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♪ Happy 30-birdy ♪
2
00:00:09,206 --> 00:00:11,000
♪ Happy 30 -- ♪
3
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,724
Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.
4
00:00:13,724 --> 00:00:16,241
Okay, so, today,
we are walking from --
5
00:00:16,241 --> 00:00:18,758
Sorry, one second.
Nose grease.
6
00:00:18,758 --> 00:00:21,034
This is gonna be
the litty-est story ever.
7
00:00:21,034 --> 00:00:23,206
Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.
8
00:00:23,206 --> 00:00:25,758
Okay, so, today,
we are walking from
9
00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:27,482
the tippity-top of Manhattan
10
00:00:27,482 --> 00:00:29,551
to the tippity-bottom
of Manhattan.
11
00:00:31,517 --> 00:00:36,206
♪♪
12
00:00:36,206 --> 00:00:38,172
It's function, baby.
It's fashion, baby.
13
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,275
It's fluid, baby.
14
00:00:40,275 --> 00:00:42,655
I got to fill it up. There's
nothing in there right now.
15
00:00:42,655 --> 00:00:45,413
Abbi: Oh, yeah, dude. I am
so happy that you got these.
16
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,896
Ilana: Phillip Lim
on a Shopbop discount.
17
00:00:47,896 --> 00:00:50,482
$149 at 80% off, okay?
18
00:00:50,482 --> 00:00:52,344
And we're talking only half
a size smaller
19
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:55,862
than the size I actually wear,
so work it, dawg!
20
00:00:55,862 --> 00:00:57,482
Hold on!
Is that the key to my heart?
21
00:00:57,482 --> 00:00:59,000
Yeah, this is the key
to your heart.
22
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,241
-What's the other one?
-The key to your ass!
23
00:01:01,241 --> 00:01:02,965
[ Laughs ]
24
00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:09,206
-How do you feel, Abbi?
-I feel good.
25
00:01:09,206 --> 00:01:10,586
Bitch, how do you feel?!
26
00:01:10,586 --> 00:01:11,965
-I feel great!
-Yes!
27
00:01:11,965 --> 00:01:14,000
Happy 30th birthday, dawg!
28
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,137
Whoa, Ilana, are you sure
those shoes are okay?
29
00:01:17,137 --> 00:01:19,586
Yes. [ Laughs ]
Dude, I feel more comfortable
30
00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:21,275
in platforms than not.
31
00:01:26,241 --> 00:01:35,000
♪♪
32
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,827
[ Bell chimes ]Woman: We're being held up here
33
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:39,068
due to someone jumping
on the tracks to get a photo.
34
00:01:39,068 --> 00:01:40,931
We'll be moving shortly.
35
00:01:40,931 --> 00:01:43,482
Oh, my good God.
36
00:01:43,482 --> 00:01:45,137
I can show you your present
right now.
37
00:01:45,137 --> 00:01:47,103
-Ilana, I said no gifts.
-Okay, but it happens
38
00:01:47,103 --> 00:01:49,620
to already be in your phone,
so check your texts.
39
00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:51,724
What is it?
40
00:01:51,724 --> 00:01:54,275
Oh, my God!
41
00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:55,620
Ilana.
42
00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:57,172
What?
43
00:01:57,172 --> 00:01:59,241
[ Five for Fighting's
"100 Years" playing ]
44
00:01:59,241 --> 00:02:06,275
♪♪
45
00:02:06,275 --> 00:02:13,206
♪♪
46
00:02:13,206 --> 00:02:17,034
♪ I'm 15 for a moment ♪
47
00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:18,689
Oh, my gosh!
48
00:02:18,689 --> 00:02:20,517
How long has this
been going on?
49
00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,068
♪ 22 for a moment ♪
50
00:02:23,068 --> 00:02:26,034
♪ And she feels
better than ever ♪
51
00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:29,551
♪ And we're on fire ♪
52
00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:35,275
♪ Making our way
back from Mars ♪
53
00:02:35,275 --> 00:02:39,344
♪ 15 there's still time
for you ♪
54
00:02:39,344 --> 00:02:43,344
♪ Time to buy and time to lose ♪
55
00:02:43,344 --> 00:02:49,310
♪ 15, there's never a wish
better than this ♪
56
00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,862
[ Laughs ]
57
00:02:51,862 --> 00:02:55,655
Ilana, this is like...♪ 15 there's still
time for you ♪
58
00:02:55,655 --> 00:02:59,034
♪ Time to buy
and time to choose ♪
59
00:02:59,034 --> 00:03:01,689
♪ Hey 15 ♪
60
00:03:01,689 --> 00:03:06,758
♪ There's never a wish
better than this ♪
61
00:03:06,758 --> 00:03:12,689
♪ When you only got
a hundred years to live ♪
62
00:03:12,689 --> 00:03:20,379
♪♪
63
00:03:20,379 --> 00:03:22,689
♪ 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 ♪
64
00:03:22,689 --> 00:03:27,068
♪♪
65
00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:29,103
Ilana:
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
66
00:03:29,103 --> 00:03:32,448
♪ Looks like we made it ♪
67
00:03:32,448 --> 00:03:36,206
To Inwood!
