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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,966 After all this time, 2 00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:09,426 they're just gonna blow it up. 3 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,803 Okay, the housing authority says we've got two days. 4 00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:15,181 All we have to do is come up with three to five million dollars. 5 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,017 Titus? Check the paper for talent shows. 6 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:20,437 Circle any where the prize is three million dollars or more. 7 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,355 Lillian? How much are drugs worth? 8 00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:23,815 [CELL PHONE BUZZES] 9 00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:26,651 I hope you're happy, Jacqueline. 10 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,903 - Titus... - You got me fired from Cats, 11 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,238 and now I'm homeless. 12 00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:32,907 I can't live on the street. I'm not a car. 13 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:35,201 I belong inside, like Jerry Seinfeld's cars. 14 00:00:35,220 --> 00:00:36,230 [JACQUELINE] Titus! 15 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,372 Last night, Rafiki's understudy in The Lion King 16 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,666 got shot by a cop mid-performance. 17 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,918 They need someone today. 18 00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:46,379 Rafiki sings "The Circle of Life." I know that song. 19 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:49,174 And I have the arm strength to hold up a small stuffed animal. 20 00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:51,134 And thanks to me getting you fired from Cats, 21 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,385 you're available to take it. 22 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:55,221 Oh, black baby Jesus! 23 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,432 I'm an understudy in The Lion King. 24 00:00:57,515 --> 00:01:00,477 So who's my overstudy, and how hard will they be 25 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,979 to destroy emotionally, poison, or push down a flight of stairs? 26 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,272 [JACQUELINE] Don't get ahead of yourself. 27 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:07,192 You need to go to the theater ASAP. 28 00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:09,736 "Andromedon sings and performs." Got it. 29 00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:10,862 Okay, here's what we do. 30 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,280 You only need one kidney. 31 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,139 Between the three of us, we can sell five. 32 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,150 [TITUS] Sorry, girl. 33 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,786 I've got the role of this lifetime to get ready for. 34 00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:21,081 Ooh. That's exciting. 35 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:22,665 How are you so calm about this? 36 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,210 Well, maybe it's time to move on. 37 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,754 Maybe there's something else I'm meant to do. 38 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,214 Well, I'm not giving up. 39 00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,424 Lillian, stay here and guard our stuff. 40 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,218 I'm gonna get that money, 41 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:35,512 even if I have to hook for it. 42 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:38,556 - And what do you think that means? - Be a pirate. 43 00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,477 I know what I'm gonna do. 44 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,230 [GASPS] Oh, hey, kids. 45 00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,106 You wanna hear a ghost story? 46 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,735 I'm gonna blow myself up in there 47 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,278 and become a ghost 48 00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:54,405 and make sure that this neighborhood 49 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,616 stays terrible forever. 50 00:01:56,699 --> 00:02:00,286 And then I'm gonna come into your room at night, 51 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:04,457 and I'm gonna take all your gender-neutral dolls 52 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:08,044 and turn 'em into Chuckys! 53 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,712 [CACKLES] 54 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:12,715 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 55 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:17,780 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 56 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,305 [BANKSTON] Unbreakable 57 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,765 They alive, damn it 58 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:22,392 It's a miracle 59 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,476 Unbreakable 60 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,978 They alive, damn it 61 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,147 But females are strong as hell 62 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,231 Unbreakable 63 00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:29,440 They alive, damn it 64 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,067 It's a miracle 65 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,360 Unbreakable 66 00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:33,570 They alive, damn it 67 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:34,863 That's gonna be, uh... 68 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,824 you know, a fascinating transition. 69 00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:38,907 [SINGERS] Damn it 70 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,828 [INSPIRING MUSIC] 71 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:48,751 72 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,094 [GASPS] It's alive! I renounce God. 73 00:02:58,177 --> 00:02:59,971 Pay me no mind. 74 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:02,724 I rest my body here between shows, 75 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:07,353 because I'm losing my pinkie toenail to a fungus. 76 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:10,064 You must be my understudy, Titus. 77 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,900 I am Nono Folami. 78 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,820 And you're so very old. 79 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:19,157 And I can't wait to learn from you. 80 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,868 [CHUCKLES] I believe the elderly are our future. 81 00:03:21,950 --> 00:03:24,940 Let me welcome you to The Lion King. 82 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,240 Ka songa 83 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,874 Sanjaya 84 00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,959 [COUGHING] 85 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,462 - Oh, okay, okay. - [COUGHING CONTINUES] 86 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,380 [NONO COUGHING] 87 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,424 This is gonna be so easy. 88 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,509 I'm gonna kill an old lady for real this time. 89 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,220 [NONO WHEEZES] 90 00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,681 No! You can't take my desk. 91 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,561 Damn this tiny, beautiful body. 92 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,104 Jacqueline, I need your help. 93 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,522 Seriously? 94 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,180 I can't help anyone but myself right now. 95 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,235 And Gabe! 96 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:58,071 Gabe, lose ten pounds and shave. You're welcome. 97 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,114 Jacqueline knows my name! 98 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:01,199 No, no, no. 99 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,533 That's mine. 100 00:04:02,550 --> 00:04:03,570 [SIGHS] 101 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:08,623 Look, my home is gonna get tooken from me if I don't do something. 102 00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:09,916 So I'll write the book. 103 00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:12,961 [SIGHS] Not that Greebulax crap again. 104 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:16,422 It's Greemulax. And I give up on that. 105 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,133 Random House hated it, and then you hated it. 106 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,262 And now the tubes won't even do Zach's website for it. 107 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:23,346 Lookit! 108 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,640 503 errors? Come on! 109 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,017 I need money. 110 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,229 So if people want my story, I'll give it to them. 111 00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:32,814 All of the bunker stuff. 