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1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,038
Tim Allen is back
in Last Man Standing.
2
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,807
Am I wrong, or is it, like,
way better on this network?
3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,576
Catch all-new episodes Fridays.
4
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,411
And check out
our other Fox programs--
5
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:13,147
The Simpsons, Rel,
and The Cool Kids.
6
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,648
Damn straight, we are.
7
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:15,716
Only on Fox.
8
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,222
Hi, Mikey. How you doing?
9
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,656
Busy, busy, busy.
10
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,392
Yeah, I can hear that, buddy.
Listen...
11
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,060
(grunts)
12
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,162
I need to talk to you
about Kyle.
13
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:32,233
I need to talk to you about
the meaning of the word "busy."
14
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,502
I hear that you didn't like
the ad he posted
15
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,504
for the HR position.
16
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,672
No, I didn't.
Did-did you read it?
17
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,041
No. Okay,
let's take a look here.
18
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,877
All righty.
"Sporting goods chain seeks
19
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,680
"entry-level
human resources administrator.
20
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:50,751
Must be friendly but, if not,
will teach how to be friendly."
21
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:53,687
"Experience preferred.
22
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,056
"But if you have no experience,
that's okay.
23
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:59,227
You've probably been doing other
really interesting things."
24
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,696
I-I think you're being
a little hard on him.
25
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:05,199
I'm just asking him to do
his job like everybody else.
26
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:08,569
Well, he can't be
like everybody else. He's Kyle.
27
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:11,105
The world needs one of those.
28
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:14,408
You know, that's what you said
about Charlie Sheen.
29
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,711
I love the kid, too,
but he's just not working out.
30
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:20,248
Hey, Mr. B.
You wanted to see me?
31
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,715
My cue to leave.
32
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,718
Kyle, you're
a very special person.
33
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,220
No matter what anyone says,
34
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:29,723
everything you do is correct.
35
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,792
What was that about?
36
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:34,895
He's dying.
37
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,930
*
38
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,737
H-How do you feel things
are working out for you
39
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,738
in Personnel?
40
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,740
Uh, I don't know.
41
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,943
I'd like it better
if we could hire everybody.
42
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,146
Can we hire everybody?
43
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:54,282
Hey, Baxter.
I need you to sign off
44
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,983
on the new
security protocol manual.
45
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,085
I already signed off on it.
It's on that flat piece of wood
46
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,588
out there called your desk
that you're never sitting at.
47
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,590
Okay, okay. Chill out.
48
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,159
Someone woke up
on the wrong side of the coffin.
49
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,928
Here's everybody.
50
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,697
What's crack-a-lackin'?
51
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,099
That's how the kids used to say
52
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,269
"What's going on?"
back in the early 2000s.
53
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:17,271
Well, I'll tell you
what's going out is you,
54
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,306
you denim-covered marshmallow.
55
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,107
Take Chuckles with you.
Come on.
56
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,442
I have a deep, throaty laugh.
57
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,676
I don't know where he gets
"Chuckles" from.
58
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:23,844
"Denim-covered marshmallow."
59
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,679
Ooh, I'm hungry.
(chuckles)
60
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,682
(exhales)
61
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,952
Okay. Look,
I'm just gonna say it.
62
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,622
I-I... I think you're too nice
to work in Personnel.
63
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,791
I think you're too nice
to work at Disneyland.
64
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,160
You know, but we'll
find a place for you.
65
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:44,131
Where? You know, I-I've been in
Sales, uh, Shipping, Personnel.
66
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,133
I wouldn't mind going back
to Sales,
67
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:49,002
but I just hired three guys.
68
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,472
For the same job.
69
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,873
Yeah, you're right.
70
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,975
-Personnel is not working out.
-No.
71
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,810
Maybe it's time
I go with Plan B.
72
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,546
Good, good.
What's-what's your Plan B?
73
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:01,715
Oh, that's the name of my
cousin's house painting company.
74
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,351
You've probably seen their ads.
75
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:07,187
Uh, "Plan B. When the best
is too expensive."
76
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,526
Look, Outdoor Man
is your family.
77
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,161
We'll find a place for you.
78
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,363
All right.
79
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,665
Kyle.
80
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,433
Listen, I don't know
what this man said to you...
