All language subtitles for Warren - 01x02 - The Rival (English)

I'll get a taxi to the pavement, shall I?

How does two o'clock on
Wednesday sound?

Er, no.

I don't think this is
working out, Warren.

What do you mean,
it's not working out?

I'm not very happy with
you at the moment.

Why, what have I done?
I mean, how long have you got?

Well,
not that long, actually,

since you spent half an hour
pissing around on the A6.

See, this is exactly what...
Your satnav told us to go that way.

Oh, it's
my satnav's fault, is it?

Naughty
satnav, don't do that again.

All right, well, what about
last week?

I had to wait 25 minutes while
we picked your son up from school.

He's
not my son.

Look, Warren, I've decided
to go with Daz's Drivers.

Daz's
Drivers?! He's crap.

No, he's not, and he's got a website
where you can book lessons online...

He hasn't had a single pass,
and he drives a Fiat.

You can't
learn to drive in a Fiat.

I know loads of people who
passed with him. Like who?

Like Duncan Green.
He passed with him.

Duncan
Green? Lying little sod.

He told me he couldn't
afford lessons any more.

Look, Warren, I just think it's best
if we go our separate ways.

Go on, then. Get out. No,
look, Warren, I don't want to fall out...

Go
On, off you go. Go on.

Get on your website, make a date
with your new boyfriend Daz.

And don't come crying to me when you
fail, you muppet.

DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES

Hello, Warren.
Hello, Anne.

Seen this? What's that?

Oh,
you're having a laugh!

How did that even get
on the front page?

Betty Wellington
from across the road.

Ain't
it good news?

I know who it bloody is.
No, it isn't good news.

I've lost six students
this week to that bloke.

Well,
I think it's wonderful.

She's got her independence
now, hasn't she?

She shouldn't even be behind
the wheel.

She's shot to pieces, the
doddery old cow.

She came round here
a couple of months ago,

spent the first ten minutes talking
to the bookcase. Don't exaggerate!

Daz is
obviously very good.

Charlie
loves him.

What do you
mean, Charlie loves him?

Eh? What do
you mean, Charlie loves him?

I... Anne?
Yeah?

I know
when you're lying.

Oh, Charlie's been having
a few lessons with Daz.

Oh,
I don't believe it.

You never even let him
in the driver's seat.

He's not ready for
the driver's seat.

He isn't
even a good passenger yet.

You know he's got a website?
Charlie? No, Daz.

You can book lessons
with him online.

Oh, Warren, you'd look
great on a website.

Why don't
you get your own one?

Wouldn't
know where to start.

Bet Danny could help
you. Where is he?

Danny!

Danny, I need you
to make me a website.

Well, I can, but that
stuff takes ages.

I've got
to practise my clarinet.

Shove
your clarinet.

I'm
losing students.

I need a website so people
can find me online.

There's probably stuff about you
online already, Warren.

Have you ever tried
googling yourself?

No, I haven't, cos I'm not a sad bastard.

Look, Warren Thompson
Driving School.

157
reviews.

Oh,
Warren, you're famous.

Average
rating, 2.3 stars.

Out of what? Ten. Ten?

What's
it say?

"Do not learn to drive
with this man.

"We broke
down and he charged me

"for the time it took the
RAC to tow us home."

I should have charged her for
the bloody clutch as well.

"Warren Thompson was nice at first,
but when one of my cheques bounced

"he held
me hostage in his car

"until my mum came out of
work with the cash."

Hostage, my arse.
It was an hour, tops.

At least he said
you were nice at first.

Actually,
maybe we should...

What is it?

"Warren
Twatson Driving School?"

What's
that?

It looks like someone's made
a Facebook page about you.

Yeah, but that's not
your surname, Warren.

It
Must be someone else.

No, there's a picture of Warren
here in stockings and suspenders.

Oh, when did you take
that? I didn't, Anne.

Someone's just put
my head on that photo.

Oh, God, all this stuff
on the internet.

I can't afford to lose any more
students, Anne, I'll go bankrupt.

Don't
be silly.

Danny can get on with
your website tonight.

We could make some flyers, go hand
them out around town tomorrow.

Do you think that'd help?
Couldn't do any harm, I guess.

Yeah,
everything will be fine.

Oh, here he is,
Judas bloody Iscariot.

What are you on about?
What are you on about?

Daz's
Drivers ring any bells?

Cheers
for that, Mum.

Sorry, love, it just came
out. I'm glad it did.

