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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,808 You're the worst. All new wednesdays at 10:00. 2 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:10,943 Only on fxx. 3 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:15,247 Announcer: Fx presents better things. 4 00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,688 Hi, Sam. 5 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,356 Hi, Dr. akoya. 6 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,691 How are you doing? 7 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,459 I'm okay. 8 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,361 Been behaving yourself? 9 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,864 Well, you're about to find out. 10 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,365 You might find some evidence in there. 11 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,234 [Laughing] 12 00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,702 Gosh, you're so crazy. 13 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,071 I can see you haven't been behaving yourself. 14 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,840 You've got a belly full of dicks there, young lady. 15 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,575 Oh, god! 16 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,311 - Sam, you must stop. - Sorry. 17 00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,579 Okay, shall we take a look? 18 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:50,482 - [Exhale] Fine. - All right. 19 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:53,085 Okay. Anyway, 20 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,088 I was just kidding. I haven't done anythi-ing. 21 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,499 Okay? 22 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,134 Yeah. 23 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,039 Right. Okay. 24 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:16,208 All good. All normal. 25 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:19,912 Okay. Normal, like... 26 00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:21,947 For my age? 27 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,215 How close am I? 28 00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:24,850 Close to... 29 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:27,119 Like, have I shut down down there? 30 00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,353 Am I a man yet? 31 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,556 Please tell me I'm close to being a man. 32 00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:31,890 No more periods. 33 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,760 Sam, I hate to tell you, 34 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,462 but you have the reproductive system 35 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:37,696 of a 16-year-old. 36 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:40,065 Oh, my god. 37 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:43,702 Yeah. Your tubes are ripe and working. 38 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,371 Jesus, that's so weird. 39 00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,474 Why? 40 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:51,110 I don't know. I just... Because... 41 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,278 Ew! Shut up. Stop talking about me. 42 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,114 Okay. All right. 43 00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:57,349 Talk about you. When are you due? 44 00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:00,786 Any bloody minute, as you can see. 45 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,155 Can I feel? 46 00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:05,257 - Yeah, of course. - Oh! 47 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:08,327 Hello, there, baby. 48 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,562 Your mommy's a doctor. 49 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:15,000 And your daddy's a... Uh, writer? 50 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:19,505 Yeah, yeah. He, um, well, he's trying to write. 51 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,240 Mm. 52 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,745 So this is so weird. 53 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,615 Um, I went to Dr. akoya today. 54 00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:30,782 She pregnant? 55 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,251 Yeah. 56 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,185 - Really? - Oh, my god. 57 00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:34,486 I know. That's annoying. 58 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,688 - Why? - I don't know. 59 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,423 She should take a leave of absence when she's pregnant. 60 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,193 - Why? - I don't know. 61 00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:43,328 Oh, baby, are you pausing yet? 62 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,931 No. Okay, so this is the weird thing. 63 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,199 I assumed, you know. 64 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,501 I thought I was at the end of the rope here, 65 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,171 and I was kind of hoping that she was going to say that. 66 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:55,841 But apparently I have the reproductive system 67 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,776 of a 16-year-old. Like, 68 00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,512 my tubes are really good, 69 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,015 and my eggs are still coming, 70 00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:06,785 and I'm fully functional and productive 71 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:10,222 and just the reproductive system of a 16-year-old. 72 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,058 Hmm. 73 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,929 Did I fart? What's wrong? 74 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,533 But your eggs are... Fried. 75 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,035 Right? I mean, they're... Rotten. 76 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:26,371 It's not like you can make anything. 77 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,740 Um... 78 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,876 Do you want to have a baby? 79 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,345 - No. I just... - Then why did you bring it up? 80 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,480 I just thought it was funny. 81 00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:37,416 Oh. Well, it is. It's funny. 82 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,253 Um, okay. 83 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:43,322 I think I'm going to have the s'mores. 