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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,491 --> 00:00:03,760 If there were a hypothetical compost vessel 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:07,905 for... hypothetically... our doodie, 3 00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:09,507 would you hypothetically be into that? 4 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:12,276 Sure! I been crashing on friends' couches for a month, 5 00:00:12,278 --> 00:00:15,579 so I can literally move in to-morr-ow, all right? 6 00:00:15,581 --> 00:00:16,980 Let me ask you this. 7 00:00:16,982 --> 00:00:19,016 When I take a shower, will you keep me company? 8 00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:20,518 Not... Not in the shower, 9 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,420 just, like, sit on the toilet and talk to me? 10 00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:24,087 Okay. 11 00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:26,417 Okay, I just have one final question. 12 00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:30,503 What is your stance on the Olsen twins? 13 00:00:30,514 --> 00:00:33,096 Oh, my God, girl, the Olsen twins. 14 00:00:33,098 --> 00:00:35,466 It drives me nuts, you understand? 15 00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:37,701 - Part of it is like I feel sorry for them. - Yes. 16 00:00:37,712 --> 00:00:39,471 But they also billionaires, so I hate them. 17 00:00:39,482 --> 00:00:42,052 - Yes! Right. - But, I mean, did they ask for this? 18 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:43,633 - No, they did not. Okay? - Unh-unh. 19 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,508 Why would you have Uncle Jesse 20 00:00:45,510 --> 00:00:48,978 picking them up, kissing them to get women? 21 00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:50,780 What woman sees that as a turn-on? 22 00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:52,415 What kind of move is this? 23 00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:54,751 Child, that whole set is about to be Bill Cosby. 24 00:00:54,753 --> 00:00:56,118 - You hear me? - Bizarre. 25 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,087 Okay? MeToo moments every damn where. 26 00:00:58,089 --> 00:01:00,457 - That's it. I mean, give it to me. - For real. 27 00:01:00,459 --> 00:01:01,758 - Lay it down. - Hello? 28 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:02,959 I mean, we vibing, right? 29 00:01:02,961 --> 00:01:04,394 - Child. - Ye-e-es! 30 00:01:04,396 --> 00:01:05,595 - Beezy! - All ri-i-ight! 31 00:01:05,597 --> 00:01:06,629 Ha ha ha! 32 00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,364 Ah, yes! 33 00:01:08,366 --> 00:01:11,032 Now, just tell me, what room do I take, okay? 34 00:01:11,034 --> 00:01:14,370 Well, you have officially secured yourself a backup offer. 35 00:01:14,372 --> 00:01:15,571 Backup? 36 00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,105 It's just that I have one more 37 00:01:17,107 --> 00:01:19,783 brown-eyed, goy-nosed, fat-assed, 38 00:01:19,794 --> 00:01:21,943 beautiful candidate left to explore. 39 00:01:21,945 --> 00:01:24,383 Well, girl, you've literally just described me. 40 00:01:24,394 --> 00:01:26,778 Well, it looks like I have a type. 41 00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:28,384 I will get back to you in 24 hours. 42 00:01:28,386 --> 00:01:30,952 Can you make it 23? 'Cause I really love this place. 43 00:01:32,155 --> 00:01:33,541 That's never happened before. 44 00:01:38,781 --> 00:01:41,075 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 45 00:01:41,166 --> 00:01:42,463 I'm scared. 46 00:01:42,465 --> 00:01:43,931 I don't know how to say it 47 00:01:43,933 --> 00:01:47,528 or when or where or how exactly. 48 00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:50,705 Ugh. You haven't told Ilana you're moving to Colorado yet?! 49 00:01:50,707 --> 00:01:52,473 I do not envy you. 50 00:01:52,475 --> 00:01:54,842 When we told her we were getting rid of her car, 51 00:01:54,844 --> 00:01:57,812 - we took her to see Savion Glover... - King of tap. 52 00:01:57,823 --> 00:02:01,315 and we even snuck in a backpack of sour cherry straws... 53 00:02:01,317 --> 00:02:03,183 Those are her favorite... and she still 54 00:02:03,185 --> 00:02:05,158 wanted to declare legal emancipation. 55 00:02:05,169 --> 00:02:06,568 And you better tell that bitch soon 56 00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:08,389 because I'm only good up to a certain point 57 00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:09,724 when it comes to keeping a secret. 