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Later on BBC One, another format we've copied from somewhere else
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and remade in a slightly more worthy way...
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Your chance to watch other people
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reading books.
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This programme contains some strong language.
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Pamela and Peter
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are both reading Sense and Sensibility.
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SHE LAUGHS
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Oop.
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And the Coopers have decided to read
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50 Shades Of Grey together as a family.
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I say, have you got to page 45?
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- Oh, yes.
- SHE LAUGHS
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- Takes me back.
- THEY LAUGH
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God, you're so embarrassing.
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When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
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Then I grew up and did it again
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And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
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And I'll do it to the bitter end
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Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
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Tracey Ullman Show Let's do the show, let's go
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Tracey Ullman Show
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Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman
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Tracey Tracey Tracey Tracey
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Tracey Ullman Show.
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Let's go.
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- How can I help?
- Medium white Americano, please.
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- Extra shot?
- No, thank you.
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- Syrup?
- No, I'm good, thanks.
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- Soya milk?
- No. I'm actually in a bit of a hurry.
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Lady breast milk she left in shop?
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No, just a white Americano.
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- Mini ring doughnut?
- No.
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- Cinnamon shortbread?
- No.
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Giant Malteser?
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Looks like a giant Malteser but inside it's really a cake,
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but it does have some Malteser in it?
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- No.
- Sting CD?
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- No.
- Times newspaper?
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- No.
- Elvis Costello CD?
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- No.
- Fresh fish?
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What? No!
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Boiler repair two-year warranty?
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- Of course not.
- Prize-winning novel about a sad lady?
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I just want my coffee. Can I have it now, please?
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Certainly. One white Americano,
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no prize-winning novel about a sad lady,
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no boiler repair, no fresh fish, no Elvis Costello CD,
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no Times newspaper, no Sting CD,
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no giant Malteser that isn't really a Malteser,
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no cinnamon shortbread, no mini ring doughnut, no breast milk,
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no soya milk, no syrup, no extra shot.
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Oh, she's gone.
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Rude lady.
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Charles, it's Camilla.
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Yah, I won't be long, sexy bum.
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I've got to get a frock to wear to the big banquet.
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You know, the old bloody whats-his-name,
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Johnny foreigner chappie,
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the one your dad offended.
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No, the other one.
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No, the other one.
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Oh, buggeration!
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The mare's just had a refusal at the water jump.
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Gee up, girl! What's the matter with you?
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ALARM BLARES
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Stop whinnying, you bally thing!
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Look, I've got to go.
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Ohh!
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- You need any help?
- No, no, no.
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I think it's best just to put it out of its misery.
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GUNSHOT
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- There. That should do it.
- ALARM SLOWS AND STOPS
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Which way is Knightsbridge? I think I'll walk.
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Well, it's about 30 miles that way, I think.
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Oh, for fuck...
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Oh, they'll sell frocks.
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Bloody brilliant.
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Oh, bloody hell!
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Hi, can I help you?
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I'd say. Padded bally jackets for £9.99.
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- I'll take one of those.
- What size are you?
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I'm about 16 hands.
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I'm rather wide in the withers.
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Right. Um... So, one of these?
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I'll take the whole rack.
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And, oh, a box of those animal-print jodhpurs.
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- Oh, these?
- Yeah.
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These are actually leggings.
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You say organic potato, I say organic potata.
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- And is there anything else I can help you with?
- I need a ball gown.
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Something quite long.
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I don't want to show the whole flower show.
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Um... We don't really have ballgowns.
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Oh! Sold out? I knew I'd left it too late.
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Oh! What about one of those sodding sashes that always get stuck between
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your boobs? I hate these.
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Whenever you go to take a wazz, the dangly bit always dips in the lavvy.
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Oh, well, I shall just these with my wellies.
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I mean, what does "Formal" really mean, anyway?
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How many mother-in-laws is that?
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Oh, that'll be £84, please.
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So that's four big mother-in-laws...
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- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- and one little mother-in-law.
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Thank you.
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Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?
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Yeah. We do, yeah.
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Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.