84 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:49,428 Mother, you had me 85 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:55,300 but I never had you 86 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:03,275 I, I wanted you 87 00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:09,248 you didn't want me 88 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,257 as long as you're doing all this, 89 00:04:18,259 --> 00:04:20,359 can you help me out on the chin a little? 90 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,727 Do I have to be an alien 91 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,396 who's also an aging lady with whiskers? 92 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,465 Don't women on the planet zeepzop 93 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,800 get electrolysis or whatever? 94 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,302 [Laughter] 95 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,371 No, but seriously, can you... 96 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,374 Hi, Sam. 97 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:38,076 Oh. Hi. 98 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:41,146 So, um, this is just... 99 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,814 I'm sorry, but thank you so much. 100 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,150 What? 101 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:48,954 Uh, you can get out of that make-up and go home. 102 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,290 Home to the hotel? 103 00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:54,293 No. Home to Los Angeles. 104 00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:56,495 Oh. 105 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,930 Oh. 106 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,899 Got it. I'm fired. 107 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,301 No. Not exactly. 108 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,735 They decided that 109 00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,337 instead of the horvan crystal getting destroyed 110 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,072 and then having to come back to the planet 111 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,507 to seek the source, they're just going to go 112 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,475 straight to the peevan galaxy. 113 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,943 Oh. No. Totally. 114 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:14,413 Also, we, uh, would really appreciate it 115 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,782 if you didn't divulge any of the story points to the public 116 00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:19,351 or post any selfies while still in make-up. 117 00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,120 Copy that. 118 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,522 Hi. 119 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,358 Can we smoke in your cab? 120 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,997 How many kids do you have, Curtis? 121 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,765 [jamaican accent] I got four kids, man. 122 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,467 Are any of them named Curtis? 123 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,703 Uh-huh. No, them all girl, you see, 124 00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:40,138 but I'm on working on getting me a Curtis, 125 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:43,108 and I will not quit until I get me one. 126 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,209 [Laughing] 127 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,311 So how many kids you got, darling? 128 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,180 I have three girls. 129 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,514 Is the daddy a good man? 130 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,351 Um... Uh... 131 00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:53,885 I get the picture. 132 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,454 That's why, cuz, i will never, 133 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:56,955 never leave my children. 134 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,557 Never. 135 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,226 Yeah, so you get to tuck them in every night, 136 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,461 right, daddy? 137 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,397 Soon come. They live in Jamaica. 138 00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:11,703 - Yoo-hoo! - Hi, mom. 139 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,505 - Hello, darling. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 140 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,006 - Hi. - Don't come over here. 141 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,341 Don't come over here. Don't come... 142 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,543 Have a good day, mom. 143 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,145 - What are you doing? - I got to go... 144 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,480 What are you doing? 145 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,849 I just got back from working in Canada. 146 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:27,185 Canada? You know, it's legal to be a prostitute there. 147 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,387 Fascinating, isn't it? 148 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:30,155 If you're not a child. 149 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,557 It's illegal to pay for a prostitute, 150 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,359 but it's legal to be one. 151 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:37,596 Oh. Good. Well, anyway... 152 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:41,600 [sigh]... They let me go a day early, so... 153 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,602 Where are the girls? 154 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,404 Well, i assume they're here, 155 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,873 although they don't answer their phones to torture me. 156 00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,241 Susie's with them. 157 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,410 Oh. Why didn't you ask me to watch them 158 00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,178 - when you were gone? - Oh, that's okay. 159 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,513 Well, anyway, it's impossible, 160 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:55,881 because i couldn't have done, 161 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,248 because we had a neighborhood watch meeting 162 00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:59,017 to discuss disaster response. 163 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,586 Mom, I want to go inside now. 164 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,054 Yes. I know, but... 165 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,222 - Okay. - Hold on a minute 166 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:05,457 because what I wanted to tell you 167 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:08,059 was that I'm building up my muscles. 