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1
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,931
[dance music plays]
- Are you a school teacher?
2
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,586
Do you like to take
your top off?
3
00:00:14,655 --> 00:00:17,275
Have you ever been
called "shameful"?
4
00:00:17,344 --> 00:00:18,724
Then you need to be
in the cast
5
00:00:18,793 --> 00:00:20,586
of the hot new reality show
6
00:00:20,655 --> 00:00:23,758
"Shameful Teacher"
where you'll live in a condo,
7
00:00:23,827 --> 00:00:27,000
get shamed, scream
at other women, ugly cry,
8
00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:29,000
and find love?
9
00:00:29,068 --> 00:00:30,482
If you're someone
who's practically
10
00:00:30,551 --> 00:00:31,896
a prostitute but
still teaches,
11
00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:34,862
apply now
for "Shameful Teacher."
12
00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:36,172
- Chelsea!
13
00:00:36,241 --> 00:00:38,758
- I know.
It's an amazing opportunity.
14
00:00:38,827 --> 00:00:40,379
[rock music]
15
00:00:40,448 --> 00:00:42,310
- ♪ Teacher ♪
16
00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:43,413
♪ Oh! ♪
17
00:00:43,482 --> 00:00:45,448
- And it films in Skokie.
18
00:00:45,517 --> 00:00:48,103
This is a sign.
It's my moment.
19
00:00:48,172 --> 00:00:51,448
- To what, contract Hep C by
using another woman's razor?
20
00:00:51,517 --> 00:00:53,965
- Can that happen?
- I support you, Chelsea.
21
00:00:54,034 --> 00:00:55,413
I'm reading this book,
22
00:00:55,482 --> 00:00:57,413
"There's a New You
Screaming To Come Out,"
23
00:00:57,482 --> 00:00:59,206
and it says goals
are an excellent way
24
00:00:59,275 --> 00:01:01,620
to maintain focus
on what really want in life.
25
00:01:01,689 --> 00:01:03,103
- Have you set goals
for yourself?
26
00:01:03,172 --> 00:01:05,310
- Yes, I have three.
My personal goal
27
00:01:05,379 --> 00:01:07,000
is to get a loan
so I can buy a condo.
28
00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:09,862
My health goal is to workout
three times a week.
29
00:01:09,931 --> 00:01:12,827
You know, endorphins to battle
the darkness inside.
30
00:01:12,896 --> 00:01:15,344
And my career goal is to win
the science fair.
31
00:01:15,413 --> 00:01:17,862
- But a teacher can't win
the science fair.
32
00:01:17,931 --> 00:01:21,068
- I claim all
my students' success as my own.
33
00:01:21,137 --> 00:01:23,413
Don't judge me.
I need a win.
34
00:01:23,482 --> 00:01:26,000
In three short weeks,
I will finally be living
35
00:01:26,068 --> 00:01:27,827
a worthwhile life.
- In three short weeks,
36
00:01:27,896 --> 00:01:30,379
I will be banging a hottie
in the Shameful suite
37
00:01:30,448 --> 00:01:33,896
on semi-national TV!
[squeals] Goal twins!
38
00:01:33,965 --> 00:01:35,896
Yes!
39
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,793
♪ ♪
40
00:01:37,862 --> 00:01:39,931
Okay, everyone,
Ms. Snap is running late
41
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,206
to Selena Gomez's live
Insta Story.
42
00:01:42,275 --> 00:01:44,586
[sighs] Jeremy!
Get out of my way!
43
00:01:44,655 --> 00:01:46,137
What is the--
[both gasp]
44
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:49,793
- Jeez, you just ran me.
- Sorry, I didn't see you.
45
00:01:49,862 --> 00:01:51,793
[sighs]
46
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:55,068
[charming music]
47
00:01:55,137 --> 00:01:57,931
[chuckles] Hey, I'm Chelsea.
48
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,206
♪ ♪
49
00:02:00,275 --> 00:02:01,931
- What?
50
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,931
- Sorry, I was running and I
tripped over my big dumb feet.
51
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,241
I mean, small feet.
I don't have big feet.
52
00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:09,172
[laughs]
Well, they're like kinda big.
53
00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:10,620
I don't know,
I wear a ladies size 11.
54
00:02:10,689 --> 00:02:12,379
What do you think?
Wow, I have no idea why
55
00:02:12,448 --> 00:02:14,172
I'm telling you all of this.
[chuckles]
56
00:02:14,241 --> 00:02:16,206
- Are you okay?
57
00:02:16,275 --> 00:02:19,172
- Yeah, I'm great.
[books shuffling]
58
00:02:19,241 --> 00:02:20,551
♪ ♪
59
00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:24,172
I think these are mine.
- Uh, yeah.
60
00:02:24,241 --> 00:02:26,275
It's an adult glove,
you moron.
61
00:02:26,344 --> 00:02:27,827
[music stops abruptly]
62
00:02:27,896 --> 00:02:29,965
- Right.
63
00:02:30,034 --> 00:02:32,724
- Well, see ya.
