All language subtitles for orange.is.the.new.black.s05e09.720p.webrip

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[indistinct chatter]

-[gate slams]
-[sighs] I know, I know, Red.

[in Spanish] I'm no Macaulay Culkin.

[in English] If at first
you don't succeed...

Maybe you should get used to failure.

[Piscatella breathing heavily]

-[grunting]
-[thuds]

[gasps and shrieks]

[exhales heavily]

[Blanca grunts]

[groaning]

-[Blanca speaking Spanish]
-[Piscatella groans]

[Piscatella grunts]

[both grunting]

[Blanca panting]

[groaning]

[both panting]

-Nice makeover.
-Can't say the same. [grunts]

[in Spanish] You shave a gorilla,
it's still a gorilla.

[grunts]

[gasps] What if it's all a plot?
What if he's still coming?

Head on the pillow. Head on the pillow.
We can do this, we can do this.

-He could already be here!
-Fantastic, right?

This place could use some
festive napkins and centerpieces.

How can you make jokes?

He's gone, all right?
We sent him away. Mission aborted.

And maybe that point just isn't connecting
because you just deep fried your amygdala.

Look, even if girlfriend,
I mean, comes strutting in here,

he's what, about seven feet tall,
dressed like an extra from Cruising.

I'm pretty sure I'll spot him
walking down the hallway.

-[sighs]
-Come on.

-Here, have a little drink.
-[exhales heavily]

Now, you should probably expect some,
uh, primo headaches,

a little bit of short-term memory loss,

even a soupçon of hellish hallucinations.

Let's try and sleep
through some of that?

Oh, I feel like my hot flashes
are having hot flashes.

That, too.

-[sighs]
-Okay. [sighs]

I'm gonna make you a cold compress,
because I am all in

on this whole role-reversal thing
we got going here, okay?

Every parent becomes the child
sooner or later.

[sniffles] But I didn't think
it would happen so soon.

It was for you, Nicky, and for my girls.

I wanted to slay the koshmar
so you can sleep at night.

This piece of shit is not the reason
we can't sleep at night, I mean...

Uh, the lights, the farting...

-[inmate snoring]
-...the snoring, the creaking...

I mean, the whole prison insomnia
jamboree, yeah,

but this schmuck is
just another instrument in the band.

[sighs]

But we love that
you were thinking of us. [clears throat]

I'm gonna grab the ice.
I'll be right back.

No, no, don't leave me.
Don't leave me alone!

I'm not.
Uh, nobody's ever really alone, Red.

We got a lifetime of regrets
to keep us company.

-[in Russian] How was your day?
-[sighs] Fantastic.

I discovered a whole new muscle
in my back I hadn't pulled yet.

-[chuckles]
-You?

Well, I soldered six more spindles
than yesterday.

-Oh... Ah.
-So much job satisfaction.

-Punching out early again, Galina?
-One minute early.

There should be some perks
to dating you, no?

My love and devotion aren't perky enough?

[alarm blaring]

Let me think on that.

Mmm-hmm.

[scoffs]

He's always talking about the places
he'll take me.

Odessa. Lake Chernobyl.
Then, nothing. All talk.

So break up with him.

What if he puts me on turbine duty?

Yuliya Ovechkova did that for a month.
She has the hands of an old woman now.

Fine. Waste your 20s on that goblin.

Is he good in bed at least?

I've never been with anyone else.

When you think of him, what do you feel?

[sighs]

-Sleepy.
-[sputters and chuckles]

-He's Relanium made flesh.
-[chuckles]

-[sighs]
-Hey. Look what I bought.

-Levi's.
-[gasps]

-Nadezhda! Where did you get those?
-A boy from the university.

He said they make the ass of the wearer
look like the Charlie's Angels.

-Where can you even wear them?
-A party. Tonight. He invited me.

-And he said I could bring friends.
-I don't like parties.

Soggy herring and accordion music.
Nervous men asking you to dance.

Oh, Galina, you have been going
to the wrong parties.

-[young Red scoffs]
-[young Dmitri grunts]

-You waited. [chuckles nervously]
-We're not waiting. We're just sitting.

Galina... I want to take you
to the Georgian restaurant tonight.

They have the greatest chakapuli.

[sighs]

We're going to a party.

After, then.

When does it end? 8:00? 8:30?

-When the sun rises.
-Mmm-hmm.

-You'll miss curfew.
-[both chuckle]

See? He's a hamster
in jackboots. [chuckles]

-A gerbil, Galina. Hamsters at least bite.
-[both chuckle]

How'd you get this number?