You want to watch yourself there.
I've heard things about him.

Like what? I heard he
punched a student in the stomach once

just for stalling.
You just made that up.

No, I haven't. Happened to a
mate of mine's brother.

You don't know him.
Well, it's not true.

Daz is a really nice guy
and he actually lets me drive

like a normal instructor,
not like you.

You're a tosser. Oh, I'm
a tosser. Did you hear that? I'm a tosser.

I'm the tosser who puts the
food on the table

that you shove in your stupid, fat face.

Charlie, don't call
Warren a tosser, please.

"I booked a two-hour driving lesson
with Warren Thompson and we spent

"the first hour waiting
for his MOT to be done."

All right,
Danny, give it a break.

ON PHONE: Daz's Drivers?

BAD WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
Oh, hello there.

Is that
Daz's Drivers? Oh, good.

I'd like to book some
driving lessons, please.

Well,
I'm very keen.

Maybe I could book you
for a whole afternoon.

What
about Wednesday?

Or
Thursday, then.

Or Friday.

IN OWN ACCENT: Well, no wonder
you're all booked up,

you've been pinching everyone
else's students, you wanker!

Anne, are you going help me, or are
you just going to gossip all day?

Oh,
Warren, this is Maggie.

She was just telling me that Paula
with the crutches from Peacocks

has started seeing Barry with the
glasses from the Co-op. Right.

He's only just split up with his
wife because she found him

in bed with that one who works
part-time at the library.

I'm sorry, love, what's
this got to do with me?

Well, Maggie says Barry
lives next door to Daz.

Oh,
right. Go on.

Well, no, that's it,
he just lives next door to Daz.

Christ, Anne. Just trying to help.

Well, you want to tell
Barry to be careful, Maggie,

living next door to Daz, cos I've
heard that him and his missus

like to chuck their keys
in the old bowl,

if
You catch my drift.

Hello,
there.

I'm Warren
Thompson. I'm a local...

Councillor?

We
Know who you are.

You lot only show up when there's
a bloody election on.

Aye,
Tory, no doubt.

It were you lot that changed
the bin collection times.

No,
I'm not a councillor.

I've got to go to the tip myself
now, just to get rid. At his age!

You've got me wrong.
I'm not even a bloody Tory.

Yes, you are.
What?

You
are a Tory.

You voted Tory last election,
and the one before.

Oh, all right, I've voted for them
before, but... See?

Bloody
Tory!

Look
at my leaflets, mate.

We don't
want to know, mate.

Take your
leaflet and bugger off.

Right,
Anne, we're going.

And
don't come back.

I
Won't come back.

Up yours.

Oh, I
just can't believe that.

I know, they wouldn't
let me get a word in.

Every
two weeks for the bins.

Must
be a nightmare.

What's
that?

Oh,
no, Warren, stop.

What is it?

Aw,
it's a cat.

Oh,
no. Is it dead?

Yeah,
poor little bugger.

Has
it got a collar?

No.

Who does that, just
drives off like that?

Oh, love, we can't
just leave him here.

Maybe we should take him to the
vet, see if he's got a chip.

Yeah,
that's a good idea.

Come on.

Aw. Mr Fluffy!

What
have you done?

Oh,
my God, we're sorry.

We
Are so sorry.

Hang on
a minute, no, we're not.

We just found it like this.
He was my best friend!

We'll buy
you a new one, darling.

We bloody won't buy them a new one,
we never killed this one!

We'll get you a new cat, I
promise. Anne!

It would be nice if the pig who
ran over Mr Fluffy

actually had the decency
to apologise.

I found the bloody thing.
I didn't run it over!

It's
been dead for hours.

Look, it's
stiff as board. Feel it!

What is
wrong with you, you moron?

What's
wrong with me?

I'll tell you what's wrong with
me, I've found a dead cat

and somehow now I have to
fork out for a new one!

We'll get you a new cat, I promise.
Please don't cry. No, we won't.

Anne,
get in the car.

Here,
take it.

There
you go.

I'm going to the Preston
Observer about you.

Good luck with that.
You don't even know who I am.

Oh,
bollocks.

We'll get
you a new cat, I promise.

Anne!

Come on.

Bloody disaster.
No, it wasn't.

Well, it could've gone
better, I suppose,

but
think of the positives.

You
met Maggie.

Oh,
congratulations, Betty!

Oh, I mean,
how did she even pass?

