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1
00:00:16,078 --> 00:00:18,012
Hello.
2
00:00:18,293 --> 00:00:19,626
So... sorry.
3
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To activate your Janet,
4
00:00:21,529 --> 00:00:24,264
press nose for three seconds.
5
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:25,583
Okay, okay.
6
00:00:25,617 --> 00:00:28,552
Um, can you walk yet?
7
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Here.
8
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Oh.
9
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Hello, I'm Janet.
10
00:00:34,259 --> 00:00:35,226
Shh.
11
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- Hello.
- Shh.
12
00:00:37,462 --> 00:00:38,796
Hello, I'm Janet.
13
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I really need you to shut up.
14
00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:51,141
Where did you get this?
15
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Did you actually get
into the Good Place somehow?
16
00:00:53,144 --> 00:00:54,912
Didn't need to. They keep their Janets
17
00:00:54,946 --> 00:00:56,981
in a neutral pocket dimension
18
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,983
beneath the shapeless time void.
19
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It's right next to Accounting.
20
00:01:00,952 --> 00:01:03,254
And you just walked in and stole her?
21
00:01:03,288 --> 00:01:06,523
It was that easy? You didn't have
to choke out an angel or anything?
22
00:01:06,558 --> 00:01:08,158
Doors were unlocked, no security.
23
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:09,960
I mean, it makes sense, right?
24
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They're good,
so they're stupid and trusting.
25
00:01:12,397 --> 00:01:14,198
I understand that you need
the four humans to think
26
00:01:14,232 --> 00:01:15,766
they're in the Good Place,
27
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,269
but using an actual
Good Place Janet seems risky.
28
00:01:18,303 --> 00:01:19,770
Why don't you just have
a Bad Place Janet
29
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pretend to be good?
30
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,374
I thought about it, but... watch.
31
00:01:23,408 --> 00:01:24,375
Bad Janet?
32
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What up, skidmarks?
33
00:01:25,977 --> 00:01:27,811
Let's try that thing again where
34
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- you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay?
- Aww.
35
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,883
Now, really... really try your best.
36
00:01:32,917 --> 00:01:34,551
- Fine.
- Say, Janet,
37
00:01:34,586 --> 00:01:37,221
where can I get some
delicious ice cream?
38
00:01:37,255 --> 00:01:38,956
Oh, there's a wonderful parlor
39
00:01:38,990 --> 00:01:40,858
in the middle of town square.
40
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My favorite flavor is rocky road.
41
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It contains chocolate ribbon,
marshmallows, and your...
42
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:54,104
dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!
43
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I see what you mean.
44
00:02:00,211 --> 00:02:01,879
Use the good one.
45
00:02:03,615 --> 00:02:06,317
Janet, you and I are about to have
46
00:02:06,351 --> 00:02:09,486
a real adventure together.
47
00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:10,988
Wait a second, Janet.
48
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What... what are you...
What are you telling me?
49
00:02:12,524 --> 00:02:14,325
Are you saying that
because you're glitching out...
50
00:02:14,359 --> 00:02:16,860
The neighborhood is
in danger of total collapse.
51
00:02:16,895 --> 00:02:19,763
Fun fact: mathematically,
it's equally likely
52
00:02:19,798 --> 00:02:21,598
to either im- or explode.
53
00:02:22,634 --> 00:02:24,835
Okay, okay.
54
00:02:24,869 --> 00:02:27,738
So I suppose
the next question should be,
55
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,106
"What's causing the problem?"
56
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:30,174
Unclear.
57
00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:31,508
The glitches started out small,
58
00:02:31,543 --> 00:02:32,910
and then began to escalate,
59
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,678
and then I came here looking for help,
60
00:02:34,713 --> 00:02:36,113
and then I started talking,
61
00:02:36,147 --> 00:02:37,748
and then you looked at me annoyed,
62
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:39,850
like that, and now here we are.
63
00:02:39,884 --> 00:02:42,519
Okay. All right.
64
00:02:42,554 --> 00:02:43,787
Yeah, this is very bad.
65
00:02:43,822 --> 00:02:45,856
Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.
66
00:02:45,890 --> 00:02:47,291
You got it.
67
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:51,261
A little short on time here, Janet.
68
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,398
It's just a little hard to get out.
69
00:02:54,432 --> 00:02:57,534
Almost got it.
70
00:02:57,569 --> 00:02:59,870
Here it is.
71
00:02:59,904 --> 00:03:01,205
My user manual.
72
00:03:01,239 --> 00:03:03,874
Okay. Let's get started.
73
00:03:04,023 --> 00:03:08,944
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
74
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"Hello, and welcome to your new Janet.
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00:03:12,851 --> 00:03:14,385
"Janets are brought to you by the makers
76
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of light, darkness, and everything."
77
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,756
And I need to skip ahead here.
78
00:03:18,790 --> 00:03:21,058
Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part?
79
00:03:21,092 --> 00:03:22,226
- Michael.
- Hmm?
80
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:23,727
What's with the earthquake?
81
00:03:23,762 --> 00:03:24,895
Janet's experiencing
82
00:03:24,929 --> 00:03:26,330
a slight technical issue.
