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1
00:00:28,244 --> 00:00:30,570
_
2
00:00:30,153 --> 00:00:32,200
Another one bites the dust.
3
00:00:32,122 --> 00:00:35,123
The New York City Snipper
is at it again this morning,
4
00:00:35,225 --> 00:00:37,125
snipping women's ponytails.
5
00:00:40,664 --> 00:00:42,564
- Oh, God!
- Ooh, oh, geez!
6
00:00:42,666 --> 00:00:43,898
_
7
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,100
- Shit.
- Hey, I got it. Hey.
8
00:00:46,103 --> 00:00:48,403
Oh, wow, thank you. That's so nice.
9
00:00:48,505 --> 00:00:50,238
No worries.
10
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:54,342
That just happened to me.
11
00:00:54,444 --> 00:00:56,390
Oh, no, now you can't get through.
12
00:00:57,347 --> 00:00:59,114
Oh, you know, it's all
good. Go, go, go, go!
13
00:00:59,216 --> 00:01:00,115
Hey, come back! Stop!
14
00:01:00,217 --> 00:01:02,170
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...
15
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,755
- Jesus Christ!
- Ugh, you're kidding me!
16
00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:12,661
Thanks again for swiping me in.
17
00:01:12,763 --> 00:01:13,929
Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.
18
00:01:28,712 --> 00:01:30,445
Donald Trump will be president!
19
00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:38,954
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...
20
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,591
God, are you kidding me?
21
00:01:42,693 --> 00:01:44,926
Ew! Jesus Christ!
22
00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:50,565
F Train suspended.
23
00:01:50,667 --> 00:01:53,705
Doesn't work anymore,
we gotta close it guys.
24
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:55,637
Thank you.
25
00:01:55,739 --> 00:01:57,873
Well, thanks again for
swiping me in up there.
26
00:01:57,975 --> 00:01:59,241
Yeah, you got it.
27
00:01:59,343 --> 00:02:01,420
Um, I'm Abbi.
28
00:02:01,144 --> 00:02:02,444
I'm Ilana.
29
00:02:02,546 --> 00:02:04,546
I'm Robert.
30
00:02:04,648 --> 00:02:05,780
Hi, Robert.
31
00:02:05,883 --> 00:02:07,682
Hey!
32
00:02:07,784 --> 00:02:10,185
♪ Four and three and two and one ♪
33
00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:14,867
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:18,827
Oh, God, I guess I'm
just not gonna go to work.
35
00:02:18,929 --> 00:02:20,695
Can't you just go in,
like, a little bit late?
36
00:02:20,797 --> 00:02:22,497
No, I forgot to lock up last night,
37
00:02:22,599 --> 00:02:23,899
so then I was supposed to
get there five minutes early
38
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,333
this morning to fake lock up.
39
00:02:25,435 --> 00:02:28,203
And it didn't happen, so...
best thing to do right now
40
00:02:28,305 --> 00:02:30,472
is to smoke a lot of pot.
41
00:02:30,574 --> 00:02:32,807
I mean, I was just gonna
go to Bed, Bath and Beyond,
42
00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:35,610
but I could definitely do that high.
43
00:02:35,712 --> 00:02:36,978
That's cool.
44
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,514
You know, I could smoke you up.
45
00:02:39,616 --> 00:02:41,603
Yeah, I... I thought
that's what you meant.
46
00:02:41,638 --> 00:02:42,817
Oh, cool!
47
00:02:45,255 --> 00:02:48,256
♪ Get you, ooh ♪
48
00:02:48,358 --> 00:02:51,993
♪ Get you, ooh ♪
49
00:02:57,670 --> 00:02:58,400
Right, we'll show 'em.
50
00:03:00,170 --> 00:03:01,469
Sick.
51
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:04,673
Ah!
52
00:03:04,775 --> 00:03:07,742
Yeah! Yeah!
53
00:03:07,844 --> 00:03:09,440
Oh! Oh my God!
54
00:03:09,146 --> 00:03:10,679
God, that's a strong kick.
55
00:03:10,781 --> 00:03:13,148
- Are you okay?
- I'm okay. No, it's okay.
