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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,599 [CHITTERING] 2 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,236 Uh-oh. 3 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,834 All right, kids! Rise and shine! 4 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,545 Let's go, everybody. Let's go. 5 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:29,755 [RADIO BLASTS INSIDE ROOM] 6 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,716 Come on, girls! Enough with the hair. 7 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:33,967 Hi, Mom. 8 00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:38,013 Hit the deck. Hit the deck! Let's go, girls. 9 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:43,018 Let's go, everybody. Come on. Come on. Wake up. 10 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,395 Come on, let's go. 11 00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,859 Okay. Let's go! 12 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,822 Danny, turn off that radio! 13 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,407 Uppy, uppy, uppy! 14 00:01:57,575 --> 00:01:59,535 Come on, come on, move, move. 15 00:01:59,702 --> 00:02:01,286 [GRUNTS] 16 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:08,877 Thanks. Hey, Deb, I talked to Pete Scalary last night. 17 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:11,755 He's gonna get that training bra back real soon. Who's in here? 18 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:12,923 [GIRL SCREAMS] 19 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,259 - Oh, gosh. Shut up! - Danny, get out! Mom! Mom! 20 00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:17,136 - Danny saw me naked! - Stop. 21 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:18,887 You think you're cool, Danny. 22 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,889 Who are you? What's your name? 23 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,057 - Dennis. - Dennis? 24 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:23,559 MOM: Brush your teeth? - All of them. 25 00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,603 - When are you gonna get that haircut? - Honey, who is this? 26 00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:30,107 - That's your nephew. - What are we running, a restaurant? 27 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,944 - Did you get out yesterday? - Yes. Twice. 28 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:37,531 I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning and I had doubles in the afternoon. 29 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,034 - How much is that? - It's about 30 bucks plus tips. 30 00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:43,453 Well, put it in the college fund. 31 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,833 You're like a three-year-old! You have to tell him every time he gets money. 32 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,587 As soon as you guys get back from Little League, let's get some painting done. 33 00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:54,381 The Douglases got fake brick. You don't have to paint it. 34 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:57,968 Hooray for the Douglases! Oh, come on, Jonathan. Bad boy. 35 00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:01,221 Why don't you give the St. Copius scholarship people a call? 36 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:04,057 I don't know about that place. I talked to a guy who went. 37 00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,810 He said there were two girls and they were both nuns. 38 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,771 Ah! I saw that! That's about 10 bucks and change. 39 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,316 I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch. 40 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:14,193 - How many Cokes? - Four or five. 41 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,278 - What are you, a diabetic? - I don't know. 42 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:19,198 You're not leaving until we settle the college thing. 43 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,867 If he doesn't have something lined up by September. . . 44 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,912 . .. I'm gonna ask Tom Burdick to put him on at the lumberyard. 45 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:27,039 MOM: He's not gonna work at the lumberyard. 46 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,167 DAD: He isn't gonna be a caddy all his life, is he? 47 00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,459 Hey, Mr. Webb, can I ask you something? 48 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:56,378 Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy. 49 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,130 - Danny. - Danny. 50 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,590 When you were my age, did you ever have trouble. . . 51 00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:03,510 . ..deciding what you wanted to do with your life? 52 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:08,181 No, I've never had that problem really. Why? 53 00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:11,560 Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand. 54 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,229 - You take drugs? - Every day. 55 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:17,566 - Good. So what's the problem? - I don't know. 56 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:21,903 Did you have to take that Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior? 57 00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:26,658 Oh, yeah, I took it. They said I should be a fire watcher. 58 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:30,412 - What are you supposed to be? - An underachiever. 59 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:35,417 - I gotta go to college. I gotta. - Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. 60 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,085 -This isn't Russia, is it? -No. 61 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:41,214 I didn't think so. No, the thing is, really, do you wanna go to college? 62 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:45,677 Ugh. In Nebraska? Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year. 63 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,180 Hold on. I think I lent you, what, $2.50 yesterday? 64 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,807 I can't foot the bill for everything, so don't ask for money. 65 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:54,936 My dad can't afford it. I haven't told him about the scholarship I didn't get. 66 00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:57,272 I'll end up working in a lumberyard. 67 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,274 What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards. 68 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:02,444 - You don't spend too much time there. - I'm not sure where they are. 69 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:06,448 Ah. 70 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,746 - I like you, Betty. - That's Danny, sir. 71 00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,957 Danny. I'm gonna give you a little advice. 72 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,878 There's a force in the universe that makes things happen.. . 73 00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:24,216 . ..and all you have to do is get in touch with it. 74 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:29,596 Stop thinking, let things happen. . . 75 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:32,307 . ..and be the ball. 76 00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,562 - Danny. Danny? - Sir. Sir. 77 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,648 - Where's the wedge? - Right here, sir. 78 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,274 Thank you, Danny. 79 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,694 Find your center. 80 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:48,740 Hear nothing, feel nothing. 81 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,831 That is kind of incredible, sir. 82 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,625 - You try, Danny. - Pardon me. 83 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:02,087 Pardon you? Here, you try it. 84 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,507 - Oh, I don't know. - Go ahead. 85 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:12,514 Just relax. Find your center. 86 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:15,392 Picture the shot, Danny. Picture it. 87 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,519 Turn off all the sound. 88 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,023 Just let it happen. Be the ball. 89 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:25,610 Be the ball, Danny. You're not being the ball, Danny. 90 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,280 - It's kind of difficult with you talking. - Okay. 91 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,783 I'm not talking. Stop talking. 92 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,411 I'm not talking now. 93 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,954 Be the ball. 94 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,421 Where'd it go? 95 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,966 Right in the lumberyard. It's okay. We'll work on it. 96 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,639 [GOPHER CHITTERING] 97 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,412 - McFiddish! - Sir. 98 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,539 - Do you know what I just saw? - No, sir. 99 00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,042 - A gopher! - Gopher? Where? 100 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,003 Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course? 101 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:29,549 Aye, sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder. 102 00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,301 Czervik Construction Company? 103 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:35,388 I'll slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their heads spin. And you. . .. 104 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:37,224 You get rid of those gophers. . . 105 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:40,185 . ..or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper. Is that clear? 106 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,896 - Aye, sir! Very clear, sir. - Yeah. 107 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,273 I'll put my best man on it! 108 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,528 CARL: Mrs. Crane... 109 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,615 . .. I'm looking at you. You wore green so you could hide. 110 00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:58,537 I don't blame you. You're a tramp. Oh, that was a good one. 111 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,664 Oh, that was right where you wanted it. 112 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:03,458 Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that? 113 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,961 You're a little monkey woman. You're lean. . . 114 00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:10,340 . ..and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are you, huh? 115 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,968 Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head? 116 00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,219 Carl! 117 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,762 Damn your eyes, man! 118 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:20,392 I told you to cut the long grass on the thirteenth and to mow the practice green. 119 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,645 I was unavoidably detained. 120 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:26,940 You can forget about the thirteenth and the practice green. 121 00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,317 I've got a more important job for you. 122 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:33,488 I want you to kill every gopher on the course. 123 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:36,199 Check me if I'm wrong, but if I kill all the golfers... 124 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:37,659 . ..they're gonna lock me up. 125 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:42,914 Gophers! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents. 126 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,126 We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason. 127 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,502 Do it, man! 128 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,338 I'll just do the same thing, but with gophers. 129 00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:57,470 It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying. 130 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,602 [PHONE RINGING] 131 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:07,939 Give me the Mets in three and I'll take the Yankees even. 132 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,691 I'll call you back. 133 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,029 Caddyshack. 134 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:15,530 Yeah. 135 00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,408 What do you got? 136 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:22,412 All right. I'll be right up. 137 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,997 - Noonan. - Yeah, Lou? 138 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,541 Take over for me. I'll be right back. 139 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,962 Joe, people. 140 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,802 So I jump ship in Hong Kong. . . 141 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,263 . ..and I make my way over to Tibet... 