Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,004
[rhythmic snapping]
2
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,269
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
3
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,967
Starts February 28 on FX.
4
00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:16,451
FXX presentsYou're the Worst.
5
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,674
[heavy breathing]
6
00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:28,332
Faster, Jimbo.
7
00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:30,726
That's not helping.
Talk hot.
8
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:34,251
-Oh, my feet are so sweaty.
-There you go.
9
00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:36,688
Oh, I can't wait
to take my shoes off,
10
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,081
stretch my toes apart.
11
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,170
-Oh, yeah, keep going.
-Flex my arches
12
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:42,999
back and forth, back and forth.
13
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,435
Ooh!
14
00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:45,654
Oh, yeah.
15
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,308
Give 'em a little soak.
16
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,093
Oh, boy, they're so wriggly!
17
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,791
[Jimmy cries out]
18
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:55,490
Hut!
19
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,372
3:44!
20
00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:10,113
-Ah!
-I think I have the bends.
21
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,941
We broke our record.
22
00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:14,465
Jimmy, we could medal
in speed fucking.
23
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,380
Yeah, or we could just wait
until after the reception.
24
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:19,035
-Like people.
-Open bar, bro.
25
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,558
We'll be way too
schnozzled by then.
26
00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:22,604
-Huh.
-And you have to bang
27
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:23,692
on your wedding night.
28
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,389
Like how
if you break a mirror,
29
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,130
your grandmother's ghost
sees you masturbate.
30
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:30,525
Uh...
31
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:34,398
Can I answer any questions
about the venue?
32
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:38,141
Did the Goodwin sisters
really get murdered here?
33
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:41,492
Yeah. They were garroted
in the main hall.
34
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:43,146
All three of them?
35
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:48,586
Yeah, if you could just
give us a moment to discuss...
36
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:49,631
We'll take it.
Take our money.
37
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,328
Just take all our money!
38
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,764
Okay, then.
39
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,505
Uh, here's the schedule of fees.
40
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:58,422
Just read and sign
at the bottom.
41
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:00,859
I need someone to air out
the east annex
42
00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,774
and buy new towels.
43
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,950
Uh, is this a prank?
44
00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:07,605
This can't be the price
for a single event.
45
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,825
Just put it on a credit card.
46
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:12,654
Here.
Oop...
47
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,831
How many credit cards
do you have?
48
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:16,832
Like, 70.
49
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,529
Seventy?!
50
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,315
You're, like, 50/50
with flushing the toilet.
51
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:24,405
How do you remember to pay off
70 credit cards each month?
52
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,190
[laughs]: You don't need
to pay off credit cards.
53
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,105
When one stops working,
you just get another.
54
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,891
Um, how much do you owe,
55
00:02:32,935 --> 00:02:35,285
like, in total?
56
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:36,852
Who cares?
It's not real.
57
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,767
It's just some numbers
on a computer somewhere.
58
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,073
Why have you never told me
of your debt before?!
59
00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:43,250
Honey, it's ourdebt now.
60
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:46,383
Oh, my God, I'm marrying
an actual child.
61
00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:47,863
Not even a skilled one.
62
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:48,907
Just because we have
different ideas
63
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,300
about personal finance
doesn't mean
64
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:51,432
you get to patronize me.
65
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,347
It does if I'm
your literal patron.
66
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:56,480
Just lock down
the venue already.
67
00:02:56,524 --> 00:03:00,223
Ugh, I have to go hire
my replacement.
68
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,572
I'm gonna make these twats
Hunger Gamesit out,
69
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,313
see who wants it the most.
70
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:06,360
Well, since that will surely
lead to your firing,
71
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,884
I will whore myself out
to Hollywood for the both of us.
72
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,887
Why, because you're the man?
Please, Jimmy.
73
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,671
I can take care of myself.
74
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,717
♪
75
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:21,288
Which way is my job?
76
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,854
Yeah.
77
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:26,989
♪
78
00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,907
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway♪
79
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,083
♪ I'm gonna
leave you anyway♪
80
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,259
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway.♪
81
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,136
And he's like, "I thought
you were a veterinarian."
82
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:45,399
[laughing]
83
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:46,965
"At least now it makes sense
84
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,489
why you're cupping my balls."
85
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:50,186
[laughing]
86
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,101
"While you're down there,
I lost my keys."
