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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,004
(rhythmic snapping)
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,209
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,744
Starts February 28 on FX.
4
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,350
FXX presents You're the Worst.
5
00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:28,262
*
6
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,035
Checking in with us today?
7
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:43,677
Okay, Miss Cutler.
8
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,114
Looks like we have you in one
of our signature suites.
9
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:47,748
Will you be needing
one room key or two?
10
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,917
One's fine.
11
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:52,853
* Waiting in line *
12
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:56,757
* Thought about leaving *
13
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,293
* But for real this time *
14
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:02,563
* Some redesign *
15
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:06,267
* Of a classic theme *
16
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:10,238
* Of western scene *
17
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,848
* What everyone wants *
18
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,318
* Is the same thing *
19
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:27,588
* That everyone wants *
20
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:31,292
* What do you want to be? *
21
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,294
(sighs)
22
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:36,964
All right.
23
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,433
Are any of these
popular disc jockeys
24
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,068
worthy of playing our wedding?
25
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,003
Uh, DJ Duchess?
26
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,240
DJ Squirt-Squirt?
Brian?
27
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,142
(scoffs)
Who cares?
28
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,344
We could put a blonde wig and
a Givenchy shirt on an iPhone
29
00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,180
and no one would
know the difference.
30
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,282
The DJ will be the first person
31
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,684
to introduce us
as a married couple.
32
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,686
Do you really want to hand
that responsibility
33
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,189
to DJ Thugtastic?
34
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:04,458
Nock Nock?
Who's Nock Nock?
35
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,661
And how does he have
six million views?
36
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:11,265
-* Ring around the clocky *
-* Ring around the clocky *
37
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,934
-* Pocket full of Oxy *
-* Pocket full of Oxy *
38
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,537
-* Mom could never stop me *
-* Mom could never stop me *
39
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,473
I think this is trash?
40
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,942
But is it
"garbage trash" or, like,
41
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,011
"trash that ends up
in a museum" trash?
42
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,779
No, no.
It's rubbish.
43
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:28,182
-Right?
-Right.
44
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:30,384
I mean, he's just
some Ox'd-out redneck
45
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,586
rapping behind an Arby's
or something.
46
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:36,324
-Again?
-Yes, please.
47
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,828
-* Ring around the clocky *
-* Ring around the clocky. *
48
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:44,164
Well, we have had a shockingly
productive morning.
49
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:46,300
We have booked our cake tasting,
50
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,135
finalized booze selections,
51
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,638
low-balled our officiant,
and tonight,
52
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,208
-we have an appointment
with our florist. -We got a florist?
53
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,577
-This wedding's about to be
classy as fuck. -(phone buzzes)
54
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,347
Right.
Time to head off to write.
55
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,515
I mustn't keep the muse waiting.
56
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,051
Yes, hurry up. Wouldn't want to
lose the table near the outlet.
57
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,421
-What's that supposed to mean?
-Come on.
58
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,257
You're a reg at a coffee shop
59
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,325
with a reg outlet
and reg writing hours.
60
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:13,727
Plus, running point
on all this wedding shit--
61
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:17,798
you've just become this, like,
stable-ass dude alla sudden.
62
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,934
Stable?
63
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:23,537
Yeah, I always thought the whole
point of being a writer
64
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,006
was so that you could drink
all night in dive bars
65
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,909
and challenge other writers to
fist fights and die hella early.
66
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,911
But not you, Jimmy.
67
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,180
You, sir, are a VGB:
68
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,748
A very good boy.
69
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,250
I'm not a...
70
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,586
I am the opposite
of a good boy.
71
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:42,055
I may have experienced
a marked level of success
72
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,524
as of late, but that
doesn't change the fact
73
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,025
that Jimmy Shive-Overly
74
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,227
is and will always be,
unassailably,
75
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:50,097
without question,
a bad, bad boy.
76
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,232
Name one thing
that makes you a bad boy.
77
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,201
I have a raging foot fetish.
