All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s05e02 Free Range Parents

I can't believe mom still
gets actual magazines.

You can get all this stuff on your iPad.

Wait...

Try that with an iPad.

Uh, I did. That's why
I'm reading a magazine.

Ooh! Look! A review of
the new Ryan Gosling movie.

Don't read that... we're
supposed to be surprised

when we see it with mom tomorrow.

Yeahhhhh.

The thing is... I kind of already saw it.

Mandy! We promised!

Now mom's gonna look at us
with those big, sad anime eyes.

We just won't tell her, all right?

It'll be fine. Just don't crack, okay?

Me? Crack?

Please.

Hi. What are you guys doing?

Uh, just making a sandwich.

Geez, mom, get off our backs.

Eve is just mad 'cause
we ran out of mayonnaise.

How was your day?

I'm a teacher.

If I reach just one
student, it's a good day.

Today was a bad day.

So, you excited to see
the new Ryan Gosling movie?

Yeah, I can't wait.

I mean, I can wait.

I can definitely wait, right?

Hey, what did happen
to all that mayonnaise?

(Door opens)

Hey, Ryan. Where's Boyd?

Oh, I thought I was gonna get hung up at
work, so I asked Mike to pick him up.

But then I finished my
beer delivery super-fast.

Oh. Were all of your
deliveries "light" beer?

(Laughs)

(Sighing) Ah, jokes.

Hey, speaking of which, where are they?

School let out a half-hour ago.

Dad might be lecturing the
history teacher... again.

(Laughs)

"Light beer." So it was easier to carry.

Right! That's a good one.

Hi, dad.

The line of cars for pickup
was three stupid blocks,

so grandpa parked his damn
car, and we walked home.

It was a private conversation!

Nice.

Yeah, that car line is getting really slow.

And laying on your horn
doesn't do any good.

Look, he's six blocks from
here. Let him walk home.

Mike, we've talked about this, okay?

I think it's way too dangerous.

You think everything's dangerous.

You know, it's starting
to rub off on that kid.

He looked at an ice cream truck, and
he called it "the diabetes wagon."

Well, it is, okay?

Do you want to know why
kids scream for ice cream?

Because they're dying.

Well, all of our kids walked home from
Clark every day without any problems.

Mm. Except for our little brother Oliver.

Oh, but it's only been five years.

Little Ollie might still turn up.

You know what, don't even joke
about stuff like that, okay?

There are child abductions all the time.

That's why I don't buy into the
whole free-range parenting thing.

Okay, what is that?

Is that where, like,
the kids live on the farm

and learn to make wooden furniture?

Or wait... what's Amish?

It's this new movement where parents are

letting their kids play
outside unsupervised.

We used to call that "childhood."

I just don't see the upside in
letting Boyd walk home, all right?

You know what, I work with
children every day, Ryan,

and they need to be given responsibility.

I mean, a good kick in
the ass would be better,

but then I would be "unfit as an educator."

That was fun today. Can I
walk home by myself tomorrow?

Uh, I don't know about that, buddy.

Come on, dad. Please?

I'll help you save the whales.

We won't serve whale at Outdoor Man Grill.

Fine. Okay? We will try it.

Cool!

But look, you come right
home after school, okay?

No stopping, no talking, no playing.

Sounds like childhood in North Korea.

Where you're probably allowed
to kick students in the ass.

Lucky.

Well, congratulations.

You get to walk home from school.

Tonight we celebrate with
a big bowl of diabetes.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

What's up, boss?

This is terrible.

Yeah, I know. Work is boring.

Let's go fishing.

No, I'm talking about the
numbers from the kids' section.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, nothing is moving.

I'm thinking of doing
away with the whole thing.

No, don't do that, Mr. Alzate.

We just got all this great new stuff,

like this four-person tree
swing that's all like, "Wow!"

And then these bouncy moon shoes that
are like, "Thoing! Thoing! Thoing!"

And then this water cannon
is all like, "Doosh!"

I need to go field-test this.

This is your market right here...

26-year-olds that
live under power wires.

