All language subtitles for Two.and.a.Half.Men.S12E01.720p.The.Ol.Mexican.Spinach[HDTV][KoTuWa].English.HI

English Subtitles (HI)
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E01 (720p) The Ol' Mexican Spinach [HDTV] [KoTuWa]

Alan.

Hurry up.

The girls are almost here,
and I'm a...

♪ Hunka hunka rotting love. ♪

ALAN: Sorry, just
finishing up my costume.

Who the hell are
you supposed to be?

You never saw Pretty in Pink?

Oh, right!
You're Molly Ringwald.

Ha-ha. I-I'm Duckie.

You know, the-the best friend,
the-the scene stealer?

Some would say
the true star of the film.

Who played him, Boy George?
(chuckles)

Hey, what do you think
about zombie Elvis, baby?

And don't be cruel.

It's great.

You look like both
the impersonator at my wedding

and my ex-wife.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

What decays in Vegas
stays in Vegas.

Oh, hey, uh, did your
friend Stacy say anything

bout the girl she's
bringing for me?

Uh, just that she's supposed
to be really cute,

and she just moved out here
after a tough breakup.

Ooh, hot, lonely
and damaged.

Duckie's getting lucky.

You know, if Duckie
really wants to get lucky,

he'll tell the girls that he's
someone that people remember.

Like Ferris Bueller.

Fine, you win again, Broderick.

God, you know what
I love about Halloween?

You can put “slutty”
in front of any job position,

and it becomes a costume.

Slutty nurse, slutty librarian,
slutty lunch lady.

(groans)

Hey, you didn't know
Mrs. Goobadeck

from Mark Twain Elementary.

She rocked that hairnet.

(groaning):
My chest.

Seriously?
W-What's going on?

I don't know, I can't breathe,
my chest is tight.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Here, here. Sit down.

Um... Oh. Uh, well,
uh, don't worry.

I-I'm sure this is
nothing, but, uh...

I'm going to call an ambulance,
just in case.

Just, uh, just stay calm.

You're gonna be fine.

(whispering):
Help! My friend is dying!

I can't settle down, I think
he's having a heart attack.

Oh, my God, I'm having
a heart attack.

Oh. No, no.

I-I'm just saying that
to get them to hurry.

I'm not just saying that.

I think he's headed
toward the light.

(door bell rings)

I can't feel my left arm.

Um, uh, you're gonna be okay.

It's probably just gas.
Try to fart!

Trick...

Or treat.

Oh, ladies. I'm sorry, you just
got here during a bit of a...

Ooh, I can see
your nipples, officer.

Anything you see will
be held against you.

And I'm Harry Potter.

But I'm not so hairy.

She's mine.

(groans)

(farts)

Didn't work!

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x01 ♪
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
Original Air Date: 2014-10-30

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man

(siren wailing)

Don't worry, we're
almost to the hospital.

Sir, are you taking
any medications?

Well, I take a generic Lipitor
and a women's multi-vitamin.

I mean, just so you know,
I take the women's

'cause it has more iron.

Same price, more iron.

Yes, please.

Is he gonna be okay?

We're doing
all we can, sir.

I can't believe this is
happening, you know?

He's so young!

He leads such
a healthy lifestyle...

Well, except for all the pot.

You know, the-the weed.

The... the ganja.

The ol' Mexican spinach.

Alan, if I live,
I'm going to kill you.

Stop it. You are gonna live.

(chuckles)

Is he gonna live?

We're en route
with a 35-year-old male.

BP is 160/94, pulse is 108.

And he's dressed
as zombie Elvis, over!

I-I don't know if you guys
need to know that.

They don't.

By the way, uh,
I'm dressed as...

Ferris Bueller?

(laughs)

Hey, hey, at least I took
a chance with my costume.

I mean, Elvis and zombies.

It's real original.

Next year, it's vampire Obama.

(Transylvanian accent):
“Yes, we can!”

Excuse me, do you have
anything for the pain?

In my ass?

I know, I know.

I'm just... I'm freaking out
because I'm worried.

I mean, you are my best friend.

And if something were
to happen to you,

I don't know what I would do.

I mean, I-I've already
lost a brother.

I can't lose
you, too!

A-And you're more
of a brother than he was.

And now Jake's in the Army,
and I'm all alone.