112 00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:35,858 Like the time the string broke and we lost a LEGO astronaut 113 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,610 up the Reverend's butt. 114 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,028 Forget about books. 115 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,031 You're like Idris Elba and his rap music. 116 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,534 Stop trying to give the world something no one wants. 117 00:04:44,610 --> 00:04:46,079 Just take your shirt off 118 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,320 and call me a dirty girl with an English accent. 119 00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:49,400 [SIGHS] 120 00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:51,124 [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT] She's a right dirty girl, innit? 121 00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:52,208 Not you. 122 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,099 Look, pretty much every woman in America 123 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,860 has been kidnapped or MeToo'd since you. 124 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,380 Nobody wants to read about that stuff anymore. 125 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,012 Well, what about TV, then? 126 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:06,097 Is Celebrity Boxing still a thing? 127 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,265 I'll punch whoever! 128 00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,058 But you're not really a celebrity. 129 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,060 What if I got all four Mole Women together? 130 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,979 They owe me from bunker. 131 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:14,605 And Gretchen just got out of jail. 132 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:17,066 The president pardoned her for being white and a six or above. 133 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,944 Look, thanks to the Internet, anyone can get famous 134 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,655 if they have a camera and a baby that laughs at sneezes. 135 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,365 [LAUGHS] I haven't seen that one. 136 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,368 But if you're desperate to make money, 137 00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:30,288 there is one thing that men will always pay for. 138 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,125 You know. 139 00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:36,210 The oldest profession? 140 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,670 Dinosaur lawyer? 141 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,130 [SASSY MUSIC] 142 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:42,175 Okay, if you like Mole-Woman-on-Mole-Woman action, 143 00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:43,509 just click the button below 144 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,511 and enter your credit card information. 145 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,555 All we need is a few million dollars. 146 00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,265 So let's get started. 147 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,644 Oh, no, us four women are trapped in this bunker. 148 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,229 Let's touch butts. 149 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:58,232 Oh, yeah. That's the spot. 150 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:01,235 Oh, no. I got bean juice on my modesty garment. 151 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,406 We only made ten dollars? 152 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,076 No, that was just from me, out of pity. 153 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,994 No one was willing to pay for what you did. 154 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,248 So I'm gonna lose my home. 155 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,334 [SIGHS] 156 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,419 [NONO BREATHING HEAVILY] 157 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:19,837 Whoa. 158 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:23,174 I always get so dizzy around stairs and wood chippers. 159 00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:30,223 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] 160 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:33,976 [CELL PHONE BUZZING] 161 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:38,606 - Hello? - [MIKEY] Titus. 162 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,274 It's Mikey. Is this an okay time? 163 00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:41,360 [TITUS] Well, 164 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,480 I'm training as an understudy in The Lion King, so... 165 00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:47,198 The Lion King? W-wow. 166 00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:48,379 I'm living my dream. 167 00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:50,283 And not the one where I get chased by Cap'n Crunch. 168 00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:52,578 Lookit, I'll make this quick. It's about my wedding. 169 00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:53,621 We got no one to sing 170 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:57,208 the "Mambo Italiano" part of a traditional Catholic Mass, 171 00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:59,961 and I was hoping, you know, 172 00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:01,337 you'd do it. 173 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:02,463 Please hold. 174 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:04,799 Nono, you're wise. 175 00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:07,093 Oh, it's just the accent, dear. 176 00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,762 Nono is as stupid as the summer wind. 177 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:13,015 Why in living hell would my ex ask me to sing at his wedding? 178 00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:14,030 One does not ask 179 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:16,519 such a thing of a Titus unless one wants... 180 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,022 ... drama. 181 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,232 Hey, Mikey 182 00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:22,358 Don't marry boring Andrew 183 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,818 And run off with me 184 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,445 And we'll adopt some ethnic babies 185 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,738 That is exactly what I wanted you to do. 186 00:07:27,790 --> 00:07:28,800 Andrew, I hate you. 187 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,241 I get it. I suck. 188 00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:32,118 [SPLUTTERS] 189 00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:35,329 [PRIM VIOLIN MUSIC] 190 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,665 I'd be happy to sing at your wedding, Michael! 191 00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:38,680 Great. 192 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:39,899 It's Saturday, three p.m., 193 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,140 at St. Mario's Churcheteria and Batting Cages. 194 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,504 I'll be there with bells on. 195 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:44,922 I love that outfit. 196 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:48,350 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 197 00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:49,999 - _ - 198 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,030 [JACQUELINE SIGHS] 199 00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:52,120 - _ - [SCOFFS] 200 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,515 [SIGHS] 201 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,684 Don't turn off the Wi-Fi! 202 00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:58,644 How am I gonna find a new office 203 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:01,189 or be surprised by which celebrities are black? 204 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:04,275 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 205 00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,821 Jacqueline, where's your furniture? 206 00:08:08,850 --> 00:08:10,579 Did it leave you just like Tripp, your husband, 207 00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:11,740 and all your rich friends? 208 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,993 [LAUGHS] No! 209 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,162 I'm in a prank war with Clooney. 210 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:19,165 For my next move, I'm gonna throw Richard Kind into the Grand Canyon. 211 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,543 Anyway, 212 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:25,463 I see it as a great opportunity to get a workout in... 213 00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,131 unless you skip leg day. 214 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,716 Never. 215 00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:30,760 Not even on the day my maid shot me. 216 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,595 [JACQUELINE] Hmm. 217 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:40,895 Did you see The Times this morning? 