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1
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- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY)
- (METALLIC SCRAPING)
2
00:00:11,702 --> 00:00:12,902
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
3
00:00:13,024 --> 00:00:14,809
(HE SLURS) Just gonna be a second.
4
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,015
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
5
00:00:18,088 --> 00:00:21,320
Oh, come on. Sharon's gonna be back
in half an hour and I need a piss.
6
00:00:29,205 --> 00:00:30,405
(HE LAUGHS)
7
00:00:30,411 --> 00:00:33,711
Oh, shit... I can't get up.
(HE CHUCKLES)
8
00:00:33,717 --> 00:00:35,117
Have you wiped your arse?
9
00:00:35,954 --> 00:00:39,075
(HE SOBS)
10
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,946
My...
11
00:00:40,952 --> 00:00:43,250
(HE WAILS)
12
00:00:43,446 --> 00:00:44,757
(HE SNEEZES AND GAGS)
13
00:00:46,143 --> 00:00:47,676
My...
14
00:00:47,682 --> 00:00:48,882
(HE WAILS)
15
00:00:48,888 --> 00:00:50,574
Agh! (HE PANTS)
16
00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:51,864
Oh!
17
00:00:51,870 --> 00:00:53,173
Oh!
18
00:00:53,472 --> 00:00:56,490
- Oh! Oh!
- Why are you doing that noise?
19
00:00:56,496 --> 00:00:58,988
Oh, thank Jesus Christ!
20
00:00:59,496 --> 00:01:03,833
Oh, I dreamt I was drunk and
I couldn't get off the toilet.
21
00:01:04,317 --> 00:01:06,544
- (HE SIGHS)
- Are you sure it was a dream?
22
00:01:06,630 --> 00:01:08,453
- Sounds more like a memory.
- (HE SIGHS)
23
00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:11,427
Uh, what time is it?
24
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,588
It's 3:15. You should go back to sleep.
25
00:01:17,594 --> 00:01:20,008
Fergal gets in at some stupid hour.
26
00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:21,828
Jesus.
27
00:01:22,406 --> 00:01:23,713
What?
28
00:01:24,281 --> 00:01:26,712
I just don't know if I can
deal with him right now.
29
00:01:27,110 --> 00:01:29,548
And why are you having to
plan his birthday party?
30
00:01:29,726 --> 00:01:32,521
Plus, adults shouldn't
have birthday parties.
31
00:01:33,423 --> 00:01:35,712
You sound like a supervillain.
32
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,100
Good night.
33
00:01:40,804 --> 00:01:42,998
Can I play with your tits a little bit?
34
00:01:43,004 --> 00:01:45,008
Do you mind if I go back to sleep?
35
00:01:45,194 --> 00:01:47,390
- No.
- Then go nuts.
36
00:01:47,656 --> 00:01:52,656
Sync & corrections by PetaG
- www.addic7ed.com -
37
00:01:52,662 --> 00:01:55,245
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
- _
38
00:01:55,251 --> 00:01:57,833
- Huh.
- What do you think?
39
00:01:57,839 --> 00:01:59,908
Well, my concern with Maroon Thrive
40
00:01:59,914 --> 00:02:02,400
is that their set list
includes both Shaggy and Enya,
41
00:02:02,406 --> 00:02:04,791
which is impressive, but it's,
like, "Where's your passion?"
42
00:02:04,797 --> 00:02:07,806
It's grand for a bar mitzvah,
but for a milestone birthday...
43
00:02:08,189 --> 00:02:09,394
I say we keep looking.
44
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,861
I'm not asking what you
think of them, Fergal.
45
00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,368
I'm showing you who I booked.
46
00:02:12,374 --> 00:02:14,472
- They're not that bad, are they?
- No, they suck.
47
00:02:14,478 --> 00:02:15,970
I think they'd be
perfect for your party.
48
00:02:15,976 --> 00:02:18,845
Maybe you could get Mallandra to
play her castanets along with 'em,
49
00:02:18,851 --> 00:02:20,327
you know, jazz 'em up a little bit.
50
00:02:20,333 --> 00:02:21,543
Mallandra's not coming.
51
00:02:21,549 --> 00:02:23,618
- Yeah, why isn't she?
- She didn't want to.
52
00:02:23,624 --> 00:02:25,746
They threw a little ham
party for me in Spain anyway.
53
00:02:25,752 --> 00:02:27,415
By the way, no ham at this party.
54
00:02:27,421 --> 00:02:29,432
Oh, no, I thought we could
get pizzas delivered, at...
55
00:02:29,438 --> 00:02:32,532
- what do you think? Like 9:00 PM?
- Yeah, well, it depends what time we cut the cake, right?
56
00:02:32,538 --> 00:02:35,184
You know what? I would
cut it after musical chairs
57
00:02:35,190 --> 00:02:36,895
but before the pi?ata.
58
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:38,599
Yeah, just because you're
unhappy with your life
59
00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:40,403
doesn't mean I can't celebrate mine.
60
00:02:40,887 --> 00:02:43,100
What did Captain Piss
Parade do for his 40th?
61
00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,700
Oh, I can't remember what we...
62
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:47,096
Oh, yeah, weren't you
in Toronto for your 40th?
63
00:02:47,102 --> 00:02:50,703
No, I wasn't. I was supposed
to be, but I changed the trip
64
00:02:50,709 --> 00:02:52,196
to be here for my birthday.
