All language subtitles for Cuckoo s05e03 Weed Farm.eng

How was everything, madam?

I'm afraid I won't be paying.

There was a hair in my food.

Sloppy, very sloppy.

But you still ate the food.

And this is the third time
this week this has happened.

What can I say?

Maybe you British people need
to shave your chefs more often.

It's almost as though you're trying
to get out of paying the bill.

You are hilarious.

That really tickled me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
need to go to the bathroom.

(SHE WHISTLES)

Shit!

Hey there, Dylan.

Ivy, it's not what it looks like.

What does it look like?

- Like you're dealing drugs.
- No. No way.

Mate, mate. I think I gave you two 20s

instead of a 20 and a 10 for the drugs.

Just don't tell Mum and Dad.

What kind of drugs are we talking about?

Quaalude, K2, benzodiazepine?
It's so hot right now.

How do you know all of this?

I used to live four doors
down from Snoop Dogg.

We used to get high and
watch American Idol.

Man, I miss Snoop Dogg Sundays.

Do you want to see my weed farm?

Hell, yeah.

Ha!

Yeah, we're used to showing
people round bungalows,

so this is a nice change.

Wow.

Come on in.

Alrighty, then.

This place is huge.

It reminds me of my old pool house.

Literally, there is just
an attic sitting there.

Why not make a little
bit of extra money?

Welcome to my drug empire.

What have you got there?

Some of my old diaries.

I thought I might write
them up into a book.

Is this because of your sister?

Ken, you're great just as you are,
look at what you've achieved.

What have I achieved?

Well... I wasn't really
expecting a follow-up there.

Thank you.

Morning, Thompsons.

Can't stay and chat, got deals
to do, but I just thought

I'd bring round some gifts
before I go and meet Auntie Ivy.

Mum, that's for you.
Rach, there you are.

I don't really like you spending
so much time with her, Dylan.

She's a very damaged,
troubled individual

with amazing hair.

No offence, but she is much
cooler than any of you pricks.

Dylan, that is very offensive.

- Wow, Armani!
- Mm, the real deal.

Yeah, there's only one R in Armani.

Yeah, all right, they're
fakes but, come on,

they're the best fakes on the
market, they weren't cheap.

You know, there are other ways
of showing someone you love them

other than consumerism.

Me and Tash were talking
about this yesterday.

We think we should just
get rid of consumerism.

- Just get rid of it, yeah?
- Yeah.

So all shops and businesses have gone.

I hope you have grown some
veg, Rachel, because there's

going to be shit-all for dinner tonight.

Well argued, Dad.

There's an inscription, "Love you, Mum."

"Twat"?

Thanks.

Oi, where's my gift?

A grand cash if you shit
yourself right now.

Dylan, I have told you before,

I'm not going to
deliberately shit my pants.

Fair enough.

But I'll find your ceiling one day.

Oh, wow. Listen to this.

"Met a girl at The
Hummingbird tonight, Lorna.

"Asked her out for a drink next week."

Aw, you two!

Sweet, wasn't I?

"She seems all right, but don't
know if it'll go anywhere.

"She is only an estate agent."

Oh. Now, context is important here.

Only an estate agent?

Ken, I had men fighting
in the streets over me.

Well, you didn't, did you, Lorn?

You just lived in a rough area.

Come on, Lorn. Everyone thinks
estate agents are cocks.

Great.

I'm a cock.

Thanks very much.

No, Lorn... Lorn!

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Look at Dylan,

it sort of proves my point.

"Boy George was on Top
Of The Pops again.

She's beautiful."

The '80s were a very confusing decade.

I've got a surprise for you.

We've slightly expanded.

Lights, Dylan.

Oh, my God.

Give me the lead.

It's massive.

I can't believe you've done all of this.

Please! It was your idea.

Think of me as barely
involved, untraceable.

I'm willing to give you
100% of the credit

for just 50% of the money.

That is so solid of you to do that

because you're the one
who's done all the work.

