All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine Nine s06e08 He Said, She Said.eng

.

- And now on to new business.
Peralta.

There's a case I'd like you
to handle.

Methodist Hospital called
this morning.

Apparently, a 38-year-old
investment banker

was admitted last night
with a broken penis.

It looks like--
- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's a finance guy
with a broken dong?

Uh, methinks some
"Wolf of Wall Street" style

shenana-googles have taken
place this day.

Anyone care to wager a guess
as to how this happened?

- Yeah, I bet he dipped it
in a pile of cocaine,

got it real numb, and then hit
a croquet ball with it.

- Totally possible.
- He probably sat on it.

- So it got under his butt.
- Happens all the time.

- Sure do.
- Ugh, you guys are horrible.

And you're wrong
because he was clearly driving

his Bentley naked,
tried to pee out the window,

and was then struck
by a goose on the wang.

Is that what happened, sir?
Was he struck by a goose?

- He was actually struck
by a female coworker

who claims he attempted
to sexually assault her.

[all groan]
- I really wish you had

stopped us
before we started guessing.

- I'm not responsible for that.

Now due to
the sensitive subject matter,

I think it makes sense
to partner Peralta with--

- Me? Because I'm the best
at sex?

- No, Hitchcock.
In fact, you know what?

This isn't your week.

Why don't you take
a few days off?

- Sweet!

Have fun working, cucks!
- What?

- Captain, I'd like to work
the case with Jake.

I have the time.

I'm three weeks ahead
on my paperwork.

- Fine. Santiago and Peralta,
talk to both parties.

Get to the bottom
of this broken penis.

- Wait. I just want
to say I think it's sad

that we as a society can
no longer laugh at the phrase

"broken penis,"
and it is my dream

that we one day shall again.
Team Broken Penis on three.

One, two, three--
- Broken penis!

- Yeah, probably should've
seen that coming.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Mr. Haggerty,
please have a seat.

Oh, you can stand
if that's more comfortable.

- No, it's cool.

The doctor said I need
to change positions

frequently so I don't form
a penile clot.

- Oh, I'm not gonna barf,
so on that note,

please explain the events
that led to your diaper.

- So last night I was giving
my coworker,

Keri, some pointers
on her trades.

Told her "lever up on VTC.

There's no fat tail
on the vol's wicked low."

I just didn't want her
to chump it.

- Right, and you spoke that way
because you were...

snowboarding?
- No, we were in my office.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, she just flipped out

and hit me
with my favorite golf club.

- Ms. Brennan is claiming
she attacked you

in self-defense after you
sexually assaulted her.

- [chuckles] Yeah,
because she's crazy.

I know we're not supposed
to say that about women.

I usually wouldn't go there
because I'm a huge advocate.

I mean, I'm the kind of guy
who thinks Kathryn Bigelow

should direct
the next "Star Wars."

I've said that out loud
to other men.

- Thank you, Mr. Haggerty.
We'll be in touch.

- Great, thanks. [unevenly]
I'm gonna stand up now.

[gradually bellows]

[knocks]
- Captain, sorry to interrupt.

I just got off the phone with
the Department of Corrections.

They wanted me to let you know
that Ernest Zumowski died.

- My goodness.

It's been a while
since I've heard that name.

I hunted him for years

and finally caught him and put
an end to his bloodlust.

In some sick way, I am who I am
because of Ernest Zumowski

AKA--
all: The Disco Strangler.

- Oh, so you knew
who I was talking about?

- Yeah, sir, you talk
about him a lot.

- You know, the yo-yo was his--
all: Calling card.

- Oh, I mentioned that too?
So how'd he die?

- He was in
a prison transport van,

and he got in
a terrible accident.

It burst into flames,
and he was trapped inside.

- [laughing]

Well, well, well,
he finally did it.

- Died horribly?
- Escaped.

Just like he said he would
all those years ago.

- I'll be coming back for you.

I'm just like disco, baby.
I will never die.

- True, disco will never die,
but you will--

all: In your cell, punk.