56
00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:16,284
Can I give you this money? This
is what we made today so far.
57
00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:18,486
Oh, don't... don't even worry about it.
58
00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:21,489
I'm just a silly,
upper-middle class NYU bitch,
59
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:22,824
so I wouldn't take money from you.
60
00:03:22,926 --> 00:03:25,830
Hey, I go to NYU too, Tisch
School Performing Arts.
61
00:03:25,118 --> 00:03:27,620
We all do.
62
00:03:27,164 --> 00:03:29,864
Tischies. Congrats.
63
00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:31,166
All right, I'll take 20.
64
00:03:35,372 --> 00:03:37,939
Whoops! Now you're all wet!
65
00:03:38,410 --> 00:03:40,800
Even though I know you were already.
66
00:03:41,378 --> 00:03:43,912
No, sir!
67
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,248
'Cause I... I never get wet.
68
00:03:47,351 --> 00:03:50,318
And now, I got you all riled up!
69
00:03:53,390 --> 00:03:55,557
I love my life.
70
00:04:01,398 --> 00:04:03,331
Do you like Four Loko.
It kinda scares me.
71
00:04:03,433 --> 00:04:06,167
Whoops! Now you're all wet!
72
00:04:06,269 --> 00:04:08,303
Even though I know you were already.
73
00:04:09,506 --> 00:04:12,273
No! You know what?
74
00:04:12,376 --> 00:04:15,430
You're a needle-dick bitch, bitch.
75
00:04:15,145 --> 00:04:17,145
This guy's a bitch!
76
00:04:17,247 --> 00:04:19,514
You know hashtag, winning?
You're hashtag, losing.
77
00:04:19,616 --> 00:04:21,883
That's your symbol of
masculinity, a bubble gun?
78
00:04:21,985 --> 00:04:24,152
Good luck living the rest of your life.
79
00:04:24,254 --> 00:04:25,253
Yeah!
80
00:04:25,355 --> 00:04:27,789
Good luck living the rest of your life!
81
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,604
I hate my life.
82
00:04:49,229 --> 00:04:50,786
_
83
00:04:50,821 --> 00:04:51,880
I knew it!
84
00:04:51,982 --> 00:04:53,648
I left the doors open
all night where I work
85
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:55,150
and they fired me!
86
00:04:55,252 --> 00:04:57,185
Come on, dude, fuck Grey Dog,
87
00:04:57,287 --> 00:04:58,720
I hate that fucking place!
88
00:04:58,822 --> 00:05:00,210
Dude, I love Grey Dog!
89
00:05:00,123 --> 00:05:01,723
I mean, I'm sure the one
that you work at sucks.
90
00:05:01,825 --> 00:05:03,358
But the one on Carmine
is, like, amazing.
91
00:05:03,460 --> 00:05:05,927
- The staff is so sweet.
- Dude, that's where I work!
92
00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:09,531
- Dude, I'm in there, like, every day.
- Dude, how have we not seen each other?
93
00:05:09,633 --> 00:05:12,234
- Dude, this is insane!
- Oh, my God, dude!
94
00:05:12,336 --> 00:05:13,768
Okay, well listen,
if you need a new job,
95
00:05:13,871 --> 00:05:15,670
my friend Morgan just got
me this sick catering gig,
96
00:05:15,772 --> 00:05:17,506
and a spot just opened up
'cause some guy just OD'ed.
97
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:18,507
Dude...
98
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,342
Oh my God!
99
00:05:20,444 --> 00:05:23,128
- Oh shit, my notepad! My notepad!
- I got it, I got it!
100
00:05:24,281 --> 00:05:28,383
Oh my God, my hair! Oh, this is bad.
101
00:05:28,485 --> 00:05:31,820
No, it looks so good like
that. Why do you straighten it?
102
00:05:31,922 --> 00:05:34,289
'Cause I look like a true
Jew if I don't straighten.
103
00:05:34,391 --> 00:05:36,525
It's not necessarily a bad thing.
104
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,826
You wouldn't know.
105
00:05:37,928 --> 00:05:39,594
No, I'm Jewish.
106
00:05:39,696 --> 00:05:40,962
Not full.
