Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:04,004
(rhythmic snapping)
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,209
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,711
Starts February 28 on FX.
4
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,317
FXX presents You're the Worst.
5
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,055
* Hey, girl, with the boots on,
how 'bout you come this way *
6
00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:23,691
* So we can do something,
I looked all around the spot *
7
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,659
* There's some cool ones *
8
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,928
* But ain't nobody more
beautiful than you, hon *
9
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,997
* Come on, dance with me,
baby girl, move something *
10
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,266
* Baby, we can get it in
like a shoehorn *
11
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,935
* Oh! *
12
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,738
GRETCHEN:
I think I follow too many porn sites.
13
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,673
-JIMMY:
How many do you follow? -So many.
14
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,275
But I'm paranoid if I cut one,
15
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,910
I'm gonna miss out
on some really good stuff.
16
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,178
Well, then don't unfollow any.
17
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,713
But every time
I pick up my phone,
18
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,748
it takes me, like, an hour
to scroll through everything.
19
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:50,618
Longer if I get all horned up
in the middle.
20
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,087
Yeah... No, actually,
it sounds like
21
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:58,025
you're in a terrible dilemma,
about which I empathize fully.
22
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,027
Aw, thanks, Jimmy.
23
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,062
You see, I didn't try to fix
your problem, I just empathized,
24
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,897
like you taught me, like a girl.
25
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,766
I appreciate that.
I feel very heard.
26
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,635
-Hmm.
-Now fix my problem.
27
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,103
EDGAR:
So, hey.
28
00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,938
You know how you guys have been
visiting wedding planners,
29
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:13,040
and no one's lived up
to your standards?
30
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,875
-We think we know why.
-Because we've been
31
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,211
lying to them
for our own amusement?
32
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:21,249
Great work, Eugène François
Vidocq, first private detective
33
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,317
-and father
of modern criminology. -(pounds table)
34
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,453
Jimmy, please!
We're talking.
35
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:29,390
It's because
they don't know you.
36
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,925
Because we've been lying
to them.
37
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,995
Really, Edgar, what part of...?
38
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:37,798
(Edgar clears throat)
39
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,100
Who better to plan
the most important day
40
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:44,272
of your lives than the two most
important people in your lives?
41
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,807
LINDSAY: So, first of all,
we were thinking something like
42
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,343
August 7... think about it:
43
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,945
midpoint of summer,
clear of any holidays.
44
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,614
9/11 is just around the corner.
45
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,583
Isn't August 7 your birthday?
46
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:59,019
I know it's Charlize Theron's.
47
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:02,656
Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.
(giggles)
48
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:06,527
Spitballing here--
what if we combine celebrations?
49
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,562
There's not going to be
a wedding.
50
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,867
-What?! No.
-This is your natural goddamn end point
51
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,503
-we're working toward here...
-You guys cannot break up again.
52
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,371
It's like we keep doing
the same thing over and over,
53
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:18,472
and it's too much for my heart.
54
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,107
You're like two ruined ladies
from the past...
55
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,210
You're the pin in my grenade,
and you do not want
56
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,811
-to pull that pin!
-...so close to having the birthday of my dreams.
57
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,779
Oh, my God, shut up.
58
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:29,350
Look, we're getting married,
we're just not having a wedding.
59
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:32,220
In, like... (gasps) ten hours.
60
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,457
We're eloping, suckas!
61
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,660
Wasting hella time with those
bunk-ass wedding planners
62
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,795
made us realize we can just walk
right into the courthouse
63
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,465
and do this damn thing like
we're paying a parking ticket.
64
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,034
Oh, but that reminds me, I have,
like, 20 parking tickets to pay.
65
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,838
(sighs) Well, let's bring them.
Where are they?
66
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,039
(grunts "I don't know")
67
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:55,976
I can't believe
this is happening.
68
00:02:56,009 --> 00:03:00,147
Come on, let's go lay down.
69
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,082
So, what you up to today,
70
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,151
besides locking yourself down
a hunk?
71
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,487
Coffee, e-mail...
might try to squeeze in
72
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,055
a little nap before lunch. You?
73
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:10,358
Oh, I've got my first meeting
for the movie adaptation
74
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,759
of The Width of a Peach.
