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1
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:06,138
[man, on television]575, Bob.
2
00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:07,139
[Bob Barker]$575.
3
00:00:07,207 --> 00:00:08,841
What is this,
the price is wrong?
4
00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:12,411
Lower! Lower!
Hundreds of dollars
lower, you idiot!
5
00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:15,614
Yeah, I mean, where does
she shop for jukeboxes?
6
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:16,915
Lower!
Higher!
7
00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:18,984
Lower, you
mouth-breathing
pinhead!
8
00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:20,686
Lower!
Higher!
9
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:21,720
Well, look at that.
10
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:23,355
If it wasn't
for unemployment
11
00:00:23,423 --> 00:00:25,224
And bomb threats
called into the school,
12
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,760
The two of you would have
no quality time together.
13
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:30,462
Shh. Time for
the showcase showdown.
14
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,464
Oh, take the second
showcase.
15
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,466
Everybody knows
the first one sucks.
16
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:37,636
God, i'd be so good
on this show, Dan.
17
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,205
And they always pick
people just like me--
18
00:00:40,273 --> 00:00:42,675
You know, real cute
and bubbly-like.
19
00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:44,910
That's why I
picked you, mommy.
20
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,413
Oh, man, get the hose.
21
00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:51,083
So how'd
your interview go?
22
00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:52,284
Guess.
23
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:54,620
Uh, you got the job
and it pays great?
24
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,188
Lower.
25
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:58,457
You got the job
and it don't pay great.
26
00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:00,059
Lower.
27
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,494
You went berserk
and killed the interviewer,
28
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:05,764
And now you're gonna be
on America's Most Wanted.
29
00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:07,499
Higher.
30
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,068
You didn't get the job.
31
00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:11,970
Ding ding ding ding
ding ding ding ding!
32
00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:13,872
Hey, Rosie.
Hi.
33
00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:14,973
Hi, Dan.
34
00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:16,809
Hey, Darlene, cool
bomb threat, huh?
35
00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:21,480
I got a favor to ask.
36
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:22,848
We're gonna take
this little trip,
37
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,783
And I was wondering
if you guys'd watch
the house.
38
00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:26,085
[Roseanne]
sure. What are
neighbors for?
39
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,219
Where you headed?
40
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:28,654
Well, we're taking
the motor home
41
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:29,888
To Branson, Missouri,
42
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,224
The country music
capital of the world.
43
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:33,726
Man, you guys
are so lucky.
44
00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:35,294
We never get
to go anyplace.
45
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:37,062
We ought to
pack up our truck
46
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,131
And go over
to your house.
47
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:43,135
Nah. It would just be
too hard to unwind
when we got back.
48
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,603
Darlene, if you're
going in the kitchen,
49
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,438
Why don't you
and Ty make a list
50
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:47,973
Of things
for D.J. To do?
51
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,242
Hey, Ty, yeah, you might
as well go ahead
52
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,678
And kill your pets
and your plants now.
53
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:58,817
[sigh]
okay, well, you want
to talk about it?
54
00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:01,320
Oh, honey, I ain't no damn
good at these interviews.
55
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,588
I get too nervous.
56
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,857
The guy asked me
if I had any hobbies.
57
00:02:04,924 --> 00:02:06,392
I panicked
and said, "drinking."
58
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,194
Well, you know
what they say, Dan--
59
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:12,197
Looking for a job
is the hardest job
you'll ever have.
60
00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:13,932
You're right.
61
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,968
I need a vacation.
62
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,270
That's not a bad idea.
63
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,571
Let's do it.
64
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,840
Oh, honey, I can't run
away from my problems.
65
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:24,309
You sure can.
Your problems are here.
66
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,812
We'll just go someplace else.
It's easy.
67
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,214
Come on. It's not like
we all don't deserve it.
68
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:32,184
[snobbish]
well, as long as it's
not Europe again.
69
00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:35,187
Well, actually, I was
thinking about someplace
70
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:36,955
That's really, really warm,
71
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:39,458
And where knowing
the price of cheerios
72
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:43,462
Can get you a brand-new car.
73
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:44,930
That's crazy, honey.
74
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,765
We can't afford
to go to California.
75
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,934
Why not? Ty's going.
76
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,302
No, he's not.
77
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:51,937
Give me a minute.
78
00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:00,212
So, Ty, I guess
79
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,082
You're gonna pack up a lot
of your warmest clothes
80
00:03:03,149 --> 00:03:04,583
To go down to Branson there,
81
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,819
Since it's real cold there
this time of year.