- Oh, so I've told that part
of the story as well?

- Yes, at every
Christmas party.

- Sir, I am the first to tout

the capabilities
of senior citizens.

I have made love to many,

but the Disco Strangler
is over 80.

I doubt that he could pull off
an escape like this.

- Oh, that's what he wants you
to think.

You're both
underestimating him.

I know 28 other people
who did that,

and they all ended up
with yo-yos

around their throats.
both: Necks.

- Nope, I said "throats,"
not necks,

which means I haven't told
that story too many times.

All right, lace up
your dancing shoes

because it's time to catch
this disco bastard.

- Thank you for coming in,
Ms. Brennan.

Can you describe your working
relationship with Mr. Haggerty?

- Absolutely.
Seth hired me three years ago

to help with large-scale
statistical arbitrage

and ever since we've been
at a steady 18% yield.

- I didn't know most
of those words,

but I'm assuming it means
you're good at business.

- I am good.
I brought in $168 million

to the firm last quarter.

- Wow, that's a lot of money.

Where do you keep it all?
It's in a computer.

I've watched
too much "DuckTales."

- No, you can never watch
too much "DuckTales."

It's my dream to have
a gold coin pool.

- Like Scrooge McD. Continue.
- Look.

I love my job,
and I'm really good at it.

I would never do anything
to jeopardize what I have,

and I'm not a violent person,

but last night
Seth crossed a line.

- Can you tell us
what happened?

- I was working late, and
he called me into his office.

He had clearly been drinking,

and before I knew it,
he pushed me into a desk

and he tried to
take my clothes off.

So I grabbed
his stupid golf club

and I hit him
in the Cookie Monster,

which is what he calls
his penis, by the way.

- Gross.
- He's the worst.

My only regret is that
I didn't get

in two extra whacks
for each of his testicles.

- What does he call those?
Bert and Ernie?

- You are actually correct.

- Ugh, I hate
that I got that right.

- So in conclusion:

the burns on Zumowski's body
are consistent

with a massive vehicle fire.

- If this even is his body.
- Excuse me?

- We're talking about
the Disco Strangler--

a serial killer,
who for six years

stayed one step ahead
of the entire NYPD.

- Not sure he had many steps
left in him, sir.

Take a look.
- Aw.

He looks fragile and sweet.
- Sweet as poison pie.

Were you able to match
the dental records

to the Disco Strangler?
- No, the body had no teeth.

- Well, that's suspicious.
- Not really.

Zumowski didn't have
any teeth either.

- Due to him being very old?
- Yes.

- What about the fact that
this corpse is 71 inches tall

when the Disco Strangler
was 76?

- He shrank over time.

- Is that another
old person thing?

- Yes, it is.
Another old person thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- We also have a DNA match

between hair on the head

of this body
and the Disco Strangler.

- Sir, this is clearly
Zumowski.

And that's a good thing.

You can finally say good-bye
to your nemesis.

- Thanks, sergeant.
That's a nice thought.

For an idiot to have.
Look at this.

- A dirty little string?

- Oh, it's not just
any old string.

It's a yo-yo string, the most
dangerous part of the yo-yo.

The Strangler wanted me
to find this.

He's out there,
and he's taunting me.

[door opens]

- Okay, Ms. Brennan,
we've discussed it,

and we think
you should file charges

against Mr. Haggerty
for sexual assault.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you,
it's a difficult process--

- Actually, I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I don't wanna press charges.

The firm just offered me
$2.5 million

if I sign an NDA
and let this slide.

- Wait, so you're gonna let
Seth get off scot-free?

- Well, that money would go
a long way

towards the Scrooge pool.
Sorry, ignore me.

"DuckTales." Woo-oo.
- I mean, I think

I have to take it.

This is a "he said, she said,"
situation.

I know how that goes down.

No one's gonna convict him
on my word alone.

The system's as broken
as Seth's dong.

- No, it's not.
I'm the system.

And I'm nothing like
Seth's dong.

