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1
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:06,480
(ENGINE REVVING)
2
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,440
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
3
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,720
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
4
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,040
-(APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES)
-Hello, everybody.
5
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,080
Hel-lo!
6
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,360
-How you doing?
-Thank you.
7
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,440
Thank you.
8
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,800
-Thank you.
-Welcome.
9
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,840
JEREMY: Thank you so much.
10
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:20,040
Thank you and coming up
in this incredibly
exciting show:
11
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,080
a young woman
changes a wheel...
12
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,720
(SHE GRUNTS)
13
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,680
...an older woman
drinks some lager...
14
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,280
...and Richard
looks at a book.
15
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,200
Look at that.
16
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,400
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
17
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,360
However...
18
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,560
However, we begin
with a film from James May,
19
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,120
who's in his 80s.
20
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,520
-What?
-(LAUGHTER)
21
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,080
No, wait, sorry.
22
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,920
We begin with a film from
James May about the '80s.
23
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,240
Yes. Thank you.
24
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,680
The '80s, a time of
marvellous excess -
25
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,720
you know, Gordon Gekko
and big shoulder pads
26
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,680
and of course
incredible supercars -
27
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,040
the greatest of which,
without question,
28
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,520
was this one.
29
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,160
The Ferrari Testarossa...
30
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,240
...was excess on wheels...
31
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,520
...be it looks...
32
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,160
...attitude...
33
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,440
...or even size.
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00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,160
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
35
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,160
When this car came out,
people were absolutely aghast
36
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,000
at how wide this car was.
37
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,800
I don't mean wide
like Del Boy,
38
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,720
I mean wide as in width.
39
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,680
It was enormous!
Especially at the back.
40
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,680
And it simply oozed charisma
41
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,400
from every one
of its slatted panels.
42
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,920
It was unquestionably...
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00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,160
...the only car that
could star in Miami Vice.
44
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,200
(MIAMI VICE THEME)
45
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,320
In fact, Enzo Ferrari
loved that show so much,
46
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,600
he actually gave its star,
Don Johnson,
47
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,640
his own Testarossa.
48
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,080
And Don was just the tip
of the celebrity iceberg.
49
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,560
Rod Stewart had one,
Elton John had one,
50
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600
Mike Tyson had one,
51
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,320
OJ Simpson had one.
52
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,200
And presumably
wore driving gloves.
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00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,200
The price of this car,
when it went on sale in 1985,
54
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:32,840
was £62,666.
55
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,640
That is,
as I'm sure you know,
the number of the beast.
56
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,800
And, when you unleashed
its five-litre V12...
57
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,200
(ENGINE REVVING)
58
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,720
...it would do
180 miles an hour.
59
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,000
That was an astonishing
figure for the time.
60
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,760
It had the speed
and the celebrity fan base.
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00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,440
But the Testarossa was not
what you'd call politically
correct.
62
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,720
Consider, for example,
that the window switches
63
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,200
are tiny little things hidden
here on the centre console.
64
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,840
Where you'd expect
them to be,
65
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,160
that...well, obviously,
it's a huge ashtray.
66
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,560
In fact, if they'd given
that a mirrored lid,
67
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,600
it could have had two uses.
68
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,920
If the 1980s were
the era of excess, then,
69
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,560
well, this was
the perfect car for the era.
70
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,920
I'm afraid Mr May has just
been wasting your time rather
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00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,200
because that is not
the ultimate '80s supercar.
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00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,920
This is.
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00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,560
For sheer over-the-topness,
74
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,160
nothing comes close to
the Lamborghini Countach.
75
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,040
Alongside it,
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00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,360
the Testarossa looks
like a family hatchback.
77
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,920
If you think
the Ferrari is wide,
78
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,920
this is even wider.
79
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,240
And the Testarossa's doors
don't open like this.
80
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,000
(ENGINE REVVING)
81
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,680
This version of the Countach,
the LP5000,
82
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,520
was launched in 1985,
83
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,160
specifically to put the
Testarossa back in its box.
84
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,640
Its 48-valve,
5.2 litre-V12...
85
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,200
...can take the Countach
to 186 miles an hour,
86
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:34,400
or to be precise,
more than the Ferrari.
87
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,400
In fact, in its day, this was
the fastest production car
in the world.
88
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,120
I've got a Kevlar bonnet,
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00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:46,040
I've got rear tyres
the size of road rollers.
90
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,280
(TYRES SCREECH)
91
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,560
We're talking
ultimate supercar here.
92
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,320
And this incredible
machine...
93
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:59,480
...came from a company
that didn't have half
the resources of Ferrari.
94
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,600
Let me give you an example.
95
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,640
This car might look
super aerodynamic,
like a missile.
96
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,560
But in fact, it never saw
the inside of a wind tunnel.
97
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,600
They couldn't afford
to put it in one.
98
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:15,600
So instead, they ran
a prototype up and down
the motorway,
99
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,560
with bits of wool
stuck all over it.
100
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,200
I love that!
101
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,560
Oh, hello. Here he comes.
102
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,480
(TYRES SCREECHING)
103
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:30,800
The also-ran.
104
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,280
Mr Silver Medallist.
105
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,160
(SNORTS)
106
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,840
The trouble with
that Lamborghini is,
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00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,920
it's a bit "all mouth
and no trousers."
108
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960
Fastest car in the world,
my arse!
109
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,680
Even Lamborghini will admit
they ran slightly hooky cars
110
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,600
when they did
the performance testing.
111
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,920
They took the mirrors off and
stripped weight out of them.
112
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,640
Absolute flim-flam.
113
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,600
(TYRES SCREECH)
114
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,400
The thing is,
supercars, to me,
115
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,840
are all about
being the ultimate.
116
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,880
It doesn't matter what
that is, but it has to be
an ultimate.
117
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,320
And this is the ultimate
bedroom wall poster car.
118
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,080
When I first saw
one of these as a kid,
119
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,600
it lit a flame in my heart.
120
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,920
And when I saw one today,
as a middle-aged man,
121
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,560
that same flame
roared into life.
122
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,440
(ENGINES REVVING,
TYRES SCREECHING)
123
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,160
Listen to that noise!
124
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,760
(EXHAUST BACKFIRING)
125
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,080
It's like a gun going off!
126
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:47,160
The problem is, the
Lamborghini Countach
wasn't really a car.
127
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:51,280
It wasn't really for
driving...but this was.
128
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,080
It's got a proper boot,
a decent-sized fuel tank,
129
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,600
it's got comfortable seats.
130
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,520
It's actually a continent
crushing touring car.
131
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,240
(ENGINE REVVING)
132
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,600
Eventually, we pulled over
133
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,560
so we could continue
arguing face to chest.
134
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,800
Oh, brakes on. Brilliant.
135
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,760
JAMES: On the line.
136
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,360
Right.
137
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,760
Oh, that's not...
138
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,240
That doesn't help much
in there.
139
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,880
You can't see behind you,
can you?
140
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,120
I just want to be really
accurate and you can help.
141
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,880
That's in the way
and that's in the way.
142
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,760
That's why the early ones
had a periscope.
143
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,920
I've got a better idea.
There's a cool thing
I can do here.
144
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,520
If you sit here
like...this...
145
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,200
...and then you can put it
in reverse, there...
146
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,640
You're gonna run over
your own foot.
147
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,840
-On no RPM. How cool is this?
-Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes.
148
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,880
-I look pretty cool.
-You're all right.
149
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,400
You're all right.
150
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,320
-I'm in my car but not--
-Bit of left hand down.
151
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,880
-What? Oh, yeah.
-Left hand down.
152
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,760
It's like being out of
the side of a helicopter
in Vietnam.
153
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,080
It's that cool. Yeah.
154
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,520
I was just explaining to the
viewers before we stopped
155
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,080
what a sham this car is.
156
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,120
That rear wing has no effect
157
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,720
other than
to slow the car down
158
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,080
and make the front go light
when you're at high speed.
159
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,120
It's actually worse than that
cos it's illegal.
160
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,000
They didn't have the money
to homologate it properly.
161
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,040
So they'd build the cars
in the factory
162
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,760
then wheel them out
into the car park
163
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,440
and a man screwed them on
with a power drill.
164
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,520
Genuinely.
And I love that about it!
165
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,360
-In the car park?
-In the car park,
finished it off. I love that!
166
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,840
Why don't we tell the viewers
how the indicator stalk on
your supercar...
167
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,480
(LAUGHING) ...comes
from a Morris Marina?
168
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,200
Well, why don't
we talk about the fact
169
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,040
that the electric door mirror
adjustors on yours
170
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,600
are out of an Austin Montego?
171
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,400
-I was hoping
you didn't know that.
-I did.
172
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,880
Ahem. Rod Stewart
had a Testarossa.
173
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,640
Rod Stewart had a Countach.
174
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,720
Oh, yeah.
175
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,600
JAMES:
Unable to agree on anything,
176
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,880
we decided to take a more
intellectual approach...
177
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,640
...by having a drag race.