New York City, baby!
68
00:03:36,206 --> 00:03:39,517
Holy shit! There she is,
the birthday girl herself!
69
00:03:39,517 --> 00:03:41,103
[ Siren chirping ]
70
00:03:41,103 --> 00:03:42,724
The pigs!
[ Chuckles ]
71
00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:44,931
Okay, no, for real, pigs.
72
00:03:44,931 --> 00:03:47,034
Dude, stop it.
73
00:03:47,034 --> 00:03:48,275
Stop.
74
00:03:48,275 --> 00:03:50,103
Ilana:
You're beautiful!
75
00:03:50,103 --> 00:03:53,344
♪♪
76
00:03:53,344 --> 00:03:56,206
♪ Shake down, now shit's getting
shook up, used -- ♪
77
00:03:57,827 --> 00:03:59,241
She's speechless.
78
00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:02,103
Morris Jumel Mansion, baby.
Beside herself.
79
00:04:02,103 --> 00:04:04,862
This has been here
the whole time, sitting here!
80
00:04:08,793 --> 00:04:10,275
Yeah.[ Sizzle ]
81
00:04:10,275 --> 00:04:13,068
Ow.
[ Chuckles ]
82
00:04:13,068 --> 00:04:14,310
Ilana: Come on!
83
00:04:14,310 --> 00:04:16,103
What?
84
00:04:16,103 --> 00:04:18,413
Oh, thank you. Uh, it's just
this Onionarticle.
85
00:04:18,413 --> 00:04:19,965
It's just cracking me up, man.
86
00:04:19,965 --> 00:04:21,689
That's the Times.
87
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:27,655
♪♪
88
00:04:27,655 --> 00:04:31,655
Wow. She's been practicing
all season for this moment.
89
00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:34,103
♪♪
90
00:04:34,103 --> 00:04:36,137
Wow, since her recovery,
I'm -- I'm shocked
91
00:04:36,137 --> 00:04:37,586
at the eleganza she's bringing.
92
00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:39,034
No parents.
Her parents divorced her,
93
00:04:39,034 --> 00:04:41,275
gave her over to coaches.
She and her coach
94
00:04:41,275 --> 00:04:43,413
have had a sexual relationship
for many years.
95
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:46,413
Let's see if she can nail
the triple axel!
96
00:04:46,413 --> 00:04:47,931
Oh!
And she nailed it!
97
00:04:55,448 --> 00:04:57,620
Hair braiding!
98
00:04:57,620 --> 00:05:00,103
Hair braiding!
99
00:05:00,103 --> 00:05:02,206
You want your hair braided?
100
00:05:02,206 --> 00:05:03,724
You want
your hair braided?
101
00:05:03,724 --> 00:05:04,896
No.
Ilana, no.
102
00:05:04,896 --> 00:05:06,172
Come on! She's black.
103
00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:07,758
-She's saying it.
-Hair braiding!
104
00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:09,172
I just don't think
that you should --
105
00:05:09,172 --> 00:05:10,896
One braid.
106
00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:19,000
Thank you so much.
107
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,172
Abbi:
Beautiful. It's very long.
108
00:05:22,172 --> 00:05:23,379
You know what it is?
109
00:05:23,379 --> 00:05:25,724
A touch
of cultural appropriation
110
00:05:25,724 --> 00:05:27,241
sheds light on the matter.
111
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:30,068
Whoo!
112
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,310
Yeah!
113
00:05:32,310 --> 00:05:35,206
♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪
114
00:05:35,206 --> 00:05:37,689
♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪
115
00:05:37,689 --> 00:05:40,068
♪ Dirty 30, yow! ♪
116
00:05:40,068 --> 00:05:42,517
30, huh?
Do you feel different?
117
00:05:42,517 --> 00:05:44,827
You look younger,
actually.
118
00:05:44,827 --> 00:05:46,172
Dude, I feel fine.
119
00:05:46,172 --> 00:05:48,034
-I don't know. Whatever.
