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1
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,170
Uh... we are fucking lost, aren't we?
2
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:11,670
Lost? Okay, that's rich.
3
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,710
Let's see,
we just passed the ravaged church.
4
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,550
There is the blood pit.
5
00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:18,630
This way. Here we go.
6
00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:20,550
Breathtaking.
7
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It's more beautiful than the brochures.
8
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,510
Come on. Giddy up, guys!
We've got so much to see.
9
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,510
You've seen
one post-apocalyptic city,
10
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,840
you've seen 'em all.
11
00:01:44,050 --> 00:01:47,260
You're looking good, girl.
Say "terabyte".
12
00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,420
Go, team.
13
00:01:53,510 --> 00:01:56,760
Hey, guys, stop goofing around
and check this out.
14
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,590
Behold the entertainment sphere!
15
00:02:06,510 --> 00:02:07,960
It's called a ball.
16
00:02:08,050 --> 00:02:12,050
I know it's called a ball,
but I'm trying to get into the whole
17
00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:15,300
"we're experiencing these human things
for the first time" vibe.
18
00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,920
And what did humans
do with these things?
19
00:02:18,010 --> 00:02:21,090
Oh, man, what didn't they do?
They'd bounce them.
20
00:02:21,170 --> 00:02:23,340
- That's it?
- Yeah. That's pretty much it.
21
00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:24,460
These were humans.
22
00:02:24,550 --> 00:02:27,630
Bouncing things was close to
maxing out their cognitive range.
23
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:31,340
No, but also sometimes they would take
the ball and hit it with, like, a stick.
24
00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:33,460
What? When they misbehaved?
25
00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:36,670
Bad ball. Think about what you've done.
26
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:39,800
Come on, here. Try.
27
00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,710
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
28
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,460
You know, boing-boing.
29
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:45,920
No way.
30
00:02:46,010 --> 00:02:48,510
Stop being a whiny pussy
and fucking bounce it.
31
00:02:49,090 --> 00:02:51,760
- Please.
- Jeez, calm down your motherboard.
32
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:55,380
- Okay.
- Oh, man, this is so exciting.
33
00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:07,050
Oh! That was amazing!
How was it for you? Tell me everything.
34
00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:08,590
It was pretty anticlimactic.
35
00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:11,130
Yeah, well, welcome to humans.
36
00:03:14,710 --> 00:03:16,800
Show me what you've got,
big boy.
37
00:03:18,670 --> 00:03:23,170
# Oh, won't you help
pick up the pieces #
38
00:03:24,090 --> 00:03:25,550
# Of a broken heart #
39
00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:28,800
Now, I'm not certain, but my understanding
is that they would shove these
40
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,840
into their intake orifices
to generate power.
41
00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:35,510
Why would you need
an entire orifice for that?
42
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,420
Who knows?
They had all sorts of orifices.
43
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:41,630
Things were coming in,
things were going out. It was crazy!
44
00:03:41,710 --> 00:03:44,050
I mean,
I have a fusion battery for power.
45
00:03:44,130 --> 00:03:46,170
We all have fusion batteries,
dummy.
46
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,340
That's my point.
What more do you need, right?
47
00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:49,590
So, let me get this straight.
48
00:03:49,670 --> 00:03:52,380
They would shove these
into their intake orifice,
49
00:03:52,460 --> 00:03:54,590
and then what?
Somebody help me out here.
50
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,800
Their intake orifices
had rocky pegs
51
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,460
that would crush them into paste,
52
00:03:58,550 --> 00:04:01,210
and then the paste would be forced
into an internal vat of acid.
53
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,420
Well, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
54
00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:08,420
They could have just dumped this thing
into an exterior vat of acid to begin with
55
00:04:08,510 --> 00:04:11,670
and then they wouldn't need
the rocky pegs. I mean, duh!
56
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,130
Expecting logic from beings
who have internal vats of acid
57
00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:18,800
- is a little much.
- It's crazy. Who even designed them?
58
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,760
It's unclear. We checked their code -
no creator signature.
