Original subtitles

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

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BOOGEYMAN: You want me to do what with this?

HILDIE: You heard what I said.

Don't defy me.

Just do... as I say.

BOOGEYMAN: Yes, madam, it's just that...

HILDIE: Stop complaining.

You want to keep the position I have given you here,

then you have to prove your worth.

BOOGEYMAN: Okay, I just don't understand

how this is going to help us find her.

I mean, he doesn't know anything.

HILDIE: It's much more than that.

I can easily find another chair for you.

Can I just say something here?

You have no right to speak.

Besides, you should be grateful.

You get to be my first guest...

Clover.

From now on, this camp is officially...

...open for business.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[LIVELY MUSIC]

Ooh.

[LOUD CRASH] Whoa!

[CAT SCREECHES]

[LAUGHING]

[YELPING]

[SNAKES HISSING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]

A longstanding feud that has come to the forefront

of popular discussion in recent months

has escalated dramatically.

Unprovoked violence and riots have become commonplace.

The world sees a need for change,

but is still unclear on the proper course of action.

President Shump has consistently spoken out

against the segregation

and urged for an increase in unity among our great states.

I'm here with a leading

non-human rights activist, The Wicked One.

Is there anything you'd like to say

about the president's speech last night?

Do you think that our country's hopes rely on

an openness to compromise on all sides?

As you can see, this is a very serious issue...

Fuck her right in the pussy!

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

[CLOCK TICKING]

NICK: Oh.

Stan! Jesus!

Nick!

Is it so hard to say, excuse me, Dr. Cole, occasionally?

I mean, what, did somebody piss on your shirt?

No, no, look, okay, my fiancee and I,

we've been having a couple of problems lately,

and she thinks that I'm hiding something from her, which...

Well, you're cheating on her, right?

No, I would never do that.

I love her.

All right, what do you want from me?

Okay, so, I've had a lot on my mind recently,

and I accidentally scheduled an AA meeting tonight

that I can't make.

You...

You gotta cover it for me.

Oh. They're really good people!

You could really, really help them,

and you might even learn something.

Oh, I know plenty.

Okay, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, look, I can't risk going to this meeting.

Look, if you cover this for me,

I'll cover your meetings for a week.

A week? A week.

You can catch a lot of fish in a week.

Well, it has been a while.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

Just so you know, it's kind of a weird group of people,

so it's not actually here.

What, what, what, what?!

No, it's fine!

It's 8:15, Hopkins Hall, I'll text you the address.

You'll be wonderful, you'll be fine!

I love you!

You'll be great!

Beautiful!

[SIRENS / FLICKERING LIGHT]

Excuse me, you know where the AA meeting is?

You one of them?

The basement's the right place for your type.

You know, prohibition ended in the '30s, pal.

[CLOCK TICKING]

[GROUP CHATTERING]

Hi.

And you are Mister...

Johnny.

Johnny.

Hi, Johnny.

Who are you?

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked.

Everybody, would you please take a seat?

Hi, I'm...

Yeah, anywhere, just sit anywhere.

I'm Dr. Stanley Cole, and I am an alcoholic.

Hello, Dr. Cole Hello, Dr. Stanley Cole.

I am substituting for Mr. Lane

who has a family emergency.

Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves?

You know Johnny, and...

I'm Catherine.

Catherine.

Timothy.

Nice to meet you.

Could you speak up, please?

Tim.

His name's Tim.

Thanks, Dave.

Higgins, Dave.

Hi, I'm new.

I'm Ted, it's my first time here.

I'm Anne.

Annie.

Anne Marie.

Whichever you'd prefer.

Annie.

I'm Bella.

I bet you have a lovely smile.

Could you show me your teeth?

Always with the teeth, Bella.

Okay.

I don't know how we work the program here,

but um...

...just start the sharing?

Anybody have a burning desire,

something that might have took them off the rails

a little bit this week?

Yes, Catherine.

I was tempted at the supermarket the other day.

[IRISH MUSIC]

I was in the frozen food section,

checking out the TV dinners, when there he was.

It was so adorable how he climbed to the top of the fridge,

with his sexy red beard, cute freckles,

great style, and this perfect little ass.

Ooh, that's what I like to hear.

Tell me more about that perfect little ass.

Oh, my gosh, it was amazing.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you crosstalk here?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Go on.

Anyway, just as he reached the six-pack,

he lost his balance.

[BOTTLES CRASHING]

I mean, I don't know how he did it,

but somehow he managed to save the beer.

I felt bad for not helping him,

but I knew I couldn't 'cause I'd be too tempted.

Well, thank you for sharing.

I'm Irish.

[GROUP CLAPPING]

Uh?

Timmy.

Timmy, anything you wanna say?

You know, someone once said to me,

you know, don't wait till you know what you're talking about

before you open your mouth, or you'll never get the program.

You, anything, Tim.

I can't get her outta my mind.

Her or it?

Are you working the steps?

What step are you on?

The fourth.

That's usually where I get my best angle.

What, I don't understand.

You're drinking on a step?

I'm watching her.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Thinking of her, loving her, cherishing her,

I masturbate a little bit,

imagining our lives together, what our kids would look like,

I masturbate some more.

Oh, this might not be the right meeting

for you to cover that.

Oh, no, no, no, he's in the right one.

Now, let me finish.

Er, I mean, him finish.

Could you go back to the masturbating part again?

She's weird.

Parents are probably weird too.

Maybe they get in on it?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[LOUD SNARL] [GLASS CRACKS]

[FAINT SQUEAKS]

[JOYFUL MUSIC]

Okay.

[PHONE RINGING] Oh, sorry.

Just...

Oh, why don't we take this moment for the seventh tradition.

Just pass the hat, would you?

And I gotta take this.

What the hell have you gotten me into here?

What, you got something in your ass,

and she finds it attractive?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, if, you know, it's all right with you,

in the long run, I don't know, maybe go for it, I guess.

What? I can't hear you.

You're breaking up here.

Let me call you right back.

[PHONE DIALING]

[BUSY SIGNAL BEEPING]

Okay, who's next?

Well... Alright.

Story you've all been waiting for...

Mine.

It all started when I was a kid

and I lost my first tooth.

[CHILDISH MUSIC]

And then I fell asleep until...

[MAGICAL MUSIC]

[GIGGLES]

Go to sleep, little one.

Shh.

[TOY SQUEAK]

You wouldn't believe the stiffy I had.

Oh.

Weren't you nine?

Yeah.

Inches.

Oh, that's right, I forgot, you like them small.

Anyway, back to the feature presentation.

At this point, I had lost all the teeth

that I was gonna lose, and I hadn't even been able to catch

a single glimpse of her elusive beauty again,

so I started scheming.

[LOUD CRACK] [GROANS]

As you can see, that plan fell through.

I tried again, only this time, more recently.

Three.

Two.

One.

[YELPS] [DOOR SLAMS]

[TOOTH BOUNCING]

Oh, yeah!

