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1
00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:05,948
Feast your eyes, Margaret.
2
00:00:05,981 --> 00:00:07,583
The Shady Meadows
Wednesday Afternoon
3
00:00:07,617 --> 00:00:09,452
Wine and Cheese Half Hour.
4
00:00:09,485 --> 00:00:13,356
Well, it used to be an hour,
but I had a little incident.
5
00:00:13,389 --> 00:00:17,627
I got cheese drunk
and punched a busboy.
6
00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:19,629
Look at all
these bodacious beauties.
7
00:00:19,662 --> 00:00:21,397
Can't you just feel the heat?
8
00:00:21,431 --> 00:00:24,767
Yeah, this room is humming
with sexual energy.
9
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:29,772
Oh, wait, I think it might
be that guy's oxygen tank.
10
00:00:29,805 --> 00:00:32,542
Yeah, well, you just watch me
and Charlie work. We can't lose.
11
00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:36,879
(laughs) Actually, Hank, we can,
and we have been for months.
12
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:39,882
-Yeah, well,
the cold streak ends tonight. -Okay.
13
00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:41,384
-Here, be my wingman.
-Okay.
14
00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:43,286
Uh, how you doing, little missy?
15
00:00:43,319 --> 00:00:46,389
Are you my appendix?
'Cause I know nothing about you,
16
00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:48,624
but my gut tells me
to take you out.
17
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,697
Hank, we slept together
three years ago.
18
00:00:57,167 --> 00:00:59,469
Wait a minute, y-you thinking
about somebody else.
19
00:00:59,502 --> 00:01:01,304
Oh, no, no, it was you.
20
00:01:01,337 --> 00:01:04,774
You cried after,
a-and then you told me
21
00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:07,443
that I'd never be
as good as your ex-wife.
22
00:01:09,279 --> 00:01:11,481
That does sound like you, Hank.
(chuckles)
23
00:01:11,514 --> 00:01:14,584
Remember, after the divorce,
all that crying?
24
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,686
Marriage is complicated,
Charlie.
25
00:01:16,719 --> 00:01:20,089
Marriage is complicated!
26
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,091
Well, shake it off.
That was just a rehearsal.
27
00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:23,926
-You up, my man.
-Okay.
28
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,929
I'm going to take
a more direct approach.
29
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:30,032
Hi, I'm Charlie.
30
00:01:30,065 --> 00:01:31,834
Hello. I'm Anne.
31
00:01:31,867 --> 00:01:36,572
Uh, listen, I haven't had sex
in about five years.
32
00:01:38,408 --> 00:01:42,011
And I'm betting it's probably
double that for you.
33
00:01:44,013 --> 00:01:47,417
So what do you say
we solve each other's problems?
34
00:01:54,690 --> 00:01:56,792
God, that was hard to watch.
35
00:01:56,826 --> 00:01:59,362
(laughs)
It was funny, but it was hard.
36
00:01:59,395 --> 00:02:02,798
You guys really need
to try the online dating.
37
00:02:02,832 --> 00:02:04,234
I mean, I do very well
because, well...
38
00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:06,569
(blows raspberry)
...exhibit M.
39
00:02:06,602 --> 00:02:08,404
It's fun.
40
00:02:08,438 --> 00:02:10,373
Grindr changed my life.
41
00:02:11,607 --> 00:02:13,576
It's like Postmates,
but instead of food,
42
00:02:13,609 --> 00:02:15,411
you get a man delivered.
43
00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:19,349
My friend Wanda found
her boyfriend online,
44
00:02:19,382 --> 00:02:21,884
and they were happy until
the day she passed away.
45
00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:23,919
-How'd she die?
-He killed her.
46
00:02:25,921 --> 00:02:28,157
It is the one drawback
of online dating,
47
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:31,394
but other than that,
it is fantastic.
48
00:02:31,427 --> 00:02:34,597
Y'all are crazy. The Internet's
not for finding love,
49
00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:36,666
it's for faxing and Tetris.
50
00:02:36,699 --> 00:02:40,270
Whatever happened
to approaching a woman,
51
00:02:40,303 --> 00:02:43,873
buying her a drink
and assuming she owes you sex?
52
00:02:43,906 --> 00:02:47,243
You really need to watch
the news more.
53
00:02:48,478 --> 00:02:50,446
And you should really try
the online dating, Hank.