65
00:02:52,202 --> 00:02:54,680
But it is funny how,
through the mists of time,
66
00:02:54,686 --> 00:02:58,004
you've latched onto the Toronto
myth to absolve yourself.
67
00:02:58,010 --> 00:02:59,495
It was probably so
last-minute, we didn't have time
68
00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:01,908
- to organise anything.
- I didn't need to go to the Ritz.
69
00:03:01,914 --> 00:03:03,682
I mean, we could've gone anywhere.
We could have gone to fuckin'
70
00:03:03,688 --> 00:03:05,495
- Five Guys.
- I love Five Guys.
71
00:03:05,501 --> 00:03:08,096
- Let's get Five Guys instead.
- Unbelievable!
72
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:10,840
Also we need to get some
balloons. Maybe black balloons?
73
00:03:10,846 --> 00:03:13,121
- Black balloons?
- I'm not turning seven.
74
00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:14,955
You know the sort of
thing. Masculine balloons.
75
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:17,348
(SHE SCOFFS)
Fine. Who else are we askin'?
76
00:03:17,354 --> 00:03:19,120
Oh, do you know Mum's coming
over for your birthday?
77
00:03:19,126 --> 00:03:21,514
- Yeah, sure she is!
- What do you mean?
78
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,210
She's coming to see her new man.
79
00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:24,811
(SHE LAUGHS)
80
00:03:24,991 --> 00:03:26,410
What the fuck?!
81
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,628
And, you know, it's
not even Fergal's fault.
82
00:03:28,634 --> 00:03:31,594
It's the fact that Sharon
not only tolerates him
83
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,813
but enjoys him that drives me insane.
84
00:03:33,819 --> 00:03:35,379
Yeah. You said that at the meeting.
85
00:03:35,385 --> 00:03:37,277
And, you know, I realise
this is the kind of time
86
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,402
when I would've drank, but I'm not
gonna give him that power, you know?
87
00:03:40,408 --> 00:03:43,969
That'd be like giving a weasel a
machine gun. Which I would never do.
88
00:03:43,975 --> 00:03:45,659
- (DAVE CHUCKLES)
- What's funny?
89
00:03:45,665 --> 00:03:47,840
Oh, no, it's just your
biggest problem right now
90
00:03:47,846 --> 00:03:49,651
is some asshole who lives in Spain.
91
00:03:49,657 --> 00:03:51,926
I wish I could worry
about stuff that small.
92
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,023
Yeah and what would you
like me to get upset about?
93
00:03:54,029 --> 00:03:55,335
Well, take your pick!
94
00:03:55,341 --> 00:03:58,326
I mean, there is some bad
shit coming down the line.
95
00:03:58,514 --> 00:04:02,639
I mean, we are not far away from
total societal collapse, my friend.
96
00:04:02,946 --> 00:04:07,240
Did you know London's water supply
could be compromised like that?
97
00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:10,940
Man, you need to get off
your basement computers.
98
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:12,275
This isn't paranoia!
99
00:04:12,281 --> 00:04:15,861
I mean, there are two points of
entry... Croydon and Hampstead.
100
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:17,371
You hit both of those at the same time,
101
00:04:17,377 --> 00:04:20,459
you can expect four million
casualties in under an hour.
102
00:04:20,465 --> 00:04:21,963
- Four million?
- Mm-hm.
103
00:04:21,969 --> 00:04:23,645
Aren't there, like, ten
million people in London?
104
00:04:23,651 --> 00:04:25,989
- I mean, that's not that bad.
- Anyway...
105
00:04:26,270 --> 00:04:28,366
picked up our New Zealand
passports this morning,
106
00:04:28,372 --> 00:04:31,566
- so we gotta game plan.
- What? How'd you get those?
107
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:32,856
Dark web.
108
00:04:33,331 --> 00:04:36,332
I mean, it started out, I
just wanted to see if I could.
109
00:04:36,338 --> 00:04:38,448
Uh, I mean, they're not
a hundred percent legal,
110
00:04:38,454 --> 00:04:39,760
like in court or whatever,
111
00:04:39,766 --> 00:04:41,963
but for fathers who care
about their families,
112
00:04:41,969 --> 00:04:44,330
New Zealand really
is the only way to go.
113
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:47,764
Want me to look into it for you?
114
00:04:47,770 --> 00:04:50,868
115
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:54,874
The flight was lovely, and Stephen
was waiting for me in arrivals
116
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,411
with a home-made panini.
117
00:04:56,417 --> 00:04:57,617
(STEPHEN LAUGHS)
118
00:04:57,623 --> 00:05:01,115
- I... I have a panini press.
- Oh.
119
00:05:01,404 --> 00:05:02,708
Who are you?
120
00:05:02,714 --> 00:05:04,904
I mean, h... um, how'd you meet?
121
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:09,200
Well, Stephen was on
a shoot in Mullingar.
122
00:05:09,206 --> 00:05:12,004
Stephen's a model,
if that's not obvious.
123
00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:14,411
- You're a model?
- Well, technically.
124
00:05:14,417 --> 00:05:16,994
It's all very new. I was
an accountant for 40 years.
125
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,241
Stephen was scouted in Gatwick Airport
126
00:05:20,247 --> 00:05:21,958
on his way back from Ayia Napa.