- It feels like we can move off
this analogy.

- Just don't sign that NDA
right now.

Give us a chance to bring
this guy to justice.

- And how are you gonna
do that?

- By working our asses off
to find proof

that he assaulted you,
and when we do,

he will go to jail
for what he did.

I really think we can get him.

- Okay.
Yeah, let's do this.

.

- Oh, man, I'm reading
Keri's statement.

If I was a woman,
I would not work in finance.

- Oh, because it's so easy
for women everywhere else.

- Okay, I can tell
that I am in trouble.

- You're not in trouble.

I just don't think
that men understand

how different everything is
for us.

I can think of a million
examples from this week alone.

- Oh, sick!

- Oh,
sick!

- Have a great day.
- Oh, thanks.

You too.
- Mm-hmm.

You have a beautiful mouth.
Have a great day.

- Excuse me, Miss,
do you know where

I can find a police officer?

Uh, sir, you're
a police officer, right?

- Yeah, I'm a detective.
- Oh, thank God.

- I'm in uniform!

- Oh, that's why you
yelled that.

I thought you were just excited

about your general love
of uniforms.

- Usually when I yell that,
it is because of my love

of uniforms but not today.

Today it was because
of that sexist jerk.

- God, how many creeps have
I not noticed before--oh, no.

The fruit seller guy on
our corner, is he a creep?

- No, he's a real gentleman,
which is surprising

because he's always holding
those two cantaloupes

and the opportunity to be gross
is right there.

- Is it? I've never even
noticed that before.

I never wanted to make
a comment or anything

like that and thought better.
[sniffles] Anyways.

I am genuinely very sorry

that this is something you have
to go through all the time.

- It's okay.
I'm used to it.

- That's even sadder.

- I know.
But you know what's not sad?

That Keri didn't take
that insane amount

of hush money,
and now we get

to put a bad guy in jail.
- Amen.

- Wait, her firm offered her
a big deal and you told her

not to take it?
- Yeah.

Because that would mean letting

a sexual assaulter go free.

- Do you have
any physical evidence

to prove that he did it?
- No.

- So it sounds like he might
go free anyway.

I mean, at least
if she takes the deal,

she won't walk away
with nothing.

- I'm surprised you feel
like that.

You're such a feminist.

- I feel like maybe
I shouldn't be here.

- I am a feminist,
but I'm also a realist.

I'm just looking out
for the victim.

- Or should I be here
because men

should be part
of the conversation?

- Let's say best case scenario
you do find evidence.

She's still gonna have to go
through a very public trial

where they drag her name
through the mud.

Even if she wins,
she still loses.

It's two steps forward,
one step back.

- I've landed
on active listening.

I will no longer be chiming in.

- Yeah, but when one person
comes forward,

it inspires others to speak up.

And that's a hell
of a lot better than taking

a deal that lets
sexual predators walk free.

- Dude, obviously, I get that.

I'm just saying, remember that
there's a very real woman here

whose career and life
are gonna be affected

by you pursuing this case.

I'm just saying,
consider what's best for her.

- All right, the state police
is deploying 30 men

and four helicopters to comb
the area of the accident.

I felt comfortable saying

this disco-man has danced
his last disco dance.

- Sir, it's fun to see you
breaking out the old lingo,

but do you think
you're jumping the gun?

All the evidence points to
the Strangler being dead.

- Not all the evidence.
- Right.

The random piece of thread
you think is a yo-yo string.

- It is a yo-yo string.

The most dangerous part
of the yo-yo.

- It just feels like you're
trying to relive

your glory days.
- Absurd.

- Well, what do you have
in that box over there?

- Memories and keepsakes
of my greatest cases.

both: Mm-hmm.
- To remind me

of the Strangler's MO.

He always seduced an accomplice

into doing
his fiendish bidding.

I bet it was the van driver.

- You mean the woman
who was thrown violently

from the vehicle
and just barely survived?

- Yeah, I'm sure she was very
"badly injured."

- Sorry if my voice is raspy.