78
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,304
Foot fetishes are the applesauce
of fetishes.
79
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,071
Bad boy fetishes are like
80
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,441
you can only get turned on
if your dick's on fire.
81
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:03,744
What are you still doing here?
You're gonna lose your outlet.
82
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,646
Jimmy thinks he's a bad boy.
83
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,482
(laughs)
84
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,918
What... what gives Edgar
the right to weigh in on this?
85
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,786
Jimmy, Edgar has killed people.
86
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,555
What is more bad boy than that?
87
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,256
-(imitates gunshot)
-(Gretchen laughs)
88
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:19,593
Oh. It's good.
89
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:22,095
Everyone knows
you don't marry the bad boy.
90
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,498
You bang him until he gets
caught knocking over
91
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:27,067
a tattoo shop
he lost in a dice game.
92
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,303
But marry him?
No way.
93
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,238
That is what I have you for.
94
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,841
Mm.
95
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,242
Is that sunblock?
96
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,277
Good boy.
97
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,258
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
98
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,294
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
99
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,729
* Gonna leave you anyway. *
100
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,076
*
101
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,819
(indistinct conversations)
102
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:26,894
(fart noise)
103
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,564
That was the mustard.
104
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,600
Not my butt.
105
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:36,003
You can eat in the meeting,
Gretchen.
106
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,645
I mean, usually people
don't eat at these things,
107
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:45,979
but, do you.
All right,
108
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,815
time to pitch me new clients.
109
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,517
Go.
110
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,033
(timer dings)
111
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,468
Mm-mm!
112
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,639
Still on pace
for 28 pages today, Jimmy?
113
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,543
No, actually.
114
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,110
I'm just winging it today.
115
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,413
Who cares about page goals?
116
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,381
You, bruh?
117
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:23,350
You asked me to
"shame you mightily"
118
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,753
if you don't make your page goal
every day. You good, fam?
119
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,688
Yeah, I'm completely good, fam.
120
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,356
Oh, it's just that my fiancée
121
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,859
accused me of being a good boy.
122
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,694
(scoffs)
Preposterous.
123
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,228
That is decaf, right?
124
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,998
Just... I don't want
the afternoon jitters.
125
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,449
Mind watching my stuff
while I hit the bathroom?
126
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,327
(laughing)
127
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,697
Yeah! Yeah!
128
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,812
Thanks.
129
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,982
His music is fantastic.
130
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,984
His brand is ripe
for developing.
131
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:33,420
And his numbers speak
for themselves.
132
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,489
When I saw Young Bludgeon
a few years ago,
133
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:38,792
I felt he was talented, but
derivative of Lil Uzi Vert,
134
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,695
which is to say I am not
interested in this at all,
135
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,463
and neither should you be.
136
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:46,600
Thanks for that complete waste
of time, Shayna.
137
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,168
Gretchen.
138
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,871
Mm-hmm?
Mm-hmm.
139
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,443
Well, two words for you.
140
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,146
Actually, one word, twice.
141
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,214
Also, not spelled
the way you'd think.
142
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,516
Anyway,
143
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:05,352
Nock... Nock.
144
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,120
Who's there?
145
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,890
Yes, exactly.
Nock Nock is there.
146
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,325
Nock Nock is
a trailer park rapper
147
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:15,362
who only raps about drugs
and his mom. And eating pussy.
148
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,965
-Very fresh talent.
-Pull him up on the screen.
149
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,601
Oh, we can do that later.
150
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,137
YVETTE:
Huh.
151
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,139
Anybody heard of him?
152
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,041
Well,
153
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,510
how 'bout we all get to know
Nock Nock today?
154
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,512
All of us? Today?
155
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:35,248
Watch every video,
listen to every song.
156
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,350
Comb through
his online presence to see
157
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:40,187
if you brought us someone
who's worth our time.
158
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,923
Rony really vouched for you
on this promotion,
159
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:46,359
so I am looking forward
to seeing what the hype...
160
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,961
is about.