81
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,003
...but Charlie Sheen
bounced back.
82
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,406
So can you.
83
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,342
-Oh, i-it's okay.
-Mm-hmm.
84
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:31,245
-Uh, Mr. B says
we'll-we'll find my place. -Mm.
85
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:33,213
(chuckles)
86
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:36,083
You got to stop idolizing
Charlie Sheen.
87
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,751
Just trying to soften the blow.
88
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,753
Listen, maybe we should give him
his old job back.
89
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:42,089
You know, you know,
gussy it up a little with a,
90
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,724
with a fancy new title.
91
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,559
He was a floater.
92
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,395
Executive floater,
supervising floater.
93
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,062
The only way to dress up
a floater
94
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,865
is with colored toilet paper.
95
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,101
I just don't want to see
the kid hurt, that's all.
96
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,037
Maybe we should give him
a job that he can't fail at.
97
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,439
He just got married.
He wants to start a family.
98
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,374
He needs a job
that can turn into a career.
99
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,942
All right, look,
if it's about money,
100
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,877
-he doesn't have to worry.
-Well, of course he has.
101
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,213
-He needs money.
He's got to work. -Oh, no, no, no, no.
102
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,548
No, I-I haven't told him
this yet,
103
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,418
but I've been thinking
of putting Kyle in my will.
104
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,752
-What?
-Yes, yes,
105
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:13,454
he's the closest thing
I have to family.
106
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,724
You know,
you have an actual family.
107
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,392
I want to take care of the kid.
108
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,561
Kyle's not the type of man
that wants to be taken care of.
109
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,630
He's the type of man that wants
to take care of people.
110
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,231
Okay. Fine, fine, fine.
111
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,300
So I-I shouldn't put him
in my will?
112
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:29,269
No, do that. Then I won't have
to leave Mandy anything.
113
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,309
-Hey.
-Hey. Where's Boyd?
114
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,744
Oh, he's getting his stuff out
of the car.
115
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,079
Listen, Boyd is gonna ask if
we can dog-sit for his friend.
116
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,316
I told him no,
and you are going to back me up.
117
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,951
Totally. Of course.
118
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,419
What kind of dog?
119
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,955
Uh, the kind we'd have to walk
120
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,957
and feed and pick up after,
121
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,759
which is a lot of work.
122
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,093
United front, okay?
123
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,462
Yeah, of course.
124
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,498
Dad.
125
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,933
So, my friend Jeff is going
to Utah with his family,
126
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,436
and he asked if we would take
care of his dog, Murphy.
127
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,171
Murphy?
That's a really great name.
128
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:07,675
He can catch a Frisbee
and throw it back.
129
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:08,676
What? No way.
130
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,277
I mean...
131
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,280
no way am I gonna allow that.
132
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,115
If you put a piece of cheese
on his nose,
133
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,117
he won't eat it
until you say the magic word.
134
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,886
-What's the magic word?
-"Eat."
135
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,288
We got to get this dog.
136
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,956
-Ryan!
-Thanks, Dad!
137
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,625
I'm sorry, okay, Kris,
but you didn't tell me
138
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,293
he was the coolest dog
in the world.
139
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,463
Please, Mom. If you point your
finger at him and say, "Bang,"
140
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,031
he falls over.
141
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,466
(groans)
Okay.
142
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,001
But you have to do
all of the work.
143
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,003
I will.
144
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,638
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
145
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:38,839
I'm gonna call Jeff.
146
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,176
Okay.
147
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:46,213
I think I, uh, messed up
the whole united front thing.
148
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,481
Yeah, a little bit.
149
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,149
But he falls over
when you say, "Bang."
150
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,317
I know. That's what got me, too.
151
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,319
(chuckles)
152
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,154
MIKE:
Hey, Mandy.
153
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,556
What you up to?
154
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,658
You're doing a crossword?
155
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,494
-Yes. Don't act so surprised.
-(chuckles)
156
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,996
Alexa, what's the capital
of Morocco?
157
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:07,334
ALEXA:
Morocco's capital city is Rabat.
158
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,503
Rabat!
159
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:12,573
So, who's doing the crossword?
160
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:15,008
Uh, we're doing it together.
161
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:19,680
She can do a lot of things,
but she can't write.