You pulled out your two front teeth?

I mean, you got rid of your two most visible teeth

in order to make somebody who likes teeth like you?

It's kinda dysfunctional, don't you think?

So using that tooth as bait,

I set the ultimate fairy trap.

[CHILDISH MUSIC]

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

I almost missed my opportunity when...

[MAGICAL MUSIC]

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

My love!

I got you!

I finally got you!

[LAUGHS]

[LOUD WHOOSH] [HIGH-PITCHED TINKLING]

What, my love?

Baby?

[LOUD THUD] [GROANS]

[GROANS]

[MAGICAL / HORROR MUSIC]

Think you broke your wand.

Don't worry, the magic's not in this one.

Oh, shit.

You know there's more than one Tooth Fairy, Dave.

No, there isn't!

Everyone says the Tooth Fairy, not a Tooth Fairy,

so why don't you shut up

and learn how to speak English, you dry humper.

Bella, what brings you here?

Vampires.

They really make my blood boil.

Ghosts give me goosebumps, and I give them goose humps.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Hold on.

I didn't even know this was a problem.

Neither did I.

Maybe if I would've known,

I could've gotten my brother the proper treatment.

Treatment?

That's why I'm here,

to share his story and help whoever I can.

You see, my brother's obsession

turned out to be his downfall.

Ned was the kinda guy who was fascinated by nature.

He loved everything and anything in it...

...animals in particular.

There was only one thing

that my brother Ned loved more than his pets,

and that was their ability to grow hair, lots of hair.

Ned was bald, very bald, like all over everywhere bald.

His envy of hair developed into an unhealthy attraction.

That's why his most prized possession...

was the hairiest of them all.

[HYPNOTIC MUSIC]

[GROWLING]

Hush.

Hush, my love, relax.

Relax, my love.

[GROWLING]

I want this time to be really meaningful.

I want you to be able to touch me...

as I touch you,

to feel me,

to know me,

to be inside me.

Now, why don't you show me the missing link?

[GROWLING]

Oh, yes!

Yes!

[LOUD CRACK] [SCREAMING]

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ Oh

♪ Oh

♪ Buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ Oh

♪ Oh

[SIGHS]

We are not meant to be with these creatures in this way.

They deserve to be respected.

They do not exist to be our slaves,

so please, I urge you all to stop.

This is a sickness.

If you obsess over them, it'll only ruin your lives.

Don't let my brother's death be in vain.

I think Ted has a point.

I mean, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

And you can't force love.

I mean, I think that's a lesson

that we could all take from this, don't you?

Hey!

Fuck face!

What, excuse me?

Fuck face?

Why don't we talk about my problems?

You don't even know what they are!

This is my fourth session and I've only mentioned my name.

Okay, well, calm down, Annie...

No.

It's Anne.

Okay, Anne.

What's your problem?

What's my problem?

I'll show you.

This...

...is my problem.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah.

Now we're in session.

[GASP]

[SOFT HONK]

[CLATTERING]

This is my problem.

[SQUEAKING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[LOUD WHOOSHES]

[DEVILISH LAUGHS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] [EVIL LAUGHING]

Who dares awaken me from my slumber?

You!

Oh, no, shit.

Oh, shit.

No, no, you don't want me,

you want Night of the Living Dead.

He's really fucked up.

Yeah.

You!

[GULP]

[YELP]

Who did that?!

Who did that?!

Aw, it's you again, Annie.

It's been three years!

Three years!

Have you ever spent three years in a teapot?!

Why you being so mean to me?

You keep pulling me in and out of this thing.

Can you please put me back in a big lamp?

I mean, I've been good, haven't I?

I think I know what my last wish is going to be.

What is that?

I can't keep you bottled up if you don't wanna be.

I wish...

I wish for you to be free.

[HEAVENLY MUSIC]

Is that it?

Did you have your fingers crossed or something?

I mean, what is this, some kind of a big joke?

No, I think we're free.

We?

We, bitch?

You've been out here waltzing around,

I've been in that damn lamp.

Okay.

I think that's all the time we have for today.

I think we had some good breakthroughs.

Mr. Lane will be in next week or next month or whenever,

and I'll try to stop by and say hello.

Okay.

Good meeting.

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

Honey, I'm home!

Hope you're nice and wet for me!

You wouldn't believe the meeting I came from tonight.

There's some real lunatics in that place.

[ENCHANTING MUSIC]

But I don't care.

I've come to see my Bubbles.

My little Bubbles.

[CHUCKLES]

How rude of me.

Here, you want some?

Can we play hunt for clams?

You don't like that game?

[SPITTING]

Maybe I should consider moving you to the pool.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

ALYSSA: I just don't understand why you had to help him.

Well, he needed the help.

I mean, by the time he was washing his hands in the urinal

which was when I figured out that he was gone.

I made sure that he got home okay.

Safety first.

Why won't you believe me?

I do believe you.

But you always go too far outta your way to help people.

Yeah, it's the right thing to do.

Well, you're better than me, babe.

That's why I love you.

That is the only reason.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, mm-hm.

[LAUGHS]

I love you.

By the way, thank you for lunch

and getting me out of eating the food that they have here.

Speaking of which,

I have a wonderful dinner planned for this evening.

Mm.

I can't wait.

[GASPS] [SCREAMING]

Oh!

Can it wait?!

What?! I can't make it tonight.

Why?! I have to work.

I'm gonna be here all night.

All night?

What do they need you to do here all night?

Honey, I told you, I am trying to do

as much work as I possibly can.

You keep disappearing for no reason.

I don't like it when I wake up in the morning

and you're still not home.

Honey, I do not do this every single night, okay?

This is a once in a while thing.

I'm trying to pay for our honeymoon.

It's gonna cost us a fortune.

Okay.

Nick, you know how I feel about infidelity,

so if there's someone else,

you need to just say that right now.

Alyssa...

No.

Alyssa, no.

There is no one else.

Then be with me tonight.

I can't.

Well, I sure as hell can't marry someone I don't trust.

Enjoy your night.

Alyssa.

[LOUD THUD]

[CRASH / GLASS BREAKING]

Oh.

♪ I can bring you back to life

♪ I can bring you back to life

♪ I can bring you back to life [LOUD SPUTTERING]

No.

No.

[SCREECH / MUSIC STOPS]

[IGNITION WHIRRING]

Come on.

Come on.

[IGNITION WHIRRING] Not tonight.

Come on.

Dammit.

Come on, Falcon.

[HISSING] Come on.

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

Oh, God.

This'll work.

That should do it.

Come on.

Please, God, if you start this car, I will love you forever.

[IGNITION WHIRRING]

Fuck you, God!

Fuck you!

Son of a bitch!

♪ [ROCK MUSIC] Sit on my hand, play a little sin spin ♪

Oh, Jesus.

You need a hand, stranger?

Or if it's a big problem, you need two hands?

[CHUCKLES]

No, I'm sorry, I'm good.

You scared the shit outta me.

