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1
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,240
You can't see it yet
but this is my excited face.
2
00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:10,360
I'm doing little jumps.
3
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,840
You know someone is special
if you do little jumps
4
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,160
when you see them.
5
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,000
THEY SQUEAL HAPPILY
6
00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,280
I missed you.
7
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,920
I go to Boots at lunch
and sniff your perfume.
8
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,120
I'm on your Instagram,
like, all the time.
9
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,400
I fucked your dad
to feel closer to you.
10
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,480
And you ruined it.
11
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,880
I love her so much it makes
me doubt my sexuality
12
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,680
but then everything does.
13
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,280
It's not her, it's me.
14
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,200
So when I said I missed you I meant
like how I would miss my period
15
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,520
if it's a few days late.
16
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,000
Like, slight concern but not
enough to buy a test.
17
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,200
Are you going to talk to me, then?
18
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,600
Sorry, my mouth keeps
getting full of whisky.
19
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,360
Mate...
20
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,960
You called me in a total
fucking tizz and all I hear
21
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,400
from you since then is a couple
of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF.
22
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,520
It's not enough
to sustain a friendship.
23
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,240
Sorry.
24
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,480
It's been mental.
25
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,080
What you did was mental, Marnie.
26
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,200
You just fucking left me.
I was really worried about you.
27
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,320
I went on the Mind website
and everything.
28
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,520
I know. I'm sorry.
29
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,120
You don't need to worry about me.
30
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,000
I'm speaking to someone
now and it helps.
31
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,520
I feel a lot less anxious.
32
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,720
OK, well, all I'm saying is
if this needs to be an intervention
33
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,360
instead of a city break
then that's fine.
34
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,240
It is a city break.
35
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:57,480
Except all you'll see is this, a pub
and the inside of Shereen's flat
36
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,400
because I've only got
£87 until I get a job.
37
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,080
Wait, do you need money?
38
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,600
I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise.
39
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:10,640
He says it's because of gender pay
gaps but I think it's thigh gaps.
40
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:11,680
As in mine.
41
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,240
SHE LAUGHS
42
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,800
Are you listening to me?
'Fuck off, I don't fancy her.'
43
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:18,880
Oi. Ow.
44
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,320
What are you thinking?
45
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,400
You can't hang up on me now
because I'm right here in your face.
46
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,760
'I should be able
to tell her anything.
47
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,840
'I showed my first pubic hair
to this woman.'
48
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,680
I was thinking about your vagina.
49
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,640
Because that's what's
in your thigh gap.
50
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:48,440
SHE LAUGHS
51
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,320
Afternoon. Here he is.
52
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:00,960
Back in the driver's seat.
53
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,640
How is she handling?
54
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,440
Yes, she's very smooth.
55
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,480
Well, shan't distract you.
56
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:12,280
Thank you.
57
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:20,680
What time do you call this?
58
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,120
Um...
59
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,520
Did you get my e-mail?
60
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,920
I red flagged it.
What, as in, to human resources?
61
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,160
As in I haven't read it,
sorry, was it important?
62
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,320
Yeah, in the context of this.
63
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,520
This was going to be about that,
so it's good background to have.
64
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,160
I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry.
Sorry, um...
65
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,320
I just wanted to say
that I don't want things
66
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,800
to be difficult working here.
67
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,120
It's not great if you're finding
things difficult
on your first day back.
68
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,040
No, I mean between us.
69
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,600
Because of the cab thing. Yeah,
so...
70
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,040
I just don't want you to think
that I was rejecting
71
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,240
you because I wasn't.
72
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,080
I mean, technically I was because
I didn't and we didn't but that's
73
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,840
not because I didn't want to.
74
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,920
Physically you are thumbs up
but you're my boss
75
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,840
and I'm massively punching.
76
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,080
It's like a monkey pulling a swan.
77
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,360
I'm the monkey, you're the swan.
78
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,880
But like a black swan cos that's
more interesting than just something
white floating downa canal.
79
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,120
Anyway, I'm sort of making things
worse, so I'm just going to go back
80
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,640
and carry on doing my work.
81
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,400
What are you doing tomorrow?