161
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,631
Meeting's done.
162
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,573
*
163
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:04,211
(door closes)
164
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,613
Did you hear that?
165
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,280
No. You know what else
I don't hear?
166
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,182
The sound of me jizzing yet.
167
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,051
-You guys banging?
-Aah!
168
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,085
-Oh!
-Noice!
169
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,954
Sweet balls, E.
170
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,589
Ew! You two.
171
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:16,690
Get a room.
172
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:19,292
I am in my... sheet room.
173
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,061
Linds, grateful
you're letting us crash,
174
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,363
but we can only kill so much
time at the 99 Cents Store.
175
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,265
It's fun, but then a huge bummer
all of a sudden.
176
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:26,900
Really sneaks up on you.
177
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,036
Yo, what are you guys getting up
to the rest of the day?
178
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,304
Ew! Get off!
Go back to your couch.
179
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,940
Oh, don't forget,
Paul will be over soon
180
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,142
to do the insemination
procedure.
181
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,611
Paul's gonna come in a cup, and
we're gonna put that in her vag.
182
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,446
Oh, Bec, Tiny People,
Big House is on.
183
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,914
-Okay, babe.
-ANNOUNCER (on TV): This week
184
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,783
-on Tiny People, Big Houses,
-Ooh!
185
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,151
-Kathy and Mark
-(laughs): Ow.
186
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,320
have difficulties
with their reimagined...
187
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,622
How are we living in a world
188
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,457
where Becca
loves her husband now?
189
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:54,094
And how is that world
living inside my apartment?
190
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,096
I need to find someone.
191
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,497
Soon.
192
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,166
You and I hang out all the time.
193
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,234
We do sex all the time.
194
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,237
I want a "feeds me cheese balls"
195
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,673
type of love.
196
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,340
(clears throat)
197
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,642
Oh, no.
198
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,744
You didn't catch feels, did you?
199
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:13,080
We promised we'd kill the other
if that happened.
200
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,082
Do I need to get
my stabbing knife out?
201
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,750
No. No feels.
202
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,585
But...
203
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,520
I don't know,
what if we tried?
204
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,289
Explain your words.
205
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:23,857
What if, like,
we do what we're doing now
206
00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:27,194
but we moved it
to a restaurant and...
207
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:30,363
you know, gave
catching feelings a shot?
208
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,032
We do bone good.
209
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,967
That's, like,
90% of a relationship.
210
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:34,968
Let's do it!
211
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,636
Let's go on a...
212
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,972
da...
213
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,841
DayQuil? (laughs):
No, that's not a word.
214
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:43,476
Uh, what's the word
for a no-sex dinner?
215
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,511
A date.
216
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:45,612
Ew.
217
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,181
That's it. A date.
218
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,718
Lindsay, you're gonna
want to stay out of your
219
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,552
underwear drawer
for a bit. Tallulah's
220
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,521
taking a nap in there,
and she may or may not have
221
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,123
sharted all over your thongs.
222
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,658
(chuckles)
No, she totally did.
223
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:04,331
(on laptop):
* Ring around the clocky * * Ring around the clocky *
224
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:07,200
-* Pocket full of Oxy *
-MAN (chuckling): Oh, she's dead.
225
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:11,805
-* Pocket full of Oxy *
-* Catch me at the football field *
226
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:15,208
-* I'm cooking
mac and cheese, yeah * -(chortling)
227
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,409
* I'm cooking all that mac
and cheese... *
228
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,078
WOMAN:
This is the guy?
229
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,247
MAN (chuckles):
Oh, yeah, right.
230
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,883
-* Ring around the clocky *
-* Ring around the clocky *
231
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,018
* Pocket full of Oxy *
232
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:27,554
(Nock Nock songs overlapping)
233
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,923
-Aah!
-Yvette would like to get drinks with you tonight,
234
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,993
off-campus. I'll be in touch
with your office.
235
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,862
Like, a fun drinks,
236
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,731
-or...?
