Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey.

I got the milk you needed.

What do I owe you?

Forget it.

No. You bought me juice and bread yesterday.

I May be losing my job,

But I can still afford a carton of milk.

What do I owe you?

O.k., it's $1.40.

O.k., let's see...

50...

75...

80...

I'll give you the rest when I do the laundry.

Wonderful.

So did you find something for mom for mother's day?

No.

Why don't we send her some perfume?

She'll think we don't like the way she smells.

I don't like the way she smells.

How about flowers?

Why don't you just say her house stinks, too?

How about candy?

No! We gave her candy two years ago, remember?

"Thanks for the candy, girls.

"I could have swallowed my filling,

But luckily it stuck right in the caramel."

How about a Crystal vase?

Can't afford that.

Hey, what about if we break a glass

And put it in a box Marked "fragile"?

No. Oh, I know!

Let's get her something

That makes her feel really young.

What, like a wagon?

You're not helping.

Hey...

I think I found my mother's day present from the kids.

You're going to open it?

It's two days away!

Well, I need time to practice pretending like I like it.

Oh, man, I should have opened it a week ago.

Didn't they give you slippers last year?

Yeah.

These are them! I Forgot to return them.

Boy, these are ugly.

Mom will love them!

[Telephone rings]

Becky's teen town!

If you're calling to chat about boys, press one now.

Mother...

Hi.

Yeah? When?

Oh, great!

Yes! O.k. O.k., cool.

Bye.

Dana did it!

She got the concert tickets for next saturday!

Awesome!

We go to Dana's,

Then pick everybody else up in the van.

This is going to be great!

Just understand that you and stacy

Won't be sitting with my friends.

Becky, there's going to be 20,000 people there.

Why would we sit next to the only four geeks?

O.k., we're going away for the weekend without an adult.

The big "r" will definitely have a problem with that.

Well, not if we make it sound good.

How?

I don't know.

Tell her we're never coming back.

[Dan] hey.

Hey.

How was your day?

Would you like to know what your son did?

Well, if he's "my" son, it must be something bad.

I had to go to school to see his teacher

Because it seems he hasn't turned in any math homework

For the past two weeks.

I see.

And how did he explain this?

Well, he's had a lot of extra responsibility

Since you died.

Did I suffer?

No.

Sniper... Clean shot.

I said I was sorry!

Ever since he got that video game,

He's been goofing off!

Deej, you finish your homework

First thing when you come home from school,

You read me?

Yes.

Is that it?

Oh, and you cannot lie to your teachers, you got it?

O.k.

O.k.

No, it is not o.k.

You're not watching any TV this whole weekend,

You understand that?

And you're not playing video games

Till your teacher calls and tells me you're caught up.

Dad!

You heard your mother.

Now take your homework upstairs

And wash up for dinner.

I hate you!

Then my work here is done.

What?

Hey, thanks for your help there.

What? I Backed you up.

Why am I always the bad guy?

I told him to do his homework and to stop lying.

What else do you want from me?

How about if you punish him once

And end up where he doesn't like you?

Give him time!

He'll turn on me. He's a Conner boy.

Pretty soon we'll be slugging it out on the front lawn.

Well, that doesn't do me any good now, does it, Dan?

We'll ask later.

Be quiet! You'll wake up mom.

So what?

It's mother's day, you moron.

Stop trying to tick her off.

Go upstairs, hose off whatever stupid thing you made for her,

And bring it down.

Or what?

Or we'll bury you under the porch

With the rest of our brothers.

Hi.

Hey.

I Only had five eggs in my fridge.

Well, how long have they been there?

Uh...well...

I know I bought them on my way to work.

I just don't remember which job.

[Telephone rings]

Who'd call this early?

Well, get it before it wakes up mom!

I got it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, mom.

No, it's Jackie.

Happy mother's day.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a shame

You can't say the same to me.

So, did you get the slippers?

Unique good or unique bad?

Should we ask dad about the concert?

I don't think he'd go for it, either.

Besides, she's still mad about D.J.

We should just stick to our plan.

Mom, don't you think that if I was dating somebody

I'd tell you to get you off my back?

Oh. Really.

Well, go suck an egg.

Huh?

No. I did not!

No! Why would I say something like that?

"Suck an egg"?

I don't even know what that means!

No, I didn't say that.

Must be a bad connection.

So mom, happy mother's day.

I'll tell Roseanne to give you a call when she gets up.

O.k.? Uh-huh. Bite me.

Oh, man, I should have thought of that a long time ago!

Here she comes.

Tell her how great she looks.

Well, it's your father's way of telling me

How much he loves me.