The warden, Caputo.
He said you could help.

Jesus Christ. Even when he's a hostage
he's making work for me.

Please. My son is in intensive care
and I need to see him before...

he wakes up.
Caputo said that you could help.

Just like that.

Look, I know you don't get
somethin' for nothin'

but what do you think I got to offer, huh?

You could free the hostages.

Well, how do I know that you are gonna
deliver what I am askin' for?

You don't,
but I seem to be your only shot.

Look, release the hostages
and you'll see your son.

Look, there's 400 bitches in here

asking for a whole lot more
for those hostages.

So don't ask their permission.

Look, what...
What's more important to you?

Your... your criminal peer group
or your child?

[scoffs]

Just to be clear... you are asking me
to fuck over everyone I know.

First lesson of business school.

-That was a joke. Hello?
-[phone clatters]

[indistinct chatter]

[Aleida] Holy shit.
[Margarita] Yeah.

She ain't gonna be able
to hide from all this.

You both gonna be famous.

When I wanted to rebel against my mother,
I had a few babies, packed some heroin.

-But this?
-Yeah, she really committed.

[exhales sharply]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Ma'am...

you cannot be here.
You gotta turn this car around.

Yeah, yeah.
No, I gotta talk to my daughter.

Uh, okay, family goes behind
this barricade over here.

I'm not family. I'm her mother!

Daya, it's me!

Don't tell them anything!
You got rights!

-Does she?
-I think you got rights!

-Hey! I see you seeing me!
-[Hopper] Ma'am.

Listen to your mother, you asshole!

-Okay, okay, okay, don't touch me.
-All right.

Don't touch me.
Sexual harassment!

You need to start the car
and back it up, please.

All right, all right, all right.
Okay. Okay.

What's gonna happen to Diaz?

We'll give her
a special sentence reduction

to thank her for being so honest.

Really?

[Fig] Let's see
what shape the guard's in.

That bitch going to Max till forever.

Where were we?

Think you was about to give us everything
we askin' for. [chuckles]

Cute.

Now, it is my understanding that
an education program is already in place.

Y'all seen any education program
'round here?

Mmm-mmm.
I guess it must've went missing.

"The Life Skills Initiative provides
inmates with practical skills

even more marketable
than the former GED program."

-Life skills?
-Mmm-hmm.

She mean pourin' cement
with that dude with the abs.

Man, we did that for, like,
less than a week.

[Black Cindy] Mmm. Six wonderful days.

And that beefcake put the semen in sement.

Cement. It's pronounced cement.

Now, tell me,
why exactly was that program stalled?

[clicks tongue] Yeah...

[stammers] I don't recall
at this juncture.

You don't?

They found a guard in the garden
all chopped up like Fancy Feast.

You really don't remember?
It was, like, four days ago!

Plus, that shit was dark.

-Oops.
-[Fig] Wow.

You girls have been busy.

So, now, tell me, was this murder
also part of your nonviolent protest?

The murder ain't the point.

The point is our education program
ain't never been no education program,

even before it was put on hold
for some alleged murder.

Manual labor without instruction
ain't an education,

and it damn sure ain't no life skills.

You think she'd be sayin' "ain't" so much
if we had an education program?

[Fig] I'd like to believe you.
Really, I would.

But, in light of these
ongoing revelations,

the injured guard you refuse to hand over,
it's tough. You lost credibility.

[sighs and pounds table]

Give me a second.

Come on, Watson.

You talk too fucking much!

[Fig] Where is she going?

[clicks tongue] She went to go
powder her argument.

-[breathes deeply]
-So...

-How's not being in prison?
-It's the best.

We have these fancy gadgets to look at
when we wanna leave a conversation.

All right. I'mma go pee.

[in Spanish] Bam! Irkutsk is mine.

-The fuck is Irkutsk, anyway?
-[inmate chuckles]

[in English] All right, excuse me.
Coming through.

Tryin' to live my best self, here.

[sighs]

[Piscatella whispering] Nichols.

Nichols.

[door creaking]

[Nicky] Is that you, hot girl?

[scoffs]

Look, hey, man, [stammers]
I'm really sorry I don't remember your,

you know, exact name
after we did the sex and all.

I just want you to know that, uh...

that does not mean I don't hold you
in a very high... [gasps]

[grunts]

Let me guess. [sighs]

You need to sacrifice a few more
for the good of the many.

I just wanted to tell you that it worked.

That Dayanara saved us.