-* Pussy like it's Cocoa Puffs *
237
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:39,733
(Nock Nock songs overlapping)
238
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,068
-* Oxy *
-* Oxy... *
239
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:51,478
(fly buzzing)
240
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,789
One street hot dog,
please, vendor.
241
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,763
(stomach gurgling)
242
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:17,104
Why are you littering?
243
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,706
Because I'm a bad boy.
244
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,208
Do we need to find a grown-up?
245
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,609
What are you, five?
246
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,644
Who calls adults "grown-ups"?
247
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,780
Piss off,
you meddling street urchins.
248
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:28,581
Excuse me, grown-up.
249
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,583
We need help.
250
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,889
MAN:
I know, tell me about it. Oh, I did not even
251
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:38,291
tell you about
our trip to Montana.
252
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,293
-Yeah, no, truly majestic.
-(phone chimes)
253
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,095
Big Sky Country.
Like, so humbling.
254
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:45,098
I found myself. Best part was,
though, Lexi got sick
255
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,566
on the second night,
so I was just out there
256
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,469
bagging townies
left and right.
257
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,004
(man keeps talking, distorted)
258
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,947
(keys clacking,
sent message chime)
259
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,681
Yeah, I know, it's like,
if you don't
260
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:03,250
want to lose your pension,
then don't invest it
261
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,952
in the first place,
Grandma.
262
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,486
Yeah.
263
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:09,122
(laughs)
Right? Yeah.
264
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:12,725
-(speaking indistinctly)
-*
265
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,932
Hold on, dude, I got
to hit this sick crosswalk.
266
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:20,700
Um, so, anyway,
the reason I'm calling is,
267
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,470
are you still dealing Molly?
268
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,771
WOMAN (on TV):
We love to entertain, so...
269
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,173
How you doin' in there, buddy?
270
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,174
PAUL:
Fine.
271
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,609
Uh, give me a minute.
272
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,778
WOMAN:
...kitchen that overlooks the large living room.
273
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,680
MAN:
Yes, I do love to cook in it.
274
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:36,183
(grunts softly)
275
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,018
(sighs)
276
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:39,219
You'd think
my reproductive anatomy
277
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,854
would more than cooperate,
278
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,689
considering I've refrained
from any emissions
279
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,291
in two fortnights.
280
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,592
(groans)
281
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,669
(moans, exhales)
282
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,671
(panting)
283
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:01,608
(moaning loudly)
284
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:06,079
(moaning, panting)
285
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,247
Oh.
286
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,384
(grunts)
287
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,053
(sighs)
288
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,988
Damn!
Great work, Paul.
289
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,224
-It's like a full side of ranch.
-(groans)
290
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:18,992
PAUL:
It's wondrous to think that of the 400 million-odd
291
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:22,095
sperm you're holding,
one mighty swimmer
292
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,097
might become my future child.
293
00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:26,266
-How powerful is this moment?
-(snorts softly)
294
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,601
I'm up-squirting the specimen
295
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:31,271
into the medical baster.
296
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,008
Now I'm inserting
the medical baster
297
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,843
into the vaginal canal.
298
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,445
Oh. Ow!
299
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:39,546
Relax, honey.
300
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,581
Almost done, Paul.
301
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,518
All right.
302
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,754
You can come out now.
303
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,792
May I?
304
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,827
Oh.
305
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,467
Implant, dear offspring.
306
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,404
Father cannot wait to meet you.
307
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,439
(snorts)
308
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,208
(groaning)
309
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,043
(laughs)
310
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:13,380
I can't believe it's been
four months and no fetus.
311
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,249
My last sperm test revealed
I had historic motility.
312
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,651
It's my "offish" doctor's
opinion this is absolutely,
313
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,820
-possibly the one.
-And if not,
314
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,390
there's always next month.
(chuckles)
315
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,625
Do you need a pen
to write the check or...
316
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,228
Becca!
This is a sacred moment.
317
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,297
You mind scribblin'
that five thou to "cash"?
