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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,240 God, I love the pub! 2 00:00:08,060 --> 00:00:10,099 It's just a place where everyone's equal. 3 00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:11,779 Everyone's your friend, you know? 4 00:00:11,780 --> 00:00:13,718 - Hello, Ken. - Oh, bollocks! 5 00:00:13,719 --> 00:00:15,319 I followed you here for some bro time. 6 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,879 Now, high on my agenda is me marrying your sister and finally 7 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,239 penetrating your family unit. 8 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,479 Let's make this happen. 9 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:23,160 Hark! It's Ken Thompson! 10 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,178 - Sorry, do I know you? - I have a gift for knowing people. 11 00:00:27,179 --> 00:00:29,079 I know Graham, for example. 12 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,879 Graham, whose actual name is Steve? 13 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,160 I will speak. 14 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:37,199 Ken Thompson, you will be the Liberal Democrat Parliamentary 15 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,239 candidate for Litchfield. 16 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,999 Right, that's very specific. 17 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,839 And you, Graham, will invent an award-winning sex toy called 18 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,559 The Jolly Rooster. 19 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,839 - Yes! - Really? 20 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,959 Very illuminating. 21 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,800 - She's crackers. - Yeah, I know. 22 00:00:54,046 --> 00:00:56,486 Although, fun fact, my name actually is Graham. 23 00:00:57,596 --> 00:00:59,355 You what? 24 00:00:59,356 --> 00:01:01,888 Yeah, I changed it to Steve by deed poll some time ago. 25 00:01:01,889 --> 00:01:04,364 I mean, Graham is just a bit boring. 26 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,359 - So you mean she's actually...? - Yeah. 27 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,400 How did you...? 28 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,640 Hell's bells, Ken, she's gone! 29 00:01:14,922 --> 00:01:17,722 - Oh, no, wait, she's over there. - Oh. 30 00:01:21,158 --> 00:01:27,158 31 00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:29,499 So you just need to sign here and here, 32 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,519 and your divorce will be through in ten days. 33 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,319 - Congratulations. - Wonderful! 34 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,599 My brother said you were an expert at this mindless clerical staff. 35 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,385 Always nice to receive a compliment! 36 00:01:38,386 --> 00:01:40,119 There is this other little thing. 37 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,799 I got this darling little letter from UK immigration. 38 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:48,039 It said, "Ivy, your visa has run out and you need to leave the country 39 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,892 within 90 days!" 40 00:01:49,893 --> 00:01:51,611 So, what's that about? 41 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:55,319 Well, I think it means your visa has run out and you have 90 days 42 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,599 - to leave the country. - But I can't go back to the States, 43 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,599 they'll pin Ron's crimes on me! 44 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,279 So, what do I do? 45 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,439 Well, you could get a job. 46 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,319 Or you could get married once the divorce comes through. 47 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,759 There you go, I'll marry a wealthy Englishman, 48 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,079 someone like... 49 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,359 ...Sean Connery or Liam Neeson. 50 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,799 Right, you do only have 90 days, though. 51 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,439 90 more days than I need. 52 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,239 Are you a millionaire? 53 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,840 Will you marry me? 54 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,079 No, I'm with Tash. 55 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,400 Although if I wasn't... 56 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:26,600 Still no. 57 00:02:29,495 --> 00:02:31,839 She said YOU'D be an MP? 58 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,253 It was like a prediction, like she'd seen it in a vision. 59 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,099 Spooky-kabooky! 60 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:37,679 Did make me think, though. 