75
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:15,263
So, I have to drive to the west
side, which is a whole thing.
76
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,097
Ugh. Eat dicks, west.
77
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:21,201
Oh, um... this came
in the post for you.
78
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:26,374
Well, I am off. I shall return
a much maligned Hollywood elite.
79
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,376
I'll see you at 4:30.
80
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,777
Oh, we'll be right by
the two-dollar theater.
81
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,211
They're showing
that Liam Neeson zeppelin movie.
82
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:33,180
(gruffly):
He wasn't asking for trouble.
83
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,316
Trouble found him.
84
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,554
(door opens, closes)
85
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,590
*
86
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:50,598
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
87
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,634
* I'm gonna
leave you anyway *
88
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,102
* I'm gonna leave you anyway. *
89
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,343
(indistinct chatter)
90
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,915
(indistinct radio transmission)
91
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,888
Sir...
92
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,624
(continues indistinctly)
93
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,332
It's finally happening.
94
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:35,443
Called it, I called it!
95
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,678
It's mine. I called it.
96
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,347
(laughs)
97
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,049
(hums)
98
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:47,355
Hot, hot, not.
99
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,324
-Maybe without the braces.
-LINDSAY: Gretch?
100
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:54,928
Has your office gotten bigger
or have I gotten smaller?
101
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,030
Neither. I have had my eye
on this office for years,
102
00:04:57,064 --> 00:05:00,033
so I took advantage
of the current cultural climate
103
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,370
and enacted
some personal reparations
104
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,971
on behalf of women everywhere.
105
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,606
You "Me Too-ed" a dude
for his office?
106
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:09,377
You know it!
And here's the best part.
107
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:12,346
(gasps)
Holy shit.
108
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,882
A bathroom in an office?
109
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,351
It's like Inception for pooping.
110
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:20,354
(gasps) Oh, and it has one
of those fancy Japanese toilets
111
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,223
that washes your butt
when you forget how to wipe.
112
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,525
-Ah!
-But, but...
113
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,794
Prima nocta, bitch.
114
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,429
I break him in.
115
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:38,406
-So, what's up?
-(sighs)
116
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,375
I really think you're going
to regret not having a wedding.
117
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,210
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
118
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,379
Just rent out a Chuck E. Cheese
or something.
119
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,347
This isn't about
our birthday/wedding.
120
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:51,184
I just wanted to tell you
marriage is hard.
121
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,754
Your wedding day
is the one day it's fun.
122
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,824
Seriously, it's all downhill
after the wedding.
123
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,392
That's just gravity.
124
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,394
You're gonna go against gravity?
(snickers)
125
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,396
I don't think so,
Sandra Bullock,
126
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,498
star of the hit film Gravity.
127
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:06,567
-What?
-I want a party!
128
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,735
Lindsay, stop.
129
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,237
Eloping is fine
because the point
130
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,272
is being hitched,
not getting hitched,
131
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,208
and if you'd ever actually
been in love, you'd know that.
132
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:17,044
(scoffs)
Why-why would you say that?
133
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,412
Because when you divorced Paul,
134
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,581
you told me
you'd never been in love.
135
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:24,452
Okay, whatever.
136
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,186
I have to go to day work.
137
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,422
You forgot your dry cleaning.
138
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,190
It's not my dry cleaning.
139
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,026
It's actually a wedding dress
I stole for you from work.
140
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,463
I brought it in case
you didn't want to look shitty
141
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,731
at your fake-ass non-wedding.
142
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:45,238
-Gretchen?
-I called it!
143
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:50,077
No, we just wanted to thank you
for speaking out about Ryan.
144
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:54,648
Ryan? Wait. This guy?
145
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,283
He really was a harasser?
146
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:59,587
U-Um, yeah.
147
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:03,256
Anyway, thanks. You're a hero.
148
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,295
I am a hero.
149
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,466
(laughter)
150
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,468
We're just so excited, Jimmy.
151
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:17,571
I still can't believe that my
book is being made into a movie.
152
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,573
-(chuckles)
-Well, believe it.
153
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,576
Oh, I absolutely believe it.
I was being folksy.
154
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,444
This thing is getting
great reads all over town.
