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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,570
"Last Man Standing" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
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I can't believe you left
that guy my number.
3
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:08,107
You weren't going to.
4
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:10,309
Because he drives a minivan
with a dent in it.
5
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:13,012
- You were the one who dented it.
- Wait. W-w-wait. Hold it.
6
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,313
Mandy, you dented a car?
7
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A parked car.
8
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In her defense, she was
swerving to avoid a tree.
9
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,319
And you weren't gonna leave a note?
10
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,487
Oh, what was I supposed to say?
11
00:00:21,488 --> 00:00:23,322
"Uh, sorry that I hit your car.
12
00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:25,157
Uh, here's my number."
13
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:27,026
- Yes.
- Yes.
14
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,027
Okay, if I had to stop
15
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,162
and leave notes on everything
that I've banged into,
16
00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:32,164
I would never get anywhere.
17
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:34,033
Come on, Mandy. You know better than that.
18
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,102
W-what's your dad always
going on and on about?
19
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:38,604
Mm, Obama, Benghazi,
"When are the Yekekians
20
00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:41,140
going to take down their Christmas lights?"
21
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Personal responsibility.
22
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,043
Oh, right.
23
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,012
I think that part kind of
gets lost in all the crazy.
24
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,146
Hey, hey. Hi.
25
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What the heck happened to your car?
26
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,616
[chuckles] You should see the other guy.
[door closes]
27
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,285
That's not a boast you
should make to the guy
28
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,420
paying for your insurance.
29
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,422
She bumped a parked car. But don't worry.
30
00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:59,125
- I did the right thing, and I left a note.
- I left a note.
31
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- Why are you leaving the note?
- Hey, what's the deal
32
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:01,994
with the Yekekians and their
Christmas lights, though?
33
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[chuckling] Am I right?
34
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,097
Yeah, I was telling her, honey,
35
00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,066
owning up to your mistakes
is its own reward.
36
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,734
It's called integrity.
37
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,570
It's something Obama doesn't have
with that Benghazi thing. Okay.
38
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,971
But still... You know... you know what?
39
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,639
When are the Yekekians
gonna take those stupid
40
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,175
- Christmas lights down?
- I don't know.
41
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,110
Why is Eve writing notes for her?
42
00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:20,980
Uh, Mandy wouldn't do it.
I'm so disappointed in her.
43
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:24,016
Well, at least the good one
knows right from wrong.
44
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Oh. All our girls are equally good.
45
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,753
Oh, yeah. Keep beating that drum.
46
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[doorbell rings]
47
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,990
[sighs]
48
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,158
- Baxter.
- Hey.
49
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,759
Hey, what are you bringing
50
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,661
this mangy critter over here for?
51
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Lady's a purebred German shepherd.
52
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I was talking to Lady.
53
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VANESSA: Oh. Come on.
54
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Seriously, Mike. Come on in, Chuck.
55
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[sighs] Okay.
56
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Well, we can't stay long because...
57
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,641
[sighs] ...I don't want to.
58
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Listen, I went to the breeders today,
59
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:52,545
and a funny thing...
60
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,214
it turns out Lady is already pregnant.
61
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,350
Now, how do you think
that happened, Baxter?
62
00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:01,021
Well, when, uh... When two
dogs really love each other...
63
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,323
...And they have enough tequila...
64
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[sighs] I never leave her around male dogs.
65
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:10,029
Then, I remember when Eve volunteered
66
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,497
to watch Lady for the weekend.
67
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:12,698
Yeah.
68
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:15,535
There is one dog she might
have had contact with.
69
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:20,706
Oh. [chuckling] Oh.
70
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:23,075
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
71
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Muffin is less a dog than a throw pillow.
72
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Oh.
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[chuckling] And, number
two, Muffin is a girl.
74
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,218
Uh, honey, you're... you're kidding, right?
75
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Muffin's a male.
76
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,624
S-s-since when?
77
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Well...
78
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,062
you never checked your dog's
undercarriage, Baxter?
79
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:45,398
We don't have that kind of relationship.
80
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:48,200
Come here. Come here. Come
here just for a second.
81
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:49,535
Let me see you. [sighs]
82
00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:51,537
It's mostly fluff down there.
83
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:54,206
Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine.
84
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:55,708
Yeah, well, look close.
85
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,146
They're a lot tinier on the white ones.
86
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,115
I'll be damned.
87
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,985
Oh. Well, kind of makes
me a little uncomfortable
88
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,354
with all the naps we've taken together.
89
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,091
I feel weird that you
feel weird about that.
90
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,360
How is that dog not fixed, Baxter?
91
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:17,164
Has Sarah McLachlan taught
you people nothing?