107
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,731
Yeah, I'm completely Jewish.
108
00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:45,867
- Check the records.
- Had a bat mitzvah.
109
00:05:47,571 --> 00:05:48,737
Did you get work done?
110
00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:51,600
- No!
- I can't believe it.
111
00:05:51,108 --> 00:05:53,542
Listen, I think you look like... You
got like a Rosie Perez vibe going.
112
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,176
- If you poofed it up...
- What?
113
00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:58,980
Okay, now I'm doing it like this every
freaking day for the rest of my life, dude!
114
00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:00,315
Plus, it'll save me
two hours every morning,
115
00:06:00,417 --> 00:06:01,449
so I'll never be late for work again.
116
00:06:01,552 --> 00:06:03,652
Bonus Jonas!
117
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,854
Would you wanna get breakfast?
118
00:06:05,956 --> 00:06:07,188
- I'm starving.
- Oh, my God.
119
00:06:07,291 --> 00:06:09,691
I thought you'd never
ask. Yes, I'm starving too.
120
00:06:09,793 --> 00:06:11,526
Jinx tummies.
121
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,990
Come on.
122
00:06:18,201 --> 00:06:20,635
Sorry, hopefully they'll be out soon.
123
00:06:20,737 --> 00:06:22,404
Thanks.
124
00:06:31,848 --> 00:06:33,281
Ha-ha!
125
00:06:33,383 --> 00:06:34,950
- No!
- It's the Snipper!
126
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,384
- Oh, my God!
- What happened?
127
00:06:36,486 --> 00:06:38,553
He took my pony!
128
00:06:38,655 --> 00:06:39,621
Ew...
129
00:06:43,727 --> 00:06:46,494
No, really, he
just grabbed her ponytail.
130
00:06:55,172 --> 00:06:56,771
Oh... hey, Tim.
131
00:06:56,873 --> 00:06:58,299
Ilana, are you kidding me?
132
00:06:59,276 --> 00:07:01,409
Is that the Kenyan hazelnut?
133
00:07:01,511 --> 00:07:03,345
You're fired.
134
00:07:03,447 --> 00:07:05,113
Are you serious?
135
00:07:05,215 --> 00:07:08,830
Yes, you are so completely fired.
136
00:07:08,185 --> 00:07:09,584
Fine.
137
00:07:09,686 --> 00:07:13,488
God... but I'm at least entitled to
my one free coffee a day for employees.
138
00:07:13,590 --> 00:07:14,756
You made that up.
139
00:07:14,858 --> 00:07:16,324
There is no one free
coffee a day for employees.
140
00:07:16,426 --> 00:07:17,592
You're just a thief.
141
00:07:17,694 --> 00:07:19,527
Wow, did you just call me a queef?
142
00:07:19,630 --> 00:07:20,996
That's sexual harrass...
143
00:07:21,980 --> 00:07:22,263
Get out, go.
144
00:07:22,366 --> 00:07:23,632
Fine.
145
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,968
Yeah, I'm so excited.
146
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:28,937
First week in New
York, I love this city.
147
00:07:42,286 --> 00:07:44,352
Hey, Mel?
148
00:07:44,455 --> 00:07:46,254
Melody, are you home?
149
00:07:46,356 --> 00:07:49,224
Is this the famous Abbi Abrams?
150
00:07:49,326 --> 00:07:51,827
Fierce 'do!
151
00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:54,696
You must be Matt.
152
00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:57,933
All my friends call me Bevers.
153
00:07:58,350 --> 00:08:00,669
It's nice to meet you, Bevers.
154
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,737
Nice to meet you, Abbi.
155
00:08:05,423 --> 00:08:06,955
Ever since Melody got
a job at the law firm,
156
00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:08,390
it's like I never see her.
157
00:08:08,492 --> 00:08:10,426
I almost forgot what it's
like to have a roommate.
158
00:08:10,528 --> 00:08:11,960
Well, don't get ahead of yourself.
159
00:08:12,630 --> 00:08:13,295
It's not like I'm moving in or anything.
160
00:08:13,397 --> 00:08:14,430
Right.
161
00:08:14,532 --> 00:08:15,964
I've been looking for places all week.