162
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,516
You know, I had to pull Kyle out
of Personnel today.
163
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,217
Why? And tell me the truth.
164
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:27,020
Unless it's bad.
In that case, lie to me.
165
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,690
Honey, it just wasn't
a good fit, you know?
166
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,526
But I think I might have found
the perfect position for him.
167
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,528
You know, he's good with people,
168
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,530
and I'm thinking
of Human Resources.
169
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,265
Fred's out of town on vacation.
170
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,367
I'm gonna let, uh, Kyle fill in,
learn the ropes.
171
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,103
I think he's gonna be perfect
in that position.
172
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,038
You have to stop
doing this to him.
173
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,040
Trying to help him
with his career?
174
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,375
That's how you see it.
175
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,545
Kyle sees it as him failing
at one job after another.
176
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,380
Well, sometimes it takes
a while to...
177
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,783
to match someone's skill set
with the right job, you know?
178
00:06:55,816 --> 00:07:00,387
Especially when their skill
set's as-as u-unique as Kyle's.
179
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,389
Dad, listen,
180
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,058
would you say
we have the perfect family?
181
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,928
I'd say the top
of that pyramid's pretty solid.
182
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:11,231
Well... (chuckles) to Kyle,
we are the perfect family.
183
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,066
You know, compared to his.
184
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,769
By that measure, the Mansons
look like The Brady Bunch.
185
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,908
And sometimes, you know,
he feels like he's just...
186
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,910
-not on our level.
-I know.
187
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,112
He-He's been told his whole life
he'd never amount to anything,
188
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,414
and I think that there's
a part of him deep inside
189
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,916
that believes that.
190
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,584
Do you believe that?
191
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,085
No, of course not.
192
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,421
Kyle's the best man
I've ever met.
193
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,089
(chuckles)
194
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:40,093
I think you probably mean
the second-best man.
195
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,094
(chuckles)
196
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,496
(chuckles):
No.
197
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:46,166
(laughing)
198
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,668
I love Kyle.
I believe in Kyle.
199
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,102
What I'm trying to get
200
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,839
is to get Kyle
to believe in Kyle.
201
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,841
You sure about this?
202
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,009
'Cause I don't think
he can handle another failure.
203
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,345
He's not gonna fail at this.
204
00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,781
-Okay. Thanks, Dad.
-You bet.
205
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,449
You're the best.
206
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,118
Oh, I think
you mean second-best.
207
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,988
Yeah.
208
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,697
Hey, Kyle. How's it going?
209
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,031
Oh. Hey, Mr. B.
210
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:19,299
Ooh.
211
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,969
Does Mandy know
that you have another family?
212
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,171
Oh, that's-that's Fred's family.
213
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,338
I've been answering a lot
214
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,840
-of questions today.
-Good, good, good.
215
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:30,310
Most of them were,
"Where's Fred?"
216
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,012
You got this. You got this.
217
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,382
Hey, Mike.
218
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,483
Well, look who showed up,
219
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,485
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass.
220
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,653
(Joe and Chuck chuckle)
221
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:40,988
Good one, Baxter.
222
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,189
King of zings!
223
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,490
(chuckling)
224
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,159
Where's Fred?
225
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,995
Oh, uh, he's on vacation.
226
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,063
Well, look,
just tell him we stopped by.
227
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:52,332
-Yeah.
-Or don't.
228
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,001
-Uh, never mind.
-Uh, hey, wait.
229
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,502
Uh, is there a problem?
230
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,405
Because, if there is,
I'm supposed to help solve it.
231
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,407
(sighs) Well,
we'd like to file a complaint
232
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,675
-against someone.
-Yeah.
233
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,410
Oh. That's too bad.
234
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,845
Uh, give me a second.
235
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,347
We have a form for that.
236
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:11,384
Okay, and who are we filing
the complaint against?
237
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,454
-Mike Baxter.
-Mike Baxter.
238
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:18,525
Where's Fred?
239
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,228
(Kristin and Boyd chuckling)
240
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,430
-Oh, I can't get over
how cute he is. -Oh.
241
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,765
-KRISTIN: Come here. Hey.
-Is he here? Oh!
242
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,399
-(giggling)
-Okay.