155
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,813
We're starting to hear
takes next week.
156
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,681
Takes? Oh, brilliant.
157
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,017
And obviously, we'll run
the screenwriter by you,
158
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,418
as a courtesy, you know.
159
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,686
SHEILA:
Thank you so much for stopping by.
160
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,955
And if you have any suggestions,
161
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,790
we definitely want you
to feel heard.
162
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:39,326
Wait, why would you
hire someone else
163
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:41,595
to write the movie of my book?
164
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:45,599
Uh... (laughs)
165
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,668
Great, you want to throw
your hat in the ring?
166
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,669
That's fantastic.
167
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,103
-Uh...
-DAN: Yeah.
168
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,840
Why don't you come back in once
you've nailed down your take?
169
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,274
-MAN: Dan.
-Okay?
170
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,309
-Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
-Ooh.
171
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,111
Great seeing you, Jim.
172
00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:02,950
Uh, that must be that,
uh, big 1:00 meeting.
173
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,418
I really should...
174
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,501
What's a take?
175
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,910
(groans) Stubborn bitch
is being such a stubborn bitch.
176
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,178
She doesn't deserve that toilet.
177
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,580
Lindsay, you're-you're
hurting my...
178
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,514
She said I've never been
in love.
179
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,149
How dare she criticize
my love life
180
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,585
when she's eloping like a poor?
181
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:38,886
This is bad, Lindsay.
Think about it.
182
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,921
If they're cutting us
out of this, what's next?
183
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,155
-Vacations?
-Dog adoptions.
184
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,356
-Babies?
-Shopping montages.
185
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,225
-Funerals?
-That dress was our last hope,
186
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,560
and she didn't even look at it.
187
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,729
Oh, this elopement
is a slippery slope.
188
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,664
And we're sliding, Lindsay,
we're sliding fast.
189
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,032
That's it.
190
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,935
I have to convince him
to have a wedding.
191
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,571
Oh, buddy.
192
00:08:57,605 --> 00:09:01,108
Oh, sweet, sweet buddy.
193
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:04,612
-Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet...
-What?!
194
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:08,081
Edgar, Jimmy is smart.
195
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,517
And you're, well, Edgar.
196
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,552
(scoffs) I'm smart.
197
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:15,956
I've been tricking Jimmy into
letting me live in his house
198
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,457
for the last three years.
199
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,759
Hate to break it to you,
200
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,629
but you're the dumb one
of the group.
201
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,131
(giggles)
What? No. You're the dumb one.
202
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,332
-No, I'm the hot one.
-I'm the hot one.
203
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,469
(chuckles)
The reason you think
204
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:31,138
someone else is the dumb one
of the group
205
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,240
is because that's what
the dumb one's supposed to think
206
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,775
to protect them,
207
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,044
'cause if you were dumb and sad
at the same time,
208
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,411
then you'd kill yourself.
209
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,915
Now stick it back in me
somewhere, dummy.
210
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:50,257
I'm not the dumb one,
you're the dumb one.
211
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,826
JUSTINA (over computer):
Gretchen?
212
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,829
Gretchen. Gretchen?
213
00:09:55,863 --> 00:10:00,067
Gretchen, are you okay?
Gretchen!
214
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,269
-Gretchen, is
our session today? -How's Iowa?
215
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:06,439
Oh, wait, literally no one cares
about anyone in Iowa.
216
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,642
Anyway, I am eloping today.
217
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,577
And you feel
conflicted about it?
218
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:11,578
Uh, hell no.
219
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,113
I feel great about it.
220
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,648
They teach you
to jump to conclusions
221
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:17,184
in titty-sucking bitch school?
I'm sorry.
222
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,019
-I know we're working on that.
-Thank you.
223
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,789
I meant titty-sucking
bitch university!
224
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:24,992
Oh! Goddamn it,
I am killing it today.
225
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,694
Gretchen, I have work to do.
226
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:31,264
(sighs) So, I was 100
on this eloping thing,
227
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,666
and then this box showed up
228
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:36,169
with this dumb
wedding dream book
229
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,638
I made as a kid.
230
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:42,109
And I'm still
into eloping, I just...
231
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,211
I don't know.
232
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,514
I'm just mad pissed.