178
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,280
Now, on paper,
the Lamborghini is faster,
definitely.
179
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,280
But as we've already
observed,
180
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,040
Lamborghini were a bit
fast and loose with
their performance figures
181
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,520
back in the day.
182
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,400
So now, finally,
we can find out for real.
183
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,520
However,
as we sat on the start line,
184
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,760
something occurred to us.
185
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,480
These are privately owned
cars, aren't they?
186
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:23,960
RICHARD: Correct, yeah.
187
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,520
Well, the thing is,
188
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,600
Testarossas don't really
like standing starts,
189
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,880
cos they tend to blow
their own differentials up.
190
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,280
How much is
a new differential?
191
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,160
It's £26,000.
192
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,200
Actually, I'm quite glad
you've mentioned that.
193
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,240
Because these don't like
standing starts either.
194
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,280
It's those huge rear tyres.
195
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,720
You get a fried clutch
and a split gearbox casing.
196
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,880
JAMES:
How much does that cost?
197
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,200
-£36,000.
-Ooh!
198
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:55,360
So, in all,
that's £62,000 at risk.
199
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,240
I know. I fancy something
we don't normally do -
200
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,280
a rolling start drag race.
201
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,680
Yes, I do too! I've always
wanted to try a rolling
start drag race.
202
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,000
And for some reason,
today in these cars,
I prefer that option.
203
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,680
(ENGINES REVVING)
204
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,640
So, when the light
went green,
205
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,760
we gently pull away together.
206
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,760
And then,
at the white line, floor it.
207
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,360
(ENGINES REVVING)
208
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:25,960
Rolling start.
209
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,920
Across the line and bin it!
210
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:31,920
And they're off.
211
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,040
(ENGINE ACCELERATES)
212
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,640
He's getting away.
213
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,640
What an astonishing feeling!
214
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,080
Aww! An angry Countach!
215
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,040
140...
216
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,360
Agh!
217
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,760
-(CHUCKLES)
JAMES: There you go.
218
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,720
The bull has kicked
the horse's arse.
219
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,400
Even through that
ridiculously small window,
220
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,840
you look smug.
221
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,440
Oh, I am, mate,
because I won.
222
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,280
And it matters.
223
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,320
It does matter,
that's the annoying thing.
224
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,080
It really matters.
225
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,920
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
226
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,280
RICHARD: Legendary cars.
They are legends.
227
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,960
-Fabulous.
-It was a privilege,
wasn't it?
228
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,040
-Special.
-Yeah.
229
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,720
A couple of things I think
you forgot to mention
in that film.
230
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,240
The Countach.
231
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,440
The steering feels like
it's set in concrete,
232
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,680
so does the gear lever,
so do the pedals.
233
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,360
And if you use
the air conditioning,
234
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,280
it's like you're being
breathed on by a hot dog.
235
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,680
(LAUGHTER)
236
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,640
He is right about that.
237
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,560
And you can't talk either,
cos your roly-poly barge
Testarossa
238
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,560
was, as you said, driven
by a man from Miami Vice
239
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,600
who rolled
his jacket sleeves up.
240
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,160
The Duke of Edinburgh
doesn't do that, does he?
241
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,360
-Earl Haig doesn't do that.
-Hang on a minute!
242
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,800
-What?
-By attacking those cars,
243
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,840
you are destroying
the very foundations
244
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,040
of everything we love
and hold precious.
245
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,160
Mm-hm. And now it's time
to destroy them
a little bit more
246
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:14,440
by seeing how slowly those
cars go round The Eboladrome.
247
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,760
(ENGINE REVS)
248
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,800
And it's off in a
clutch-slipping, smoky start.
249
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,840
Ooh, it's wet.
250
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,440
And look at that lunging
and pitching there.
251
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:28,240
As she heads on to the Isn't.
252
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,840
Having a look at the gear
lever, make sure
it hasn't fallen off.
253
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:34,120
Sleeves very sensibly
rolled down.
254
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,920
Look at the body roll on it.
Here we go.
255
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,640
Oh, she's fighting
the wheel there.
256
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,880
More lean, as she lunges down
to Your Name Here.
257
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,720
It really is dodge,
duck, dip, dive.
258
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,800
It's like watching Dodgeball,
only slower.
259
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,680
And less amusing.
260
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,720
Another glance down
at the gear lever.
261
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,280
And now ringing out
that flat 12.
262
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,480
Powerboating back towards
Old Lady's House
263
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,440
in a wake of spray.
264
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,880
I can't imagine
she's enjoying this.
265
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,360
Right, hard on the brakes.
266
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,360
Taking a wisely cautious
line in there.
267
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,480
Has it stopped?
No, still moving, just.
268
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:20,680
And now, yeah, lumbering
towards Substation.
269
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,520
In fairness,
it does sound quite good.
270
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:23,920
(ENGINE ROARS)
271
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,960
Very good, actually.
272
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,800
Wallowing through there
like a Rolls-Royce Corniche.
273
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,840
Just Field of Sheep to go.
274
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,880
Yes, she's sliding it!
275
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,840
And across the line.
276
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,320
-She's nuts.
-That was absolutely nuts.
277
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,080
Sliding a Testarossa -
I wouldn't do that
for all the tea in China.
278
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,240
Technical point that might
confuse the viewers.
279
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,520
You just said,
"The roar from the flat 12,"
280
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,800
which is sort of right
but I said, "V12,"
281
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,920
which is also sort of right,
cos it's not a boxer.
282
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,480
So it's a 180-degree
flat V12.
283
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,800
-Like that.
-Literally not interested.
284
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,880
-It's a flat--
-(LAUGHTER)
285
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,160
It's a flattish V12.
286
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,240
Anyway, it's now time to
see how the Lambo got on.
287
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,280
(ENGINE REVVING)
288
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,680
And it's a snappier start
for the Countach,
289
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,720
mashing its fat rear tyres
into that sodden Tarmac.
290
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,560
It really is sodden.
291
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,120
A quick look down to make
sure it's in gear there.
292
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:23,800
Now easing off through the
second curve on the straight.
293
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,600
And back on the power
towards Your Name here.
294
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,320
No need for Abbie
to go to the gym this week.
295
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,160
She's getting all the workout
she needs in the Lambo.
296
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,920
Turning in hard as she dare.
297
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,040
Rear wing doing
absolutely nothing as usual.
298
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,160
Ooh, I thought it
was gonna take off there!
299
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,240
And now the joyless
wrestle back towards
Old Lady's House.
300
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,240
Through the rain.
301
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,720
A rush of the brakes, I felt,
at the mid-point there.
302
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:01,760
Now, much harder braking
and down through the gears.
303
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,960
It sounded like an angry
tractor at low revs.
304
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,920
And now in the damp dash
towards Substation.
305
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,240
(ENGINE REVVING)
306
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,760
That makes an even
better noise
307
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,000
than the Ferrari, really.
308
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,040
Brilliant.
Just two corners left.
309
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,040
Will she get this one
sliding in Field of Sheep?
310
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,360
Bit of a wiggle there but
through the Field of Sheep?
311
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,320
No, and there we are,
across the line!
312
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,760
-Brave.
-Brave.
313
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,760
Right.
314
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,760
Let's see where they go on
the board, Lamborghini first.
315
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,720
RICHARD: Hang on, that's
the bottom of the board.
316
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,520
JEREMY: They're not going
to the top, are they?
317
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,640
See, look at that.
30th place.
318
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,160
It's faster than
a Ford Fiesta.
319
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,200
I mean, come on.
That's pretty good.
320
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,480
JEREMY:
That is tragically slow!
321
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:51,080
-It was a long time ago!
-(JAMES LAUGHS)
322
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,160
It doesn't look good,
does it?
323
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,120
Honda Civic, Ford Focus -
they're all quicker.
324
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,320
All right, one good thing is,
325
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,920
the Testarossa can't be
much slower than that.
Let's find out.
326
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,080
-(LAUGHTER)
RICHARD: My God!
327
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,240
Oh, God!
328
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,960
It is faster than the Up!
329
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,680
And they're both in the wet
so that's a fair comparison.
330
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,720
Loser, I believe.
331
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,800
JEREMY: Look, I think
we have to face facts here.
332
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,800
They're two very slow cars.
333
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,440
But at least
they are expensive
334
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,680
and horrible to drive.
335
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:29,480
Anyway, now it's time to
bite into a cake of debate,
336
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,640
from the café of chat...
337
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,040
...on the corner of
Conversation Street.
338
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,000
(MELLOW JAZZ)
339
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,520
(LAUGHTER)
340
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,240
I think after 36 of those
we are running out of ideas.
341
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,080
It was getting desperate.
342
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,160
Now, any young people here,
343
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,200
looking forward
to driving maybe one day?
344
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,560
Thinking the future holds a
Ferrari for you, Lamborghini.
345
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,560
Afraid not.
There's a company in Aberdeen
346
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:07,080
who've decided that
the future actually will
look like this.
347
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,800
RICHARD: Oh, God.
-(LAUGHTER)
348
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,560
JAMES: Bloody hell.