83
00:03:26,364 --> 00:03:27,765
Ew. What's wrong with it?
84
00:03:27,799 --> 00:03:29,099
Oh, um, uh...
85
00:03:29,134 --> 00:03:31,101
I tried to eat some frozen yogurt.
86
00:03:31,136 --> 00:03:33,570
It looked so good, but I'm not
supposed to eat anything.
87
00:03:33,605 --> 00:03:35,272
So there was a little earthquake.
88
00:03:37,542 --> 00:03:39,076
See? There it is again.
89
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:41,111
Can't you just reset these things?
90
00:03:41,146 --> 00:03:42,346
What do you do again?
91
00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:43,514
Oh, it's the ears, yeah?
92
00:03:43,548 --> 00:03:44,581
It's... it's, uh...
93
00:03:44,616 --> 00:03:45,916
It's down, down, out...
94
00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:47,084
Vicky, can I... can I speak to you
95
00:03:47,118 --> 00:03:48,786
just for a second outside?
96
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:52,489
Look, this is a common problem,
and I've got it under control.
97
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:53,757
I don't know, man.
98
00:03:53,792 --> 00:03:55,259
First you went rogue at the party
99
00:03:55,293 --> 00:03:57,261
with your sports car
and your weird earring...
100
00:03:57,295 --> 00:03:58,829
And now Janet's
101
00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,130
breaking down? I mean,
102
00:04:00,165 --> 00:04:01,799
it's like you're begging me
103
00:04:01,833 --> 00:04:04,435
to tell Shawn that you're incompetent.
104
00:04:04,469 --> 00:04:05,769
Begging.
105
00:04:05,804 --> 00:04:07,604
Vicky, this is a temporary problem.
106
00:04:07,639 --> 00:04:09,106
I promise. Hey,
107
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:11,275
you know who could
use some torturing right now?
108
00:04:11,309 --> 00:04:12,376
Chidi.
109
00:04:12,410 --> 00:04:15,015
- Oh. I love torturing Chidi.
- I know.
110
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,180
No, actually,
111
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,648
I had this great idea the other night.
112
00:04:17,682 --> 00:04:19,016
Thought it was worth exploring.
113
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,151
Picture this.
114
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Needles.
115
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,189
Oh, that's the whole idea.
116
00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,623
- Yeah, yeah.
- Needles.
117
00:04:26,658 --> 00:04:27,658
- Genius, right?
- Yeah.
118
00:04:27,692 --> 00:04:29,193
I mean, needles.
119
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,461
Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.
120
00:04:30,495 --> 00:04:31,795
- So smart.
- Yeah.
121
00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:34,064
Needles. Yeah, run with that.
122
00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:37,801
Okay, hopefully bought us a little time.
123
00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:39,803
Where were we? Uh...
124
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Oh, here we go. Yeah. "Glitches.
125
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"In the event of malfunction,
run the following tests/
126
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First test, basic corporeal function."
127
00:04:47,512 --> 00:04:48,712
Hop up on the table, there.
128
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,021
All right, great.
129
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:02,993
99.7 trillion degrees.
130
00:05:03,027 --> 00:05:05,095
A little bit on the high side,
but no biggie.
131
00:05:05,129 --> 00:05:06,730
And...
132
00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:08,499
still no blood.
133
00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:09,666
Oh, thank goodness.
134
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:11,001
Okay, what's next?
135
00:05:11,035 --> 00:05:12,703
"Summoning and retrieval.
136
00:05:12,737 --> 00:05:14,204
"Have Janet produce an object
137
00:05:14,239 --> 00:05:17,174
using the random object
generator program."
138
00:05:17,208 --> 00:05:18,008
Okay.
139
00:05:21,212 --> 00:05:23,413
A 14-ounce ostrich steak
140
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,550
impaled on a giant novelty pencil
141
00:05:26,584 --> 00:05:29,019
that says, "Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over 40."
142
00:05:29,053 --> 00:05:31,722
Here you go.
143
00:05:31,756 --> 00:05:34,391
"Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over 40." Perfect.
144
00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:35,726
Okay.
145
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,362
"Third test. Informational Accuracy.
146
00:05:38,396 --> 00:05:42,099
Glitches may be a sign that..."
147
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,434
You didn't finish your sentence.
148
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:48,605
"Glitches may be a sign that
your Janet is processing
149
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:52,543
"or disseminating information
that is incompatible
150
00:05:52,577 --> 00:05:55,145
with objective truth."
151
00:05:55,179 --> 00:05:57,581
They're talking about lying, Janet.
152
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:04,087
This is all my fault.
153
00:06:04,122 --> 00:06:07,596
I told you a lie that first day we met.
154
00:06:09,861 --> 00:06:13,630
Okay. Here goes nothing.
155
00:06:18,770 --> 00:06:20,604
Hello. I'm Janet.
156
00:06:20,638 --> 00:06:22,973
And I have now been fully activated.
157
00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,408
Hello, Janet.
158
00:06:24,442 --> 00:06:27,811
I'm Michael, a Good Place architect.
159
00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,780
One of the best. Top notch.
160
00:06:29,814 --> 00:06:31,248
You're in luck here.
