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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:05,671 >> Hey, Murph. You know what time it is? It's time to get busy. 2 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:10,175 >> ♪ Ooh ♪ 3 00:00:11,244 --> 00:00:15,347 ♪ Sexual ♪ ♪ Sexual ♪ ♪ Tonight it's all about ♪ 4 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,683 ♪ Sexual ♪ ♪ Tonight it's all about ♪ ♪ You baby ♪ 5 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,218 ♪ Tonight it's all about ♪ ♪ You baby ♪ ♪ You don't have to wait ♪ 6 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,319 ♪ You baby ♪ ♪ You don't have to wait ♪ ♪ No more ♪ 7 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,421 ♪ You don't have to wait ♪ ♪ No more ♪ ♪ I don't want to wait no more ♪ 8 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,523 ♪ No more ♪ ♪ I don't want to wait no more ♪ ♪ Yeah let's make it ♪ 9 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:28,460 ♪ I don't want to wait no more ♪ ♪ Yeah let's make it ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ 10 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:29,128 ♪ Yeah let's make it ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ >> I feel like the cat 11 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,696 ♪ Ooh ♪ >> I feel like the cat is watching us. 12 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,865 >> I feel like the cat is watching us. >> We don't have a cat. 13 00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:33,532 is watching us. >> We don't have a cat. (cat meows) 14 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,500 >> We don't have a cat. (cat meows) >> Ahh! 15 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,567 (cat meows) >> Ahh! >> Hi there! 16 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,169 >> Ahh! >> Hi there! >> No, bad Adam! 17 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,405 >> Hi there! >> No, bad Adam! (Adam hissing) 18 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,607 >> No, bad Adam! (Adam hissing) >> Oh, I see you're circumcised. 19 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:42,674 (Adam hissing) >> Oh, I see you're circumcised. But you're not Jewish or Muslim, 20 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,342 >> Oh, I see you're circumcised. But you're not Jewish or Muslim, are you? 21 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,910 But you're not Jewish or Muslim, are you? >> No, I'm Catholic. 22 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:45,577 are you? >> No, I'm Catholic. What? 23 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,612 >> No, I'm Catholic. What? >> Then it's pretty weird you're 24 00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:47,679 What? >> Then it's pretty weird you're circumcised, isn't it? 25 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:48,847 >> Then it's pretty weird you're circumcised, isn't it? >> No, it isn't. 26 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:49,615 circumcised, isn't it? >> No, it isn't. It's normal. 27 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,583 >> No, it isn't. It's normal. >> Actually, it's not. 28 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,018 It's normal. >> Actually, it's not. Hi, I'm Adam Conover. 29 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:53,685 >> Actually, it's not. Hi, I'm Adam Conover. >> And this is 30 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,154 Hi, I'm Adam Conover. >> And this is "Adam Ruins Everything." 31 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:56,622 >> And this is "Adam Ruins Everything." >> Just get it over with. 32 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,724 Closed Captions Provided by truTV 33 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:10,235 >> America is one of the only countries in the world that practices routine non-religious 34 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,737 countries in the world that practices routine non-religious circumcision, yet most of us 35 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,172 practices routine non-religious circumcision, yet most of us don't even know why we do it. 36 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,339 circumcision, yet most of us don't even know why we do it. Haven't you ever wondered why 37 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:15,607 don't even know why we do it. Haven't you ever wondered why your turtle has no shell? 38 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:16,642 Haven't you ever wondered why your turtle has no shell? >> No. 39 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:17,576 your turtle has no shell? >> No. >> Oh, just let him. 40 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,644 >> No. >> Oh, just let him. It'll only take 21 minutes 41 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:19,945 >> Oh, just let him. It'll only take 21 minutes plus commercials. 42 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,484 >> Here you go. 43 00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:27,886 Promotes the show. 44 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:33,859 To learn more, let's go back in time to the day you were circumcised. 45 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,160 time to the day you were circumcised. >> God, no. 46 00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:35,861 you were circumcised. >> God, no. >> By the time your tip 47 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:36,762 >> God, no. >> By the time your tip got snipped, 48 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:37,563 >> By the time your tip got snipped, circumcision had been 49 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,565 got snipped, circumcision had been a tradition for generations. 50 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,799 circumcision had been a tradition for generations. >> Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, 51 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,467 a tradition for generations. >> Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, would you like me to 52 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,168 >> Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, would you like me to circumcise Brian? 53 00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:44,570 would you like me to circumcise Brian? >> Um, yeah, I guess. 54 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:45,437 circumcise Brian? >> Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, his should look like 55 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,506 >> Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, his should look like mine, right? 56 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:48,173 I mean, his should look like mine, right? Ooh! 57 00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:48,841 mine, right? Ooh! (baby crying) 58 00:01:48,843 --> 00:01:49,508 Ooh! (baby crying) >> But the source of that 59 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,076 (baby crying) >> But the source of that tradition is real weird. 60 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,712 >> His should look like mine, right? 61 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:54,480 mine, right? >> His should look like 62 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:55,881 >> His should look like mine, right? 63 00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:57,916 mine, right? >> Yep, better cut him. 64 00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:58,684 >> Yep, better cut him. Reckon it'll stop him 65 00:01:58,686 --> 00:01:59,384 Reckon it'll stop him from masturbating. 66 00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:00,219 from masturbating. >> What? 67 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,155 >> Yep. Though religious circumcision has been practiced in the Middle 68 00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:04,723 Though religious circumcision has been practiced in the Middle East for millennia, no one did 69 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:05,524 has been practiced in the Middle East for millennia, no one did it in the U.S. 70 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,192 East for millennia, no one did it in the U.S. until the puritanical 19th 71 00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,094 it in the U.S. until the puritanical 19th century, when sexphobic doctors 72 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,329 until the puritanical 19th century, when sexphobic doctors promoted it as a way of 73 00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:11,263 century, when sexphobic doctors promoted it as a way of preventing your kids from 74 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,132 promoted it as a way of preventing your kids from committing their favorite sin. 75 00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:14,032 preventing your kids from committing their favorite sin. >> Observe. 76 00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,034 committing their favorite sin. >> Observe. The vile masturbator. 77 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:17,402 >> Observe. The vile masturbator. The sallow complexion. 78 00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:18,704 The vile masturbator. The sallow complexion. The rotten teeth. 79 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,339 The sallow complexion. The rotten teeth. The open sores. 80 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,073 The rotten teeth. The open sores. >> Actually, I think 81 00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:21,974 The open sores. >> Actually, I think I have syphilis. 82 00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:23,342 >> Actually, I think I have syphilis. >> Official diagnosis: 83 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,910 I have syphilis. >> Official diagnosis: masturbation! 84 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,044 >> Official diagnosis: masturbation! >> One prominent advocate of 85 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,613 masturbation! >> One prominent advocate of dingle-docking was, and I'm not 86 00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:28,747 >> One prominent advocate of dingle-docking was, and I'm not making this up, 87 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,349 dingle-docking was, and I'm not making this up, John Harvey Kellogg, 88 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,251 making this up, John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes. 89 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,919 John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes. >> My cure is twofold. 90 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,587 the inventor of Corn Flakes. >> My cure is twofold. A diet rich in flaked corn. 91 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,289 >> My cure is twofold. A diet rich in flaked corn. >> Ooh! 92 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,257 A diet rich in flaked corn. >> Ooh! >> And cutting off part 93 00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,158 >> Ooh! >> And cutting off part of the penis. 94 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,459 >> And cutting off part of the penis. >> Ahh! 95 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,227 of the penis. >> Ahh! >> Victorian prudes like Kellogg 96 00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:43,962 >> Ahh! >> Victorian prudes like Kellogg just straight up hated sex 97 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,130 >> Victorian prudes like Kellogg just straight up hated sex and thought that by pruning your 98 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,498 just straight up hated sex and thought that by pruning your peter, they could contain your 99 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,001 and thought that by pruning your peter, they could contain your base and lustful instincts, 100 00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,169 peter, they could contain your base and lustful instincts, and you don't even want to know 101 00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:50,836 base and lustful instincts, and you don't even want to know what he thought 102 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,037 and you don't even want to know what he thought you should do to women. 