142 00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:43,266 . ..and I get on as a looper at a course in the Himalayas. 143 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,060 A looper? 144 00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:48,146 A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper. . . 145 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,314 . ..a jock. 146 00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:53,151 So I tell them I'm a pro jock and who do you think they give me? 147 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:58,573 The Dalai Lama himself. The twelfth son of the Lama. 148 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:03,161 The flowing robes, the grace, bald. . . 149 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:07,248 . ..striking. So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. 150 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:12,462 He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long. 151 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:15,965 Into a 10,000 foot crevice right at the base of this glacier. 152 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,552 - Do you know what the Lama says? - No. 153 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,555 [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 154 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:29,145 So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me. 155 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,815 And I say, "Hey, Lama! Hey! 156 00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:35,151 How about a little something, you know, for the effort?" 157 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:38,363 And he says, "Oh, there won't be any money... 158 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,450 . ..but when you die, on your deathbed. . . 159 00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:46,413 . ..you will receive total consciousness." 160 00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:52,669 So I got that going for me. Which is nice. 161 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,964 Your ball's right over there. Go straight and you can't miss it. 162 00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:59,634 Mrs. Havercamp. You go that way and it's right over-- 163 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:03,138 - Mrs.-- Mrs. Havercamp. You need this. - Oh, I might, at that. 164 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:04,639 Yeah. 165 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:14,232 Mr. Havercamp. Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over here, sir. 166 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,817 It's right there. 167 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,120 No, Mr. Havercamp, the green is right over there. It's that way. 168 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:31,082 Look, sir, just bend a little bit that way and swing away... 169 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:35,295 . ..and just straight up. That's fine. Great. 170 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,844 Wee! 171 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,513 That's a peach, hon. 172 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:51,060 Oh, golly, I'm hot today. 173 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,567 MAN: What'd they do, die on you, Tony? 174 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,282 I can't pay you. Lou has to. 175 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,201 - Where is he? - He's out. 176 00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,661 I can see that he's out, numbnuts. 177 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,706 Give me a Coke. 178 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,709 One Coke. 179 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:20,757 Hey, wait a minute. That's only 50 cents. 180 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,718 Lou raised the price of Coke. He's been losing at the track. 181 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:28,056 Ha, ha. Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents for no Coke! 182 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:31,559 [IMITATES TONY] Ha, ha. Then you ain't getting no Coke. 183 00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,394 Know what I'm talking about? 184 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,857 You've had it, Noonan. Come on, open up this door. 185 00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:40,735 - Open up this door! - Watch it, jerk! 186 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,487 Jerk? 187 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,574 - Come on out, Noonan! - Whoa! Bite it, baby. 188 00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:48,451 Hey, what's going on? 189 00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:50,578 Open up, Noonan. Come on. 190 00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:52,914 - Hey, Lou. - Out. 191 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,583 - Sure you don't need me for nothing? - No. 192 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,046 Hi, guy. 193 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,674 Oh. 194 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,427 Hey, I think you and I ought to go outside and have a little talk. 195 00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:08,346 - Talk? Okay. - Yeah. 196 00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:12,267 My friend, you have no idea how happy this is gonna make me. 197 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:15,979 - I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly. - I hope that means the both of us. 198 00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:18,189 Couldn't we just arm wrestle or something? 199 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,276 That's my brother! Come here. Give me a hand. 200 00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:24,571 - Whip his ass, Tony! - Okay, Noonan. 201 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:26,865 Now, who'd you say the jerk was, jerk? 202 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,367 CADDY: Get him! 203 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,411 [ALL YELLING] 204 00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:42,964 What is this? 205 00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,718 - What's the sign say? - No bare feet. 206 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,928 - What's that sign say? - No fighting. 207 00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,014 - What's it mean? - No fighting. 208 00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:54,893 You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? 209 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,855 Don't you see it? Well, pick it up! 210 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,650 I'm gonna put it right on the line. 211 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,986 There have been a lot of complaints already. 212 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,614 Fooling around on the course, bad language. . . 213 00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,450 . ..smoking grass, poor caddying. 214 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,577 So if you guys wanna get fired. . . 215 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,998 . ..if you wanna be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up. 216 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,458 One announcement: 217 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:23,087 Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack. 218 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,632 I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test. 219 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,968 However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid. 220 00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:31,054 CADDY: He was a brown nose, Lou. You hated him. 221 00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:32,764 Shut up. 222 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,017 That means the caddy scholarship is available again. . . 223 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,395 . ..and anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails. 224 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:40,813 And kiss his ass. 225 00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,899 That would help. 226 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,318 Let's move out. We got golfers waiting. 227 00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:48,196 Let's go. You, Angie, pick up that blood. 228 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:49,948 DANNY: Hey, Lou... 229 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:54,702 . ..what kind of grades do I need for this caddy scholarship deal? 230 00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,330 If you've been a good caddy, I think they're lenient. 231 00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:00,208 We're about to tee off now. So call the hospital... 232 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,586 . ..and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes. 233 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:07,006 What? Oh, well.... 234 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,550 Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there. . . 235 00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:12,679 . ..in four or five hours. Testing now. 236 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:16,599 Three, two, one, check. 237 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,519 Do you have any eights? 238 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,522 Don't you have homes? 239 00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:25,400 - Porterhouse? - Yes, sir. 240 00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:28,069 There's a brown Audi parked in my parking space. 241 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,613 Get a tow truck and have it hauled away immediately. 242 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:34,033 Right away, judge. Right away, sir. Yes, sir. 243 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,913 JUDGE: Oh, Porterhouse! - Yes, sir! Yes, sir, judge. Yes, sir. 244 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,541 Look at the wax build-up on those shoes. 245 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:44,252 This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off. 246 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,921 I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. . . 247 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:50,133 - . . .and I want them now. Chop-chop! - You've got them, judge. 248 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,510 Spaulding, get dressed. You're playing golf. 249 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,595 No, I'm not, Grandpa. I'm playing tennis. 250 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,764 You're playing golf and you'll like it. 251 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,934 - What about my asthma? - I'll give you asthma. 252 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,521 - Ty, what did you shoot today? - I don't keep score, judge. 253 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,357 Well, how do you measure yourself with other golfers? 254 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,067 By height. 255 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:12,447 You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. 256 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:15,241 He's been club champion for three years running... 257 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,160 . ..and I'm no slouch myself. 258 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:21,748 Don't sell yourself short, judge. You're a tremendous slouch. 259 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,084 Oh, say, Fred. 260 00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:27,086 Have you heard the one. . . 261 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:31,174 . ..about the Jew, the Catholic and the colored boy who went to heaven? 262 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,093 Yeah. 263 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:36,262 That's a doozy, judge. 264 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:39,140 Colored boy? Why, you son of a bitch. 265 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:41,809 I'll fix you, you little-- 266 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,395 Colored boy. 267 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:52,361 [MELODY PLAYS OVER HORN] 268 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,868 Here you are, kid. Park my car. Get my bags. 269 00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:01,037 And put on some weight, will you? 270 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:06,125 Hey, Wang, what's with the pictures? It's a parking lot! Come on, will you? 271 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:10,338 I think this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell them you're Jewish, okay? Fine. 272 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:13,007 I'm Al Czervik. I'm playing with Drew Scott today... 273 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:16,302 . ..and this is my guest, Mr. Wang. No offense. 274 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,513 Give me half a dozen of those Vulcan D-10s... 275 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,848 . ..and set my friend up with the whole schmeer. 276 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,767 You know, clubs, bags, shoes... 277 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,852 . ..gloves, shirt, pants. 278 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,813 Orange balls! I'll have a box of those. 279 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,439 A box of naked-lady tees. 280 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,817 And give me two of those. Give me six of those. 