87
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:53,320
[laughing]
88
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,931
-Ah, oh...
-Doug, I can't say it enough.
89
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,412
Thank you for doing this
with me.
90
00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,283
Please, I've been dying
to collab for years.
91
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,678
And thank you for
diagnosing my cat's cancer.
92
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:05,157
I know a tumor
when I feel one.
93
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,291
It was a tumor, and an important
lesson for us all.
94
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,467
Get your rectum
checked regularly.
95
00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:14,732
[laughter]
96
00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,125
Oh.
97
00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:19,868
I thought he really had
his finger up the cat's ass.
98
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,391
Let's take five.
99
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,785
I'm telling you,
this show's gonna be
100
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:26,440
a real tentpole for MetroPCS.
101
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,270
Soup?
102
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:33,447
I always carry an extra cup.
103
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,362
You know what they say:
104
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,886
you'll never be hungry
if you carry soup with you.
105
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,888
Ah, thanks, but I'm all
souped-up. [chuckles]
106
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:42,369
-[soup pours]
-Edgar, let me ask you something.
107
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:43,892
What do you think about Dutch?
108
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,373
Every time I work, I try
to take someone under my wing,
109
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:49,767
like a mama bird
or a sentient airplane.
110
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,595
Oh, well, that's nice.
111
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:53,728
-What is it?
-Ah, nothing.
112
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,338
It's just it seems like
Dutch is doing well.
113
00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:57,253
He's pitching,
he's contributing.
114
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,821
I'm the one too intimidated
to even open my mouth.
115
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,605
Yikes. I hope it's not me.
116
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:05,348
Oh, no, no. Uh...
117
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:08,917
My ex-partner made me question
my abilities as a writer.
118
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,484
Not to mention encouraged me
119
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,137
to get into a lot
of financial trouble.
120
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,401
Well, that sounds just terrible.
121
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,446
[slurps softly]
122
00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:21,364
I'm glad you spoke up.
123
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,410
[slurps softly]
124
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:30,982
Because I would be proud to
take you under my wing instead.
125
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,856
What about Dutch?
126
00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:37,467
What about that mongoloid
ginger fucking Sasquatch?!
127
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:38,990
Edgar, no.
128
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,602
You volunteered.
129
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:43,995
That's never happened before.
130
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:48,609
I'm gonna focus all of my
attention on you from now on.
131
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:52,177
And I insist.
132
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,484
[singsongy]: There's five kinds
of beans in there.
133
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,574
All right. [chuckles]
134
00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,750
[sighs]
135
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:02,840
♪
136
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,334
[marker squeaks]
137
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:23,470
[toilet flushes]
138
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,475
It was an emergency.
I had to poop.
139
00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,651
[laughs] A poopergency.
140
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:33,001
Lindsay,
toilet's not for pooping.
141
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,873
I can't poop at work
because of my new squeeze.
142
00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:37,832
He's the big boss.
143
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,703
I thought your boss
was that fashion ho
144
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,531
who wouldn't let me
nap under your desk.
145
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:45,579
Gretchen, Priscilla is a girl.
I'm talking the real boss.
146
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,232
And he's visiting
from corporate,
147
00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:49,234
so the whole building
is kind of his office.
148
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:52,368
-Check out our wedding venue.
-Holy...
149
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,022
Nice bones. Decent lighting.
150
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,850
That room back there
looks like a good place
151
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:58,243
to sneak a quick fuck in.
When can I see it?
152
00:06:58,287 --> 00:06:59,897
At the wedding.
153
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,856
Gretch,
154
00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,597
you shouldn't be
making decisions
155
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,250
without your maid of honor.
156
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:06,600
You'll regret it.
157
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:07,601
Are you threatening me?
158
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:08,645
I'm just saying,
159
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,952
who's gonna dab your butt sweat?
160
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:12,954
Or hold your weave back
when you're vomming up
161
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:15,870
a 12-pack of Sno Balls
you panic-eat before big events?
162
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:18,699
-You?
-Or slip Xanax in your bitch mom's
163
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:19,961
Earl Grey so she'll
164
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:24,356
chill the fu...
[extending note] ♪ Oklahoma!♪
165
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,707
What is the one thing
we don't talk about?
166
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:27,664
Politics. Math.
167
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,840
That one crow
who has it out for you.