And I don't do well
when I'm alone...

Here, breathe.

Thank you.

Am I crazy, or is, uh,
something happening here?

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, good, uh, you made it.

Uh... Oh, I-I'm sorry I pulled
you out of your Halloween party,

I just figured you'd want to...

I wasn't at a Halloween party.

I-I just assumed,
since you're dressed...

So what happened?

I don't know.

We were about to go out,

and he got chest pains
and suddenly collapsed.

Oh, wow.

He's so young.

So fit.

So not you.

Hope he's okay.

I never thought I'd have a boss
better than your brother,

but Walden is good people.

He's the best.

The guy has the biggest heart
of anyone I have ever met.

Yep, a heart of gold.

Clogged with arterial plaque.

You've been a good
friend to Walden.

He's lucky
to have you.

He's lucky to have you,
too, Sister Berta.

And, listen, um...

if, God forbid,
the worst happens,

I-I just want you
to know that, uh...

you'll always have
a job at the house.

I mean, we'd have to talk
reduced salaries, but, uh...

What makes you think
he'd leave you the house?

I'm his best friend.

There's nobody closer
to him than me.

I clean his underwear.

I wear his underwear.

(laughs)

Alan Harper?

Oh, oh, that's me.

I'm Dr. Prajneep.

Your friend had a
mild heart attack.

We put in a stent to
clear the blockage.

Is that bad?

In general,

a heart attack is bad.

But, uh, he should
make a full recovery.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, that is
a huge relief.

Um, is there anything
we should do at home?

I just want to make sure
he has all the care he needs.

Uh, any special diet,
exercises, medications?

If it'd help,

I'd chew up his food and
feed him like a baby bird.

How could that
possibly help?

I'll tell you what
doesn't help... that tone.

Can we see him?

Soon as he's
in recovery.

Any other questions?

Uh, no, we're just happy
that he's gonna be okay.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

By the way, Ferris Bueller
is my favorite movie.

Wait, B-Berta.
W-Where are you going?

We're not supposed
to go back there yet.

I'm a nun at a hospital.

I can do whatever
the hell I want.

I'm dead.

And I'm in hell.

Relax.

You're in the hospital.

You had a mild heart attack,
but you're gonna be fine.

I don't feel very good.

That's because they put
a stent in your heart.

But also I feel really good.

That's because they put morphine
in your veins.

We should start keeping morphine
in the house.

I know a guy.

Berta, you're so funny.

I would've missed you so much
if I would've died.

Oh, oh, but you don't
have to worry about that.

Y-You're not going anywhere.

I love you guys.

We love you, too.

You know, when I think about it,

you guys are
my only real family.

Oh, Walden, that's so...

Horrible.

Okay.

Saved your life, but whatever.

My life is pathetic.

I mean, thank you guys so much
for being here.

But you're not good enough!

Okay, now it sounds
like my family.

Um...

Maybe you should rest.

You know, just go
to your happy place.

I know a shortcut.

Say when.

Whe...

(squeals)

Dressed as a nun,
giving some guy morphine...

boy, does this take me
back to high school.

Hey, how you feeling?

I'm all right.

Well, uh, I know

something that'll
make you feel better.

I made some of my famous
three bean salad.

The secret...

(whispers):
I use four beans.

Garbanzo.

Shh.

You ever look out at the ocean

and think about how small
and insignificant you are?

I don't need the ocean;
I can just call my mother.

I almost died, Alan.

But the important thing is
you didn't.

So, now you just have
to listen to your doctors,

don't stress about anything
and relax.

(shrill laughing)
(screams)

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

That was supposed to scare the
life out of trick-or-treaters,

not you.

This sucks!

How am I the one
with a stent in my heart?

I'm healthy, I-I'm fit.

You sit in front
of the TV every night,

shoveling a pint of ice cream
down your throat.

Hey, I eat my feelings,

and you are sending me
right back to the freezer.

You know, it just goes to show,

your life can end
in the blink of an eye.

One day you're here,
the next day you're gone.

That's why I live
by the philosophy.

“One day I'm here,
the next day I'm still here.”

You know, if-if I would have
died, who would have missed me?

What are you talking about?
I would, Berta would.

A-And you just got an e-mail
from Netflix the other day

that literally said,
“We miss you.”

You know, other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.