58 00:02:09,726 --> 00:02:11,235 Like, 12 hours ago, 59 00:02:11,254 --> 00:02:14,318 Eliot tells me he's having an affair... 60 00:02:14,329 --> 00:02:15,441 Can you believe this?... 61 00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:18,465 with a married man, married to a woman! 62 00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:20,352 He's a homewrecker, Abbi! 63 00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,101 Fuck. See? 12 hours. 64 00:02:22,103 --> 00:02:23,770 Ugh. I can't help myself. 65 00:02:23,772 --> 00:02:25,472 Okay, okay, I-I'll do it today. 66 00:02:25,474 --> 00:02:28,074 Butter her up... flowers, weed, something special. 67 00:02:28,076 --> 00:02:30,410 Just tell me it's gonna be okay. 68 00:02:30,412 --> 00:02:31,778 Bobbi? 69 00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:33,680 Bob, you're froz... 70 00:02:33,682 --> 00:02:37,851 Okay, I can see the ceiling fan still moving in the background. 71 00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,057 Okay. 72 00:02:45,327 --> 00:02:46,559 What? 73 00:02:46,561 --> 00:02:48,428 Dude, what? Wait. 74 00:02:48,430 --> 00:02:52,265 We both bought each other a dozen roses? 75 00:02:54,135 --> 00:02:55,568 That is amazing. Can you believe... 76 00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:58,137 - Okay, these are for you. - And those are for you. 77 00:02:58,139 --> 00:03:00,200 Can you believe we are so psychically linked? 78 00:03:00,211 --> 00:03:02,583 No, and... and, luckily, nothing... 79 00:03:02,594 --> 00:03:06,118 you know, no space or time or distance or anything... 80 00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:09,215 would ever change that or take that away. Not even death. 81 00:03:09,217 --> 00:03:11,550 - That's hot. - Yeah. 82 00:03:11,552 --> 00:03:13,752 So, today, we are going to do something 83 00:03:13,754 --> 00:03:16,155 that you have wanted to do forever, baby. 84 00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:17,202 What? 85 00:03:18,093 --> 00:03:20,126 "Sleep No More"! 86 00:03:20,128 --> 00:03:21,594 Are you serious? 87 00:03:22,864 --> 00:03:25,764 God, I love living in New York City. You just... You can't beat it. 88 00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:29,007 You get to be physically near the cutting edge of art and culture 89 00:03:29,018 --> 00:03:32,671 and then, just a mere decade later, actually afford to experience it. 90 00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:34,104 But wait. 91 00:03:34,115 --> 00:03:36,074 Aren't you gonna be too scared to go? 92 00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:38,198 I mean, I'm excited. I am also scared, 93 00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:40,059 but it is gonna be scary, right? 94 00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:41,905 It's not intended to be scary. 95 00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:44,435 It's kind of like interactive, modern version of "Macbeth." 96 00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:46,184 Ooh! Shakespeare. 97 00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:49,287 I love Shakespeare, all his stuff. 98 00:03:50,591 --> 00:03:52,457 God, Shakespeare was fucking cool, 99 00:03:52,459 --> 00:03:55,027 'cause he was bisexual as hell, dawg. 100 00:03:55,029 --> 00:03:58,463 Also, you see visible vulva and penis in this show. 101 00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:01,500 This is gonna be so good, 102 00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,301 because I want to go into this new experience 103 00:04:03,303 --> 00:04:06,004 because, like, I want to be uncomfortable to grow. 104 00:04:06,006 --> 00:04:07,920 Beesh, I hear deesh, 105 00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:10,942 'cause I believe in us growing together, 106 00:04:10,944 --> 00:04:12,877 no matter what form that may take. 107 00:04:12,879 --> 00:04:15,380 Me too, dude. 108 00:04:15,382 --> 00:04:18,216 Together forever! 109 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,396 Petticoats, please. 110 00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:27,159 If you could keep these vertical, that would be great. 111 00:04:27,161 --> 00:04:28,825 And, hey, is there a particular 112 00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:30,394 penis-and-vulva viewing room? 113 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:33,030 I-I was told there would be visible vulva. 