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1
00:00:08,331 --> 00:00:10,832
How'd you get to be
big spoon, huh?
2
00:00:10,857 --> 00:00:13,190
I'm supposed to be big spoon.
3
00:00:13,215 --> 00:00:15,751
Oh, ah.
4
00:00:15,776 --> 00:00:18,636
Okay, never mind.
I like being little spoon.
5
00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,185
Wanna fork?
6
00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:24,763
Abso-forking-lutely.
7
00:00:29,092 --> 00:00:30,966
Oh, I've got to get to work.
8
00:00:30,991 --> 00:00:34,038
- No.
- I know. I'm sorry.
9
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:49,656
Ooh, I have got an interesting
new Instagram follower.
10
00:00:49,681 --> 00:00:50,692
Don't tell me.
11
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:53,415
It's a... a young, hot
teenage girl
12
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,081
who just loves your tattoos.
13
00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:56,855
Oh, I hate it when I'm right.
14
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,008
No, it...
It's your daughter, Caitlin.
15
00:01:00,374 --> 00:01:02,130
What?
No, ban her.
16
00:01:02,155 --> 00:01:03,312
You mean block her?
17
00:01:03,337 --> 00:01:04,736
Yes, block...
Block her.
18
00:01:04,761 --> 00:01:07,433
Come on.
She's following the band.
19
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,098
- I think it's nice.
- Nice?
20
00:01:09,123 --> 00:01:10,742
She wants to get to know me.
21
00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:11,935
I think that's a good thing.
22
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,321
I guess it is, but I...
23
00:01:14,806 --> 00:01:17,353
Okay, look, um...
24
00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:24,065
This divorce has been
really hard on Caitlin,
25
00:01:24,274 --> 00:01:26,224
and I don't want
to throw anything new at her
26
00:01:26,249 --> 00:01:29,129
unless we're...
27
00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:32,106
You know, we're serious.
28
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:34,418
We're not serious, hmm?
29
00:01:34,443 --> 00:01:37,129
I, um...
We are serious.
30
00:01:37,153 --> 00:01:40,424
I just want to give her
more time,
31
00:01:40,449 --> 00:01:42,315
and I want to give us more time.
32
00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:43,663
Okay.
33
00:01:44,664 --> 00:01:46,681
But you have to get to work.
34
00:01:47,030 --> 00:01:48,526
Can you be really quick?
35
00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:50,218
- I can be so quick.
- Okay.
36
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,775
Whoo!
37
00:01:53,922 --> 00:01:57,437
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
38
00:01:57,590 --> 00:01:59,362
I'm not saying
you can't follow him.
39
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,125
I just don't know
why you're following him.
40
00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:02,783
Because everybody
follows everybody.
41
00:02:02,808 --> 00:02:04,525
Please join
the 21st century, Mom.
42
00:02:04,551 --> 00:02:06,628
Okay, I'll start
following Arjun.
43
00:02:06,652 --> 00:02:08,602
Okay, okay, I'll unfollow Josh.
44
00:02:08,627 --> 00:02:10,008
Thank you.
45
00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,857
I just can't believe
you're actually with that guy.
46
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,438
I mean, he's so hot.
47
00:02:13,463 --> 00:02:14,651
Hey.
48
00:02:14,887 --> 00:02:16,401
This is so weird.
49
00:02:16,426 --> 00:02:18,021
It's totally weird.
50
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,313
So when are you
gonna come stay with me?
51
00:02:20,338 --> 00:02:22,542
Oh, soon.
Dad really needs me, Mom.
52
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,142
He can't afford
a full-time assistant,
53
00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:25,396
and, you know,
I'm good with the bite plate.
54
00:02:25,421 --> 00:02:26,447
Is that even legal?
55
00:02:26,472 --> 00:02:27,653
Is that guy you're dating?
56
00:02:27,678 --> 00:02:29,885
Ha ha. I'll talk to you later,
sweetie, okay?
57
00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:32,250
- I love you.
- All right, love you too, Mom.
58
00:02:39,017 --> 00:02:41,818
Jade, we're all
just buzzing about your book.
59
00:02:41,843 --> 00:02:44,010
Not that we've read anything.
60
00:02:44,035 --> 00:02:46,485
We understand your concern
that something could leak,
61
00:02:46,510 --> 00:02:49,420
but, uh, Kelsey tells me
that your pages
62
00:02:49,445 --> 00:02:51,394
are like nothing
she's ever seen.
63
00:02:51,419 --> 00:02:53,919
Kelsey, you are too kind.
64
00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:55,305
I'm just being honest.
65
00:02:55,330 --> 00:02:57,664
They are like nothing I've seen.