318
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,700
Bec and I could really use
the walkin' around money.
319
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,770
(indistinct conversations)
320
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,442
Question.
321
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,747
How did you get hired
in the first place?
322
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,582
(sighs deeply)
323
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,818
Look, I know.
324
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,586
I was just a coked-out assistant
325
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,822
who spent most of her time
hooking up with industry guys
326
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:57,991
and stealing iPod Shuffles
from swag bags.
327
00:15:58,025 --> 00:16:01,794
But then Rick was decapitated
in that Jet Ski accident,
328
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:05,698
and, suddenly, I got
a promotion I never asked for.
329
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,201
And now, here I am,
three years later,
330
00:16:08,235 --> 00:16:11,038
getting married, pretending
to be a real publicist
331
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,806
in my big office, which,
yeah, I stole. (chuckles)
332
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,209
Which triggered another
promotion I didn't ask for.
333
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:19,646
And I am a total fraud, okay?
334
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:22,549
All I do is lie
and manipulate my clients
335
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,617
into doing
what I want them to do.
336
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,653
You just described
being a publicist.
337
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:30,190
Yeah, anyways,
thanks for doing this off-campus
338
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,525
to let me save face.
339
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,661
Say bye to Toilet for me.
340
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,695
Sit.
341
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,567
God, you remind me
so much of me.
342
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,802
It's true. I was just
343
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,238
some rich girl
who liked to fuck musicians.
344
00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:46,873
-Really?
-(chuckles) Yes.
345
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,675
I didn't take this job
seriously, either.
346
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:51,544
Until one day I woke up
and decided I wanted
347
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,046
to be good at something
other than
348
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,014
avoiding being good
at anything.
349
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,484
The only thing I'm good at
is faking it.
350
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,486
I get that you need to think
that's true,
351
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,987
but I have news for you.
352
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,422
When you weren't looking,
Gretchen,
353
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,591
you actually became good.
354
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,760
Can you imagine
how unstoppable you would be
355
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,062
if you actually tried?
356
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,434
Bad mom, huh?
357
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,771
(crying)
358
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,051
(knocking)
359
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,922
You're lucky.
360
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,558
Hello, florist.
361
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:42,395
Please, enter so that
I may select centerpieces--
362
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:45,632
a manly endeavor
if ever there was one.
363
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,404
Hmm.
364
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,108
Do you have anything
a bit more dangerous and badass?
365
00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:56,943
No. Pick one of these.
366
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:59,712
You only just plunked them
annoyedly on the table
367
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,248
a second ago.
368
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,216
Well, daisies
are for schoolchildren.
369
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:06,786
Succulents are
for anorexic Instagram girls.
370
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:08,788
Is that just a bowl of sticks?
371
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,791
Hmm. These are really quite
different, aren't they?
372
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,461
One is white hydrangeas
and white calla lilies.
373
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,129
The other
is all white hydrangeas.
374
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,831
Well, the subtle difference
speaks volumes.
375
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,300
Can you hurry?
I have somewhere to be.
376
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,068
Okay, yep. Um...
377
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,605
-well, hydrangeas
and calla lilies it is. -Great.
378
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,240
That's the deposit amount,
379
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,442
and I need a sig there
and the check.
380
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,344
Then I can get the hell
out of here.
381
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,112
You really shouldn't talk
to your customers this way.
382
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,947
You seriously want to argue
about my attitude,
383
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:35,948
or do you want to tell
your fiancée
384
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:37,250
that you got this done for her?
385
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,985
Ha! Joke's on you.
My fiancée
386
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,520
doesn't give a shit about this.
387
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:41,788
Sorry.
388
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,490
Most wedding people
389
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:44,991
are total assholes.
390
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:46,526
I get pre-defensive.
391
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,861
Pre-defensive
is my natural state.
392
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,430
What are you
so late for, anyway?
393
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,131
Going to a show.
394
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,933
What kind of show?