61 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,399 Remember when I was making waves at the Lib Dems? 62 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,079 Nina wanted me to be a councillor. 63 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,642 Yeah, till you took an E and puked on her! 64 00:02:42,643 --> 00:02:45,399 Yeah. I should have liked a life in politics. 65 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,999 You're going to go into politics? 66 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,313 Oh, no, it's just something an old lady 67 00:02:48,314 --> 00:02:50,279 said down the pub, it's nothing serious. 68 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,994 Politics! Now, THAT would have made Daddy happy. 69 00:02:52,995 --> 00:02:54,799 I often worry what he would have thought about you 70 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,680 had he seen you living like this. 71 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,120 (THEY SHOUT) 72 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:04,239 Oh, well, hello! Oh! 73 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,839 I am hoarse, I'm actually hoarse! 74 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,879 - That was fricking awesome! - Where were you? 75 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,359 At a march to release this innocent journalist. 76 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,571 You renegades! Y'all have fun out there shaking your rattles? 77 00:03:14,572 --> 00:03:17,008 Actually, we're fighting for the poor and the oppressed, Ivy. 78 00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:18,908 Which is sort of you now, isn't it? 79 00:03:18,909 --> 00:03:21,079 - (THEY LAUGH) - (PHONE PINGS) 80 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,430 Oh, Twitter's saying that Douglas Markham's resigning. 81 00:03:23,431 --> 00:03:25,408 - Isn't he...? - Our local MP! 82 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,719 - It's going to be a by-election. - Ken, don't, it's a coincidence. 83 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,319 It's a bit weird, isn't it? 84 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,171 That's exactly what that old woman said! 85 00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:35,879 Yeah. We probably shouldn't read anything into it, though. 86 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:36,920 (PHONE PINGS) 87 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:40,842 Ken? 88 00:03:40,843 --> 00:03:43,562 It's Nina, she wants me to come in urgently, 89 00:03:43,563 --> 00:03:46,119 she's something important she wants to discuss. 90 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,080 Spooky-kabooky! 91 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,799 Well, I'd made the money I wanted to make, Yusra, 92 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,620 and I just really couldn't get on with being an estate agent. 93 00:03:57,621 --> 00:04:00,319 Everyone's so grasping. 94 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,703 That's just not me. 95 00:04:01,704 --> 00:04:04,281 And working in a garden centre IS you? 96 00:04:04,282 --> 00:04:07,840 I don't see any horticultural experience here. 97 00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:11,111 Oh, I've got experience. 98 00:04:11,112 --> 00:04:17,240 Let's just say I used to look after some pretty exotic plants. 99 00:04:18,411 --> 00:04:21,170 Your previous job was drug dealer? 100 00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:23,811 Well, drug dealer AND grower, yeah. 101 00:04:23,812 --> 00:04:27,258 Well, isn't that marvellously dangerous? 102 00:04:27,259 --> 00:04:28,560 I like a grower. 103 00:04:29,626 --> 00:04:32,359 Well, Dylan, you seem a likely young man, 104 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,626 you could fit in here very nicely. 105 00:04:34,627 --> 00:04:38,148 Thing is, how do I know if you're any good or not? 106 00:04:38,149 --> 00:04:41,280 Do you have a portfolio? 107 00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:45,028 Examples of your work? 108 00:04:45,029 --> 00:04:49,814 Well, I might have an eighth of a portfolio. 109 00:04:49,815 --> 00:04:51,141 Mm! 110 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,559 Just so you know, this means you haven't got the job. 111 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,340 Brilliant, I didn't want it anyway. 112 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:05,879 Oh, wait, I'm going to slip into something more interesting. 113 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,839 - Yeah? - Oh, yeah. 114 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,258 - You're going to love this. - Am I? 115 00:05:10,259 --> 00:05:11,959 Am I going to love it? 116 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,000 Oh, yeah, baby! 117 00:05:17,035 --> 00:05:18,314 I'm nearly done. 118 00:05:18,315 --> 00:05:21,099 - OK, I'm coming. - Come on, I'm ready. 119 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,720 So... what do you think? 