66
00:02:57,689 --> 00:02:59,222
Nothing.
67
00:02:59,316 --> 00:03:00,565
So that's exciting.
68
00:03:00,590 --> 00:03:02,982
Obviously, the cover
needs to be really special,
69
00:03:03,007 --> 00:03:04,699
so the team has been
kicking around a few ideas.
70
00:03:04,724 --> 00:03:05,723
I'm the cover.
71
00:03:05,748 --> 00:03:06,761
Oh, that's a given.
72
00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:07,952
We were thinking
black and white.
73
00:03:07,977 --> 00:03:09,610
- It could be gorgeous.
- No.
74
00:03:09,636 --> 00:03:13,823
I will be sitting on a subway
next to a homeless man,
75
00:03:13,848 --> 00:03:14,774
pleasuring myself
76
00:03:14,799 --> 00:03:17,789
under my Balmain
pleated leather skirt.
77
00:03:17,814 --> 00:03:19,695
Okay, the camera
will be placed here.
78
00:03:19,759 --> 00:03:21,759
The picture will be taken
at the exact moment
79
00:03:21,795 --> 00:03:23,160
I climax.
80
00:03:23,388 --> 00:03:26,517
That is the cover of my book.
81
00:03:26,542 --> 00:03:28,205
My orgasm.
82
00:03:28,229 --> 00:03:31,366
It's genius, right?
83
00:03:31,554 --> 00:03:33,329
- That is...
- It gets better.
84
00:03:33,354 --> 00:03:35,237
You know those kids' cards
when you open them
85
00:03:35,262 --> 00:03:36,850
and they play, like,
"Who Let the Dogs Out"
86
00:03:36,875 --> 00:03:38,071
or whatever?
87
00:03:38,096 --> 00:03:41,013
So when you open my book,
this is what you'll hear.
88
00:03:41,484 --> 00:03:44,333
Oh, yes!
89
00:03:50,857 --> 00:03:53,537
Well, the book signing
should be fun.
90
00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:56,911
I hope you're able
to make this cover happen.
91
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:59,603
It's pointless
unless I start seeing pages.
92
00:03:59,628 --> 00:04:02,105
This book is on an accelerated
production schedule.
93
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,340
We want to be in stores
in six months.
94
00:04:04,435 --> 00:04:06,012
Where am I going
on my book tour?
95
00:04:06,036 --> 00:04:09,005
Nowhere unless I start
seeing pages immediately.
96
00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:10,419
Well, I was going
to bring them today,
97
00:04:10,444 --> 00:04:11,849
but then I read them,
and they're, like, terrible.
98
00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:13,795
Every writer
is their own worst critic.
99
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,642
No, what if I'm right, though?
What if you hate them?
100
00:04:15,666 --> 00:04:18,165
I won't hate them.
This book is my baby, Jade.
101
00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:19,948
I will love those pages
from the moment
102
00:04:19,973 --> 00:04:21,147
they're in my arms.
103
00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:22,842
Plus, they're, like, messy
and handwritten
104
00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:23,877
and, like, illegible.
105
00:04:23,902 --> 00:04:25,061
That is what Hemingway
turned in.
106
00:04:25,086 --> 00:04:26,919
Yeah, but he was at,
like, a divey bar
107
00:04:26,944 --> 00:04:28,329
getting drunk with his editor.
108
00:04:28,354 --> 00:04:29,445
You want to do it that way?
109
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:31,696
We can do it that way.
I don't care, okay?
110
00:04:31,721 --> 00:04:33,830
I just want to be in
the same room as your pages.
111
00:04:33,855 --> 00:04:35,902
Okay, let's meet tomorrow night
112
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,710
at the Horseshoe
at the back booth around...
113
00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:38,942
6:00?
114
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:40,836
Mm, I was thinking
more like 12:00, 1:00.
115
00:04:40,861 --> 00:04:41,890
We are really behind.
116
00:04:43,974 --> 00:04:46,798
- Okay.
- Okay, 6:00.
117
00:04:46,823 --> 00:04:49,251
Ah, I just said okay!
Gosh, chill.
118
00:04:49,276 --> 00:04:50,356
Don't be so thirsty.
119
00:04:50,381 --> 00:04:52,417
I am chilling.
I am always chill...
120
00:05:02,919 --> 00:05:04,763
Liza?
121
00:05:04,788 --> 00:05:07,041
- Hey.
- Hi.
122
00:05:07,066 --> 00:05:09,916
- Hi.
- What are you guys doing here?
123
00:05:09,941 --> 00:05:11,022
What are we doing here?
