All language subtitles for Pramface s02e04 Just Two People With a Kid.eng

You'll be gone all day, then? That's
not a problem, is it, Supermum? No.

I've got it all covered.
All about planning.

Now, if there's any problems,
give me a call.

Jamie, don't worry,
we're not idiots.

Well, I'M not an idiot.

Where the hell is she?
She's with Alan.

Alan? Alan's not safe.

Yeah, she's fine.

I think she misses her mummy, though.

Oh, bollocks.

So how many people
have you actually invited?

Because my mum says we can probably
only afford about 50.

It's fine, it's just
a few people from college.

Kimberly Richards.

Ah! Lovely Kimberly.

Stephanie, brackets, fit Stephanie,

not Stephanie whatshername,
close brackets.

That Stephanie's nice. You can
have her at your party, then.

The girls' hockey team?
There's only 11 of them.

The girls' hockey B team?

Oh, yeah,
but I'm not inviting the goalies.

I don't know half of these girls.

Exactly. Play to our strengths.

I notice there are no boys
on this list.

Yeah, there is, there's me,
there's Jamie.

Fine, I'll invite the goalies.

Who have you asked?

Mum, Dad and Leanne from work.

Your parents and your boss?
What are you doing?

This party is in crisis.

It's in 24 hours, we haven't even
got any confirmed hot girls.

I'm waiting to hear
back from Laura too.

Why on earth would you
want her there?

Because she's the mother of my child.

Exactly. Why on earth
would you want her there?

I just thought it would be nice.
Really?

Yeah. And she'll be bringing Emily.

Oh, great, a baby too!

If I didn't invite her,
it'd look bad.

Fine.

Mum, Dad, Emily, Laura.

Thank you.
We're pushing it for numbers.

I'm going to have to drop some
of the netball squad and maybe Beth.

'Hi, Laura, how's it going?'

What do you want?

Look, I know
you're probably really busy.

Yes, I am busy.

'I wondered if you'd thought
about coming to my 18th.

'It'd be really nice if...'

'Dad!'

Sorry, Jamie, your 18th.
'Yeah.'

It's tomorrow.
It'd be really nice to see you.

Yeah, I don't know
if I can make it, to be honest.

Danielle's back from uni
this weekend.

She can come too
and you can bring Emily.

'Really? No, I don't think so.'

It's for family too. You're family.

Hardly.

Well, I'd still like you
to come anyway.

OK, well, yeah,
I'll have a think about it.

'Oh, great, it's at the...'

Mission accomplished.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, that's right,
"Happy birthday, Jamie"

in Roman candles and Catherine
wheels with a rocket finale.

How much? And without the rockets
is that...?

He'll call you back.

OK, so that's quotes for
the fireworks, the bubble machine

and the weapons-grade
confetti cannon.

Does that say stripper?

No. Oh.

Yes.

You are not booking a stripper.

No, it's paint stripper.

It's street slang!
You know, as in cheap booze.

How much is all this costing?

Remember,
Jamie's parents are paying.

Oh, it's fine,
his dad loves a party.

And that is why the government
have funded these workshops

for the long-term unemployed.

A positive mental attitude plays
a big part in getting a job,

so we're looking at how to tap in
to that positive energy

that's all around us.

We'll be looking at mindfulness
exercises, meditation, basic yoga.

Now, let's take a look at
why work is a four-letter word.

Willpower. Objectives.

Relaxation. Karma.

Here's some literature for you
to read before next time.

Do we have to read this?

Keep it job positive. Read this and,
trust me, a positive will result.

Yeah, right.

You won't get your benefits cut.

Hello?

'Hiya. We still on
for tomorrow night?'

Hi. Yeah, yeah. No,
I'm really looking forward to it.

Good. Cos Olly's having a party.

Oh. Oh, OK. I thought
we were just going to chill.

'You need to get out, girl,
before you turn into'

a class A baby bore.

'It's not actually the baby.'

It's just that there's
another party. It's Jamie's 18th.

Oh, for God's sake, Laura,
it's time to move on.

But what about Emily? I'm going
to have to get a babysitter.