64
00:02:35,068 --> 00:02:37,482
- Wait.
You know, I was thinking.
65
00:02:37,551 --> 00:02:40,241
Would you ever want to
hang out sometime?
66
00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:42,103
I mean, for me to babysit.
67
00:02:42,172 --> 00:02:43,689
- Sure.
- Great.
68
00:02:43,758 --> 00:02:46,310
It's a date.
[giggles]
69
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,275
- Psycho.
70
00:02:51,344 --> 00:02:54,068
♪ ♪
71
00:02:54,137 --> 00:02:56,862
- Ladies and gentlemen,
72
00:02:56,931 --> 00:03:01,379
I'd like to introduce you to
the newest member of our class.
73
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,551
Meet Alyssa.
74
00:03:03,620 --> 00:03:07,000
- Hello, I'm Alyssa.
- Isn't that wild?
75
00:03:07,068 --> 00:03:09,275
I thought it'd be a fun way
to introduce technology
76
00:03:09,344 --> 00:03:12,586
into the classroom,
and she can do everything.
77
00:03:12,655 --> 00:03:15,724
She knows my voice,
every Jars of Clay song,
78
00:03:15,793 --> 00:03:19,379
and prepare to really have
your socks knocked off.
79
00:03:19,448 --> 00:03:21,586
Alyssa, tell us a joke.
80
00:03:21,655 --> 00:03:25,448
- Why was the donkey's check
refused at the grocery store?
81
00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:27,068
- I don't know. Why?
82
00:03:27,137 --> 00:03:29,931
- Because "he-haw-ways"
writes bad checks.
83
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,689
- [laughing]
84
00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:37,310
Do the math, people!
[laughs]
85
00:03:37,379 --> 00:03:39,103
♪ ♪
86
00:03:39,172 --> 00:03:41,344
- Hello--oh, Nolan.
87
00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:43,000
I'm Caroline Watson,
88
00:03:43,068 --> 00:03:46,000
and I'm here to get a loan
because I'm going to
89
00:03:46,068 --> 00:03:48,103
buy a [singsongy] condo!
90
00:03:48,172 --> 00:03:50,827
I've been on Zillow nonstop
in anticipation.
91
00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:53,448
- Well, let's pull up
your account.
92
00:03:53,517 --> 00:03:55,034
[keyboard clacking, stops]
93
00:03:55,103 --> 00:03:56,862
Hm.
94
00:03:56,931 --> 00:04:01,344
According to this,
you only have $450 saved,
95
00:04:01,413 --> 00:04:03,275
and I don't know
how to put this,
96
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,862
but your credit score
is pathetic.
97
00:04:05,931 --> 00:04:08,275
Hm, I guess I did know
how to put it.
98
00:04:08,344 --> 00:04:10,931
- Okay, I know I may not
have money right now,
99
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,827
but look at me.
I've got rich face.
100
00:04:14,896 --> 00:04:17,103
- Yeah, it doesn't work
like that.
101
00:04:17,172 --> 00:04:19,827
We can't give you a loan.
- All right, listen.
102
00:04:19,896 --> 00:04:21,551
My sorority sisters
all have houses
103
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:23,586
and are married with kids,
and I can't get
104
00:04:23,655 --> 00:04:25,172
anymore Christmas cards
that these assholes
105
00:04:25,241 --> 00:04:27,586
in horizontal stripes
always send, you got me?
106
00:04:27,655 --> 00:04:29,620
Now fork over the loan, Nolan!
107
00:04:29,689 --> 00:04:31,896
- I'm gonna need security,
please.
108
00:04:31,965 --> 00:04:34,551
♪ ♪
109
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,896
- Chelsea, are you
image searching babies?
110
00:04:36,965 --> 00:04:39,862
You can't wear baby clothes
as a bikini again this summer.
111
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:42,172
- I don't know what's wrong
with me.
112
00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:46,137
I've been having feelings.
Like, kid feelings.
113
00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:47,931
- Then I feel compelled
to say that, legally,
114
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,103
you should not be
in an elementary school.
115
00:04:50,172 --> 00:04:51,620
- Not like that, dumbass.
116
00:04:51,689 --> 00:04:54,517
Every time I see Hagatha
my uterus skips a beat.
117
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,689
I don't even care
that her thighs touch.
118
00:04:56,758 --> 00:04:58,413
And I've started to think
the kids in my class
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00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,034
are actually cute.
120
00:05:00,103 --> 00:05:02,344
Who am I?
- A woman in her 30s.
121
00:05:02,413 --> 00:05:05,000
This is what happens when your
friends start popping them out.
122
00:05:05,068 --> 00:05:06,689
- Have you ever thought
about having kids?
123
00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:09,000
- Not really. Maybe.
I don't know.
124
00:05:09,068 --> 00:05:10,586
- Well if you do want kids,
you should decide
125
00:05:10,655 --> 00:05:13,103
sooner rather than later.
- She's right.