218 00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:42,063 Evidently, your former client 219 00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:45,358 "breathes new life into the role of Greg Catnear in Cats." 220 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:49,111 Don't worry. I won't commission Greg's theater salary. 221 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,321 Tripp's thriving, by the way. 222 00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:52,114 They're digging deep into the Marvel library. 223 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:54,200 Did you ever hear of a superhero named Glorbo? 224 00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:56,035 He's got, like, a knife and can talk to birds. 225 00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:58,329 Anyway, Tripp's Glorbo. 226 00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:01,123 Why would you commission Greg? 227 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,084 I'm the one who got him that job. 228 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,628 Oh, 'cause he's signed with UTI through 2021. 229 00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:11,092 I commission everything for the next two years. 230 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,471 Well, that's not fair! 231 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,224 [SARCASTICALLY] Oh, no! In show business? 232 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:19,350 Well, I'm not a lawyer, 233 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:22,478 but if you think it's unfair, have your legal team call our guys. 234 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,981 Unless George Clooney stole them too. 235 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,608 Or you could have dinner with me tonight. 236 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,236 Excuse me? 237 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:31,879 I'm just saying we'd be great together. 238 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,991 Think about it, okay? 239 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,951 I'd love to have you under me. 240 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,164 If you stand up, I win the leg-off. 241 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,336 [SIGHS SOFTLY] 242 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,547 [QUIRKY MUSIC] 243 00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:52,967 244 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:56,053 [GRUNTING] 245 00:09:56,137 --> 00:10:03,144 246 00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:14,322 Hey, when you become a ghost, 247 00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:17,658 can you haunt the scumbag who got me addicted to meth? 248 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:18,951 Aw, Charlie. 249 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,579 I can't haunt myself. [LAUGHS SPOOKILY] 250 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:23,539 [BOTH LAUGH] 251 00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:24,582 Ooh, ooh! Hey, Red, 252 00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:26,542 have you seen my photo albums? 253 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,419 I think they might still be inside. 254 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,046 And you think I'm walking up here 255 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,548 with three to five million dollars in my pocket. 256 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,009 But all I've got in my pocket is... 257 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:36,510 A pocket butthole! 258 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,095 Oh. 259 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:40,222 I'm sorry I couldn't get the money, Lillian. 260 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,183 Honey, it's okay. 261 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:43,559 It's time to move on. 262 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,061 Seriously? 263 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,687 But you've lived here for 40 years. 264 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,773 Exactly. 265 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:52,485 That's too long to be living someplace. 266 00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:55,613 It's too long to be living anyplace. 267 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:58,449 Besides, what I got planned... 268 00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:01,077 I'm very excited for it. 269 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,413 When they blow this joint up, it's gonna be 270 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,208 the start of a whole new chapter for me! 271 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:08,751 Wow. 272 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:09,919 What are you gonna do? 273 00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:13,255 I'm gonna be a New York legend, 274 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,926 like Joan Rivers or Jackie Gleason. 275 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,260 Oh! 276 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,762 They're both actors. 277 00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:21,597 Well, they were. 278 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,975 [BOTH LAUGH] 279 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,269 I'm gonna be just like them. 280 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,563 Well, I think that's pretty cool. 281 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,941 Oh, yeah? [LAUGHS] 282 00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:33,699 I was afraid to tell you 'cause I thought 283 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:35,402 you'd try and talk me out of it. 284 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,529 No way. 285 00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:39,031 You totally deserve to be up there with those guys. 286 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,200 Or down there or wherever. 287 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:44,370 Now you see why I need my photo albums. 288 00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:48,624 Because all the papers are gonna want a picture of me soon, 289 00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:51,127 to see what I looked like before I blew up! 290 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,837 Well, it might take a while. 291 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:53,921 For me? No. 292 00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:57,466 It's just gonna be like, boom! And I'll be everywhere. 293 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,427 - Kablooey! - Kablooey! 294 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:02,054 [BOTH LAUGH] 295 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:07,726 Things are looking up for baby Ty-Ty 296 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,020 God's favorite person 297 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:12,481 Is living his dream 298 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,567 Again, not the one with Cap'n Crunch 299 00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,694 Hey, Titus, are you ready to go on? 300 00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,404 - Nono's pretty sick. - I didn't do it! 301 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:21,532 - I didn't do it. - She's insisting on going on tonight, 302 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,783 but that should kill her. 303 00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,577 You'll be in the matinee tomorrow. 304 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:25,911 [GASPS] 305 00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,122 But no! Tomorrow's... 306 00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,290 Felix's wedding, I know. 307 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,251 Oh, I'm in your show now? 308 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,336 Nono has to be in that matinee tomorrow. 309 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,088 I-I'll nurse her back to health myself. 310 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:39,300 An understudy not sabotaging an overstudy? 311 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:43,179 I've never seen that in my 117 years as a stage manager. 312 00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,556 [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING] 313 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,600 It's a reverse Dionne Warwick. 314 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:50,769 [PLEASANT MUSIC] 315 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:57,067 316 00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,402 [NONO SIGHS HAPPILY] 317 00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,739 [MISERABLE MUSIC] 318 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,908 319 00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:07,119 [PLEASANT MUSIC] 320 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:14,210 321 00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,174 [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 322 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:22,718 Do you know what, Titus? 323 00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:25,346 I just assumed you were going to destroy me. 324 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:28,933 And I, I was going to poison you just like all the others. 325 00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:32,144 But you, you are just the sweetest thing! 