RICHARD: Really?
349
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,040
JAMES: Electric?
350
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,320
JEREMY: Of course
they're electric, obviously.
351
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,400
Range of 35 miles.
They're stackable cars.
352
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,920
Wait, so they work like the
human centipede, then?
353
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,960
(LAUGHTER)
354
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,040
Not exactly like that, no.
355
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,920
No. No...
356
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,040
No.
357
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,080
What I mean is, they're all
connected together.
358
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,080
Yeah, they're connected,
exactly. They're connected.
359
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,040
Hang on, what if you're in
the one in the middle, right?
360
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,080
And you want to go
a different way
to the one in the front.
361
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,760
What are you gonna do?
362
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,040
It's worse than that.
If you're in the middle
363
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,800
and go a different way,
you won't have any wheels.
364
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,000
They'll be left attached
to the ones in the front
and back.
365
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,000
RICHARD:
There's not enough wheels.
366
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,760
I grant you, it looks
ridiculous that the front
and back separate.
367
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,800
"We've got no bloody wheels!"
368
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,720
Actually, it's an optical
illusion, the back wheels
are inboard.
369
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,320
So you do have wheels.
370
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,200
But what if
you were in the back one
371
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,440
and it was being driven
by Richard Hammond
from the front?
372
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,400
-You'd be bloody terrified.
-Oh, all right!
373
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,000
Yes, that is a point.
374
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,440
But I don't think you quite
understand how this works.
375
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,040
I'll need to check it out.
376
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,880
It's quite complicated
so bear with me.
377
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,800
You see, the idea is these
cars are sort of everywhere
for people to use.
378
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,720
And then at night, a man
goes round in the green one,
the one in front,
379
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,920
and he collects all the
others up behind him.
380
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,080
He's a bit like those men
you see at airports,
with all the trolleys,
381
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,240
and he ends up with that
two-mile snake that bashes
into your ankles.
382
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,440
-It's like that.
-So it gathers them all up?
383
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,040
So, hang on a minute.
You drive home
in the evening, say.
384
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,920
-Mm-hm.
-In your car.
385
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,080
You get up next morning
but it's gone because
a bloke's collected it?
386
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,800
-(LAUGHTER)
-Yeah.
387
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,240
That doesn't work
because most journeys
by car are two-way.
388
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,160
You get there,
then you need to get back.
389
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,080
Unless you're driving
to Dignitas.
390
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,280
No, they'd work for that.
391
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,440
Maybe it's a Dignitas
collection service.
392
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,320
The thing is, I'm going to
try and work out how it...
393
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,720
It's quite complicated.
They have actually...
394
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:02,000
There is a flow chart that
explains how it works.
Put that up.
395
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,520
-Here we are.
RICHARD: Oh, I see!
396
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,560
You're stabbed in the back
with a giant fork,
and briefcase,
397
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,800
then you bump into
one-and-two-thirds cars,
398
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,320
that turn into half a car,
that crash into a picture of
a train...
399
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,560
This makes no sense at all!
400
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,240
No, hang on a minute. You've
got that wrong, haven't you?
401
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,400
You get into two cars
but only drive off in
three-quarters of one.
402
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,440
And you go to the station,
because presumably
you're going somewhere,
403
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,760
but whilst you're going
somewhere, somebody
takes it and puts it back.
404
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,080
You get back to the station
you haven't got a bloody car!
405
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,320
That doesn't work!
406
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,320
No, what they're saying is,
407
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,560
the future is going to be
very inconvenient.
408
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,040
Yeah, it sounds that way.
409
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,000
That's basically
what they're actually saying.
410
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,080
I've got a blindingly good
idea, I'd like to run this
by you...
411
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,040
-Sure.
-...in a committee fashion.
412
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,240
What if...
we had a car of our own.
413
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,400
You could buy it or lease it,
but it was, like, your car.
414
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,440
And then...
No, it's crazy, I know.
415
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,160
Then there'd be
a pretty good chance
416
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,560
it would be wherever it was
when you last left it...
417
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,280
-when you came back to it.
-So all these people -
418
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,920
you've left cars in
the car park here, have you?
419
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,800
-So they'd still be there...
-That's exactly it!
420
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,240
They won't have
been collected up
by a random stranger.
421
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,240
Imagine this - you go out
and your car's still there.
Brilliant.
422
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,880
Let me run with that,
if I may.
423
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,960
What if you could run
these cars on a kind of
magic juice?
424
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,640
(LAUGHTER)
425
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,320
Takes two or three minutes
to replenish them,
426
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,000
you go hundreds of miles.
427
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,320
-What magic juice?
-Well, you could
get it from underground.
428
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,680
-What's it made of?
-Squashed prawns?
429
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,320
(LAUGHTER)
430
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,320
It's all sounding a bit
improbable, mate.
431
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,400
Well, let's take on the
company from Aberdeen
432
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,400
and see who gets it
more right.
433
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,320
Can I talk about
Robert Kubica?
434
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,240
Polish Formula One driver,
there's a picture of him now.
435
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,200
A few years ago,
eight years ago actually,
436
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,320
he had a terrible accident
while doing a spot of
rallying for fun.
437
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,440
That was the car.
You see the crash barrier
went into the car.
438
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,080
Broke every single bone on
the right side of his body,
439
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,400
everything from his heel
to his shoulder.
440
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,960
Had a seven-hour operation
to put his arm back on again,
441
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,560
and then 17 more operations
after that.
442
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,400
And his arm still
doesn't work properly,
443
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,480
but this weekend he is back
in a Formula One car.
444
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,520
And I'd just like say,
that's bloody brilliant.
445
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,560
What a man!
446
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,320
RICHARD: Determination.
447
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:10,760
Like um...
448
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,960
Mark Webber, OK,
the Aussie F1 guy,
449
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,720
former F1 guy,
450
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,920
he welcomed him back to
Formula One by tweeting:
451
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,840
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"Poland's man is coming back,
452
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,840
what a warrior
and tenacious prick he is."
453
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,200
Now, to be fair, to be fair
for an Australian,
454
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,200
that is getting quite
soppy and sentimental.
455
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,560
"Ah, yeah, he's a prick."
456
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,840
Oh, now.
As I'm sure you know,
457
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,840
there's a lot of work
going on at the moment
458
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,880
with sort of electric cars,
driverless cars
459
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,120
-and the future of
transportation and so on.
-Yes, we have noticed.
460
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,320
Exactly. All I want is
something that stops things
461
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,840
falling down the side
of the seat when
you're driving along.
462
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,680
I want the car I've got now,
463
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,720
but just something that
stops that happening.
464
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,920
-That's it?
-That is the sum total
of your ambition?
465
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,520
Yes, it is--
466
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,600
At this period of fundamental
change in the whole concept
467
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,640
of car ownership, car usage,
car functionality...
468
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,160
Mm-hm, that's all I want,
something that...
469
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,600
Cos they say it's dangerous
to tweet when you're driving.
470
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,080
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
471
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,440
Driving along like that,
472
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,240
and "Oh, no, I've dropped
my phone down there."
473
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,320
You've got the seat lifted,
your head's squashed,
474
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,360
you're desperately shoving
your hand down there,
475
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,520
shoving it in, all the skin's
been peeled back at the side.
476
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,000
"I'll get it, I'll get it."
477
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,160
-"Like a...
Like a determined vet.
-Exactly!
478
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,000
Exactly!
479
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,440
-(LAUGHTER)
-Not exactly.
480
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,720
-Sort of, like...
-"Come on, mole, give birth!"
481
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:28,240
(GRUNTS) "It's burst!"
482
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,520
Why can't we just
have a little bit of a f...
483
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,880
I mean, I'm doing it on this
side because we're all
British, but whatever side.
484
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:39,000
A little flap of material
that stops things going down.
I mean, how hard can that be?
485
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,120
I know what you mean,
it is an issue.
486
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,800
I once looked under
the driver seat of my 911,
and you'll remember this,
487
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,400
I found eight pairs of
sunglasses I'd lost
and replaced.
488
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,120
-He did.
-Just all under there.
489
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,360
There's house keys,
ingots, relatives.
490
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,080
There's also...
And eventually you
do drop something.
491
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,680
You know what it's like
when you drop something
and you think,
492
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,960
"I really do need to get that
back," so you have to stop.
493
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,440
And then you can't get it
from here or from here.
494
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,440
So then you have to go
round the back,
495
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,040
and you can never
quite get in properly,
496
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:05,800
so you've got your hand
under it like this.
497
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,280
And there's always... There's
always what feels like
498
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,720
a bit of furry mucus.
499
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,760
No, there is! There is,
there is! You've seen it!
500
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,800
-That is always there.
-Like a hairy tumour.
501
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,200
And it's squidgy,
and you go...
502
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,560
There always,
always is one of those,
503
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,880
and it's always, always
on top of whatever it was
you lost.
504
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,320
Do you know, the Holy Grail
will probably turn up
505
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,360
-under somebody's
driving seat.
-It will.
