Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:31,697 --> 00:00:33,332
- This is truly unprecedented.
2
00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:35,334
- Josh, we're making dinner.
3
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:37,370
Turn off the boob tube, you
knucklehead!
4
00:00:37,403 --> 00:00:38,204
- Okay, Dad.
5
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,207
- Hello, America.
6
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,309
Do not adjust your television
sets.
7
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:45,611
The Coalition for Transparency
8
00:00:45,644 --> 00:00:48,514
has taken over this broadcast.
9
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:51,384
Too long, people have hidden
their truths.
10
00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:55,621
The world needs transparency
now more than ever.
11
00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:58,391
Two hours from now,
your world will change.
12
00:00:58,424 --> 00:01:02,161
Two hours from now, we will know
all.
13
00:01:02,194 --> 00:01:04,130
Two hours from now,
14
00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:08,601
we will reveal your search
histories.
15
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:14,807
- That's ridiculous!
16
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,542
- Yeah, right.
17
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:18,277
Oh big whoop, okay.
18
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:21,347
- Wow.
19
00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:22,682
Well, I guess I know I'm gonna
delete
20
00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:24,684
my search history once I get
home.
21
00:01:24,717 --> 00:01:25,751
- Folks, our
producers
22
00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:27,120
will figure out what that was,
23
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:28,154
in the meantime let's go back
to--
24
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:29,689
- Honey, do you know
where I put my grey suit?
25
00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:31,457
I just remembered I need it for
tomorrow.
26
00:01:31,490 --> 00:01:31,991
- I think it's--
27
00:01:32,024 --> 00:01:32,859
- The laundry room.
28
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,795
Don't worry, I'll get it.
29
00:01:35,828 --> 00:01:37,463
- Oh shoot, it's Wednesday.
30
00:01:37,496 --> 00:01:38,798
I have to take,
31
00:01:38,831 --> 00:01:39,899
I forgot tennis.
32
00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:42,368
I'm so forgetful!
33
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:46,572
- Yeah, me too.
34
00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:15,835
- Olive, how was piano this
week?
35
00:02:15,868 --> 00:02:17,770
- Folks, thank you for sticking
with us.
36
00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:19,372
We are now hearing that
37
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,741
even if you delete your
local search history,
38
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:24,410
it will still be available
somewhere else.
39
00:02:24,443 --> 00:02:27,346
Meaning, in all likelihood,
it will be released.
40
00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:29,782
Sorry, Parm.
41
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:31,684
- That's gonna be really bad.
42
00:02:31,717 --> 00:02:32,752
- It's fine.
43
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,655
- I must get ahead of this one,
end quote.
44
00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,623
Making our new president the
second one
45
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,692
to be sworn in, in the last
hour.
46
00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:41,427
Now, if you are just joining us,
47
00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:43,596
we are trying to
understand how the exposure
48
00:02:43,629 --> 00:02:45,765
of our search histories will
effect us.
49
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,600
Joining us is Victor Sussman,
50
00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:49,835
he is an expert in cyber
terrorism from MIT,
51
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:50,903
thank you so much for being
here.
52
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:52,271
- Gosh, thanks for having me
Parm.
53
00:02:52,304 --> 00:02:55,508
Basically, the long and short of
this is,
54
00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:57,177
well,
55
00:02:58,477 --> 00:03:00,780
this is the worst thing
that could ever happen.
56
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:01,914
- Wow, really?
57
00:03:01,947 --> 00:03:02,715
- Really.
58
00:03:02,748 --> 00:03:03,950
What was your last Google
search?
59
00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:05,618
- What are you guys drinking?
60
00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:06,786
- Just juice.
61
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:10,323
Hey, your dad and I think
we have a pretty good idea.
62
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,490
- Your mom's the brains here.
63
00:03:11,523 --> 00:03:12,925
All credits to her.
64
00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:15,328
- If everyone's search
history is out there,
65
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,598
then we should all
agree not to look at it.
66
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:22,435
- Yes, as a family we shouldn't
invade each other's privacy.
67
00:03:22,468 --> 00:03:23,603
- Why?
68
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:24,937
- Olive.
69
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:27,506
Nothing good can come of looking
at it.
