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Kids, life is a dark road.
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You never really know what's up ahead.
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One night you're cruising along enjoying the ride,
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and then all of a sudden,
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you're 28.
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And for the birthday boy, lasagna.
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Thank you.
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Careful. The plate is very hot.
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'Kay.
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Oh, go on, touch it.
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Ah! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate.
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All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
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Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
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I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
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You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing
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and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck...
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in addition to probably being kind of healthy.
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Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
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Barney.
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Oy, gevalt.
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- Ah... Happy birthday, Ted.
- Whoo-hoo!
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Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y...
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Oh, my God.
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What?
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Oh! Call an ambulance!
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- What's going on?
- Try not to speak.
27
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Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.
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- Is she okay?
- I'm serious, call 911.
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What's wrong? What's the matter?
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Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...
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Here, have some water. Water!
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Here, drink this.
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Shh! Shh!
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You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am
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that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
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Wait for it.
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28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.
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Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad.
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Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story.
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But I'll get to that later.
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Still, you know, another year older. Still single.
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You don't hear your Tedological clock ticking?
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Nope. I hit the snooze button.
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And here come the paramedics.
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Oh, thank God, you're here.
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What is going on?!
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I think there might be some internal bleeding.
48
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Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital.
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What are you talking about?
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- You've had a terrible fall.
- No, I haven't.
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Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven.
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Angel...
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Give him your number. What?
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Give him your number. What?
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- Give him your number.
- Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
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- Give him your number.
- What are you...? Come on.
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They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number.
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- All right!
- It works!
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I cannot believe that she gave him her number.
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Maybe she really does have a brain injury.
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Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun.
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It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys.
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Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good.
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I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle.
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If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.
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Well, what's perfect?
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- It's not like I have a list.
- Oh, yes, you do.
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Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids-- a boy and a girl...
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- That's not hard. I know at least...
- I'm not done.
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She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword.
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She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine.
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That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
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Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
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Any Kim from any cool band, really.
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Can't be too picky.
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You're never going to find this girl.
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Exactly. So I'm just going to wait for her to come to me.
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I am done trying to plan the unplannable.
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So, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it?
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That's the plan.
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And little did I know, at that very moment, fate--
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in the form of a 600 gigahertz superprocessing computer--
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was taking care of it.
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Whoa, you're up early.
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Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.
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Does Marshall know?
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He's still sound asleep.
88
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Awesome.
89
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So awesome.
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God! Best girl ever.
91
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Screw these pancakes, I should cover you in syrup and gobble you up.
92
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Please don't do that.
93
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Hey, is this milk any good?
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Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.
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God, why didn't you throw it away?
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I'm going shopping after work. I'll pick up some milk.
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Oh...! These pancakes are delightful.
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What's wrong, baby?
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This is the high point of my day.
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It was true.
101
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See, Marshall had always dreamed of using his law degree to protect the environment.
102
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But he needed money for the wedding,
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so he'd been interning for two months at Barney's firm...
104
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and he hated every minute of it.
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Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.
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Binoculars. Second pair on my desk.
107
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I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do.
108
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Just take a look, will ya?
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Okay, corner office. Top floor.
110
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Check out that guy.
111
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Name's Clark Butterfield.
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He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West
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and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs.
114
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So?
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So guess what I did to that sandwich?
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Here, I took a picture.
117
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Oh! Sweet Lord.
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And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.
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Ooh! Duck!
120
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That is sick!
121
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Why would you do that?
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Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.
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- You?
- Totally.
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Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great.
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What?
126
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Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern.
127
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This is war, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule,
128
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call Lily, tell her you'll be home late.
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This is stupid.
130
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Stu... Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills.
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I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.
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This is a job for me, Barney.
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It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it.
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Now I'm sorry, but I have work to do.
135
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Tracy, could you come in here, please?
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Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him.
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Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
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I get it. Thank you, Tracy.
139
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Hello?
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Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?
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Speaking.
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Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions.
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You signed up for our services about six months ago.
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Uh, yeah. You guys never found me a match.
145
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Right. Well... actually, that's why I'm calling.
146
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We found her, sir.
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We found your soul mate.
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I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place?
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Well, my firm bought out the company.
150
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You know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate,
151
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but the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so...
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here I am.
153
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So I'm in good hands.
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You found me a match?
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There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks.
156
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No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged.
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She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.
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Just read the file.
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So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect.