That's funny. I don't feel saved.

-Well, we're still negotiating.
-So the end justified the means.

Look, I know how I am with a cause.
I know that I'm like a dog with a bone.

Or an angry dragon
on its lonely mountain of gold.

That, too.

I know she freaks you out...

Worthy Cause Piper.

And she freaks me out, too.

-But you're not sorry.
-No, I'm not sorry.

Because I believe in my side.

And you believe in yours.

[chuckles] Fuck.

Are we one of those romance novel,
red state, blue state couples?

-Like James Carville and Mary Martin.
-Matalin.

Or Maria and Arnold!

They always did seem like
hopeless masochists to me.

Maybe you're my Arnold.

[imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger]
It's not a tumor!

[chuckling]

-Do not ever do that again.
-[laughs]

No. Wow.

-And don't ever fuck the housekeeper.
-Sure.

[mumbling]

[footsteps approaching]

[woman chuckles]

Hello?

-Who's there?
-[woman chuckling]

-Are those friendly feet?
-[chuckling continues]

Jackpot! [gasps]

-What's good on an open wound? Lotion.
-Definitely.

-Shampoo?
-If it's got aloe.

Um, those aren't yours.

I told you the ghetto rats got
all the best bath products.

They gotta lotion up all the time
or they get assy.

-How would you know?
-I might've dated a black guy once.

Angie!

They're gonna, like,
revoke your Boston asshole card.

I believe the term you're looking for
is "Masshole."

[chuckles] Hey, we all gotta experiment!
You got Rumspringa...

-I got Clarence.
-[both chuckle]

[Angie clears throat]

-Is it true what they say?
-What?

"Once you go black, you don't go back"?

More like, "Once you go Clarence,
you piss off your parents."

Um, uh, uh, no.

No, that's not your...
That is not your domain.

You're not supposed to touch
other people's things.

What's this for, anyway?

-Got a secret baby around here?
-No. Point of order!

Now, if you're gonna keep stealing
and being culturally, um, problematic,

uh, you think you can set me free?

-She needs something.
-Yeah, but what?

Freedom!

No, that's not it.

Don't be scared.

Life's gonna be so much easier now.

[both chuckling]

[inmate snoring]

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

[indistinct chatter]

[gasps]

You okay, Red?
You look a little twitchy.

-Have you seen Nicky?
-No, have you seen DeMarco?

-No.
-Good talk!

-I thought Nichols was the doctor.
-[Lorna] Well, I gave myself a promotion.

I figure after two full days of nursing,
I'm ready to start doctoring.

Or... docting?

-Both, probably.
-Mmm.

So what do you got in here for depression?

Well, we got, uh, Zoloft and the Lexapro,

and a whole bunch of stuff
if you just wanna be unconscious.

-This is more like a existential thing?
-Oh.

You know, when you get
everything you ever wanted,

and then you're, like,
"Is that all there is?"

Hmm. Let me see what we got for that.

Uh, let me ask you something.

-Is it chronic?
-Sometimes.

She's gone!

-Who?
-Nicky!

[breathes shakily]
You haven't seen her, have you?

Well, no,
we're going through this fun phase

where she can't stand to look at me.
I'm probably the wrong person to ask.

Into thin air.

-Like Nadezhda!
-Ooh!

God bless you.

Why don't you care?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

It's hard, isn't it?
Coming down off the strong stuff.

I am not on drugs!

Except for the ones already in my system.

-Oh. Textbook denial.
-I saw somethin' like this on Dr. Drew.

What if he came in after all?
Now that no one is suspecting?

No, I got rid of him myself, Red.

He bought it, hook, line and tinker.
You wanna see the text?

You know, I ain't seen Flores
in a while either.

How long before you count
somebody as missing?

No, no, no, that is not helping.
Thank you.

-Ex-nay on the issing-may.
-I know pig Latin, Lorna.

Okay, Red, everyone knows
you're very smart.

I shouldn't have to tell you
people don't just vanish into thin air.

[Nadezhda speaks Russian and sighs]

[knocking]

-It doesn't look like anything.
-That's the whole point.

It's a speakeasy.

If they really want to be sub rosa,

they should hire some hungry people
to stand outside.

Grocery stores have lines
around the block.

-[Nadezhda clears throat]
-[doorman] What do you want?

Two cabbages and a soup bone.

[door clattering]

What happens if you ask for
a loaf of bread?

[Nadezhda chuckles]

[soft music playing]

He was right.
They do give you the ass of an angel.

Ah.