70
00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:29,308
It's silly, really.
71
00:03:29,341 --> 00:03:30,376
- Well are you hiding something?
72
00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:31,277
- No, are you?
73
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:31,844
- No.
74
00:03:31,877 --> 00:03:32,778
- Well I know I'm not,
75
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:35,581
and I don't think anyone in this
house is,
76
00:03:35,614 --> 00:03:36,582
and that's the point.
77
00:03:36,615 --> 00:03:38,851
We should all just love
and respect each other.
78
00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:44,690
- Folks, for the first time in
US history,
79
00:03:44,723 --> 00:03:46,259
in just under two hours,
80
00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:48,961
we have seen five presidents
resign from office.
81
00:03:48,994 --> 00:03:49,662
This is--
82
00:03:49,695 --> 00:03:50,997
- Sorry to cut you off, Parm,
83
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:53,266
but the moment of truth is here.
84
00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:54,400
It's happening in
85
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:55,301
five,
86
00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:56,369
four,
87
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:57,436
three,
88
00:03:57,469 --> 00:03:58,537
two,
89
00:03:58,570 --> 00:03:59,538
one,
90
00:03:59,571 --> 00:04:00,373
now.
91
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:05,778
- Well, it seems like
nothing's happening here, so.
92
00:04:05,811 --> 00:04:09,715
- No Parm, we are getting
word that the website is live.
93
00:04:09,748 --> 00:04:12,652
- Look, this is gonna take
a long time to figure out.
94
00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:13,786
Who can figure out what?
95
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,588
No, it looks like it's
incredibly intuitive, actually.
96
00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:17,757
I can just type in your
name, Parm Daniels,
97
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:19,492
and your whole search history
comes up
98
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:21,494
in this really impressively
organized database.
99
00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:22,328
It's amazing.
100
00:04:22,361 --> 00:04:23,195
- Please.
101
00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,998
- Wait, Parm, what are frisbee
boys?
102
00:04:26,031 --> 00:04:27,600
- Gimme that.
103
00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:28,034
Dammit.
104
00:04:31,036 --> 00:04:32,638
- That's my personal property,
Parm.
105
00:04:33,872 --> 00:04:35,007
- Okay, this is happening.
106
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,510
All tablets and phones into the
tool box.
107
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:39,612
- No matter what happens out
there,
108
00:04:39,645 --> 00:04:42,381
we're going to weather
this storm as a family.
109
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,044
- So, how's--
110
00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:15,948
- Is that Mrs. Talbot?
111
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:16,982
- Yeah.
112
00:05:17,015 --> 00:05:18,718
- Yeah, it was.
113
00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:23,689
- Where are you going?
114
00:05:23,722 --> 00:05:25,091
- To get more water.
115
00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,393
- Oh, sorry.
116
00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:31,430
Have you heard from work?
117
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,666
- Yeah, it's fine.
118
00:05:33,699 --> 00:05:35,701
CEO skipped town,
119
00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:38,437
so I may have to find something
new.
120
00:05:43,842 --> 00:05:45,578
- How 'bout some music?
121
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:47,613
Let's turn on the radio.
122
00:05:47,646 --> 00:05:49,915
- The radio?
123
00:05:58,123 --> 00:05:59,091
- We interrupt this
music
124
00:05:59,124 --> 00:06:01,594
to bring you breaking
news out of Washington,
125
00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:03,796
where our sixth president in two
hours
126
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:06,499
is currently being impeached.
127
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:07,900
- Ladies and
gentlemen, the press,
128
00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:08,968
thank you for coming here.
129
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:13,038
All I did was search for
a human-chimpanzee hybrid.
130
00:06:13,071 --> 00:06:15,474
I heard a rumor that they might
exist,
131
00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:16,809
and just thought it was weird,
132
00:06:16,842 --> 00:06:18,043
and wanted to look it up.
133
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:22,615
I am not currently creating
genetically modified soldiers.
134
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,683
Someone just told me about it
one day,
135
00:06:24,716 --> 00:06:26,886
and my curiosity got the best of
me!
136
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:29,488
I just wanted to know
what it would look like!
137
00:06:29,521 --> 00:06:30,756
- I kinda get where he's coming
from.