124
00:05:11,047 --> 00:05:13,537
What are you doing
at a hipster bluegrass bar,
125
00:05:13,562 --> 00:05:15,396
you former Girl Scout leader?
126
00:05:15,422 --> 00:05:16,982
We're too late
to save her, Michelle.
127
00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:18,571
- She's fully Brooklynized.
- Ah!
128
00:05:18,596 --> 00:05:21,091
You have wiped your mind clean
of all things New Jersey.
129
00:05:21,116 --> 00:05:23,394
That's a good one,
but seriously...
130
00:05:23,418 --> 00:05:25,127
We follow our daughter
on Instagram,
131
00:05:25,152 --> 00:05:27,352
who follows your daughter,
who follows this band.
132
00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:29,678
Two Tweets and a Snapchat later,
133
00:05:29,703 --> 00:05:32,370
we come to learn
you have a new man in your life.
134
00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:36,474
I think someone's buying
real estate in Cougartown.
135
00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:39,510
Go get me a Pinot Grigio.
136
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,157
I am so sorry.
137
00:05:42,182 --> 00:05:44,766
I made him swear 100 times
not to say the word "cougar."
138
00:05:44,791 --> 00:05:46,457
Which only guaranteed
that he would.
139
00:05:46,482 --> 00:05:47,346
Don't worry about it.
140
00:05:47,371 --> 00:05:49,101
We'll be out of here
in just a second.
141
00:05:49,126 --> 00:05:50,302
We're having dinner nearby.
142
00:05:50,327 --> 00:05:51,522
I just wanted to...
143
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:54,369
Is that him?
144
00:05:54,394 --> 00:05:56,098
Uh, yeah.
145
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,565
- Shut the front door.
- Oh, stop it.
146
00:05:58,590 --> 00:05:59,850
He's not a prize steer.
147
00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:02,247
Here I've been worrying
my head off about you.
148
00:06:02,272 --> 00:06:04,965
Meanwhile, you have been
living the dream.
149
00:06:06,581 --> 00:06:07,950
How does this happen?
150
00:06:07,975 --> 00:06:10,253
Oh, you know
how these things happen.
151
00:06:10,278 --> 00:06:12,212
No, I don't.
I honestly don't.
152
00:06:12,237 --> 00:06:14,930
- Hey.
- Hey, Josh.
153
00:06:14,955 --> 00:06:18,555
This is my very good friend
Michelle from New Jersey.
154
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,630
Cool.
It's nice to meet you.
155
00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:23,489
Oh, you guys are great.
I love your sound.
156
00:06:23,514 --> 00:06:26,109
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, this is my husband, Tom.
157
00:06:26,134 --> 00:06:27,278
- Josh.
- Hey.
158
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,717
No, I, uh... I was just saying
159
00:06:29,742 --> 00:06:31,576
there's so much
about Liza's life
160
00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:33,571
that I don't know
anything about, you know?
161
00:06:33,595 --> 00:06:36,571
Like the whole part of your life
you spent in New Jersey.
162
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:37,733
Part of her life?
163
00:06:37,758 --> 00:06:39,527
Well, this is pretty much
the highlights reel right here.
164
00:06:39,552 --> 00:06:41,886
Shh, we don't want people to
know that we're from New Jersey.
165
00:06:41,911 --> 00:06:43,589
We got fake IDs saying
we're from Oregon.
166
00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:48,482
- I love your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
167
00:06:48,507 --> 00:06:51,224
My daughter gave it to me
'cause I'm kind of a foodie.
168
00:06:51,249 --> 00:06:53,464
I love truffle butter.
169
00:06:53,489 --> 00:06:56,873
- Do you?
- I'm kinda famous for it.
170
00:06:56,898 --> 00:06:58,990
Oh, you guys
should come for dinner.
171
00:06:59,015 --> 00:07:00,285
And to see the trellis.
172
00:07:00,309 --> 00:07:02,200
The trellis.
173
00:07:02,226 --> 00:07:04,048
I am such a space noodle.
174
00:07:04,073 --> 00:07:06,741
How could I not even mention
the new trellis?
175
00:07:06,766 --> 00:07:08,065
Well, let's not say anything.
176
00:07:08,090 --> 00:07:09,505
You'll just have to come over
for dinner
177
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,460
and see for yourself.
178
00:07:10,485 --> 00:07:12,867
Oh, that...
Well, I'll call you.
179
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,071
Well, screw that.
180
00:07:14,096 --> 00:07:15,066
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
181
00:07:15,091 --> 00:07:16,341
- We're free.
- Oh, no.
182
00:07:16,366 --> 00:07:18,715
- So are we.
- Tomorrow's n...