162
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:19,368
I gotta find something
by the weekend, fo' sho.
163
00:08:19,470 --> 00:08:21,703
You know, in the meantime,
make yourself at home.
164
00:08:21,806 --> 00:08:23,172
And I just went food shopping.
165
00:08:23,274 --> 00:08:24,540
I'm gonna make you a snack plate.
166
00:08:24,642 --> 00:08:25,741
Uh, are you sure?
167
00:08:25,843 --> 00:08:27,676
I mean, I don't wanna be an imposition
168
00:08:27,778 --> 00:08:29,780
around here or anything.
169
00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:30,312
No, it's fine.
170
00:08:30,414 --> 00:08:32,748
I mean, I can't eat a whole
wedge of cheese on my own.
171
00:08:32,850 --> 00:08:34,483
Okay. Can I give you money?
172
00:08:35,886 --> 00:08:38,153
No. Come on.
173
00:08:38,255 --> 00:08:42,191
Okay... I mean, if you ever want me
to do chores around here or anything...
174
00:08:42,293 --> 00:08:45,294
Listen, I'm the host, you're the guest.
175
00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:47,247
I wanna make my host feel comfortable,
176
00:08:47,282 --> 00:08:51,200
so as a guest, the rules of the
house are I never pay for food,
177
00:08:51,302 --> 00:08:53,669
I never do chores, is that correct?
178
00:08:53,771 --> 00:08:55,204
No, that'd be weird.
179
00:08:55,306 --> 00:08:58,240
Okay. Got it.
180
00:09:01,780 --> 00:09:02,411
Hey, Madisons.
181
00:09:02,513 --> 00:09:04,346
Hey.
182
00:09:04,448 --> 00:09:07,883
Eww, I am having, like,
a salty, wet diarrhea
183
00:09:07,985 --> 00:09:10,886
of a fucking day!
184
00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:12,554
What's going on with you guys?
185
00:09:12,656 --> 00:09:14,890
We're actually having
our weekly suite meeting.
186
00:09:14,992 --> 00:09:17,960
Why would you have a
suite-ing without me?
187
00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,620
Okay, um...
188
00:09:20,164 --> 00:09:23,398
we should just go on with
it, even though she's here.
189
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:26,668
Elizabeth Buton-Bates, will you
please resume the PowerPoint?
190
00:09:29,627 --> 00:09:31,944
_
191
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,580
Madison, what the fuck is this?
192
00:09:38,682 --> 00:09:41,917
Number 27... you call all of us Madison.
193
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,186
What are you talking about, Madis...
194
00:09:46,157 --> 00:09:48,900
Right, that is rude.
195
00:09:48,192 --> 00:09:49,458
I acknowledge that is rude.
196
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,360
Parker Luxton?
197
00:09:54,165 --> 00:09:55,970
The wall.
198
00:09:55,199 --> 00:09:56,231
What wall?
199
00:09:58,202 --> 00:10:01,637
The wall of graphic
pornography above your bed.
200
00:10:01,739 --> 00:10:03,380
Oh, come on!
201
00:10:03,140 --> 00:10:06,608
I contribute a lot of
culture to this suite.
202
00:10:06,710 --> 00:10:09,811
You're always making us watch videos
of animals having sex with people.
203
00:10:09,914 --> 00:10:12,814
Oh, my God, again! I
showed you one video.
204
00:10:12,917 --> 00:10:15,168
- Many times.
- Of a man fighting
205
00:10:15,203 --> 00:10:18,220
for the sensual pleasure of his life,
206
00:10:18,322 --> 00:10:21,156
only to die later
from internal bleeding.
207
00:10:21,258 --> 00:10:22,357
It's Mr. Hands!
208
00:10:22,459 --> 00:10:24,693
It's literally bestiality,
209
00:10:24,795 --> 00:10:28,664
and it is literally a crime to watch.
210
00:10:28,766 --> 00:10:32,167
I see... because if it
were a lady horse and a man,
211
00:10:32,269 --> 00:10:33,335
no one would have a problem with it.
212
00:10:33,437 --> 00:10:35,804
They can get fucking
married for all I care.