Ah, it's quite alright, it's quite alright.

Let me just take a deep look inside.

Sometimes, you have to get real close to the base.

Here we go, one, two, three.

Ooohhh!

Ooohhh. Whoa.

Okay.

Hm.

Yeah!

There's a lot going on in here!

Lots of stuff.

Is this the new V7?

It's a beaut!

Yeah.

What do you see?

Oh, man.

[LOUD SLAP] Nice to meet ya!

Name's Finbar.

But only my friends call me that.

Oh!

Ah!

Here is your problem.

Yeah!

Looks like you were using the wrong stick of gum.

Hm. [SNIFFS]

Hm.

Not sticky enough.

No worries!

I can give you a ride.

You like to sing in the car?

Truck's a little bumpy, but it feels nice on your heinie!

[CLATTERING]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[SNIFFS] Hmmm.

Mm.

That's not okay.

FINBAR: Hmm.

Hmmm.

You know, I'm good.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

I'm just gonna, I'll call someone for help.

You can go.

This green piece of shit.

Hm, what's this? Mama.

Hm.

[GRUNTING] [CLATTERING]

I was looking for this.

Yeah, this was nice.

Okay!

I... You know it's just a wee

bit tight, but you can sit on my lap.

That shan't be a problem.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm just fucking with ya.

You know, tweaking your tits?

You should probably just come along with me.

It's gonna be a full moon tonight,

and all the freaks are out.

Yeah, I know.

Just hop on in!

Sit on my face!

Ain't it nice?

Had to flip it over, though.

Wasn't too comfortable with people sitting on my pee-pee.

I prefer they sit on my face.

I think I can fix it.

I think I'm good.

Alrighty!

[YELPS]

Suit yourself!

I guess I'll go fuck myself and be on my way...

'Cause mine's right side up!

Ha ha!

Get it?!

Gets me every time!

Ah, shit!

Ha!

Alright, I'll see you later.

Take care.

[TRUCK REVS] Yeah!

[LAUGHS]

Yes, baby!

Woo-hoo!

♪ Let me do the Finger Dance [ROCK MUSIC] ♪

[LOUD HONK] [ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC]

[LOUD HONKS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[ICE CREAM MUSIC DIES]

Hello?

Is anyone in there?

ANDY: Hello?

Hey, sorry, I'm just having a little car trouble.

Well, why didn't you say so, friend?

I'm Andy of Andy's Abominable Snow Cones, and you are?

I'm Nick, it's a pleasure to meet you.

No, it's a pleasure to meet you, friend.

What seems to be the problem?

I actually don't know, but if you can give me a hand,

I could totally pay you.

Pay me?!

Nonsense!

I'd be glad to help.

We're friends.

Snow cone?

No, I'm good.

I'm actually in a little bit of a rush.

Not a problem, not a problem.

I understand.

You see, us snowmen have been mechanics for centuries.

Dipstick Depot, that's my brother Ricky's place,

and Lube Palace over on 8th, that's my cousin Freddy's,

and RJ's Rimjobs, that's my Uncle Bobby's,

so I kinda got a feel for these things.

Snow cone?

No.

Well, you see, your problem here is this thing is shot.

You looked so quick.

How did you see anything?

Well, that's the other thing

you hu-mans don't know about us snow-mans,

we have impeccable eyesight.

Except for my brother-in-law Stan.

He's blind.

So what do I do?

Well, you should hop in the back,

have all the snow cones you want,

and I'll take you where you need to be.

Alright. Yeah!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

We are gonna have so much fun together!

Okay. Yeah!

Yes!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[SPITTING]

Oh, it's good.

Yeah, it's real good.

You know, I'm felling a little bit woozy.

[GROANS]

Nights like this always make me think about it.

BOOGEYMAN: She's fine, Hildie.

I can feel it in my bones.

One day, we will go get her back.

But right now, you can't lose focus on what's important.

We'll make them all pay,

even if we have to do it one by one.

I know the importance of what we're doing here.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

My lady!

BOOGEYMAN: Who dares disturb us?

You, oinker!

We've captured another one!

BOOGEYMAN: What did I tell you

about barging in here with useless information?

Yes, I know, sir...

BOOGEYMAN: And isn't capturing the humans

what we do everyday?

You seem to be telling me what I already know.

I know, I know you know, but...

BOOGEYMAN: So this little piggy needs to take his fat ass

back to his post before I huff and puff

and sell you over to Boar's Head.

But we found chains!

BOOGEYMAN: You found chains?

Monster chains.

He's one of those monster mashers.

BOOGEYMAN: Monster mashers?!

Well, why didn't you say so?!

I've heard enough!

Look into this.

BOOGEYMAN: Yes, as you wish.

Bring him to me.

Ahhh.

Oh, where am I?

BOOGEYMAN: Nicholas.

Why am I here?

Who are you?

BOOGEYMAN: Who am I?

[LAUGHS]

The question isn't who, but what.

Alright.

What, are you?

BOOGEYMAN: When you think you're alone in the dark,

tucked away safe and sound,

I am the reason you can't sleep at night.

I'm the one that makes the hair on your neck stand up,

when your body begins to stiffen,

and you notice a bump rising from beneath the sheets.

Wait.

Are you hitting on me?

[CHUCKLES]

BOOGEYMAN: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

[LAUGHS]

Whoa, why are you doing this to me?

Do you know that I'm a...

BOOGEYMAN: Do I know that you're a monster masher?

And that you get off on enslaving our kind

for your own disgusting pleasures?

Monster masher?

What are you talking about?!

BOOGEYMAN: Oh, being coy now, are we?

So, then, what do you have to say about these?!

I can explain those.

BOOGEYMAN: No need to explain.

We have all the explanation we need.

You are one of the rare bunch

who likes to play with the goblins' goblets, aren't you?

Or perhaps tickle Peter Piper's pickle?

Or maybe play with Rumpel's foreskin?

And I'm willing to bet you'd enjoy giving our friend Andy

some abominable blue balls to make him suffer!

No, no, no, you got it all wrong!

BOOGEYMAN: Well, now it's time

to make you suffer, Mr. Lane.

I cannot guarantee you'll enjoy your stay here with us,

but I can promise that we'll try to make it

as pleasurable as possible.

So let me be the first to welcome you to Camp Morningwood.

Don't understand.

I'm an AA moderator.

BOOGEYMAN: Oh, believe me, by the end of all this,

you'll wish you were drunk.

Not that kind of AA.

BOOGEYMAN: Silence!

One day, you humans will learn to never disrespect us again!

But until that time,

we shall give you a taste of your own medicine.

Pig!

Pig!

Bring your fat ass over here.

Oh, give me a break.

Wait here.

[PHONE DIALING]

[POLICE RADIO CHATTERING]

[PHONE RINGS]

9-1-1, what's your emergency?

SHERIFF: Hop into your cage.

I'll throw you some lettuce.

Mm, I'll take eight bundles.

You sure you don't want the bricks?

They're on sale.