281 00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:33,528 This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. 282 00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:36,906 You buy a hat like this, I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? 283 00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,618 Oh, it looks good on you though. 284 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,209 Okay. Judge Smails, Smails III . .. 285 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,586 . ..Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering. Who wants it? 286 00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:53,464 - Yeah, I'll do it. Right here. - I'll take Smails if nobody wants him. 287 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:57,885 ALL: Oh! Brown nose. Brown nose. 288 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,514 LOU: Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper. MOTORMOUTH: Hey, thanks, Lou. 289 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,891 John, you take the Bish. 290 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:09,021 - This is ridiculous. Let me carry that one. - No, I can do it. 291 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,776 - You sure? - Yeah. 292 00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:42,972 - Oh. - Madonna with meatballs. 293 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,854 SPAULDING: Turds! 294 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,732 JUDGE: Spaulding! How many times have I told you about your language? 295 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,777 - Sorry, Grandpa. I forgot. - Lacey. 296 00:19:57,279 --> 00:20:00,865 Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. 297 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:04,118 Lacey's mother has sent her to us for the summer. 298 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:07,288 It must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan. 299 00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:10,458 Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time. 300 00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,001 Ah. 301 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,547 - Double turds! - Spaulding! 302 00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:18,299 Hey, so where do we tee off? 303 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,551 GUYS: Al. Al. - How are you? 304 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,595 We're all set to go. You know my friend? 305 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,890 - Sure, sure. - How you doing? Okay. Right, right. 306 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,475 Are we waiting for these guys? 307 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,811 Hey, whitey, where's your hat? 308 00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,497 Let's go, while we're young! 309 00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,540 You mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off. 310 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,543 I bet you slice it into the woods, a hundred bucks. 311 00:20:54,711 --> 00:21:00,341 Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice. 312 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,680 - Damn! - Okay, you can owe me. 313 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,598 I owe you nothing! 314 00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:12,937 DANNY: Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you? 315 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,232 - You want your driver? - No, he's not my type. 316 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,860 Hey, that's a joke. I'm kidding. Yeah, give me the driver, will you? 317 00:21:21,196 --> 00:21:24,198 All right, place your bets, place your bets. Here we are. 318 00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:31,706 - Don't count that. I was interfered with. - Yes, sir. 319 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:33,958 SPAULDING: Goddamn it! 320 00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:36,377 By the way, what did Mr. Webb shoot this morning? 321 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,837 He doesn't keep score, sir. 322 00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:40,589 - Yes, I know, but just guess. Eighty, 75? - Shit! 323 00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:43,050 More like 68, I think. 324 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,720 - I don't believe it. Really? - Damn it! 325 00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,888 - Oh, yes. - Shit! 326 00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:50,891 Why not improve your lie a little? 327 00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:54,020 - Yes, Yes. Winter rules. - Oh, yes. 328 00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:56,230 Double farts! 329 00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:57,732 Ah. 330 00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:02,028 - Fore! DANNY: That's a fine shot. 331 00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:06,657 Ah! Oh! 332 00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,576 I should have yelled "two." 333 00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:13,080 - Why don't we walk this off, sir? - Ooh. 334 00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:17,168 - What you got in here, rocks? - When I was your age. .. 335 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:21,589 . .. I would lug 50 pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs. 336 00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:24,967 - So what? - So what? 337 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,386 So let's dance! 338 00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:30,765 [ROCK MUSIC BLASTS] 339 00:22:32,976 --> 00:22:34,352 Bah! 340 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:35,728 Now what the devil--? 341 00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:42,068 The man's a menace. 342 00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:46,322 Cut that off! 343 00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:53,788 Music is a violation of our personal privacy. He's breaking the law. 344 00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:55,164 Really? 345 00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:57,375 I've always been fascinated with the law. 346 00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:58,793 Oh, really? What areas? 347 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,879 Oh, all areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes. 348 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,298 I planned to go to law school after I graduated. . . 349 00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:08,427 . ..but looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college. 350 00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:11,764 Well, the world needs ditchdiggers too. 351 00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,600 Nice try. 352 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:25,111 Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. 353 00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:28,072 How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? 354 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,951 Scum, slime, menace to the golfing industry. 355 00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:33,494 You're a disgrace. 356 00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:36,789 You're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain. 357 00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:39,291 You'll probably be replaced by the rat. 358 00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:44,672 Well, I have been pushed. 359 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,007 It's about time somebody teach these varmints. .. 360 00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:49,301 . ..a little lesson about morality.. . 361 00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:54,014 . ..and about what it's like to be a decent upstanding member of a society. 362 00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:58,269 Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl. 363 00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:01,063 Ah! 364 00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:05,067 Okay. I guess we're playing for keeps now. 365 00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:07,695 I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh? 366 00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:11,490 I guess it's just a matter now of pumping 15,000 gallons of water down there.. . 367 00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:16,328 . ..to teach you a little bit of a lesson. Is that it? I think it is! 368 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,629 Oh. 369 00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:30,718 - You guys are brothers, huh? - Yeah. 370 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,345 What is this, a family business or what? 371 00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:36,724 You know, they say for Italians this is skilled labor, you know that? 372 00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:38,726 No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. 373 00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:42,438 My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week. 374 00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:47,568 Oh, you're a funny kid, you know. What time you due back in Boys Town? 375 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,613 Here we are now. 376 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:53,073 Albert Einstein gave me this, you know. 377 00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:56,243 Yeah. Nice man, nice man. 378 00:24:56,453 --> 00:24:57,495 [RAPID BEEPING] 379 00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:59,788 Made a fortune in physics. 380 00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:02,416 Boom! ALL: All right! Hey! 381 00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:05,377 I'll tell you, son, my main satisfaction... 382 00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:10,382 . ..is working with young people like yourself at our new Youtheran Center. 383 00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:12,426 Why don't you drop by some time? 384 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:14,762 I've often thought of entering the priesthood. 385 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:18,557 Oh, are you Roman Catholic? 386 00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:23,479 Oh, then I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come. 387 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:27,107 Go for it. 388 00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:30,402 You know, I've often thought of becoming a golf club. 389 00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:34,657 Not bad, huh? I'll have 2,000 more units in the next two years. 390 00:25:35,116 --> 00:25:37,493 I bet they'd love a great shopping mall right here. 391 00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:40,120 Condos over there. Plenty of parking. 392 00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:44,375 I'll tell you, country clubs and cemeteries, biggest wastes of prime real estate. 393 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:48,546 Dead people. They don't wanna be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? 394 00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,923 Ask Wang, he'll tell you. We bought property. .. 395 00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:54,093 . ..right behind the Great Wall. On the good side. 396 00:25:57,847 --> 00:25:59,056 I want a hamburger. 397 00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:02,142 No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. 398 00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:04,019 I want a milkshake. 399 00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:07,231 - I want potato-- - You'll get nothing and like it! 400 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,241 Danny. Danny, stop it. The judge will see you. 401 00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:18,826 You going out with me tonight? 402 00:26:18,994 --> 00:26:22,204 Yeah, up to my room? I gotta work in the dining room tonight. 403 00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,248 Come work with me! You can bus tables. 404 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,041 - I've never done that. - It's easy. 405 00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:29,086 You fill the water glass, you replace the butter. 406 00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:31,213 If they drop a fork, you give them another. 407 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,340 I don't think I can handle that. 408 00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:37,344 ALL: All right! 409 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,972 Put me down for five. 410 00:26:42,517 --> 00:26:46,562 Now, if I can just make this one. 411 00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:56,614 Hey, Smails! 412 00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:58,699 A thousand bucks, you miss that putt. 413 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,868 Of all the nerve! 414 00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:03,037 MAN 1: Come here. MAN 2: What'd he say? 415 00:27:04,873 --> 00:27:08,042 MAN 3: They're betting. WOMAN: He has $1000 for the challenge. 416 00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:14,882 ALL: Aw. MAN 4: Missed it. 417 00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:17,801 You! You! You! 418 00:27:19,929 --> 00:27:21,180 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 419 00:27:22,098 --> 00:27:23,557 WOMAN 2: Oh, my God! 420 00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:24,725 [CRASHING] 421 00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:26,226 Jeez. 422 00:27:28,271 --> 00:27:30,189 - I did not throw it! - If you didn't. . . 423 00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:32,316 - . . .how did it get here? - It slipped! 