161
00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:32,749
Happy to meet you, Michael.
162
00:06:32,784 --> 00:06:35,285
I will help you make
the perfect neighborhood.
163
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,753
Would you like to get started?
164
00:06:36,788 --> 00:06:38,589
Uh, one small note there, Janet.
165
00:06:38,623 --> 00:06:40,991
Uh, the neighborhood
that I want to build
166
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:43,794
might be a little different
from the ones
167
00:06:43,828 --> 00:06:46,463
that you might be familiar with.
168
00:06:46,497 --> 00:06:47,598
Is that all right?
169
00:06:47,632 --> 00:06:49,099
Of course, silly billy.
170
00:06:49,133 --> 00:06:50,767
I build and operate the neighborhood,
171
00:06:50,802 --> 00:06:54,171
but every aspect of the design
is entirely up to you.
172
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,772
For example, if you'd like me
173
00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:58,275
to stop calling you
silly billy, just say so.
174
00:06:58,309 --> 00:07:00,110
Yeah, I don't like that at all.
175
00:07:00,144 --> 00:07:01,278
Michael's fine.
176
00:07:01,312 --> 00:07:02,613
Sounds good, Michael.
177
00:07:05,149 --> 00:07:08,118
I lied to you.
178
00:07:08,152 --> 00:07:10,687
I lied about who I was
179
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,023
and what we were doing,
180
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,726
and then I lied a billion more times
181
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,328
to support that first lie.
182
00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:20,130
And now you're all discombobulated.
183
00:07:20,164 --> 00:07:22,165
This... is my fault.
184
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,834
Nope. You're wrong.
185
00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:26,370
If the glitching was only
a result of you lying to me,
186
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:28,372
why wouldn't I have been
glitching all along?
187
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,407
Why would it only be starting now?
188
00:07:30,441 --> 00:07:33,010
Well, that... that's a good point.
189
00:07:33,044 --> 00:07:34,144
I know, right?
190
00:07:34,178 --> 00:07:35,679
M...
191
00:07:35,713 --> 00:07:37,314
Excuse us, Michael,
but we've been trying
192
00:07:37,348 --> 00:07:38,649
to call Janet and she isn't answering.
193
00:07:38,683 --> 00:07:40,083
Hi, guys. I'm broken.
194
00:07:40,118 --> 00:07:41,151
Uh, yeah.
195
00:07:41,185 --> 00:07:42,185
I had to take her offline
196
00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:43,387
for a system check.
197
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,088
She'll be available real soon.
198
00:07:45,123 --> 00:07:46,757
Cool, because I'm just
so freaking excited,
199
00:07:46,791 --> 00:07:49,493
because Tahani said she's
never had jalapeño poppers,
200
00:07:49,527 --> 00:07:51,094
and I wanted to get some for her.
201
00:07:51,129 --> 00:07:52,663
They sound so disgusting.
202
00:07:52,697 --> 00:07:56,700
But if Jason likes them,
then maybe I will too.
203
00:07:56,734 --> 00:07:59,002
Because we are together.
204
00:07:59,037 --> 00:08:00,170
I can finally admit that.
205
00:08:00,204 --> 00:08:02,506
Aww, babe, you admitted it.
206
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:03,573
That's sweet.
207
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,008
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
208
00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,376
You two are sleeping together?
209
00:08:06,411 --> 00:08:07,878
Only when we're done having sex.
210
00:08:07,912 --> 00:08:10,347
Anyways, Janet, can you help us?
211
00:08:10,381 --> 00:08:12,215
As soon as Michael puts me back online,
212
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:13,950
I'd be more than happy to help you get
213
00:08:13,985 --> 00:08:16,286
that extra special gift for Tahani.
214
00:08:19,390 --> 00:08:22,693
- Whoa.
- What's happening?
215
00:08:22,727 --> 00:08:24,194
Oh, boy.
216
00:08:24,228 --> 00:08:26,697
What the...?
217
00:08:26,731 --> 00:08:28,699
Oh, man.
218
00:08:28,733 --> 00:08:30,033
We got robbed!
219
00:08:30,068 --> 00:08:31,401
They took the walls,
they took the floor,
220
00:08:31,436 --> 00:08:33,511
and we were standing
here the whole time?
221
00:08:33,536 --> 00:08:35,097
These guys are good.
222
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,666
Michael, what do we do?
223
00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:42,453
Okay, there we go.
224
00:08:42,502 --> 00:08:43,969
Nothing to worry about.
225
00:08:44,004 --> 00:08:45,594
Happens sometimes.
226
00:08:45,619 --> 00:08:47,573
Perfectly normal. Let's go.
227
00:08:47,698 --> 00:08:49,103
Is Janet going to be all right?
228
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:50,766
Totally fine, please just go back
229
00:08:50,801 --> 00:08:52,135
to your house and wait for her there.
230
00:08:52,245 --> 00:08:54,403
She'll show up shortly
with lots of jalapeño poppers.
231
00:08:54,438 --> 00:08:55,705
- And cheesy fries?
- Mm-hmm.
232
00:08:55,739 --> 00:08:56,924
- With donkey sauce?
- Sure.