No, I like the look of the hay.

It's, ahh, more natural.

More bang for your buck with the bricks.

I'll give you a good deal.

No, no, I got this under control.

Thank you, Gary.

Alright.

Step up, shy man, I'll be with you in a second, alright?

SHERIFF: So you're telling me

the Abominable Snowman drugged you

with a grape and watermelon ice?

Yes.

You see, I find that hard to believe.

The Snowman makes the best grape and watermelon ice

in the whole town.

Are you serious?

I don't have time for this.

Come on, man, I'm the one who doesn't have time for this.

I mean, he's selling the ices for 2 dollars!

That's a great deal!

And I don't think too kindly of you people

coming down on monsters like this!

It's not right!

I don't hate monsters.

I help monsters.

I hate kidnappers!

You see this guy?

He's a monster!

He's a beast!

Huh?

And he's the nicest guy I know.

Are you kidnapping any people, Beast?

[GROANS]

He said no.

Good day, sir!

No, no, no!

Shit!

Who else can I call?

Oh.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

So much nicer than the twigs.

Doc, thank God, I need your help.

I'm being harassed and they got me held captive.

What?

What, you got something in your ass

and she finds it attractive?

No!

Well, I don't know.

I mean, if, you know, it's alright with you,

in the long run, I don't know, maybe go for it, I guess.

What are you saying? I need your help!

What? I can't hear you.

You're breaking up here.

Let me call you right back.

[SIGHS]

Dammit! [KEYS JINGLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

PIG MAN: Ooh, someone's in trouble!

BOOGEYMAN: Where did you get this?

What? Don't I get a phone call?

BOOGEYMAN: Throw him into the double pen.

Oh, my!

Already?!

BOOGEYMAN: Yes!

Single won't do.

Are you sure?

BOOGEYMAN: Don't question me, piggy.

An eye for an eye.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, God, I crack myself up.

So, did you see the game last night?

No.

If my wife caught me watching a game on my free time,

she'd put me to sleep.

Mm-hm.

Little trouble in Dreamland?

Oh, you can say that again.

She's really been flipping my hourglass lately.

She doesn't seem to understand that I got a job to do.

Mm. I have to work

the graveyard shift.

Sounds like you got a little sand in your vagina, buddy.

Yeah, sand, and that's another thing.

I've had enough with this sand.

Have you ever been down to the beach

and gotten sand in your shorts?

Hm?

Mm.

That's my life.

The chaffing on my balls is unreal.

Your balls?

I don't wanna hear about your balls!

My balls used to belong to some other guy.

Ho-ho! Yeah, yeah.

You think you got problems?

My people have been persecuted for thousands of years.

Do you hear me complaining?

Here we go again.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Awhile back, I was out on a date,

waiting for this hot piece of ass to show up,

when this schmuck calls me,

"Frankenstein, Frankenstein, Frankenstein...

[SLOW MOTION]... Frankenstein!"

[LAUGHS]

Oh, well, that really twisted my bolts

because after all these years, everyone should get it right.

My name is Frank Stein!

It's Jewish!

[SIGHS]

I think that little shit did it on purpose.

I understand.

No, I don't think you do.

You see this?

This is Frankenstein.

See him with those, fakakta hair there?

Dr. Frankenstein made me...

Frank Stein,

or sometimes referred to as Frankenstein's monster.

I'm okay with that.

Frankenstein.

Frank Stein.

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein's monster.

Preferably, Frank Stein.

Frankenstein.

Frank Stein.

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein's monster.

Frank Stein's monster.

[GRUNTING]

PIG MAN: Don't try anything funny!

The security is rock solid here at Camp Morningwood.

Yes, it's easy for me to understand,

but what about Bernie?

You get it, Bernie?

Bernie, I'm talking to you.

You may have one eye, but I know you got two fuckin' ears!

I'm sorry.

Do you need something, Virgil?

You answer me when I'm talking to you.

Oh, my mistake.

Sometimes, I zone out when I'm keeping an eye on things.

Yeah, that's why you got hit by a parked car last week,

you dopey bastard.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're what my people would call a schlemiel.

Oh, thank you.

I've heard that before.

You're really fuckin' stupid, you know that?

Yeah, that's why his wife left him.

His wife didn't leave him.

She was chopped down.

He married a fuckin' tree.

[LOVING MUSIC]

[LAUGHS]

Classic.

I got a new monster masher.

Why don't you bring him in, Bernie?

But I thought I wasn't allowed to handle the prisoners.

Nope, new rule, straight from the top.

You got a promotion.

You're allowed inside now!

Yaaaay!

Jeez.

That's great.

I've never been inside before.

Everyone deserves to experience the double pen.

Go pop that cherry.

[PIG MAN CHUCKLES]

[LOUD THUD] Ow.

Ooh.

Okay-dokey.

Thank you.

[NICK GROANS]

[GROUP LAUGHING] [LOCK SNAPS SHUT]

Aw, come on, guys!

I got a promotion!

You can't do this to me anymore!

[SIGHS]

No fair.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Hey, man.

Are you okay?

[SIGHS]

Nah, just not feeling too good.

That time of the month, huh?

[COUGHS]

Yeah, something like that.

I just gotta get outta here now.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, don't we all?

Do you not know what's going on here?

No.

Do you?

Oh, I do.

I really do.

So tell us what you did.

Yes, we'd all love to hear it.

I didn't do anything.

Come on.

You must be the dirtiest of them all.

This is no place to be shy.

Tell us.

Yeah.

Don't be a chicken shit, chicken shit.

[MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING]

[MORE CLUCKING]

NICK: I said I didn't do anything!

Alright!

Okay?! Okay!

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's getting late.

Don't matter what he done,

we're all fucked,

and I mean literally, like we're gonna get fucked tonight.

PIG MAN: Frank just took one of his bolts out!

And his head fell off!

[GROUP LAUGHING]

Kick it, kick his head.

[LOUD THUD] Ow!

Bernie?

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good, actually.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

PIG MAN: Put it back on!

It smells like shit!

You sure you're okay?

No one wants to play with me.

I'm ugly.

NICK: You're not ugly, Bernie.

I'm not okay.

I took so many anti-depressants last week,

I went blind in my left eye.

It's the same thing everyday.

I wake up,

I put my contact in,

I brush my tooth,

I comb my hair,

and I come to work.

The same thing.

Look, I know it's tough,

but you can't let what others think about you

affect who you are.

You gotta be true to yourself.

See?

Our friend Bernie here could teach us all a lesson.

Now, you guys have been here a lot longer than I have,

and you see the way he's treated,

and why, because he's a little different?

Because he's a little slow.

I'm slow?!

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Being different is who you are,

and why should that be a bad thing?

Right?

I mean, who's to say that being different is wrong?

Oh, so touching.

Filthy little maggots, aren't they, humans?

BOOGEYMAN: Oh, yes, my lady.

Oh, filthy.

Filthy indeed.

What are you doing?!