168
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,103
What happened between you
and Matthew Perry. Coachella.
169
00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:33,627
[whispering]:
Your bitch mom.
170
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:34,932
My bitch mom.
171
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,499
Sorry.
172
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,675
Anyway, doesn't matter,
she won't be there.
173
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:41,504
-Why not?
-I'm not gonna tell my mom I'm getting married.
174
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:43,593
-Gretchen.
-If I tell her about the wedding,
175
00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:47,292
she'll get in my head and
I'll give myself a butt ulcer,
176
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:48,946
and then when I'm puking up
stomach acid
177
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,861
all over Court Seven in the
All County Mixed Doubles finals,
178
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,428
it'll be my fault
179
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,997
for being such a total disgrace
to Grammie Gretchen's name.
180
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,565
Oh, no, I can't do it.
I'm gonna kick it.
181
00:07:58,608 --> 00:07:59,696
Kick it? Till when?
182
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:01,785
Don't know.
I've been rescheduling
183
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:03,918
the same dentist appointment
for, like, 12 years.
184
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,616
-[chuckles] Idiots.
-Gretchen.
185
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,879
This isn't teeth,
this is important.
186
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:11,665
As your maid of honor,
if you don't call your mom,
187
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:14,189
-I'll be forced to call her.
-[gasps]
188
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:18,715
Fine. I will call her.
189
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,804
But when she destroys me
emotionally,
190
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,937
your dumb ass has to pick up
the pieces.
191
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,033
Ooh! You're hiring
the new Gretch today?
192
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,252
Trying to.
These Post-Millennials
193
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,690
with their high GPAs
and multiple internships,
194
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:39,910
as if being smart
and working for years for free
195
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,043
means you deserve an actual job.
196
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,045
[laughs]
197
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,830
Oh! [gags]
198
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,267
[laughs]
199
00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:55,056
Edgar, you're just in time
200
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:57,145
to help me convince
"feature people"
201
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:58,842
that I can adapt my own novel.
202
00:08:58,886 --> 00:08:59,843
I thought you weren't
doing that.
203
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,671
Yeah, well, I've come
to the realization
204
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,935
that there is some value
in experiencing the same story
205
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,851
in a secondary, inferior medium.
206
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:09,592
Like when you roast
a delicious hen,
207
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,725
then boil the bones
to make a soup.
208
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,074
Oh, so you're doing it
for the money.
209
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:16,381
Turns out that blockhead
Gretchen is drowning in debt,
210
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:19,733
so I have to get to something
called Culver City
211
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:22,823
to pitch my take on my book,
212
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,302
and I need your help.
213
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:26,653
Sure. Uh...
214
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,525
pitch away.
215
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,266
No, I need you to come
and pretend to be my assistant
216
00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:32,615
so I look important.
217
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,095
Jimmy, I'm a writer now,
remember?
218
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:36,097
-I'll pay you 100 bucks.
-Okay.
219
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:39,274
My Yeezys plummeted
in value again.
220
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,028
So...
221
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:56,944
why do you want
to be a publicist?
222
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:01,296
Actually, you made me
want to do this.
223
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,820
You mediated the weirdest feud
in hip-hop.
224
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,343
It's an honor to meet you.
225
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,084
Aw, that's so sweet.
226
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,913
-It's an honor to send you home.
-Wait, what?
227
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,873
Our La Croix budget won't
cover you. You're too thirsty.
228
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:17,704
Bam! You got Cutlered!
229
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,141
Mm-mm.
230
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:22,883
PR isn't just about
learning celeb secrets
231
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,494
and stealing retinol creams
from their swag bags.
232
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,061
It's about power.
233
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,672
Power over celebs
and the shit they don't need,
234
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:33,197
like retinol creams.
235
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:39,726
Surviving the next elimination
will be much harder
236
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,032
with lots of steps,
which will take many hours.
237
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,512
Come on.
238
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,297
Round two's at a bar.
I need to see if you can hang.
239
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,170
You coming, sausage wallet?
240
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:51,825
-Sausage wallet?
-Uh, no.
241
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:55,176
This is obviously a test.
It's, like, 1:30.
242
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:59,746
You're right. It is a test,
and you failed. Ciao, suck-butt.
243
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,358
Don't hug her.
244
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:06,187
She was Cutlered.
Ugh, I don't like it.