-No, no, no, no.
120
00:05:48,034 --> 00:05:49,724
You are a-mahz-ing,
121
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,827
fully a-mahz-ing
and "sahno" phenomenal.
122
00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:54,000
Come on.
You have two really nice parents
123
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,379
and a great apartment.
124
00:05:55,379 --> 00:05:58,482
Yeah, no, I --
[ Sighs ] I don't know.
125
00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:03,137
I guess I thought I'd be, like,
married with kids by now.
126
00:06:03,137 --> 00:06:05,655
I guess it's good I have the job
at Anthropologie.
127
00:06:05,655 --> 00:06:08,448
Yes! 'Cause, you know what?
If you had kids,
128
00:06:08,448 --> 00:06:10,068
they'd leave you
after 18 years,
129
00:06:10,068 --> 00:06:13,862
but Anthropologie,
you might work there forever.
130
00:06:13,862 --> 00:06:15,413
I mean, I hope not.
131
00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:17,275
Me, too. You're not gonna
work there forever,
132
00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:18,758
but you could
if you wanted to
133
00:06:18,758 --> 00:06:20,724
'cause you're so good
at your work,
134
00:06:20,724 --> 00:06:22,379
but you're surely gonna
become a famous artist,
135
00:06:22,379 --> 00:06:23,724
so it's not even an issue.
136
00:06:23,724 --> 00:06:25,379
-Okay, let's just keep going.
-Yeah.
137
00:06:26,896 --> 00:06:33,551
♪♪
138
00:06:33,551 --> 00:06:35,172
Damn!
139
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:37,275
-Dude, stop filming.
-I'm sorry, I have to report
140
00:06:37,275 --> 00:06:39,310
that Abbi just
got clotheslined
141
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,379
by a metal pole
in the middle of the street.
142
00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:42,482
[ Crash ]Whoa!
143
00:06:42,482 --> 00:06:43,965
-Aah!
-Ilana! Oh, my God!
144
00:06:43,965 --> 00:06:46,103
-Ilana!
-Ow, damn it!
145
00:06:46,103 --> 00:06:47,413
Are you okay?
146
00:06:47,413 --> 00:06:50,896
Yeah, I just fully
fell down a manhole.
147
00:06:50,896 --> 00:06:53,724
Wait, are you
still filming?
148
00:06:53,724 --> 00:06:55,655
[ Samuel's
"Boom Boom Boom" playing ]
149
00:06:55,655 --> 00:07:00,344
♪ A girl on girl crumble ♪
150
00:07:00,551 --> 00:07:02,965
[Bleep] dude!
I'm, like, actually hurt!
151
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,275
I don't think I can
climb up the ladder
152
00:07:04,275 --> 00:07:06,275
and film
at the same time.
153
00:07:06,275 --> 00:07:08,862
I know what to do!
Okay!
154
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:12,689
Ohh. Oh, God.
Okay.
155
00:07:12,689 --> 00:07:14,620
[ Grunting ]
156
00:07:16,896 --> 00:07:23,551
♪♪
157
00:07:23,551 --> 00:07:25,448
Abbi: Dude, we got
to go to a doctor.
158
00:07:25,448 --> 00:07:26,724
Ilana: I'm fine!
159
00:07:26,724 --> 00:07:28,896
Plus we gotta walk
the rest of Manhattan!
160
00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:32,931
♪♪
161
00:07:35,586 --> 00:07:37,896
Okay, aisle 4.
162
00:07:37,896 --> 00:07:38,931
Hell yeah.
163
00:07:38,931 --> 00:07:40,172
Ilana. Shoot.
164
00:07:40,172 --> 00:07:41,551
-Ilana!
-Whoo-hoo!
165
00:07:41,551 --> 00:07:42,931
Oh, my God.
166
00:07:42,931 --> 00:07:45,758
I miss school only
for the supplies.
167
00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:47,931
Oof!
Lisa Frank, bitch!
168
00:07:47,931 --> 00:07:50,241
Mogul, bitch!
Empire, bitch!
169
00:07:50,241 --> 00:07:51,965
School supplies.
170
00:07:57,862 --> 00:07:59,413
These are good ones.
171
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:02,310
These are good markers.
172
00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:09,965
♪♪
173
00:08:09,965 --> 00:08:11,000
Abbi: Killin' it.
174
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,413
[ Clatter ]
175
00:08:12,413 --> 00:08:14,344
[ Boi-oi-oi-ng!]
176
00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:18,896
♪ Happy birthday,
dear Claire ♪
177
00:08:18,896 --> 00:08:19,965
Brrring!