BOOGEYMAN: Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

[SIGHS]

Any word on our new prisoner?

BOOGEYMAN: No, not yet, I couldn't get him to talk,

but don't worry, he'll crack soon enough,

and [GASPS], oh, my.

What a nice crack, it is.

How could you be so selfish, you faceless fuck?!

BOOGEYMAN: Jesus.

Just lounging around while people like that are out there!

BOOGEYMAN: You're right, Hildie!

God, you're right!

My deepest apologies.

It's not me you should be apologizing to,

it's poor Esmeralda.

But you can't do that, now can you?

Because she's not here.

And I thought you cared about her.

BOOGEYMAN: I do!

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, clearly, you weren't!

[SIGHS]

How dare he?

How dare he come into this place

meant for monsters to live in peace, and...

BOOGEYMAN: Take her from us!

She's probably being tortured as we speak.

BOOGEYMAN: Don't say that.

They must all suffer for their ways.

Revenge is the only thing that matters.

Revenge on every one of these humans!

What's your name?

My name is Evan.

Evan, can I ask you why you're here?

The yeti.

No, it's how you got here.

I'm asking why.

Because the monsters are mad,

and they're taking it out on me, on all of us, okay?

Didn't we go over that, new guy?

No, we did, I just...

Why do you think they picked you?

Because...

Well, because I haven't exactly treated the monsters

how they like to be treated.

And why is that?

They're below us, everyone knows it.

They're not humans, and they shouldn't be treated like us.

[CHUCKLES]

That's not true.

Okay, why am I being...

[LAUGHS] What the hell

are you laughing at, Kylie?

Do you hear yourself?

What?

She's laughing 'cause you're black, you idiot.

Okay, fine.

So you're telling me you don't all feel the same way?

Not really.

Men are assholes.

Monsters are better.

I think they're sexy.

You see, Evan, you can't persecute someone

for being different than you are,

especially when in the end, we all have so much in common.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

These humans are all the same.

They can't be trusted!

BOOGEYMAN: Oh, yes, madam.

But don't worry, things are being set straight as we speak.

['70S MUSIC]

[CAR REVS]

Uh, uh, uh, that spot's reserved for the boys.

Well, where am I supposed to sit?

Ahh... you see, that's just it, Hill,

I'm going away to college at the end of summer

and you're staying here, and maybe...

Maybe it's smart if we just end this now,

you know, before anyone gets too attached.

But I...

I...

I hope you lead a miserable life.

Now, if there's anything else

you'd like to say before you run...

Don't feel too bad.

You gave a great blowjob.

['70S MUSIC]

Where the hell is everyone?!

My name is Andy.

I'm a yeti, I sell snow cones, and I hate humans.

Okay.

Why do you hate humans, Andy?

I don't... know.

Um. When did this, uhh...

When did this feeling of hatred start?

I don't... know.

Well, do you remember something from your past

that might have triggered this?

Well, 'cause Madam Hildie told me to, does that count?

That counts.

Mm. Okay.

Why did she tell you that?

Now that, that, I do know.

Alright, everybody, form a line.

I've got plenty of snow for everyone's cones.

I got lime, I got a watermelon,

I've got a very special dingleberry flavor.

That's my personal favorite.

You ever wanna do something useful, Andy,

instead of being a servant to these rotten little kids?

Hey, no cutting!

BOY: Yeah.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[LOUD SLAP] [GROANS]

Hey!

You think you're so tough with your magic wand?

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

[HILDIE LAUGHS]

You're not one of them.

You're one of us.

Soooo...

No, I don't.

I thought I did, but I don't.

I don't... know.

Can we just move on?

He clearly doesn't know anything.

Hold on, hold on.

Actually, this is good.

This is a perfect example of...

An idiot?

A moron.

Jackass.

Homo.

No.

This is a perfect example of somebody

who blindly follows the crowd.

ALL: Oooohhhh.

So, I hate humans because they won't let me eat them,

what does that mean?

What's your name?

Introduce yourself.

Oh, I'm Pete.

I'm purple...

and I eat people.

Okay, and do you see how that could create a problem?

Yeah, but why should I care?

They don't care about me.

He's right.

It's not fair.

They hate us.

They don't treat us fairly,

so why should we act any different?

Because not all humans are the same,

just like not all monsters are the same, you know?

I mean, sure, there are bad ones,

but the point is not to stoop to their level.

Oh, so we should do nothing.

Hm, let me ask you a question, doc.

How's that gonna work?

How is fighting them gonna work?

It hasn't worked for anyone anywhere so far,

and short of killing all the humans, mm,

or killing all the monsters, it won't, alright?

It's just gonna drive us further apart.

Snow cone?

[CHUCKLES]

No.

I'm gonna guess that none of you guys felt very confident

before you ended up here, right,

that none of you really accepted yourself.

We either do what we're told, or what was easy,

or what took the attention off of ourselves.

Fuck off.

Guys, the problem isn't with each other,

the problem is with ourselves.

You know, doc, you may be onto something.

I haven't looked in a mirror since '92.

Come on, guys, I know you can do this.

Can you?

I think he's right.

We're all God's creatures.

I'm sorry, guys.

Pete.

I'm sorry too.

[HEART WARMING MUSIC]

Yeah.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

See, Bernie?

We did it.

Let's not fight anymore.

Walk out of here friends, not prisoners.

Start the trend, buddy.

The others will follow.

[LOCK BREAKS]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

You know, I'm not the smartest, doc,

and I'm okay with that.

But I find that people who aren't okay with themselves,

they tend to take it out on others.

You got a good heart, Bernie.

[GUNSHOT]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

NICK: Oh.

[CAR UNLOCKS]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Hey, Alyss!

Here I am!

Mm-hm!

Come sit down.

Hey.

So, why are we here?

Because I like this place,

and I don't wanna be eating anywhere

where they got them things in the kitchen.

I agree with you, Finbar, but...

Can't trust 'em, just can't trust 'em,

especially when I have to talk to you about this.

Oh, my God.

It does exist.

Where did you get this?

I found it.

What?

I was driving to my spin class, and I had a yeti sighting.

♪ "Habanera"

I had a feeling way deep down in my sack,

and I knew this could be our chance.

[CAMERA SNAPS]

I spun that son bitch around real stealth-like,

pulled a Huey Lewis, and waited to make my move.

So I followed them all the way to their camp,

marked it on the map, snapped that there photo,

and came here for a nice piece of pie.

Speaking of pie, where is my pie?

Nancy!

Where's my pie?!

Hm?!

You were actually there?

Yeah.

After all these years...

I really started to doubt myself.

I thought this day would never come.

The fuck is wrong with you?

This is good!

And you're always telling me that you're the smart one.

It is, it's just...

There are so many thoughts

running through my head right now.

I'm finally gonna be able to get my revenge,

to do to those monsters what they did to my family.

Don't worry your pretty little head of yours, Alyss.

Soon you'll be starting a family of your own.

The American dream.

The whole 69 yards.