326 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,896 That's what the diabetes doctor says. 327 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:36,607 Now, let me get you a cab, and I'll see you at tomorrow's matinee. 328 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:37,775 Do you know what? 329 00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:41,946 I am feeling so, so excellent thanks to you. 330 00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:44,240 I think I'm going to try one of those Citi Bikes. 331 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,158 No, no, Nono. [CHUCKLES] 332 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:49,745 Citi Bikes are just part of de Blasio's war on the living! 333 00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,372 - [SHRIEKING] Nono! - [HORN HONKS] 334 00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,666 [THUMP, METAL CLATTERS] 335 00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,752 [WOMAN SCREAMING] 336 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,172 [GASPS] Oh, God. 337 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,091 I have to be in The Lion King. 338 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:06,720 339 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,430 Xanthippe? What up, bitch? 340 00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,140 I've been working on my girl talk. 341 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,976 What are you doing here, you dumb bitch? 342 00:14:12,059 --> 00:14:13,519 Jacqueline said I could stay with her. 343 00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:16,272 I got an internship to run Newsweek for the summer. 344 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:17,815 Wait, you're rich. 345 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,483 Could I borrow, like, five million dollars? 346 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,193 What? No. 347 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,654 First of all, I'm not rich. My dad is. 348 00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,930 Second of all, I wouldn't give you five million dollars 349 00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:26,960 if you were drowning. 350 00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:29,577 Well, I wouldn't want five million dollars if I was drowning 351 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,453 'cause it would only weigh me down. 352 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,081 Thanks for saving my life, Xan! 353 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:35,249 [SCOFFS] 354 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,761 What do you need that much money for, anyway? 355 00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:43,048 The city's 'sploding my home, and Lillian's just, like, fine with it. 356 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,885 She's gonna go be a famous actor, which is great for her, 357 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,928 but I got nothing. 358 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:50,639 I don't know who Lillian is, but it sounds like she has a passion. 359 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,767 I'm majoring in finding my passion at Columbia, 360 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:55,519 and it's all about finding your passion. 361 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,023 So what's Kimmy Schmidt passionate about? 362 00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:02,234 I don't know anymore. 363 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,500 Zach couldn't even make the website right. 364 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:06,879 God! You have to stop telling stories like 365 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,880 I have any idea who you're talking about. 366 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,076 - So what am I gonna do with my life? - [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN] 367 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,537 Kimmy, help! I can't do both! 368 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:15,497 Then stand up and pee after. 369 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,417 No, I have to take over the role of Rafiki. 370 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,002 The baboon I understudy... 371 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,921 I know it sounds racist, but it's me, so I'll allow it... 372 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,255 got hit by a car. 373 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,049 I didn't eat her or anything. 374 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,426 But Mikey... the Mikey... 375 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,012 my ex-lover I pledged I would win back on a Mets cruise... 376 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:33,265 See? He's giving me context. I can follow this. 377 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:34,725 ... he invited me to sing at his wedding. 378 00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,268 Really? That's weird. 379 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,355 It is unless you think about it for two seconds, Kim. 380 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:43,108 He obviously wants me to make a big scene and whisk him away, 381 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,194 like in that white movie where they end up on a bus. 382 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,862 - The Graduate? - No, Speed. 383 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,072 [KIMMY] Oh, boy. I really don't think 384 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,657 you should assume that's what Mikey wants. 385 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,241 Girl, you know my brand! 386 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,339 He has to be expecting Titus 387 00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:56,080 to jump out of the giant calzone or whatever 388 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,958 and cause a devastating scene like Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video 389 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,167 but with breath support. 390 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,293 - Titus... - But now 391 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,754 I have to be in The Lion King at the same time as the wedding. 392 00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:05,381 I can't be two places at once! 393 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,800 I'm not like that vampire man from Quantum Leap. 394 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,510 Even I know it's Bak ula. 395 00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:11,428 - And I'm not letting you screw this up. - [CORK POPS] 396 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,764 The Lion King has been your dream for 20 years. 397 00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:15,140 But I promised Mikey. 398 00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:16,433 I'll talk to Mikey. 399 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,310 I'll tell him you're not coming because you have a show to do. 400 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:19,436 He'll understand. 401 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,604 [DOOR CLICKS OPEN] 402 00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:22,450 [SIGHS] 403 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:26,652 Eli signed White Talent up for the stupid agency softball league. 404 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,446 It was just me against ICM. 405 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,991 He's trying to destroy me, 406 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,535 like when Buckley Home Alone 'd those two burglars. 407 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,328 By the end, they were begging to die. 408 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,163 Jacqueline, those two guys were Mormons, and he knew it. 409 00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:41,792 But of course, Eli said he would back off if I sleep with him. 410 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,503 For reals? Like in bed? 411 00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:46,755 [QUIETLY] Oh, because my story's so boring. 412 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,841 I told you. Men have a one-track mind. 413 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:50,592 Then why didn't my webcam work? 414 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,178 Because what you did was confusing! 415 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,848 The Germans didn't even like it, Kimmy. 416 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,307 The Germans! 417 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,562 [TEARFULLY] I'm just trying to make something of myself, 418 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,897 be someone I can be proud of. 419 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,858 [JACQUELINE SNIFFLES] 420 00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,860 Kimmy, I need you to do the thing. 421 00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:12,239 [SOBS SOFTLY] 422 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:17,161 Ten seconds at a time 423 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:20,414 Just take it ten seconds at a time 424 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,083 [JACQUELINE] Now do the verse I wrote. 