127
00:05:21,964 --> 00:05:23,167
(SHE LAUGHS)
128
00:05:23,173 --> 00:05:25,655
Wow! That's... I... I
didn't know that... that...
129
00:05:25,661 --> 00:05:29,459
people even... uh, I just thought
young models grew into old models.
130
00:05:29,465 --> 00:05:33,241
You know, after a while you stop
doin' swimsuit stuff and you start...
131
00:05:33,247 --> 00:05:34,919
advertising hot-water bottles.
132
00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:36,220
(HE CHUCKLES)
133
00:05:36,226 --> 00:05:38,832
No. I, uh... I do swimsuit work.
134
00:05:39,348 --> 00:05:40,827
Rob was nearly a model once.
135
00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:44,502
- Well, I wasn't, um... Some people say that I, um...
- He was.
136
00:05:44,508 --> 00:05:46,893
- Does anyone want a drink? No.
- Yeah.
137
00:05:46,899 --> 00:05:48,099
(DOOR BANGS)
138
00:05:48,105 --> 00:05:50,002
- Hello!
- Oh, it's Fergal.
139
00:05:50,697 --> 00:05:53,437
Hello, son! Mwah!
140
00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:57,727
This is Stephen. Stephen,
this is my son, Fergal.
141
00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:00,088
- Hi.
- Come here, you!
142
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:05,879
-
- (HE CHUCKLES)
143
00:06:05,885 --> 00:06:07,871
Did you see the way she
laughed at his jokes?
144
00:06:07,877 --> 00:06:11,746
It was obscene. Who uses
their tongue to laugh?
145
00:06:11,752 --> 00:06:14,570
What was that? Do you
think they're having sex?
146
00:06:14,576 --> 00:06:17,754
I dunno. Maybe. She still
has her original hips, right?
147
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:21,150
Oh, God! I don't know
how I feel about that.
148
00:06:21,650 --> 00:06:24,804
I mean, we barely have sex
anymore, and that's fine, but...
149
00:06:24,810 --> 00:06:27,382
not if my mum's gonna
be doing it more than me.
150
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:30,400
Maybe this is a wake-up call. Shall
we start making more of an effort?
151
00:06:30,406 --> 00:06:31,922
I don't know. (SIGHS)
152
00:06:31,928 --> 00:06:35,499
I mean, here... here's how I feel
about sex with you these days.
153
00:06:35,833 --> 00:06:38,060
On paper, it sounds amazing,
154
00:06:38,066 --> 00:06:40,662
but if you were to initiate
it, like, tonight...
155
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,037
I'd just be angry.
156
00:06:42,043 --> 00:06:44,680
- (SHE SIGHS)
- But I still have the fond feeling
157
00:06:44,686 --> 00:06:46,998
when I look at you. Maybe that's enough.
158
00:06:47,617 --> 00:06:49,386
Goddammit, it is enough!
159
00:06:49,392 --> 00:06:55,812
160
00:06:56,421 --> 00:06:58,226
(HE LAUGHS)
161
00:06:58,232 --> 00:07:01,268
Your mum's boyfriend's a feckin' ride.
162
00:07:01,659 --> 00:07:03,870
- Good for her!
- No, not good for her!
163
00:07:03,876 --> 00:07:06,354
My dad died six months
ago. That's nothing.
164
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,714
There's stuff in my fridge
that's more than six months old.
165
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,312
How's it going, Rob?
Do you want a drink?
166
00:07:10,318 --> 00:07:12,714
Ah, no, thanks. Um, I have alcoholism.
167
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,711
Even on your brother-in-law's birthday?
168
00:07:14,717 --> 00:07:16,216
Yeah, even then!
169
00:07:16,495 --> 00:07:18,595
That's why AA would never work for me.
170
00:07:18,601 --> 00:07:20,493
It's, like, "Be reasonable."
171
00:07:20,499 --> 00:07:23,094
I told Anna to get here
for 7:30. Is that OK?
172
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,884
I thought you and me could get
there early, blow up the balloons.
173
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,730
I can help with balloons.
174
00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:31,143
In college I taught myself how
to tie them off with my tongue.
175
00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:33,123
Also, I've no gag reflex.
176
00:07:33,129 --> 00:07:35,116
That's... unrelated.
177
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,437
You all right, Ciaran?
178
00:07:37,443 --> 00:07:39,712
Are we meeting the other
St Joseph lads in the pub?
179
00:07:39,718 --> 00:07:41,302
No, no. I think it's just me.
180
00:07:41,308 --> 00:07:43,509
Yeah, a lot of those lads
don't like Fergal, so...
181
00:07:43,515 --> 00:07:45,210
they didn't really know
why you invited them.
182
00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:46,678
Why don't they like him?
183
00:07:46,684 --> 00:07:48,701
Oh, some fuckin' timeshare
184
00:07:48,707 --> 00:07:50,577
bollocks at Montenegro
that he roped them into,
185
00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,802
that went tits-up the
second their cheques cleared.
186
00:07:54,388 --> 00:07:55,588
(HE SIGHS)
187
00:07:57,672 --> 00:08:01,360
You look lovely, Fergal!
188
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,679
Do you have eyeliner on?
189
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:05,977
(SCOFFS) No!
190
00:08:05,983 --> 00:08:07,495
191
00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:08,900
Just a bit of lip gloss.