114 00:04:33,032 --> 00:04:35,299 Uh, you know, this is more of a... 115 00:04:35,301 --> 00:04:38,302 this is honestly more of like a follow-the-action, 116 00:04:38,304 --> 00:04:39,970 choose-your-own-adventure type show. 117 00:04:39,972 --> 00:04:41,505 Just follow the rooms. 118 00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,140 I bet it's multiple rooms. 119 00:04:43,142 --> 00:04:44,442 Yeah. 120 00:04:46,145 --> 00:04:48,045 It is scary, see? 121 00:04:48,047 --> 00:04:50,181 20 people on one elevator, yes. 122 00:04:50,183 --> 00:04:51,515 Actually terrifying. 123 00:04:52,718 --> 00:04:55,018 Okay. 124 00:05:01,193 --> 00:05:03,993 Things aren't always as they seem here. 125 00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:05,861 Trust no one. 126 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,402 I trust you. 127 00:05:10,413 --> 00:05:11,568 I was right there. 128 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,608 - Me? - No, not you. 129 00:05:13,619 --> 00:05:14,651 God! 130 00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:17,307 Jesus. You... I trust you. 131 00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:18,941 - Me? - Oh, my God! 132 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,243 No! What?! 133 00:05:20,245 --> 00:05:21,411 Are you bothering this girl? 134 00:05:21,413 --> 00:05:22,512 Ilana? 135 00:05:22,514 --> 00:05:24,692 Okay. God, let's go. Come on. 136 00:05:26,137 --> 00:05:27,883 Oh, cute. 137 00:05:27,885 --> 00:05:30,019 Oh, my God. 138 00:05:30,021 --> 00:05:31,387 Okay, I can't look. 139 00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:33,256 What do you think's gonna happen to her? 140 00:05:33,258 --> 00:05:35,091 Ab, if this is too scary for you, we can go. 141 00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:36,758 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. 142 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,427 Yeah, it's just kind of scary not knowing, 143 00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:40,262 like, what's gonna happen next. 144 00:05:41,599 --> 00:05:44,566 We gotta do new stuff and expand. 145 00:05:44,568 --> 00:05:46,101 It's the best part of life! 146 00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:48,770 Even if we are scared and terrified, we gotta do it... 147 00:05:48,772 --> 00:05:50,739 like, new parts of the world, new ideas, 148 00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,593 new... new parts of the... the country. 149 00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:54,309 - Ooh, like Queens. - Yeah, yeah. 150 00:05:54,311 --> 00:05:56,211 Or, like, further wherever, you know? 151 00:05:56,213 --> 00:05:57,579 Like, I'm in, dude. 152 00:05:57,581 --> 00:06:00,752 Girl, I love inner. Go in. Go deep. 153 00:06:00,763 --> 00:06:02,773 And, you know, when your best friend is by your side, 154 00:06:02,784 --> 00:06:04,219 there's nothing to fear. 155 00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:08,156 Oh, man. 156 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,993 Ew, do you smell that? 157 00:06:11,995 --> 00:06:14,763 Yeah, someone must have crop-dusted us all, huh? 158 00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,464 Brilliant theatrical choice! 159 00:06:16,466 --> 00:06:18,767 It was me. 160 00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:19,834 Wait. 161 00:06:22,505 --> 00:06:24,205 Oh, my God. Shitfuck. 162 00:06:24,207 --> 00:06:25,725 Nurses are never good. 163 00:06:25,736 --> 00:06:28,442 Although I do love the long-lost art of letter-writing. 164 00:06:28,444 --> 00:06:30,611 I'm just like, "Where are the chills and/or thrills?" 165 00:06:30,613 --> 00:06:32,346 You know, I want to be either really scared 166 00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:34,448 - or really horny. - Are you kidding me? 167 00:06:34,450 --> 00:06:36,280 This is the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen. 168 00:06:36,291 --> 00:06:38,096 Oh, my God! 169 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:39,907 I don't want to go on! 170 00:06:41,290 --> 00:06:43,190 Yeah, it's working. 171 00:06:43,192 --> 00:06:44,658 It's working. 172 00:06:46,062 --> 00:06:49,329 Gorgeous cursive. 173 00:06:49,331 --> 00:06:52,632 Yes! Candy! Okay, jackpot. 174 00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,401 Oh, my God. 175 00:06:54,403 --> 00:06:56,070 Except... 176 00:06:56,072 --> 00:06:58,338 I know what's going on. This is like... 177 00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:00,340 What if this is like a little sweet spot 178 00:07:00,342 --> 00:07:01,909 so they... you let your guard down 179 00:07:01,911 --> 00:07:03,461 'cause you're, like, surrounded by candy, 180 00:07:03,472 --> 00:07:05,248 and then this is where they really hit you 181 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,715 with, like, the terrifying, like, terrible stuff. 