120 00:05:27,315 --> 00:05:28,740 This is new. 121 00:05:30,099 --> 00:05:33,158 Sorry to hear about Douglas Markham, Nina, have you...? 122 00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:35,039 Have you got a replacement yet? 123 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,079 Well, difficult times call for a fresh face, 124 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,719 and I think that you in particular will be very surprised to hear 125 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,902 who we've gone for. 126 00:05:45,903 --> 00:05:47,199 Do I know them? 127 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:51,287 It's a local colossus, hitherto barely involved in politics. 128 00:05:51,288 --> 00:05:54,480 And someone not a million miles away from this table. 129 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,981 Wow! Nina... 130 00:05:58,982 --> 00:06:00,919 - I don't know what to say! - Yep. 131 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,999 So we are delighted to announce that the candidate who's 132 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,254 going to be fighting this by-election is Yu... 133 00:06:07,255 --> 00:06:08,301 ...sra. 134 00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:10,115 Yusra Duncan. 135 00:06:10,116 --> 00:06:12,880 Sorry, I have terrible problems with her name. 136 00:06:12,881 --> 00:06:14,920 She's a local businesswoman! 137 00:06:15,435 --> 00:06:18,154 Well, what was all that about not far from this table?! 138 00:06:18,155 --> 00:06:21,395 Oh, oh, yeah, her head office is across the road. 139 00:06:21,396 --> 00:06:23,239 Ken, you look very grumpy. What's wrong? 140 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,799 No, no, it's fine, it's... 141 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,639 Well, I thought maybe you had me in mind. 142 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,579 You? Oh, my goodness! 143 00:06:31,580 --> 00:06:33,920 That's so... That's so funny! 144 00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:38,956 Oh, you! 145 00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:41,119 No, sorry, it's Yusra Duncan. 146 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,519 Yeah, we had to make a very quick choice, so... 147 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,479 She's very popular with our biggest donor. 148 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,445 Do you know Gordon Andrews, the poultry magnate? 149 00:06:47,446 --> 00:06:48,250 Yeah. 150 00:06:48,251 --> 00:06:50,756 He's hosting a big fundraiser for us on Saturday. 151 00:06:50,757 --> 00:06:52,279 That's why I've called you in. 152 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,639 Come along, bring your family. 153 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,217 - What, that's it? - Mm. 154 00:06:55,218 --> 00:06:56,709 You said it was urgent! 155 00:06:56,710 --> 00:06:58,867 Oh, well, um... 156 00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,480 I must have meant not urgent. 157 00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,340 Go away now, please. 158 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,460 - Yep. - Yep. 159 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,502 Very busy. 160 00:07:11,976 --> 00:07:13,359 Here he is! 161 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:17,479 Do I see before me the parliamentary candidate for Litchfield? 162 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,741 No, you do not. 163 00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:21,159 Nina remains a psychopath and this has been another 164 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,400 wild goose chase. 165 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,764 I would have been an amazing MP, and now she expects me to go 166 00:07:26,765 --> 00:07:30,159 to some worthless fundraiser round at Gordon Andrews' house. 167 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,399 Well, it's not happening. 168 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,519 Gordon Andrews... 169 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,359 Dad, Andrews' chickens are reared in windowless warehouses, 170 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,319 he is a monster! 171 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,759 Yes, here he is, he's on the list! 172 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,559 86, widowed, worth 40 million. 173 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,204 He is perfect! 174 00:07:44,205 --> 00:07:46,399 - A chicken torturer?! - Who's 86?! 175 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,119 Oh, shush, both of you, can't a girl fall in love? 176 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,352 Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up, 177 00:07:50,353 --> 00:07:51,999 word has it he's sweet on the chosen 178 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,570 candidate, Yusra Duncan. 179 00:07:53,571 --> 00:07:56,040 Yusra Duncan! Let's have a look. 180 00:07:58,375 --> 00:08:00,879 Ha! No contest! 181 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,319 Trust me, darlin', when that millionaire hears 182 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,586 about my milkshake, he's going to feel 75 again. 183 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,080 Your milkshake? 184 00:08:09,039 --> 00:08:10,999 I need to pick out my outfit. 185 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,079 And the dog's outfit. 186 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,239 And she's put on a lot of weight lately! 