138
00:06:30,789 --> 00:06:33,726
- You know, Olive's been gone
for a while.
139
00:06:37,729 --> 00:06:38,697
- Olive, no!
140
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,976
- Wait, let's think about this.
141
00:06:51,009 --> 00:06:53,179
- Right, let's all just
stay calm and use our heads.
142
00:06:53,212 --> 00:06:54,547
- You guys would not be acting
like this
143
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:55,815
if you did not have something to
hide.
144
00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:56,682
- Tell us then!
145
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:57,383
- Kids, you're telling me you've
never
146
00:06:57,416 --> 00:06:58,251
searched for something weird?
147
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,920
- I mean, yeah, but I want to
know.
148
00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:04,123
- Wait, wait, no don't!
149
00:07:04,156 --> 00:07:06,091
- Jim, man-up and help me out.
150
00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:06,992
- Don't you touch.
151
00:07:07,025 --> 00:07:07,793
No!
152
00:07:07,826 --> 00:07:11,497
- Dad, what is 'is dad bod
cool?'
153
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:12,031
- It's nothing!
154
00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:12,732
I was joking!
155
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,234
- What about 'centaurs real?'
156
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:17,136
Are you that dumb?
157
00:07:17,169 --> 00:07:18,137
- Josh, please!
158
00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:20,206
- You actually thought
the centaurs were real?
159
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,208
You're a sad, stupid man.
160
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:24,076
- I wasn't sure!
161
00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:26,846
Joshie, both halves
are independently real.
162
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:28,113
- That makes no sense!
163
00:07:28,146 --> 00:07:29,114
- You wanna do this?
164
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:29,681
- Let's go!
165
00:07:29,714 --> 00:07:30,783
- You wanna do this boy?
166
00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:31,484
- Yeah, let's go.
167
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,819
- You searched for 'ass yacht.'
168
00:07:33,852 --> 00:07:34,787
What?
169
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:35,254
- Yeah, so?
170
00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:36,055
- Ass yacht?
171
00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:38,491
- Yeah, ass yacht.
172
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,960
- Olive, just come out
sweetheart.
173
00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:42,161
None of us have to be
embarrassed
174
00:07:42,194 --> 00:07:44,563
or upset about anything we've
searched.
175
00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,931
It's all normal.
176
00:07:45,964 --> 00:07:48,200
- Why did you search 'where
to get burner phone?'
177
00:07:48,233 --> 00:07:48,901
- Huh?
178
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:49,802
What is that?
179
00:07:51,069 --> 00:07:52,605
What is 'how to abandon car?'
180
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:55,641
- Okay, well while we're at it,
181
00:07:55,674 --> 00:07:59,512
what is 'dolphin hair for
girls?'
182
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:01,280
- I wanna have dolphin hair.
183
00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:06,085
- Hey Jim, why are you searching
'Blake Lively married?'
184
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:07,887
- Because I just couldn't
remember, alright?
185
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,855
Why are you searching 'European
boat sex?'
186
00:08:09,888 --> 00:08:11,590
- I guess I couldn't remember
either.
187
00:08:11,623 --> 00:08:13,025
'Kirsten Dunst married?'
188
00:08:13,058 --> 00:08:14,627
- I just wanna know who's
married.
189
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,128
- Oh, you're disgusting.
190
00:08:16,161 --> 00:08:17,196
- I'm disgusting?
191
00:08:17,229 --> 00:08:19,064
What the heck is 'poisoning
non-lethal,' Laura?
192
00:08:19,097 --> 00:08:20,298
- Shut up, pervert!
193
00:08:20,332 --> 00:08:23,569
You have no idea what it's like
when nobody appreciates you.
194
00:08:23,602 --> 00:08:24,570
- Laura, I--
195
00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,539
- Hey Joshua, what's a
'butt squash fetish?'
196
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:27,740
- Nothing!
197
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:29,575
You looked up how to be a
dolphin.
198
00:08:29,608 --> 00:08:30,843
- Yeah, because I want to be a
dolphin.
199
00:08:30,876 --> 00:08:31,777
- Well, that's impossible.
200
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:32,711
- No, it's not, you pervert.
201
00:08:32,744 --> 00:08:33,578
- Hey!