178
00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:28,103
[ Dice rattling ]
179
00:08:28,103 --> 00:08:29,344
[ Bells chiming ]
180
00:08:32,482 --> 00:08:34,517
Miss, um, how may I
help you today?
181
00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:35,689
Ilana:
I don't know, what do you go?
182
00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,517
Well, for
your lovely feet,
183
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,068
I'm thinking we should
definitely get you
184
00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:41,827
in something
a little more comfy.
185
00:08:41,827 --> 00:08:44,172
I think you need something
definitely with arch support.
186
00:08:44,172 --> 00:08:45,517
Cushioning.
187
00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:47,172
Breathable.
You got it.
188
00:08:47,172 --> 00:08:48,689
Hi.
Thank you so much.
189
00:08:48,689 --> 00:08:52,068
♪ When you give me
those ocean eyes ♪
190
00:08:52,068 --> 00:08:53,896
♪♪
191
00:08:53,896 --> 00:08:56,206
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
192
00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:58,241
I can't, like, lea-- You know
how they're always like, "Lean,"
193
00:08:58,241 --> 00:09:01,586
and then they lean? Aah.
Yeah, I can't do it.
194
00:09:01,586 --> 00:09:03,241
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
195
00:09:03,241 --> 00:09:06,758
♪♪
196
00:09:06,758 --> 00:09:09,413
I'm like, "How many layers
of irony can we go?"
197
00:09:09,413 --> 00:09:12,172
Skechers is selling
ugly Skechers.
198
00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:15,068
Please.
199
00:09:15,068 --> 00:09:16,758
Abbi: All right, dude.
What are we even doing?
200
00:09:16,758 --> 00:09:19,413
Are these comfortable
or what?
201
00:09:19,413 --> 00:09:20,655
Yeah, no, they're good.
202
00:09:20,655 --> 00:09:22,034
They're good!
203
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:24,965
Oh --
204
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:33,724
♪♪
205
00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:35,896
Ilana:
Wowee, wowee, what a steal!
206
00:09:35,896 --> 00:09:37,068
I'm buying these for you.
207
00:09:37,068 --> 00:09:38,206
[ Gasps ] What?
208
00:09:38,206 --> 00:09:39,896
-No!
-Happy my birthday!
209
00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:41,241
I couldn't le--
210
00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:42,655
♪♪
211
00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:43,689
[ Ting! ]
212
00:09:43,689 --> 00:09:45,482
I'll take these, please.
213
00:09:45,482 --> 00:09:48,241
If you open up
a Fresh Kicks credit card,
214
00:09:48,241 --> 00:09:50,206
these will be $9.99.
215
00:09:50,206 --> 00:09:52,034
Please do not film me.
216
00:09:52,034 --> 00:09:54,137
But adults do have
more than one credit card.
217
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:55,862
I should get
the extra credit card.
218
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,482
I should get it.
It's not nuts
219
00:09:57,482 --> 00:10:00,655
for me to get
another credit card.
220
00:10:00,655 --> 00:10:02,068
Okay.
221
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:03,517
And I'll just do it.
I'll just, like --
222
00:10:03,517 --> 00:10:06,068
You'll pay it.
Don't need to tell Dad --
223
00:10:06,068 --> 00:10:07,517
tell Dad about it.
224
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,551
Abbi: And then I'll get
the funds from my bank account
225
00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:15,862
that'll be sent
to you, somehow.
226
00:10:15,862 --> 00:10:17,137
Yeah.
227
00:10:17,137 --> 00:10:19,206
I have two credit cards.
[ Chuckles ]
228
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:31,586
[ Slowly ]
Abbi Gary Anna Abrams.
229
00:10:31,586 --> 00:10:35,413
One of you [bleep] stole Abbi's
credit card information,
230
00:10:35,413 --> 00:10:37,724
and I think I know the loser
from high school that it is,
231
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:42,482
and his name rhymes
SchNicholas SchPaley, okay?
232
00:10:42,482 --> 00:10:44,758
Same thing did happen to Obama,
though, so it's kind of hot.
233
00:10:44,758 --> 00:10:47,482
[ Girl singing indistinctly ]Ilana. Ilana!
234
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,068
This how no one can go
to a Disney Store.
235
00:10:59,068 --> 00:11:00,758
Is she close by?
236
00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:02,413
No.
237
00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,965
I don't know.
238
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,862
Um --Okay, if any of my 213 followers
239
00:11:07,862 --> 00:11:09,793
is in the Midtown Mall,
240
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,620
we just found
a dope little girl,
241
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:12,931
and her parents
aren't here.
