All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s05e20 Tattoo.eng

No, Mom, I am not cold.

Yeah, I-I am wearing a sweater.

I will take it off if it gets hot.

Yeah, Mom, I know how sweaters work.

Hey, honey.

No, no, it's too early.

(Sighs)

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Mm.

You're right, I won't, Mom.

Uh, I got... I
got... I got to go.

Yeah, yeah.

No, one of the girls
isn't wearing a sweater.

(Beep)

(Chuckles)

My mom's dead.

Yeah, your life is perfect.

So, how was your day?

You don't want to know about my day.

You just want to rant on about your mom.

My mother is impossible.

And we're off!

She is always telling me what to
do like I'm still 10 years old.

You like when people think
you're younger than you are.

The guy at the liquor store who carded you,

you talked about that for three weeks.

And she goes on and on about her friends

who all apparently have the
same last name... "Who's Dying."

(Chuckles) Yeah, no, there's
Carla, who's dying,

Brenda, who's dying, Mildred, who's dying.

Who's Dying is a big family.

Mm.

Mother-daughter relationships are tough.

Let's not forget Lizzie Borden.

Hey, hey. We never heard Lizzie's side.

No, I-I'm serious, Mike.

It's like our relationship never got
past a mother-daughter dynamic.

Yeah, you know, it's horrible
when mothers act like m-mothers.

Sorry. I'm just doing the best I can here.

Just once I grew up, we never
transitioned into just being friends.

And that's on her.

She never made any effort to
do the things I like to do.

Why don't you just talk to her?

No, Mike, no, no, because it's too late,

and... and the worst part is it
doesn't even seem to bother her.

I mean, I would be devastated if I ended up

in a relationship like
that with my daughters.

It's never gonna happen. You have
a great relationship with the girls.

You really do. You mean it?

You're not just...
just saying that?

Little bit of both.

(Sighs) Just want to wrap this up.

Honey, I-I mean, it worries me sometimes.

The girls are all pretty grown up, and
can't believe that Eve's already 18.

You're having your girls' night out,
Taco Tuesday tonight with them.

You know what, yeah.

That... that has always been
a mother-daughter dinner.

I think I'm gonna make
it different tonight.

- Good.
- Yeah, no, no, no.

I am not just gonna go
out with my daughters.

I am also gonna go out with my friends.

Sounds like a lot of people.

Don't pick up the check.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

Look who just gave Father Time the finger.

I wanted to wear something
that said friend, not mom.

Well, you nailed it, honey. Yeah.

Also nailed "roadie for
the Allman Brothers."

Seriously, is it too much?

No, no, no. You want to
be like the other girls,

then you go up and change, little missy.

Hey, I can wear whatever I want.

You are not the boss of me!

Hi, Mom.

Wow! You look great.

Are you sure I don't look like
a roadie for the Allman Brothers?

The who?

No, the Allman Brothers.

Just go... go
get the girls.

- All right, cool.
- Hey, Boyd, hi, sweetie. Mm!

Looking forward to hanging
out with Grandpa tonight?

Yeah. I'm gonna ask him
if I can get a tattoo.

Oh. I don't think that's a good idea.

Why would you want that?

Well, my mom and Aunt Mandy and Aunt Eve
were talking about how great it'd be.

And also that it was a secret [Whispering]
and I shouldn't tell anybody.

Good job!

Uh, Boyd, honey, you know, it's,
uh, it's okay that you told me.

I mean, I-I think tattoos are cool, too.

But you're a grandma.

Hey, I said I think they're cool!

Listen, listen, you should not
say anything to Grandpa, okay?

Because even though your mom and
her sisters are getting older,

he'll always be the dad.

Oh, so he makes tofu and
mung beans for breakfast?

No, sweetie. That's...
that's just your dad.

You're so lucky 'cause you can be saying,

"Oh, Ryan," and just be thinking
"Gosling, Gosling, Gosling."

Or if you get tired of him, you can
just shift right on over to Reynolds.

True.

What are they talking about?

- Nothing.
- Nothing! -Nothing.

Then why are you laughing?

- Uh...
- Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.

Never ask women why they're laughing.

It's better than crying or yelling.

- Come on, Mom, hey. Let's go.
- Yeah.

Let's get this girls' night started.

Don't wait up for me. Okay.

- Good night, baby.
- Love you.

All right, have fun. Drive safe.

Love you!

All right, let's go. (Door closes)

What do girls do on girls' night?