233
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,516
-(sighs)
-I told my simple-ass brother
234
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:51,852
about this whole thing in
secret, and he went and blabbed
235
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,787
to his depressed
postpartum sad wife.
236
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:55,856
It's like, maybe focus
on keeping her
237
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,025
from drowning my nephew,
you loose-lipped dickwad.
238
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:01,061
Jesus Christ, Gretchen,
what is going on with you?
239
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,396
(scoffs)
It's this stupid book!
240
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,898
And on top of that,
241
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,533
Lindsay brought me
a wedding dress.
242
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:10,070
It's like the universe
wants me to have a wedding?
243
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,139
Sounds like you're more
in touch with what you want
244
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,207
then you realize, and if you're
still having doubts...
245
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,976
I should try the dress on?
246
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,511
I was gonna say go for a run,
but sure, Gretchen,
247
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,714
try on the dress
and see how you feel about it.
248
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:21,815
Cool.
249
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,717
I'm glad I figured that out.
250
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,085
I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.
251
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,187
It's $150.
252
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,923
And you owe me
for three months.
253
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,159
Anyways, I... (chuckles) I hope
you and Boone figure it out.
254
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,160
Who?
255
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,595
(chuckles)
Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.
256
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:40,067
Gretchen, you listen
to me very carefully.
257
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,402
Do not marry...
258
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,454
Yeah, I feel nothing. Nice.
259
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,097
(sighing)
260
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,565
(urinating)
261
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,378
-(water sprays)
-Oh!
262
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,414
(laughing)
263
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:34,587
Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.
264
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:37,991
(moans)
265
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,027
(water spraying)
266
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,665
How dare they make me audition
267
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,335
to write the movie version
of my book?
268
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,769
It's illogical
269
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,171
and insulting.
270
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,140
And if that's the way
that this industry works,
271
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,775
then I shan't be party
to any of it.
272
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:58,979
-No, I shan't indeed.
-Hey.
273
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,314
Let's not talk shop today.
274
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,818
Um, a toast. To your wedding.
275
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,820
-(groans)
-Since we won't actually
276
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,122
-be there, I just want to say...
-Edgar, Edgar,
277
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:12,292
Edgar, please, just save
yourself the mental exertion
278
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,695
you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.
279
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:16,930
-No, but you...
-Moreover,
280
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,099
if you truly knew us,
281
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,302
you would understand the
heterodox iconoclastic nature
282
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,471
of a spontaneous elopement
283
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:28,175
perfectly captures the renegade
tale of our amorous union.
284
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:31,778
-So just save it.
-Ugh, fine.
285
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,947
I did bring you here
to convince you to have
286
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,949
a real wedding,
287
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,318
but you painted such a beautiful
word salad just now,
288
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,288
I've changed my mind.
289
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,858
I guess Lindsay was right--
I am the dumb one of the group.
290
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,059
(snickers)
291
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,695
Well, I guess eloping
does make sense
292
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,797
considering all the people
whose weddings you've heckled
293
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,466
over the years who'd just
show up to bring you down.
294
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,004
(scoffs) Please!
I am un-bring-down-able.
295
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,405
Nah, but weddings aren't.
296
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,707
(scoffs) Remember what you did
to Becca and Vernon's?
297
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,509
Ugh, what a low-rent,
298
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,211
tacky affair.
299
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,247
I mean, the horrid music,
the wretched decor,
300
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,982
-my God, the food.
-(chuckles)
301
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,817
There was nary a burrata bar
to be seen.
302
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,587
Ooh, what kind of food
would you have?
303
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:18,926
Oh, well, my wedding would be
catered by Roy Choi,
304
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,594
-obviously.
-Oh, man, I love him.
305
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,030
The flowers would have
306
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,934
to be sourced same-day
from the flower mart, of course.
307
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:30,570
Color palette:
Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral,
308
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:34,574
West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.
309
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,710
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
310
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,247
Day of the event, fade in.
311
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,550
It's dawn at Adamson House,
312
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,286
and the fog is dense
over the Pacific Ocean,
313
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,956
like a perfect
Christmas pudding.
314
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,425
(water spraying rhythmically)
315
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:56,263
(moaning)
316
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,072
(grunts)
317
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,012
Omakase?