92
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,066
Wait... the... hold...
let's get this straight.
93
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,367
You brought a dog in heat
94
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,369
into a home with a well-known player.
95
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Give me five.
96
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,074
I only allow Lady to breed
97
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,342
with other purebred German shepherds.
98
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:33,079
Well, maybe you should teach
Lady how to say, "Nein!"
99
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:37,650
I get like $500 or $600
apiece for Lady's pups.
100
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:41,020
Sweet. What's our cut of that?
101
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,323
Nobody is gonna want whatever
weird monster babies
102
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,325
come out of her now!
103
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Half German shepherd, half... dust bunny!
104
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W-what are you planning on
doing about this, Baxter?
105
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,366
Are you absolutely sure
106
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,035
she hasn't been with any other dogs?
107
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What are you suggesting?
108
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,209
That Lady... is a tramp.
109
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,645
Walk around the neighborhood
in a fur coat with no pants...
110
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,380
What did you expect was gonna happen?
111
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:12,051
What do you want, Baxter, a paternity test?
112
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That's a good idea.
113
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,454
Maybe later on, Muffin
and I stop by your house
114
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and drop a DNA sample on your front lawn.
115
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Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
116
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I'm just having trouble
117
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,236
picturing how this was possible
between Muffin and Lady.
118
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:33,072
Well, Muffin's a resourceful
little guy, you know?
119
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,541
Maybe he got up on the picnic table.
120
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:38,544
Which I will no longer be eating off of.
121
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:42,148
And maybe they, uh, did it "people style."
122
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you know what, honey?
123
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We got to make this right
with the Larabees.
124
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,020
Carol is my closest friend
in the neighborhood.
125
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,756
This is on Lady for not being careful.
126
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:52,091
Because, when it comes to birth control,
127
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the female bears total responsibility.
128
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,307
Well, if she doesn't want
to bear puppies, she does.
129
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,231
Oh, my God. Bear puppies are so cute.
130
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,466
[laughs]
131
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,601
Muffin is gonna make such a great dad.
Aren't you?
132
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,270
"Hey! You kids knock it off back there,
133
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,438
"or I'm gonna turn this car right around!
134
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:07,606
Stop!"
135
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:10,476
Uh, so, what's gonna
happen with the puppies?
136
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,011
Uh, what puppies?
137
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:15,247
Oh, uh, Muffin knocked up the
Larabees' German shepherd.
138
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:18,151
[sighs] And, look, didn't skip town.
139
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,020
Boyd, it's time for dinner, sweetie.
140
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:24,290
So, Muffin impregnated a
dog four times his size?
141
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:27,160
Tom Cruise knocked up Katie Holmes.
142
00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:31,163
Anything is possible. [chuckles]
143
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,665
I didn't even know Muffin was a male.
144
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:36,468
See? He fools everybody with
that squat-and-pee thing.
145
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,003
Well... First thing's first...
146
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,572
we really should get him neutered.
147
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,407
Take his nuts off? Oh, honey.
148
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:44,076
After what those little
nuggets accomplished?
149
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,745
Hey. Nobody answered me. What's
gonna happen with the puppies?
150
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:49,014
Well [sighs] the Larabees will probably try
151
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,282
to find them good homes.
152
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,517
Which will be tricky
153
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,485
'cause nobody really wants
a Maltese shepherd.
154
00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:54,520
A Germ-tese.
155
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,355
Mal... Mall-turd? [chuckles]
156
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,357
Okay, so, if they can't find homes...
157
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,125
Well, if they can't find homes,
158
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:01,627
then they'll end up at the pound,
159
00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:03,362
and they'll probably be just destr...
160
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,364
H-hey. hi. hey.
161
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,532
Uh, did, uh...
162
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:07,700
maybe you should wash your hands, honey.
163
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,201
- Yeah.
- I already washed them.
164
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,536
Did those fingers end up
in your nose since then?
165
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,539
- Only these two.
- Aah.
166
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,708
Go, go, go. Wash them again. Let's go.
167
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:16,709
[sighs]
168
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,077
There's very little chance
169
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,545
those puppies will end up in the pound.
170
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:20,613
Oh. That's a relief.
171
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,715
He's just gonna terminate the pregnancy.
172
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,416
- Oh, Dad, what?
- Oh, Mike. Come on.
173
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,118
Well, that's what happens...
they'll get rid of the babies
174
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,586
so she can go through
another breeding cycle.
175
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:28,721
That's just what happens, guys.
176
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,989
Well, we can't let him do that.
177
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,423
Dad, we have to save them.
178
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:34,093
Don't we have any rights?