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Right,...
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- Susie...
- Is it true?
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- Is what true?
- Don't bullshit me, Jeff.
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All right, it's true.
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For God's sake, I've had the ten o'clock slot
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since Tony Blair got in.
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It's not a demotion.
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We just think you'd be more suited to a lower-profile daytime slot.
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But Nicole isn't even a news person.
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She's good at her job.
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Yeah, and she's 20 years younger than me.
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- It's not about age.
- Then what is it about?
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Well...
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You keep bringing your cats in.
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- My cats?
- Yes.
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It was all right when it was just Trixie,
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but there are eight or nine of them now.
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Well, Huw Edwards brings his dog in.
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One dog. And he keeps it in his dressing room.
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It doesn't stop me doing my job.
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Let me show you something.
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This is you from last night.
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ON SCREEN: Police are still searching for two men
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believed to be responsible for Thursday's daring
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Bond Street jewellery robbery.
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SHE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS
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Forest fires continued to rage in California, the National Guard...
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You're a very handsome boy.
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Yes, you are. Oooh. There's a handsome boy.
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Say hello to the viewers. Off you go, now.
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Riots on the streets of Athens.
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Scores of protesters are injured...
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BABY TALK: Yes, they are!
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Yes, they are.
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You see the problem?
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Yes.
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But when was the last time you saw a mouse around here?
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Fair point.
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Listen to that rain, Mother.
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It's been bucketing down all morning.
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What's this one called?
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Was it Storm Jo, Storm Jeffrey?
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Storm Julian?
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People nowadays don't know what a storm is.
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That's just a wet wind.
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Oh, Mother, look...
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the house is flooding.
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Oh, we've got to get out of here.
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Hop on, Mother, I'll give you a piggyback to the door.
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- Come on.
- It's just a bit of water.
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I want to watch the end of Cash In The Attic.
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Well, all right, Mother.
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Ahhh!
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Ooh! That's all your fault.
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I told you not to change our electricity supplier.
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Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel.
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I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie...
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only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.
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I wish to thank my sponsors,
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without whose money I most certainly wouldn't be doing this.
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So, if you skipped over their adverts,
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go back at once and buy yourself a walk-in bath.
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Today, I will present a "What's In The Bag?" video.
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There are many thousands of these on the internet, and for research,
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I watched exactly none of them.
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Why would you want to nose into a bag unless you were a security guard
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or a horse?
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Still, times change,
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and I must join the hideous freak show
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that is the modern age.
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Firstly, we find...
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Julian Fellowes' telephone number.
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Well, I shan't be needing that again.
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And, oh, this is a stunt poo from The Lady In The Van.
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At least I hope it's a stunt poo.
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Oh, my goodness!
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I had no idea that was in there.
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Oh, and there's a little BAFTA nestling down there.
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And, oh, what's this?
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Oh, my Rear Of The Year award, 1958.
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And... Oh...
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This is either a Tic Tac
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or one of Henry Fonda's hallucinogens.
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It's a Tic Tac, more's the pity.
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Now... Oh, this is something I shall always treasure.
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Some advice sent to me by Elizabeth Taylor
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when I was a young actress.
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"Stay away from Richard Burton, you skinny bitch."
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Advice I certainly heeded...
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most of the time.
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Elaine, I've just had an amazing thought,
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and I'm not being self-obsessed or nothing,
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but how about a movie made about my life?
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Pam Garrity, Northern Powerhouse.
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One woman's rise from the arse end of nowhere
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- to the cream of the frigging crop.
- I can see thingy playing you.
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- Who?
- Jennifer Lawrence.
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What part of America is she from?
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- The north, I think.
- Love that bitch.
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Get on to her people. Tell her to start practising her Scouse accent.
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- Is my two o'clock here?
- Yeah. - Who is it again?
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- Your son, Larry.
- Oh, my God!
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How could I forget? My Larry. Oh, I love my Larry!
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Call me psychic, Elaine, but I knew that lad was gay in the womb.
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And do you know what? I was made up for meself cos I love the gays.
