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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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I'm so sorry, this is the
story of Charlotte and Brandon,
3
00:01:00,349 --> 00:01:02,349
they love my TV show.
4
00:01:02,351 --> 00:01:05,686
Oatmeal, exercise,
well, sort of.
5
00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:08,122
They both hate sleeping alone.
6
00:01:08,124 --> 00:01:10,558
Beer and hairy nipples.
7
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,494
The good news is they
are a perfect match.
8
00:01:13,496 --> 00:01:15,563
The bad news is,
they have never met.
9
00:01:15,565 --> 00:01:19,968
And Charlotte is with Steven
while Brandon is with Ashley.
10
00:01:26,108 --> 00:01:26,976
Oh, um.
11
00:01:28,377 --> 00:01:30,377
Well, I can't marry you
12
00:01:30,379 --> 00:01:33,214
because I'm marrying
someone else in May.
13
00:01:33,216 --> 00:01:35,483
You don't even
have a boyfriend.
14
00:01:35,485 --> 00:01:37,753
Well, actually I do.
15
00:01:38,387 --> 00:01:41,222
We've been together since
high school, for 14 years.
16
00:01:41,224 --> 00:01:43,123
It's just that he's been
living very far away
17
00:01:43,125 --> 00:01:45,759
and now, he's moving back
so we can be together.
18
00:01:45,761 --> 00:01:47,428
14 years?
19
00:01:47,430 --> 00:01:49,531
Sounds like commitment issues.
20
00:01:49,533 --> 00:01:51,199
No, it's just
that he was waiting
21
00:01:51,201 --> 00:01:53,635
until we were both ready.
22
00:01:53,637 --> 00:01:55,637
Why am I defending
myself to a first grader?
23
00:01:55,639 --> 00:01:58,174
Well, when it all falls apart,
you know where to find me.
24
00:01:59,175 --> 00:02:01,409
Look, Lance, we've
done all the graphics
25
00:02:01,411 --> 00:02:05,446
for your packaging and prints
ads at very reasonable rates.
26
00:02:05,448 --> 00:02:08,717
We've created the signature
look for Be Yourself Cosmetics.
27
00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:12,387
Now, it's great that your
nephew's a whiz at Photoshop
28
00:02:12,389 --> 00:02:13,756
but believe me,
there's just so much...
29
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,290
Screw you, Lance!
30
00:02:15,292 --> 00:02:17,359
And your oxymoronically
named product
31
00:02:17,361 --> 00:02:19,730
and your muttonheaded
fucktard nephew!
32
00:02:21,231 --> 00:02:22,664
Christ, are you off your meds?
33
00:02:22,666 --> 00:02:24,132
That's our biggest account!
34
00:02:24,134 --> 00:02:26,735
He's an asshole,
Brandon, asshole.
35
00:02:26,737 --> 00:02:29,170
Bro, I went to RISD
with Seth MacFarlane,
36
00:02:29,172 --> 00:02:30,674
I don't need that shit!
37
00:02:31,642 --> 00:02:33,508
That asshole was paying
off my student loans.
38
00:02:33,510 --> 00:02:35,710
Yeah, and our bills.
39
00:02:35,712 --> 00:02:36,581
Shit!
40
00:02:38,416 --> 00:02:41,450
You think you can get
him back on the phone?
41
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:43,353
I'm still
here you broke bitches.
42
00:02:57,734 --> 00:02:58,733
For you.
43
00:02:58,735 --> 00:02:59,668
Thank you.
44
00:02:59,670 --> 00:03:00,636
My pleasure.
45
00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:02,705
You're a
pretty decent drawer.
46
00:03:02,707 --> 00:03:03,741
Thank you.
47
00:03:05,710 --> 00:03:09,378
You know, I've been called
the Vermeer of napkin art.
48
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:10,248
Who?
49
00:03:11,549 --> 00:03:14,317
Did I leave my amethyst
necklace at your place?
50
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,318
Yeah, yeah, think I
saw it in the bathroom.
51
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,788
Okay, remind me to
get that from you.
52
00:03:18,790 --> 00:03:21,557
So, my boss gave us free tickets
53
00:03:21,559 --> 00:03:23,693
to the Charger's game Sunday.
54
00:03:23,695 --> 00:03:24,563
Wanna go?
55
00:03:26,564 --> 00:03:28,433
The 405 on a Sunday?
56
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:34,305
Okay, I'll drive.
57
00:03:35,473 --> 00:03:37,707
Yeah, you know I'm not
really into drunk crowds
58
00:03:37,709 --> 00:03:40,545
and football, or people.
59
00:03:40,778 --> 00:03:41,911
Of course.
60
00:03:41,913 --> 00:03:43,746
What's that mean?
61
00:03:43,748 --> 00:03:46,649
You know, I have dated
guys with commitment issues.
62
00:03:46,651 --> 00:03:47,617
Lot's of them.
63
00:03:47,619 --> 00:03:48,719
Pretty standard stuff, but you,
64
00:03:48,721 --> 00:03:51,588
I can't even get you to
commit to a football game.
65
00:03:51,590 --> 00:03:53,255
Well, I don't like football.
66
00:03:53,257 --> 00:03:54,891
It's not that,
it's everything.
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00:03:54,893 --> 00:03:55,892
You won't go to Coachella.
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00:03:55,894 --> 00:03:57,628
You won't move in together
69
00:03:57,630 --> 00:03:58,562
because that would
be moving too fast.
70
00:03:58,564 --> 00:04:00,931
You won't even book
that cruise next summer
71
00:04:00,933 --> 00:04:03,532
because a lot can
happen in six months!
72
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,301
Those tickets
are non-refundable.
73
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:07,470
And you're a cheapskate!
74
00:04:07,472 --> 00:04:08,772
Which is why I thought
you'd like the free tickets
75
00:04:08,774 --> 00:04:09,973
in the first place!
76
00:04:09,975 --> 00:04:11,474
I'm not cheap,
my money's tied up.
77
00:04:11,476 --> 00:04:12,743
And I can't go to the game
78
00:04:12,745 --> 00:04:15,579
because I wanna start training
for that Rwanda charity ride.
79
00:04:15,581 --> 00:04:17,214
You know, where
people are dying.
80
00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:19,616
Yeah, like that's
gonna happen.
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00:04:19,618 --> 00:04:20,853
Ashley, Ashley.
82
00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:24,721
Okay, you're right.
83
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:25,591
I'm sorry.
84
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:30,927
Let's do it Ashley, you and
me, Coachella next year.
85
00:04:30,929 --> 00:04:31,895
Ugh!
86
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,664
Oh, my god.
87
00:04:33,666 --> 00:04:35,565
You have to see this house.
88
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,902
It has an entertainment room
that would be so perfect
89
00:04:37,904 --> 00:04:39,537
for you to have
your buddies over
90
00:04:39,539 --> 00:04:41,505
so you can watch your
football matches, and then...
91
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,607
It's games, it's not matches.
92
00:04:43,609 --> 00:04:45,910
Uhm, anyway, there's
a chef's kitchen,
93
00:04:45,912 --> 00:04:47,678
newly remodeled bathrooms,
94
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,883
there's a study that would
make a perfect nursery.
95
00:04:51,885 --> 00:04:55,585
I think maybe we should
hold off on the house.
96
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,653
Why?
97
00:04:56,655 --> 00:05:00,758
I just got here, you
know, starting a new job.
98
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,460
There's a lot to figure out.
99
00:05:02,462 --> 00:05:05,732
You don't have to
figure us out, right?
100
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:09,534
You do?
101
00:05:09,536 --> 00:05:11,301
Now, Charlotte,
just wait a minute.
102
00:05:11,303 --> 00:05:13,303
No, no, no no, no,
I am not waiting.
103
00:05:13,305 --> 00:05:15,673
I waited through college,
through med school
104
00:05:15,675 --> 00:05:16,641
and through your residency.
105
00:05:16,643 --> 00:05:18,341
That was the plan.
106
00:05:18,343 --> 00:05:20,645
I know, I know, and
you've been so great
107
00:05:20,647 --> 00:05:21,679
through all of that.
108
00:05:21,681 --> 00:05:22,612
Is there someone else?
109
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:24,016
Is it that Nurse Newcombe?
110
00:05:24,018 --> 00:05:25,616
No, no way.
111
00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:26,752
Well, then what is it?
112
00:05:26,754 --> 00:05:28,621
It's just, you,
113
00:05:30,024 --> 00:05:31,723
so predictable.
114
00:05:31,725 --> 00:05:33,725
Wha, wha, wha, what the heck
does that mean?
115
00:05:33,727 --> 00:05:36,728
Up every morning at 6:00 a.m.,
the same Honey Nut Oatmeal,
116
00:05:36,730 --> 00:05:39,330
you're off to work, back home,
then in bed at 10 o'clock.
117
00:05:39,332 --> 00:05:40,698
You don't follow sports.
118
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:42,700
Sex, missionary position
with the lights off.
119
00:05:42,702 --> 00:05:44,502
There's no surprises.
120
00:05:44,504 --> 00:05:46,871
I'm bored out of my mind.
121
00:05:46,873 --> 00:05:50,542
Well, I didn't know it
was so horrible for you.
122
00:05:50,544 --> 00:05:53,779
Well that explains the
engagement ring,
123
00:05:53,781 --> 00:05:57,950
the promise ring and the
pre-promise ring.
124
00:05:57,952 --> 00:06:01,254
14 years, Steven!
125
00:06:01,554 --> 00:06:05,356
In hindsight, I probably
should have done this sooner.
126
00:06:05,358 --> 00:06:07,391
Did you bring me up here
so I wouldn't make a scene?
127
00:06:07,393 --> 00:06:08,459
Because I am gonna make a scene.
128
00:06:08,461 --> 00:06:09,827
I'm gonna tell
everybody in town.
129
00:06:09,829 --> 00:06:10,762
I'm gonna announce
it in church...
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00:06:10,764 --> 00:06:11,897
Charlotte,
131
00:06:11,899 --> 00:06:13,632
- would you please just...
- I'm gonna put posters up...
132
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:14,867
Hey, calm down
and hydrate, please.
133
00:06:14,869 --> 00:06:18,637
Don't you tell me to
hydrate, you jackass!
134
00:06:26,547 --> 00:06:28,314
Steven, are you okay?
135
00:06:29,984 --> 00:06:31,817
Fuck no!
136
00:06:31,819 --> 00:06:33,752
We find the
defendant, Charlotte Wells,
137
00:06:33,754 --> 00:06:36,923
guilty of criminal
assault and battery.
138
00:06:36,925 --> 00:06:39,391
If you complete
community service,
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00:06:39,393 --> 00:06:42,361
anger management
classes and probation,
140
00:06:42,363 --> 00:06:44,663
the felony charge
will be expunged.
141
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:47,035
Sentence is 30 days in jail.
142
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:53,405
Don't tell me how
to live my life.
143
00:06:53,407 --> 00:06:54,873
Yes sir, motherfucker.
144
00:06:54,875 --> 00:06:56,677
Goddamn fucking shit.
145
00:06:59,113 --> 00:07:03,082
I gotta do me, fuck all y'all
if you can't appreciate!
146
00:07:03,084 --> 00:07:03,952
Step off!
147
00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:07,120
Who do you think you
are, Princess Elsa?
148
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:09,656
It's not goddamn Arendelle.
149
00:07:09,658 --> 00:07:10,926
Skinny ass bitch!
150
00:07:34,449 --> 00:07:35,016
Ash?
151
00:07:35,817 --> 00:07:36,685
Ashley?
152
00:07:40,188 --> 00:07:41,756
Oh, yeah
153
00:07:45,093 --> 00:07:46,127
Give it baby
154
00:07:48,931 --> 00:07:52,066
That's what I'm
talking about, baby
155
00:07:52,068 --> 00:07:54,068
Ow, ow, hot, hot, hot.
156
00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:55,803
I'm on fire.
157
00:07:55,805 --> 00:07:56,672
Oh, yeah.
158
00:08:00,776 --> 00:08:04,711
Somebody's
earning their lunch money.
159
00:08:04,713 --> 00:08:05,780
Oh, yeah.
160
00:08:11,954 --> 00:08:13,621
Jesus, Brandon,
what can I say?
161
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:16,857
She's a treacherous whore,
you're better off without her.
162
00:08:16,859 --> 00:08:18,759
You're gonna give
yourself a heart attack.
163
00:08:18,761 --> 00:08:19,996
What've you gone,
164
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:22,062
a mile and a half?
165
00:08:22,064 --> 00:08:24,632
Shit, you're in terrible shape.
166
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:28,535
I bought this bike
so that I could get fit
167
00:08:28,537 --> 00:08:30,738
and do the Rwanda ride.
168
00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:32,640
You ever seen me on it?
169
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:34,074
No.
170
00:08:34,076 --> 00:08:35,644
The whore's right, Dan.
171
00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:38,545
I can't commit to
anything, especially women.
172
00:08:38,547 --> 00:08:40,714
Which explains why
I've had 50 girlfriends
173
00:08:40,716 --> 00:08:43,051
in the past 10 years.
174
00:08:43,053 --> 00:08:45,721
I can get 'em but
I can't keep 'em.
175
00:08:46,555 --> 00:08:48,589
I want a lasting love, Dan.
176
00:08:48,591 --> 00:08:49,492
I wanna be married.
177
00:08:50,526 --> 00:08:53,094
You have had a run of
lousy luck with women.
178
00:08:53,096 --> 00:08:55,095
Luck has nothing to
do with it, it's me.
179
00:08:55,097 --> 00:08:56,597
It has to be me.
180
00:08:56,599 --> 00:08:58,098
I have to change, Dan.
181
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:01,438
Come on champ, you stink,
let's go get a shower.
182
00:09:09,179 --> 00:09:09,744
Welcome home, girl.
183
00:09:09,746 --> 00:09:12,280
Oh my god!
184
00:09:12,282 --> 00:09:13,580
Ow!
185
00:09:13,582 --> 00:09:15,516
- Oh, my god.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow!
186
00:09:15,518 --> 00:09:16,952
I'm so sorry.
187
00:09:16,954 --> 00:09:19,753
Carly, I'm so sorry,
it's my prison reflexes.
188
00:09:19,755 --> 00:09:20,721
Fuck that hurt!
189
00:09:20,723 --> 00:09:22,960
Oh my god, you are so strong.
190
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:27,163
Is it sick that I envy you?
191
00:09:27,165 --> 00:09:28,997
You're an ass kicker now.
192
00:09:28,999 --> 00:09:31,300
You look great,
you've lost weight.
193
00:09:31,302 --> 00:09:32,368
Man, I wanna go to jail.
194
00:09:32,370 --> 00:09:36,604
Oh yeah, everybody
should, and it's so simple.
195
00:09:36,606 --> 00:09:37,973
All you have to do is
spend half your life
196
00:09:37,975 --> 00:09:41,042
in a disastrous relationship
and commit a felony.
197
00:09:41,044 --> 00:09:43,278
Okay, none of
which was your fault.
198
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,647
It was all my fault.
199
00:09:45,649 --> 00:09:49,151
Look, okay, I read online
that the average woman
200
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:50,686
will have four serious
relationship before she gets
201
00:09:50,688 --> 00:09:52,587
married. So, at the
rate you're going,
202
00:09:52,589 --> 00:09:54,689
you're not gonna get
married till like you're 84.
203
00:09:54,691 --> 00:09:56,759
You need to get right
back on the horse.
204
00:09:56,761 --> 00:09:58,060
How?
205
00:09:58,062 --> 00:10:00,096
I have nothing to offer.
206
00:10:00,098 --> 00:10:02,198
Men just want some spontaneous,
207
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,634
unpredictable sexual deviant.
208
00:10:05,069 --> 00:10:06,701
Girl, you're giving
men too much credit.
209
00:10:06,703 --> 00:10:07,969
They're simple beasts.
210
00:10:07,971 --> 00:10:10,772
All's they crave is
sex, sports, beer, food
211
00:10:10,774 --> 00:10:12,342
and sometimes a little anal.
212
00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:13,176
Really?
213
00:10:13,178 --> 00:10:13,843
Really.
214
00:10:13,845 --> 00:10:14,710
Really?
215
00:10:14,712 --> 00:10:16,245
Really.
216
00:10:16,247 --> 00:10:18,781
Okay, if that's what men want,
217
00:10:18,783 --> 00:10:20,950
then that is what
I'm gonna give them.
218
00:10:20,952 --> 00:10:23,686
Except that last part,
not gonna happen.