Muffin is the father.
179
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,262
Wait a minute, are you saying
someone other than the mother
180
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:38,530
has rights during the pregnancy?
181
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:42,234
"One of my puppies could
grow up to cure cancer!"
182
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,369
I am just saying
183
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,704
that you and Chuck should
work something out.
184
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,106
No, no. No, no.
185
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,508
This is a choice between
Lady and her physician.
186
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:52,077
Maybe she's not ready to have children.
187
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,279
Maybe this is an inconvenient time.
188
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,147
Maybe she wants to go back to
obedience school, you know?
189
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,116
Whatever.
190
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,018
The father has no rights
when it comes to pregnancy.
191
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,587
Yeah, but he has plenty to
say before the pregnancy.
192
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,422
By using birth control or self-control...
193
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,292
- two things guys kind of stink at.
- Amen.
194
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,027
It sounds like someone's trying
195
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,095
to ditch out on their
responsibilities, Mike.
196
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,231
I didn't get the dog pregnant.
197
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,401
I didn't even know Muffin
had the equipment.
198
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,369
All right. Let's pray. We eat.
199
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,404
[cellphone rings] Sorry.
200
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,039
Please, put the phones down.
201
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,308
[inhale sharply] Oh, no.
It's an unknown number.
202
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,976
Oh, I bet it's that car you bumped.
203
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,445
Mandy, answer it.
You can't run away from it.
204
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,114
Hi. This is Mandy Baxter.
205
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,249
Hey, hey, hey.
206
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,418
See if he wants a monster puppy as payment.
207
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,087
Stop.
208
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,663
[doorbell rings]
209
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,435
Oh. Hey, Carol. Is Chuck around?
210
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:51,270
Sorry, Mike. He's not here.
211
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,105
Oh, okay, would you tell
him that Vanessa and I
212
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:57,710
figured it probably was Muffin
that got his freak on with Lady?
213
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,345
Oh, well, Lady is a big girl,
214
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:02,147
and by that I mean she
probably didn't notice.
215
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,117
Um, well, w-whatever the costs,
216
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,019
- w-we'll share them with you.
- Okay.
217
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,488
'Cause it's... you know, it's
It's the right thing to do.
218
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,557
- Fine.
- You're welcome.
219
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,691
I didn't say "Thank you."
220
00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:16,662
I know you didn't, but... you're welcome.
221
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,030
Listen. [chuckles]
222
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,331
I'll tell Chuck. I promise.
223
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,633
But I'm not quite sure when
I'm gonna see him again.
224
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:23,168
Ah, don't worry. I'm sure he'll come back.
225
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,470
Don't let the statistics scare you.
226
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:25,638
[chuckles]
227
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:31,310
That's... that's a kind
of joke Chuck enjoys.
228
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:33,979
Mm. He really doesn't.
229
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:36,382
But he's not here. He moved out.
230
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,150
Out?
231
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,185
Out... almost a week ago.
232
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,054
I'm sorry to hear that. I really am.
233
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,389
So, um, if you don't mind me asking,
234
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:44,723
where... where did he move to?
235
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,725
He's staying temporarily
over at the Pinewood,
236
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:49,161
those furnished apartments
you can rent by the week.
237
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,162
Ri... [laughs]
238
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,296
It's funny 'cause a lot of guys
239
00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:54,333
rent those by the by the hour 'cause the...
240
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:57,469
I don't... I'm s... I don't
...I don't... I don't...
241
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,439
I don't think Chuck did
it that way, though.
242
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,713
- Hey.
- Hi.
243
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:09,649
So... how pissed was the guy about his car.
244
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,683
Did he yell? Did he slap you?
245
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,152
You know what?
246
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,754
He was actually really
impressed that I left a note.
247
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,523
But I left the note.
248
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:19,525
Yeah, it turns out that he
owns that electronics store
249
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,060
where we parked,
250
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:24,563
and he said that my honesty
restored his faith in humanity.
251
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,599
And then he gathered all
of his employees around.
252
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,269
And... they slapped you?
253
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,603
They applauded me.
254
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:32,738
And then...
255
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,406
He gave me an iPad!
256
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,042
What? Yeah!
257
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,677
Yeah, he said I should be
rewarded for my integrity.
258
00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:41,980
Mm-hmm. But it's my
integrity, so it's my iPad.
259
00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:43,615
Ooh, Eve, Eve, Eve. No.
260
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:44,716
Just try being a better person.
261
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,186
Good things will happen to you, too.
262
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,121
[sighs]
263
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,322
Hey, honey? Yeah?
264
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,091
Good night, girls. Good night.
BOTH: Good night.
