... 297 00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:10,198 Oh! I don't care about me. 298 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,500 I care about three things... 299 00:10:11,602 --> 00:10:14,179 you, the weather, and where they overlap. Go. 300 00:10:14,204 --> 00:10:15,537 All right. 301 00:10:15,639 --> 00:10:17,406 Where would you like to start? 302 00:10:17,474 --> 00:10:19,374 Denver Presbyterian Hospital, 303 00:10:19,443 --> 00:10:22,711 May 6, 1983, 8:45 A.M. 304 00:10:22,813 --> 00:10:25,614 Bud and Lucile Cooper welcome into the world 305 00:10:25,682 --> 00:10:28,750 a beautiful 7-pound, 5-ounce baby boy. 306 00:10:28,819 --> 00:10:32,020 The high was 68, the low, 40. 307 00:10:32,122 --> 00:10:35,624 - With a mild chance of hail. - Mild chance of hail. 308 00:10:35,726 --> 00:10:36,825 Wow. 309 00:10:36,894 --> 00:10:38,894 Never stop talking to me. 310 00:10:40,364 --> 00:10:42,297 Oh. Come on in. 311 00:10:42,383 --> 00:10:43,932 But please, keep your shoes on. 312 00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:46,001 I've just always wanted to say that. 313 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:47,069 Refresh my memory. 314 00:10:47,171 --> 00:10:48,570 Who did you say outbid me for the beret? 315 00:10:48,672 --> 00:10:51,440 Anonymous. They're... anonymous. 316 00:10:51,542 --> 00:10:53,708 Why would someone who wanted to remain anonymous 317 00:10:53,811 --> 00:10:56,478 buy the most eye-catching hat civilization has ever produced? 318 00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:58,213 - They wouldn't. - Doesn't add up. 319 00:10:58,315 --> 00:10:59,448 Easy. 320 00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:02,098 See, they're shy with names but not with hats. 321 00:11:02,168 --> 00:11:05,520 - You feel me? - Or they want to get caught. 322 00:11:05,622 --> 00:11:06,888 Care to explain what you're doing here, 323 00:11:06,990 --> 00:11:08,790 other than dying of thirst? 324 00:11:09,493 --> 00:11:10,992 Miggy, why would you do this? 325 00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,599 'Cause you said I have no taste. 326 00:11:12,709 --> 00:11:14,429 I should've known. Curse of the trendsetter... 327 00:11:14,531 --> 00:11:16,990 everything you love will be ruined by normos. 328 00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:18,066 Find her! 329 00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:19,232 Remember our orders! 330 00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,269 The beret must not be harmed! 331 00:11:24,541 --> 00:11:25,640 Daah! 332 00:11:25,709 --> 00:11:26,942 Oh! Oh, God! 333 00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:28,777 Oh! No, please! 334 00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:29,845 Ah! 335 00:11:29,913 --> 00:11:31,079 Ah! I tap. 336 00:11:31,181 --> 00:11:32,647 I tap! 337 00:11:37,354 --> 00:11:38,620 Next time, I won't be so kind. 338 00:11:38,689 --> 00:11:39,888 Thank you? 339 00:11:44,361 --> 00:11:47,896 Thief! You suck! That beret needs me! 340 00:11:47,965 --> 00:11:49,064 Let's get to work. 341 00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:52,033 I'll get it back! You don't deserve that beret! 342 00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:53,702 Sleep with your eyes open! 343 00:11:53,737 --> 00:11:56,905 I still don't understand. Dad knows Dr. Biscuits. 344 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,974 - Is he in a disguise? - Nope. 345 00:11:59,076 --> 00:12:00,775 Costume, maybe. Could be some props. 346 00:12:00,844 --> 00:12:02,477 But Biscuits is playing himself... 347 00:12:02,579 --> 00:12:04,779 just himself as a Will Cooper superfan. 348 00:12:04,848 --> 00:12:06,748 Biscuits is an amazing actor. 349 00:12:06,850 --> 00:12:08,483 - What's he been in? - I don't know. 350 00:12:08,585 --> 00:12:09,818 Good evening. 351 00:12:09,887 --> 00:12:11,686 Yes... Will Cooper. 352 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,687 I know. 353 00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:13,632 Hey, Poppy. 354 00:12:13,657 --> 00:12:14,856 Bloody Mary with bacon 355 00:12:14,958 --> 00:12:17,359 and a tiny burger on the straw. 356 00:12:17,461 --> 00:12:18,560 We don't have those. 357 00:12:18,629 --> 00:12:20,428 Can't believe I used to come here. 358 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,899 - So... fun lunch? - Fun? 359 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:25,834 Um, it was revelatory. 