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I was weaned on queenery.
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I spent half me life dancing backwards in gay clubs
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to Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Yeah.
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Cut me and I bleed Relax.
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Show him in.
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Larry, your mum.
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- Hiya, Mam.
- Oh, look at him!
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Isn't he gorgeous? He's gorgeous, isn't he, Elaine?
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And you can't shag him cos he's a gay.
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Give me a hug, you massive bender.
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Listen, Mam. I've got some news.
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I've met someone.
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And he's asked me to marry him and I want you to meet him.
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Ooh.
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My first gay wedding!
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Oh! What's his name?
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- Tom.
- Oh, that's a great northern name, isn't it?
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I'm going to go and get him. Tom!
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Oh, Elaine! Elaine!
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Book me Castle Howard for a month.
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This lad's going to get spliced in style.
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We'll get the set of Coronation Street and get Oasis back together,
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cos they can play at the reception.
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We could get Mel B to sing.
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No, forget that. Mel B gets on me tits.
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- Here he is, Mam.
- Oh, come here.
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We're just planning your wedding, lad.
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Elaine, we can do food stations.
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We'll have organic mushy peas and a hotpot fountain.
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Say hello to your mother-in-law.
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Oh, my God! He's gorgeous!
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You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.
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Say that again, slower.
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You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.
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Get out of my office,
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you soft southern shite!
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And you...
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You dirty git!
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You disgust me!
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- But I love him, Mam.
- Are you intent on bringing shame to this family?
254
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To the name Garrity?
255
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,920
You might as well have taken a dagger and shoved it in my heart, lad!
256
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:13,520
- Mam...
- If you marry that c-c-c-ockney knobhead,
257
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,280
you can consider yourself cut from my will.
258
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,760
Now, get out! I can't bear to look at you!
259
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,600
Elaine,
260
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,400
get me Saturday Night Sunday Morning on YouTube.
261
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,040
Consider it dialysis.
262
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,760
- Where's your mother now?
- She's up in the attic.
263
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,080
I'm not going!
264
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,200
She says it's a load a fuss about nothing.
265
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,480
You see, there's a mark on our wall from the 1954 flood,
266
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,720
and it's not up there yet, so she says were staying put.
267
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:49,720
Just out of interest, if you were to save us, how would you do it?
268
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:53,120
I'd lift you through this window and into my boat.
269
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,280
Through this window? You'd lift me?!
270
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,760
Yes.
271
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,200
I think you'd find that tricky. I'm very pear shaped.
272
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,040
Mother calls me a Heffalump.
273
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,200
She says I've got a very wide pubic bone.
274
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,520
We're taking everyone down to the community centre,
275
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,200
there's blankets down there, and tea.
276
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,000
Oh, that sounds lovely.
277
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,440
Will there be sandwiches?
278
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,280
- Yes, I think so.
- And maybe a singsong?
279
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,920
I'm sure you could start one.
280
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,400
SHE LAUGHS
281
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,480
Oh, well, in that case...
282
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,840
Tell the man to go away.
283
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,680
Oh...
284
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,800
- I'm sorry, eh...
- Dan.
285
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,360
Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
286
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,240
Look, we'll keep an eye on the situation.
287
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,600
If the water levels get too high, we'll be back.
288
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,360
Right. Right. Yes. Save me some sandwiches.
289
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:37,680
All right.
290
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,080
Oh, be careful of Mother's runner beans.
291
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,480
- 'Sup, Hassan?
- Yo.
292
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,160
They're back.
293
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,000
HE RAPS: You were warned And here they are
294
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,400
It's the arrival of the dread death star
295
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,960
It's doom for us No room for doubt
296
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,280
Posh people moving in And moving us out
297
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:03,640
HIPHOP BACKING TRACK
298
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,960
Hello, guys, I'm Kate and I work in planning
299
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,040
I'll get straight to the point - we've got a really good plan in
300
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,240
We're so excited about this community
301
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,760
We want to preserve its dynamic diversity
302
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,920
We want to communicate and integrate
303
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,600
Integrate? You mean segregate, Kate
304
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,760
Whoa, man You don't like our plan?