54
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:54,750
I think you would do much better
with people that don't know you.
55
00:02:54,784 --> 00:02:56,686
I don't know this beautiful
woman over here,
56
00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:58,288
but I'm about to.
57
00:02:58,321 --> 00:03:01,491
How's it going, sweet pea?
(shouts)
58
00:03:02,792 --> 00:03:04,894
Damn, Raul, get a haircut.
59
00:03:07,263 --> 00:03:09,231
*
60
00:03:29,285 --> 00:03:33,556
Well, I guess this online dating
isn't the worst idea.
61
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,758
Shady Meadows is scorched earth
for old Hank.
62
00:03:35,791 --> 00:03:38,428
I plowed too many
of those driveways.
63
00:03:38,461 --> 00:03:40,496
You're not gonna put
"plowed driveways"
64
00:03:40,530 --> 00:03:42,498
in your profile, are you?
65
00:03:42,532 --> 00:03:44,834
Course not.
I got more sense than that.
66
00:03:47,503 --> 00:03:49,639
Well, I'm just glad that
you realized that I'm right,
67
00:03:49,672 --> 00:03:51,941
because earlier, you were saying
that online dating
68
00:03:51,974 --> 00:03:54,276
was for "sickos and losers."
69
00:03:54,310 --> 00:03:57,279
Oh, it is. But I'm just trying
to have sex here, Margaret.
70
00:03:57,313 --> 00:04:00,950
Okay. Here we go.
71
00:04:00,983 --> 00:04:02,952
Name: Charlie.
72
00:04:02,985 --> 00:04:05,154
About Me: I love art.
73
00:04:05,187 --> 00:04:07,690
I have proof that the moon
landing was a hoax.
74
00:04:07,723 --> 00:04:10,360
And I have 27 Vietnam kills.
75
00:04:10,393 --> 00:04:13,095
Ooh, I wouldn't mention Vietnam.
76
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:18,000
Okay. Right, I have 27 kills.
77
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:19,635
Uh, don't talk
about killing anyone,
78
00:04:19,669 --> 00:04:22,472
and I shouldn't have
to keep saying that.
79
00:04:22,505 --> 00:04:25,107
Do you, Charlie.
Don't listen to these naysayers.
80
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,442
We are just trying to help.
81
00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:28,277
Margaret and I do
very well online.
82
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,880
Last month, I was featured
on the home page of Grindr
83
00:04:30,913 --> 00:04:33,716
due to my high number of GPWs.
84
00:04:33,749 --> 00:04:37,019
That's grinds per week.
85
00:04:37,052 --> 00:04:39,655
You two only cleaned up
'cause you're looking for men.
86
00:04:39,689 --> 00:04:41,857
Men will have sex with anything.
87
00:04:41,891 --> 00:04:43,393
Don't be jealous, Hank,
88
00:04:43,426 --> 00:04:45,361
because green is not
a good color on you,
89
00:04:45,395 --> 00:04:47,863
and while I'm on the subject,
neither is yellow or red
90
00:04:47,897 --> 00:04:49,765
or purple.
91
00:04:51,066 --> 00:04:53,235
You look bad
is what I'm saying, Hank.
92
00:04:53,268 --> 00:04:56,739
We'll just see about that
once I post my profile.
93
00:04:56,772 --> 00:04:59,642
Name: Hanky Panky.
94
00:04:59,675 --> 00:05:03,245
Interests: Dat ass
95
00:05:03,278 --> 00:05:05,648
in my hands, girl.
96
00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:09,385
And... golf.
97
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,388
You guys, do you think
I should remove
98
00:05:12,422 --> 00:05:14,424
the picture of my 11th toe?
99
00:05:14,457 --> 00:05:17,727
I think you should
remove the toe.
100
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,095
Hank, you want me to take
your profile picture?
101
00:05:20,129 --> 00:05:21,997
Nah, I'm gonna take it
in private.
102
00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:23,399
Butt naked.
103
00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:27,002
Ooh! I just thought
of my caption.
104
00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:31,407
"Hanky Panky wants a spanky."
105
00:05:36,245 --> 00:05:38,047
You were right, Margaret.
106
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,882
This online dating
is the real deal.
107
00:05:39,915 --> 00:05:43,385
My phone hasn't blown up
this much since my daddy died.
108
00:05:43,419 --> 00:05:46,388
That's terrific, Hank.