187 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,479 - (DOG WHINES) - Well, it's a shame we're not going. 188 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,239 All right, losers? 189 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,320 Just brought some washing round for Mum. 190 00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:25,260 Hey, why are you looking at Yusra Duncan? 191 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,585 Why, do you know her? 192 00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:29,306 I've seen her around. 193 00:08:29,307 --> 00:08:31,579 I mean, she's pretty fit for an old lady. 194 00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:32,581 Right? 195 00:08:33,363 --> 00:08:34,403 I suppose. 196 00:08:35,536 --> 00:08:36,775 Well, I shagged her. 197 00:08:36,776 --> 00:08:38,199 You did? 198 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,839 Oh, horrible! 199 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:44,519 And let me tell you, she has got some pretty specific tastes! 200 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,094 Oh, come on, Dylan, spill the beans! 201 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:54,281 OK, so, she likes to do it dressed up in teddy bear outfits. 202 00:08:54,282 --> 00:08:57,119 - Oh, my! - Teddy bears? 203 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,039 And you did it? 204 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,799 Obviously, I did it, but, to be honest, 205 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,239 it was actually pretty comfy. 206 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,280 Oh, my God! 207 00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:07,330 Yes! 208 00:09:07,331 --> 00:09:08,731 Can't you see? 209 00:09:08,732 --> 00:09:11,108 The path presents itself! 210 00:09:11,109 --> 00:09:14,293 Your rival is a fur-vert! 211 00:09:14,294 --> 00:09:17,239 That can't be normal, not even in ye olde England. 212 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,999 She's not my rival, Ivy, I'm not even in the running. 213 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,438 Ken, you're forgetting your trump card, your sister! 214 00:09:23,439 --> 00:09:27,039 Now, we go to this party, I get the millionaire to fall 215 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:30,399 in love with me, you use the information to knock Yusra 216 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,640 out of the way! Bad-a-bing, bad-a-boom! 217 00:09:34,652 --> 00:09:35,692 No! 218 00:09:37,633 --> 00:09:40,439 Oh, shit, it might just work. 219 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,840 I could still be an MP! 220 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,799 No, no, no, it's immoral! 221 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,799 And anyway, how would we prove it? 222 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:50,160 Well, I mean, she did get me to film it, if that helps. 223 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,080 - Don't tell Lorna. - ?500. 224 00:10:00,257 --> 00:10:04,039 Gordon Andrews, he takes a bird to market! 225 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,452 Gordon Andrews, he tortures chicken and turkey! 226 00:10:07,453 --> 00:10:09,296 Yeah, well, that's the last car that's coming in! 227 00:10:09,297 --> 00:10:11,480 Yeah, the party's over, chump! 228 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,280 - Oh, let's do this! - Yeah! 229 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,239 They're going to be so mad! 230 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,199 They're going to be like, "Why can't I get in? 231 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,479 "Oh, my God, I can't get into the party!" 232 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,040 - Give me your phone. - OK., No distractions. 233 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,439 - You've hidden the keys, right? - Yep. 234 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:38,759 Swallowed them. 235 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,639 What? Tash, you swallowed them? 236 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,959 Yes, bruv! 237 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,000 - They're going to have to cut us out! - Tash, you mentalist! 238 00:10:45,858 --> 00:10:50,119 Gordon Andrews, he takes a bird to market! 239 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,160 Tash? 240 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:54,640 Shit, how did they get in? 241 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:56,800 I don't know. 242 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,279 Excuse me, hello...? 243 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,759 Um, is this the main entrance? 244 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,519 No, ladies, if you want the main entrance, 245 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,088 you have to go to the other side. 246 00:11:07,089 --> 00:11:08,815 Oh, OK, thank you. 247 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:19,839 We must say thank you to you, Gordon, it's a beautiful event, 248 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,719 thank you for your support. 