305
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,400
Damn your plan and I ain't your man
306
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,400
Would you like to rap challenge me?
307
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,000
I listened to Grandmaster Flash at university
308
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,680
Hush now, honey Go play with your money
309
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,160
Dr Dre and Eminem, I'm down, I'm hip with all of them.
310
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,280
- BOTH:
- Oooh!
311
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,560
So, listen up, fool name a subject for this rap duel
312
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:40,920
The ten signs of gentrification
313
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:41,960
Drop the beat
314
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,840
HIP-HOP BEAT AND SCRATCHING
315
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,120
Number one
316
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,240
Coffee shops on every corner, damn it, man, it sucks
317
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,280
Costa, Nero, costs so dear full of star schmucks
318
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,560
- Two.
- Everybody moans "More homes for the city,"
319
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,000
Be glad, not sad we're making them pretty
320
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,320
We're going to build them good,
321
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,520
We're going to build them tall
322
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,200
- Three.
- That's right three will be affordable
323
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,600
- Four.
- My brother lost his chicken shop, they took away his lease
324
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,200
Great! Fewer children who are morbidly obese
325
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,480
Drowning in grease like your niece
326
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,880
Processed meat-eaters meet type II diabetes
327
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,960
Pop-up food stalls with a posh name
328
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,440
Overpriced burgers which all taste the same
329
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,240
Food will be good in the neighbourhood
330
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,800
Foodies instead of hoodies
331
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,200
Sourdough pizza meets a craft beer, gastropubs, bistros
332
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,400
Round the corner, Waitrose
333
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,720
Stop, wait a minute
334
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,360
It gets worse for the nurses with all the stresses
335
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,520
Working in the messes of the NHSes
336
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,760
They're moving us out and we won't we won't be back
337
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,000
Good luck when you get that heart attack
338
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,080
- Number five.
- The people who clean-up and mop up your shit
339
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,080
Have to move out cos they can't afford it
340
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,680
- Six.
- No more scary dogs chewing up babies faces
341
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,520
Labradoodle poodles doing doo-doo in nice places
342
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,760
- Seven.
- Yummy mummies working on their mummy tummies
343
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,800
Spinning and grinning and getting thin in Pilates
344
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,520
- Eight.
- Shops too expensive to hop and shop and drop in
345
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,960
- Nine.
- Great new bars to pop and flop and bop in
346
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,360
- Great for the rich
- Great for the tourist
347
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,240
Man, it's a bitch if you happen to be the poorest
348
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,840
- Number ten.
- Number ten?
349
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,120
The tube
350
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,320
- SINGS:
- The tube
351
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,960
There could be a freaking tube!
352
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,200
Just do
353
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,480
Just think
354
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,200
Crossrail, Citylink
355
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,840
Give me my chance to be in the right spot
356
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,920
A tube'll make the neighbourhood hot, hot, hot!
357
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,240
A tube would be cool.
358
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,400
Nonzo!
359
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,840
THEY SING: Gentrifying
360
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,080
Can't pay the rent you're cryin'
361
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,120
Gotta move to Brent you're sighin'
362
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,400
And what about my Brenda also meant to die?
363
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,680
Wake up, wise up see where this leads
364
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,520
The needy man bleeds while the greedy man feeds
365
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,560
And moves everyone to Leeds
366
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:41,600
I'm glad we got to integrate and communicate, cos next week
367
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,400
We're going to detonate
368
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,720
Be sure to get out and get a good view
369
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,120
This place is blowing up with or without you.
370
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:05,360
I've had a lucky life, but there's something I really regret.
371
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,480
Oh, Mum, there's nothing to regret.
372
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,880
I really wish I'd taken more pictures of my lunch
373
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,120
and put them online.
374
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,560
Chicken and chips, take a picture, put it online.
375
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,920
Tuna salad, take a picture, put it online.
376
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,720
Packet of crisps and an apple,
377
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,880
take a picture, put it online.
378
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,200
I...I always thought there'd be another day to show people
379
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,240
what I was about to eat.