103 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,438 what he thought you should do to women. >> Just apply a little carbolic 104 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,274 you should do to women. >> Just apply a little carbolic acid to the clitoris. 105 00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:56,175 >> Just apply a little carbolic acid to the clitoris. >> Yikes. 106 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:56,842 acid to the clitoris. >> Yikes. Good thing that one didn't 107 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:57,743 >> Yikes. Good thing that one didn't catch on. 108 00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:59,011 Good thing that one didn't catch on. >> That's crazy. 109 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,179 catch on. >> That's crazy. Being circumcised doesn't stop 110 00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,580 >> That's crazy. Being circumcised doesn't stop me from masturbating. 111 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,514 Being circumcised doesn't stop me from masturbating. >> Yeah, I know. 112 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,448 me from masturbating. >> Yeah, I know. That's why it's so weird that 113 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,650 >> Yeah, I know. That's why it's so weird that we still do it. 114 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:05,751 That's why it's so weird that we still do it. >> But isn't it, like, cleaner, 115 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:06,652 we still do it. >> But isn't it, like, cleaner, or something? 116 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:07,352 >> But isn't it, like, cleaner, or something? >> Nope. 117 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,053 or something? >> Nope. That's just another old 118 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,254 >> Nope. That's just another old Victorian myth. 119 00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,422 That's just another old Victorian myth. These guys had a lot of weird 120 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,090 Victorian myth. These guys had a lot of weird ideas about circumcision. 121 00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,725 These guys had a lot of weird ideas about circumcision. >> Circumcision is cleaner. 122 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:14,826 ideas about circumcision. >> Circumcision is cleaner. Foreskin is for 123 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,161 >> Circumcision is cleaner. Foreskin is for filthy immigrants. 124 00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:17,296 Foreskin is for filthy immigrants. >> And it cures convulsions. 125 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,330 filthy immigrants. >> And it cures convulsions. >> And tuberculosis. 126 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:18,997 >> And it cures convulsions. >> And tuberculosis. >> Plus, it's a fun 127 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:22,201 >> And tuberculosis. >> Plus, it's a fun craft project for doctors. 128 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,569 >> Plus, it's a fun craft project for doctors. >> Now, circumcision can help 129 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,170 craft project for doctors. >> Now, circumcision can help prevent a few rare infections, 130 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,572 >> Now, circumcision can help prevent a few rare infections, but so does, you know, 131 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,040 prevent a few rare infections, but so does, you know, washing your dingus. 132 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,107 but so does, you know, washing your dingus. Why would you have to cut off 133 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:30,275 washing your dingus. Why would you have to cut off part of your body to keep 134 00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:31,310 Why would you have to cut off part of your body to keep it clean? 135 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,010 part of your body to keep it clean? You don't have to cut off your 136 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:32,811 it clean? You don't have to cut off your butt cheeks to keep your 137 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:33,712 You don't have to cut off your butt cheeks to keep your butt clean. 138 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,546 butt cheeks to keep your butt clean. >> Ahh. 139 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,915 butt clean. >> Ahh. There's a fine idea. 140 00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:38,817 >> Ahh. There's a fine idea. >> Ahh! 141 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:39,585 There's a fine idea. >> Ahh! >> Ugh. 142 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,385 >> Ahh! >> Ugh. Let's get out of here. 143 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,054 >> Ugh. Let's get out of here. Taxi! 144 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,121 Let's get out of here. Taxi! >> Okay, but the foreskin 145 00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,256 Taxi! >> Okay, but the foreskin is useless, right? 146 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,257 >> Okay, but the foreskin is useless, right? >> Actually, pal, the foreskin 147 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,325 is useless, right? >> Actually, pal, the foreskin plays a very important role 148 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:47,459 >> Actually, pal, the foreskin plays a very important role in sex. 149 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,794 plays a very important role in sex. It's filled with nerve endings. 150 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:49,962 in sex. It's filled with nerve endings. It protects the glans so it 151 00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:51,663 It's filled with nerve endings. It protects the glans so it doesn't become desensitized, 152 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,365 It protects the glans so it doesn't become desensitized, and it's a natural lubricant. 153 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,967 doesn't become desensitized, and it's a natural lubricant. >> Natural lubricant? 154 00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:55,968 and it's a natural lubricant. >> Natural lubricant? >> Like a hot dog in 155 00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:57,002 >> Natural lubricant? >> Like a hot dog in a buttered bun. 156 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:57,669 >> Like a hot dog in a buttered bun. >> Yeah, like this, see? 157 00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,570 a buttered bun. >> Yeah, like this, see? Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee. 158 00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,638 >> Yeah, like this, see? Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee. >> Give me my hot dog. 159 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,706 Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee. >> Give me my hot dog. >> Weird metaphor. 160 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:01,840 >> Give me my hot dog. >> Weird metaphor. >> Now, circumcision has been 161 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,208 >> Weird metaphor. >> Now, circumcision has been found to reduce the rate of HIV 162 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:06,044 >> Now, circumcision has been found to reduce the rate of HIV acquisition in men by up to 60%, 163 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,447 found to reduce the rate of HIV acquisition in men by up to 60%, but condoms reduce it by 80%, 164 00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:09,348 acquisition in men by up to 60%, but condoms reduce it by 80%, and they don't require you to, 165 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,084 but condoms reduce it by 80%, and they don't require you to, you know, cut your dong off. 166 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:14,720 and they don't require you to, you know, cut your dong off. >> Oh, hey, it's your place. 167 00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,188 you know, cut your dong off. >> Oh, hey, it's your place. >> Okay, but girls think uncut 168 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:17,389 >> Oh, hey, it's your place. >> Okay, but girls think uncut dongs look weird. 169 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,290 >> Okay, but girls think uncut dongs look weird. >> Interesting theory. 170 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,259 dongs look weird. >> Interesting theory. Let's test it. 171 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,160 >> Interesting theory. Let's test it. Excuse me, Miss? 172 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,595 Let's test it. Excuse me, Miss? Does this dong look weird. 173 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,630 Excuse me, Miss? Does this dong look weird. >> Yep. 174 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:25,664 Does this dong look weird. >> Yep. >> And does this dong 175 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:26,565 >> Yep. >> And does this dong look weird? 176 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:27,299 >> And does this dong look weird? >> Yep. 177 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:27,966 look weird? >> Yep. >> All right. 178 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,368 >> Yep. >> All right. And does this dong look weird? 179 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,335 >> All right. And does this dong look weird? >> Dude! 180 00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:31,103 And does this dong look weird? >> Dude! >> Yep. 181 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,271 >> Dude! >> Yep. All dongs look weird. 182 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:33,005 >> Yep. All dongs look weird. >> Oh. Hayley! 183 00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:33,672 All dongs look weird. >> Oh. Hayley! Hi! 184 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:34,339 >> Oh. Hayley! Hi! >> Hey, guys. 185 00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:35,073 Hi! >> Hey, guys. >> Oh, hold on one second, 186 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,675 >> Hey, guys. >> Oh, hold on one second, I'll be right down! 187 00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:42,547 >> Hey, Adam. Ruining something? >> Yep, just telling Murph 188 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:43,649 Ruining something? >> Yep, just telling Murph about circumcision, 189 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,050 >> Yep, just telling Murph about circumcision, the old "circumsizz." 190 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,418 about circumcision, the old "circumsizz." See, back in the Victorian era-- 191 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,519 the old "circumsizz." See, back in the Victorian era-- >> Another time. 192 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,420 See, back in the Victorian era-- >> Another time. I'm running late for this boozy 193 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:49,755 >> Another time. I'm running late for this boozy painting class. 