All language subtitles for The Simpsons - 30x15 - 101 Mitigations.WEB.x264-TBS

- Sync and corrections by ByDem -
- www.addic7ed.com -

D'oh!

Refill!

Kids,

is there anything better

than when a restaurant
misprints a coupon?

And with the money we saved,

your mom is getting a Swedish massage.

All the tension's going

Out of my body.

Now let's take one deep breath
of this classy place

before we go back to our lousy car.

Excuse me,

that air is the property
of this restaurant.

Fine, I'll give it back.

Good one.

Memory book.

Okay, kids. I admit we hustled

the restaurant there, but that's it.

I don't want you to think
this is the way

you get ahead in life.

Do not take advantage
of someone else's mistakes.

- Your car, sir.
- But that's not...

You see that, kids?

It's the kind of car
they don't make anymore.

Windshield that breaks into
a thousand glass razor blades.

Your lap is the cup holder.

Vinyl seats that can melt your ass.

God, do I want to drive it.

Oh... so useless.

This is the car I've always wanted.

You'll never have a car this nice.

You'll never have
a girlfriend this cute.

That's right!

And you'll never have
exhaust this toxic.

Oh, I need this.
I've always needed this.

Get in, kids, get in.

Dad, what were you just telling us?

This is morally wr...

Whee!

Pull every knob. Press all the buttons.

Find out what things do.

Don't you "chitty chitty bang bang" me!

Ooh, what's this crank for?

Duh, rolling down the window.

Hmm. How do I put on
the air conditioning?

Uh, you're doing it.

Aw, cool. An ashtray.

A full ashtray!

Uh-uh-uh! Bad, bad, bad!

Ah, smooth. Bad, bad.

Now, to tie them in a bow.

My husband... he's doing
something incredibly stupid.

Look at this beautiful color.

Seafoam. This is what
cars used to look like.

And what the sea used to look like.

Whee!

Whoa!

Put this on the list of things
we don't tell your mother.

Including the fact there is a list.

Aw, it's over.

Now, to teach you kids a life lesson.

Moments of pure joy
always have consequences.

We already knew that.

Yeah. Why do you think we exist?

Quick! Put on your innocent faces.

Innocenter... innocenter.

Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm sorry,
you gave me the wrong car.

The moment I realized,
I brought it back immediately.

You stole my car.

My precious 1957 Cadillac
Eldorado Biarritz convertible

in the original seafoam,
with the illegal brodie knob.

Oh, God. Tell me right now you
did not touch my brodie knob.

Absolutely not.

This is the brodie knob.

Oh. I was all over that thing.

You're in big trouble.

They're gonna charge you
with grand theft auto.

A lousy game but a magnificent law.

Listen, I'm sorry. Really sorry.

I just wanted to give my kids a ride,

show them the house I was born in,

show them the house I'm gonna die in,

then drive through
a cornfield for kicks.

Whoo-hoo!

I gave you the USS Enterprise,

and you returned with the Orville!

I am so sorry. You're absolutely right.

I'll get it fixed by a pro.

I'll get you a license plate
frame saying

"My other car is a..."
insert dumb movie reference.

Tron Legacy Light-Cycle. Well, okay.

I suppose I could allow you to...
oh, God!

No!

My mint condition copy
of Radioactive Man number one!

This was the comic I always wanted most

since I was an athletic, popular child.

Look, you're a nice guy.

When have you ever seen me
be a nice guy?!

I am pressing charges!

Is this yours?

Yes.

Simpson, get on the bike.

Put your arms around me.

Now, head on my shoulder.
Yeah... aw, that's nice.

And don't lean the same way I do

Or we're both dead.

Uh, by the way, you're under arrest.

Uh, doesn't the law say
I need a helmet, too?

Another law you're breaking.

Why are you riding a motorcycle?

It's not for fun! I got arrested!

That's worse!

Your Honor, I'm scared.
Okay, I screwed up.

If you'll permit, may I read
a speech in my defense?

Did your daughter write it?

Absolutely not.

Sir, if an opportunity came along

to give your kids
a memory they'll never forget,

wouldn't you hop in the driver's seat?

A golden day with their dad.

What could be more innocent?

All I know is that
as that gas gauge read empty,

our hearts were full. Full of love.

Love of what our country does
BEST: build cars 60 years ago!

I'm a judge. But I'm also a father.

A father whose ex-wife
only lets him see the kids

on summers and Christmas.
I don't need you to rub it in.

I find the defendant guilty.

Your Honor, I'm not the one
on trial here.

Yes, you are.

"Hire a lawyer," I said.
"Waste of money," he said.

This is what I spend my time
in courtroom audiences for.

This is my Starbucks.

Two weeks.
Two weeks to turn this around.

Lisa, can we get the state

to change its sentencing guidelines

in the next two weeks?