82
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:31,880
Night?
83
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,000
Uh, I've got a dinner thing,
actually.
84
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,320
OK, so you'll be done
what, 11, 11:30?
85
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,080
Uh, yeah.
86
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,560
Come back to mine after.
87
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,040
Can I ask what for?
88
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,560
It'll just be a bit of fun.
89
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,360
Right, can you clarify what you mean
by fun,
90
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,880
just cos different people
find different things fun?
91
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,840
Like my mate thinks
gardening is fun.
92
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,560
Other people like, um, jigsaws.
93
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,440
I'll text you the address.
94
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,840
Meeting in 20 if you
could tell the rest.
95
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,600
Oh, my gosh!
96
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,640
Dave? There is always a Dave.
Dave!
97
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,400
What about that one there? Dave!
David. Davido.
98
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,400
Dave! He's doing a little smile.
A little smile.
99
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,760
There's something wrong with me.
100
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,000
Yeah, I know.
101
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,480
And I love you still.
102
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,560
But like, there actually is.
103
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,880
What?
104
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,720
It's to do with the way I think.
105
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,120
Have you gone Scientologist?
Is that why you moved to London?
106
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,280
Have you been brainwashed?
I'm not a Scientologist.
107
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:07,320
What then?
108
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,520
I've got OCD.
109
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,360
You don't have OCD.
110
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,840
My therapist thinks I do.
111
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,120
But you're such a mess.
112
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,800
OCD doesn't mean you're neat.
113
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:32,680
Uh, I have these thoughts
about sex pop into my head,
114
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:36,280
like, "She's got a vagina."
115
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,320
"I could snog him."
116
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,200
"That looks like a penis."
117
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,760
Yeah, but everyone gets those. No.
118
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,360
Yeah, the other day, Colin was
in the office eating a banana
119
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,360
and I was like,
"Oh, he is sucking that off."
120
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,720
Yeah, but did it make you anxious?
Yeah.
121
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,720
I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm
already desperate for my meal deal.
122
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,440
OK.
123
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:04,760
So it's like that but not at all.
124
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,600
It's in my head, like, 24/7.
125
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,720
It makes me really anxious.
126
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:16,440
So I do stuff to try and get rid
of it like move to London
127
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,480
and avoid you.
128
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:24,280
You moved to London to avoid me?
129
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,560
No.
130
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,120
You're a trigger.
131
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,760
It's why sometimes I go weird
with you because you're always
132
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,880
whapping your boobs
at me, it freaks me out.
133
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,800
What's wrong with my boobs?
Nothing.
134
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,360
No, it's not you, it's my
disorder, they upset me.
135
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:40,880
Sorry. No.
136
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,400
I can't avoid every trigger.
137
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,880
Look, don't cover them up,
come on, get them out.
138
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,160
Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to
molest me! She's fine, Dave.
139
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,680
She loves it. She loves it, really.
140
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,840
I suppose they are quite nice.
141
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,920
Why do you think I'm so
obsessed with them?
142
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,720
What's this one? Nancy.
143
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,200
That girl from the other night?
144
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,400
No, she isn't a girl.
Sorry, woman.
145
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:31,440
She's a witch.
146
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,440
HE CHUCKLES
147
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,320
Must be all right if you're breaking
the Dorothy double-dip rule.
148
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,800
SHE SIGHS
149
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,600
What is wrong with me?
150
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,160
It's just a girl, a woman,
a fucking witch, whatever.
151
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,120
Just say no to her. Can't.
152
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,960
She's going to send her little
witch monkeys after me
153
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,080
and then where would I be?
Trick her into having a bath.
154
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,080
I would love a bath with her.
155
00:08:55,760 --> 00:09:00,320
Cos then she'd melt and she'd be
dead cos she's a witch.
156
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,880
Don't text her.
No, I am taking control.
157
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,360
TV: ..ritual courtship
in their search for a mate.
158
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:18,400
Shereen!
159
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,680
I still can't believe
you live with SHEREEN.
160
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,440
She's all right.
161
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,120
Hi. It's the pussy whisperer.
162
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,720
I never understood that moniker.
I've never even had a cat.