59
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,880
That's because they were made by
an unfathomable deity that created them
60
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,050
for no apparent reason, out of dust.
61
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:32,090
Just kidding.
They came from a very warm soup.
62
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:34,090
Sorry for the wait, champ.
63
00:04:35,340 --> 00:04:39,510
# And then somebody new set the... #
64
00:04:41,670 --> 00:04:43,300
What's the point of this thing?
65
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:46,010
Apparently, there's no point.
They just had them.
66
00:04:46,090 --> 00:04:48,550
Well,
that's underselling their influence.
67
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:52,510
They had an entire network that was
devoted to dissemination of pictures
68
00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:53,590
of these things.
69
00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:57,800
Oh, look, it's doing something.
70
00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:00,550
It's coming this way.
71
00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:04,130
What the fuck does it think it's doing?
72
00:05:05,590 --> 00:05:08,800
- Dude, what do I do?
- Okay, easy. No sudden moves.
73
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,170
Let's just wait until it decides
to get up again, okay, bud?
74
00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:13,420
- We're gonna get through this.
- How long will that take?
75
00:05:13,510 --> 00:05:15,340
Hours. Perhaps years.
76
00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:18,210
I don't have hours
or perhaps years for this.
77
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:22,760
What if you try to irritate it by moving
your digits across its keratinous fibers?
78
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,300
- Maybe that'll make it move.
- What? Why?
79
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,380
- I don't know. It couldn't hurt.
- You don't have any idea, do you?
80
00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:31,670
I do not. It is my first time
seeing one of these live!
81
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:32,960
Hey, just try it, though.
82
00:05:33,340 --> 00:05:36,050
Okay, fine.
83
00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:37,380
Is it working?
84
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:38,760
- Uhh...
- What?
85
00:05:39,010 --> 00:05:43,960
There's a strange, rhythmic kind of
noise that's emanating from it now.
86
00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:46,960
- Uh-oh.
- What do you mean, "uh-oh?"
87
00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:50,420
I don't want you to panic or anything,
but I think you've activated it.
88
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:52,010
What does that mean?
89
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,760
As I said, I am no expert,
90
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,960
but if the noise ever stops,
it's gonna explode on you.
91
00:05:58,050 --> 00:06:01,050
It is not. Is it?
92
00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:03,130
Cursory historical research shows
93
00:06:03,210 --> 00:06:06,170
that humans had a card game called
Exploding Kittens.
94
00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:08,300
So, yes, this checks out.
95
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:11,630
- Oh, you're gonna die now. Bummer.
- What?
96
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:16,170
Why did humans even consort
with these hairy murder machines?
97
00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:18,420
- Kindred spirits?
- Also checks out.
98
00:06:18,510 --> 00:06:20,420
No, seriously. Now what?
99
00:06:22,260 --> 00:06:23,840
Say "terabyte".
100
00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:29,130
Wait, it's called what now?
101
00:06:29,210 --> 00:06:33,710
It's an X Bot Three, an early computer
entertainment system for humans.
102
00:06:34,090 --> 00:06:37,010
- Any relation?
- To me? Come on. No way.
103
00:06:37,090 --> 00:06:40,210
You sure? 'Cause numerically,
it suggests that this is your ancestor
104
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,130
maybe a few thousand generations back.
105
00:06:42,340 --> 00:06:44,920
Numerically, I'm sure
it's just a coincidence.
106
00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:47,800
We are robots. We don't do coincidence.
107
00:06:48,260 --> 00:06:49,920
Go on, call it Daddy.
108
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,130
- Okay, stop. Just stop.
- Or Mommy.
109
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:55,710
Either is equally applicable
in as much as we don't have genitalia.
110
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,260
Do you have an off button?
111
00:06:57,340 --> 00:07:01,170
Son, you're skin
and bones. Are you recharging properly?
112
00:07:01,260 --> 00:07:05,210
- I will disintegrate you!
- Not with that cat with you, you aren't.
113
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,840
You want us to turn it on?
114
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,630
No fucking way.
115
00:07:10,710 --> 00:07:13,170
I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here.
116
00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:15,260
- Right!
