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1
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,511
Come on, D.J. It's not
every day your mother
opens a restaurant.
2
00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,546
And you've got a really
important job to do.
3
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:20,686
Oh, look.
It's veal boy.
4
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:24,623
I hate this. I don't wanna
pass out any stupid fliers.
5
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,091
She's just jealous.
6
00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:29,328
Now you go out there
and do us proud.
7
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:32,331
Remember, this was
your mother's idea.
8
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:34,066
D.J., D.J.
9
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:35,734
Say "moo"
for the camera.
10
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,236
Moo.
11
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:41,674
When he runs away, his
picture on the milk carton's
12
00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:44,209
Gonna be very confusing.
13
00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:46,445
He's not gonna run away.
14
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:49,148
He's much more likely
to get beat up.
15
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:52,418
I'll be right back.
16
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:54,720
Jackie, what did you
do with the napkins?
17
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,121
What napkins?
18
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,490
God, you did order
napkins, didn't ya?
19
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,260
No, 'cause I didn't know
the exact right amount
of napkins to order.
20
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:03,662
Great. Now we have
the exact right
amount of napkins
21
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,597
For zero sandwiches.
22
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:07,132
Anything would be
better than that.
23
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,535
Hey, I have some
kleenex in my purse.
24
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:13,839
Here, Darlene.
Go get some napkins.
25
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:19,011
I can't get napkins
with 50 cents.
26
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,580
Yeah, you can.
You go down there
to that chicken place
27
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:24,316
And buy a soda and then
steal all theirs.
28
00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:26,719
Anything else you'd like?
29
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:29,621
Spoons, forks,
a chair?
30
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:33,125
So, are we ready for
the big grand opening?
31
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,126
[all]
yeah!
32
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,327
Okay. Let's do it.
33
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:39,898
Da! Da-da-da-da!
Da-da-da-da!
34
00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:42,301
Yeah!
All right!
35
00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,136
So, Jackie,
I hope you remembered
36
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,238
To buy the frame for
our first dollar bill.
37
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:47,840
Yes, it's right there
under the counter.
38
00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,675
Was that such
a good idea?
39
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,444
I mean, shouldn't we re-invest
it back into the business?
40
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,880
Here it comes! Here it comes!
This is our first dollar.
41
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:58,317
Hi.
42
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,755
Well, can we
help you?
43
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:04,189
Sure, i'd like a--
44
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:05,457
Wait, wait! Let me
get in position.
45
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:07,059
Okay, go.
46
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,262
I'd like a cup of coffee.
47
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:12,831
No problem. And?
48
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,934
And, uh, cream.
49
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:18,003
And?
50
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,572
And...Thank you
very much.
51
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:26,111
It's only
65 cents.
52
00:02:26,179 --> 00:02:28,881
That's gonna look
lousy in a frame.
53
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,354
So, how about one of
our nice loose meat sandwiches
54
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:36,955
To go with the coffee?
55
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:41,026
No, thanks.
56
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,231
Would you like
a piece of pie?
57
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,168
No.
A cookie?
58
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:52,137
No.
59
00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:53,806
Some gum?
60
00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:57,242
Okay, Roseanne. All right.
We'll get it from
the next customer.
61
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,545
No. It's first customer,
first dollar.
62
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:00,779
That's the way it goes.
63
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,215
Let it go, Roseanne.
64
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,418
Okay, that'll
be 65 cents.
65
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,153
Uh, do you have
a restroom?
66
00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,655
It's around the back.
67
00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:11,690
That'll be
35 cents.
68
00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:20,632
[theme]
69
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,538
Well, don't get used
to my being home, Dan,
70
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,773
Because I got stuck with
the night shift again.
71
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,709
First mom calls in sick,
72
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,345
Then Fisher calls over
there to say he's sick,
73
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,814
Then Jackie starts whining
about her little snuffle bear
74
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,182
And that made me sick,
75
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:45,484
So I told her to go home.
76
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:48,253
So I get an hour off
so I can come over here
77
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,055
And make dinner
for my family.
78
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,191
[beeping]
79
00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:54,693
Now what am I supposed to do
with the other 56 minutes?
80
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,595
[sighs]
81
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,097
Dan!