243
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,568
I got everything on the list,
including his dog food.
244
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:32,405
Happy to see that, like me,
he's gluten-free.
245
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:33,907
But he's wearing fur.
246
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,909
You should talk to him
about that.
247
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,378
A pig's ear.
248
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,380
-Gross and cool.
-KRISTIN: Okay.
249
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,215
Come on, Boyd.
Let's go put that stuff away.
250
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,217
BOYD:
Okay.
251
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,887
So, Murphy,
what should we do first?
252
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,388
(growling)
253
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,422
Oh!
254
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,591
Stay?
255
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,226
Kris? Honey?
256
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,763
Uh, can you come in here
for a second, please?
257
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,597
Did he shake your hand?
258
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,400
I know. It's adorable.
259
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,403
No, he was, um...
260
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,572
Was he totally fine
with you in here?
261
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,942
Of course. Who's the best dog
in the whole world, huh?
262
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,411
-You are. You are.
-Okay.
263
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,446
Are you okay with him?
264
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,949
Yeah. Of course. Fine.
I'm great with animals.
265
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,751
President of the 4-H Club.
266
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,320
Trimmed a badger's nails once.
267
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,956
Okay. I'm gonna go start dinner.
268
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:23,957
Great.
269
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,426
-(growling)
-Oh.
270
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,328
Why don't you do that when
other people are in the room?
271
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,963
Do you know
how personal that seems?
272
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,431
(growling)
273
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,133
Bang?
274
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,467
Yeah, no, didn't think so.
275
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,446
I forgot.
Uh, who was it again
276
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,681
you wanted to file
a complaint against?
277
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,616
Uh-huh. For the fifth time,
278
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,618
Mike Baxter.
279
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,020
But what's to complain about?
280
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,287
His hair's too full?
281
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,656
His eyes are too blue?
282
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,125
No, he's too mean, okay?
283
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,993
And you're
a little too much in love.
284
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,329
I'm a Marine.
285
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,530
I can deal with a few insults.
286
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:04,798
What I can't deal with
287
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,800
is someone demeaning me
in front of my staff.
288
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,802
You know, it's the same thing
at the garage.
289
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,804
He goes out of his way
to call me slow and lazy,
290
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,841
but he... never calls
to see how I'm doing.
291
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,644
He doesn't mean anything by it.
292
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,379
Uh, Mr. B talks
to everyone that way.
293
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:23,817
I saw him call a Girl Scout
a "cookie-peddling socialist."
294
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,819
Joe, this is a waste of time.
295
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:28,021
He's the boss's son-in-law.
296
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,489
You're right.
Look, we don't want any trouble.
297
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,324
-Let's get out of here.
-Oh, yeah. Hang on.
298
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,994
Okay, according to HR policy,
299
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,863
once I've been informed
of a complaint,
300
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,865
I have to...
301
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:40,333
"initiate a grievance hearing."
302
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,070
Oh, that sounds serious.
303
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:45,739
Grievance hearing... with Mike,
the king of zings? (chuckles)
304
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,175
Oh, hell no.
305
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,177
And since Fred's out of town,
306
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,245
I have to run the mediation.
307
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,347
Oh, hell, hell no.
308
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,884
Look, let's just, let's just
wait till Fred gets back.
309
00:11:56,917 --> 00:12:00,020
It doesn't sound like you're
the right man for our case.
310
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,022
Uh, maybe, you know,
'cause what you're describing
311
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,724
just doesn't sound like
the Mike Baxter that I know.
312
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:07,861
Hey... guys, leave Kyle alone.
313
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,863
He's trying
to make a name for himself.
314
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:12,065
You already have your names.
What-what are they?
315
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,067
Tweedle Dee.
316
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,736
Tweedle Dumbass.
317
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:21,074
I love being the boss.
318
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,879
Gentlemen...
319
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,915
I'll take the case.
320
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,057
Yeah. Come in, Kyle.
What's up? Come in.
321
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,458
Um, you know, I was hoping
322
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,427
-I could get your advice.
-Yeah.
323
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,430
As you know, I'm-I'm manning
the HR desk while Fred is away.
324
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,566
And you found something
in his drawer?
325
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:50,137
Pills, booze,
or a girlie magazine?
326
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,640
Oh, I saw this coming.