163
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,320
Come on, bring it in.
Don't try and strike me.
164
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,600
You're welcome in my home.
You smell like 2007.
165
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:48,360
You smell like that homeless guy
who lives outside the tube.
166
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,960
Yeah, we went for drinks.
I thought you were on a cleanse.
167
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,120
Just a wee toast to the motherland.
Look what I did.
168
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,200
Ta-da!
169
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,440
And a penne gratin with
roasted summer veg for tomorrow.
170
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,680
What's happening tomorrow?
171
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,480
We're having some people
over for tea.
172
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,320
It's kind of in your honour and kind
of because they were coming over
anyway. What people?
173
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,040
People I met.
174
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,960
Oh, did you go on one of those sad
apps to try and make friends?
175
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,800
Those don't work. I've heard.
176
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,920
I met them in real life.
177
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,160
It will be great.
178
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,160
All of us together
at the same social event.
179
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,360
How often does that happen?
180
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,960
It will be like an eclipse.
181
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,520
Let's hope nobody
damages their eyesight.
182
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,600
Yeah, eclipses are
always a let down.
183
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:36,640
But they also unite everyone
together to witness
184
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,000
an historic celestial event.
185
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,280
It's just a pasta bake, mate.
186
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,720
'The other thing about eclipses
is that you're so busy looking
187
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,880
'up you don't see the massive hole
you're about to fall into.'
188
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,440
♪ Nowhere to run to, baby
189
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,240
♪ Nowhere to hide. ♪
190
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,280
So, this one here is...
191
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,840
Helen. OK.
192
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,160
And that guy there?
193
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,560
Joe.
194
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,160
Joe. Joe from work, Joe? Yeah.
195
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,600
Well, um...
196
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:22,320
Not from work now, cos I quit, but
he was at work when I was there.
197
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,160
So you keep in touch. That's nice.
198
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,160
Yeah, he's...kind of a friend, now.
199
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,280
Like us. Yeah!
200
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,560
Babe, can you, like, text my phone
cos I think it's broken? Yeah...
201
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,960
I'm just going to go and mingle.
202
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,920
He's mingling.
Mingling is happening.
203
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,520
♪ Got nowhere to run... ♪
204
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,760
Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini?
205
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,320
Are they home-made or shop-bought?
Home-made.
206
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,760
It's like when people bring
home-made stuff into work, isn't it?
207
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,680
You just don't trust it.
Do I detect some horseradish?
208
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,200
Yeah, so, what does
your house say about you?
209
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,600
It's like my old life shagged my new
life and had a delightful child.
210
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,000
It's OK, you don't have to say.
211
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,240
Let's talk about something else.
No, no, I'm going to do it.
212
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,760
Favourite celebrity animal? Um...
213
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:13,240
♪ When I look in the mirror
to comb my hair
214
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,840
♪ I see your face
just smiling there. ♪
215
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,560
So when he's not texting, you're,
like, coming from different places.
216
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,160
And it's not because they're not
into you.
217
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,680
It's just they haven't had time
to talk, because they're at
218
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,800
a meeting or in a library,
219
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,520
and they can't talk, and that's why
they should fucking text, you know?
220
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,400
Maybe you should just ring her.
221
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,960
I should just ring her, you know?
222
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,520
Hey, Nance.
223
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:44,720
It's 8:32pm on a Saturday,
and you're probably out,
224
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,480
breaking that glass ceiling,
or the mould,
225
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,760
or some hearts or something.
226
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,080
So am I, out and about.
227
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,720
He says you got him run over.
228
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,400
SHE LAUGHS
Well...
229
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,560
What happened was...
We were at this pub.
230
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,040
What, like a date? No!
231
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,720
Like the opposite of a date.
232
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,440
What's this?
233
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,880
Did I, by any chance,
leave my bra at your house?
234
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,760
Cos I arrived with it and now
I don't have it, so...
235
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,040
..if you find it...
236
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,360
..I want it back!
237
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,200
Thank you!
238
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:29,840
Um...
239
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,600
It was part of a set.
240
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,200
Of course.
That's why they're sold together.
241
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,480
SHE GIGGLES
Would you like a drink?