219
00:10:23,688 --> 00:10:24,854
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: Yeah, yeah,
220
00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:27,089
we've all seen the
makeover sequence
221
00:10:27,091 --> 00:10:28,960
so I won't bore you with it.
222
00:10:51,949 --> 00:10:54,717
Kapernick, Manning,
Brees, cradle the balls!
223
00:10:54,719 --> 00:10:55,818
Work the shaft!
224
00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:56,952
Yes!
225
00:10:56,954 --> 00:10:59,155
You are now an expert on men.
226
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:01,658
All right, this is all
the shit that he gave you
227
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,393
over the last 14 years.
228
00:11:03,395 --> 00:11:05,798
Throw away, sell online and,
229
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,333
whatever the fuck this is.
230
00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:12,701
Yeah, he got it at an
Infectious Diseases Conference
231
00:11:12,703 --> 00:11:14,137
in Shanghai.
232
00:11:14,139 --> 00:11:15,773
I kinda like it.
233
00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:20,045
It's going.
234
00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:22,247
Yeah, this is disgusting.
235
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:38,363
Hmm.
236
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,494
Wow, so you're a
graphic designer,
237
00:13:15,496 --> 00:13:17,231
you must be really artistic.
238
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:21,500
Well, I have been called
the Vermeer of napkin art.
239
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:26,872
Wait, what are you watching?
240
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:29,210
Oh, it's this, this silly show
241
00:13:30,545 --> 00:13:32,878
about this Swiss
police woman who is...
242
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,146
Schweizer Polizei Frau?
243
00:13:34,148 --> 00:13:35,380
You know it?
244
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,381
Ja!
245
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,888
I binge-watched all seven
seasons in like six days.
246
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,223
Yeah, I'm on season four.
247
00:13:44,225 --> 00:13:46,825
Oh, there's great
ones coming up.
248
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:50,829
We talked last
night for four hours.
249
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,999
I think he's a really nice guy.
250
00:13:53,001 --> 00:13:53,967
Oh.
251
00:13:53,969 --> 00:13:55,867
Do you think I should
tell him about Steven?
252
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,837
If you never wanna
hear from him again.
253
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:01,940
Dating one guy your whole
life might come off a little...
254
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:02,908
- Sad?
- Freakish.
255
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:05,077
Like you were raised on
a polygamist compound.
256
00:14:05,079 --> 00:14:07,480
Don't show him the
woman you were,
257
00:14:07,482 --> 00:14:10,418
show him the woman
you're going to be.
258
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,252
You mean lie?
259
00:14:12,254 --> 00:14:13,886
Hell yes, lie.
260
00:14:13,888 --> 00:14:16,856
Don't tell her you have
56K in student loans.
261
00:14:16,858 --> 00:14:18,524
Tell her you have
a 10 inch schlong
262
00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:21,060
and you're the heir
to Walmart fortune.
263
00:14:21,062 --> 00:14:21,928
It's the internet.
264
00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:23,498
If you're not lying,
your not trying.
265
00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:25,800
Hey, hey!
266
00:14:27,535 --> 00:14:29,835
My last boyfriend? Uh...
267
00:14:29,837 --> 00:14:35,242
Let's see, I was with
him for 14 months.
268
00:14:35,244 --> 00:14:38,612
Wow, so brief.
269
00:14:38,614 --> 00:14:41,515
Well, how long do your
relationships only last for?
270
00:14:41,517 --> 00:14:44,551
Uh, you know, two,
271
00:14:44,553 --> 00:14:45,552
three years.
272
00:14:45,554 --> 00:14:47,987
So, you haven't been
with that many women.
273
00:14:47,989 --> 00:14:49,889
A handful.
274
00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:53,893
You know, for me, it's more
about quality than quantity.
275
00:14:53,895 --> 00:14:55,395
My biggest fault?
276
00:14:55,397 --> 00:14:57,930
Sometimes, I give
too much, you know,
277
00:14:57,932 --> 00:14:59,533
whether it's work
or relationships.
278
00:14:59,535 --> 00:15:03,337
I'm all in, kind of a warp
speed ahead kinda guy.
279
00:15:03,339 --> 00:15:06,073
And sometimes, I'm so
spontaneous and unpredictable
280
00:15:06,075 --> 00:15:07,541
that people find it exhausting.
281
00:15:07,543 --> 00:15:09,278
But I'm working on that.
282
00:15:10,012 --> 00:15:11,478
I mean maybe 'cause I'm country
283
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,581
but there's nothing like
a cold brewski, right?
284
00:15:14,583 --> 00:15:16,015
Hell yeah.
285
00:15:16,017 --> 00:15:17,418
Steelers baby!
286
00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:19,219
Big Ben is my boy.
287
00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:22,558
The San Diego Super Chargers!
288
00:15:23,527 --> 00:15:25,360
Well, you're looking
at the two-time
289
00:15:25,362 --> 00:15:27,997
salsa dancing champion
of West Virginia.
290
00:15:30,534 --> 00:15:33,167
Look, I'm not saying I'm
Lance Armstrong or anything,
291
00:15:33,169 --> 00:15:35,002
I'm kinda on the
level just below him,
292
00:15:35,004 --> 00:15:37,071
but cycling is my passion.
293
00:15:37,073 --> 00:15:39,206
God, you're food
looks amazing,
294
00:15:39,208 --> 00:15:40,974
where did you learn to cook?
295
00:15:40,976 --> 00:15:41,842
Oh please, look at you,
296
00:15:41,844 --> 00:15:43,346
making your own
pasta from scratch?
297
00:15:45,281 --> 00:15:46,613
You have beautiful eyes.
298
00:15:46,615 --> 00:15:49,019
You have a very sexy smile.
299
00:15:49,686 --> 00:15:50,951
Salut.
300
00:15:50,953 --> 00:15:52,155
Saluts.
301
00:15:52,556 --> 00:15:54,089
Oh, oh, god!
302
00:15:54,091 --> 00:15:55,690
Hey.
303
00:15:55,692 --> 00:15:56,358
Ah, no, no!
304
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:57,459
No, it's not what you think.
305
00:15:57,461 --> 00:16:01,629
I just, I didn't have
time to get dressed before...
306
00:16:01,631 --> 00:16:01,997
Me too.
307
00:16:05,935 --> 00:16:07,067
I want you.
308
00:16:07,069 --> 00:16:08,302
Come to LA.
309
00:16:08,304 --> 00:16:10,003
I'll pay for the ticket.
310
00:16:10,005 --> 00:16:12,641
Look, I want to so bad,
but I looked into tickets,
311
00:16:12,643 --> 00:16:14,976
they are $700.
312
00:16:14,978 --> 00:16:16,311
Or we could split it,
313
00:16:16,313 --> 00:16:18,714
if it feels like I
coming on too strong.
314
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:22,519
This is gonna be so amazing!
315
00:16:22,719 --> 00:16:24,686
Oh my god, I can't
believe I'm here.
316
00:16:24,688 --> 00:16:26,388
I can't
believe you're here.
317
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:28,723
Oh, I
love your car.
318
00:16:28,725 --> 00:16:29,691
Thanks.
319
00:16:39,470 --> 00:16:42,505
So that's the Getty
Villa, right there.
320
00:16:42,507 --> 00:16:44,272
J. Paul Getty was the
world's richest man
321
00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:47,710
but he had a pay phone
for all his house guests.
322
00:16:47,712 --> 00:16:50,178
Oh god, what a cheapskate.
323
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:52,547
I hate that!
324
00:16:52,549 --> 00:16:54,683
Yeah.
325
00:16:54,685 --> 00:16:56,586
Me too.
326
00:16:57,654 --> 00:16:59,021
Hey, isn't that,
that restaurant
327
00:16:59,023 --> 00:17:00,625
where all the
celebrities hang out?
328
00:17:01,058 --> 00:17:01,957
Yeah.
329
00:17:01,959 --> 00:17:03,225
Have
you ever been there?
330
00:17:03,227 --> 00:17:04,160
Sure.
331
00:17:04,162 --> 00:17:05,630
Oh, I bet it's amazing.
332
00:17:36,227 --> 00:17:37,526
It's gettin'
kinda chilly, huh.
333
00:17:37,528 --> 00:17:38,762
- Yeah.
- Wanna head back?
334
00:17:38,764 --> 00:17:40,531
Sure.
335
00:17:40,731 --> 00:17:43,668
Or, we could jump in the water.
336
00:17:46,304 --> 00:17:47,270
Yeah, right.
337
00:17:47,272 --> 00:17:48,405
No, I'm serious.
338
00:17:48,407 --> 00:17:50,507
Come on, Charlotte, you
just ate five course meal,
339
00:17:50,509 --> 00:17:51,408
you're not going for a swim.
340
00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:52,342
No, come on, let's do it.
341
00:17:52,344 --> 00:17:53,677
I've never even been
in the ocean before
342
00:17:53,679 --> 00:17:55,212
and it would just
be like absolutely...
343
00:17:55,214 --> 00:17:56,613
Hey, hey, listen to me.
344
00:17:56,615 --> 00:17:58,582
We're not jumping off the pier.
345
00:17:59,818 --> 00:18:00,985
Oh, my god.
346
00:18:01,653 --> 00:18:04,721
Okay, you are completely insane!
347
00:18:04,723 --> 00:18:05,555
Really?
348
00:18:05,557 --> 00:18:06,656
Yes, you're crazy.
349
00:18:06,658 --> 00:18:09,494
And you are the most
exciting guy I've ever met.
350
00:18:10,094 --> 00:18:10,627
Really?
351
00:18:10,629 --> 00:18:11,296
Yeah.
352
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,122
All right, Carly, let's
see what you got me.
353
00:18:38,324 --> 00:18:39,390
How does...
354
00:18:39,392 --> 00:18:41,659
I don't even...
355
00:18:41,661 --> 00:18:43,228
I'm not using that.
356
00:18:51,303 --> 00:18:52,437
I've seen thicker dental floss.
357
00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:02,747
You are one sexy
bitch, Charlotte.
358
00:19:02,749 --> 00:19:05,149
And you've had sex
with a thousand men.
359
00:19:05,151 --> 00:19:05,883
With a hundred men.
360
00:19:05,885 --> 00:19:08,488
23, eight, eight.
361
00:19:16,596 --> 00:19:20,733
You're gonna go in there and
be just a super sexy lady.
362
00:19:22,735 --> 00:19:24,538
God, I look like my
mom with these things.
363
00:20:07,413 --> 00:20:08,112
Ow!
364
00:20:08,114 --> 00:20:09,580
Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
365
00:20:09,582 --> 00:20:10,581
So you like it rough?
366
00:20:10,583 --> 00:20:11,851
Huh, oh no, I was just...
367
00:20:11,853 --> 00:20:13,685
'Cause I can be really rough.
368
00:20:13,687 --> 00:20:16,889
Oh yeah, no, I'm rough,
I'm like super rough.
369
00:20:16,891 --> 00:20:18,390
Like this kinda rough?
370
00:20:18,392 --> 00:20:19,324
Ah!
371
00:20:19,326 --> 00:20:20,392
Oh!
372
00:20:20,394 --> 00:20:23,729
Goin' for the sexy proctologist,
yeah, no I dig that.
373
00:20:23,731 --> 00:20:24,596
Yeah?
374
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:25,731
Is that all you got?
375
00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:27,566
You're in luck
'cause his two friends
376
00:20:27,568 --> 00:20:29,468
just decided to join the party.
377
00:20:37,244 --> 00:20:39,313
What're you thinking?
378
00:20:40,715 --> 00:20:42,651
I was just thinking, uhm
379
00:20:44,218 --> 00:20:47,352
I was just wondering,
380
00:20:47,354 --> 00:20:50,591
if it's too soon to
tell him that um,
381
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,895
he's just the kind of man
I've always wanted to be with.
382
00:20:55,396 --> 00:20:58,530
Confident and uhm,
383
00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,767
unhesitating,
384
00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:02,203
sure of what he wants.
385
00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:04,904
Extremely handsome.
386
00:21:04,906 --> 00:21:07,006
Well.
387
00:21:07,008 --> 00:21:09,244
And um,
388
00:21:10,945 --> 00:21:13,213
it's gonna break my heart
to get back on that plane.
389
00:21:16,851 --> 00:21:18,651
Well, that's funny actually,
390
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:23,824
because I was
thinking that she is
391
00:21:23,826 --> 00:21:27,427
the most exciting
392
00:21:27,429 --> 00:21:31,330
and spontaneous person
393
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:34,300
I've met in my entire life.
394
00:21:34,302 --> 00:21:37,639
Not to mention gorgeous,
bombshell, knockout
395
00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:40,907
and blonde too, the
most blonde person.
396
00:21:44,612 --> 00:21:45,745
And I was actually wondering
397
00:21:45,747 --> 00:21:47,583
if it's too soon
to give her this.
398
00:21:51,554 --> 00:21:53,556
And to tell her that I love her.
399
00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:24,718
I know this is
moving insanely fast
400
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,521
but she's not like
the women here.
401
00:22:27,523 --> 00:22:29,056
Is that a heel mark?
402
00:22:29,058 --> 00:22:31,391
She's sexy and smart
403
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:32,926
and we just have
this, this connection!
404
00:22:32,928 --> 00:22:35,029
What did you get
on my upholstery?
405
00:22:35,031 --> 00:22:36,664
Oh, that's just saltwater.
406
00:22:36,666 --> 00:22:38,432
Is that what the
kids are calling it?
407
00:22:38,434 --> 00:22:40,367
You desecrated the Stang!
408
00:22:40,369 --> 00:22:41,703
Dude, I'll get it
washed and waxed.
409
00:22:41,705 --> 00:22:43,705
Are you listening to what
I'm saying, I'm in love.
410
00:22:43,707 --> 00:22:45,506
I can clearly see
that you're excited
411
00:22:45,508 --> 00:22:47,674
and I'm very happy
for you, really I am.
412
00:22:47,676 --> 00:22:48,711
Okay yes.
413
00:22:54,450 --> 00:22:56,350
You might wanna keep
this for your scrap book.
414
00:22:56,352 --> 00:22:56,986
Oh, yes.
415
00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:00,021
That's her neck.
416
00:23:00,023 --> 00:23:00,889
Just smell that.
417
00:23:00,891 --> 00:23:01,923
- No.
- Just smell.
418
00:23:01,925 --> 00:23:02,957
- It's just a neck.
- It's not..
419
00:23:02,959 --> 00:23:04,759
- It's a neutral zone.
- This is not appropriate.
420
00:23:04,761 --> 00:23:06,694
Oh god, that's good.
421
00:23:06,696 --> 00:23:10,598
And, did you do the
things that we talked about?
422
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,467
We did things no
one talks about.
423
00:23:12,469 --> 00:23:15,402
Ooh, and how did that go?
424
00:23:15,404 --> 00:23:16,738
He gave me this.
425
00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:17,572
Oh, my god.
426
00:23:17,574 --> 00:23:19,707
And he told me
that he loves me.
427
00:23:19,709 --> 00:23:21,608
Oh, my god!
428
00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:22,978
I know, and I told
him I love him too
429
00:23:22,980 --> 00:23:25,713
which I know seems
like crazy and rushed
430
00:23:25,715 --> 00:23:28,550
but it was just so magical.
431
00:23:28,552 --> 00:23:30,420
That no good mother.
432
00:23:43,166 --> 00:23:44,732
You know, good for him.
433
00:23:44,734 --> 00:23:46,769
Good for him, he
deserves to be happy.
434
00:23:46,771 --> 00:23:48,504
Char...
435
00:23:48,506 --> 00:23:50,639
I know what you're gonna
say and I'm gonna be fine
436
00:23:50,641 --> 00:23:53,676
because I'm happy
and he's happy.
437
00:23:53,678 --> 00:23:55,578
- Charlotte!
- And everybody's happy.
438
00:23:55,580 --> 00:23:56,411
Charlotte!
439
00:23:56,413 --> 00:23:57,445
It's gonna be,
440
00:23:57,447 --> 00:23:58,115
oh my god!
441
00:24:09,060 --> 00:24:09,927
Asshole!
442
00:24:11,596 --> 00:24:14,730
No, you cannot cause an
avalanche just by yodeling.
443
00:24:14,732 --> 00:24:17,800
No, I am telling you,
it is completely possible.
444
00:24:17,802 --> 00:24:19,068
You can't.
445
00:24:19,070 --> 00:24:20,769
And even if you could,
446
00:24:20,771 --> 00:24:23,138
you can't make it fall right
on a fleeing bank robber.
447
00:24:23,140 --> 00:24:25,541
Schweizer Polizei Frau can.
448
00:24:25,543 --> 00:24:26,577
Yeah well.