And that skirt gives you Brezhnev's butt.

Thanks.

What do we do now?

-We dance.
-It's too slow for the Barynya.

You make it up, dummy.

The Westerners use their hips,
like Elvis Presley.

You're supposed to look like
you're having sex without touching.

Like this?

[chuckles] You look like
you hurt yourself.

-That guy is staring at us.
-Not at us. At you.

I don't know how he can breathe.
Those jeans are so tight!

I like it. Truth in advertising.

You know what you're buying.

[snorts and chuckles] Nadezhda!

His friend is the guy who sold me
the jeans. Don't look. Be cool.

-Kostya.
-[speaks Russian]

-You brought a friend.
-I said I would, didn't I?

He wants to talk to her.

Why doesn't he come over himself?

He does what he wants.
We all do what he wants.

He makes the parties.

Go. Maybe he'll make a party
in your panties.

[vocalizing]

I haven't seen you before.

I do my grocery shopping elsewhere.

You're one of those factory girls, right?

The ones who wash their clothes in vodka
to get the stink out?

I never waste good vodka.
Vinegar does the job just as well.

[chuckles]

The work. You don't hate it?

I don't have a choice, so I make the best.

No. Stop that.

Don't make the mistake
of committing yourself to the old ways.

You need to be ready
for when the world changes.

It happens fast.

It's happening now!

And you're going to show me
these new ways?

I'm going to show you everything.

♪ Dropped it
Yes, on the way I dropped it ♪

♪ And some fine brother picked it up ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ And put it in my pocket ♪

[phone continues ringing]

Hello?

[Angie in spooky voice]
Have you checked the children?

Nope. Pause.
I know how this shit goes.

The children is already dead,

and I'm next because that's how it go
for black folk in the movies.

Have you checked the children?

Which children?

[normal] She said, "Which children?"

[Leanne] I don't know.
Make something up!

[sighs]

Spooky children.

"Spooky children," bitch?
That don't even sit right with me.

Look, instead of me checkin' the children,
how about you check your damn self?

-Um... No!
-Angie, you suck at this!

-[Angie] No, I wasn't done!
-Give it to me!

Peace out.

I see you!

Hello? I said I...

[line ringing]

[Aleida] Come on, bitch, pick up!

-You are religious?
-Church of Satan, ma'am.

[line continues ringing]

[cell phone ringing]

Look. Uh, man, I should've told you
there was a riot.

[in Spanish] I'm a fuckin' wuss, okay?

[in English] I didn't want
to worry you, you know?

You did what you had to do.

I know Daya got herself in some bad shit.

Just tell me she's okay.

Yeah, yeah, she's okay.

-You lying bitch!
-What?

-Yo, this bitch lied to me twice!
-[gasping]

[in Spanish] Aleida, calm down.

[in English] I'm staring at my daughter
in handcuffs right now!

I ask you to look out for her
and the next thing I know

she's shooting somebody and confesses?

-[sighs]
-Her life is over!

You've been fucking up her life
for 23 years, querida.

You think that I was gonna
undo that in a week?

All you had to do was
be an equally bad mother,

not a hundred
fuckin' thousand times worse.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice...

[in Spanish] I'll fuckin' cut
your tit off.

[in English] Yeah, you know what?

I would love to stay here
and get yelled at,

but I got my own kids to worry about.

Yeah? Well, I'll be prayin'
for them little bastards,

'cause they don't stand a chance
with you as their mother.

-I hope you're wrong.
-Me, too!

'Cause I'm tired of bein'
right about people.

Have a good fucking life, okay?

Fucking what?

You are magnificent. [sighs]

-[sighs] Hurry up!
-Man, this shit wouldn't cut butter!

[Caputo] Jefferson, that you?

Hold up, Mr. C. We settin' you free.

Not free free, but you feel me.

-Are you supposed to be doing that?
-Are you supposed to give a fuck?

Cheerfully withdrawn.

[Janae grunts and sighs]

A'ight. [grunts]

-[Taystee grunts]
-[Caputo sighs]

-[Taystee] Damn!
-[Caputo sighs]

No need to thank us, Mr. C.

-I'm not thanking you. [sighs]
-[Taystee] You grudgin' it out.

I respect that, but this ain't no freebie.
We need your help.

You punched me.

You took me hostage.

Why would I ever, ever help you?

-[groaning]
-[Taystee] Okay, let me catch you up.

Previously,
on the Fucked-Up Prison Channel,

we've been negotiating
for things like justice

and better living conditions
and education,

and the governor, he gave us Cheetos.