109
00:05:46,422 --> 00:05:49,224
How about you, Charlie?
You drowning in cyber-booty?
110
00:05:49,258 --> 00:05:52,862
No booty. In fact,
I've only gotten one response.
111
00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,530
Hey, it only takes one.
112
00:05:54,564 --> 00:05:56,065
Who messaged you?
113
00:05:56,098 --> 00:05:57,700
One of my kids.
114
00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:00,402
Been trying to find me
for years. I deleted it.
115
00:06:00,436 --> 00:06:02,938
Yeah, buddy, that's too bad.
116
00:06:02,972 --> 00:06:08,377
Well, I guess I'll go figure out
the best way to light my dong.
117
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:12,815
Well, if there is a market
for Hanky Panky's dong shots,
118
00:06:12,848 --> 00:06:14,650
then I think you have nothing
to worry about, Charlie.
119
00:06:14,684 --> 00:06:15,885
You keep your head up.
120
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,720
Ah, that's sweet of you to say,
121
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:22,224
but it may be just too late
for a guy like me to find love.
122
00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:25,127
I'm gonna go help Hank
light his dong.
123
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,429
Oh, we need to do something.
124
00:06:27,463 --> 00:06:29,932
He's our friend,
he needs cheering up.
125
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:31,767
We could take him
for an ice cream.
126
00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:33,669
Or buy him a hooker.
127
00:06:33,703 --> 00:06:35,671
Skipped a whole lot
of steps there.
128
00:06:35,705 --> 00:06:38,140
No, we don't want him
to give up on love.
129
00:06:38,173 --> 00:06:40,142
What if, what if we create
130
00:06:40,175 --> 00:06:42,912
an online profile
to flirt with Charlie?
131
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,447
Margaret, I'm gonna tell you
what I told my baby sister
132
00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:48,150
when she wanted
to become a singer.
133
00:06:48,183 --> 00:06:50,853
Bitch, that's a terrible idea.
134
00:06:50,886 --> 00:06:54,123
Come on. We're just gonna
build up his confidence
135
00:06:54,156 --> 00:06:56,425
until he finds a real person.
136
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,160
It's kind of like
training wheels,
137
00:06:58,193 --> 00:07:01,964
only the end result is riding
a lady instead of a bike.
138
00:07:01,997 --> 00:07:04,333
Now, we got to make sure
she's Charlie's type
139
00:07:04,366 --> 00:07:06,435
so that he'll take the bait.
140
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:09,138
"Hi, I'm Nadine.
141
00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:11,306
"65 years young.
142
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:16,846
The moon landing was filmed in
Hollywood by Stanley Kubrick."
143
00:07:16,879 --> 00:07:19,281
You got to sex that up, honey.
144
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,483
All men are pervs, even Charlie.
145
00:07:21,517 --> 00:07:23,886
Ooh, I know.
Give her a mysterious name.
146
00:07:23,919 --> 00:07:28,891
Something like Destiny.
147
00:07:28,924 --> 00:07:31,527
There's nothing mysterious
about the name Destiny.
148
00:07:31,561 --> 00:07:33,863
She's a stripper,
mystery solved.
149
00:07:38,233 --> 00:07:41,003
* She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes *
150
00:07:41,036 --> 00:07:42,738
* When she comes,
she'll be coming... *
151
00:07:42,772 --> 00:07:44,807
Whoa! No dancing.
(chuckles)
152
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,677
Whoa, hey. Hey, gang.
153
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,378
Guess what?
154
00:07:49,411 --> 00:07:54,717
My profile got a response
last night, and it is a doozy.
155
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:58,487
Oh. So somebody messaged you
and now you're happy.
156
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,222
Tell us all about
this dream girl.
157
00:08:00,255 --> 00:08:02,692
Ah, well, every single thing
about her is...
158
00:08:02,725 --> 00:08:05,260
(laughs)
...beautiful.
159
00:08:05,294 --> 00:08:08,397
Even her name. Destiny.
160
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:13,669
Say what, now?
161
00:08:13,703 --> 00:08:15,605
Oh, my, my, her name is Destiny.
162
00:08:15,638 --> 00:08:18,240
Oh, she sounds mysterious.
163
00:08:18,273 --> 00:08:20,242
And sexy.
164
00:08:20,275 --> 00:08:22,344
Exactly what a man would want.