360 00:12:27,004 --> 00:12:28,470 Oh, no. 361 00:12:28,572 --> 00:12:30,205 I've been spotted. 362 00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:32,494 Hey. 363 00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,142 You're why I do it. 364 00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:38,090 Okay, you weren't kidding about your dad's self-esteem pendulum. 365 00:12:38,184 --> 00:12:40,182 One lunch, and now he's ordering straw burgers? 366 00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:42,350 I'm starting to think this Biscuits thing was a mistake. 367 00:12:42,452 --> 00:12:44,519 - Well, there's no going back now. - Why not? 368 00:12:44,588 --> 00:12:46,087 Do you not understand pendulums? 369 00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:47,656 If my dad finds out the truth, 370 00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:50,292 he'll swing back even harder in the other direction. 371 00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,127 He could turn in his trench coat 372 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,628 and leave the weather biz forever. 373 00:12:53,697 --> 00:12:55,697 Trench coat? Who's still wearing trench coats? 374 00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:57,165 He needs to get rid of that anyway. 375 00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,367 - You guys whispering about me? - Yes, yes. 376 00:12:59,436 --> 00:13:01,069 Great. Let's keep the convo there and drill down. 377 00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:04,184 See, the thing about me is, I don't have a fan. 378 00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,200 I have a superfan! 379 00:13:06,343 --> 00:13:08,276 In fact, I have a lot of them. 380 00:13:08,378 --> 00:13:10,551 They have a group text. Guess what they text about. 381 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,215 Me! People love me! 382 00:13:13,283 --> 00:13:15,917 But for some reason, I still don't have my own office 383 00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:17,552 and I have to park in the overflow lot 384 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,622 and I was bumped from the promo for a cartoon sun. 385 00:13:20,691 --> 00:13:21,823 You know what? 386 00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:25,393 I'm gonna call KZOP right now, and I am going to demand 387 00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:26,795 that they re-shoot the promo 388 00:13:26,863 --> 00:13:29,264 and give my superfans what they want... 389 00:13:29,289 --> 00:13:30,265 me! 390 00:13:30,290 --> 00:13:32,067 And if they say no, I'll quit. 391 00:13:32,169 --> 00:13:33,835 Sophie! 392 00:13:33,937 --> 00:13:36,605 Great. Now Tracy Fries is gonna have a missed call from me. 393 00:13:36,707 --> 00:13:38,240 How am I gonna explain that? 394 00:13:40,244 --> 00:13:41,343 I'm sorry, Dad. 395 00:13:41,411 --> 00:13:43,979 But your superfan, he's... 396 00:13:44,881 --> 00:13:46,047 ...not real. 397 00:13:48,151 --> 00:13:51,253 Will, I wrote Biscuits' name down in a panic, 398 00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:53,588 and I asked him to play the role of your superfan. 399 00:13:53,690 --> 00:13:55,423 I am so sorry. 400 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,060 Oh. I see. 401 00:13:59,162 --> 00:14:01,296 Well, I have just gone 402 00:14:01,398 --> 00:14:06,601 from experiencing a high of euphoria 403 00:14:06,703 --> 00:14:08,003 to a low... 404 00:14:08,105 --> 00:14:09,237 of now. 405 00:14:10,707 --> 00:14:12,274 Back to you, Julie. 406 00:14:16,813 --> 00:14:18,013 Tracy Fries? 407 00:14:18,115 --> 00:14:19,914 Yeah, yeah, no, I called. 408 00:14:19,983 --> 00:14:23,585 Just to say how much I've been enjoying the overflow lot. 409 00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:25,587 Nah, it couldn't wait. 410 00:14:25,689 --> 00:14:27,389 Ugh. What a day! 411 00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:28,823 I can't believe how much money 412 00:14:28,892 --> 00:14:30,625 I was giving that kid next door to take my trash cans in. 413 00:14:30,727 --> 00:14:32,495 Yeah, it felt good to make him cry. 414 00:14:32,542 --> 00:14:35,130 Now that he's off the books, Graham can play hockey... 