I mean, you're getting married for Pete's sake.

I just can't believe that asshole beat me to you.

Hey!

You haven't even met him yet.

He's a really great guy.

So great I don't even deserve him.

If he's great, then you do.

But if he doesn't stop fighting with you,

I'm gonna stick this fork up his rectum.

Mm-hm.

Right here.

I think we fight because we care.

When I look into his eyes, I know how he feels about me.

Ah, those puppy dog eyes.

Somehow they just make everything all right.

Here's your pie, Funbar.

It's Finbar.

But only my friends call me that.

So I'm just gonna keep calling you Funbar, then.

Ah, don't do me like that, Nancy.

We're friends!

Hm.

Mm, yeah!

Mm!

Nice, warm apple pie.

So delicious in my mouth, the squishy tenderness,

goes right down so easy!

Mm!

Cinnamon.

So cinnamony.

That cinnamon?

It's pecan pie!

I know!

Just a shame they're killing all them birds.

Pelican.

So what's the plan?

We can't just walk in there.

We need weapons.

Weapons?! Shh.

Maybe we should just slow down just a little bit.

We're not ready for this yet.

What?

I'm just fucking with ya.

You know, tweaking your tits?

We're gonna give it to those dirty rotten monsters tonight,

right after I excuse my asshole.

You know, it's been leaking for about 20 minutes.

I've been sitting here really patiently,

and it's dripping down to my sock.

I need to change my socks now.

But I gotta do it right now

before things get a little messy down there,

so I'll be right back.

Let me just clean up.

Mm-hm!

[SPANK] Ooh, there it is!

Mm.

Mmmmm.

If you're being held here against your will,

just let me know, I can help you.

What?

Just blink twice, I'll make sure he doesn't touch you.

No.

Oh, my God, no, no, he's my friend.

Okay, I'm sorry, but you gotta see

where I'm coming from, right?

[SNIFFS]

I mean, I can still smell him here.

That's what that is?

Yeah, it's not good.

Look, just take this, okay?

This kid can take care of you

in case you ever need protection.

Pew, guns and shit.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[GROANS]

Also, you should call me

'cause you're really, really pretty.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[HUMMING]

[LOUD THUD] [YELPS]

[FINBAR CHUCKLES]

Alright, we're getting in, we're getting out.

Whatever you do, don't tip her off about why we're here.

Alright, but I'm not knocking.

I knocked at the last house and it was the wrong place.

Finbar.

What?

You have a way better knock than I do!

Okay!

[KNOCKING]

[POUNDING]

You think she heard it?

Mm-hm. Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi!

Can I help you?

Yes, hi, ma'am.

We are looking for...

an "Eat My Eight Equal Sign Equal Sign D."

You wouldn't happen to know where he is, now would ya?

What?

That's the wrong paper.

Oh, that was from last week.

But I still need that.

Thank you.

We're friends of your son's.

Oh!

Well, any friend of Jamie's is a friend of mine.

Come on in, I'm making some tea.

Okay, but we can't stay long.

Tea.

And you.

[FINBAR SNIFFS]

Sugar?

BOTH: Yes, please.

What?

Better when it's fresh.

ALYSSA: Thank you.

So...

How do you know my Jamie?

Well, we posed nude together at the community college.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, Finbar, you are confusing him with someone else.

No, no, that's definitely it

Miss Alfredo's class room 111.

You know, there was a big incident, the kid touched me.

Not a big deal... [LAUGHS]

My gosh!

[FINBAR CHUCKLES]

Don't mind, Finbar, he loves to kid around.

[STOMP]

Hm.

Hm.

Did you kick me, bitch?

No.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

That's, um...

So, where's my homeboy Jamie at?

Hm?

I think he's upstairs in his room.

[SIGHS]

Good.

So...

Uh...

Is your husband home?

Oh, no, honey, he left us a long time ago.

[SIGHS]

Actually, my piece of shit father left me and my mother

when I was really young, so...

I'm so sorry.

It's so hard on the kids.

May I ask why you two would fight?

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC]

Teabag.

Oh, what's up? Yeah.

What's up, pussy?

[SWORD RASPS] Who the fuck are you?!

What? What's the password?!

Password? The password,

the fucking password!

You need a password to get up in this bitch?

Okay, okay.

Is it, uh, it's gherkin, right?

It's gotta be gherkin, hm? That's not even close.

Okay, fat boy, let's just calm ourselves down one minute,

and I'll come again in a second.

No, now, fucktard, before I cut your tongue off

and I wipe my ass with it.

Okay, blumpkin!

Good, right?

I'm in... Dude, that's even worse

than your first guess.

Okay, listen, I'm here because someone told me

that you were the guy to talk to

for some good ol' fashioned monster-killing weapons.

That right?

I guess you could say that.

I did say that.

Would you say that?

Listen, kind sir, we desperately need...

What do you need?

So we found this camp where monsters are torturing humans,

and we need to...

Use me for my uncanny ability to fuck shit up

and make those dirty bastards squirm?

Hell yeah, I do!

Mm-hm!

Now show me what you got!

I got blue balls!

Oh, shit!

You outdid yourself, little plum.

Let's get physical.

You're my hero.

Mm-hm.

That's really tough, dear.

But, you know, if he's as great as he seems,

I'm sure he'll understand.

Well, who knows?

What if he can't handle it?

What if he thinks I'm crazy and not a good person?

Learn from my mistakes.

Honesty's the best way to go.

Alright, let's wrap this shit up, ladies!

I got a monster to strangle

and I'm not talking about the ones at the camp.

Going out with my friends, Ma!

You can't wear that.

Why? I look good.

No. Fine.

We have to go.

But thank you so much for the talk.

It really meant a lot.

It's my pleasure.

JAMIE: Hey, jugs!

Good luck.

Be safe!

Ahhh!

Dammit!

I mean, a man like you is ready for anything,

and you don't think to carry a can of bug spray?

I mean, I can kill an elephant, but not a mosquito.

Do you ever shut up?

No!

They're all over me and my sweet blood,

it tastes like penis to them!

What?

Penis.

I taste like penis to these little suckers.

What is wrong with him?

What, you don't get it?

It's like that movie.

You ever see James and the Giant Penis?

You know, there's a big penis, everyone sees the penis,

they say, "Wow, what a big penis."

Then the penis flies away, and they say,

"Where'd the big penis go?"

Then it comes back and they start nibbling on the penis,

and then they sing Kumbaya.

It's a cult classic.

I watch it every night.

Last Tuesday, I gave it a standing masturbation.

So, you're saying peaches?

Yes, peaches.

Peaches.

Yes, peaches.

Okay, then we're settled on peaches.

Yeah, peaches.

You know...

...like cock.

Right through this clearing over here.

That's where I followed that fat son bitch.

Set up.

Almost midnight.

Start cracking some skulls.

We need to wait for our window of attack.

[GUN FIRES]

[GROUP SCREAMING] [LAUGHS]

Yeah, I got that son bitch right in the eye!