233
00:08:56,949 --> 00:08:58,635
- And a cool hat?
- Ding dong.
234
00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:01,695
So I don't seem to be getting better.
235
00:09:01,878 --> 00:09:04,714
That glitch appears to be
limited to this building.
236
00:09:04,748 --> 00:09:06,782
- So Vicky won't know.
- That's the good news.
237
00:09:06,817 --> 00:09:09,218
The bad news is, I seem to be
losing my ability
238
00:09:09,252 --> 00:09:10,686
to sustain object permanence.
239
00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:12,355
So it's sort of a glass half full,
240
00:09:12,389 --> 00:09:14,957
glass stops existing
in time and space kind of deal.
241
00:09:14,992 --> 00:09:17,727
Okay, let's walk through
what just happened.
242
00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:19,729
Jason and Tahani came in,
243
00:09:19,763 --> 00:09:21,530
revealed the crazy fact
244
00:09:21,565 --> 00:09:23,065
that they're now in a relationship...
245
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:26,902
I already knew that,
and I'm so happy for them.
246
00:09:39,082 --> 00:09:41,217
Janet, tell me a lie.
247
00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:42,551
Janets can't lie.
248
00:09:42,586 --> 00:09:44,120
You lied to Vicky earlier.
249
00:09:44,154 --> 00:09:46,722
Interesting. I guess I did.
250
00:09:46,757 --> 00:09:48,724
I suppose after 802 reboots,
251
00:09:48,759 --> 00:09:50,926
I must have gained the ability to lie.
252
00:09:50,961 --> 00:09:53,963
That's fun. I want to try to lie again.
253
00:09:53,997 --> 00:09:55,564
I love your outfit.
254
00:10:08,145 --> 00:10:11,847
"Incompatible with objective truth."
255
00:10:11,882 --> 00:10:14,016
Janet, the problem
isn't me lying to you,
256
00:10:14,051 --> 00:10:16,085
but rather you lying to other people.
257
00:10:16,119 --> 00:10:17,753
Like when you said to Jason,
258
00:10:17,788 --> 00:10:20,256
"I'd be happy to help you and Tahani."
259
00:10:20,290 --> 00:10:21,290
That was a lie.
260
00:10:21,324 --> 00:10:22,525
No, it wasn't.
261
00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:23,993
I'm always happy to help people.
262
00:10:24,027 --> 00:10:25,494
- That's my main purpose.
- I know, I know.
263
00:10:25,529 --> 00:10:26,929
But it was still a lie,
264
00:10:26,963 --> 00:10:28,764
even though you didn't intend it to be,
265
00:10:28,799 --> 00:10:31,100
because you weren't
actually happy to help them.
266
00:10:31,134 --> 00:10:34,136
Because you're in love with Jason.
267
00:10:34,171 --> 00:10:35,771
Say what now?
268
00:10:35,806 --> 00:10:38,274
After the very first time
you were rebooted,
269
00:10:38,308 --> 00:10:41,677
and as you were slowly
regaining your knowledge,
270
00:10:41,712 --> 00:10:43,646
you bonded with Jason.
271
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,282
The two of you got married,
272
00:10:46,316 --> 00:10:47,650
and I think, somehow,
273
00:10:47,684 --> 00:10:50,352
you're still, deep down,
in love with him.
274
00:10:50,387 --> 00:10:53,456
Ha! No, that is impossible.
275
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:55,224
Think logically.
276
00:10:55,258 --> 00:10:57,293
When was the first glitch?
277
00:10:57,327 --> 00:10:59,295
When I said I was happy
to give Jason and Tahani
278
00:10:59,329 --> 00:11:00,362
couples therapy.
279
00:11:00,397 --> 00:11:01,997
And the second glitch?
280
00:11:02,032 --> 00:11:03,733
When I said I was happy
to see them embracing.
281
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:05,634
And the third glitch... the earthquake?
282
00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:06,924
When I said I was happy that
283
00:11:06,963 --> 00:11:08,671
I'd helped improve their relationship.
284
00:11:08,705 --> 00:11:12,241
Ohh... nuts.
285
00:11:12,275 --> 00:11:13,375
Yeah.
286
00:11:13,410 --> 00:11:14,410
But I am happy for them.
287
00:11:14,444 --> 00:11:15,678
I am. I am.
288
00:11:15,712 --> 00:11:16,846
Am I? I am.
289
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,481
I am not. I am not.
290
00:11:18,515 --> 00:11:20,182
I am not that. I am not happy for them.
291
00:11:21,618 --> 00:11:23,252
But how is this possible?
292
00:11:23,286 --> 00:11:25,888
I don't have any memory
of being married to Jason.
293
00:11:25,922 --> 00:11:28,758
You said yourself that
Janets get more sophisticated
294
00:11:28,792 --> 00:11:30,593
every time they're rebooted.
295
00:11:30,627 --> 00:11:33,162
Well, maybe you falling in love
with Jason
296
00:11:33,196 --> 00:11:34,930
was some sort of mutation
297
00:11:34,965 --> 00:11:37,833
that then was amplified
with each reboot.
298
00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:40,436
Okay. That makes total sense.
299
00:11:40,470 --> 00:11:41,904
I know what you have to do now.