449
00:24:27,845 --> 00:24:31,881
Hey, I made something at work
today, you mind taking a look?
450
00:24:31,883 --> 00:24:33,017
Yeah, sure.
451
00:24:39,157 --> 00:24:40,857
Hey, is that me?
452
00:24:40,859 --> 00:24:41,960
Lookin' good.
453
00:24:49,567 --> 00:24:51,903
Oh, thank you, it's beautiful.
454
00:25:03,882 --> 00:25:07,753
It would be the most
unpredictable thing ever.
455
00:25:09,755 --> 00:25:12,958
It would be the
ultimate commitment.
456
00:25:22,734 --> 00:25:23,702
Geronimo!
457
00:25:35,013 --> 00:25:36,112
We want a divorce.
458
00:25:36,114 --> 00:25:37,614
Between the two of ya?
459
00:25:37,616 --> 00:25:38,581
Yep.
460
00:25:38,583 --> 00:25:39,816
Well, I'll be, usually,
461
00:25:39,818 --> 00:25:42,585
I represent only one
party's interests.
462
00:25:42,587 --> 00:25:43,520
We have the same interest.
463
00:25:43,522 --> 00:25:44,721
An immediate divorce.
464
00:25:44,723 --> 00:25:46,824
Well then, I reckon
we oughta discuss
465
00:25:46,826 --> 00:25:48,626
dividin' property, assets...
466
00:25:48,628 --> 00:25:49,794
We don't have any.
467
00:25:49,796 --> 00:25:52,529
How long you two been hitched?
468
00:25:52,531 --> 00:25:53,898
BRANDON AND
CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
469
00:25:53,900 --> 00:25:54,767
10 days?
470
00:26:04,609 --> 00:26:05,608
Oh!
471
00:26:05,610 --> 00:26:06,776
Thank you so much, Carly.
472
00:26:06,778 --> 00:26:09,115
Thanks, Carly, it's awesome!
473
00:26:10,049 --> 00:26:11,749
Oh, and that is from us.
474
00:26:11,751 --> 00:26:12,850
Oh.
475
00:26:12,852 --> 00:26:13,720
Thank you.
476
00:26:21,728 --> 00:26:25,262
Aw, thank you very much, that's
so sweet, Jerry and Judy.
477
00:26:25,264 --> 00:26:27,765
Thanks, Mom, thanks,
Dad, that's uh.
478
00:26:27,767 --> 00:26:30,001
No, the people
of Tibet thank you.
479
00:26:30,003 --> 00:26:34,005
It's such a noble
gesture in your name.
480
00:26:34,007 --> 00:26:35,807
Though it has none of
the bourgeoisie cache
481
00:26:35,809 --> 00:26:38,045
of a shiny kitchen appliance.
482
00:26:39,847 --> 00:26:42,080
Anyway, speaking
of exotic places,
483
00:26:42,082 --> 00:26:43,647
have you guys finally decided
484
00:26:43,649 --> 00:26:44,582
where you're gonna
take your honeymoon?
485
00:26:44,584 --> 00:26:46,917
Not yet, I'm start
teaching really soon
486
00:26:46,919 --> 00:26:50,355
and we have to find a bigger
apartment or maybe a house.
487
00:26:50,357 --> 00:26:52,089
Oh.
488
00:26:52,091 --> 00:26:54,091
So we have to
put that on hold.
489
00:26:54,093 --> 00:26:56,660
No, no, no, you must do
something special, Brandon.
490
00:26:56,662 --> 00:26:58,295
Sri Lanka is lovely.
491
00:26:58,297 --> 00:27:00,699
As far as exploited,
underdeveloped
492
00:27:00,701 --> 00:27:01,900
island nations go.
493
00:27:01,902 --> 00:27:05,037
It's really the sad teardrop
of the Indian subcontinent.
494
00:27:05,039 --> 00:27:06,738
But the beaches are beautiful.
495
00:27:06,740 --> 00:27:08,240
Well, that sounds
fun, right, honey?
496
00:27:08,242 --> 00:27:11,810
Oh yeah, it's just a shame
about all the tsunamis.
497
00:27:11,812 --> 00:27:13,245
I'll tell you what
though, for special,
498
00:27:13,247 --> 00:27:14,880
there's some really great spots
499
00:27:14,882 --> 00:27:16,747
right within driving distance.
500
00:27:16,749 --> 00:27:19,920
I mean, San Diego,
Santa Barbara, Pismo.
501
00:27:21,754 --> 00:27:22,621
Oh, what about you?
502
00:27:22,623 --> 00:27:24,223
Where'd you two go
on your honeymoon?
503
00:27:24,225 --> 00:27:25,324
Jail.
504
00:27:29,797 --> 00:27:31,029
He's not kidding.
505
00:27:31,031 --> 00:27:32,631
After we exchanged our vows,
506
00:27:32,633 --> 00:27:34,699
we went off to a No Nukes rally,
507
00:27:34,701 --> 00:27:37,370
she acted up and the
po-po picked us up
508
00:27:37,372 --> 00:27:38,770
and threw us both
in the slammer.
509
00:27:38,772 --> 00:27:41,306
So you spent your
whole honeymoon in jail?
510
00:27:41,308 --> 00:27:42,475
We had only known
each other 10 days
511
00:27:42,477 --> 00:27:46,779
so every minute we spent
together was like a honeymoon.
512
00:27:46,781 --> 00:27:50,649
And we actually managed to slip
a little connubial bliss in
513
00:27:50,651 --> 00:27:52,754
right under the man's nose.
514
00:27:55,190 --> 00:27:57,290
So we were in
adjacent cells, right,
515
00:27:57,292 --> 00:27:59,992
and right after all of the
other inmates went to sleep,
516
00:27:59,994 --> 00:28:02,861
my beautiful bride, she
backed her tight little rump
517
00:28:02,863 --> 00:28:04,863
right up against the bars,
518
00:28:04,865 --> 00:28:09,868
I dropped trou and we made
the sweetest, sweetest love.
519
00:28:09,870 --> 00:28:12,740
Oh, oh, Christ,
I need a drink!
520
00:28:16,878 --> 00:28:19,145
Being an only child and
losing both my parents,
521
00:28:19,147 --> 00:28:22,281
I definitely want a big family,
like three or four kids.
522
00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:24,450
You know, they say, it
costs over a quarter million
523
00:28:24,452 --> 00:28:27,753
to raise a child and
that's before college.
524
00:28:27,755 --> 00:28:30,756
You can't put a
price tag on happiness.
525
00:28:30,758 --> 00:28:34,727
True but I was an only
child and I have to say,
526
00:28:34,729 --> 00:28:35,462
I was very happy.
527
00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:37,431
Oh come on, Brandon.
528
00:28:37,433 --> 00:28:39,266
You use to always want
a younger brother.
529
00:28:39,268 --> 00:28:42,369
And a matter of fact,
Brandon was an accident.
530
00:28:42,371 --> 00:28:44,071
We thought long and hard
531
00:28:44,073 --> 00:28:46,072
about whether or not
we should keep him.
532
00:28:46,074 --> 00:28:47,940
You were gonna put
him up for adoption?
533
00:28:47,942 --> 00:28:50,344
Oh god no, I wouldn't
have the heart for that.
534
00:28:50,346 --> 00:28:53,045
We were gonna abort him.
535
00:28:53,047 --> 00:28:53,915
Jesus.
536
00:28:55,016 --> 00:28:56,716
But we were in Burma,
537
00:28:56,718 --> 00:28:59,052
we couldn't find anyone
to perform the procedure.
538
00:28:59,054 --> 00:29:00,022
Thank god.
539
00:29:01,157 --> 00:29:03,390
I think we made
the right decision.
540
00:29:03,392 --> 00:29:04,326
I do too.
541
00:29:05,761 --> 00:29:06,960
Most of the time.
542
00:29:06,962 --> 00:29:09,329
Oh, Jerry.
543
00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:10,497
Hey, you know, we
better get going,
544
00:29:10,499 --> 00:29:13,834
we got a flight to catch, we
gotta get to Buenos Aries.
545
00:29:13,836 --> 00:29:16,069
Oh, leaving so soon?
546
00:29:16,071 --> 00:29:17,337
We're gonna the Antarctica,
547
00:29:17,339 --> 00:29:19,872
we're gonna scuttle some
Japanese whale killers.
548
00:29:19,874 --> 00:29:20,773
If it were up to me,
549
00:29:20,775 --> 00:29:23,311
I'd have those boats
sunk in the ocean
550
00:29:23,313 --> 00:29:26,847
and have any remaining
survivors fed to the sharks.
551
00:29:26,849 --> 00:29:28,815
I hear you, I
respect your feelings.
552
00:29:28,817 --> 00:29:31,885
Now, get you things we
gotta go, we gonna be late.
553
00:29:31,887 --> 00:29:34,522
Charlotte, it's been
so lovely meeting you.
554
00:29:34,524 --> 00:29:35,523
Likewise.
555
00:29:35,525 --> 00:29:37,124
Carly, till next time.
556
00:29:37,126 --> 00:29:38,992
Okay, let's go.
557
00:29:38,994 --> 00:29:43,699
She gets so blood thirsty
when it comes to the Japanese.
558
00:29:45,834 --> 00:29:47,502
Those are some
weird fucking people.
559
00:29:47,504 --> 00:29:50,807
Okay, I don't
know, they're unique.
560
00:29:52,409 --> 00:29:54,542
It's kinda refreshing.
561
00:29:54,544 --> 00:29:55,876
You need to be thankful
562
00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:57,212
that their DNA
skipped a generation.
563
00:29:59,149 --> 00:30:01,949
But isn't, Brandon's
pretty amazing, right?
564
00:30:01,951 --> 00:30:04,117
You did good, girl.
565
00:30:04,119 --> 00:30:06,820
And he can't freak if he finds
out that you're a jail bird.
566
00:30:06,822 --> 00:30:07,955
'Cause with parents like that,
567
00:30:07,957 --> 00:30:09,557
he was probably
conceived in the joint.
568
00:30:09,559 --> 00:30:11,826
Why would you tell
Charlotte the Stang is yours?
569
00:30:11,828 --> 00:30:13,194
You're the one
who told me to lie.
570
00:30:13,196 --> 00:30:15,196
When you're trying to
lure her to the honey pot!
571
00:30:15,198 --> 00:30:17,031
You can't keep it going
now that you're married.
572
00:30:17,033 --> 00:30:18,266
It's insane.
573
00:30:18,268 --> 00:30:19,568
Just let me break it
to her slowly, okay?
574
00:30:19,570 --> 00:30:22,337
Can you go along with
it for a couple weeks?
575
00:30:22,339 --> 00:30:23,471
Come on man, you
have another car.
576
00:30:23,473 --> 00:30:24,472
Please, I'll owe you.
577
00:30:24,474 --> 00:30:25,406
With what?
578
00:30:25,408 --> 00:30:26,808
You don't have any money.
579
00:30:26,810 --> 00:30:28,009
Which you also told me
not to tell her about.
580
00:30:28,011 --> 00:30:30,979
And now she's talking about
honeymoons and houses and kids.
581
00:30:30,981 --> 00:30:33,348
Well, you screwed up,
man, you took my advice.
582
00:30:33,350 --> 00:30:36,018
Okay, okay, okay okay,
you can take the Stang
583
00:30:36,020 --> 00:30:37,986
for a couple more weeks but, but
584
00:30:37,988 --> 00:30:40,089
if I see you drive
it more than twice,
585
00:30:40,091 --> 00:30:42,090
I will bring down
your house of cards.
586
00:30:42,092 --> 00:30:43,091
Understood, thanks.
587
00:30:43,093 --> 00:30:44,593
I'll see you at dinner.
588
00:30:44,595 --> 00:30:47,496
No, this is yours now,
you have to take care of it!
589
00:30:47,498 --> 00:30:48,332
Oh!
590
00:30:49,567 --> 00:30:51,567
Our first dinner party
as a married couple.
591
00:30:51,569 --> 00:30:52,401
Yeah.
592
00:30:52,403 --> 00:30:54,436
What are you making?
593
00:30:54,438 --> 00:30:59,377
Well, I thought maybe you
could make your homemade pasta.
594
00:31:04,215 --> 00:31:06,548
I remember on our honeymoon,
we went to a movie in Maui
595
00:31:06,550 --> 00:31:08,884
and Dan was playing
with his wedding ring,
596
00:31:08,886 --> 00:31:11,053
it fell off and
rolled down the floor.
597
00:31:11,055 --> 00:31:12,288
Ting, ting, ting, ting.
598
00:31:12,290 --> 00:31:13,888
We had to wait till
the movie was over
599
00:31:13,890 --> 00:31:15,190
and then search through
all this popcorn
600
00:31:15,192 --> 00:31:17,859
and crud and found it
in a puddle of Pepsi.
601
00:31:17,861 --> 00:31:19,328
She was really mad.
602
00:31:19,330 --> 00:31:20,995
And then the next
week, he does it again!
603
00:31:20,997 --> 00:31:23,899
And she punched me
right in the dick.
604
00:31:25,637 --> 00:31:28,571
You're lucky I
didn't divorce you.
605
00:31:28,573 --> 00:31:31,106
It turned out he done
it intentionally.
606
00:31:31,108 --> 00:31:33,042
Well yeah, so I had
tied it to a string
607
00:31:33,044 --> 00:31:35,545
and I was pulling it along
and she kept going after it.
608
00:31:35,547 --> 00:31:37,012
That was really.
609
00:31:39,583 --> 00:31:41,350
Oh god, weren't you furious?
610
00:31:41,352 --> 00:31:42,186
Yes.
611
00:31:43,421 --> 00:31:46,121
But then I realized
that this is who Dan is
612
00:31:46,123 --> 00:31:48,058
and that's why I love him.
613
00:31:48,060 --> 00:31:49,426
That's why she loves me.
614
00:31:49,428 --> 00:31:50,660
He's a lovable jackass.
615
00:31:50,662 --> 00:31:52,595
My ass is very jacked.
616
00:31:54,399 --> 00:31:55,200
Moving on!
617
00:31:56,535 --> 00:31:59,369
Brandon, what is
your biggest regret?
618
00:31:59,371 --> 00:32:01,604
My choice of best friends.
619
00:32:01,606 --> 00:32:02,572
I was just being honest.
620
00:32:02,574 --> 00:32:04,842
I'm just being honest.
621
00:32:06,378 --> 00:32:09,044
I guess maybe not
visiting my grandpa enough
622
00:32:09,046 --> 00:32:10,315
before he died.
623
00:32:11,451 --> 00:32:12,550
He was living in
this nursing home
624
00:32:12,552 --> 00:32:15,686
like a mile from our house and,
625
00:32:15,688 --> 00:32:17,120
I don't know, I
guess I was too busy
626
00:32:17,122 --> 00:32:19,324
being a teenager or something.
627
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:25,161
Anyway, I hope he forgave me.
628
00:32:25,163 --> 00:32:26,563
Of course he did.
629
00:32:26,565 --> 00:32:28,433
He knew you loved him.
630
00:32:43,683 --> 00:32:47,117
Okay, I gonna say
what we're all thinking.
631
00:32:47,119 --> 00:32:47,953
Four-way.
632
00:32:49,054 --> 00:32:49,888
Hey!
633
00:33:00,666 --> 00:33:03,667
Hey, how come you never
wear that necklace I gave you?
634
00:33:03,669 --> 00:33:05,469
Don't you like it?
635
00:33:05,471 --> 00:33:06,404
I love it.
636
00:33:06,406 --> 00:33:08,174
I absolutely love it.
637
00:33:09,008 --> 00:33:10,741
And you know what else I love?
638
00:33:10,743 --> 00:33:12,610
That pretty little ass of yours.
639
00:33:15,548 --> 00:33:18,284
You remember the three amigos?
640
00:33:23,089 --> 00:33:23,956
Arriba!
641
00:33:24,725 --> 00:33:26,058
Whoo!
642
00:33:36,602 --> 00:33:39,537
Schweitzer Polizei Frau.
643
00:33:46,012 --> 00:33:47,579
What are you working on?
644
00:33:47,581 --> 00:33:49,448
Welfare application.
645
00:33:49,450 --> 00:33:51,049
You?
646
00:33:51,051 --> 00:33:52,617
Suicide note.
647
00:33:52,619 --> 00:33:53,687
Touche.
648
00:33:55,222 --> 00:33:56,788
You know, screw it!
649
00:33:56,790 --> 00:33:59,724
I guess I'm gonna call
that slimy prick Matthew
650
00:33:59,726 --> 00:34:01,326
and see if he'll
throw us a bone.
