Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,437 --> 00:00:04,787
Previously onMom...You slept with Adam?
2
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:06,745
We only did it, like...
3
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:08,617
20 times.
4
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:10,923
You never told me you
slept with this monkey.
5
00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:12,577
You porked my wife?!
6
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:13,926
I wouldn't use that word.
7
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,015
I would.
8
00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,147
You grabbed her ass?With both hands.
9
00:00:17,191 --> 00:00:19,367
You did "bad hand" on my woman?
10
00:00:19,410 --> 00:00:22,848
I have a drinking problem.
11
00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:24,328
Come here, brother.
12
00:00:24,372 --> 00:00:25,895
Oh, thanks.
13
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:28,028
Man, you know,
I-I was just kidding.
14
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:30,030
[grunts]
15
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:36,079
You've been reading Cosmopolitan
again, haven't you?
16
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:39,256
Don't know why
every man doesn't.
17
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:41,911
I love you.I love you, too.
18
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:44,914
My friend Mitch
is coming to town.
19
00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:47,482
What?I said I love you.
20
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,962
Drunk Hollywood
douchebag Mitch?
21
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:52,965
I know the last time he was here
things got a little bumpy...
22
00:00:53,009 --> 00:00:55,490
A little bumpy?
He hit on me and my daughter.
23
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:58,101
He peed in three places
that weren't the bathroom.
24
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,495
One of them
was our good salad bowl.
25
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,236
But he's not the
same guy anymore.
26
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:03,628
He sobered up, he
divorced Leanne,
27
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:05,108
he's on a whole different path,
28
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,241
and he just wants
some bro time.
29
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:09,112
If you ever want
to have sex with me again,
30
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:10,113
don't say "bro time."
31
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:12,115
Fine.
32
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,552
You see him.
Just keep him away from me.
33
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:17,033
Actually...[groans]
34
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,254
He just wants to apologize
to you and Christy.
35
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:23,170
You son of a bitch.
36
00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:25,563
What?You waited to tell me this
37
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:27,652
till after I had
a decent orgasm.
38
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:31,265
Decent? You
practically levitated.
39
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:34,311
Fine, it was a cascading series
of body tremors.
40
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:38,141
Just like the article promised!
So, what do you say?
41
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:41,405
Oh, no, this is way too big
a favor for just one go-around.
42
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:42,841
[laughs]
43
00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,278
You're kidding, right?
44
00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:45,583
Nope.
45
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,629
Seriously, why am I
still looking at your face?
46
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,199
♪
47
00:02:11,783 --> 00:02:13,524
I can't believe you're letting
that animal back into our lives.
48
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,700
Well, at least it's only
one animal this time.
49
00:02:15,744 --> 00:02:17,093
Leanne's out of the picture.
50
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,095
I'm still kind of shocked
they got divorced.
51
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,141
Really? I'm shocked
that marriage didn't end
52
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,664
in a murder-suicide.
53
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,666
Yeah, but they're kind of made
for each other.
54
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:27,712
Like water parks and diarrhea.
55
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,671
[door opens]ADAM: Hey, we're here.
56
00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:30,889
Ugh, I can't do this.
57
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:32,543
I promised Adam five minutes,
58
00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:34,066
and then we can head
to the meeting.
59
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:35,981
I got to stop wearing stuff
with handles.
60
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:40,160
Bonnie, Christy.
61
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,162
[chuckles]:
You remember Mitch.
62
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,163
BOTH: Hey.
63
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:45,991
Hey. Thank you for seeing me.
64
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,297
Mm-hmm.Uh-huh.
65
00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:49,125
You might want to take that
as a win and leave.
66
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,172
No. No, I got to do this.
67
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:56,132
Christy, Bonnie...
68
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,090
I owe you both an amends
69
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,441
for the wreckage I
caused on my last visit.
70
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:03,966
I hope that you can give me
another chance.
71
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:05,707
[voice breaking]:
But if you can't...
72
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,970
I totally understand.
73
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:12,409
I cry so easily these days.
74
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,196
What do you think?
75
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:19,982
I think making an amends
like that is really painful.
76
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:22,593
Keep going.
77
00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:25,030
I didn't understand...
78
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:27,119
what an ass I was.
79
00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:29,818
Ooh, I like that.
Delve into that.
80
00:03:29,861 --> 00:03:33,125
I actually thought
my behavior was charming.
81
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:36,259
That's alcoholic thinking
for you.