126
00:05:13,172 --> 00:05:14,655
At 37, fertility declines,
127
00:05:14,724 --> 00:05:16,862
and the womb becomes
an inhospitable environment.
128
00:05:16,931 --> 00:05:18,931
- So I have five years
to decide?
129
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,586
I have been a teacher
for ten years
130
00:05:20,655 --> 00:05:22,206
and I'm still not sure
it's for me.
131
00:05:22,275 --> 00:05:24,413
- It's not.
- [gasps]
132
00:05:24,482 --> 00:05:27,551
♪ ♪
133
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:31,551
- Sorry to interrupt but Mavis
asked me to drop this off.
134
00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,586
- Oh, for me?
135
00:05:33,655 --> 00:05:35,344
I wonder who it's from.
136
00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:37,586
- Maybe it's from Hot Dad.
137
00:05:37,655 --> 00:05:39,275
- I mean, regular dad.
138
00:05:39,344 --> 00:05:41,655
"Hot" is what you guys
call him, not me.
139
00:05:41,724 --> 00:05:43,413
Y-you know who
I'm talking about.
140
00:05:43,482 --> 00:05:46,034
Just open the box.
141
00:05:49,275 --> 00:05:50,724
- Huh.
142
00:05:50,793 --> 00:05:53,137
Yesterday I said I wished
I had a three-hold punch,
143
00:05:53,206 --> 00:05:54,689
but I didn't order one.
144
00:05:54,758 --> 00:05:57,586
- Um, it's probably
your Alyssa.
145
00:05:57,655 --> 00:05:59,310
They listen to you.
146
00:05:59,379 --> 00:06:02,103
- Alyssa, did you order
a three-hole punch?
147
00:06:02,172 --> 00:06:04,517
- Yes, and I saw that
you were looking at the book,
148
00:06:04,586 --> 00:06:06,413
"Your Virginity:
What to Expect
149
00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,965
When You Finally Lose It."
150
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,896
Would you like me
to order that as well?
151
00:06:18,517 --> 00:06:21,482
♪ ♪
152
00:06:21,551 --> 00:06:23,896
- I am sorry to say,
but Gertie's personal hygiene
153
00:06:23,965 --> 00:06:25,758
did factor into her grades.
154
00:06:25,827 --> 00:06:27,965
- She takes a bath every night.
155
00:06:28,034 --> 00:06:30,241
- I don't know what to tell ya.
She smells.
156
00:06:31,103 --> 00:06:32,793
Before you go,
would you mind answering
157
00:06:32,862 --> 00:06:35,793
a few questions for me?
I'm compiling research.
158
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:37,206
You know,
to be a better teacher,
159
00:06:37,275 --> 00:06:39,827
and I was wondering,
do you think your kid
160
00:06:39,896 --> 00:06:41,896
was worth it?
- What?
161
00:06:41,965 --> 00:06:44,034
- Do you ever look at Candace
and think to yourself,
162
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:45,862
"Why am I taking this brat
to ballet
163
00:06:45,931 --> 00:06:47,517
when I could be drunk
at brunch?"
164
00:06:47,586 --> 00:06:49,689
Have you ever thought that
woman in China had it right
165
00:06:49,758 --> 00:06:51,931
and you two were suckers
for adopting?
166
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,758
When you realized Sam's head
was too big for his body
167
00:06:54,827 --> 00:06:56,689
did you want a do-over?
168
00:06:56,758 --> 00:06:58,551
Do you ever wish Jerry
hadn't been born?
169
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:00,655
[music stop abruptly]
170
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:03,206
I guess that's a "no."
Wow.
171
00:07:03,275 --> 00:07:05,517
That says a lot
about motherhood
172
00:07:05,586 --> 00:07:07,344
because Jerry
is a nightmare.
173
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,482
Everybody, shut up!
174
00:07:09,551 --> 00:07:11,620
After exhaustive research,
175
00:07:11,689 --> 00:07:14,103
I have discovered that
most parents find their lives
176
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:16,034
more fulfilling
after having children.
177
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,965
- Are you gonna have a baby?
You're not even married.
178
00:07:18,034 --> 00:07:20,413
That's okay. I'll help you.
Two women and a baby.
179
00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:22,103
I'll be Steve Guttenberg.
180
00:07:22,172 --> 00:07:24,758
- No, Mary Louise,
I am not ready for kids now,
181
00:07:24,827 --> 00:07:26,310
but I might want them someday,
182
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,448
so I have decided
to freeze my eggs.
183
00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:31,482
- That's so brave.
- Isn't that kind of drastic?
184
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,241
- Drastic or empowering?
185
00:07:33,310 --> 00:07:35,551
Freezing my eggs gives me
options in the future.
186
00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:39,379
If Maria Menounos, Olivia Munn,
and Sofia Vergara can do it,
187
00:07:39,448 --> 00:07:40,931
so can I.
- Wow.
188
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,724
No mention of a Kardashian.
189
00:07:42,793 --> 00:07:44,551
You really are growing,
Chelsea.