82
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:08,854
It's no colder
than here.
83
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,290
Well, how come you didn't
think of, like, you know,
84
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,826
Going to California,
where it's really warm,
you know?
85
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:15,828
And they got really
cool stuff there,
86
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:19,131
Like Disneyland
and the Crystal Cathedral
87
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,600
And Bob Barker.
88
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,902
You know, Charlotte and I
begged him to go there,
89
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,070
Not stupid Branson.
90
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,338
Well, I think you girls
91
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:28,107
Would probably
like it in Branson,
92
00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:30,609
'cause there's
a lot of, you know,
musicians down there,
93
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,978
And they have
their days free,
94
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,980
And they'd probably
really like
95
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,116
Making little friends
like you.
96
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:40,285
Yeah, I wouldn't let
my daughters go there,
97
00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:41,987
But hey, that's just me.
98
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,991
Hey, I read
that Jerry Lee Lewis
lives down there.
99
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,928
Look, guys, I got nothing
against California,
100
00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:51,230
Necessarily,
101
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:54,366
But it's just too far for me
to drive all by myself.
102
00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,739
[all]
California, here I come
103
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:04,243
right back where
we started from
104
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:07,579
open up your golden gate
105
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:09,281
california
106
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:13,986
here we come
107
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,522
[laughing]
108
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,768
You feeling any better, Ty?
109
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,237
Oh, I don't know.
110
00:05:38,304 --> 00:05:41,073
I think I ate
something real bad.
111
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,508
Well, it's your own fault.
112
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:45,611
It's not like truck stops
are known for their clams.
113
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,448
Give the guy
a break, Roseanne.
114
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,617
You've been known to play
a little seafood roulette
115
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,252
In your day.
116
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,488
See food?
117
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,391
[groans]
118
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:02,361
Hang on there, Ty.
119
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,630
Deej, don't bother Ty.
120
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,099
Go up front and bother
your dad for a while.
121
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:11,870
Hey, son.
122
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:13,038
Hey.
123
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,607
What kind of bug was that?
124
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:18,043
I don't know, Deej.
125
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:21,013
Did we hit it or
did it fly into us?
126
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,682
I'm not sure, son.
127
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:27,486
He did seem kind of depressed
before he hit the windshield.
128
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,621
What's that?
129
00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:32,324
That's the air
conditioner switch.
130
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,059
[air blowing]
131
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:41,667
Okay, Deej, go back and
bother your mom for awhile.
132
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,336
Mom, can you make me
a tuna sandwich?
133
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,738
I lost my other one.
134
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,941
Darlene, could you get me
another can of tuna
135
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,210
Out of the cupboard, please?
136
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,479
Now, let's see.
137
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:56,682
Which one's the cupboard,
which one's the den?
138
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,317
Hurry up, i'm starving.
139
00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,585
D.J., do you mind?
140
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:01,720
I'm working on three
inches of formica here.
141
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:04,189
Gotta finish this
and Darlene's salad,
142
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:08,193
Jackie's grilled cheese and
your dad's bologna sandwich.
143
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,497
Hey, skip the bologna.
I'll take some of that tuna.
144
00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:13,132
I've gotta use up
the bologna, Dan,
145
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:17,202
Otherwise d.J. Will
have no place to sleep.
146
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,971
Hey, you know
what I feel like?
147
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,039
Some hot cocoa.
148
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,440
Can we have some hot cocoa?
149
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,108
[everyone agrees in unison]
150
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,344
No, no cocoa.
151
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,780
Geez, what kind of
a vacation is this for me?
152
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:29,915
All you've done is take
everything I do at home
153
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,151
And just put it on wheels.
154
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:35,020
Well, hop sing quit.
You in charge now.
155
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,490
Great, now one of us
has to make lunch.
156
00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:40,759
Why don't you two
flip for it?
157
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:41,927
Charlotte will do it.
158
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:42,928
Okay.
159
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,363
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
160
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,699
She just tells you to do
something and you do it?
161
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,200
Well, I don't really mind.
162
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,636
I mean, I do this stuff
at home all the time.
163
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,539
Let me explain something
to you, Charlotte.
164
00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:55,641
You're the older sister.
165
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,210
That means you get to
treat her like garbage.
166
00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,945
It's your birthright.
167
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,815
Yeah, but that's not
how this family works.
168
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,783
No, that's how all
families work.
169
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:06,318
Becky got to treat me bad,
170
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,253
I got to take it out on D.J.,
171
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,190
And d.J. Gets to take it out
on society as a whole.