Do you
need a hand, Betty, love?

Yep,
you've got loads of room.

Yep, you're all right now,
come on, yeah, now,

just
left a little...

We're in the lounge, Anne.
What are they doing here?

Oh, I don't know, who
knows? Anne?

Well, I mean, I might've
mentioned something

about your work not going so
great recently,

and then
maybe Mam said something

about her and dad lending
you a bit of money.

Well, what did you do that for?
I'm not a charity case!

No, I know, just make
sure you say thank you.

Hiya, Mam, hiya, Dad.
Hello, love.

Hello. Where have you been?

Oh, just
in town, bit of a drama.

Warren got banned from the street
for changing the bin times,

and
then he ran over a cat.

I
Didn't run over a cat.

Why did you change
the bin times, Warren?

I didn't change the bin
times, Sheila,

they thought I was someone else.
Sorry, where have you been?

In town.

He ran over a cat,
and then he changed the bin times.

Oh,
right. Lovely.

Sit
down a second, Warren.

I think Mam and Dad wanted
to mention something to you.

Well, we've heard that things
aren't going too well at work

for
you recently, Warren,

what with that nice new man
starting up in town.

He is not a nice man.
He is part of a cult.

Well, we didn't want to see
you going without,

so we thought we'd give
you a bit of money,

just to
see that you're all right.

Yeah, thanks, Sheila,
I don't need any m...

Here you are, Danny.
Give that to Warren.

Right, there you go,
Danny. Look, we're saved.

Nanny's given us a
fiver. Warren...

We are going to Disneyland after all.

Warren,
what do you say?

Thank you, Sheila,
that's very kind of you.

They're right. Let's get the kettle
on, shall we? Come on.

Just pay it back
whenever you're ready.

All
right, Bill.

We're all thinking
about you, Warren.

Thanks
again, Sheila.

How's
the website going?

Well, I've
bought you a domain name,

and I've managed to get your online
rating up to 3.1. Is that all?

Warren,
it was a losing battle

even before people found out you
killed that cat. I didn't...!

What?!

How did
that get there so quick?

Oh, there's a hashtag
for you and everything.

But I've made you a Facebook
page. How's that doing?

Well, you've got one
follower so far,

and
that's Nanny.

When
did she get Facebook?

I signed her up. She wanted to
see the Warren Twatson page.

Oh,
for Christ's sake!

I'm
gonna have a bath.

That's
their drive.

So, yep, no, forward,
do something with the wheel.

Either
would do, either would do!

Yep, and then pull
left. Pull left!

Pull left.

That's
their drive.

Doesn't matter,
it's just pavement...

RUNNING
WATER IN BATHROOM

ON PHONE: Daz's
Drivers? Wanker!

Oh,
it'll be all right, love.

It's
just been a bad month.

They say you're only three bad
months away from being homeless.

Oh,
don't worry about that.

Me mam said me and the boys
can move in with them.

Oh,
you're all right, then?

Look, love, I was thinking,
maybe you could try,

just, you
know, maybe being a bit...

I don't
know, nicer to people?

Oh,
don't you start.

Just
hear me out, Warren.

I know how kind and thoughtful
you are. I see how much you do

for me and the boys,
the way you always put us first,

the way you'd die for us.
Well, no, I wouldn't go that far...

But
it's just sometimes,

to other people, you can come across
as a bit, well, rude. Like when?

Well, like when you had a row
with that lad in Morrisons

for taking too long to pay
for his chocolate bar.

Anne, he was counting the cash
out, penny by penny.

He
Was seven, Warren.

Why don't you try just making
a real effort to be nice to people,

just
for now?

All right, I'll try extra hard
to be nice to people.

Good
idea, love.

He just should have had his cash
ready, that's all I'm saying.

So, I've got to admit, Warren,
I wasn't sure how you'd feel

about taking me back
after, you know.

Oh, you're a cracking student,
Ashley, I'm lucky to have you.

Probably should have checked
to see whether Daz actually

had any availability before I just
told you I was leaving like that.

I think you've had a lucky
escape, actually.

I've heard he doesn't let his
students use the brakes

because
it wears down the pads.

Wow, that move up to
third from second,

that
was sensational, Ashley.

That's
how I've always done it.

I don't think I've said
how good it was before.

When are you taking your test
again? Tuesday.

Oh, you'll nail it, Ashley,
with moves like that.

Right, what's going on?
What do you mean?

Well, you're just being
sort of nice. Yeah?