192
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:15,087
193
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,604
- Come on.
- Honey, um, I have sad news.
194
00:08:20,608 --> 00:08:23,500
I have diarrhoea. And it's pretty bad,
195
00:08:23,506 --> 00:08:26,514
so I don't think I can
make the party. Sorry.
196
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,713
Bullshit. You've diarrhoea?
I know when you've diarrhoea.
197
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:32,622
The house smells like a poultry
farm and you're all covered in sweat.
198
00:08:32,628 --> 00:08:35,293
OK. I don't wanna
come to Fergal's party.
199
00:08:35,299 --> 00:08:37,825
- What? You have to come!
- I don't have to come.
200
00:08:37,831 --> 00:08:40,793
Look, just tell him I have
diarrhoea, and it hurts,
201
00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:43,391
- and he won't care anyway.
- Yeah. He might not care,
202
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:46,487
but I'd really like you to be
there. Come on. It'll be fun.
203
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:50,479
Honey, look, my idea of fun isn't
pushin' Fergal home in a wheelbarrow
204
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:53,065
- cos you're too drunk to do it.
- OK, the Pope.
205
00:08:53,071 --> 00:08:56,332
Well, you know what? The wheelbarrow
thing sounds like brilliant fun,
206
00:08:56,338 --> 00:08:58,527
actually, so maybe we've
got a bigger problem here.
207
00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,745
But it's good to know
that this is my future
208
00:09:00,751 --> 00:09:02,339
as the wife of a dry drunk.
209
00:09:02,345 --> 00:09:04,839
Used to be you'd just stand in
the corner scowling at parties.
210
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,045
Now you won't be there at all!
211
00:09:06,051 --> 00:09:07,975
Yeah, well, I hope you have some
hand cream in your bag
212
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,881
- in caseyou gotta jerk off any...
- (DOOR SLAMS)
213
00:09:09,887 --> 00:09:11,318
Uh, I...
214
00:09:11,404 --> 00:09:14,430
uh, you know, that's just
a funny joke that we have.
215
00:09:14,436 --> 00:09:18,930
Um, so, listen, uh, looks like
we won't need you tonight, Anna.
216
00:09:18,936 --> 00:09:22,508
- So, I'm sorry...
- What? Sorry if I cancelled plans,
217
00:09:22,514 --> 00:09:23,898
and I was gonna use the money to buy
218
00:09:23,904 --> 00:09:25,538
my nephew Rocky a birthday present?
219
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,907
So what I'll do is, I'll
just go read upstairs,
220
00:09:29,913 --> 00:09:32,393
and, um, it's great that you're here.
221
00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:34,629
222
00:09:35,307 --> 00:09:37,035
(BABBLE OF VOICES / LAUGHTER)
223
00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:39,512
(THEY PLAY AND SING
INTRO TO "CHELSEA DAGGER")
224
00:09:39,518 --> 00:09:40,909
Everybody!
225
00:09:48,841 --> 00:09:51,733
- Hey! You having fun?
- No.
226
00:09:52,247 --> 00:09:53,644
Maybe it wouldn't feel so pathetic
227
00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:56,245
if you hadn't booked an
actual barn for my party.
228
00:09:56,737 --> 00:09:58,255
Was the O2 Arena not available?
229
00:09:58,261 --> 00:10:01,534
- I'm sorry. I expected more people.
- Oh, right! So it's my fault?
230
00:10:02,753 --> 00:10:05,994
I mean, this is not an honest
representation of me as a people person.
231
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,698
- Do you wanna dance, Ciaran?
- Sure.
232
00:10:08,911 --> 00:10:11,803
Yeah, let me drink... three more beers.
233
00:10:11,809 --> 00:10:13,889
You're on! (SHE LAUGHS)
234
00:10:14,106 --> 00:10:17,563
This is considerably more depressing
than your father's funeral.
235
00:10:17,852 --> 00:10:19,071
Oh!
236
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:22,477
(BAND PLAYS AND SINGS
OUTRO TO "CHELSEA DAGGER")
237
00:10:22,483 --> 00:10:28,493
238
00:10:28,804 --> 00:10:31,314
- "An agonising wait for the sugar..."
- What?!
239
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,814
They don't have nearly
enough time to do spun sugar.
240
00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:36,254
What, do they think
they're Rumpelstiltskins?
241
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,532
(SWITCHES TV OFF)
Why don't you go to the party?
242
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:41,570
- I don't like my brother-in-law.
- Do you like Sharon?
243
00:10:41,576 --> 00:10:44,940
Yes, I like Sharon. Just not
enough to go to the party.
244
00:10:44,946 --> 00:10:46,854
- How does that work, then?
- What do you mean?
245
00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:49,068
Well, you don't like fun. Sharon does.
246
00:10:49,074 --> 00:10:51,127
(HE SCOFFS) "Don't like fun"!
247
00:10:51,736 --> 00:10:54,150
Ask Ricky Pratt if I like fun.
248
00:10:54,156 --> 00:10:56,871
We went to karate camp
together, (LAUGHING) and we...
249
00:10:56,877 --> 00:10:59,684
Yeah. We were animals! So it's...