265
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,725
You ready for bed? As a
matter of fact, I am.
266
00:09:53,726 --> 00:09:55,594
But you know what? I'm gonna
get some cereal. I'll be up.
267
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,729
Okay. Oh, hey. You know what?
268
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,665
You never told me how
things went with Chuck.
269
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,400
Are you two, uh, all back to normal?
270
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,501
In that we still dislike each other?
271
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,036
That's never gonna change.
272
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,170
He actually wasn't there.
273
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,705
But, uh, Carol gave me his new address.
274
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,373
New address? What new address?
275
00:10:08,374 --> 00:10:10,242
Are the Larabees moving?
276
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,610
Just Chuck.
277
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,145
What?
278
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,514
Hey, are you telling me
that Chuck left Carol?
279
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,282
I don't know. We... we didn't get into it.
280
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,319
[gasps] I... [sighs] I'm shocked.
281
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,520
You know, I'm not really shocked.
282
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:22,588
I think she woke up one day
283
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:26,091
and went, "Damn, I'm married to Chuck?"
284
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:28,760
Either way, honey, this is
none of our business, okay?
285
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:31,430
No. No. I just... I can't
believe she didn't tell me.
286
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,565
I-I just saw her yesterday,
and she never let on.
287
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:36,703
I guess it's true... Black don't crack.
288
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,607
That's not what that means.
289
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:42,741
I asked her if she was okay,
290
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,610
and she had the nerve to say "Fine."
291
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:45,744
But she is fine. No, she
lied right to my face.
292
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:46,979
No, she is fine. No.
293
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,013
She said "Fine" to me, too.
294
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,515
You know that feeling that washes over you
295
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,837
every time Chuck leaves the room?
296
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:53,652
Where are you going?
297
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,654
I'm going to see my dear
friend Carol Larabee.
298
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,722
You know what time it is?
299
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:59,158
No, I just want to make sure she's okay
300
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,593
and that she knows that I
am always there for her.
301
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,296
Don't go over there now!
There's no reason to...
302
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,698
See if she's got milk.
303
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,568
And, hey, watch your step.
304
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,503
I made good on that DNA promise, too.
305
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,040
[sighs]
306
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:19,078
[doorbell rings]
307
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:23,048
Vanessa?
308
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,516
Oh, Carol, honey, Mike told me about Chuck.
309
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,318
You... you must be devastated.
310
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,519
You know, I'm actually
a very private person
311
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,087
when it comes to things like this.
312
00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:30,522
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- I'm hoping you'll understand that.
313
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,357
- But we're friends.
- I didn't think you would.
314
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,493
Come on in.
315
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,694
I know, sweetie. I-I-I hate to intrude.
316
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,197
But how... how are you holding up?
317
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,665
This is probably the
worst of it right here.
318
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:40,966
Yeah.
319
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,201
Yeah, listen, Carol,
320
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,468
you don't have to pretend
to be strong for me.
321
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,470
If there's one thing I've
learned as a military wife,
322
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:47,306
it's how to get along without my husband.
323
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,740
Mm. Yeah. And, with all that moving around,
324
00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:50,309
not to get too close to the neighbors.
325
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,310
So...
326
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,979
Well, wait, listen.
327
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,515
Carol, I mean, w-when did Chuck leave home?
328
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,584
A week ago. What?
329
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,652
A-a week ago? But... but I
just saw you yesterday.
330
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:03,288
We went to a movie. Why...
why didn't you tell me then?
331
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,489
I don't talk in movie theaters.
332
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,557
- I...
- Most of us don't.
333
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,259
- I know, but...
- Tell your friends.
334
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,293
[sighs]
335
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:09,461
Although, I did agree with that woman
336
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,996
who yelled, "Watch out, gravity!
337
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:14,299
Don't let go of that spaceship!"
338
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,434
I'm sorry.
339
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,603
I thought we were... were closer than that.
340
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,438
Well, if you had asked me about
Chuck, I would have told you.
341
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,606
Well... "Asked you?"
342
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:22,641
Well, Carol, I-I-I can't ask
you about every little thing.
343
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,476
I mean, I-I can't ask you
every time I see you
344
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,978
if you have some terrible disease.
345
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,212
[gasps]
346
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:28,714
Please tell me you don't
have a terrible disease!
347
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:30,115
Please. [laughs]
348
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:32,284
If I did, would you stop yelling at me?
349
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,019
Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
350
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,487
I'm sorry, too. Aw.
351
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,556
I mean, I didn't know Chuck
and me having a big fight
352
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,725
- would cause you this much pain.
- No, it's just... No.
353
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:42,261
Oh. [voice breaking] I just...