Uh, they spend most of the
time trying to parallel park,

put on hats, and they giggle at them.

What do we do on guys' night?

We're making hot dogs.

My dad says that hot dogs are poison.

They are.

But it turns out that
mustard is the antidote.

- Hey, Mr. Alzate.
- Hey, Kyle.

Looks like there's another exotic bird show

Wendi's gonna try to drag my ass to.

That's fantastic.

Tell me, what part of "drag
my ass" sounds fantastic?

Oh, I-I stopped listening
after "exotic bird show."

Oh. Sometimes I only hear the good part.

It really got me in trouble
the time my brother said,

"Let's take a motorcycle ride..."

Hmm.

"...to rob a liquor store."

Wendi loves birds.

If she finds out about this show,
it could lead to a big fight.

Hey, Ed. Kyle.

Hey, Ryan. What are you doing here?

Kristin's off for the night.

Uh, actually, I came to talk to you guys.

I want to learn how to camp.

You don't know how to camp?
Didn't your dad ever take you?

A couple times he told my
mom he was taking me camping,

and then we'd go to the
casino and I'd wait in the car.

One time he actually lost the car and
we had to sleep at the bus station,

so I guess he kind of took me camping.

Man, your dad sounds cool.

Wait, I don't think I heard all of that.

So, why the big push to learn now?

Well, Kris grew up camping,
and it's important to her.

When we do go, I want to
be able to hold my own.

Hmm. Well, we've got weekly seminars.

But you're part of the Outdoor Man family,

so you're gonna get
private lessons from Kyle.

Oh, man, you're gonna love it.

Outdoor camping is not nearly
as dirty as bus station camping.

This stuff looks pretty hardcore.

I hope I'll be able to learn how to use it.

Don't worry. Kyle's an expert, so...
there's your answer.

So, then Eve runs over and tackles the kid.

He stole your hat.

Dude, we were in third grade.

That's what boys do when they like you.

In my experience, boys will do

all sorts of stupid stuff
just to get your attention.

- Mm.
- Tell me about it.

One got me pregnant.

(Laughter)

I-I think that it's probably
funnier if you'd been drinking.

Oh, wow, it's 10:00 already?

(Chuckles) This evening's
going way too fast.

Yeah. I wish I didn't have school tomorrow.

I'll write you a note.

Remember when Kristin
used to do that for us?

No, 'cause I never did.

Please, please.

You probably do my
signature better than I do.

In fact, sign this.

This feels so much more fun than usual.

I mean, I'm always super entertaining,

so one of you must've stepped up your game.

I think it's probably Mom.

She hasn't once licked her thumb and
wiped something off of our faces.

I'm taking a break for a few years

before I have to start
doing that to your dad.

(Laughter)

This is such a blast.

Guys, wait, listen, you know
what would be crazy fun to get?

- Churros?
- No, no, no.

Tattoos.

Tattoos.

- Uh...
- What's wrong?

Come on, come on.

Isn't that the kind of thing
you do with your friends?

Yeah!

It's just not the kind of
thing you do with your mom.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, churros?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, uh, that's definitely the kind
of thing you do with your mom, yeah.

Hey, honey.

Boyd's home safe. Kid's
a pretty good driver.

How was your night?

Well, we were having a great time,

but then at the end of what
I thought was a lovely dinner,

I find out what I really
am to our daughters.

Their mom!

Damn those kids to hell.

I make one little suggestion of something
we could do at the end of dinner,

and they shot it down.

All right, well, what was
your little suggestion?

I said we should get a tattoo.

(Chuckles) I've always
wanted to kiss a sailor.

Boyd said the girls wanted to get one.

They just didn't want to do it with me.

Apparently, I am not cool enough
to be in their little club.

You know, you had a great night,

and you're obsessing on one tiny
little thing that didn't go your way.

You're being a real Mrs. Lincoln right now.

All right, you know what, you
...you... you don't understand.

No, I don't understand.

If you want a tattoo, get a tattoo.

Oh, 'cause it's... it's
more than that, Mike.

I mean, God, you give so much
of your life to your kids.

You give birth to them, you raise them,

you listen to all their
stupid little problems and...

and then... and then
they get to adulthood

and it's, "Hey, hey, thanks
for the miracle of life,

but I don't want a tattoo."

Wait a minute. Hold that thought.

What... what
are you doing?

Taking notes.