182 00:07:07,717 --> 00:07:10,184 Chill out. Nothing terrible's gonna happen. 183 00:07:10,186 --> 00:07:13,120 - I mean, you don't know that, but... - In fact... 184 00:07:13,122 --> 00:07:16,022 I know how to make - a sweet memory even sweeter. 185 00:07:16,024 --> 00:07:17,590 Okay. 186 00:07:17,592 --> 00:07:21,227 Abbi, you are the best thing 187 00:07:21,229 --> 00:07:22,517 that's ever come into my life, 188 00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:24,063 and I know I'm taking a big swing here, 189 00:07:24,065 --> 00:07:25,765 but I'm just gonna go for it. 190 00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:28,167 So, as I look for a roommate to replace Jaimé, 191 00:07:28,169 --> 00:07:29,568 I'm thinking, like, 192 00:07:29,570 --> 00:07:31,337 "Abbi and I spend a lot of time together. 193 00:07:31,339 --> 00:07:33,368 "We get along." 194 00:07:33,379 --> 00:07:36,575 Why not spend more time together? 195 00:07:36,577 --> 00:07:39,178 I'm talking covering each other's rent once in a while. 196 00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:42,014 I'm talking knowing what each other's orgasms sound like 197 00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:44,083 instead of merely fantasizing about it. 198 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,653 Abbi Gary Anna Abrams... 199 00:07:51,258 --> 00:07:54,059 will you be my roommate? 200 00:07:58,465 --> 00:07:59,831 Uh, I... 201 00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:01,199 You know what? 202 00:08:01,201 --> 00:08:03,135 Don't even worry about it. Never happened. Uh, I... 203 00:08:03,146 --> 00:08:04,602 I-I get it. 204 00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:06,437 I acknowledged the swing-size, 205 00:08:06,439 --> 00:08:08,506 and I even secured a backup offer. 206 00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:10,976 She's very fucking cool, so it's... it's chill. 207 00:08:10,978 --> 00:08:12,244 It's... It's chill. I really... 208 00:08:12,246 --> 00:08:13,544 It's cool. 209 00:08:13,546 --> 00:08:15,213 No. No, no, no... Wait, wait, wait. 210 00:08:15,215 --> 00:08:16,581 Dude, not... It's... 211 00:08:17,717 --> 00:08:19,317 Fuck. Okay. 212 00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:21,753 You're scaring me. 213 00:08:21,755 --> 00:08:24,721 I-I didn't want to tell you when we were in here. 214 00:08:24,723 --> 00:08:25,890 All right, all right. 215 00:08:25,892 --> 00:08:27,658 I-I was going to tell you today. 216 00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:30,594 Um, I got accepted 217 00:08:30,596 --> 00:08:33,964 to an artists' residency program 218 00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:38,202 in Boulder... 219 00:08:38,204 --> 00:08:41,438 Colorado. 220 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,441 And I'm gonna go. 221 00:08:45,912 --> 00:08:49,379 I was, um, gonna sell my shit 222 00:08:49,381 --> 00:08:55,285 and use this as an opportunity to move. 223 00:08:58,225 --> 00:08:59,858 - What... - Ilana! 224 00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:01,426 - the fuck... - Dude? Ilana? 225 00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:03,261 - are you talking about?! - Ow! 226 00:09:03,263 --> 00:09:04,596 Ilana, um... 227 00:09:04,598 --> 00:09:07,398 We need to get you into therapy today. 228 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,735 This is an emergency, okay?! 229 00:09:09,737 --> 00:09:11,069 This is an emergency! 230 00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:12,604 Okay, fun fact-o, Ilana... 231 00:09:12,606 --> 00:09:15,774 Did you know that you could fly to Boulder 232 00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:17,575 on a connecting flight through O'Hare 233 00:09:17,577 --> 00:09:20,860 with a layover in Pittsburgh for $42? I mean... 234 00:09:20,871 --> 00:09:23,539 I had never looked up how to fly to "Boulder." 235 00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:24,602 Ew! 236 00:09:24,613 --> 00:09:26,012 - All right, all right. - O'Hare?! 237 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,452 I don't know what that is! 238 00:09:27,454 --> 00:09:28,486 Is that Gaelic?! 239 00:09:28,488 --> 00:09:29,587 This is a little... 240 00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:30,956 Google, what is Boulder?! 241 00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,190 Jesus! 