82
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,740
Anyway, all I can do now
83
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:42,134
is try to repair the damage.
84
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:45,137
Damn it, that was really good.
85
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,270
Hold on.
86
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,927
Oh, crap. Real tears.
87
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,235
BOTH: Forgiven.
88
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:57,106
ADAM:
So,
89
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,716
are we all kumbaya here?
90
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:01,719
'Cause I'm gonna
show Mitch the bar
91
00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,199
while you two
go to your meeting.
92
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,245
Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm feeling
a little fragile.
93
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:07,116
I could really use
a meeting right now.
94
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:09,945
Do you mind if I tag along?
95
00:04:09,988 --> 00:04:12,164
Well?
96
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,950
We're not really allowed
to say no.
97
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,518
Stupid program.
98
00:04:17,561 --> 00:04:19,346
Come on.
99
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:23,175
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you just got here.
100
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:24,960
What happened to bro time?
101
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:28,137
Hey, what'd I say about that?
102
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,966
So, I'm directing this
movie in Dubrovnik,
103
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:33,229
and everybody's looking
at me to steer the ship
104
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,840
'cause, you know,
I'm the director.
105
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:40,236
And all I can think is,
"I'm a fraud."
106
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,761
"I'm a drunk. I'm a liar."
107
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,807
You're safe here.
108
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:48,288
I feel that.
109
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,552
So, I start saying the prayer
110
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:55,164
in my head, and...
I'll be darned
111
00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:58,385
if God didn't grant me
the serenity to call "action"
112
00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:01,301
and send the Harley
off the cliff,
113
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,172
through the helicopter door,
out the other side,
114
00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:04,956
where it hit
a second helicopter,
115
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,308
exploded, ball of fire,
dead bad guy,
116
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,962
that's a wrap
and a Golden Globe nomination.
117
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:12,355
Golden Globe?
118
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:15,967
Well, if you believe
the buzz. Anyway,
119
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:18,970
I'm just another drunk
trying to get through the day.
120
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:22,713
Well, a drunk
who's a Hollywood director.
121
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:27,327
Wow, lunch goes faster when
someone else does the talking.
122
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:32,332
I don't know how you handle
the pressure of making a movie.
123
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:35,117
I can barely deal
with work and school.
124
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,989
If they ever stopped making
Red Bull, I'd be screwed.
125
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:41,297
I actually won
three Red Bull Stunt Awards.
126
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:44,039
But have you ever considered
meditating?
127
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,954
I tried,
128
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:50,045
but apparently my
mind craves anxiety.
129
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,089
Well, it changed my life.
130
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:52,526
It made me
a much better director.
131
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,397
That's four.
132
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:58,009
Ladies, I just...
I want to thank you
133
00:05:58,053 --> 00:05:59,837
for letting me
into the red tent.
134
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:04,276
I-I've just been so raw
since Leanne and I split up.
135
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,322
Yeah, now, what happened there?
136
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:10,282
Well, I got sober,
and she couldn't do it.
137
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:13,068
I love her,
but I had to let her go.
138
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:17,899
Yeah, the road gets narrower,
but our life gets better.
139
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:22,425
Thank you for that.
140
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:25,472
We're all here for you.
141
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:29,693
Oh.No, no,
142
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:33,044
no, ladies, this one is on me.
143
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,743
Finally. I've been waiting
for four years
144
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,092
for somebody else to pick up...
145
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,964
Hold the phone,
is that a black card?
146
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,966
This? Oh, yeah.BONNIE:
Is it true
147
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:43,054
you can buy a Ferrari
with that?
148
00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:45,100
It's almost rude
if you don't.
149
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,323
Whoa.Right?
150
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,151
You should shoot a movie here.
151
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:55,458
I could be in it.
You know, I sing.
152
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:59,723
I'm panning, and I'm loving.
153
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:03,118
I'm panning,
and I'm loving.
154
00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:04,249
Ooh.
155
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:07,165
Recast that guy.
156
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,993
Come on, you like?It's fantastic.
157
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:12,040
Where was this place when
my blood type was bourbon?
158
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,999
I know. I would've been totally
sleeping with the bartender.
159
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,610
Oh, wait, I am.
160
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:20,527
So, how's business been?
161
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,572
Let's just say that there are
three people in here,
162
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,574
and I'm excited.I don't get it.
163
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,184
This place
should be crushing it.
164
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,491
It's got charm, character,
165
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:31,102
an owner you feel
a little bit sorry for.