Yeah, almost friendly.
Am I? I hadn't noticed.

I'm
always like that.

Why
don't you go online,

leave a review about
what a good teacher I am?

Er,
if you want me to.

Well,
only if you want to.

Yeah, all right.
Fantastic.

Oh, look who it is,
Daz's bloody Drivers.

PHONE RINGS

Daz's Drivers?
Wanker!

Oh,
for... Goodness' sake.

Another
prank call?

All
the bloody time.

I must
be getting ten a day.

I
Reckon it was him

that stole the sign off the
roof of my car as well.

Seriously?
That's crazy.

And he's been spreading rumours
about me around town.

My neighbour knocked
on my door last night,

asking if he could join
the next swingers party.

Do you have any idea who's doing
it? Not a clue.

The coward always
withholds his number.

I swear, Charlie,
I'm not a violent man,

but if I
ever got my hands on him,

I don't think I'd be able
to control myself.

I don't blame you.
It sounds like he deserves it.

See, it doesn't just affect me.
It affects my wife and my child.

These calls are coming through
at all hours and waking us up.

I can't remember the last time
I had a good night's sleep.

HE
MOUTHS SILENTLY

I bet they're having a whale
of a time in there,

laughing
at my expense.

I'm
sure they're not.

Apparently, Daz is a really
nice guy.

Oh, yeah, you northerners,
you always stick together.

All
right, I'm just saying!

Geez, you being friendly
didn't last very long, did it?

Well, what's the point
when nasty bits of work

like
that keep winning?

Indicating left in the middle
lane. That's a minor.

Oh, for...

When
did you run over a cat?

I didn't run over a cat!
That's not what the sign says.

Shut up!

Hello,
Warren.

Anne,
they made a sign!

Who's
made a sign?

Kids, the bloody bastard
kids with their cat!

What do you mean,
they've made a sign?

They've made a bloody great
20 foot sign

that says, "Warren Thompson killed
our cat!" Well, don't panic.

People might think it's a
different Warren Thompson.

Or
Warren Twatson.

Shut
your face!

Anne,
we've got to get it down!

I'm
losing customers!

Er, the brown and white one, I think. What?

What are you on about?
Sorry, love?

Where
are you?

Er,
just in town.

Has he had his jabs?
What?

Did
you say jabs?

No, no, I don't think so.
What are you getting in town?

Nothing,
just... a vase.

You're doing it again, I know
when you're lying, Anne.

Oh, Warren, I'm buying
them kids a new cat.

We have to replace it. We promised
and I'm buying it now,

so
There's no going back.

Don't you dare. Which one are you
at, Wonderful World of Pets?

Too
late, I'm buying him now.

All right, Ashley, pull over.
I'm driving from here.

What?
No, not again. What...

Oh,
Warren, this is my lesson!

Get your
arse out of that seat!

Go on!

Hang on!

Anne!

What
are you doing?

Warren, we have
to replace their cat.

No,
we bloody don't!

I've felt guilty ever since.
Go and give it back!

Can we get on with my lesson, Warren?
Shut up!

He is
not ours to give back!

I'm sorry, sir, but you can't park
here without a disabled badge.

Warren... Anne, this is madness!

I'm going to have to ask you to
move your vehicle immediately.

I'm not putting him back.
We promised them.

No,
you promised them.

Warren, this is stupid.
I am paying for this lesson. Shut up!

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to fine you, sir.

Take the cat back! Stop shouting,
you're frightening him! Anne!

My
Reputation's in tatters!

My blood pressure's through the
roof, and all you can do

is go around giving
people pissing cats! Ooh!

Come
on, my love.

"Local driving instructor
pretends to be Tory councillor,

"kills cat and then abuses parking
attendant on day of retirement."

Well, they do say all
publicity is good publicity!

Well, thank you for calling,
love, I'll let him know.

That
was another one.

Who was it this time? Laura. Oh!

Said she saw the paper and
didn't want to be associated

with a... cat-killing scumbag,
so she's gone with Daz's Drivers.

What
am I going to do?

If Ashley
passes this afternoon,

I have lost 15 pupils this
month, 15!

To
The same bloke!

Danny, how's
that website coming on?

Well,
it's coming along,

but we've had some more bad
reviews come in

after you swore at that
man retiring.

How was I supposed
to know he was retiring?

What about Facebook? Oh,
I'm glad you mentioned Facebook, actually,

I found some good things on
there. Really?