395
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,470
* I'm gonna hunt you down *
396
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:01,107
* And always get my way *
397
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:05,312
* I'm gonna hunt you down *
398
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:10,016
* I'm gonna make you pay *
399
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,684
* So go ahead *
400
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,221
* Go ahead and lock me up *
401
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,724
* Lock me up *
402
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:20,527
(distorted screaming)
403
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,296
* I want to take your keys *
404
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:27,234
* And now I'm gonna
drive your car *
405
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,903
* I'm gonna take this
way too far. *
406
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,873
(whoops)
407
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,908
(classical music softly playing)
408
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,192
-So...
-Huh?
409
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,227
-Huh?
-What was that?
410
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:55,695
-What was what?
-You said something.
411
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,163
Oh, I-I-I didn't say anything.
You did.
412
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,233
(chuckles):
Oh. Okay. Never mind.
413
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:03,202
This food is taking forever.
414
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,204
Isn't it taking forever?
415
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,240
Uh, we haven't ordered yet.
416
00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:10,042
Are you fucking kidding me?
417
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,511
I mean...
418
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,580
funny, I thought we had.
419
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:16,516
(chuckles)
420
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,451
How's the gym?
421
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,953
I haven't worked there
for over a year.
422
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,855
Really? (chuckles)
423
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,392
Oh. Huh.
424
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,594
I'm just...
425
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:31,598
-I'm gonna hit the men's room.
-Okay, cool. Cool.
426
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,083
(toilet flushes)
427
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,725
(phone chimes)
428
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,593
(sighs)
429
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,096
(both laugh)
430
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:06,232
We're so good
with our clothes off.
431
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,335
-What happened?
-I don't know.
432
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:14,507
Hey.
433
00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,943
You deserve
to find love, Lindsay.
434
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:19,579
If I don't find someone soon,
I'm gonna end up alone.
435
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,415
Like, "Mr. Rogers
begging children
436
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:24,016
to be his neighbor" alone.
437
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:25,818
I guess having Jimmy
and Gretchen
438
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:28,254
about to tie the knot
is freaking me out.
439
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,490
You know, maybe us hooking up
440
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:33,192
has held you back
from finding it.
441
00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:38,365
As much as I'd hate
to give up quality D,
442
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:41,334
I need to create space
for love in my heart.
443
00:21:41,368 --> 00:21:43,470
And my puss.
444
00:21:43,503 --> 00:21:44,904
And I want that for you.
445
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,914
(Edgar clears his throat)
446
00:21:58,885 --> 00:22:00,820
Great sex, bud.
447
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:03,255
Real horny.
448
00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:18,738
Crap, that was mine.
449
00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:26,546
So, let's talk Nock Nock.
450
00:22:26,579 --> 00:22:29,916
-(coughs)
-We're flying him in for a signing meeting next week.
451
00:22:29,949 --> 00:22:32,585
-Wait, but everyone hated him.
-But you liked him.
452
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:35,354
I couldn't stop watching him.
That doesn't mean I liked him.
453
00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:37,490
In a moment of panic, you
pulled him out of your brain.
454
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:40,727
I'll go with instinct every time
in this business.
455
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,029
I am definitely
gonna screw this up.
456
00:22:43,062 --> 00:22:45,331
Well, don't tell me that.
Jesus.
457
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:46,699
We had our little
heart-to-heart.
458
00:22:46,733 --> 00:22:48,701
We experienced
some growth, right?
459
00:22:48,735 --> 00:22:50,236
I'm invested in you now.
460
00:22:50,269 --> 00:22:52,371
Nock Nock is all you, baby girl.
461
00:22:52,405 --> 00:22:54,941
Don't fuck this up.
462
00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:56,443
I won't.
463
00:23:06,486 --> 00:23:09,556
(panting)
464
00:23:09,589 --> 00:23:12,124
(grunts)
465
00:23:12,158 --> 00:23:14,060
That was crazy.
How the hell
466
00:23:14,093 --> 00:23:15,928
did you survive that body slam?
467
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:18,230
I feel... incredible!