242
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,880
Yes, I'd like a pint of wine,
please.
243
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,920
And his shoe was still in my
pocket when I left his.
244
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,160
Because the nurse said
I needed looking after.
245
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,200
I was like his carer.
Good bedside manner.
246
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,440
Er, so, not a date,
to answer your question.
247
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,880
She wouldn't.
248
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,200
Why not?
249
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,000
Um...
250
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,120
HELEN LAUGHS
251
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:03,200
She's just not a very sexual person.
252
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,240
I'm doing all right in London.
253
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,240
I'm empty.
254
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,080
You all right? I'm fine.
255
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,480
Why, do I not seem fine?
256
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,720
No...
257
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,440
You just seem a bit distracted.
258
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,240
Is it cos of all
the people, with their bodies?
259
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,120
I'm fine.
260
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,720
Well, I WAS fine.
261
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,480
Now I feel kind of shitty.
262
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,040
Why did she ask that?
263
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,400
Am I being a perv?
Have people noticed?
264
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:56,160
It's essentially ratio analysis
and financial modelling,
265
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,720
with the overall objective of making
buy sell stock investment
266
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,560
recommendations, so...
267
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,840
Right, sounds... Complex, yeah.
268
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,080
..really quite dry.
HE LAUGHS
269
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,760
I mean, I'm more of a creative,
so that kind of stuff just...
270
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,560
Oh, yeah. ..goes over my head.
271
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,480
So, you're...you're Joe from work?
272
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,320
Work Joe.
273
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,200
Joe doing the work.
274
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,560
All about the work.
That's, that's, that's all, just...
275
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,960
Er, I do other stuff too.
Yeah, yeah.
276
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,600
JOE CHUCKLES
277
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,760
Probably not as much as me, though.
278
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,480
I, I do so many hobbies.
279
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,120
It's kind of my thing, actually.
280
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,800
It's actually how we met.
281
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,400
Oh, how did you?
Sorry, she never said.
282
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,480
Felting.
283
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,040
Cool.
284
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,120
I think it's because I'm the
extrovert and she's the introvert.
285
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,680
We just gel.
286
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,240
Like a foetus
absorbing its twin in the womb.
287
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,480
THEY LAUGH
That's very good.
288
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,760
I, I think I've really
come out of my shell...
How did you guys meet?
289
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,200
How DID we meet, Marnie?
290
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,200
Er, er...
291
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,560
We met...in a bar.
292
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,120
She chatted me up.
293
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,520
I was experimenting. What?
294
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,400
You got with her?
295
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,880
My first week in London,
the only human contact
296
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,600
I had was with an IKEA cashier.
297
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,640
And I paid for that privilege.
298
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,080
Oh, Charlie needs a drink.
299
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,120
Thank you.
300
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,880
So, how's things? How's work?
301
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,840
My, my boss came onto me.
302
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,600
What?
303
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,160
Mm, yeah, I know.
I was like, "Sarah, get off me!
304
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,760
"You're my boss!"
305
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,240
She actually wants me to go
round there tonight.
306
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,320
You should report her.
307
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,680
Well, what if I was into it?
308
00:16:58,520 --> 00:16:59,840
ARE you into it?
309
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,920
It doesn't matter, does it?
310
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,760
I mean, what am I going to do?
Turn up and...
311
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,680
..hope the little fella does too?
312
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,240
Oh, that's fear talking.
313
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,880
You need to take away its power.
314
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,080
Lack of power's kind
of the issue, though, innit?
315
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,600
I mean...
316
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:20,600
..people would understand
if you told them.
317
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,040
What, so you...
..you think I should? Yeah.
318
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,120
Go round there after this?
You think...
319
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,720
..that's a thing that I should do?
320
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,960
If that's what you want to do,
you should do that.
321
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,800
Yeah, I might.
322
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,400
GLASS SMASHES
323
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,800
Whoops. Oh, oh, fuck.
324
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,080
It's OK if I...? Yeah, sorry.
325
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,040
Oh, it's fine.
326
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,120
SHE LAUGHS
I wasn't apologising.
327
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,880
Er, Shereen, can I do anything?