172
00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:14,860
I think i'm going to go see
if dad wants some tea.
173
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:18,263
I can't believe this.
You two are so screwed up.
174
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,465
We are not.
175
00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:21,633
Oh, please, why do you
think she eats so much
176
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,703
And you'll sleep with
any guy who gives you
a little attention?
177
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,473
Go shove it, Darlene.
178
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:29,675
Where the hell do you
get so much insight?
179
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:40,119
Trust me.
I know.
180
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:51,497
Well, everybody's all
wedged in for the night.
181
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:53,666
So cute the way Darlene
falls asleep
182
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:56,301
With her hands
around D.J.'s neck.
183
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,538
Isn't this great, honey?
184
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:03,275
Just you and me
on the open road?
185
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,312
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
186
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,182
Look at all those
little houses out there.
187
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,418
You ever wonder what kind
of people live there
188
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,086
And what they're
doing right now?
189
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,821
I know what they're
doing right now.
190
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,424
They're wondering why
the hell they bought houses
191
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,859
So damn close to the freeway.
192
00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:24,096
You know who lives
in those houses?
193
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,731
People just like us.
194
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:29,835
Each one of those little houses
has its own Becky and Darlene.
195
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,637
Its own D.J.
196
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,239
How come they still get
to have a Becky?
197
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,343
I guess their little
bike shops are doing well.
198
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,781
Boy, stuff sure has
changed, hasn't it?
199
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,283
Remember that big
plan I worked out
200
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,185
When we first got married?
201
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,520
Yeah.
202
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,022
What was that again?
203
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,191
I think it was,
"we'll get by."
204
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,392
Oh, yeah.
205
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,928
What ever happened to that?
206
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,629
Hey, come on,
we're doing okay.
207
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,665
You've got
your restaurant now.
208
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,233
It's doing good.
209
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,568
Making money.
210
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,372
Let's have a baby.
211
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,343
What?
212
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,212
Are you serious?
213
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,647
Since when do you want
to have another kid?
214
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:18,183
Well, I was just thinking
about how much fun it was
215
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,551
When the kids were little.
216
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,487
Yeah, but then
they get big, remember?
217
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:24,757
I'm not getting burned
on that deal again.
218
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,794
So what are you saying?
219
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:31,096
We're never gonna have
any more children?
220
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,967
Maybe I am.
221
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,636
Are you the only one
that can decide that?
222
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:40,406
You got a uterus?
223
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,944
Well, that's pretty
damn unfair.
224
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:48,180
I don't see why
we can't do this.
225
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,649
Kids take money, Dan, okay?
226
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:52,451
And we don't have
that much of it.
227
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,987
If we did, you think we'd
be driving cross-country
228
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,022
With our neighbor's toilet?
229
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,659
Hey, when we had our
first kid, things were tough.
230
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:02,795
We didn't have any trouble
making that decision.
231
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,564
We didn't make
that decision, Dan.
232
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:08,367
Jose cuervo did.
233
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:11,270
What a coincidence.
234
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,540
He's the same guy
that proposed to you.
235
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:28,420
Glad you're feeling better.
236
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:30,723
I don't think i'da gotten
through it without you.
237
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:34,193
Oh, all you needed
was a little TLC.
238
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,633
You drive real good.
239
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:47,106
Thanks, I used to do
this professionally.
240
00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:48,474
I can tell.
241
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,609
I keep watching your eyes,
242
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:53,579
And they never
leave the road.
243
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,614
They are so brown.
244
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:59,184
Thanks.
245
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,089
[laughs]
246
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,657
It's funny, isn't it?
247
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,793
Traveling around
in a motor home?
248
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,428
I mean, this is
the first time
249
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,130
I ever spent
the night with a woman
250
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:12,431
That I didn't
actually date first.
251
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,766
That's funny.
252
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,868
It is.
That is funny.
253
00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,804
Could we get
some drinks up here?
254
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:21,106
I got it.
255
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,475
Boy, I think my dad and
your aunt Jackie
256
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:24,610
Are really hitting it off.
257
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,612
Wouldn't it be bizarre
if they got married?
258
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,682
Yeah, then we'd be cousins and
we live next door to each other
259
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,850
So we could share clothes
and talk on the phone
260
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,719
And do each other's hair.
261
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,121
Die, dwarf.
262
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,992
Who wants more peas?
263
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,560
You mean some
more baby peas?
264
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,328
Some of those cute
little baby peas?