415 00:14:35,232 --> 00:14:37,532 in pads that he'll outgrow in a month. 416 00:14:37,601 --> 00:14:40,869 Douglas, I could never have done this without you... 417 00:14:40,971 --> 00:14:42,370 forcing me to do this. 418 00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:43,422 Thank you. 419 00:14:47,978 --> 00:14:49,778 Welcome to my home. How may I help you? 420 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,346 Angie. 421 00:14:51,448 --> 00:14:53,048 W-What's happening? 422 00:14:53,116 --> 00:14:54,783 I ordered you a treat to say thank you 423 00:14:54,885 --> 00:14:57,118 for teaching me how to be financially responsible. 424 00:14:58,722 --> 00:15:00,962 - How much were these? - It's not important. 425 00:15:01,032 --> 00:15:02,324 - $28. - Wh... ah... 426 00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:05,193 I-I'm not eating a $14 cupcake! 427 00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:06,328 We want to return those. 428 00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:07,662 Have you learned nothing?! 429 00:15:07,764 --> 00:15:09,064 Relax, Douglas. 430 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:11,232 We made so much money today! 431 00:15:11,335 --> 00:15:13,868 I-I slashed my convenience tax burden in half. 432 00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:16,237 There should be no convenience tax burden. 433 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,340 The convenience tax is you being lazy. 434 00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:22,143 Okay, rich white man 435 00:15:22,245 --> 00:15:24,179 with an in-home sauna who works three days a week. 436 00:15:24,281 --> 00:15:25,560 I'm lazy? 437 00:15:25,646 --> 00:15:28,183 Okay, you're on your own. Go back to farting away your money. 438 00:15:28,251 --> 00:15:29,517 Fine! I will, then! 439 00:15:29,619 --> 00:15:31,419 Not the farting part, but the "being on my own" part. 440 00:15:31,521 --> 00:15:32,821 I don't need your help. 441 00:15:33,924 --> 00:15:35,557 Excuse me. 442 00:15:35,659 --> 00:15:37,354 Did a dude named Ken used to live here? 443 00:15:37,427 --> 00:15:38,789 - Get out. - 'Cause I've seen that wall before, 444 00:15:38,844 --> 00:15:39,961 I think. 445 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:55,982 Mmm. 446 00:15:56,048 --> 00:15:58,415 I wouldn't pay $14 for you, 447 00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:01,515 but you drop your price to $12, it's a conversation. 448 00:16:02,470 --> 00:16:04,387 Douglas! 449 00:16:05,576 --> 00:16:07,109 My car got towed. 450 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,175 I finally got you to park legally. 451 00:16:09,222 --> 00:16:10,543 I watched with my own eyes 452 00:16:10,612 --> 00:16:12,979 as you parked by a curb that wasn't a color! 453 00:16:13,081 --> 00:16:15,181 I may have some outstanding parking tickets. 454 00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:18,218 And I mean "outstanding" as in "unpaid" 455 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,019 and also as in "I illegally parked 456 00:16:20,122 --> 00:16:21,588 in some really cool places." 457 00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,324 Does your happiness go up with my blood pressure? 458 00:16:24,393 --> 00:16:27,227 All right, I'll give you a ride to the impound lot. 459 00:16:27,329 --> 00:16:29,295 No, I'm gonna call an Uber. It's surge pricing now, but... 460 00:16:29,398 --> 00:16:31,231 - No! - All right, look. 461 00:16:31,299 --> 00:16:32,499 I'm sorry, okay? 462 00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,701 I-I know my convenience tax is nuts. 463 00:16:34,803 --> 00:16:36,169 It's just... 464 00:16:36,238 --> 00:16:38,571 if I wait in a long line at the post office 465 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,573 or drive all the way to the bargain mall, 466 00:16:40,609 --> 00:16:42,542 it's less time I get to spend with Graham. 467 00:16:42,611 --> 00:16:45,278 He was just born. Now he's 8. 468 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,381 And before I know it, he'll be 18, and... 469 00:16:48,483 --> 00:16:49,716 then that's it. 470 00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,886 I already had money when I became a single parent, 471 00:16:52,954 --> 00:16:55,822 and it still felt impossible. 