All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

A POP Original Series

[Crickets chirp]

[Door opens]

Moira: John! Are you awake?

John!
- What? What's happening?

- Your wayfaring thespian
has returned!

I-I don't wanna jinx anything,

but the shoot was a triumph.

The local Bosnians are calling
it a stunning reinvigoration

of the "Crows Have Eyes"
franchise.

That, of course,
is a loose translation.

- Oh, well that sounds great,
sweetheart.

- John, no need to get
out of bed, dear.

I'm sure you considered
planning a little more fanfare

for my return, but...

oh, it's best to ease back in.

- It's 3:30 in the morning,

you said you were coming in
today at noon.

- Yes! Noon Bosnian Mountain
Time, that is!

Which was several hours ago,
John.

Oh, and what a journey
it has been!

Production had me routed
through Nairobi

for some reason, and then
our plane was grounded

after flying through
a swarm of locusts.

I didn't want to miss
my third connection,

so I took a Bosnian upper
just to keep awake.

Those things are the size
of a nickel,

so I only took one,

at least, I think I did.

I may have taken a second one
just to be safe,

because I don't know if I took
that first one, or not.

Either way, I've been up since
eight am three days ago,

with time changes factored in,

and I couldn't be happier
to see you!

- Oh!

Well Moira, it sounds
like a nightmare of a trip.

Why don't we leave
the unpacking 'til tomorrow,

and just get some rest?

- Good idea.

Kids!

- No Moira, it's 3:30.
- David!

Alexis!

- Oh! Who is it?
- Oh my God, what?!

- I don't know what you kids
are still doing up so late.

I didn't want to disturb you,

I just wanted you to know that
Mummy got home safe and sound!

- Okay, good night.
- Great.

- Okay, if you insist,
one quick story.

So, day three of shooting,
Hamza and I

find ourselves stuck
in a hail storm--

- Oh my God, not tonight,
thank you, though.

- I'm sorry kids, your mother's
had a rough couple of days.

Moira, why don't we get to bed,
sweetheart?

- Ooh, frisky, John.

- Oh! Bye!
- Ewww!

Eww.
- Ugh!

♪♪♪

Moira: No! No one would
believe this!

These cannot be real!

- What's going on?

- Well, instead of sleeping
last night,

I decided to just power
right through.

You know, best to round up
to an even four days.

And while I was doing some
light reorganization,

I came upon this stack
of love letters

written to your father
by another woman.

- Okay.

- Best not to be concerned,
Alexis.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all of this.

- Sure there is.
- Yes. Some of them!

Some of them are even funny!

Listen. Where's that one?
Oh! Read this.

[Cackles wildly]

- [Clears throat]

"Dearest John-John,

I'm lying here, stuck, sweaty.

All I can think about is you,

and the last night we spent
together,

bed shaking..." ew!

Why are you making me
read this?

- I know, right?
- Eugh!

- Before your father met me,

he was not quite so selective.

I hesitate to add,
he even had a predilection

for boom boom girls!

- Okay, I would like
to remind you

that I don't have
a therapist anymore.

- No, as you said,

there's a logical explanation
for all of this.

- No, you've said that like,
three times now.

So I think it's probably
for the best

that we put these down,
and we go have a nap, okay?

- Yes. You're right.
- Mhm.

- You're right, Alexis,
you're always so right.

[Sighs]

- Okay.

- All right...

[Sighs]

Just a few more,
just to lull me to sleep.

That's all.

[Car engine starts]

[Light Jazz music plays]

[Bell on door jingles]

[Hurried footsteps thud]

- Good morning.

Is there something I can
help you with?

- Yeah, I'd like you to open
your cash register,

and give me your money!

- Okay, small problem.

Um, our money isn't for sale.

- I'm robbing you!
- Thought so, yeah. Um...

- I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

Hey! Hey! Where do you think
you're going?!

- Here.

David: So here's the problem.

Our till doesn't currently
have any cash in it,

because my partner
is at the bank

getting money for the float.

- What about you,
what do you have?

- A wallet full of debt.

- Can someone put something
in a bag, please?!

- Um, we only have cloth totes,
I hope that's okay.

- Whatever!
- Would you like some wine?

- Okay, yeah, yes, put some
booze in a bag.

- Do you drink red wine,
or white wine?

Maybe some chilled rose
in the back?

- I'll get it!

Robber: I'm not letting you go
into the back!

What else?

- Cheese goes good with wine.

- Suddenly she's a sales
associate.

Would you like some cheese?

- Uh yeah, I'll take
some cheese.

- God forbid he be specific.

I guess throw in some brie,

some aged cheddar.

Uh, that tapenade goes good
with the brie.

- Tapenades, great,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Do you have bad skin?
- Yeah, sure, just hurry it up!