His whole brain is "Bvvvvvt."

Dad, did you finish the new
ad layout for the restaurant?

I need to get it to the newspaper by 3:00.

By 3:00? You better get it there by 2:00.

The newspaper might be
out of business by then.

Ha ha.

Hey, so, uh, Ryan tells me you talked
him into letting Boyd walk home today?

Yeah.

And since I'm on a roll, maybe we could work
on getting more gluten back in your life.

Ha ha ha. No, this is good.

I've been trying to get him to let
Boyd have a little more independence.

No, this... this is exactly
why we're not selling toys here.

These parents are too
overprotective nowadays.

My mom once for a birthday
party gave me a plastic gun.

On the box, it said "a
great way to put out an eye."

Okay, Ryan means well.

He just watches the news too much.

The lefty news.

All they're scared about is free
enterprise might make somebody rich.

People being scared is not the problem.

No, no. It's an opportunity.

I'm thinking of turning this whole
section into a sales area for preppers.

Preppers?

You mean the people who
hoard food and batteries

and have hidden shelters
up in the mountains?

The good ones can
withstand nuclear weapons.

(Chuckles)

There's a word for people like that.

(Chuckles nervously) Ed's a prepper.

And that word is "smart."

And "rational." T-there's two words.

What do you got in that shelter now,
Ed, besides hand grenades and scotch?

A Bible and a Koran.

A Koran?

Yeah. I'm not quite sure which
way this thing is gonna go.

Seriously?

Ed is one of those crazies who has a
secret bunker up in the mountains?

Your mom and I have
one up in the mountains.

You do? Where?

Nice try.

And done.

I just bought our movie tickets online.

Isn't it great that we can do that now?

We're like the Jetsons.

That's great, mom.

After the movie, we can go
to dinner and talk about it.

That's great, mom.

(Mockingly) "That's great,
mom. That's great, mom."

Nothing mom says is great.
Stop acting so suspicious.

I'm sorry.

It's just that every time
she mentions the movie,

I'm afraid I'll slip and blurt out that
Ryan Gosling's girlfriend is the killer.

Wait ...what?

Yes. (Sighs) I saw the movie.

No... his girlfriend's the killer?

That makes total sense now.

Wait... you saw the movie?

Yeah. Didn't you?

I thought I did.

We're horrible daughters.
What should we do?

I mean, I guess we could
tell her that we saw the movie

but we're still happy to go with her.

No, going to a movie with
someone who's already seen it

is like sitting in the back of a car
while the people in front make out.

Okay, would you please let that go?

Kyle and I forgot you were there.

Hey. What are you doing home so early?

I live here.

Why don't you tell your boyfriend
to leave out the bedroom window?

I know, I know.

You want to be here
for when Boyd gets home.

I think it's nice, honey.

Well, I wasn't shooting for "nice,"

but sometimes it just
happens, you know, by accident.

(Knock on door)

Chuck: Baxter!

Oh.

Hey, Chuck. Come on in.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey, well, just so you guys know,
a couple of my customers reported

some suspicious activity
down at Clark elementary.

What are you talking about?
What do you mean? What happened?

Some weird guy lurking around.

It's okay. We ...we got him.

You call the cops?

Well, I figured that was up to you.

Why's it up to us?

(Chuckles)

I could've just had him walk up
with me, but this was way more fun.

This is unbelievable.

So, when you told Boyd to avoid creeps,
you were talking about yourself.

I was not being creepy.

Except for hiding in the bushes.

Yeah, what's that?

No, I wasn't hiding in the bushes, okay?

I was...

Nestling in the branches.

Branch nestling.

Not cool.

Mom, we better leave if you want to
have time to look at the snacks for 10

minutes and say, "eh, I probably
shouldn't, but I did work out this week."

Yeah, we don't want to miss the
beginning of the movie, right?

Meh. (Chuckles)

Let me get this straight.

So, when you said he could
walk home from school,

you were planning all along
to follow him home in the car.

I was not planning on it, okay?

I was driving here, and then I passed
the school, and I saw the bush.