242 00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:33,725 - No! - God. 243 00:09:33,727 --> 00:09:35,381 You didn't even tell me you were applying. 244 00:09:35,392 --> 00:09:37,398 Do you not consider me someone to talk shit through with? 245 00:09:37,409 --> 00:09:40,931 - Are we not partners in that way? - Of course I do, Ilana. 246 00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,468 You're my only friend. 247 00:09:45,605 --> 00:09:47,754 Well, I guess you've been stuck with me for awhile, 248 00:09:47,765 --> 00:09:49,657 but not anymore. 249 00:09:49,668 --> 00:09:51,976 No, dude, no. I-I don't feel that way. 250 00:09:51,978 --> 00:09:53,944 Ilana, wait. Just wait. 251 00:09:59,252 --> 00:10:01,118 Oh, my goodness. 252 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,887 Ilana? 253 00:10:02,889 --> 00:10:04,656 Yeah. Vulva. 254 00:10:04,658 --> 00:10:07,958 You have ruined the best part of this interactive production for me. 255 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,093 Not now. 256 00:10:09,095 --> 00:10:11,461 I'm sorry, dude. I-I'm sorry. 257 00:10:11,463 --> 00:10:14,799 I feel really stuck in my life right now, okay? 258 00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:16,000 Nope. Nothing. 259 00:10:16,002 --> 00:10:17,467 I need a change. 260 00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:19,469 This is just like you with grad school. 261 00:10:19,471 --> 00:10:21,806 I mean, you were settling into a track 262 00:10:21,808 --> 00:10:23,740 and figuring out your career. 263 00:10:23,742 --> 00:10:25,642 Yeah, but I picked a school in New York. 264 00:10:25,644 --> 00:10:28,813 I factored you in. I always factor you in. 265 00:10:28,815 --> 00:10:30,815 Otherwise, I would've talked to you about it. 266 00:10:30,817 --> 00:10:34,451 I know. I-I know. I-I'm sorry. 267 00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:37,354 Well, does... does anybody else know? 268 00:10:37,356 --> 00:10:41,257 I mean, I just talked to my mom and... and your mom. 269 00:10:41,259 --> 00:10:43,327 You told my mom?! 270 00:10:43,329 --> 00:10:45,028 That is so violating to me. 271 00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:50,166 I'm sorry. Just hold on a second. 272 00:10:50,168 --> 00:10:51,868 Ilana? 273 00:10:57,743 --> 00:11:01,164 What a bitch. 274 00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:08,051 Ilana, come on. 275 00:11:08,053 --> 00:11:12,755 I... can... not believe... 276 00:11:12,757 --> 00:11:15,524 that you would not tell me this shit 277 00:11:15,526 --> 00:11:17,593 if there was even a chance of you going. 278 00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:21,430 Dude, I was scared. I-I mean, I'm still scared. 279 00:11:21,432 --> 00:11:23,432 Do you think that I want to leave you? 280 00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:26,034 No, I almost wish I didn't even get in 281 00:11:26,036 --> 00:11:27,503 so I wouldn't even have to do this. 282 00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:28,604 Ha ha ha. 283 00:11:28,606 --> 00:11:29,805 Like you're not gonna get in 284 00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:31,741 to some art program you apply to. 285 00:11:31,743 --> 00:11:36,144 You are the best artist in the world of all time! 286 00:11:36,146 --> 00:11:37,913 No, I'm not. 287 00:11:37,915 --> 00:11:39,882 Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. 288 00:11:39,884 --> 00:11:42,518 I need to go out and do this thing 289 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,854 and... and have an audience that's more than just you 290 00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:47,789 and... and my parents. 291 00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,557 This is the first opportunity I have had 292 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:53,327 to finally live and breathe art 293 00:11:53,329 --> 00:11:55,229 rather than breathing in, 294 00:11:55,231 --> 00:11:57,899 like, leftover prosciutto-wrapped dates 295 00:11:57,901 --> 00:12:00,368 that I stole from my catering gig. 296 00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:02,069 They're so good, though. 297 00:12:02,071 --> 00:12:04,572 Yeah, I know. That's why I continually take them, 298 00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:06,574 but, I mean, then rats come, 299 00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,643 and I just, like, haven't figured out how to... 300 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,911 It wouldn't be an issue 301 00:12:09,913 --> 00:12:11,713 and you wouldn't have to leave New York 302 00:12:11,715 --> 00:12:13,415 if you just flushed them down the toilet 303 00:12:13,417 --> 00:12:14,783 or wrapped them in tinfoil 304 00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:16,551 and then put them in a five-gallon Ziploc. 