But we said we don't want no blood Cheetos
so now they talkin' bullshit,

sayin' that we already got
a education program,

when everybody knows it's really
a dig-ditches-and-get-tetanus program.

That program is slave labor,
plain and simple.

See? Told you he still cared.

Problem is, they sent us this negotiator,
but she don't believe us.

That's when you come in.
You'll be our... credibility man.

Who they send? [coughs]
They send a lawyer?

[scoffs] Nah, they sent in that chick
that you hate... Figueroa.

The one that used to have your job?
And look like a giraffe, but kinda sexy?

-She ask about me?
-[scoffs] You did not come up.

Ain't all about you, Mr. C.

Oh, but we did get you a little gift.

We, uh, got it from the guard bathroom.

[Janae smacks lips] Piney fresh.

Now that you piney fresh,
you can bring your ass.

Where'd everybody go?
Shouldn't we go where it's more populated?

Is this the teen-scream scenario? Hmm?

Me in the letterman jacket,
you with the pom-poms.

Okay, babe,
whatever gets your knickers wet.

No, I'm really serious.
Don't you think it's spooky?

-I heard people are going missing.
-Mmm.

Maybe the SWAT team is plucking us out,
one at a time.

-They can do that?
-[clicks tongue] Aw...

Don't you worry about that, babe.
I won't let that happen to you.

-This skeevy prison hookup is forever.
-[both chuckle]

How do you think negotiations are going?

Well, if I had to take a wild stab at it,
I'd say not very well.

That Fig, she is a grade A,
locally-sourced megabitch.

Yeah. Plus MCC's lawyers would file
a breach of contract

before ever agreeing
to increasing the budget.

So I've heard.

Well, here we are.

-In you go.
-[chuckles nervously]

-[Linda] In... right here?
-Mmm-hmm.

[Linda] It's so dark.

The better to eat you with, my dear.

-[chuckles]
-[Linda chuckles nervously]

Gotta be a light switch
in here somewhere, right?

-[clangs]
-Ow!

Boo?

Hello?

This isn't funny.

[softly] Fuck.

[breathes shakily]

[exhales heavily]

[breathing raggedly]

[grunts]

[gasping]

-[thuds]
-[grunts]

Shower sex is for teenagers
and '80s movie vixens.

-No one actually enjoys it.
-I enjoy it.

Pipes, water is not a lubricant.

[gasps] Finally,
someone who will believe me!

See? Red gets it.
Shower sex is not a thing.

-He's here. In the prison.
-Who?

Piscatella.

I woke the sleeping giant,
and now he's come down the beanstalk

to stomp all over the village,
the village being prison.

[inhales sharply] You think I sound crazy.

Little bit.

Yeah, a guard coming to a minimum security
prison to personally target someone?

-Like, when has that happened before?
-Fair point.

-Okay, so you saw him on the inside?
-No, but--

-But he said he was coming in?
-[sighs]

Actually, he said he wasn't.
But it's a trick, a smoke screen.

And I'm not the only one he's targeting.

He's making all the people
I care about disappear, one by one.

He's aiming for the heart or for the mind.
A mind-heart combo.

I think there's a pattern, see?

Norma, missing.

-Oh, boy.
-Frieda, missing.

Gina, missing.

Yoga, and now Blanca and Nicky--

-Let me guess--
-Missing.

I didn't know that Piscatella paid such
close attention to your social circles.

This is serious, damn it!

Red, I wanna believe you,
but you're making it impossible.

Did you ever think that maybe
your prison pals are avoiding you

because you're being, like,
an aggro psychopants?

We've all been there.

Nicky was getting me ice
and she just vanished!

So Nicky didn't complete
a task set out before her?

Like, shocker.

She's probably with that new girl.

Somehow she found a sexy loner

we've never seen in prison
before to hook up with.

We've all been there.

Red, what's the, uh...
What's the frying pan for?

For hitting him with.

Okay. You need to get some rest, okay?

And when we see Nicky,

we're going to have her kick that girl
out of bed and come find you.

-Okay?
-[Piper] Mmm-hmm.

-What if it's really sudsy water?
-No, it's still not a lubricant.

[breathing heavily]

-[in Russian] How do I look in jeans?
-[sighs] Like the fall of empires.

Like the beating heart of democracy.

-That's it?
-[chuckles]

[young Red chuckles]

[Pavel breathes heavily]

-Fuck. [chuckles]
-[giggles]

First you can't wait to get me in jeans.
Now you want me out.