194 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:50,856 I'm running late for this boozy painting class. It's dumb. 195 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:51,857 painting class. It's dumb. Something us affluent 196 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,191 It's dumb. Something us affluent millenials do. 197 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,526 Something us affluent millenials do. >> With that guy Matt? 198 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,427 millenials do. >> With that guy Matt? >> Matt? 199 00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:56,662 >> With that guy Matt? >> Matt? No, we broke up. 200 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,664 >> Matt? No, we broke up. He was kinda dumb. 201 00:04:58,666 --> 00:04:59,364 No, we broke up. He was kinda dumb. Just ran out of stuff to 202 00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:00,399 He was kinda dumb. Just ran out of stuff to talk about. 203 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:01,466 Just ran out of stuff to talk about. >> Really? 204 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,468 talk about. >> Really? That's too bad. 205 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,271 >> Really? That's too bad. >> Did you want to come? 206 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,307 That's too bad. >> Did you want to come? >> Of course. 207 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,475 >> Did you want to come? >> Of course. But... (sighing) 208 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,610 >> Of course. But... (sighing) I have more awesome sex facts 209 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:12,778 But... (sighing) I have more awesome sex facts to tell. 210 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,079 I have more awesome sex facts to tell. (groaning) 211 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,947 to tell. (groaning) Can I take a rain check? 212 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,716 (groaning) Can I take a rain check? >> We'll see. 213 00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:22,654 (car door opening, closing) 214 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:27,459 >> Hey. Can we wrap it up? >> Sure. 215 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,160 Can we wrap it up? >> Sure. Now, look. 216 00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,328 >> Sure. Now, look. If you like being circumcised, 217 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:30,295 Now, look. If you like being circumcised, or you did it for religious 218 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,430 If you like being circumcised, or you did it for religious reasons, fine. 219 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:32,564 or you did it for religious reasons, fine. There's no harm in it. 220 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,665 reasons, fine. There's no harm in it. But as far as I can tell, 221 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:36,335 there's also no particularly compelling reason to do it, 222 00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:37,135 compelling reason to do it, and the only reason you are 223 00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,537 and the only reason you are circumcised is because a bunch 224 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,038 circumcised is because a bunch of 19th century prudes were 225 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,040 of 19th century prudes were trying to ruin your sex life. 226 00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:46,378 Have fun. >> You're back early. Want to pick up where we 227 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,746 >> You're back early. Want to pick up where we left off? 228 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,413 Want to pick up where we left off? >> Not really in 229 00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:49,915 left off? >> Not really in the mood anymore. 230 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,850 >> Not really in the mood anymore. >> Understandable. 231 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,218 the mood anymore. >> Understandable. >> I'm just gonna go over 232 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,353 >> Understandable. >> I'm just gonna go over the lesson plan for health 233 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,754 >> I'm just gonna go over the lesson plan for health class tomorrow. 234 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:56,788 the lesson plan for health class tomorrow. It's a big one. 235 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:57,622 class tomorrow. It's a big one. We're going over the dangers 236 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:59,391 It's a big one. We're going over the dangers of herpes. 237 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,559 We're going over the dangers of herpes. Where did I leave that? 238 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,393 of herpes. Where did I leave that? >> Oh, wow. 239 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,494 Where did I leave that? >> Oh, wow. Everything you know about 240 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,895 >> Oh, wow. Everything you know about herpes is wrong. 241 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:04,563 Everything you know about herpes is wrong. We're gonna have to talk 242 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,630 herpes is wrong. We're gonna have to talk about this. 243 00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:06,498 We're gonna have to talk about this. Nope. 244 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,532 about this. Nope. Nope. 245 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:08,667 Nope. Nope. Oh, this one's really bad. 246 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:09,534 Nope. Oh, this one's really bad. Uh-uh. 247 00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:14,473 All right, health class. What's in the lesson plan tomorrow, teach? 248 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,140 What's in the lesson plan tomorrow, teach? >> I'm teaching them 249 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:15,807 tomorrow, teach? >> I'm teaching them about herpes. 250 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,575 >> I'm teaching them about herpes. >> Oh. 251 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:17,542 about herpes. >> Oh. About how herpes isn't a big 252 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,243 >> Oh. About how herpes isn't a big deal and people don't really 253 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,077 About how herpes isn't a big deal and people don't really need to worry about it? 254 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:19,945 deal and people don't really need to worry about it? >> What? 255 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,446 need to worry about it? >> What? No, about how herpes is super 256 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,881 >> What? No, about how herpes is super serious and very dangerous. 257 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,383 No, about how herpes is super serious and very dangerous. >> Uh, herpes isn't dangerous. 258 00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:25,250 serious and very dangerous. >> Uh, herpes isn't dangerous. Most of the time, it's not 259 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,318 >> Uh, herpes isn't dangerous. Most of the time, it's not even noticeable. 260 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,690 >> Oh, no, you don't, buddy. 'Cause I actually know what I'm talking about this time. 261 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,258 'Cause I actually know what I'm talking about this time. I even made a video about it to 262 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,326 I'm talking about this time. I even made a video about it to teach my students. 263 00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:35,360 I even made a video about it to teach my students. >> Oh, cool, let's watch it. 264 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:36,628 teach my students. >> Oh, cool, let's watch it. >> Yeah, let's! 265 00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:37,462 >> Oh, cool, let's watch it. >> Yeah, let's! I know this is a trap, 266 00:06:37,464 --> 00:06:38,764 >> Yeah, let's! I know this is a trap, but I'm very confident. 267 00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,769 Hey, kids. DJ Murph here. 268 00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:48,173 I'm gonna use this to apply to film school. >> You totally should. 269 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,141 to film school. >> You totally should. >> And I'm here to talk to you 270 00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:50,509 >> You totally should. >> And I'm here to talk to you about herpes! 271 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,077 >> And I'm here to talk to you about herpes! (distorted) It is a serious 272 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:55,180 about herpes! (distorted) It is a serious sexually transmitted disease. 273 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,181 (distorted) It is a serious sexually transmitted disease. >> Wow. 274 00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:58,216 sexually transmitted disease. >> Wow. Herpes, that sounds scary. 275 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,151 >> Wow. Herpes, that sounds scary. I'm a teen. 276 00:06:59,153 --> 00:06:59,851 Herpes, that sounds scary. I'm a teen. >> Disease. 277 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,986 I'm a teen. >> Disease. It is. 278 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,754 >> Disease. It is. Just ask Herpy, the terrifying 279 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,456 It is. Just ask Herpy, the terrifying genital herpes virus. 280 00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:07,125 >> Four out of five people who carry me don't know 281 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,193 who carry me don't know they have it. 282 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,162 they have it. I cause an eruption of red sores 283 00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:11,763 I cause an eruption of red sores around your genitals 284 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,432 around your genitals and I'm incurable. 285 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:16,735 (laughing) >> Great special effects. >> George Lucas is a big 286 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,069 >> Great special effects. >> George Lucas is a big influence on my work. 287 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,571 >> George Lucas is a big influence on my work. >> Wow, it sounds like herpes 288 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,405 influence on my work. >> Wow, it sounds like herpes is terrible. 289 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,807 >> Wow, it sounds like herpes is terrible. Me and my bae better not be 290 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,142 is terrible. Me and my bae better not be having sexual intercourse. 