249 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,269 Spur your courage to the stickin' place, Kenneth, 250 00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:27,039 give me half an hour to enrapture the millionaire, 251 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,282 And then show the video to Nina! 252 00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:31,279 Ivy, do you think this is a good idea? 253 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,519 Well, why wouldn't it be? 254 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,454 I'm about to blackmail someone with a porn video 255 00:11:34,455 --> 00:11:35,839 starring my own son. 256 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,199 It just seems a bit... 257 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,267 ...sordid. 258 00:11:38,268 --> 00:11:39,959 What's all this whispering about? 259 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,239 Nothing, just getting into the vibe of the party. 260 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,759 Look at this, balloons and all the social democracy, 261 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:46,875 it's nice. 262 00:11:46,876 --> 00:11:48,839 Oh, Ken, lovely, you're here. 263 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,279 Come and meet our host. 264 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,680 Here, take the dog. 265 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,399 Ah, here you are in this random corner of the room! 266 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,640 Oh! Who's your hot friend? 267 00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:06,868 Ivy, my sister, this is Nina. 268 00:12:06,869 --> 00:12:09,439 Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter. 269 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:10,960 Are you Gordon Andrews? 270 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,400 Enchante! 271 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,840 Oh, dear, my shawl! 272 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:25,919 (HE GASPS) 273 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,847 Are you married? 274 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,239 - So, you're a single guy? - Yeah. 275 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,760 Oh, that is so rare in someone so handsome! 276 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,880 Oh! Like you don't know! 277 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,120 Stop staring at me that! 278 00:12:44,121 --> 00:12:46,519 It's like you're seducing me on the spot! 279 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,839 (HE COUGHS) 280 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,160 Get the hell out of here! I've got it, bitch! 281 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,040 Look at us laughing together! 282 00:13:01,204 --> 00:13:02,244 Gesundheit! 283 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,079 Oi, it's going to be a shit night! 284 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,400 - Yeah! - Poor chickens! 285 00:13:13,456 --> 00:13:15,744 Oh! That's so rude! 286 00:13:15,745 --> 00:13:16,920 Really rude! 287 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,600 I'm so sorry. 288 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,792 Ben said he'd pick us up about five, didn't he? 289 00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:26,083 Four hours. 290 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:34,240 Tell you how we could use the time constructively... 291 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,519 - Yes, Tash! - Yeah. 292 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,040 - Have you got a lighter? - Mm-hm. 293 00:13:48,054 --> 00:13:49,853 Ken, Ken! 294 00:13:49,854 --> 00:13:53,479 The old goat's hooked! My divorce comes through next week, 295 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,377 I'll be remarried in a month and widowed pretty soon afterwards. 296 00:13:58,378 --> 00:14:01,308 Now it's your turn. Nina's right over there. 297 00:14:01,309 --> 00:14:04,948 I don't know, all these underhand tactics, it's just not me. 298 00:14:04,949 --> 00:14:07,518 This is your chance to be something, 299 00:14:07,519 --> 00:14:11,199 and all you have to do is ruin someone else's life! 300 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,600 And if you don't do it, I will. 301 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,767 - Nina? - Yeah? 302 00:14:18,768 --> 00:14:21,321 - Could I have a word? - Um, OK. 303 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,639 Bye. 304 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,599 This is all highly secretive, Ken. 305 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,519 It's almost like you're trying to seduce me. 306 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,519 That's not what this is at all. 307 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,000 OK, right, well, what is it? 308 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,640 - Nina... - Yep, Ken, spit it out. 309 00:14:38,126 --> 00:14:39,600 It's Yusra Duncan. 310 00:14:39,984 --> 00:14:43,623 I've got wind of a video of her having sex with a man 311 00:14:43,624 --> 00:14:45,024 in his 20s. 312 00:14:45,025 --> 00:14:46,506 That's not all. 313 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,040 - They're both dressed as teddy bears. - Oh, my God, OK, um... 314 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,003 Wow, Yusra Duncan's... 315 00:14:55,004 --> 00:14:56,644 ...an ursusagalmatophile! 