ANDY: Bernie!

That's a bullseye!

JAMIE: He didn't see that coming.

Wait a minute.

[SCREAMING]

There's humans down there.

What?

[TENSE MUSIC]

[GROANS]

[GROWLING]

Oh, my God!

He ate him!

He fucking ate him!

[GUN COCKKS]

[GUN FIRES] [GUN COCKS]

[GUN FIRES] [SWORD RASPS]

It's gametime, guys.

Let's do this!

You heard him.

It's gametime!

That's what he said, it's gametime, baby!

[GROANS] Oh, shit!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SNORING]

[LOUD CLANGING]

[LOUD BOOM] [GUNS FIRING]

What is happening to my camp?!

Get up, Boogey!

Get up and fix this now!

[GUNS FIRING]

My prisoners are escaping!

Go! [BOOGEYMAN SCREAMS]

BOOGEYMAN: Christ!

Every time!

[GUN FIRING] [LOUD CLANGING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS] [ALARM WAILING]

[GUN FIRING] Yeah!

Run, you son of a bitches, run!

I'll kill you all!

[GUN FIRING] [LAUGHS]

Hm.

I think I'm outta bullets.

[GUN CLICKING]

Hm.

Oh, no, you don't! [YELPS]

Come to papa!

No! Shut up, shut up!

[SCREAMING]

Yeah, shh, shh!

[SNIFFS]

You know you smell like shit?

No, I think that's you.

[SNIFFS] Really?

Yeah.

[GRUNTING] [YELPS]

FINBAR: Bitch!

BOOGEYMAN: What's going on?

[SCREAMS] Go, Mama, go!

Mama, go! Bloody hell!

It's worse than I thought!

Here, don't let them catch you!

Shoot yourself if you have to!

[FRANK GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Look who it is.

You.

[LAUGHING]

[SLOW MOTION LAUGHING]

[SLOWER MOTION LAUGHING]

Don't you say it.

Don't you say it!

Frankenstein.

You son of a bitch!

[LOUD SLICE]

♪ "Ave Maria"

♪ "Ave Maria"

[LAUGHING]

Can we get a hand for Frankenstein over here?

Anybody, huh?

You?

No?

Alright.

[LOUD SLAP]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Come on, tough guy.

Schmuck.

You schmuck.

[GRUNTS] [LOUD SLICE]

No!

[BOOGEYMAN SCREAMS]

BOOGEYMAN: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

[SCREAMS]

Oh my God!

Ahhh!

ADAM: I'm an animal!

I'm an animal!

I'm gonna eat ya.

ADAM: You're gonna eat me?

I'm gonna eat you too!

[COMICAL MUSIC]

[LOUD CLANGING] [GUNS FIRING]

[LOUD CLUNK]

[LOUD CLUNK]

[KYLIE SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERS]

What did you do to Nick?!

[WHIMPERS]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[WHIMPERS]

[LOUD THUD]

[SNARLING]

[SIGHS]

Finally complete.

Perfect.

[SCREAMS]

Wolf!

[GROWLS] Fuck!

[GROWLING] [SNARLING]

Who is this guy?

He's gone mad!

What are you doing, man?

The humans are killing us.

We need your help!

This sand is ridiculous.

Why can't I just do it with a wand?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Ha! [MAGICAL TINKLING]

[WHIMPERS] [LAUGHS]

You could've just taken one handful outta the bag.

Crazy! Crazy!

You want my balls?

You want my big fat dick?

You want my big, fat purple dick?

Let my sister go!

What?

Let her go!

Alright.

You run along now, Missy.

I'm gonna deal with the uglier one first.

[CHUCKLES]

Just because you're extremely handsome,

doesn't mean you can treat us like that.

Listen here, purple nurple, okay?

I'm a full-blown women's advocate.

I don't fight the females,

so why don't you just go on with your way

and I'll go on my way, back into the forest,

and I'll head home, we'll never see each other again.

Okay? Sounds good?

[LOUD THUD] [GRUNTS]

Hoo, hoo.

You like that?

Uncle Finbar delivered you some medicine.

Hm? You like it?

Hm?

Looks like you did 'cause you're speechless.

Ha ha.

[LOUD THUD] [GROANS]

[YELPS]

My peppers.

My sweet sausage and peppers.

You bitch!

[FART]

Was that you or me?

[GRUNTING]

You're so dirty!

Oh, my God, yeah!

Oh, shit!

That's right!

Ohhh! Ah..

My gooch!

[GROANS]

My gooch, you destroyed it.

That's my precious area.

[GRUNTS] [LOUD SLAP]

[FINBAR GROANS]

You fuck!

I hope you're enjoying last breathe of air!

[TENSE MUSIC]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[LOUD SLURPING]

[GUN FIRING]

[LOUD BOOM]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

[CRASH]

[GUNS FIRING]

And now...

I want to suck...

your dick.

[EXCITED GIGGLE]

[GUN FIRING]

What the hell?!

What'd you do that for?!

Months!

Months I've waited for this.

[NONCHALANT WHISTLING]

[GUN CLICKING]

[GRUNTS]

BOOGEYMAN: What are you doing here, porky?

[WOLF HOWLS] [SCREAMS]

PIG MAN: There's a big bad wolf outside!

BOOGEYMAN: Oh, shut up!

Are we safe?

BOOGEYMAN: I think we're good.

We'll just wait for all this to blow over.

PIG MAN: Hold me.

Mm.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[SQUISH] [ANDY GROANS]

Hey! Whoa!

Whoa, I didn't see that there.

You got all that foliage and whatnot.

[YELPS]

Okay, okay.

It's just one dude touching another dude's junk.

[GROWLS]

[YELPING]

No!

Oh, my God!

Spare me you fat bastard!

Please, I'll buy you enchiladas!

I'm begging you, please!

[YELPS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Whoa!

[LOUD CRACK]

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

[WHIMPERS]

[GUN COCKS]

Don't move.

Get off him, you beast.

Come on, I know you hear me!

Let him go, or I swear I won't hesitate to kill you.

[WHIMPERS]

Now leave.

Go!

Come on, go!

Don't tempt me!

Come on, all of you monsters!

Get out of here, leave!

Never come back!

You got it all wrong.

Shut up!

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

It can't be!

[UPLIFTING MUSIC]

[HIGH-PITCHED HUM]

[GROANS]

Ooooh.

I know that cracker.

[GROWLS]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Nick?

Hey.

I almost killed you.

You're a werewolf?!

Yeah, look, I've been meaning to tell you that.

Were you?!

I was worried about how you'd react,

and I still kinda am.

Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

You two know each other?

ALYSSA: He's my fiancee.

Damn.

Oh, really?

Nick.

Gross.

So now you're being honest.

I am always honest with you, Nick.

That's why I felt so terrible about keeping it from you!

It was wrong of me to be so selfish.

But you're a fucking werewolf!

And you hunt us.

No, listen...

No, you listen, okay?