318
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,284
(screaming)
319
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:25,192
I'll have what I'm having.
320
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,937
-(water spraying)
-(shuddering)
321
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:41,674
And then a tasteful fireworks
display over the ocean,
322
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:45,912
scored to Mahler's Ich bin der
Welt abhanden gekommen,
323
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,982
would bring to a close
the greatest wedding
324
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:51,518
in the history of matrimony.
325
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:56,356
Resetting the very bar
to which all couples aspire.
326
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,458
As espoused by Will Smith
327
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,828
as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens
in Hitch,
328
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:05,932
"Life is not the amount
of breaths you take,
329
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,536
it's the moments
that take your breath away."
330
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:12,039
ALL:
Oh...
331
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,474
(sniffles)
That shit was beautiful, bro.
332
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,875
So when's this wedding?
333
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,545
Oh, that was all hypothetical,
lowly barkeep.
334
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:23,316
In fact, my fiancée and I
are eloping at...
335
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:26,186
-(phone chimes)
-...45 minutes ago.
336
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,620
Oh, dear God!
337
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,956
-What'd you do, bro?
-Jimmy, no. Jimmy.
338
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,659
She thinks I've abandoned her.
Again.
339
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,227
Oh, no, Jimmy.
340
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,462
I guess you have no choice
341
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,765
but to throw a real wedding.
342
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:51,411
-(phone ringing, buzzing)
-(water spraying)
343
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,446
(moaning)
344
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:09,262
(water stops)
345
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:12,065
(phone ringing, buzzing)
346
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,603
Oh, God.
347
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,383
This is my fault.
This was my plan all along.
348
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:32,452
Well, not this. Just the part
where I bamboozle you
349
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,221
into wanting a real wedding.
350
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,123
I didn't mean for you to leave
Gretchen at the non-altar.
351
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,557
(flicks lighter)
352
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,460
-I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
-Yeah, right.
353
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,562
We've already established
that you're the dumb one.
354
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:43,963
Nice try, though, dummy.
355
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,032
Quick, give me a tube sock
and some nickels.
356
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,867
I'll work you over,
basic training style,
357
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,437
and Gretchen will think you got
jumped outside City Hall.
358
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:54,207
Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot
359
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,908
would agree
to something like that?
360
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,310
Do it.
361
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,179
(yelling)
362
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:04,151
(both yelling)
363
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,757
Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.
364
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,892
-(whimpers)
-This is really hard for me.
365
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,995
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long
ago lost my survival instinct,
366
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:19,766
along with my gag reflex.
Oh, goddamn it!
367
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,434
I can't believe
I missed my wedding.
368
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,436
What the fuck is wrong with me?
369
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,138
Gretchen, Gretchen.
370
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,106
I know this seems
like a giant deal now,
371
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:30,177
but in a few years,
when you and Jimmy are...
372
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,612
Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen,
373
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,081
I thought surprising you would
work, but it worked too good.
374
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,416
I... (screams)
375
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,450
-Again.
-What?
376
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,652
No.
Honey, once was hard enough.
377
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,920
I-I couldn't possibly...
378
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,622
(Gretchen grunts)
379
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,123
That's for saying
I've never been in love.
380
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:46,359
Oh, Jesus, but it's true!
381
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,761
-(Gretchen yelps)
-(yelling)
382
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,698
Stop! Lindsay! Safe word!
383
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,166
(yelling trails off)
384
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,202
(panting)
385
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,049
How do I look?
386
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:13,186
Like Mickey Rourke
was stung by bees.
387
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,187
Perfect.
388
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,855
(Gretchen sniffles)
389
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,857
Sorry I said the thing
about you never being in love.
390
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,159
It's okay. It's true.
391
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:23,530
Just hurts to hear it out loud.
392
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,737
(Gretchen groans softly)
393
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,463
(tires screeching)
394
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,507
Oh, no.
395
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,609
My Snapple was in there.
396
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,081
(exhaling sharply)
397
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,485
(whistles)
398
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,429
I don't smell smoke.
399
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:34,701
And her car's not here.
400
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,403
(exhales)
401
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,572
Oh, I... I guess
we're safe for now.