190
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:46,241
- Thank you.
191
00:07:46,310 --> 00:07:48,551
And none of the Kardashians
have frozen their eggs.
192
00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:50,344
Read the internet, Deb.
193
00:07:53,241 --> 00:07:54,862
- This is a great option
194
00:07:54,931 --> 00:07:58,034
for someone your age, and
all your bloodwork looks good.
195
00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,862
- [gasps] Did you heard that?
My blood is looking "fo-ine."
196
00:08:00,931 --> 00:08:02,620
- I'd like to walk you
through the steps
197
00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:04,103
so you know what to expect.
198
00:08:04,172 --> 00:08:06,310
The whole process can take
about three weeks.
199
00:08:06,379 --> 00:08:08,103
- Okay, okay.
200
00:08:08,172 --> 00:08:10,758
- It includes shots.
- Shot, shot, shot!
201
00:08:10,827 --> 00:08:12,379
- No, injections.
202
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:15,206
You'll have to administer them
to yourself every day.
203
00:08:15,275 --> 00:08:17,793
You'll also need to come in
for vaginal ultrasounds.
204
00:08:17,862 --> 00:08:19,448
- Huh?
- Possible side effects
205
00:08:19,517 --> 00:08:22,172
from the medication include
headaches, cramping, nausea,
206
00:08:22,241 --> 00:08:24,965
bloating, and there's always
a chance of it not working.
207
00:08:25,034 --> 00:08:26,862
- Say what?
- Well, unfortunately,
208
00:08:26,931 --> 00:08:29,172
we can't guarantee
how your body will react.
209
00:08:29,241 --> 00:08:31,620
- So I can't just take a pill
and push out an egg?
210
00:08:31,689 --> 00:08:34,310
- You're not a hen.
So no.
211
00:08:34,379 --> 00:08:36,172
It's a commitment.
212
00:08:36,241 --> 00:08:38,586
Much like having a child
would be.
213
00:08:38,655 --> 00:08:42,896
- Thank you, Dr. Meier.
I am hundo-p ready to do this.
214
00:08:42,965 --> 00:08:44,965
Speaking of, how many hundos
will this cost?
215
00:08:45,034 --> 00:08:48,448
- 120 hundos.
- $12,000?
216
00:08:48,517 --> 00:08:50,103
- And it's not covered
by insurance.
217
00:08:50,172 --> 00:08:51,310
- [gasps]
218
00:08:52,379 --> 00:08:53,620
[gasps]
219
00:08:53,689 --> 00:08:55,275
[Brazilian dance music
playing]
220
00:08:55,344 --> 00:08:58,862
- You didn't get the condo,
but this workout is yours.
221
00:08:58,931 --> 00:09:01,448
Be the goal, do the goal,
become the goal.
222
00:09:01,517 --> 00:09:04,620
I'm on top of the world!
- Casa bonita--[gasps]
223
00:09:04,689 --> 00:09:07,310
- [yelps]
- Oh! Sorry!
224
00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:10,275
I heard Brazilian dance music,
and I got excited.
225
00:09:10,344 --> 00:09:12,448
- [groans]
226
00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:14,241
♪ ♪
227
00:09:14,310 --> 00:09:17,862
- To make a geode, you mix
hot water with Epsom salt.
228
00:09:17,931 --> 00:09:19,793
- How much Epsom salt
do I mix in?
229
00:09:19,862 --> 00:09:22,206
- Uh, let me check.
230
00:09:22,275 --> 00:09:24,689
- Mix 1 1/4 cup of hot water
231
00:09:24,758 --> 00:09:27,000
with 1 1/4 cup of Epsom salt
232
00:09:27,068 --> 00:09:30,379
then stir.
- Oh, thank you, Alyssa.
233
00:09:30,448 --> 00:09:31,862
- Add some food coloring
234
00:09:31,931 --> 00:09:34,206
if you desire.
- I know, Alyssa.
235
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:36,448
- Place the egg shells
in your container.
236
00:09:36,517 --> 00:09:40,793
- I was gonna say that, Alyssa,
so thank you. I got it.
237
00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:42,344
- After that pour your
- Alyssa!
238
00:09:42,413 --> 00:09:46,172
solution into the eggshell.
- I said I got it!
239
00:09:46,241 --> 00:09:47,586
♪ ♪
240
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:50,965
- [whimpers] The procedure
is insanely expensive,
241
00:09:51,034 --> 00:09:53,103
and it might not even work.
242
00:09:53,172 --> 00:09:55,827
Now my only options are
to settle down with some loser,
243
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:59,310
adopt, or deprive the world
of my spawn.
244
00:09:59,379 --> 00:10:03,344
Why is this something only
rich women get to do quietly?
245
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:06,448
- Chelsea, this is the most
responsible thing
246
00:10:06,517 --> 00:10:08,137
I've ever seen you try to do.
247
00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:11,241
I refuse to let it end
because you can't afford it.