166
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,846
I know. I keep telling him,
work the chair.
167
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,457
You guys done?
168
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:41,286
Never. Honestly, man, I love it.
I love it. It's great.
169
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:43,245
Thanks. As soon as we start
turning a profit,
170
00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:44,638
I got big plans.
171
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,030
I want to hear them,
but right now I got
172
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,032
about a gallon
of iced tea in me.
173
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,078
Right that way. It's the door
that says "hombres."
174
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,907
Cool.Still not sure
I should've done that.
175
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,128
So, you two seem
to be getting along.
176
00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:59,914
Well, yeah, he's sober now,
he kept his hands to himself,
177
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,742
and he paid for lunch
with a black card.
178
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,006
A black card.
179
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,530
He does love
waving that thing around.
180
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,010
Well, maybe he could
wave it at us
181
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,272
and make our problems disappear.
182
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:11,969
Seriously, if we want
183
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:13,057
to take this bar
to the next level,
184
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:14,363
we need an investor.
185
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:15,930
I don't know.
Friends and business?
186
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:18,236
That's as bad
as having "hombres" on the door.
187
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,717
Oh, come on. He lives in L.A.,
so we'd never hear from him.
188
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,197
He'd just send us money.
189
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,373
It's the exact opposite
of having a child.
190
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,114
MITCH:
Hey.
191
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,986
You ever think of putting TVs
above the urinals?
192
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:31,728
I have a buddy who produces
60-second TED Talks.
193
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,425
Perfect for the average whiz.
194
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:37,168
You go in with a full bladder,
you leave with a full mind.
195
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:39,997
Look at that,
Mitch has ideas for the bar.
196
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,609
If only we had money
to implement them.
197
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:43,610
Bonnie.
198
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,568
Are you looking for investors?
199
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:47,091
I would never put you
in that position, buddy.
200
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,137
What if I want to be
in that position?
201
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:50,660
Yeah, what if he wants to?
202
00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:53,576
Are you sure about this, Mitch?
203
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,839
100%. It's part
of the program.
204
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:58,059
The program says
that you should invest in a bar?
205
00:08:58,102 --> 00:08:59,843
No, it says
be of service,
206
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,932
help others,
get out of self.
207
00:09:01,976 --> 00:09:04,500
I'm your
best friend, man.
208
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:08,199
Let me take
this ride with you.
209
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:11,115
Damn it, Mitch. Thank you.
210
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:14,118
Well, I'm gonna let you two
have some bro time.
211
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:15,772
That's right.
That's back in.
212
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,341
I'm gonna go work
on my mini TED talk.
213
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,604
Topic: people who dress up
in spandex to ride their bike.
214
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,214
Why can't I run them over?
215
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,130
This is incredible!
216
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,828
We're actually getting
to work together again.
217
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,612
The boys are back!Yeah!
218
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,309
You cool if I have
a beer to celebrate?
219
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,616
I would be pissed
if you didn't.I got to hand it to you,
220
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,445
you figuring out a way to get
Bonnie to not be mad at you--
221
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,316
you do a TED Talk on that,
let me know.
222
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,841
It's the magic
of being on the same path.
223
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,146
[grunts]
224
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:43,583
You're smoking weed?
225
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,062
I thought you were sober.
226
00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:47,108
I am.
227
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:52,069
California sober.
228
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,157
That's a thing?
229
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:54,768
It's totally a thing.
230
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,770
I d-- I don't--
I don't drink at all.
231
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,685
But how can you be sober
if you're smoking?
232
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,557
So, uh, 20 grand enough
to get things rolling?
233
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,167
Let me get you an ashtray.
234
00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:09,130
CHRISTY:
All right. Here we go.
235
00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:10,914
Quiet the mind.
236
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,524
Yepper-dee-doo.
237
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:13,700
Why did I say that?
238
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,527
That's not a quiet mind.
239
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:18,922
[sighs]
Okay, here we go.
240
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:22,622
Ooh, can't forget that
eye appointment on Thursday.
241
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:25,407
[groans]
Stop it.
242
00:10:27,409 --> 00:10:29,803
♪ I come from a land
down under. ♪
243
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:32,414
Where the hell
did that come from?
244
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,546
My knees hurt
when I sit like this.
245
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,331
That's probably cancer.
246
00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,115
Can you get knee cancer?
247
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,813
MAN:
Christy Plunkett,
248
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:42,163
you are terrible at this.
249
00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:44,426
CHRISTY: That was my seventh
grade science teacher.