305 00:12:16,553 --> 00:12:18,620 It's not about me not knowing how to flush them. 306 00:12:18,622 --> 00:12:19,921 It's not about that. 307 00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:21,655 I mean, it is a teeny bit about, like, 308 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,657 the methodical strategies 309 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:25,793 in which we have to avoid rats. 310 00:12:25,795 --> 00:12:27,661 For the past eight years, 311 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:32,099 I have cleaned out - hundreds of people's pubes 312 00:12:32,101 --> 00:12:33,600 out of toilet bowls. 313 00:12:33,602 --> 00:12:38,772 So many strangers... so many... 314 00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:40,274 have thrown up on me. 315 00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:43,610 You do get thrown up on an exorbitant amount. 316 00:12:43,612 --> 00:12:45,612 Yeah. 317 00:12:45,614 --> 00:12:50,151 Dude, I am 30 years old. 318 00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:51,852 I'm done with New York. 319 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,687 Yeah. 320 00:12:54,689 --> 00:12:56,489 I get it. 321 00:12:56,491 --> 00:12:58,558 I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. 322 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,793 I'm really... I'm gross. 323 00:13:00,795 --> 00:13:03,463 I made this all about me, and it's not about me. 324 00:13:03,465 --> 00:13:05,698 But I thought you would've told me, 325 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,834 but, you know, I just need time. 326 00:13:07,836 --> 00:13:09,769 I need time to process this, I... 327 00:13:09,771 --> 00:13:12,439 process the thought of you leaving. 328 00:13:12,441 --> 00:13:14,874 Once I have that for a few months, 329 00:13:14,876 --> 00:13:16,843 you know, whatever... see my therapist, 330 00:13:16,845 --> 00:13:18,511 double up for a little while, 331 00:13:18,513 --> 00:13:20,646 and... and push it through a little bit. 332 00:13:20,648 --> 00:13:22,983 Just a little time, and it'll be okay. 333 00:13:22,985 --> 00:13:26,319 I'll be there to support you, I promise. 334 00:13:28,755 --> 00:13:30,022 So, speaking of... 335 00:13:30,024 --> 00:13:32,324 - Sorry. - Speaking of time... 336 00:13:32,326 --> 00:13:34,793 Speaking of... Uh, speaking of time... 337 00:13:38,532 --> 00:13:44,069 So, the... the program starts in two weeks. 338 00:13:51,078 --> 00:13:53,940 What... are... you talking about?! 339 00:13:53,951 --> 00:13:55,314 Don't leave! 340 00:13:55,316 --> 00:13:56,482 Oh, my God. Stop doing this. 341 00:13:56,484 --> 00:13:58,350 We've had years together, bitch! 342 00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,419 - You crazy fucking bitch! - Holy shit. 343 00:14:00,421 --> 00:14:03,154 - What are you talking about?! - Ilana, stop. Ilana? 344 00:14:12,682 --> 00:14:15,450 So, uh, what do you want to do now? 345 00:14:15,461 --> 00:14:17,461 I think we should just go home. 346 00:14:17,463 --> 00:14:20,530 Come on, Ilana. We can't end today like this. 347 00:14:20,532 --> 00:14:22,031 It's still early. 348 00:14:27,706 --> 00:14:29,439 Thank you. 349 00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:31,174 Wow. Oh, my God. 350 00:14:31,176 --> 00:14:34,310 I need something in my stomach so bad. 351 00:14:39,817 --> 00:14:42,518 Are you not... you're not into it? 352 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,553 I'm just not that hungry. 353 00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:47,190 Ilana... 354 00:14:47,192 --> 00:14:48,491 you are the best friend 355 00:14:48,493 --> 00:14:51,694 I have ever had in my whole life. 356 00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:55,031 And I know that everybody is leaving. 357 00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:57,466 I'm sorry. I know that this is, like, 358 00:14:57,468 --> 00:14:59,702 the worst timing. 359 00:14:59,704 --> 00:15:03,672 I just... Dude, I... 360 00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:06,342 I need to, like, change my life. 361 00:15:06,344 --> 00:15:09,978 I could do this in New York with you forever. 362 00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:12,080 Exactly. 