So, you know, I-I took it as a sign.

So, you only listen to God when he
tells you to do something stupid?

Yeah, you know what?

This has been really fun,
but I'm gonna go pick up Boyd.

All right, but if I get another
complaint, I'm using the taser.

But you know what? That
might be fun. Go ahead, man.

Come on. No, wait a minute.
You're not going anywhere.

Sit here and relax.

We'll wait for Boyd to come home.

Why don't you stick around? I
might need to use that taser.

All right, good job getting
this set up so fast, Kyle.

Oh, thank you, sir. Yeah.

All right, we're gonna open it up with Q&A.

To make sure I get the right q's,
I want you to read from these.

Got it. All right.

Good, good, good.

Did you write these left-handed?

I was in a hurry.

Okay.

Let's do this now.

(Clears throat)

Thank you, folks. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, please, uh, silence your cellphones.

But if one goes off, it's not
the end of the world, so...

Let's open it up to some questions now.

Uh... y-young man in the back.

Ah, yes, uh, thank you, sir. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Uh, maybe I'm just an
old-fashioned skee pig.

(Chuckles)

Um, I-I think you mean "skeptic."

Yes? Yes.

Yes. All right. G-go on, go on. Go ahead.

But is the world really
as scary as you believe?

(Chuckling) No. No, no, no, no.

It's scarier.

That's right.

There are... there are many apocalyptic
versions of the end of the world here.

You know, there are airborne diseases.

All right, there's invasion from
another country, outer space.

Oh, you mean like space aliens?

No, like the sun.

It emits solar flares, and
if one ever hits the earth,

it would cut out all communications.

What can we do to stop it?

Nothing.

But we can prepare, all right?

So, g-go on, go on. Go on.

Okay, uh, what do we need to know about

the... Yellowstone super volcano?

(Chuckles) Well, you all
know that most of Wyoming

is a colossal volcanic crater.

But my grandma just booked
a bus trip to Yellowstone.

Easy. Easy, son. Easy, easy.

Easy, son. (Chuckles)

The volcano last erupted
174,000 years ago, so...

Well, that means it's due.

Well, possibly, possibly.

The, uh... last summer,

the... the ground temperature
in Yellowstone got so hot

that the roads started to melt.

And my grandma wears crocs.

Okay, I'm not getting a signal.

It's a solar flare!

All right, I'm coming, grandma!

Don't listen...

okay, uh, folks, just
...just re... just relax.

Okay, it's 2:45 now,
school's just letting out,

so he needs two, three minutes to gather
his stuff, seven-minute walk home,

so he should be home between 2:54 and 2:56.

Yeah, that's probably right.

8-year-old with a
first taste of freedom.

I'm sure he'll come straight home.

Your kid's walking home
from elementary school,

not crossing out of the
green zone in Baghdad.

It's just parents today.

They can't leave the
kids out of their sight.

Ugh.

When I was a kid, we'd
leave home in the morning,

wouldn't come back till dinner.

My dad said, "stay out until
the streetlights come out" and

we lived in a neighborhood
that didn't have streetlights.

Yeah, next thing you're gonna tell
me is you didn't wear sunscreen.

No, no, no, we had sunscreen, but
we used to put it between two Oreos

and feed it to our little brother.

We coated my little brother's
head with peanut butter.

Then we realized he had
a bad peanut allergy.

What are you looking at?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just, uh, I'm checking
my, uh, fantasy... Athletes.

Are you, now?

Can I have my phone, please?

What's the blinking-dot athlete?
Who is that athlete?

You put a GPS on your kid.

I attached it to his clothing, yes.

(Laughs)

Why don't you just chip
him, like a little puppy?

Okay, fine. You know what?

Maybe I'm not as brave as you guys,
but at least I know where my son is.

Mm. Yeah.

You should be happy. He's
heading out of school. Yep.

Just like you said, but he's, uh...

Going towards cherry street, which is...

That... that's the wrong way.

Yeah, well, he's probably, you know,
talking to a girl or chasing a butterfly.

At 35 miles an hour?

He's not that fast.