242
00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:14,655
But she's fine.
She's with us, but --
243
00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:16,655
-What's your name?
-Ga da na!
244
00:11:16,655 --> 00:11:18,448
-[ Gasps ] Gadanna!
-Gadanna!
245
00:11:18,448 --> 00:11:20,379
That is gorgeous!
246
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,482
Madonna, Rihanna,
Ilana, Gadanna!
247
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,310
Whoa.
Dude, that's good.
248
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:28,413
♪♪
249
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,275
♪ Okay ♪In the corner.
250
00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:33,413
Mommy, can I go explore
over there?
251
00:11:39,724 --> 00:11:41,137
Hold on one sec,
all right?
252
00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,137
♪♪
253
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:45,827
So, we're going
to Security,
254
00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:47,620
but we're riding
the escalator,
255
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:51,379
which is more fun, and it gives
us more time with Gadanna!
256
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:53,931
-Totally, dude.
-No, I mean, it's insane.
257
00:11:53,931 --> 00:11:55,724
Like --
258
00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,241
What, she's 2?
259
00:11:57,241 --> 00:11:58,551
I'm 30.
260
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,310
I mean, I could literally
be her mom.
261
00:12:02,310 --> 00:12:04,034
I mean, if I was just
walking around this --
262
00:12:04,034 --> 00:12:05,965
you know, the mall --
by myself,
263
00:12:05,965 --> 00:12:07,724
and people saw me
shopping with her,
264
00:12:07,724 --> 00:12:09,517
they'd be like,
"That's a mom and her kid."
265
00:12:09,517 --> 00:12:10,620
You're crazy!
266
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:11,896
Me?!
267
00:12:11,896 --> 00:12:13,689
-I'm crazy now?
-You're crazy!
268
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,275
-No!
-She nut.
269
00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:18,275
Mommy! Mommy. Mom--
270
00:12:19,586 --> 00:12:22,689
[ Laughing ]
271
00:12:22,689 --> 00:12:25,827
Oh, Gadanna, you have
taught us so much.
272
00:12:25,827 --> 00:12:27,689
Yeah, we're really
gonna miss you.
273
00:12:27,689 --> 00:12:29,379
Okay, maybe we could just do,
like, a double-cheek kiss.
274
00:12:29,379 --> 00:12:31,551
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Double-cheek kiss. Ready?
275
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,586
-Mwah!
-Mwah!
276
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,068
Cheese: Excuse me!
277
00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:36,965
What the [bleep] are you doing
with my child?
278
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,275
-Mommy?
-Abbi?
279
00:12:39,275 --> 00:12:40,517
College Abbi.
280
00:12:40,517 --> 00:12:47,551
♪♪
281
00:12:47,551 --> 00:12:48,689
Did you take Bella?
282
00:12:48,689 --> 00:12:50,137
No, we didn't take her.
283
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:51,896
She was clearly stranded.
284
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,896
You should keep better
track of your kids.
285
00:12:53,896 --> 00:12:56,655
Oh, grow up, Abbi.
We're 30.
286
00:12:56,655 --> 00:12:58,793
Why the [bleep]
are you filming her?
287
00:12:58,793 --> 00:13:04,172
[ Slow-motion ] Why the [bleep]
are you filming her?
288
00:13:04,172 --> 00:13:07,000
Ilana: [Bleep] bitch!
289
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,931
[Bleep] bitch.
290
00:13:10,655 --> 00:13:15,068
♪♪
291
00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:16,655
-Go!
-No!
292
00:13:16,655 --> 00:13:18,862
Go, go, go!
293
00:13:18,862 --> 00:13:20,689
No, dude!
You out?
294
00:13:20,689 --> 00:13:21,724
-Yes!
-You can't!
295
00:13:21,724 --> 00:13:23,344
Oh!
You can't leave!
296
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,000
[ Cackles ]
297
00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:29,275
So, we just downloaded
that story for evidence,
298
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,517
but now, um,
the rest of Manhattan!
299
00:13:31,517 --> 00:13:33,724
Whoop, whoo-oop!No, I mean,
what a [bleep] bitch.
300
00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:36,206
Like, what a mess. Like, we are
so not pedophiles, dude.
301
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,689
-No!
-I mean, and her name is Cheese?
302
00:13:38,689 --> 00:13:40,103
-Come on.
-But it's not really Cheese.
303
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:41,655
No, whatever her name is!