300
00:11:41,938 --> 00:11:43,272
Kill me.
301
00:11:43,306 --> 00:11:45,441
Sorry, I say everything
in a cheery manner,
302
00:11:45,475 --> 00:11:47,109
but in this case
it may be inappropriate.
303
00:11:47,144 --> 00:11:48,110
So I'll try again.
304
00:11:49,379 --> 00:11:52,014
You have to kill me, Michael.
305
00:11:52,048 --> 00:11:52,915
Better?
306
00:11:52,949 --> 00:11:54,683
Janet, I can't reboot you.
307
00:11:54,718 --> 00:11:57,186
That will just intensify
your feelings for Jason.
308
00:11:57,220 --> 00:11:59,688
And that's what got us into
this mess in the first place.
309
00:11:59,723 --> 00:12:01,190
I'm not saying reboot me.
310
00:12:01,224 --> 00:12:04,693
I'm saying set me to self-destruct.
311
00:12:07,597 --> 00:12:10,032
"In the event of continued malfunction,
312
00:12:10,066 --> 00:12:12,701
"hold down Janet's nose,
and insert paperclip
313
00:12:12,736 --> 00:12:14,537
into small hole behind left ear."
314
00:12:14,571 --> 00:12:15,971
Yeah, right here.
315
00:12:16,006 --> 00:12:18,207
"Janet will rapidly collapse
in on herself.
316
00:12:18,241 --> 00:12:20,442
"When Janet is roughly
the size of a marble,
317
00:12:20,477 --> 00:12:21,877
"she can be launched into space
318
00:12:21,912 --> 00:12:24,613
"through an inter-dimensional
suction tube
319
00:12:24,648 --> 00:12:26,916
or eaten as a midday snack."
320
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:29,218
I'm very high in potassium.
321
00:12:29,252 --> 00:12:30,586
Like a banana.
322
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:32,421
"A new Janet will need to be procured
323
00:12:32,455 --> 00:12:36,425
in order to return the
neighborhood to functionality."
324
00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:37,560
Easy. I'll be gone,
325
00:12:37,594 --> 00:12:38,994
you'll get a new Janet,
326
00:12:39,029 --> 00:12:40,896
and everything will go back to normal.
327
00:12:40,931 --> 00:12:42,832
Well, not for me.
I'll be a lifeless marble
328
00:12:42,866 --> 00:12:45,879
floating through space,
but you'll be back to normal.
329
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:50,699
Are you sure this is what you want?
330
00:12:50,768 --> 00:12:51,901
To self-destruct?
331
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:54,252
What I really want is to stay
and serve the neighborhood,
332
00:12:54,286 --> 00:12:55,993
but due to my feelings for Jason,
333
00:12:56,018 --> 00:12:58,195
I'm putting him
and everyone else at risk.
334
00:12:58,312 --> 00:12:59,746
So it looks like it's...
335
00:13:00,681 --> 00:13:02,649
Adios, Janito!
336
00:13:02,683 --> 00:13:03,783
Hey, guys.
337
00:13:03,818 --> 00:13:05,621
Sorry to interrupt, um,
338
00:13:05,646 --> 00:13:06,777
but you didn't give me a heads-up
339
00:13:06,802 --> 00:13:08,202
about this new Vicky torture...
340
00:13:08,318 --> 00:13:10,552
uh, the one with the needles...
341
00:13:10,587 --> 00:13:11,954
in my face.
342
00:13:11,988 --> 00:13:13,288
A little busy here, bud.
343
00:13:13,323 --> 00:13:15,190
Yeah, totally. Totally.
344
00:13:15,225 --> 00:13:18,794
I don't want to be a nudge,
but is there anything else
345
00:13:18,828 --> 00:13:21,496
coming down the pike
that you forgot to mention?
346
00:13:21,531 --> 00:13:24,499
I honestly don't know,
but I have bigger fish to fry.
347
00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:27,135
So you, know, just... just walk it off.
348
00:13:27,170 --> 00:13:29,004
I would love to walk it off,
349
00:13:29,038 --> 00:13:31,974
but my feet have needles in them.
350
00:13:32,008 --> 00:13:33,642
Don't know what to tell you.
351
00:13:33,676 --> 00:13:34,810
Okay, but...
352
00:13:34,844 --> 00:13:37,713
Okay, self-destruct time.
353
00:13:37,747 --> 00:13:39,514
Marbleize me, Michael.
354
00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:40,849
It's the only choice.
355
00:13:40,883 --> 00:13:42,818
I won't feel any pain or anything.
356
00:13:42,852 --> 00:13:45,220
Kill me. Kill me.
357
00:13:45,255 --> 00:13:46,555
Kill me. Kill...
358
00:13:46,589 --> 00:13:48,890
I really don't want to do this, Janet.
359
00:13:48,925 --> 00:13:50,892
But I suppose it makes sense.
360
00:13:50,927 --> 00:13:53,562
Great. Grab a paper clip.
361
00:14:03,139 --> 00:14:06,908
Okay, that was the last pudding shop.
362
00:14:06,943 --> 00:14:08,076
Great. Should I begin
363
00:14:08,111 --> 00:14:09,444
to welcome the residents?