354
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,730
Oh, I want to be there for you, Carol.
355
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:48,731
And I just... I don't know.
I want you to want me, too.
356
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,536
Oh, come on, honey.
357
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:53,205
[sobbing] There, there.
358
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,642
- Oh, you gonna get over this, girl.
- Ohh.
359
00:13:02,934 --> 00:13:06,303
- Oh, there she is, my good
Samaritan, Mandy. - Hi.
360
00:13:06,304 --> 00:13:07,371
[both laugh]
361
00:13:07,372 --> 00:13:08,672
Don't tell me... you dented my car again.
362
00:13:08,673 --> 00:13:10,007
[laughs]
363
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:11,608
But, of course, you would tell me
364
00:13:11,609 --> 00:13:12,910
because you're such an honest person.
365
00:13:12,911 --> 00:13:15,279
Aww. Yeah, no. I was
really careful this time.
366
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,281
I just parked in the handicapped spot.
367
00:13:17,282 --> 00:13:19,249
Okay.
368
00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:21,251
So, are you enjoying your iPad?
369
00:13:21,252 --> 00:13:22,352
[inhales sharply]
370
00:13:22,353 --> 00:13:24,955
Well... I kind of thought
that it'd have, like,
371
00:13:24,956 --> 00:13:27,291
more gigs and maybe the retina display,
372
00:13:27,292 --> 00:13:29,860
so I was hoping that I could
just return it for cash.
373
00:13:29,861 --> 00:13:32,429
- Let me get this straight.
- Yeah.
374
00:13:32,430 --> 00:13:33,564
- You dent my car.
- Mm-hmm.
375
00:13:33,565 --> 00:13:35,232
And I reward you for your honesty
376
00:13:35,233 --> 00:13:36,600
by giving you a beautiful gift.
377
00:13:36,601 --> 00:13:38,702
Yes, it was beautiful...
378
00:13:38,703 --> 00:13:41,572
but also sort of, like, the base model.
379
00:13:41,573 --> 00:13:43,574
And now you want to return it to me
380
00:13:43,575 --> 00:13:45,242
and expect me to give you cash?
381
00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:47,377
Mm-hmm. That would be great. Thank you.
382
00:13:47,378 --> 00:13:48,579
How dare you?!
383
00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:52,249
Okay, um... Store credit is totally fine.
384
00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,484
Although, like, I'm not
really seeing anything
385
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,320
that I love, but...
386
00:13:56,321 --> 00:13:58,221
You ungrateful criminal.
387
00:13:58,222 --> 00:13:59,356
What?
388
00:13:59,357 --> 00:14:00,791
Everyone, gather 'round.
You remember Mandy.
389
00:14:00,792 --> 00:14:01,959
[applause]
390
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,328
No clapping!
391
00:14:04,329 --> 00:14:05,729
She is no longer our friend.
392
00:14:05,730 --> 00:14:08,332
She is here today throwing
my gift in my face
393
00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:10,534
and breaking my heart.
394
00:14:10,535 --> 00:14:11,535
Give me that. No.
395
00:14:11,536 --> 00:14:13,737
No gift for you.
396
00:14:13,738 --> 00:14:16,740
Ha. Joke's on you because I
didn't even leave that note.
397
00:14:16,741 --> 00:14:18,275
My sister did.
398
00:14:18,276 --> 00:14:19,409
Oh, well, ha.
399
00:14:19,410 --> 00:14:21,411
Joke's back on you because I'm gonna call
400
00:14:21,412 --> 00:14:22,913
your insurance company for that dent.
401
00:14:22,914 --> 00:14:24,281
Oh, ha ha!
402
00:14:24,282 --> 00:14:25,749
Joke's back on you because that bill
403
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:27,284
goes straight to my dad.
404
00:14:27,285 --> 00:14:28,685
Well, ha.
405
00:14:28,686 --> 00:14:30,887
The joke's on you because
you're being towed right now.
406
00:14:33,424 --> 00:14:36,260
So much for your no-hassle return policy.
407
00:14:39,797 --> 00:14:42,332
Doc, I'll bring him over right now.
408
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,600
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
409
00:14:43,601 --> 00:14:45,736
[sighs]
410
00:14:45,737 --> 00:14:47,537
Listen, I'm sorry it's
come to this, Muffin.
411
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,498
I'll give you a few minutes
to kiss them goodbye.
412
00:14:50,708 --> 00:14:52,676
- I'm gonna head out.
- Mm.
413
00:14:52,677 --> 00:14:53,910
You going to the vet?
414
00:14:53,911 --> 00:14:55,746
I can't get this operation off my mind.