468
00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:20,366
The rage.
The electricity.
469
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:23,970
The devotion
of your entire physical being
470
00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:26,205
to the communal goal
of feeding
471
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:30,109
an endless vortex
of violence is...
472
00:23:30,142 --> 00:23:33,045
the most asinine thing
473
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:35,548
that I have ever done
in my life.
474
00:23:35,582 --> 00:23:38,217
To think that I wasted
even a millisecond
475
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,653
worrying about
whether I'm a quote-unquote
476
00:23:40,687 --> 00:23:43,456
"bad boy" when being bad
477
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:45,257
is so cheap.
478
00:23:45,291 --> 00:23:47,994
It's an empty goal
for the stupid
479
00:23:48,027 --> 00:23:50,897
that achieves
nothing substantive.
480
00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:54,000
Whereas my predictability
481
00:23:54,033 --> 00:23:56,503
has afforded me
a life that I love,
482
00:23:56,536 --> 00:24:00,072
an incredible fiancée
who's the reason
483
00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:02,509
that I'm having this epiphany
in the first place.
484
00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:06,345
I mean, maybe the true mark
of a bad boy
485
00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:09,415
is knowing that
you can be bad
486
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,183
but having the strength
487
00:24:11,217 --> 00:24:14,220
to not have to prove it
all the time...
488
00:24:23,963 --> 00:24:26,032
* I do what I want *
489
00:24:26,065 --> 00:24:27,700
* I say what I want *
490
00:24:27,734 --> 00:24:30,537
* I wear what I want *
491
00:24:30,570 --> 00:24:32,204
* I'm walking away *
492
00:24:32,238 --> 00:24:33,940
* You know I don't mind *
493
00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:35,608
* I chill by myself *
494
00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:38,978
* You know I'm flyin' high *
495
00:24:39,011 --> 00:24:41,981
* I'm way up in the sky *
496
00:24:42,014 --> 00:24:46,052
* Don't even have to try *
497
00:24:46,085 --> 00:24:49,956
* 'Cause I can see everything. *
498
00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:52,925
(dog barks)
499
00:24:56,028 --> 00:24:57,997
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
500
00:25:00,432 --> 00:25:02,501
-(faint rock playing)
-(people chattering)
501
00:25:09,576 --> 00:25:12,011
You're the Worst.
The final season.
502
00:25:12,044 --> 00:25:14,914
All new Wednesdays
at 10:00 on FXX.
503
00:25:16,949 --> 00:25:20,152
MAN (on radio, reggae):
* Don't run away from reality *
504
00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:23,255
* Don't run away *
505
00:25:23,289 --> 00:25:26,158
* Stay and face the fight *
506
00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:28,127
(instrumental continues)
507
00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:33,432
Better Things. All new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
508
00:25:33,465 --> 00:25:35,935
Starts February 28 on FX.
509
00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:41,107
(eerie chanting)
510
00:25:42,642 --> 00:25:44,711
(high-pitched screaming)
511
00:25:44,744 --> 00:25:47,546
(chanting continues)
512
00:25:49,048 --> 00:25:53,085
(singing in foreign language)
513
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:56,222
(woman warbling)
514
00:25:56,255 --> 00:25:58,224
(blowing)
515
00:25:58,257 --> 00:25:59,091
(flames roaring)
516
00:25:59,125 --> 00:26:00,292
-Oh!
-Aaah!
517
00:26:00,326 --> 00:26:03,429
(up-tempo music)
518
00:26:03,462 --> 00:26:05,097
(roaring)
519
00:26:05,898 --> 00:26:07,133
FX!
520
00:26:09,168 --> 00:26:11,437
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
521
00:26:11,537 --> 00:26:17,343
-(drumming)
-(horns playing)
522
00:26:17,443 --> 00:26:19,612
(fingers snapping)
523
00:26:33,159 --> 00:26:36,696
-Again.
-(fingers snapping)
524
00:26:36,746 --> 00:26:41,296
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