Ah, the legislative calendar
is pretty full.

And they take off
the second week for Easter.

Roman Easter! To the Byzantine
world, it's nothing!

I'm afraid we have to prepare
for the possibility

that you might go to prison.

The Arts and
Incarceration Channel presents...

When soft men do hard time.

What advice would
you give to a new inmate?

Everything can be a weapon.

I saw a guy get his eye gouged
with uncooked spaghetti.

You sound like you've seen a lot.

I've seen things and done things
I ain't proud of.

And I'm the chaplain.

I can't take this, Marge.

Maybe I can make peace
with Comic Book Guy.

Do you think so? He's an angry man.

His favorite thing is Star Wars,
and he hates Star Wars.

I'll talk to him.

Careful, Marge.
He's a lazy, overweight slob.

Don't fall in love with him.

Comic Book Guy,
my husband is really sorry.

Okay, he screwed up.
But he doesn't belong in prison.

I beg to differ.
That car is very special to me.

When I was young,
my father took me in it to...

- Buy comic books?
- No, not comic books.

Everything in my life
is not comic books, okay?

We bought baseball cards.

Look, we'll detail your car
and fix your comic book.

This is not about my car.
It is about me getting respect.

I want all the Little Lulus
five dollars can buy.

And make it snappy, Blobba the Hutt.

Jabba is actually quite slim!
For a Hutt.

Just get the Lulus.

Or I'll take my business
to Build-A-Bear.

Here you go. Five dollars'
worth of Little Lulus.

As for you, I am not budging.

Like the door of Superman's
Fortress of Solitude

when the Beatles tried to visit.
Pure folly.

That comic is noncanonical.

The only thing noncanonical
in my store is Snoopy

dressed as Sgt. Rock
for an ill-timed Vietnam war ad.

I see. Well, I'm sorry
to have bothered you.

Yes, don't let the door hit you
on the way out.

No, seriously. It's just been painted.

Oh. That's what being nice gets you.

Mom, Dad, I think I found
the answer on the Internet!

Lisa, nothing good
ever comes from YouTube.

Except ducks eating watermelon.

No, no. Sentencing mitigation videos.

People have had
their jail terms reduced,

or even gotten off death row

by producing slick
video appeals to the judge.

Finally, a way for rich people
to bend the system their way.

Mr. Burns got off the hook once

by using a video directed
by Guillermo del Toro.

Hello, I am, uh, film director
Guillermo del Toro.

Uh, when I was a young boy,
I fell in love with monsters.

Frankenstein's monster,
King Kong, Son of Kong,

Nosferatu, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla,

Godzilla's nephew Godzooky,

Mothra the caterpillar, Mothra the moth,

the Blob from The Blob...

and Godzilla's cousin, Sheldon Godzilla.

Lesser known but equally horrifying.

Monsters, yes.
But they are capable of love.

Which brings us to Montgomery Burns.

Oh, hello.

Did someone mention me?

From birth, he was not wanted.

Then came the real monsters:

the bullies that hated him
just because he was wealthy.

And maybe he rubbed it in a little.

But no one knows the real Mr. Burns.

I love Señor Burns.

Who are you?

He combines the ancient evil of Cthulhu

with the trim physique of Slender Man.

Señor Burns demonstrates
that in all so-called monsters

beats a heart. Thank you for listening.

And thank you, Georgia Film Commission,

for the 22% discount.

I'll see you wherever
free people congregate.

Like the Yale Club.

Wow. Maybe I've been
all wrong about evil.

Once again, Mr. del Toro
stripped away the darkness

and found beauty at its core.

Like that fish-snuggling movie.

Excuse me.

Ah... you told me you've
never been to Missouri.

You're right, honey.
Hollywood can solve anything.

Except its own lack
of creativity and diversity.

Now, how do we make this thing?

I think we should use a videographer.

There's one left in town.

I will do anything
for your wedding video.

Color, black and white, or
Polaroid Swinger, cha cha cha.

I gotta warn you,
my camera hand is shaky

because I have
a major vitamin E deficiency.

No problemo. It works fine if you just

nod your head like this...

You know, we could just do it ourselves.

Yeah. Those are the words
that are killing my profession.

Now you say nice things about me.

So what is it you're looking for?

Words or something? Uh, human words?

Okay, uh, Homer Simpson,
uh, well, real family man.

Yeah. Always brings his kids
into the bar.

Not one of them aristocrats
who gets all bent out of shape

when there's a mouse in his beer.

Hey, Moe. I need you to file a
serial number off a wheelchair.

Cut!

Hmm... Homer Simpson?
How can I put this?

Ah, we've never had an employee
get rehired so many times.

Homer Simpson has two children
enrolled in our school.

That's all I'm comfortable saying.

All right, let's see what you got.

I had to edit a little.