Okey dokey. We're done here.

Just think about the
money you'll be making.

You'll be able to
buy a place like this.

Yeah. Eight beds, swimming pool...

Heck, this place even has a panic room.

Panic room.

We used to have his
and hers panic rooms.

Ivy, so, obviously being a
drug dealer is really great

and I'm not scared of prison,
you know, I can do time,

but it's just this whole thing
now all of a sudden seems

a lot more illegal than
what I had going before.

Illegal? It's weed.

In America, you can buy it at the store.

And you are American, so
none of this is illegal.

- My God, that's awesome.
- Sure.

Today, weed farm,

tomorrow, drug factory.

And you know what
happens in drug factories?

Murders?

The women have to go topless

to stop them from stealing the product.

But, hang on, when you say
topless, do you mean like bras

or is it actually all out?

Because sometimes when you go to
these topless beaches, you get

there and the women aren't even
properly topless and it's like,

I've driven all the way there, and
they must know as well as I do

that petrol does not grow on trees.

They can be as topless as you want.

Well, then, count me in, partner.

Silent partner.

Well, OK, then.

Your mum's still not returning my texts.

What should I do?

Maybe say, "Sorry I belittled
your career, your life,

and cheapened any sense of
self-worth that you have."

Rachel, it was something
I wrote 30 years ago.

Besides, estate agents aren't
exactly saving lives, are they?

Later, Dad.

Where are you off to?

I'm off to meet Ben and Tash.

You're not still into Ben, are you?

You're spending a lot of time
with him and his new girlfriend.

My God, no way.

I love Ben, but he's Ben.

But Tash, Tash is really cool.

We're going to this protest art thing.

There will be hundreds of us
naked outside the Bull Ring.

Why?

- We're protesting inequality.
- Right.

Well, I'm sure inequality
is going to take a while

to get over that kicking.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Yes, hello.

I wonder if I could book
an appointment to see

the three-bed terrace on Coalville.

Great.

Who covers that area for you?

Lorna Thompson, OK.

Yeah.

My name?

It's, um...

...David Steel.

(KNOCKING)

Mr Steel? Lorna Thom...

Ken.

28 years ago, I was wrong.

I made a mistake.

You're not just an estate agent.

- You're a hero.
- Aw.

And anyway, yeah, there's
a few bad apples,

but if it wasn't for estate agents,

where would The Apprentice
get all their wankers from?

Sorry?

Oh, come here, you big softie.

You sure know how to make a
big romantic gesture, Ken.

I'm not Ken.

Ken belittles people's careers.

David Steel would never do that,
although he did have some pretty

harsh words to say about David
Owen's leadership of the SDLP.

Sorry. Champagne?

Maybe later.

Mr Steel.

Ooh, call me David.

Tell me more about David Steel.

Really? Well, Liberal
leader from '76 to '88,

- for my money, Steel...
- Shut up, Ken.

I don't need the actual facts.

You're ruining the moment.

Are we having a moment?

Well, we are alone together
in an empty house,

and you have 45 minutes of
your viewing time left.

Yes!

It's on your nose.

It's on yours now.

What's up with you two?

Have you joined a cult?

Just a man and a woman high
on love and life, Rachel.

- OK.
- Let's just say

your dad has made his way back

- into my good books.
- Aw, that's nice.

Twice.

Ooh!

Num-num-num!

We might need some help when
it comes time to harvest.

The homeless will work
for nothing, right?

You two have been spending
a lot of time together.

What can I say?

We are growing our relationship.

Yeah. I guess WE'D FARM much...

Shut up now, Dylan, honey.

OK.

Right.

Jesus!

- Steve!
- Rachel, nice evening.

It's starting to really
feel like spring.

- What are you doing?
- Just checking up on my beloved.

Ivy.

There's something weird going
on between her and Dylan.

Yeah, I've sort of noticed that.

Spending the whole day together,
private conversations.

Yeah, pretty clear
what's happening here.