651
00:34:01,328 --> 00:34:03,697
Oh man, that's gonna suck.
652
00:34:05,064 --> 00:34:06,598
You just know he's gonna make
you feel like a pathetic,
653
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,099
shit-eating failure.
654
00:34:09,101 --> 00:34:10,638
I'll call for you.
655
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,105
I'm just so glad I found it.
656
00:34:14,107 --> 00:34:15,607
I had to go to 10 different
stores to find it,
657
00:34:15,609 --> 00:34:17,444
and it cost $1,200.
658
00:34:18,278 --> 00:34:19,644
Oh, at that price,
659
00:34:19,646 --> 00:34:20,779
I think I would have
just come clean.
660
00:34:20,781 --> 00:34:25,584
Yeah, I wanted to but he
spent so much money on it,
661
00:34:25,586 --> 00:34:29,187
and, I don't know, he
picked it out himself
662
00:34:29,189 --> 00:34:31,692
which I think is very sweet, so.
663
00:34:34,094 --> 00:34:35,695
So, you
must be looking forward
664
00:34:35,697 --> 00:34:37,430
to getting back to work, huh?
665
00:34:37,432 --> 00:34:40,833
Yes, I'm so excited to be
back in the classroom with kids.
666
00:34:40,835 --> 00:34:42,702
It's gonna be nice to have
income coming in, too.
667
00:34:42,704 --> 00:34:44,704
Speaking of which,
I was thinking
668
00:34:44,706 --> 00:34:46,438
that we could start
planning our honeymoon.
669
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:49,241
You know, maybe go
on my spring break.
670
00:34:49,243 --> 00:34:51,578
What do you think about Aruba?
671
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:55,180
Yeah, that's fine.
672
00:34:55,182 --> 00:34:58,751
But what about
Catalina Island, huh?
673
00:34:58,753 --> 00:35:02,788
It's 26 miles across the
sea, it is beautiful.
674
00:35:02,790 --> 00:35:06,859
It's, uh, I mean, it's
where Natalie Wood drowned.
675
00:35:06,861 --> 00:35:08,661
Sounds romantic.
676
00:35:08,663 --> 00:35:10,229
Hey, you know what?
677
00:35:10,231 --> 00:35:12,231
I think we have to have
a couple drinks tonight.
678
00:35:12,233 --> 00:35:13,098
- Yeah?
- To celebrate
679
00:35:13,100 --> 00:35:14,300
your last couple
of days of leisure.
680
00:35:14,302 --> 00:35:15,268
What do you say?
681
00:35:15,270 --> 00:35:16,101
I like that.
682
00:35:16,103 --> 00:35:17,436
Let me do that.
683
00:35:17,438 --> 00:35:19,605
All right, get out
there, make me proud,
684
00:35:19,607 --> 00:35:22,076
show me some of those tricks.
685
00:35:31,887 --> 00:35:33,720
Achtung, ladies and gentlemen,
686
00:35:33,722 --> 00:35:38,391
he's about to shame,
bruise and soil himself.
687
00:35:42,363 --> 00:35:43,231
Fuck!
688
00:35:54,376 --> 00:35:57,477
Oh my god,
Barndon, are you okay?
689
00:35:57,479 --> 00:36:00,547
Yeah, yeah,
no, I meant to do that.
690
00:36:00,549 --> 00:36:01,417
Oh god.
691
00:36:11,594 --> 00:36:13,160
Hey Brandon.
692
00:36:13,162 --> 00:36:14,661
I brought you a little
somethin' for the newlyweds.
693
00:36:14,663 --> 00:36:16,496
Oh Mel, thank you.
694
00:36:16,498 --> 00:36:17,331
Cheers.
695
00:36:17,333 --> 00:36:18,165
Cheers.
696
00:36:18,167 --> 00:36:18,900
Shots.
697
00:36:18,902 --> 00:36:20,567
To all your lucky students.
698
00:36:20,569 --> 00:36:23,236
To my sweet husband
and all my bros and hoes.
699
00:36:23,238 --> 00:36:24,106
Yeah!
700
00:36:25,007 --> 00:36:26,607
Excuse me
ladies and gentlemen,
701
00:36:26,609 --> 00:36:28,842
can I get Charlotte
Conroy on the dance floor?
702
00:36:28,844 --> 00:36:29,676
What?
703
00:36:29,678 --> 00:36:30,711
Did he say my name?
704
00:36:30,713 --> 00:36:31,545
I guess.
705
00:36:31,547 --> 00:36:32,679
What did you tell him?
706
00:36:32,681 --> 00:36:34,315
Yeah, everyone, put your
hands together right here,
707
00:36:34,317 --> 00:36:36,651
Miss Charlotte, the
dancing machine, Conroy,
708
00:36:36,653 --> 00:36:39,921
salsa champion, world
champion in the house tonight!
709
00:36:39,923 --> 00:36:40,755
That's you.
710
00:36:40,757 --> 00:36:41,856
What did you tell him?
711
00:36:41,858 --> 00:36:43,290
I may have
exaggerated a little.
712
00:36:43,292 --> 00:36:44,859
I know you didn't wanna
show off at the wedding
713
00:36:44,861 --> 00:36:46,694
but now I get to see your stuff!
714
00:36:51,735 --> 00:36:52,601
Yeah!
715
00:36:59,576 --> 00:37:00,842
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: And that is all
716
00:37:00,844 --> 00:37:03,444
the salsa Charlotte knows,
717
00:37:03,446 --> 00:37:05,782
but tragically, she dances on.
718
00:37:34,344 --> 00:37:36,344
Well look who's here.
719
00:37:36,346 --> 00:37:39,480
The asshole who almost
smothered me to death.
720
00:37:39,482 --> 00:37:40,581
Ashley?
721
00:37:40,583 --> 00:37:43,584
You would still hang out
here, you cheap bastard.
722
00:37:43,586 --> 00:37:44,752
I'm just kidding.
723
00:37:44,754 --> 00:37:45,854
I come here too.
724
00:37:45,856 --> 00:37:47,556
Ashley, I am...
725
00:37:47,558 --> 00:37:50,728
You, are not still
mad at me, are you?
726
00:37:54,732 --> 00:37:59,467
Okay, Charlotte, thank
you, thank you very much.
727
00:37:59,469 --> 00:38:01,337
Very interesting dance.
728
00:38:03,841 --> 00:38:05,273
Hey, honey.
729
00:38:05,275 --> 00:38:06,742
Who's your friend?
730
00:38:06,744 --> 00:38:07,743
Ashley.
731
00:38:07,745 --> 00:38:10,579
Charlotte, Charlotte Conroy.
732
00:38:10,581 --> 00:38:11,613
Who's that, your sister?
733
00:38:11,615 --> 00:38:13,049
No, his wife.
734
00:38:13,051 --> 00:38:16,351
I'm sorry, you're married?
735
00:38:16,353 --> 00:38:17,486
Since when?
736
00:38:17,488 --> 00:38:18,656
Four days ago.
737
00:38:20,624 --> 00:38:23,792
We used to date until he
went all fainting goat on,
738
00:38:23,794 --> 00:38:25,627
what the fuck?
739
00:38:25,629 --> 00:38:27,296
That's my necklace!
740
00:38:27,298 --> 00:38:28,030
Oh shit.
741
00:38:28,032 --> 00:38:29,064
What the hell, Brandon?
742
00:38:29,066 --> 00:38:30,532
Brandon?
743
00:38:30,534 --> 00:38:31,633
Yeah, I left it at his place.
744
00:38:31,635 --> 00:38:32,968
He never gave it back to me.
745
00:38:32,970 --> 00:38:34,473
Is that true?
746
00:38:36,508 --> 00:38:37,507
Told ya.
747
00:38:37,509 --> 00:38:39,508
This isn't your necklace.
748
00:38:39,510 --> 00:38:40,442
The hell it isn't.
749
00:38:40,444 --> 00:38:41,711
Okay.
750
00:38:41,713 --> 00:38:42,812
No, I
think your necklace
751
00:38:42,814 --> 00:38:43,947
I ground up in the
garbage disposal.
752
00:38:43,949 --> 00:38:45,347
Bullshit!
753
00:38:45,349 --> 00:38:46,750
Listen,
I was freaked out
754
00:38:46,752 --> 00:38:48,350
because I found out my
ex-fiance was getting married.
755
00:38:48,352 --> 00:38:49,318
Ex-fiance?
756
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:50,652
Okay, like you have
the right to speak,
757
00:38:50,654 --> 00:38:52,354
you gave this skank's necklace!
758
00:38:52,356 --> 00:38:54,456
Oh my god, this is hilarious.
759
00:38:54,458 --> 00:38:56,627
You wanna know what I think?
760
00:39:00,465 --> 00:39:02,499
You're not gonna do anything?
761
00:39:02,501 --> 00:39:03,368
Stop!
762
00:39:06,104 --> 00:39:07,904
Look at it this way,
most women our age
763
00:39:07,906 --> 00:39:09,739
have a lot of wear
and tear on 'em
764
00:39:09,741 --> 00:39:11,541
but you got her from
the original owner.
765
00:39:11,543 --> 00:39:13,510
She's in mint condition.
766
00:39:13,512 --> 00:39:15,779
Anyway, you really trumped
her on that necklace debacle.
767
00:39:15,781 --> 00:39:16,780
What were you thinking?
768
00:39:16,782 --> 00:39:17,714
I don't know, man.
769
00:39:17,716 --> 00:39:19,048
Never the twain shall meet?
770
00:39:19,050 --> 00:39:22,452
Okay, once, when
Rita and I were married
771
00:39:22,454 --> 00:39:24,955
for maybe two months, she
asked me if this dress
772
00:39:24,957 --> 00:39:26,723
she was wearing made
her butt look big.
773
00:39:26,725 --> 00:39:29,093
I told her, yes, but
I like big butts.
774
00:39:29,095 --> 00:39:30,426
You know, I'm a black man.
775
00:39:30,428 --> 00:39:31,761
It nearly ruined us.
776
00:39:31,763 --> 00:39:33,630
But it didn't.
777
00:39:33,632 --> 00:39:36,633
It took some work and
that's what you gotta do, man.
778
00:39:36,635 --> 00:39:38,968
You gotta make some
grand gesture, all right?
779
00:39:38,970 --> 00:39:41,404
Something repentant and sweet.
780
00:39:41,406 --> 00:39:42,505
Maybe a little pathetic
thrown in there
781
00:39:42,507 --> 00:39:47,511
and with any luck, it will
all be forgotten about.
782
00:39:47,513 --> 00:39:48,781
In a few years.
783
00:39:51,050 --> 00:39:51,918
Come on.
784
00:39:57,824 --> 00:39:59,824
God, it was so humiliating.
785
00:39:59,826 --> 00:40:01,058
So you
both screwed up.
786
00:40:01,060 --> 00:40:03,628
You each take a
gimme and move on.
787
00:40:04,764 --> 00:40:07,965
I just got an email from him.
788
00:40:15,142 --> 00:40:17,543
Oh my gosh, it's so sweet!
789
00:40:18,644 --> 00:40:20,044
He just sent me
the cutest apology.
790
00:40:20,046 --> 00:40:20,878
See?
791
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:22,613
He's a peach.
792
00:40:22,615 --> 00:40:24,949
Do something nice for him
tonight, like really nice.
793
00:40:24,951 --> 00:40:26,584
Did you get that
link I sent you?
794
00:40:26,586 --> 00:40:28,152
Oh, that site was nasty.
795
00:40:28,154 --> 00:40:29,689
Exactly.
796
00:40:52,678 --> 00:40:53,978
Not in the bedroom.
797
00:41:00,020 --> 00:41:00,852
Lower.
798
00:41:10,530 --> 00:41:11,963
This is ridiculous.
799
00:41:11,965 --> 00:41:13,732
They've been making
this racket for hours.
800
00:41:13,734 --> 00:41:15,834
What the hell are
they trying to prove?
801
00:41:16,703 --> 00:41:18,670
Dan, maybe you
should come to bed.
802
00:41:18,672 --> 00:41:21,039
Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
803
00:41:40,827 --> 00:41:41,628
Oh my god.
804
00:41:43,797 --> 00:41:45,800
Oh, that was incredible.
805
00:41:47,001 --> 00:41:48,703
Okay, I gotta pee.
806
00:42:05,552 --> 00:42:08,020
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
807
00:42:08,022 --> 00:42:10,656
You haven't had problems
down their before, have you?
808
00:42:10,658 --> 00:42:11,526
Never.
809
00:42:13,828 --> 00:42:15,930
Brandon Conroy.
810
00:42:22,603 --> 00:42:23,803
Hello Mr. Conroy.
811
00:42:23,805 --> 00:42:24,637
Hi.
812
00:42:24,639 --> 00:42:25,905
I'm Dr. Sahni.
813
00:42:25,907 --> 00:42:28,674
Oh, yeah, I normally
see Dr. Kurtzman?
814
00:42:28,676 --> 00:42:31,777
Oh, he retired five
or six months ago.
815
00:42:31,779 --> 00:42:33,947
This is my first week.
816
00:42:33,949 --> 00:42:34,817
Welcome.
817
00:42:35,684 --> 00:42:37,818
So, what's the problem?
818
00:42:37,820 --> 00:42:41,554
It's like someone took a
sand blaster to my boom stick.
819
00:42:41,556 --> 00:42:43,125
Let's have a look.
820
00:42:46,627 --> 00:42:47,662
Oh my god.
821
00:42:48,663 --> 00:42:49,795
This looks like something I saw
822
00:42:49,797 --> 00:42:51,797
in my tropical disease seminar.
823
00:42:51,799 --> 00:42:53,133
How long's it been like this?
824
00:42:53,135 --> 00:42:54,567
Just since this morning.
825
00:42:54,569 --> 00:42:56,902
And before that,
was your penis normal
826
00:42:56,904 --> 00:42:59,675
or has it always
been disfigured?
827
00:43:00,709 --> 00:43:02,809
Normal, it's normal.
828
00:43:02,811 --> 00:43:04,111
Do you work with
toxic chemicals?
829
00:43:04,113 --> 00:43:05,245
No.
830
00:43:05,247 --> 00:43:06,346
Have you recently spent
time in the African bush?
831
00:43:06,348 --> 00:43:07,581
No.
832
00:43:07,583 --> 00:43:09,583
Have you had sex with any
prostitutes from that region?
833
00:43:09,585 --> 00:43:10,350
No!
834
00:43:10,352 --> 00:43:12,219
Any exposure to monkey feces?
835
00:43:12,221 --> 00:43:13,720
Monkey feces?
836
00:43:13,722 --> 00:43:15,789
So, no interspecies
intercourse?
837
00:43:15,791 --> 00:43:16,923
Oh, for fuck, no!
838
00:43:16,925 --> 00:43:18,758
Mr. Conroy, I'm
going to need the names
839
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:20,795
of your sexual partners.
840
00:43:23,199 --> 00:43:25,899
Get Dr. Palmer down here right
away to look at Mr. Conroy.
841
00:43:25,901 --> 00:43:29,036
We have a possible miasmic
STD of unknown origin.
842
00:43:29,038 --> 00:43:30,704
Is it that serious?
843
00:43:30,706 --> 00:43:33,274
He's had sex with 21 women
in the last four years.
844
00:43:33,276 --> 00:43:34,210
Go, go, go.
845
00:43:36,945 --> 00:43:39,079
I've never seen
anything like this before.
846
00:43:39,081 --> 00:43:40,714
It looks like a mix
of genital herpes,
847
00:43:40,716 --> 00:43:42,816
syphilis and a gun shot wound.
848
00:43:42,818 --> 00:43:45,287
Maybe it's a mutant hybrid?
849
00:43:46,656 --> 00:43:47,922
You ask him about money feces?
850
00:43:47,924 --> 00:43:49,893
I did, and negative.
851
00:43:51,327 --> 00:43:52,960
Sterile swab.
852
00:43:52,962 --> 00:43:54,228
Whoa.
853
00:43:54,230 --> 00:43:55,963
What's up with the swab?
854
00:43:55,965 --> 00:43:58,866
I'm gonna insert this into
your urethra, get a culture,
855
00:43:58,868 --> 00:44:00,234
run a test and see
if we can figure out
856
00:44:00,236 --> 00:44:02,702
what's goin' on with you, okay?
857
00:44:02,704 --> 00:44:03,772
'Kay.
858
00:44:06,842 --> 00:44:07,709
Hmm.
859
00:44:20,090 --> 00:44:21,656
Oh god.
860
00:44:21,658 --> 00:44:22,356
There we go.