425 00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,920 I look up to Jacqueline 426 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:30,299 In a greatest human contest, she'd win 427 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,594 And she has the best hair ever 428 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:37,181 It's not from Norwegian cadavers 429 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:42,061 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 430 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,604 [KNOCK AT DOOR] 431 00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,981 Andrew, don't come in! It's bad luck if we see each other's suits. 432 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,107 No, it's Kimmy. 433 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,985 Oh. Hey. Are you Titus' plus-one? 434 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,029 Fill up at the salami hour, okay? 435 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:53,712 'Cause I don't have a lamb head for you. 436 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:57,076 No, I came to tell you that Titus isn't coming. 437 00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,037 Really? Like, he's not coming at all? 438 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,289 He's making his Broadway de-butt, 439 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:03,916 and it's a big one. 440 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,793 The Lion King? 441 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,920 That's, like, his number one dream. 442 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,047 Other than the one where he gets chased by Cap'n Crunch 443 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,715 and he wrestles him to the ground... 444 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,967 [BOTH] ... and the only way Titus can escape is to eat him, 445 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:16,178 and that's why he always wakes up thirsty for milk. 446 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:17,930 Yeah. It's a big deal. 447 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,683 Okay. So he's not coming. 448 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,228 I guess I'll just get married, then. 449 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,647 Wait, what did you think was gonna happen today? 450 00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,233 I don't know. It's just... 451 00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,818 this was his last chance. 452 00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:32,986 Who? Titus? 453 00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:37,366 Oh, my gosh. Did you want him to do something? 454 00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:40,119 Why do you think I asked him to sing? I know his brand. 455 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,411 I thought maybe 456 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:44,248 he'd jump out of the giant calzone and... and bring me back to life 457 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:47,292 like Madonna did with that hot statue in "Like a Prayer." 458 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,088 [GROANS QUIETLY] 459 00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,633 Is that meat? 460 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:56,093 On that boat, 461 00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:59,221 Titus said he would do whatever it took to win me back. 462 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,723 But then he never did anything! 463 00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:04,101 Bitch, he did so many things! 464 00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:06,270 He made up The Capist to impress you. 465 00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:09,773 He dated that straight famous guy just to make you jealous. 466 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:12,151 He learned about hammers just to spend time with you. 467 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,695 How was I supposed to know any of that? I'm Mikey! 468 00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:17,406 Well, do you wanna be with Titus or not? 469 00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:19,992 It's complicated. 470 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,286 My parents really like Andrew! 471 00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:26,582 And we called in a lot of favors to get 250 lamb heads, and I just... 472 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:29,585 Lookit, I don't understand how any of this works with two guys. 473 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:30,690 Like, who drives? 474 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,796 - Whoever doesn't call shotgun. - But I do know 475 00:19:32,820 --> 00:19:34,459 one of you needs to be the woman right now 476 00:19:34,460 --> 00:19:36,720 and actually deal with your emotions. 477 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:38,427 - [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN] - Mikey! 478 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,799 Come take a picture with Pupazza 479 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,440 before she has to go back in her suitcase. 480 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:43,807 You ate your pocket square already! 481 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,809 From 'cause I got the jitters! 482 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:49,229 [DISHEARTENED MUSIC] 483 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:55,777 484 00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:01,658 Looks like I won. 485 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:05,495 - [SIGHS] - Oh, Jacqueline, this is sad. 486 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,624 And I was the only person who showed up at Mr. Frumpus' funeral. 487 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,835 I almost hate to kick you out of here. 488 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,089 What? 489 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,466 I just signed a lease on the place. 490 00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,510 We need somewhere to hide our female agents after they give birth... 491 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:22,137 just until things get tight! 492 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,265 You know what? Go ahead. Destroy my life, 493 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,184 'cause I'm never gonna sleep with you. 494 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,811 What? 495 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:31,813 Jacqueline. 496 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,691 I may mix Ambien and cocaine... that's called "ghost spazzing"... 497 00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,860 but I never mix business and pleasure. 498 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,320 Oh, really? 499 00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:41,323 "Jacqueline, I'll stop if you go to dinner with me." 500 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:44,368 "We could be great together." "I want you under me"? 501 00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:46,840 Whoa, whoa, that was about business. 502 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,699 I wanted to take you to dinner to discuss 503 00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:49,789 how great we would be together 504 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,750 if you worked at UTI 505 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:54,795 as a junior agent, so... under me. 506 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,005 You wanna hire me? 507 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,757 I've been in this business since Billy Crystal 508 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,260 was doing blackface at the Oscars... 509 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:03,595 almost five and a half years... 510 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:05,597 and I've never met anybody like you. 511 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:06,932 Oh, sure. 512 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,685 This is all because you respect me so much. 513 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,478 I know guys like you. 514 00:21:11,561 --> 00:21:13,563 You could never see me as an equal. 515 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:16,441 - Jacqueline... - You only see me as an object. 516 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:18,770 I don't see you at all because I'm blind, okay? 517 00:21:18,780 --> 00:21:19,860 I'm blind! 518 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,670 What, now? 519 00:21:21,690 --> 00:21:23,799 [SIGHS] I don't tell people because 520 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,283 in this business, image is everything, 521 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:28,078 and that's the one thing I can't see: everything. 522 00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:30,747 But you don't act blind. 523 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,749 You knew I had no furniture. How? 524 00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:34,167 Confidence. 525 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,211 And also, I've mastered the art of echolocation. 526 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:41,008 [CLICKING TONGUE] 527 00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:42,384 [SNIFFING] 528 00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,094 Jacqueline, where's all your furniture? 529 00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,346 [CLICKING TONGUE] 530 00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:47,889 Knock, knock, party people. 