402
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:42,208
I wonder if there's a way
that we can convince her
403
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,444
that you manipulated me
into missing the wedding?
404
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,246
Oh, you mean
my plan I actually did?
405
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,083
Yeah, but in my fictitious
version, it worked.
406
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,387
JIMMY:
Okay, listen, Gretchen,
407
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,055
I can...
Oh, my God!
408
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,124
What happened?!
409
00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:00,993
(voice breaking):
Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.
410
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:04,263
I got in an insane accident.
411
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,334
Like, an inch away
from being decapitated,
412
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,837
Final Destination insane.
413
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,672
Oh, Jesus, are... are you hurt?
414
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:15,508
Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.
415
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:18,945
Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.
416
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:21,314
Listen, the-the last thing
I'd want you to think is
417
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,116
that I'd abandoned you... again.
418
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,319
And, uh,
it's been absolutely killing me.
419
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,087
Wait. You didn't show up?
420
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,590
I mean, you didn't show up.
421
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,692
You didn't show up!
422
00:21:32,725 --> 00:21:35,127
Oh, what is wrong with you?
423
00:21:35,161 --> 00:21:38,998
You left me standing there
in this dress?
424
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:41,701
Do you know how stupid I looked?
425
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,337
Do you know
how humiliated I was?
426
00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:45,972
I'm so, so sorry.
427
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:48,541
You left me standing there,
428
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:50,843
waiting for you
429
00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:52,945
on the street!
430
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:56,949
Crying like
I'm in some bad movie.
431
00:21:56,983 --> 00:22:01,621
All the other couples in line
were laughing at me!
432
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:05,124
A homeless man hugged me
433
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,193
'cause he felt so bad!
434
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:09,796
(crying)
435
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:12,799
What is wrong with you, Jimmy?
436
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,634
What...?
437
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,369
Oh, Gretchen.
438
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:18,371
You just couldn't
help yourself, could you?
439
00:22:18,405 --> 00:22:20,573
(cries, sniffles)
What are you talking about?
440
00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:23,342
You little ginger fool. You say
441
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:25,912
you were "waiting on the street"
442
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:28,981
because you imagined City Hall
443
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,418
was just some sort of kiosk
444
00:22:31,451 --> 00:22:33,386
or storefront, didn't you?
445
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:34,821
No. I...
446
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,322
Because you've never been there.
447
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,357
Not to pay a parking ticket,
448
00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:40,393
not to get married.
449
00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:43,430
You didn't show up either!
450
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:46,165
Yes, I did. Why would I be
wearing this dress
451
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:48,501
-if I didn't?
-See, when I mistakenly
452
00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:51,404
drank through
our City Hall wedding,
453
00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:55,742
Edgar's first instinct was
to use his penchant for violence
454
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:58,911
to make it look as though
I was set upon by ruffians.
455
00:22:58,945 --> 00:23:03,349
Now something tells me, as
the twin dummies of the group,
456
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,418
Lindsay had
a similar moronic idea.
457
00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:07,954
It was my moronic idea!
458
00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:10,557
Mm. Uh...
459
00:23:10,590 --> 00:23:12,425
Fine.
460
00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:14,126
I missed it, too.
461
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,462
(sighs)
462
00:23:15,495 --> 00:23:18,364
-Sit down, Gretchen.
-No.
463
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,800
-Oh, come on.
We can figure this out. -No.
464
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:24,270
I know. I just can't sit down
right now.
465
00:23:24,303 --> 00:23:25,705
(sighs)
I missed the wedding
466
00:23:25,738 --> 00:23:27,440
'cause I was banging
my new toilet.
467
00:23:27,474 --> 00:23:30,076
It's a long story.
468
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:31,444
Actually, it's not.
469
00:23:31,478 --> 00:23:33,079
I just said the whole thing.
470
00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:37,083
So, neither of us showed.
471
00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:42,288
Do you think
there's some deeper meaning?
472
00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:44,123
(Gretchen sighs)
473
00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:52,198
Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.
474
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,802
I think I want a wedding.
475
00:23:55,835 --> 00:23:57,904
A wedding? Are you mad?
476
00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,639
He wants one, too!
477
00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:02,475
Tell her about the fog, Jimmy.
The Christmas fog.