304
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,275
Listen, all this girl
wanted to do in college
305
00:13:43,275 --> 00:13:45,724
was, like, ecstasy
and take group showers --
306
00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:48,068
ones that I never even wanted
to be a part of, by the way.
307
00:13:48,068 --> 00:13:50,068
Even if she would have asked me,
I would have never done it.
308
00:13:50,068 --> 00:13:51,551
Ilana: Yeah.And now she has a bunch
of [bleep] kids,
309
00:13:51,551 --> 00:13:52,827
and she thinks she's [bleep]
better than me?
310
00:13:52,827 --> 00:13:54,275
No!She thinks she's better than me?
311
00:13:54,275 --> 00:13:55,551
-No!
-Bullshit!
312
00:13:55,551 --> 00:13:59,000
[ Hard rock music playing ]
313
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:04,172
We're coming to ya, men!
314
00:14:04,172 --> 00:14:06,310
Whoo! Ma men!
315
00:14:06,310 --> 00:14:08,655
Oww!
316
00:14:08,655 --> 00:14:09,965
-Whoo!
-Hey.
317
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:12,275
-Happy birthday.
-Thank you so much.
318
00:14:12,275 --> 00:14:14,206
-Thank you.
-Hey, happy birthday.
319
00:14:14,206 --> 00:14:15,724
-Hey.
-Hi.
320
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,655
-Ilana, what happened?
-Oh, God. Okay, so --
321
00:14:18,655 --> 00:14:25,068
♪ Amazing grace ♪
322
00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:31,724
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
323
00:14:31,724 --> 00:14:37,517
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
324
00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:40,000
[ Piano music playing
on speakers ]
325
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,344
-What is this?
-Hey!
326
00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:45,586
[ Laughter ]
327
00:14:45,586 --> 00:14:47,379
Ah, what's up, Bubbie?
328
00:14:47,379 --> 00:14:49,068
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
329
00:14:51,551 --> 00:14:53,517
Okay, let's do this quick
before she gets back.
330
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,931
♪♪
331
00:14:56,931 --> 00:14:58,689
Happy birthday, Abbies!
I hope you have
332
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,034
the most amazing one.
I love you so much.
333
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,517
I hope the 30s are everything
you expect them to be.
334
00:15:03,517 --> 00:15:07,482
And I'm really happy
it's happening to you before me.
335
00:15:07,482 --> 00:15:09,517
You are olderthan me.
That's why I say this.
336
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:11,827
God, dude,
I remember my 30s.
337
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:13,689
All I had was a beeper --
a frickin' beeper.
338
00:15:13,689 --> 00:15:15,413
Nobody had
freakin' cellphones,
339
00:15:15,413 --> 00:15:17,482
every two minutes
checking your phone.
340
00:15:17,482 --> 00:15:18,655
I'm so happy I didn't grow up --
341
00:15:18,655 --> 00:15:20,551
Cheers, Abbi.
342
00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:21,620
Happy birthday.
343
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,517
I'm so excited to celebrate
344
00:15:23,517 --> 00:15:25,517
this momentous occasion
with you.
345
00:15:25,517 --> 00:15:27,517
I feel like
this is your year,
346
00:15:27,517 --> 00:15:29,310
so you need to do
something with it.
347
00:15:30,448 --> 00:15:36,448
♪♪
348
00:15:36,448 --> 00:15:39,000
If I know my baby's
poop schedule,
349
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,448
she is just about finished.
350
00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:43,862
Look at these.
How cute is this?
351
00:15:43,862 --> 00:15:46,172
[ Saxophone music playing
on speakers ]
352
00:15:46,172 --> 00:15:47,517
Okay, here we go.
353
00:15:59,482 --> 00:16:02,310
Thank you guys so much
for all the sweet messages.
354
00:16:02,310 --> 00:16:04,586
-Yay!
-Yay!
355
00:16:04,586 --> 00:16:07,586
I also saw
the new butt video.
356
00:16:07,586 --> 00:16:10,413
Okay, the lady doth not protest,
though, so...
357
00:16:10,413 --> 00:16:12,827
They're good -- They're good
pants for the -- for the butt.
358
00:16:12,827 --> 00:16:13,931
Really good.
359
00:16:16,965 --> 00:16:19,758
♪♪
360
00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:20,965
It's crazy
we never walked across
361
00:16:20,965 --> 00:16:22,379
the Brooklyn Bridge
together.
362
00:16:22,379 --> 00:16:23,482
One day...
363
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,862
Man: Look at it.
364
00:16:28,689 --> 00:16:30,310
[ Foghorn blows ]
365
00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:33,862
Dude! This is where
the Titanicdocked.