They just took
the breathing tube out.

- But they left the BS in?
- Good God.

- Whoa.
- So, Ms. Park,

it says in my file
that you drove Mr. Zumowski

on multiple occasions.
- Yes.

Because he had to go
to the hospital a lot.

He was very, very old.

- She's clearly been seduced.
- She has?

- Let's cut the crap.
You helped him escape.

You planted a cadaver
in the back.

You flipped the van on purpose.

Then the Strangler set it
on fire

and sprinkled some
of his hair nearby

so there'd be a DNA match.

Then he left behind
his calling card:

this yo-yo string!

- That's not a yo-yo string.
- What?

- That's part of the lanyard
we give to the older inmates

when they become fall risks.
- You're lying.

You've succumbed
to his groovy voodoo!

- Sir, I don't think
she's lying.

Look at this photo
from the file.

- Oh, my goodness.

So this string
is just a string?

The DNA was really a match?

The Disco Strangler
is actually dead.

And that chapter of my life
is forever closed.

Well, that's...

fantastic news.

- Okay, we have you
set up here.

We have a VR experience
down the hall

where you can fly like a bird,
and if you need anything else

just buzz and one
of our butlers will assist you.

- This place is amazing.
It's like a dream factory.

- We're investigating
a sexual assault

that occurred in these offices.

- Right, of course.
I know.

This is how people get tempted
by the devil.

I see what you're up to,
platter of tiny quiches.

- [sighs] We need to get
someone on the record

about Seth's
patterned behaviors.

I think if we start with--

How many tiny quiches
do you have in your mouth?

- [muffled] Five.
I'll swallow them.

Let's just start
the interviews.

- I don't think something like
that would happen here.

It's an extremely professional
workplace,

and Seth's a really good guy.

I don't think he's even ever
bought a prostitute before.

- Is that the minimum
requirement for being

a good guy these days?
- Can I go?

Beefer's birthday's starting
and a bunch of Mets are here.

- Present day or '86?

- Both.
- I'm gonna escort him back.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

Seth has never been
inappropriate with me.

He's a really good guy.

Honestly, this is an extremely
professional workplace.

- Dude, Beefer just puked in
the koi pond.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize
the cop thing was in here.

This is an extremely
professional workplace,

and Seth is a really good guy.

- Hey, I'm Beefer.
It's my birthday.

- Yeah, we heard.
- Happy Birthday, Beefer.

- Beefer's not my real name.

They just call me that 'cause
I beefed on my first day.

- Okay, but for the record,
no one asked.

- I don't have anything bad
to say about Seth.

He's a really good guy,

and this office is...
what's the word?

both: Extremely professional.
- Yes!

- Hello, Sergeant Santiago
and Detective Peralta.

I'm the Deputy General Counsel
here at the firm.

I can only assume
your questioning has revealed

nothing negative
about Mr. Haggerty's character.

- Only because you told them
exactly what to say.

- We did no such thing.

These allegations of
sexual assault are ridiculous.

- If they're so ridiculous,
then why offer Keri Brennan

hush money?
- That wasn't hush money.

That was a benevolent gesture
to allow Ms. Brennan

to get the professional help
she so clearly needs.

However, since she has chosen
to pursue this matter

with the police, that deal
is now null and void.

Furthermore,
we are terminating her.

both: What?
- We have a zero

tolerance policy
for violence here.

And unlike Ms. Brennan,

Mr. Haggerty has actual
evidence of an assault.

- He's talking
about my broken penis.

- Yeah, Seth, we know.

.

- Hey, you never came home
last night.

You doing okay?
- No, I'm a mess.

I miss Hitchcock.
- What?

I was obviously talking to Amy.

- Oh, and who's talking
to Scully?

No one.
Come on, sandwich.

- Ames, you've been working
yourself to the bone

on this case
for three days straight.

Now, I'm starting to worry
about you.

- I have to solve this case,
Jake.

Otherwise Keri lost
the settlement

and the job that she loves
because of me,

just like Rosa said.