531 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:52,060 [CLICKING TONGUE] 532 00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,186 Looks like I won. 533 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:56,315 So you... can't see me? 534 00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:59,067 No, I have no idea what you look like. 535 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,527 And I don't care if you're... 536 00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:02,070 [CLICKING TONGUE] 537 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,114 ... huge and flat and painted. 538 00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:07,117 - That's the wall. - Well, I don't care. 539 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,000 Because you're an amazing and brilliant woman. 540 00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:12,789 Okay. 541 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,499 Yeah, I guess I am attracted to you. 542 00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,711 Maybe the real reason I kept coming over here is... 543 00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:20,297 - [SMOOTH MUSIC] - ... just so I could click and smell you. 544 00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:22,466 [CLICKING TONGUE] 545 00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:24,051 [SNIFFS, INHALES DEEPLY] 546 00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,470 It doesn't matter that I can't see this face. 547 00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:30,060 - Um... - I'm sorry, you're taller than I thought. 548 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:32,059 I don't need to see you 549 00:22:32,142 --> 00:22:34,686 to know that you're beautiful, Jacqueline White. 550 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:39,483 551 00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:41,693 Oh, my God! Someone just threw a slug in my mouth! 552 00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:42,760 Who would do that? 553 00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:44,570 I was kissing you, Eli! 554 00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,156 Oh. 555 00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:48,450 Well, then throw that slug back in here, girl. 556 00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:54,122 557 00:22:55,665 --> 00:22:56,917 [TITUS] Kimmy, guess what. 558 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,169 Today at rehearsal, the musical director said I was 559 00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:02,923 the smoothest singer she'd ever heard and the loudest dancer. 560 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,175 And my agent sent me flowers. 561 00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:10,722 Well, Mikey was... 562 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,391 totes cool about you missing the wedding. 563 00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,603 Right. Mikey. 564 00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:19,022 I guess I am glad I didn't go and make a fool of myself. 565 00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,731 I heard that Danny Aiello's dog was gonna be there. 566 00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:27,781 I'm proud of you, Titus. And you sure inspired Lillian. 567 00:23:27,864 --> 00:23:29,950 I mean, who knew she wanted to be an actor too? 568 00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:31,118 An actor? 569 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,370 [LAUGHS] That's ridiculous! 570 00:23:33,450 --> 00:23:35,419 No, she's gonna blow herself up 571 00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:37,040 and become a ghost that haunts New York. 572 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:39,042 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] 573 00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:40,126 Wha-wha who know? 574 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,295 Girl, I thought you knew. 575 00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:44,631 She's been talking about it all week. 576 00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:47,551 When they implode the tugboat, she's gonna go down with it. 577 00:23:48,385 --> 00:23:50,178 Why haven't you tried to stop her? 578 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:52,305 'Cause I respect people's choices. 579 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,723 And I think she'll be amazing at it. 580 00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:56,309 Oh, my goodness. What time is it? 581 00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:57,727 What time is the 'splosion? 582 00:23:57,811 --> 00:24:00,272 - [STAGE MANAGER] Half hour. - [BOTH] Thank you, half hour! 583 00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:03,233 [FRANTIC MUSIC] 584 00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:05,318 585 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:08,321 [SNEAKY MUSIC] 586 00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:11,408 587 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:20,542 588 00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,837 [ARTIE, EERILY] Lillian! 589 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,756 Don't do this! 590 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,259 You have so much to live for! 591 00:24:29,342 --> 00:24:31,303 Why the hell are you talking into a bucket? 592 00:24:31,386 --> 00:24:32,596 Shouldn't your voice just do that naturally? 593 00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,598 Oh, so now you're an expert on being a ghost. 594 00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:35,974 Where'd you even get a bucket anyway? 595 00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:37,976 We've got plenty of buckets. Don't you worry about it. 596 00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,936 Look, you don't wanna be a ghost! 597 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,813 Sure, I do. 598 00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,232 I've been acting like a ghost for years. 599 00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,943 I scare people in libraries. 600 00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:49,571 I once trashed Sigourney Weaver's apartment. 601 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,630 - I... - Lillian. 602 00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:51,660 Intruder! 603 00:24:51,670 --> 00:24:53,074 - [GRUNTS] - Whoa! 604 00:24:53,090 --> 00:24:54,100 Ooh! 605 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:55,577 Damn, Mama. 606 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:58,705 But I didn't do it to the white ghost. 607 00:24:58,788 --> 00:25:00,707 That's not great. 608 00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:03,168 Listen to Artie, Mama. This ain't your time. 609 00:25:03,251 --> 00:25:05,378 - You're still so funky. - [BASS RIFF PLAYS] 610 00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:06,963 She certainly is. 611 00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:10,050 The two loves of my life. 612 00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:13,303 I can't wait to join you up... 613 00:25:13,386 --> 00:25:15,555 or down there. 614 00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:19,309 Say, what's ghost sex like? 615 00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:22,312 It's amazing. You completely merge with each other's energy. 616 00:25:22,395 --> 00:25:24,814 And there's no such thing as gender. Right, Artie? 617 00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:26,691 [LILLIAN GASPS] I saw that! 618 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,694 And I don't care what you two fruits say. 619 00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:31,571 I'm 'sploding! 620 00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,031 This city, 621 00:25:33,114 --> 00:25:35,283 this neighborhood, 622 00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,869 it's where I belong. 623 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:42,207 The gentrifiers thought they could get rid of me, 624 00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:44,209 but when I'm a ghost, 625 00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:47,504 I can torment yuppies and tourists 626 00:25:47,587 --> 00:25:50,048 for all eternity. 627 00:25:50,131 --> 00:25:52,259 It's a beautiful day as New York City prepares 628 00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:54,427 to do what it does best: 629 00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:57,597 replace something old with something terrible. 630 00:25:57,681 --> 00:25:59,766 The town house behind me is all set to go 631 00:25:59,849 --> 00:26:02,769 "boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room." 632 00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:05,105 Wait! Wait! There's still someone in there! 633 00:26:05,188 --> 00:26:08,066 [EXPLOSION BOOMING] 634 00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:09,484 No. Lillian! 635 00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,918 [COUGHING] 636 00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:29,212 [GRUNTING] 637 00:26:30,714 --> 00:26:32,424 [GROANS] 638 00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:35,135 I'm alive, damn it! 639 00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:39,472 Hey, can't you jamokes even blow up a building right? 640 00:26:39,556 --> 00:26:40,849 Look, I was afraid this might happen. 641 00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:43,018 The mayor says we can't use the good explosives. 642 00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:44,728 He's afraid a carriage horse might get hurt. 643 00:26:44,811 --> 00:26:46,479 What is wrong with this city? 644 00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:49,983 You can't get weak weed or strong TNT no more! 645 00:26:50,066 --> 00:26:51,526 [KIMMY] Lillian! 