That could be a great hook
for my vlog on Mother's Day.

Guilty kids are known to buy mom a canoe.

You're gonna use what I'm going
through to guilt other kids?

You're not using it.

Well, I might.

I'm sorry your evening didn't
go well with your daughters.

I'm gonna go to bed.

(Sighs)

You're still welcome in that club.

Look at that.

Now you're as snug as a bug in a rug.

How's it feel?

Tight.

Really, really tight.

I can't breathe.

Okay, uh, well, don't panic.

Oh, God, the zipper's stuck.

Kyle, you got to get me out of here.

I'm dying! Kyle! -Okay.

That's kind of panicking.

Kyle, please get me out of here!

(Exhales sharply)

The sleeping bag is usually
the least scary part of camping.

Sorry, I... I get a little claustrophobic.

Ryan, so far you've
poked yourself in the eye

with a tent pole, you've
dropped an axe on your toe,

and somehow managed to get
your thumb stuck in a canteen.

I'm just new to all this stuff, you know?

Now you're holding a
can of gas over a fire.

Can you tell me why that's a no-no?

Because it would explode into a fireball.

Yes.

Which you don't want
to happen in the woods.

Mainly because they're made of wood.

You're right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm clearly not meant for this.

So, are you acclimating
to the great outdoors?

No. No, I am not.

I love the environment, but from afar.

Sorry to hear that.
Camping's not for everyone.

Especially teenagers in horror movies.

They always think their friends
are playing a joke on them,

but they never are.

"Stop it, Craig.

You're being weird!"

Craig is not being weird. Craig is dead.

It's frustrating, you know, 'cause
I wanted to do this for Kristin.

Well, I know what it's like when your
wife's harping on you to do something,

but you can't give in if
it's gonna make you miserable.

No, she's not harping me. We
haven't even talked about it.

I just knew she'd like it
and I wanted to surprise her.

So, you came up with this
camping thing all by yourself?

Yep. Thought it'd make her happy.

Hmm.

And apparently make me look like an
idiot and maybe burn down the woods.

I'm gonna get some air.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

So, he doesn't like camping?

No.

And she hasn't been nagging
him to take her, huh?

No.

So, why the hell would he
put himself through all this?

I guess he loves his wife.

I'm sure he does. (Chuckles)

Yeah, I remember what that's like.

(Chuckles)

No, I don't.

I guess that's why they
call them ex-wives, huh?

Hi.

Vanessa Baxter for the Baxter family
here to talk about being a mom.

Mother's Day is coming up, so, kids,
be sure to mark your calendars.

And then forget until the last second,

run out and buy a card
at the all-night CVS.

Being a mom is hard.

Every time you get sick, we get sick.

Except nobody makes us soup.

One of the hardest parts of being a mom

is watching your kids grow
up and stop needing you.

Well, let's face it.
Adults don't need mothers.

They already know how to use a sweater!

So, is it possible for moms

to have a strong relationship
with grown children?

Yeah, I think it is. Consider the orca.

It's one of nature's
most beautiful creatures.

An orca lives its whole
life at its mother's side,

and they don't have any problem with that.

No orca has ever been excluded from shark
hunting because her daughter said,

"It's not really the kind of
thing you do with your mom."

Well, how can humans stay that close?

The best way is to make sure
your relationship evolves.

So, Mandy, Kristin, Eve, maybe you don't
see me as someone you can do fun,

crazy things with.

But today I am taking the
first step to change that.

Let's hunt some sharks!

My mother never made me soup.

That's why I do this.

Hey, honey. Hi.

Ooh, what'd you do? Are you all right?

I did something really stupid.

I told you that ice cream
truck wouldn't stop for adults.

I got a tattoo.

Oh, sexy.

What is that, a stick?

Well, I was gonna get a
rose, but I just got the stem.

Turns out someone stabbing you with
a motorized needle really hurts.

Be honest with me, whose idea was this?

Yours or your good friend Chardonnay?

Actually, this is your fault.

No, I started writing a vlog

about how I wanted to
change things with the girls,

and then I ended up at a tattoo parlor.

(Chuckles) Yeah, definitely my fault.

You know why I do those vlogs?

I don't like talking to people.

Oh, I know. You like talking at them.

Shh.

You do like talking to
people, and you're good at it.

So why don't you talk about this
whole thing with your daughters?

Oh, for... forget it.

- Vanessa, just...
- Mike...

I'm scared.

I-I'm...