291 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,343 Me and my bae better not be having sexual intercourse. >> I wouldn't say that. 292 00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:27,112 having sexual intercourse. >> I wouldn't say that. But I would rap it. 293 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,383 ♪ ♪ Herpes ♪ ♪ No ♪ 294 00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:32,317 ♪ Herpes ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Don't ♪ 295 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:33,218 ♪ No ♪ ♪ Don't ♪ ♪ Stop stop ♪ 296 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,019 ♪ Don't ♪ ♪ Stop stop ♪ ♪ No ♪ 297 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:35,487 ♪ Stop stop ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Don't ♪ 298 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,289 ♪ No ♪ ♪ Don't ♪ ♪ Herpes is for derpies ♪ 299 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,423 ♪ Don't ♪ ♪ Herpes is for derpies ♪ ♪ Herpes, yo ♪ 300 00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:39,691 ♪ Herpes is for derpies ♪ ♪ Herpes, yo ♪ ♪ It ain't chill ♪ 301 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:40,992 ♪ Herpes, yo ♪ ♪ It ain't chill ♪ ♪ You can't cure it ♪ 302 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,227 ♪ It ain't chill ♪ ♪ You can't cure it ♪ ♪ With a pill ♪ 303 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,696 ♪ You can't cure it ♪ ♪ With a pill ♪ ♪ One in six Americans ♪ 304 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,399 ♪ With a pill ♪ ♪ One in six Americans ♪ ♪ Carry herpes in their pants ♪ 305 00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:48,433 ♪ One in six Americans ♪ ♪ Carry herpes in their pants ♪ >> These scare tactics are full 306 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:49,201 ♪ Carry herpes in their pants ♪ >> These scare tactics are full of crap. 307 00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,335 >> These scare tactics are full of crap. >> Ahh! 308 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:51,670 of crap. >> Ahh! >> This is getting good. 309 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,471 >> Ahh! >> This is getting good. >> It's time for you two 310 00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:53,772 >> This is getting good. >> It's time for you two to learn what herpes is 311 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:54,873 >> It's time for you two to learn what herpes is really like. 312 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,641 to learn what herpes is really like. Ready to show 'em, Herpy? 313 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:57,943 really like. Ready to show 'em, Herpy? >> I'm really not so bad, 314 00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,010 Ready to show 'em, Herpy? >> I'm really not so bad, buddies. 315 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,612 >> I'm really not so bad, buddies. Whee! 316 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:01,279 buddies. Whee! >> Did you just give us 317 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,481 Whee! >> Did you just give us herpes for real? 318 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:03,181 >> Did you just give us herpes for real? >> Yep. 319 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,149 herpes for real? >> Yep. You're welcome. 320 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,584 >> Yep. You're welcome. >> What the actual hell? 321 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:06,251 You're welcome. >> What the actual hell? You just gave us 322 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:07,552 >> What the actual hell? You just gave us a serious disease. 323 00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:08,353 You just gave us a serious disease. >> No, I didn't. 324 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,855 a serious disease. >> No, I didn't. I gave you herpes. 325 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,756 >> No, I didn't. I gave you herpes. Let's break it down. 326 00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:18,864 ♪ Uhh! Okay, starting from the top. 327 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,298 Uhh! Okay, starting from the top. Eruptions of sores? 328 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,633 Okay, starting from the top. Eruptions of sores? That's scare mongering. 329 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,834 Eruptions of sores? That's scare mongering. Let's call them what they are. 330 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,202 That's scare mongering. Let's call them what they are. Little red bumps. 331 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,370 Let's call them what they are. Little red bumps. >> Sounds gross. 332 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,938 Little red bumps. >> Sounds gross. >> Yeah, except, you're already 333 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,440 >> Sounds gross. >> Yeah, except, you're already covered with little red bumps. 334 00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:29,207 >> Yeah, except, you're already covered with little red bumps. Mosquito bites, 335 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,642 covered with little red bumps. Mosquito bites, ingrown hairs, pimples. 336 00:08:30,776 --> 00:08:33,111 To be human is to be covered in little red bumps, yo. 337 00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:38,183 >> It's true, I do have bacne. >> Yo, you got Conover'd! Secondly, the reason four out of 338 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,384 >> Yo, you got Conover'd! Secondly, the reason four out of five carriers don't know they 339 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,952 Secondly, the reason four out of five carriers don't know they have it is because they either 340 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,654 five carriers don't know they have it is because they either have no symptoms or their 341 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,089 have it is because they either have no symptoms or their symptoms are so mild they never 342 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,024 have no symptoms or their symptoms are so mild they never notice, and nearly everyone 343 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:46,691 symptoms are so mild they never notice, and nearly everyone has it. 344 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:47,926 notice, and nearly everyone has it. If you include oral herpes, 345 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,961 has it. If you include oral herpes, worldwide, nearly 90% of the 346 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,963 If you include oral herpes, worldwide, nearly 90% of the global population carries some 347 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:52,998 worldwide, nearly 90% of the global population carries some strain of herpes. 348 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:53,965 global population carries some strain of herpes. What? 349 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:54,833 strain of herpes. What? And that means, if you don't 350 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,134 What? And that means, if you don't have it, you're the weird one. 351 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,470 And that means, if you don't have it, you're the weird one. You're the weird one. 352 00:08:58,472 --> 00:08:59,404 have it, you're the weird one. You're the weird one. Oh! 353 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:00,972 You're the weird one. Oh! Stop it! 354 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:01,806 Oh! Stop it! Stop it, I don't 355 00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,475 Stop it! Stop it, I don't play basketball. 356 00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:04,676 Stop it, I don't play basketball. >> No. 357 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,344 play basketball. >> No. I straight up don't believe you. 358 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,345 >> No. I straight up don't believe you. You're not a doctor. 359 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,313 I straight up don't believe you. You're not a doctor. >> Neither are you. 360 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:09,281 You're not a doctor. >> Neither are you. You're a gym teacher. 361 00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:11,082 >> Neither are you. You're a gym teacher. This is a doctor. 362 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:11,750 You're a gym teacher. This is a doctor. >> Oh! 363 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:12,417 This is a doctor. >> Oh! >> Oh, my God. 364 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,084 >> Oh! >> Oh, my God. >> Guys, this is 365 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:13,885 >> Oh, my God. >> Guys, this is Dr. Jennifer Lang, 366 00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:17,789 a board-certified OBGYN. >> Hey, guys. >> Thank God. 367 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:22,561 This guy just gave us herpes. What's gonna happen to us? >> Probably not a lot. 368 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,361 What's gonna happen to us? >> Probably not a lot. Most people don't even 369 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:24,796 >> Probably not a lot. Most people don't even develop symptoms. 370 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,097 Most people don't even develop symptoms. Some people might have a mild 371 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,766 develop symptoms. Some people might have a mild rash around the mouth or genital 372 00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:29,067 Some people might have a mild rash around the mouth or genital region, maybe some red 373 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,502 rash around the mouth or genital region, maybe some red or white bumps. 374 00:09:30,504 --> 00:09:31,469 region, maybe some red or white bumps. The truth is, if you're not 375 00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:32,938 or white bumps. The truth is, if you're not immunocompromised during 376 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:33,605 The truth is, if you're not immunocompromised during the late stages 377 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:34,839 immunocompromised during the late stages of pregnancy, you really 378 00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:36,508 the late stages of pregnancy, you really don't have to worry about it. 379 00:09:36,510 --> 00:09:38,176 of pregnancy, you really don't have to worry about it. Most sexually active adults ae 380 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,611 don't have to worry about it. Most sexually active adults ae gonna be exposed to herpes at 381 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,012 Most sexually active adults ae gonna be exposed to herpes at some point in their life. 382 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,714 gonna be exposed to herpes at some point in their life. It's really not a big deal. 383 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,382 some point in their life. It's really not a big deal. That's what I tell my patients. 384 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,083 It's really not a big deal. That's what I tell my patients. >> Thanks. 385 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:45,884 That's what I tell my patients. >> Thanks. >> Thanks, Jennifer. 386 00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:46,718 >> Thanks. >> Thanks, Jennifer. >> Oh! 387 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,686 >> Thanks, Jennifer. >> Oh! >> Oh, my God. 388 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,353 >> Oh! >> Oh, my God. >> Ow! 389 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,754 >> Oh, my God. >> Ow! >> You gotta give us sunglasses. 