366
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:37,000
Are you joking?
367
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,000
I wasn't.
I get -- I see now.
368
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,310
I mean, I just --
I saw the movie.
369
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:42,206
I just didn't remember.
[ Chuckles ]
370
00:16:42,206 --> 00:16:44,310
[ Laughing ]
This is hard.
371
00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:46,551
Oh, I love you!
372
00:16:46,551 --> 00:16:48,896
Holy shit.
[ Clears throat ]
373
00:16:48,896 --> 00:16:50,517
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa![ Thumping ]
374
00:16:50,517 --> 00:16:53,724
[ Splash ]
375
00:16:53,724 --> 00:16:55,655
No!
376
00:16:55,655 --> 00:16:58,344
Oh, my God! This sucks!
377
00:16:58,344 --> 00:17:00,413
What are we gonna do?
We can't stop now!
378
00:17:00,413 --> 00:17:02,137
-Use my phone.
-Oh, yeah.
379
00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:05,137
Whew.
380
00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,827
♪ Bet I'm gon kill it ♪
381
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,689
♪ Sittin' on a sceptre,
bet I'm gon kill it ♪
382
00:17:09,689 --> 00:17:12,862
A little left, yeah.
383
00:17:12,862 --> 00:17:14,793
Lower. Yeah.
384
00:17:17,068 --> 00:17:19,206
Suck it, suck it,
suck it, suck it.
385
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,793
[Bleep] you!
386
00:17:20,793 --> 00:17:24,379
Everybody's laughing at you,
you [bleep] clown!
387
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:25,896
[ Electricity buzzing ]
388
00:17:25,896 --> 00:17:29,034
[ Thunder crashing ]
389
00:17:33,275 --> 00:17:36,137
♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪
390
00:17:36,137 --> 00:17:38,931
♪ Yeah, let me see you
go to town, yeah ♪
391
00:17:38,931 --> 00:17:41,793
♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪
392
00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:46,413
♪ Yeah, yeah, if you're down,
boy, really down ♪
393
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,448
♪ Baby, let me watch you
go to town ♪
394
00:17:48,448 --> 00:17:50,724
♪ It's your one chance,
baby, never or ♪
395
00:17:50,724 --> 00:17:52,137
We did it!
396
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,655
-We did it!
-We walked all of Manhattan,
397
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,931
Whoo!from the tippity-top
to the tippity-bottom.
398
00:17:55,931 --> 00:17:58,034
Okay, Abbi, so, what's one thing
you did last year
399
00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,310
that you're proud of?[ Whooshing ]
400
00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:01,551
-[ Gasps ]
-What the [bleep] dude?
401
00:18:01,551 --> 00:18:03,172
-Holy shit!
-Are you kidding me?
402
00:18:03,172 --> 00:18:06,379
If you think that I am
"cuckoo caca insahno,"
403
00:18:06,379 --> 00:18:08,655
then say it to my face.
404
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,689
You're cuckoo
caca insahno.
405
00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:13,000
Wait a second. Did you [bleep]
follow us down here?
406
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,206
-Yes.
-How?
407
00:18:14,206 --> 00:18:15,827
You posted
your location tags.
408
00:18:15,827 --> 00:18:16,931
-Dur. Dur, dur.
-Right.
409
00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:17,965
Running around the city
410
00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:19,655
with your little foibles
411
00:18:19,655 --> 00:18:21,000
and your little mishaps
412
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,689
and your little
shenanigans.
413
00:18:22,689 --> 00:18:24,379
Get over yourself!
414
00:18:24,379 --> 00:18:26,862
-Oh, I'm over myself.
-She hates herself.
415
00:18:26,862 --> 00:18:28,896
You're the one with
the perfect [bleep] life.
416
00:18:28,896 --> 00:18:31,551
You're always posting photos
of yourself on vacation,
417
00:18:31,551 --> 00:18:33,034
-on beaches and stuff.
-You're rich.
418
00:18:33,034 --> 00:18:35,310
And you're always at cupcake
and pizza parties!
419
00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:38,551
I never get to eat that stuff,
especially not in party format!
420
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:42,172
And excuse me -- four children
and look like this?
421
00:18:42,172 --> 00:18:43,551
-You look unbelievable.
-Yeah.
422
00:18:43,551 --> 00:18:45,931
You are literally
woman magic.
423
00:18:45,931 --> 00:18:47,655
So [bleep] you.
424
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,689
Thank you.
425
00:18:51,689 --> 00:18:53,103
But...no!