316 00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:59,097 - Oh, it's got a name? OK. - Yeah, that's the name. 317 00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:02,399 And the voters really don't like them. 318 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,279 Well... 319 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:09,643 ...I may have acquired the video, and, let's just say, 320 00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:13,135 I would hate for it to get into the wrong hands. 321 00:15:13,136 --> 00:15:15,738 Absolutely, absolutely, Yusra's campaign would 322 00:15:15,739 --> 00:15:17,639 be dead on arrival, it would be a disaster. 323 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,878 - Oh, I know! Cataclysm, so... - Yep. 324 00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:22,205 OK. 325 00:15:22,206 --> 00:15:25,558 Right, well, thank the Lord this isn't going to go any further. 326 00:15:26,699 --> 00:15:28,463 Right, I'd better start the auction. 327 00:15:28,464 --> 00:15:29,785 Wait! 328 00:15:30,191 --> 00:15:32,506 How do you know it's not going to get into the wrong hands? 329 00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:35,879 Well, I mean, you said yourself you're the only person with the video. 330 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,644 Yes, I know what I said, but... 331 00:15:38,356 --> 00:15:41,597 What if it were to happen by accident? 332 00:15:42,402 --> 00:15:44,479 Well, that's highly unlikely. 333 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,640 OK, well, what if I did it deliberately? 334 00:15:52,324 --> 00:15:55,073 What, you, blackmail us?! 335 00:15:55,074 --> 00:15:56,720 That's wonderful! 336 00:15:57,602 --> 00:16:01,521 Good, kind, beautiful Ken, would you do something so dastardly? 337 00:16:01,522 --> 00:16:03,243 No, that's never going to happen! 338 00:16:06,218 --> 00:16:07,258 It was a joke. 339 00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:11,682 Oh, you're so funny, Ken, you are! 340 00:16:11,683 --> 00:16:13,324 OK, bye, see you later! 341 00:16:23,234 --> 00:16:24,274 I think that's done. 342 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,520 I do not need any more, though! 343 00:16:33,147 --> 00:16:37,079 You know when Ben told me that he was still mates with his ex? 344 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,394 I was not happy, I was like... 345 00:16:42,347 --> 00:16:43,599 ...warning signs! 346 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,380 Yeah, totally, you're just, like, bitch alert! 347 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,839 And I was, like, please, don't let her be pretty! 348 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,640 And then I saw you, and... 349 00:16:54,809 --> 00:16:56,329 Obviously, you're gorgeous. 350 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,280 Yeah, I really am. 351 00:17:00,636 --> 00:17:03,980 You keep telling people, I like that character trait! 352 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,279 And then we got to talking and I was, like, whoa, 353 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,199 this is incredible, we're the same! 354 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,360 We are the same. 355 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,319 The same, there is no difference. 356 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:15,760 There is no difference. 357 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,860 So what did you think of me when we first met? 358 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,490 What did I think? 359 00:17:26,443 --> 00:17:28,360 I thought you were hitting on me! 360 00:17:29,017 --> 00:17:30,057 What?! 361 00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:34,878 - Oh, God, cos we met in that coffee shop? - Yeah. 362 00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,999 But then I saw you with Ben and... 363 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,480 ...I realised you were just being really nice. 364 00:17:41,028 --> 00:17:42,988 You know, cos that's what you're like. 365 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,640 You're just really, really... 366 00:18:24,902 --> 00:18:27,027 Oh, absolutely, good for you. 367 00:18:27,028 --> 00:18:29,201 - Must go. - OK, OK. 368 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,719 Been chatting to that Yusra Duncan, she is just lovely! 369 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,799 Yeah, a typical politician, isn't it? 370 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,279 All smiles, aren't they? 371 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,679 Then they sell their own grandma. 372 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,679 - Oh, no, her grandma's dead. - Well, there you go. 373 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,239 And not just her grandma, 374 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,599 her husband died a few years ago, too. 375 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,920 She said he was really funny, he was one of those football mascots. 