472 00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:58,625 I honestly don't know how you do it. 473 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,126 But it amazes me. 474 00:17:01,897 --> 00:17:02,929 Oh, boy. 475 00:17:03,031 --> 00:17:03,930 Ohhh! 476 00:17:04,032 --> 00:17:05,198 All right, that'll... that'll do. 477 00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,200 Let's go. 478 00:17:07,269 --> 00:17:09,803 Hey, do you think if I give that speech at the impound lot, 479 00:17:09,871 --> 00:17:11,404 they'll just give me my car back? 480 00:17:11,506 --> 00:17:12,972 Well, can you make yourself cry? 481 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,274 Mm, might need a little help. 482 00:17:14,376 --> 00:17:16,286 - Can you get me there? - Oh, yeah. 483 00:17:21,983 --> 00:17:24,217 Will, I am so sorry. 484 00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:26,219 In retrospect, I shouldn't have hired an actor 485 00:17:26,321 --> 00:17:27,454 to protect your feelings. 486 00:17:27,522 --> 00:17:29,055 But in my defense, I didn't know 487 00:17:29,157 --> 00:17:30,857 Biscuits had that kind of performance in him. 488 00:17:30,959 --> 00:17:32,192 He really took you on a journey! 489 00:17:32,294 --> 00:17:33,560 He really did. 490 00:17:33,662 --> 00:17:36,029 But it was a journey I was so pathetically desperate to go on, 491 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,597 it turned me into a monster. 492 00:17:37,699 --> 00:17:40,867 A Bloody Mary with bacon, tiny burger on the straw? 493 00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:42,535 Pfft. Who did I think I was? 494 00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:45,238 French meteorologist Didier Marceau? 495 00:17:47,075 --> 00:17:49,042 I was stupid to think I would have a fan, 496 00:17:49,144 --> 00:17:50,577 let alone a superfan. 497 00:17:50,679 --> 00:17:51,511 Dad. 498 00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:53,947 Do you like doing the weather? 499 00:17:54,049 --> 00:17:55,281 I love it. 500 00:17:55,383 --> 00:17:57,817 Then it doesn't matter if you don't have a superfan. 501 00:17:57,919 --> 00:18:00,720 It doesn't matter if you never have a superfan. 502 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,856 Only one person's opinion matters. 503 00:18:02,924 --> 00:18:05,191 French meteorologist Didier Marceau's? 504 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,160 No. Yours. 505 00:18:08,196 --> 00:18:09,232 That is wise. 506 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,697 Thank you. 507 00:18:11,733 --> 00:18:14,267 You really think I'll never have a superfan? 508 00:18:14,369 --> 00:18:16,002 No, I take that part back. 509 00:18:16,071 --> 00:18:19,038 You will always, always have at least one superfan. 510 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,106 Ruin this moment by saying 511 00:18:20,208 --> 00:18:21,751 "French meteorologist Didier Marceau," 512 00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:22,786 and I will knock you out. 513 00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:23,750 Yes, ma'am. 514 00:18:24,846 --> 00:18:25,922 Mother, I told you, 515 00:18:25,947 --> 00:18:27,981 I don't know what happened to the hot-glue gun. 516 00:18:28,049 --> 00:18:29,682 - Pbbbbt. - Oh. You. 517 00:18:29,784 --> 00:18:30,884 Come to ransack my wardrobe 518 00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:32,548 or just assume my identity altogether? 519 00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,687 No! I want to apologize. 520 00:18:34,789 --> 00:18:37,423 Look, I was hurt when you insulted my taste. 521 00:18:37,526 --> 00:18:39,659 There was a time where I didn't even have to think about it. 522 00:18:39,728 --> 00:18:42,462 I was just cool. I had the trip. And now... 523 00:18:42,531 --> 00:18:44,330 - Fatherhood has softened your edge? - Hey. 524 00:18:44,432 --> 00:18:46,132 Sorry, but it has. 525 00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:47,400 And everyone knows it. 526 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,369 I thought this beret was the solution. 527 00:18:49,471 --> 00:18:51,271 I don't know how I got it so wrong. 528 00:18:51,373 --> 00:18:53,206 Buying a used hat at a school auction 529 00:18:53,274 --> 00:18:54,696 really seemed like a silver bullet. 530 00:18:54,774 --> 00:18:58,011 No. My fashion critiques have been described as "withering." 