426
00:18:53,103 --> 00:18:54,620
No, I --
427
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:56,172
I'm struggling.
428
00:18:56,172 --> 00:18:58,172
My tits
are down to my knees.
429
00:18:58,172 --> 00:19:01,241
I sleep
like 90 minutes a night.
430
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,931
I am floundering!
431
00:19:02,931 --> 00:19:05,551
[ High-pitched sobbing ]
432
00:19:05,551 --> 00:19:08,620
Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, you're Cheese!
433
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:10,758
You'll always be
Cheese to me!
434
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,275
And me, 'cause I don't know
your government name.
435
00:19:13,275 --> 00:19:14,448
It's Lindsey.
436
00:19:14,448 --> 00:19:15,931
-Lindsey.
-Oh, my God. Right.
437
00:19:15,931 --> 00:19:17,448
Thank you, you guys.
438
00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:18,896
Aww!
Aww!
439
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:21,206
God, social media
is terrible.
440
00:19:21,206 --> 00:19:22,931
[ Children crying, screaming ]
441
00:19:22,931 --> 00:19:25,034
Oh [bleep] I got to go.
442
00:19:25,034 --> 00:19:26,206
I wish I could
hang out, guys.
443
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:27,344
-Yeah, us, too.
-I'm sorry.
444
00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:28,689
-Yeah.
-But next time.
445
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:29,931
[ Child yells indistinctly ]Jackson,
446
00:19:29,931 --> 00:19:33,034
get back
in the [bleep] car!
447
00:19:33,034 --> 00:19:35,000
That sucks.
To be her.
448
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,275
-Jackson!
-Or Jackson.
449
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:39,034
Okay, let's just
see the damage.
450
00:19:39,034 --> 00:19:40,413
-Dude! God.
-Oh. You know what?
451
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,793
It was already
on its way, but --
452
00:19:42,793 --> 00:19:45,517
No, it's, um --
Okay, it's not that bad.
453
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,068
-Look at your finger!
-[ Whistles, chuckles ]
454
00:19:48,068 --> 00:19:49,896
It's fine.
455
00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:52,000
I have to get
a new phone now.
456
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,655
Just --
457
00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:56,931
[ Foghorn blows ]
458
00:19:56,931 --> 00:19:59,724
It's stunning.
It's gorgeous.
459
00:19:59,724 --> 00:20:02,103
-Jesus!
-Dude, we don't have a phone.
460
00:20:02,103 --> 00:20:03,724
We don't --
We can't record this!
461
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:06,586
No one's gonna believe
that we even saw this!
462
00:20:06,586 --> 00:20:08,241
I mean...
463
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,586
I guess we could just
experience it.
464
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,034
Ew.
465
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,448
That's cuckoo caca insahno,
but the good kind.
466
00:20:23,448 --> 00:20:25,758
-There's a good kind?
-Oh, yeah.
467
00:20:28,793 --> 00:20:31,344
Look at this.
Can you believe her?
468
00:20:31,344 --> 00:20:33,172
-Looks pretty perfect.
-You know what, dude?
469
00:20:33,172 --> 00:20:36,172
I think I need
to get off social media.
470
00:20:36,172 --> 00:20:37,655
It's over between us.
471
00:20:37,655 --> 00:20:39,068
Okay. Okay.
472
00:20:39,068 --> 00:20:41,310
Dude, me, too.
Me, too, dude,
473
00:20:41,310 --> 00:20:45,517
because I don't really remember
any of the day.
474
00:20:45,517 --> 00:20:48,448
Yeah, I mean...
475
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,241
Shit.
It feels like
476
00:20:50,241 --> 00:20:52,448
because we were
filming it,
477
00:20:52,448 --> 00:20:55,655
it's not even
our story anymore.
478
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,793
It's like Stories' stories.
479
00:20:57,793 --> 00:20:59,413
Yes.
480
00:20:59,413 --> 00:21:01,517
[ Sirens wailing in distance ]
481
00:21:10,413 --> 00:21:13,793
I want -- I want it to sort of
be, like, um, pirate-y?
482
00:21:13,793 --> 00:21:15,655
Abbi:
Show me that. Toward your --
483
00:21:15,655 --> 00:21:17,275
Put your face
toward me.
484
00:21:17,275 --> 00:21:18,551
Wide eye.
485
00:21:18,551 --> 00:21:21,137
A little smile,
in the eye only.
486
00:21:21,137 --> 00:21:23,551
Not in the mouth,
in the eye.
487
00:21:23,551 --> 00:21:24,620
[ Laughs ]
488
00:21:24,670 --> 00:21:29,220
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