- There you go.

Could you help the man
with the door?

His hands are full.
- Sorry.

Thank you.
- Okay, thank you.

[Bottles clank]

[Door shuts]

- Why do I feel like we did
something wrong?

[Birds chirp]

[Dog barks]

- Look at you all dressed up,
Mr. Sporty Spice.

- Uh yeah, I'm dressed
for the run

that we're supposed to be
going on,

but I don't think
you can run in those.

- Tell that to me at 21,
escaping the yakuza.

- So that's a no on the run,
then?

- Okay, honestly Ted,
I've had a very traumatic

morning at home, so going
on a run is like,

the last thing that I wanna do.
Also, I forgot.

- Okay well, that's actually
like, scary,

because we texted about it
twice last night,

and twice this morning,
but anyway,

is everything okay?

- Like, other than reading
some very porny love letters

that someone sent my dad, sure.

Like, who holds on
to things like that?

- I've held on to some things.

- Oh my God,
should I be worried?

- Well, I-I did keep
this waterproof watch

that Heather gave me.

- Okay, I asked if I should
be worried.

- I don't know, I think
it's kind of romantic

to hang on to things
from old relationships.

I've certainly kept
some things from our past.

- Ted!

- I take it that you haven't?

- Um, harsh.
I for sure have.

- Yeah, it's just that
your face is doing

some really weird stuff
right now.

- No... because you put me
on the spot!

There's like, a very long list
of things that I've kept.

- Oh, really.

Like what?

- Like... that empty book
that you gave me.

- The journal?
- Yes! The journal.

And very likely some jewelry.

Like a ring, or...

- A locket?
- Yes.

The locket you gave me.

I kept that the most.

- Oh yeah, it's just funny,

I don't think I've ever
seen you wear it.

- I'm just so scared
of losing it.

- That makes sense.

- Okay, well,
you have a run to go on,

so I should probably go
and update my journal.

- You've never written
in a journal, have you?

- No, but um,

one time I did do a book report
on David's diary,

and it was very dark. Okay.

[Door slams]

[Door closed]

- Jocelyn!

- Moira, you're back.

Did you just let yourself in?

- I have been knocking
on your door

since the beginning of time!

Although now that
I'm standing here,

it's equally possible that
I didn't knock at all.

I suppose we'll never know,
will we?

- Ah! Sorry. I just need to...

catch my breath.
- Oh, as do I.

I don't know if you know
what it's like to be mortally

deprived of one's sleep!

- I haven't slept
in eight months.

- Why's that?
- Because of the baby.

- I've had a bit of a rebirth
myself, in Bosnia.

- I hope it wasn't as painful
as mine.

- The music, Jocelyn.

In Bosni-wood, as the industry
will soon be calling it,

I... I picked up some beautiful
Sevdah,

that I absolutely must teach
to the Jazzigals!

Would you like to hear me sing

a traditional love song?

- I-I would, it's just
the baby's sleeping, so--

- Shhh...

[Singing in Bosnian]

[Sings a slow tune]

- Yeah... it's a sad one.

I would be feeling it too,
if I knew...

what the heck you were
singing about.

- [Laughs]

Oh...

- What are these?

- Oh, just some old
love letters,

written by another woman,

onto which John has been
clutching.

- Wow, I have been down
this road.

I once found a bag of Roland's
ex-girlfriends' bras.

Burned them.

Except for the ones
that were my size.

- But this is incomparable,
Jocelyn,

there's a perfectly logical
explanation for this!

- Oh, there always is.

Woo! Wow. [Laughs]

This little "butterfly"
is quite the writer.

It's like 50 Shades
of Johnny Rose!

- Holy cow.

[Birds chirp, cars rumble]

- You know, I've never
been robbed before,

and I had friends that
lived in Brooklyn.

- Yeah... that was a robbery,
right?

I mean, we were robbed.

Right?
- Yeah!

- Someone walked out of here
with two bags of product,

I mean, I don't know
what else you'd call it.

- I mean, he had a weapon,
right?

- Yeah! Yes.

I mean, it must've been
in his pocket,

because he used both hands
to carry the bags

out of the store, but...

- I can't believe you just
offered him the wine.

- You offered him the skincare,
I mean,

we don't know what was going on
under that mask!

He could've had perfect skin.

- I can't believe this happened,

I was gone for like, 45 minutes.

Are you guys sure you're okay?

- Surprisingly, yes.

- Yeah, I'm not.
- Thanks.

- I'm very startled.

- It just doesn't make
any sense.

I mean, I can understand
taking the wine,

but who steals a jar
of tapenade?

And the brie?!
- Yeah, the brie.

Stevie? The brie?

- Well, at least we know
if the cops don't get him,

his cholesterol will.