390 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:50,555 >> Ow! >> You gotta give us sunglasses. >> The fact is, 391 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,023 >> You gotta give us sunglasses. >> The fact is, our culture's fear of herpes 392 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:52,824 >> The fact is, our culture's fear of herpes is totally 393 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,459 our culture's fear of herpes is totally out of proportion with how mild 394 00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:55,961 is totally out of proportion with how mild the disease actually is. 395 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,095 out of proportion with how mild the disease actually is. We're treating what's basically 396 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,663 the disease actually is. We're treating what's basically junk acne like it's some kind of 397 00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:00,865 We're treating what's basically junk acne like it's some kind of sexual plague, and that fear 398 00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,067 junk acne like it's some kind of sexual plague, and that fear is pretty recent. 399 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,134 sexual plague, and that fear is pretty recent. Up until a few decades ago, 400 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,102 is pretty recent. Up until a few decades ago, no one gave a crap 401 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,236 Up until a few decades ago, no one gave a crap about herpes. 402 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:10,108 >> Whee! >> Samantha Beth, my darling, there's something you must know. 403 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:15,714 I've got red bumps on my junk. >> Oh, Charles! Me too. 404 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,149 >> Oh, Charles! Me too. Whatever. 405 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,250 Me too. Whatever. >> But all of that changed 406 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,619 Whatever. >> But all of that changed in the early '80s. 407 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:21,353 >> But all of that changed in the early '80s. In the hangover 408 00:10:21,355 --> 00:10:22,554 in the early '80s. In the hangover from the sexual revolution, 409 00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,122 In the hangover from the sexual revolution, there was a straight-up cultural 410 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,291 from the sexual revolution, there was a straight-up cultural freak-out about STDs and even 411 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,959 there was a straight-up cultural freak-out about STDs and even benign diseases like herpes 412 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:28,927 freak-out about STDs and even benign diseases like herpes got swept up in 413 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,528 benign diseases like herpes got swept up in the puritanical panic. 414 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:31,429 got swept up in the puritanical panic. Check out this real 415 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,598 the puritanical panic. Check out this real Time Magazine cover from 1982. 416 00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:36,201 >> Whoa! 417 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:39,137 Even I think that's too intense and I scare kids for a living. 418 00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:41,072 >> Yeah, and it worked. 419 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:45,610 >> Hey, babe. I've got red bumps on my wiener. (woman gasps) 420 00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:49,648 >> That's not tubular. >> I'm gonna die. >> Holy crow. 421 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,515 >> I'm gonna die. >> Holy crow. That does seem out 422 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:51,383 >> Holy crow. That does seem out of proportion. 423 00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:52,050 That does seem out of proportion. >> Yeah. 424 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,084 of proportion. >> Yeah. The only serious side effect 425 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,153 >> Yeah. The only serious side effect of herpes is shame. 426 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,421 The only serious side effect of herpes is shame. One study found that people 427 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,722 of herpes is shame. One study found that people consider herpes more shameful 428 00:10:57,724 --> 00:11:00,759 One study found that people consider herpes more shameful than any STD other than HIV. 429 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,327 consider herpes more shameful than any STD other than HIV. That's crazy. 430 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,361 than any STD other than HIV. That's crazy. And herpes is considered 431 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,629 That's crazy. And herpes is considered so stigmatized, 432 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,897 And herpes is considered so stigmatized, there are multiple online dating 433 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,065 so stigmatized, there are multiple online dating sites just for people 434 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:07,966 there are multiple online dating sites just for people with herpes. 435 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,300 sites just for people with herpes. All of this over a disease 436 00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,636 with herpes. All of this over a disease that 90% of people have. 437 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:12,671 All of this over a disease that 90% of people have. You know what else is a herpes 438 00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:13,505 that 90% of people have. You know what else is a herpes dating site? 439 00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:14,906 You know what else is a herpes dating site? OKCupid, Match.com, 440 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:15,840 dating site? OKCupid, Match.com, Christian Mingle. 441 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:16,908 OKCupid, Match.com, Christian Mingle. All of them because nine out 442 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,576 Christian Mingle. All of them because nine out of ten people have herpes. 443 00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,178 All of them because nine out of ten people have herpes. The only difference between 444 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,046 of ten people have herpes. The only difference between this guy... 445 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,514 The only difference between this guy... >> I'm diseased! 446 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:23,982 this guy... >> I'm diseased! I'll be alone forever. 447 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,116 >> I'm diseased! I'll be alone forever. >> ... and this guy... 448 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,084 I'll be alone forever. >> ... and this guy... >> How you doing, folks? 449 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:27,085 >> ... and this guy... >> How you doing, folks? Anyone for a fulfilling 450 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,787 >> How you doing, folks? Anyone for a fulfilling sexual relationship? 451 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,321 Anyone for a fulfilling sexual relationship? >> Is that the first guy knows 452 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,456 sexual relationship? >> Is that the first guy knows he has herpes. 453 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,691 >> Is that the first guy knows he has herpes. >> Oh, poor sap. 454 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,893 he has herpes. >> Oh, poor sap. Wait, what? 455 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,361 >> Oh, poor sap. Wait, what? >> The fact that we shame each 456 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,430 Wait, what? >> The fact that we shame each other this hard over a disease 457 00:11:38,432 --> 00:11:40,799 >> The fact that we shame each other this hard over a disease that practically everyone has 458 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,400 other this hard over a disease that practically everyone has is truly awful. 459 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,401 that practically everyone has is truly awful. >> Okay. 460 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,303 is truly awful. >> Okay. I mean, I probably shouldn't be 461 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,271 >> Okay. I mean, I probably shouldn't be that scary about herpes 462 00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:47,706 I mean, I probably shouldn't be that scary about herpes in class. 463 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,040 that scary about herpes in class. It's really not that dangerous. 464 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,442 in class. It's really not that dangerous. >> Looks like he's getting it, 465 00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:51,409 It's really not that dangerous. >> Looks like he's getting it, huh, Herpy? 466 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,544 >> Looks like he's getting it, huh, Herpy? >> Yay! 467 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,312 huh, Herpy? >> Yay! Good job, new friends. 468 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,580 >> Yay! Good job, new friends. >> Hey, Herpy. 469 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,115 Good job, new friends. >> Hey, Herpy. How about taking back the herpes 470 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,149 >> Hey, Herpy. How about taking back the herpes you gave us? 471 00:11:58,151 --> 00:11:59,484 How about taking back the herpes you gave us? >> No can do! 472 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,519 you gave us? >> No can do! You both already had herpes! 473 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:02,220 >> No can do! You both already had herpes! >> What? 474 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,188 You both already had herpes! >> What? Since when? 475 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,890 >> What? Since when? >> Since college! 476 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:10,495 Since when? >> Since college! >> Oh, Herpy! 477 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:11,830 >> Since college! >> Oh, Herpy! >> You know, the crazy thing is 478 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:12,697 >> Oh, Herpy! >> You know, the crazy thing is I don't remember filming 479 00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:13,732 >> You know, the crazy thing is I don't remember filming any of that. 480 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:14,432 I don't remember filming any of that. >> Well, now that I've popped 481 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:15,300 any of that. >> Well, now that I've popped your knowledge cherry, 482 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,835 >> Well, now that I've popped your knowledge cherry, I'll be on my way. 483 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,206 He's a funny virus. 484 00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:24,976 (laughter) >> Hang on. Did you just say 485 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,845 >> Hang on. Did you just say "popped our knowledge cherry"? 486 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,546 Did you just say "popped our knowledge cherry"? >> Oh yeah, it's metaphor. 487 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,182 "popped our knowledge cherry"? >> Oh yeah, it's metaphor. For puncturing a virgin's hymen. 488 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,250 >> Oh yeah, it's metaphor. For puncturing a virgin's hymen. Gross, sorry. 489 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,551 For puncturing a virgin's hymen. Gross, sorry. >> Yeah, it's not just gross. 