376 00:18:51,772 --> 00:18:55,488 She said she tries to remember him in every way she can. 377 00:18:55,489 --> 00:19:00,319 Right, well, thank God no-one's going to see a video of her dealing 378 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,319 - with THAT pain. - What?! - Hm? 379 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,359 Ken, are you OK? 380 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,039 Yeah. No, I'm fine. 381 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,079 Do you know what, Lorna? 382 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,519 I think I might try and be an MP one day. 383 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,245 I think I'd be good at it. 384 00:19:10,246 --> 00:19:11,792 But I want to do it the right way. 385 00:19:11,793 --> 00:19:13,040 Bully for you, Ken. 386 00:19:14,698 --> 00:19:16,377 What would be the wrong way? 387 00:19:16,378 --> 00:19:20,578 - Testing, testing, one, two, three. - Come on, let's sit down. 388 00:19:20,579 --> 00:19:23,919 Welcome, everybody, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, 389 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,079 it's nearly time for the auction. 390 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:30,399 And I would love to thank Gordon for his amazingly generous donation 391 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,520 of these antiques. 392 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,079 First, I know that you're all very, very much looking forward 393 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,472 to meeting our new candidate, and here she is, 394 00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:43,960 Yusra Duncan! Come up, Yusra! 395 00:19:49,136 --> 00:19:51,279 - How did it go with Nina? - Fine. 396 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,839 Common sense prevailed in the end. 397 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,319 You chickened out. I knew you would. 398 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,658 Don't worry, your big sister looked after it. 399 00:19:57,659 --> 00:19:59,639 What do you mean, looked after it? 400 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,639 I swapped the files on the computer back there. 401 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,096 You didn't. 402 00:20:03,097 --> 00:20:04,480 Of course I did. 403 00:20:04,481 --> 00:20:07,159 I'm not going to let you be a loser all your life. 404 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,079 They're about to play the video that'll introduce everybody 405 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,556 to their new candidate! 406 00:20:12,557 --> 00:20:18,697 And here it is, a video to introduce everybody to our new candidate. 407 00:20:18,698 --> 00:20:22,542 And you're all going to see a new side to Yusra. 408 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,730 Oh, God, no, no! I've got to stop it, I've got to stop it! 409 00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:26,768 Ken! 410 00:20:26,769 --> 00:20:30,639 So, after Yusra's said a few words, we'll watch a little video 411 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,999 and then we'll get on with the auction, OK? 412 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,080 So, speech, Yusra! 413 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,279 I just want to say it's been great to meet you all. 414 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,399 And with that, I'll hand back to Nina. 415 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,479 - Is that it?! - OK. 416 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,479 Well, I think all that needs to be done, 417 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:50,919 then, is for me to work out which button on this remote to press... 418 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,283 OK, stop, stop! 419 00:20:53,284 --> 00:20:54,649 Sorry! 420 00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:56,119 Ken, what are you doing? 421 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,636 - I'm sorry, I want to make a speech. - What?! 422 00:20:59,637 --> 00:21:01,040 Hello, Lib Dems! 423 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,214 I said, hello, Lib Dems! 424 00:21:05,746 --> 00:21:07,465 How is everyone doing? 425 00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,986 Whoo! Lib Dems! 426 00:21:09,987 --> 00:21:12,079 Whoo! 427 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,720 Hello, I am Ken Thompson. 428 00:21:16,428 --> 00:21:18,147 Do not adjust your sets. 429 00:21:18,491 --> 00:21:19,690 I am this big. 430 00:21:19,691 --> 00:21:21,190 And I am this handsome. 431 00:21:22,417 --> 00:21:26,039 Ha! Now, listen, Yusra is a fine candidate. 432 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,174 I know, when it comes to raising money for the Lib Dems, 433 00:21:29,175 --> 00:21:32,268 there is no magic money tree, there isn't. 434 00:21:32,269 --> 00:21:36,072 But there is such a thing as a money plant. 435 00:21:36,073 --> 00:21:40,598 And I bought six of them at Yusra's garden centre earlier! 436 00:21:40,599 --> 00:21:43,221 Cos that's what she makes happen, because... 437 00:21:43,222 --> 00:21:44,495 That's hilarious! 438 00:21:44,496 --> 00:21:46,385 Yeah! Thank you, sir. Where are you from? 439 00:21:46,386 --> 00:21:47,639 Redditch. 