183
00:07:19,044 --> 00:07:20,985
Tomorrow night sounds great.
184
00:07:21,010 --> 00:07:23,010
- Awesomesauce!
- Truffle butter!
185
00:07:23,035 --> 00:07:24,853
- Yeah.
- Dinner, okay.
186
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,508
Well, enjoy your night.
187
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:28,339
- Yeah, I'll text you.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
188
00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:29,638
- Nice to meet you.
- Yes.
189
00:07:29,663 --> 00:07:33,029
- So, so nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
190
00:07:33,055 --> 00:07:35,231
- It is just...
- Yeah, tomorrow.
191
00:07:37,450 --> 00:07:39,034
Do you have any idea
what you just did?
192
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,258
What?
193
00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:41,910
They seem like
really nice people.
194
00:07:41,935 --> 00:07:44,915
I... this will be fun.
I am excited.
195
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,878
Can I ask you
one question, though?
196
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,930
What's a trellis?
197
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,560
If it's making you this crazy,
198
00:07:57,585 --> 00:07:58,683
just call and cancel.
199
00:07:58,715 --> 00:07:59,633
I can't.
200
00:07:59,658 --> 00:08:01,074
Josh really wants to go.
201
00:08:01,099 --> 00:08:03,716
What's more important,
what you want or Josh wants?
202
00:08:03,741 --> 00:08:04,913
I can't decide.
You pick.
203
00:08:04,938 --> 00:08:06,648
You need me to tell you
to pick you?
204
00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:07,758
Woman up.
205
00:08:07,783 --> 00:08:09,280
You say that
like I know who I am,
206
00:08:09,305 --> 00:08:12,200
but I don't,
because I am no longer a person.
207
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,878
I'm a game of Risk.
208
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:17,200
Ugh, all right.
209
00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:23,110
Here are all the people
who know me
210
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,535
as a 40-year-old mom
from New Jersey.
211
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,542
Now, they seem like
a fairly distant,
212
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,650
harmless group of people,
but as it turns out,
213
00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,092
it was really
a dormant sleeper cell
214
00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:33,646
that just got activated
by my daughter.
215
00:08:33,671 --> 00:08:36,838
Now, over here
are all the people
216
00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:39,607
who think I'm a 26-year-old
publishing assistant.
217
00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:41,368
I like to think of these people
218
00:08:41,393 --> 00:08:44,533
as a nuclear power plant
that's, like, gonna explode
219
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:45,306
at any moment.
220
00:08:45,331 --> 00:08:47,010
You know
that's not how you play Risk,
221
00:08:47,035 --> 00:08:48,226
but go on.
222
00:08:48,251 --> 00:08:50,611
All right, now, here is Josh.
223
00:08:50,636 --> 00:08:53,346
Now, Josh fell in love
with this version of me
224
00:08:53,371 --> 00:08:56,943
but now knows that this is me,
and things aren't as good.
225
00:08:56,968 --> 00:09:00,073
He knows everyone over here,
and now he knows
226
00:09:00,098 --> 00:09:01,604
some of the people over here,
227
00:09:01,629 --> 00:09:03,003
including my daughter, Caitlin,
228
00:09:03,028 --> 00:09:04,745
who is following him
on Instagram.
229
00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:06,353
What about me?
Why am I not on the board?
230
00:09:06,378 --> 00:09:09,339
Because you're home.
You're the safety zone.
231
00:09:09,364 --> 00:09:10,863
Oh, okay.
232
00:09:10,888 --> 00:09:13,389
Now, all it would take
to blow up my life completely
233
00:09:13,414 --> 00:09:16,953
is one more line
from here to here.
234
00:09:16,978 --> 00:09:19,514
Do you realize
what you've drawn here?
235
00:09:19,796 --> 00:09:22,918
Your life is not a board game.
236
00:09:22,943 --> 00:09:25,911
It's a spider web.
237
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,266
But I should be okay, right?
238
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:30,457
'Cause I'm the spider.
239
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:33,650
I think you're also the fly.
240
00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:42,483
Redmond, this is unacceptable.
241
00:09:42,508 --> 00:09:44,599
Jade agreed to a schedule.
242
00:09:44,624 --> 00:09:46,374
I should have
the first five chapters
243
00:09:46,399 --> 00:09:47,682
of her book by now.
244
00:09:47,707 --> 00:09:50,040
And you're telling me this why?
245
00:09:50,065 --> 00:09:51,486
I can't get her on the phone.
246
00:09:51,511 --> 00:09:52,961
She won't respond to my texts.
247
00:09:52,986 --> 00:09:55,471
She promised to meet me here
over an hour ago.
248
00:09:55,497 --> 00:09:57,164
Oh, she promised?