At least you got Jake.

Well, that's true.

I'll always have
my little guy.

Although, in his last e-mail,

he, uh, asked me when the
Fourth of July was this year.

But, yes, I'm very lucky.

Do you know how much
I would give to have a kid

who didn't understand
the concept of a calendar?

All I have is money.

Yeah.

'Cause I wouldn't give up Jake
for a billion dollars.

I got to make some changes.

Changes are good.

Uh, you know,
I remember when I switched

from American Idol to The Voice.

My life turned around

like Blake Shelton's chair.

You know what?

I want to have a kid of my own.

What?

Yeah, I want something
to give my life meaning.

I want somebody
I can love unconditionally.

Someone I can teach,
someone I can nurture,

someone I can leave
all this to.

Well...

I mean, I don't know
what to say, except...

Papa?

♪ Men. ♪

Have you thought
this through?

Having a kid
is a lot of work.

Having you is
a lot of work.

You know, having a child
would give my life meaning.

Otherwise, all this
has been for nothing,

and that's difficult
to accept.

You know
what's difficult?

Removing a marble
your kid shoved up his nose.

I did something like that.

I jammed a penny up there.

I was trying to get a gumball
to fall out of my butt.

But a kid
is permanent.

It's not like you're dating.

You can't just stop calling
or change your number

or fake your own death
because they annoy you.

You do that to women?

No, they do it to me.

Look, I-I'm sorry if it feels
like I'm being negative,

because the truth is,
you know, kids are amazing.

But you just had
this big health scare,

and you're probably not
in the best frame of mind

to make life decisions.

I mean, this morning,
you cried at a beer commercial.

Yeah, but the horse and
the puppy were best friends!

Look,

having a heart attack
didn't make me realize

I want to have a kid,
it made me realize

I don't want to live
another day without one.

It was like a wake-up call.

All right.

If you really want to do this,
I will be here to support you.

From my room.

Which, FYI, is way too drafty
to use as a nursery.

Don't worry.
You're not going anywhere.

Sweet! Let's get that kid!

So, uh, who's the lucky lady

who's gonna receive your seed?

See, you just put
your creepy little finger

right on the problem.

I haven't exactly been
successful in love.

It's like I'm running JavaScript
and women are running HTML5.

Talking like that is part
of the problem, isn't it?

Yeah.

And it's weird, because
your package is perfect.

And... and by “package,”
I don't mean your package,

I mean your...
package.

Although, that is also
a showstopper.

Okay, I can't believe that
this is not the first time

I've said this, but stop
looking at my penis.

Well, now that
you've mentioned it,

I can't stop looking.

It's like the elephant's trunk
in the room.

Don't worry,
you'll-you'll find somebody.

And, you know,
it goes without saying

that if I could, I would
happily bear you a child.

Okay, I wish all of this
had gone without saying.

You doing okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

He wants to have a kid.
Now all he needs is a woman.

Would you consider
a pregnant stripper?

Uh, no.

Well, that rules out
both my granddaughters.

Morning. Did you
take your pills?

Yep.

Are you lying to me
or are you lying to yourself?

(rattling)

They're too big.
It's hard to swallow.

If you say
“that's what she said,”

I will kill you.

You know what she said?

“Take your pills.
I care about you.”

Fine.

Do you know how long
it takes to get a baby?

Well, I know it takes, uh,
five months of mood swings

and four months of not
wanting to be touched.

And who knows what my ex-wife
was going through.

I was just
researching surrogacy,

and they say that once
you choose a great candidate,

it can take
up to three years

before you have
a baby in your arm.

I can't wait that long.

I mean, who knows if I'll even
still want a kid by then?

Tell me about it.

Six months into Jake's life,
I was like, “Check, please!”

I was kidding.

As was I.

Okay.

I've narrowed down my options
to either adoption

or seeing if
Brad and Angelina

have an extra one
they could throw me.

Uh, you know, if you really
want to adopt...

For the last time, Alan,
I am not adopting you!

But, Papa...

Ah! All right.

I already reached out
to a lawyer

who specializes in adoption.

Well, you're a perfect
candidate to adopt.

I mean, you're highly educated,
you're likeable,

uh, you have a stable
home environment...

Financially secure,
no criminal record, handsome.

I-I don't... I don't think
handsome really comes into play.