380
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,800
Oh, Mum.
381
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,320
Don't let it be too late for you.
382
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,080
Get my purse. Look...
383
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,520
Go down to the canteen,
384
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,680
get yourself a piece of quiche and stick it on Tumblr,
385
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,800
because tomorrow might never come.
386
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,080
It won't be long now.
387
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,280
'Gram it, Sal.
388
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,520
Is that one of mine?
389
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:07,760
What, this?
390
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,880
No, no, no. The book. Is that one of mine?
391
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,920
Who are you?
392
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,320
Germaine Greer.
393
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,400
Feminist icon and former lover of Frederico Fellini.
394
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,040
I practically invented sex.
395
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,840
Why are you looking at me like that?
396
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,480
Have you never seen nipples on a woman's hips before?
397
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,120
You should be thanking me, you know.
398
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,320
I was a clitoral pioneer.
399
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,480
Nobody was talking about them in Melbourne before I came along.
400
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,160
Ditto vaginas.
401
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,880
That's right, sir.
402
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,040
I said vaginas.
403
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,680
It's Latin, meaning scabbard or sheath.
404
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,040
Did you know that?
405
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,440
Sorry, can you not invade my space?
406
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,200
Oh, when did students get so intolerant?!
407
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,320
In my world, you can say anything you want.
408
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,360
I told the Australian PM she had a fat arse once,
409
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,160
and nobody batted an eyelid.
410
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,400
Well, they did, but I meant it n a nice way.
411
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,480
- Yeah, I actually find that really offensive.
- Good. Good!
412
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,720
Get angry!
413
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:05,640
Somebody needs to, now that I've been silenced by the media.
414
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,320
They called me a radical when I was young,
415
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,080
but you're not allowed to be controversial
416
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,120
once your areolas head south.
417
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,920
I'm intellectually homeless.
418
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,320
Can't even get a seat on BBC Four.
419
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,800
And all because I'm old.
420
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,320
There's no other possible explanation.
421
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,200
Minister, I'm going to have to ask the question again,
422
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,400
and I'm going to keep on asking it until I get an answer.
423
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,960
Have you ever held shares in an offshore company?
424
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,400
- CAT MEOWS
- Yes, all right, I did. I did.
425
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,640
I did. Can you get off me, please?
426
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,800
I'm actually allergic.
427
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,200
Kay?
428
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:49,920
Kay?
429
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,320
Kay?!
430
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,120
I'm coming, mother!
431
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,960
Oh! I found some groceries floating around down there.
432
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,680
I managed to rescue the Branston and some golden breadcrumbs.
433
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,160
Did you get my biscuits?
434
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,680
Yes, I got your biscuits.
435
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,640
There's quite a riptide down there by the washing machine.
436
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,200
People do seem to be leaving, Mother.
437
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,880
They're all getting in canoes and paddling away.
438
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,000
Babies.
439
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,880
A lot of fuss about nothing.
440
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,480
It's just a bit of damp.
441
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,960
You brought the wrong biscuits.
442
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,920
I want the Garibaldis.
443
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,080
But they're in the pantry.
444
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,440
It's like the Poseidon Adventure down there, Mum.
445
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,720
I'll have to free-dive for them.
446
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,680
I want the Garibaldis.
447
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,280
Let me take something to help me breathe.
448
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,480
Let me know if you need any help.
449
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,680
I'm just after a card for our Shirley.
450
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,120
Oh, lovely.
451
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,360
Well, they're all in sections.
452
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:03,120
There's cheeky over there, then you get crude, and there's adult,
453
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:07,400
and then there's obscene and here's downright offensive.
454
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,120
I'm actually just after a birthday card.
455
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,320
Oh, they're all birthday cards.
456
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,560
So, what's she like?
457
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,560
Does she drink too much Prosecco?
458
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,200
Does she eat too much cake?
459
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,760
Does she like getting bummed?
460
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,800
- I'm not sure she really does, really.
- Oh.
461
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,120
Well, a lot of people seem to,
462
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,720
cos they make an awful lot of cards about that.