Yeah, the first one
is a photo of you driving

through a retirement
party, laughing.

The second one is a picture of you
holding a gun to a cat's head

while wearing your
Tory party rosette. Anne!

And the third one is a
petition titled,

"Get this cat-killing scumbag off
our streets," which is basically

a petition to get you banned
from Preston, which I have signed.

Shut up!

Why is
that cat still here?

Well, I took it to that family
yesterday, and they said

they
didn't want it in the end.

They didn't want it, after she
stitched me up in the paper?

Why
didn't they want it?

Well, the lady said she doesn't
want charity off, erm...

Cat-killing scumbag?
It was "cat-killing scumbag," yeah.

Oh! Right, I've got to take
Ashley for his test.

We're not keeping it,
Anne, we're not.

We can't take you back now,
can we, Mr Fluffy 2?

Sure you want to do this?
You look a bit nervous.

I am
nervous, but I think I'll...

Well, maybe you shouldn't
do your test today.

I think I should probably take
you home, book you some more lessons

and wait
until you're really ready.

No, I think I'll be fine.
I feel confident.

All right, make your bloody mind
up. Ashley Akins?

Yeah. Hiya,
Warren. You all right, Bob?

Yeah, won't be long,
eh? Wish him luck.

Yep, good luck, you'll be
fine. Yeah.

Watch
this one, mate. He's crap.

ON PHONE: Daz's Drivers?

Wanker!

Have I
had an accident at work?

Oh, I wish, yeah! Anyway, you have
a nice one, all right, cheers.

Morning, Julie. Hello,
Daz. You all right, love?

Are you still getting
those weird calls?

Oh, don't.

I've literally just
had one a second ago.

Do you
know who that bloke is?

How did you get on? Passed.
Passed? Yeah.

Christ's
sake, you passed him?

With flying colours, actually.
He were very good.

Let
me double-check.

How did he get on at roundabouts?
He panics at roundabouts.

Fine.
Emergency stop was good.

You got
a minor here for mirrors.

Mirrors, yeah, but it's just
a minor, you know, so...

Just a minor? That used to be a
major. Are you new here?

You
know I'm not, Warren!

All right, chill out, Bob. Go on,
Ashley, you can drive home.

Oi, Thompson!
Drive!

I want a word with you! What? Just go!

I know
it was you, you bastard!

Why's he chasing us?
I told you, he's a psycho!

Come on, Ashley, put your foot
down! It's 30 miles an hour.

Sod 30 miles an hour, this bloke's
going to rip my head off!

Come on!

Overtake them. I
can't! Go in the bus lane.

Jesus,
Warren, you're a maniac!

Just drive faster, Ashley,
you've passed your test now!

Five
minutes ago!

You're a dead man, Thompson!
I'm going to kick your teeth in!

See, you thought
he was a nice bloke!

It's a red light, Warren!
Just keep going!

There's people crossing!
Fuck 'em!

HORN BLARES

Sorry!

Right, where am I going? Er,
take the next left. What?

Take the
next left, Ashley, you tit!

You're still going
to drop me home, right?

Pull
up here. Pull up!

Come on, fight like a
man, you bastard!

I promise you, Daz, it wasn't
me. You lying little shit!

Honestly, you've got the wrong
guy! You're a liar!

I haven't slept for weeks
because of you!

Look, I swear on Charlie's
life, it wasn't me!

Is
This yours, Warren?

It
Was him! It's him!

Right, I'm going to smash your face
in, you lying piece of...

Bloody
hell, Betty!

OK, excellent, that's you all booked
in for 10.30 on Tuesday.

I'll
see you then.

Another one?
Yeah.

The phone's been ringing
off the hook.

He's had to take on all of
Daz's pupils.

What
was it, then?

Oh, broken fibula,
two fractured tibia,

dislocated kneecap
and a collapsed lung!

Oh,
fantastic news!

That's brilliant, Warren.
He'll be out for months.

Yeah, and what with all
the physio, as well.

Good
old Betty!

Right, I'd better get on.
These pupils won't pass themselves.

Before I go, Sheila,
there you go, keep the change.

Count it.

HE
WHISTLES "ODE TO JOY"

Ready? You're not
going to let me drive, are you?

No, mate. This tosser doesn't
think you're ready yet.

And... easy
on the accelerator,

and release the clutch,
and away we go.

Is
That Mr Fluffy?

CAT YELPS

Oh,
bollocks!