490 00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,186 Gross, sorry. >> Yeah, it's not just gross. It's totally wrong. 491 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,855 >> Yeah, it's not just gross. It's totally wrong. That's not how a hymen works. 492 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:37,522 It's totally wrong. That's not how a hymen works. >> Really? 493 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,724 That's not how a hymen works. >> Really? I didn't know that. 494 00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,092 >> Really? I didn't know that. Whoa. 495 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,660 I didn't know that. Whoa. I didn't know something. 496 00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:49,134 >> Oh, my God! If you didn't know something, that means I get to teach 497 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,401 If you didn't know something, that means I get to teach you something. 498 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,837 that means I get to teach you something. Oh, my God, yes. 499 00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:54,172 you something. Oh, my God, yes. Up next, this is 500 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,341 Oh, my God, yes. Up next, this is "Emily Ruins Everything." 501 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:57,242 Up next, this is "Emily Ruins Everything." >> We're never gonna have sex, 502 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:58,109 "Emily Ruins Everything." >> We're never gonna have sex, are we? 503 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,310 >> We're never gonna have sex, are we? >> Sorry, babe. 504 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:06,785 My turn to explain something. Give me your magic TV powers. Where are they? 505 00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:07,652 Give me your magic TV powers. Where are they? Is it your glasses? 506 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,319 Where are they? Is it your glasses? >> No. 507 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:08,987 Is it your glasses? >> No. >> It's your glasses. 508 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,588 >> No. >> It's your glasses. (Adam groaning) 509 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:11,256 >> It's your glasses. (Adam groaning) Whoa! 510 00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,024 (Adam groaning) Whoa! Your prescription's insane. 511 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,325 Whoa! Your prescription's insane. >> Whoever has the knowledge 512 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,960 Your prescription's insane. >> Whoever has the knowledge wields the power. 513 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:16,661 >> Whoever has the knowledge wields the power. >> Oh. 514 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:17,996 wields the power. >> Oh. Really? 515 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,633 (snapping) 516 00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:27,605 (snapping) >> Stop, you're only supposed to use the powers for learning. 517 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,107 >> Stop, you're only supposed to use the powers for learning. >> Oh, I'm getting there. 518 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,441 use the powers for learning. >> Oh, I'm getting there. (clearing throat) 519 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,911 >> Oh, I'm getting there. (clearing throat) Now, what do you two derpies 520 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,946 (clearing throat) Now, what do you two derpies think a hymen is? 521 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:35,613 Now, what do you two derpies think a hymen is? >> Do we have to talk 522 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,281 think a hymen is? >> Do we have to talk about hymens? 523 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:36,948 >> Do we have to talk about hymens? >> Seems like more of 524 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:37,682 about hymens? >> Seems like more of a lady thing. 525 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:38,783 >> Seems like more of a lady thing. >> Yeah. 526 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:44,889 >> Ooh. This is fun. Grow up, guys. 527 00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:45,957 This is fun. Grow up, guys. You just spent ten minutes 528 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,158 Grow up, guys. You just spent ten minutes talking about your ding-dongs. 529 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,593 You just spent ten minutes talking about your ding-dongs. I mean, why is it ickier if it's 530 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:49,928 talking about your ding-dongs. I mean, why is it ickier if it's about a woman's body? 531 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:50,829 I mean, why is it ickier if it's about a woman's body? >> Fair enough. 532 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,831 about a woman's body? >> Fair enough. >> So, what's a hymen? 533 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:56,034 >> Fair enough. >> So, what's a hymen? >> Okay, it's a bit of girl that 534 00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:59,003 >> So, what's a hymen? >> Okay, it's a bit of girl that covers the vaginal area until 535 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,038 >> Okay, it's a bit of girl that covers the vaginal area until she has sex. 536 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,806 covers the vaginal area until she has sex. >> Yes, a freshness seal. 537 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,908 she has sex. >> Yes, a freshness seal. >> Do not consume if open. 538 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:04,576 >> Yes, a freshness seal. >> Do not consume if open. Sorry. 539 00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:05,243 >> Do not consume if open. Sorry. >> Yeah. 540 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:05,944 Sorry. >> Yeah. That's what a lot of 541 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:06,978 >> Yeah. That's what a lot of people think. 542 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:12,350 People picture the hymen like it's one of those paper banners at a sports game. 543 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,484 it's one of those paper banners at a sports game. They think it covers up a lady's 544 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,752 at a sports game. They think it covers up a lady's vagina and then when she has 545 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:15,720 They think it covers up a lady's vagina and then when she has sex for the first time, 546 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,622 vagina and then when she has sex for the first time, it gets busted. 547 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,661 >> Seems pretty accurate. >> Yep, let's go play video games. (laughs) 548 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:24,929 >> Yep, let's go play video games. (laughs) >> No, you don't. 549 00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:26,664 video games. (laughs) >> No, you don't. Everything about that is wrong. 550 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:27,732 >> No, you don't. Everything about that is wrong. Okay, think about it. 551 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:28,733 Everything about that is wrong. Okay, think about it. If our hymens completely sealed 552 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,001 Okay, think about it. If our hymens completely sealed our vaginas, where would our 553 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,002 If our hymens completely sealed our vaginas, where would our periods go? 554 00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:31,669 our vaginas, where would our periods go? I mean, we'd blow up like 555 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:32,337 periods go? I mean, we'd blow up like the blueberry girl in 556 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,004 I mean, we'd blow up like the blueberry girl in "Charlie and the 557 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:33,738 the blueberry girl in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." 558 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:34,405 "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." >> Oh, yeah. 559 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,708 Chocolate Factory." >> Oh, yeah. And where would you pee? 560 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:37,442 >> Oh, yeah. And where would you pee? >> You know we don't pee out of 561 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,377 And where would you pee? >> You know we don't pee out of our vaginas, right? 562 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,279 >> You know we don't pee out of our vaginas, right? We pee out of our urethras, 563 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,280 our vaginas, right? We pee out of our urethras, which is a separate hole. 564 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,848 We pee out of our urethras, which is a separate hole. You're a health teacher. 565 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,016 which is a separate hole. You're a health teacher. >> And our school district 566 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,051 You're a health teacher. >> And our school district is very underfunded. 567 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,887 >> And our school district is very underfunded. So that's how many holes total? 568 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:55,693 >> The hymen is actually a thin, stretchy bit around the vagina. In most women, our hymens have 569 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:56,895 stretchy bit around the vagina. In most women, our hymens have an opening that's big enough for 570 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,863 In most women, our hymens have an opening that's big enough for tampons, fingers, and yes, 571 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,099 an opening that's big enough for tampons, fingers, and yes, getting bizzay. 572 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,800 tampons, fingers, and yes, getting bizzay. But it's not like a barrier. 573 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,203 getting bizzay. But it's not like a barrier. It's more like a... 574 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:09,440 But it's not like a barrier. It's more like a... balloon arch. 575 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,241 It's more like a... balloon arch. >> Okay, but doesn't the hymen 576 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,075 balloon arch. >> Okay, but doesn't the hymen break the first time you 577 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:11,876 >> Okay, but doesn't the hymen break the first time you have sex? 578 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,278 break the first time you have sex? Like, doesn't it hurt? 579 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,646 have sex? Like, doesn't it hurt? >> It doesn't have to. 580 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,180 Like, doesn't it hurt? >> It doesn't have to. It might, if you're not careful 581 00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:16,948 >> It doesn't have to. It might, if you're not careful with it. 582 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,283 It might, if you're not careful with it. >> Oh, gee... 583 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,450 with it. >> Oh, gee... Oh, fudge. 