213
00:10:35,906 --> 00:10:38,600
But gay dudes can't get married?
214
00:10:38,108 --> 00:10:40,609
Gay dudes can't get
married, so a horse-dude
215
00:10:40,711 --> 00:10:43,612
and a dude-dude can not fuck.
216
00:10:44,915 --> 00:10:47,490
Jessica Merkel-Keller.
217
00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:51,853
Jesus!
218
00:10:51,956 --> 00:10:54,489
We know this one is just mean.
219
00:10:54,592 --> 00:10:57,326
But when your hair is
curly, it looks like pubes.
220
00:10:57,428 --> 00:10:58,560
You're a fucking bitch,
221
00:10:58,662 --> 00:11:01,363
but I'll go over it with the iron again.
222
00:11:01,465 --> 00:11:03,650
Good job.
223
00:11:04,235 --> 00:11:05,701
- That's what a throuple is.
- Wow.
224
00:11:05,803 --> 00:11:08,700
Again, I love your hair curly.
225
00:11:08,172 --> 00:11:09,771
- Thank you so much!
- Yeah.
226
00:11:09,873 --> 00:11:11,907
Okay, okay, if you had to be a throuple
227
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:14,109
with any current couple,
who would you pick?
228
00:11:14,211 --> 00:11:16,211
Michelle and Barack Obama, hands down.
229
00:11:16,313 --> 00:11:17,846
Yes, they are so hot as a couple
230
00:11:17,948 --> 00:11:19,581
and as the leaders of the free world.
231
00:11:19,683 --> 00:11:20,949
I mean, I am so relieved
232
00:11:21,510 --> 00:11:23,510
that we have a hot
black guy as president.
233
00:11:23,153 --> 00:11:25,220
I mean, I feel like we're
finally moving forward.
234
00:11:25,322 --> 00:11:26,555
And it's just the beginning.
235
00:11:26,657 --> 00:11:28,890
I mean, never backwards. Only forwards!
236
00:11:28,993 --> 00:11:29,858
Next is a woman.
237
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:30,892
Whoo!
238
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,620
And so, finally, that brings us to...
239
00:11:34,164 --> 00:11:37,650
the three principles
of natural selection.
240
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:40,302
These are in your textbook,
but I just outlined them here.
241
00:11:40,404 --> 00:11:41,937
Hey...
242
00:11:44,842 --> 00:11:46,908
Mm, hi.
243
00:11:47,110 --> 00:11:48,610
Aye, no, did you get kicked in the face
244
00:11:48,712 --> 00:11:50,623
- by a subway performer again?
- Oh, ow. Yeah.
245
00:11:50,658 --> 00:11:54,483
And now, we are going to open the
floor to some of our presentations.
246
00:11:54,585 --> 00:11:55,617
Did you bring your presentation?
247
00:11:55,719 --> 00:11:56,918
- And first, we'll have...
- What presentation?
248
00:11:57,210 --> 00:11:58,247
Ilana Wexler?
249
00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:01,490
Jaime, can you pull
the fire alarm again?
250
00:12:01,592 --> 00:12:04,760
I really want to, but I'm trying to
become a citizen one day. It's illegal.
251
00:12:04,862 --> 00:12:07,429
- I understand.
- Ilana Wexler.
252
00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:09,531
Yes, Professor!
253
00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:12,567
I am present and attending.
254
00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:14,269
What class is this?
255
00:12:14,371 --> 00:12:16,938
Professor...
256
00:12:17,410 --> 00:12:18,674
Is this French?
257
00:12:18,776 --> 00:12:21,610
Glasses on, phones off, please!
258
00:12:21,712 --> 00:12:23,712
Fake an emergency in 30 seconds.
259
00:12:31,388 --> 00:12:34,756
Welcome to my lecture.
260
00:12:34,858 --> 00:12:39,695
The day is Thursday,
the time is one o'clock.
261
00:12:39,797 --> 00:12:40,729
Gotta stop you there.
262
00:12:40,831 --> 00:12:42,597
It's Friday and it's 4:00 p.m.
263
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,866
But please, continue.
264
00:12:44,968 --> 00:12:48,236
I stand corrected.