245
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:07,971
Find me a new catchphrase
by 3:00.
246
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,323
Uh...
247
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,329
And as Simon runs
from the hooligans,
248
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:21,332
he's actually running
from his own sexual awakening
249
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:22,856
at his uncle's knee.
250
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,988
But before he can
reckon with this,
251
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:25,946
he finds himself
252
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,599
in Primrose Hill,
253
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,733
its gentle swells reminding him
254
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:34,911
he has someone for whom
to survive this night-- Kitty.
255
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:37,827
-Oh.
-Mm. Love Kitty.
256
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,003
She's an incredible character.
Charming.
257
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:42,179
-Raw. Love.
-It's her movie, really.
258
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:43,964
Kitty's?
259
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:46,618
She's really the perfect
protagonist for today's climate.
260
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,620
Everyone is gonna
want to be Kitty.
261
00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:51,101
-Or bang Kitty.
-Consensually.
262
00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:53,016
Obviously consensually.
263
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,975
-Jesus, Sheila.
-Sure.
264
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:58,805
But to be clear,
Simon is the protagonist, so...
265
00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:00,371
Simon's running
266
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,243
from the hooligans
from his past.
267
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,332
I mean, certainly
we can all agree
268
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:07,683
that Kitty is a reprehensible
character, right?
269
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,252
She's immature, squalid,
untrustworthy.
270
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:14,342
That's what we love about Kitty.
Her messiness is aspirational.
271
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:18,999
What is? Her utter reliance
on everyone around her?
272
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:22,567
Or the way that she bankrupts
her father's cobbler shop?
273
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:24,352
I'm starting to feel
like you're not Team Kitty.
274
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,006
I hate Kitty!
275
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,790
Oh, what he means is that
he hates Kitty
276
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,184
because he hates himself.
277
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,273
Wrong! Love myself.
278
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:34,275
-Hate Kitty.
-Exactly.
279
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:36,190
It's why no one else
could write Kitty.
280
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,278
And it's that same
281
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:40,150
kind of hatred
that binds Kitty to Simon.
282
00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:43,719
And Jimmy to them both,
who are both... well, him.
283
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,242
Jimmy.
284
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,983
-Huh.
-Hmm.
285
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,773
[machine beeps, buzzes]
286
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,951
It's the garter belt.
287
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,170
Goddamn it, Rachel,
I told you to just stand there
288
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:04,696
and be quiet.
I know it's the garter belt.
289
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:05,915
Point to where you think it is.
290
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:09,876
Yeah, that's where
I thought it was.
291
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,312
[machine plays a tune]
292
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:14,968
Nice, Rachel.
You passed the test.
293
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,099
Wait, so you wanted our help?
294
00:13:16,143 --> 00:13:18,449
Shut up!
Half of PR involves
295
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,016
sitting silently
next to your client,
296
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,192
who will be annoyed
by the very fact of you,
297
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:24,194
like how you breathe
too hard, Rachel.
298
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:25,848
No one here is named Rachel.
299
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,241
[clears throat]
Bad news.
300
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,721
Turns out my big corporate boss
301
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:32,115
isn't actually a boss at all.
302
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:34,422
-He really is a janitor.
-Linds.
303
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,641
Did you think the janitor
was an undercover boss?
304
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:39,993
One of these times he has to be
an undercover boss. It's math.
305
00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,299
Can I set your purse down?
It's heavy.
306
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:45,128
No. Most of PR is carrying
other people's shit around.
307
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,087
Why are these basic hos here?
308
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:48,784
[sighs]
I am being thorough.
309
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,743
Goldman Sachs has
a ten-step interview process.
310
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,571
Oh, does Old Man Sachs
have all those steps
311
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,356
to avoid calling his mom, too?
312
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,575
All right, bitches.
313
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,751
New test. In PR,
314
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,015
you are often asked to pull tail
for your client.
315
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:04,278
Find Lindsay someone at this bar
she can bang
316
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:07,150
and realistically
fall in love with.
317
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,065
-But we don't know her.
-Go! -[snaps fingers]
318
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:14,766
And while they find someone
who makes my heart horny,
319
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:15,942
let's practice calling your mom.
320
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:19,162
-What? No!
-[Lindsay giggles]
321
00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:23,166
[clears throat]
Ring, ring, ring.
322
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:26,387
-Hi, Mom.