249
00:09:57,189 --> 00:09:58,855
Uh-huh, go on.
250
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,975
Dude, I broke the bank
to get this book.
251
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,931
She's an anarchist.
What do you want?
252
00:10:03,956 --> 00:10:06,480
I want her ass
sitting across from me,
253
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,839
delivering the pages
that she promised,
254
00:10:08,864 --> 00:10:10,797
or she's gonna be
in breach of contract.
255
00:10:10,822 --> 00:10:12,786
She will have to return
her entire advance,
256
00:10:12,811 --> 00:10:15,147
all of it,
including your commission.
257
00:10:15,172 --> 00:10:17,357
I got it. I got it.
I'll handle it.
258
00:10:17,382 --> 00:10:19,118
You do that.
259
00:10:27,144 --> 00:10:28,866
- _
- Did I see what?
260
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,520
No, no, no, no, no.
261
00:10:36,545 --> 00:10:39,390
Shit, shit.
262
00:10:47,588 --> 00:10:50,222
Man, this is exciting.
263
00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:51,613
What is?
264
00:10:51,638 --> 00:10:54,680
Jersey: the home
of Bruce Springsteen,
265
00:10:54,705 --> 00:10:56,196
the Sopranos, Jon Bon Jovi.
266
00:10:56,221 --> 00:10:58,614
You make it sound like
you've never been to New Jersey.
267
00:10:58,639 --> 00:10:59,938
I haven't.
268
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,657
Wait, you've been
to Tokyo and Peru,
269
00:11:01,681 --> 00:11:02,788
and you've never been
to New Jersey?
270
00:11:02,813 --> 00:11:03,928
How is this possible?
271
00:11:03,953 --> 00:11:05,453
I-I literally
never had a reason.
272
00:11:05,478 --> 00:11:07,372
Plus, I hate tolls.
273
00:11:09,476 --> 00:11:11,259
Really, a lollipop?
274
00:11:11,356 --> 00:11:13,189
I mean,
they're already well aware
275
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,380
there's an age difference.
276
00:11:14,405 --> 00:11:16,121
Babe, it's a pot pop.
277
00:11:16,146 --> 00:11:18,347
Edible marijuana so I'm relaxed.
278
00:11:18,372 --> 00:11:21,323
No, no, no, no,
you're the one who wanted
279
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,033
to go to the suburbs
of New Jersey.
280
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,656
You have to experience this raw.
281
00:11:25,681 --> 00:11:27,780
No hemp-colored glasses.
282
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:31,004
Hemp-colored glasses?
283
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:33,787
- Hey.
- You made it.
284
00:11:33,812 --> 00:11:36,918
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you again.
285
00:11:36,943 --> 00:11:38,384
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
286
00:11:38,409 --> 00:11:39,342
Nice to see you too.
287
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,828
- This is for you.
- Oh, thank you.
288
00:11:40,853 --> 00:11:42,367
Well, I hope you like steak.
289
00:11:42,392 --> 00:11:43,681
- Yes.
- Love steak.
290
00:11:43,706 --> 00:11:45,394
- Right.
- With truffle butter.
291
00:11:45,419 --> 00:11:47,002
Yum, yum.
292
00:11:47,353 --> 00:11:49,064
Thanks for this.
I'm gonna go decant it.
293
00:11:49,089 --> 00:11:50,825
Come on in.
294
00:11:51,033 --> 00:11:52,733
I think we should say something.
295
00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:53,993
About what?
296
00:11:54,018 --> 00:11:56,954
She obviously has no idea
what truffle butter is.
297
00:11:56,979 --> 00:11:59,291
It's not butter
made with truffles?
298
00:12:00,926 --> 00:12:02,842
Okay, you are officially
not allowed to give me
299
00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:04,299
any more crap about not knowing
300
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,266
what a trellis is.
301
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,363
Well, what is it, then?
302
00:12:06,388 --> 00:12:08,298
Later, after dinner.
303
00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:10,909
Don't Google it.
304
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,476
I can look it up.
305
00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:14,353
Okay, fine.
306
00:12:14,378 --> 00:12:17,480
You... you guys
have a really lovely place here.
307
00:12:17,505 --> 00:12:18,833
Oh, my God.
308
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:24,283
Jade is blowing
her advance before I see pages.
309
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:27,459
"Check out my new
python-skinned boots."
310
00:12:27,484 --> 00:12:29,312
$40,000.
311
00:12:29,337 --> 00:12:32,713
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
312
00:12:32,738 --> 00:12:34,626
- Who's Chesty Peters?
- You.
313
00:12:34,651 --> 00:12:37,294
So on top of all of this,
she's also mocking me?