531 00:18:58,079 --> 00:18:59,662 - True. - I need to learn to rein it in. 532 00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:00,710 Friends? 533 00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:03,116 Friends. 534 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,652 So, I was thinking we can share the beret. 535 00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,163 It's with you Monday, Wednesday, Friday 536 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,788 and with me Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. 537 00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,189 On Sundays, we alternate. 538 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,473 - Now, vacations might be a little tou... - Wait. Stop. 539 00:19:12,561 --> 00:19:14,027 Put the beret on. It's yours. 540 00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:16,796 - Oh. Really? - Yeah. 541 00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:19,666 - Wow! It looks good on you! - Thank you. 542 00:19:19,768 --> 00:19:21,434 And sure, berets are on-trend now, 543 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:22,969 but I got to keep moving. 544 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,585 The beret of the heartland. 545 00:19:26,675 --> 00:19:28,641 Well, now I want a cowboy hat. 546 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,077 Trish, this is goodbye. 547 00:19:31,179 --> 00:19:32,912 From now on, I'll be making coffee, 548 00:19:32,981 --> 00:19:35,348 like I'm running a freakin' A.A. meeting. 549 00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:37,083 So, if I come in here, 550 00:19:37,152 --> 00:19:38,685 I'm gonna need you to help me be strong 551 00:19:38,787 --> 00:19:40,019 and not sell me coffee. 552 00:19:40,121 --> 00:19:41,988 Can you promise me that? 553 00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,856 No. 554 00:19:43,925 --> 00:19:46,192 I'd get in trouble for refusing coffee to a customer. 555 00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:48,294 I guess that's fair. 556 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,663 And even if nobody knew, I would know. 557 00:19:50,765 --> 00:19:53,967 And ultimately, we're all responsible to ourselves, Angie. 558 00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,602 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask you 559 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:56,806 to compromise your beliefs. 560 00:19:56,868 --> 00:19:59,486 To say nothing of the promise I've made to our shareholders. I mean... 561 00:19:59,556 --> 00:20:01,189 You know, getting out of this conversation 562 00:20:01,263 --> 00:20:03,579 is worth $100 to me. 563 00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,191 - Convenience tax. - Convenience tax. 564 00:20:10,472 --> 00:20:13,987 I drove all the way down to the bargain mall for this. 565 00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:16,317 Oh, no! Is the mail broken? 566 00:20:16,427 --> 00:20:17,495 No. 567 00:20:17,594 --> 00:20:21,043 But thanks to Douglas, Mommy's making some changes. 568 00:20:21,097 --> 00:20:23,816 What's all this armor for? 569 00:20:23,894 --> 00:20:25,683 For you, to play hockey. 570 00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:27,666 Ohhhhh. 571 00:20:28,653 --> 00:20:30,261 This is hockey. 572 00:20:30,339 --> 00:20:32,493 I got it confused with the other one. 573 00:20:32,594 --> 00:20:34,829 I don't want to do hockey. 574 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:35,815 What? 575 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,229 No. Yeah, you do. 576 00:20:37,291 --> 00:20:39,393 I want to do the one where you dive. 577 00:20:39,494 --> 00:20:41,263 What's the one where you dive called? 578 00:20:41,363 --> 00:20:42,364 Diving? 579 00:20:42,466 --> 00:20:43,900 Yup. That's the one. 580 00:20:43,933 --> 00:20:45,869 You sure you're thinking about diving? 581 00:20:45,971 --> 00:20:47,973 You're not thinking of, like, fencing? 582 00:20:48,074 --> 00:20:51,379 - Nope. - Great. I'll just... 583 00:20:51,479 --> 00:20:53,649 give you one of my bikini bottoms. 584 00:20:55,994 --> 00:20:59,031 Fencing does sound fun. 585 00:20:59,055 --> 00:21:03,955 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 41586

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