327
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:57,610
What? No. No, the only thing
in Fred's drawer is a Bible.
328
00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,247
He's a good man, that Fred.
329
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,115
Yeah. I-I agree, and that's why
330
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,985
I'm thinking it might be better
to wait for him to get back
331
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,820
before HR deals
with a complaint.
332
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,589
There's been a complaint?
333
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,092
Was it from that tall guy
in shipping?
334
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,095
I swear to God,
I thought his name was "Stilts."
335
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,664
No, no. The-the complaint
is not about you, sir.
336
00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:19,299
Oh.
337
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:23,103
But it does concern somebody
at the highest level.
338
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,337
Mike.
339
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,474
Oh, I-I really can't say.
340
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:31,011
But if I could say,
I would say "yes."
341
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,280
You really can't sit
on a complaint, Kyle.
342
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,016
That's how they fester.
You can't wait for Fred.
343
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,285
You've got to take care of this
right away.
344
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,954
But Mr. B,
he's my father-in-law.
345
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:44,357
I mean, in a way, we're related.
346
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:47,360
That doesn't matter. Sit-sit
down, sit down, sit down. Sit.
347
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,329
Yeah, you have a bright future.
348
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:52,165
I see great things for you.
Great things.
349
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:55,702
I bet one day you'll be living
in a house just like mine.
350
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,306
Just exactly like mine.
351
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,641
Oh, I don't think so.
352
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,977
I don't give a damn
what you think.
353
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,845
And I'll bet you'll have
a vineyard like mine.
354
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:08,181
Exactly like mine.
355
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:12,219
And a coin collection, hmm?
356
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,653
I-I can't think about my future.
357
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,188
I mean, all I can think about
358
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,157
is not wanting
to have to run this hearing.
359
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,558
I understand,
but whoever filed this complaint
360
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:19,993
came to you for help.
361
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:23,030
This is your chance
to take care of others.
362
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,899
Ooh. Okay.
363
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:27,667
-Hmm?
-I'll do it.
364
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,336
Yeah. Okay.
365
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,338
Listen to your heart, Kyle.
366
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:34,074
One day you'll be sitting
in that mountain cabin
367
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,710
remembering this as the day
you took control of your future.
368
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,013
-Hmm?
-Well, if that's true,
369
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,382
I just hope it's as nice
as your cabin.
370
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,219
(chuckles)
371
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,188
It will be, son.
372
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,557
You'll see. Exactly.
373
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,027
KYLE:
Okay.
374
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,363
Uh, I call to order
this grievance hearing.
375
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,898
Uh, the complainants are
Chuck Larabee and Joe Leonard,
376
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:01,434
henceforth known as
"aggrieved parties," against...
377
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,470
Witch hunt!
378
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,908
-Uh, Mr. Baxter.
-Fake news.
379
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:14,381
Okay, uh, Mr. Baxter, uh, you're
what we call "out of order."
380
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,083
You're damn right
he's out of order.
381
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,952
The only thing that works
on that guy is his mouth.
382
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:21,221
Okay. Okay, uh, Mr. Leonard,
now you are out of order.
383
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,390
Okay, our policy states
that when a participant
384
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,425
violates protocol, I'm required
385
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,794
to put a black mark
in their personnel file.
386
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,929
Why's it got to be black?
387
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,935
It's the only one I have.
388
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,072
Uh, "X."
389
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,074
"X" marks the dummy.
390
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,943
Hey. Oh, you've just given me
a perfect example
391
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,745
of what we call "crosstalk."
392
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,314
Now, to avoid crosstalk,
you'll only speak
393
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:48,748
when I've given you the signal.
394
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,850
So, uh, Mr. Larabee.
395
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,087
Oh, this finger
is the signal, so...
396
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,322
(Chuck clears throat)
397
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:56,789
I'm giving you a signal
with my finger
398
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,291
under the table right now.
399
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:00,827
See that?
400
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,296
See that? Mike Baxter
is a sarcastic bastard
401
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,465
who thinks he can say
whatever he wants.
402
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:08,268
He ought to have that smug smirk
wiped off his face
403
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,203
with a closed fist.
404
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,140
Oh, dear. Okay. What to do
405
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,942
when the aggrieved uses
inflammatory language.