You said you liked it.

I love it!

Because I know that you picked it out all by yourself.

Oh, my, my, my.

Let me feel-- oh, boy!

That feels...

Fire-retarDant.

It's way retarDant.

[Roseanne] it's--

She hates it. Do something.

Sit down, mom.

There's your coffee and juice.

French toast is coming up.

Did you actually make breakfast?

Well, sure. It's mother's day.

What's the catch?

No catch. Can't we just do something nice?

I don't know. You never have.

Here. Happy mother's day.

Oh, look!

An ashtray with your picture at the bottom.

It's a shame you quit smoking.

You could grind your butts out on his face.

Shut up!

Well, I like it, D.J.

I'll use it for a candy dish.

You really, really love it?

I love it, yes!

And you're still not watching any TV.

Gee!

Here, mom.

This is from me and Darlene.

Oh. Thanks.

Oh, look at that.

It's a gift certificate to the beauty box.

"Mother's day makeover--

"Manicure, pedicure, facial,

Complete hair styling."

Man! This must have cost a lot.

Which one of yous is pregnant?

We just wanted to get you something you'd really like.

Yeah. I've been

Kind of a nightmare this year.

It's my way of saying

Thanks for putting up with me.

Oh, that is so sweet!

Thank you.

That's so nice.

Look, Dan...

The girls got me a good gift.

Way to go.

And you know what would just make it perfect?

We all go together.

Oh, no. That's just for you.

No, go with me. It would be great.

But it's your day.

And I want to spend it with my two girls.

Really?

Shoot!

We only have enough money for you, mom.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I've got plenty of money.

How much did you pay for this robe?

What's that? It's all scratchy.

Eucalyptus and mango in an oatmeal base.

We're scrubbing away those layers of dead, dry skin.

Well, rub it all over my body

And don't stop till I'm a size 8.

Oh, I think I overdid it today.

The girls made me breakfast

And took me out to lunch.

Then I thought we should lose those calories,

So we left the car at the restaurant

And walked over to baskin-robbins.

Sounds like you had a great mother's day.

Oh, yeah.

It's just great.

Me and my girls hanging out together,

Acting crazy.

Oh, we went to this movie theater

But we'd already seen the show,

So we stood in front and told everybody the ending.

Oh, it just doesn't get any better than that.

Mrs. Conner, it's time for your shampoo.

Oh, do I really have to move?

Sorry.

Oh, all right.

Boy, what we girls won't go through to be beautiful.

Oh, yeah, mom.

You betcha.

Man, this stuff is sucking my brain out

Right through my face.

Just hang in.

She better let us go to that concert.

She will.

Ask her now.

No. Wait till they've done her hair

And she's got a buzz going from the spray.

Oh, you were wide open, man!

That was your shot!

For 2 million bucks a year

You'd think the guy could hire somebody

To teach him how to shoot.

No TV.

I just came to show you my homework.

Did you finish it?

Yeah.

Long division.

It's stupid. I'll never need it.

I have a calculator.

Now wait a minute, Deej.

What if your batteries go dead?

I'll buy new ones.

O.k., say you're on a deserted island

And there's no battery store

And you got to split 300 coconuts between 7 people?

Dad...

It's your choice, Deej--

You can grow up to be gilligan or the professor.

So what do I do now?

It's a beautiful day outside.

Go play.

Can't I watch TV?

No!

O.k.

You want to come with me?

Uh, yeah. Maybe after the game.

O.k.

Deej, wait a minute.

You're right.

Let's go do something.

What about the game?

What you want to do?

Watch TV.

No!

Come on, man!

We're two guys on the loose.

There's a whole big world out there!

Let's go wherever the wind blows us!

Let me get my bowling shoes.

End of the line.

This was so cool, dad.

Yeah. Didn't I tell you

There was more things in the world than video games?

Yeah. You can stop saying that.

Here, give me your helmet.

I wanted to bash some stuff with my head.

That's a $200 helmet. Take it off first.

Here, give me a hand

Wiping all the mud off this beast.

O.k.

Big day for you, Deej.

You learned how to shoot pool,

You bowled your weight...

You found out you got to spit sideways

When you're riding on a motorcycle.

Sure beats TV, huh?

A little.

So tell me about this alison girl who likes you.

I hate her!

Sounds serious.

No way!

She's always bugging me, keeps trying to kiss me.

Just like me when I was your age.

Girls were drawn to me

Like moths to a porch light.

You got the Conner curse, son.

So what do I do?

Nothing. It goes away.

Well, Mrs.. Conner, what do you think?

Oh, I'm beautiful!

I No longer have to think.