265
00:12:48,339 --> 00:12:51,740
We shall commence our lecture...
266
00:12:51,842 --> 00:12:54,242
presentation...
267
00:12:54,345 --> 00:12:57,779
right now.
268
00:12:57,881 --> 00:13:00,849
♪ White humans ♪
269
00:13:00,951 --> 00:13:03,151
♪ Evil to the bone ♪
270
00:13:03,253 --> 00:13:06,955
Uh, Miss Wexler, we've gone over this.
271
00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:08,490
This is not Tisch.
272
00:13:08,592 --> 00:13:11,293
Yeah, you made that very clear
the day you took my djembe away.
273
00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:13,762
You'll get that back at
the end of the semester.
274
00:13:15,232 --> 00:13:17,299
There's a sinkhole in my hometown.
275
00:13:17,401 --> 00:13:19,167
My house is gone!
276
00:13:19,269 --> 00:13:20,669
Yes, girl, thank you.
277
00:13:20,771 --> 00:13:22,700
I'm serious, you bitch!
278
00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:28,443
Well, let's move
on to the next presentation.
279
00:13:28,545 --> 00:13:30,879
Ilana, you can actually go, if you like.
280
00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:32,647
Really, I'd love to workshop...
281
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:33,915
It's for the best.
282
00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:35,550
Mm.
283
00:13:42,359 --> 00:13:44,292
Have you ever
been to a psychic before?
284
00:13:44,395 --> 00:13:46,328
No, but I've always wanted to.
285
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:48,196
It's ten bucks, do you wanna do it?
286
00:13:48,298 --> 00:13:49,998
- Yes!
- Okay.
287
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,330
This is the best day.
288
00:13:58,709 --> 00:14:00,242
Welcome.
289
00:14:00,344 --> 00:14:01,576
- Hi.
- I'm Oda.
290
00:14:01,678 --> 00:14:03,478
I possess the gift.
291
00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:06,448
Um, hi, we're interested in...
292
00:14:06,550 --> 00:14:08,750
Oh, I know.
293
00:14:08,852 --> 00:14:10,485
I possess the gift.
294
00:14:10,587 --> 00:14:12,200
Oh. She's good.
295
00:14:12,122 --> 00:14:16,324
I'm feeling... you girls...
296
00:14:16,427 --> 00:14:18,160
are new friends.
297
00:14:18,262 --> 00:14:19,394
- We are!
- Oh my God!
298
00:14:22,299 --> 00:14:24,933
Oh, I'm sorry. Indigestion.
299
00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:27,402
So, as I was say...
300
00:14:29,106 --> 00:14:30,972
Prophecy.
301
00:14:32,876 --> 00:14:34,910
You're gonna die today.
302
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,560
We are so not dying today!
303
00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,896
So not! I mean, what, are
we gonna listen to her?
304
00:14:42,998 --> 00:14:45,999
She was eating a burrito bowl.
305
00:14:46,101 --> 00:14:48,568
You know, it's like...
it could inspire us
306
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:51,104
to live like we're gonna die tomorrow.
307
00:14:51,206 --> 00:14:53,607
Like, imagine if we did something crazy.
308
00:14:53,709 --> 00:14:54,941
- I don't know.
- Yeah, okay.
309
00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:58,245
Like, what if we got a tattoo?
310
00:14:58,347 --> 00:15:00,480
I mean, that's like
really big and permanent.
311
00:15:00,582 --> 00:15:01,648
It's cool.
312
00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:03,450
I have always wanted to get one.
313
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:04,851
But I don't know, then
you can't be buried
314
00:15:04,953 --> 00:15:06,386
in the cemetery and that whole thing.
315
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:07,988
Yeah, but that's just for Jewish people.
316
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:10,900
Yeah, I'm Jewish, remember? I told you.
317
00:15:10,192 --> 00:15:12,359
I thought you were joking.
318
00:15:12,461 --> 00:15:13,827
No, I'm not kidding.
319
00:15:21,937 --> 00:15:23,470
Oh!
320
00:15:23,572 --> 00:15:26,640
Did you... pff... did you see that?
321
00:15:26,742 --> 00:15:28,275
The guy with the bike!