506
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,240
I tell you what, if you went
underneath everybody's seat,
507
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,600
if you all tonight
when you go back to the car,
508
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,280
have a look
under your car seats,
509
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,760
you will find enough loose
change to pay for Brexit.
510
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,440
(LAUGHTER)
511
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,320
It could do it,
it could tip it.
512
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:44,040
We could pretty much pay
the whole lot. Who's with me?
513
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,760
AUDIENCE: Yes.
514
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,800
There you go, you see,
people applauded...
515
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,320
Well, three people
applauded my idea.
516
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:51,920
(LAUGHTER)
517
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,480
-James?
-What?
518
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,600
-Interesting news.
RICHARD: Oh, God!
519
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,360
What do you mean, "Oh, God"?
520
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,320
Well, whenever one of you
two says, "Interesting news"
521
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,160
it turns out to be
about the war.
522
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,320
-No, this...
isn't about the war.
-(LAUGHTER)
523
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,400
This is interesting news about
the speed of different birds.
524
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,440
-Oh, that's even worse!
-Oh, I love this.
525
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,480
We've talked
about this before?
526
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,320
They've been going on about
this ever since he claimed
527
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,560
to have clocked a pigeon
doing 25 miles an hour.
528
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,960
I did. I was driving
alongside, there was
a pigeon that was doing 25.
529
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:25,360
Anyway, a Swiss speed camera
has clocked a duck...
530
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,440
It's clocked a duck,
it's actually triggered
the camera.
531
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,480
Got a picture here,
look, proving it.
532
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,400
JAMES: Look at that!
-And it took a picture
of a duck.
533
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,760
JAMES: How fast was it going?
JEREMY: 32 miles an hour.
534
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,120
JAMES: There you go.
That's quite incredible.
535
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,720
Cos if I was asked, I'd say
a duck would do 20 or 21--
536
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,440
It's not quite incredible,
neither is it remotely
interesting!
537
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,680
It is interesting!
It's a piece of knowledge,
Hammond!
538
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,520
How can the world be a poorer
place for having a bit more
knowledge in it?
539
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,480
-Exactly.
-Because that knowledge
540
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,280
is peculiar and strange,
and doesn't matter
a bugger to anybody.
541
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,680
You're not gonna be
mocking when you're Buttons
in the panto in Swindon
542
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,320
and Jeremy and I are
waving at each other
from our super yachts
543
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,520
because of the global success
of our television series
544
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,240
James And Jeremy's
The Speed Of Birds.
545
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,280
-It's gonna be
absolutely massive.
-Who'd watch that?
546
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,280
Come on, who'd watch
The Speed Of Birds?
547
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,840
Who wants to see him
as Buttons at
the Swindon Wyvern?
548
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,800
-Me.
-(CHEERING)
549
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,600
No! Never!
550
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,760
-I think that marks the end
of Conversation Street.
JEREMY: Yes.
551
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,800
I think it does.
I think I'll move it on,
552
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:32,640
because all of us agree that
we do love a hot hatchback.
553
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,160
Yeah, we love that they're
practical, cheap to run,
cheap to repair,
554
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,400
but they still go like
demented baboons.
555
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,200
Yeah, and now there's
a new breed of small
hot hatchback.
556
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,120
And to find which one is
best, we took The Grand Tour
557
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,080
to that field
just over there.
558
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:53,600
Yes, the start point
for our test
559
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,200
was our own track
in Oxfordshire.
560
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,960
And this is what
we'd assembled.
561
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,720
I've brought
the new Volkswagen Polo GTI,
562
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,960
which has 197 horsepower.
563
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:11,000
Richard Hammond has brought
the new Ford Fiesta ST,
564
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,040
which also has
197 horsepower.
565
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,680
James May has brought
the new Toyota Yaris,
566
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,040
which has a ridiculous name,
567
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,000
the "Grmn".
568
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,120
Grmm-nn...
569
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,000
Grmn. How do you say that?
Grmm-nn...
570
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,760
Grumuna.
571
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,960
It isn't Grumuna,
there's no "a" at the end.
572
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,960
It says "Grmn".
573
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,400
-It is a funny name.
-What does it mean, Grmn?
574
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,320
Gazoo Racing
Meisters of the Nurburgring.
575
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:43,040
-Oh! Your favourite place!
-That's where it was
developed.
576
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,040
JEREMY:
And what is Gazoo Racing?
577
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,080
JAMES: Gazoo Racing is
Toyota's racing division.
578
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,520
This has been done
by a small group of people
579
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:51,320
dedicating themselves
over two years
580
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,080
to making this
the perfect hot hatch.
581
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,920
Stiffened body shell, shorter
springs, SACHS dampers.
582
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,760
It's got a supercharger, it's
got special forged wheels,
583
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,440
it's got special tyres, it's
got stiffened anti-roll bars.
584
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,480
It's even got a different
steering rack from the
standard Yaris.
585
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,560
That's proper
hot-hatch technology.
586
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:10,280
My car is just over £21,000,
yours is what?
587
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,640
RICHARD: Just shy of £20,000.
JEREMY: Just under £20,000.
588
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,280
Over £26,000.
589
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:16,960
And worth every penny,
590
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,360
because it's properly
developed as a hot hatchback.
591
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,400
RICHARD:
It's not a pretty car.
592
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,920
JAMES: I think it is.
JEREMY: It's put make-up
on one eye.
593
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,120
Slightly mad make-up
on one eye, it's like Kiss.
594
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,480
It's like watching my
daughters get ready
in the morning.
595
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:29,960
"Am I done?"
"Yeah, you're done."
596
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,280
Yours is a brown car.
597
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,080
-It's not brown!
-That is brown.
598
00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:35,520
-Oh, yeah, it is.
-It isn't, it's mushroom.
599
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:37,200
The cameramen know
about colour. Is it brown?
600
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:38,920
-It's brown.
CAMERAMAN:
It's definitely brown.
601
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,440
It's mushroom!
602
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,200
JEREMY: At this point,
we decided
that instead of arguing
603
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,720
about which car was best, we
should do some actual tests,
604
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,640
starting with a pursuit race.
605
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:55,120
Each of us was spaced
at equal distances
around the track
606
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,080
and the rules were simple.
607
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,640
When you're overtaken
by the car behind...
608
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,240
...James is out.
609
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:06,000
Can I just ask, why am
I starting on the gravel,
610
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,880
on a bend, when you two
are on Tarmac?
611
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,920
-Have you got launch control?
-No.
612
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,200
Well, that's your look-out,
then, isn't it? I have.
613
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,080
-(CHUCKLES)
-All right, what-evs.
Let's go.
614
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:20,320
Launch control active!
I'm ready.
615
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,080
(ENGINE REVVING)
616
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,120
RADIO: Three, two, one, go!
617
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:33,280
Ooh, and we are away!
618
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:38,160
Aw.
619
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:41,920
It's a lively little thing,
this.
620
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:50,600
Let's not forget, shall we,
that Volkswagen
621
00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:57,040
invented the hot hatchback
and they're still
the best at it.
622
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,920
Take an ordinary hatchback,
stiffen the suspension,
623
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,080
stiffen the body,
give it a big engine.
624
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,120
The end.
625
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,520
Kazoo!
626
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,880
It's nice, it feels taut.
What happens here?
627
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:11,640
Where does it go?
628
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:18,800
(TYRES SCREECH)
629
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:20,760
This is cracking.
I love these.
630
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,680
Those little crackles and
bangs from the exhaust,
631
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,280
it's got valves in it...
632
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,800
...to make it sound good.
633
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,080
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
And into the gravel cell.
634
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,200
It's actually quite funny the
way the tail will slide round
635
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,400
and then you can feel
the brakes grabbing
636
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,360
to stop it
actually spinning.
637
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,200
That way,
you can have lots of fun
638
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,560
without there being
blood or an ambulance.
639
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,360
No, got it wrong, and
I've got Jezza behind me.
640
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,400
The "Grunumunum"
is right in my sights now.
641
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,440
Come on, come on, come on.
This is exciting times now.
642
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,880
Duh! Incorrect.
643
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:21,320
Ah, that was, I overdid it.
644
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:25,960
Hard to see where
I'm going now due to
the dust cloud
645
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,920
from the
"Grunumunummmnnmm".
646
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,200
-Whoa!
-Oh, no, Hammond's
catching Clarkson as well.
647
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,040
This is getting
very interesting.
648
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,840
Right, time
to reel Jeremy in.
649
00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:44,200
Come on, come on,
come on, this is...
650
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:45,600
Too wide.
651
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:48,680
You're out! Ha ha!
652
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:50,520
With the roadblock
out of the way,
653
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:52,840
it became a two-horse
war of attrition.
654
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:57,000
Come on, Clarkson,
you're mine.
655
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,080
Grip. Grip, grip, grip.
656
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,280
(CACKLES)
657
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,880
Hot hatchbacks
are such a riot!
658
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,840
They really are.
659
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,120
If someone were to say to me
now, "Do you want to get out
660
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,840
and swap into a 911 Turbo
or a 488?"