584 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,586 >> Oh, gee... Oh, fudge. I damaged the balloon arch. 585 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,521 Oh, fudge. I damaged the balloon arch. Oh, fff-- God... 586 00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,256 I damaged the balloon arch. Oh, fff-- God... >> But it can also tear from 587 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,090 Oh, fff-- God... >> But it can also tear from doing the splits... 588 00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,425 >> But it can also tear from doing the splits... (balloons popping) 589 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,294 doing the splits... (balloons popping) ... or just living our lives. 590 00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:31,129 (balloons popping) ... or just living our lives. Even then, hymens can heal, 591 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,363 ... or just living our lives. Even then, hymens can heal, and a lot of them never even get 592 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:33,831 Even then, hymens can heal, and a lot of them never even get torn in the first place. 593 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,633 and a lot of them never even get torn in the first place. One study found that 52% of 594 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,101 torn in the first place. One study found that 52% of sexually active teenage women 595 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,503 One study found that 52% of sexually active teenage women had intact hymens. 596 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,270 sexually active teenage women had intact hymens. >> Really? 597 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,271 had intact hymens. >> Really? >> Yeah. 598 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,873 >> Really? >> Yeah. >> (cheering) H-Y-M-E-N! 599 00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:43,508 >> Yeah. >> (cheering) H-Y-M-E-N! Not well understood by men! 600 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,576 >> (cheering) H-Y-M-E-N! Not well understood by men! Go, hymen! 601 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:46,611 Not well understood by men! Go, hymen! >> The hymen as you understand 602 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,713 Go, hymen! >> The hymen as you understand it is a straight up myth. 603 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:49,547 >> The hymen as you understand it is a straight up myth. >> Okay, Emily. 604 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:50,982 it is a straight up myth. >> Okay, Emily. Are you sure about that? 605 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,250 >> Okay, Emily. Are you sure about that? Maybe you should call in 606 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:53,418 Are you sure about that? Maybe you should call in an expert. 607 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:54,852 Maybe you should call in an expert. >> Yeah, that's a good call. 608 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,487 an expert. >> Yeah, that's a good call. >> It's what I usually do, so. 609 00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:04,162 >> How's this for an expert? >> Good point, I feel bad. 610 00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:07,265 >> Our bodies don't come with built-in virginity detectors and sex 611 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,766 built-in virginity detectors and sex isn't supposed to hurt 612 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,301 and sex isn't supposed to hurt the first time, but this 613 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,537 isn't supposed to hurt the first time, but this horrible idea is everywhere 614 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,771 the first time, but this horrible idea is everywhere in our culture. 615 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:19,410 From ska bands. >> ♪ Zoot suit riot ♪ >> Ugh, bad name. 616 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,279 >> ♪ Zoot suit riot ♪ >> Ugh, bad name. >> To popular TV shows. 617 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,113 >> Ugh, bad name. >> To popular TV shows. >> So there's a good chance that 618 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,081 >> To popular TV shows. >> So there's a good chance that Megan was never raped. 619 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:23,748 >> So there's a good chance that Megan was never raped. >> These are Megan's 620 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,516 Megan was never raped. >> These are Megan's medical records. 621 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,851 >> These are Megan's medical records. An intact hymen. 622 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,019 medical records. An intact hymen. >> She's a virgin. 623 00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:33,191 >> Even the New York Times gets it wrong. 624 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,425 gets it wrong. The Times knows more about 625 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,960 The Times knows more about regional politics in Finland 626 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,595 regional politics in Finland than the female body. 627 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:38,596 than the female body. >> Honestly, the worst part 628 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,831 >> Honestly, the worst part is the word "daddy." 629 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,432 is the word "daddy." >> Yeah, that is inappropriate. 630 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,600 >> Yeah, that is inappropriate. >> It gets way worse 631 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:43,935 >> It gets way worse than band names. 632 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:48,106 In some parts of the world, women are forced to show government officials that their 633 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,474 women are forced to show government officials that their hymen is intact. 634 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:50,608 government officials that their hymen is intact. If they don't, they can be 635 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,310 hymen is intact. If they don't, they can be denied jobs, barred from making 636 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,945 If they don't, they can be denied jobs, barred from making rape accusations, even thrown 637 00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:56,381 denied jobs, barred from making rape accusations, even thrown in jail. 638 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,648 rape accusations, even thrown in jail. Sorry, Adam. 639 00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,449 in jail. Sorry, Adam. I know that this is usually 640 00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,484 Sorry, Adam. I know that this is usually the point where you do some cute 641 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,518 I know that this is usually the point where you do some cute visual gag, I just-- 642 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,619 the point where you do some cute visual gag, I just-- >> No, skip it. 643 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:02,820 visual gag, I just-- >> No, skip it. That's awful. 644 00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:04,255 >> No, skip it. That's awful. >> Really, really awful. 645 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:05,456 That's awful. >> Really, really awful. >> Yeah. 646 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,125 >> Really, really awful. >> Yeah. Virginity exams are straight up 647 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,293 >> Yeah. Virginity exams are straight up sexual assault, and they don't 648 00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:11,029 Virginity exams are straight up sexual assault, and they don't even prove anything because... 649 00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:19,103 Physically speaking, virginity doesn't exist. It's just something we made up 650 00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,304 doesn't exist. It's just something we made up to be mean to women, 651 00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:21,372 It's just something we made up to be mean to women, like "Entourage." 652 00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:25,877 >> Wow, I learned something. That felt great. I feel taller. 653 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:26,944 That felt great. I feel taller. Do I look taller? 654 00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:27,812 I feel taller. Do I look taller? >> Glad to help. 655 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:28,513 Do I look taller? >> Glad to help. Anyways, it's time 656 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,247 >> Glad to help. Anyways, it's time for you to go. 657 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,415 Anyways, it's time for you to go. >> Emily, you know, usually I do 658 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,249 for you to go. >> Emily, you know, usually I do more of a wrap up than that. 659 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:31,916 >> Emily, you know, usually I do more of a wrap up than that. >> Nope. 660 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:32,583 more of a wrap up than that. >> Nope. Hit the road. 661 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:33,251 >> Nope. Hit the road. It's date night 662 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,085 Hit the road. It's date night and clock's tickin'. 663 00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:35,353 It's date night and clock's tickin'. >> Of course. 664 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:39,357 ♪ 665 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:47,598 >> I actually don't feel like having sex right now. Or ever. 666 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,233 like having sex right now. Or ever. I just keep thinking about how 667 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,569 Or ever. I just keep thinking about how I have herpes and my junk looks 668 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,571 I just keep thinking about how I have herpes and my junk looks weird and apparently, I don't 669 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,140 I have herpes and my junk looks weird and apparently, I don't know anything about your body. 670 00:17:56,142 --> 00:17:58,076 weird and apparently, I don't know anything about your body. I feel like garbage. 671 00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,744 know anything about your body. I feel like garbage. >> I know how you feel. 672 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,279 I feel like garbage. >> I know how you feel. I just told Adam Conover about 673 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,647 >> I know how you feel. I just told Adam Conover about my hymen for, like, 674 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,215 I just told Adam Conover about my hymen for, like, five minutes. 675 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,316 my hymen for, like, five minutes. I kind of want to barf. 676 00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:05,983 five minutes. I kind of want to barf. >> Sounds like you guys are 677 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:06,651 I kind of want to barf. >> Sounds like you guys are having a little trouble 678 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:07,318 >> Sounds like you guys are having a little trouble in the bedroom. 679 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:07,985 having a little trouble in the bedroom. You need my help? 680 00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:08,653 in the bedroom. You need my help? >> Never. 