165
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:25,547
So did you hear
from anybody else?
166
00:08:25,581 --> 00:08:27,717
-You get any other bites?
-Ah, yes actually.
167
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:30,019
Some Nadine lady...
(laughs)
168
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:33,055
...claiming that the moon
landing was filmed in Hollywood.
169
00:08:33,088 --> 00:08:34,957
What an idiot.
170
00:08:36,592 --> 00:08:38,060
Everybody knows it was filmed
171
00:08:38,093 --> 00:08:42,531
in an airplane hanger
in Southern Utah. Duh.
172
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,367
Well, it sounds like you have
a lot to talk to her about.
173
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,638
Nah, she's garbage.
174
00:08:48,671 --> 00:08:50,940
Listen to this message
that Destiny sent me:
175
00:08:50,973 --> 00:08:56,378
"Dearest Charles, when I am done
having my way with you,
176
00:08:56,411 --> 00:09:01,784
our loins will be"--
get this-- "obliterated."
177
00:09:02,985 --> 00:09:04,720
(squeals, shouts)
178
00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:09,324
Oh. Wow, obliterated loins.
179
00:09:09,358 --> 00:09:11,493
-Yes.
-I wouldn't have ever taken you
180
00:09:11,526 --> 00:09:13,929
for the kind of guy
that liked that sort of smut.
181
00:09:13,963 --> 00:09:15,765
Oh, well, Margaret,
let's not confuse smut
182
00:09:15,798 --> 00:09:18,367
with well-written erotica.
183
00:09:20,636 --> 00:09:23,739
And also, look at this one.
184
00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:26,742
She said, she said,
her hands were tired
185
00:09:26,776 --> 00:09:29,278
so her boobies typed this.
186
00:09:29,311 --> 00:09:31,146
Oh, for heaven's sake.
187
00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:32,915
That doesn't even
make any sense.
188
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:35,184
(laughs)
Well, it makes perfect sense.
189
00:09:35,217 --> 00:09:36,686
It makes perfect sense
to me, too.
190
00:09:36,719 --> 00:09:39,121
Boobies can't type, dum-dums.
191
00:09:39,154 --> 00:09:40,656
Maybe not yours.
192
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:45,027
Well, anyhoo, I just wanted
to share the good news,
193
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:48,263
and to thank you for introducing
me to online dating.
194
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,132
You were right, Margaret.
It's fantastic.
195
00:09:50,165 --> 00:09:54,436
Oh, way to go. Way to go,
Charlie. Yay! Ha, ha.
196
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:56,505
What the hell, Sid?
197
00:09:56,538 --> 00:10:00,710
You created the Destiny profile?
198
00:10:00,743 --> 00:10:02,477
Oh, sounds like
somebody's jealous
199
00:10:02,511 --> 00:10:06,348
that Charlie chose my girl
over your moon nerd.
200
00:10:06,381 --> 00:10:08,150
"Your girl"?
201
00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:10,052
Aren't you getting
a little caught up in this?
202
00:10:10,085 --> 00:10:12,054
I'm not getting
caught up in squat.
203
00:10:12,087 --> 00:10:14,289
It's not like I created
an elaborate backstory
204
00:10:14,323 --> 00:10:17,492
of Destiny's strict
Southern upbringing
205
00:10:17,526 --> 00:10:22,732
as an oil man's only daughter
in rural 1950s Kentucky,
206
00:10:22,765 --> 00:10:27,703
when everybody in town knew
damn well Pappy wanted a boy.
207
00:10:32,607 --> 00:10:35,010
Wow, what a backstory.
208
00:10:35,044 --> 00:10:36,846
Why Kentucky?
209
00:10:36,879 --> 00:10:39,414
-Well, Margaret, in the 19...
-I don't really care!
210
00:10:40,883 --> 00:10:43,252
Remember, we're trying
to help Charlie here,
211
00:10:43,285 --> 00:10:46,789
we are not writing a porno
version of Gone with the Wind.
212
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,860
Well, why can't we do both?
213
00:10:50,893 --> 00:10:53,662
Oh. Sid, promise me
you won't do anything else
214
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,264
without running it by me first.
215
00:10:55,297 --> 00:10:58,067
Oh, Margaret,
I wouldn't dream of it.
216
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:02,504
* Hank! Hank, Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank, Hank *
217
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:06,041
* Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it... *
218
00:11:06,075 --> 00:11:09,111
I'm in love with a woman
named Destiny.