[sighs]

But I can't find anything.

I've read through three years
of Seth's emails,

and it's mostly inquiries about
where he could buy a Batmobile.

- Tah, so stupid,
but did he find one?

Is it like at a dealership
or something? Never mind.

Look, I know this sucks,
and I hate to say it,

but we both know
sometimes you work a case

and you just don't
have the evidence.

- This isn't just a case
for me.

When I was a rookie
at the Six-Four,

my captain was my first mentor.

He helped me get
on the detective track,

and he gave me
all the best cases.

But when I finally
made detective,

he took me to dinner
and tried to kiss me.

He said that he felt like
he deserved something

in return for my career.

[voice breaking] I just

ran out of the restaurant
back to the office,

and I put in my transfer
for the Nine-Nine.

- Oh, man.

I'm so sorry.

- I never told anyone
because I felt like

maybe I didn't actually deserve
my promotion.

And I worried that I wouldn't
get anymore promotions

if I spoke up, so...

- God.

Every time I think I understand
how bad it is,

it's just way worse
than I imagined.

- This kind of stuff
has happened

to literally
every woman I know.

I just wanted to help make it
better for this one woman.

- Okay.
- Wait, where are you going?

- I'm gonna go get you a change
of clothes and a coffee.

We're not giving up.

- Okay.

Hey, what if we reach out

to all the coworkers again,
privately?

Maybe they didn't talk to us

because we interviewed them
in their office.

- I think that's a great idea.
I'll be right back.

Oh, I'm also gonna grab a comb,

but you don't have to use it
unless you decide.

- Okay, babe.

- Sir,

you haven't come out
of your office in a while.

How are you doing?
- Terrible. You were right.

I was trying
to relive my glory years,

but the fact remains,
they are behind me.

My only nemesis now...

Father Time.

- Come on, sir.
That's ridiculous.

You're on the cutting edge.

In fact, you're so progressive,

they were scared to make you
Police Commissioner.

[machine beeping]
You're as modern as they come.

What is that noise?

It's my fax machine.
- Oh, Captain.

- [gasps] Zowie. I'm young!
- What is it?

- It's an aerial photograph
from one of the helicopters

I had deployed.
Take a gander, boys.

It's him.
The Disco Strangler.

- Oh, my God.
You were right.

- Of course I was.
I know him better than anyone.

We're two sides of the same--
all: Coin!

- You've told us this story
many times.

- And you'll hear it again!

- So we're meeting a guy
named Steve.

He said he couldn't speak
openly with us

when we met him
in the conference room.

- Steve?
I don't remember a Steve.

Who's Steve?
- I am.

both: Beefer?

So your real name is Steve?
- Yeah, I hate it.

Makes me sound like a douche.
- Yeah, Beefer's better.

- So why'd you agree
to meet with us?

- I wanted to show you
this text chain between Seth

and some of the guys
in the office.

- Whoa, Seth describes the
night exactly like Keri did.

And then he writes
"LOLZ, Epic Fail."

What's this GIF he sent?

- Oh, that's Kelsey Grammer
falling off a stage.

[laughs, clears throat]
- I was really torn

about whether or not
I should send this to you guys

but then I thought about it
for a long time

and realized it was
the right thing to do.

- Oh, who would have guessed
Beefer's a secret feminist.

- No, gross. I meant it was
the right thing to do for me.

- Huh?
- If they fire Seth,

I take his job.
- Okay.

Well, we got
what we needed here.

So I think we're gonna leave

before you ruin the moment
any further.

- Sweet. I'll send it to ya.

Thanks for the promosh, narks.

- [scoffs] You're the nark.

[scoffs]

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

- All right, people,
your suspect's name

is Ernest Zumowski, better
known as the Disco Strangler.

Take a close look.

This is the most dangerous man
in America.

5'8", hunched over, 93 pounds

with gray hair
and blue-gray skin.

If you encounter him,
keep your distance.

- All due respect, sir,
seems like a lot of manpower

to take down
one sweet-looking old man.