Duh, what are parents for? Come on,
we are going to Olly's party.

OK. Sounds great.

Keith?

Keith.

Keith, are you OK?

I feel fantastic.

You look terrible.

I hate to say it - she was right.

If I want to get myself a job,

I've got to get myself
into a positive mindset.

That comes from two key things -

physical fitness...

and spiritual awareness.

Do you know, Buddha once sat in
the same spot for 49 days in a row?

Like you during the World Cup.

You do not need enlightenment.
What you need is a job.

It will come.

But first I need to align myself
with the right energies.

Make me a tea, green, no sugar.

Green? Yeah. Takes ten years off you.

Party tomorrow night.

Are you handing those
to random women?

No. Random hot women.

This is it, Beth,
this is my career sorted.

Party entrepr... Ent... Entrep...

Party organiser.

So did you cancel the stripper?
I didn't book a stripper.

Mike!

OK, I'll get on it.

Party tomorrow night? I'll be there.

There'll be drugs.

Drugs? What do you mean drugs?
Shhhh!

Course there'll be drugs -
it's a party.

You are aware they're illegal.

Exactly.
That's what makes them so cool.

Drugs keep farmers in Columbia
in abject poverty.

No, Beth, I think you're getting
a little bit confused.

Drugs are expensive.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look, don't worry, the drugs
I'm getting, they're 100% organic,

ethically-sourced
and, best of all, free.

What the hell are you talking about?

Don't worry,
I've got it all planned.

Yeah.
Those two phrases don't go together.

For the love of God, Keith,
would you not have some meatballs?

I'm trying to back off consuming
animal products. Meat is murder.

They're economy
supermarket meatballs,

it can only be 50% murder, if that.

You can't just have fruit.

It's already playing havoc
with your guts.

It's a necessary stage on the path
to mental positivity. I'm detoxing.

Is that what it's called?
You'll end up living in that toilet.

OK, I'm heading out.

Wait, wait. For your birthday cake,
do you want your usual?

You know, the hungry moose?

Mum, it's my 18th.

I know, but they do a big one now
so I can get all the candles on it.

No, I mean,
I think I've probably outgrown it.

Oh, God. My little boy's too old
for the hungry moose.

Quite right too, son.
It's all just soulless

commercial exploitation
of man's natural birth cycle.

Now, if you will excuse me...

Where are you going?

Detox.

Magic mushroom land.

Looks a bit tricky, Beth.
I better go first.

Just think, somewhere
in this field are some of

the most powerful, mind-altering
substances in the world.

Hey, maybe that's why cows
are always so spaced out.

Let's try over here. Are you sure
you know what you're looking for?

Yeah, mushrooms.

Do you know how many varieties
there are?

There's those big ones,
the ones that gnomes sit on.

Those are toadstools.

All right, what about these ones?
Any good?

That's a death cap.

They cause nausea,
heart palpitations,

low blood pressure,
vomiting and then a coma.

How long would the coma be for,
roughly?

Ah, look, I think I've found some.

These ones? They just look
like ordinary mushrooms.

Maybe that's what's
so magic about them.

Makes sense.

Woo-hoo,
we're going to be off our tits.

No of fence. None taken.

Oh, look at that one. It's a beauty.

Laura?

Laura, we're shopping for YOU.
So pick something.

Oh, OK. Um...

This.

God, no,
that's like a neon sign screaming,

"Mum going out
for the first time in a year."

Um... This?

See, now, that is a hot dress.

Olly's mates will be all over you.

Yeah,
it's probably really expensive.

Yeah, it's really expensive.

Laura, I'm not going
to let you turn into

one of those boring single mums
who never goes out, OK?

This dress says
you're back in the game.

Or back on the game.

Even better. We're getting it.

Hey! Nice one, Mum.

Well, you were banging on about it
for about six months. And now...

Keith!

Ta-da!

Oh, Mum!

I couldn't resist it. Oh.

Keith!

Keith, where are you?

In here. Ah, come on.

Give us five minutes.

Oh, for God's sake. Keith!

You know what,
will you grab them plates?

We'll just have
it in the living room.

Great.

Get that door there, love.