415
00:14:55,747 --> 00:14:59,349
Today, at Starbucks, I ordered
a muffin without nuts.
416
00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:01,251
Honey, he'll sleep, and when he wakes up,
417
00:15:01,252 --> 00:15:02,619
he won't even know what happened.
418
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:04,588
He's a guy. He'll know what happened.
419
00:15:04,589 --> 00:15:06,923
If it happened to me,
I'd know what happened.
420
00:15:06,924 --> 00:15:08,925
If it happened to you,
you'd have to figure out
421
00:15:08,926 --> 00:15:10,694
something else to do while you watch TV.
422
00:15:10,695 --> 00:15:13,230
Listen. [sighs]
423
00:15:13,231 --> 00:15:16,400
- Can we please talk about the Larabees?
- This is none of our business.
424
00:15:16,401 --> 00:15:17,668
I tried to get Carol to
open up about it, but...
425
00:15:17,669 --> 00:15:19,636
Because it's none of our business.
426
00:15:19,637 --> 00:15:21,605
Chuck's retirement is the problem.
427
00:15:21,606 --> 00:15:23,940
See, he's around all the
time with nothing to do,
428
00:15:23,941 --> 00:15:25,842
and he pretends it doesn't affect him,
429
00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:28,011
but the guy feels like
he's lost his purpose.
430
00:15:28,012 --> 00:15:29,646
You said you couldn't get her to open up.
431
00:15:29,647 --> 00:15:31,615
Well... I don't know this much about Jesus,
432
00:15:31,616 --> 00:15:33,283
and I read the whole book.
433
00:15:33,284 --> 00:15:35,786
Well... I had to fill
in a lot of the blanks.
434
00:15:35,787 --> 00:15:37,587
Look, I know Carol well enough to know
435
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:38,989
that her pushing me away, it's really...
436
00:15:38,990 --> 00:15:40,457
really a plea for help.
437
00:15:40,458 --> 00:15:43,493
Or a plea for you to go away!
438
00:15:43,494 --> 00:15:44,628
Well, you'll talk to him,
439
00:15:44,629 --> 00:15:46,697
and you'll get Chuck's side of the story.
440
00:15:46,698 --> 00:15:47,664
I don't want Chuck's side of the story!
441
00:15:47,665 --> 00:15:48,765
Why am I involved in this?
442
00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:49,766
Look, the guy is lost.
443
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:51,301
He's over there breeding dogs
444
00:15:51,302 --> 00:15:53,904
because Carol talked him
out of getting chickens.
445
00:15:53,905 --> 00:15:55,338
Listen, you know the won...
446
00:15:55,339 --> 00:15:56,673
wonderful thing about
other people's problems?
447
00:15:56,674 --> 00:15:58,375
They're other people's problems.
448
00:15:58,376 --> 00:15:59,576
Well, you know what?
449
00:15:59,577 --> 00:16:00,577
Do what you want, but the
guy deserves our help.
450
00:16:00,578 --> 00:16:02,913
He's a neighbor, he's a
friend, and he's a vet.
451
00:16:02,914 --> 00:16:04,581
Well, he's not the kind of vet that
could help me out with Muffin.
452
00:16:04,582 --> 00:16:05,650
I'll tell you that.
453
00:16:07,552 --> 00:16:09,653
Oh, come on.
454
00:16:09,654 --> 00:16:11,688
You're gonna have to figure
out something else to do
455
00:16:11,689 --> 00:16:13,357
when you watch TV.
456
00:16:17,695 --> 00:16:20,397
Okay, Lady.
457
00:16:20,398 --> 00:16:22,733
Now, I ran out of brown,
458
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:26,670
so I'm gonna have to paint your eyes green!
459
00:16:26,671 --> 00:16:27,938
[knock on door]
460
00:16:27,939 --> 00:16:30,941
Okay, well, you just stay there.
I'll get it.
461
00:16:30,942 --> 00:16:34,945
If it's an intruder, I'll bite him.
462
00:16:34,946 --> 00:16:36,279
[sighs]
463
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,914
- Come here.
- Bax... Baxter?
464
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:39,449
Hold on a second. Come here!
465
00:16:39,450 --> 00:16:42,552
Come here, you little horn dog!
That's a cat, damn it.
466
00:16:42,553 --> 00:16:44,721
Oh. Geez.
467
00:16:44,722 --> 00:16:46,656
Did you bring him around here to gloat?
468
00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:48,525
No, no. On my way to get him fixed.
469
00:16:48,526 --> 00:16:50,327
I figured, maybe for old time's sakes,
470
00:16:50,328 --> 00:16:51,528
that Lady would toss him one.