250
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:01,573
(PHONE PINGS AND BUZZES)
251
00:11:02,354 --> 00:11:03,554
(HE SIGHS)
252
00:11:03,836 --> 00:11:07,143
- _
- (HE SIGHS)
253
00:11:09,491 --> 00:11:11,291
(HE SIGHS)
254
00:11:11,503 --> 00:11:13,695
I won't be late. (HE SIGHS)
255
00:11:15,583 --> 00:11:16,896
(TV SHOW RESUMES)
256
00:11:19,091 --> 00:11:22,201
(HE SIGHS) Oh, fucking Christ!
257
00:11:26,908 --> 00:11:29,057
(BAND PLAYS FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC)
258
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:32,725
(SONG: LOVE CATS BY THE CURE)
259
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,439
We move like cagey tigers
260
00:11:40,445 --> 00:11:42,882
We couldn't get closer than this
261
00:11:42,983 --> 00:11:47,017
The way we walk, the way
we talk, the way we stalk...
262
00:11:47,103 --> 00:11:50,792
- How are you? You OK?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I mean...
263
00:11:50,798 --> 00:11:54,781
I'm lonely in my own home, but
apart from that, everything's great.
264
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:59,087
- Chris looks happy.
- Everybody looks happy.
265
00:12:00,368 --> 00:12:01,682
You don't.
266
00:12:01,993 --> 00:12:04,469
Fran! Do you want another gin?
267
00:12:04,475 --> 00:12:06,859
Can I get you... Oh, no.
You look like you had enough.
268
00:12:06,865 --> 00:12:08,365
Uh, hello!
269
00:12:08,371 --> 00:12:12,229
So, Douglas, how did you get into
the whole plastic-surgery game?
270
00:12:12,235 --> 00:12:14,735
Did you go to med school
to become a real doctor,
271
00:12:14,741 --> 00:12:17,720
and then think, "You know what?
Any arsehole can save a life."
272
00:12:17,726 --> 00:12:20,808
"What I'd like to do is
give women weird, hard tits
273
00:12:20,814 --> 00:12:23,591
- that start at their collarbones."
- It's not all tits.
274
00:12:23,597 --> 00:12:26,319
Last year I reconstructed
an eight year old's face
275
00:12:26,325 --> 00:12:28,435
who'd been attacked
by her neighbour's dog.
276
00:12:29,608 --> 00:12:31,915
Oh, well, that... I mean,
that's different, that.
277
00:12:31,921 --> 00:12:34,776
But I also did an eye lift yesterday
278
00:12:34,782 --> 00:12:37,487
for a woman who had a
similar issue to yours.
279
00:12:37,493 --> 00:12:39,375
I'm not currently taking new patients,
280
00:12:39,381 --> 00:12:41,602
but I'd be happy to give you a referral.
281
00:12:43,079 --> 00:12:45,029
I don't have an issue!
282
00:12:46,528 --> 00:12:47,728
Do I?
283
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,732
- Where's Mark and Shane?
- Oh, they fucked off.
284
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:53,703
- Oh, why?
- I think they went bowling.
285
00:12:53,709 --> 00:12:55,927
Oh, for fuck's sake!
286
00:12:55,933 --> 00:12:57,564
Hey, let's get some of that new drug,
287
00:12:57,570 --> 00:12:59,040
you know, the one
that anaesthetists use.
288
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,650
The one that killed
those people in Glasgow?
289
00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:03,267
- Yeah, that one.
- OK. I'll call my cousin.
290
00:13:05,877 --> 00:13:07,284
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) What?
291
00:13:07,290 --> 00:13:09,292
Can you still get hard on those?
292
00:13:09,681 --> 00:13:11,566
- (HORNS BEEP)
-
293
00:13:11,572 --> 00:13:13,487
(BELL DINGS TWICE)
294
00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:21,388
Ma'am? Could you open the
doors? The stop's just... there.
295
00:13:21,394 --> 00:13:22,697
(HORNS BEEP)
296
00:13:22,703 --> 00:13:26,481
We're an inch from the stop. You
couldn't even use feet to measure it.
297
00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:29,043
(HORNS BEEP)
298
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:32,829
Sir! Leave the doors alone, please!
299
00:13:32,952 --> 00:13:34,259
Thank you.
300
00:13:34,265 --> 00:13:42,265
301
00:13:42,271 --> 00:13:45,395
302
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,300
(BAND PLAYS ROCK MUSIC)
303
00:13:48,306 --> 00:13:51,304
(SONG: IT WASN'T ME BY SHAGGY)
304
00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:59,255
Check out the artist
formerly known as Douglas.
305
00:13:59,261 --> 00:14:00,461
(SHE LAUGHS)
306
00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:03,664
- I didn't know you two were back together.
- Och, aye.
307
00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,891
I'm only seeing him because of...
308
00:14:07,664 --> 00:14:10,886
- Don't matter.
- No. What were you gonna say?
309
00:14:14,472 --> 00:14:16,493
I messed up everything, didn't I?
310
00:14:17,675 --> 00:14:21,169
I screwed everything up! Sorry.
311
00:14:21,359 --> 00:14:24,181
- I've had a couple of drinks, so...
- No, but, no, no, it's good,
312
00:14:24,187 --> 00:14:26,062
- because I wanted to...
- Can you ask him to come back?
313
00:14:26,068 --> 00:14:27,996
- What?
- Jeffrey.
314
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:31,963
Can you tell him I'm sorry
and ask him to come back?