Ah, thanks.

Mother of Jesus, Keith!

Dad, what are you doing?

It's called the lotus.
It's very calming.

I think I'd rather have my cake
in the kitchen.

You know, Keith, for a man
squatting on a Homebase rug

in his underwear,
you actually look quite good.

Have you lost a bit of weight?

No. I've gained perspective.

Ah, well, whatever it is,
I like it.

Now, come and have some cake.

After I've done
the crouching ostrich.

I'm not sure what that is

but I'm guessing
I should close the curtains.

Ohh.

Nice dress.

Thanks.

Sandra did invite us tonight, but
I said we had to babysit for you.

Feeble excuse, I know, but...

No, you are babysitting for me.

Are we? Oh, good.
The truth - perfect alibi.

Well, give Jamie the bumps from me.

Oh, no, I'm not going to Jamie's.

Oh, does that mean I'm lying again?

No, I'm going to another party
with Danielle, so...

Oh, right.
And Jamie's OK with that, is he?

I doubt he'll even notice
that I'm not there.

Shouldn't you just pop in?

Why?

Well, it is a big event, isn't it?

I think you should maybe
make the effort. Dad!

I make all the effort.
I'm at home with Emily every day.

The few times I ask him
to do something, he lets me down.

He's a useless father.

No.

I was a useless father.

I missed your first words,
your first steps,

missed most of the first five years,
really.

I even volunteered
to go on business trips.

I mean, I know it's not easy for you

but Jamie does try.

I think you should cut the boy
some slack.

Hmm?

Anyway...

Hi!

OK, so nice dress but that it
definitely not the right accessory.

We are not going to Jamie's.
I really think I ought to go.

Well, I'm not going. Well,
I can't face walking in on my own.

Please, just for a bit? No way.

I'll buy all the drinks
and then you can go on to Olly's.

I can go on to Olly's?

I'll pay for the cab. Please,
please? We're still going out.

Yep. All three of us. Whoo!

Brilliant! Thanks, Beth.

Jamie, Jamie!

What's wrong with Mike?

Oh, nothing, it's just
the hallucinogenic drugs.

What? Don't worry,
he thinks he's got magic mushrooms,

but they're not, they're
the un-magic but delicious type.

He wants us all to take some.

Shall we?

Anything to shut him up.

Right, so I got the lager
and I got the M&M's.

You ready? Sure, why not?

OK, let's fly.
Come on, Mike, you take some first.

OK.

Anything?

Yeah, I'm tripping. Definitely.

What's it like?

Magic.

Cool.

Come on, you sexy, bendy man.

Right, you, come on. Let's do this.

Whoo!

Whoop! Hey!

Right up the crack of your arse.

Hi, son. Happy birthday.

Thanks, Mum. Thank you.

All right, hey,
happy birthday, buddy.

Thanks. Thanks for making the effort.
That's all right.

Don't worry,
I'm sure she'll turn up.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah, we are here to party.

What do you want? Tap water.

And a large glass of white.

A large white wine
and a tap water, please, mate.

Jamie, happy birthday.

This is my cousin, Hannah.

Hi. Hi.

Happy birthday, Jamie.

Jamie's the one who reorganised
all the under-fives merchandise.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's me.
King of the soft toys.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, Leanne?

Keith.

Come on, you. Let's move.

Beth, your 'shrooms kicked in yet?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, the colours are really vivid,
aren't they?

Really? I'm not getting anything.

Are you drinking as well, though?

Yeah, course.

Maybe you have
a very high tolerance threshold.

Yeah, yeah, no, that sounds right.

Maybe you should take some more.

Do you think? Yeah, go for it.

Whoo!

I am the mushroom man!

Hey, let's crank up the music,
everybody. Wahey!

Sorry.

Ah, the 'shrooms are really
kicking in now.

Oh, the colours are,
like, changing colour, man.

I think that's just the disco lights,
Mike.

Amazing. Whoo!

Come on, toy boy.
Come and dance with us.

Oh, OK.

You made it.

Happy birthday, Jamie. And
Emily says, "Happy birthday, Daddy."

Hello!

And I say, "Is there a free bar?"