322
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:29,376
Help!
323
00:15:31,446 --> 00:15:33,460
Oh, hey! Hey!
324
00:15:33,148 --> 00:15:34,714
- Give me the vest!
- Hey!
325
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:37,918
Can you help me? Help me!
326
00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:42,689
I mean, I have always wanted a tattoo.
327
00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:45,725
But I can't think of anything
that I care that much about.
328
00:15:45,827 --> 00:15:47,460
Hm.
329
00:15:47,563 --> 00:15:49,729
Except...
330
00:15:50,832 --> 00:15:53,330
Oh, shit!
331
00:15:53,135 --> 00:15:54,234
Okay. Ooh!
332
00:15:54,336 --> 00:15:55,368
Whoo!
333
00:15:55,470 --> 00:15:56,703
I can't believe she's
ending her show though.
334
00:15:56,805 --> 00:15:58,605
I mean, like, what are we all gonna do?
335
00:15:58,707 --> 00:15:59,940
Probably watch the
Oprah Winfrey Network.
336
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:00,941
Oh, God.
337
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:02,309
Okay.
338
00:16:02,411 --> 00:16:03,810
Wow, you're doing good.
339
00:16:03,912 --> 00:16:04,945
Okay.
340
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:24,664
Ooh, have you ever
been to this pizza place
341
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:26,666
on Orchard and Delancey?
It's my favorite.
342
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,680
Plus, sometimes, they
give me free pizza.
343
00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:29,836
I don't know that
spot, but I always smoke
344
00:16:29,938 --> 00:16:31,137
on the median of that intersection,
345
00:16:31,239 --> 00:16:32,372
because when a cop sees me,
346
00:16:32,474 --> 00:16:33,640
I just throw my bowl into traffic.
347
00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,542
You throw a glass bowl into traffic?
348
00:16:35,644 --> 00:16:37,430
Oh, yeah. Done and done.
349
00:16:37,145 --> 00:16:38,878
What?
350
00:16:42,284 --> 00:16:44,551
So, my roommate's boyfriend
is staying with us.
351
00:16:44,653 --> 00:16:46,720
- How long?
- She didn't say.
352
00:16:46,822 --> 00:16:48,688
Oof... no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
353
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:51,240
Not liking this. This don't look good.
354
00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:52,726
This don't smell good, baby.
355
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:56,363
He sounds like a freeloading
bag-of-trash bitch.
356
00:16:56,465 --> 00:16:57,831
I mean, I barely said
anything about him.
357
00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,650
I haven't even met him yet.
358
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,433
No, you gotta call your roommate
359
00:17:00,535 --> 00:17:02,769
right the fucking now
and nip this in the ass
360
00:17:02,871 --> 00:17:04,704
before he pulls squatters rights on you.
361
00:17:05,907 --> 00:17:07,741
Yeah, okay.
362
00:17:09,211 --> 00:17:10,577
"Nip it in the ass," is that the saying?
363
00:17:10,679 --> 00:17:13,613
Yeah, nip it in the ass.
364
00:17:13,715 --> 00:17:16,483
Okay.
365
00:17:16,585 --> 00:17:18,218
Hey, Melody, it's me.
366
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:20,887
Um... I just wanted to
call real quick and tell you
367
00:17:20,989 --> 00:17:23,890
that I'm really not
comfortable with Matt
368
00:17:23,191 --> 00:17:25,959
staying any longer than this week.
369
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:27,493
And she should break up with him.
370
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:33,166
Um... for real, like, it
just doesn't feel right,
371
00:17:33,268 --> 00:17:35,335
and it's not what I signed up for.
372
00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:44,440
Okay, oh my God, that...
373
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:45,645
that'd be perfect, that's amazing.
374
00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:48,615
Thank you so much for
being... so open-minded
375
00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:50,830
and for listening to me and hearing me.
376
00:17:50,185 --> 00:17:51,851
I really thought that
this would be harder,
377
00:17:51,953 --> 00:17:54,621
and this is amazing,
we're really communicating.
378
00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:57,891
Okay, yeah, I'll see you soon. Bye.
379
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,292
- Dude!
- Oh, my God!