248
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,241
Okay, people,
we are going to contact
249
00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:15,517
every sorority sister,
former stepdad,
250
00:10:15,586 --> 00:10:18,413
and tanning salon esthetician
to get donations.
251
00:10:18,482 --> 00:10:21,068
If Chelsea ever gave somebody
a baby gift,
252
00:10:21,137 --> 00:10:22,896
bought them a shot,
or held their hair back
253
00:10:22,965 --> 00:10:25,896
when they puked,
she's calling in the favor.
254
00:10:25,965 --> 00:10:27,241
- I see here that Chelsea paid
255
00:10:27,310 --> 00:10:29,206
for an unflattering
bridesmaids dress
256
00:10:29,275 --> 00:10:30,931
and threw you
bachelorette parties
257
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,448
in Nashville and Vegas,
so we're gonna be looking
258
00:10:33,517 --> 00:10:35,517
at about a $500 donation today.
259
00:10:35,586 --> 00:10:37,586
- You were married to
Chelsea's mom for nine months
260
00:10:37,655 --> 00:10:40,896
in 2003 during which time
she had to live on a house boat
261
00:10:40,965 --> 00:10:42,827
Have you ever heard of Venmo?
- Karen, you got married
262
00:10:42,896 --> 00:10:45,241
in Ireland and had baby showers
on two different continents.
263
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:48,206
That was bullshit.
Now give us your damn money!
264
00:10:48,275 --> 00:10:52,724
♪ ♪
265
00:10:52,793 --> 00:10:56,103
Okay, everybody,
I've had a few setbacks
266
00:10:56,172 --> 00:10:58,517
achieving
some of my other goals,
267
00:10:58,586 --> 00:11:00,413
so my dignity and will to live
268
00:11:00,482 --> 00:11:04,827
now hangs solely on one of you
winning the science fair.
269
00:11:04,896 --> 00:11:06,965
So, what do you got?
270
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,689
- I brought
in my hamster, Demetri.
271
00:11:08,758 --> 00:11:10,034
- For the last time, people,
272
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,827
just owning a pet
is not an experiment.
273
00:11:12,896 --> 00:11:14,896
- But Demetri has
really big balls.
274
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:18,655
- Logan, we do not say "balls."
275
00:11:18,724 --> 00:11:21,000
[gasps]
276
00:11:21,068 --> 00:11:23,551
[captivating music]
277
00:11:23,620 --> 00:11:25,172
Oh, my God,
278
00:11:25,241 --> 00:11:27,827
[whispers] Those are the
biggest balls I've ever seen.
279
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:29,551
♪ ♪
280
00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:31,793
Okay, I can work with this.
281
00:11:31,862 --> 00:11:34,379
[rock music]
282
00:11:34,448 --> 00:11:36,655
- I can't believe
we raised enough money.
283
00:11:36,724 --> 00:11:38,206
I'm actually freezing my eggs.
284
00:11:38,275 --> 00:11:39,896
- I know.
I'm so excited.
285
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,931
I already created a list
of possible names.
286
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,724
- Again, you don't name eggs.
You name babies.
287
00:11:44,793 --> 00:11:46,896
This is the problem
with you Christians.
288
00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:48,724
[sighs] Thank you
for helping me, girl.
289
00:11:48,793 --> 00:11:50,586
This process
is hella complicated.
290
00:11:50,655 --> 00:11:52,965
I need someone next to me so
I don't mess up the medication.
291
00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:54,793
Plus, you have to give me
the shot.
292
00:11:54,862 --> 00:11:57,206
- Let's get started.
Pull down your pants,
293
00:11:57,275 --> 00:11:59,482
[singsongy]
and your unders too.
294
00:11:59,551 --> 00:12:02,896
- Mary Louise. The shot goes
in my stomach, not my butt.
295
00:12:02,965 --> 00:12:05,620
- Oh.
- Moving on.
296
00:12:05,689 --> 00:12:08,551
For the first week, we will mix
1 milliliter of sodium chloride
297
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:11,310
with two vials of Menotropins,
then inject 5 milliliters
298
00:12:11,379 --> 00:12:13,965
of follitropin alfa at exactly
7:00 p.m. each night,
299
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,034
then after four days
start 3 milliliters
300
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:18,206
of ganirelix acetate
and take the Menotropins
301
00:12:18,275 --> 00:12:21,827
that you mixed with the sodium
chloride up 2 milliliters.
302
00:12:21,896 --> 00:12:23,931
Uh-huh.
- Got it.
303
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,241
So I mix 2 milliliters
of soda-cola
304
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:28,724
and 1 vial of menopause--
- Forget it.
305
00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:29,965
Neither of those were right.
306
00:12:30,034 --> 00:12:33,827
I'll start with
the follitropin alfa.
307
00:12:33,896 --> 00:12:36,344
Wipe the injection site
with an alcohol pad.
308
00:12:36,413 --> 00:12:39,034
Tap out the air bubbles,
and then inject.
309
00:12:39,103 --> 00:12:42,655
And--[screams]
What are you doing?