363 00:15:12,082 --> 00:15:16,385 I don't want to. 364 00:15:16,387 --> 00:15:19,422 Not because of you... not because I don't want to do this with you. 365 00:15:19,424 --> 00:15:22,024 It's just, I'm gonna be illustrating 366 00:15:22,026 --> 00:15:23,526 all day, every day. 367 00:15:23,528 --> 00:15:26,762 Like, all the time, I'm gonna be immersed in it. 368 00:15:26,764 --> 00:15:30,900 I need you to be with me for this next journey, dude. 369 00:15:30,902 --> 00:15:34,570 I... Like, I need that. 370 00:15:34,572 --> 00:15:37,640 You ruined "Sleep No More" for me. 371 00:15:37,642 --> 00:15:40,943 I didn't even get to get off during the orgy scene. 372 00:15:40,945 --> 00:15:44,078 Get off? In the... In the room? 373 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,582 People do. It's really dark. 374 00:15:47,584 --> 00:15:52,720 You know, Ab, I've always looked up to you, 375 00:15:52,722 --> 00:15:54,923 and I've always admired you 376 00:15:54,925 --> 00:15:57,892 for being a deep and mysterious queen, 377 00:15:57,894 --> 00:16:01,195 but I'm gonna be... 378 00:16:01,197 --> 00:16:03,264 right there with you. 379 00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:06,968 I'm gonna watch you and... 380 00:16:06,970 --> 00:16:10,104 let you fly, or whatever. 381 00:16:10,106 --> 00:16:16,176 I know that this residency is gonna be a good experi... 382 00:16:16,178 --> 00:16:17,711 Ew. 383 00:16:19,047 --> 00:16:21,314 - Mm. Wow. Sorry. - You all right? 384 00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:24,918 What I mean to say is that I know 385 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,955 that this experience is necessary 386 00:16:27,957 --> 00:16:31,057 for your growth. Ew. 387 00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:36,029 Okay. 388 00:16:36,031 --> 00:16:37,130 Sorry. Sorry. 389 00:16:37,132 --> 00:16:38,331 You all right? Okay. 390 00:16:40,102 --> 00:16:41,167 I'm really proud of you. 391 00:16:44,039 --> 00:16:45,806 Thank you so much, dude. 392 00:16:45,808 --> 00:16:48,074 That means the world to me, really. 393 00:16:48,076 --> 00:16:50,276 Listen, Ilana, you're gonna become, 394 00:16:50,278 --> 00:16:52,845 like, this badass therapist who teaches people to grow 395 00:16:52,847 --> 00:16:54,807 the way you helped me grow. 396 00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:57,111 I mean, you're gonna teach them how to feel their feelings 397 00:16:57,122 --> 00:16:59,352 and how to do sex the right way. 398 00:16:59,354 --> 00:17:02,122 - There's no right way. - See? 399 00:17:02,124 --> 00:17:03,823 This is what I'm talking about. 400 00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:05,858 Can I ask one thing of you? 401 00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:08,561 Anything, dude. Whatever. 402 00:17:08,563 --> 00:17:11,531 I want more of your hair. 403 00:17:13,468 --> 00:17:15,468 I want a long-ass tail for sniffing. 404 00:17:20,766 --> 00:17:22,199 I-I shape my phone wigs 405 00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:24,377 when the train gets stuck between stations. 406 00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,311 Um, so... 407 00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:28,880 Okay. Sure. 408 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,683 I-I-I would love to. 409 00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,218 Ab. 410 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,454 I'm not talking about shavings. 411 00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:36,855 The root. 412 00:17:36,857 --> 00:17:40,025 You should feel metal on your scalp skin. 413 00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:41,660 Okay. 414 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,802 Thank you. 415 00:17:52,773 --> 00:17:54,306 Okay. 416 00:17:59,046 --> 00:18:02,646 Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know when the sun's gonna set, 417 00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,615 but maybe we can, like, walk a little bit down... 418 00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:06,584 Okay. 419 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,718 Talk soon. 420 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,487 Okay, handshake. 421 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,365 Yeah, so, you can move in straight up tomorrow. 422 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:25,203 Yes! Amazing! Thank you! 423 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,705 And I'm sorry about that backup-offer shit before. 424 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,673 I promise I will be a normal roommate. 