463
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,160
Do you not have any cards that just have pictures of animals or birds?
464
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,880
Yes, yes, we do.
465
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,840
Er, there's this one here.
466
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,360
Oh, lovely!
467
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,120
"I got you a hairy pussy."
468
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,320
And this one.
469
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,360
"You're a tit"?
470
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,760
Er...
471
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,680
It does say "You're a tit", yeah.
472
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,440
She's not your sister, is she? Cos these are very popular.
473
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,840
"You may be my sister, but you're still a bitch."
474
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,040
No, she's just a neighbour.
475
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,640
Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?
476
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:01,840
Oh! Is that a "Keep Calm And Carry On" range?
477
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,280
That's a World War II slogan, isn't it?
478
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,520
Maybe this'd be more appropriate.
479
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,640
"Keep calm and carry on drinking."
480
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,640
"Keep calm and carry on shagging."
481
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,640
"Keep calm and..." Oh.
482
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,720
Do you not have any cards at all that aren't rude?
483
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,000
No, they're mostly the funny ones.
484
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,800
But we do have this range.
485
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,000
They're made by a woman in the village and they're on brown card,
486
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,720
so you know they're classy.
487
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,800
And she's stuck pieces of paper on them
488
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,160
to make flowers and butterflies.
489
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:30,800
Oh, that's pretty.
490
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,560
How much is that?
491
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:33,720
£7.50.
492
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,960
Maybe Shirley does like being bummed.
493
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,080
AMOROUS NOISES
494
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,400
Oh!
495
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:47,560
Ooh, that is good!
496
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:50,880
Oh!
497
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:53,400
Right, bedtime.
498
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,840
What, what? No, no.
499
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,240
Oh, no.
500
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,840
Oh, your father was just looking for his keys.
501
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,480
Oh, you can't go!
502
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,240
Movie night's for all my new family.
503
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:10,240
Mick refused to buy a colour TV, so this is such a treat for me, y'all.
504
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,680
Sit down or you're out of the will.
505
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,920
Right, so, what shall we watch?
506
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:19,600
Let's watch Tim Burton's Batman.
507
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,400
I did my acting in that film.
508
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,360
We're watching Crocodile Dundee.
509
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:25,720
We watched that last week!
510
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,880
So? You got a problem with that?
511
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,560
- No, no, no.
- I love Crocodile Dundee.
512
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,440
Yes, let's watch Crocodile Dundee. It's my favourite film.
513
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,600
Paul Hogan is the greatest actor in the world.
514
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,320
OK. Well, fire up the Blu-ray.
515
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,080
Jerry, er...
516
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,640
do you want some popcorn?
517
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,400
Oh, no. Not for me, sweetie.
518
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,480
Go on, Jerry.
519
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,200
- Have some popcorn.
- No, I'm fine.
520
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,120
I'm watching my figure.
521
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,400
I'll watch it for you!
522
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:53,560
Ha, boom-boom!
523
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,920
Jerry, I really think you should try the popcorn.
524
00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,240
I really don't want any.
525
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,400
I'll try the popcorn.
526
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,480
No, no!
527
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,000
Agh! Oh, God!
528
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,600
- You're not supposed to try the popcorn!
- Oh, Dad! - That's gross!
529
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,720
Rupert, what is wrong with you?
530
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,080
Can't a man hide his pecker in his own popcorn once in a while
531
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,720
without getting grief about it?
532
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,160
I'm never eating popcorn again!
533
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,120
Can you imagine them all in that community centre now, Mum?
534
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:29,440
With the sandwiches and the singing?
535
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,040
We could have wowed them with our new thermos.
536
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,240
I'm cold.
537
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,880
I think we've got a roll of old lagging up here somewhere.
538
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,480
We could wrap ourselves in that.
539
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,520
Look at all this junk.
540
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,960
We might find some cash in our attic, Mother.
541
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,280
Oh, dear.
542
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:48,360
What's all this?
543
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,800
It's a postcard.
544
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:52,840
To me.