-Hello, Gretchen.
323
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:29,390
Your father and I were just
complaining about you.
324
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:31,479
Hi, Mommy.
325
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,133
Is there a reason you called?
326
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,091
Jimmy and I are getting married.
327
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:38,138
[shudders]
Well, I'm obviously aghast,
328
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:41,184
but someone whose sell-by date
has long since passed
329
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:42,969
might as well grab
the first immigrant
330
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,187
who needs a green card.
331
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,973
Jimmy loves me
and he already has a green card.
332
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,279
-I think.
-Did you schedule your Botox?
333
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:51,847
Do it now so your face settles
before June.
334
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,284
And only eat steamed fish
and veggies.
335
00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:56,112
-Mommy, I don't want to...
-Fine!
336
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:59,594
Gallumph down the aisle a fat,
wrinkled pig for all I care.
337
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,639
-I didn't say that!
-Have you just grown
338
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,598
so comfortable with failure
339
00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,078
that you don't even
notice it anymore?
340
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:07,384
Like how people who have
litter boxes in their house
341
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,430
get used to the smell
of cat shit?
342
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:10,779
What? No.
343
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,824
At least you'll be
his burden now.
344
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,174
-I hate you! I hate you!
-You've been nothing...
345
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,827
-I hate you!
-...but dead weight since
346
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,655
the day they cut you
out of my uterus!
347
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,353
Lindsay!
348
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:21,877
Oh, that's right,
run to the bottle.
349
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,880
I hung up on you.
You can't see what I'm doing.
350
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:28,623
Ugh. Time!
Bring it in, bitches!
351
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,844
You didn't specify a time limit.
352
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,063
Oh, well, you're Cutlered.
353
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:37,240
-Yes? No?
-Mm.
354
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:39,851
[sighs]
All right, Linds.
355
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,636
Which guy?
356
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,551
Neither. This is who they pick?
357
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:45,901
A wizard? Pocket shorts?
358
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,208
Hard pass.
359
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:49,600
You're both Cutlered!
360
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,560
Oh, it works.
You just have to attack it.
361
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:55,389
Thanks for no help
with that, dummies.
362
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:59,001
Call your mom. Do it.
363
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:11,579
Um, just wondering how much
longer the interview is?
364
00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:14,669
Oh, the real interview
hasn't even started yet.
365
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,932
Lightning round.
366
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,717
Let's Coyote Uglythis bitch!
367
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:22,546
♪
368
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:28,944
[quiet, indistinct chatter]
369
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,122
♪
370
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:45,004
♪
371
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:50,966
[grunts]
372
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,446
[sirens wailing]
373
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,100
[indistinct shouting]
374
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:55,753
MAN:
I'm gonna kill you!
375
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,589
Get her!
376
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,246
[retching]
377
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:13,206
Should we just go?
378
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,121
Is that what they taught you
at Mount Holyoke? To quit?
379
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,252
You know where I went to school?
380
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,254
I know about all of you--
381
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:21,475
about Thirsty's internship
at Dentsu.
382
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,564
About how No Drinks
went to Duke.
383
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:25,566
I know all about
your special skills
384
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,307
and all the languages you speak,
385
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:30,527
and all the hobbies you think
make you sound interesting.
386
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,878
Bouldering.
Indoor cycling.
387
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:37,099
Who stays in Girl Scouts
through high school, Debbie?
388
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,536
Don't listen to her.
She's a psychopath.
389
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,756
So all of this was
part of the interview?
390
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,366
The singing, the fighting,
391
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:44,672
the making out
with the random guy?
392
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:47,370
Yes! Wait, that was a guy?
393
00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:50,591
[gasps] Oh, goddamn it,
he had such soft lips.
394
00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:54,247
[sniffs] Your clients
will be terrible people
395
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,770
with no impulse control.
396
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:58,338
Musicians are babies
who will shit all over you
397
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,904
and laugh about it.
398
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,297
So you're not actually drunk?
399
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:05,345
I am completely sober.
[laughs]
400
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:08,565
Fooled you, Rachel.
401
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:11,960
[softly]:
Cutlered.
402
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,839
What a sham.
They trick me
403
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:25,365
into describing
how to adapt my work
404
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:28,498
just so they can pass my clear
roadmap along to some hack
405
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:31,501
who will strip away
all the heady eroticism
406
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:34,939
and write a film about
a quirky girl named Kitty.