219
00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:15,050
* Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it, ow... *
220
00:11:20,655 --> 00:11:22,858
So Hank, you're telling me
that you messaged a woman
221
00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:25,861
named Destiny last night,
and she wrote you back?
222
00:11:25,895 --> 00:11:27,797
Oh, she sure did.
223
00:11:27,830 --> 00:11:31,666
And she typed it-- get this--
with her butt cheeks.
224
00:11:33,769 --> 00:11:35,805
Well, love is in the air.
225
00:11:35,838 --> 00:11:38,373
Sid, let's go play
a little game of pool.
226
00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:40,609
I don't want to play pool
with you. You take my money
227
00:11:40,642 --> 00:11:43,412
and then you poke me
with that stick. Oh!
228
00:11:43,445 --> 00:11:46,548
Why did you message Hank back?
229
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,551
Relax, Margaret,
I'm just having a little fun.
230
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,422
When I'm on Grindr, there's
no romance or witty banter.
231
00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:56,591
It's just,
"Wham, bam, thank you, Sid."
232
00:11:57,692 --> 00:11:59,761
But now,
the conversation is flowing,
233
00:11:59,795 --> 00:12:02,097
the boys are happy.
What is the harm?
234
00:12:02,131 --> 00:12:03,498
Do I really have to say it?
235
00:12:03,532 --> 00:12:05,600
You are catfishing
your two best friends,
236
00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:10,472
posing as a woman who types
with her milkers and her dumper.
237
00:12:13,475 --> 00:12:15,644
-And the problem is?
-(sighs)
238
00:12:15,677 --> 00:12:17,913
You're not gonna be able
to land this plane, Sid.
239
00:12:17,947 --> 00:12:19,748
They're gonna figure it out.
240
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:24,619
Hey, Hank, what has two thumbs,
11 toes and found a girl online?
241
00:12:24,653 --> 00:12:27,456
-This guy.
-(laughs)
242
00:12:27,489 --> 00:12:30,259
Well, let me hit my contact up
over there at Applebee's...
243
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:31,660
-Okay.
-...'cause guess what?
244
00:12:31,693 --> 00:12:33,863
Me and you are going out
on a double date!
245
00:12:33,896 --> 00:12:35,297
-Yeah!
-HANK: Ha, ha!
246
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:36,932
Old Hanky Panky has
narrowed it down
247
00:12:36,966 --> 00:12:40,635
to one very special woman,
and her name is...
248
00:12:40,669 --> 00:12:42,437
Destiny.
249
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:46,141
I got to go to the barber-- uhp!
250
00:12:46,175 --> 00:12:48,978
My-my sweetie's name
is Destiny, too.
251
00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:52,214
Oh, that's a common name.
End of that conversation.
252
00:12:52,247 --> 00:12:54,516
Uh, anybody like volcanoes?
253
00:12:54,549 --> 00:12:57,452
-Wait a minute,
where's your Destiny from? -Kentucky.
254
00:12:57,486 --> 00:13:01,390
No volcanoes there, which brings
me back to volcanoes.
255
00:13:01,423 --> 00:13:04,326
Wait a minute,
my Destiny's from Kentucky, too.
256
00:13:04,359 --> 00:13:05,727
Have you met your girl yet?
257
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,329
Not yet.
But we have plans to meet
258
00:13:07,362 --> 00:13:08,830
as soon as she gets back from...
259
00:13:08,864 --> 00:13:11,266
BOTH: ...auditioning
for the Rockettes?
260
00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:15,337
God, I hope
they both make the cut.
261
00:13:17,372 --> 00:13:20,009
(laughs): Or it's gonna be
one awkward night at Applebee's.
262
00:13:21,743 --> 00:13:23,545
Man, we're dating
the same woman, Charlie.
263
00:13:23,578 --> 00:13:25,547
Oh, that's impossible.
264
00:13:25,580 --> 00:13:27,316
I mean, how could
she like us both?
265
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:30,085
-We're total opposites.
-Well, you got that right.
266
00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:33,322
You're a crusty, burned-out
ex-hippie and I'm DTF.
267
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,925
Dark, tall and fun.
268
00:13:35,958 --> 00:13:38,894
That's not what DTF means.
269
00:13:38,928 --> 00:13:41,563
Fun? You could be
in a personality contest
270
00:13:41,596 --> 00:13:44,433
all by yourself
and come in third.