861
00:44:22,358 --> 00:44:24,761
That wasn't so bad, was it?
862
00:44:28,231 --> 00:44:30,098
I'm so sorry.
863
00:44:30,100 --> 00:44:31,299
It's okay, we got another one.
864
00:44:31,301 --> 00:44:32,733
No that's good.
865
00:44:32,735 --> 00:44:34,103
I'm sure that's fine.
866
00:44:34,105 --> 00:44:37,039
Come on, the three
second rule, right?
867
00:44:37,041 --> 00:44:40,042
It's okay, let's try
this again, shall we?
868
00:44:40,044 --> 00:44:41,078
Please no.
869
00:44:55,459 --> 00:44:56,858
Hey.
870
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:59,194
Oh sweetie, thank
god you're here.
871
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:00,896
How you doing, honey?
872
00:45:00,898 --> 00:45:02,831
They don't know what I have.
873
00:45:02,833 --> 00:45:05,367
Oh, I'm sure
everything will be okay
874
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:07,436
once they figure out
which one of your 21 sluts
875
00:45:07,438 --> 00:45:09,171
gave you the disease!
876
00:45:09,173 --> 00:45:11,874
Whatever happened to
quality over quantity?
877
00:45:11,876 --> 00:45:15,844
The numbers don't matter,
I always wore condoms.
878
00:45:15,846 --> 00:45:16,979
Except with you.
879
00:45:16,981 --> 00:45:18,180
Oh please!
880
00:45:18,182 --> 00:45:20,349
I only slept with
one man for 14 years.
881
00:45:20,351 --> 00:45:21,783
But who did he
sleep with, huh?
882
00:45:21,785 --> 00:45:23,921
You're so full of shit!
883
00:45:25,123 --> 00:45:26,389
I'm his wife!
884
00:45:26,391 --> 00:45:28,090
Oh yes, I imagined so.
885
00:45:28,092 --> 00:45:29,758
I'm Dr. Dietz, now let's see
886
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:32,730
what all this
excitement's about.
887
00:45:34,198 --> 00:45:36,131
You already checked for
monkey feces, right?
888
00:45:36,133 --> 00:45:37,001
I did.
889
00:45:44,408 --> 00:45:47,510
Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.
890
00:45:47,512 --> 00:45:48,478
Oh god.
891
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:49,379
Shit.
892
00:45:49,381 --> 00:45:52,781
Commonly known as
honeymoon disease
893
00:45:52,783 --> 00:45:56,352
from too much intense
sexual activity.
894
00:45:56,354 --> 00:45:58,887
You just need to give
the little fellow a rest.
895
00:45:58,889 --> 00:46:01,391
Avoid sex for four or five days.
896
00:46:01,393 --> 00:46:04,093
Only touch it when
absolutely necessary
897
00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:06,762
and you'll be right
as rain in no time.
898
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,132
Oh, thank god.
899
00:46:09,435 --> 00:46:11,134
Oh, thank you.
900
00:46:11,136 --> 00:46:12,869
You can put that down.
901
00:46:12,871 --> 00:46:15,271
I'm sorry.
902
00:46:15,273 --> 00:46:16,906
So, let me get this straight,
903
00:46:16,908 --> 00:46:20,544
they swabbed your schlong
twice, yet they didn't have to?
904
00:46:20,546 --> 00:46:22,045
Yeah.
905
00:46:25,550 --> 00:46:29,988
Oh boy, that is marriage
in a nutshell, ain't it?
906
00:46:37,263 --> 00:46:40,064
Mrs. Halvorsen, I was just
getting ready for tomorrow.
907
00:46:40,066 --> 00:46:42,031
I'm afraid there's a problem.
908
00:46:42,033 --> 00:46:44,801
We just received your
background check.
909
00:46:44,803 --> 00:46:47,204
You were arrested for a felony.
910
00:46:47,206 --> 00:46:49,540
But I received a
deferred adjudication.
911
00:46:49,542 --> 00:46:51,007
I wasn't convicted.
912
00:46:51,009 --> 00:46:53,410
I was still able to
teach in West Virginia.
913
00:46:53,412 --> 00:46:55,979
Obviously we hold a
higher standard here
914
00:46:55,981 --> 00:46:57,815
at Van Nuys Christian.
915
00:46:57,817 --> 00:46:59,149
I'm an excellent teacher,
I've been teaching for...
916
00:46:59,151 --> 00:47:00,351
I'm sorry.
917
00:47:00,353 --> 00:47:02,419
Maybe if you hadn't
been dishonest,
918
00:47:02,421 --> 00:47:05,522
but we're going to have to
terminate your contract.
919
00:47:05,524 --> 00:47:07,958
I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to lie,
920
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:09,994
I was just trying to
make a good impression.
921
00:47:11,931 --> 00:47:13,464
Don't apologize to me.
922
00:47:13,466 --> 00:47:15,067
Apologize to Jesus.
923
00:47:48,635 --> 00:47:50,602
You're still upset about
what happened yesterday,
924
00:47:50,604 --> 00:47:51,403
aren't you?
925
00:47:51,405 --> 00:47:52,939
Yeah, I mean no.
926
00:47:56,443 --> 00:47:59,611
Look, we've both
make mistakes and,
927
00:47:59,613 --> 00:48:00,978
I don't think we
should judge each other
928
00:48:00,980 --> 00:48:03,348
for things that
happened before we met.
929
00:48:03,350 --> 00:48:05,650
Yeah, no, I completely agree.
930
00:48:05,652 --> 00:48:10,121
The past is the past and we
should just be looking forward
931
00:48:10,123 --> 00:48:12,427
to the road ahead together.
932
00:48:23,437 --> 00:48:26,840
At least it's all
out in the open now.
933
00:48:28,508 --> 00:48:30,342
Look, I wanna tell you,
934
00:48:30,344 --> 00:48:31,877
I need to tell you
935
00:48:33,914 --> 00:48:35,849
that I agree 100%.
936
00:48:36,617 --> 00:48:37,485
Good.
937
00:48:40,488 --> 00:48:41,654
Oh, this is one of
my favorite episodes.
938
00:48:41,656 --> 00:48:43,121
Have you seen this one?
939
00:48:43,123 --> 00:48:44,390
No.
940
00:48:44,392 --> 00:48:46,259
Oh, this is classic.
941
00:49:01,676 --> 00:49:04,176
Ah, I won a Golden Heidi
942
00:49:04,178 --> 00:49:05,613
for that episode.
943
00:49:11,386 --> 00:49:13,154
I'll be right back.
944
00:49:30,104 --> 00:49:32,238
Hey, packed your
lunch for you.
945
00:49:32,240 --> 00:49:35,575
Oh my god, where
did you find this?
946
00:49:35,577 --> 00:49:36,612
I made it.
947
00:49:39,614 --> 00:49:41,482
Knock 'em dead, honey.
948
00:49:57,599 --> 00:49:59,699
I feel like such
a scam artist.
949
00:49:59,701 --> 00:50:02,469
I'm not built for this
kind of deception.
950
00:50:02,471 --> 00:50:04,704
Okay well, why don't you just
find another job real quick
951
00:50:04,706 --> 00:50:07,607
and then tell Brandon
you got a better offer?
952
00:50:07,609 --> 00:50:09,309
Finding one's not the problem.
953
00:50:09,311 --> 00:50:12,345
I got an interview at 12, I
just, I mean what's the point?
954
00:50:12,347 --> 00:50:14,114
They'll just vet me too.
955
00:50:14,116 --> 00:50:17,551
No one's gonna let a low down
ex-con near their children.
956
00:50:17,553 --> 00:50:18,618
Hmm.
957
00:50:18,620 --> 00:50:20,053
Oh, I got it!
958
00:50:20,055 --> 00:50:22,556
Okay, your middle
name is Lauren, right?
959
00:50:22,558 --> 00:50:26,259
So why don't you spell it
L-A-U-R-A-N instead of E-N
960
00:50:26,261 --> 00:50:28,261
and then your record
won't come up.
961
00:50:28,263 --> 00:50:29,763
Would that really work?
962
00:50:29,765 --> 00:50:30,697
I don't know.
963
00:50:30,699 --> 00:50:32,699
What have you got to lose?
964
00:50:32,701 --> 00:50:33,734
You know what?
965
00:50:33,736 --> 00:50:34,769
Nothing, you're right.
966
00:50:34,771 --> 00:50:36,237
You're absolutely right.
967
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:39,676
Thank you so much,
you're a total genius.
968
00:50:42,345 --> 00:50:43,811
My car won't start.
969
00:50:43,813 --> 00:50:45,613
Okay, why don't you just
call Brandon real quick
970
00:50:45,615 --> 00:50:46,179
and then ask him...
971
00:50:46,181 --> 00:50:47,147
I can't call Brandon
972
00:50:47,149 --> 00:50:48,281
and ask him to take
me to a job interview
973
00:50:48,283 --> 00:50:50,050
when I'm supposed to be in
a job that I already have!
974
00:50:50,052 --> 00:50:50,685
Goodbye!
975
00:50:50,687 --> 00:50:51,721
Shit.
976
00:50:53,690 --> 00:50:55,288
Shit.
977
00:50:59,262 --> 00:51:00,094
Hey, Charlotte.
978
00:51:00,096 --> 00:51:00,997
Hey, Dan.
979
00:51:04,701 --> 00:51:05,733
Bye, Dan.
980
00:51:05,735 --> 00:51:06,603
Bye.
981
00:51:20,082 --> 00:51:23,654
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
982
00:51:25,623 --> 00:51:26,690
Goddammit!
983
00:51:40,603 --> 00:51:43,671
Eight years
teaching first grade.
984
00:51:43,673 --> 00:51:46,608
Volunteer for the Red Cross.
985
00:51:46,610 --> 00:51:49,313
Girl Scout camp summer leader.
986
00:51:50,714 --> 00:51:52,781
Oh, you went to UWV!
987
00:51:52,783 --> 00:51:54,148
Yeah.
988
00:51:54,150 --> 00:51:55,217
Proud Mountaineer here!
989
00:51:55,219 --> 00:51:56,150
You too?
990
00:51:56,152 --> 00:51:56,785
Teal pride.
991
00:52:03,694 --> 00:52:05,761
Oh, is Professor
Vassic still there?
992
00:52:05,763 --> 00:52:08,897
Oh yes, I loved
him, he was amazing.
993
00:52:08,899 --> 00:52:12,702
Well, then I know you
have an excellent education.
994
00:52:12,704 --> 00:52:13,602
Actually Mrs. Newton,
995
00:52:13,604 --> 00:52:16,640
there's something
I need to tell you.
996
00:52:18,442 --> 00:52:19,876
Hey, Brandon.
997
00:52:19,878 --> 00:52:20,844
Hey, bro.
998
00:52:23,747 --> 00:52:26,615
Look, there's no easy
way to say this, man.
999
00:52:26,617 --> 00:52:28,650
A senior project
manager over at Plan C
1000
00:52:28,652 --> 00:52:29,885
is moving to London,
1001
00:52:29,887 --> 00:52:33,358
so Matthew called and
offered me the job.
1002
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:37,192
What can I say, man?
1003
00:52:37,194 --> 00:52:38,795
I'm a weasel.
1004
00:52:38,797 --> 00:52:41,633
I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.
1005
00:52:42,801 --> 00:52:44,301
Well, thanks.
1006
00:52:45,469 --> 00:52:46,836
No bullshit, I fought for you.
1007
00:52:46,838 --> 00:52:48,370
I swear, man.
1008
00:52:48,372 --> 00:52:49,540
Look, I'm old.
1009
00:52:50,608 --> 00:52:52,742
I got alimony
payments up the wang.
1010
00:52:52,744 --> 00:52:54,710
You can still use the
office, if you want.
1011
00:52:54,712 --> 00:52:57,382
Nah, it's your garage and all.
1012
00:53:01,786 --> 00:53:06,625
Yeah, and so, I just wanted
to be completely up front.
1013
00:53:07,759 --> 00:53:09,559
I appreciate your
candor, Charlotte.
1014
00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:12,228
And I'd like to think we're
a little more forgiving
1015
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:16,733
than the Christians over at
Van Nuys Christian School.
1016
00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:18,837
So, I'll get back to you.
1017
00:53:36,488 --> 00:53:39,624
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
1018
00:53:42,227 --> 00:53:46,265
Hi, I need to report a
stolen, or a missing car.
1019
00:53:47,333 --> 00:53:49,201
I don't know where is,
1020
00:53:51,237 --> 00:53:53,236
I don't know the
license plate number.
1021
00:53:53,238 --> 00:53:56,573
Look, it's a Mustang,
it's really old.
1022
00:53:56,575 --> 00:53:58,609
There can't be
that many of them.
1023
00:53:58,611 --> 00:54:00,711
Look, I was really hoping
you can help me find this car
1024
00:54:00,713 --> 00:54:03,981
before my husband finds
out that it's missing.
1025
00:54:06,686 --> 00:54:09,689
Oh, my god.
1026
00:54:11,858 --> 00:54:13,759
Call Brandon Conroy.
1027
00:54:20,700 --> 00:54:22,433
Yeah.
1028
00:54:22,435 --> 00:54:23,767
No, stop, stop!
1029
00:54:23,769 --> 00:54:24,802
No, please stop, stop!
1030
00:54:24,804 --> 00:54:25,736
Hey!
1031
00:54:25,738 --> 00:54:27,640
Charlotte, are you okay?
1032
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:29,842
Charlotte!
1033
00:54:30,676 --> 00:54:32,678
Charlotte, Charlotte!
1034
00:54:33,647 --> 00:54:34,715
Dan.
1035
00:54:36,683 --> 00:54:37,949
Dan, something
horrible has happened.
1036
00:54:37,951 --> 00:54:38,883
What?
1037
00:54:38,885 --> 00:54:40,518
Brandon's Mustang was stolen!
1038
00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:41,553
No, not the Mustang!
1039
00:54:41,555 --> 00:54:44,421
Yeah, he is gonna be furious.
1040
00:54:44,423 --> 00:54:45,589
Did you call the police?
1041
00:54:45,591 --> 00:54:47,826
Yes and when I didn't know
the license plate number,
1042
00:54:47,828 --> 00:54:49,359
they just laughed at me.
1043
00:54:49,361 --> 00:54:51,029
Do you happen to
know the number?
1044
00:54:51,031 --> 00:54:52,463
Yes, I do.
1045
00:54:53,666 --> 00:54:55,799
Why does he have that
stupid car anyways?
1046
00:54:55,801 --> 00:54:56,969
But I thought you loved it.
1047
00:54:56,971 --> 00:54:59,704
Yeah, I mean it's fun to
cruise around in sometimes
1048
00:54:59,706 --> 00:55:01,773
but I mean come on,
it's ridiculous.
1049
00:55:01,775 --> 00:55:03,641
It's just some
loud, gas guzzling,
1050
00:55:03,643 --> 00:55:07,347
middle-aged-mobile for
men with tiny dicks.
1051
00:55:08,749 --> 00:55:10,249
Come with me.
1052
00:55:15,989 --> 00:55:19,391
Charlotte Conroy,
I need to see her!
1053
00:55:21,629 --> 00:55:23,696
Oh my god, they
brought it back.
1054
00:55:23,698 --> 00:55:25,998
No, I had a GPS tracker on it.
1055
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:29,734
Oh my god, oh my god, Dan,
thank you, thank you so much.
1056
00:55:29,736 --> 00:55:31,738
You totally saved my life!
1057
00:55:32,739 --> 00:55:34,039
Wait, why do you have a...
1058
00:55:34,041 --> 00:55:35,774
It's mine, it's
mine, Charlotte.
1059
00:55:35,776 --> 00:55:36,674
It's always been mine.
1060
00:55:36,676 --> 00:55:38,777
It wasn't stolen, I
just took it back.
1061
00:55:38,779 --> 00:55:40,378
But the car
belongs to Brandon.
1062
00:55:40,380 --> 00:55:41,813
No, it doesn't.
1063
00:55:41,815 --> 00:55:43,548
He borrowed it from me.
1064
00:55:43,550 --> 00:55:46,385
I guess he was trying
to impress you.
1065
00:55:46,387 --> 00:55:47,853
Why would that impress me?
1066
00:55:47,855 --> 00:55:51,457
I don't know, maybe because
it makes him look cool
1067
00:55:51,459 --> 00:55:53,893
and a little less broke.
1068
00:55:53,895 --> 00:55:55,060
Brandon is broke?
1069
00:55:55,062 --> 00:55:58,798
I shouldn't say
anything, I'm so sorry.
1070
00:55:58,800 --> 00:55:59,732
He's worse than broke.