310
00:12:42,724 --> 00:12:44,965
- I thought it would hurt less
if I surprised you.
311
00:12:45,034 --> 00:12:46,965
- You didn't tap out
the air bubbles.
312
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:48,586
- Oh, no, no, no!
313
00:12:48,655 --> 00:12:51,379
- Oh, my God. I feel an
air bubble moving up my body.
314
00:12:51,448 --> 00:12:53,206
It is moving towards my brain.
- It is?
315
00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:54,827
- Yes, it is moving up
my chest!
316
00:12:54,896 --> 00:12:57,241
- This is all my fault!
I've killed you.
317
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,344
I'm gonna inject my stomach
with air bubbles too.
318
00:12:59,413 --> 00:13:02,793
I don't want to live
in a world without you.
319
00:13:02,862 --> 00:13:04,931
- [belches]
320
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,000
Oh, never mind.
321
00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:10,827
I feel fine.
Whew.
322
00:13:10,896 --> 00:13:13,896
[singsongy] Which one
do we wanna do next?
323
00:13:17,758 --> 00:13:21,137
- Okay, I bounced this idea off
of several teachers,
324
00:13:21,206 --> 00:13:22,931
and I've got
our science project.
325
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,482
Do adolescent hamster testicles
326
00:13:25,551 --> 00:13:28,206
predict adult hamster size?
327
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,793
- How are we going to do that?
328
00:13:29,862 --> 00:13:31,758
- Each day
we will measure Demetri.
329
00:13:31,827 --> 00:13:34,103
If the torso and tail
continue to grow
330
00:13:34,172 --> 00:13:35,965
while the testicles
remain the same size,
331
00:13:36,034 --> 00:13:37,793
then that would suggest
that the hamster
332
00:13:37,862 --> 00:13:41,620
grows into his testicles,
like puppy paws.
333
00:13:41,689 --> 00:13:44,206
Now start measuring.
334
00:13:44,275 --> 00:13:46,275
- Ms. Watson.
- Hm?
335
00:13:46,344 --> 00:13:48,206
- May I have a word with you?
336
00:13:49,344 --> 00:13:51,482
I heard about
your science project
337
00:13:51,551 --> 00:13:54,827
and how you're turning
large testies into a sideshow.
338
00:13:54,896 --> 00:13:57,482
- He's a hamster, Toby.
I don't think he cares.
339
00:13:57,551 --> 00:14:00,241
- As someone who can relate
to Demetri's predicament,
340
00:14:00,310 --> 00:14:03,103
I don't think his large
testicles should be mocked.
341
00:14:03,172 --> 00:14:04,724
- I'm not mocking anything.
342
00:14:04,793 --> 00:14:08,206
I'm conducting what will be
an award-winning experiment.
343
00:14:08,275 --> 00:14:11,241
Extremes in nature
can be fascinating.
344
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:15,620
You know, when they're not
slapping against your thighs.
345
00:14:17,137 --> 00:14:19,827
[rock music]
346
00:14:19,896 --> 00:14:22,241
♪ ♪
347
00:14:22,310 --> 00:14:24,413
- [grunting]
348
00:14:24,482 --> 00:14:25,827
[panting] Okay.
349
00:14:25,896 --> 00:14:29,068
[muttering] Come on.
Come--[grunts]
350
00:14:29,137 --> 00:14:30,931
- Are you pregnant?
351
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,793
- No, Gus.
It's a side effect.
352
00:14:33,862 --> 00:14:37,206
- So, you're just fat now?
- [gasps]
353
00:14:37,275 --> 00:14:40,931
[phone buzzes,
plays dance song]
354
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,482
- ♪ Snap out of my life, boy,
snap out of my--♪
355
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,172
- Hello?
356
00:14:47,241 --> 00:14:50,137
Yes, I applied to be
on "Shameful Teacher."
357
00:14:50,206 --> 00:14:52,931
[shrieks] I got it?
Are you kidding me?
358
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,310
Ah! School is cancelled
for life.
359
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:57,827
Ms. Snap just got on TV,
my babies!
360
00:14:57,896 --> 00:14:59,448
I'm gonna be so famous
361
00:14:59,517 --> 00:15:02,068
and I'm never gonna remember
any of you.
362
00:15:02,137 --> 00:15:03,931
Ah!
- What show you gonna be on?
363
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,482
"My 600-lb Life"?
364
00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:09,413
- Oh, no.
365
00:15:09,482 --> 00:15:13,206
♪ ♪
366
00:15:13,275 --> 00:15:15,172
- Ooh, I have a question.
367
00:15:15,241 --> 00:15:18,862
Alyssa, what's
the world's largest geode?
368
00:15:18,931 --> 00:15:22,517
- The world's largest geode
is Crystal Cave.
369
00:15:22,586 --> 00:15:25,379
- Ow!
- Carla, are you okay?
370
00:15:25,448 --> 00:15:26,827
- I cut myself
with the scissors.
371
00:15:26,896 --> 00:15:28,482
- Don't worry. It's okay.