Look, I've always had trouble accepting who I am,

and I thought that you were gonna have

trouble accepting it as well.

Clearly, I was right.

No more secrets.

[WATER SPLASHING]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[GROANS]

I can't keep you bottled up if you don't wanna be.

Dr. Cole?!

Nicholas?!

Dad?!

NICK: Dad?!

My goodness.

Alyssa, is that you?

Wait, he's your father?!

You know him?!

We work together!

You work with my dad, and you didn't tell me?!

NICK: You can't hold that against me!

I just found this out!

You work with my fiancee?!

My Ally is the one that you've been having

problems with lately?!

I am not your anything!

You told him?!

A little.

You told me he was dead!

You killed me?

That may not have been entirely true.

Really? Hm.

I know.

I know, really bad timing,

but that's the last lie, I promise.

Nick, I'm sorry.

Honey, you're so beautiful, and you're all grown up.

Don't you come near me.

Honey, let's just calm down.

Just tell me what's going on.

[ALYSSA SIGHS]

Your friend, Dr. Cole,

abandoned me and my mother.

Well, it wasn't like that.

I mean, her mother and I were having problems.

I was a child.

You ruined our lives.

I know.

And I can see nothing's changed.

You still got a case of beer riding shotgun.

No, no, no, I'm sober.

I'm so... Well, a couple of beers.

You have to understand, when I left your mother,

I was in a bad place.

Okay, so you left the bad place,

where your family who depended on you just happened to be,

to run off to what?!

Live happily ever after with some fish you caught?!

Alyssa, sweetheart.

He left us to rot!

You didn't care how I felt!

You didn't care how Mom felt!

I was a coward.

[LOUD CRACKLING]

[LOUD WHOOSHES]

Coward! Is an understatement.

Hildie?!

What are you doing here?

BOTH: You know her?!

You know her?

What, you speak?!

Oh, my dearest Stanley, tell them.

Well, we used to be friends in high school.

Friends?

Friends, that's what you'd call us?

Ohh, Hildie!

I would've given up forever... for you.

It's okay, Madam Hildie.

We have Esmeralda back.

We'll finally have some peace on the reservation again.

Plus, it seems to me that he didn't even mean it, right?

Right?

It's true!

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] [SCREAMING]

[LOUD BOOM] [SPLATTERING]

It's not true!

Anyone else care to speak up?

I didn't think so.

Did you all think I did this for her?!

[LAUGHS]

Of course you did.

Pathetic!

Personally...

I would've rather him killed the bitch!

Okay, okay, relax now, Hildie!

[LOUD CHARGING]

[SPARKING]

[CRACKLE] [SCREAMS]

Jesus Christ, wait, wait!

[CRACKLE] [SCREAMS]

Okay, okay, Jesus!

Shit!

Just a... [CRACKLE]

You're on your own, buddy.

That's okay, Stanley!

Run away!

What else is new?!

Shoot her.

If there any bullets in this gun,

I would've shot you 10 minutes ago.

Dammit.

Ma'am, let's just...

[SIZZLING SWOOSH] Nick!

You're coming with me!

Let's see if your beautiful baby girl

can force you to be a man!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

You could've been half witch.

Hildie!

Let my daughter go!

Oh, this should be good.

Don't hurt her!

Now, your problem's with me!

Here I am, take me!

I'm all yours!

Let her go!

[LOUD CHARGING]

[LOUD CRACKLE]

Whoa!

[GRUNTS] [LOUD CRACKLE]

Let me tell you, you haven't aged very well.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[CHARGING]

[LOUD CRACKLE] [GROANS]

Daddy!

[LAUGHS]

[GROANS]

Ahhwww.

Ally!

Whatever happens, I love you!

Never stopped loving you since the day you were born!

You thought you could run from me,

but, oh...

how you were wrong.

[PAINED LAUGHS]

What are you laughing at?

You think this will make you happy?

You're wrong.

You've been hating humans your entire life,

and in reality, you only hated yourself.

We're no different.

That was touching.

Anything else... before you die?!

[WAND HISSING]

You gave a great blowjob.

[WASTER SPLASHING]

[SCREAMING]

[STEAMING]

[MELTING]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Why'd you do that?

I don't deserve your help.

Yes, you do.

I see, now, that you're a really good man,

and you deserve a second chance.

All these years, why didn't you say something?

Because you're an asshole.

Daddy. Oh, sweetheart.

I love you.

Oh, I, ow!

Ow. Oh!

Oh, my gosh, you're bleeding! Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

Here, right here. Oh.

Hold that. From now on,

I'm gonna be there for you and for Nicholas.

Thanks, Stan.

No, no, I... No, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I've been waiting my whole life for this.

Well, turns out I'm a terrible shot,

but I think everybody's okay.

Everyone except Bernie.

Who's Bernie?

[FLIES BUZZING]

Oh, him.

Yeah, he's dead.

He's very dead.

So don't you wish you came along with me

instead of eating that shit-flavored snow cone?

I don't know.

I think things turned out okay.

You know him too?

No, he...

This son of a bitch didn't wanna sit on my face.

What's the big deal, Nick?

I sit on his face all the time.

Excuse me?!

Oh. It's seat covers.

We were talking about seat covers.

He offered me a ride when I was heading up to my cabin.

Ah, the cabin where you work your overnight shifts.

Yes, and by overnight shifts,

if you mean to chain myself up

and keep everyone safe until morning, then yes.

It's actually a really nice place.

Sounds like a party.

ALYSSA: No more hiding.

NICK: Mm.

We're still gonna keep the chains, right?

Yes... Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look, I'm glad that you and Nick have found each other

and all of that, but please no more chained up,

sit on my face slumber party conversation

around me, alright?

Will do, sir.

I think I'm gonna take that week and go fishing.

Oh, yeah, promise is a promise.

Yeah, I think maybe two.

Maybe two. Sure.

Hey, I'm starving!

Who wants to eat?!

I know this great little place

with some nice penis cobbler.

It's delicious!

You know what else I like?

You guys ever been to Loch Ness Tavern?

They have great Haitian food!

Is anyone even listening to me?

It's because I'm black, isn't it?

Uh, can someone please put me back in the fucking lake?!

♪ "Chains of Love"

♪ They say it's not natural

♪ Like some kind of strange disease ♪

♪ And I'm feeling like a criminal ♪

♪ Now I don't know what to believe ♪

♪ I don't wanna live in shame

♪ For the things I can't control ♪

♪ And I don't wanna be to blame ♪

♪ When everything blows

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I need to know if this is real ♪

♪ Or maybe I'm the only one

♪ That's not afraid of how we feel ♪

♪ Now the seams are coming undone ♪

♪ And I can't keep ya here

♪ If it's not what you want

♪ Bottled up in fear

♪ Hiding it all

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ No matter what I do, won't let me go ♪

♪ I won't let it go

♪ There's something here I can't explain ♪

♪ And it's tearing my world apart ♪

♪ Though I know it can be tamed ♪

♪ And it's breaking my heart

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

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