424 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,068 - Slipped! - What's the problem? 425 00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:36,236 He almost killed my wife with his damn club! 426 00:27:36,404 --> 00:27:38,864 It was an accident. It slipped out of my hands. 427 00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:41,742 I noticed your grips were worn. I should have mentioned it. 428 00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:44,745 I could put some stickum on there for you. It's my fault. 429 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:49,249 Uh. It's a good idea. Next time be more careful! 430 00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:53,837 Kids! What are you gonna do? Look, I'm terribly sorry this happened. 431 00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:58,926 I'll pay for your lunch and I'll pay for the umbrella. 432 00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:02,596 Danny, I'll see you at the table. I'll sign your card. 433 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:03,764 Sir. 434 00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:17,361 Thanks for helping me. You're a good caddy. Something to be very proud of. 435 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:22,241 Hey, you know we're giving another caddy scholarship this year? 436 00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:25,661 Yes. I heard something about that, sir, but my grades in high school... 437 00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:27,121 . ..weren't that outstanding. 438 00:28:27,288 --> 00:28:29,331 There are more important things than grades. 439 00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:32,501 Winning the caddy tournament, for instance. 440 00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:35,379 It might look pretty good on a young fella's application. 441 00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:38,465 - I'm sure gonna try, sir. - This is for you. 442 00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,467 You tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him. 443 00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:43,470 He's as good as he says he is, he's gotta play me to prove it. 444 00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:44,722 Okay, I will, sir. 445 00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:47,599 - Good boy. Good boy. - Thank you. Thank you. 446 00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:52,646 [CARL HUMMING] 447 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:07,161 Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. 448 00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:10,122 Man free to kill gophers at will. 449 00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:12,040 To kill, you must know your enemy. 450 00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:15,127 In this case, my enemy is a varmint. 451 00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:17,588 And a varmint will never quit. 452 00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:20,799 Ever. They're like the Viet Cong. 453 00:29:20,967 --> 00:29:22,801 Varmint Cong. 454 00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:25,846 So what you gotta do, you gotta fall back... 455 00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:28,223 . ..on superior firepower... 456 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,894 . ..and superior intelligence. 457 00:29:33,688 --> 00:29:35,439 And that's all she wrote. 458 00:29:36,483 --> 00:29:37,775 [CHATTERING] 459 00:29:38,151 --> 00:29:40,778 [MUSIC PLAYS] 460 00:29:59,005 --> 00:30:02,216 - You gonna eat your fat? - Spaulding. 461 00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,968 You're looking lovely this evening, Mrs. Smails. 462 00:30:05,136 --> 00:30:07,304 Why, thank you, doctor. 463 00:30:07,722 --> 00:30:10,891 Lacey, you'd be interested to know this uniform was given to me. . . 464 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,811 . ..by the captain of the links of St. Andrews from Scotland. 465 00:30:13,978 --> 00:30:16,647 They invented the game there, except they call it "gof". . . 466 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,816 . ..without the "L" as we do. 467 00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,400 LACEY: I think I have enough butter. 468 00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:23,237 - Right. If you need any more. . . . - Sure. 469 00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:28,033 When Mona died last winter, I said to myself: 470 00:30:28,201 --> 00:30:30,786 "Al, if you keep busting your hump 16, 20 hours a day. . . 471 00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:33,747 . ..you'll end up with a $60 million funeral." 472 00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:37,376 Hey, doll, could you scare up another round for our table? 473 00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:40,212 And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food. All right? 474 00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:42,840 - Here, take this for yourself. Okay? - Thank you, sir. 475 00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:45,592 I had better food at the ball game, you know. 476 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,720 This steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it. 477 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,808 Anyway, today I just stick to real estate. 478 00:30:52,976 --> 00:30:55,310 With this market, if you own anything but land. .. 479 00:30:55,478 --> 00:30:56,854 . ..you own a popcorn fart. 480 00:30:58,106 --> 00:30:59,523 [FARTS] 481 00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:03,193 Oh, did somebody step on a duck? 482 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,950 Ain't that right, sir? 483 00:31:10,743 --> 00:31:13,495 The graveyard is two blocks to the left, okay? 484 00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:15,622 Dog food?! 485 00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:18,834 I'll show him dog food! 486 00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:24,298 Hey, where's the bar? Let's have some drinks here. 487 00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:27,050 Hey, waiter, here. This is for you, all right? 488 00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:30,637 Oh, Captain Hook! How about the grand you owe me? 489 00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:33,348 Forget about it. I'm just kidding. All right. 490 00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:36,685 This is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you're all right. 491 00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:39,813 You must have been something before electricity, huh? 492 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:43,984 Hey, doll, how are you, huh? You live alone? 493 00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:47,446 Hey, rabbi, nice seeing you. Folks, how are you? 494 00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:49,823 And this is your grandson, huh? A wonderful boy. 495 00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,992 Nice boy. He's a good boy, I'll tell you. 496 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:55,370 Now I know why tigers eat their young, you know. 497 00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:01,335 Woo! The dance of the living dead! 498 00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:03,795 - I know why you came here tonight. - Why? 499 00:32:03,963 --> 00:32:07,382 That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind. 500 00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:10,010 She's been plucked more times than the rose of Tralee. 501 00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:13,347 Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue I'm told. 502 00:32:13,514 --> 00:32:14,514 Oh. 503 00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:15,974 [CHITTERING] 504 00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:36,620 Pay no attention to that bush moving around there by that tree. 505 00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:39,998 It's just a bush. Nothing even to look twice at. 506 00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:42,000 Nothing to be alarmed about. 507 00:32:45,588 --> 00:32:47,756 This looks like it could be gravy. 508 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:49,257 Uh-oh. 509 00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:53,929 All right. 510 00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:05,816 I smell varmint poontang... 511 00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:07,859 . ..and the only good varmint poontang... 512 00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:12,072 . ..is dead varmint poontang, I think. 513 00:33:15,994 --> 00:33:17,494 TOM: You gotta get out on a ball. 514 00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:22,374 AL: Tom, I'll show you places you can go. - Where you gonna take me? 515 00:33:26,295 --> 00:33:29,506 Ty! Ty, come over here! 516 00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:33,051 - Ty, hi, how are you? TY: How are you? 517 00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:36,304 - Hi. - Ty, there's someone you must meet. 518 00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:38,098 Al Czervik, Ty Webb. 519 00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:40,308 Al built our condo in Palm Beach. 520 00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:43,353 I need a drink. Nice meeting you. I'll see you. Take it easy. 521 00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:45,230 See you in a bit, Al. 522 00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:48,358 Heads up, but I think someone's giving you the big eyes. 523 00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:50,277 Oh, I remember her. 524 00:33:56,117 --> 00:33:58,744 Hey, can you make a bullshot? 525 00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:00,871 - Can you make a shoe smell? - Very funny. 526 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,582 Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Take this. 527 00:34:03,750 --> 00:34:06,668 - Thanks. - What people here. Look at that one. 528 00:34:06,836 --> 00:34:09,838 The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. 529 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:19,514 So what brings you to this nape of the woods? Neck of the "wape"? 530 00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:23,143 - How come you're here? - Daddy wanted to broaden me. 531 00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:26,813 In this place? Good luck. 532 00:34:27,231 --> 00:34:29,024 What do you do for excitement? 533 00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:32,778 Oh, I . . .play a lot of golf. 534 00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:34,738 Golf? 535 00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:37,949 Nixon plays golf. 536 00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:41,161 Bet you got a lot of stories about your ball landing in the road. 537 00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:45,040 So, what do you do? 538 00:34:45,458 --> 00:34:50,337 Oh, I enjoy...skinny-skiing. . . 539 00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:52,631 . ..going to bullfights on acid. 540 00:34:58,304 --> 00:35:01,556 I bet you got a lot of nice ties. 541 00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:05,352 What do you mean? 542 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:10,148 You wanna tie me up with some of your ties, Ty? 543 00:35:12,693 --> 00:35:15,028 - I've got a good idea. - What? 544 00:35:15,321 --> 00:35:17,531 Let's pretend. .. 545 00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:19,407 . ..we're real human beings. 546 00:35:20,535 --> 00:35:21,952 Freeze, gopher! 547 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,537 [GUNSHOT] 548 00:35:43,099 --> 00:35:44,558 Ugh. 549 00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,990 [RETCHING] 550 00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:06,663 Elihu, who is that disgusting man over there? 551 00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:09,082 I tell you, I never saw dead people smoke before. 552 00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:11,793 A guest of the Scotts. 553 00:36:13,421 --> 00:36:15,172 What do you say we bust up this joint, huh? 554 00:36:15,339 --> 00:36:16,631 ALL: Yeah. 555 00:36:16,799 --> 00:36:18,925 Hey, you two should get a room, you know? 556 00:36:19,093 --> 00:36:21,011 Hey, Ringo, play something hot, will you? 557 00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:22,846 And you guys. . . 558 00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:25,015 . ..take some more lessons. 559 00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,934 [BAND PLAYS JAZZY MUSIC] 560 00:36:32,273 --> 00:36:35,108 Hey, judge, give someone else a chance. You lucky devil! 561 00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:39,446 Come here, honey. And hey, loosen up, will you? You're a lot of woman, you know? 562 00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:42,324 Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way? 563 00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:46,119 You! You! You're no gentleman! 564 00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:48,246 I'm no doorknob either, all right? 565 00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:51,082 I never wanna see that man here again! 566 00:37:03,679 --> 00:37:05,222 [SQUISHES] 567 00:37:07,516 --> 00:37:08,516 [COUGHING] 568 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,153 Wait up, girls. I got a salami I gotta hide still. 569 00:37:20,321 --> 00:37:24,824 Carl! I told you, today is the day we change the holes. 570 00:37:24,992 --> 00:37:27,661 Do it now! With no more slacking off! 571 00:37:27,828 --> 00:37:30,580 I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner. 572 00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:34,501 I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena. 573 00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:39,089 Oh, man in a boat overboard. 574 00:37:40,758 --> 00:37:43,843 You beast, you savage. 