Doesn't it, Alan?

No, I don't think so.

Doesn't it?

You're being ridiculous.

Am I?

I will steal you a baby.

♪ Men. ♪

So, as you can see,
finances are not an issue.

I have a lot of
extra free time,

and I know I can provide
a loving, nurturing home.

You okay?

Are you?

Seriously, do I need
to call someone?

Never mind.

What's important is that

I will coach the hell
out of the Braves.

Excuse me?

It'll be the name of
my son's tee-ball team.

Pretty Pink Ponies,
if it's a girl.

You know what,
if my son wants to play

for the Pretty Pink Ponies,
then so be it.

Tolerant.

Well, Mr. Schmidt,

you are obviously
more than qualified.

Thank you.

That said, I'd start looking

at Golden Retriever puppies,

'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.

Well, I don't understand.

You just said that
I'm more than qualified.

And you are.

But you're a single guy,

and the system is really geared
towards married couples.

That's racist.

Uh, no, it's not.

Then it's sexist.

Nope.

Well, it's some kind of “sist.”

Look, I'm not saying
it's impossible, okay?

Just that it's difficult.

You're in line behind families
that already have children,

married couples, single women...

Anyone else?

What, sweat shops? Circuses?

The Vienna Boys' Choir?

Look, I wish
I had better news, okay?

If you were married,
this would be a slam dunk.

Okay, you don't get it.

Marriage is not
an option for me.

Okay, I understand
you're frustrated...

No, what's frustrating
is that every woman I meet

runs screaming from me!

I was married before
and she left me

and I tried to commit suicide.

Don't write that down.

Why are you
writing that down?!

No, no...

Then I proposed
to two other women,

and they both shot me down.

I am incapable of maintaining

a long-term relationship
with anybody.

Now, give me a frickin' baby!

Okay.

I think we're done here.

No, we are
not done here!

I almost died wearing
a bedazzled jumpsuit

and my life
needs meaning.

Stop writing
things down!

Mmm.

Hey, how'd it go?
What kind of world...

Uh-oh.

...are we living in

where any two high school kids
with a broken condom

can screw behind
an Applebee's Dumpster,

have a baby,
give it up for adoption,

but not have it go to
an adult who is upstanding,

responsible,
and, might I add, handsome...

...simply because
every woman I meet

eventually grows to loathe me?

And because of that,
the Pretty Pink Ponies

will not have a tee-ball coach!

So it didn't go well?

(mocking):
No, it did not go well.

All right, well, uh,
first things first.

Uh, how about we get
you a little Zin

to calm your nerves?

It's just not fair.

I know, I know.

Uh, thank you.

Just because I'm single,
I'm not a fit parent?

Did they say that to you?

That's how I felt.

Apparently, the whole system

is geared towards
married couples.

And-and single guys
are not welcome.

Like a Studio City
swingers party.

Exactly.

Wait, what?

Nothing. So, uh, did you
tell her everything?

I mean, how you're successful,
you're warm, you're caring...

I told her everything.
Did you give her the smile?

Of course I gave
her the smile.

She thought I was
having a stroke.

So nothing worked?

No. Even if I hadn't been
escorted out by security,

I still don't think
they were giving me a kid.

Wow, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.

You know, it's ridiculous.

Why-why are married people
automatically better parents?

My mom was married six
times; Didn't help her.

See, and I would've been
a great dad.

I would've played
catch with him,

I would've read to him,

I would've waited
till he went to sleep

before I smoked pot.

Already got my mom beat.

But-but you shouldn't give up.

I mean, you might
still find somebody.

No, I don't want
to marry somebody

just to marry somebody.

It's got to be the right person.

Ooh, or Mila Kunis.

I get it.

That's hard to find.

(timer dings)
Oh, that's my banana bread.

I love your banana bread.

I know.

I made it hoping
we could celebrate,

but it works on
a sad tummy, too.

Oh, what would I do without you?

I hope you never have
to find out. (Chuckles)

What?

You are... always there for me.

Yeah, and-and you're always
there for me.

We're best friends.

What if we were
more than friends?

Like...

super friends?

Alan Harper,

will you marry me?

♪ Men. ♪

Are you seriously
asking me to marry you?

I can't believe
this is happening.

And I always thought Alan
would be the one on his knees.

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man