1071
00:55:59,734 --> 00:56:02,367
He's in debt, calamitous,
crushing debt!
1072
00:56:02,369 --> 00:56:04,569
You know what, you know, I'm
glad I'm saying something,
1073
00:56:04,571 --> 00:56:06,972
this is for his own good.
1074
00:56:06,974 --> 00:56:08,375
I feel better.
1075
00:56:10,745 --> 00:56:13,079
Charlotte no
longer works here.
1076
00:56:13,081 --> 00:56:13,913
What?
1077
00:56:13,915 --> 00:56:15,381
We had to let her go.
1078
00:56:15,383 --> 00:56:17,550
She has a felony for
assault and battery.
1079
00:56:17,552 --> 00:56:18,884
It's shocking that
someone so well-mannered
1080
00:56:18,886 --> 00:56:20,788
could be so vicious.
1081
00:56:50,085 --> 00:56:50,953
Hey.
1082
00:56:51,954 --> 00:56:52,820
Hey.
1083
00:56:57,793 --> 00:57:01,962
Hey, what was up with
that phone call today?
1084
00:57:01,964 --> 00:57:05,901
Oh, sorry, someone
almost backed into my car.
1085
00:57:07,669 --> 00:57:08,537
Oh.
1086
00:57:09,504 --> 00:57:10,470
But you're okay now?
1087
00:57:10,472 --> 00:57:11,137
Oh yeah.
1088
00:57:11,139 --> 00:57:12,839
Oh.
1089
00:57:12,841 --> 00:57:14,007
Yeah.
1090
00:57:14,009 --> 00:57:15,409
That's good.
1091
00:57:16,645 --> 00:57:17,813
So how was work?
1092
00:57:18,714 --> 00:57:21,082
Good day with all the kids?
1093
00:57:21,084 --> 00:57:22,484
Yeah, great.
1094
00:57:23,219 --> 00:57:24,819
How about you?
1095
00:57:24,821 --> 00:57:26,455
Make lots of money?
1096
00:57:27,723 --> 00:57:28,790
Yeah.
1097
00:57:30,459 --> 00:57:31,660
That's good.
1098
00:57:37,666 --> 00:57:39,532
By the way, your Aunt
Sallie Mae wrote.
1099
00:57:39,534 --> 00:57:41,670
She'd like her $56,000 back.
1100
00:57:46,943 --> 00:57:49,176
Why are you going
through my mail?
1101
00:57:49,178 --> 00:57:51,846
Well, don't you
mean our mail, dear?
1102
00:57:51,848 --> 00:57:53,681
We're married and
we share everything.
1103
00:57:53,683 --> 00:57:55,683
Including a butt-load of debt.
1104
00:57:55,685 --> 00:57:57,251
Huh, you wanna share?
1105
00:57:57,253 --> 00:57:59,586
Okay, let's share.
1106
00:57:59,588 --> 00:58:02,823
Tell me all about the felony
you committed, darling.
1107
00:58:02,825 --> 00:58:04,058
What?
1108
00:58:04,060 --> 00:58:07,861
You know, the thing
you lost your job over.
1109
00:58:07,863 --> 00:58:08,863
You don't understand.
1110
00:58:08,865 --> 00:58:09,864
No, I think I do.
1111
00:58:09,866 --> 00:58:10,831
Assault and battery.
1112
00:58:10,833 --> 00:58:11,933
It's right there in the title.
1113
00:58:11,935 --> 00:58:13,000
Pretty self-explanatory.
1114
00:58:13,002 --> 00:58:14,236
It was my ex-fiance.
1115
00:58:14,238 --> 00:58:16,037
Oh, well that should
help me sleep at night.
1116
00:58:16,039 --> 00:58:17,840
It was an accident!
1117
00:58:18,942 --> 00:58:21,809
And you know what,
I wasn't convicted.
1118
00:58:21,811 --> 00:58:25,179
And at least I paid my debt
to society, unlike you.
1119
00:58:25,181 --> 00:58:27,715
Student loans aren't a crime.
1120
00:58:27,717 --> 00:58:29,617
They are if you
don't pay them!
1121
00:58:29,619 --> 00:58:31,185
Whoa, please don't
stab me with your shiv.
1122
00:58:31,187 --> 00:58:33,855
They'll send you back to
the joint, sweetheart.
1123
00:58:33,857 --> 00:58:37,726
At least there, you
know who people are.
1124
00:58:37,728 --> 00:58:39,828
Then why don't
you call the warden
1125
00:58:39,830 --> 00:58:41,797
and get your old bunk back.
1126
00:58:41,799 --> 00:58:44,699
I have let a
lot of shit slide.
1127
00:58:44,701 --> 00:58:45,968
Like what?
1128
00:58:45,970 --> 00:58:48,769
You don't know the
first thing about cooking.
1129
00:58:48,771 --> 00:58:49,837
Philip Seymour Hoffman
1130
00:58:49,839 --> 00:58:52,573
is not the quarterback
of the San Diego Chargers
1131
00:58:52,575 --> 00:58:54,942
and you, sir, are
no Lance Armstrong.
1132
00:58:54,944 --> 00:58:55,876
Three words.
1133
00:58:55,878 --> 00:58:58,247
Salsa, dancing, champion.
1134
00:58:58,249 --> 00:59:00,582
Oh, and how long did you think
1135
00:59:00,584 --> 00:59:03,986
that you could pretend
that stupid car was yours?
1136
00:59:03,988 --> 00:59:05,721
Goddamn, Dan!
1137
00:59:05,723 --> 00:59:06,922
And the worst part,
1138
00:59:06,924 --> 00:59:09,725
the worst part is that you
make made me look like a idiot
1139
00:59:09,727 --> 00:59:10,959
in front of Dan and Rita.
1140
00:59:10,961 --> 00:59:13,895
Like the only friends that I
have in this miserable place.
1141
00:59:13,897 --> 00:59:15,897
Hey, you make me
look like an idiot too.
1142
00:59:15,899 --> 00:59:17,065
I didn't know who I married.
1143
00:59:17,067 --> 00:59:19,700
Are you this sweet
adorable school teacher
1144
00:59:19,702 --> 00:59:22,771
or a deranged grifter
come to ruin my life?
1145
00:59:22,773 --> 00:59:24,240
Well, if you
really feel that way,
1146
00:59:24,242 --> 00:59:27,110
then maybe, maybe, maybe
we should both admit
1147
00:59:27,112 --> 00:59:29,312
that we made a mistake
and then just split ways!
1148
00:59:29,314 --> 00:59:30,346
You know what,
maybe we should!
1149
00:59:30,348 --> 00:59:31,180
Yeah?
1150
00:59:31,182 --> 00:59:32,014
Yeah!
1151
00:59:32,016 --> 00:59:32,848
Yeah!
1152
00:59:32,850 --> 00:59:33,715
Fine!
1153
00:59:33,717 --> 00:59:34,750
Fine!
1154
00:59:34,752 --> 00:59:35,619
Fine!
1155
00:59:38,055 --> 00:59:40,722
How long
you two been hitched?
1156
00:59:40,724 --> 00:59:42,290
BRANDON AND
CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
1157
00:59:42,292 --> 00:59:43,160
10 days?
1158
00:59:44,863 --> 00:59:47,163
Are you celebrities
of some sort?
1159
00:59:47,165 --> 00:59:48,164
No.
1160
00:59:48,166 --> 00:59:49,632
Peculiar.
1161
00:59:49,634 --> 00:59:51,134
So, how do we get
this thing started?
1162
00:59:51,136 --> 00:59:52,769
First of all, let me be clear,
1163
00:59:52,771 --> 00:59:54,804
I'm actin' as a
neutral third party
1164
00:59:54,806 --> 00:59:57,940
helpin' to negotiate
a fair settlement.
1165
00:59:57,942 --> 00:59:59,842
There's nothing to negotiate.
1166
00:59:59,844 --> 01:00:01,643
We're in complete
divorce agreement.
1167
01:00:01,645 --> 01:00:03,946
That's the only thing
we're in agreement on.
1168
01:00:03,948 --> 01:00:06,015
Fair enough, I'll
draw up the contract
1169
01:00:06,017 --> 01:00:08,918
and y'all can come back
next Thursday and sign it.
1170
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:09,919
Thursday?
1171
01:00:09,921 --> 01:00:11,355
Why not today?
1172
01:00:11,357 --> 01:00:13,756
Don't you have some
generic forms lyin' around,
1173
01:00:13,758 --> 01:00:15,325
like divorcezoom.com?
1174
01:00:15,327 --> 01:00:16,694
Generic forms?
1175
01:00:17,996 --> 01:00:20,797
Every divorce is unique.
1176
01:00:20,799 --> 01:00:24,803
Regardless of race, religion
or sexual preference.
1177
01:00:25,870 --> 01:00:27,870
Now how would you
like to handle my fee?
1178
01:00:27,872 --> 01:00:29,072
We'll split it.
1179
01:00:29,074 --> 01:00:32,709
You got that much or do
you need to get another loan?
1180
01:00:32,711 --> 01:00:36,681
You're sure Thursday's
the best you can do?
1181
01:00:40,219 --> 01:00:42,054
So, where you staying?
1182
01:00:44,390 --> 01:00:45,788
What?
1183
01:00:45,790 --> 01:00:46,923
It's my apartment.
1184
01:00:46,925 --> 01:00:50,294
I gave up my job, my home
and best friend for you.
1185
01:00:50,296 --> 01:00:53,263
I'm not leaving the apartment
and I'm not paying you rent.
1186
01:00:53,265 --> 01:00:57,267
Well, you'd better start
cooking or cleaning or,
1187
01:00:57,269 --> 01:00:58,168
doing something.
1188
01:00:58,170 --> 01:00:59,803
Asshole!
1189
01:00:59,805 --> 01:01:01,240
And your car sucks!
1190
01:01:36,343 --> 01:01:37,741
I'm so sorry Char.
1191
01:01:37,743 --> 01:01:39,343
Men are such turds.
1192
01:02:02,035 --> 01:02:04,001
So, then you wanna
subtract the top number
1193
01:02:04,003 --> 01:02:06,504
from the other one
you got right there.
1194
01:02:06,506 --> 01:02:07,372
Okay.
1195
01:02:07,374 --> 01:02:08,940
You go it!
1196
01:02:08,942 --> 01:02:10,645
Awesome, good job!
1197
01:02:44,178 --> 01:02:47,513
Have a great
day in your work.
1198
01:02:47,515 --> 01:02:48,382
Love you.
1199
01:02:59,860 --> 01:03:01,896
No, I haven't done much
1200
01:03:03,030 --> 01:03:06,198
any animated porn but
I am a fast learner
1201
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:08,467
and I love animation,
1202
01:03:08,469 --> 01:03:10,238
and porn, so win-win.
1203
01:03:11,539 --> 01:03:13,372
Okay, well please
keep me in mind.
1204
01:03:13,374 --> 01:03:14,506
Thank you.
1205
01:03:20,482 --> 01:03:22,115
Surprise!
1206
01:03:22,117 --> 01:03:23,250
Happy Birthday!
1207
01:03:23,252 --> 01:03:25,918
Happy birthday, son!
1208
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:28,022
Wow, I didn't expect...
1209
01:03:29,424 --> 01:03:30,823
How's the Antarctica?
1210
01:03:30,825 --> 01:03:31,824
Amazing!
1211
01:03:31,826 --> 01:03:33,058
Your mother was the hero.
1212
01:03:33,060 --> 01:03:35,894
She devised a scheme to foul
the prop on the Nisshin Maru.
1213
01:03:35,896 --> 01:03:37,029
And your father
was shot in the balls
1214
01:03:37,031 --> 01:03:39,098
by one of the
Japanese deckhands.
1215
01:03:39,100 --> 01:03:40,199
With a rubber bullet.
1216
01:03:40,201 --> 01:03:41,967
It swelled up like coconuts.
1217
01:03:41,969 --> 01:03:44,571
I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts.
1218
01:03:44,573 --> 01:03:45,872
Lookin' good boy.
1219
01:03:45,874 --> 01:03:47,173
So good to see you.
1220
01:03:47,175 --> 01:03:49,211
Yeah, so good.
1221
01:03:57,586 --> 01:03:58,585
Hey, what'd you tell them?
1222
01:03:58,587 --> 01:03:59,586
About what?
1223
01:03:59,588 --> 01:04:01,388
About us, about the divorce.
1224
01:04:01,390 --> 01:04:02,455
When?
1225
01:04:02,457 --> 01:04:03,390
They haven't stopped
talking since they got here.
1226
01:04:03,392 --> 01:04:04,559
Oh, thank god.
1227
01:04:05,893 --> 01:04:07,159
You're gonna
have to tell them.
1228
01:04:07,161 --> 01:04:09,363
Well, not tonight,
it's my birthday.
1229
01:04:09,365 --> 01:04:10,864
Plus it's humiliating.
1230
01:04:10,866 --> 01:04:12,299
They're marriage
has lasted 32 years
1231
01:04:12,301 --> 01:04:16,936
and ours lasted about as
long as a Hobbit movie.
1232
01:04:16,938 --> 01:04:18,539
Happy birthday, son.
1233
01:04:18,541 --> 01:04:22,075
My charitable works
continue, I see.
1234
01:04:22,077 --> 01:04:23,610
What's this?
1235
01:04:23,612 --> 01:04:27,547
Two tickets to Tahiti for an
all inclusive stay at Brando.
1236
01:04:27,549 --> 01:04:29,649
It's a luxury eco-resort.
1237
01:04:29,651 --> 01:04:33,054
I could have been a contender.
1238
01:04:33,056 --> 01:04:34,555
Because my boy and
his beautiful bride
1239
01:04:34,557 --> 01:04:39,095
deserve the absolute best
honeymoon the money can buy.
1240
01:04:40,663 --> 01:04:41,595
Speaking of honeymoons,
1241
01:04:41,597 --> 01:04:43,897
you know your father
and I are undergoing
1242
01:04:43,899 --> 01:04:46,032
a bit of a second one right now.
1243
01:04:46,034 --> 01:04:48,469
Let's just say, we're
experiencing a refreshed sense
1244
01:04:48,471 --> 01:04:50,571
of sexual energy.
1245
01:04:50,573 --> 01:04:53,406
Exploring our aging bodies.
1246
01:04:53,408 --> 01:04:56,946
So many delicious new
cavities to explore.
1247
01:04:59,482 --> 01:05:00,981
Well, it's a very
thoughtful gift
1248
01:05:00,983 --> 01:05:03,918
and I thank you very much.
1249
01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:05,453
It's thoughtful,
isn't it, Charlotte?
1250
01:05:05,455 --> 01:05:07,955
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.
1251
01:05:07,957 --> 01:05:09,390
Okay, let's have a photo.
1252
01:05:09,392 --> 01:05:11,160
Hold up your present.
1253
01:05:14,297 --> 01:05:16,330
This isn't the Middle
East peace talks.
1254
01:05:16,332 --> 01:05:17,567
How about a kiss?
1255
01:05:23,374 --> 01:05:24,241
Lovely.
1256
01:05:37,588 --> 01:05:40,988
I'm sensing a little
bit of disharmony.
1257
01:05:40,990 --> 01:05:42,656
I'm sorry, I'm
just feeling a bit...
1258
01:05:42,658 --> 01:05:45,427
Yeah, I know, is it Brandon?
1259
01:05:45,429 --> 01:05:46,595
You know, because
he's a sweet boy
1260
01:05:46,597 --> 01:05:48,730
but he can also be a
massive pain in the ass.
1261
01:05:48,732 --> 01:05:50,401
Trust me, I know.
1262
01:05:51,969 --> 01:05:52,634
It's not just him.
1263
01:05:52,636 --> 01:05:54,736
It's just that we,
1264
01:05:54,738 --> 01:05:58,707
you know, we both weren't as
honest as we should have been.
1265
01:05:58,709 --> 01:05:59,576
Ah.
1266
01:06:02,446 --> 01:06:05,649
Well, I remember
when Jerry and I met.
1267
01:06:06,750 --> 01:06:10,586
He thought I was a
democrat and a virgin.
1268
01:06:11,523 --> 01:06:15,090
The truth is, I was
in love with Reagan
1269
01:06:15,092 --> 01:06:18,661
and I'd slept with half the
boys in the neighborhood.
1270
01:06:18,663 --> 01:06:20,462
So, you?
1271
01:06:20,464 --> 01:06:24,766
Well, I told him what I
thought he wanted to hear
1272
01:06:24,768 --> 01:06:27,769
which was not the truth, I...