- Well, there's no need to keep
talking about it now.

You guys are gonna have to go
through this all again

in much more detail when
the police get here.

- Yeah, I um,

I don't know if going
to the police is...

is necessary at this point.

- If we want any insurance
money

for the things that were stolen,

you have to explain everything
to the police.

- I was pretty much in the back

while all of this was going
down, so...

- Mm, I remember you being
pretty involved, actually.

- Yeah well, between
the two of you,

I'm pretty sure you can piece
it together.

- Yeah. Right? So...

[Car rumbles, birds chirp]

- Hey, Twy?

I've always admired your
jewelry game.

You just like,
pick a few pieces,

and just and wear them to death.

- Oh, if you're talking about
my earrings the clasp broke,

so I actually physically
cannot take them off.

- Okay, I am experiencing
the same problem.

all of my jewelry is boring.

- Is that what I said?

- So way back when,
all of my girlfriends and I

used to throw the diamonds
we got from our parents

on a table, and just do like,
a big jewelry swap.

- [Sighs]

- I wish I had someone
in this town to swap with.

- Yeah, I used to think that
a lot growing up,

when I'd see other kids
with their families.

- Okay, you just gave me
a great idea!

Why don't we do a jewelry swap?

- Well, I do have a large
collection

of my grandfather's hospital
bracelets.

- Yum! Um, but I also love

that cute little locket
around your neck.

- Well, that makes sense,

because you gave it to me
for Christmas,

and I wear it every day.

- Yeah, and I always think
like,

what would I look like in it?

- S-so do you want the locket?

- No, Twy, I got it for you.

But what I'm saying is,
let's swap for it.

I have a toe ring that would
look so cute on you!

- We're not allowed to wear
open-toed shoes, but um...

maybe I could...

take that bracelet?

- Yes!

Um, I actually got this
in a swap with Sienna Miller.

And by that I mean it fell off
her wrist at a Halloween party,

and I kept it.

- Well, maybe I could come over
on my lunch break,

and we can swap some more stuff!

- Yes, Twy!
- [Laughs]

I mean, I actually thought
this would be like,

a one-for-one situation,

but if you want to open it up...

let me help you with that.
- Oh, that's okay, I got it.

- No, the necklace.

- Oh, right now?

- Okay...

[Sighs impatiently]

[Door opens and shuts]

[Shade rattles]

- What are you doing?
- Uh...

word on the street is that

you're in a little hot water
with Moira, huh?

- No, everything's fine
with Moira.

I just thought she was coming
in today.

- Look Johnny, everybody likes
to take trips down memory lane,

but you gotta get rid
of the evidence.

Do you know what a burnt
underwire smells like?

- Okay, Roland,

I actually don't know
what you're talking about.

- Those spicy letters
from Miss Butterfly

that you left out
for Moira to find.

- How do you know
about those letters?

- Well, Moira's out
showing 'em around town.

Jocelyn's read 'em.

She told me about some very
racy parts, young man.

- Moira is showing my letters?

- Yeah, I was talking
to Bob about it.

Why were you talking
to Bob about it?!

- We're trying to save
your marriage, bud!

Although, Gwen thinks
it's probably a lost cause.

She's thinks you might
be a sexaholic.

- Okay, first of all,

everyone should mind
their own business,

and stay out of my affairs.

- Affairs, plural? Oh.

- There's no affair, okay?

Now, would you unlock the door,
and open the blind?

- Jeez, Johnny,
I'm on your side, pal.

Unless things get messy,

in that case, I'm gonna be
on Moira's side.

[Clucks tongue]

- So I guess it was
sort of like a...

a low end poly-blend
hooded sweatshirt,

in what I could only describe
as an aubergine colour.

- And just in case
he changes his outfit,

do you have a rough idea
of his physical description?

- Right, um...

Well, I guess, my build.

- That's being generous.
- If I was at my goal weight.

- Officer, they mentioned
there was a weapon involved.

- Can you describe the weapon?

- You describe it.

- Well, if there was a weapon,
it was concealed.

- Yeah, so you know, it's-
it's sort of hard to describe

a concealed weapon.

- Yeah, I mean, if we could
tell you what it looked like,

he wouldn't be doing a good job
of concealing it.

- [Laughs nervously] Yeah!

- So let me get this straight.

You have no idea
what it looks like,

or whether there was one
in the first place.

- You guys said you were
held up!

- Emotionally!

I mean, I don't know
if there was a gun,

but it was still a robbery,
he was wearing a mask.

And would we all not agree
that words are weapons?!

- Okay, so you offered
the wine,

and you offered the cheese
and the tapenade,

and there was no gun?

This guy just sounds like
a lucky customer, David!