265
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,797
I'd love some more baby peas.
266
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:46,265
I mean, even
though you're done,
267
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:49,101
That doesn't mean I don't
want any more baby peas.
268
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,270
You know, i'd like
some more baby peas.
269
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,106
Well, you'll have baby peas
when I tell you
270
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,309
You're good and ready
to have baby peas.
271
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,845
All right, then, carrots.
What the hell are
we talking about?
272
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,081
Nothing.
273
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,248
Hey, Deej.
274
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,283
[gasps]
275
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,217
Oh, hi, vic.
276
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,120
Oh my god, who
the hell are you?
277
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,155
I met him at
the last truck stop.
278
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,590
I let him use
our bathroom,
279
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,492
And I guess I forgot
he was in there.
280
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,595
D.J., what were you thinking?
281
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,163
You guys got any tobacco?
282
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,100
Jackie, pull over.
We gotta let somebody out.
283
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,501
No, no, wait a minute.
284
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,870
We can't just dump him
in the middle of the desert.
285
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:25,971
Where you headed, buddy?
286
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,340
Anywhere over the border
would be fine.
287
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,908
Jackie, pull over.
288
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,044
Was just a joke.
289
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,613
Oh, you're out
of here, buddy.
290
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,515
Hold on, i'm gonna
check his bag.
291
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,816
Make sure he didn't
take anything.
292
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:41,854
You better hope
you're clean, mister.
293
00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:45,424
Well, how do we compare to
other families you've killed?
294
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,626
You know, ma'am, you might
not believe this,
295
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:51,430
But I used to be
just like you people.
296
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,333
Oh yeah, I had a family,
wife, kids, home.
297
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,368
Whole deal.
298
00:13:56,436 --> 00:14:01,407
Then I lost my job,
wife took the kids.
299
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:06,545
Things started going to hell,
and I find myself here.
300
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:12,785
Gee, Ty, why don't you
go ahead and start
driving for a while.
301
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,687
Got it.
302
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,388
I don't think it
would hurt nothing
303
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,324
To have you ride with us
for a little bit.
304
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:22,227
Can I get you something to eat?
305
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,296
Well, yeah,
i'd appreciate that.
306
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,799
Do you know where
your family is now?
307
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:30,569
Nah, I was lying about
the family and the job.
308
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:34,506
My problem's always been
the liquor and the pills.
309
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:39,445
Ty, pull over the next exit.
He's getting out.
310
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,846
He's clean, Roseanne.
311
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,148
Very well organized.
312
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:48,921
Well, putting 8 people
in a 20-foot space together
313
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:51,590
For 5 days seemed
like a good idea.
314
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,492
What went wrong?
315
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,693
Well, for one thing,
316
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,628
You've put me in a
motor home with a man
317
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,897
Who hasn't had
a woman in 15 years.
318
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:02,434
Jackie, can you just
keep your distance from him?
319
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,670
It's not like I don't try.
320
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:09,174
Y'know, yesterday I almost
lost him at the sink.
321
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,045
Just deal with it, okay?
I have my own problems.
322
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,047
Like, for instance,
dan's driving me crazy
323
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,415
About having another kid.
324
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,017
Oh, this is great.
325
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,386
You're gonna have four kids
before I even have one.
326
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:21,553
Well, for your information,
327
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,856
I'm thinking about
getting a cat.
328
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:27,926
Well, I didn't say
I was gonna do it.
329
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:29,395
'course, I didn't
say I wasn't
330
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,562
Gonna do it, either.
331
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,930
What's that mean?
332
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,465
Well, i'm thinking
about it, you know.
333
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,367
I've got a whole
bunch of experience.
334
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,503
Boy, i'd do things
different this time.
335
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:41,407
Like, for instance,
I wouldn't teach
this kid to talk.
336
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:45,944
You really think
you should do this?
337
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:48,447
Jackie, look at the three
kids i've already raised.
338
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:51,950
Don't I deserve a
shot at a good one?
339
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:08,734
Well, good news.
340
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,036
I called home
and nobody answered.
341
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,372
Everything okay at the diner?
342
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,740
That's the better news.
343
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,241
You know that job
you didn't get?
344
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,276
You got it.
345
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,044
The guy left a
message at the diner
346
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:20,646
That their first
choice fell through.
347
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,815
Congratulations, honey.
You're second best.
348
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,351
That's great.
349
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,052
Yeah, and it's
steady drywall work
350
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,787
With medical benefits
and everything
351
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,556
So now we can finally
afford to get
352
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,826
One of them expensive
illnesses we talked about.