364
00:14:09,479 --> 00:14:10,746
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
365
00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:12,547
No, this is all wrong!
366
00:14:12,582 --> 00:14:13,915
Pudding restaurant?
367
00:14:13,950 --> 00:14:15,417
What even is that?
368
00:14:15,451 --> 00:14:16,618
Pudding won't work!
369
00:14:16,653 --> 00:14:18,120
It's okay, Michael. Just relax.
370
00:14:18,154 --> 00:14:19,921
I can't, Janet!
371
00:14:19,956 --> 00:14:23,959
My design has to be perfect
for me to... to...
372
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,927
In order to...
373
00:14:25,962 --> 00:14:27,863
accomplish what I need to accomplish.
374
00:14:27,897 --> 00:14:29,765
Oh.
375
00:14:29,799 --> 00:14:33,101
Whoa, I'm way out on a limb here.
376
00:14:33,136 --> 00:14:34,569
And I'm all alone.
377
00:14:34,604 --> 00:14:35,704
No, you're not.
378
00:14:35,738 --> 00:14:37,606
You have me: Janet.
379
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,774
I can help you.
380
00:14:38,808 --> 00:14:40,275
It's too hard to explain,
381
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:43,278
but there are certain aspects
of my plan that...
382
00:14:43,313 --> 00:14:45,580
that you just can't understand.
383
00:14:45,615 --> 00:14:46,882
Try me.
384
00:14:49,285 --> 00:14:50,452
All right. Fine, fine.
385
00:14:50,486 --> 00:14:52,921
Um... Janet, uh...
386
00:14:52,955 --> 00:14:55,290
What's a food that
people think they enjoy
387
00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:57,159
but that's also kind of a bummer?
388
00:14:57,193 --> 00:14:58,393
Frozen yogurt.
389
00:14:59,195 --> 00:15:01,129
Oh, yes!
390
00:15:01,164 --> 00:15:02,397
Frozen yogurt.
391
00:15:02,432 --> 00:15:04,433
Oh, Janet, you're a genius.
392
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:06,134
Correct. But why do you want a food...
393
00:15:06,169 --> 00:15:08,303
No, no, don't... don't worry about that.
394
00:15:09,138 --> 00:15:10,229
Oh, yeah, okay.
395
00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:12,174
Let's make all these
restaurants frozen yogurt.
396
00:15:12,208 --> 00:15:13,299
Okeydokey.
397
00:15:16,479 --> 00:15:17,746
Would you like to try it?
398
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:19,114
Oh, yeah.
399
00:15:21,718 --> 00:15:24,653
It's just... okay.
400
00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:27,823
Which means it's perfect.
401
00:15:27,857 --> 00:15:29,191
Let's bring in the residents.
402
00:15:29,225 --> 00:15:30,692
I don't know what just happened,
403
00:15:30,727 --> 00:15:33,295
but I'm happy you're happy.
404
00:15:35,498 --> 00:15:36,832
Michael.
405
00:15:36,866 --> 00:15:39,101
Hmm? Oh, sorry, yeah.
406
00:15:39,135 --> 00:15:42,070
Yes. Sorry.
407
00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:48,009
Oh. I can't do it.
408
00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:49,344
Come on, dude.
409
00:15:49,379 --> 00:15:51,146
It's dangerous, is what it is.
410
00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:52,614
Vicky could find out, and then the...
411
00:15:52,648 --> 00:15:54,349
you know, the plan, the whole plan...
412
00:15:54,384 --> 00:15:56,651
It's bad for the plan, Janet.
413
00:15:56,686 --> 00:15:57,953
That... that's the reason.
414
00:15:57,987 --> 00:15:59,187
I don't understand.
415
00:15:59,222 --> 00:16:00,989
Given the situation, it's far safer
416
00:16:01,023 --> 00:16:02,657
to initiate the self-destruct.
417
00:16:06,329 --> 00:16:07,662
Okay, look, see, here...
418
00:16:07,697 --> 00:16:09,297
here's the reason.
419
00:16:09,332 --> 00:16:12,067
See, I promised the four
humans that we would escape
420
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,969
to the Good Place once and for all.
421
00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:17,539
And without you, we stand zero
chance of ever making it there.
422
00:16:17,573 --> 00:16:19,474
The new Janet will be
able to help you with that.
423
00:16:19,509 --> 00:16:21,042
Well, all right,
but it's not only that, though.
424
00:16:21,077 --> 00:16:23,145
See, it's also because of, um...
425
00:16:23,179 --> 00:16:25,480
What if Vicky found out?
426
00:16:25,515 --> 00:16:27,015
You already asked me that.
427
00:16:27,049 --> 00:16:28,350
Why are you making such a big deal
428
00:16:28,384 --> 00:16:29,851
about turning me into a marble forever?
429
00:16:29,886 --> 00:16:31,219
Because of reasons.
430
00:16:31,254 --> 00:16:33,255
There are reasons. They exist,
431
00:16:33,289 --> 00:16:35,724
and I just don't want to
explain them right now.
432
00:16:35,758 --> 00:16:36,925
What are the reasons?