314
00:12:37,319 --> 00:12:39,347
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
she actually thinks
315
00:12:39,372 --> 00:12:40,522
that's your name.
316
00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:43,253
She has the entire budget
for my imprint.
317
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:44,991
She can destroy me.
Why?
318
00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:46,603
I am so nice.
319
00:12:46,628 --> 00:12:48,402
Am I not the nicest person
that you know?
320
00:12:48,427 --> 00:12:49,763
Yes, yes, of course you are.
321
00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:52,205
Oh, wait, wait, wait, here.
Here, she just tweeted this.
322
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:53,134
Douche Burger Kings?
323
00:12:53,159 --> 00:12:57,362
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
324
00:12:57,528 --> 00:13:00,436
I mean, at least she's feeding
homeless people hamburgers.
325
00:13:00,461 --> 00:13:02,318
No, those aren't hamburgers.
Those are douche burgers.
326
00:13:02,343 --> 00:13:04,221
They're made with lobster,
caviar, foie gras,
327
00:13:04,246 --> 00:13:05,628
and they're served
in a gold-leaf wrapper.
328
00:13:05,653 --> 00:13:07,815
Dude, these...
These cost $600 each.
329
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,704
They're from a food truck.
330
00:13:09,729 --> 00:13:12,296
Wharton graduates.
They're the wacky MBAs.
331
00:13:12,687 --> 00:13:14,367
I have to stop her.
332
00:13:14,392 --> 00:13:15,892
- We gotta go get her.
- I'm leaving right now.
333
00:13:15,917 --> 00:13:17,249
You go out.
I'll call the Uber.
334
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:20,554
Excuse me, sorry.
I like your jacket.
335
00:13:21,035 --> 00:13:22,401
Tell me about the sex.
336
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,002
It's mind-blowing, isn't it?
337
00:13:24,028 --> 00:13:25,975
Oh, I don't...
338
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,788
Like, curl-your-toes,
off-the-carts mind-blowing?
339
00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:32,973
It's, uh... it's... it's...
It's... it's pretty good.
340
00:13:32,998 --> 00:13:35,078
Of course it is.
Look at him.
341
00:13:35,103 --> 00:13:37,202
Oh, my God, Liza,
you deserve this.
342
00:13:37,228 --> 00:13:39,020
After everything
you went through with David.
343
00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:39,990
Mm.
344
00:13:40,122 --> 00:13:41,569
Give me some details.
345
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:43,577
Oh, come on.
I don't... I'm not...
346
00:13:43,602 --> 00:13:44,975
I don't really feel comfortable.
347
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,141
Are you kidding me?
348
00:13:46,166 --> 00:13:48,115
What is the point
of having a boy toy
349
00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:50,367
if you can't share the details
with your bored, married friend?
350
00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:52,225
He's not a boy toy.
351
00:13:53,017 --> 00:13:54,930
Oh, come...
I know he's young,
352
00:13:55,033 --> 00:13:57,354
but you've met him now.
353
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,990
And we actually have something.
354
00:14:00,015 --> 00:14:02,098
Okay, all right.
355
00:14:02,123 --> 00:14:05,775
I really don't want
to be the one to say this,
356
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,138
but I'm afraid if I don't,
no one else will, so...
357
00:14:09,163 --> 00:14:10,170
Say what?
358
00:14:10,195 --> 00:14:13,413
You're acting like a girl
who met a boy,
359
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:14,755
but you're not.
360
00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:18,231
You're a middle-aged divorcée
who needs validation
361
00:14:18,256 --> 00:14:20,380
that she's still got it.
362
00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:23,434
That's what Josh is.
He's your 911.
363
00:14:23,459 --> 00:14:25,193
- What?
- Well, I mean the Porsche.
364
00:14:25,218 --> 00:14:26,300
God, this is so difficult.
365
00:14:26,325 --> 00:14:27,658
Feel free to stop at any time.
366
00:14:27,683 --> 00:14:29,814
I'm saying this as your friend.
367
00:14:30,618 --> 00:14:32,602
You know this will end.
368
00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:34,736
I mean, Demi Moore
couldn't make it work,
369
00:14:34,761 --> 00:14:35,956
and she's gorgeous.
370
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:37,513
I mean, not that you're not.
You are.
371
00:14:37,538 --> 00:14:40,422
But, listen,
people age in spurts,
372
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,792
like growth spurts.
373
00:14:41,872 --> 00:14:44,397
Right, you look great now,
but another couple years,
374
00:14:44,422 --> 00:14:45,862
you could get slammed
with an age spurt,
375
00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:47,017
and then where are you?