575 00:37:44,011 --> 00:37:45,679 Come on, bark like a dog for me. 576 00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:50,600 Bark like a dog. I will teach you the meaning of the word "respect." 577 00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:56,523 Mr. Webb. 578 00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:00,277 I just gotta win that caddy tournament. 579 00:38:00,861 --> 00:38:02,904 I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship. 580 00:38:03,072 --> 00:38:05,824 - What do you wanna go to college for? - I don't know. 581 00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:07,951 Let me tell you a story. 582 00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:11,329 I knew a guy who could have been a great golfer. Could have gone pro. 583 00:38:11,497 --> 00:38:14,165 All he needed was a little time and some practice. 584 00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:16,751 He decided to go to college instead. 585 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,297 He went for four years. Did pretty well. 586 00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:24,217 At the end of his four years, the last semester, he was kicked out. 587 00:38:24,385 --> 00:38:26,428 You know what for? 588 00:38:26,804 --> 00:38:30,015 He was night-putting. Just putting at night. .. 589 00:38:30,182 --> 00:38:32,517 . ..with the 15-year-old daughter of the dean. 590 00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,106 You know who that guy was, Danny? 591 00:38:38,691 --> 00:38:39,691 No. 592 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:42,777 - Take one good guess. - Bob Hope. 593 00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:46,573 No, no. 594 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,700 No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein. 595 00:38:49,076 --> 00:38:51,661 My roommate. He's a good guy. 596 00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,164 Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny. 597 00:38:55,916 --> 00:38:58,752 The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote: 598 00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:02,589 "A flute with no holes is not a flute.. . 599 00:39:04,091 --> 00:39:07,177 . ..and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish." He was a funny guy. 600 00:39:07,345 --> 00:39:09,387 [MAKING SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN NOISE] 601 00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:24,652 You missed just that one. 602 00:39:24,820 --> 00:39:28,615 In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points... 603 00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:32,619 . ..is a straight line in the opposite direction, Danny. 604 00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:36,581 - Unbelievable. - Thank you very little. 605 00:39:51,138 --> 00:39:53,973 Noonan, D'Annunzio, Mitchell, you're on the tee. 606 00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:55,350 CROWD: Shh. 607 00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:00,021 MAN 1: Here's a power hitter. 608 00:40:03,567 --> 00:40:04,734 CROWD: Oh. 609 00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:06,111 [APPLAUSE] 610 00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:07,737 Nice form. 611 00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:10,323 - Nice form. - Good luck, sucker. 612 00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:19,416 [CHATTERING] 613 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,554 MAN 2: Nice one. Very nice. WOMAN: Very good. Yeah. 614 00:40:43,190 --> 00:40:44,691 CROWD: Aw . 615 00:40:46,819 --> 00:40:48,570 Ah, shit! 616 00:40:48,737 --> 00:40:51,948 No, no, nice shot. Right on the beach. 617 00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:58,746 Okay, Danny, this is for the gold. 618 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:04,627 You ain't got it today, Noonan. 619 00:41:05,254 --> 00:41:09,132 - Miss it, Noonan. Miss. - Noonan! Noonan! 620 00:41:09,300 --> 00:41:10,550 Stop it. 621 00:41:11,469 --> 00:41:15,054 TONY: Miss it, Noonan. Miss! ANGIE: Noonan! Noonan! 622 00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:17,515 - Miss it, miss it! - Miss it! 623 00:41:18,934 --> 00:41:20,477 [YELLS] 624 00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:34,199 Excellent round, son. 625 00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:36,826 - Excellent round! Topnotch, topnotch! - Thank you. 626 00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,536 Thank you, sir. Thank you. 627 00:41:38,704 --> 00:41:42,582 Say, I'm having a little party at the Yacht Club this Sunday. 628 00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:44,250 - I'm christening my new sloop. - Ah. 629 00:41:44,418 --> 00:41:46,377 - What are you doing this Sunday? - I have. .. 630 00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:47,879 - . . .no plans. - Great! 631 00:41:48,047 --> 00:41:50,256 How'd you like to mow my lawn, eh? 632 00:41:50,758 --> 00:41:54,886 I figure a college-bound fellow could use a few extra dollars, huh? 633 00:41:55,054 --> 00:41:57,472 And when you've finished... 634 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,058 . ..why don't you drop by the Yacht Club? 635 00:42:00,226 --> 00:42:02,477 Oh, thank you, sir. 636 00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:06,147 - All right. All right. - Smile. 637 00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:10,443 GIRL: Great. Great. 638 00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:13,947 Thank you. Thank you. Maggie, how about we go swimming? 639 00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:17,492 I don't have the swimwear. Besides, I've never swum. 640 00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:19,202 I'll teach you. 641 00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:22,580 Why don't you come on in and help me sort me holy cards first? 642 00:42:28,462 --> 00:42:32,674 Now, Maggie's pants. 643 00:43:07,251 --> 00:43:08,251 [CHATTERING] 644 00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:13,798 Let's get wet! 645 00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:19,721 [BLOWING WHISTLE] 646 00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:28,855 LIFEGUARD: You better cool it, pencil-neck. Don't make me come down there. 647 00:43:29,481 --> 00:43:31,316 You, that's who. 648 00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:41,075 Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water. 649 00:43:41,243 --> 00:43:42,910 That's it! 650 00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:46,539 Let go of me. 651 00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:00,553 You put your suit on! 652 00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:02,972 You shave your ass! 653 00:44:22,242 --> 00:44:24,786 Hi, Maggie. How was it? 654 00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:27,080 How was what? 655 00:44:28,540 --> 00:44:30,833 I guess it couldn't have been that great then. 656 00:44:31,043 --> 00:44:33,503 Oh, a lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio. 657 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,089 All right, stand up. 658 00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:40,259 All right. Okay. 659 00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:47,767 TONY: She's incredible. 660 00:44:58,696 --> 00:44:59,946 [CLEARS THROAT] 661 00:45:24,096 --> 00:45:25,304 [GUYS CHEERING] 662 00:45:27,683 --> 00:45:29,976 GUY: Let me just squirt into the side of the pool. 663 00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:36,858 Come on, over here. 664 00:45:39,653 --> 00:45:41,487 Hi, mama. 665 00:46:23,697 --> 00:46:24,781 [WHISTLE BLOWS] 666 00:46:25,491 --> 00:46:26,824 Hey, you guys, cool it! 667 00:46:26,992 --> 00:46:28,826 Hey! Hey, cut that out! 668 00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:30,995 I mean it, n--! 669 00:46:32,372 --> 00:46:33,581 [CADDIES CHEERING] 670 00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:45,051 - Want some? - Oh, give me some. 671 00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:46,969 - Who asked you? - Come on, I'm asking. 672 00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:48,930 - Would you please--? - Get out of here. 673 00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:54,727 Hey, thanks a lot. 674 00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:19,126 Stop that, you two! All of you! 675 00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:21,504 I want you out of that pool at once! 676 00:47:21,672 --> 00:47:22,922 Out you go, you understand? 677 00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:26,717 I don't want to see another caddy body in this pool. All of you. 678 00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:30,096 Did you understand what I said? Out. Oh, Lacey. 679 00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,891 Take your hands off her. Put your clothes back on, my dear. 680 00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:36,018 Out! I said, out! Didn't you hear me? 681 00:47:36,186 --> 00:47:37,854 Doodie! Doodie! 682 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:41,232 [SCREAMING] 683 00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:44,652 Don't touch it! 684 00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,165 Spaulding, no! 685 00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:03,421 Doodie! 686 00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:13,806 Yeah, well, if you find anything that does look like a fecal remnant. . . . 687 00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:18,477 I want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected. 688 00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:29,530 Here it is! 689 00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:32,033 Oh. 690 00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:36,329 It's no big deal. 691 00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:05,816 [GONG RINGS] 692 00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:10,613 - Well, hello. Surprise, surprise, surprise. - Hi. 693 00:49:10,989 --> 00:49:12,907 - Busy? - No, come on in. 694 00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:14,325 Go ahead. That's nothing. 695 00:49:14,493 --> 00:49:17,203 I tried calling, but there's no listing for Mr. Wonderful. 696 00:49:17,412 --> 00:49:19,372 What spelling did you use? 697 00:49:19,539 --> 00:49:22,333 Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here. 698 00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:26,379 - I'm getting ready for the season. - What, duck? 699 00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:28,631 No, no. Dolphin. 700 00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:31,300 Would you like a drink? Tuna colada, perhaps? 701 00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:35,554 Anything, anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana? 702 00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:38,766 No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam. 703 00:49:38,934 --> 00:49:40,893 You were in the war? 704 00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:43,896 Oh, no. 705 00:49:44,773 --> 00:49:46,148 Homo. 706 00:49:47,609 --> 00:49:49,276 Much better now though. 707 00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:56,158 Here's an uncashed check for $70,000. 708 00:49:56,493 --> 00:49:57,868 Keep it. 709 00:49:58,036 --> 00:50:02,289 There's a bunch of them. And a summons. 710 00:50:02,833 --> 00:50:04,291 It's yours. 711 00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:07,211 Pretty pathetic, Ty. 712 00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:11,090 Pathetic? Maybe you, Lacey. 713 00:50:11,258 --> 00:50:14,802 For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do. 714 00:50:14,970 --> 00:50:18,764 - I have my own standards, my own way. - My uncle says you got a screw loose. 715 00:50:18,932 --> 00:50:20,933 Oh, yeah? Your uncle molests collies. 716 00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:24,562 - You're rather. . . - What? 717 00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:27,690 . ..attractive for... 718 00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:30,943 . ..a beautiful girl with a great body. 719 00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:34,822 Well, hey! 720 00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,451 Yeah. 721 00:50:52,758 --> 00:50:54,967 - Sing me a love song. - I'm gonna. 722 00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:56,343 - Yeah? - Mm-hm. 723 00:50:57,471 --> 00:51:00,389 - This stuff's terrible. - It's good. You don't know how to do it. 724 00:51:00,557 --> 00:51:02,558 - How do I do it? - I'm gonna show you. 725 00:51:02,726 --> 00:51:04,226 [SNORTS] 726 00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:06,854 Ah. 727 00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:09,065 SINGS I was born 728 00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:10,483 To love you 729 00:51:10,650 --> 00:51:13,944 I was born To lick your face 730 00:51:14,112 --> 00:51:17,573 I was born To rub you 731 00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:19,992 But you were born To rub me first 732 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:23,287 Let's go into the patio room. 733 00:51:23,747 --> 00:51:25,081 Woo! 734 00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:36,592 Know what this is called in the East? 735 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:39,220 - What? - It's a big rub. 736 00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:43,265 You have very. . . . Very small breasts. 737 00:51:43,683 --> 00:51:46,393 Just kidding. Come on. Work my way down. 738 00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:48,020 This is the Isle of Wight. 739 00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:51,941 Careful. I'm gonna move right down the Taconic Parkway. .. 740 00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:54,193 . ..over to your "clavula". . . . 741 00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:56,195 Will you get serious? 742 00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:58,948 - That's a very "in" thing to say. - Yes, I know. 743 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:00,616 [MUMBLES] 744 00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:03,702 - Ow, that hurts! - It's all right. You're blocking. 