Sure.

This is from Emily.

Ah, that's lovely, thanks, Em.

All her own work.

Ah, that's really nice,
thanks, Laura.

I'm so glad you came.

She likes the music.

Do you want to dance?

Who?

All of us.

OK.

Dance with Daddy.

Come on.

All right, Danielle?
Do you remember me?

Yes.

Hey, so I was... Whatever the
question is, the answer is no.

I'm on drugs. What, for the acne?

No, no, no, no.
Me, Mike, Jamie and Beth,

we're all off our head
on the old M&M's. M&M's?

Yeah, magic mushrooms.

Yeah, don't really affect me.
Got quite a high mushroom tolerance.

Actually,
do you have any spare drugs on you?

You know, a little something
for the comedown.

Oh, yeah, I do, actually.
Let me just go and get them.

Oh, Emily.

OK, I've had about as much
"fun" here as I can stand.

Aww, look, he is so sweet with her.

He'd be happy to cuddle a Rottweiler
if he's tripping like Mike is.

Tripping?

Yeah, him and Mike are on mushrooms

and now they're trying
to score something else.

Give her to me. What?

I cannot believe that you lot are on
drugs in front of your own daughter.

I'm not on drugs.

Don't lie to me too, Jamie.

Oh, the mushrooms.

They're just normal mushrooms.
We're just winding up Mike.

Yeah, right, look at him.
He's completely off his face.

He's not. That's just Mike
and a few pints.

Oh, really, is it?
And how many pints have you had?

I'm 18 and it's my birthday,

I'm allowed a couple of drinks,
for God's sake.

I'm not a kid.
You can't keep treating me like one.

I'm officially a fully-grown man

and have been
for the past...26 minutes.

Oh, well, congratulations!

You're not the only adult
in this relationship now.

What relationship?

Us. There is no us.

You're not my boyfriend, Jamie.
We're barely even mates.

We're just two people who had a kid.

Jesus, this was such a mistake.

I never should have come here,
I should have gone to Olly's.

Who the hell is Olly?
He is a friend of Danielle's.

Not that it's any of your business.

I could have gone to his party, but,

oh, no, I had to come here,
to your party.

Oh, fine.

If you don't want to be here,
don't let me get in your way.

Give me Emily and you can go
and do what you'd rather be doing.

Hallelujah, he finally babysits!

Come on, let's go.

Don't drink too much, Laura.

We all know what happened last time
you went to a party with Danielle.

Lock up your sons, everyone,
Laura's coming.

No, Mike, you didn't.

Which one's the birthday boy?

Does this feel a bit weird?

A little bit.

Do you want me to keep going or...?

Er... I don't know.

She's a cutie. How old's she?

Four months.

Aw, I've got two of my own.

Ella and Barney.

That's nice.

I was in labour 16 hours
with Barney.

OK, stop now.

Stop? I'm still getting paid, right?
< Aw, come on!

Oh, you're an animal.

Come on.

Hang on, whoa! I dropped... Hang on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Just keep going.

The song's going.
It's sort of distracting.

That's... That's put me off.

It's all right. Ooh!

I don't mind. Just keep going.

Sorry.

Oh, I'm clapping my hands.

Oh, don't stop, ooh.

Are you going?

Yeah.

Well, if you fancy going for a drink
sometime, just give me a call.

See ya.

Jamie, come on, stay a bit longer,
it's your party.

Have you seen that bowl Laura got me?

Ugh. No.

I think I'm finally getting it.

We don't need material goods
or money.

I don't actually need a job.

Keith, shut up,
I think I might be pregnant.

What?

Oh, shit.

Negative.

Oh, God! Oh, I need a drink.

Yeah.

I think I just put those ten years
back on.

What happened to the detox?

OK, I'm off out, then.

There you go.

God, we really dodged
a bullet there.

Oh, God, what a relief.

It must just be the menopause.

I'm really glad you called.

Yeah, yeah, so am I.

Jamie, it seems, is seeing someone.

Sneaky little bastard.

So I am taking action
in the form of this guy.

Oh, nice.

I have a date.

Really?

With a man.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0