82
00:04:58,164 --> 00:05:00,499
Say, Dan, are you
even listening to me?
83
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,237
Arnie, what the hell
are you doing here?
84
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,806
Dan, get out here
and help me. Dan!
85
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:10,075
Oh, boy.
Calm down, honey!
86
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,611
Why would you even
let him into my house
87
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:14,613
After the way
he dumped Nancy?
88
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:15,981
I couldn't help it.
He was whimpering
89
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,249
And scratching
at the back door.
90
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,485
Rosie, this is the last
house I went to.
91
00:05:19,552 --> 00:05:20,986
I went everywhere else I knew.
92
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:23,789
The lights were on,
cars were in the driveway,
but nobody was home.
93
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:24,990
It was really weird.
94
00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:28,460
I was outside.
95
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:32,965
How could you tell Nancy
that you were abducted
by space aliens!
96
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:36,268
There's not even
a 12-step program for that!
97
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,836
Call her off, Dan!
Call her off!
98
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,872
You gotta appreciate
my situation here, arn.
99
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:42,841
She's my wife. I gotta
let her hurt ya.
100
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,276
I hear ya, buddy.
101
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,413
All right, I was a weasel to
snake out on Nancy like that,
102
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,615
But that marriage thing was
harder than I thought, you know?
103
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,583
One morning I woke up
and I couldn't breathe.
104
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:53,485
There was this heavy
weight on my chest.
105
00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:55,554
It was Nancy.
She was trying to kill me.
106
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:57,956
So I got the hell
out of there.
107
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,392
But listen, i'm back and
I want to patch things up.
108
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:03,395
Well, Nancy happens to be
really happy right now,
109
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:05,864
So I don't want you to go
screwing with her life.
110
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:08,600
She's not with
another guy, is she?
111
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:11,637
Well, no.
112
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,039
That's great, 'cause then
i'm back in the saddle!
113
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,909
Listen, Dan, i'm gonna
go over there. Do me
a favor, smell me.
114
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:20,212
You can't just
go over there, Arnie.
115
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,615
A lot of things have
changed in this town
since you were here last.
116
00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:25,351
Like what?
117
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:29,888
Like Nancy's a lesbian
and we got a new lenscrafters.
118
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,363
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
119
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,864
Come again?
120
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,967
Yes, Dan. Glasses in
less than an hour.
121
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,740
Nancy's gay? Our Nancy?
Arnie's Nancy?
122
00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:50,342
Yes, and now
marla's Nancy.
123
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,778
Nancy's dating Marla?
Yowza!
124
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:58,584
Hey! I'll bet that
Marla's a lesbian, too.
125
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:14,333
All right. I'll see your two
and bump you two more.
126
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,968
Call.
127
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,104
I got a straight.
128
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,172
Straight, huh?
A straight?
129
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,540
Is that a crack
about my ex-wife?
130
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,214
Whoa there, big guy. He
didn't mean anything by it.
131
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,083
Sorry.
132
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,552
Beats me. I just got
a pair of ladies.
133
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,120
That's it!
134
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,389
Come on!
135
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,493
Now, relax,
Arnie.
136
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:42,761
Sit down.
137
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:49,668
Nobody's judging you
because your ex-wife's
dating a woman.
138
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,737
Yeah, Arnie. It could
have happened to anybody.
139
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,940
Well, most people.
Oh, maybe just you.
140
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,675
Whose deal?
All right. Mine.
141
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,811
Well then, tell me
something, guys.
142
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:00,079
You got your
lesbians, right?
143
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,246
[all]
yeah.
144
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,282
How in the hell can
a woman be satisfied
145
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,484
By someone that does not
have the right equipment?
146
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,953
You can buy
the equipment.
147
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,790
[imitates engine revving]
148
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,426
[all laughing]
149
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,962
Okay, okay.
I don't get that,
150
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:21,834
But i'm telling you guys,
she had no complaints.
151
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,604
I've had a lot of women
fake it on me, and I can
always tell.
152
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,240
Maybe that's it, arn.
Maybe you're just so
darn good in the sack
153
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,042
That you ruined her
for other guys.
154
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,479
Nah.
155
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:36,915
Look, Arnie,
you can't blame yourself.
156
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,917
She's probably
always liked women.