250
00:10:44,469 --> 00:10:46,036
What's he doing in here?
251
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,647
MAN:
Oh, I never left.
252
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:49,823
Great.
253
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,172
I'm mentally ill,
254
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,478
and I have knee cancer.
255
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,177
Hey, check it out.
256
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:57,961
I ordered a new sign,
and the guy mocked up
257
00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,571
what it's gonna look
like on the building.
258
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:00,964
Ooh, a neon barrel.
259
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,270
That'll really draw a crowd.
260
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:03,575
Yeah, and look
at the negative space.
261
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:04,707
It's my initials.
262
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,056
I'm not getting that.
263
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,492
What do you mean?
"A" for Adam,
264
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:08,972
"J" for Janikowski.
265
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:10,060
I see a penis.
266
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:12,062
What? What?
No, it's clearly "A.J."
267
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,890
Well, either way,
it'll draw a crowd.
268
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:16,893
Maybe two slightly different
crowds.
269
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:19,287
It's fun spending Mitch's money,
isn't it?
270
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:21,855
You want fun? Wait'll I put
in those foamless beer taps.
271
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:23,552
Ooh. And a new ice maker.
272
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:24,771
Yeah, and two more
PayPoint systems.
273
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,120
Yeah, and that necklace
we saw at the mall.
274
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:27,295
Yeah-- W-Wait, what?
275
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:30,167
Come on, you got a neon penis.
276
00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:32,735
It's Mitch's money.
But as soon as we get our own,
277
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:36,173
you can get a much smaller
version of that same necklace.
278
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:38,698
It's crazy.
279
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,134
Last time he was here,
280
00:11:40,177 --> 00:11:42,136
he was so loaded,
he couldn't stand up.
281
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:44,355
Now he's a new man.Mm-hmm.
282
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,618
Getting clean gave me
a second chance in life,
283
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,316
it's giving him a second chance,
284
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:50,144
and now it's giving your bar
a second chance.
285
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:53,364
That is the power of sobriety.
286
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,672
Yay, sobriety.
287
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,071
Adam's new sign
went up today.
288
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,028
What do you see?
289
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,769
Penis.Penis.
290
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:07,770
A.J.
291
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,293
Penis.
292
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:12,079
We see what we want to see.
293
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:14,734
I so want to see a penis.
294
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,041
Not yours, Barry.
Keep moving.
295
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:19,826
I was hoping Mitch was coming.
296
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:22,132
I wanted to tell him
he inspired me to try meditating
297
00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:23,568
and I'm a new woman.
298
00:12:23,612 --> 00:12:25,353
20 minutes in the morning,
20 minutes at night,
299
00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:28,095
and I haven't had to go
to the shooting range once.
300
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,879
Wait, what?
301
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,881
You're meditating
and it's working?
302
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,187
Yeah, easy-peasy.
303
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,493
And you only hear
your own voice in your head?
304
00:12:35,537 --> 00:12:37,278
Well, who else's voice
would I be hearing?
305
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,627
I don't know.
306
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,151
Maybe your seventh grade teacher
you had a crush on
307
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,197
until you saw him at
the grocery store with his wife
308
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,894
and then you cried
for three weeks.
309
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:46,591
Mr. Borger?
310
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,593
I slept with that guy.
You weren't missing anything.
311
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:53,250
The trick to meditating
is to develop a routine.
312
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:56,166
After a 45-minute massage,
some chamomile tea,
313
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,777
and a long soak
in the hot tub,
314
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,126
I go to my meditation room,
315
00:12:59,169 --> 00:13:01,041
get on top of some of
my big floor pillows,
316
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:03,217
and just doze off.
317
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:04,392
That's not meditating.
318
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:05,872
That's taking a nap.
319
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:07,177
Oh, what do you know?
320
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:08,396
You can't even do it.
321
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,096
Look at this!
322
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:14,271
It's packed!
323
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:15,707
The new sign's
working, babe.
324
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:17,709
The giant penis
in the sky!
325
00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:21,844
If you erect it,
they will come!
326
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:25,152
This is for
my pappy!
327
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:27,197
What's going on?Uh-oh.
328
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,852
We may not have gotten
along on this Earth,
329
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:32,072
but we'll be drinking buddies
in hell.
330
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,901
To Pappy!OTHERS: To Pappy!
331
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,206
Oh, my God, he's loaded.
332
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:37,642
He relapsed.