- Oh, he's sweet, all right.
Sweet as poison pie.

- Yeah,
don't underestimate him!

I know 28 other people
who did that,

and they all have yo-yos
swinging from their throats.

- So you were listening.
- Yeah, we were saying that

all along.
- Thank you, gentlemen.

All right, troops.
Travel in twos.

Keep your eyes open,
and for God's sake,

protect the neck.

- Hey, Keri.

Great news: the DA's going to
press charges against Haggerty.

- I heard. That's awesome.
Thank you, guys.

- Hey, what's with the boxes?
Moving to a better desk?

- With a better butler and
more of those mini quiches?

- No, I'm taking my stuff home.
I had to quit.

both: Whaaat?

.

- What do you mean, you quit?
Are they forcing you out?

Because that's illegal.
- No, they're not.

But the whole atmosphere
here has changed.

Everybody looks at me like I'm
either a victim or a trader.

I mean, I'm not even on any
of the non-work group texts.

And last night Beefer invited
everybody over

for whiskey and cigars,
and I wasn't included.

- Well, I mean,
is not hanging out

with Beefer really
a punishment, per se?

- Yeah, but if I'm not
at Beefer's

for whiskey and cigars,
then I don't get invited

to Vegas with Slurpie
and Trundle,

and I'm definitely not
at Skidmark's pig roast.

- Man, these nicknames
are just bad.

- I actually came up
with Skidmark.

It's very funny
if you know the back story.

- He pooped his pants?
- [laughs] Yeah.

But the point is,
if I'm not at those events,

then suddenly I'm not looked
at for new accounts

or promotions or anything.
My career here is over.

- I'm really sorry.
I feel like a messed up.

I shouldn't have talked you
into turning down

that settlement.
- Hey, Seth attacked me.

And I'm really proud of myself

that I didn't let him
get away with that.

So, even though it sucks,
if I had to do it all again,

I would.

Especially the broken penis.

- Why'd she say that to me?
- I don't know.

[sirens wailing]

[dramatic music]

- Freeze! NYPD!

- Is that Raymond Holt I see?

You haven't changed a bit.

- Neither have you, Ernest.
- What?

- [louder] Neither have you,
Ernest.

- What?

- [even louder]
Neither have you, Ernest!

- Ugh, this is hard to watch.

- You're just as devious
as ever.

You seduced the van driver,
didn't you?

- No, I seduced the van driver.

She couldn't resist
my groovy voodoo.

- And the yo-yo string
was a message.

- The what was a what?
- The yo-yo string was--

- Captain, this is
embarrassing.

Can we just take him in?

- Yeah, you're right.
This isn't what I hoped for.

Go ahead and cuff him, gently.

- This isn't the last you'll
hear from me, Raymond.

I'm never gonna die.
- Sure you won't.

Whatever makes you feel better.
- No, you're the punk.

- Just put him in the car.

[elevator dings]

- Hey, heard you guys got
that finance creep.

Congratulations.
- Thanks.

But there's nothing
to congratulate me about.

- Amy's just upset because
the historically entrenched

patriarchy has created
a culture of victim-shaming

that suppresses any power shift
in our masculo-phallic system.

- Huh?
- I couldn't sleep last night

so I watched a documentary
on Netflix about feminism.

- I love you.

Just sucks that she came
forward to report an assault

and the only one
who truly benefited

is a guy named Beefer.
-You don't know Beefer but--

- Oh, I've met plenty
of Beefers.

- Yeah.
- Look this is a hard fight.

But it's an important one.

It's good that you convinced
her to press charges.

- But she lost the money,
and she had to quit

the job she loves.

That's exactly what you
said would happen.

- But you got the guy
who assaulted her.

And look over there.

- Keri's coworker?
- She came forward to report

an assault because she was
inspired by Keri,

which is exactly
what you said would happen.

Two steps forward, one step
back is still one step forward.

You wanna take
her statement together?

- You know it, sister.
- Yeah, don't do that.

- We can be different
and still have the same cause.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

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