425 00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:32,310 Oh, I-I forgot to tell you one small thing... 426 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:36,946 Well, actually, two really big things. 427 00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,848 I have two Great Danes. 428 00:18:38,850 --> 00:18:40,717 Is that cool? 429 00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,586 Yeah. 430 00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,754 Yes! I'm so glad you love dogs. 431 00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:47,124 Later. 432 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,400 Okay. 433 00:19:16,379 --> 00:19:19,515 Oh, my God. Lookit, they love you! 434 00:19:21,128 --> 00:19:23,394 Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go, come on, come on. 435 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:24,729 Come with Mama. 436 00:19:25,394 --> 00:19:26,526 Come on, let's go. 437 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,244 What? 438 00:19:34,255 --> 00:19:36,625 Okay, um, Ilana, please don't hang up. 439 00:19:36,636 --> 00:19:38,276 I-I know you need space right now, 440 00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:39,917 and... and I really want to respect that, 441 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,623 but you have asked me this... 442 00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:46,560 hundreds of times, literally, since the moment I met you, 443 00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:50,440 and it looks like today is the day. 444 00:19:53,936 --> 00:19:55,769 I'm gonna show you my poop. 445 00:19:57,306 --> 00:19:59,306 Oh, my God. 446 00:19:59,308 --> 00:20:00,807 This means so much to me. 447 00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,343 Okay. 448 00:20:03,345 --> 00:20:05,845 Here we go. 449 00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,518 Fuck! 450 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,020 Queen! You must be an Ashkenazi Jew 451 00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:16,590 'cause you are lactose in-toler-ant! 452 00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:18,125 - Right? - No way could that have been 453 00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:19,726 all in your stomach at one time! 454 00:20:19,728 --> 00:20:22,027 It was definitely exiting your esophagus 455 00:20:22,029 --> 00:20:23,862 as it was entering your small intestine. 456 00:20:23,864 --> 00:20:25,198 - Whoo! - I do feel lighter. 457 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,633 Hoo! Thank you. Wow. 458 00:20:27,635 --> 00:20:30,603 Ilana, I needed that to work, dude. 459 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:33,072 I am so sorry, and I knew 460 00:20:33,074 --> 00:20:36,375 that showing you my poop would cheer you up. 461 00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,177 ♪ My poop ♪ 462 00:20:38,179 --> 00:20:40,580 ♪ My poop, my poop ♪ 463 00:20:40,582 --> 00:20:42,348 ♪ My poop ♪ 464 00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,005 - You sound good. - Thanks. 465 00:20:44,016 --> 00:20:46,252 I-I did it a few times before I called you. 466 00:20:46,254 --> 00:20:49,021 You know, I-I guess this distance thing 467 00:20:49,023 --> 00:20:51,090 could make us closer in some ways. 468 00:20:51,092 --> 00:20:52,691 Thank you for saying that. 469 00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:54,827 Ab. 470 00:20:54,829 --> 00:20:56,328 Can I see it one more time? 471 00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:57,862 Okay, one more time. 472 00:20:57,864 --> 00:20:59,297 And then I really have to flush, 473 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,533 'cause I, like, can't breathe in here anymore. 474 00:21:01,535 --> 00:21:03,668 Oh, Jesus. 475 00:21:03,670 --> 00:21:05,069 Dude, no! 476 00:21:05,071 --> 00:21:08,206 Ilana, no screenshots. Delete that. That's not fair. 477 00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:10,776 Yamaneika! Come here! 478 00:21:11,025 --> 00:21:13,626 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 479 00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:17,070 Ilana, I need to talk to you about something. 480 00:21:17,072 --> 00:21:20,534 I got accepted into an artists' residency program 481 00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:24,110 in Boulder, Colorado. 482 00:21:24,112 --> 00:21:28,261 Ilana, say something! For crying out loud, dude! 483 00:21:28,272 --> 00:21:29,404 Talk to me! 34419

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