661
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,920
I'd say, "No, I honestly
do not want to do that."
662
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,120
(CACKLES)
663
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,000
Oh, bit of lift-off
oversteer.
664
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,880
That's what you want
in a hot hatch.
665
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,200
Several laps later,
666
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,680
both of us were still
the same distance apart.
667
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:45,640
It's just occurred to me
we both have the same
knowledge of this track,
668
00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,000
we both have
197 horsepower.
669
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:52,440
This race may take a while.
670
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,600
JEREMY: However...
-Brakes are fading, I can
feel them fading a bit.
671
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,120
They do get hot.
672
00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,760
JEREMY: Mine meanwhile
had got smoky hot.
673
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:06,400
So, much to the annoyance
of our colleague...
674
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,400
...we decided
to call it a draw.
675
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,640
Can I just say, if this was
a proper race rather than
a catchy-up race,
676
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:16,080
I'd be in the lead because I
treated my car properly and
didn't overheat the brakes.
677
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,720
-Have you heard this?
-I did hear that.
678
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,040
You don't pause in a race!
679
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,080
-So if you drive slowly,
you win?
-Yes.
680
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,400
Because my brakes
aren't overheating,
I could still be--
681
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:26,880
-You never went
more than 28mph!
-Rubbish!
682
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,040
When did you watch a motor
race on the television,
on Grandstand or--
683
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:35,520
Rather than listen to any
more of May's bizarre
theories on motor sport...
684
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,160
...we decide to move on
to the next challenge.
685
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:42,320
A drag race.
686
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,800
Let me talk you
through the engine.
It's a two-litre turbo.
687
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:48,600
What more do you want?
688
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,840
Right, launch control.
I'm ready.
689
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:53,480
I'm also ready.
690
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,920
James, on the other hand,
691
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,600
has some explaining to do
about his "Grunumm..."
692
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,600
This engine's actually
pretty interesting.
693
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,640
First and foremost, it's been
breathed upon by Lotus.
694
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,080
They actually use a similar
spec engine in the Elise.
695
00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,640
But perhaps more
interestingly,
it's supercharged,
696
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,680
which is unusual
in a hot hatchback.
697
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:15,920
Why bother with a
supercharger? It's heavier
than a turbocharger...
698
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,160
So the headline figures are:
699
00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,440
I have the most power,
209 horsepower.
700
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,880
I have the lowest weight,
1,135 kilograms.
701
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:33,600
And that's over 200 kilograms
lighter than Clarkson's VW.
702
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,600
JEREMY: Eventually
James finished talking
and we were ready to go.
703
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:40,120
I probably won't win this.
704
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:42,280
My problem is
I've got the heaviest car
705
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:44,040
and I'm the heaviest driver.
706
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,160
(BLEEPING)
707
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:50,160
(BLEEPING)
708
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,080
And we are away.
709
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,360
Where's that bloody Polo
going?
710
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:08,640
Yes!
711
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,360
Oh, what?
712
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,920
A victory for the fat boy!
713
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:19,080
That can only mean that VW
have got their figures wrong.
714
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,920
Again.
715
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,040
JEREMY: This surprising
result called for a bit
of a debrief.
716
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,000
The mushroom-coloured Polo--
717
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,520
-Brown!
-The brown VW has won.
718
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,560
Actually,
I've got to be honest.
719
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,160
I am quite surprised by
its astonishing victory.
720
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,400
It is really annoying. And
there's nothing you can do.
721
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,560
-Cos it's heavy.
-And it's only as powerful
as this.
722
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,600
The DSG gearbox
makes a huge difference.
723
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:46,160
Yeah, the double clutch.
724
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:49,200
Every time you two
have to change gear,
you lose 20 yards.
725
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,960
There's no way you can keep
up with an old-fashioned box.
726
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,360
-No, it's one gear,
then another--
-(MESSAGE ALERT)
727
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:55,960
Oh, hang on.
728
00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:58,000
Text from Mr Wilman.
729
00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:01,480
-"You idiots."
-Nice.
-Not very kind.
730
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:05,640
"Stop banging on about
double-clutch gearboxes
and lift-off oversteer.
731
00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:08,360
These cars are supposed
to appeal to young people
732
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,480
and they have no idea
what those things are.
733
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:17,480
The winner of this test will
be the car that appeals most
to millennials,
734
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:20,600
not old men like you."
735
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:24,560
So what test do we do
that young people
would be interested?
736
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,920
No, wait, I've had an idea.
737
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:28,360
JAMES:
What exactly is a millennial?
738
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,920
JEREMY: Once we'd explained
this to James,
we left the test track,
739
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:41,840
and began our new
youth-friendly road test.
740
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:47,400
What I've done is I've fitted
some youth-friendly political
stickers on the doors.
741
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:54,880
And then on the windscreen,
a transgender, fluid,
neutral sunscreen.
742
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,320
The other Jeremy, of course,
is the great Jeremy Corbyn,
743
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,760
leader of the Labour Party,
744
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:04,320
a man with the same initials
as the Baby Jesus,
745
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:06,080
one of the prophets of Islam.
746
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,200
Richard, meanwhile,
had for some reason
747
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:13,640
put the shipping forecast
on the doors of the Fiesta.
748
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,640
Why have you got "Stormy"
on the side of your car?
749
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,840
Cos that's the name of
the rapper that
young people adore.
750
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,400
No, that's Stormzy.
751
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:29,000
Stormy's that sexual
intercourse enthusiast
in America.
752
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:30,960
Popular with young people?
753
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,360
JAMES: Meanwhile, I'd headed
for an organic farm shop
754
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:40,640
to test out
my young-people modification.
755
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,800
What I've fitted to my car -
it's powered by the same
USB port
756
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,480
that you'd normally use to
recharge your vape bong -
757
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,960
is the most important thing
in a millennial's life.
758
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,000
And that is, of course,
a juicer. Ta-da!
759
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:58,360
Now, using this, I can make
a whole range of tasty
and nutritious juices
760
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,560
using a variety of
ethically-sound ingredients.
761
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,840
And that means
I won't be beholden
762
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,360
to evil American corporations
that murder baby veals
763
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,880
and snap the beaks
off chickens.
764
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:15,960
RICHARD: Back on the road,
Jeremy and I were busy
competing
765
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,640
to win the hearts and minds
of the snowflakes.
766
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,960
Because you're young,
you'll care very much
about the environment.
767
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:27,000
So you'll be very glad to
know that unlike the Polo
and the Toyota,
768
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:30,360
this doesn't have
four cylinders -
the Fiesta only has three.
769
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:32,200
In fact, when it's cruising,
770
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,160
it can deactivate one of them
and go down to two.
771
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,200
That's a world first
on a three-cylinder car.
772
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:40,960
And what it means is,
it's nicer to polar bears.
773
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,440
The seats in here
are made from cloth,
774
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,080
so no cow was harmed in
the making of the interior.
775
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:54,120
Apart from a small veal
who was used to make
the steering wheel.
776
00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:55,840
But that's it.
777
00:38:58,320 --> 00:38:59,880
(WHIRRING)
778
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,440
Right, this one is kale,
apple,
779
00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:08,200
line-caught avocado
and ethical water...
780
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,920
plus my reading glasses
which fell in there
earlier on.
781
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:13,760
But it doesn't matter,
they've got plastic lenses
so they're perfectly safe.
782
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:18,400
Mm!
783
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:20,360
Someone's gonna want that.
784
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:26,040
JEREMY: In order to see if
we were on the right track,
785
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,640
Richard and I had headed
into the wonderful,
786
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,640
anti-car city of Oxford.
787
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,600
Many, many cyclists here.
788
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,160
Look at the way young people
are approving of my car
789
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:42,920
and my stickers.
790
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,960
Dab on it, wagwam!
791
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,880
I speak the language
of the millennial.
792
00:39:48,920 --> 00:39:52,760
Hammond and May won't be
able to do that, cos they're
in a Ford and a Toyota.
793
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,160
They're bad whips.
794
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,400
You'll see
there's a bus lane here.
795
00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:01,640
And the Fiesta
is showing no sign at all
796
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:05,960
of complaining that half
the road is completely empty
and unused.
797
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,120
This car has no problem
with that.
798
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,600
JEREMY: There's a couple of
hikers, Hammond, on my left.
799
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,880
I'm not judging them,
cos judging people is wrong.
800
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:18,840
Oh, cyclist.
801
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,040
-(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS)
-Maniac!
802
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:29,600
Having drunk his spectacles,
James was now on the move.
803
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:32,040
My latest juice has
a bit of an Asian flavour.
804
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:36,680
Because it's made with okra,
some ground-up dry ginger,
805
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:40,080
a touch of garlic,
a pinch of garam masala...
806
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,640
and a pork pie.
807
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,400
This car was, of course,
developed at the Nurburgring,
808
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,440
which might sound
not very millennial.
809
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:52,440
But on the other hand, it is
the world's greenest circuit.
810
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,080
It is completely...
811
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,120
-(SPLASHING)
-Oh, Jesus!