Mmm!

-I should add more bleach.
-[grunts]

[giggles]

Suddenly everyone wants them faded,
like Robert Plant.

[knocking on door]

[Pavel] What do you want?
[Nadezhda] Two cabbages and a soup bone.

[sighs] We don't have any!

[sighs]

Go away, we're in love.

Have you seen Kostya?

-Not since Saturday.
-I'm worried.

You don't think...
Could they have taken him?

He sells blue jeans, not state secrets.

They wouldn't say "blue jean selling."

They'd say "Imprudent associations,"
or "Western decadence."

Western decadence is important.

People need to know
there's a world outside of Russia.

The government can control
what's on the news,

but not what people wear.

Keep telling yourself that.
They can control whatever they want.

Not the song in our heads.

Supertramp. The Bay City Rollers.

[chuckles] She's right.

Of course she's right,
you're in love with her.

Everything that was criminal
becomes normal, day by day.

When the Beatles arrived, suddenly
the government didn't mind jazz so much.

Now that there's the Ramones,
the Beatles are not so bad.

And on like that,
till we are free like the West.

We are pioneers.

[sighs]

Um...

You have the next batch?

I was thinking of trying to move them
by the botanical garden.

Over there. Twelve acid wash,
12 James Dean dark blues.

The Robert Plants are still cooking.

Sell them near the tea shop
by the university.

That's where Kostya was selling.
Maybe it's too conspicuous.

Students pay more.

[inhales deeply]
And they are the future for freedom.

At least at the garden
I can hide in a bush.

[chuckles]

Here.

Liquid courage.

Go forth and sell liberty
and justice for all.

-[speaks Russian and laughs]
-[young Red squeals]

[humming]

[Flaca whistles]

[Maritza and Flaca] ♪ Come sing with us ♪

Oh, hell, no!

♪ Basic bitches ♪

-♪ Bitches ♪
-♪ Bitches ♪

-[clicks tongue and sighs]
-[sighs] Crap, it died.

[clicks tongue]
Video sucks up all the juice.

-That's what she said.
-Did she, though?

[sighs] We gotta find a charger.

How else are we supposed to post
our dope original song

in honor of getting 10,000 followers?

And how we supposed to google something
if there's something to google?

And where are we supposed to put our eyes
when we don't wanna see a nasty face?

-What'd we do before, like, two days ago?
-[sighs]

-I guess we used to talk to people.
-Crazy.

Maybe we should just split up
and search separately.

Hell, no, Scooby-Doo.
It's creepy as fuck in here!

Plus, we do everything together.

Yeah, you're right,
I don't know why I said that.

[sighs] You were having, like,
a Snickers moment.

You ain't you when you're hungry.

Moving back in?

[sighs] There's too many
mosquitoes outside.

-I don't wanna get a Zika head.
-I don't think that's how it works.

You know,
people build shelter for a reason.

Outside is dark and dirty and...

you know, some lolo jerk
stepped on my pillow.

Another revolutionary bites the dust.

Maybe I'll rediscover my ideals
in the morning.

How do you know if you're going crazy?

[sighs]

Usually you don't,
because when you've really lost it,

you're sure you're the only sane one
and everyone else has gone crazy.

Like, my mom knew for sure
Kris Kristofferson was in love with her,

and... and the police were crazy
for pulling her off his security wall.

Do you have my cookbook?

Sorry, um, I...

I mean, I like to look at the pictures.
It feels like I'm eating.

Is that sad?

-That's what cookbooks are for.
-Hmm.

[groans and sniffles]

[in Russian] Son of a pig fucker.

[sighs]

Such a pretty language.

[in Russian] What is this?

It goes with a festive line dance.
Sort of like the Bielolitza.

Disco is bullshit.

-What do you mean, gone?
-I've been looking all night.

Her mother hasn't heard from her
in three days.

[sighs] Dmitri says she'll be fired
if she doesn't come to work tomorrow.

Shit.

-What if she tells them about us?
-She won't.

-Are you sure?
-[sighs]

I wonder if Kostya gave them her name,
and now Nadezhda--

We have to do something for her.
Organize a demonstration.

Before they make us all disappear,
one by one.

No. What we have to do is
destroy the jeans, then lay low.

Keep our heads down.

[scoffs] What happened
to changing the world?

It's gotten too dangerous.

I thought you were brave.
But you don't want anything to change.

You're the rebel that they can tolerate.

You get to sit here and play your music
and feel like a punk,

but if you're threatened,
you step right in line, don't you?