Little problem, actually.

I'll drive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

I made it!

Hello?

I knew this was gonna happen.

Listen, get a grip, all right?

There's a perfectly good
explanation for this.

Yeah, he's been kidnapped!

You know, I bet you it's ISIS.

They want recruits, and they've seen
how good he is on the monkey bars.

Listen, stop panicking, or
I'm gonna have to slap you,

and I don't think I'll be able to stop!

Can we please just be going faster?

He's got a point, Mr. Flintstone.

Make with the feet.

You just keep your eyes
on that GPS, Baxter.

The police are on their way.

Listen, if... if I got
it right, he's in, um...

That van right there.

Oh, my God! He's in a van?!

(Siren wailing) Here come the cops.

Shoot the tires! Shoot the driver!

Just start shooting!

Or they could start shooting
that bumper sticker that says

"My child is an honor
student at Clark Elementary"!

What?

Ohhh.

(Siren chirps)

Oh, is that the Gundersons' van?

Mm.

We'll know in a second. The
cops are pulling them over.

(Chuckles)

Hey, Jeffrey.

(Chuckles) Jeffrey's mom is
now facedown on the asphalt.

A nice, middle-aged white lady.

You don't see that every day.

I'm so excited to see this!

Hey, do you think he takes his shirt off?

Twice. What?

Probably. I mean, I don't know.

Geez, mom, keep it in your pants.

Oh, I wonder if I have
time to go to the snack bar.

I mean, I really shouldn't, but
I did work out this week, so...

Go ahead. Nothing much happens
in the first 20 minutes anyway.

What?

I mean, of any movie. Everybody knows that.

Hey, did you ever buy that mayonnaise?

What... what... what's going on, Mandy?

Uhhhh...

Eve saw the movie.

Eve!

Oh. Uh, s-so did Mandy.

Mandy!

So did Eve!

Well, why'd you guys do that?

Mom, so we saw the movie.
What's the big deal?

Well, I'll tell you what the big deal is.

I-I just... it's starting.

(Sighs)

It's a big deal because
this was our last tradition.

(Sighs)

We don't have tea parties
or go on bike rides

or do any of that stuff anymore.

This... this was the one thing we had left,

and you guys, you couldn't
respect that enough to wait?

Woman: Shh!

I'm parenting!

Now we... we don't have the fun
of experiencing this together.

It's... it's like you guys
are just doing me a favor.

It's not a favor.

We knew you wanted to see it,
and we wanted to be with you.

Woman: Be with her somewhere else!

Just eat your popcorn!

I just... I really love
spending time with you girls.

We love spending time with you, too, mom.

I hope so.

I hope you guys always feel that way.

Of course we will.

I don't know if you've figured
this out yet, but we love you.

You guys.

(Both chuckle)

Hey!

Wha... hey! Who threw that at my mom?

You know what? Let's
just go get some dinner.

We'll tell you what happens
in the movie. Please?

Okay, yeah, you know what?
Let's go. Let's go. Okay.

Okay. All right. Fine.

Yeah.

Enjoy your movie.

The girlfriend is the killer.

How did you know that?

(Scoffs) Never mind. Just...

(Video game beeping)

He's here.

Where were you guys?
I was worried about you.

(Sighs)

I love you so much.

O-kay.

Look, we were chasing
after the kid who had this.

You traded your jacket for a skateboard?

Yeah... with Jeffrey.

How did you know?

'Cause Jeffrey's mom was screaming about
it from the back of a patrol car.

Go get the rest of your stuff, all right?

We're gonna go home.

(Sighs) I am such an idiot.

If you're waiting for me to disagree,
it's gonna be a long night.

Hey, don't beat yourself up.

You know what, actually? I
would like to beat you up.

Wow, you want to shoot the
Gundersons, you want to beat me up.

What, did you have meat today?

None of this would've happened

if you hadn't convinced me
to let Boyd walk home alone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's remember something
...nothing happened.

Yeah, nothing happened this time.

You can't live your life in fear like this.

You know what? Watch me.