202
00:08:33,612 --> 00:08:35,748
- What does 'penis warts new'
mean?
203
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:36,749
- Okay, put the racket down.
204
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:37,616
Let me explain.
205
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,852
What does 'new life Barbados'
mean?
206
00:08:39,885 --> 00:08:42,121
- Exactly what you think it
does, Jim.
207
00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:43,822
- Okay, everyone stop!
208
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,157
Stop!
209
00:08:45,190 --> 00:08:47,192
Let's just say the most
questionable thing
210
00:08:47,225 --> 00:08:51,130
that we searched for,
so that we can move on?
211
00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:53,265
- Fine.
212
00:08:53,298 --> 00:08:56,035
- Okay, I'll go first.
213
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,870
Thank you.
214
00:08:57,903 --> 00:09:00,573
I searched for 'how many
ounces in a gallon.'
215
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:01,840
- But you search that everyday.
216
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:03,275
- Because I just can't remember!
217
00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:04,043
- There it is!
218
00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:04,677
- I'm a dolphin!
219
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:07,046
- 'I'm scared of my son?'
220
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:08,981
- 'How to leave family
guilt-free?'
221
00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:09,949
- What's 'squash sex boat?'
222
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:12,318
- 'Words to Linkin Park
Transformers song?'
223
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,021
- 'Do hummingbirds
have feet?'
224
00:09:16,054 --> 00:09:19,124
- We all looked for 'do
hummingbirds have feet?'
225
00:09:21,259 --> 00:09:23,696
- I thought they did, but
I just couldn't remember
226
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,130
what they looked like.
227
00:09:25,163 --> 00:09:26,732
- Well they, of course, do.
228
00:09:26,765 --> 00:09:28,367
- I just wanted to see them.
229
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,134
- Me too.
230
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,970
- Wow.
231
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,638
What just happened here, gang?
232
00:09:32,671 --> 00:09:35,341
- I think we all got a little
caught up in the frenzy.
233
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,977
- Well isn't that what the
internet's for?
234
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,211
To learn new things?
235
00:09:39,244 --> 00:09:40,746
- Yeah, exactly.
236
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,014
It's normal to be curious,
237
00:09:42,047 --> 00:09:44,183
and we have to accept that as a
family.
238
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,051
Just like I accept you guys.
239
00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:55,728
- I cannot wait until
this is all sorted out.
240
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,130
- Okay, but 'Amanda Bynes
married?'
241
00:09:58,163 --> 00:09:59,131
Really, Dad?
242
00:09:59,164 --> 00:09:59,798
- Come on.
243
00:09:59,831 --> 00:10:01,033
- Guys, I--
244
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:35,401
- Victor Sussman
here,
245
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,236
with an update on our
search history crisis.
246
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,004
I know our viewers are eager to
hear more
247
00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:41,674
about the unfolding crisis,
so let me just say this.
248
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:42,741
We know now that hundreds,
249
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,743
maybe even thousands of people
250
00:10:44,776 --> 00:10:47,079
searched for 'safe to shave ass
hair.'
251
00:10:47,112 --> 00:10:48,781
Not just me, okay?
252
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,150
And when you consider it is,
in fact, that many people,
253
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:53,852
really, and frankly, it's weird
if you think that I'm weird!
254
00:10:53,885 --> 00:10:55,954
So, let's just keep that in
mind, okay?
255
00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:57,222
We will get through this crisis,
256
00:10:57,255 --> 00:10:59,692
and in-time, no one will even
remember
257
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:02,161
that I searched for
'penis stuck in printer,'
258
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,396
and they will stop asking
me questions about it,
259
00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:07,700
because, okay, America,
it doesn't matter whether
260
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:10,102
if it was my penis or
somebody else's penis,
261
00:11:10,135 --> 00:11:12,171
or how that would frankly
even work in the first place.
262
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:15,074
It's not that big of a deal,
guys!
263
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:18,811
Let's just stop talking about
it, please.
264
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,112
I'm a respected professional,
265
00:11:20,145 --> 00:11:23,415
and you are tearing down my
reputation.
266
00:11:23,448 --> 00:11:26,118
Everybody searches about their
dick, guys.
18412
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