681 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:09,320 You need my help? >> Never. >> No. 682 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:09,987 >> Never. >> No. >> Well, in one second, 683 00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:10,655 >> No. >> Well, in one second, I'll tell you 684 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:11,456 >> Well, in one second, I'll tell you how to solve the worst 685 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:12,824 I'll tell you how to solve the worst sexual problem of all. 686 00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:13,758 how to solve the worst sexual problem of all. >> You? 687 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,792 sexual problem of all. >> You? >> That's hurtful. 688 00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:19,564 >> Fine. What's the worst sexual condition of all? 689 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:20,498 What's the worst sexual condition of all? Are my balls full of bees 690 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:21,432 sexual condition of all? Are my balls full of bees or something? 691 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,200 Are my balls full of bees or something? >> That would be cool, 692 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,267 or something? >> That would be cool, but not that I know of. 693 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,669 >> That would be cool, but not that I know of. Nope, it's the one problem that 694 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,370 but not that I know of. Nope, it's the one problem that causes all the others. 695 00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:27,071 Nope, it's the one problem that causes all the others. Shame. 696 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,739 causes all the others. Shame. >> Oh. 697 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,074 Shame. >> Oh. I'm not ashamed about sex. 698 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,542 >> Oh. I'm not ashamed about sex. I'm very progressive. 699 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,743 I'm not ashamed about sex. I'm very progressive. I bought us a sex toy. 700 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:35,246 I'm very progressive. I bought us a sex toy. >> You did? 701 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,047 I bought us a sex toy. >> You did? >> Yeah, you never saw it. 702 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,915 >> You did? >> Yeah, you never saw it. I hid it in the attic. 703 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,317 >> Yeah, you never saw it. I hid it in the attic. Maybe I am ashamed of sex. 704 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:39,984 I hid it in the attic. Maybe I am ashamed of sex. >> Yeah. 705 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,185 Maybe I am ashamed of sex. >> Yeah. We all are, at least a little 706 00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:42,854 >> Yeah. We all are, at least a little bit, and that can cause us to 707 00:18:42,856 --> 00:18:44,655 We all are, at least a little bit, and that can cause us to treat each other horribly, 708 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:45,423 bit, and that can cause us to treat each other horribly, like when we 709 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:46,290 treat each other horribly, like when we humiliate people for 710 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,092 like when we humiliate people for having an innocuous disease. 711 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,496 humiliate people for having an innocuous disease. >> Whee! 712 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,431 having an innocuous disease. >> Whee! >> Or redesign babies' genitals 713 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,599 >> Whee! >> Or redesign babies' genitals for no reason. 714 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,734 >> Or redesign babies' genitals for no reason. (baby crying) 715 00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,035 for no reason. (baby crying) Or teach teenage girls that 716 00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,337 (baby crying) Or teach teenage girls that their first sexual experience 717 00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,139 Or teach teenage girls that their first sexual experience is gonna be a nightmare. 718 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:08,379 >> Aww, yeah, I'm sorry, I-- I did it again. >> All of these mistakes 719 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,014 I did it again. >> All of these mistakes were caused by shame. 720 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,182 >> All of these mistakes were caused by shame. Take the example of Kellogg. 721 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,750 were caused by shame. Take the example of Kellogg. He promoted circumcision because 722 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,385 Take the example of Kellogg. He promoted circumcision because masturbation freaked him out, 723 00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:15,453 He promoted circumcision because masturbation freaked him out, but that's crazy because 724 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,355 masturbation freaked him out, but that's crazy because we all masturbate. 725 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,189 but that's crazy because we all masturbate. >> I don't, I swear. 726 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:18,856 we all masturbate. >> I don't, I swear. >> Not me, you're more 727 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:19,557 >> I don't, I swear. >> Not me, you're more than enough for me, baby. 728 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:20,858 >> Not me, you're more than enough for me, baby. >> No, you guys definitely do. 729 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,026 than enough for me, baby. >> No, you guys definitely do. And it's fine with each other 730 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:22,960 >> No, you guys definitely do. And it's fine with each other that you do, right? 731 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:23,661 And it's fine with each other that you do, right? >> Oh, of course, go to town. 732 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,295 that you do, right? >> Oh, of course, go to town. >> Oh, yeah, 733 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:24,962 >> Oh, of course, go to town. >> Oh, yeah, it's okay if you do. 734 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,564 >> Oh, yeah, it's okay if you do. >> So why be ashamed of it? 735 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,933 Masturbation is the safest form of sex. 736 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,101 form of sex. It releases tons of healthy 737 00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:31,769 It releases tons of healthy endorphins, and it can actually 738 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:32,603 endorphins, and it can actually be used to treat 739 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,238 be used to treat sexual dysfunction. 740 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,473 sexual dysfunction. >> That's actually all true. 741 00:19:35,574 --> 00:19:38,709 >> Masturbation is good for you. That's what you should tell your students. 742 00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:39,977 That's what you should tell your students. >> I should. 743 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:40,745 your students. >> I should. I will not, 744 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:41,879 >> I should. I will not, because I'd get fired. 745 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:42,680 I will not, because I'd get fired. >> Well, that's sad, because 746 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:43,848 because I'd get fired. >> Well, that's sad, because it's true. 747 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:44,916 >> Well, that's sad, because it's true. We need to stop doing this 748 00:19:44,918 --> 00:19:46,117 it's true. We need to stop doing this to ourselves. 749 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:47,151 We need to stop doing this to ourselves. No one needs to worry if they 750 00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,786 to ourselves. No one needs to worry if they like to flick the bean, or if 751 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,021 No one needs to worry if they like to flick the bean, or if they're a virgin, or if they 752 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,422 like to flick the bean, or if they're a virgin, or if they find learning obscure facts 753 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,757 they're a virgin, or if they find learning obscure facts deeply erotic. 754 00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,459 find learning obscure facts deeply erotic. Shame is ruining our sex lives. 755 00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:57,094 deeply erotic. Shame is ruining our sex lives. We shouldn't let it any longer. 756 00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:02,934 Oh, jeez, my speech worked too well. I'll let myself out. 757 00:20:02,936 --> 00:20:04,035 too well. I'll let myself out. >> ♪ Ooh baby ♪ 758 00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,570 I'll let myself out. >> ♪ Ooh baby ♪ ♪ Ooh baby ♪ 759 00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,771 >> ♪ Ooh baby ♪ ♪ Ooh baby ♪ ♪ Sexual ♪ 760 00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,573 ♪ Ooh baby ♪ ♪ Sexual ♪ ♪ Sexual ♪ 761 00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,977 ♪ 762 00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,716 (phone vibrating) 763 00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:21,152 >> What the...? 764 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,936 (tapping) >> Next time on "Adam Ruins Everything"... 765 00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:42,873 >> How many of you have ever heard of vitamin megadoses? >> I have, but I've also heard 766 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,108 heard of vitamin megadoses? >> I have, but I've also heard of fairies, and those won't cure 767 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:44,775 >> I have, but I've also heard of fairies, and those won't cure your cold, either. 768 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,443 of fairies, and those won't cure your cold, either. >> Great. 769 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:46,110 your cold, either. >> Great. Can I go back to doing 770 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:46,844 >> Great. Can I go back to doing my show now? 771 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:47,812 Can I go back to doing my show now? >> What's bad for you about 772 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:48,980 my show now? >> What's bad for you about orange juice is the sugar. 773 00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:53,718 >> Sugar! >> Medical shows like this one end up telling you big fat 774 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,019 >> Medical shows like this one end up telling you big fat lies like that. 775 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:55,987 end up telling you big fat lies like that. >> You lied to us, 776 00:20:55,989 --> 00:20:57,455 lies like that. >> You lied to us, Dr. Todd! 777 00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:58,456 >> You lied to us, Dr. Todd! >> Everyone, stop! 778 00:20:58,458 --> 00:20:59,123 Dr. Todd! >> Everyone, stop! There's an answer to all 779 00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,024 >> Everyone, stop! There's an answer to all of this! 76652

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