812
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,080
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
813
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:01,960
God! Agh!
814
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:04,880
Agh...
815
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,200
Agh.
816
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,160
(SPITS)
817
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:11,160
Back to the tent.
818
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,600
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
819
00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,360
JEREMY:
I've gotta be honest...
820
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:20,440
Apart from you drinking
plastic, which is evil,
821
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,840
I thought that was all going
rather well, the test
appealing to young people.
822
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:28,000
Yeah, we talked about carbon
dioxide and polar bears
823
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,040
and expressed our support
for the Labour Party.
824
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:33,680
Yeah, apart from the bit
where the juicer blew up
in my face, obviously,
825
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:35,400
it was all going rather
excellently, we thought.
826
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,120
It was, yeah.
827
00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:40,440
Unfortunately, Mr Wilman
said we hadn't got
the idea at all.
828
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,160
-No.
-And that to really appeal
to millennials,
829
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,840
we had to somehow get
our cars in The Mail Online.
830
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:49,080
Now this was a bit of
a problem for James,
831
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:52,160
-who claims he's never read
The Mail Online.
-I haven't.
832
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:54,880
You're not really The Mail's
target audience, James.
833
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,760
What do you mean by that?
834
00:41:56,800 --> 00:42:00,920
You're not a mealy-mouthed
bitter person...
835
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,200
...who believes
that everyone who is
luckier, better-looking,
836
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,680
richer and more talented
than you are should be torn
to shreds and executed.
837
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,160
(LAUGHTER)
838
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,440
Right, well, whatever,
the rules were simple.
839
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:16,840
We had to drive into London
and then do something
with our cars
840
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,800
that would get the paparazzi
to take a picture of them.
841
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:23,640
And then the winner would be
the person who got the most
amount of those pictures
842
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,600
actually published.
843
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:32,040
RICHARD: I decided that
what I'd do was take my wife
844
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:35,280
out for dinner at
the glittering
Bluebird restaurant
845
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:38,000
on the famous King's Road.
846
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,160
It's a popular haunt
for the paps, this.
847
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:44,760
And I felt sure we'd
be snapped getting out
of the little Ford.
848
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,600
OK, right,
so remember to smile.
849
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,640
And look like
you really like me.
850
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:51,440
-OK.
-Like, a lot.
851
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,000
Right.
852
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,040
Hold my hand, there.
853
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,160
And then we'll just
stand around for a bit.
854
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,520
-Looking forward to dinner
with my wife Mindy.
-That'll be nice.
855
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:13,520
Jeremy, meanwhile, had
decided that to get
himself noticed,
856
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:17,320
he'd have a puncture,
and then get a celebrity
857
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,920
like Binky Felstead
to help him mend it.
858
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,200
-You grab the spare wheel.
-Really?
859
00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:32,280
You have to twiddle it
so the car goes up.
860
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,200
-Really high in the sky.
-For God's sake!
861
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:35,680
Oh.
862
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,760
Come on,
put your back into it.
863
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:41,280
I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS)
864
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,160
JEREMY: James, meanwhile,
was driving a car
865
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,160
that's never been papped
866
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,640
through a part of London
that's never been papped,
867
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:51,000
with his dinner date,
historian Mary Beard...
868
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:53,240
who hasn't been
papped either.
869
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:57,560
I'm absolutely delighted.
870
00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,600
This has made my month, this.
871
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:03,320
Well... Well, thank you,
that's very generous.
872
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,600
James then tried to think of
some interesting small talk.
873
00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:17,080
This has this handy piece of
red in the steering wheel,
874
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:20,000
so you know when you're going
in a straight line, you see.
875
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:22,880
(TUTS) They've thought
of everything.
876
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:26,120
JEREMY:
Meanwhile, back in Chelsea...
877
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:29,520
There's no paps.
There's nobody here.
878
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,480
-No.
-There's no photographers.
879
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:35,880
It's ridiculous.
880
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,920
I'm always being
photographed here.
881
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:39,280
Look, here I am.
882
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,320
And here I am.
883
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,120
And here... Oh, she's just...
884
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:45,080
She's just a friend
from work.
885
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,640
We should try
having an argument.
886
00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:51,800
-I don't want to have
an argument.
-Well, I do, and you don't.
887
00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:54,000
So we're already having
an argument. This is good.
888
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:56,600
-I don't want an argument.
-Just look a bit animated.
889
00:44:57,800 --> 00:44:59,520
JEREMY:
Having parked his car,
890
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:02,280
James was now in his
favourite Indian restaurant,
891
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:06,040
having a lesson
in classical history.
892
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:10,040
The idea of the bloke
is that he is penetrating.
893
00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:15,160
To be a man
is to be the penetrator.
894
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:18,920
Every orifice he likes,
sex wherever.
895
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:21,000
I've got to say, this is not
what I was expecting.
896
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:24,160
I was thinking you'd give me
some information about
the shape of arches.
897
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:26,120
Oh, well,
we can go on to that.
898
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:27,640
(SHE GRUNTS)
899
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,200
So you've got to
get that lined up.
900
00:45:31,240 --> 00:45:33,160
And then put the new ones in.
901
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,000
What are you doing?
You're not--
902
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,240
-I'm sorry,
it's really greasy.
-I know!
903
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:43,520
This may have been just
a puncture but it was
proving to be big news.
904
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:45,080
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
905
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:49,880
And that is how
you change a wheel.
906
00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:51,840
If you ever have
a puncture on a motorway,
907
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:54,040
you're going to be
so grateful for this moment.
908
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:55,280
Lesson learned, Jeremy.
909
00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:57,680
With dinner over,
910
00:45:57,720 --> 00:45:59,960
the two most unpappable
people in history
911
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:02,800
were waiting to be papped.
912
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,800
If we just stand here
looking a bit sort of...
913
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:06,840
-Embarrassed?
-Well...
914
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,360
Expectant?
915
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:09,920
Somebody will come
and take a picture of us.
916
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:26,200
I've just had a thought.
I don't want you to take this
the wrong way,
917
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:29,480
but actually the idea of
this was to get the car
in the paper.
918
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,440
I should have
parked it outside.
919
00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:36,360
(BELCHES)
Excuse me.
920
00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:47,720
Wait a minute, there is...
There's one.
921
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:50,320
Don't point, don't look,
but there's one over there.
There he is.
922
00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:52,360
Pap, there.
923
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:54,960
JEREMY: However, before
any pictures were taken,
924
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:58,680
May and I hatched a plan we'd
been working on for years.
925
00:46:58,720 --> 00:47:00,240
Go.
926
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,480
Oh, you bastards!
927
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:14,960
That was my...
928
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,720
Get in.
929
00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:18,680
(APPLAUSE)
930
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,000
James, did...
931
00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:28,640
Did you burp in front
of Mary Beard?
932
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,080
I did. I'm sorry, it just
fell out. I apologise.
933
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:34,000
I know a lot of people
will be thinking
we engineered that.
934
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:35,760
We really genuinely didn't.
935
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:38,640
All you have to do to get
papped when you're in
our line of work
936
00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:41,520
is go into London,
do something mildly
out of the ordinary
937
00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:43,560
and then they swarm...
not round you.
938
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,800
Or get clattered
and fall out of a club
with no trousers on.
939
00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:49,120
-That's a good way
of doing it.
-Or catch pneumonia.
940
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:50,760
Yes.
941
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:53,880
I've had that a few times.
Anyway, while we were waiting
942
00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:57,520
to see which of our antics
got into The Mail Online,
943
00:47:57,560 --> 00:48:01,880
Mr Wilman came up with
another youth-friendly idea.
944
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:05,280
Yep, he said each of us had
to take a picture of our car
945
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:09,280
and then see which of us got
the most likes of their snap
on Instagram.
946
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:13,840
JAMES: Having split up,
947
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:15,800
we set to work
on our respective plans.
948
00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:19,080
£50 is very reasonable, yeah.
949
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,480
£50,000?
950
00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:24,520
Oh, right.
951
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:26,560
Um...
I'll ring you back in a bit.
952
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,520
Yeah, cheers.
953
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:37,120
My idea was to put me and the
car in one of the pods of the
famous London Eye
954
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,760
so we could have a picture
right at the top
with a fantastic view.
955
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:43,840
They want £50,000!
I thought he meant 50 quid.
956
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:46,480
Let's think of
something else.
957
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:49,480
RICHARD:
I had done just that.
958
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:51,640
For my Instagram picture,
I'm not messing about.
959
00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:55,560
I've recruited a top
photographer and I'm very
excited, cos he's brilliant.
960
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:57,520
Look at that.
961
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,760
His name is David Yarrow.
962
00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:05,720
He's one of the world's
greatest wildlife
photographers.
963
00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:09,200
And his plan was
to recreate this shot,
964
00:49:09,240 --> 00:49:12,280
using my car
instead of the tiger.
965
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,200
So I'm coming in...
966
00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:17,240
The most important thing
is to have energy.
967
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:19,280
It's got to be dynamic.
968
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:23,360
And that means we need
water flying up between me
and the car.