157
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,219
So what are
you saying, Ty?
158
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:42,388
You saying
i'm like a woman?
That i'm womanly?
159
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,555
Is that what
you're saying?
160
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,058
Oh, it's...
161
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,761
It's pretty
ridiculous.
162
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:53,432
Right, guys?
163
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,535
Are you in, betty?
164
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,504
Yeah, and i'll
raise you two.
165
00:08:58,571 --> 00:08:59,872
Make all the jokes
you want, guys.
166
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,907
I loved her,
and it still hurts.
167
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,776
We'd still be together
if I hadn't dumped her.
168
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:05,044
Sorry, arn.
169
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,645
Yeah, Arnie, we're all
really sorry,
170
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,580
And we all think
you're really manly,
don't we, guys?
171
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:12,918
[all] aye, a manly man.
Arrgghh!
172
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,520
Absolutely. And, uh...
173
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,689
I'll see you two,
and i'll bump you two more.
174
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,792
That's too rich
for my blood. I fold.
175
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,860
A real man wouldn't fold.
176
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:24,997
All right, I call.
177
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,365
What do you got?
178
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,766
An eight.
179
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:40,746
Thank you, and be sure
to tell all your friends.
180
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,692
Hey, I don't mean
to bug you or anything,
181
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,327
But it's getting to be,
like, 9:00,
182
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,029
And I need
to close up now.
183
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,264
[english accent]
can I have
some more coffee?
184
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:03,268
Well, like, all that's left
is just sediment in the pot.
185
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,071
But hey, how about
five or six packets of sugar
186
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,173
To help you with
your next drum solo?
187
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:12,111
I said can I have
some more coffee!
188
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:17,049
Yeah. Okay. Calm down.
I'll get you some coffee.
189
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,723
I'm not doing anything,
okay?
190
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,658
You don't have
to call anybody.
191
00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:30,429
I wasn't gonna call anybody.
I'm just getting your coffee.
192
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,636
Okay, here. I put it in
a "to go" cup, you know,
193
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:40,439
'cause i'm sure you want to,
you know, go.
194
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,026
[telephone rings]
195
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,697
[ring]
196
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,401
[ring]
197
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,405
[ring]
198
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,084
Why didn't you call me
the minute this guy sat down?
199
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,586
'cause he didn't do anything
when he first sat down.
200
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,589
I'm gonna drive around
and look for this guy.
What did he look like?
201
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:34,293
He just looked like
a regular lunatic, you know?
202
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,499
Could you be
more specific?
203
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,701
Yeah, okay, he looks
like the kind of guy
204
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,103
That darlene's
gonna bring home
205
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,939
And we're gonna have
to call "son."
206
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:50,042
You're not helping,
Roseanne.
207
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,276
I gotta do something here,
208
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,512
And I think it requires
physical violence.
209
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,080
Would you just
calm down, Dan?
210
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,616
Just give me a minute
to get myself together here.
211
00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,618
Please get me a beer.
212
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:02,888
And when i'm done,
i'll let you crush the can.
213
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,923
Man, you got
women there alone.
214
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,725
I'd feel a hell of
a lot better
215
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:08,861
If you started
closing before dark.
216
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,929
No, we'll just make sure
there's always at least
217
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,931
Two of us on
each shift, okay?
218
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,133
It'll probably
never happen again.
219
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,001
You don't know that.
220
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,605
Would you consider
getting a gun
for the diner?
221
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:21,006
Oh, there's a great idea.
222
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:25,110
A loaded gun
in the same room with
my mother and my sister.
223
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,849
What if they miss each other
and they kill a customer?
224
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,885
Then they'll have
to reload.
225
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:35,354
Come on, Roseanne.
This is important.
226
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,855
We'll teach you
how to use it.
227
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,357
No, forget about it. No.
228
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,459
This is serious,
Roseanne.
229
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,860
You gotta do something
about this.
230
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,896
You gotta do it now.
231
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,298
What'd I do?
232
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:49,201
Nothing.
Really?
233
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,603
Your mother had a run-in
with some creep
at the diner tonight,
234
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,539
And she won't
listen to reason.
235
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,940
Are you okay?
Yeah.
236
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,342
He didn't rob us
or nothing.