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She liked dogs, she spent her summers in North Carolina,
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she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword,
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she played tennis, she liked old movies, her favorite food was lasagna,
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her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding
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and she wanted two kids-- a boy and a girl.
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All right, fine. Set it up.
166
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You wanted to see me, so I guess that means we're talking again?
167
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Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf.
168
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Tastes normal to me.
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That's what I thought, too.
170
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Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
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Oh, God!
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It got me as well.
173
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Well, then why did you have me drink it?!
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Because now... you're in.
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Okay.
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Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact that I should just be mad at you.
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But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.
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Let's make that bastard pay.
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You think that we should brush our teeth first?
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Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
181
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So that night I had a blind date with my perfect match.
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I was so excited, I got there early.
183
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But before it even started...
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Lily?
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Hey, Ted, are you busy?
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Um... yes.
187
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Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.
188
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Listen, could you take a cab out to Duchess County and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?
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What? What? No.
190
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Can't you just call Marshall?
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Marshall can't know about this.
192
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Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire,
193
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and I've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story.
194
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- Can you please hurry?
- I can't, I'm waiting...
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Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand?
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No, drifter, no!
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Come on, Lily.
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But you see my point.
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All right, stay there. I'm on my way.
200
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And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere.
201
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Oh, thank God.
202
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I'm so sorry about this. Did you get ahold of your date?
203
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Y es.
204
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And was she okay about pushing it back?
205
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Yes. Because she's perfect. So what am I doing here?
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- You can never tell Marshall.
- I won't.
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Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.
208
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I swear on Luke and Leia.
209
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About a month ago, I started getting insomnia.
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Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time.
211
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But, now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary.
212
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Did you talk to Marshall about it?
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He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot.
214
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So I spent my nights reading, painting,
215
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setting the high score on Super Bomber Man...
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That was you? Awesome!
217
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I know! I just got in the zone and...
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Not the point of the story.
219
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And then I started thinking about Victoria and how she followed her dream to Germany,
220
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and I found that art fellowship.
221
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Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.
222
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San Francisco.
223
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But it's not like I'm going to do it.
224
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The dates conflict with the wedding.
225
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But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good.
226
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This was a way to find out.
227
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And the interview is tonight.
228
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In New Haven.
229
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You don't want to get married.
230
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Of course I want to get married.
231
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I... It's not like I was ever going to do it.
232
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I just... I just really wanted to see if I could get this.
233
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Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America.
234
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I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective.
235
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But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall.
236
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I think it's pretty clear what that means.
237
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Okay, I was... I was having second thoughts.
238
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But I'm not any more.
239
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I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not supposed to do this.
240
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I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall.
241
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- You must think I'm so stupid.
- I don't think you're stupid.
242
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- I love Marshall.
- I know you do. Come here.
243
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It's okay. Look...
244
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Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.
245
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But why am I the only one?
246
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How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?
247
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:46,018
So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.
248
00:12:48,812 --> 00:12:50,055
All done.
249
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:55,293
Ted, let's go to New Haven.
250
00:12:55,293 --> 00:12:58,053
Lily, don't do this to yourself.
251
00:12:58,053 --> 00:13:00,370
I just need to know if I can get in.
252
00:13:00,370 --> 00:13:03,412
If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know,
253
00:13:03,412 --> 00:13:05,742
and I can forget all about it, and get married.
254
00:13:05,742 --> 00:13:07,430
Come on! It's an adventure.
255
00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:10,195
No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.
256
00:13:10,203 --> 00:13:13,706
Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake.
257
00:13:13,712 --> 00:13:16,893
But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake
258
00:13:16,893 --> 00:13:18,400
but you don't really know it's a mistake
259
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,400
because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake,
260
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,905
and look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake."
261
00:13:23,911 --> 00:13:27,323
So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake,
262
00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:31,042
because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.
263
00:13:31,042 --> 00:13:33,285
And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!
264
00:13:33,293 --> 00:13:39,458
I've done all of this-- my life, my relationship, my career-- mistake-free.
265
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:42,223
Does any of this make sense to you?
266
00:13:42,223 --> 00:13:44,766
I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.
267
00:13:45,162 --> 00:13:46,881
Lily, don't do this.
268
00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:50,270
Ted, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out,
269
00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:53,508
and you're my best friend, and you just have to forgive me for this.
270
00:13:53,512 --> 00:13:55,665
Forgive you for what? Lily.