406
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,012
This thing needs an index.
407
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,613
Wait a minute.
Is that what this is about?
408
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,282
I hurt somebody's feelings?
409
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,517
Hey, I can't even enjoy
a bear claw at work
410
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,187
without being called--
and I quote--
411
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,456
"Joe-bese."
412
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,125
That's body shaming,
that's what that is.
413
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,127
You're a size-ist. Put that
in his record. Write that...
414
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,463
Hey, hey. Hey, okay,
all right. First of all,
415
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,031
I decide
when to mark the X's.
416
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,500
And second of all,
I didn't point at any of you.
417
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,969
So... X, X, X.
418
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,204
Ooh.
419
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,672
That's two X's for you.
420
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,841
Even your file's
becoming Joe-bese.
421
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,377
Okay, gentlemen,
the purpose of this hearing is
422
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,645
to give everyone a chance
to be heard, all right?
423
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,147
And if you keep speaking
out of order,
424
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,515
-then-then no one gets heard.
-MIKE: Listen,
425
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,150
-you're-you're an ex-Marine,
right? -Mm-hmm.
426
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,986
You know, I'm sure I'm not the
only one to call you a bonehead.
427
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,654
-That was, like, your rank,
wasn't it? Bonehead? -Mr. B...
428
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,057
My drill sergeant could
kill a man with his thumb.
429
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,825
-What you got?
-Guys...
430
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,560
-Hmm?
-I was told there'd be dinner!
431
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,497
-'Cause you haven't eaten
in what, five minutes? -Mr. Baxter!
432
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,166
-No. I just want a crudité
platter. That's all. -KYLE: Please.
433
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,502
-Look, I'm dealing with
a snowflake and a snowball. -Man...
434
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:19,038
Okay, everybody shut up!
435
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,707
Okay, we are gonna
have this hearing
436
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,709
in accordance
with the proper procedure.
437
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,077
-Nah...
-This is all...
438
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:25,512
Okay, now you will
respect the pointer.
439
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,913
-I don't think...
-Do you hear me?
440
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,382
Respect the pointer!
441
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,917
I don't know about you fellas,
442
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:34,020
but I'm gonna
respect the pointer.
443
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,022
Keep reading.
444
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,525
You know what?
445
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,527
Forget the binder.
446
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,029
Okay? I want you all
to look at each other
447
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:46,032
and think about the mean
and dismissive words
448
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,034
that you've used
at this meeting.
449
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,537
Okay? Like "bastard"
and "bonehead"
450
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,572
and "crudité."
451
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,046
Look, that's not how coworkers
talk to each other.
452
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,948
And it's definitely not
how friends should.
453
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:04,717
At Outdoor Man, we're not just
coworkers, all right?
454
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,754
We're not just friends.
We're a family.
455
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,957
And it's time you guys
started acting like one.
456
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:21,134
See? See?
I told you guys he could do it.
457
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,236
No, I told you he could do it.
458
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,238
Well, we both told each other.
459
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,907
Well, can someone tell me
what I did?
460
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,577
Baxter put us all up to this.
There's no complaint.
461
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,579
The man does have a mouth
on him,
462
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,747
but I wouldn't go running to HR.
I'd just...
463
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,750
-cut his brake lines.
-Yeah, yeah.
464
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,320
Well, what, so this was a setup?
465
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,789
Yeah, I wrote all those
fat jokes. Those are mine.
466
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:44,257
It was good, too.
It wasn't a setup.
467
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,825
It was more of a test,
you know, and,
468
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,327
Joe, Chuck,
I appreciate what you did.
469
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,430
Look, I do know your names,
but now, get back to work.
470
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,766
And that "size-ist" thing--
totally improvised that myself.
471
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,269
(laughs)
I had a whole monologue planned.
472
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,305
I was gonna cry.
473
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,774
-Ah.
-So...
474
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,476
-if this was a test...
-Mm-hmm.
475
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,944
...did I pass?
476
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,315
Well, um,
how do you think you did?
477
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:11,484
Well, I don't mean to boast,
but I think I got a solid "C."
478
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,152
-Yeah.
-Ah.
479
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:16,523
I think I'll give you an A-plus.
480
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:17,957
I'm a little tougher than Ed.