969
00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:27,040
I want to be as close
safety-wise as you'll
allow me to be.
970
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,200
Yeah, yeah.
I've got your number.
971
00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,880
-OK.
-(LAUGHS)
972
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:35,840
JAMES: Back in London,
973
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:37,880
I'd come up with
a brilliant idea.
974
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:43,360
Morning.
975
00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:58,480
Morning.
976
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:04,680
Hiya.
Put some clothes on.
977
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:09,280
RICHARD: Eventually,
my shot was in the can.
978
00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:12,720
Ach!
979
00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:16,120
As was May's.
980
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:20,120
And so, after
no work at all,
981
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:22,080
was Jeremy's.
982
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:36,960
Could... Could you have made
any less effort with that
challenge?
983
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:38,880
No, you're right.
984
00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:41,720
I should have put a puppy
in it, cos Instagram
loves a dog.
985
00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:44,920
Anyone on Instagram,
it's all just dogs,
basically.
986
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:46,960
Anyway, with our pictures
posted on Instagram,
987
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:49,000
we were all given
another challenge,
988
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:52,960
to see who could get
the most views of their car
on YouTube.
989
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:55,240
Yeah, now,
this is a tricky one.
990
00:50:55,280 --> 00:51:01,080
Because over 300 hours of
footage are uploaded to
YouTube every minute.
991
00:51:01,120 --> 00:51:03,160
You wouldn't think
that many cats
992
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:05,240
fell into
waste disposal units.
993
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,000
No, I know, you wouldn't.
994
00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:09,040
Seems they do. So we had to
think of something special.
995
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:13,040
How could we make our cars
shine in this crowded
firmament?
996
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:14,720
Push them into
a waste disposal unit?
997
00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:16,280
I think that's got to be it.
998
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:19,080
Or what I did
to get my Ford noticed,
999
00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:21,600
I decided to stage
a big stunt.
1000
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:25,760
In order to make
my first stunt video,
1001
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,760
I went to a very long runway.
1002
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:32,920
And once my star performer
had warmed up...
1003
00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:36,240
...we were ready to roll.
1004
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:41,840
Today history is being made.
1005
00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:46,120
Good luck.
1006
00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:56,920
Oh.
1007
00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:58,240
I can't watch.
1008
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:10,720
Yes! (LAUGHS)
1009
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:15,320
We are gonna break
the internet with that!
1010
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:19,680
Meanwhile, James had gone for
a rather different approach.
1011
00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:22,360
If you go on YouTube,
which I do quite a lot,
1012
00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:25,040
you will notice that
something that's very popular
with so-called millennials
1013
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:27,080
is the unboxing video.
1014
00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:30,880
It's usually something
like an idle student
with nothing better to do
1015
00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:33,200
simply taking something
they've bought out of the box
1016
00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:34,880
and talking about it.
1017
00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:37,880
Hey, what's going on?
The delivery guy's just left.
1018
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:41,000
Got it here and I haven't
even taken it out
of the box yet. I got--
1019
00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:44,960
This bloke is unboxing a new
television set he's bought.
1020
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:47,000
You guys ready?
1021
00:52:47,040 --> 00:52:48,960
Whoa!
1022
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,760
Look how many hits it's got.
1023
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:55,280
The stand
is not mounted on it,
1024
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:56,880
you have to put
that on later.
1025
00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:03,600
Hi, guys, it's May!
1026
00:53:03,640 --> 00:53:06,560
Welcome, brothers and sisters
to my latest unboxing video.
1027
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,000
And this is a big one.
It's a car.
1028
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:11,880
-(ADHESIVE TAPE RIPPING)
-Ohh!
1029
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:18,000
Oh, yes.
1030
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:22,120
Look how clean that is.
1031
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:25,560
Meanwhile,
Jeremy had decided
1032
00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:28,000
to create a Fast Show -style
character
1033
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:29,960
called David Soufflé.
1034
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,120
(FRENCH-STYLE
ACCORDION MUSIC)
1035
00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:42,960
(SIRENS BLARE IN DISTANCE)
1036
00:53:59,480 --> 00:54:01,400
(ACCORDION PLAYS)
1037
00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:05,720
RICHARD:
Back at the airfield,
1038
00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:07,640
my next stunt was ready.
1039
00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:09,680
Right, now,
down there is a man.
1040
00:54:09,720 --> 00:54:12,160
I don't know his name
but it doesn't matter,
1041
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,120
because in a moment
I'm gonna run him over.
1042
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:16,080
(ENGINE REVVING)
1043
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:19,320
And here we go.
1044
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:25,080
Yes! Didn't kill a man!
1045
00:54:30,920 --> 00:54:32,680
Ooh, I like that a lot.
1046
00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:41,160
(CHUCKLES)
1047
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:00,600
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
1048
00:55:03,240 --> 00:55:04,880
(CLATTERING)
1049
00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:07,920
"At Toyota,
we want to do all we can
1050
00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:12,400
to ensure that things go
smoothly when you
are driving your vehicle.
1051
00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:14,840
Whether you are in your own
country or travelling abroad,
1052
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:16,960
you are welcome to contact us
if you think..."
1053
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:41,120
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
1054
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:48,840
RICHARD: Meanwhile, I was
ready for my final stunt -
1055
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:53,080
using my car to get a man
in a boat across a lake.
1056
00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:59,400
I've no idea what's gonna
happen here in terms of
limb breakages.
1057
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:01,600
So I'm using
an office junior to do it.
1058
00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:04,880
He's cheap,
obedient and expendable -
1059
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:07,360
the key ingredients
for stuff like this.
1060
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,680
So let's make him
a YouTube star.
1061
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,120
OK, now using
science and maths,
1062
00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:17,560
I have calculated
that 30 miles an hour
1063
00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:19,960
is the correct speed
to do this.
1064
00:56:22,480 --> 00:56:24,400
Here we go. Launching!
1065
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:29,360
Come on, little fella.
1066
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:34,880
Whoo!
1067
00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:37,160
Glorious! Well done!
1068
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,200
You can have
Christmas Day off!
1069
00:56:39,240 --> 00:56:40,840
(APPLAUSE)
1070
00:56:40,880 --> 00:56:42,560
That was an impressive stunt.
1071
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:44,280
Pretty cool, yeah.
I was pleased with that.
1072
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:46,560
How's his therapy
working out?
1073
00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:48,280
He's getting over it.
1074
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:51,120
OK, what we've got here
is the scoreboard
1075
00:56:51,160 --> 00:56:54,520
that will help us determine
which is the best of
the small hot hatches.
1076
00:56:54,560 --> 00:56:58,160
We've already filled in the
scores for price, the pursuit
race and the drag race.
1077
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,160
Now we've got
the paparazzi thing.
1078
00:57:00,200 --> 00:57:02,200
Hammond, how did you get on?
1079
00:57:02,240 --> 00:57:04,600
You two put the
"pap in a bag", didn't you?
1080
00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:07,280
We did, but actually we
should sell those bags
to celebrities.
1081
00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:09,320
We should, cos they're
rather clever.
1082
00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:11,680
You pull a drawstring,
and not only can't you
take any pictures,
1083
00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:13,360
you can't get out of the car.
1084
00:57:13,400 --> 00:57:16,040
-It's also technically
false imprisonment.
-Yes.
1085
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:18,520
-And therefore illegal.
-So's trapping a wasp
in a jam jar.
1086
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,040
Nobody complains about that,
do they?
1087
00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:22,120
Well, anyway, it didn't work.
1088
00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:24,560
Obviously there must have
been another pap
we didn't spot,
1089
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,680
because this picture
appeared.
1090
00:57:27,760 --> 00:57:29,400
Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha!
1091
00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:31,600
JAMES: No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
1092
00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:34,440
The rule said
it had to have the car in it.
1093
00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:36,600
And I don't see the car
in that picture.
1094
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:38,400
It also said Mail Online.
1095
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:41,480
I'm guessing - there's
some evidence to suggest
that is The Sun.
1096
00:57:41,520 --> 00:57:43,400
(LAUGHTER)
1097
00:57:43,440 --> 00:57:45,440
RICHARD: I hoped
you wouldn't spot that.
-We did.
1098
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:46,800
I didn't do very well.
1099
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:49,640
I think that gives you
a zero, Hammond.
1100
00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:51,080
So you get a zero.
1101
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:53,120
Now, James May,
how did you get on,
1102
00:57:53,160 --> 00:57:56,440
taking the older woman out
for a curry in Hammersmith
1103
00:57:56,480 --> 00:57:58,880
and then parking your car in
an underground car park?
1104
00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:01,080
-Not that well, actually.
RICHARD: How not that well?
1105
00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:04,520
-Nought, not that well.
-Not a single thing?
1106
00:58:04,560 --> 00:58:06,640
-My plan was rather
successful.
-Was it?
1107
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:11,640
49 pictures appeared,
of my car and me and Binky
in The Mail Online.
1108
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,680
-49?
-49 pictures.