237
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,011
He just kept wanting me
to give him more coffee.
238
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:04,383
Mom...
239
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,485
That's a customer.
240
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,497
So Arnie came by
my apartment last night.
241
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,132
He thinks he can
win me back,
242
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,402
Like i'm some big
lesbian trophy.
243
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,739
I'd still like to know
who told him I was gay.
244
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,941
Oh, I think
Jackie told him.
245
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:33,045
The guy is unbelievable.
246
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,614
He even brings me
some trashy lingerie.
247
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:38,550
Man, tacky underwear.
That's so Arnie.
248
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,186
Ugh! He is such a pig.
249
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,390
But it looks great
on Marla.
250
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,759
Hey.
Hi.
251
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,595
I'd like a table with
a view of the cute
waitress, please.
252
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,864
Ha! Stupe.
253
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,902
What are you doing here?
254
00:13:56,970 --> 00:14:00,839
Hey! I got shoes.
I got shirt.
I want service.
255
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:02,241
I'll have the usual.
256
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:05,411
Well, i'm busy. Would you
rather have a sandwich?
257
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,479
I think i'll start
with drinks.
258
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,749
Perhaps a large orange,
no ice.
259
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,551
And maybe some
appetizers.
260
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,053
Are your chips
good tonight?
261
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,122
How long do you plan
to be here on
psycho patrol, Dan?
262
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,290
Till closing.
263
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,092
That is just
not possible, Dan.
264
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,595
Because if you sit here
and watch me serving
people food and cleaning up,
265
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:27,900
Then that will take
all the romance out of it
when I do it at home.
266
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:30,135
If you're not gonna do
anything about this,
267
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,538
I'm gonna stay here
and make sure you're safe.
268
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:33,939
It's my job.
269
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,041
It's what you
pay me for.
270
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,911
I'm handling it, okay?
271
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:40,746
See? See that sticker
over there on the door?
272
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:44,550
"this premises protected
by the lantron security
alarm systems."
273
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,751
Where'd you get that?
274
00:14:45,819 --> 00:14:48,120
I stoled it.
275
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,222
I feel safer already.
276
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:53,425
You gotta go, Dan,
or i'm gonna have
to come over there
277
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:54,426
And throw you out.
278
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,667
You're gonna
throw me out?
279
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,537
Come on, Dan.
280
00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:10,509
I don't have time
for your macho
Robert De Niro crap.
281
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,612
Come on now.
282
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:18,717
You couldn't throw somebody out
if you had to, woman.
283
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:21,854
Oh, you're so mature.
284
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,156
Jackie! Nancy!
285
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,860
This creep giving you
trouble, Roseanne?
286
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,962
Yes. He keeps insisting
he's my husband
287
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:31,764
And he won't leave.
288
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,702
Jackie, you get his legs.
Here, you got his arms.
289
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,270
I'll get the rest.
290
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,339
Uhh! Uhh!
291
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,012
All right.
I got it.
292
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,948
Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh!
293
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,350
Dammit, Roseanne.
294
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,286
You're not gonna know some
maniac's special tickle spot.
295
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,755
Obviously, I do.
296
00:15:57,891 --> 00:15:59,992
Okay. Okay.
297
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,927
You don't want me here?
I'm gone.
298
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:04,430
But you can't get
rid of me that easy.
299
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,432
I'll be sitting
out front in my car.
300
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,935
Man, is he stubborn.
301
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,171
I think I pulled
something.
302
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:13,872
Oh, you know,
he just means well.
303
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,040
He's worried about us,
304
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,910
Wants to make sure
we're all, you know, safe.
305
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,911
What are you doing?
306
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,980
Oh, i'm just gonna
get his car towed.
307
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,325
Aargh!
308
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,326
Hyah!
Hyah!
309
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,128
Aaahhh-hyah!
310
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,896
It's not that hard,
Roseanne.
311
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:40,599
I took this self-defense
class when I was on
the force. It's great.
312
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,301
Hyah!
313
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,269
Yeah, i'm sure it will
come in handy
314
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,706
If i'm ever attacked
by a crazed piece of plywood.
315
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,311
Wow. I didn't know they turned
this into a karate place.
316
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:56,548
Last time I was here it was
'taters, 'taters, 'taters.