471
00:16:51,529 --> 00:16:54,598
[groans] We're not interested.
472
00:16:54,599 --> 00:16:55,932
[door closes] [Lady whines]
473
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,801
I said we're not interested.
474
00:16:57,802 --> 00:16:59,369
Actually, the reason I stopped by...
475
00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:00,737
I don't know what Carol told you,
476
00:17:00,738 --> 00:17:02,906
but I'm willing to take
responsibility for those puppies.
477
00:17:02,907 --> 00:17:04,574
Oh.
478
00:17:04,575 --> 00:17:08,575
I haven't spoken to Carol, but, uh...
but thanks.
479
00:17:09,914 --> 00:17:13,416
And, uh... Oh, when you...
when you spoke to Carol,
480
00:17:13,417 --> 00:17:17,687
did, uh... did she, uh
Did she seem okay?
481
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,422
Yeah, I guess. I didn't talk to her much.
482
00:17:19,423 --> 00:17:21,258
I talked to her boyfriend.
Man, he can cook.
483
00:17:21,259 --> 00:17:23,560
I don't know what he was making.
484
00:17:23,561 --> 00:17:24,795
Painting the den there.
485
00:17:24,796 --> 00:17:27,330
Putting his furniture in it.
[laughs] Oh, Baxter.
486
00:17:27,331 --> 00:17:28,799
I'd really hoped Carol
487
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,502
would get custody of you in the breakup.
488
00:17:32,503 --> 00:17:35,939
You know, I... Enh-enh!
489
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:39,442
Oh, that... Man, that's something, huh?
490
00:17:39,443 --> 00:17:40,577
[sighs]
491
00:17:40,578 --> 00:17:42,646
Which one of you painted this?
492
00:17:42,647 --> 00:17:44,781
It's... it's a new hobby.
493
00:17:44,782 --> 00:17:46,750
I'm not... not really good at hobbies.
[sighs]
494
00:17:46,751 --> 00:17:48,586
Not really good at painting, either.
495
00:17:49,887 --> 00:17:52,756
Chuck... What are you doing here?
496
00:17:52,757 --> 00:17:55,659
I'm trying to enjoy my retirement.
497
00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,828
But my wife thinks I
need to be doing stuff.
498
00:17:57,829 --> 00:17:59,696
I-I don't want to... I don't want to
499
00:17:59,697 --> 00:18:02,265
clean rain gutters or... or build shelves
500
00:18:02,266 --> 00:18:04,601
or plant her a little patch of oregano.
501
00:18:04,602 --> 00:18:06,837
I do not like oregano!
502
00:18:06,838 --> 00:18:08,505
If you garden like you paint,
503
00:18:08,506 --> 00:18:10,006
you won't have to worry about that.
504
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:13,610
The woman won't accept that
I just like to do nothing.
505
00:18:13,611 --> 00:18:14,611
It's understandable.
506
00:18:14,612 --> 00:18:15,912
I mean, you are in your late 40s.
507
00:18:15,913 --> 00:18:18,448
That's generally the time
that men just sit back
508
00:18:18,449 --> 00:18:19,883
and wait to die.
509
00:18:19,884 --> 00:18:23,253
Sometimes, death can
just spring up on a man,
510
00:18:23,254 --> 00:18:25,655
like when he's bothering a Marine.
511
00:18:25,656 --> 00:18:27,991
Listen, I get it.
512
00:18:27,992 --> 00:18:29,693
I get what it's like coming home.
513
00:18:29,694 --> 00:18:31,628
I was on the road for eight
years of my marriage
514
00:18:31,629 --> 00:18:33,430
shooting pictures for Outdoor Man.
515
00:18:33,431 --> 00:18:35,265
Well, unless those pictures
were shooting back,
516
00:18:35,266 --> 00:18:37,367
it's not really the same thing.
517
00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:38,768
I'm talking about when I got him,
518
00:18:38,769 --> 00:18:41,771
my wife had all sorts of ideas
how I should spend my time.
519
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:42,973
[sighs]
520
00:18:42,974 --> 00:18:45,508
Didn't like it, but, I mean,
I didn't just bail out.
521
00:18:45,509 --> 00:18:47,711
[sighs] What do you want me to say, Baxter?
522
00:18:47,712 --> 00:18:49,679
That all I've ever done
is serve my country,
523
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,448
and without it I'm lost?
524
00:18:51,449 --> 00:18:53,617
That my whole identity was
tied up with being a Marine,
525
00:18:53,618 --> 00:18:55,485
and now I don't know who I am?
526
00:18:55,486 --> 00:18:57,754
Or... or... or... Oh, I-I'm afraid.