328
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,240
No, no, no, no,
it's all, it's all done.
329
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,680
I'll do the dishes. Sorry.
330
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,880
It's just nice to have people over.
331
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,520
Everyone is so nice.
332
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,160
Amber invited me
to her birthday party. Oh!
333
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:23,040
She invited me too.
You don't even live in London.
334
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,640
Yeah, well, I was thinking
about it, actually.
335
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,080
You know, getting back to my roots.
336
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,360
I thought you were from Slough.
337
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:32,880
It's still London.
338
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,760
If she moves here,
I'll have to move again -
339
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,040
like some sort of pervy nomad.
340
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,480
Here we go. Hey!
341
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:55,280
I made gratin with roasted summer
vegetables. Pasta bake.
342
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,000
Delicious. Thanks, Shereen.
Thanks, Shereen.
343
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,280
Yeah, thanks for having
us around, Marnie.
344
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,280
Should I dish up for everyone?
345
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,960
SHE TAPS HER GLASS
346
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,200
I want to make a speech. No!
347
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,120
Please don't, though, cos you're
quite drunk.
348
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,880
Shhh. Helen... Shhh.
349
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,120
I just want to say...
350
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,440
..I think it's really nice
that you lot are here.
351
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:22,400
OK. Cos I know you don't really
know her, like me.
352
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,440
SHE LAUGHS
353
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,800
But do you all get
that she is special.
354
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,600
Hey! Cheers. Cheers.
355
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,920
Special, like special measures
special, cos I fall short
356
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,680
of acceptable standards.
THEY CHUCKLE
357
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,160
No! But it's fine,
358
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,680
because in spite of
everything I know,
359
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,320
I accept you.
360
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,440
Cool. Fabulous girl.
361
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,080
I love her.
THEY LAUGH
362
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,920
Do you want a bit of baguette?
363
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,960
Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth,
shut her up. You...
364
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,040
..be nice. I AM being nice.
365
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,440
So be nice, then.
366
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,480
I'm literally always nice.
367
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,720
I'm being nice just by being here.
368
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,480
Like, coming to see you
when you just left me,
369
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,040
which WASN'T nice.
370
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,600
But I'm nice.
371
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:14,800
And I'm here.
372
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,320
So, you're welcome.
373
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,480
Cheers! ALL: Cheers.
374
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,120
Great. Shall we dig in?
375
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,800
No. What? Gimme. I haven't...
376
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,560
Oh, oh, oh!
377
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,680
She just tried to get my top off!
378
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,040
Go on, then, have a good look!
379
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,320
Stop it, Helen, stop it.
I don't like it.
380
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:35,960
Maybe you should have some food.
381
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,560
Soak some of it up.
382
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:41,280
You can look all you want when I
move here. You're not moving here.
383
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,400
Yeah...I am.
384
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,560
Cos I'd do that for you.
385
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,000
Cos of what's wrong with you.
386
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,640
I don't want you to.
387
00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,240
SHE LAUGHS
388
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,400
There's something wrong with her.
389
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,760
No, there's not.
Have you not told them?
390
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,640
Don't be ashamed.
391
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,200
If they were mates, they'll get it.
I don't think she wants to.
392
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,160
She does. She does. No! She does.
393
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,560
She is obsessed with sex.
394
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,720
It's not me, it's my OCD.
395
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,920
Fuck off! Shut the fuck up!
396
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,760
She's doing it right now,
she's perving in her head,
397
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,160
thinking about all your bits and
what she wants to do with them.
398
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,760
And she has to do it, no
matter what it is,
399
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:41,880
and that's why she's
done stuff with you.
400
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,360
Even if she hasn't, she wants to.
401
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,040
Shut the fuck up, Helen!
402
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,080
SHE SIGHS
403
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,000
It's going to get cold...
404
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,520
Yeah, come on. Yeah. Plates.
405
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,520
Mmm! Nicely done.
406
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,560
You'll, er, have to send me
the recipe.
407
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,320
This looks...
408
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,600
Wow.
409
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,920
You know, she asked to see my
breasts. Fuck...
410
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,880
And I was like, fine. Jesus Christ.