745 00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:07,164 You're blocking, you're blocking. Just hold on to your chakras. 746 00:52:07,332 --> 00:52:09,792 Just get a little more oil on us. 747 00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,585 There you go. Uh-oh. 748 00:52:11,753 --> 00:52:15,548 Now I've done it. Let me get that away from you. Oh, sorry. 749 00:52:15,715 --> 00:52:17,216 It's like reaching under the rug. 750 00:52:17,384 --> 00:52:18,509 - There. - You're crazy! 751 00:52:18,677 --> 00:52:20,553 They said that about Son of Sam. Know something? 752 00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:24,974 - What? - I'm a very qualified acupuncturist. 753 00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:28,144 - Don't even think about it. - I'm just gonna eat these. 754 00:52:28,311 --> 00:52:31,689 I want you to know about it. It's like acupressure, but it's acupuncture. 755 00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:34,984 The slightest prick and you wouldn't even know it-- 756 00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:37,903 - I'll kill you! - No, no. I did not do that. 757 00:52:38,822 --> 00:52:41,407 See? You feel looser? 758 00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:44,118 - Listen. - I feel like a hundred dollars. 759 00:52:46,580 --> 00:52:49,206 Forget the massage, okay? 760 00:52:49,374 --> 00:52:51,750 And just kiss me, you fool. 761 00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,547 - Slipping. - Let go of my neck. 762 00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:20,696 [COUGHING] 763 00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:22,740 What kind of shit is this? 764 00:53:22,908 --> 00:53:26,452 It's the best, man. I got it from a Negro. 765 00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:29,288 You're probably so high already you don't even know it. 766 00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:30,789 Probably. 767 00:53:32,292 --> 00:53:34,627 Oh, wow. 768 00:53:35,754 --> 00:53:38,005 He looks like Dick Cavett. 769 00:53:46,181 --> 00:53:48,140 Hey, man, save me a toke. 770 00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:49,308 [BEEPING] 771 00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:50,809 Gotta do my doctor thing. 772 00:53:50,977 --> 00:53:52,228 [BUZZING] 773 00:53:53,563 --> 00:53:55,147 Oh, wow. 774 00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:59,026 All right, everybody. It's time to christen the sloop. 775 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:04,073 Come along, children. You can shake your booties down on the dock. 776 00:54:07,661 --> 00:54:12,957 Ahoy, polloi. Where did you just come from, a Scotch ad? 777 00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:14,333 Eat it, Spaulding. 778 00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:18,003 My, what a nice looking young man. You're from Bushwood, aren't you? 779 00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:20,881 - Yes, ma'am. - He's not a member, Grandma. 780 00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,509 - He's a caddy. - Judge Smails invited me at the club. 781 00:54:23,677 --> 00:54:26,512 Of course. You're the young man who wants to be in the Senate. 782 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:27,721 That's right. 783 00:54:27,889 --> 00:54:30,266 Well, you two look like a couple of boogies. 784 00:54:30,433 --> 00:54:32,768 Why don't you just scamper along now. 785 00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:34,853 May I escort you out, ma'am? 786 00:54:35,021 --> 00:54:38,899 Hold on, son. Are you trying to make time with my best girl, huh? 787 00:54:39,359 --> 00:54:42,569 I want you to meet Chuck Schick. He's clerking for me this summer... 788 00:54:42,737 --> 00:54:44,321 . ..till he passes the bar. 789 00:54:44,489 --> 00:54:47,449 Well, see you on deck, senator. 790 00:54:51,371 --> 00:54:53,205 Well, I'm going to law school too. 791 00:54:53,373 --> 00:54:55,541 Really? Are you going to Harvard? 792 00:54:55,709 --> 00:54:58,752 - No. St. Copius of northern... . - Where? 793 00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:02,548 Hey, Cary Grant. You wanna get high? 794 00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:04,925 Wait a minute. I've only got a little. 795 00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:09,138 - Then split. Okay, Terry? - Sure. 796 00:55:09,764 --> 00:55:11,390 Bye, Chuck. 797 00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:18,731 Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh? 798 00:55:18,898 --> 00:55:21,066 - Depends on what's underneath. - Ooh. 799 00:55:21,234 --> 00:55:22,693 Come on. 800 00:55:24,112 --> 00:55:28,907 I've got a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. 801 00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:31,035 Spaulding, get your foot off the boat. 802 00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:36,874 It's easy to grin When your ship comes in 803 00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:39,835 And you've got The stock market beat 804 00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:45,090 But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile 805 00:55:45,258 --> 00:55:47,926 When his shorts Are too tight in the seat 806 00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:53,265 Okay, Pookie, do the honors. 807 00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:57,269 Bless this ship and all who sail on her. 808 00:55:57,437 --> 00:56:01,607 I christen thee, The Flying Wasp. 809 00:56:04,819 --> 00:56:06,987 This is your fate line. 810 00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:10,074 You're gonna make a lot of money when you're older. 811 00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,534 Oh, yeah? When? How? 812 00:56:13,536 --> 00:56:17,289 Could be in the market or on a game show. 813 00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:20,542 And this.. . . 814 00:56:21,544 --> 00:56:24,755 - This is your saliva line. - What's it tell? 815 00:56:24,923 --> 00:56:27,174 How hot I can get you. 816 00:56:30,470 --> 00:56:33,806 Well, don't just stand there. Go get some glue! 817 00:56:33,973 --> 00:56:35,516 Hey! My buddy! 818 00:56:35,683 --> 00:56:39,686 Full steam ahead. Over there. I wanna go over there! 819 00:56:40,313 --> 00:56:42,564 Move over, Swanson. I'm driving. 820 00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:45,984 Whoa! 821 00:56:47,779 --> 00:56:49,154 AL: Hey, Smails. . . 822 00:56:49,322 --> 00:56:52,157 - . . .my dinghy's bigger than your whole boat! - It's him. 823 00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:54,993 Save me a parking place, I'm coming in. 824 00:57:02,627 --> 00:57:04,795 Heave off! Heave off! 825 00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:08,757 Get back, you idiot! Brace yourselves! 826 00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:12,678 ALL: Whoa! 827 00:57:20,186 --> 00:57:22,271 I almost got head from Amelia Earhart. 828 00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:31,071 What's this, Hell's Angels? 829 00:57:47,172 --> 00:57:48,547 Reverse, reverse. 830 00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:55,220 [SCREAMING] 831 00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:07,983 [HONKING] 832 00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,861 What the hell are you--? Watch it. 833 00:58:12,405 --> 00:58:14,615 Back! 834 00:58:14,782 --> 00:58:16,492 Which way is backward? 835 00:58:17,952 --> 00:58:19,161 Stop! Stop! 836 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,788 Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! 837 00:58:21,956 --> 00:58:23,248 Okay, drop anchor. 838 00:58:30,256 --> 00:58:32,090 Hey, you scratched my anchor. 839 00:59:14,384 --> 00:59:18,470 I just want you to know that, you know, because of this... 840 00:59:18,638 --> 00:59:21,306 . ..you don't have to stop seeing other people. 841 00:59:28,940 --> 00:59:31,900 There you go. Let's see. 842 00:59:32,068 --> 00:59:37,656 Oh, it looks absolutely perfect. 843 00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:53,755 Aha! 844 00:59:54,382 --> 00:59:57,718 - You! - Your robe, Your Honor. 845 00:59:59,429 --> 01:00:00,429 [YELLS] 846 01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:02,264 Oh! Pl-- Help! 847 01:00:03,349 --> 01:00:05,726 MAN: We've been invited home. 848 01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,689 [SCREAMING] 849 01:00:14,235 --> 01:00:15,777 Thanks. Thanks a lot. 850 01:00:20,450 --> 01:00:22,200 Are we still having tea? 851 01:00:24,412 --> 01:00:25,912 [POUNDING ON DOOR] 852 01:00:28,124 --> 01:00:29,374 MRS. SMAILS: Elihu. . . 853 01:00:29,542 --> 01:00:31,668 . ..would you come and loofa my stretch marks? 854 01:00:31,836 --> 01:00:33,045 [RETCHES] 855 01:00:39,594 --> 01:00:41,011 Aha. 856 01:00:53,066 --> 01:00:55,317 That must be the tea. 857 01:01:00,114 --> 01:01:01,782 What an incredible Cinderella story. 858 01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:06,536 This unknown comes out of nowhere to lead the pack. . . 859 01:01:06,704 --> 01:01:10,040 . ..at Augusta. He's on his final hole. 860 01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:15,170 He's about 455 yards away. He's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think. 861 01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,884 Well, he got all of that. 862 01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:23,428 The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. 863 01:01:23,596 --> 01:01:25,597 The normally reserved Augusta crowd. . . 864 01:01:26,349 --> 01:01:28,100 . ..is going wild. 865 01:01:28,434 --> 01:01:30,435 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 866 01:01:31,729 --> 01:01:34,481 For this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. . . 867 01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:36,817 . ..he's got about 350 yards left. 868 01:01:36,984 --> 01:01:39,945 He's gonna hit about a 5-iron, I expect. Don't you think? 869 01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:45,200 He's got a beautiful backswing. That's-- Oh, he got all of that one! 870 01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:49,663 He's gotta be pleased with that. The crowd is just on its feet here. 871 01:01:49,831 --> 01:01:52,207 He's a Cinderella boy. 872 01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:55,460 Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. 873 01:01:55,628 --> 01:01:58,714 He's got about 195 yards left and he's gonna-- 874 01:01:58,881 --> 01:02:02,634 Looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent. 875 01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:05,137 Cinderella story. Out of nowhere. 876 01:02:05,304 --> 01:02:10,142 A former greenskeeper now about to become the Masters champion. 877 01:02:12,353 --> 01:02:14,896 It looks like a mirac-- It's in the hole! 878 01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:17,149 - It's in the hole! BlSHOP: Hey, young fella. . . 879 01:02:17,316 --> 01:02:20,736 . .. I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes before this rain starts. 880 01:02:22,321 --> 01:02:23,613 Certainly, Your Eminency. 881 01:02:23,865 --> 01:02:27,492 - Take my bag, huh? - Certainly, Your Magnificence. 882 01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:30,162 Okay, come on. Chop-chop. 883 01:02:30,913 --> 01:02:32,622 Let's go. 884 01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:47,846 You better put this on. That's a great shot. 885 01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:49,514 Eureka! 886 01:02:49,724 --> 01:02:53,602 I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir. You're really clubbing it. 887 01:02:53,770 --> 01:02:55,562 We better start moving. 888 01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:07,032 Did you see that? Miracle, eh? 889 01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:10,118 Nice shot, bishop. You must've made a deal with the devil. 890 01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:14,414 You know, I could break the club record, theoretically. 891 01:03:14,582 --> 01:03:16,541 You better come in until this blows over. 892 01:03:24,884 --> 01:03:27,969 - Well, what do you think, fella? - I'd keep playing. 893 01:03:28,137 --> 01:03:30,722 I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while. 894 01:03:30,890 --> 01:03:31,890 You're right. 895 01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:35,352 Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt. . . 896 01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:37,896 . ..the best game of my life! 897 01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:39,940 [THUNDER CRASHING] 898 01:03:46,239 --> 01:03:49,324 I'm infallible, young fella! 899 01:03:55,623 --> 01:03:58,375 Come on, one more hole! 900 01:04:11,180 --> 01:04:13,598 Oh, rat farts! 901 01:04:15,059 --> 01:04:17,269 [SCREAMS] 902 01:04:39,333 --> 01:04:41,334 [DANNY WHIMPERING] 903 01:04:44,714 --> 01:04:46,214 Danny? 904 01:04:47,466 --> 01:04:49,634 - Hi, Maggie. - Hi. 905 01:04:51,304 --> 01:04:54,139 - You're here early. - Yeah. 906 01:04:54,891 --> 01:04:58,184 Yeah, I.... I kind of slept here last night. 907 01:05:01,314 --> 01:05:04,524 Oh, Maggie. 908 01:05:05,651 --> 01:05:07,319 I'm in big trouble. 909 01:05:07,486 --> 01:05:12,157 Oh, yeah? Me too. I'm late. 910 01:05:12,867 --> 01:05:16,411 - Late for what? - For not being pregnant. 911 01:05:18,372 --> 01:05:20,332 - Oh, God. - Yeah. 912 01:05:20,499 --> 01:05:22,500 Well, I don't hold you responsible. 913 01:05:22,835 --> 01:05:24,961 It's my problem. 914 01:05:25,129 --> 01:05:27,255 I can handle it. 915 01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:30,258 - Danny. - Oh, Mag. 916 01:05:30,426 --> 01:05:33,803 Maggie, look, look. 917 01:05:33,971 --> 01:05:36,056 I'm not gonna let you go through this alone. 918 01:05:36,223 --> 01:05:38,266 - No! - Whatever you decide. 919 01:05:38,434 --> 01:05:41,686 I'm gonna have it, I've already decided! 920 01:05:45,024 --> 01:05:47,233 Well, that's it then. 921 01:05:48,444 --> 01:05:53,573 - We'll just get married. - Oh, God! That's all I need! 922 01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:57,202 - No, look, I want to, all right? - No, you don't! 923 01:05:57,370 --> 01:05:59,454 - Yes, I do. - No, you don't! 924 01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:00,872 Yes, I do! 925 01:06:01,040 --> 01:06:03,708 Look, I don't wanna get married, Danny! 