Scared of what?

What if the girls are happy
with me just being their mom?

Hmm?

What if they never want to be friends?

Hit them with that stick on your ankle.

Oh.

No, I'm serious.

My... my mom never wanted
to be friends with me.

Oh, come on, come on.

And if she had, honestly (Sighs)

I'm not sure I would've wanted that.

You're not your mother.

Believe in our kids. I believe in them.

I don't even talk to them that
much and I believe in them.

Maybe that's why I believe in them.

Thanks.

Good.

Okay, good.

Hey, Ryan. Look.

Look what I have for you here.

Top of the line. Look at this.

What's this do?

D-don't...
d-don't push that.

The Coast Guard will show up.

(Chuckles)

Uh, Ed, this stuff looks really expensive.

Don't you have any cheaper gear I can
ruin and work my way up to this?

(Chuckles) Won't cost you a dime.

It's on me.

You're just giving this to me?

You already paid me for it.

You want to know how?

You know what, you're giving me free stuff.

I am cool leaving it at that.

You taught me a lesson I should've
learned a long time ago

that the best gifts are the
ones that are not asked for.

That's true.

This morning, I bought
tickets for Wendi and me to...

to an exotic bird show.

A loud, smelly affair full of
people more exotic than the birds.

When I gave them to
her... she... she cried.

I-I'm sorry, is this a
sad story or a happy one?

Does she like birds?

She loves birds.

Look, I've given her art,
weekend getaways, jewelry,

but this is the gift
that moved her to tears.

Because what you're
really giving her is you.

She said I was... thoughtful.

This is really great, but I still
don't know how to use any of it.

Oh, you will.

All of this is more user friendly,

and I've assigned you
the best instructor... me.

I can't ask you to do that, Ed.

You didn't ask. That's
why it's a fantastic gift.

You really are a thoughtful man.

(Voice breaking) Let's put up the tent.

(Coughs) Okay?

Hold this end. That's it. Thank you.

VANESSA: Mandy, Kristin, Eve,

maybe you don't see me as someone

you can do fun, crazy things with.

But today I am taking the
first step to change that.

Let's hunt some sharks!

So?

Say something.

That... is... hysterical.

(Laughter)

Well, I'm glad potentially
crippling myself is so amusing.

Guys, we have to tell her.

Can we tell her with a vlog?

(Chuckles)

Tell me what?

Mom, we didn't want to get
tattoos with you that night

because... well, we... we
kind of already got them.

(Vocalizes)

See? They're your initials.

Although my "B" kind of looks like a "D."

The guy kept looking into my eyes.

The first time I had to
be like, "Hey, hey, hey!

Eyes down there."

I wanted to get an eagle with a
machine gun, but I was out-voted.

Anyway... -You guys got my initials?

It was supposed to be
your Mother's Day gift.

We didn't want to get tattoos with you

because we were just afraid
that you would see these.

Yeah, we're totally down
to hang out with you, Mom.

You'll always be the
whale swimming beside us.

Yeah, she means we love you.

And now we can think about
you every time we put on socks.

Come here. Come here.

I'm out of hugging range. Score.

No, come on. Over here. Come here.

(Chuckles)

This is the best gift ever.

I love you girls so, so much.

Oh, and there actually
was another part to it.

A gift certificate so that
you can get a matching tattoo

with our initials, though
I'm guessing you might not

want to go back there now.

Or we could just do it here prison style.

Razor and a Bic pen.

I am going because that is the kind
of thing you do with your friends.

Honey. -What?

Guess what.

The girls all got tattoos.

Ha ha.

Well, that's it.

I don't want them hanging
out with you anymore.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

What's more painful than not
feeling needed by your children?

Well, getting a tattoo and still not
feeling needed by your children.

Making a choice you'll have to live
with for the rest of your life

should involve a lot more
thought and very little tequila.

Covering your back with a
portrait of President Marco Rubio

is probably something you'll
regret a year from now.

When you're in one of Donald
Trump's internment camps.

Probably safer to get a tattoo in
honor of someone you'll always love

like your mom or your kids.

Still, it's kind of weird to
deface your body to show you care.

It's... it's like, "I love you so
much, I'm gonna go key my own car."

So, before you engrave
something on your skin,

imagine yourself looking at
it in the mirror in 20 years.

Or two.

Or just after the tequila wears off.

And cut!

(Cheers and applause)

Guy's a genius.

Very good! You're very good!

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