376
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:48,459
You have wasted
your last gasp of youth
377
00:14:48,484 --> 00:14:50,232
on Mr. Hunkalicious
when you could be finding
378
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,092
a real partner,
someone appropriate,
379
00:14:53,117 --> 00:14:55,649
someone you don't have to hide
from your friends.
380
00:14:55,674 --> 00:14:56,644
Josh is.
381
00:14:56,669 --> 00:14:59,526
Oh, no, don't say
he's a real partner.
382
00:14:59,751 --> 00:15:02,252
Come on.
383
00:15:02,723 --> 00:15:05,941
I know it feels good now.
384
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,337
I just don't want you
to mistake it
385
00:15:08,362 --> 00:15:09,418
for something it's not
386
00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:12,829
and wind up getting hurt
all over again.
387
00:15:12,854 --> 00:15:15,122
Are you ready
to see the trellis?
388
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:18,064
Oh, the trellis.
389
00:15:19,291 --> 00:15:20,673
Come on.
390
00:15:28,649 --> 00:15:30,601
Liza?
391
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:33,219
Coming.
392
00:15:41,928 --> 00:15:43,228
- Missed her.
- Ugh!
393
00:15:43,253 --> 00:15:44,452
What are we gonna do?
394
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,580
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
395
00:15:49,605 --> 00:15:51,188
Here, she just tweeted this.
396
00:15:51,213 --> 00:15:54,177
Where do you even get
a gold coke straw?
397
00:15:54,202 --> 00:15:55,529
Etsy.
398
00:15:55,554 --> 00:15:59,117
Oh, my God, she's literally
blowing her advance.
399
00:15:59,142 --> 00:16:00,441
What... what am I
gonna do?
400
00:16:00,466 --> 00:16:01,409
Wait, wait.
401
00:16:01,434 --> 00:16:03,354
Screenshot that.
402
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,662
Okay, blow it up.
403
00:16:04,687 --> 00:16:07,064
Look at that moisturizer.
404
00:16:07,089 --> 00:16:09,591
That is from a guest room
at the Gramercy Park Hotel.
405
00:16:09,616 --> 00:16:11,156
How do you know that?
406
00:16:11,181 --> 00:16:13,017
Oh, it's where Hector goes
to blow off steam
407
00:16:13,042 --> 00:16:14,561
and the room service waiters.
408
00:16:15,771 --> 00:16:19,180
Okay, ready?
One, two...
409
00:16:19,205 --> 00:16:20,787
Prepare to be blown away.
410
00:16:22,562 --> 00:16:24,138
Wow.
411
00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:29,224
I feel like I could spend
the rest of my life
412
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,752
just looking at this.
413
00:16:30,777 --> 00:16:33,304
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
414
00:16:33,329 --> 00:16:34,979
Liza, isn't it unreal?
415
00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:37,393
Yeah.
416
00:16:43,445 --> 00:16:44,981
You okay?
417
00:16:45,006 --> 00:16:49,342
My heart is pumping
really loudly in my chest.
418
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:50,149
Can you hear it?
419
00:16:50,174 --> 00:16:52,990
- Your heart?
- Yeah.
420
00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:55,429
Liza?
421
00:16:55,738 --> 00:16:57,348
Did you eat the lollipop?
422
00:16:57,373 --> 00:16:59,452
- No.
- Liza...
423
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,910
- Yes.
- Did you eat the whole thing?
424
00:17:01,935 --> 00:17:03,570
I feel...
425
00:17:03,595 --> 00:17:07,728
I feel, um, wow.
426
00:17:07,753 --> 00:17:11,113
- She ate a lollipop?
- I did!
427
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:14,569
- Sugar makes me nuts-o.
- Yeah, hmm.
428
00:17:14,594 --> 00:17:16,844
I'm hypoglycemic.
429
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,524
Yeah, she's gonna be all right.
430
00:17:19,549 --> 00:17:23,999
Um, I think we should
probably get going, though.
431
00:17:24,058 --> 00:17:25,982
We had such a great time.
432
00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:27,374
Thank you guys so much.
433
00:17:27,399 --> 00:17:29,580
Next time, more protein.
434
00:17:29,605 --> 00:17:31,551
Eat more steak.
435
00:17:31,576 --> 00:17:34,293
- With truffle butter.
- Shh!
436
00:17:34,318 --> 00:17:38,020
- Come on.
- Michelle, you so nasty.
437
00:17:38,045 --> 00:17:39,533
- I-I...
- What?
438
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,487
Why am I nasty?
439
00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:45,492
What's wrong
with truffle butter?
440
00:17:45,517 --> 00:17:47,383
- Nothing.
- Google it.