315
00:14:31,969 --> 00:14:33,889
- Fran...
- You've got that...
316
00:14:33,895 --> 00:14:36,196
lovely girl, and I've got...
317
00:14:39,981 --> 00:14:41,278
nothing.
318
00:14:41,917 --> 00:14:43,206
(SHE INHALES DEEPLY)
319
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:46,192
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
320
00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:48,954
Goin' out with a male model.
321
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:52,324
Our mother. It's not even funny.
322
00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:54,012
It's better than going out with a DJ.
323
00:14:54,823 --> 00:14:58,310
- Como Te llamas? Should've known.
- Sofia.
324
00:14:58,316 --> 00:15:00,902
Sofia, _ (HE CONTINUES IN SPANISH)
325
00:15:03,811 --> 00:15:05,312
What if she's up for it?
326
00:15:05,318 --> 00:15:07,921
- What are you gonna do then, you clown?
- Dunno.
327
00:15:10,522 --> 00:15:12,622
Couldn't get any
Fentanyl, but I got these.
328
00:15:12,628 --> 00:15:13,828
What are they?
329
00:15:14,036 --> 00:15:15,344
They're blue.
330
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,417
- (SCOFFS) Sweet!
- Yeah?
331
00:15:17,423 --> 00:15:19,505
- Yeah? Would ya? Come on.
- Take us down.
332
00:15:19,511 --> 00:15:22,320
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Agh!
- Come on, ya bollocks! Ow!
333
00:15:22,326 --> 00:15:29,217
334
00:15:29,223 --> 00:15:30,423
(BEEPS)
335
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:34,832
336
00:15:34,838 --> 00:15:36,983
(HE GRUNTS)
337
00:15:36,989 --> 00:15:38,857
338
00:15:38,863 --> 00:15:41,468
- Mother of...! (GRUNTS)
- (BELL RINGS)
339
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:44,953
340
00:15:48,037 --> 00:15:49,237
(HE WHEEZES)
341
00:15:50,615 --> 00:15:53,928
I need excitement, oh, I need it bad
342
00:15:54,318 --> 00:15:57,523
And it's the best I've ever had
343
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,704
I wanna hold her,
wanna hold her tight
344
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:04,094
Get teenage kicks
right through the night
345
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,703
All right...
346
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:12,638
Hey!
347
00:16:14,447 --> 00:16:15,948
So, what's your angle?
348
00:16:16,439 --> 00:16:18,947
- How do you mean?
- You know she's still grievin',
349
00:16:19,343 --> 00:16:22,263
right? So anything she
tells you is just nonsense,
350
00:16:22,269 --> 00:16:24,956
like a fever dream. There's
no way she's over my dad.
351
00:16:24,962 --> 00:16:26,958
Well, it would be strange
if she were. I mean...
352
00:16:26,964 --> 00:16:28,849
she's told me how hard
his death hit you all.
353
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:31,081
Sounds like he was a wonderful man.
354
00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:33,079
Yeah, well, he was.
355
00:16:33,623 --> 00:16:37,098
Nice to see you two chatting.
How are you gettin' on?
356
00:16:37,104 --> 00:16:39,393
Yeah, great. He's great.
357
00:16:39,705 --> 00:16:42,623
I think, you know, if you two hit pause,
358
00:16:42,629 --> 00:16:44,619
and then picked it up
again in a couple of years
359
00:16:44,625 --> 00:16:46,994
when you've had proper time
to grieve for Dad, then...
360
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,894
- I might even feel good about it...
- Nah, fuck off!
361
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,192
- this... him.
- Here, can I have a Babycham?
362
00:16:50,198 --> 00:16:52,394
- Argh, you...!
- What the hell?!
363
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,600
- Argh!
- Argh!
364
00:16:53,606 --> 00:16:57,113
What are you doing?!
Fergal! What the fuck?!
365
00:16:57,119 --> 00:16:58,535
- (HE YELLS)
- (GIRL SCREAMS)
366
00:16:59,423 --> 00:17:02,583
(BAND CONTINUES TO PLAY "TEENAGE KICKS")
367
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:10,589
368
00:17:13,663 --> 00:17:16,637
I wanna hold her,
wanna hold her tight
369
00:17:16,643 --> 00:17:20,064
Get teenage kicks
right through the night
370
00:17:20,070 --> 00:17:21,283
-
Hey
- _
371
00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:25,577
372
00:17:26,759 --> 00:17:28,252
Hey, guys!
373
00:17:29,952 --> 00:17:31,924
We should maybe take a taxi.
374
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:35,735
- Why?
- So we can get home quick and fuck.
375
00:17:35,903 --> 00:17:37,320
I'm ovulating.
376
00:17:37,326 --> 00:17:41,236
(HE CHUCKLES) Oh, right! Let's, uh...
377
00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:47,211
What do you say we go
somewhere and... have a chat?
378
00:17:48,988 --> 00:17:51,286
Why am I even having to
deal with this anyway?
379
00:17:51,292 --> 00:17:54,193
Stop talking at me like that! You're
always moaning about everything...
380
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,079
I'm not, you idiot... Hey, you came!
381
00:17:56,085 --> 00:17:57,885
Hey! Did you bring any diarrhoea?
382
00:17:57,891 --> 00:17:59,875
What the hell happened?
Does he have a pulse?