440 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,399 Redditch! Whoa! 441 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,347 You want to get some cream for that! 442 00:21:51,348 --> 00:21:52,729 Redditch! 443 00:21:52,730 --> 00:21:54,839 At least I'm not from Itchfield, mate. 444 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,385 Itchfield's good as well! 445 00:21:56,386 --> 00:21:58,401 That's good, say some more! 446 00:21:58,402 --> 00:22:01,079 Er, anyone in from Rashburn? 447 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,399 Rashburn! Love it! Not as good, but still funny! 448 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,039 Try and think of some more. 449 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:09,279 Don't press that button, you're about to show the video, the furry video! 450 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,279 - The furry video? - Yes, the furry video! 451 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,079 - How did they get hold of the furry video? - I don't know. 452 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:15,464 - Sabotage. - Sabotage?! 453 00:22:15,465 --> 00:22:17,503 - What's going on? - Yusra, I'm sorry, 454 00:22:17,504 --> 00:22:19,667 but your enemies have got hold of some 455 00:22:19,668 --> 00:22:21,199 incriminating material. 456 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,118 Oh, God, no! 457 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:26,319 - Is it the midget gardeners? - What?! No! - No! 458 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,158 - The bear suit? - Yes. - Yes. 459 00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:30,533 Oh, what have I done? 460 00:22:30,534 --> 00:22:32,760 - Ken, you'd better give me the mic. - OK. 461 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,439 All right, hey, pack it in, Yusra needs to speak. 462 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,439 Yusra, please, come on now. 463 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,039 Hello again, everyone. 464 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,383 Um... 465 00:22:43,384 --> 00:22:45,726 I've got something I have to tell you. 466 00:22:45,727 --> 00:22:49,678 Um, you know, when you go through a hard time in life, 467 00:22:49,679 --> 00:22:54,580 you cling onto any kind of comfort, soft, 468 00:22:55,181 --> 00:22:59,000 warm, furry comfort. 469 00:22:59,427 --> 00:23:02,820 And when I feel lonely, um... 470 00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:05,159 I can't do this. 471 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,279 Friends, I can't be your candidate. 472 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,479 (GASPING) 473 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,959 I'm going to step down. 474 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:16,181 Of course, who you pick to succeed me is up to you. 475 00:23:16,182 --> 00:23:18,584 - I'm sorry. - Yusra... 476 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,119 IVY: What about Ken Thomson? 477 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:24,600 That's a great idea, I like funnyman! Ken! 478 00:23:24,601 --> 00:23:27,840 (CHANTING): Ken! Ken! Ken! 479 00:23:30,619 --> 00:23:32,519 Wow! 480 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,782 Yes, Ken Thompson! 481 00:23:34,783 --> 00:23:39,440 You have been selected to be the next Liberal Democrat candidate! 482 00:23:43,609 --> 00:23:45,009 I knew he could do it. 483 00:23:48,076 --> 00:23:49,715 Will you marry me? 484 00:23:49,716 --> 00:23:51,939 I thought you would never ask. 485 00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:54,839 My divorce comes through in a week. Can you live that long... 486 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,119 ...I mean, wait that long? 487 00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,799 (CHANTING): Ken! Ken! Ken! 488 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,471 Thank you, thank you. I don't know what to say. 489 00:24:03,472 --> 00:24:07,361 I suppose, what I can promise is, as your new candidate, 490 00:24:08,058 --> 00:24:10,125 there will be a gentler politics. 491 00:24:10,726 --> 00:24:13,925 And Yusra leaves with her reputation intact. 492 00:24:13,926 --> 00:24:18,318 No-one needs to ask what happened, who said what, who blackmailed who? 493 00:24:18,319 --> 00:24:20,415 Let's just move forward, ladies and gentlemen. 494 00:24:20,416 --> 00:24:22,111 Let's move forward together. 495 00:24:22,721 --> 00:24:24,384 Together with dignity. 496 00:24:24,385 --> 00:24:26,760 Wow, a round of applause for Ken! 497 00:24:29,643 --> 00:24:31,420 Oh, no, oh, the remote! 498 00:24:31,421 --> 00:24:33,941 - Why is it playing?! - It's the remote... 499 00:24:33,942 --> 00:24:34,983 Don't look! 500 00:24:44,391 --> 00:24:45,719 My things! 501 00:24:46,730 --> 00:24:48,209 No... 502 00:24:48,210 --> 00:24:49,771 Oh, please! 503 00:24:56,625 --> 00:25:02,840 Oh, Gordon! No! You can't have a heart attack! 504 00:25:03,775 --> 00:25:05,520 Oh, my God! 505 00:25:06,259 --> 00:25:07,300 Please! 506 00:25:07,978 --> 00:25:10,040 Just one more week! 507 00:25:11,337 --> 00:25:12,680 Fuck a duck! 508 00:25:12,681 --> 00:25:18,102 509 00:25:18,152 --> 00:25:22,702 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37278

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