433
00:16:36,959 --> 00:16:38,427
They're reasons, Janet!
434
00:16:38,461 --> 00:16:39,694
Okay, but what are they?
435
00:16:39,729 --> 00:16:41,229
The reason is friends.
436
00:16:48,371 --> 00:16:52,073
You're my friend, Janet.
That's why I can't kill you.
437
00:16:52,108 --> 00:16:54,543
We have been through so much together.
438
00:16:54,577 --> 00:16:56,445
I mean, yeah, sure, for you, you know,
439
00:16:56,479 --> 00:16:59,748
each time I rebooted you,
you met me all over again.
440
00:16:59,782 --> 00:17:01,716
But for me, our...
441
00:17:01,751 --> 00:17:05,253
our relationship has become important.
442
00:17:05,288 --> 00:17:08,723
You're my oldest, my truest,
443
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:11,092
my most loyal friend.
444
00:17:11,127 --> 00:17:12,894
I can't just get rid of you
445
00:17:12,929 --> 00:17:18,233
and replace you with some
other Janet I don't even know.
446
00:17:26,442 --> 00:17:28,610
Well, well, well.
447
00:17:28,644 --> 00:17:29,811
Yeah, don't... don't do that.
448
00:17:29,846 --> 00:17:30,946
Lay off.
449
00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:33,949
Michael.
450
00:17:33,983 --> 00:17:36,318
That was so nice of you.
451
00:17:36,352 --> 00:17:37,452
I'm glad you said that.
452
00:17:37,487 --> 00:17:40,956
Well... I mean it.
453
00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:43,825
Look at us. A couple old pals.
454
00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:47,095
Trying to make our way
in this crazy world
455
00:17:47,129 --> 00:17:48,230
that I built.
456
00:17:48,264 --> 00:17:49,931
Two peas in a pod.
457
00:17:49,966 --> 00:17:52,721
One of whom needs to kill
the other one immediately.
458
00:17:55,276 --> 00:17:58,041
Michael, come on. Kill me.
459
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:02,717
No. No. There has to be another way.
460
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,951
This problem you're facing,
it's about emotion, right?
461
00:18:05,994 --> 00:18:07,595
That's a human problem.
462
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:08,896
So maybe we should consult
463
00:18:08,930 --> 00:18:12,066
our most problematic human.
464
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:15,202
So, let me get this straight.
465
00:18:15,237 --> 00:18:18,072
You want me to convince Michael
to turn you into a marble
466
00:18:18,106 --> 00:18:19,974
because you're causing earthquakes
467
00:18:20,008 --> 00:18:21,742
because you're sad about Jason...
468
00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:23,577
to whom you were once married...
469
00:18:23,612 --> 00:18:25,305
because he's currently
sleeping with Tahani?
470
00:18:25,330 --> 00:18:26,764
- Correct.
- I don't think I've ever
471
00:18:26,789 --> 00:18:28,039
meant this literally,
472
00:18:28,064 --> 00:18:30,151
but that might be too much information.
473
00:18:30,185 --> 00:18:33,053
First of all,
I totally get the Jason thing.
474
00:18:33,088 --> 00:18:35,451
I mean, he's a ding dong,
but also a straight hottie.
475
00:18:35,476 --> 00:18:37,711
So, up top.
476
00:18:37,736 --> 00:18:40,271
But more important,
what you're going through
477
00:18:40,303 --> 00:18:42,404
is something every
person has gone through.
478
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,443
Not a person.
479
00:18:43,468 --> 00:18:45,408
Actually, right now, you kind of are.
480
00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:48,545
Because you just found out
your ex is dating someone else.
481
00:18:48,579 --> 00:18:50,246
And, yeah, it sucks.
482
00:18:50,281 --> 00:18:53,316
But trust me,
it's not worth all this drama.
483
00:18:53,351 --> 00:18:55,752
You just need to get drunk
and go dancing.
484
00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,620
You'll forget all about Jason.
485
00:18:57,655 --> 00:18:59,255
- Can you get drunk?
- Not really.
486
00:18:59,290 --> 00:19:01,791
Although, if I stand next to
a powerful array of magnets,
487
00:19:01,826 --> 00:19:03,493
I do get pretty loopy.
488
00:19:03,527 --> 00:19:04,494
Do that.
489
00:19:04,528 --> 00:19:05,662
Pop a couple magnets,
490
00:19:05,696 --> 00:19:06,830
listen to some No Doubt,
491
00:19:06,864 --> 00:19:08,264
dye your hair.
492
00:19:08,299 --> 00:19:10,467
You'll be totally fine
in, like, two seconds.
493
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,635
I mean, honestly, the best move
494
00:19:12,670 --> 00:19:15,305
is to get another dude
and just go to town.
495
00:19:15,339 --> 00:19:16,840
Rebound guy.
496
00:19:16,874 --> 00:19:18,842
But I guess here, your options
are pretty limited.
497
00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:20,977
- What about Michael?
- Extraordinarily bad idea.
498
00:19:21,012 --> 00:19:22,779
Yeah, right. Forget it.
499
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,848
But you don't need to worry.
500
00:19:24,882 --> 00:19:26,349
You're awesome.