383
00:17:59,881 --> 00:18:01,977
Relax, Nancy. He's
just taking a breather.
384
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:04,871
- Oh, back off, Fergal!
- What is your fucking problem?
385
00:18:04,877 --> 00:18:06,932
- You!
- Why, you think you're better than me?
386
00:18:06,938 --> 00:18:09,237
- Right now, yeah.
- Well, you're not.
387
00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:11,223
You're like a fuckin' fun-vacuum.
388
00:18:11,229 --> 00:18:13,301
You're like.. you're like
the Reverend Footloose.
389
00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:16,418
Everyone, stop... stop
dancing! Stop having fun!
390
00:18:16,424 --> 00:18:18,592
The Reverend fuckin' Rob Norris is here.
391
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,670
Jesus Christ. Your eyes are like a
hundred percent pupil. Are you high?
392
00:18:21,676 --> 00:18:25,074
- It's my birthday!
- Oh, Fergal! Nobody gives a shit.
393
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,283
Six people showed up to celebrate,
and one of them's your mom.
394
00:18:28,579 --> 00:18:30,079
- (WOMEN SCREAM)
- What the fuck?!
395
00:18:30,085 --> 00:18:32,602
- Jesus, what are you doin'?!
- (ALL SHOUT AND SCREAM)
396
00:18:32,883 --> 00:18:34,139
Just be careful!
397
00:18:34,145 --> 00:18:35,842
You fuck!
398
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,437
- Get off him!
- (SIREN APPROACHES)
399
00:18:37,443 --> 00:18:40,123
(PANDEMONIUM)
400
00:18:40,129 --> 00:18:42,841
Fergal, what the fuck?! Get off him!
401
00:18:43,093 --> 00:18:45,463
Um... who are we here for?
402
00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:51,398
(PHONE PINGS)
403
00:18:53,093 --> 00:18:55,951
- Oh, come on!
- _
404
00:18:58,150 --> 00:18:59,752
(HE SIGHS)
405
00:18:59,758 --> 00:19:01,565
(BIRDS TWITTERS)
406
00:19:01,571 --> 00:19:02,846
(SHE SIGHS)
407
00:19:02,852 --> 00:19:04,557
What the fuck is going on with you?
408
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:08,572
- Are you having a mid-life crisis?
- I'm not having a mid-life...
409
00:19:09,139 --> 00:19:10,339
(HE SIGHS)
410
00:19:11,241 --> 00:19:13,453
My wife fucking hates me.
411
00:19:13,459 --> 00:19:16,540
When I drive into work, I think
about pulling into oncoming traffic.
412
00:19:16,546 --> 00:19:20,155
Well, yeah, maybe it is a crisis.
Not mid-life, though. Come on!
413
00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:23,959
Jesus Christ! So, what are
you gonna do? Leave her,
414
00:19:23,965 --> 00:19:26,858
- because you cannot continue like this.
- (HE SIGHS DEEPLY)
415
00:19:26,864 --> 00:19:28,783
You are gonna get
yourself in serious trouble
416
00:19:28,789 --> 00:19:31,028
being this much of an arsehole, Fergal.
417
00:19:31,029 --> 00:19:33,927
You... you're gonna be in a
bar one night, mouthing off,
418
00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:38,023
and some Spanish Vinnie Jones
is gonna smash your face in.
419
00:19:38,718 --> 00:19:40,642
- I can't leave her.
- What?
420
00:19:40,648 --> 00:19:42,534
I fuckin' made a promise to Dad. Okay?
421
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:44,687
I told him I'd work
it out with Mallandra.
422
00:19:44,693 --> 00:19:46,408
Why would you promise him that?
423
00:19:46,414 --> 00:19:47,614
It made him smile.
424
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,990
Fergal, he'd had a stroke.
425
00:19:49,996 --> 00:19:52,784
He didn't have full control
of his facial muscles.
426
00:19:52,790 --> 00:19:54,514
Oh! (HUSHED) Bugger!
427
00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:58,122
- Oh, morning.
- Morning.
428
00:19:59,205 --> 00:20:01,563
- Where's Ciaran?
- Um...
429
00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:03,672
Oh, he slept in Frankie's
bunk bed last night, but...
430
00:20:03,678 --> 00:20:05,290
he's got a concussion,
though, so I think
431
00:20:05,296 --> 00:20:07,090
it's important that we let him sleep.
432
00:20:07,389 --> 00:20:10,070
What? No. That is the
opposite of what you do.
433
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,375
I'll go check on him.
434
00:20:13,551 --> 00:20:14,751
(SHE SIGHS)
435
00:20:14,757 --> 00:20:16,463
Does anybody have a mint?
436
00:20:18,672 --> 00:20:20,052
It doesn't matter.
437
00:20:25,143 --> 00:20:28,543
I owe you probably 15 apologies.
438
00:20:28,939 --> 00:20:32,663
Look, it's OK. I had a bit
of a revelation earlier.
439
00:20:32,669 --> 00:20:35,349
I used the toilet after you
were in there this morning,
440
00:20:35,355 --> 00:20:38,437
and the seat was warm,
and I got really angry.
441
00:20:38,443 --> 00:20:41,631
But then I thought, "Why
do I care how it got warm?"
442
00:20:41,637 --> 00:20:45,273
It's warm and it's cosy.