You look great, mom.

Yeah. Like our big sister

Just got back from college.

Well, you guys look gorgeous, too.

We'll have to go get a picture so we can remember this.

Oh, no. We'll remember.

I think we should go over to woolworth's

And try to smash all our hair into one photo booth.

There could be a romantic evening in your future.

Dad will go crazy when he sees you.

Are you kidding? Look at me!

I can do better than him.

Mom, when's the last time

You spent some time alone with dad?

Well, Darlene, we really can't afford to go away.

I know, but maybe you could spend a weekend at home

And we could go away.

D.J. Could sleep at a friend's house

And Becky and I could take off for the weekend.

Take off where?

There's this concert in des moines

Coming up.

You want to go to this concert

For the whole weekend?

Yeah. You'd have the whole house to yourselves.

Where would you stay?

A motel room or something.

No.

Why?

Because. No!

If you really care about me and dad

Having a weekend alone, take D.J. To grandma's.

I'm sure she'd be really happy to see you.

Oh, come on!

No. You guys are way too young

To go that long without an adult.

This worked out great.

Tell me about it.

What does that mean, "worked out"?

Nothing. Forget it.

Oh, this whole thing was just some scam

So you could go to some stupid concert, right?

Damn it.

Mom...

I'll pay the bill.

Meet me in the car.

Come on, keep stirring it, Deej.

My arm is tired.

Well, if you don't keep stirring, it won't be chili.

I don't even like chili.

You like science, don't you?

Yeah.

Chili is science.

How?

It's chemistry.

Chili represents your three states of matter--

Solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

Oh, my god--

It's the shirelles.

Who?

Disco.

You guys have a good time?

Just swell.

I'm going to go wash this crap off my face.

See, Deej, the good-looking ones

Always have an attitude.

Hey.

Ooh!

Flashback--

Prom night, 1969.

And honey, even after all these years,

You hair is still just as wide.

Don't touch it, Dan. You'll dent it.

I did my homework.

You did?

Oh, you sure can be a good kid sometimes.

Is something wrong, Roseanne?

No. Everything's fine.

Deej, I want to talk to your mom for a minute.

Go bug your sisters.

Use real bugs.

Becky and Darlene are in a mood.

What's going on?

Ohh...

Quality time's for saps.

That whole thing was just a set-up.

They were just trying to get something out of me.

Why'd they have to do that today?

Oh, my god-- happy Halloween.

What are you complaining about?

You look better.

Great plan, Becky.

Me? You're the one who blew it.

I didn't think she could hear.

Are you kidding? She can hear us right now.

Still, we spent the whole day together

And she treats us like we're infants.

[Dan knocks] come on out of there.

As soon as we wipe off these clown faces.

Now!

Yeah?

First of all,

You going away for a weekend

To a rock concert without an adult--

That was never going to happen

No matter how you sucked up.

Well, it's unanimous.

Yeah. I guess that about wraps it up.

I don't think so.

O.k., we'll apologize to her

Before she, like, explodes.

She's not going to like, explode.

She's too busy crying her eyes out.

I'm the one you got to worry about.

I'm very angry and I don't like you right now.

So we should also apologize to you?

Shut up.

So I don't have to say it again,

You shut up, too.

You guys just don't get it.

You see, she thought you were actually

Going to do something nice for her...

You know, like you cared.

That would have been the very best thing

You could have done for her today,

But you just ruined it.

Well, what should we do?

Make it up to her.

All right. We'll think of something.

No. You had your chance.

Now it's my turn.

Stop.

We're going out to dinner.

No. I don't want to eat with those girls.

I just want to go to bed.

They're not coming.

I'm punishing them.

Whoa.

Yes, and having to eat my chili is just the beginning.

We'll decide the rest over dinner.

Let's get changed.

But they hate me, right?

No, no. That's the beauty part--

They hate me.

Oh, Dan, that's just great!

Happy mother's day.

Oh, man, this is so much better than some old robe!

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Yeah. Hi, bev.

Oh, good.

Rosie? The kids got to your mother's.

They're fine.

Great.

Oh, no, you're welcome. They wanted to come.

They're old enough to take a weekend trip by themselves.

What's that noise?

Oh, what a treat for the girls to meet your garden club!

Does anyone there play the piano?

Great.

Darlene loves to sing show tunes.

No, she's just being modest.

Make her.

Did you get your projector fixed?

Grand.

What's a weekend at grandma's

Without all those wonderful vacation slides?

No, no.

We're just going to have a little

Romantic weekend at home.

All righty!

Well, you enjoy your grandchildren.

O.k. Bite me.

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