478
00:24:02,509 --> 00:24:04,611
Oh.
479
00:24:10,517 --> 00:24:12,819
(Jimmy sighs)
480
00:24:17,189 --> 00:24:19,526
(sighs)
481
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:30,169
(laughter)
482
00:24:30,202 --> 00:24:31,938
YOUNG GRETCHEN:
Dear Gretchen,
483
00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:34,541
if you're watching this,
it's because I died.
484
00:24:34,574 --> 00:24:36,442
Just kidding!
485
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,511
It's because
we're getting married!
486
00:24:38,545 --> 00:24:41,047
If everything's gone
according to the plan,
487
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,050
you're a hot 22-year-old
marine biologist
488
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:46,886
who's engaged
to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
489
00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:48,521
22.
490
00:24:48,555 --> 00:24:51,023
-YOUNG GRETCHEN: He's so cute.
-You're no JTT, pal.
491
00:24:51,057 --> 00:24:53,693
Okay. So this is
the must-have section.
492
00:24:53,726 --> 00:24:55,662
A French lace gown
with a ten-foot train,
493
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:57,163
a chocolate fountain.
494
00:24:57,196 --> 00:24:58,831
New Kids on the Block
will perform.
495
00:24:58,865 --> 00:25:00,232
For the complete list, refer
496
00:25:00,266 --> 00:25:02,001
to the must-haves section
in our book.
497
00:25:05,572 --> 00:25:09,909
I know it sounds fun, but
marriage can be really scary.
498
00:25:09,942 --> 00:25:13,045
So, if you ever get nervous,
just remember
499
00:25:13,079 --> 00:25:15,181
you're making me really happy.
500
00:25:15,214 --> 00:25:18,250
And don't forget
to run everything by Mom,
501
00:25:18,284 --> 00:25:19,819
or you'll have to eat dinner
502
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:22,054
in the scary room for bad girls
under the stairs.
503
00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:27,860
So should we pick a date?
504
00:25:27,894 --> 00:25:30,597
-August 7 is a nice...
-GRETCHEN and JIMMY: No.
505
00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:33,065
("Baldy" by Mozes
and the Firstborn playing)
506
00:25:33,099 --> 00:25:35,101
(Young Gretchen continues
speaking indistinctly)
507
00:25:58,090 --> 00:25:59,558
Ah.
508
00:25:59,592 --> 00:26:01,994
-JIMMY: Ah.
-(chuckling)
509
00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:10,202
* Well, I know
this can't be right *
510
00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:13,940
* Ooh, ooh *
511
00:26:13,973 --> 00:26:16,108
* Well, that's no fear,
to fall behind *
512
00:26:16,142 --> 00:26:19,411
* Top of my head,
it's on the top of my mind *
513
00:26:19,445 --> 00:26:22,281
* Well, that's no fear,
to fall behind *
514
00:26:22,314 --> 00:26:25,451
* Top of my head,
it's on the top of my mind *
515
00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:28,721
* Well, that's no fear,
to fall behind *
516
00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:31,791
* My, my, my,
my, my, my, my... *
517
00:26:38,998 --> 00:26:41,968
(dog barks)
518
00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:46,939
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
519
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,011
-Do it!
-(both screaming)
520
00:26:52,044 --> 00:26:53,980
Oh, snap!
521
00:26:54,013 --> 00:26:57,316
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
522
00:26:59,151 --> 00:27:02,354
-(squishing)
-That was the mustard, not my butt.
523
00:27:02,388 --> 00:27:04,090
(muffled screaming)
524
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,558
-I want to party!
-Lindsay, stop.
525
00:27:07,059 --> 00:27:08,828
(screams)
526
00:27:08,861 --> 00:27:11,764
GRETCHEN: I think we might
be turning into grown-ups.
527
00:27:11,798 --> 00:27:13,465
Oh.
528
00:27:13,499 --> 00:27:15,668
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst.
The final season.
529
00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:18,671
All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
530
00:27:19,972 --> 00:27:24,143
(phone ringtone chiming)
531
00:27:29,515 --> 00:27:31,117
-(groans)
-ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
532
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,754
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
Starts February 28 on FX.
533
00:27:34,804 --> 00:27:39,354
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39007
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