353
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,795
And I was thinking since
we'll have two incomes,
354
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:41,100
That maybe i'll talk about
that baby thing you want.
355
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,471
I'm not taking
the job, Roseanne.
356
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,473
What do you mean you're
not taking the job?
357
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,408
Just what I said.
I'm not taking the job.
358
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:50,909
Here you've been
dragging around the house
359
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,178
For a whole month complaining
how you ain't got no work,
360
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,847
Then you start with
that baby talk
361
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:58,650
And get my eggs
all in an uproar.
362
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,352
You are taking
that job, Dan.
363
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:03,489
I'm not taking the job
just 'cause you want a baby.
364
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,823
I want a baby?
365
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,659
You're the one that started
the whole baby thing.
366
00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:09,895
I don't want
a baby anymore.
367
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:12,498
Oh, well, i'm glad that
you made up your mind
368
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,834
Before somebody said
here comes the head.
369
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,770
I don't want to talk
about this anymore, okay?
370
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:18,771
Let's drop it.
371
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:19,872
Well, I do.
372
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,074
I said let's drop it!
373
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,715
What the hell's
wrong with you?
374
00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:32,518
Why the hell did you say
you wanted to have a baby?
375
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,720
I don't know.
376
00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:37,056
Maybe I thought having
a baby would make me happy.
377
00:17:37,123 --> 00:17:38,857
I could have just
as easily said
378
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:42,127
A new car or
a pool table.
379
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,064
Maybe I just needed
something to look
forward to.
380
00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:47,299
What, and getting paid
to be out of the house
381
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,336
Eight hours a day
isn't enough for ya?
382
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,371
Not drywall.
383
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,173
Well, you don't have
to do it forever.
384
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,942
You could just do it until
something better comes along.
385
00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:59,445
There's guys there that have
been doing the same thing
386
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,413
For 30 years waiting
for something better
387
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,581
To come along.
388
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:03,849
I lose my bike shop,
389
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,485
The first thing I do
is go back to drywall.
390
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:11,123
Yeah, well, what do
you really want to do?
391
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,726
Roseanne, there's
a theme here.
392
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,562
I don't know.
393
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,200
Dan, you're scaring me.
394
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,204
You think you're scared?
395
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,208
Well, wherever it is
that you don't know
396
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,509
Where the hell
you're going to,
397
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:33,112
You know that i'm
right there behind ya.
398
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:35,914
Thanks.
399
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:42,187
Still want to have a baby?
400
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:43,689
I don't know,
now you've got me
401
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:46,492
Thinking about a pool table.
402
00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:54,333
God, I can't believe it, Dan.
403
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,502
You didn't get me no tickets
to price is right.
404
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,904
How was I supposed to know
you had to get tickets
405
00:18:58,972 --> 00:18:59,938
Six months in advance?
406
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,440
Besides, you love
this Jackie thomas guy.
407
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,142
Yeah, but I can
watch that on tv.
408
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,511
I want to go someplace
where I can win something.
409
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,246
Least you got to
fulfill the kids' dream
410
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:08,380
Of going to Disneyland.
411
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:09,548
Yeah, I love that.
412
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,818
Darlene versus the
happiest place on earth.
413
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:18,157
Hey, everybody.
How you doing?
414
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,993
How you doing, folks?
415
00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:22,928
I'm Jackie Thomas,
as you know.
416
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:25,097
Welcome to my show.
417
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,299
We're gonna get started
here in a couple of minutes,
418
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,035
But i'd like to get to know
you guys a little bit better.
419
00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:30,969
Sir, what's your name?
420
00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:32,037
Bill.
421
00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:33,739
Bill, nice haircut, buddy.
422
00:19:33,807 --> 00:19:36,642
What'd you do, lose
a bet or something?
423
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,510
No, I was in a car accident
424
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,245
And before they could
operate on my skull,
425
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:41,580
They had to
shave my head.
426
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,349
Whatever.
You know...
427
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:46,418
What's your name, partner?
428
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:47,886
Dan conner.
429
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,388
Dan Conner.
Where are you from, Dan?
430
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:50,723
Lanford, Illinois.
431
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,291
Lanford, illinois.
432
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,159
Is this your
lovely wife, here?
433
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,962
Yes, I am.
434
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,430
How long you been
married, ma'am?
435
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:00,833
Well, next month it
will be 20 years.
436
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,268
20 years, everybody.
437
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,771
Tell us, what's the secret
to a marriage like that?