168 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,428 And look. Look at my arm. 169 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,530 - That's good. Good. - No, look. Feel it. 170 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,298 - Nope. - Because what's interesting 171 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,233 is that my nail is falling off, 172 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,601 - and that's disgusting. - No. Mom, I don't... 173 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,637 But my muscles are really, really good. 174 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,038 - Go on, feel them, Sam. - No, no. 175 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,306 Let me see yours, then. 176 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,642 No, mom! I don't want to stand outside 177 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:27,279 and compare bodies with you like we're grooming chimps. 178 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,981 I'm sorry. 179 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,117 Time to go home now, though. 180 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,220 You certainly told me. 181 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,988 Yes. Home. Now. 182 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,323 All right. 183 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,295 Oh. 184 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,474 Oh, shit. 185 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:57,209 [Gasp] 186 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,512 Oh, shit. 187 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,647 Hello. 188 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,549 [Gasp] 189 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:10,088 [Phone rings] 190 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,360 [Ring] 191 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:21,366 [Ring] 192 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:24,936 [Ring] 193 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,043 No, mom. I mean, you weren't even supposed to be home today. 194 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,612 We would have cleaned it all up. 195 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,780 This... this doesn't even count. 196 00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:37,249 Sam? 197 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,619 [Sigh] Hi, susie. 198 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,953 Hi. 199 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,956 Susie, I didn't mean it. 200 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,658 I didn't mean hi. 201 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,727 Sorry. 202 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,062 Where is Duke? 203 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,564 Duke is sleeping at lam's house, 204 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,366 and Max... 205 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:57,369 Oh, no, no, I don't give a shit where Max is right now. 206 00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,504 Mom, you're freakazoid. 207 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:00,906 Please stop freaking out 208 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,174 so we don't have to send you to a mental hospital. 209 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,509 This is what I'm going to do. 210 00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,411 I'm going to go upstairs and take a long nap, 211 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,313 like susie got to, 212 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:11,516 and then I'm going to come downstairs, 213 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,218 and all of this is going to be cleaned up. 214 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,588 Mom, I can't. I have soccer, remember? 215 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,757 Are you taking me to soccer? 216 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,392 I'll take her. 217 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,198 Hello. 218 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,767 Hi, mom. 219 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,602 Hello, darling. 220 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,370 Uh, tell me about your muscles 221 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,772 and the water thing. 222 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:36,241 You can do it now if you want. 223 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:40,779 Oh. Well, you know Marshall Sanders. 224 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:41,713 Uh, well, he's 225 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,348 the watch commander, 226 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,685 and his wife died last year, 227 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,787 and I don't know whether I'm making it up, 228 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,122 but I think he's got his eye on me 229 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,792 because do you remember how he looked at me in the grocery store? 230 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,594 And then I thought to myself, 231 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:58,697 god, "watch commander"... Aptly named. 232 00:09:58,699 --> 00:09:59,731 But I might be wrong. Anyway, 233 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,032 but the thing is, 234 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,767 I was very, very pleased 235 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,869 that he chose me to be in charge of water 236 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,038 because I thought it was quite a responsible position, 237 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,574 don't you think? It is, isn't it? 238 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:12,811 And so I've got to be very on the ball 239 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,412 in case there's an earthquake. 240 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,780 Um, and then he'll be pleased with me, 241 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:16,948 don't you think? 242 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,818 Anyway, 243 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,654 so the doctor says I'm losing muscle mass, 244 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,456 - but he's a liar. - Uh-huh. 245 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,658 And he can't tell me what's happening to my body 246 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,393 because I know. 247 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:32,163 So I'm trying to decide if I should sue him. 248 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,265 What do you think? 