An incestuous aunt and
nephew relationship.

Are you insane?

Incest, that is not what is happening.

It's obvious, I blame Game Of Thrones.

It used to be that
incest was frowned upon.

Illegal.

Now since your Lannisters are doing
the Norfolk nasty every other week,

- the box is wide open.
- Steve, even for you, this is mental,

there is absolutely no incest
going on in our family.

Coming from a woman who slept
with her husband's son.

That was...

...complicated, and there's
nothing going on here.

- Dylan would never...
- Hmm.

- I mean, he'd probably never...
- Yeah.

Mind you, he has
done some weird stuff.

- Yes.
- Even he...

- Wouldn't he?
- Hmm.

Only one way to find out. Tomorrow,
you and me, we'll follow them,

a good old-fashioned stakeout.

OK, fine, but if I agree to do this,

you leave us alone and
stop watching us eat.

- Deal.
- OK.

See you at 0800, and bring
a gun, if you've got one.

Good evening, Mr Steel.

Oh.

Get on with it!

Miss Thompson.

You find me alone.

My husband has just popped out.

The man's a damn fool.

Leaving you alone with
a man like me around.

- Yeah, the prick.
- Lorn! - Sorry.

Got a bit too into it. Come on, kiss me.

David, you're so powerful.

Well, what David Steel wants, he gets.

That's why, as a relatively
unknown Liberal backbencher,

he was able to pass meaningful
reform on abortion.

OK, let's stop, Ken.

Sorry, love, it's just not the same.

No, I know.

It's just...

...earlier was so bad,
so exciting, in a...

...in a strange house.

We could have been caught at any moment.

I've got an hour free
for viewings tomorrow.

Do you think David Steel would
like to view another property?

Well, I hear he is in town,

and he loved what he saw today,

and he is a very motivated buyer.

Oh, yeah?

I hear he has a sizeable deposit.

Yes, he does.

And he's chain-free.

That one doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.

Better get some sleep, Mr Steel,

you're going to need
your energy tomorrow.

- Night, Lorn.
- Night, Ken.

Look at it.

My own drug empire.

Made this much money in a week,
man, we make a good team.

My brains and your... teeth.

Yeah, I've always had really good teeth.

Grab the broken lamp.

We've got to get out of here

and let the money grow.

So what do we do now?

Play the old waiting game,
the old watch and wait,

look and learn, hide and seek, dance...

Yeah, can we do it without talking?

Not my style, Rach.

Can I tempt you to some stakeout food?

Steve, why the hell have
you brought a tub of lamb?

It's got everything, protein, vitamins,

zinc, testosterone. It's
vital if things kick off.

No, I can't have lamb, I'm vegan now.

Me and Tash are both vegan.

- Actually, it's really interesting...
- I hate to break it to you, Rachel,

it's not interesting.

It's not interesting at all.

Urgh.

I've made us a stakeout mix tape.

- Hope you like show tunes.
-
Not a sound from the pavement...

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Tash. Yeah, I'm on a stakeout.

No, Steve!

Yeah, I know, mental, right?

Oh, no, you're right,

mental is a problematic term.

I said it's a problematic term.

You've been a real find.

When I first came to Lichfield, England,

I thought all the Thompsons
were failures, no offence.

I mean, they are, they are all fuck-ups.

Well, but not you.

You've got Big Jack's genes.

I tell you what, you're not
the only one with brains

because I have come up with the
best plan for how we can shift

the rest of our weed.

Great.

Who better to deal
drugs than drug dealers?

Come again?

Yeah, so I've been in touch
with a big local dealer

and told them about our set-up and
asked him to come down for a sample.

Genius or what?

Dylan, you total idiot.

We have no security and
you advertised our set-up

to a rival drug dealer.

He's not going to steal it.

It's the dealers' code.

Oh, my God.

Did Lorna drop you on
your head every day?

Is that why there's nothing in there?

- (DOOR RATTLES)
- Panic room.