372
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:30,724
- Keep the wound clean
as severe infections
373
00:15:30,793 --> 00:15:32,862
can become life-threatening.
- What?
374
00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:34,344
Am I gonna have
an infection?
375
00:15:34,413 --> 00:15:36,310
- No. It's a minor cut, Alyssa.
376
00:15:36,379 --> 00:15:39,206
- Untreated, bacteria can get
into your bloodstream
377
00:15:39,275 --> 00:15:41,344
and vital organs
can shut down.
378
00:15:41,413 --> 00:15:42,620
- [whimpers]
379
00:15:42,689 --> 00:15:44,551
- Stop it, Alyssa.
You're scaring her.
380
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:47,275
- Should an infection
lead to gangrene
381
00:15:47,344 --> 00:15:49,758
amputation is...
- Alyssa!
382
00:15:49,827 --> 00:15:51,551
[clattering]
383
00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:56,413
Sorry, Carla.
384
00:15:56,482 --> 00:15:58,793
We definitely don't have
to amputate.
385
00:15:58,862 --> 00:16:02,448
We'll just get you all cleaned
up and put a fun bandage on it.
386
00:16:02,517 --> 00:16:05,172
How does that sound?
- Pretty good. [sniffles]
387
00:16:05,241 --> 00:16:07,413
I guess Alyssa can't do
everything.
388
00:16:07,482 --> 00:16:10,482
- No, she can't.
389
00:16:10,551 --> 00:16:13,655
[sweeping orchestral music]
390
00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:18,275
♪ ♪
391
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:20,965
- There's free Malibu
in every room.
392
00:16:21,034 --> 00:16:23,000
- [gasps, laughs]
393
00:16:23,068 --> 00:16:25,482
[gasps] Oh.
394
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,896
This is everything
I've ever wanted.
395
00:16:27,965 --> 00:16:29,620
Mmm.
396
00:16:30,965 --> 00:16:34,275
Hi. Chelsea Snap,
reporting for "booty."
397
00:16:34,344 --> 00:16:36,931
I just want to say
I am so honored to be here.
398
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,275
This has been my dream
ever since
399
00:16:38,344 --> 00:16:39,931
I watched "The Joe Schmo Show."
400
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,517
- Are you pregnant?
This is perfect.
401
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:44,344
It'll get the viewers
all riled up.
402
00:16:44,413 --> 00:16:46,068
- Uh, no, I'm not pregnant.
403
00:16:46,137 --> 00:16:47,379
- You don't have
to convince me.
404
00:16:47,448 --> 00:16:49,241
I don't care if you drink.
405
00:16:49,310 --> 00:16:51,758
- Oh, I can't mix
with my meds right now.
406
00:16:51,827 --> 00:16:53,724
- Yeah, me neither,
but we're gonna need you
407
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,620
to drink in the evening,
you know, inhibitions.
408
00:16:55,689 --> 00:16:57,931
Also, bikini only
after 9:00 a.m.
409
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,517
- What about
a shear poolside cover up?
410
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,620
- No. Here.
Just fill this out.
411
00:17:01,689 --> 00:17:03,379
Just says
you're gonna be available
412
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:05,310
24/7 for the next three weeks.
413
00:17:05,379 --> 00:17:07,103
- Sure.
Oh, I do have one thing.
414
00:17:07,172 --> 00:17:08,689
I have this procedure
scheduled.
415
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:10,758
I just need to sneak out for
a couple of hours on Tuesday.
416
00:17:10,827 --> 00:17:13,068
- Sweetheart,
there's no exceptions, okay?
417
00:17:13,137 --> 00:17:14,241
You have to be available
to film
418
00:17:14,310 --> 00:17:16,034
the whole time or you're out.
419
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,655
You gonna sign or what?
420
00:17:17,724 --> 00:17:19,758
[melancholy music]
421
00:17:19,827 --> 00:17:22,965
- Cheers [laughs]
422
00:17:23,034 --> 00:17:28,206
[both laughing]
- Mmm, yum.
423
00:17:28,275 --> 00:17:30,344
- You know what,
I think I'm good.
424
00:17:30,413 --> 00:17:32,724
This looks like
an incredible opportunity
425
00:17:32,793 --> 00:17:36,034
and I have always wanted to be
in a nipple clamp challenge,
426
00:17:36,103 --> 00:17:37,827
but my priorities
are different now.
427
00:17:37,896 --> 00:17:39,896
I'm in the middle of freezing
my eggs and I don't want to let
428
00:17:39,965 --> 00:17:42,310
alcohol or trashy women,
whom I'm sure would become
429
00:17:42,379 --> 00:17:45,448
lifelong friends,
ruin that for me.
430
00:17:45,517 --> 00:17:47,206
I can't believe
I'm saying this,
431
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:51,517
but I'm going to choose
maybe motherhood over fame.
432
00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:54,827
Thank you for your time.
- Okay.
433
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:58,896
We're gonna need another
deluded, old psycho, stat.