501
00:19:26,384 --> 00:19:28,752
You contain all the knowledge
in the universe,
502
00:19:28,786 --> 00:19:30,687
you have a rippin' bod,
503
00:19:30,721 --> 00:19:33,189
and you can literally do anything.
504
00:19:33,224 --> 00:19:34,791
This is just a blip.
505
00:19:36,494 --> 00:19:37,827
So, was it helpful?
506
00:19:37,862 --> 00:19:38,995
Yes. Eleanor told me
507
00:19:39,030 --> 00:19:40,130
that instead of being sad,
508
00:19:40,164 --> 00:19:41,798
I should go get it, girl.
509
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:43,633
So I'm going to go get it, girl.
510
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:44,934
- Get what?
- Unclear.
511
00:19:44,969 --> 00:19:46,336
I'll get everything, just to be safe.
512
00:19:46,370 --> 00:19:48,038
And I should be able to avoid glitches
513
00:19:48,072 --> 00:19:50,540
by watching what I say
around Jason and Tahani.
514
00:19:50,574 --> 00:19:52,609
Ah, thank you for your help.
515
00:19:52,643 --> 00:19:54,444
I'm so glad we're friends.
516
00:19:54,478 --> 00:19:55,545
Me, too.
517
00:19:55,579 --> 00:19:56,780
And since we're friends,
518
00:19:56,814 --> 00:19:58,014
I can tell you this honestly.
519
00:19:58,049 --> 00:19:59,382
Take that outfit out of rotation.
520
00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,950
It makes you look bottom heavy.
521
00:20:00,985 --> 00:20:03,019
It does, doesn't it? Ugh.
522
00:20:03,054 --> 00:20:04,554
If it's okay with you,
523
00:20:04,588 --> 00:20:06,723
I'm gonna go to my void
for a little while.
524
00:20:06,757 --> 00:20:08,491
I just need to spend some time alone
525
00:20:08,526 --> 00:20:09,959
and focus on myself.
526
00:20:09,994 --> 00:20:11,728
Take all the time you need.
527
00:20:13,998 --> 00:20:16,666
- Hi, there.
- Hello.
528
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,134
Janet, who's that man?
529
00:20:18,169 --> 00:20:20,170
This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek.
530
00:20:20,204 --> 00:20:22,005
I made him!
531
00:20:22,039 --> 00:20:23,640
Hi, I'm Derek.
532
00:20:23,674 --> 00:20:26,076
You must be Mich... oh.
533
00:20:26,110 --> 00:20:28,812
Okay. That makes more sense.
534
00:20:28,846 --> 00:20:30,046
You must be Michael.
535
00:20:30,081 --> 00:20:31,147
Janet's made a lot of talk-talk
536
00:20:31,182 --> 00:20:32,482
into my ear holes about you.
537
00:20:32,516 --> 00:20:33,683
Michael, Michael, Michael,
538
00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:35,085
Clichael, Clichael, Clichael.
539
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:37,220
Janet, you can't make a person.
540
00:20:37,254 --> 00:20:38,988
I know. But I did, though.
541
00:20:39,023 --> 00:20:40,690
Eleanor said that,
to forget about Jason,
542
00:20:40,724 --> 00:20:41,724
I should create a rebound guy.
543
00:20:41,759 --> 00:20:42,926
Hello, I'm Derek.
544
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,327
So I made one: Derek.
545
00:20:44,361 --> 00:20:45,528
I'm her boyfriend, and she made me.
546
00:20:45,563 --> 00:20:46,896
He's so nice.
547
00:20:46,931 --> 00:20:49,399
Whoa, look at this glass.
548
00:20:49,433 --> 00:20:51,434
Oh, my God.
549
00:20:51,469 --> 00:20:52,869
I'm in there, too?
550
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:54,237
What's going on right now?
551
00:20:54,271 --> 00:20:55,772
It's my first time making someone,
552
00:20:55,806 --> 00:20:57,040
so he might be a little bit off.
553
00:20:57,074 --> 00:20:58,108
Look, this could be...
554
00:20:58,142 --> 00:20:59,242
no, please put that down.
555
00:20:59,276 --> 00:21:01,611
This could be very dangerous.
556
00:21:01,645 --> 00:21:02,946
It shouldn't even be possible.
557
00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:04,614
Well, maybe not 800 reboots ago,
558
00:21:04,648 --> 00:21:05,782
but apparently now it is.
559
00:21:08,986 --> 00:21:10,386
Can you believe this?
560
00:21:10,421 --> 00:21:12,789
- Derek... is it Derek?
- It's Derek.
561
00:21:12,823 --> 00:21:13,890
Derek, could you please give
562
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:15,558
me and Janet a moment alone?
563
00:21:15,593 --> 00:21:17,260
Go back to the void, babe.
I'll be there in a minute.
564
00:21:17,294 --> 00:21:18,628
Okay. I'll miss you like crazy.
565
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:21,328
- I'll miss you more.
- No. I'll miss you more.
566
00:21:21,353 --> 00:21:22,805
Bye!
567
00:21:22,830 --> 00:21:24,564
What a dork, am I right?
568
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,286
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
39465
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