438
00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:08,073
Lack of imagination.
439
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:09,341
Lack of imagination.
440
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,376
That's funny.
441
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:11,677
I myself have never
been married.
442
00:20:11,745 --> 00:20:13,979
I've been working on
my career too hard.
443
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,981
It hasn't always been
this good for me, either.
444
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,916
I used to do a lot
of lousy jobs.
445
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:20,052
I washed dishes, I worked
in a meat packing plant.
446
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,322
I did everything
short of drywall.
It was pretty ugly.
447
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,691
But now i'm a big star
and I can make anybody
448
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:26,759
Do anything I want.
449
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,560
Who here wants to do
something really stupid
450
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:29,895
For a real lame prize?
451
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:31,063
He does!
452
00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:32,798
[Jackie Harris]
yeah, he does impressions.
453
00:20:32,866 --> 00:20:33,866
[Jackie Thomas]
impressions?
Dan?
454
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,201
Get up here and do one
of your impressions.
455
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:38,837
[Roseanne]
yeah, go do your impressions.
456
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,839
Come on up here, Dan.
457
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:43,776
All right, Danny.
458
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,911
Impressions, huh?
459
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:48,013
Who do you do?
460
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,916
Um...Um...
461
00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:52,651
Mr. Howell from
Gilligan's Island.
462
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:54,353
Mr. Howell from
Gilligan's Island.
463
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,522
Well, i'll help you out, here.
I'll be the skipper.
464
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,290
"how you doing,
little buddy?"
465
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,392
"smashing, lovey."
466
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,027
That's pretty darn good.
467
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,429
Yay!
468
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,530
Uh-huh.
469
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,765
Hey, do you do
anybody else?
470
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:10,803
Yeah, I guess
a little Brando.
471
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,971
Brando.
472
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:15,107
"i'd like to thank the
heads of the five families
473
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:16,942
"for coming here
this evening.
474
00:21:17,010 --> 00:21:19,311
How did we ever
get this far?"
475
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:21,347
Thank you.
476
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,649
Thank you very much.
Hey, you know what?
477
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,617
If you liked this one,
you'll love this one.
478
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:28,687
This is a little
character of mine.
479
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,156
Real nutty little guy
named travis bickle
480
00:21:31,224 --> 00:21:33,625
From a movie
called Taxi Driver.
481
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:38,163
And that goes a little
something like this.
482
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,269
"are you talking to me?
483
00:21:44,337 --> 00:21:46,005
"are you talking to me?
484
00:21:46,072 --> 00:21:48,507
Hey, are you talking to me?"
485
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:50,209
Thank you very much.
486
00:21:51,511 --> 00:21:53,779
...Had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell
487
00:21:53,847 --> 00:21:56,115
Miss Lucy went to heaven,
the steamboat went to
488
00:21:56,182 --> 00:21:57,583
All right,
that's good.
489
00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,419
All right, here's
your t-shirt.
490
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:03,555
One for each of you.
That's good enough.
491
00:22:03,623 --> 00:22:07,259
Anybody else got
anything they...
492
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:08,694
All right.
All right.
493
00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:09,962
That's good enough.
494
00:22:10,030 --> 00:22:12,364
That's--two scripts!
Signed scripts.
495
00:22:12,432 --> 00:22:13,732
You got the two t-shirts.
496
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,802
Anybody else want any...
497
00:22:24,911 --> 00:22:27,813
498
00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:33,986
goodbye my friend
it's hard to die
499
00:22:34,054 --> 00:22:38,991
when all the birds
are singing in the sky
500
00:22:39,059 --> 00:22:43,529
...The seasons in the air
501
00:22:43,596 --> 00:22:45,564
pretty girls
are everywhere
502
00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:47,800
look for me
and i'll be there
503
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:52,271
we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
504
00:22:52,339 --> 00:22:54,373
and the hills
and the climbs
505
00:22:54,441 --> 00:22:56,375
are the seasons
of our time
506
00:22:56,443 --> 00:23:00,212
we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
507
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,281
and the hills
that we climbed
508
00:23:02,349 --> 00:23:04,316
were just seasons
out of time
509
00:23:04,384 --> 00:23:08,120
we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
510
00:23:08,188 --> 00:23:10,189
and the hills
that we climbed
511
00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:12,124
knocked the seasons
out of time
512
00:23:12,192 --> 00:23:15,861
we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
513
00:23:15,929 --> 00:23:17,496
and the hills
that we climbed
514
00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:19,098
knocked the seasons
out of time
48518
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