271
00:13:44,466 --> 00:13:47,869
Stop it, stop it, stop it,
both of you.
272
00:13:47,903 --> 00:13:49,871
You're just horny.
273
00:13:49,905 --> 00:13:52,441
Hank, you said you had lots
of women in your inbox.
274
00:13:52,474 --> 00:13:54,109
Date one of them.
275
00:13:54,143 --> 00:13:56,545
Well, I lied.
Didn't nobody message me back.
276
00:13:56,578 --> 00:13:59,248
I came on too strong
with my dong pics.
277
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,952
Destiny's the only one
who liked my pic.
278
00:14:02,985 --> 00:14:04,453
I'll bet.
279
00:14:04,486 --> 00:14:06,488
Well...
280
00:14:10,059 --> 00:14:12,761
...I've heard enough.
I'm messaging Destiny.
281
00:14:12,794 --> 00:14:15,931
What? No, I'm gonna message
Destiny, right now.
282
00:14:15,965 --> 00:14:19,201
-(phone vibrating)
-Oh! Ooh! Excuse me.
283
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,870
Excuse me,
I got a bad case of the toots.
284
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,472
(laughs, stammers)
285
00:14:23,505 --> 00:14:26,141
Talk about volcanic eruptions.
286
00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:33,082
This is bad.
This is really, really bad.
287
00:14:33,115 --> 00:14:34,883
Uh-oh. I know
what's happening here.
288
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,618
You're feeling guilty
289
00:14:36,651 --> 00:14:38,887
because this was all your idea,
aren't you?
290
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,990
Now you look angry.
291
00:14:41,023 --> 00:14:43,993
But you're angry at yourself.
292
00:14:44,026 --> 00:14:46,928
Ooh, you're angry at me.
293
00:14:46,962 --> 00:14:49,398
Destiny would be happier
with me.
294
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,166
I'm smart, I'm funny.
295
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,802
Stop it, you guys.
You are friends.
296
00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:56,238
Well, Margaret's right.
This ends right here.
297
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,074
-Thank you.
-With a good old-fashioned fistfight.
298
00:14:59,108 --> 00:15:01,310
-What?
-That is the best idea
299
00:15:01,343 --> 00:15:03,278
you've ever had, you old fart.
300
00:15:03,312 --> 00:15:05,847
-What? You're older than me.
-Yeah, but I'm not a fart.
301
00:15:07,316 --> 00:15:08,850
They're fighting
over me, Margaret.
302
00:15:08,883 --> 00:15:11,686
Ow. You got an elbow
like a praying mantis.
303
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,788
You guys, stop it.
You cannot fight.
304
00:15:13,822 --> 00:15:18,093
Charlie, you need a tool
to help you put your socks on.
305
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:20,862
Oh, no, we're fighting.
Two hours, dining hall.
306
00:15:20,895 --> 00:15:23,698
Right after Judge Judy
and before Judge Joe Brown.
307
00:15:23,732 --> 00:15:25,834
Okay. See you there.
308
00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:29,304
Can't wait to update
my profile to 28 kills.
309
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,842
-I think they bought it.
-(laughs) Yeah.
310
00:15:33,875 --> 00:15:36,945
And they have no idea
that we know they're Destiny.
311
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,180
Yeah, this'll teach them
not to leave
312
00:15:38,213 --> 00:15:39,548
their laptops laying around.
313
00:15:39,581 --> 00:15:40,982
Do you want to hit them
with one more?
314
00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:44,553
Okay, okay, um...
I hate you, Hank Henderson!
315
00:15:44,586 --> 00:15:47,189
You will rue this day!
316
00:15:47,222 --> 00:15:48,957
Rue this day!
317
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:52,394
Rue you, bitch!
318
00:15:52,427 --> 00:15:53,862
I'm about to get nose-deep
319
00:15:53,895 --> 00:15:57,032
in Destiny's magical
typing boobies.
320
00:16:01,236 --> 00:16:03,172
This is awful.
321
00:16:03,205 --> 00:16:05,174
They're about to beat the crap
out of each other
322
00:16:05,207 --> 00:16:06,808
and it's all our fault.
323
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,009
What are we gonna do?
324
00:16:08,043 --> 00:16:10,079
The only thing we can do.