I'm sorry, Mike, but when
we were chasing that van,

the only thing I could think about

was every scary story
I've ever seen on the news.

Because that's what the news does!

It's their job to scare you
...disease, disaster, violence.

They make everybody think we're
living on one big cruise ship.

So you're gonna tell me
that you were 100% sure

that Boyd was safe the whole time?

No, I'm not gonna say that, but the
scared part of me had to be quiet

so the other part of me could
figure out what to do about it.

Well, you know what?

I guess the scared part
of me is just too loud.

Look, I know the news media is
supposed to manipulate my emotions,

but guess what ...it works.

Boyd is done walking
home alone from school.

Well, we're gonna start eating whale!

(Keyboard clacking)

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man
here to talk about scare tactics.

Sadly, they work.

I'm just enjoying some mixed nut...

Oh.

You see, the part of the
brain that triggers fear

works faster than the
part that controls reason.

For some people... little
kids who are afraid of the dark

and certain son-in-laws
who are afraid of...

Well, just about everything,

the reason part of the
brain never really kicks in.

As a contrast, animals don't have reason.

That's why the stupid coyote
always ends up in midair

holding that stick of dynamite.

(Cries mockingly)

And that's why my dog panics
every time the doorbell rings.

He goes nuts, and I try to explain to him,

"listen, burglars don't ring the doorbell."

And you just get that look from the dog.

Human beings are blessed with reason.

But it's harder to use it

when the media bombards you
with terrifying images...

tsunamis, plane crashes,
the new colonel Sanders.

That's why I'm declaring
Outdoor Man a fear-free zone,

because we don't sell fear.

We sell courage, we sell
engagement between man and nature

in the form of kayaks, climbing gear,

and... on sale this month... casting rods.

You see, the world is kind of
the opposite of Hillary Clinton.

It actually gets less scary
the better you know it.

I'll leave you with a quote.

"Fearless is not the absence of fear.

Fearless is living in spite of those
things that scare you to death."

And what great philosopher said that?

Aristotle?

Schopenhauer?

Descartes?

No, it... it was Taylor Swift.

If that ain't scary, I don't know what is.

Come on, everybody. Seminar's
about ready to begin.

You guys sit here.

Plenty of stuff for the
kids to play with outside.

Yeah, we got a bunch of cool trampolines

that are all like,
"Fong! Fong! Fong! Fong!"

And these slacklines that are like, "Whoa!"

So, who wants to play?

Come on.

So...

Your kids are out there playing,
you'll be in here learning about

how not to be afraid of
them out there playing.

Mike, we could've made a lot of
money on that prepper stuff, Mike.

But I like this.

It's a good thing we're doing for the kids.

Not really doing it for the kids.

Right.

Hi. Hey.

Is, uh, there supervision out there?

Kyle's out there, so no.

You sure you want to go through with this?

Nope. Not really.

But someone I admire very much
explained to me what "fearless" means.

You watched the Vlog.

No.

I got that one from Taylor Swift.

(Crash)

It's okay. Only me.

Water cannon misfire.

Hey, Kyle.

Hey.

The kids had a super-great
time playing outside today.

(Chuckling) Yeah.

What about that kid that almost started
crying when we said it was all over?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah.

I was just really having fun.

Mr. Alzate's seminar was good, too.

I think so. Yeah.

In fact, I might do one
of those secret shelters.

What? Build it yourself?

I mean, you're not that handy with tools

after the incident with
the needle-nose pliers.

Not my fault.

Okay, if that's not how
you're supposed to use them,

then don't put the word "nose" in the name.

Besides, I'm not gonna build it myself.

I'll hire people.

Of course you'll hire people.

Now, you got a group of
electricians, carpenters,

and plumbers helping you build
it, and after you're finished,

all you got to do is kill them all.

What? No.

You have to, 'cause otherwise,
it wouldn't be secret, would it?

Oh, you're right. Yeah.

Oh, man. The place will
be swarming with people.

Exactly.

Then where am I supposed to go?

Well, Vanessa and I have a secret shelter.

Oh, awesome. Where is it?

Nice try.

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