407
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,332
You don't know
that you didn't get the job.
408
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,814
They said "Good stuff,"
at the end.
409
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,729
You think someone who'd been
rejected as often as you
410
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,383
-would recognize
when it happens. -[phone chimes]
411
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:46,995
Oh, crap. I have to go in
for a late-night writing sesh.
412
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:51,217
Hey, did I tell you I'm under
Paul F. Tompkins's wing now?
413
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,435
Well, at least you know where
414
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:53,654
your next paycheck's
coming from.
415
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,351
God knows when the first payment
416
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:58,833
for my next book comes in,
or the royalties on Width.
417
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:01,836
And whilst I wait, I'll have
to default on my mortgage,
418
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:04,186
sell my resplendent hot rod...
419
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:05,274
I don't think it's been
street legal
420
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:06,667
since Gretchen set it on fire.
421
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,452
And then marry that self-same
pyromaniacal redhead
422
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,237
somewhere cheap and disgusting,
423
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,241
like Reno
or some botanical garden.
424
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:17,243
I still think
you're gonna get it.
425
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,636
If they were to give me the job,
it would probably
426
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,900
only be because of your
offensive yet succinct
427
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:27,296
oversimplification
of my sweeping epic.
428
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,037
Thanks.
429
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,082
[phone rings]
430
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,959
Yes.
431
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:44,313
All right. Fine.
432
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,492
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
433
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:52,365
-I got it.
-What? Seriously?
434
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,715
-That's amazing.
-Do you know what this means?
435
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,020
You don't have
to worry about money.
436
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,761
I have to write a screenplay.
437
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,027
That's good.
438
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:05,334
Remember your soup metaphor?
439
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,597
Soup? Soup isn't food.
440
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:10,905
It's just bone water.
Seriously, Edgar.
441
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,429
All you had to do
was just sit there
442
00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:16,215
and keep your mouth shut.
443
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:26,964
Aw, shit.
444
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,097
Oh, did we bang?
445
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:32,143
How was it?
Did I do anything weird?
446
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,409
What happened to Rachel?
447
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:37,453
She had to feed her cat.
448
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,767
Did you do all this?
449
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,769
I like to stay busy.
450
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:51,511
I think I figured out
what the last test is.
451
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,774
Are you really afraid
of what your mom
452
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:55,341
will think
about you getting married,
453
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:58,082
or are you actually afraid
of what you think?
454
00:20:58,126 --> 00:20:59,345
You don't know my mother.
455
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:01,129
She withheld food, human touch
456
00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:03,566
and Breyer model horses
to control me.
457
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,959
After seeing what you put
yourself through today,
458
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,526
I think you can handle it.
459
00:21:06,569 --> 00:21:08,136
Whatever she says.
460
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:18,581
Hi. Sorry it's so late. I...
461
00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:22,759
Mommy, I have some big news.
462
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,548
DOUG:
What if we switch it up
463
00:21:28,591 --> 00:21:30,680
and make her the doctor?
464
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:33,509
Yes. I love male nurses.
465
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:36,469
But I hate how they never
ask doctors for directions.
466
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,601
[laughter]
467
00:21:38,645 --> 00:21:40,821
Yeah, they're real
Florence Nightinmales.
468
00:21:40,864 --> 00:21:42,475
[laughter]
469
00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:44,477
There's our title.
470
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,479
Where has this
Edgar been hiding?
471
00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:48,611
-Right here.
-DUTCH: You got to sing out more, man.
472
00:21:48,655 --> 00:21:51,571
I don't think we're gonna
be able to top that.
473
00:21:51,614 --> 00:21:54,008
Hey, Edgar, you want to take
the rest of the sandwiches home?
474
00:21:54,051 --> 00:21:55,749
Oh, man, my roommates
don't like when I take up
475
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:57,490
too much of the fridge.
476
00:21:57,533 --> 00:22:02,364
Oh, man. I... I really hate
to see food get wasted.
477
00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:03,800
Edgar, I tell you what.
478
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:07,500
I'll pay you a thousand dollars
479
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:10,285
to eat the rest of these
sandwiches right now.
480
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,547
[scoffs]
481
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:14,202
What do you say?
482
00:22:23,254 --> 00:22:25,735
Hell yeah, Edgar. You got this.