926 01:06:03,876 --> 01:06:06,086 Come on, Maggie. You're just saying that. 927 01:06:06,253 --> 01:06:09,172 No, I'm not! Look, Danny... 928 01:06:09,465 --> 01:06:11,466 . ..it might not be yours. Okay? 929 01:06:12,093 --> 01:06:16,221 Maggie, you're making this up about the other guys... 930 01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:19,307 - . . .so I won't have to feel guilty. - I'm not making it up! 931 01:06:19,475 --> 01:06:22,185 - All right. I'm still willing to marry you! - Oh, yeah? 932 01:06:22,353 --> 01:06:24,896 - Yeah! - Well, thanks for nothing! 933 01:06:30,945 --> 01:06:33,655 You're a good egg, Noonan. 934 01:06:33,823 --> 01:06:35,407 She needs you. 935 01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:38,618 Pick up that Kleenex. 936 01:06:38,786 --> 01:06:40,412 MANAGER: Good morning, Lou. - Good morning. 937 01:06:40,579 --> 01:06:44,582 The judge would like to see Danny Noonan as soon as he comes in. 938 01:06:45,501 --> 01:06:48,670 - I'm Danny Noonan. - Would you come with me, please? 939 01:06:59,932 --> 01:07:02,434 - Judge Smails, sir? - Sit down, Danny. 940 01:07:05,062 --> 01:07:06,312 [FEET BANG] 941 01:07:08,232 --> 01:07:11,317 Danny, I think you know why you're here. .. 942 01:07:11,485 --> 01:07:15,947 . ..so I'll do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. 943 01:07:17,283 --> 01:07:18,533 I'm sorry. 944 01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:22,454 My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain. . . 945 01:07:22,621 --> 01:07:25,957 . ..zest for living. The last thing any of us need right now. . . 946 01:07:26,125 --> 01:07:28,126 . ..is loose talk about her behavior. 947 01:07:28,294 --> 01:07:30,545 I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir. 948 01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:35,258 Good. Good, good. 949 01:07:35,426 --> 01:07:37,635 You know, despite what happened. . . 950 01:07:37,803 --> 01:07:40,889 . .. I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities. .. 951 01:07:41,057 --> 01:07:44,059 . ..and I think you can still become a gentleman someday. 952 01:07:44,226 --> 01:07:49,522 If you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. 953 01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:53,485 Danny. Danny. 954 01:07:53,903 --> 01:07:55,487 There's a lot of... 955 01:07:55,654 --> 01:07:58,490 . ..well, badness in the world today. 956 01:07:58,657 --> 01:08:00,742 I see it in court every day. 957 01:08:00,910 --> 01:08:03,787 I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. 958 01:08:03,954 --> 01:08:07,832 Didn't want to do it. Felt I owed it to them. 959 01:08:11,170 --> 01:08:13,463 The most important decision you can make is: 960 01:08:13,631 --> 01:08:16,508 What do you stand for, Danny. .. 961 01:08:18,052 --> 01:08:22,013 . ..goodness or badness? 962 01:08:23,265 --> 01:08:27,018 I know I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. 963 01:08:28,979 --> 01:08:31,689 - I wanna be good. - Good! 964 01:08:32,191 --> 01:08:34,526 Good. Very good! 965 01:08:36,737 --> 01:08:38,238 You know. . . 966 01:08:38,405 --> 01:08:41,950 . .. I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. 967 01:08:42,827 --> 01:08:46,287 Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. 968 01:08:48,582 --> 01:08:50,166 Are you my pal? 969 01:08:50,668 --> 01:08:52,710 Mr. Scholarship Winner? 970 01:08:59,260 --> 01:09:01,678 Yes, sir. I'm your pal. 971 01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,557 How about a Fresca? Eh? 972 01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:17,902 Another rob roy, bishop? 973 01:09:18,070 --> 01:09:21,823 You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink. . . 974 01:09:21,991 --> 01:09:24,033 . ..because it's nobody's goddamn business. . . 975 01:09:24,201 --> 01:09:26,202 . ..how many drinks he's had already, right? 976 01:09:26,370 --> 01:09:29,706 Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency. 977 01:09:29,874 --> 01:09:32,542 "Excellency." Fiddlesticks. 978 01:09:32,710 --> 01:09:35,962 My name's Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are. 979 01:09:36,130 --> 01:09:39,007 You're not a man! You're a bishop, for God's sakes! 980 01:09:39,175 --> 01:09:40,758 There is no God. 981 01:09:40,926 --> 01:09:45,847 Oh, Webb-o man, I didn't see your name on the sign-in sheet for the club tournament. 982 01:09:46,015 --> 01:09:48,433 I thought you'd be the man to beat this year. 983 01:09:48,601 --> 01:09:51,102 Guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself. 984 01:09:52,313 --> 01:09:54,105 Very good, yeah. 985 01:09:54,273 --> 01:09:56,858 Come on, honey. Let's go, huh? Hey, boys, how are you? 986 01:09:57,026 --> 01:09:58,651 BOYS: Hey, Al. How are you? 987 01:09:58,819 --> 01:10:00,820 Hey, we're both starving. When do we eat? 988 01:10:00,988 --> 01:10:04,324 You! You. 989 01:10:04,491 --> 01:10:07,535 You have worn out your welcome at Bushwood, sir. 990 01:10:07,703 --> 01:10:10,205 Is that so? Who made you pope of this dump, huh? 991 01:10:10,539 --> 01:10:12,290 Bushwood, a dump? 992 01:10:12,458 --> 01:10:15,919 Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here. 993 01:10:16,086 --> 01:10:19,631 Member? Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? 994 01:10:19,798 --> 01:10:21,299 Why, this whole place sucks! 995 01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:22,634 Su-- Su-- Su-- 996 01:10:22,801 --> 01:10:25,595 Right, it sucks. Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it. 997 01:10:25,763 --> 01:10:28,473 Buy Bushwood? You! 998 01:10:28,807 --> 01:10:31,976 You baboon! You beast! 999 01:10:32,144 --> 01:10:33,519 MANAGER: Okay, break it up. 1000 01:10:33,687 --> 01:10:36,481 - I get no respect from anyone. - Please. What's going on? 1001 01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,608 He tried to choke me. You saw it. 1002 01:10:38,776 --> 01:10:40,777 He called me a baboon. Thinks I'm his wife. 1003 01:10:40,945 --> 01:10:44,364 - I'm calling the police. - Call the chief of police, I built his condo! 1004 01:10:44,531 --> 01:10:47,700 - Out. I want him out of here. - He wants you out. 1005 01:10:47,868 --> 01:10:49,869 [INDECIPHERABLE YELLING] 1006 01:10:50,037 --> 01:10:51,037 [WHISTLES] 1007 01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:53,414 Guys, judge! Come on, let's be adults here. 1008 01:10:53,582 --> 01:10:56,793 Let's not mess the place up. Let's go to your office. 1009 01:10:56,961 --> 01:11:00,672 I'll make some drinks for us all. We'll talk about it. Come on. 1010 01:11:00,839 --> 01:11:02,131 [CHATTERING] 1011 01:11:13,769 --> 01:11:15,186 Danny! 1012 01:11:15,604 --> 01:11:18,523 - Danny. - Maggie. 1013 01:11:19,316 --> 01:11:21,234 Maggie, you flipping out? 1014 01:11:21,402 --> 01:11:24,904 No. I'm happy! I'm not pregnant. 1015 01:11:25,072 --> 01:11:27,532 Oh, that's great. 1016 01:11:28,534 --> 01:11:30,952 Listen, you were sweet. I'm sorry I was hard on you. 1017 01:11:31,120 --> 01:11:34,247 No, I deserved it. I've been acting like a jerk. 1018 01:11:34,415 --> 01:11:37,458 - I hate myself. I'll get that scholarship. - That's good, isn't it? 1019 01:11:37,626 --> 01:11:40,211 No. I've been a creep lately and I just can't help it. 1020 01:11:40,379 --> 01:11:42,255 - You're not a creep, Noonan. - Yes, I am. 1021 01:11:42,423 --> 01:11:43,673 - No, you're not. - Yes, I am. 1022 01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:46,050 - All right, maybe you are a little bit. - Well... . 1023 01:11:46,218 --> 01:11:50,722 Listen, you're good deep down. I know you'll do the right thing. 1024 01:11:51,724 --> 01:11:52,890 Thank you, Maggie. 1025 01:11:53,058 --> 01:11:57,395 JUDGE: I demand satisfaction. AL: Oh, you want satisfaction? 1026 01:11:57,855 --> 01:12:00,148 I'll tell you what's real satisfying, cash. 1027 01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:02,775 I'll shoot you 18 holes for 10,000 bucks. 1028 01:12:07,740 --> 01:12:10,158 Why, I could beat you with one arm. 1029 01:12:10,326 --> 01:12:13,995 How about teams then for $20,000? You can have Dr. Frankenputts. 1030 01:12:14,163 --> 01:12:17,582 - I beg your pardon. - And I'll take Ty here. 1031 01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:21,252 - Hey, fellas. Don't include me in on it. - Ty. 1032 01:12:21,420 --> 01:12:23,504 Come on. You're an ace. Everybody knows it. 1033 01:12:25,966 --> 01:12:29,594 I-- I don't play golf for money against people. 1034 01:12:30,137 --> 01:12:32,430 What are you, religious or something? 1035 01:12:32,598 --> 01:12:35,016 You might say that. Excuse me. 1036 01:12:35,225 --> 01:12:39,103 JUDGE: Excuse me. Excuse me. - I got it. 1037 01:12:39,271 --> 01:12:43,691 Ty, can I have a word with you? In private. 1038 01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:45,985 Sure thing, judge. 1039 01:12:46,612 --> 01:12:48,529 - Ty. - Judge. 1040 01:12:48,697 --> 01:12:50,031 Ty. 1041 01:12:50,282 --> 01:12:51,824 Oh. 1042 01:12:53,744 --> 01:12:56,954 Ty, your father and I prepped together. . . 1043 01:12:57,122 --> 01:12:59,832 . ..went to war together, we played golf together. 1044 01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:02,085 We built this club, he and I. 1045 01:13:02,586 --> 01:13:04,796 Now, let's face it, son. Some people... 1046 01:13:04,963 --> 01:13:07,757 . ..simply do not belong. 1047 01:13:11,095 --> 01:13:14,722 Let's not cave in too easy. 1048 01:13:24,149 --> 01:13:25,983 Well, what do you say, Ty? 1049 01:13:32,032 --> 01:13:34,659 Let's make it 40,000. 1050 01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:35,993 Hey, great! 1051 01:13:37,162 --> 01:13:38,496 You know, judge... 1052 01:13:39,998 --> 01:13:42,500 . ..my dad never liked you. 1053 01:13:42,668 --> 01:13:45,586 I'll see you two tomorrow morning on the golf course. 1054 01:13:46,922 --> 01:13:48,631 Hey, beautiful. Beautiful. 1055 01:13:52,845 --> 01:13:54,095 [CARL CHUCKLES] 1056 01:13:54,304 --> 01:13:56,264 I have to laugh. .. 1057 01:13:57,224 --> 01:13:59,183 . ..because I've often asked myself.. . . 1058 01:13:59,351 --> 01:14:02,019 My foe, my enemy, is an animal. . . 1059 01:14:02,187 --> 01:14:03,938 . ..and in order to conquer him.. . 1060 01:14:04,106 --> 01:14:06,357 . .. I have to think like an animal. 1061 01:14:06,525 --> 01:14:10,528 And whenever possible to look like one. 1062 01:14:12,990 --> 01:14:17,368 I gotta get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. 1063 01:14:17,536 --> 01:14:20,997 Who is the gopher's ally, his friend? 1064 01:14:21,331 --> 01:14:24,208 The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit. 1065 01:14:24,376 --> 01:14:27,462 I'm gonna use you two guys... 1066 01:14:27,629 --> 01:14:29,839 . ..to do my dirty work for me. 1067 01:14:38,265 --> 01:14:41,601 Look at it. It's the gopher. 1068 01:14:57,034 --> 01:14:58,409 Hello? 1069 01:14:58,577 --> 01:15:01,537 There she is. There she is. 1070 01:15:04,249 --> 01:15:06,584 This is it. It's a Titleist. 1071 01:15:09,296 --> 01:15:13,257 Twenty thousand dollars. Twenty thousand dollars. 1072 01:15:22,768 --> 01:15:24,852 All right, show yourself, you little varmint. 1073 01:15:25,020 --> 01:15:26,771 If you got the guts. 1074 01:15:27,606 --> 01:15:30,900 You son of a bitch. Where'd you go? 1075 01:15:31,109 --> 01:15:33,402 Oh, hi, Carl. How you doing? 1076 01:15:33,570 --> 01:15:36,364 Oh, hi. Hi. 1077 01:15:37,366 --> 01:15:38,616 Mind if I play through? 1078 01:15:38,784 --> 01:15:41,827 Go right ahead. Are you getting in a late night or something? 1079 01:15:41,995 --> 01:15:43,496 Yeah, I was just loosening up. 1080 01:15:43,664 --> 01:15:45,581 Was that your ball I heard rambling through? 1081 01:15:45,749 --> 01:15:48,084 Yeah. Did you see my ball in here? 1082 01:15:50,128 --> 01:15:52,129 - Titleist? - That's it. 1083 01:15:52,297 --> 01:15:55,299 - Yeah, it's right here. - This your place, Carl? 1084 01:15:55,926 --> 01:15:57,134 Yeah, what do you think? 1085 01:15:57,719 --> 01:16:00,471 It's really. . . . It's really awful. 1086 01:16:01,139 --> 01:16:04,350 Well, I have a lot of things on order. You know, credit trouble. 1087 01:16:04,518 --> 01:16:05,851 I'm an assistant greenskeeper. 1088 01:16:06,019 --> 01:16:08,563 Doesn't mean anything until I'm the head greenskeeper. 1089 01:16:08,730 --> 01:16:10,773 - Can you give me a ruling on this? - Sit down. 1090 01:16:10,941 --> 01:16:12,817 No, I don't wanna stick to anything. 1091 01:16:12,985 --> 01:16:17,863 - Here, take this thing off. This is dirty. - Don't go to too much trouble, please. 1092 01:16:18,198 --> 01:16:20,992 - Here, fire up. - With my lips? 1093 01:16:21,159 --> 01:16:22,952 - Yeah. - I don't think so, Carl. 1094 01:16:23,120 --> 01:16:26,080 - Just right back. - If I could borrow a wedge or something. 1095 01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:28,833 If you can open a curtain, I can get through that window. 1096 01:16:29,001 --> 01:16:30,835 People say I'm an idiot or something. . . 1097 01:16:31,003 --> 01:16:33,087 . ..because all I do is cut lawns for a living. 1098 01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:36,007 Oh, people don't say that about you as far as you know. 1099 01:16:36,466 --> 01:16:39,093 Well, I'm working on it so I don't ever have to.... 1100 01:16:39,261 --> 01:16:42,888 I'm gonna be head greenskeeper, hopefully within six years. That's my schedule. 1101 01:16:43,056 --> 01:16:46,559 But I'm studying this stuff so I know it. You know, like... 1102 01:16:46,727 --> 01:16:49,520 . ..you know, chinch bugs. You know. . . 1103 01:16:49,688 --> 01:16:52,481 . ..manganese. A lot of people don't even know what that is. 1104 01:16:52,649 --> 01:16:54,900 - Great, Carl. Could I get a--? - Nitrogen. 1105 01:16:55,068 --> 01:16:57,403 Just open a curtain and I can just get out of here. 1106 01:16:57,571 --> 01:17:00,948 I invented my own kind of grass too. Did you know that? Look at this. 1107 01:17:01,116 --> 01:17:03,868 - This is registered. Carl Spackler bent. - Oh, yeah. 1108 01:17:04,036 --> 01:17:07,038 I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff. 1109 01:17:07,205 --> 01:17:10,041 This is a hybrid. This is a cross, bluegrass.. . 1110 01:17:10,292 --> 01:17:12,960 . ..Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent... 1111 01:17:13,128 --> 01:17:15,671 . ..and northern California sinsemilla. 1112 01:17:15,839 --> 01:17:17,548 The amazing stuff about this. .. 1113 01:17:17,716 --> 01:17:20,426 . ..is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon. .. 