1273
01:06:27,771 --> 01:06:28,703
You...
1274
01:06:28,705 --> 01:06:31,241
Lied, yes, guilty as charged.
1275
01:06:32,377 --> 01:06:36,245
But when I met him, I
knew he was special.
1276
01:06:36,247 --> 01:06:40,616
So all of this nonsense just
came babbling out of me.
1277
01:06:40,618 --> 01:06:42,552
And how did you?
1278
01:06:42,554 --> 01:06:45,020
I eventually found the courage
1279
01:06:45,022 --> 01:06:49,059
to tell him what was in
my head and in my heart.
1280
01:06:50,394 --> 01:06:52,595
And that's been the
glue of our relationship
1281
01:06:52,597 --> 01:06:55,096
from that day forward.
1282
01:06:55,098 --> 01:06:56,767
You sure you don't
want some of this?
1283
01:06:56,769 --> 01:06:58,234
It's Peruvian hog's breath.
1284
01:06:58,236 --> 01:07:00,203
They grow it above three line.
1285
01:07:00,205 --> 01:07:01,471
Sweet.
1286
01:07:01,473 --> 01:07:04,106
Nah, I'm good, thanks, Dad.
1287
01:07:04,108 --> 01:07:06,411
I'm not really in the mood.
1288
01:07:07,345 --> 01:07:09,612
Why so glum, Sunny Jim?
1289
01:07:09,614 --> 01:07:11,681
I don't know, Dad.
1290
01:07:11,683 --> 01:07:13,151
Marriage is hard.
1291
01:07:16,521 --> 01:07:20,290
You have a keen
grasp of the obvious.
1292
01:07:20,292 --> 01:07:24,497
I think mine was just a
bad idea from the start.
1293
01:07:25,664 --> 01:07:29,735
Brandon, not a day goes
by that I don't ask myself,
1294
01:07:31,236 --> 01:07:34,771
did I do the right thing
marrying that woman?
1295
01:07:34,773 --> 01:07:38,207
That's not very romantic, Dad.
1296
01:07:38,209 --> 01:07:41,412
It is when the
answer is always yes.
1297
01:08:09,609 --> 01:08:10,744
Oh, my god.
1298
01:08:25,624 --> 01:08:28,492
Oh,
no, no, no, no, no.
1299
01:08:52,251 --> 01:08:53,283
Sweetie, what's wrong?
1300
01:08:53,285 --> 01:08:54,251
Are you okay?
1301
01:08:54,253 --> 01:08:55,619
Yeah, Mom, I know, I'm fine.
1302
01:08:55,621 --> 01:08:57,388
I just have a
headache, that's all.
1303
01:08:57,390 --> 01:08:59,357
I think I
have something for that.
1304
01:08:59,359 --> 01:09:01,626
Well, you've always got
somethin' for somethin'.
1305
01:09:01,628 --> 01:09:04,829
Great, why do you
have a DEA property room
1306
01:09:04,831 --> 01:09:06,297
around your waist?
1307
01:09:06,299 --> 01:09:07,465
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: Oh, I would love
1308
01:09:07,467 --> 01:09:08,633
to make this bust.
1309
01:09:08,635 --> 01:09:12,403
Window Pane acid, peyote,
shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy,
1310
01:09:12,405 --> 01:09:14,639
hashish and Viagra.
1311
01:09:14,641 --> 01:09:16,341
It's our mobile first aid kit.
1312
01:09:16,343 --> 01:09:18,676
Recently replenished
in Tierra del Fuego.
1313
01:09:18,678 --> 01:09:20,613
You know, they have a
very enlightened attitude
1314
01:09:20,615 --> 01:09:22,483
towards psychotropics.
1315
01:09:23,350 --> 01:09:24,451
Here it is.
1316
01:09:25,251 --> 01:09:26,752
Ginger root.
1317
01:09:26,754 --> 01:09:29,788
Yeah, Dad, don't
you have any Advil?
1318
01:09:29,790 --> 01:09:30,658
Advil.
1319
01:09:31,859 --> 01:09:33,728
That's fuckin' poison.
1320
01:09:36,696 --> 01:09:38,563
Ow, shit!
1321
01:09:38,565 --> 01:09:39,432
Ow, god.
1322
01:09:41,234 --> 01:09:42,467
What?
1323
01:09:42,469 --> 01:09:43,701
Good
morning, Charlotte,
1324
01:09:43,703 --> 01:09:46,205
this is Bonnie Newton from the
Culver City Charter School.
1325
01:09:46,207 --> 01:09:47,708
Is this a good time?
1326
01:09:48,743 --> 01:09:51,343
Yeah, yeah, definitely, hi.
1327
01:09:51,345 --> 01:09:53,211
Good, well,
we're having a gathering
1328
01:09:53,213 --> 01:09:54,980
this afternoon with
some of the board.
1329
01:09:54,982 --> 01:09:57,516
I thought it might help
your cause if you attended
1330
01:09:57,518 --> 01:09:59,818
and demonstrated to
everyone what a solid,
1331
01:09:59,820 --> 01:10:01,520
upstanding, young woman you are.
1332
01:10:01,522 --> 01:10:04,489
Yeah, I would
love to, thank you.
1333
01:10:04,491 --> 01:10:05,724
Well, we
West Virginia gals
1334
01:10:05,726 --> 01:10:07,693
have to stick together.
1335
01:10:08,797 --> 01:10:09,696
I'll email you the details.
1336
01:10:09,698 --> 01:10:11,430
Okay, great.
1337
01:10:11,432 --> 01:10:12,766
Oh, and
bring that charming
1338
01:10:12,768 --> 01:10:14,934
and supportive husband of yours.
1339
01:10:14,936 --> 01:10:17,403
Yeah, of course,
thank you, yeah.
1340
01:10:17,405 --> 01:10:19,238
I'll will see you there, thanks.
1341
01:10:19,240 --> 01:10:20,508
Bye.
1342
01:10:24,512 --> 01:10:25,577
First, you want me
to tell my parents
1343
01:10:25,579 --> 01:10:28,280
we're getting divorced
and now, you want me to go
1344
01:10:28,282 --> 01:10:31,850
to a garden party and pretend
we're happily married?
1345
01:10:31,852 --> 01:10:33,520
Brandon, just please.
1346
01:10:33,522 --> 01:10:35,755
If I get this job, then
I'll have enough money
1347
01:10:35,757 --> 01:10:37,324
and I can move out.
1348
01:10:38,593 --> 01:10:39,428
Okay.
1349
01:10:40,529 --> 01:10:42,494
That makes sense.
1350
01:10:42,496 --> 01:10:44,766
So nice to see you again.
1351
01:10:46,768 --> 01:10:47,599
Oh, Charlotte.
1352
01:10:47,601 --> 01:10:48,567
Hi.
1353
01:10:48,569 --> 01:10:49,668
So glad you
could make it, dear.
1354
01:10:49,670 --> 01:10:50,737
Thank you for having us.
1355
01:10:50,739 --> 01:10:51,704
You're welcome.
1356
01:10:51,706 --> 01:10:53,639
Mrs. Newton, this
is my husband Brandon.
1357
01:10:53,641 --> 01:10:54,841
Very nice to meet you.
1358
01:10:54,843 --> 01:10:57,277
And this is our host
and head of the board,
1359
01:10:57,279 --> 01:10:59,713
Dr. Glenn Wooster and his
mother,
1360
01:10:59,715 --> 01:11:03,418
- Lilian Cavendish Wooster.
- Nice to meet you.
1361
01:11:09,558 --> 01:11:10,790
You know, Charlotte has
been teaching first grade
1362
01:11:10,792 --> 01:11:12,759
for over eight years.
1363
01:11:12,761 --> 01:11:13,927
You don't find it challenging
1364
01:11:13,929 --> 01:11:15,662
to be around children all day?
1365
01:11:15,664 --> 01:11:18,865
Oh, god no, I just
love kids so much.
1366
01:11:18,867 --> 01:11:22,335
They're so honest
and entertaining.
1367
01:11:22,337 --> 01:11:24,605
I have this one student, Emily,
1368
01:11:24,607 --> 01:11:26,372
every day, anywhere she went,
1369
01:11:26,374 --> 01:11:28,641
she always had her two
Barbie dolls at her side.
1370
01:11:28,643 --> 01:11:30,710
And on her birthday, I
asked her what she wanted
1371
01:11:30,712 --> 01:11:32,779
and she told me, she
want more Barbies.
1372
01:11:32,781 --> 01:11:34,547
And so I asked
Emily, I was like,
1373
01:11:34,549 --> 01:11:36,050
well, you already have
Barbies, why do you need more?
1374
01:11:36,052 --> 01:11:38,718
And he said, because my
Barbies smoke and drink
1375
01:11:38,720 --> 01:11:39,654
way too much.
1376
01:11:46,095 --> 01:11:46,927
Excuse me.
1377
01:11:46,929 --> 01:11:48,362
Sure.
1378
01:11:48,364 --> 01:11:49,730
So I just, I don't know.
1379
01:11:49,732 --> 01:11:51,465
They are so much fun
and you never know
1380
01:11:51,467 --> 01:11:53,734
what they're gonna
say or do next.
1381
01:11:53,736 --> 01:11:56,504
Brandon, I
bear good tidings.
1382
01:11:56,506 --> 01:11:58,806
I just got you a full-time
gig working with me
1383
01:11:58,808 --> 01:12:01,709
over here at Plan C,
as promised, buddy.
1384
01:12:01,711 --> 01:12:03,677
Now, please go find a toilet,
1385
01:12:03,679 --> 01:12:04,945
lest you shit yourself with joy
1386
01:12:04,947 --> 01:12:06,679
when I tell you how much
you're getting paid.
1387
01:12:06,681 --> 01:12:07,849
Okay, bye.
1388
01:12:13,456 --> 01:12:14,789
It was so great to meet you.
1389
01:12:14,791 --> 01:12:15,623
Good luck.
1390
01:12:15,625 --> 01:12:16,457
Thank you.
1391
01:12:16,459 --> 01:12:17,092
Hey.
1392
01:12:17,094 --> 01:12:17,925
Hey.
1393
01:12:17,927 --> 01:12:19,027
Got you a beer.
1394
01:12:19,029 --> 01:12:19,896
Thanks.
1395
01:12:21,864 --> 01:12:25,099
You know, I really
don't like beer.
1396
01:12:25,101 --> 01:12:25,933
Really?
1397
01:12:25,935 --> 01:12:26,803
Yeah.
1398
01:12:28,070 --> 01:12:30,004
Neither do I.
1399
01:12:30,006 --> 01:12:31,806
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: At last the truth.
1400
01:12:31,808 --> 01:12:34,812
American beers
taste like shizer.
1401
01:12:39,448 --> 01:12:41,549
Mr. Wooster, I don't
know what the philosophy
1402
01:12:41,551 --> 01:12:43,118
of your school is
but my wife and I
1403
01:12:43,120 --> 01:12:45,821
are big supporters
of constructivism.
1404
01:12:45,823 --> 01:12:47,755
Yes, you know, we
really like the notion
1405
01:12:47,757 --> 01:12:49,891
that the teacher are
facilitating the students
1406
01:12:49,893 --> 01:12:51,826
to interact among themselves.
1407
01:12:51,828 --> 01:12:53,694
Instead of merely
lecturing at them
1408
01:12:53,696 --> 01:12:56,999
as they sit and becoming
passive listeners.
1409
01:12:57,001 --> 01:12:58,567
And having the
students realize
1410
01:12:58,569 --> 01:13:01,503
that everyone has
something to contribute.
1411
01:13:01,505 --> 01:13:03,638
Everyone has a value.
1412
01:13:03,640 --> 01:13:06,141
You must have
read our website.
1413
01:13:06,143 --> 01:13:08,844
No, we have a son
who attended a school
1414
01:13:08,846 --> 01:13:10,645
that was based on
constructivism.
1415
01:13:10,647 --> 01:13:15,416
And we could not be happier
with the way he turned out.
1416
01:13:15,418 --> 01:13:16,086
Cheers.
1417
01:13:21,693 --> 01:13:23,826
I think you made a
very good impression.
1418
01:13:23,828 --> 01:13:25,161
Thank you so much.
1419
01:13:25,163 --> 01:13:26,761
You're welcome, keep it up.
1420
01:13:26,763 --> 01:13:30,632
And by the way, your
in-laws are fabulous.
1421
01:13:30,634 --> 01:13:32,001
Yeah, they're something.
1422
01:13:32,003 --> 01:13:33,102
Oh, my daughter's here!
1423
01:13:33,104 --> 01:13:34,603
She's visiting from Morgantown.
1424
01:13:34,605 --> 01:13:35,670
Hi, honey.
1425
01:13:35,672 --> 01:13:36,571
Hey, Mom.
1426
01:13:36,573 --> 01:13:37,839
Hi, sweetie.
1427
01:13:37,841 --> 01:13:40,075
Charlotte Conroy, I'd like to
introduce you to my daughter,
1428
01:13:40,077 --> 01:13:42,644
Anais, and her husband, Steven.
1429
01:13:42,646 --> 01:13:43,745
Hi, there.
1430
01:13:43,747 --> 01:13:44,881
Steven.
1431
01:13:44,883 --> 01:13:45,815
So predictable.
1432
01:13:45,817 --> 01:13:47,083
Sex, missionary position.
1433
01:13:50,822 --> 01:13:51,888
Asshole!
1434
01:13:51,890 --> 01:13:53,858
Pleasure to meet you.
1435
01:13:55,660 --> 01:13:57,929
Purse is in the dishwasher.
1436
01:14:03,835 --> 01:14:06,501
Mother,
this is wonderful.
1437
01:14:06,503 --> 01:14:08,804
So lovely what you
put together here.
1438
01:14:08,806 --> 01:14:10,873
Grilled shrimp?
1439
01:14:10,875 --> 01:14:12,775
I guess it must have
taken you a very long time
1440
01:14:12,777 --> 01:14:14,044
to ride back from Rwanda.
1441
01:14:14,046 --> 01:14:14,913
Ah!
1442
01:14:19,050 --> 01:14:21,486
Sorry, will you excuse me.
1443
01:14:27,025 --> 01:14:29,759
Hey, honey, look at that.
1444
01:14:29,761 --> 01:14:31,962
Let's go for a walk.
1445
01:14:31,964 --> 01:14:33,797
Hey, you feelin' okay?
1446
01:14:33,799 --> 01:14:34,998
Do you wanna play doctor?
1447
01:14:35,000 --> 01:14:37,566
Okay, Charlotte,
what is going on here?
1448
01:14:37,568 --> 01:14:38,735
I forgot to feed my cat.
1449
01:14:38,737 --> 01:14:39,604
Oh, boy!
1450
01:14:40,272 --> 01:14:42,141
Charlotte, talk to me.
1451
01:14:43,842 --> 01:14:45,110
Charlotte, hey.
1452
01:14:47,012 --> 01:14:48,278
Brandon.
1453
01:14:48,280 --> 01:14:50,047
What the hell are
you two doing here?
1454
01:14:50,049 --> 01:14:51,114
We came to help Charlotte.
1455
01:14:51,116 --> 01:14:52,815
This is very important to her.
1456
01:14:52,817 --> 01:14:53,749
We know.
1457
01:14:53,751 --> 01:14:54,850
We know everything.
1458
01:14:54,852 --> 01:14:56,053
That's why we come here,
1459
01:14:56,055 --> 01:14:57,721
we don't want you to
make a terrible mistake
1460
01:14:57,723 --> 01:14:59,523
and throw away your soul
partner before the cosmos...
1461
01:14:59,525 --> 01:15:00,123
Wait a second.
1462
01:15:00,125 --> 01:15:01,560
Wait a minute.
1463
01:15:05,064 --> 01:15:06,296
Are you two high?
1464
01:15:06,298 --> 01:15:07,130
Brandon!
1465
01:15:07,132 --> 01:15:07,998
Of course we are.
1466
01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:09,666
Oh my god.
1467
01:15:09,668 --> 01:15:10,701
You don't think
that we would turn up
1468
01:15:10,703 --> 01:15:12,703
to something like this straight.
1469
01:15:12,705 --> 01:15:14,871
We've been fighting these
people our entire lives
1470
01:15:14,873 --> 01:15:16,773
with their bourgeoisie
pretentiousness.
1471
01:15:16,775 --> 01:15:18,041
And anal bleaching.
1472
01:15:18,043 --> 01:15:19,777
Would you folks care
for some conflict-free
1473
01:15:19,779 --> 01:15:21,946
Ugandan artichoke confit
on lardo brushed crostini?