646 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,100 [LILLIAN LAUGHS] 647 00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:55,238 I thought you were dead. 648 00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:58,158 Well, in the '70s, I would've been. 649 00:26:58,241 --> 00:27:01,911 Back then, you could smoke reefer all night 650 00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:06,166 and still drive downtown to blow up the stock exchange! 651 00:27:06,249 --> 00:27:09,794 Ladies and gentlemen, in all my years as a New York None reporter, 652 00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:14,549 this is without a doubt the New Yorkiest thing I've ever seen! 653 00:27:14,632 --> 00:27:18,011 Hey, blow it out your ass, Georgiulio! 654 00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:20,305 I knew your father! 655 00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:22,182 And she's not done. [CHUCKLES] 656 00:27:22,265 --> 00:27:23,725 Hey! Another thing! 657 00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:27,479 Giuliani ruined Times Square! 658 00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:30,774 I miss the old Penn Station. 659 00:27:30,857 --> 00:27:33,568 SNL has not been funny 660 00:27:33,651 --> 00:27:38,406 since I hid in the bee costume around Belushi! 661 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:39,866 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 662 00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:42,827 [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC] 663 00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,329 664 00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:48,416 I am New York, baby! 665 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:52,670 And I ain't going nowhere! 666 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:54,214 [LILLIAN] Am I right? 667 00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:55,465 [LILLIAN LAUGHS] 668 00:27:55,548 --> 00:27:57,675 Move over, Sushi Raccoon. 669 00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:02,055 There's a new New York None Second to None New Yorker of the Year. 670 00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:04,224 [DOOR SLAMS] 671 00:28:04,307 --> 00:28:05,767 You know what's wrong with me, Xan? 672 00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:07,310 Ooh! I have a list on my phone. 673 00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:10,814 I take care of everybody except one person: the Kimster! 674 00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:12,315 "The Kimster." That's on the list. 675 00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:15,026 All I do is get sucked into other people's bull-sugar. 676 00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:17,404 I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life, 677 00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:20,573 but I spent the past few days dealing with Titus and Mikey, 678 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:21,939 singing to Jacqueline, 679 00:28:21,940 --> 00:28:24,680 trying to stop Lillian from blowing herself up. 680 00:28:25,161 --> 00:28:26,579 And here I am, 681 00:28:26,663 --> 00:28:29,457 homeless, jobless, horseless. 682 00:28:31,584 --> 00:28:33,128 [SIGHING] You're gonna be okay. 683 00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:34,754 "The first step toward fixing the world 684 00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:37,674 is remembering the good inside you is stronger than the bad." 685 00:28:37,757 --> 00:28:40,760 686 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:41,928 What did you say? 687 00:28:42,011 --> 00:28:44,292 It's from this book I'm reading for, like, the third time. 688 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:46,224 That's a magic trolley. 689 00:28:46,307 --> 00:28:48,947 It's not a magic trolley. It's science we haven't discovered yet. 690 00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:51,271 And it's not a kids' book. 691 00:28:51,350 --> 00:28:52,779 I mean, I got it from Buckley, 692 00:28:52,780 --> 00:28:54,860 but it's, like, an allegory for gender politics. 693 00:28:54,899 --> 00:28:56,568 The Legends of Greemulax. 694 00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:57,986 Yeah, everybody at Columbia is reading it. 695 00:28:58,069 --> 00:29:01,531 Wow. Whoever wrote it must be a beautiful genius. 696 00:29:01,610 --> 00:29:03,299 I mean, I don't know what he looks like, but I'm, like, 697 00:29:03,300 --> 00:29:04,700 obsessed with him. 698 00:29:04,701 --> 00:29:07,579 So you'd want to be best friends with the author? 699 00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:10,165 Whoever she is? 700 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,003 No! 701 00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:17,756 No! No! No, that's impossible! 702 00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:20,967 Exthipianne Porheep is based on you. 703 00:29:21,050 --> 00:29:22,677 Also, I don't know how to spell your name. 704 00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:25,388 You're K.C. Schmidt? 705 00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:27,515 You love my brain. Wanna see it? 706 00:29:27,599 --> 00:29:29,350 No! And that's not where your brain... no. 707 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,936 Why are people paying money for your ideas? 708 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:34,147 Wait. How are people buying my book? 709 00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:36,483 The buying clicky place isn't even set up. 710 00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:39,152 Oh, my God, do you mean a website? 711 00:29:39,235 --> 00:29:41,821 It's set up. It just keeps crashing 'cause there's too much traffic. 712 00:29:41,905 --> 00:29:43,281 [EXCITING MUSIC] 713 00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:45,867 The tubes are full. 714 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:47,952 I filled the tubes. 715 00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:50,789 716 00:29:50,872 --> 00:29:52,957 Wait, who's Turdgun the Pudding Man based on? 717 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:54,709 Titus. Got it. 718 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:57,170 719 00:29:57,253 --> 00:29:59,172 Call me Andy from Toy Story, 720 00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:01,508 'cause you're gonna have a woody for my buzz. 721 00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:02,884 What's happening? 722 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:05,637 I don't know if that was a bathroom or a ball pit, but... 723 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,806 [SNIFFS, CLICKS TONGUE] 724 00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:10,767 Shaun White? You wrote The Legends of Greemulax? 725 00:30:10,850 --> 00:30:14,020 You could read that but you just dropped a deuce in the ball pit? 726 00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:16,523 No, all my clients' kids are reading your book right now. 727 00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:19,359 LL Cool Jr., Tiny Lee Jones, Egg Paltrow. 728 00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:21,986 UTI has been trying to track down K.C. Schmidt for weeks. 729 00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:24,155 Well, you found her. 730 00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:26,574 That's right. I'm not Shaun White. 731 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,911 My name's Kimmy Schmidt, and I'm all girl. 732 00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:32,247 Well, your pheromones are a mess. 733 00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:34,119 Are you set up anywhere? 'Cause I would love to be 734 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,220 in the Greemulax business. 735 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,410 No, you are not poaching her! 736 00:30:37,502 --> 00:30:39,295 What do you want? Mighty Ducks tickets? 737 00:30:39,379 --> 00:30:40,880 You want Vin Diesel to dance at your birthday? 738 00:30:40,900 --> 00:30:41,909 You wanna split a baked potato 739 00:30:41,910 --> 00:30:43,460 with Katherine Heigl's mom at Peter Luger's? 740 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,218 She can't give you any of that. 741 00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:46,970 That's true. 742 00:30:47,053 --> 00:30:52,183 But, Kimmy, you once told me that you wanted to change the world. 743 00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:53,935 And I said you were crazy. 744 00:30:54,018 --> 00:30:56,104 I said you were dumber than you look. 745 00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:58,356 I said red hair is a sign of inbreeding. 746 00:30:58,439 --> 00:30:59,774 I think I'm gonna go with Eli. 747 00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:04,279 But I was wrong. 748 00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:07,574 You can change the world, Kimmy Schmidt, 749 00:31:07,657 --> 00:31:11,911 because you already changed the most important person in it: 750 00:31:11,930 --> 00:31:12,954 me. 751 00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:15,832 [TOUCHING MUSIC] 752 00:31:15,915 --> 00:31:18,585 Wow. You're incredible, babe. 753 00:31:20,044 --> 00:31:21,421 - What are you doing? - [MUFFLED SHOUT] 754 00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:22,672 I'm blind, okay? 755 00:31:26,092 --> 00:31:27,260 [DRAMATIC PERCUSSION] 756 00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:29,637 [APPLAUSE] 757 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,556 [CAST CHATTERS EXCITEDLY] 758 00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:33,057 [TITUS] That was such a rush. 759 00:31:33,141 --> 00:31:34,851 Oh, thank you guys. Oh, stop it. 760 00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:37,061 [LAUGHS] We are a community. 