333
00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:39,296
This is all my fault.
334
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:42,386
What was I thinking, asking
him to invest in a bar?
335
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,997
Hey, look!
336
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,999
There's my bar partner.
337
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,261
My bartner!
338
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,219
What the hell
is going on, Mitch?
339
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:52,135
Mm, I'm trying to hug you,
but it's-it's hard,
340
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:53,310
'cause of the chair.
341
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:54,703
How do you do it?
342
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:56,096
Let's get you some coffee.
343
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:57,706
Coffee?
[groans]
344
00:13:57,749 --> 00:13:59,882
Innkeeper!
345
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:02,711
Work your alchemy!
346
00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,974
I met these guys
in the bar at my hotel.
347
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,062
They all work in insurance.
348
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:08,891
Can you imagine?
Kill me now.
349
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:11,024
What happened
to California sober?
350
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,155
"California sober"?
351
00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:13,113
You know, he gets high
but doesn't drink.
352
00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:14,549
That's not a thing.
353
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:15,593
You told me
it was a thing.
354
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:17,247
You knew it wasn't a thing.
355
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:18,945
W... Wait,
356
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:21,469
you knew he was smoking pot
and you didn't tell me?
357
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:22,949
Well, by that time,
we were partners,
358
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,125
and then I ordered
my penis sign.
359
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:28,911
This is for
my old ma!
360
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,913
May she rest in peace,
361
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,610
whenever she dies.
362
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,003
She's in a home.
363
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:35,831
I can't go. It's too depressing.
364
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,137
To Ma!
365
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,095
OTHERS:
To Ma!
366
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,141
CHRISTY:
Okay.
367
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,012
Quiet the mind,
368
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:46,320
quiet the mind.
369
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,322
A peaceful lake.
370
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:51,064
A gentle breeze.
371
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,198
Is this it?
372
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:57,200
Am I doing it?
373
00:14:57,244 --> 00:15:00,203
Look at me.
I'm doing it.
374
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,510
Suck it, Jill.
375
00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:05,034
[rapid knocking]
376
00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:06,209
LEANNE:
Mitch!
377
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:07,732
Bonnie!
378
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,430
Bonnie's daughter!
379
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:11,432
[knocking continues]
380
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,956
And I'm no longer doing it.
381
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,436
Hello?!
382
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:17,133
Coming!
383
00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:21,094
Bonnie's daughter!
384
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:25,054
Oh! I've missed you so much!
385
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,055
You have?
386
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,404
[chuckles]
Don't you remember?
387
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:29,319
We were gonna stay in touch
and be friends.
388
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:32,627
I texted you, like,
a million, jillion times.
389
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,324
I never gave you my number.
390
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,761
Oh.
391
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:40,156
Must've been a different Teresa.
392
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,636
How 'bout you let go of me now?
393
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,246
Oh. Sorry.
394
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,552
Sorry, Teresa.
395
00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:46,336
Oh!
396
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,860
I got to be honest
with you,
397
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:52,299
I've had a few drinks.
398
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,691
Yes, I know.
399
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,564
I think I got drunk
from our hug.
400
00:15:56,607 --> 00:16:00,394
Wouldn't it be great
if it worked that way?
401
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,744
Anyway,
402
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:06,400
thanks for coming over.
403
00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:08,184
You came over here.
404
00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:10,447
And please tell me
you didn't drive.
405
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,580
No, no, I boobered.
406
00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:15,583
That's when you get in a cab and
you show the driver your boobs
407
00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:18,194
instead of paying.
408
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:20,240
Where's Mitch?!
409
00:16:21,632 --> 00:16:23,243
He owes me money!
410
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:26,072
And why are you sleeping
with him,
411
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:27,595
you nasty skank?!
412
00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,379
Oh!
413
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:30,990
How'd we get here?
414
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,208
I told you!
415
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:33,949
Boober!
416
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:37,387
I'm s-- I'm sorry.
417
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,476
Sambuca makes me mean.
418
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,088
You want some?
419
00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:43,306
Easy, easy.
420
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,308
It's a $1,200 sweater.
421
00:16:45,352 --> 00:16:47,484
You were never sober,
were you?
422
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:48,485
Sure, I was.
423
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:50,487
When I was nine.
424
00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:52,359
You went to a meeting with us!
425
00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:53,925
Why'd you lie?
426
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:56,363
I want you to like me.
427
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,495
Is it working?
428
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,804
Hey!
429
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:05,459
Stanley Tucci gave me
this sweater!