317
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,050
Excuse me, ladies.
318
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:01,387
We're trying to put on
a demonstration here.
319
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,788
Aaaahhh!
320
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,356
Hyah!
321
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,259
God, buy a saw.
322
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,630
With a mouth like that,
you need self-defense.
323
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,668
Ordinarily,
i'd get mad at that,
324
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,636
But i'd hate for
the last thing I ever see
325
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,305
To be his forehead
coming at me.
326
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,507
Don't worry about him,
Roseanne.
327
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:22,908
That's not what we're
gonna be studying.
328
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,210
This is what we're
gonna be studying.
329
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,479
No! No! No!
330
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,615
Wow. Cool.
331
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,820
Now remember,
we'll be simulating
real attacks here.
332
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:38,057
So I want you to fight back
as hard as you can.
333
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:39,091
Any questions?
334
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,926
Yes? Rosie?
335
00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:43,429
When are you gonna bring out
that guy in the suit?
336
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,131
'cause i'd like to kick
that guy in the suit.
337
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,301
We'll get there
very soon.
338
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:53,972
Okay. Now, passivity
is your worst enemy.
339
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,943
So the first thing
we learn to do here
is to say no to men.
340
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,312
You sure
you took this class?
341
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,150
This "no" gets you in
touch with your power.
342
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,019
So what's the first
thing you say
343
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,687
To a man who wants
to hurt you?
344
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,489
[all]
no!
345
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,291
Good. Very good.
346
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:15,728
All right. I'd like to
introduce our attacker
for this evening.
347
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:16,862
His name is Fred.
348
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,864
[Roseanne] yay!
[instructor]
no, boo!
349
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,766
[all]
boo!
350
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:23,002
The first thing
we're gonna do
is frontal attacks.
351
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,670
Any volunteers?
352
00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,305
Rosie?
353
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,273
Okay.
Save some for me.
354
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,975
I'm gonna show you
a simple way
355
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:33,245
To take down a 220-pound
assailant, all right?
356
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,513
First thing
I want you to do
357
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:35,848
Is clump your fingers
together like this.
358
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,182
Oh, yeah, I get it.
359
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,551
And then when he tries to
guess what animal i'm making,
360
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,720
I knee him in the crotch.
361
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:44,857
No, you're gonna use
your fingers
362
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:46,658
To strike your assailant
in the eye.
363
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,527
No!
364
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,829
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
365
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:53,332
Hey, could you do that
to a guy that's still asleep,
366
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,868
Or would that be unfair?
367
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,236
Then after
the eye strike,
368
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,338
That's when I want you
to knee him in the groin.
369
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,273
No!
370
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,409
Don't worry.
He's well protected.
371
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,711
Now, the last step
is a knockout blow.
372
00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:07,346
When Fred takes you
to the ground,
373
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,081
I want you to kick him
in the head
374
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,917
Until he puts his hands
in front of his face
and I blow the whistle.
375
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,719
That means stop.
Okay.
376
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:15,354
You ready?
Yeah.
377
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:16,522
All right.
378
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:19,258
Now, a lot of women find
this very traumatic.
379
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,060
Your first instinct
may be to panic,
380
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,729
Stop breathing,
even run.
381
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:25,731
So you just do
the best you can.
382
00:19:25,799 --> 00:19:27,666
Okay.
All right?
383
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,268
All right.
384
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,272
Rosie is ready.
Hey, you!
385
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,773
Hey!
Ow!
386
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:35,841
[instructor]
hit him! Hit him!
387
00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:38,444
Kick him hard! Kick him!
388
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:44,049
[blows whistle]
389
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:45,517
[women cheering]
390
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,618
Hey, that's fun.
391
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,254
Do you have a home version
of that game?
392
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,725
All right. Let's talk
about our attacker's
vulnerable spots.
393
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,361
Yo, Nancy!
Oh, god!
394
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:56,829
Don't mean to bother
you women,
395
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,964
But I need to speak
to that chick right
over there real quick.
396
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,567
You want me to go
kick him in the head for ya?
397
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,403
Ugh! It won't make
any difference.
398
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:06,171
I'll be right back.
399
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,109
Arnie, what the hell
are you doing here?
400
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:12,044
Why won't you
talk to me, Nance?