325
00:16:16,085 --> 00:16:17,886
Hear me out.
326
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,995
No, Sid. Absolutely no.
327
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:30,165
-Well, at least
let me explain it. -Oh, I got it.
328
00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:32,534
You're dressed as Destiny
and now you're gonna go try
329
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:34,769
and talk the boys
into being friends again.
330
00:16:34,803 --> 00:16:37,939
Okay, it's clear, then.
So what's the holdup?
331
00:16:37,972 --> 00:16:40,742
There is no way in hell that
anybody is ever gonna believe
332
00:16:40,775 --> 00:16:42,177
that you are Destiny.
333
00:16:42,211 --> 00:16:43,745
Look at you.
334
00:16:43,778 --> 00:16:48,583
Well, you haven't even heard
the voice yet.
335
00:16:48,617 --> 00:16:52,221
-(high-pitched voice):
It was... -No, Sid!
336
00:16:52,254 --> 00:16:55,857
No. You are a 66-year-old
four-foot-ten man
337
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:58,260
that Hank and Charlie hang out
with every single day.
338
00:16:58,293 --> 00:16:59,794
This is not gonna work.
339
00:16:59,828 --> 00:17:02,030
(scoffs)
What's your idea then?
340
00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,032
Just fess up
to the whole damn thing?
341
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,235
Our friends will
hate us forever.
342
00:17:06,268 --> 00:17:08,137
Well, that's why
they can't ever find out.
343
00:17:08,170 --> 00:17:11,640
We're gonna go to that fight,
as us, in our regular clothes,
344
00:17:11,673 --> 00:17:13,575
and we are gonna tell them
how stupid they are acting
345
00:17:13,608 --> 00:17:15,877
over a woman
they've never even met.
346
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:18,213
Well, fine. But I know my
Destiny would've had them
347
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:22,717
eating out of the palms
of her tiny, feminine hands.
348
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,086
Why do you even
have this wig, anyway?
349
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,488
Can I live, please?
350
00:17:33,328 --> 00:17:35,264
All right, Sean,
your grandmother tells us
351
00:17:35,297 --> 00:17:36,498
you're a great actor.
352
00:17:36,531 --> 00:17:38,099
Well, I just booked
a dental floss commercial,
353
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:39,501
so you tell me.
354
00:17:39,534 --> 00:17:40,802
-(chuckles)
-All right.
355
00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:42,637
So here's the deal:
you're gonna come in,
356
00:17:42,671 --> 00:17:44,273
you're gonna arrest us, right?
357
00:17:44,306 --> 00:17:46,441
Scare the hell out
of our friends, they confess,
358
00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:49,411
you get your 50 bucks, and you
get to go home to your wife.
359
00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:52,614
-I don't have a wife.
-That's smart. Marriage is complicated.
360
00:17:52,647 --> 00:17:54,283
Uhp, here they come.
Places, people.
361
00:17:54,316 --> 00:17:57,519
-(exhales)
-You've got this, Sean!
362
00:17:59,388 --> 00:18:01,590
You don't scare me, Hank.
363
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:03,492
I ate a man's nose in Nam,
364
00:18:03,525 --> 00:18:06,161
and then I asked him how
he liked the smell of my guts.
365
00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:08,763
Yeah? Back in the day,
I used to have suckers begging
366
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:11,466
for their mamas,
then I'd bang their mamas.
367
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,635
-You guys, stop!
-Never!
368
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,537
Oh, well, we tried.
I'll go get the wig.
369
00:18:15,570 --> 00:18:18,640
(chanting):
Fight! Fight! Fight!
370
00:18:18,673 --> 00:18:20,475
Maybe we should
just let them go.
371
00:18:20,509 --> 00:18:23,345
I mean, they're old men,
how bad could it be?
372
00:18:23,378 --> 00:18:25,146
You made the classic blunder.
373
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:28,116
You brought a fist
to a knife fight.
374
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,551
(people gasping)
375
00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,520
Break it up, you two!
376
00:18:31,553 --> 00:18:34,823
We've got a 1099 in progress.
That's right.
377
00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:37,792
Two old guys fighting
over a woman. That's right.
378
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,395
Put me through
to the commissioner.
379
00:18:40,429 --> 00:18:43,332
They're putting him through
to the commissioner, Margaret.
380
00:18:43,365 --> 00:18:46,000
We'll be jailed for cybercrimes.