441
00:17:47,408 --> 00:17:49,550
No, don't, don't.
442
00:17:49,575 --> 00:17:52,276
Just bye, bye.
443
00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:55,135
Google it.
Google it, now.
444
00:17:55,694 --> 00:17:56,842
Jade.
445
00:17:58,783 --> 00:18:00,978
Jade, open the door!
446
00:18:01,003 --> 00:18:02,130
Hey, quick question.
447
00:18:02,155 --> 00:18:04,297
Um, would you be mad
if I stayed at this party?
448
00:18:04,323 --> 00:18:06,038
No, I thought so.
449
00:18:06,063 --> 00:18:08,045
Jade Winslow.
450
00:18:08,070 --> 00:18:10,538
Oh! Hey, Chesty.
451
00:18:10,563 --> 00:18:12,045
Do you not know my name?
452
00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:14,539
Is everybody
getting their face painted?
453
00:18:16,159 --> 00:18:17,441
Where are my pages?
454
00:18:17,466 --> 00:18:19,216
Oh, is that why you're here?
455
00:18:19,241 --> 00:18:21,158
Is that why
you busted into my party
456
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:24,184
and threatened my agent
and won't stop harassing me
457
00:18:24,209 --> 00:18:27,176
over some, like, stupid pages?
458
00:18:27,201 --> 00:18:29,618
Yes.
I need those.
459
00:18:29,643 --> 00:18:31,810
I don't know how you
expect me to publish your book
460
00:18:31,835 --> 00:18:32,920
without them.
461
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,336
Don't you get it?
462
00:18:34,361 --> 00:18:38,486
Okay, bitch, there is no book.
463
00:18:42,249 --> 00:18:45,186
I am so screwed.
464
00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:53,158
Mm.
465
00:18:53,183 --> 00:18:55,245
Hi.
466
00:18:55,270 --> 00:18:56,403
How you feeling?
467
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:58,223
So stupid.
468
00:18:58,306 --> 00:19:01,027
I'm sorry I ate your lollipop.
469
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:03,183
It's okay.
470
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,449
For future reference, though,
471
00:19:05,474 --> 00:19:07,365
you're supposed to lick it.
472
00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:09,787
You're not supposed to eat
the whole thing.
473
00:19:09,812 --> 00:19:11,089
Mm.
474
00:19:11,424 --> 00:19:14,467
Why'd you do it, though?
475
00:19:14,885 --> 00:19:16,168
Hmm?
476
00:19:16,193 --> 00:19:19,027
Michelle sort of
got under my skin.
477
00:19:19,052 --> 00:19:20,518
About what?
478
00:19:20,543 --> 00:19:21,910
About...
479
00:19:23,218 --> 00:19:24,667
Don't worry about it.
480
00:19:24,692 --> 00:19:26,458
Come on.
481
00:19:26,524 --> 00:19:28,190
If we're gonna have
this relationship,
482
00:19:28,215 --> 00:19:29,754
we have to talk.
483
00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:31,713
You can't hide from everything.
484
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,151
Okay.
485
00:19:38,072 --> 00:19:42,474
Michelle sort of pointed out
that the math between us
486
00:19:42,499 --> 00:19:44,267
presents problems.
487
00:19:44,291 --> 00:19:46,276
And what do you think?
488
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:50,129
I think she's not wrong.
489
00:19:52,528 --> 00:19:54,480
Go on.
490
00:19:54,505 --> 00:19:55,887
I guess I kind of do worry
491
00:19:55,912 --> 00:19:58,148
that this has
an expiration date.
492
00:19:59,315 --> 00:20:01,359
Really?
493
00:20:02,029 --> 00:20:03,671
Why?
494
00:20:03,696 --> 00:20:06,415
A lot of reasons?
495
00:20:07,251 --> 00:20:09,991
I mean, maybe you'll want
to have kids someday.
496
00:20:10,256 --> 00:20:12,390
Maybe.
497
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:13,859
Right.
498
00:20:14,498 --> 00:20:17,820
Maybe we should just get married
499
00:20:17,845 --> 00:20:19,369
and start having kids.
500
00:20:21,357 --> 00:20:22,502
Shut up.
501
00:20:22,526 --> 00:20:23,715
You shut up.
502
00:20:29,424 --> 00:20:32,900
Look, I don't know
503
00:20:32,925 --> 00:20:35,435
what our future holds,
504
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:39,568
but I know
I don't want to bail on this.
505
00:20:39,593 --> 00:20:41,643
Me neither.
506
00:20:41,668 --> 00:20:45,253
So can we keep going?
507
00:20:46,991 --> 00:20:48,938
Yes.
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