401
00:20:12,112 --> 00:20:14,446
I'm gonna tell you
one more time.
402
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:15,781
I'm gay.
403
00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:18,484
It has nothing to do with you
or your masculinity.
404
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,219
Of course it doesn't.
405
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,954
I'm still every bit
the man I always was.
406
00:20:22,022 --> 00:20:24,990
Last night, I beat up
three guys in a topless
bar to prove it.
407
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:27,726
I mean,
you just don't get it.
408
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:31,730
It's about love, trust,
and commitment.
409
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,899
What we had
was not natural.
410
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,870
I can accept that,
411
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,638
And I know that we won't
get back together.
412
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,407
But that doesn't mean
you and me can't, you know,
413
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,775
Do it one more time,
you know?
414
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:43,909
Swine.
415
00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:45,310
All right. If it's about
that Marla broad,
416
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:47,046
You can bring her along.
Arnie!
417
00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:49,114
Okay, okay!
Can I at least watch
or something?
418
00:20:49,182 --> 00:20:50,482
You know, I wanna
be in there somewhere!
419
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,851
No!
420
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,553
[women cheering]
421
00:21:03,997 --> 00:21:05,197
Come on out here, Dan.
422
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:07,299
I want you to see I can
take care of myself.
423
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,634
Now get your butt
out here.
424
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:10,736
Now, do you have on
all your equipment?
425
00:21:10,804 --> 00:21:11,870
Yeah.
426
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,038
Like i'm gonna need it.
427
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:15,407
Okay, well,
now go over there,
428
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:17,609
And then when
I tell you to,
you're gonna come at me.
429
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:20,212
But I want you
to really, really
come at me.
430
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,714
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
431
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,783
I was all-district
offensive lineman
three years in a row.
432
00:21:24,851 --> 00:21:26,852
Are you gonna bore me
into unconsciousness
433
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,088
Or are you gonna
put on that hat?
434
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:31,390
Oh, hurt me.
435
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,395
Okay. Come on, Dan.
436
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:38,664
I'm ready for ya.
Come on.
437
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:41,233
What is that, a chicken?
438
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:44,303
Ow! My eye! My eye! Ow!
439
00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:47,306
440
00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:56,849
We're losing patience
with you, human.
441
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,318
You were supposed to bring
back the female specimen
442
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:00,886
For breeding stock.
443
00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:02,988
Yeah, well, she's not
into that anymore.
444
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:09,061
Now we will have to
cross-breed him
445
00:22:09,129 --> 00:22:12,097
With one of
the other species.
446
00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:15,167
How about the cactipoony?
447
00:22:15,235 --> 00:22:18,604
Cactipoony. That sounds good.
I like a little variety.
448
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,706
Good idea.
449
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:23,909
We'll have the female
defanged immediately.
450
00:22:23,977 --> 00:22:26,111
Wait a minute, guys. Wait.
I got even a better idea.
451
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:30,015
Why don't you give me a new
mission? Why don't I go down
there and mutilate some cows?
452
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:31,316
Don't worry, human.
453
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:33,619
We have vastly improved
our cross-breeding system
454
00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:36,722
Since the last time we
tried to pollinate you.
455
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:40,359
Well, I hope so. You gotta be
a little more careful when
you're pickin' my dates.
456
00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:43,395
The last one, I had to put
bags on two of her heads.
457
00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:47,700
Michael, Michael,
what are you doin'?
458
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:49,735
I wasn't in enough scenes.
You aren't
459
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:53,238
In this scene either. Look,
it's Arnie and the aliens.
460
00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:57,509
I want to be an alien.
461
00:22:57,577 --> 00:22:59,812
All right, guys, beat it.
462
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:04,883
Oh, geez. Six hours
of makeup for this?
463
00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:08,087
You know, you do look
kinda like a little spock.
464
00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:10,789
Don't ya? You know
spock's-- do that.
465
00:23:10,857 --> 00:23:12,324
Look like a little
spock, don't ya?
466
00:23:13,727 --> 00:23:15,627
Hear about my new show?Um, a little bit.
467
00:23:15,695 --> 00:23:16,662
What'd you hear?Good things?
468
00:23:16,730 --> 00:23:18,530
Yeah.Like what?
46068
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