411
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,160
Because I'm your friend
and I would do that for you.
412
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,800
Cos I know how sick she is
and I know that's why
413
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,800
she won't stop looking at you all...
Cover yourself up then!
414
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,480
HELEN WHIMPERS
415
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:30,400
See, she just wants to touch them...
416
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:33,000
Argh, I have OCD!
417
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:37,320
I have intrusive sexual thoughts
that give me really bad anxiety!
418
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,640
Yes, I've thought about you all.
419
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,120
No, I don't want to talk
about it, so...
420
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,960
Enjoy your fucking tea.
421
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,160
Bon appetit.
422
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,680
It's good.
423
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:35,640
Most people ruin dinner parties
with salmonella, not me.
424
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,200
If you come to my house, it's not
the food that gives you nausea,
425
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,560
it's the shocking
revelations about the host.
426
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,440
Oh, I'll do it in the morning,
Shereen.
427
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,640
Oh, it's fine. I said I'll do it!
428
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,200
Sorry. Don't apologise!
429
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,760
Why are you so nice to people?
430
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,240
You let them walk all over you.
431
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:57,320
It's not going to make them
like you, it's fucking depressing!
432
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,920
Stand up for yourself!
433
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:08,600
Sorry.
434
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:25,880
Hello?
435
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:26,920
In here.
436
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,960
Want some?
437
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,600
Actually, you don't
have any milk, do you?
438
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,640
Milk?
439
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,360
Yeah.
440
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:43,400
Yeah.
441
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,840
Thanks, just had a hankering.
442
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:57,880
Cheers.
443
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:04,560
Mm.
444
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,720
It's a nice place.
445
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,320
Good-sized rooms.
446
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,840
I'll give you a tour.
Kitchen, obviously.
447
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,800
Conservatory, snug.
448
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,240
Has she text back yet?
449
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,320
Nope, not unless she's somehow
changed her name to Mo in my phone
450
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,360
and wants to know if I want
this lovely table lamp
451
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,320
she's getting rid of.
452
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:41,600
Bit chintzy.
453
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,200
I said yeah.
454
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:45,360
Well done.
455
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:46,400
It's Irish chic.
456
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,920
That was weird.
457
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,080
Well, at least we didn't
get food poisoning.
458
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:54,440
There's still time.
459
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:00,800
Hello, Amber speaking.
460
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,960
Oh, is that your phone voice?
461
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:05,920
Nancy, hi.
462
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,760
Do you want to come round?
463
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,240
Um... Um...
464
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:11,440
I'm still out, actually.
465
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,920
OK. Well, another time, then.
466
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,040
I could do next week.
467
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,040
Yeah, just that work's a bit
full-on next week, so...
468
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,440
Oh, tell me about it!
Work is absolutely madness here.
469
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,360
She's totally using you, you idiot.
470
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:25,520
Don't do it!
471
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,840
Don't do it, just say no.
472
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:33,640
Um, I could do, say, an hour?
473
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,240
You are weak, mate!
474
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,240
So weak!
475
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:38,280
Great.
476
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:40,800
Isn't it just?
477
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:44,520
Great, so... Hello?
478
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,000
Who are you?
479
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,240
It's like when they change
Bonds, I don't like it.
480
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,680
No, cos what this
is is I'm playing her.
481
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,000
OK? I'm not going to go to hers,
and she's going
482
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,000
to be waiting, right,
and I'm going to be here
483
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,560
on the couch in my PJs,
not at her house, where
484
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,640
she is probably naked.
485
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:16,960
One second. Just going to...
486
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,000
Just going to what?
487
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,040
And...bedroom.
488
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,040
Oh, it's nice.
489
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,720
Very tidy.
490
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:30,360
It's a good size.
491
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,320
Oh, iPad by the bed - naughty.
492
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,800
Shouldn't use that before you go
to sleep cos it's blue light
493
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,360
and it keeps you up, you know,
disturbs your sleep...
494
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,520
Key performance indicator.
495
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:52,600
And no-one can find out.
496
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,280
Mum's the word.
497
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,160
Not cos you're, you know...
Yeah, sh!
498
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:12,840
Come on.