Panic room.

Fucking heels.

This way!

Shit, shit, shit.

What are we going to do?

Sit your ass down, think
about how dumb you are

and hope they don't
break in to the attic.

God, they are really
tearing the place apart.

You're too strong, David.

You're too powerful.

Take me upstairs, David.

Take me upstairs and make love to me.

Say my name.

David Steel.

Vote for me!

Vote for me.

- I'll be your ballot box, David.
- Vote for me!

I'll fight for you. I'll fight...

- Nothing happened?
- Nope.

- No?
- No.

I'm going to take a look.

There must be some way of getting
the security system online.

I did it!

Urgh.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

You are shitting me.

I'm the founder of the Lib Dems!
I'm the founder of the Lib Dems!

Look at your parents.

I started the whole movement!

We've got company.

God, do you think they're
the drug dealers?

Of course they're the drug dealers.

Shit, what if they find Mum and Dad?

Good point, Champ, go get them.

I am not going near that.

You're the one who invited rival
drug dealers to our weed farm.

Fuck.

Ivy!

I'm coming!

(HE YELLS)

Boo!

Fucking hell, Tash.

You shit yourself. I thought we'd
come along, join the stakeout.

It's not anything dangerous, is it?

No, it's pretty boring,
Ben, to be honest with you.

Right, put some clothes on,
you are both coming with me.

Dylan! I don't want
to hear about it, OK?

Just cover yourselves
up and come quickly.

I'm dressed, Dylan. I'm dressed!

What the hell are you doing here?

I had a viewing booked.

Yes, I saw your VIEWING, Mum,

and I will deal with
that one day in therapy,

but right now the priority is to
just get the fuck out of here.

Where's Dad?

Oh.

Yeah.

Pow!

Ooh, David!

Steve should be out by now.

What if he's in trouble?

Let's check it out.

Or we could just stay here and...

No, OK.

You're in a drug turf war?

Only a little one, Mum.

This is your doing, isn't it?

I knew you were a bad influence the
minute you came into our house.

I didn't know anything about
your son's weed farm.

I'm as shocked as you are.

We have to do something.

Your dad could be caught at any minute.

Bloody hell, is he dancing?

Yes, please, police.

Not a good play, Lorna.

The police come, you have to show
them your son's drug empire.

Mum, I can't go to prison,
please tell the policeman,

I'm not going to prison,
Mum, I'll be good.

Fine, but get your dad out of there now,

and give those men your dope.

Mum, nobody calls it dope.

Just do it, Dylan.

Bad idea, Dylan.

Think about the money,
all that hard work.

You want to give it away for Ken?

Bloody hell.

Steve!

What happened?

Dad!

- What the f...?
- Ken!

What are you doing here?

Open your eyes, Rachel, he's in
on the old incest thing too.

Couldn't resist, could you, Ken, eh?

Picking apples from your own orchard?

Shut up, Steve. What is going on?

Right!

Give us the farm now, or
we do it the hard way.

Who the fuck are you?

No! Stop, stop, please, take
everything, take the whole farm,

- just don't hurt anyone, especially me.
- Everything?

Yeah, go for it, just take it
all. I'll give you the keys.

Don't shoot! Just don't shoot.

We can sort this out through dialogue.

Mum, I've sorted it, OK?

They are going to leave. Dylan set
up a drug farm in this house.

Did he, indeed?

I hope you've learned a
valuable lesson, young man.

Yes, I did, actually, it was

don't break into random
houses and start shagging.

Oh, wait! That was you, Dad.

It really does have to
be seen to be believed.

Lorna.

Hi.

Hi, Amanda.

You remember my husband, Ken?

Hello, Amanda.

Don't forget to show
them round the library,

that's a lovely space, isn't it?

It's beautiful.

It's full of books.

And I believe the schools
are excellent in the area.

- Really excellent.
- Yeah.

I went to that school.

I got really good marks.

So, would you like to see the library?

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