483
00:22:25,779 --> 00:22:28,477
I love watching people eat food.
484
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:30,261
Now the minute you feel sick or
even a little bit uncomfortable,
485
00:22:30,305 --> 00:22:32,786
you can stop, we won't
think any less of you.
486
00:22:34,657 --> 00:22:36,093
[mouthing]
487
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,444
Sandwich number one.
488
00:22:40,489 --> 00:22:44,188
So...
489
00:22:44,232 --> 00:22:45,755
did you find a new you?
490
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:48,105
Nah. None of them
really stood out.
491
00:22:48,149 --> 00:22:49,629
But Lindsay pulled a Lindsay
492
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:52,501
and boned a janitor,
so I'm gonna hire her.
493
00:22:52,545 --> 00:22:55,199
She's feeling pretty low.
What'd you do today?
494
00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:59,465
Eh, nothing. Just became
a professional screenwriter.
495
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:02,337
And locked down
our wedding venue.
496
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,991
[shrieks]
497
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:07,429
You whored yourself out for us.
498
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:08,909
Aw.
499
00:23:08,952 --> 00:23:10,911
I'm so lucky.
500
00:23:10,954 --> 00:23:12,913
I can't wait to marry you.
501
00:23:12,956 --> 00:23:14,567
I love you so much.
502
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:17,657
You've been mixing
off-brand cough syrups again.
503
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:21,312
No, Jimmy.
I called my mom.
504
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,489
-Oh, boy.
-No, it was good.
505
00:23:23,532 --> 00:23:25,708
It was, like, really good.
506
00:23:25,752 --> 00:23:27,928
We've never had
a conversation like that.
507
00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:32,933
We laughed, we bonded, she told
me about her menopausal dryness.
508
00:23:32,976 --> 00:23:34,717
I even told her
about the wedding.
509
00:23:34,761 --> 00:23:36,676
She didn't say anything shitty.
510
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:39,548
She was just happy for me.
511
00:23:39,592 --> 00:23:40,941
Seriously? That's it?
512
00:23:40,984 --> 00:23:42,508
She didn't trick you
into having the wedding
513
00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:44,248
in Missouri or anything?
514
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,728
Nope.
515
00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:47,730
Aw.
516
00:23:47,774 --> 00:23:50,298
Well, I'm proud of you
for calling your parents.
517
00:23:50,341 --> 00:23:53,562
That was shockingly mature
of you.
518
00:23:53,606 --> 00:23:55,346
-Thank you.
-Hmm.
519
00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:56,609
They think I'm marrying Boone.
520
00:23:56,652 --> 00:23:58,959
-And there it is.
-Good night.
521
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:01,744
♪ There she goes♪
522
00:24:01,788 --> 00:24:04,747
♪ There
she goes♪
523
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:08,272
♪ There goes my baby,
there she goes♪
524
00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:11,275
♪ She's so wild♪
525
00:24:11,319 --> 00:24:12,494
♪ Wild♪
526
00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:14,496
♪ She's so wild♪
527
00:24:14,540 --> 00:24:17,499
♪ Wild♪
528
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:21,111
♪ Wishful thinking's
got me blinded♪
529
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:27,857
♪ Got me losing all control...♪
530
00:24:27,901 --> 00:24:31,121
[dog barks]
531
00:24:33,907 --> 00:24:35,822
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
532
00:24:38,694 --> 00:24:41,741
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
533
00:24:41,784 --> 00:24:44,613
[gasps]
It's like Inceptionfor pooping.
534
00:24:44,657 --> 00:24:46,006
-[muffled screaming]
-[chiming]
535
00:24:47,442 --> 00:24:48,574
[screaming]
536
00:24:48,617 --> 00:24:50,619
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst. The final season.
537
00:24:50,663 --> 00:24:52,621
All new. Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
538
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,758
MAN [on radio, reggae]:
♪ Don't run away from reality♪
539
00:24:58,801 --> 00:25:01,587
♪ Don't run away♪
540
00:25:01,630 --> 00:25:04,764
♪ Stay and face the fight♪
541
00:25:04,807 --> 00:25:06,722
[instrumental continues]
542
00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:11,814
Better Things. All new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
543
00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:14,469
Starts February 28 on FX.
544
00:25:14,519 --> 00:25:19,069
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39264
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