499
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:18,880
I don't know if I can.
500
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,280
If you're worried about work,
I'll be very discreet.
501
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,760
No, like, physically.
502
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,600
I've got a bit of a problem -
don't know if it works.
503
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,240
You know me, this.
504
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,560
I mean, it works sometimes,
I just don't really know when.
505
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:33,920
It's quite inconsistent.
506
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,040
I see.
507
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,280
Yeah, I just don't want
you to think that it's you.
508
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,600
I know it's not me.
It's definitely, definitely not you.
509
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:44,640
Yep, yep.
510
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,480
I... What do you want to do,
Charlie?
511
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,200
Well, if you still want to
do something,
512
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,040
then it would have to be me
doing stuff to you. Right.
513
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:05,360
That would probably help,
you'd be doing me a favour.
514
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:08,360
Happy to help.
515
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,000
Helen, Helen!
516
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:27,680
What? Your bag's on the seat.
517
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:30,160
Oh, sorry.
518
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,640
What did you just say to her?
519
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,960
I said I was sorry cos my bag
was on the seat. Oh.
520
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:40,600
Didn't know you knew that word.
521
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,560
Well, I do.
Maybe you should say it, then.
522
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,440
You should say it.
Why should I say it?
523
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,760
You're the one that behaved
like a massive bitch.
I can't believe you did that!
524
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:51,960
I travelled, like, 500 miles
to come and see you!
525
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,360
The Proclaimers are in and they're
proclaiming a load of shite!
You just ignored me.
526
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:59,360
Pretty hard to ignore
you when everything you do
is so somebody will look at you.
527
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,760
Yeah, well everyone's looking
at you now so you don't
have to worry about that.
528
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,080
Bet you hate that.
529
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:14,600
No, I hate that everyone gets fun
Marnie and I get this shit.
530
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,400
You love when I'm shit because then
nobody notices that you're shit.
531
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:18,440
You're shit!
532
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:20,520
OK, well, I'd rather
be shit than mental.
533
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,120
Bye.
534
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:47,160
Excuse me.
535
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:55,200
I'm sorry. Me too.
536
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:03,560
I don't think that you're mental.
537
00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:08,000
I was just really fucking angry
at you for leaving me.
538
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:09,360
I didn't leave you.
539
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:12,720
I left me.
540
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,200
Please come back.
541
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,080
You're not you when
you're down here.
542
00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,520
I think we need to not
be friends for a bit.
543
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,320
You can't not be my friend.
544
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,640
Cos all I've got is you and my hair.
545
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:51,720
Are you breaking up with me?
546
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:05,360
I love you, but I hate
how I feel when I'm with you.
547
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:08,600
I'm sorry.
548
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,760
I think I just need to be on my own
for a bit until I sort myself out.
549
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:28,200
Well, I should go.
550
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:31,480
Will you be OK?
551
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,120
I'll fuck your dad
to get back at you.
552
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,720
It's not me, it's her.
553
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:54,880
Light of my life,
bonfire of my existence.
554
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:58,560
She used to make me feel warm
inside, now she's set my heart
555
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,320
on fire, like an arson attack.
556
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:02,640
We are ashes.
557
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:05,120
But now new life can grow.
558
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:13,040
♪ Although I might be
laughing loud and hearty
559
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,520
♪ Deep inside I'm blue
560
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:21,760
♪ So take a good look at my face
561
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:26,680
♪ You'll see my smile
looks out of place
562
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:31,200
♪ If you look closer
it's easy to trace
563
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,360
♪ The tracks of my tears
564
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:38,320
♪ I need you
565
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:39,360
♪ Need you
566
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:40,600
♪ Need you
567
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:41,880
♪ Need you
568
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:47,480
♪ Since you left me if you
see me with another girl
569
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:51,360
♪ Seeming like I'm having fun
570
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:56,480
♪ Although she may be cute
she's just a substitute
571
00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:00,920
♪ Because you're the permanent one
572
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:06,160
♪ So take a good look at my face
573
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:10,280
♪ You'll see my smile
looks out of place
574
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:15,000
♪ Look a little bit closer
it's easy to trace. ♪
575
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:17,280
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