249 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,900 And then he'd stop. 250 00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:37,435 Singer: there is a house 251 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:44,509 in New Orleans 252 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,911 Phil. 253 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,313 Yes, darling? 254 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,115 Do you have any vodka? 255 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:52,317 I always have vodka. 256 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,526 Sam: What was the name of the man 257 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,762 that you were dating when you met my dad? 258 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:04,663 [Sigh] 259 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,665 [Laugh] 260 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,299 Audrey. 261 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:09,634 That's right. 262 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,803 That's amazing. Audrey. 263 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:12,871 Hmm. 264 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,473 He swept me off my feet. 265 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,642 Then why didn't you marry him? 266 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,944 Oh, no, no. You don't marry the man 267 00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:21,846 who sweeps you off your feet. 268 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,848 You marry the man who pulls you back down 269 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,050 and grounds you, 270 00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,718 takes care of you. 271 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,320 My dad. 272 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,222 No. 273 00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,159 What do you mean? 274 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:39,030 I met Audrey in 1960, 275 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,734 and I fell in love immediately. 276 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:46,971 And he took me to New Zealand to live by a vineyard 277 00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:52,477 while he picked grapes for about five cents a pound. 278 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,979 And then I met Joseph, 279 00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,082 and he was an American businessman. 280 00:11:57,084 --> 00:12:00,085 He was very small and serious. 281 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:01,720 And he saw me in the village, 282 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:05,890 and he said, "I'm gonna marry you," 283 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,760 and told me how much he made 284 00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:11,496 and he could provide for me, 285 00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:14,699 and so I grew up, 286 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:17,202 and I said yes to Joseph. 287 00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,404 What the hell? 288 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,741 What the hell, mom. I don't know this story. 289 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,342 - [Chuckles] - What happened to Joseph? 290 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,345 Well, we were getting ready 291 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,514 to go back to the states to get married, 292 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:32,183 and I said good-bye to Audrey. 293 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:36,721 But then Joseph died. 294 00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,957 [Laughing] 295 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:41,893 Jesus. He died? 296 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,928 He drowned. 297 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:47,599 He got drunk and fell in a puddle. 298 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,868 Well, it was raining. 299 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,971 And so then i went back to Audrey. 300 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:56,641 And then two years later, i met your father. 301 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,009 [Chuckles] 302 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:04,816 So why did you marry my dad? 303 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,252 [Sighs] 304 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,987 I don't know. [Sighs] 305 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,955 Why'd you marry him? 306 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,457 [Trailing] I don't know... 307 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,892 Why'd you marry my dad? 308 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:19,631 [Exhales, mutters] 309 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,902 - [Door closes] - [Footsteps approaching] 310 00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:29,808 [Moaning] 311 00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,142 [Footsteps departing] 312 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:34,746 [Sighs] 313 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:40,819 [Sighs] 314 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,921 [Moans] 315 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:58,303 So are you ever gonna say something? 316 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,939 About what? 317 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,340 Oh, my god. Nothing. 318 00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:06,377 Are you ever gonna say something? 319 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,812 About what? 320 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,181 Oh! About my dad leaving. 321 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,884 What? 322 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,552 Yeah, I didn't think so. 323 00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,457 Max, you had a party. 324 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,327 No, it wasn't a party. And anyway, you left. 325 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:27,065 - I had to work. - God, you don't have to work, mom. 326 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:31,736 What? How do you think we ever have anything? 327 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:35,473 You work because you want to be famous. 328 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,243 Dad told me. You have tons of money in savings, 329 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:41,746 and he is living like shit. 330 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,215 This is so unfair that i think I'm gonna pass out. 331 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,918 Oh, my god. Yeah, mom, you're the victim. 332 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,219 Everything is unfair. 333 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,728 Max, I try like hell 334 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,730 to be fair to your father 335 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,331 and not put you in the middle. 