What I'm trying to say is,
443
00:20:45,279 --> 00:20:49,217
you're my wife's brother, and...
I'm glad that you're leaving,
444
00:20:49,307 --> 00:20:52,612
but I know that you'll be back
at some point, and that's fine.
445
00:20:56,503 --> 00:20:58,596
Just out of curiosity, have
you ever hated anything
446
00:20:58,602 --> 00:20:59,946
as much as you hate me?
447
00:20:59,952 --> 00:21:01,975
'Cause, it seems a little excessive.
448
00:21:03,452 --> 00:21:06,491
- Shar...
- Sorry. Can just... Sorry. Can I go?
449
00:21:06,655 --> 00:21:09,977
Mum... I'm sorry about how I behaved.
450
00:21:10,257 --> 00:21:11,983
You've just lost your husband.
451
00:21:11,989 --> 00:21:13,994
You know, you should be able
to do whatever you wanna do
452
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,082
when your husband dies, including
fuck up. Which you're not.
453
00:21:17,088 --> 00:21:19,988
So, I guess I'm trying to say
don't break up with Stephen
454
00:21:19,994 --> 00:21:21,487
on my account.
455
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,497
- What were you gonna say?
- I was just going to say,
456
00:21:25,503 --> 00:21:28,228
I left five Euros for
Frankie under his pillow.
457
00:21:29,103 --> 00:21:30,416
Oh!
458
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,555
Be careful, OK?
459
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:37,857
That fit...
460
00:21:38,248 --> 00:21:40,444
at that age, just seems a bit...
461
00:21:40,450 --> 00:21:41,873
I'm just saying he could be gay...
462
00:21:41,879 --> 00:21:44,077
you know? I mean, he's
such a good dancer.
463
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,925
I don't want you to get hurt.
464
00:21:46,383 --> 00:21:49,315
Well, if he is gay,
he's under deep cover.
465
00:21:49,729 --> 00:21:56,744
466
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,479
How long do you think you'd
wait to get together with someone
467
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:00,685
after I die?
468
00:22:00,691 --> 00:22:03,196
Like, if I had to go
out and look for 'em,
469
00:22:03,393 --> 00:22:05,700
it'd be, you know, a couple of years.
470
00:22:05,706 --> 00:22:10,336
But if somebody came up to me and
was, like, "I'm fucking you now,"
471
00:22:10,342 --> 00:22:13,475
then, I would wait, like,
you know... a day or two.
472
00:22:13,654 --> 00:22:15,132
(SHE CHUCKLES)
473
00:22:15,138 --> 00:22:16,444
Yeah. If I die,
474
00:22:16,450 --> 00:22:18,850
I would be fine with you
being with someone else,
475
00:22:18,856 --> 00:22:21,273
you know? I'm dead. I don't care.
476
00:22:21,994 --> 00:22:23,791
But if the slut you get together with
477
00:22:23,877 --> 00:22:26,700
even suggests my kids call her "mum"...
478
00:22:26,706 --> 00:22:28,995
I'll haunt her, and if
Muireann has her period,
479
00:22:29,001 --> 00:22:30,694
you come to my grave and you tell me,
480
00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:33,839
not your mail-order bride.
That's non-negotiable.
481
00:22:34,632 --> 00:22:35,832
(SHE CHUCKLES)
482
00:22:36,336 --> 00:22:39,023
Hey, I'm sorry I never threw
you a party for your 40th.
483
00:22:39,029 --> 00:22:42,533
- I didn't want a party for my 40th.
- Well, a picnic, then, or...
484
00:22:42,539 --> 00:22:44,326
we could've gone to the beach.
485
00:22:44,332 --> 00:22:46,817
Just makes me wanna
cry, thinking about it.
486
00:22:47,838 --> 00:22:49,548
And I'm sorry about Fergal.
487
00:22:49,554 --> 00:22:53,643
I know sometimes it seems like I
put my family first, but I love you,
488
00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:56,343
and that's why I
married you, and not him.
489
00:22:56,349 --> 00:23:00,359
- (HE CHUCKLES) And also because I'm fun.
- Huh?
490
00:23:00,365 --> 00:23:02,056
Well, you still think
I'm fun, don't you?
491
00:23:02,062 --> 00:23:03,749
I mean, know I said fun for me
492
00:23:03,755 --> 00:23:06,822
isn't rolling you and Fergal
around in a wheelbarrow, but...
493
00:23:06,828 --> 00:23:09,009
- you know, I'd give it a shot.
- (SHE LAUGHS)
494
00:23:09,015 --> 00:23:11,695
You are plenty of great things.
495
00:23:11,701 --> 00:23:13,283
- I don't need you to be fun.
- (MUSIC: CATASTROPHE THEME PLAYS)
496
00:23:13,289 --> 00:23:16,925
Well, tough luck, because I am.
497
00:23:16,931 --> 00:23:18,198
(SHE LAUGHS)
498
00:23:18,204 --> 00:23:20,086
Get off! Stop!
499
00:23:20,092 --> 00:23:21,398
(GLASS SPILLS AND BREAKS)
500
00:23:21,404 --> 00:23:25,094
- Ow! Jesus!
- Oh! I'm sorry!
501
00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:27,943
Sync & corrections by PetaG
- www.addic7ed.com -
502
00:23:27,993 --> 00:23:32,543
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38875
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