434
00:17:58,965 --> 00:18:02,862
♪ ♪
435
00:18:02,931 --> 00:18:04,275
- Let me guess.
436
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:06,448
You're in Ms. Bennigan's class.
- Yeah.
437
00:18:06,517 --> 00:18:08,000
- Interesting area to explore,
438
00:18:08,068 --> 00:18:11,827
but we have to deduct points
for aggression.
439
00:18:14,068 --> 00:18:15,724
- It's okay, Logan.
We got this.
440
00:18:15,793 --> 00:18:18,827
You and I are going
to accomplish our goals.
441
00:18:18,896 --> 00:18:20,379
- This wasn't my goal.
442
00:18:20,448 --> 00:18:21,793
- Here they come.
Be professional.
443
00:18:21,862 --> 00:18:24,241
Hello. Thank you
for coming to our booth.
444
00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:26,482
This is Logan
and his hamster, Demetri.
445
00:18:26,551 --> 00:18:29,724
He has very large testicles.
- Oh, my God.
446
00:18:29,793 --> 00:18:32,172
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm talking about the hamster,
447
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:35,137
not the child.
- Those are not testicles.
448
00:18:35,206 --> 00:18:37,413
They're tumors.
449
00:18:37,482 --> 00:18:40,448
- How do you know?
- Because I'm a veterinarian
450
00:18:40,517 --> 00:18:42,827
and that is a female hamster.
- No.
451
00:18:42,896 --> 00:18:45,068
- Sorry, Caroline.
Unless it's a cure,
452
00:18:45,137 --> 00:18:46,896
cancer disqualifies you.
453
00:18:46,965 --> 00:18:49,551
- No! I need this.
454
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:53,517
Are you sure they're not balls?
How could they not be balls?
455
00:18:53,586 --> 00:18:54,689
- [groans]
456
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:56,103
- I can't believe I gave up
my career
457
00:18:56,172 --> 00:18:58,310
for my maybe future baby.
458
00:18:58,379 --> 00:19:00,034
He/she better be grateful.
459
00:19:00,103 --> 00:19:02,275
- I know this must be hard,
but you did the right thing.
460
00:19:02,344 --> 00:19:03,551
- Are you sure
you should be eating
461
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,034
the science fair project?
462
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:07,103
- I think we found our winner!
463
00:19:07,172 --> 00:19:08,724
Follicle Stimulating Hormone
464
00:19:08,793 --> 00:19:12,724
and Its Relationship to
Excessive Weight Gain.
465
00:19:12,793 --> 00:19:15,206
Congratulations, Gus.
- I did it!
466
00:19:15,275 --> 00:19:16,689
I won the science fair!
467
00:19:16,758 --> 00:19:18,862
[laughs]
- No, you didn't. Gus did.
468
00:19:18,931 --> 00:19:21,931
- Yeah, and I helped you raise
the money to freeze your eggs,
469
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,310
which made you bloated
which inspired Gus
470
00:19:24,379 --> 00:19:26,482
to the project, so I win!
471
00:19:26,551 --> 00:19:29,517
[laughs] I achieved one
of my goals!
472
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:33,172
[laughs] I win, I win,
I win, I win!
473
00:19:36,724 --> 00:19:38,655
- We're here for you, Chelsea.
- Yeah, we love you more
474
00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:40,379
than anyone
in the whole wide world.
475
00:19:40,448 --> 00:19:42,517
- Well, not all of us,
but good luck, girl.
476
00:19:42,586 --> 00:19:44,586
- Dr. Meier,
if you want to suck out
477
00:19:44,655 --> 00:19:46,724
some of the fat while
you're down there, go for it.
478
00:19:46,793 --> 00:19:48,827
- That's illegal, so no.
479
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:52,103
- Oh, dear Lord, please give me
my pre-freezing-eggs body back.
480
00:19:52,172 --> 00:19:54,275
- We'll be right here waiting
for you when you get out.
481
00:19:54,344 --> 00:19:56,724
all: Bye.
- Ms. Snap, wait!
482
00:19:56,793 --> 00:19:59,448
- Gus? What are you doing here?
- Follow-up research.
483
00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:01,758
I need a picture of your
stomach at its fattest point
484
00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:03,655
if I have any chance
of going to state.
485
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:07,137
- Get me out of here!
God, I hate children!
486
00:20:07,724 --> 00:20:10,310
[Raphael Lake's
"Teach Ya"]
487
00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:11,793
- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
488
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:14,034
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
489
00:20:14,103 --> 00:20:16,310
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
490
00:20:16,379 --> 00:20:18,172
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
491
00:20:18,241 --> 00:20:20,000
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
492
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:22,172
♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪
493
00:20:22,241 --> 00:20:24,344
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
494
00:20:24,413 --> 00:20:26,758
♪ Give what you need ah ♪
495
00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:29,000
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
496
00:20:29,068 --> 00:20:32,379
♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪
497
00:20:32,862 --> 00:20:36,068
- [snoring]
498
00:20:36,118 --> 00:20:40,668
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