336 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:03,568 I'm human, but I do try that. 337 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,370 But you're 16 now, 338 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:08,873 and that's old enough to know how unfair it is 339 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,175 what you just said to me. 340 00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:13,945 You know, it really disgusts me 341 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,180 how you will sometimes say anything 342 00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:19,684 to avoid responsibility for your mistakes. 343 00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,753 You had a party, 344 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:25,089 and you wrecked the house. 345 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,125 You're not the first kid to do that. 346 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,360 It's not the end of the world. 347 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,931 Then why are you acting like it is? 348 00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:35,400 Because you make me get this mad 349 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:39,604 before you even look up from your phone! 350 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,106 And you act like your shit don't stink 351 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,708 and you shouldn't answer for anything. 352 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:44,909 But you know what, baby? 353 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,978 Your shit does stink. 354 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,148 And your father lives better than I do! 355 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,216 And I pay for all of it! 356 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,854 [Groans] 357 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,959 [Phone buzzing] 358 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:04,629 Answer your phone. 359 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,134 Hello? 360 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,437 If you can meet me somewhere tomorrow at ten in the morning, 361 00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:15,006 then we can do it maybe even twice. 362 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,074 I have a meeting at noon. 363 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,011 Yes, I will be there then. 364 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,047 Bye. 365 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,418 [Exhales] 366 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:33,758 Frankie: 20 years since they were kids, 367 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,093 they never left, they let... It's like this amazing story. 368 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,995 So I asked if I could do my project, 369 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,263 like, I have three of my friends stay in my basement for, like, a month. 370 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:42,033 And then we all write about it afterwards to see what it felt like. 371 00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:44,769 And it was like... Mom, are you listening? 372 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:48,806 - Yes. What? Tell me. - Ugh! Mom, listen. 373 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,175 - Okay, go. - I'm telling you about this because it's important! 374 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,044 Frankie, don't speak to your mother like that! 375 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:55,279 Ugh! Anyway, my teacher was like, "no, you can't do that." 376 00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,881 But I was like, "oh, this is just so... 377 00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:59,050 - mommy, I don't get what this is. - Oh, my god! 378 00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,551 - Frankie! - Hey! 379 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,153 Stop. Save it for later. 380 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:05,189 [Growls] Oh, I want to kill everybody. 381 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,059 - Calm down. - Mommy, what is this ever gonna do? 382 00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,495 It's this women and girls empowerment thing, and it's annoying. 383 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:13,197 Women and girls empowerment is annoying? 384 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,866 It is the way my school does it. 385 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:17,068 The people get up there and they talk and they ruin it. 386 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:19,637 Oh, well, I'll try not to ruin it. 387 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,639 Now, come on, we're here for your mother. 388 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,241 - No, we're not. - Yes, we are. 389 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,143 Hey, Patty. 390 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,812 [Gasps] Sam, thank god you're here. 391 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,313 Hi, miss donner. Donner, donner... 392 00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,149 Did you think i wasn't gonna come? 393 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,217 Well, two of my speakers flaked on me. 394 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,253 - Oh, my god. - I'm gonna start. 395 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:38,222 - Okay, so who's on first? - It's just you. 396 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:41,025 - Oh, shit. - Darling! 397 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,827 Okay? I'm starting. 398 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,163 - Donner, donner, donner, donner. - God! 399 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,433 I am so happy you all could come 400 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:53,071 to our women and girls empowerment seminar. 401 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,440 We have one guest speaker. 402 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:58,109 And tonight she's gonna speak about being a mom 403 00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:01,913 - and having a career. - Nobody cares. 404 00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:06,517 Please welcome our very own Sam fox. 405 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,020 - Oof. - [Applause] 406 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,092 Yeah, mom! Go, mom! 407 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:25,436 [Clears throat] Thank you, Patty. 