430
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,809
The Tooch!
431
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,811
Larry said you didn't charge
any of those people
432
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:11,160
for their drinks.
What are you doing?
433
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,032
Listen to me, listen to me.
434
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:14,381
[sputters]
435
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:16,383
Listen to me.
[coughs]
436
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:18,689
We're listening!I have an idea.
437
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:21,301
I was in a bar in Prague,
438
00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:23,825
and they had hookers.
439
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:27,220
And people seemed to like it.
440
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:30,223
[patrons clamoring][glass shatters]
441
00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:32,312
Oh, great. My first brawl.
442
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:34,357
I'm just saying,
443
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:36,664
no one fights in a hooker bar.
444
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,885
Mitch, you miserable prick!
445
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,409
You broke my heart!
446
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:43,801
That's not Mitch!
447
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:44,846
I'm not Mitch.
448
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:47,327
You're not Mitch.
449
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:48,719
What's she doing here?
450
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:50,330
She showed up at our apartment
looking for Mitch.
451
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:51,635
I figured
if I brought her down here,
452
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,550
she'd cease to be my problem.
453
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,292
Forget about Mitch.
454
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,946
I like you now.
455
00:17:57,989 --> 00:18:00,992
Everybody,
I like Not Mitch!
456
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,387
And now she's his problem.
457
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:07,173
Oh, I feel so safe here.
458
00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:10,132
What are we drinking?
459
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:12,613
I can't believe
I fell for this again.
460
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,049
Well, to be fair,
461
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,530
I am a Hollywood-level liar.
462
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:18,140
Well, I should know better,
463
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,142
because I'm whatever's worse
than Hollywood.
464
00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:22,536
Nothing's worse than Hollywood.
465
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,842
As much as I want
to strangle you right now,
466
00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:26,975
I can't, because I amyou.
467
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,759
Well, I wasyou.
468
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:32,154
A drunk tornado
ripping through people's lives.
469
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:35,331
They wanted me
to direct Sharknado 3.
470
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:36,767
Shut up!
471
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:40,162
I'm taking the high road,
you toxic cesspool!
472
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,382
[exhales]
473
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,384
[inhales deeply]
474
00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:49,563
What I meant to say was...
475
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,219
...as long as you're drinking,
476
00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:55,351
I don't want you in our lives.
477
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:58,876
No calling, no e-mailing,
no texting.
478
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,357
What about Chapsnatch?
479
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:04,360
Nothing. No contact.
480
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:09,365
But if you
ever sincerely want help...
481
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:11,889
I'll be here for you.
482
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:15,241
Ah.
[chuckles]
483
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:18,505
I see where this is going.
484
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:22,465
Who's a pretty pony?
485
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:26,208
[sputters]
486
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,644
Adam.
487
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:30,430
[grunting]
488
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:33,433
You were always
the good one.
489
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:36,175
Why'd I stop sleeping
with you?
490
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,480
What happened
to us?
491
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,656
Give her a minute.
She'll come back.
492
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,441
What's yourname?
493
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,314
Leanne, y-you got
to get off me.
494
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:47,490
My fiancée has a temper.
495
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:48,796
Adam!
496
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:51,233
Bonnie hit me!
497
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,409
See?
498
00:19:53,453 --> 00:19:54,715
Mitch!
499
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,283
Leanne?!
500
00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,807
Why'd she hit you?
501
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,461
No reason.
502
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:03,724
Seriously? We should
all be hitting him.
503
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,379
You poor thing.
504
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,207
I know, right?
505
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,252
I miss you.
506
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,689
I love you.
507
00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:14,735
I love you, too.
508
00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,998
[grunts]
509
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,565
Let's make a baby.
510
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:20,393
It's true love.[grunts]
511
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:25,963
What's wrong with me
that I'm jealous of them?
512
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:28,488
[moaning]
513
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:37,061
Cosmopolitan, you've done it again.
514
00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:38,411
Believe it or not,
this time,
515
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:40,500
Redbook.
516
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,284
Really?Yep.
517
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:45,853
Right next to an article
about one-pot winter meals.
518
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:48,290
[laughing]
519
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,074
I love you.
520
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:51,293
I love you, too.
521
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,295
Mitch's check bounced.
522
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,950
Go again.
523
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,300
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
524
00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,302
and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
525
00:21:01,564 --> 00:21:03,871
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
526
00:21:03,921 --> 00:21:08,471
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35930
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