761 00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:38,985 Too bad you have no one to share this with you. 762 00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:40,900 What'd you say? 763 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,860 I said you have time to go upstairs for a few. 764 00:31:45,100 --> 00:31:46,195 [SOFTLY] Right. 765 00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:49,198 [DISHEARTENED MUSIC] 766 00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:53,953 767 00:31:54,037 --> 00:31:57,707 [DETERMINED MUSIC] 768 00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:01,544 Sir, how long would it take you to get me to Far Rockaway and back? 769 00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,212 Uh, 17 hours? 770 00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:05,381 Uh, five to sit in this chair before we go, 771 00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:07,258 two hours to get there, then my nephew comes 772 00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,551 to set up my chair out there. 773 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,345 Forget I asked. 774 00:32:10,428 --> 00:32:13,181 [MAN] Wait, stop! I can't live without you! 775 00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:14,390 I fell out again! 776 00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:18,478 [STIRRING MUSIC] 777 00:32:18,561 --> 00:32:22,023 778 00:32:22,106 --> 00:32:24,359 I love you. 779 00:32:24,442 --> 00:32:26,861 And I wanna spend the rest of your life together. 780 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,491 [TEARFULLY] Are you sure? 781 00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:33,076 'Cause black men live to 60 now. 782 00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:35,078 [TITUS] Than can ever be seen 783 00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:36,704 More to do 784 00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:39,666 Than can ever be done 785 00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:44,712 - It's the circle of life - [ENSEMBLE SINGING IN SWAHILI] 786 00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:50,718 And it moves us all 787 00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:55,014 Through despair and hope 788 00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:56,599 789 00:32:56,683 --> 00:32:57,934 Through faith 790 00:32:58,017 --> 00:33:01,938 And love 791 00:33:02,021 --> 00:33:07,777 Till we find our place 792 00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:12,657 On the path unwinding 793 00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:14,075 [ENSEMBLE SINGING IN SWAHILI] 794 00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:19,414 It's the circle 795 00:33:19,497 --> 00:33:21,791 The circle 796 00:33:21,874 --> 00:33:25,837 Of life 797 00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:29,424 - _ - [UPBEAT MUSIC] 798 00:33:29,507 --> 00:33:32,760 [GEORGIULIO] It's June 27, 2023, 799 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,639 and this is your George Georgiulio Georgiu-York Minute! [GIGGLES] 800 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:37,649 What? 801 00:33:37,650 --> 00:33:40,476 [LILLIAN] This train is now going super express. 802 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:42,395 Tourists and yuppie transplants alike 803 00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:45,189 were lost, confused, and afraid this week 804 00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:47,400 as the MTA rolled out the new voice 805 00:33:47,483 --> 00:33:49,736 of the New York City subway. 806 00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:51,420 Hey, the doors'll be opening 807 00:33:51,450 --> 00:33:54,031 on the wrong side of the train from now on. 808 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:57,118 Good luck, you honky sons of bitches! 809 00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:58,661 Ha! Yeah! 810 00:33:58,745 --> 00:33:59,996 [GEORGIULIO] In show biz news, 811 00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,998 Midtown rolled out the red carpet 812 00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:05,501 for Broadway star Titus Andromedon's feature film debut, 813 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:08,337 Sliding Doors 2: Tokyo Doors. 814 00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:09,922 And I had front-row seats 815 00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,883 for all the action. 816 00:34:11,966 --> 00:34:14,135 Thank you to everyone, especially myself. 817 00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:18,431 And, of course, my husband, Michael, and our beautiful ethnic babies, 818 00:34:18,514 --> 00:34:21,392 Keitha Hernandez and Cape Politano-Andromedon. 819 00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:24,353 [GEORGIULIO] Thank you, Titus, and thank you, babies. 820 00:34:24,430 --> 00:34:25,839 ... if you think Tripp Knob is getting 821 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,481 first billing above Greg Kinnear 822 00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:29,150 in the new Nom Nom movie. 823 00:34:29,233 --> 00:34:32,195 Whatever. This movie's just a paycheck for Tripp. 824 00:34:32,278 --> 00:34:35,198 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 825 00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:37,158 826 00:34:38,034 --> 00:34:39,452 Meanwhile, in Florida, 827 00:34:39,535 --> 00:34:43,164 where I came for the story but did not visit my mother, 828 00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:44,749 New York's own Kimmy Schmidt was on hand 829 00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:45,958 for the grand opening 830 00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:50,004 of Greemulax World at Universal Studios. 831 00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:51,964 I'm George Georgiulio. 832 00:34:52,048 --> 00:34:57,678 I, K.C. Schmidt, hereby declare the Grabagorn's Horn ready to ride! 833 00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:00,014 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 834 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,808 My baby made this! 835 00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:05,186 That means I'm allowed to ride it as much as I want for life. 836 00:35:07,271 --> 00:35:09,941 You did all this for me. 837 00:35:10,024 --> 00:35:11,359 I'm an amazing mom. 838 00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:13,611 We're opening a Grabagorn's Horn in London. 839 00:35:13,694 --> 00:35:15,655 - Wanna come with me? - Hell yeah! 840 00:35:15,738 --> 00:35:18,199 We have to brush up on our English. 841 00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,076 [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT] 'Ello. What's all this, then? 842 00:35:20,150 --> 00:35:21,719 [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT] Show my fanny to the swells 843 00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,453 for a threepence, I do! 844 00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:24,872 [LAUGHS] 845 00:35:24,956 --> 00:35:26,457 [CHILD] The ride is open! 846 00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:29,043 Oh! I'm first! I'm her mother! 847 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:32,088 Queen Lorianna the Wobbly is based on me. 848 00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:33,798 Welcome, knights! 849 00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:36,717 Ms. Schmidt, 850 00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:38,553 your books makes me feel safe. 851 00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:41,556 [HEARTWARMING MUSIC] 852 00:35:41,639 --> 00:35:45,226 853 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:48,020 [UPLIFTING MUSIC] 854 00:35:48,104 --> 00:35:49,814 Aw, fudge yeah. 855 00:35:49,897 --> 00:35:56,904 856 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:26,180 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 857 00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:27,476 [SINGERS] Damn it 858 00:36:33,858 --> 00:36:35,818 [GANGLY ORPHAN JEFF] Keep a smile in your pocket 859 00:36:35,902 --> 00:36:39,113 When the wolf is rat-a-tattin' At the door 860 00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:41,365 Just lock it tight 861 00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:43,284 Keep a dream in your heart 862 00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:47,371 And you'll never, ever want for more 863 00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:49,749 Unless you're in a knife fight 864 00:36:49,832 --> 00:36:51,542 Chin high 865 00:36:51,626 --> 00:36:52,752 Spit in the eye 866 00:36:52,770 --> 00:36:54,559 Of the folks who can't stop laughing 867 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:56,800 At the stupid things you've done 868 00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:59,759 [PLUCKY MUSIC] 869 00:36:59,842 --> 00:37:04,430 870 00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,765 Don't ever stop 871 00:37:05,848 --> 00:37:08,142 Even though your heart is breaking 872 00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:11,270 Don't look over your shoulder At the love you left behind 873 00:37:11,354 --> 00:37:14,607 They say life's too short But they're wrong 874 00:37:14,690 --> 00:37:18,819 It's so long 875 00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,697 Sometimes the only way to go 876 00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:26,994 Is to just go on 877 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:34,085 878 00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:57,316 - Good night, everybody! - Good night! 879 00:37:57,366 --> 00:38:01,916 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 63221

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