- You know what? I am just
gonna... [pen scratches]

file this report,
and you can follow up

if you have any more
information.

- Yes...

[Door opens and shuts]

- [Patrick sighs]

[David clears his throat]

- So you upsold the robber.

- I did not!
I didn't even tell him

about the vintage wines
we have in the back.

- Oh.
Stevie: Speaking of...

I think we should probably
open one of those bottles,

just to calm the nerves.

- Yeah, I thought you had
to go to work.

- Great. Great stuff, you guys.

[Low hum of voices from TV]

- [Laughs]

- Can I have some more popcorn?
- Oh, sure.

- Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

- I uh, see you're wearing
the locket.

- Oh! I don't know, am I?

Oh, right.

- Well, you proved me wrong,
Alexis.

And I have to say,
I'm actually kind of relieved,

because that means that you
also kept favourite photo

of the two of us.

- I keep that photo in a locked
folder on my phone.

- No, no, I'm talking about
the one in the locket.

Hmm!

Now, this appears to be
a photo of Twyla?

- Yes... I put that there.

Because Twyla is an important
friend.

- And Twyla's mom?

- Is her important friend.

- You gave the locket
to Twyla, didn't you?

- Okay, I would've kept it.

But the necklace
just kept reminding me

of all the bad things
that I'd done,

and then Twyla gave me
a Christmas gift,

and I didn't have anything
to give her--

- Okay, Alexis, I think
we should just agree

to stop feeling bad
about our past,

and just focus on the future.

- Yes, Ted.

- And, in that spirit,

I should probably tell you that
I didn't actually keep

everything that you gave me.

- That's fine.

- Yeah, after the breakup,
I uh...

well, I took some of your stuff
to the incinerator,

along with some pets that
needed to be cremated.

- Ew.
- And you think you feel bad?

The wallet that you gave me
was still in there,

and I had forgotten to take
some of the cards out,

and I was actually only one
stamp away from a free sub, so.

- Okay well, if it makes you
feel any better,

that was David's wallet.

[Ted laughs]

[Door opens]

- Well, well, "John-John"
returns.

- Okay, Moira, don't tell me
you still haven't slept.

- What would give you
that impression?

- Sweetheart, you've got
to find a way

of getting some sleep!

- Easier said than done, John,

when your only husband
is longing for

his epistle-writing inamorata.

- You know what,
if you had taken a nap,

and cleared your head,

instead of running around town

showcasing our personal
business--

- When we were herded
from our home,

and forced to grab what few
precious items we could,

you chose to grab
those letters!

- That's right.
- Who is this woman?!

- Oh... okay.

If you must know,

she's someone who's very
important to me.

- Oh?

- Moira, you wrote
those letters!

- Don't be absurd,
that is not my writing!

- It was that week
on "Sunrise Bay"

when Vivian Blake
had her accident,

you were in a body cast, they
wouldn't let you take it off.

You were writing
with your left hand!

- The spelunking incident.

- No.

It was after she got thrown
upwards through a skylight.

- [Realising gasps]
- Look...

"I'm lying here in bed,

I can't move, I miss you."

It's all there, Moira.

You're telling me none
of this rings a bell?

- In my defense, John,

I had asked for actual
painkillers,

to help ease me into
my character's plight.

But why are you reading
them now?

- [Sighs]

I was missing you,

so I took out the letters,

because reading them made me

feel like you were still
here with me.

- Oh, you're too sweet.

Unfortunately, we're going
to have to stick with

my version of the events.

- What? Why would we do that?

- I don't want anyone thinking
I wrote these!

- Well, I don't want people
thinking I'm reading

some other woman's
love letters!

- Well, it'll give you an edge.

No one will ever accuse you
of being vanilla again.

- Who's saying that?

Johnny: Now kids, I understand
you both have read

a somewhat adult-themed
correspondence

between a loving wife
and her husband?

- Yeah, and I'd prefer if you
could stop talking about it.

- This is why I think it's best
to torch everything

from past failed relationships.

- I'd hardly call this a failed
relationship, David.

We're still here,
35 years later.

- Okay, here we go.

I know you asked for a small,

but I "swapped it" for a large.

- Twyla, may I say,
you are looking very chic.

Johnny: Would you look at that?
That looks like the tiara

you wore at your bat mitzvah,
Alexis.

- Well, I had a little help
from a friend.

- We should probably coordinate
a time

to swap everything back.

- Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.

- [Giggles]

And what exactly did you get
out of this fun swap?

- I got Twyla's step-brother's
dog tags.

And a whistle.
Moira: Caw! Caw!

Oh! [Speaking Bosnian]

- Is she okay?

- Yeah, she's just sleeping.

Well, I'm ready to order.

- Okay, can somebody close
her eyelids, at least?

Please?
- [Snoring]