481
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,959
Um, I'll give you
an A-plus, too.
482
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,463
Listen, you know how people
should be treated, right?
483
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,832
And that gooey-- dare I say--
484
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:28,968
liberal heart of yours
is why I put you in HR.
485
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,470
It's where you belong.
486
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,372
Thank you.
487
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:35,342
All right, I'm gonna go call
my cousin at Plan B.
488
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,143
He's gonna have
to do some cheap,
489
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,346
second-rate
house painting without me.
490
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,880
Perfect.
491
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,516
Oh, that kid. Ah. Oh, man.
492
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:46,319
-We did a good job of that.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
493
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,020
Hey, by the way, uh...
I don't know.
494
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,389
-You know, it's, uh...
-Yeah.
495
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,658
...hard to say,
but am I in your will?
496
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,059
(Ed laughs)
497
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,662
Look at you, look at you,
498
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,365
thinking that
I'm going to die first.
499
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,345
Uh, Vanessa, I have
a science question for you.
500
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,013
Well, I'm kind of rusty,
501
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,583
which is what happens
when iron is exposed to oxygen.
502
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,184
(laughs)
503
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,687
I'm not rusty. It's just so fun.
504
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:25,191
Um, whenever I'm alone
with Murphy, he growls at me.
505
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,759
What? That doesn't make sense.
506
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:28,895
He's such a fuzzy-fuzzy-fuzzy...
507
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,697
Yeah, no, I got it.
He's fuzzy-fuzzy-fuzzy.
508
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,700
Um, he's only not growling right
now because you're in the room.
509
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,869
Oh. Well, there is a scientific
way to figure this out.
510
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,105
Uh, I will just step out
of the room.
511
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:42,208
-Here.
-Okay.
512
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,378
-(growling)
-Uh, yup, he's doing it.
513
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,380
(growling)
514
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,283
Okay, uh, well, what are the,
uh, what are the variables?
515
00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,951
You're the only man
in the house.
516
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:54,454
Yeah. Could be...
could be my voice.
517
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,888
VANESSA:
All right, well, hey,
518
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,891
try-try speaking
to him in a higher pitch.
519
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:00,560
Uh...
520
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:04,230
(high-pitched):
Hi, Murphy. I'm a lady.
521
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,299
(growling)
522
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,800
What the hell is happening?
523
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,602
Science experiment.
524
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,304
Okay, what else? Oh...
525
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,239
Oh, dogs are pack animals.
526
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,608
Maybe you need to establish
yourself as the alpha.
527
00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:18,077
-Growl back at him.
-Really?
528
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,447
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same
thing I told you about Mike.
529
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,416
-(growling)
-Okay, uh...
530
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,751
(Ryan growls)
531
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:28,455
(both growling)
532
00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:32,091
-(barking)
-Oh, okay. No.
533
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:35,094
Oh, my God, Ryan. It's your hat.
He hates your hat.
534
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:36,463
Yeah, it's my hat.
535
00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:38,097
-Yeah.
-Of course it's my hat.
536
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,334
He doesn't hate me.
I'm adorable. Yeah.
537
00:21:41,368 --> 00:21:43,470
Somebody with a hat
must have scared him
538
00:21:43,503 --> 00:21:44,937
when he was a puppy.
539
00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:47,273
Ah, congratulations.
Of course, it means
540
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,776
-you have to get rid
of that hat. -So what?
541
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:52,011
I'll just give it to Mike
and introduce him to Murphy.
542
00:21:54,681 --> 00:21:56,282
(chicken clucks)
543
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,184
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
544
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,555
Still need more laughs
after Last Man Standing?
545
00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:04,791
Then here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
546
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:08,428
Buckle up, buttercup.
547
00:22:10,763 --> 00:22:13,132
It's real, and it pulls
people together.
548
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:16,703
-* We're breaking waves
shooting star * -(siren wailing)
549
00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:20,306
* We live for glory
not forever *
550
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:21,340
MAN: Touchdown!
551
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:24,911
* Reach out *
552
00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:28,548
* Make this right here
right now *
553
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:31,518
* Stand up *
554
00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:34,153
* Here right now *
555
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,122
That sounds like fun.
556
00:22:36,172 --> 00:22:40,722
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