527
00:18:57,755 --> 00:18:59,289
Oh, yeah, now, that's it. That's it.
528
00:18:59,290 --> 00:19:01,625
I'm afraid to take the next step in my life
529
00:19:01,626 --> 00:19:04,861
because what if I try
something new and I fail?
530
00:19:04,862 --> 00:19:06,731
Uh... Exhibit "A."
531
00:19:07,865 --> 00:19:10,734
I ran out of brown!
532
00:19:10,735 --> 00:19:12,235
Look, I-I got home,
533
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,870
and I had to figure out a
way to reinvent myself.
534
00:19:13,871 --> 00:19:15,572
You got to reinvent yourself.
535
00:19:15,573 --> 00:19:17,707
[sighs] I get it, Baxter.
536
00:19:17,708 --> 00:19:19,276
No, but you can't do it alone.
537
00:19:19,277 --> 00:19:20,877
You got to reinvent yourself around the...
538
00:19:20,878 --> 00:19:22,879
the new platoon you got to spend time with.
539
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,882
It's your wife and kid.
540
00:19:25,883 --> 00:19:27,385
You got to go home, man.
541
00:19:29,587 --> 00:19:30,587
[sighs]
542
00:19:30,588 --> 00:19:32,423
You're welcome.
543
00:19:33,624 --> 00:19:35,558
I didn't say "Thank you."
544
00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:38,361
It's time to go get snipped.
545
00:19:38,362 --> 00:19:40,698
I'm gonna put them on a key chain.
546
00:19:41,599 --> 00:19:44,768
You could have just said
you missed me, Baxter.
547
00:19:44,769 --> 00:19:45,770
Yeah, I could have.
548
00:19:47,471 --> 00:19:49,472
Listen, you might want to
give Carol a courtesy call
549
00:19:49,473 --> 00:19:51,274
in case someone's there
planting her oregano.
550
00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:52,710
[laughs] [door closes]
551
00:19:56,114 --> 00:19:57,981
Hi, there.
552
00:19:57,982 --> 00:20:01,351
Mike "The Moose" Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.
553
00:20:01,352 --> 00:20:03,854
[howls]
554
00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:07,124
Announcing our first annual
marriage-saver sale.
555
00:20:07,125 --> 00:20:08,725
20% off everything
556
00:20:08,726 --> 00:20:12,262
we sell designed to help you
spend time away from home...
557
00:20:12,263 --> 00:20:15,766
Which is pretty much everything
we sell here at Outdoor Man.
558
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:17,768
Because nothing is better for a marriage
559
00:20:17,769 --> 00:20:21,071
than not being around
each other all the time.
560
00:20:21,072 --> 00:20:24,775
Ask a man why he goes to work.
He'll say, "to earn a living."
561
00:20:24,776 --> 00:20:26,910
But come on... with the
internet, these days,
562
00:20:26,911 --> 00:20:30,447
most jobs could be done at home
right next to the little lady.
563
00:20:30,448 --> 00:20:31,882
[chuckles]
564
00:20:31,883 --> 00:20:34,318
"What are you working on?
Want to get some lunch?
565
00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:35,452
"Since you're here,
566
00:20:35,453 --> 00:20:37,287
"can you fix that thing
that isn't really broken
567
00:20:37,288 --> 00:20:39,823
that I just don't know how to use?"
568
00:20:39,824 --> 00:20:42,960
Listen, we all know the guy
who worked for 50 years,
569
00:20:42,961 --> 00:20:45,796
retired, came home, and
died a few weeks later.
570
00:20:45,797 --> 00:20:49,833
And people say, "He
worked himself to death."
571
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,034
I don't know.
572
00:20:51,035 --> 00:20:54,872
He was fine when he was working.
573
00:20:54,873 --> 00:20:57,774
Sounds like the dude came
home, and that killed him.
574
00:20:57,775 --> 00:20:58,942
Come on.
575
00:20:58,943 --> 00:21:02,112
The only way to be missed
is to be gone sometimes.
576
00:21:02,113 --> 00:21:04,815
We've got explorer-model
backpacks on sale now
577
00:21:04,816 --> 00:21:07,084
from 25% to 35% off.
578
00:21:07,085 --> 00:21:10,787
Be sure to be gone long enough
that she starts to actually say,
579
00:21:10,788 --> 00:21:15,125
"You know, he doesn't smell that bad."
580
00:21:15,126 --> 00:21:17,961
So, pick up one of these and take a hike
581
00:21:17,962 --> 00:21:20,866
before the wife tells you to.
582
00:21:20,891 --> 00:21:25,391
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
583
00:21:25,441 --> 00:21:29,991
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
43545
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