-[sighs]
-That's why they leave you alone.

You help each other exist.

-You go too far, Galina.
-You don't go far enough.

Joe? [panting]

Which one are you?
Joe? [pants]

[Stratman] Hello?
Uh, a little help?

-[stutters] I'm looking for Joe.
-I can be Joe, if... if you want.

Joe?

Joe?

Joe... [sighs]

are you giving me the silent treatment?

[Chang] Joe not here.
Went to see giraffe lady.

-Giraffe lady?
-They fight but they also bone.

Classic rom-com.

[softly] What is going on?
What is happening?

Where did everybody go? [panting]

-Boo!
-[shrieks]

What's the matter?
You lost your bitch, bitch?

[sighs] I think, technically,
I'm her bitch.

-Oh, yeah.
-[Helen chuckles]

-Bitch, bitch. [laughs]
-Wait, wait, I got another one!

Say, "Where'd everybody go?" again.
Say it!

Please don't hurt me! [panting]

No one wants to play with Brandy.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[snoring]

[in Spanish] You gotta watch 'em
even at night?

You never know
what they could be plotting.

[grunts] Yeah. Diabolical.

[in English] Hey, you want a cigarette?

I stole it from a guard locker
so... it ain't stale.

Our mom used to smoke.

And now she has a hole in her neck
the size of a Ritz cracker.

Ah, sucks...

how we gotta do the work in here.

Me behind the stove,
you watching these sad fucks

while everyone's outside
getting a suntan. [scoffs]

We got job satisfaction, actually.

Yeah, you maybe ought to think
about your choices.

I mean, if you don't love
waking up in the morning,

then you in the wrong line of work.

Hmm. Tell me more
about this, uh, guarding shit.

Hey, this about more than guarding.
This about our rights.

Yeah, this is about performing

unnecessary, revenge-motivated
strip searches.

Yeah, and using a steady flow
of name-calling

-to tear down their self-worth.
-Hmm.

-[Luschek snoring]
-Hey, piss-bitch!

-Oh, fuck! What? What'd I do?
-See?

That does look rewarding.

Thanks to them being locked up
and all at our mercy and everything,

we have a chance to make
a real change around here.

If your mom could talk
outta her Ritz cracker,

I think she'd say she's proud of you.

-Maybe.
-Yeah.

[exhales heavily] All right!

-You got room for one more?
-Who's gonna cook?

-Ain't like there's food left. Right?
-[Ouija chuckles]

It's nice to see you
finally gettin' in the spirit.

[in Spanish] See? I told you
she wasn't just a bossy twatwaffle.

-[door slams]
-Is that you, Vause?

I thought that you hated shower sex.

-[shower curtain opens]
-[gasps]

I'm giving this one last shot. For you.

So charitable.

All right, suds me up.

It's not something that you say
to a woman that you're trying to arouse.

Convinced?

I need to feel a few more arguments.

[Piscatella breathing heavily]

Hang on.

I'm gonna go grab something
from my shower caddy.

Props.

Are you gonna tell me what they are
or you gonna surprise me?

[gasps]

[gasps]

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

Now...

Suzanne?

Grace?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my...
This is wrong on so many levels.

If you're gonna contour your blush,
you gotta blend better.

I'm not comfortable.

Oh, you poor thing.
Who did this to you?

They said...

I'm crazy.

You wanna know what I think, Suzanne?

I think crazy is just a word
people invented

to keep the extra-interesting people down.

Well, Mommy says there are many shades
of different as there are of people.

Well, I wish I was told that
when I was growing up.

[sniffles]

Are those my meds?

[breathes heavily]

You don't need these anymore, Suzanne.

No, actually... I do.

They're just trying to
sand down your edges,

make you all the same shade.

I'm not good with metaphors,
but I do know one thing.

You should be free to be you.

Be me.

Be... me.

Oh, I am glad we had this talk.
I got a real good feeling about this.

Free to be me and me.

Figueroa.

-She could be Latina.
-Or Italian.

My husband is the world's whitest Mexican,
next to Louis C.K.

-Hold up. Louis C.K. a Mexican?
-Mmm-hmm.

Hey, check it out.

-[Caputo sighs]
-We got new representation.

I can see that.

-Nice boxers.
-Thanks.

They must've been a gift
from someone with very expensive taste.

Expensive taste and a soul
made of old fingernail clippings.

Mmm... 'kay.

If memory serves, we were talking about
reinstating the GED program.

The issue being the presence
of an existing education initiative.