1109
00:58:13,720 --> 00:58:17,120
Hang on a minute. 49 pictures
of a fat old bloke
1110
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,560
and a young girl I've never
heard of changing a wheel?
1111
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:21,600
I know. And the
extraordinary thing is,
1112
00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:23,640
I'd like to show you
the 49 pictures
1113
00:58:23,680 --> 00:58:27,080
but I got in touch with The
Mail Online yesterday, OK,
1114
00:58:27,120 --> 00:58:28,720
to say, "Can we have
the pictures?"
1115
00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:31,280
Do you want to know how much
they were gonna charge?
1116
00:58:31,320 --> 00:58:34,160
£122,000.
1117
00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:35,760
-What?
-Really?
1118
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:38,920
I kid you not. They take a
picture of me, ruin my life,
1119
00:58:38,960 --> 00:58:42,000
and then for me
to buy the picture back
1120
00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:45,600
is £122,000!
1121
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:48,000
There are 49 pictures
on here of you.
1122
00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:51,440
Don't show the cameras,
otherwise there'll be a bill
for 120 grand.
1123
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:54,480
-But the good thing is...
-Exactly. Because of that,
you score 49.
1124
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:56,600
Yes, I'm afraid he does.
There's no getting around
that.
1125
00:58:56,640 --> 00:58:59,600
Yes, I do. Which moves us
on to Instagram.
1126
00:58:59,640 --> 00:59:02,520
James May, how did you do
with your picture on the bus?
1127
00:59:02,560 --> 00:59:03,960
I scored nought.
1128
00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,720
-Nought?
-Yeah.
1129
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:08,040
-How did you get nought?
-Well, it's quite
interesting.
1130
00:59:08,080 --> 00:59:11,040
I didn't have an Instagram
account so I set one up.
1131
00:59:11,080 --> 00:59:13,400
-There's a surprise.
-No, but I set one up.
1132
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:15,120
And then as I was
setting it up,
I realised
1133
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:18,080
there was someone else on
Instagram pretending to be me.
1134
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:21,720
So I filled in that reporting
thing that pulls down
and I sent it off.
1135
00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:25,480
All credit to Instagram, they
reacted very quickly - by
that afternoon, in fact.
1136
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:27,120
And they shut me down.
1137
00:59:27,160 --> 00:59:28,640
-(LAUGHTER)
-You?
1138
00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:30,840
Yeah, they didn't shut down
the fake James May.
1139
00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:32,560
They shut the real one down.
1140
00:59:32,600 --> 00:59:34,600
-They killed the wrong
James May?
-Yeah.
1141
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,520
That's quite interesting.
What's interesting me,
though,
1142
00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,480
is that there's a man
somewhere out in the world,
or woman,
1143
00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:42,440
who's thought, "I could
pretend to be anyone I like.
1144
00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:44,480
I shall pretend to be
James May."
1145
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:46,200
-I know.
RICHARD: Not very ambitious!
1146
00:59:46,240 --> 00:59:48,040
Why wouldn't you be
George Clooney?
1147
00:59:48,080 --> 00:59:50,520
Anyway, the net result
of that, as they say
in the army,
1148
00:59:50,560 --> 00:59:52,600
is that I have...nought.
1149
00:59:52,640 --> 00:59:55,560
-You're doing very well!
-I've got one, yeah.
1150
00:59:55,600 --> 00:59:57,960
So, Hammond,
how did you get on?
1151
00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:01,160
Well, my picture
was brilliant. Look at it.
1152
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:03,200
Look at that!
1153
01:00:03,240 --> 01:00:06,240
JEREMY: No, apart from
the slogan with the sexual
intercourse enthusiast,
1154
01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:08,280
that is an amazing
photograph, granted.
1155
01:00:08,320 --> 01:00:12,240
So how many people have
viewed it and liked it
on Instagram?
1156
01:00:13,320 --> 01:00:14,600
Nine.
1157
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:15,920
(LAUGHTER)
1158
01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:17,960
-They blocked you as well?
-Nine. No.
1159
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:21,040
I don't really do Instagram,
so I don't have many
followers.
1160
01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:23,080
So only nine people
have seen it.
1161
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,680
Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000.
1162
01:00:25,720 --> 01:00:27,680
Oh, for God's sake!
1163
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:29,640
Yes, but you do do Instagram!
1164
01:00:29,680 --> 01:00:31,560
-Yes, I do.
-So you got lots of
followers.
1165
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:33,200
Put in 54,000.
1166
01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:35,320
Let's look at this in a more
positive light, Hammond.
1167
01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:39,240
-He has got 1.6 million
Instagram followers.
-Yes.
1168
01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:42,880
So 1.46 million people
actively didn't like his
picture.
1169
01:00:42,920 --> 01:00:44,560
-That's another way
of looking at it.
-Loser!
1170
01:00:44,600 --> 01:00:47,320
It wasn't my best work, I
admit. It was a hurried shot.
1171
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:49,080
-What was it?
-54,000.
1172
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,840
RICHARD: That does
change the score line a bit.
1173
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:55,520
It changes the score line a
lot, cos I'm now on 54,053.
1174
01:00:55,560 --> 01:00:58,560
-Right, OK.
-And you're on one.
1175
01:00:58,600 --> 01:01:01,400
Anyway, I also...
It gets worse, I'm afraid,
for you two.
1176
01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:04,640
Because YouTube.
I didn't add them all up,
1177
01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:08,120
but my first David Soufflé
video on YouTube...
1178
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:13,000
-266,000 views.
RICHARD: Oh, God.
1179
01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:15,480
More than a quarter
of a million people.
1180
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:23,520
You are ahead now.
1181
01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:27,480
Yes, I'm...comfortably
in the lead, I would say.
1182
01:01:27,520 --> 01:01:29,520
So, come on, Hammond?
1183
01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:31,560
16,800.
1184
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:33,200
What, for all that effort?
1185
01:01:33,240 --> 01:01:35,240
I know!
I don't get it either.
1186
01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:37,440
Because I gave it a really
cool, tempting caption.
1187
01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:38,760
It said...
1188
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:40,720
(HE READS)
1189
01:01:45,360 --> 01:01:47,160
Who doesn't want
to look at that?
1190
01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:48,560
You actually put that
as the caption?
1191
01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:49,840
That's what it said,
it's clickbait.
1192
01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:51,560
Then the YouTube
millennials thought,
1193
01:01:51,600 --> 01:01:53,120
"No, I'd rather watch
a cat going..."?
1194
01:01:53,160 --> 01:01:54,400
-They must have done.
-That's ridiculous.
1195
01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:55,960
I'm sorry, that is pathetic.
1196
01:01:56,000 --> 01:01:58,600
Young people,
you're pathetic.
1197
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,800
Right, so, there we are,
those are the scores.
1198
01:02:00,840 --> 01:02:02,680
-You're out.
-Yes.
1199
01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:04,720
And, James,
I'm looking and I'm thinking,
1200
01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:06,760
just doing quick adding up...
1201
01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:09,360
Unless you manage to find
1202
01:02:09,400 --> 01:02:12,200
325,000 people
1203
01:02:12,240 --> 01:02:15,080
who are prepared
to spend 16 minutes...
1204
01:02:15,120 --> 01:02:17,600
Cos that's how long
that unboxing video was.
1205
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:21,880
...16 minutes watching you
taking a small
Toyota hatchback
1206
01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:24,440
out of a cardboard box,
I've won.
1207
01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:25,560
-Yes.
-So?
1208
01:02:26,640 --> 01:02:28,560
(SIGHS) 330...
1209
01:02:31,160 --> 01:02:33,080
...thousand!
1210
01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,240
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1211
01:02:36,800 --> 01:02:38,320
(WHOOPING)
1212
01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:44,280
For taking a car
out of a box?
1213
01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:46,320
Oh, he's doing the dance.
1214
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:49,080
How does he always
manage to win?
1215
01:02:49,120 --> 01:02:51,760
I think on this occasion
it was partly because
1216
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:55,680
you tried to appeal to
millennials by creating a
Fast Show type character
1217
01:02:55,720 --> 01:02:58,480
when nobody under 40 has ever
heard of The Fast Show.
1218
01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:02,040
Right. You might as well have
done the comedy adventures of
Neville Chamberlain in 1939.
1219
01:03:02,080 --> 01:03:03,640
That would have been better.
1220
01:03:03,680 --> 01:03:07,000
So because there are more
people who'd rather watch
1221
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,320
an old man take
a small car out of a box,
1222
01:03:09,360 --> 01:03:14,280
than watch him endangering
an office junior or me
wearing a moustache,
1223
01:03:14,320 --> 01:03:19,200
we have to deduce that
the best of the small
hot hatchbacks
1224
01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:21,240
is comfortably the worst.
1225
01:03:21,280 --> 01:03:23,320
Yeah, that is our conclusion.
1226
01:03:23,360 --> 01:03:25,320
And on that terrible
disappointment,
it's time to end.
1227
01:03:25,360 --> 01:03:27,560
Thank you so much for
watching, see you next time.
Goodbye!
92282
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