271
00:13:56,081 --> 00:13:57,528
Lily!
272
00:14:01,703 --> 00:14:06,581
Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road.
273
00:14:06,581 --> 00:14:10,150
I just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk...
274
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:14,307
Oh, and, when I get home, I'm going to kill you.
275
00:14:14,752 --> 00:14:17,257
And, also, I texted you the same thing.
276
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,580
- Hey, I need a big favor.
- Anything, bro.
277
00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:29,773
I need you to come up to Duchess County and pick me up.
278
00:14:29,773 --> 00:14:30,888
No.
279
00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:33,521
It's kind of an emergency.
280
00:14:33,521 --> 00:14:35,468
What are you doing in Duchess County?
281
00:14:35,510 --> 00:14:38,272
Apple picking. Can you just get up here?
282
00:14:38,272 --> 00:14:40,653
I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work.
283
00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:42,168
We're kind of swamped.
284
00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:43,321
Is that Ted?
285
00:14:43,321 --> 00:14:45,241
Yeah. He's stuck in Duchess County.
286
00:14:45,241 --> 00:14:46,810
Don't you have a big date tonight?
287
00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:49,723
Uh... Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.
288
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:52,165
So what are you doing in Duchess County?
289
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:56,227
Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn!
290
00:14:56,582 --> 00:14:58,660
Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you.
291
00:14:58,660 --> 00:14:59,655
No!
292
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,163
Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.
293
00:15:01,163 --> 00:15:05,160
No, no, no. Just... forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank.
294
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,175
I'm not in Duchess County.
295
00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:10,285
So that's the prank? That you're not in Duchess County?
296
00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:13,958
Yep. Gotcha! Classic!
297
00:15:13,962 --> 00:15:15,197
Gotta go.
298
00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:20,875
Hey, check out this one. It actually looks like Butterfield.
299
00:15:23,171 --> 00:15:25,883
You know, over at the NRDC, it's a bunch of really committed people
300
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:29,991
who take their job of saving the earth very, very seriously.
301
00:15:29,991 --> 00:15:32,245
Which is great, and everything, but
302
00:15:32,251 --> 00:15:34,825
I can't imagine having this much fun over there.
303
00:15:35,473 --> 00:15:38,105
You thinking about coming to work here full-time?
304
00:15:38,181 --> 00:15:39,417
Maybe.
305
00:15:39,893 --> 00:15:41,646
Don't tell Lily, okay?
306
00:15:41,702 --> 00:15:43,262
Taking off for the night.
307
00:15:43,262 --> 00:15:44,841
Thanks, Tracy.
308
00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:49,255
Are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box?
309
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,885
Of course we are.
310
00:15:52,983 --> 00:15:54,216
- Were you going to think of that?
- No.
311
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,947
- That would have been bad.
- Horrible.
312
00:15:57,311 --> 00:16:01,162
Luckily, there was still one person I could call to get a ride home.
313
00:16:01,162 --> 00:16:02,800
Need a ride, cowboy?
314
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,852
Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.
315
00:16:04,852 --> 00:16:07,316
Hmm, too bad. I got candy.
316
00:16:07,321 --> 00:16:09,045
Candy?!
317
00:16:11,152 --> 00:16:12,890
So you're not going to tell me what you were doing
318
00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:15,023
by the side of a highway in Duchess County?
319
00:16:15,023 --> 00:16:16,620
Nope. Sworn to secrecy.
320
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:18,183
Oh, come on.
321
00:16:18,183 --> 00:16:20,747
- I like your hat.
- Right.
322
00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:23,742
This is embarrassing. I got highlights.
323
00:16:23,742 --> 00:16:26,445
Oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice?
324
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,837
- Highlights is a children's magazine.
- Yeah, I got it.
325
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:35,641
I thought it might look cool. Of course my colorist took "highlights" to mean,
326
00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:38,812
"I want to look like a tiger," hence the hat.
327
00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:41,493
- Oh. I gotta see this.
- No way.
328
00:16:41,493 --> 00:16:43,763
Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.
329
00:16:43,763 --> 00:16:46,108
I bet it looks grr-eat!
330
00:16:47,463 --> 00:16:50,966
So, she says, changing the subject.
331
00:16:51,063 --> 00:16:52,446
Big date tonight.
332
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:55,106
How does she rate on the Mosby checklist?