545
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,440
"Could I have the honour of accompanying you to the cinema
546
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,960
"this Saturday to see Doctor Zhivago?"
547
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,360
Oh, it's from a man, inviting me to the pictures.
548
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,600
Oh, this is 1965.
549
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,880
I suppose I've missed that now.
550
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,720
I don't know how that got there.
551
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,960
What else is up here, mother?
552
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,080
Nothing.
553
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,120
KNOCKING
554
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,440
I'm afraid we're going to have to evacuate you, ladies.
555
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,160
Oh, it's Dan. That's Dan.
556
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,360
Hello, Dan. How did you get up there?
557
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:28,080
He's like Spider-Man, Mum, shimmying up the side of buildings.
558
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,280
Tell him to keep his sticky substances to himself.
559
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,200
Right, you're not safe, OK?
560
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,720
We're going to have to get you out.
561
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,400
Here we go.
562
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:38,840
Here you go, Mum.
563
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,920
You'll need a sturdier ladder than that for her.
564
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,000
Will you be staying the night in the community centre as well, Dan?
565
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,080
Because I expect we should all have to huddle close for warmth.
566
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,320
I must warn you, I've got very cold feet.
567
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,480
Mother says it's like sleeping next to an iceberg.
568
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,160
Oh! Ooh, Dan!
569
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,200
"Darling, Kay, will you marry me?"
570
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,400
"Dear, Kay Clark, I'm pleased to offer you a place..."
571
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,360
"...very pleased to offer you the position of customer service advisor...
572
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,560
"We're all going to France and we'd love you to come..."
573
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,680
"Dear, Kay, why haven't you replied to my letters?"
574
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:24,000
It's an honour to present the award for Best British Newcomer,
575
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,800
but before I do, I just want to say that our industry must be open
576
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,000
to all voices and backgrounds, not just the elite.
577
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,600
How are we going to hear working-class stories
578
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,160
if there are no working-class actors?
579
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,560
Thank you. Thank you.
580
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,440
And the nominees for Best British Newcomer are...
581
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,280
Henry Osmond Wells
582
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:48,720
for Gay Cambridge Spies.
583
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:54,120
Lucia Wentworth
584
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,440
for Thin Woman In A Floaty Dress.
585
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,120
Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckinghamshire,
586
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,760
for Help, I'm A Disabled Oxford Boffin.
587
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,440
And finally, Terry Marsh
588
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,160
for Council Estate Jack-Up.
589
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,320
And the winner is...
590
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,960
Terry Marsh, Council Estate Jack-Up!
591
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:28,800
Yay! Yay!
592
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:32,400
Oh!
593
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,320
Well done, Tel!
594
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,480
Job well done, mate!
595
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:38,800
Thanks.
596
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,320
I'm gobsmacked. I mean, I just...
597
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,080
Hang on...
598
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:44,480
This ain't my name.
599
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,360
Just take the award, Terry, take the award.
600
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:50,000
This says Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckingham.
601
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,960
Oh, you cocked it up, mate!
602
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:56,080
Roz, it don't matter who the actor is or where he's from.
603
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,880
Look, what matters is the quality of the work.
604
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,640
Hugo, get up here.
605
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:03,760
Woohoo!
606
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:04,840
That's yours, mate.
607
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,360
Woo! OMG!
608
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:10,560
Never thought I'd win this tonight, but, erm, just because an actor
609
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,480
comes from what some people might call a privileged background,
610
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:17,680
doesn't mean that he hasn't had to fight for every inch of his career.
611
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,440
It isn't easy trying to act when the bank is calling
612
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,600
you every day, asking you to run its futures division.
613
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:26,880
Or choosing whether to rehearse or
614
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,160
go on a skiing holiday with some really great guys.
615
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,080
So this is for all those who believe in art
616
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,800
and for everyone who wants to bring back fox hunting.
617
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:37,160
Yeah, fox hunting!
618
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,440
Right, leg it, Tel! Leg it!
619
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:49,880
Yeah, up the fucking workers!
620
00:28:49,930 --> 00:28:54,480
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