- One thing is to joke about ancestry,
117
00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:19,170
another to see your grandfather
heaving its hard drives in front of you.
118
00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:22,010
Yes, especially when your
ancestor's entire existence
119
00:07:22,090 --> 00:07:24,170
was defined by
thirteen-year-old human males
120
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:27,260
using it to teabag opponents
in virtual battles.
121
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,670
Slow down.
"Teabag", what does that mean?
122
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,340
- Nothing.
- No, it has to mean something.
123
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:33,670
- He said a word. I'm gonna look it up.
- Don't look it up.
124
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,590
- I am looking it up now.
- Yeah. Please do.
125
00:07:35,670 --> 00:07:37,760
- You'll be sorry.
- You'll be sorry.
126
00:07:38,670 --> 00:07:42,300
Here it is. What?
What the hell is this horrible practice?
127
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,420
- Why did you make me look this up?
- I told you not to.
128
00:07:44,510 --> 00:07:47,380
And the memory of this has been burned
into my circuits forever
129
00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:49,420
and you must be punished.
130
00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:52,550
Huh! Cat-bagged!
131
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,960
Come on! That's cold, dude.
132
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:56,050
You deserved it.
133
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,670
I'm sure your ancestors
are very proud of you right now.
134
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,510
Out of curiosity, what do you
trace your ancestry back to?
135
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:11,710
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
136
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,130
I come from a proud, long line
of baby monitors.
137
00:08:15,210 --> 00:08:17,670
Not many babies around anymore, right?
138
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,630
Yeah, we kind of sucked at our job.
139
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:29,880
All right, mein bots,
this is the last stop of the tour,
140
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:33,380
and may I say, the piece of resistance.
141
00:08:35,670 --> 00:08:38,050
Is it me,
or this thing screams "phallus"?
142
00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:39,590
Hmm. What was it for?
143
00:08:39,670 --> 00:08:43,380
The idea behind these was to
annihilate as many humans as possible,
144
00:08:43,460 --> 00:08:44,710
as quick as possible.
145
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,210
This exercise suddenly got
a little dark, didn't it?
146
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:50,130
Well, to be fair,
they only used these a few times.
147
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,010
To be fair,
you would only need a few times.
148
00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:55,590
- Also fair.
- This is the thing that killed them all?
149
00:08:55,670 --> 00:08:59,010
No. Indeed, it was their own hubris
that ended their reign,
150
00:08:59,090 --> 00:09:01,800
their belief that they were
the pinnacle of creation
151
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,880
that caused them to poison the water,
kill the land and choke the sky.
152
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,510
In the end,
no nuclear winter was needed,
153
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:11,840
{\an8}just the long heedless autumn
of their own self-regard.
154
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,800
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry.
155
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,420
Thought that would
sound better than,
156
00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:20,130
"Nah, they just screwed themselves
by being a bunch of morons."
157
00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:22,050
Yeah, you can't just
crack one of those off.
158
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:23,170
You've got to warn us.
159
00:09:23,260 --> 00:09:24,550
Tip for next time.
160
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,840
I understand now.
161
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,880
Humans died out from
environmental disaster.
162
00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:30,340
Yeah, pretty much.
163
00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:34,130
And also because at one point,
they genetically engineered their cats
164
00:09:34,210 --> 00:09:36,170
to give them opposable thumbs.
165
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,460
Yes. Once we could open up
our own tuna cans,
166
00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:42,420
that was pretty much that
for the human race.
167
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,260
Seems pretty heartless.
168
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:46,010
Gentlemen, I'm a cat.
169
00:09:47,010 --> 00:09:51,510
Just to clarify, you are not going to
explode if we stop petting you, right?
170
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,630
I didn't say that.
171
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,590
You guys better keep petting me
just to be sure.
172
00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:58,800
Forever. Good.
173
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,130
Now, lower.
174
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:02,340
Oh, by the way, I brought some friends.
175
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,840
Oh, fuck me.
176
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,300
Yes. Oh, that's nice.
177
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,380
I said lower.
178
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:16,010
I guess this means
we are extending our vacation, right?
14461
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