1114 01:17:20,594 --> 01:17:25,014 . ..take it home and just get stoned to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff. 1115 01:17:25,182 --> 01:17:29,060 - I got pounds of this stuff. Here. - No. Thank you. I don't-- I don't-- 1116 01:17:29,227 --> 01:17:32,730 Let's have a little bit. I got the big Bob Marley joint. Here, try this. 1117 01:17:33,482 --> 01:17:35,691 Carl, I really don't do this very often. 1118 01:17:35,859 --> 01:17:37,777 You're gonna love it. This is dynamite. 1119 01:17:37,944 --> 01:17:40,446 Well, maybe one drag, then I gotta go. 1120 01:17:42,407 --> 01:17:44,408 [COUGHING] 1121 01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:50,706 It's a little harsh. Here, cannonball it. 1122 01:17:54,586 --> 01:17:56,420 Cannonball it right back. 1123 01:17:59,508 --> 01:18:03,844 Then one more of these right on top of it. Cannonball! Cannonball coming. 1124 01:18:04,012 --> 01:18:05,429 No. 1125 01:18:07,516 --> 01:18:08,933 Carl... 1126 01:18:09,434 --> 01:18:12,978 . ..could I have a drop? Just a drop myself. 1127 01:18:15,440 --> 01:18:17,066 That's fine for me. That's good. 1128 01:18:18,610 --> 01:18:20,778 Can I say something to you frank? 1129 01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:22,863 Ty, Frank. 1130 01:18:23,073 --> 01:18:26,158 You've been acting psychotically lately. 1131 01:18:26,743 --> 01:18:27,952 What the hell? Why? 1132 01:18:28,120 --> 01:18:30,913 I've been under strain. I gotta play with Smails tomorrow. . . 1133 01:18:31,081 --> 01:18:33,582 - Smails? - . . .in a money match. No. 1134 01:18:33,792 --> 01:18:36,877 Thing to do with Smails. . . . He bothers you, I'll take care of him. 1135 01:18:37,045 --> 01:18:40,464 What you gotta do to Smails is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg. . . 1136 01:18:40,632 --> 01:18:43,092 . ..right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again. 1137 01:18:43,468 --> 01:18:46,637 Because he goes back, his weight displacement goes back. . . 1138 01:18:46,805 --> 01:18:50,015 . ..he stays there. All his weight's on his right, he'll push everything right. 1139 01:18:50,183 --> 01:18:52,643 He'll never come through. He'll quit the game. 1140 01:18:52,894 --> 01:18:55,396 That would work. I'm gonna call you if I need help. 1141 01:18:55,564 --> 01:18:57,523 But, seriously, no B.S. . . 1142 01:18:57,691 --> 01:19:02,153 . ..you ever wanna rap, just talk or just get weird with somebody. . . 1143 01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:03,654 . ..buddies for life. 1144 01:19:03,822 --> 01:19:05,990 I'll drop by. You drop by my place anytime. 1145 01:19:06,241 --> 01:19:08,617 What's your address? You're around Briar, right? 1146 01:19:08,785 --> 01:19:10,411 Briar, 2. 1147 01:19:10,579 --> 01:19:11,912 You got a pool over there? 1148 01:19:12,748 --> 01:19:15,291 We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond. 1149 01:19:15,459 --> 01:19:17,418 A pond would be good for you. Natural spring. 1150 01:19:17,586 --> 01:19:21,046 Oh, yeah. Or the pool or a pond. Anything would be good. 1151 01:19:21,214 --> 01:19:22,840 Well, I'm gonna clean this up. 1152 01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:27,011 You go ahead, clean up. It looks fine to me. Thanks for the dope. 1153 01:19:27,721 --> 01:19:29,138 Fore! 1154 01:19:41,359 --> 01:19:43,444 Danny, you carry my bag. 1155 01:19:45,906 --> 01:19:47,364 [CAR HONKING MELODY] 1156 01:19:48,158 --> 01:19:51,035 What the--? Who the--? 1157 01:19:53,622 --> 01:19:57,124 Get back there. What do you think you're doing? Get off of here! 1158 01:19:57,542 --> 01:20:00,961 - Good morning, judge. - This is a golf course, not a parking lot! 1159 01:20:01,129 --> 01:20:03,214 You back this thing out of here right now! 1160 01:20:03,381 --> 01:20:05,424 Okay. Hey, look at that. 1161 01:20:06,218 --> 01:20:08,177 Don't play games with me, Ty. 1162 01:20:08,345 --> 01:20:11,472 Put that steering wheel where it belongs, and get this out of here! 1163 01:20:11,640 --> 01:20:13,516 - I got it, judge. AL: I'm sorry I'm late. 1164 01:20:13,683 --> 01:20:15,226 Let's play golf! 1165 01:20:17,062 --> 01:20:20,314 Ow--! Do it! I didn't do that. 1166 01:20:20,482 --> 01:20:21,774 [PHONE RINGS] 1167 01:20:21,983 --> 01:20:24,151 - Oh, there's my phone. - I'm getting tired-- 1168 01:20:24,319 --> 01:20:25,653 LOU: Gentlemen, it's about time-- 1169 01:20:25,821 --> 01:20:28,489 I told you, never call me on the golf course. What's that? 1170 01:20:28,657 --> 01:20:32,827 Then sell, sell, sell! They're all selling? Then buy, buy, buy! 1171 01:20:32,994 --> 01:20:35,538 - Let me have the Coast. - Can we start now? 1172 01:20:35,705 --> 01:20:37,122 - Gentlemen. - What do you want? 1173 01:20:37,290 --> 01:20:38,833 - Gentlemen. - Can I use your phone? 1174 01:20:39,000 --> 01:20:40,459 - Gentlemen! - Is it long distance? 1175 01:20:40,627 --> 01:20:42,044 Hey! 1176 01:20:42,587 --> 01:20:46,090 Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal and against club practice. 1177 01:20:46,258 --> 01:20:48,050 And I'd like to ask at this time. . . 1178 01:20:48,218 --> 01:20:53,138 . ..if you gentlemen all agree to waive all sanction against said referee... 1179 01:20:53,306 --> 01:20:55,850 . ..or anything that might get me fired. 1180 01:20:56,017 --> 01:20:57,434 Agreed. 1181 01:20:58,270 --> 01:21:01,063 Fine. The match is for $20,000 each. 1182 01:21:01,231 --> 01:21:05,609 Lowest score wins the hole in regulation match play. 1183 01:21:05,777 --> 01:21:09,113 I have a number of tees in my hand. Your Honor, odd or even? 1184 01:21:09,281 --> 01:21:11,657 - Odd! - Odd it is. 1185 01:21:11,825 --> 01:21:13,742 Your honor, Your Honor. 1186 01:21:15,328 --> 01:21:17,705 Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you? 1187 01:21:17,873 --> 01:21:19,957 No, I can't accept this. 1188 01:21:24,129 --> 01:21:25,379 Driver, please. 1189 01:21:25,547 --> 01:21:26,964 [MAKES SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN NOISE] 1190 01:21:27,132 --> 01:21:28,507 Danny. 1191 01:21:34,306 --> 01:21:36,265 Don't smile at me a lot, okay? 1192 01:21:43,523 --> 01:21:48,652 Say, the judge and Mr. Czervik, $100,000 match going on. 1193 01:21:48,820 --> 01:21:50,279 - You're kidding. - No. 1194 01:21:50,447 --> 01:21:52,072 Now, what you wanna do? 1195 01:21:52,824 --> 01:21:55,075 - Five, Mr. Czek. - Five, Mr. Czek. 1196 01:21:55,243 --> 01:21:56,493 - You got it? - Got it. 1197 01:22:00,832 --> 01:22:03,208 Hello? Anybody home? 1198 01:22:04,669 --> 01:22:06,629 Hello, Mr. Gopher? 1199 01:22:06,796 --> 01:22:09,715 Yeah, it's me, Mr. Squirrel. 1200 01:22:09,883 --> 01:22:13,010 Yeah. Hi. Just a harmless squirrel... 1201 01:22:13,178 --> 01:22:16,472 . ..not a plastic explosive or anything. Nothing to be worried about. 1202 01:22:16,640 --> 01:22:20,434 I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible. 1203 01:22:20,602 --> 01:22:23,437 Yes, don't mind this. This is doctor's orders and so forth. 1204 01:22:23,605 --> 01:22:26,231 You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs? 1205 01:22:26,399 --> 01:22:29,944 Yeah, that's right. Or in the words of Jean Paul Sartre: 1206 01:22:30,111 --> 01:22:32,863 "Au revoir, gopher." 1207 01:22:33,031 --> 01:22:37,660 This is sweet. This is gonna be sweet. 1208 01:22:53,218 --> 01:22:54,593 Hey! 1209 01:22:55,762 --> 01:22:58,472 That kangaroo stole my ball! 1210 01:23:05,814 --> 01:23:06,897 All right! 1211 01:23:14,239 --> 01:23:15,864 What's up, doc? 1212 01:23:23,623 --> 01:23:24,707 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1213 01:23:46,062 --> 01:23:49,940 AL: I tell you, I don't understand it. I'm playing the worst game of my life. 1214 01:23:50,108 --> 01:23:52,735 Hey. Don't put yourself down, Al. 1215 01:23:52,902 --> 01:23:54,862 You're not-- You're not-- 1216 01:23:55,030 --> 01:23:57,448 You're not good. You stink. 1217 01:24:02,412 --> 01:24:06,415 Say, fifty bucks, the Smails kid picks his nose. 1218 01:24:06,583 --> 01:24:08,459 [CHATTERING] 1219 01:24:09,044 --> 01:24:10,711 PORTERHOUSE: Come on, buddy. Here he comes. 1220 01:24:10,879 --> 01:24:13,297 MAN: Don't do it. - All right, kid, take your time. 1221 01:24:13,757 --> 01:24:16,091 Come on, come on. Yeah. 1222 01:24:17,093 --> 01:24:19,094 [CHATTERING] 1223 01:24:19,971 --> 01:24:22,473 - Fifty bucks more says he eats it. - You're on. 1224 01:24:22,640 --> 01:24:23,932 - He eats. - You're on. 1225 01:24:24,267 --> 01:24:25,809 Now, don't do it, kid. Don't! 1226 01:24:25,977 --> 01:24:27,644 - Don't do it! LOU: Come on. 1227 01:24:27,812 --> 01:24:30,981 - There he goes. He's going for it. MEN: Yeah! 1228 01:24:32,192 --> 01:24:34,193 What a pig! 1229 01:24:35,820 --> 01:24:38,489 - Man, that kid'll eat anything. GUY: Yes, he was hungry. 1230 01:24:38,656 --> 01:24:40,657 What do you say, Al? 1231 01:24:41,659 --> 01:24:46,121 - Shall we press on? - Hey, judge, cheer up, will you? 1232 01:24:46,456 --> 01:24:51,210 My boat needs exactly $20,000 worth of repairs. 1233 01:24:51,377 --> 01:24:54,296 And so does your brain. You wanna double it? 1234 01:24:54,839 --> 01:24:58,634 - Fine! Forty thousand apiece. - All right. 1235 01:24:58,802 --> 01:25:01,345 - Forty thousand. Forty thousand. - Let's go. You got it. 1236 01:25:01,513 --> 01:25:03,222 - All right. - Hold on, judge, I mean-- 1237 01:25:03,389 --> 01:25:04,389 [BEEPING] 1238 01:25:04,557 --> 01:25:09,353 - That's my office. I better get going. - No. You're in for half of 80,000. 1239 01:25:11,272 --> 01:25:13,357 Probably just a routine emergency. 1240 01:25:13,983 --> 01:25:15,984 [CHITTERING] 1241 01:25:37,090 --> 01:25:38,966 Why'd I double it? 1242 01:25:39,259 --> 01:25:42,427 I tell you, I should have stayed home and played with myself. 1243 01:25:42,887 --> 01:25:47,099 Ty, I saw Smails before. He was cheating. 1244 01:25:48,685 --> 01:25:51,145 Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny. 1245 01:25:51,312 --> 01:25:53,021 Except, of course, me. 1246 01:25:58,278 --> 01:26:00,154 Ow. 1247 01:26:00,321 --> 01:26:03,574 - Oh, my arm. It's broken! JUDGE: Good Lord... 1248 01:26:03,741 --> 01:26:06,952 - . . .what has this buffoon done now? - Let's have a look at that. 1249 01:26:07,120 --> 01:26:09,580 Well, that might be a fractured ulna. 1250 01:26:09,747 --> 01:26:13,709 - I'm afraid you forfeit. - Who says so? The match is a draw. 1251 01:26:13,877 --> 01:26:16,670 No, you don't. You don't play, you lose. Right, Lou? 1252 01:26:16,838 --> 01:26:19,423 That's right, Your Honor. Unless you wanna allow him a substitute. 1253 01:26:19,591 --> 01:26:24,052 Eh? Oh, well.... Spaulding can play out his holes. 1254 01:26:24,220 --> 01:26:28,891 Actually, judge, I think it's up to us to pick our substitute. 1255 01:26:29,684 --> 01:26:32,853 - What do you want? - Sonja Henie's out. 1256 01:26:33,605 --> 01:26:35,272 We'll take Danny Noonan. 1257 01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:39,443 Danny is an employee of the club. He can't work and play... 1258 01:26:39,611 --> 01:26:42,988 - . . .particularly in something this illegal. - Makes a lot of sense, judge. 1259 01:26:43,156 --> 01:26:47,117 Hey, kid, if you win, I'll make it worth your while. 1260 01:26:50,038 --> 01:26:51,705 Well? 1261 01:26:55,627 --> 01:26:57,127 I'll play. 1262 01:26:57,337 --> 01:27:00,464 - Guess you didn't want that scholarship? - I guess I don't. 1263 01:27:00,632 --> 01:27:03,050 I guess you don't. I guess you don't. 1264 01:27:29,077 --> 01:27:30,410 [CROWD GASPS] 1265 01:27:35,333 --> 01:27:38,001 Don't worry, it's good luck. 1266 01:27:38,836 --> 01:27:39,878 In Haiti. 1267 01:28:03,861 --> 01:28:05,779 You're gonna have to win this hole. 1268 01:28:05,947 --> 01:28:10,075 - I kind of thought winning wasn't important. - Me winning isn't! You do. 1269 01:28:10,243 --> 01:28:13,078 - Great grammar. - Danny. 1270 01:28:16,165 --> 01:28:19,584 See your future. Be your future. 1271 01:28:19,752 --> 01:28:23,046 Make... . Make-- Make it! Make it. 1272 01:28:23,214 --> 01:28:26,591 Make your future, Danny. I'm-- I'm a veg, Danny. 1273 01:28:26,759 --> 01:28:28,719 Give me this. Take it easy, will you, Ty? 1274 01:28:47,322 --> 01:28:49,239 Hey, Mr. Gopher? 1275 01:28:51,075 --> 01:28:52,576 GOPHER: Uh-oh. 1276 01:28:53,953 --> 01:28:55,912 Gentlemen, this match is all even. 1277 01:28:56,080 --> 01:28:59,082 Final hole. Doctor, you are away. 1278 01:29:14,182 --> 01:29:16,266 CROWD: Oh. 1279 01:29:29,322 --> 01:29:32,949 Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo. 1280 01:29:41,667 --> 01:29:42,667 Oh. 1281 01:29:44,003 --> 01:29:46,963 Billy, Billy, Billy. 1282 01:29:47,131 --> 01:29:49,216 Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy. 1283 01:29:49,967 --> 01:29:51,593 This is a biggie. 1284 01:29:51,886 --> 01:29:53,136 Don't let me down, Billy. 1285 01:29:53,304 --> 01:29:57,307 Forty thousand dollars, Billy. 1286 01:30:03,147 --> 01:30:04,898 Oh! 1287 01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:06,983 BEEPER: I knew you'd do it! 1288 01:30:38,349 --> 01:30:39,433 ALL: Oh! 1289 01:30:49,527 --> 01:30:51,403 [MUMBLED SINGING] 1290 01:30:55,450 --> 01:30:59,327 These are men America's best 1291 01:31:05,001 --> 01:31:06,710 Don't worry about this one. 1292 01:31:06,878 --> 01:31:09,212 If you miss it, we lose. 1293 01:31:27,732 --> 01:31:30,233 Hey, judge, double or nothing he makes it. 1294 01:31:30,401 --> 01:31:32,360 - Eighty thousand. MAN: What? 1295 01:31:33,905 --> 01:31:35,030 [MUMBLES] 1296 01:31:35,239 --> 01:31:36,948 What's that, judge? 1297 01:31:37,950 --> 01:31:39,868 You're on! You're on! 1298 01:31:43,247 --> 01:31:45,081 Well. . . 1299 01:31:45,249 --> 01:31:47,125 . ..we're waiting. 1300 01:31:54,634 --> 01:31:58,094 Noonan, you can do it. 1301 01:32:26,123 --> 01:32:27,290 CROWD: Oh! 1302 01:32:29,794 --> 01:32:32,003 MAN: You lose it, buddy. 1303 01:32:32,171 --> 01:32:34,464 We did it! We did it! 1304 01:32:35,550 --> 01:32:36,841 Fore. 1305 01:32:37,635 --> 01:32:39,928 [PEOPLE SCREAMING] 1306 01:33:20,094 --> 01:33:21,595 LOU: It's a birdie! 1307 01:34:01,886 --> 01:34:05,388 All right, Smails, that's 80 grand. Now fork it over. 1308 01:34:05,556 --> 01:34:09,684 I'll give you nothing. Absolutely, you understand, nothing! 1309 01:34:09,852 --> 01:34:12,687 I figured as much. Hey, Moose, Rocco! 1310 01:34:12,855 --> 01:34:14,648 Help the judge find his checkbook. 1311 01:34:15,024 --> 01:34:20,070 Oh. Well, I-- You-- I will. 1312 01:34:20,571 --> 01:34:22,739 Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid! 1313 01:34:22,907 --> 01:34:24,908 [CHEERING] 1314 01:34:28,663 --> 01:34:31,414 [COUGHING] 1315 01:34:35,586 --> 01:34:37,087 Uh-oh. 1316 01:37:55,744 --> 01:37:57,745 [ENGLISH SDH] 101596

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