380
00:17:59,394 --> 00:18:01,428
- That was so good, girl!
- That was amazing!
381
00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:02,495
- Yes!
- Good job, dude.
382
00:18:02,597 --> 00:18:04,297
You killed that!
383
00:18:04,399 --> 00:18:08,168
Thank you so much. I
never would have done that.
384
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,803
You were great.
385
00:18:15,644 --> 00:18:17,911
I had, like, the funnest day.
386
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:19,112
I know, me too!
387
00:18:19,214 --> 00:18:20,847
- It was the best.
- It was.
388
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,219
Would you ever wanna hang out again?
389
00:18:26,321 --> 00:18:28,188
Like, tomorrow?
390
00:18:28,290 --> 00:18:30,290
I would love that!
391
00:18:30,392 --> 00:18:31,391
Yeah?
392
00:18:31,493 --> 00:18:33,593
My new friend.
393
00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:39,399
Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go!
394
00:18:39,501 --> 00:18:41,401
Go, go, go!
395
00:18:41,503 --> 00:18:43,303
- The pizza!
- Leave it!
396
00:18:43,405 --> 00:18:45,605
♪♪
397
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,611
Hey!
398
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,347
You're the girl that
swiped me in this morning.
399
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,549
That is so weird.
400
00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:13,118
Yeah, that's nuts.
401
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,753
- Hey.
- Hey.
402
00:19:14,855 --> 00:19:16,254
How was your day?
403
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:20,225
Uh... well, I... I just
bought three slices of pizza
404
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:24,229
that I'm gonna eat myself,
so... pretty much sums it up.
405
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,231
- Gotcha, okay.
- Yeah. How was your day?
406
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,801
You know, terrible. Terrible day.
407
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:32,570
I'm sorry.
408
00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:34,172
Do you want a hit?
409
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,909
Yeah. That'd be awesome.
410
00:19:40,147 --> 00:19:42,781
Thanks. Cool pipe.
411
00:19:42,883 --> 00:19:44,182
Got it on McDougal.
412
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:49,421
Do you want some pizza?
413
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:51,560
Oh, my God, I would love some.
414
00:19:51,158 --> 00:19:53,458
Okay, well, I have to run
back over to the pizza shop,
415
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,600
'cause I bought these three for me.
416
00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:57,462
Respect.
417
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:58,997
Yeah, uh, yeah.
418
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:00,265
That's amazing.
419
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,733
I need it today.
420
00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:03,435
I know exactly what you mean.
421
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,539
Whoa, look. Wet cement.
422
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,307
You never see that.
423
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,210
Oh, my God.
424
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,813
We should press our breasts into it.
425
00:20:14,915 --> 00:20:18,490
That feels...
426
00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:20,318
I mean, we could just
write our names, right?
427
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,687
Classy. Yeah.
428
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,125
- Whoa.
- Okay.
429
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,364
- This is amazing.
- This is nuts.
430
00:20:37,838 --> 00:20:39,300
Abbi with "I".
431
00:20:39,106 --> 00:20:40,338
Ilana with an "I".
432
00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:42,974
It's really nice to meet you.
433
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:44,776
Yeah, you too.
434
00:20:44,878 --> 00:20:49,180
Um... you wanna take a walk?
435
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,816
- Yeah, I'd like that.
- Cool.
436
00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,554
So, what's with the black eye?
437
00:20:56,656 --> 00:21:00,425
You know, I'm a supporter of the arts.
438
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:01,826
I'm an artist!
439
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,962
- That's dope.
- Like, yeah, that's what I do.
440
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,497
You know, you look like an artist,
441
00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:07,132
because of your haircut.
Did you get it cut today?
442
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:08,767
- It's dope!
- No...
443
00:21:08,869 --> 00:21:11,336
I mean, in a... In a way, I did.
444
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,404
- I love it.
- Yeah.
445
00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:16,474
You know what I've been
thinking about lately?
446
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:18,276
- What?
- This is so, like, stupid,
447
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,713
but why can't you get
eggs after 11:00 a.m.?
448
00:21:21,815 --> 00:21:23,181
I think about that all the time!
449
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,986
Are you serious?
29088
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