408 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,306 Um, well... [Clears throat] 409 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:32,143 I work and I am a mom. 410 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:35,446 And some of you might later in life 411 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:40,551 find yourselves in the same situation, I hope. 412 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:46,390 Because you girls can be anything you want. 413 00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:48,226 You know, when I was a girl, 414 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,761 no one ever really said that women had jobs, 415 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,965 except marlo Thomas and Mary Tyler Moore. 416 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:57,768 - [Man laughs] - Thank you, Henry. 417 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,939 But, uh... 418 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,674 We can do it all! 419 00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:06,744 And we have to do it all, because in the end, 420 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:11,415 the mom, the women, are the ones left watching. 421 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,158 Okay, this is... 422 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,296 Let me ask you all a question. 423 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:29,333 How many girls out there get your period? 424 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,336 Yeah, you heard me. 425 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:37,542 If anybody here has got their period yet, put your hand up. 426 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,210 Put your hand up. It's okay. 427 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,012 It's okay. 428 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,980 Who's cotton-holing? 429 00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,282 I know, gross. 430 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,817 But we're all girls and women here. 431 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,219 It's just us. 432 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:52,223 So come on, Frankie, help me out. 433 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:55,059 - Mom! - Come on, raise your hand. 434 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,994 Listen, Frankie and i went through it last week. 435 00:19:56,996 --> 00:20:00,965 She was stealing her sister's tampons for half a year before she told me. 436 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,833 - Mom! - Frankie. 437 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,235 Be a leader. Get your hand up. 438 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:06,537 - Mom! - Help 'em out. 439 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,874 Good girl! There! 440 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,877 Anybody else? Who else here? Who's bleeding? 441 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,581 There you go! Good! So brave! 442 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,683 Come on, moms, let's hear it for them. 443 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:23,654 All right, who here has not gotten their period yet? 444 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,389 Wow! Okay! 445 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:28,593 Well, you girls are in for it. You really are. 446 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,895 But we all got your backs, right? 447 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:34,432 Who here is having their period right now? 448 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:36,901 I know I am! Can you tell? 449 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,502 All right! Thank you! 450 00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:41,072 Mrs. donner! Yeah! 451 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:44,375 Moms? Thank you! Hands, hands. 452 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:47,111 Sisters all! 453 00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:53,017 Who here has stopped getting their period altogether? 454 00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:55,920 Aunt flo has left the station forever. 455 00:20:57,257 --> 00:21:00,191 Mom. Mom. 456 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,029 Thank you! 457 00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:07,798 Thank you for that! Thank you! 458 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:14,238 Look, we're all girls, and we're all women. 459 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,275 And we all bleed, and we all suffer. 460 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:21,078 And then the bleeding stops, and we still suffer. 461 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,613 But you're gonna find your own path, 462 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:25,916 because we're tough, and we can take it. 463 00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:28,286 And as long as you believe in yourself, 464 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:31,055 and you take care of each other 465 00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:32,556 and watch out for each other, 466 00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:35,092 you just make the rest up as you go along. 467 00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:36,827 That's all there is to it. 468 00:21:36,829 --> 00:21:39,463 That's it! Thank you! 469 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,899 Thank you! Thank you, Detroit! 470 00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:43,901 [Cheering and applause] 471 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:53,311 Good job, mom. Also, I hate you. 472 00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,346 I know. It's okay. 473 00:22:10,596 --> 00:22:12,830 - Okay. - Yeah. 474 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,366 Do you have a condom? 475 00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:20,338 - No. - You need to use a condom. 476 00:22:24,444 --> 00:22:26,510 You never asked me before. 477 00:22:26,512 --> 00:22:28,045 I know. 478 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,182 Shit. 479 00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:34,785 Wait, wait. I'll be right back. 480 00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:36,354 Stay. 481 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,452 [Record needle skipping] 482 00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:57,968 (Toilet flushing) 483 00:23:57,970 --> 00:23:59,703 (Floor creaks) 484 00:23:59,705 --> 00:24:03,474 (Footsteps on stairs) 485 00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:06,277 (Knocking) Teenage girl: Mom! 486 00:24:08,114 --> 00:24:09,980 (Knocking continues) Announcer: Better things. 487 00:24:09,982 --> 00:24:12,383 All new Thursdays at 10:00 on fx. Mom! 488 00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:22,193 (R & b instrumental) 489 00:24:44,584 --> 00:24:47,418 (Snoring) 490 00:24:49,589 --> 00:24:51,255 (Dog barks) 491 00:24:56,028 --> 00:24:57,995 (Birds chirping) 492 00:25:02,301 --> 00:25:05,169 (Growling, faint) 493 00:25:06,138 --> 00:25:07,838 (Sirens wailing in distance) 494 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,840 (Growling) 495 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,442 (Snarls) 496 00:25:11,444 --> 00:25:15,513 Announcer: The strain, all new Sundays at 10:00 on fx. 31607

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