They called it education
so they don't have to pay the inmates.

When I brought it to MCC,
it was an education program.

They turned it into a chain gang.

Aw, fascinating.
And how'd they sneak that one by you?

Joe, thank God!

You gotta get me out of here.
I can't do this anymore!

What? Do you want me to say I'm sorry?
I am sorry! Your singing was terrible.

One of our recent transfers from Psych.

I'm not sure
she was ready for the transition.

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, I purchased that baton.

We let her believe
that she's running the place.

-[Taystee] Mmm...
-It's easier that way.

Hey, whatever gets you through the day.

-Hey! I was mad, I was mad, okay!
-[Janae] Let's go.

You had lipstick on your ear...
Ow!

[Caputo clears throat] Now...

you're aware of the state's prerequisites
for education programs?

You aware?

Okay! Ow! Got it! I got it!
I got the memo.

[pants] Ow.

Hey! Don't I know you from somewhere?

Uh, I guess I just have
one of those faces.

Nah, you were on TV or... or somewhere.

Oh. Yeah, duh.

I'm, um...
I'm the Counterfeit Cunt of Connecticut.

Somebody played me on Law & Order.

Who?

Alyssa Milano.

Carry on.

No, wait. I remember now.

You that hostage with the heels.

These heels.

[stammers and chuckles] I...

How would I even get
something like that? I... [scoffs]

I'm just your average, everyday,
hard-boiled perp

being managed by the second-largest
for-profit prison corporation.

[in Spanish] Hey, why don't
we make her pull a Cinderella?

[in English] You mean, like,
make her ride a pumpkin?

No, dumbass. If the shoe fits!

You heard the lady. Saddle up.

[Linda grunting]

[inmate] Girl, you know they fit you.
Stop that.

See? It won't fit.
My feet are too big.

This how O.J. got off.

I think she's spreading her toes.

-Yo, I'll do it myself.
-[Linda] Uh, uh...

-I wouldn't do that if I were you.
-Why not?

-Because...
-[inmate] Oh, see?

Hey, that bitch got my shiv!

[inmates chattering and chuckling]

See? Just like O.J.

[indistinct chatter]

[in Russian] Galina!

Won't you even talk to me?

Let me guess, you heard I broke up
with Pavel. Go ahead and gloat.

You broke up with Pavel?

[sighs] I thought I could change things.
With some jeans.

-Isn't that stupid?
-No.

Do you think, would they grant me
a transfer to Leningrad?

-Maybe there it's different.
-It isn't.

You have to go further.

Where? Vladivostok?
Too many fish.

We can't talk here.

There's still five minutes
before the morning whistle.

Hurry up, Miss!

Screw off.
I'm talking to my sick mother!

You always said
I never took you anywhere.

So I started looking for a way that we--

A trip?

Don't you get it?
We're over.

Listen to me.

I know a way for us to leave Russia.

It won't be easy,

but they're letting the Jews emigrate.

Not just to Israel now...

but to America.

You're not Jewish.

There are agencies.
You pay them...

to find your Jewish relatives.

-And how does that help me?
-If we were married...

So that's your plan.

[spits]

Listen.

We don't have to be together in that way.

It can all be for show.

I know you think...
I'm not man enough for you.

-[sighs] Dmitri--
-When we get to America...

you can go your own way if you want.

I can?

But maybe...

maybe I will show you I'm not a gerbil.

-I am at least a hamster.
-[chuckles]

All along, you were the one with teeth.

[sighs]

America.

It's got to be better than this shit.

[breathing heavily]

[gasps]

Jesus!

-[pan clatters]
-[breathing heavily]

[muffled grunting] Ow! Fuck.

This is why I don't wax.

-Where is he?
-Off playing Jason from Friday the 13th.

Or Jason's mom, technically.
Spoiler alert.

Are you hurt?

Let's just say
it's a good thing I do yoga.

Wait, I never do that shit.

-Yoga. Where is she?
-I don't know.

-And Gina and Norma? Shit!
-I don't know!

Oh, what? I mean, this isn't enough,
uh, distressed damsels for you? [scoffs]

[pants]

[pants and grunts]

Oh, Red, I am sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Turns out there really is a bogeyman.

Bogeyman is a demon.
This is only a man. He can be hurt.

[Blanca and Big Boo grunting]

-[screams]
-My ears are burning.

[grunting]

[groans]

Fuck!

[Blanca grunting]

Ready to play, Reznikov?

[Red groans]

[in Russian] I was born ready.

[guitar music playing]