381
00:18:46,034 --> 00:18:47,736
Calm down, Sid.
382
00:18:47,769 --> 00:18:49,704
No, th-they'll put me
in the big house.
383
00:18:49,738 --> 00:18:51,640
Look at me,
I'll get eaten alive.
384
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,243
You'll be fine.
385
00:18:54,276 --> 00:18:56,845
That's right,
you're both under arrest.
386
00:18:56,878 --> 00:18:58,747
For illegal knife-fighting.
387
00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:01,916
I'm gonna power this taser
up to a thousand volts.
388
00:19:01,950 --> 00:19:03,852
That's right.
389
00:19:03,885 --> 00:19:05,720
The highest amount of volts.
390
00:19:05,754 --> 00:19:08,257
No, no, no! No, no, no,
you'll kill them!
391
00:19:08,290 --> 00:19:10,225
No, it was me!
I did it, I'm Destiny!
392
00:19:11,393 --> 00:19:13,161
I never meant to hurt y'all.
393
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:16,598
We were just trying to help,
but we-we got carried away.
394
00:19:16,631 --> 00:19:18,099
Tell them, Margaret.
Tell them that we did it.
395
00:19:18,132 --> 00:19:20,569
They know
that we're Destiny, Sid.
396
00:19:20,602 --> 00:19:22,504
They're just messing with us.
397
00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,172
SID:
What?
398
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:28,142
I'm more confused than the night
I conceived my son.
399
00:19:30,245 --> 00:19:32,381
This cop, he's a fake.
400
00:19:32,414 --> 00:19:34,583
And a really bad actor,
by the way.
401
00:19:34,616 --> 00:19:36,318
Um, wow.
402
00:19:37,652 --> 00:19:39,621
(imitating Sean):
That's right.
403
00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:48,897
(normal voice:) You called in
a 1099. That's a tax form.
404
00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:51,900
See this walkie-talkie here?
Fake.
405
00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:53,468
It's not hooked up to anything.
406
00:19:53,502 --> 00:19:56,237
His little taser here? Fake.
407
00:19:56,271 --> 00:19:59,240
See? This knife here? Fake.
408
00:19:59,274 --> 00:20:00,542
HANK AND CHARLIE:
No, no, no, no, no!
409
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:02,877
-(screams)
-No, no...
410
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:06,080
You got the first two right,
but the knife is real.
411
00:20:06,114 --> 00:20:08,049
-Oh!
-That's right.
412
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:09,951
Ow...
413
00:20:14,689 --> 00:20:16,291
So then we found Sid's computer
open, and we figured
414
00:20:16,325 --> 00:20:17,992
we'd teach y'all a lesson
about messing with your friends.
415
00:20:18,026 --> 00:20:20,429
Well, it worked. I'd already
picked out my prison name.
416
00:20:20,462 --> 00:20:24,633
I settled on Buzzsaw.
417
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:30,472
I figured I'd be working
with a lot of wood.
418
00:20:33,675 --> 00:20:36,445
Well, I'm just sorry
things got so out of hand.
419
00:20:36,478 --> 00:20:38,813
We didn't want you to give up
on love, Charlie.
420
00:20:38,847 --> 00:20:41,416
There's still
somebody out there for you.
421
00:20:41,450 --> 00:20:44,786
And Hank, well...
422
00:20:49,691 --> 00:20:51,793
You trailed off there.
423
00:20:51,826 --> 00:20:55,163
I did, didn't I?
424
00:20:55,196 --> 00:20:56,631
Well, it was a wild ride,
425
00:20:56,665 --> 00:20:59,100
but the good news is
nobody got hurt.
426
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,902
Is someone gonna drive me
to the hospital?
427
00:21:02,371 --> 00:21:05,106
Oh. Well, I am the one
that stabbed him, so I suppose
428
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:08,443
I should do the right thing
and call him an Uber.
429
00:21:08,477 --> 00:21:12,347
Don't worry, Sean,
we'll, uh, pay you double.
430
00:21:12,381 --> 00:21:14,115
-A hundred bucks.
-A hundred bucks?
431
00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:17,185
It's not like he got shot.
432
00:21:17,218 --> 00:21:20,822
Seven minutes, Sean.
It's a blue hatchback.
433
00:21:22,391 --> 00:21:23,892
That's pretty good.
434
00:21:23,942 --> 00:21:28,492
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