Homer Simpson. Family man.

Happy. Aristocrat.

Too. Cool. Comfortable.

Homer is a... grace to the family.

He is an ape... le father.

I warned Marge... marry him.

That's the best you can do? I'm screwed!

Not while I can use Final Cut Pro.

We'll start from scratch.

Using the only two things
people still believe in:

babies and dogs.

Sorry, Snowball, cats are polarizing.

Please...

just give us something we can use.

We're ready.

Oh, now the dog won't cooperate.

There's a trick that always
works with Kevin James.

He's a guy who gets off at 5:00

and comes directly home
to be with his kids.

He's incredibly generous
to his friends and neighbors.

In his spare time,
he loves PTA meetings.

Helping with the Cub Scouts.

Or just going to the movies.

This is Maggie, our baby.

And she understands what's going on.

She's never said a word,
but I get the feeling

she wants to say something now.

Nee... Da... dy.

What a man.

And now we pray.

Bless us, O Lord,
for this bountiful feast...

Not that prayer.

I must say, I am impressed.

So, unless the prosecution has
a rebuttal, I'm inclined to...

Not... so... fast.

Do you have a video, too?

No, that would be pretentious.

- Very well, then.
- I have a speech.

Comic book sales is
a very fragile field.

Kids hate to read,
the stores smell like farts

and bubble gum...

Then the things I cherish most...
my father's car,

my precious, precious comic,
and most important,

my dignity... were taken from me.

I'm just your ordinary
small businessman.

Never took anything from anyone.

But I did dare to think
I would be treated with respect.

I have so many fictional heroes,
Your Honor.

For once, please give me a real one.

Best. Courtroom speech. Ever.

Yes!

I will render my sentence tomorrow.

I thank you. Good night.

Boom.

Wait, wait, wait.
Do you want to go to a movie?

I'll go to a movie with you, Judge.

- You won't be available.
- Oh.

Dad, the computer says...

That computer has brought me
nothing but trouble

and sports scores while I'm at church!

A store in Ogdenville just put up

the same Radioactive Man comic
that we destroyed

in perfect condition.

It's my last hope at freedom.

I mean, how much could
an old comic cost?

- Are you done?
- No.

You can't be closed.
It's Tuesday at 4:30!

Do you not see the "closed" sign
written in Wakandan?

And I wasted high school
learning German.

Was fur eine Schande!

Well, German is Earth's closest
language to Klingon.

Come on in.

What do you want?

I'm extremely busy.

Mm-hmm.

I want to talk to you.

I see we have reached the
epilogue of our little drama.

No, not the epilogue.
Still plot. Still plot!

Look, I know we've had our differences,

but we can still be friends.

Like when Superman teamed up
with Lex Luthor.

That was an imaginary story
written by Harlan Ellison

because he wanted to get fired.

Well, maybe this will
tickle your ponytail.

The Ogdenville copy! It lives!

Am I forgiven?

I'm afraid not. No.

I don't have a choice.
The grudge is still inside me.

Which is also the name of
a low-budget Roger Corman movie.

Oh! What does it take?

How to explain what I am feeling.

Uh... look around. What do you see?

Uh... a bunch of stuff
that other people threw out?

Like a mirror, you see everything

but understand nothing. Get out.

Let's go.

Oh, my God! Oh!

Is that a season one
Welcome Back, Kotter key chain?

It is! The proof...

a John Travolta
who is happy to be there!

How did you get this?

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max?

He was the halfback in the family.

If you gave him a sandwich,
you got half back.

This is for you, son.

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

Are you gonna give me anything else?

Nope. One thing.

Homer, when you look
at your precious totem there,

how does it make you feel?

I never thought of it before.

I touch it all the time.

I feel unhappy if I don't have it.

Sometimes I dream about it.

I think I love it!

Well put. Now understand this.

Dah!

That is how you made me feel!

Now you see.

And you may consider
the charges dropped.

Let us shake hands, drink rice wine,

and enjoy Swedish Fish candy.

Are you saying I'm off the hook?

Yes. In fact, you may be surprised,

but you are now my best friend.

So I'm not going to prison?

No, you are going to Comic-Con with me.

Oh. Hmm.

Let me see, let me see.

Dad, just say yes.

Is prison still an option?

No. Not until you hold down
Harrison Ford

while I clip off his fingernails.

Let's get to it.

- What's this?
- Mitigation video.

When I first met Bart, I was
just a nerdy kid with glasses.

But now this blue-haired butterfly's

ready to emerge from his pupa!

Simpson, you think this is helping you?

Skinner's a jerk. Skinner's a jerk.

Skinner's a jerk. Skinner's a jerk.

Skinner's a jerk.

Skinner's a jerk.

Skinner's a jerk.

- Sync and corrections by ByDem -
- www.addic7ed.com -