333
00:16:55,110 --> 00:16:58,293
Kind of amazingly. Uh, she's 28, like me.
334
00:16:58,293 --> 00:17:00,933
Wow, I'm 28. Hmm.
335
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:04,332
Uh, college educated-- check. Plays tennis-- check.
336
00:17:04,332 --> 00:17:06,930
Uh, favorite book is Love in the Time of Cholera-- check.
337
00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:08,485
I read that.
338
00:17:08,533 --> 00:17:11,548
More like "Love in the Time of Don't Bothera."
339
00:17:12,951 --> 00:17:15,653
You know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.
340
00:17:15,653 --> 00:17:17,423
We're not indoors. We're in a van.
341
00:17:17,423 --> 00:17:19,172
Vans have doors-- let me see your hair.
342
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,233
Never. What else?
343
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,283
- She loves lasagna.
- Barf.
344
00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:26,005
You know, I am sensing a pattern here.
345
00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:27,678
What else?
346
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:31,886
Let's see what else... Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check.
347
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,520
And she's looking to get married and have kids?
348
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,261
Check and check. She wants two kids-- a boy and a girl.
349
00:17:38,261 --> 00:17:39,666
Wow.
350
00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:42,381
You know, I've been thinking about this.
351
00:17:42,381 --> 00:17:44,630
I think I want to have zero kids.
352
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,388
Really? You don't want kids?
353
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,745
You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you.
354
00:17:51,861 --> 00:17:53,667
Hey. I'm driving.
355
00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:01,111
Look at that. 8:56. You're early.
356
00:18:01,111 --> 00:18:03,210
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
357
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,753
Good luck on your date.
358
00:18:04,753 --> 00:18:07,308
I hope she's everything you're looking for.
359
00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:09,686
Thanks.
360
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:16,337
All right, you've clearly had a rough night.
361
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:19,661
I want you to go in there with a smile on your face, so, uh,
362
00:18:19,661 --> 00:18:20,990
here's what I'm going to do.
363
00:18:20,990 --> 00:18:22,480
You're going to show me your hair?
364
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,565
Actually, I was going to show you my breasts, but... sure, we can do hair.
365
00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:38,238
You just made my night.
366
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:41,177
Go.
367
00:19:41,212 --> 00:19:44,281
Tomorrow morning, Barney's going to send out the package,
368
00:19:44,281 --> 00:19:47,925
and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep in angry white mice.
369
00:19:48,572 --> 00:19:50,796
- Oh, hey, dude.
- Hey, guys.
370
00:19:51,401 --> 00:19:52,427
Hi.
371
00:19:52,612 --> 00:19:53,827
Hey.
372
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:58,285
So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk?
373
00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:02,926
Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it.
374
00:20:03,013 --> 00:20:06,795
You think you might want to... drink the milk?
375
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,605
No.
376
00:20:09,081 --> 00:20:11,045
Nope, I'm good.
377
00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:13,365
I don't need any milk.
378
00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:19,160
Look, guys, I know milk is important--
379
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,940
it's got vitamin A, vitamin D,
380
00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:24,851
it's a great way to start the morning-- but Ted just had a huge date.
381
00:20:24,851 --> 00:20:26,497
How'd it go, dude?
382
00:20:27,082 --> 00:20:28,366
I didn't go.
383
00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:29,863
What? Why?
384
00:20:29,863 --> 00:20:32,455
I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her.
385
00:20:32,611 --> 00:20:34,865
Why? She sounds perfect.
386
00:20:34,882 --> 00:20:36,685
I don't want perfect.
387
00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:38,877
I want Robin.
388
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,423
Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it's a mistake.
389
00:20:43,423 --> 00:20:44,688
Maybe.
390
00:20:44,983 --> 00:20:47,743
But it's a mistake I have to make.
391
00:20:47,743 --> 00:20:51,463
Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make. Look at the evidence.
392
00:20:51,463 --> 00:20:54,001
You and Robin have tried this again and again...
393
00:20:54,001 --> 00:20:55,711
Here's the thing about mistakes.
394
00:20:55,711 --> 00:20:58,620
Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake,
395
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:00,456
you gotta make it anyway.
396
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,280
Ah, sweet damn, that's a hot plate.
397
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,935
Hey, is this milk any good?
398
00:21:10,832 --> 00:21:14,217
Even really really dumb mistakes.
399
00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:19,416
Transcript: Raceman
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