1474
01:15:21,948 --> 01:15:22,816
No.
1475
01:15:24,717 --> 01:15:25,784
I'm so sorry.
1476
01:15:36,296 --> 01:15:37,696
Mrs. Conroy.
1477
01:15:38,731 --> 01:15:40,264
How's the new bride?
1478
01:15:40,266 --> 01:15:42,132
Couldn't be better.
1479
01:15:42,134 --> 01:15:44,902
Do I sense
trouble in paradise?
1480
01:15:44,904 --> 01:15:45,937
Not now, Steven.
1481
01:15:45,939 --> 01:15:48,339
Charlotte, this isn't you.
1482
01:15:48,341 --> 01:15:49,173
What?
1483
01:15:49,175 --> 01:15:50,208
What do you mean?
1484
01:15:50,210 --> 01:15:51,378
I am so sorry.
1485
01:15:52,979 --> 01:15:56,781
I hurt you very badly and your
life has taken an ugly turn,
1486
01:15:56,783 --> 01:15:57,817
I apologize.
1487
01:15:58,985 --> 01:16:02,753
You obviously married the
first guy you met after me.
1488
01:16:02,755 --> 01:16:04,055
Where was it?
1489
01:16:04,057 --> 01:16:05,289
A dating website?
1490
01:16:05,291 --> 01:16:06,991
Singles bar?
1491
01:16:06,993 --> 01:16:08,193
Old Navy?
1492
01:16:08,195 --> 01:16:09,163
No, eBay.
1493
01:16:10,897 --> 01:16:12,131
Good god.
1494
01:16:12,133 --> 01:16:13,931
You bought a husband online?
1495
01:16:13,933 --> 01:16:18,002
No, we met online, and then
fell in love and got married.
1496
01:16:18,004 --> 01:16:20,372
And not after 14 years, Steven.
1497
01:16:20,374 --> 01:16:23,674
Not all the changes are bad.
1498
01:16:23,676 --> 01:16:24,711
The clothes.
1499
01:16:25,745 --> 01:16:26,613
The hair.
1500
01:16:28,882 --> 01:16:31,784
Do you think about
me, Charlotte?
1501
01:16:31,786 --> 01:16:34,386
'Cause I think about you.
1502
01:16:34,388 --> 01:16:35,821
Of course, I think about you.
1503
01:16:35,823 --> 01:16:38,625
We spent half our
lives together.
1504
01:16:49,270 --> 01:16:50,902
The whale song.
1505
01:16:50,904 --> 01:16:53,071
The whale song, the mating
cry of the humpback.
1506
01:16:53,073 --> 01:16:54,772
Let's get you into
the house, mother,
1507
01:16:54,774 --> 01:16:57,778
and you can take
a nice little nap.
1508
01:16:59,381 --> 01:17:01,080
How dare you?
1509
01:17:01,082 --> 01:17:02,683
Let's go, mother.
1510
01:17:03,984 --> 01:17:06,787
Oh, I miss your
father so much!
1511
01:17:09,423 --> 01:17:10,823
Steven?
1512
01:17:10,825 --> 01:17:11,692
Yes.
1513
01:17:12,860 --> 01:17:14,795
You're such an asshole.
1514
01:17:16,263 --> 01:17:18,263
Is that all it took?
1515
01:17:18,265 --> 01:17:20,934
You want me now that
I'm with someone else?
1516
01:17:20,936 --> 01:17:22,368
There's more to it
than that, Charlotte.
1517
01:17:22,370 --> 01:17:23,836
Oh yeah, really, like what?
1518
01:17:23,838 --> 01:17:25,071
And you'd really better be quick
1519
01:17:25,073 --> 01:17:27,173
because my husband is
right outside that door.
1520
01:17:27,175 --> 01:17:30,276
And your wife, that poor woman.
1521
01:17:30,278 --> 01:17:32,245
I mean, you don't
even understand.
1522
01:17:32,247 --> 01:17:36,183
Anais, she is so spontaneous
and unpredictable.
1523
01:17:37,818 --> 01:17:39,985
One minute, we're
snowboarding in Telluride,
1524
01:17:39,987 --> 01:17:44,257
the next we are making love
in a Mexican agave field.
1525
01:17:44,259 --> 01:17:46,359
I miss your predictability.
1526
01:17:46,361 --> 01:17:49,963
I miss the quiet, boring
times, the unimaginative sex,
1527
01:17:49,965 --> 01:17:51,197
all of it.
1528
01:17:51,199 --> 01:17:54,236
I never appreciated
it until it was gone.
1529
01:17:55,703 --> 01:17:58,271
Well, it's not coming back.
1530
01:17:58,273 --> 01:17:59,141
Ever.
1531
01:18:00,275 --> 01:18:03,278
Hey, hey, I just
got a new job in DC.
1532
01:18:04,112 --> 01:18:06,412
Let's leave these two horrible,
1533
01:18:06,414 --> 01:18:10,850
disgusting mistakes behind
and get back to our old lives.
1534
01:18:10,852 --> 01:18:13,153
My husband is not a mistake.
1535
01:18:13,155 --> 01:18:14,888
Yes, we rushed into marriage
1536
01:18:14,890 --> 01:18:16,423
and things haven't been perfect
1537
01:18:16,425 --> 01:18:18,459
and after 10 ridiculous days,
1538
01:18:18,461 --> 01:18:21,828
things are just blowing
up in our faces, but
1539
01:18:21,830 --> 01:18:24,931
there have been moments,
in between all the lies
1540
01:18:24,933 --> 01:18:26,766
and the bullshit where
I've loved him more
1541
01:18:26,768 --> 01:18:29,903
than anybody in my entire life.
1542
01:18:29,905 --> 01:18:30,906
Including you.
1543
01:18:32,742 --> 01:18:33,843
So it's over.
1544
01:18:35,344 --> 01:18:36,277
Perfect.
1545
01:18:36,279 --> 01:18:37,511
No, Steven.
1546
01:18:37,513 --> 01:18:40,813
Hey, I dare you to
kiss me one more time
1547
01:18:40,815 --> 01:18:43,750
and tell me you don't love me.
1548
01:18:43,752 --> 01:18:44,784
Ow!
1549
01:18:44,786 --> 01:18:45,919
Oh, fuck.
1550
01:18:45,921 --> 01:18:46,853
Sorry, Steven.
1551
01:18:46,855 --> 01:18:50,123
But as we say in the
yard, I gotta do me.
1552
01:18:50,125 --> 01:18:53,159
So fuck all y'all if
you can't appreciate it!
1553
01:18:53,161 --> 01:18:54,029
Huh!
1554
01:19:02,539 --> 01:19:04,872
Mr. Wooster, I wanna
apologize for earlier.
1555
01:19:04,874 --> 01:19:06,040
My wife threw her back out
1556
01:19:06,042 --> 01:19:08,542
and I was giving
her an adjustment.
1557
01:19:08,544 --> 01:19:10,811
Anyway, we really
love the school
1558
01:19:10,813 --> 01:19:14,848
and we'd like to make
a small donation.
1559
01:19:14,850 --> 01:19:18,920
I don't see how that's
gonna make any difference.
1560
01:19:19,789 --> 01:19:21,389
This is very generous.
1561
01:19:21,391 --> 01:19:22,557
Thank you very much.
1562
01:19:22,559 --> 01:19:27,863
I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton
and tell her the good news.
1563
01:19:28,898 --> 01:19:30,265
Wasn't that check for Brandon?
1564
01:19:30,267 --> 01:19:31,932
Our son's not very
good with money anyway
1565
01:19:31,934 --> 01:19:33,901
so it doesn't matter.
1566
01:19:33,903 --> 01:19:36,036
And an investment
in her future.
1567
01:19:36,038 --> 01:19:39,008
Is an investment
in their future.
1568
01:19:48,852 --> 01:19:50,885
Did you mean what
you said in there?
1569
01:19:50,887 --> 01:19:52,053
Yes.
1570
01:19:52,055 --> 01:19:52,923
No, maybe.
1571
01:19:55,325 --> 01:19:56,426
I don't know.
1572
01:20:01,831 --> 01:20:02,564
Hey.
1573
01:20:02,566 --> 01:20:03,698
Hey.
1574
01:20:03,700 --> 01:20:06,133
Wow, looks like you could
use a little first aid,
1575
01:20:06,135 --> 01:20:07,603
my friend.
1576
01:20:27,591 --> 01:20:30,058
All hail,
all hail the chosen one.
1577
01:20:30,060 --> 01:20:31,059
Who said that?
1578
01:20:31,061 --> 01:20:32,528
It is I my lord,
1579
01:20:32,530 --> 01:20:34,130
Pegaverneius Candoe of
the Nexus Space and Guild.
1580
01:20:34,132 --> 01:20:38,634
I have traveled nearly
12 parsecs to find you.
1581
01:20:38,636 --> 01:20:39,602
Okay.
1582
01:20:39,604 --> 01:20:40,935
You
are the rightful heir
1583
01:20:40,937 --> 01:20:42,371
to the throne of Nargathus.
1584
01:20:42,373 --> 01:20:44,540
The star child as foretold
in our prophesies.
1585
01:20:44,542 --> 01:20:46,242
A magnificent creature
of unlimited wisdom
1586
01:20:46,244 --> 01:20:47,976
and breath taking
physical perfection.
1587
01:20:47,978 --> 01:20:48,812
Yeah.
1588
01:20:50,080 --> 01:20:51,014
I get that.
1589
01:20:52,383 --> 01:20:53,582
The
great epiphany is at hand.
1590
01:20:53,584 --> 01:20:55,250
Reveal your magnificence
to the members
1591
01:20:55,252 --> 01:20:57,086
of the Culver City Charter
School Board,
1592
01:20:57,088 --> 01:20:59,055
and then the world.
1593
01:20:59,057 --> 01:21:01,324
Let them kowtow at your feet.
1594
01:21:01,326 --> 01:21:02,958
Worship you.
1595
01:21:02,960 --> 01:21:05,596
Tremble at you your
unlimited power.
1596
01:21:14,205 --> 01:21:16,372
I must tell you how
delighted we all are
1597
01:21:16,374 --> 01:21:20,910
about the substantial
donation from your in-laws.
1598
01:21:20,912 --> 01:21:23,547
Well, they are very
surprisingly generous people.
1599
01:21:23,549 --> 01:21:24,481
Well, I can tell you,
1600
01:21:24,483 --> 01:21:26,182
there's a lot we can
do with those funds.
1601
01:21:26,184 --> 01:21:28,117
Loyal subjects!
1602
01:21:28,119 --> 01:21:30,054
I am your unicorn king!
1603
01:21:31,457 --> 01:21:34,924
By the powers vested in me
through the flames of Asinoff,
1604
01:21:34,926 --> 01:21:39,163
I command you, kneel, kneel
before your unicorn king.
1605
01:21:40,666 --> 01:21:42,498
That guys
I fucking crazy.
1606
01:21:42,500 --> 01:21:46,470
The time in neigh,
the season is in bloom,
1607
01:21:46,472 --> 01:21:49,539
I call upon you
subjects to step forth
1608
01:21:49,541 --> 01:21:51,876
and harvest this royal seed.
1609
01:22:02,521 --> 01:22:05,489
Steven, what the
hell are you doing?
1610
01:22:05,491 --> 01:22:08,193
Fair Anais, Steven is no more.
1611
01:22:11,196 --> 01:22:12,866
Your milk has soured.
1612
01:22:14,667 --> 01:22:15,901
Oh, Momma!
1613
01:22:18,036 --> 01:22:22,040
Look upon me as I raise
the imperial scepter.
1614
01:22:25,010 --> 01:22:27,946
Mommy,
that man is nasty.
1615
01:22:29,648 --> 01:22:31,684
Prepare to receive me!
1616
01:22:33,986 --> 01:22:34,719
Bam!
1617
01:22:36,256 --> 01:22:38,523
That has to hurt.
1618
01:22:44,196 --> 01:22:46,131
And, as I was saying,
1619
01:22:48,568 --> 01:22:51,001
could you come in on Monday?
1620
01:22:51,003 --> 01:22:53,336
Oh, we would be honored
to have a young woman
1621
01:22:53,338 --> 01:22:55,641
of your character at
Culver City Charter.
1622
01:22:55,643 --> 01:22:56,775
I'd love to!
1623
01:22:56,777 --> 01:22:58,677
Thank you so much.
1624
01:22:58,679 --> 01:22:59,711
Oh my god, thank you.
1625
01:22:59,713 --> 01:23:00,580
Thank you.
1626
01:23:06,786 --> 01:23:09,454
What in the world
got into Steven?
1627
01:23:09,456 --> 01:23:10,688
I don't know.
1628
01:23:10,690 --> 01:23:11,957
Any ideas?
1629
01:23:12,659 --> 01:23:14,292
Food poisoning perhaps?
1630
01:23:14,294 --> 01:23:18,698
I think the artichoke confit
looked a little sketchy.
1631
01:23:21,302 --> 01:23:24,770
Since there's no dispute
over assets or property,
1632
01:23:24,772 --> 01:23:26,607
just sign and it's done.
1633
01:23:27,741 --> 01:23:31,643
You'll never have to
see one another again.
1634
01:23:31,645 --> 01:23:35,781
That line right there, the
one with your name next to it.
1635
01:23:35,783 --> 01:23:36,650
I know.
1636
01:23:43,122 --> 01:23:47,495
On second thought, I want
the Chinese rocket statue.
1637
01:23:50,164 --> 01:23:51,131
Alrighty.
1638
01:23:52,032 --> 01:23:55,536
If you agree, Mr.
Conroy, we're done here.
1639
01:23:57,805 --> 01:23:59,571
No.
1640
01:23:59,573 --> 01:24:01,840
No, I can't part with that.
1641
01:24:01,842 --> 01:24:05,744
Well, what if y'all
shared joint custody?
1642
01:24:05,746 --> 01:24:08,648
Each of you take it for
a week or two at a time?
1643
01:24:08,650 --> 01:24:11,350
No, that won't work.
1644
01:24:11,352 --> 01:24:14,086
Can you just buy
a second statue?
1645
01:24:14,088 --> 01:24:16,789
That way, y'all can
each have your own.
1646
01:24:16,791 --> 01:24:18,223
No.
1647
01:24:18,225 --> 01:24:20,194
No, it's one of a kind.
1648
01:24:21,462 --> 01:24:23,662
Well bless your hearts.
1649
01:24:23,664 --> 01:24:25,831
I don't mean to be rude
1650
01:24:25,833 --> 01:24:27,699
but I've gotta be
gettin' out to Malibu.
1651
01:24:27,701 --> 01:24:30,235
I'm havin' lunch at Gerard's.
1652
01:24:30,237 --> 01:24:32,672
Try the lobster,
it's delicious.
1653
01:24:32,674 --> 01:24:34,674
And not cheap.
1654
01:24:34,676 --> 01:24:36,743
Can we please get
this thing goin'?
1655
01:24:36,745 --> 01:24:38,611
Hey, don't rush
our divorce, man.
1656
01:24:38,613 --> 01:24:39,846
Yeah.
1657
01:24:39,848 --> 01:24:43,583
You know, maybe we
should get lunch, too.
1658
01:24:43,585 --> 01:24:46,753
Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't
do this on an empty stomach.
1659
01:24:46,755 --> 01:24:47,854
Right.
1660
01:24:47,856 --> 01:24:49,454
Now, hold on a second.
1661
01:24:49,456 --> 01:24:51,724
What about your signatures?
1662
01:24:51,726 --> 01:24:53,191
Damn it to hell.
1663
01:24:53,193 --> 01:24:55,796
The wheels are
comin' off the wagon.
1664
01:24:55,798 --> 01:24:58,899
This divorce is fallin' apart.
1665
01:24:58,901 --> 01:25:02,201
- I blame her.
- It's his fault.
1666
01:25:16,751 --> 01:25:17,884
This ends now.
1667
01:25:17,886 --> 01:25:20,888
I'm getting out of here
and you're not stopping me!
1668
01:25:22,592 --> 01:25:24,525
An so concludes our story.
1669
01:25:24,527 --> 01:25:26,159
Poor Charlotte and Brandon,
1670
01:25:26,161 --> 01:25:28,796
their journey has
taught them nothing.
1671
01:25:28,798 --> 01:25:30,563
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
1672
01:25:30,565 --> 01:25:31,765
Did I slap you too hard?
1673
01:25:31,767 --> 01:25:34,603
Nein baby, it was just right.
1674
01:31:52,120 --> 01:31:54,122
I see you understand sign
language.
1675
01:31:54,124 --> 01:31:54,718
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